Chapter Text
“You’re excited, then?” The voice over the phone asked.
Josh sat down on his bed, a lumpy, hard thing that the university had provided. He was still trying to get used to the uncomfortable interior he had been given in his dorm.
He wanted to say no. He knew he should never have enrolled late, its consequences seemed much more extreme than he had expected.
He had to do sports journalism.
He wanted to do politics. It was his whole thing. In High School he would boast about his knowledge in politics, and how in his future, he planned to challenge all tyrannical leaders he could, making a real change to corrupt politics with his extreme questioning methods.
But he was stupid.
He couldn’t make his mind up on which college to go to, and when he finally did, he drew the short straw.
Josh rubbed his cheek nervously.
“Uh, yeah. I guess.”
Mark sighed over the phone. Josh didn’t want to disappoint him. Josh had told Mark, his cousin, about how he wanted to do Journalism. Mark had mentioned he was the head of one of the journalism clubs in his college, as he was a senior. He had left out a crucial detail– it was sports. They literally only covered local sports, which was a particularly sensitive topic
for Josh.
“Look, man. You don’t have to join a club, but it’ll look good. It’s just for a year, then you can find something else. It’s just the recognition that matters, right?” Mark said, his voice twined with desperation.
Mark wanted Josh to join. He was worried that his little cousin would struggle in College,
especially considering Josh had decided to start in the spring semester, he wouldn’t have settled in like everyone else. Mark thought that if Josh had to cover sports, he’d find cool, popular friends, and finally become somewhat known. He knew Josh struggled in High School with bullying, hence the ‘Moving-across-the-country’ last minute decision.
Josh sighed. Sports was genuinely the last thing he wanted to cover. But Mark was right. It didn’t matter what he covered, as long as he was in a club. And, considering it was student-run, and the head was his cousin, who was also the president of the biggest fraternity in the college, maybe he could get some nepotistic benefits.
“Yeah, okay. ” Josh said. “I’ll do it, it’ll be fun.” He tried to convince himself that it would be.
He knew that it wouldn’t. He’d have to enter sweaty, greasy locker rooms just for a chance to interview the biggest scorer or whatever. He’d have to stand on the sidelines and try to dodge balls flying at him just to get a short story about something that he couldn’t care less about.
But he did care about journalism. He wanted to make it. Really, really bad. He felt that he was so passionate about politicians that instead of becoming one, he’d argue with them. He would spread their stories, their controversies, their scandals. He’d be the first to know, the first to warn everyone. He wanted his voice heard for the first time.
Perhaps if he did well in this stupid, jock-centered university, he would manage a major in journalism and a minor in Polisci. It was all he wanted. And any news is good news if he communicated it right.
He would join the sports journalism club.
~
“So, we have a new member of our club.” Mark said. The others didn’t need to be told, they already knew. Their heads were turned to Josh, surprised to see a new face. The club was significantly bigger than Josh had expected. He had assumed that he’d just be with the people focusing on the sport aspect of the school newspaper, but he was instead faced with the entirety of the school newspaper team, perhaps over forty people. And Mark, his dorky, lanky cousin Mark, was the leader of the entire organisation.
Mark pointed his head to Josh, who had placed himself strategically by the door, in case of a sudden need to dash.
He always chose the seat closest to the door, no matter what. On the bus, he would sit by the door. In any room, he needed to be by the door. He had even moved his bed in his new dorm so that it was closer to the door.
Just in case it gets too much.
He could always leave.
But that would be embarrassing.
Josh awkwardly sunk his lips together and nodded his head slightly, slithering deeper into his hoodie.
“His name is Josh, he’ll be with the sports organisation. Please be friendly, he’s in his first semester as a freshman.”
Josh had to force back a scrunched, disgusted face. Mark was infantalising him. What the fuck is, ‘Please be friendly?’ He wasn’t a toddler. He could handle it. Mark needs to remember that they were only three years apart. Josh remembered when Mark pissed himself on a family roadtrip. He was 12.
~
Finally, the initial meeting had ended. Josh was separated into the biggest team of the organisation, which was the sports faction. He had to introduce himself as the idiot who took a gap semester because he couldn’t make up his stupid mind. He had decided to show them some of his work from his High School paper, which he was chief of. They approved to a point, apart from some relatively constructive criticism. He got some odd looks. One of the articles he had chosen to show them was one he wrote in his senior year about how his school had tried to silence a gay kid when he opened up about being assaulted by some jocks.
Josh was good friends with the kid. And as a gay man himself, he took it upon himself to attempt to call out his school for their blatant homophobia. His article managed to get published, but was quickly taken down as the dean got upset at a name drop.
That was Josh’s most proud moment– he had finally gotten a controversial enough story that it upset people. It was what he wanted, he wanted the scandals. He thirsted after them.
Most of the faction took kindly to Josh. He was glad, as he knew colleges tended to be more accepting of people who looked and acted a bit different. Josh had straight, black hair which hung over his forehead and a ring in the middle of his lip. The jocks would call him emo. He didn’t mind, though he didn’t consider himself underground enough to be an emo.
