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The forest caught fast when Mo Xi set it on fire.
The trees crackled, sap popping, leaves turning to ash safely inside the enclosure of the barrier he'd set. Murong Lian had asked him to clear out this area for future use as a training ground—well, he hadn't asked, Murong Lian wasn't one to ask so much as he said things imperiously, expecting that his orders would be followed. Mo Xi nominally fell under his command at the new Academy as one of the instructors. That aside, it'd been a while since he had been able to exercise his full strength.
Mo Xi got cold, these days.
He shouldn't have. He had a fire core; his spirit itself ran hot. Even though he'd burned himself out to let Tuntian cleanse the Demonblood Beast, he and Gu Mang had been healed.
Gu Mang rarely complained. His shixiong seemed happy most of the time, happy to have the last people he could call family by his side, happy to have a hand in shaping the next generation of Chonghua's youth in a way that might give them a future free of some of the stains of their own past.
Gu Mang's hands weren't cold when they held Mo Xi's.
The trees in the center of the copse burned almost blue, the fire there so intense that Mo Xi could feel it from where he stood just inside the edge of the barrier.
He walked forward, his footsteps too quiet to hear over the roar of the fire. He fed it continuously from his own spiritual energy, so that it would burn bright and clean.
It felt almost like the Spiritblessed Beast, unleashed.
The blue fire had gotten a little closer. He could see where it shaded paler, almost white at the edges. Mo Xi still felt cold, though sweat beaded at his brow. This fire, made from his own energy, wouldn't burn him if he didn't want it to. Maybe I could let it, he thought, clenching his hands. He might feel warm, then, and he could go back to his shixiong and hold his hand and smile and laugh without remembering falling to his knees and screaming as the stone took him away, the feeling of ripping Gu Mang's souls out of his—
"Mo Xi!"
Mo Xi turned.
He couldn't refuse that pull if he wanted to; he never wanted to, not anymore. It still took him a moment to focus.
"Gu—" Mo Xi coughed. "Gu Mang? What are you doing here?"
"Bringing my shidi lunch," Gu Mang said cheerfully.
Mo Xi frowned. "It's not safe inside the barrier." Not for anyone but him. But Gu Mang was here anyways. There was no question in his mind about how he had gotten inside; Mo Xi always keyed his barriers to allow them both access.
"Yeah," Gu Mang said. There was something strange about his voice. "So what if we eat outside instead?"
He should finish this first. Leaving the barrier would cut off the flow of Mo Xi's spiritual energy. The fire would still burn without him, but it wouldn't be as clean, as effective. Mo Xi brought a hand to his temple, rubbing at the knot that was forming there.
Gu Mang stepped a little closer. The air between them wavered with heat. Mo Xi could see his robes starting to singe.
Maybe Gu Mang would go somewhere safe if he refused. "I'll join you later," Mo Xi said, turning back to the bright core of the fire. More of it burned that bluish-white now, stoked hotter and higher by the energy he'd been feeding it. It buzzed through his veins. He could almost forget what it had felt like after he had burned out, after the blood lake had turned to water, when there was finally nothing left for him but to follow Gu Mang's spirit to the Yellow Springs.
The blue of the fire was only a few shades off from the color Gu Mang's eyes had been, when he returned from the Liao Kingdom.
Mo Xi turned again, without meaning to, back to Gu Mang.
Gu Mang, his stupid, beautiful, self-sacrificing Gu-shixiong, of course had not left. He took another step closer, the corner of his mouth tight as he tried not to let on to the pain of the hot ash underfoot. His eyes—black, they were black now—were rimmed red from the smoke. "Please, Mo Xi?"
Mo Xi shut his eyes.
(Gu Mang was hurting himself again, but now it wasn't all of Chonghua at stake. This time, it was just Mo Xi.)
Gu Mang slapped a hand to Mo Xi's forehead as soon as they were out of the barrier. He frowned. "Okay, you're not possessed or anything," he said. "What the hell! What the fuck, Mo Xi, what was that?"
Mo Xi blinked at him.
Gu Mang stared back. "Mo Xi?" he asked. "Shidi? Princess?"
The light out here was strange; all unfiltered sunlight, nothing like the ash and smoke and fire within the barrier. Mo Xi found it difficult to focus.
"… Shixiong," he said.
Gu Mang stared at him a little longer, before his eyes narrowed. "Okay," he said. "Okay. Do you think you can make it back to the manor, princess? Because your Gu Mang-gege might be the handsomest shixiong in all of Linyi—"
Shameless, Mo Xi thought.
"—But you're still taller than me, so we'll look really silly if I try to carry you back."
