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Buck isn't sure what made him decide to, on a complete whim, stop by the animal shelter on his way to the loft from an absolute shift from hell, but here he is. At the shelter. Looking at the cats.
Maybe it was because he was tired of the never ending loneliness that seems to follow him since the lawsuit. Maybe it's because he wants to know how it feels to have someone love him no matter what. Whatever the reason, he wasn't going to question it.
He'd been left to his own devices in the cat room, going from cubby to cubby as he looked at each cat. Some meowed, some hissed, some eyed him with interest while others looked indifferent. He avoided the kittens, knowing they'd need more attention and care than he could give them with his rotating shifts. He avoided the ones with health problems for the same reason, that and he knew he couldn't afford the long term vet bills at that moment.
He was about to give up when he spotted one last cubby that he'd thought was empty until he saw a tail separate from the shadows. Poking his head around as he shuffled closer, he finally spotted a giant, fluffy black cat curled around a stuffed teddy bear looking…tired. The sight reminded him of himself, honestly.
When the cat realized he was there, he lifted his head with interest, eyeing him for a moment before slowly standing and picking up his toy. Buck was shocked when the cat began dragging the plush over to the front of the cubby, near where one of the holes sat. He was even more shocked when the cat made an effort to shove the bears head through the hole before sitting back.
He was so shocked in fact, that he didn't notice Stacy, the volunteer who'd set him loose in here, approaching.
“I see you've met Shadow.”
“That’s a pretty…apt name.” She chuckled before stepping a little closer.
“He was surrendered by a family. The kid loved him and was absolutely devastated when they dropped him off, but the parents said taking care of him was ‘too much work'." Buck frowned.
“Then why get a pet in the first place?”
“That's what I wondered. Anyway, I guess Shadow and the kid were best friends, so the kid left him with his favorite teddy bear. He drags it around with him everywhere, even out here when we let him out to clean his cubby or give him some stretch time.” Buck felt his throat tighten, a familiar prickle hitting his eyes.
“That's honestly devastating.” And hit closer to home than he wanted to admit. Her next words hit even harder.
“He's using the bear to negotiate with you.” At Buck's look of confusion, Stacy explained. “Shadow pushes a piece of the bear through the hole in hopes that the person standing there will accept it. He thinks that if they accept the bear, then they'll accept him as well. That they'll love him, too.” And that…that devastated Buck to hear. A wave of understanding slamming into him as he sniffled, unable to hold back a few tears as he looked back at Shadow with a new light.
“Can I meet him?” Stacy gave him a kind smile before patting his arm.
“Absolutely. If you switch places with me, I'll let him out." He quickly moved to comply, wiping his eyes as he went. “He's been here almost two years, which is shocking given that he's a purebred Maine coon. They're a popular breed, but I suspect his age and coat color factor into that.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, most people coming through here are typically looking for kittens. Shadow is five years old, so he's no longer a kitten. Some families are put off by his size in comparison to their kids or other pets, some live in studios and don't have enough room for him, stuff like that. Then add in that he's a black cat, which is a coat color that many are superstitious about and…well, he's unfortunately got a lot working against him.” Stacy looked sad as she got his door open after shoving the bears head back through the hole. “Genuinely, I don't understand how he manages to do that, this thing isn't exactly small.” With that, she gently lifted the bear before passing it to Buck.
“I think he'll understand what's happening if you're holding it.” Silently, he took the offered plush before looking back at Shadow. The cat stared at him with contemplative bright blue eyes before hopping out of his cubby and cautiously approaching.
Buck crouched down on the floor, holding his free hand out to Shadow for him to sniff. He almost started crying again when Shadow began rubbing his face against Buck's hand. Letting himself carefully fall back, he settled fully on the floor with Shadow and the teddy bear. He only cried a little when Shadow started making biscuits on his thigh. He looked up to find Stacy smiling softly at them.
