Chapter Text
Charlie sat alone, the silence of the flat crushing into him as Evan slept through the midday sun and he sipped his now tepid cup of tea. Everyday, the same monotonous routine since he was born almost two years prior and he handed in his letter of resignation. Of course, he was honoured to be the one who got to watch their son grow, while Ben, his husband, was having to spend the majority of his life working. All hours of the day and night he’d be away. Brunches and meetings that turned into week stops in Scotland, glamour without any of the love that came with home. He sacrificed so much for their family, and that’s why it left such a bitter taste in Charlie’s mouth when he had selfish thoughts of loneliness.
Occasionally, between tiny snuffles and wriggles, Evan may stir and need to be patted back to sleep on the sofa next to him, but mostly, he just stayed silent for an hour. Sometimes Charlie just listened to the ticking of the clock from the kitchen, sometimes he watched the people walking past and wondered what their lives were like. If they had the same smiles when they tucked back inside their house, away from the public eye. If the mums laughed the same and the dads perched the kids upon their shoulders when no one was watching anymore. Ben didn’t.
Charlie always swore he’d never be a phone parent. One of the ones that had it glued to their hand with no sense of what was happening around them, but was it the same if he doom scrolled, just a little?
Just while he napped?
He stared at the rectangle in his hand, unsure whether to take the leap or not, the glass glinting in the light, and the weight of it crushing down into his bones. Would it be a step he couldn’t come back from? It seemed to be for a lot of people. The gentle snores Evan emitted and the slow drips of rain down the window eventually convinced him it was worth a try. Within seconds the screen took him to hikers in Nepal, do-gooders feeding the hungry in slums he’d never seen, animals being rescued from the side of the road and bought back to life with care. Tears welled in his eyes as he watched people all across the world unite, while he sat alone with his son, nothing but four walls and an empty gnawing inside his heart.
Just as he was about to give up, to lock his screen and run away from a reality that would never be his, it filled with a laugh that stopped him.
The laugh radiated pure joy, Charlie felt it tingle through every fibre of himself, crackling into his veins and brightening him from the inside out. He was captivated. Lost in a noise he couldn’t find a face for, and happy to be consumed by it. After what felt like hours but was more like seconds, a tuft of strawberry blonde hair appeared in the corner of the unfocused and constantly moving screen. Behind, a fierce sun shining through a never-ending blue. A sun that he didn’t recognise as British.
“Sorry, sorry everyone,” the voice boomed, laughter still encasing each word as beautiful brown eyes crinkled in a smile across the screen. Followed within seconds by freckles that were getting lost in creases of scrunched up skin, “as you can see, I’m new at this.”
His background may not have been England, but his accent was tainted with the sound that Charlie recognised to be home,
“I’m not even sure how to start this you know, I mean, how do you become a vlogger? Is that even what it’s still called? I don’t know,” his smile was crooked on one side and made Charlie’s stomach swoop,
“I’m doing this for her, I guess,”
His phone dropped and repositioned, camera pointing toward a little girl sitting on sand, no older than his Evan, shells surrounding her as her fingers explored the grains beneath them.
“I want her to see it all, to see it and not forget. And I guess this is your official invite to come with us,” he laughed deep, a hint of nerves breaking through, “give us a like I suppose, and follow along!”
The video cut straight to a person insisting on the health benefits of coconut water, Charlie missing his opportunity to find the man and little girl again, instead he was welcomed back into the real world by Evan sitting abruptly. His face still puffy with sleep and his lips parted with confusion as he looked for the familiarity of Charlie.
“Good morning bubba,” he said, tucking his phone back into his jeans pocket, secretly hoping to stumble across the duo again one day. Evan shaking slightly as he grinned at Charlie and crawled over toward him.
“What should we do this afternoon, hmm?” He asked the sleepy toddler with thick curly locks, the same shade of deep brown as his own. Evan looked up at him, the rest of his body sprawled out on Charlie’s chest, his sweaty forehead tacky as he looked up into his father's eyes. His smile said everything he needed to know before his head collapsed back down and his face rubbed into Charlie’s shirt.
“A walk to the park it is”
Though he wished with all his might that one-day he’d be brave enough to take him somewhere better. Somewhere less grey.
🍁🍂
Charlie found himself slumped on the bathroom tiles, puddles of water from melted bubbles surrounding him as he sighed into the damp and humid air. Evan had played all afternoon, and Charlie had finished his day with dinner, a bath, and a story in bed. The same. Everyday.
The routine of it all kept him going, easily maintaining their quiet life while they waited to see if Ben came home that night or not. His dinner was always ready to reheat, just in case. For the first time though, in as long as he could remember, Charlie didn’t want to pick up the towel. He didn’t want to pack away the rubber duck, or even pour himself a questionably generous glass of wine.
“I’ve fallen into the trap” he groaned, eyes shut, head tilted to the stars and the cold bath pressing into his back as it gurgled the last drops through the drain. He was sure he’d made a mistake that day, the calling of the screen from his pocket, begging him to use it as an escape again. An excuse to leave the flat without ever having to move.
Luckily, or perhaps not, he was saved by the sound of keys in the front door. He scurried to his feet, kicking the mess to the edge of the room before Ben had the chance to question Charlie’s new little addiction.
“Love?” Ben called out,
“Coming” Charlie called back, scrambling out into the hallway, ready to greet the love of his life. His childhood crush. The father of his son.
“How was your day?” He asked, a smile creeping across his face as he helped Ben remove his coat,
“Long. Tiring. Yours?” He asked back, kissing Charlie on the cheek and making his way to the kitchen. He knew the routine too.
Come home, greet Charlie, heat up dinner. Ask some questions, slip off his shoes, fall asleep still in his suit. By the time Charlie woke most mornings he was already gone, and there started his day with Evan again.
“He chased some ducks today. He’s getting so fast” Charlie chuckled, thinking back to the way he giggled as he toddled around the edge of the pond at the park.
“Is he?” Ben asked, chewing a piece of chicken as though it were sour, “what sauce is this?”
“Coconut, I think…I’m not sure, I can check if you want” Charlie said, trying to remember what the label on the jar said. He hadn’t eaten it, his stomach felt nauseated by how much his phone was screaming out to him from his pocket.
“No, no,” he stopped chewing and smiled up at Charlie, “that’s ok love. Don’t get this one again though, ok?”
“Of course, no problem” Charlie smiled back, “shall I make us a cuppa while you go and relax?”
Ben nodded in reply and dragged his exhausted body back to the living room, Charlie’s mind drifting to beaches and blue skies as the rain pattered against the window and the kettle began to boil.
“Here we are then” Charlie said, a mug in each hand. As he bent to put them on the coffee table he saw that Ben had already fallen asleep, so he didn’t even bother to drink his own. Instead, he made his way to bed, greeting the empty sheets like an old friend.
Maybe just one more video. He thought to himself as he flicked his phone to life.
Half an hour later he found himself still staring, still wishing he could be somewhere else, still wishing he could hear that laugh again.