"… You didn't bring lunch," Mo Xi said. The words came out slowly, like sugar syrup dripping from a spoon.
"Ahaha, you caught me, I didn't," Gu Mang laughed. There was something wrong with it. Mo Xi didn't like it. He wanted to fix whatever was making Gu Mang laugh like that. It reminded him of a tarp stretched taut over the last of their grain, holding out against a downpour. Gu Mang caught his forearm and held tight, so tight that his bones ached, his skin tingling even under his robes. "I can't get anything past my little shidi. I promise there'll be food at the manor, we can eat once the healers take a look at you, okay? Lian-di never lets the cooks rest for a moment."
Mo Xi followed mindlessly for a few steps before his thoughts caught up. The fire had been his, so it shouldn't have—
He looked down. His gloves had burned entirely away in some places, the skin underneath strangely ashen in color. When he flexed his fingers, they didn't bend all the way, the skin and muscle stiff. Despite this, though, his hands didn't hurt.
"I don't need a healer," Mo Xi said, looking back up. Had he hurt Gu Mang?
Gu Mang looked at him, a little furrow between his eyes. Mo Xi wanted to smooth it out. "You really do. You really do, okay? Trust me, Shidi. Please?"
"I do," Mo Xi said, without a moment's hesitation.
A smile pulled its way onto Gu Mang's face, almost as if he couldn't help it, but the furrow between his brows remained.
Mo Xi blinked into the dim light.
Feeling filtered in slowly. His hands burned in a strange way, numb on the outside and raw fire on the inside. Internally, his meridians felt singed, like he'd been…
Playing with fire.
He let out a breath, not quite a sigh. Mo Xi had a fire core, but he didn't have Tuntian anymore. He'd never channelled that much spiritual energy before without it acting as a buffer.
The faint sound of humming reached his ears. Mo Xi breathed in again. His breath caught in his throat; the voice that had been humming gently shushed him.
Mo Xi followed the voice to reality.
He found himself laid out in bed, his head in Gu Mang's lap. Gu Mang's fingers traced along the arch of Mo Xi's brow, the side of his jaw, leaving tingling sparks of spiritual energy in their wake. Gu Mang's energy was familiar to Mo Xi from their years of fighting alongside one another, but he'd rarely had the chance to experience it like this. His shixiong's energy soaked into Mo Xi's veins with each caress. It carried a feeling that went even further, pressing a passive sense of peace deep into Mo Xi's bones.
Mo Xi's eyes threatened to fall shut.
Fighting against iron chains of lethargy, he lifted his hand, wrapping it around Gu Mang's wrist, easily suppressing any hint of pain from his fingers. "Gu Mang," he managed.
"Mo Xi!" Gu Mang said, voice thick, even though he was trying to lighten it. He twisted his arm so that he held Mo Xi's hand gently in his own, spiritual energy sparking against the bandages. "It's okay, you're alright."
The sparks of energy travelled through Mo Xi's fingers, settling in his veins like a fine wine.
"Gu Mang," Mo Xi said again, voice hoarse. "Stop." Please. I can't think.
Gu Mang sighed. Mo Xi was familiar with his sighs, all the different shades of them. The one Gu Mang let out now was similar to the one he gave when Mo Xi was at his pickiest, refusing to eat until his shixiong goaded him into it.
"Shidi…"
Mo Xi shook his head.
Gu Mang sighed again. He laid Mo Xi's hand back down, ever so gently, but the next brush of his fingers along Mo Xi's skin carried none of the intoxicating press of energy. "You took care of me when I lost my memories; it's only fair that your shixiong should return the favor, shouldn't I?"
Mo Xi shook his head again. No; it wasn't fair at all. Mo Xi wanted to protect Gu Mang from this, from everything, so that he didn't have to suffer when he had already suffered so much. Selfishly, he didn't want to see his shixiong hurt; if it hurt Gu Mang to see Mo Xi hurt, then Mo Xi would not be hurt.
Gu Mang made a face, a strange mix of exasperated and endeared. "My princess is still so noble."
Mo Xi let his eyes close. He leaned into Gu Mang's touch. Gu Mang smelled a little like ash and sweat, but mostly like the herbal salve Murong Lian's healer preferred. Underneath that, himself.
Mo Xi wished, irresponsibly, that they could stay like this forever.
"Mo-shidi," Gu Mang said. Mo Xi opened his eyes again, turning in Gu Mang's lap so he could see his face clearly. "Mo Xi. Why did you walk into the fire?"
There was a clear lake behind Gu Mang's eyes, for all that they were black.