“Am I correct in assuming that you want to take him?” Buck looked back down at Shadow, then at the bear in his hand. Taking a deep breath and wiping his eyes, he looked back up at Stacy with a determined set to his jaw.
“Absolutely.”
Forty-five minutes later, Buck was carrying Shadow and his teddy bear out to the jeep. The shelter didn't have a box carrier big enough for him, but Buck hadn't wanted one. He had a feeling that Shadow wouldn't wander off.
Wanting to stop by the pet store for some immediate essentials, Buck made sure he had Stacy's list of recommendations still in his pocket before turning over the ignition and backing out.
Arriving at the pet store, he looked over at Shadow who met his eyes with a steady gaze.
“Fuck it.” He turned off the jeep before getting out and rounding to the passenger side. Popping open the door, he grabbed the bear and the cat before shutting the door and making his way inside, clicking the lock button as he went.
He grabbed a cart, ignoring the weird looks he was getting as he set Shadow in the toddler spot and pulled out Stacy's list. He made quick work of finding everything on her list, only balking a little bit at the price, then he started looking for other things. Eyeing Shadow's size, he made his way towards the dog section in order to look at harnesses and collars, bypassing the cat selection completely.
There, he figured out that a medium size harness that was tightened a majority of the way fit him best. He found a matching collar and harness set in a suede blue, with the collar having a bow tie attached to it that he simply couldn't resist. After checking with a store clerk, Buck took the harness and leash off the cardboard sheet and attached it to Shadow. Then he went back over to the cat stuff and set him on the ground to sniff at the different toys and beds. If he started batting at it, Buck would add the toy to the cart. With the beds, he'd been warned that it may be pointless, but Shadow surprised him by actually biting down on one and trying to drag it off the bottom shelf himself.
Buck laughed softly before grabbing both the bed and the cat, placing them into the cart as he pushed his haul towards checkout. He was grinning from ear to ear when he finally walked out, having watched Shadow absolutely preen under the attention of the staff at checkout, much to the amusement of the tired mom in line behind him with her daughter. When he finished loading everything, under the watchful eye of Shadow, Buck snagged one of the new tags before getting behind the wheel. Before taking off, he attached the tag to Shadow’s harness, nodding in satisfaction when he pulled his hands back.
When he got home, he began hauling everything up, having to make multiple trips to get it all. He then spent the rest of his afternoon setting it all up after making himself lunch. He'd arrived at the shelter just after their feed time, so he knew his new cat was good to go. It didn't stop Buck from giving him a plain boiled egg, though.
“Alright, Shadow, what do you think?” He gestured vaguely to the rearranged apartment while Shadow sat on the dining table next to him, one of the teddy bears arms loosely gripped between his teeth as he looked around. When Shadow looked back up at him, he made an adorable humming sound instead of meowing, causing Buck to huff a laugh before scratching him behind the ear.
“Alright, bud, I’m usually scheduled for twelve hour shifts these days since my captain doesn’t think I can handle anything more,” He left out the part where Bobby was actually probably still punishing him for the lawsuit, “but that’s okay, because it means I’m home everyday! Sometimes it’s an overnight shift and sometimes it’s a day shift, just depends on his mood, I guess.” He didn’t realize he was frowning until he felt Shadow bump against his arm, making him instinctively start petting him. “Sorry, bud, I guess I’m still a little sad about some things.” He gave a halfhearted smile before moving towards the couch, relishing when Shadow joined him.
***
Two days later, he quietly entered the station with his head down. He wanted to be back at the loft with Shadow, having almost cried when he’d had to leave, but he also needed his job. He’d fought hard to come back, even if he’d been wondering more and more how worth it that had been in the end. He’d already eaten and had arrived in his uniform, so after shoving his bag into his locker, Buck took a second to open his phone to the new security camera app he’d downloaded after getting a few cameras delivered from Amazon.
He was so busy smiling down at his phone that he didn’t realize Eddie had entered the locker room until he heard his locker slam open, causing Buck to startle briefly as he immediately locked his phone and shoved the device into his pocket.
