Chapter Text
February, 2013
Mike faltered in the doorway to his new office at the sight of Rachel standing there, glaring at his fake diploma that hung on the wall.
“I know it’s not my place, but you really suck at quitting,” she said flatly, before he could say anything.
“I can explain-”
“No need. It was just a suggestion,” she said coldly.
Mike sighed, stepping towards her and putting down the files in his arms. “I tried-”
“But then Jessica gave you this office to stay?”
“No,” Mike said tiredly. “She gave it to me before that.”
Rachel huffed out a laugh. “Well, aren’t you the luckiest boy in the world?”
Mike flinched at the venom in her tone. “Luck had nothing to do with it,” he protested.
Rachel folded her arms tightly over her chest as she stared him down. “You came to me, petrified about being exposed. I gave you a way out. And now what? You get a shiny new office and suddenly that’s gone? How concerned for your future can you possibly be if this is all it takes?”
“It’s not that simple,” Mike said quietly. “Rachel, please-”
“Where’d you get the diploma? Kinko’s? A cereal box?”
“Rach-”
“You didn’t earn this!” Rachel snapped, pointing at the diploma. “You’ve done nothing to earn this. I have been working my ass off for years to try and earn this, and you just swoop in like it’s your goddamn birthright.”
Mike stepped towards her, setting his jaw. “Hey, I didn’t magically know about the law, you know,” he snapped back at her. “I did the study, I passed the bar exam. I have done all the work since the first day I stepped foot into this firm to learn how to be a lawyer.”
He looked around to make sure no one was within earshot, but at this time of night, the firm was emptying. “Maybe I didn’t go to law school, but I have worked to get here. And you have no idea what I have or haven’t done to earn my place here.”
Rachel lifted her chin. “That’s just it, isn’t it though? I don’t know you. At all. I just know the lies.”
She stormed past him, but Mike reached out for her arm. “Rach, please let-”
She whirled around the moment his fingers made contact with her skin, slapping him across the face.
“Don’t try that again,” she warned him shakily, as he pulled back his hand to nurse his stinging cheek. “What happened in the file room the other day was a mistake, and it will never happen again, do you hear me?”
Mike’s heart sank. “Rachel, please. I can explain everything if you would just let me-”
“Really? You can explain how you’ve been chasing me all this time while lying to me?” Rachel demanded. “I told you. I told you that first date, how much I can’t stand being lied to-”
“And I wanted to tell you then!” Mike protested. “I did, I swear. I wanted to tell you everything then. But Harvey-”
Rachel’s eyebrows shot up. “Harvey?”
Mike paused, swallowing hard. “I went to Harvey after our date,” he admitted. “I told him that I wanted to tell you the truth. But he said it was too risky, in case word got to Hardman. And I couldn’t risk Harvey-”
“You couldn’t risk Harvey?” Rachel repeated incredulously. “Let me get this straight: Harvey says it’s too risky to tell me the truth, so you end it. Then, less than twenty-four hours ago, you came to me because you had a nightmare that I turned you in. I told you that would never happen, and you said that you knew that. So which is it, Mike? It’s either too risky to tell me the truth because I can’t be trusted, or you trust me to keep your secret?”
“I trust you!” Mike insisted. “But Harvey-”
“Oh my God,” Rachel cut him off.
“Harvey doesn’t know you like I do,” Mike said pleadingly.
“So you take Harvey’s opinion of me over your own?” Rachel demanded. “God, I don’t understand why you think the sun shines out of Harvey’s ass.”
Mike snorted, he couldn’t help it. “I definitely do not think that,” he said.
“Then why did you pick him over me?” Rachel asked.
Mike gaped at her, not sure what he was supposed to say.
Rachel stared at him expectantly, but the longer she looked at him, the more her expression changed. Her arms dropped to her side and she took a step back.
“Oh my God,” she breathed.
Mike froze, his heart leaping into his throat.
Rachel pointed at him, her hand trembling slightly. “You said that you’d lost everything that you love,” she said slowly. “You said Harvey. You’re in love with him,” she accused him.
Mike averted his eyes, blinking rapidly to ease the sudden stinging. “Rachel, don’t.”
Rachel shook her head. “You chose him over me. The whole time I’ve known you. Every time. Until the file room, which was after Harvey cut you loose. Is that what that was? Rebound sex?”
Mike looked back to her, horrified. “No! Rachel, I-”
She held up her hand, shaking her head again. “Don’t lie to me, Mike. For once in your goddamn life, be honest with me.”