~
Josh arrived back at his dorm room. It was a tiny room, with those horrible white, brick (?) walls and lino tiled floors. It seemed to welcome the cold in, despite being insulated. The room was just depressing. He had one small window which looked above into a small path leading to the law campus. Due to his late admission, Josh was only able to get a dorm which was a fifteen minute walk to his campus. It was a nice walk, though. Very scenic, as the paths were decorated with trees, currently blooming and green with the springtime.
He did have to walk past the Frat which Mark was the president of, though. It was right next to the business building where a few of his classes were. He had a small sense of longing as he walked past the frat. He wished he was normal. Normal enough to pretend to like throwing balls in hoops and believing in the strange, cultist system that was a frat.
But alas, he was just too cultured. He would never find true happiness in a system built of misogyny and fucked up, primordial like power dynamics. He only envied the relationships. Platonically.
He knew that a frat brother would never be in a homosexual relationship.
~
Josh had been trying to decorate his room for the past few hours, attempting to place his posters on the walls, unsuccessfully as the dorms didn’t allow pins, only stupid blu-tak, which was never sticky enough. Josh had, however, managed to lay a rug down on the lino floor, concealing the bitter, neo-brutalist feeling of it. He also finally put on his sheets, just some simple, dark blue ones. He didn’t want his bedroom looking too gay. Just in case. He was aiming for more of a niche, edgy look. A few posters. Not maximalistic, not minimalist. Maybe a candle or two, some nice lamps. But only darker colours, no stupid pastels, which were all the rage.
But perhaps just thinking about how his room should look was already too gay.
It hit 2:30 PM, which was the time for him to leave for his first class on a Monday, microeconomics. Josh had taken the class in hopes it would fuel the economic side to his political studies, but he hadn’t taken any form of economics in high school. He was bad at math. He began to regret his decision of the class, especially due to the fact that it was in the business building. He’d be surrounded by jocks who took business in hopes of becoming staggeringly rich finance bros.
He hated finance bros.
~
Josh walked through the business building, looking for the lecture he was supposed to be in. It was lecture room 212, and the building was so large it seemed near impossible to navigate through.
He finally made his way to the second level of the grand building, the interior was quite fancy, with wooden walls and floors, with ceilings stretching well above his head. He walked through the hall and finally found door 212. He entered. People were still settling in. Thank god. He’d kill himself if he was late and everyone was looking at him.
Josh found himself a seat at the back, by the door. He was happy to sit far, far away from anyone. And if the lecture came too much to handle, he could happily slip out without anyone noticing. He liked not being noticed. He had sat next to a girl who was sitting alone. She was pretty. She had ridiculously large brown eyes and long, wavy, light brown hair. She was gorgeous. Josh would almost have a crush on her if it weren’t for his extreme attraction to the same sex. But he for sure knew he wanted to talk to her.
He quickly looked away when she noticed him looking. He didn’t want to seem like a creep.
The hall was big, it could seat well over 100 people. The stage at the front was below him, as the seats were on a steady slope of stairs. He could get a good view of the large projector. He took out his laptop, a shitty old macbook, the type which had the apple logo still lit up. When technology was still fun. Josh had come from a poor household. His family saved up for years for him and his siblings to make it to college, they were on a tight budget his whole life.
As nervous, anxious, and frankly terrified he was of college, he was grateful for his parent’s sacrifices they made to get him a spot in a decent college.
The college was nowhere near ivy-league, but it had decent alumni and an overall average rating. That was all he needed. He’d be above average in his own way.
The professor began to speak. He had begun so abruptly that Josh’s laptop hadn’t even loaded properly for him to take notes, so he quickly whipped out a small notebook he always kept in his backpack.
“You all should’ve learned about price and income elasticity in the first semester,” The professor began. “This semester, we will be refreshing your memory of it, considering we didn’t focus on it at all last semester. For those who are currently in their first semester, I expect you all to have studied the course outline and therefore you should be familiar with consumer behaviour. Easy stuff.”
Josh internally freaked out. He didn’t know he would have to study the course. He only even moved to the state a few weeks ago. He was starting from point blank. Worst of all, he had no idea what the fuck ‘elasticity’ was. Is that not just a way to describe stretchy things?
Josh finally managed to boot his computer up and began frantically taking notes. The professor seemed more concerned about berating the class over miniscule things like ‘not knowing what they should,’ or ‘not having the right equipment.’ Josh was surprised. He had assumed that the professors in college wouldn’t care about the student’s equipment, as long as they got the work done.
Josh praised himself for his choice of sitting far, far away from the professor. He felt as if he had fitted better in further away, no matter how counterintuitive that seemed.
Josh always preferred to be on the sidelines. He wasn’t much of a talker, he barely spoke throughout his entire five years of high school. He was an outsider, so to speak. Sure, he got involved. He played drums in the marching band, he was head of the school newspaper, and he often featured on the school radio. But even then, he was relatively ignored. He wasn’t exactly bullied, either. He was picked on, obviously. The occasional, ‘Faggot,’ or ‘Emo,’ was definetly hurled at him more times than he could count, but otherwise, he was somewhat left alone.