“What are you looking at?” Buck froze at Eddie's question, his smile falling immediately. It was asked stiffly, almost sounding obligatory, rather than like he actually cared. He frowned, shrinking in on himself as he braced for Eddie's response before answering.
“Do you even actually care?” He flinched when Eddie slammed his locker shut, looking away. He heard a sigh, but refused to look up.
“I guess not.” Then he walked away, leaving Buck to blow out a breath he didn't even realize he'd been holding.
It was another shift from hell, one that made him once again question why he’d fought so hard to come back in the first place as he left for the day. The sounds of the others laughing while they ate the meal Bobby had cooked for them fading as he made his way out of the firehouse. His drive to the loft was quiet, no music playing as he sat through traffic and counted down the minutes until he could snuggle up with Shadow.
Walking through the door, he smiled for the first time since that morning as he saw Shadow sitting on the dining table, watching the door intently with his teddy bear next to him. He hummed, standing up as his fluffy tail rattled causing Buck to grin as he shut the door and dropped his bag, kicking off his shoes as he approached the table to pet Shadow.
“I missed you today!” Shadow began to purr as Buck lifted him into his arms, holding him like a baby as he reached for the teddy bear, venting about his day as Shadow purred away in his arms. He’d just tripped over one of the cardboard cat scratchers when he had an epiphany. “We should move! The loft isn’t home to me, anyway, and we need more room. Plus, what if I break one of my legs again and can’t get up the stairs? What if I get dizzy and fall down the stairs? What if we’re both too tired to climb them? I think…a single story home with two bedrooms would be a good idea. What do you think, bud?” Shadow hummed at him, making air biscuits. Buck just grinned before nodding decisively and making his way upstairs.
After getting comfortable, he opened his laptop while Shadow curled up next to him, head resting on the teddy bear while Buck began clicking through different pages. First, he checked his credit score, then he checked his savings, next he searched for a reputable realtor, and finally he sent an email to request their services. When he was done, he began perusing the market, marking a few he thought he might like.
Eventually, he put the laptop away, realizing he needed to get at least some sleep before his shift in the morning. Yawning, he made sure his alarms were set before plugging in his phone and curling himself around Shadow.
He drifted off to the sound of his cats deep purrs.
***
Two weeks, five houses, and several shifts from hell later, Buck finally put in an offer on a place. It was bigger than he’d originally been looking for, but he figured that if he ever got another cat; which he was seriously considering so that Shadow wasn’t alone all day; or decided to adopt then he’d have plenty of room for everyone.
He pointedly ignored how close to Eddie’s place he was.
Another few weeks later, he was moving into his new place. The previous owners had accepted his offer almost immediately and the place had passed inspections, so all that was left was a fresh paint job in a few rooms and packing up the loft after he gave his notice.
The move went smoothly. Since he was working an overnight shift, he’d been able to supervise without having to worry about rushing off.
He made sure to at least get his bed set up before he had to rush off for work.
***
Christmas was just around the corner and he knew just what he would be giving to everyone after he’d seen that he had the day off, unlike everyone else.
After a lot of hesitation, he’d reached out to Athena to run his plan by her, only to be shocked at her enthusiastic response to him. Knowing that she’d missed him had helped ease some of the growing ache within him as they met up for coffee to catch up and go over the details, although he knew he hadn’t fooled her any when he’d lied about how great things were at the station. He also didn’t tell her about the move, worried it would get back to the others.
Christmas day, he managed to sneak in while the team was out on an early morning call to leave his gifts for them in their lockers. He’d already passed along his gifts for the kids to Athena the day prior, though all of it remained unsigned so that no one, especially Eddie, threw any of it away.
After slipping back out, he shot a text to Athena to wish her a Merry Christmas and let her know he’d be turning off his phone.
Who knew that a small, seemingly insignificant chain of events could change everything so quickly.