If only he could get lost in those eyes. But Mo Xi was not a coward; he could not avoid the answer, as much as he could not say, I don't know.
I didn't think it would hurt me, Mo Xi thought. I thought I could bear it.
It felt like the only way to be warm again.
Mo Xi blinked. His eyes stung; wetness gathered at the corners.
"Mo Xi?"
"I don't want to hurt you," Mo Xi whispered. His voice was hoarse.
Gu Mang leaned down, pressing a kiss to Mo Xi's hair. "What if I want to comfort you, to keep you from suffering? It wouldn't be fair to deny me that."
Mo Xi would never deny his Gu-shixiong anything.
"You were gone," he said. He'd thought he could resist, but the wetness in the brims of his eyes spilled over into tears, tracing down his cheeks. Gu Mang brushed them away, but they just kept coming.
"You were gone," Mo Xi repeated. "You were gone. I couldn't—I couldn't even mourn you. I couldn't recover your body, because there was nothing to recover! At least," he shuddered, "when you had gone to Liao, even if you were lost to me forever, you were still alive."
Mo Xi's tears continued to flow. Gu Mang continued brushing them away, as if he wanted to do nothing more than assuage Mo Xi's pain.
"When Jiang Fuli brought—" Mo Xi stopped, turning his head into Gu Mang's robes to cough. He wasn't sure if it was from the smoke or from suppressing his sobs; it didn't matter. "Brought the reversal stone, then I thought, then I had a chance, but in truth I could only—!"
His breath caught again.
Gu Mang waited for him to go on. "It's alright, princess, it's okay," he said, when the silence dragged on with only the sound of Mo Xi's laboured breathing.
Mo Xi latched onto Gu Mang's voice. "When I returned," he went on, forcing himself past the memories of that time, "you were still… I had a choice, the stone said, but all I ever wanted was to be where you were."
Gu Mang sucked in a breath. "Mo Xi…"
"Dying was warm," Mo Xi said, voice shaking. "When I unleashed Tuntian, I saw you at the end. It didn't… it didn't hurt anymore, Gu Mang, because you were there," he said. Then he couldn't go on any longer. He could no longer hold back his sobs; they were breaking out of him now in great bursts, like the gusts of wind during a massive storm, shaking him and Gu Mang both.
Gu Mang couldn't hold back anymore either. He threw himself over Mo Xi, holding him through his tears. "Shh, shh, it's okay, it's okay," he said. Mo Xi tried to listen less to his words and more to the cadence, to the beating heart above him, the weight holding him down.
It wasn't enough. Mo Xi couldn't catch his breath.
He pressed his face into Gu Mang's neck, imagining he could feel the imprint of the lotus blossom sigil, his own blood under Gu Mang's skin. Unbidden, unwanted, memory swelled of the last time he had sobbed like this, only months ago, when his hands had torn two of Gu Mang's souls out of his body.
Mo Xi ripped his hands away from Gu Mang. He curled into the bed, pressing his face into the sheets.
Shudders ran through his body. Weight pressed against him from above, still, but it was distant. Mo Xi curled his bloody hands around himself, gripping hard, ignoring the pain. His breath hitched, juddering when he tried to breathe; stars started to burst in his vision. The taste of iron crawled up the back of his throat.
Mo Xi moved—was moved.
Gu Mang sat above him, hands on him like burning coals, crowned by the light coming in through the window.
Mo Xi's eyes slipped closed.
A sense of safety poured into him, eclipsing everything else. More than safety—it was a burning flame, hope planted in fertile soil, all of the brambles cleared away to finally let the spring seeds sprout and grow.
Oh, Mo Xi thought. So this is what his love feels like.
With a colossal effort, Mo Xi opened his eyes again.
One of Gu Mang's hands framed his face, fingers at his temples, thumb near the corner of his eye. His other hand was on Mo Xi's chest, pressing spiritual energy directly into his core.
"Shh, shh, Shidi, it's alright, you're alright, just breathe," Gu Mang said. He sounded… sounded… "I know you said to stop, I'm sorry. You can yell at me later, your shixiong will let you yell at him all you want, okay?"
Why would I yell at you? Mo Xi thought.
He breathed in, but when he opened his mouth to ask his voice caught in his throat. He didn't cough again; whatever Gu Mang was doing kept his airway open, his breathing steady. It was as if the words were stuck somewhere between his brain and his vocal chords.
Mo Xi tried moving his hand towards Gu Mang. His fingers twitched but remained at his side.
Gu Mang didn't stop sending Mo Xi spiritual energy, but he grabbed Mo Xi's hand with his free one. A stream of nonsense tumbled from his mouth. Mo Xi tuned him out in favor of the warmth of his hand, the sense of safety, of love.