He made his way through high school with only a few scratches. He was hoping college would be different. This year, he was desperate to prove himself as someone who has potential. He didn’t want to be on the sidelines anymore. He wanted to show himself and push himself as far as he could go. He already fucked up by enrolling late. He didn’t want to fuck up even more.
“He seriously has a problem, man.” The brown-eyed girl next to him said.
Josh quickly whipped his head around to her, making sure that she was talking to him. She had to be, there was no one else for a few seats. She looked at him expectantly.
Josh stumbled on his words. She, this mysterious girl, was the first person in Josh’s entire time in college so far to actually start a conversation with him. He was surprised.
“Uh, yeah, he seems a bit, uh, confronting.” Josh said, his words sounding perfect in his head, but coming out of his mouth like Bananagrams.
The girl smiled.
“Are you new?” She asked, looking down at her laptop.
Josh nodded.
“Yeah. I started in the spring semester.” Josh managed to shove out.
“This is my first class, actually.”
The girl nodded.
“Well, this professor is always like this. He’s crazy. Always rambling about something that doesn’t even concern economics.”
Josh nodded in agreement. He began to overthink the conversation. He was thinking about what to say, but everything he thought of sounded like mush. Bland mush. Pointless mush. He wanted to ask her her major, what her name was, everything. But he knows how much people hate small talk. He didn’t want to put that kind of pressure on this random girl.
“I’m Debby.” The girl quickly said.
Josh smiled. She got there first. He hadn’t needed to make the awkward silence even more awkward by not saying anything.
“I’m Josh.”
Debby held out her hand. Josh shook it.
Contrary to the gay stereotype, Josh was more afraid of women than he was men. He lived with a constant fear that they thought he liked them more than platonically, and as he was afraid of confrontation, he preferred not to speak to them. He was always nervous speaking to them. He of course wanted to be friends with them, but he was so afraid they’d think of him more than just a friend that he never took the risk.
That mindset led him to have little to no friends most of his life, as they boys obviously didn’t want anything to do with him either. He would have liked to have a diverse friend group, with those of all genders and sexualities, but barriers force him to stay away. If he befriended a straight girl, he worried they would think he liked them romantically. If he befriended a straight man, that ran the risk of him actually liking them. If he befriended another gay man, they could date, break up, and then their friendship would be ruined. The only group he could befriend without his anxieties are lesbians. But he never really came across them.
He didn’t know what he was so worried about. He knew his anxieties were irrational. He knew that plenty of straight men and women were friends, he knew that gay men were friends, and etcetera. He just was so afraid that he or anyone else would get the wrong idea and their friendship would be over before it properly began.
~
The class had finally ended. It felt shorter than it actually was, as he was essentially just drowning in his thoughts instead of doing the work. He wasn’t sure if he’d stick with the class. It seemed too complicated, he didn’t really understand anything the professor was talking about.
Perhaps he should’ve taken those summer classes.
Josh exited the hall, Debby following suit.
Josh began walking down the linkwell when Debby tapped him on his shoulder. He quickly turned to her, avoiding eye contact.
“Do you have any friends?” She asked. Her question was very blunt, Josh couldn’t tell if she was being mean, or if she was genuinely wondering.
He hesitated. He didn’t know what to say. If he said no, she may make fun of him. If he said yes, that would just be a lie.
He stared at Debby with a blank expression.
“It’s not a trick question, dude. I was just going to ask you if you’d want to hang out. You seem lonely.” Debby said.
Josh nodded.
“Uh, well, yeah. Um, I don’t have any friends.” He murmured. “But I'd be happy to hang out.”
Debby’s face lit up.
“Great!” She said, taking out her phone from her pocket.
She handed her phone to him, the ‘new contact’ page open.
“Just enter your number. We could study together, or something.” Debby smiled.
Josh, with shaking hands, quickly tapped in his number. God. What if she was hitting on him? She seemed cool and nice, but what if she liked him and then he had to tell her he was gay and she’d be upset?
Josh tried to push the invasive thought away. She’s an opportunity for a friend. He didn’t want to pass up on that just because of some stupid worry.
Josh entered his name into her phone and swiped up.
What he saw relieved all the stress from his bones.
Her lock screen was the lesbian flag, the orange, white and pink staring back at him.
Debby was a lesbian. She was the first one he met. They could be friends!
Josh handed her phone back. Debby noticed he accidentally swiped onto the homescreen. She put her phone back in her pocket, not saying anything.
“I’ll see you later, then Josh!” She chirped, whipping around and disappearing before Josh could reply.
~
Josh felt lighter as he walked back to his dorm. He had the opportunity for a friend, a nice one. He wasn’t worried about coming off too obsessive as she had been the one to initiate everything, which meant she wanted to be his friend too.
Perhaps college would be better than he thought?