***
On his way home, Buck stopped by a cafe near his new house and got himself a coffee and pastry, plus a cup of whipped cream for Shadow. When he got home, he watched fondly as Shadow destroyed the cup of whipped cream like his life depended on it. Then he pulled out his laptop to see if he could message the shelter about another cat.
Seeing that there was an option for it, he asked about whether there were any cats that Shadow had gotten along with particularly well during his time there, then he asked if any of them were still available for adoption. He wasn’t expecting a response that day, so he shut his laptop and made his way into the freshly set up living room to watch Christmas movies, only to start feeling down at the overt family theme, so he switched the movie off and ended up turning on CSI: NY. He enjoyed Mack’s quip’s and Flack was definitely easy on the eyes, plus he was only slightly jealous of Stella’s curls.
Around lunch time he ordered some Thai food, continuing his crime show binge while he cried over Angell’s death. He paused the show for a little bit to clean up and do some coat maintenance on Shadow, deciding to trim his claws a little while he was at it. When that was all picked up, with Shadow getting a few treats for his cooperation, he briefly debating turning his phone back on for a bit before dismissing the idea and turning his show back on.
He steamed up a small salmon fillet for Shadow as a Christmas treat, chuckling at his humming and tapping. While the salmon cooled, he ordered himself some Chinese for dinner, then opened his laptop again to send in a few job applications while he waited. By the time dinner arrived, the salmon had cooled enough for Shadow to eat with him while he turned the show back on.
Instead of turning his phone back on, he dug through one of the last boxes that still needed to be unpacked and pulled out an old radio alarm clock. He used his laptop to set the time before setting his alarm so that he’d be up in time for his shift, then finally laid down for bed.
Nothing, absolutely nothing, could have prepared him for the chaos he was about to walk into.
***
Buck groaned loudly when he was woken up by his alarm. He seriously debated calling out for all of five minutes, then decided the argument wouldn’t be worth it. Plus, he needed the two weeks of pay. It wasn’t like he was hurting for money, but with a house payment to make now and the fact that he was still paying off the jeep he’d bought after the tsunami…Buck didn’t want to get too comfortable until he found another job. Maybe turning in his notice before he’d found something wasn’t the brightest idea he’d ever had, but it certainly beat pretending to be happy with shorter shifts and being a glorified janitor. Plus, he figured his resignation was the best Christmas gift he could give the team.
After wallowing for as long as he was able to, Buck finally dragged himself out of bed, hurried through his morning routine, fed Shadow and ate his own breakfast, then made himself some coffee to go and took off for work. In his rush to get out the door, he completely forgot to grab his phone. He also forgot to even turn it back on.
Walking into the station felt oppressive. It was quieter than usual, but he didn’t think much of it as he quickly made his way across the bay to the locker room. He was already in his uniform, so he just shoved his bag into his locker before moving to pull out his phone, only to groan in frustration when he realized he must have walked out without it. The already crappy morning suddenly felt worse.
With a sigh, Buck made his way out of the locker room and up the stairs towards Bobby’s office. He wanted to get the inevitable conversation out of the way so that he could get his chores list for the day.
The loft went silent as he crested the stairs, which wasn’t unusual these days so he didn’t think much of it. He didn’t dare glance around either, he’d grown tired of seeing the endless glares directed his way. He was almost to Bobby’s office when he felt someone slam into him from behind, almost causing him to panic as their arms wrapped around him before he realized it was Eddie.
“You’re alive!” Eddie’s voice sounded rough, as if he’d spent hours crying. Buck was more hung up on the fact that Eddie was hugging him than he was on the fact that the man had seemed to think he was dead.
“Uh, yeah?” He tried to move away from Eddie, but the man simply tightened his grip. Buck finally chanced a glance around, only to see everyone looking at him in wide-eyed shock. “Um…what did I miss?” Eddie finally let him go, but kept one hand on his shoulder as he turned Buck around to face him.