This time when he tried, he managed to curl his fingers around Gu Mang's.
Gu Mang gently squeezed back. "Mo Xi?" he asked.
"Mn."
Gu Mang squeezed harder. He bit his lip, falling suddenly silent.
"Are you… alright?" Mo Xi asked.
Gu Mang blinked. He shut his eyes, holding Mo Xi's hand to his face. "Dummy," he said, voice muffled, lips tickling Mo Xi's skin through the bandages.
He didn't say anything else. After a moment, Mo Xi tried, "Shixiong?"
"Fuck, princess, please, don't scare me like that," Gu Mang said, lowering their joined hands. Mo Xi didn't think he was crying—Gu Mang rarely cried unless Mo Xi overwhelmed him—but his voice was wet, the rims of his eyes red. "My heart can't take it."
Mo Xi never wanted to hurt Gu Mang.
"… I'm sorry," he said. It felt vastly inadequate.
"None of that," Gu Mang said. He sighed. He slumped down, finally letting his other hand relax from where it had been resting on Mo Xi's chest. His forehead came to rest against Mo Xi's; Mo Xi felt Gu Mang's eyelashes against his cheek. "You've been… keeping all of that bottled up inside for a while, haven't you?"
Mo Xi felt something well up inside his chest.
"It's okay; you don't have to say anything. I know you have, even if I wished… Oh, Mo Xi, little shidi…" Gu Mang lifted his head; Mo Xi frowned, but Gu Mang only pressed a kiss to Mo Xi's cheek and returned to where he had been.
"I wish I knew how to help you before it got this bad," Gu Mang whispered.
The feeling in Mo Xi's chest burst. It was warmth, so much of the warmth he had been missing.
He squeezed the hand Gu Mang was still holding. "This helps."
"That's good, but that's not really what I meant." Gu Mang smiled anyways, lips curving against Mo Xi's face. "Just—let me hold you for a while, okay?"
Mo Xi turned towards Gu Mang. He saw now that there were tears in his eyes, even if they hadn't fallen. "I'm sorry," he said helplessly. It felt like there was no way he could avoid causing Gu Mang even more pain.
Gu Mang put a hand over his mouth. "Shh, shh, no, I'm instituting a new Academy rule. No apologies until Shixiong asks for one."
Mo Xi didn't really think Murong Lian would agree, but he nodded. Gu Mang hugged him again. Mo Xi registered, finally, how late it must have been. The sun came into their bedroom at a low angle, and there was an emptiness in his stomach that might have been hunger if only he wasn't so distant from his own body, from everything that wasn't Gu Mang.
"If Lian-di needs more training fields cleared, he can just ask someone else to do it," Gu Mang muttered.
Mo Xi's thoughts still came slowly. After a moment, he said, "there's no one else at the Academy who can prepare the grounds for spellcasting right now."
"Hmph. Fine! Then I'll have to go with you."
"Okay."
"You can set a second barrier inside, I know you have the skill—wait, what?" Gu Mang pushed himself up. He laid a hand over Mo Xi's forehead again. "Are you—no, I know you're not, but you'd better not 'conveniently forget' that you agreed to this later."
Mo Xi couldn't let that pass. "I think you might be confusing yourself for me," he said, mouth curling in a faint smile.
"Ah!" Gu Mang mimed a hit to the chest. "You must be feeling better, if you can tease so cruelly."
"… I am." He did, somewhat. He felt less like he would float away if Gu Mang weren't here to anchor him to reality. Less like he would set himself on fire just to feel warm.
And yet… "I don't mind staying in bed for a while longer," he said, only a little hesitantly.
Mo Xi watched Gu Mang process that. His surprise gave way to a sincere joy. Mo Xi himself felt warmer just to see it on his face, to know that he had helped put it there. "Good, I don't have to argue you into it," Gu Mang said. He pinched Mo Xi's cheek. "Don't make that face, princess! We both know I'd win."
Mo Xi grunted. Gu Mang laid back down again, his head to Mo Xi's chest. A little twist of tension inside Mo Xi smoothed itself out alongside Mo Xi's frown.
Gu Mang mumbled something.
"Mn?"
"Nothing, nothing. … Just… fuck, Shidi," Gu Mang sighed. His breath gusted out of his body, shaking them both. "I love you, Mo Xi."
Mo Xi had a feeling that wasn't what Gu Mang had originally meant to say. He tightened his grip on Gu Mang's hand. But all he said was, "I love you too."
It was alright if some things went unsaid for now. This time, they had the rest of their lives to figure things out.