Mike swallowed hard. “I’ve never lied about my feelings for you, Rachel. Never,” he insisted.
Rachel’s lips tightened. “That’s not what I asked,” she said. “I don’t doubt that you’re attracted to me, or that you like me. But I’m asking you if you’re in love with Harvey.”
Mike opened his mouth, but nothing came out. Shamefully, he lowered his eyes to stare at the floor by Rachel’s feet. He knew his silence was answer enough, and this time, he barely even felt her slap.
“You’re in love with him,” she said, her voice shaking. “So what the fuck was I? A placeholder?”
“Rachel-” Mike said hoarsely.
“What did you think was going to happen if Harvey hadn’t told you to keep lying to me?” she asked him. “Or if I was okay with the truth? Were you just going to date me, and be with me, all the while thinking of him?”
“Being with Harvey was never an option!” Mike exclaimed. “It never will be!”
“That doesn’t make the feelings just go away though, does it? And you’d still always choose him over me, wouldn’t you?”
Mike hesitated. If he lied, Rachel would know. But the truth wouldn’t be the answer she wanted to hear anyway.
Rachel huffed out a bitter laugh. “Fuck you, Mike Ross,” she practically spat. “I deserve to be with someone who genuinely loves me and wants to be with me, not because they can’t be with the person they actually love. I deserve to be with someone who isn’t a con-man, and that’s all you are. A fraud, a liar and a liability to everyone who works here.”
Mike flinched.
“If you really loved the law like you claim to; if you really give any kind of damn about Harvey or me or the clients, you should do what’s best for them. Quit. Because if you get caught, you bring us all down with you, whether they know your secret or not.”
Rachel moved forward until she was right in front of Mike, staring at him with hard eyes. “Well, guess what? Now you don’t have me or Harvey. You have exactly what you deserve, and exactly what you’ve earned. Nothing but a fake diploma and an empty office. Congratulations,” she said, and then turned on her heel and stormed out.
Alone in the office, Mike sank down to sit on the desk weakly, his stomach churning. He knew that Rachel was right. If the wrong person found out about his lack of degree, it wasn’t just Mike’s own career and life that would blow up. Harvey and Jessica would go down too, and every case Mike had ever touched would be open to be audited and combed over. Every client Mike had ever helped would be at risk. None of these were new thoughts, Mike had considered this every time he stepped foot in the building. But he’d always had Harvey at his side, reassuring him that no one would find out; that he’d protect Mike. And now Harvey was gone. Mike was reduced to nothing in his eyes, he wasn’t even worth glaring daggers at. Now, Harvey just stared right through him unseeingly. Like Mike was nothing. Which he was.
Feeling sick to his stomach, Mike numbly collected his things and left the office. He couldn’t stomach the idea of doing work, or setting up the office any longer. He just wanted to go home and crawl into bed.
As he headed towards the elevators, he drew to a halt as he saw Harvey and Donna walking towards them, clearly also on their way out for the day. Harvey was saying something to her while looking at his phone, but he happened to glance up absently. As he did, his gaze found Mike, and just like had been happening for the past two days, it went straight through Mike, piercing him in the heart.
“Harvey,” he said hoarsely, unable to help but make another yet effort to apologise, to explain it in a way that Harvey would understand. “Can we please-?”
Harvey just kept walking without even sparing him a glance. Donna did look back, but it was only to survey Mike coldly before she turned back and whispered something to Harvey.
Mike stood rooted to the spot until they’d disappeared from his sight, trembling. Suddenly unable to stand the idea of getting in an elevator, he headed for the stairs instead. Feeling weak and dizzy, it took him an age to make it down to the lobby, but at least it ensured that Harvey and Donna were long gone by the time he made it down.
It wasn’t really a surprise that it was freezing outside, considering it was February; but Mike barely felt the bitter chill, even without wearing his coat. He eyed his bike, chained to the bike rack outside the building but then turned and walked away. It would still be there in the morning. And if it wasn’t, who the fuck cared? Rachel was right- Mike had no-one anymore.
Walking back to Brooklyn was probably not Mike’s smartest idea, but again, who cared? Who did Mike have to call if he got sick, or mugged, or hit by a car? His whole family was dead, and he’d just lost the last person he might be able to call a friend.
By the time he let himself into his apartment, he was crying; and he broke down into sobs as he slumped against the closed door. More than anything right now, he missed his grandmother. He wished he could have gone to her when Jessica had presented him with that file, the way he had when he’d been pondering over whether or not to confess to the Dean about Trevor and the test. Would she have told him to protect himself? Or to trust Harvey and go against Jessica?