“Buck, we thought you were dead!”
“What?” He let out an incredulous laugh. “I was off yesterday, why would that suddenly mean I was dead? And why would it matter anyway? None of you have cared about me in months.”
“Buck, Evan, no. I swear, we cared…we just royally fucked up. Hen and I tried to get in touch with you after we got back from a call yesterday. Everyone tried to get in touch with you last night.”
“Okay…? Is this about my resignation letter? Seriously, why is this such a big deal?”
“Buck…where were you yesterday?”
“Home…?”
“But…the loft…it burned down!” Eddie was staring at him in shock, but Buck only felt confusion and a tiny bit of anger.
“Oh, that’s incredibly unfortunate. I hope everyone made it out safely.” Buck honestly felt genuinely bad for his old neighbors, losing their homes on any day was terrible, but Christmas? That was just a slap in the face really.
“Buck, how are you here? You say you were home but you weren’t at the loft. We looked for you, your neighbors said they haven’t seen you in a while.” Eddie sounded genuinely concerned. It was kind of pissing Buck off, if he was being honest with himself.
“Not that it’s any of your business, but I recently moved.”
“Wha-why didn’t you say anything?!” He spun around as Bobby shouted from behind him.
“I updated my address with HR since I figured none of you would give a shit.” He watched his captain wince. “You’ve all made it pretty clear that I don’t matter to you, and the only reason you’re all acting like you care right now is because you thought I was dead.”
“Buck-” Bobby stepped forward, a hand reaching out, but Buck was done.
“No. I thought, for once, I finally found people who cared about me for me. I thought I mattered to people beyond how useful I could be to them, but I was wrong. The minute I was broken, all of you threw me away! The second I fought back, you made sure I knew how little I’d mattered. But you spend a few hours thinking I’m dead and suddenly I mean something again?” Buck’s hands balled into fists as he grit his teeth. “You know what? I’m not feeling so great. I’ll be back for my next shift.” Then he turned on his heel, ignored the rest of the people present, and stormed down the stairs and into the locker room.
He grabbed his bag, slammed his locker shut, and made his way towards the jeep. He went home, not worried about anyone coming after him since no one knew where he lived anymore. He dropped his things by the door as he entered uncaring of where it all landed in the moment as he went through the house on autopilot.
He took a shower, not because he felt like he needed one, but because he needed to think and the shower was always the best place for that. When he was done, he dried off and put on a pair of sweats and an oversized hoodie, then his eyes fell on his traitorous phone.
Eddie’s words floated through his head, that he and Hen had tried to contact him before thinking he was dead…but that would have been after he’d found the envelope in his locker, so did it really count? With a frown, he reached out to grab his phone and finally turned it on.
As the notifications flooded in, Buck could do nothing but stare at the device in his hand. Anger and curiosity warring in him as his phone finally stopped buzzing. With a deep breath, he unlocked the device and began sorting through everything.
He went through the texts with Eddie first, noting that the first one had come in before the man had even found the envelope, received mere moments after when Buck had shut his phone off. It was short, just a merry Christmas from him and Chris, but it was more than he’d gotten in months. Sniffling, some of the anger subsiding, he kept scrolling. Messages of confusion and denial when he’d found the envelope, multiple pleas to call him back, apologies…but no words of anger, which is mainly what Buck had been expecting. Thank you messages broke up the pleas to call him back, meaning Eddie must have realized the unmarked gifts had come from Buck.
Finally, he reached the messages that had clearly come in after the apartment fire. After Eddie thought he was dead.
The tone shift from pleading to desperation and grief was startling as he continued reading.
When he reached the end, and before he could talk himself out of it, he sent Eddie his new address with explicit instructions to make sure none of the others knew. Then he opened the thread with Hen and went through her messages. They ran along the same vein as Eddie’s in terms of when they’d started and the realization that Buck had anonymously left a gift for Denny.
He took a moment to respond to Athena’s worried messages, giving her his new address and telling her he was okay. Her response came instantly, letting him know that she was on her way over and would be there in less than ten minutes. With a sigh, he got up and made his way to the kitchen to get coffee going for them.
While the coffee brewed, he read the the messages from Bobby and Chimney, finding himself only mildly surprised to see that the man notorious for running his mouth had refrained from telling his sister. His reasoning made sense, there wasn’t any official confirmation that Buck had been at the loft since his jeep hadn’t been there, plus she was on shift and he hadn’t wanted to worry her before he had some answers. All that really meant to him was that he’d be getting an earful later about how he should have told someone he had moved and how he shouldn’t have turned off his phone and blah blah blah.
Saving some of his sanity, he set his phone on do not disturb after making sure that Athena, Eddie, and Hen could still reach him.
By the time Athena was knocking on his door, sending Shadow running in order to hide, the coffee was brewed and Buck was caught up on the meltdown the team had had the day prior. Quickly moving to open the door, he stepped aside as Athena practically stormed in.
“I want to preface this by saying I’m not mad at you, I’m mad at my fool husband and his merry band of idiots.” Athena huffed as he shut the door, then she followed him into the kitchen and accepted the offered cup of coffee while helping herself to his creamer. “That said, please try and leave at least me with some way to get in touch with you so that if something like this ever happens again, I can confirm you’re not dead. You’ve had too many close calls this past year and my heart can’t take hearing you’ve died after you fought so hard the first three times to live.”
“I promise, ‘Thena, we’ll workshop it. Besides, I’m leaving my cat to May if anything ever happens to me.” He grinned when her mouth dropped open in shock.
“Since when do you have a cat?”
“I got him maybe a week or two after I started working again? I’m looking into getting him a companion cat…speaking of which,” He pulled his phone back out and opened his emails, lighting up when he saw the shelter had responded to him. “Looks like he and I are going on a little trip this afternoon!” He grinned as he responded to the email. “I’ll go see if he’s up for meeting someone new, it’s just been him and I since I brought him home so…” He shrugged before wandering off to find Shadow.
A few minutes later, he shuffled back into the kitchen carrying Shadow with his teddy bear.
“Oh, he’s so precious! What’s his name?”
“Shadow,” He paused to let Shadow sniff Athena’s outstretched hand, smiling softly when he bumped his head into her hand.
“Tell me about him.” Athena began cautiously petting him while Buck told her all about how he’d met Shadow. “That just makes me want to cry.”
“I did cry, I cried really hard. Stacy, the volunteer who helped me, she knew right away that I was leaving with him. He’s, God ‘Thena, he’s the only reason I’m still here. I think I would’ve quit sooner and probably left town by now if I didn’t have him to think about.”
“And now you own a house.” She raised an eyebrow at him as he ducked his head, kissing the top of Shadow’s head as he blushed. “Specifically a house close to a certain someone.”
“That was unintentional, but yes.”
“Doesn’t sound like leaving to me.”
“Firefighting is my life, ‘Thena, but I can’t be a firefighter in LA anymore. The others think I’m a traitor, which means the other houses likely do as well. No one will take me if I put in for transfer, of that I’m sure.” He set Shadow down before leaning back against the counter. “I can’t stay there, not with things continuing the way they’ve been.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I’ve put in a few applications to some places,” He shrugged, “I know I won’t be as happy, but I’m not happy now. I’m miserable, Athena and I can’t take it anymore. The anger, the glares, the bullying, the loneliness…”
“Why not go to the union? The chief?”
“Be serious, I sued them. They’re not going to want to help me!”
“Then they don’t deserve to be in their positions. If they don’t help you, if they brush you off, that could be construed as retaliation. Myself and a lawyer would have a damn field-day with them.”
“I’m so fucking tired of lawyers.” He scrubbed a hand over his face.