Trust your instincts, he was sure that she would have said, but that hadn’t been helpful. Because Mike’s instincts were hardwired to trust Harvey and follow orders; but he’d been so torn. Jessica wasn’t just Harvey’s boss, but his friend. His mentor. The reason he’d gotten to where he was now. If she’d been willing to turn Mike in just to win the case and make the merger happen, knowing the risk he posed to the firm, the clients and Harvey, what did that mean? Was this why she’d let him stay despite knowing he was a fraud? And if Jessica had been willing to turn on him, was Harvey also waiting for the right moment to use Mike’s past against him? Because surely, even if Harvey didn’t know how Mike felt about him, he had to know that Mike would rather die than bring Harvey down with him if he was ever caught. And now Mike had lost him anyway, and was sitting on the floor crying in his shitty apartment in a city of over 8.3 million, all alone in the world.
Rachel was right, he thought despondently after he’d shed his clothes and crawled into bed, not bothering to either eat or shower. He had nothing and no one. All he had was an office with his name on the door and his fake diploma on the wall, ready to sit and wait for the next time Jessica needed to use his past against him for something for her own purposes.
Maybe Mike should quit. The idea of going back to being a bike messenger made his stomach turn, but surely that had to be better than being a ghost floating through the halls of Pearson Hardman… or Darby, or whatever it was now. Except what if he had to deliver something to the firm? Mike could almost imagine having to deliver documents to Louis or Rachel, or God forbid Harvey; having to stand before them as proof that he was worth nothing more than this.
God, Mike hated himself. He hated his life. He hated New York. Suddenly, he was envious of the way Trevor had just hopped on a bus to Montana and left town for a fresh start.
One arm under his head as he stared up at the ceiling in the dark, Mike frowned. Was it that simple? To jump on a bus and leave?
No, this was ridiculous. It couldn’t be that easy. And even if he did leave, where would he go? He didn’t have friends or family in another state that were waiting for him. And if he left, someone would find him. Harvey would find him, and probably call him a coward and a quitter.
Harvey wants nothing to do with you anymore, a voice in his head reminded him. You’re dead to him. Why would he come looking for you?
Well, that was a good point.
Mike didn’t sleep that night, pondering it over in his head on an endless cycle. The only assets he had were his bike and the apartment he’d bought for Grammy. He had a healthy amount of savings- a silver lining among the insane hours he worked that left no time for any semblance of a life. And really, what else did he have worth keeping?
As the first light of dawn crept into the apartment, Mike sat up and surveyed his apartment in the grey light. There was nothing here of value, nothing here he was attached to- except for the panda picture. Even his books, although beloved, were safely locked inside Mike’s brain for all eternity.
Perhaps he should have felt more apprehensive about the idea of leaving- of fleeing. Maybe it should have felt more like running away or giving up. Maybe he should have second-guessed himself more, or realised the feeling of calm he felt among the numbness was perhaps a bad sign. But he didn’t. He just saw a way out that meant not hurting anyone he cared about anymore.
He went to work that day, but it couldn’t be said that he touched a single case file. Instead, he wrote out his letter of resignation, and then wrote three letters: one for Rachel, one for Donna and one for Harvey. He doubted any of them would be read, but he knew saying goodbye in person wasn’t an option. He waited until the end of the day when pretty much everyone else had gone before he slipped the three letters into his bag and picked up his letter of resignation, walking down to Jessica’s office. He took nothing from the office except for the fake diploma from its frame, ready to be burned at the first chance.
It was empty- at ten o’clock on a Friday night, Jessica- like everyone else- was long gone. Mike placed the letter in the centre of her desk where she’d find it first thing on Monday morning. Out in the hall, he held the other letters in his hand and hesitated. He’d planned on leaving them on Donna’s desk, and hoping she would pass along Harvey and Rachel’s to them, but now he doubted that plan. Would they even read them? Was it better to post them instead? Mike wrestled with himself for another moment, then ultimately put the letters back in his bag. Maybe he’d post them. Or maybe just writing them was enough. Mike couldn’t stand the mental image of Donna finding the letters and shredding them directly without ever even opening it.
Then, with one last look around the halls of the place that had changed his life, that had practically been his second home for the past year, Mike stepped into the elevators of Pearson Darby.
Mike knew a clean break was best. As far as they were concerned, by Monday morning it would be like Mike Ross had never existed within their lives. Mike was sure Harvey, at least, would be glad about that.