“I know, baby, but what you’re going through is wrong. What Bobby and the others are doing? It’s not right. Bobby’s abusing his power as captain with what he’s doing.” Athena stepped closer, placing a gentle hand on his arm. “Just think about it, Buck. Don’t throw away the career you love because others can’t see beyond their own ignorance and anger.”
They talked for a bit longer before Athena had to get back to her shift. Shortly after she left, Buck switched Shadow’s collar out for his harness and got him loaded into the car, making his way to the shelter. He was pleasantly surprised to see that Stacy was the one available to help him again.
Stacy wasted no time before cooing over Shadow, who instantly began purring at the attention. When they finished catching up, Stacy led them to a private room instead of the cubby room.
“I don’t want him thinking he’s being returned, so I figured this would be the best solution. He was particularly friendly with five other cats, three of which have been adopted already. I’ll bring the other two in together since they also get along.” With that, she left him alone in the meeting room.
When she returned, she was carrying two cats. One cat was another black cat with piercing orange eyes, the other had grey and white fur with calm green eyes.
“This is Pumpkin, named for the color of her eyes. And this is Ivy, cause she likes to tangle herself between your feet.” As soon as Stacy set the cats down, Shadow was squirming out of his arms in order to greet them. “I wasn’t sure if they’d still get along given that so much time has passed, but I guess I was worrying over nothing.” They shared a smile as they watched the trio rub against each other.
“How old are they?”
“Pumpkin’s barely a year old, Ivy is our little old lady since she’s twelve-ish years old.”
Buck watched the three together, chewing on his lip as he remembered Stacy’s words from his first visit. Pumpkin had her coloring working against her, despite still being a kitten, while Ivy had her age. Watching the way the three of them interacted with each other, Buck began resigning himself to his fate.
“So…how much for both of them?”
***
Later that night, after he’d gotten the new additions settled, Buck sat on the couch waiting for Eddie to arrive. He thought back over the day, still smarting from his most recent trip to the pet supply store. The day had started out shitty, but was shaping up to actually be quite nice. He didn’t want to speak too soon, but he felt that the upcoming conversation with Eddie was actually going to go well.
He was pulled from his musings by a knock on the door. Taking a deep breath, he stood and made his way over, grabbing the handle as he blew out a breath and opened it.
“H-hey, Eddie.” He stepped aside, letting the man in.
“Hey,” Eddie’s eyes roamed the space, taking it all in before settling on Buck, “The place looks good…homey.”
“Thanks.” An awkward silence fell between them.
“So…this is pretty close to my place.”
“Uh, yeah…that wasn’t really intentional…”
“I figured…” Silence fell again before Eddie blew out a long breath. “I’m sorry, Buck. I’m sorry for turning my back on you, for calling you exhausting, for not getting your side of things…for how I’ve treated you since you came back…”
“It isn’t okay, Eddie. It is honestly so far from okay. What happened to having each others backs? I was there for you after Shannon and the tsunami for a bit. You were all over me after the bombing, but then it was like something flipped after the tsunami. You started dodging my calls, making excuses to not hang out or leave Chris with me…it made me feel like you really did blame me for losing him…”
“No, Dios Buck, no! I never blamed you, I swear! I just…I was overwhelmed and…and angry. At Shannon, at myself, at the kid who planted a damn bomb on our engine, at a freaking natural disaster…when you filed the lawsuit, it just suddenly all felt like too much. I know I was pulling away, but I swear it was just because I was trying to protect you from how angry I was. I didn’t want to risk accidentally taking it out on you…but I did anyway.” Eddie looked away, face twisted in shame.
“When you called me exhausting, it felt like my parents were right…that no matter how hard I tried, I’d always be too much. My own sister even turned her back on me!” He startled when he felt Eddie suddenly grab his hand.
“You’re not too much, Buck, not for me. I will never be able to fully express how sorry I am for making you think otherwise, but I want to try…if you’ll let me.”
“This doesn’t fix anything, not right away.”
“I know, and I accept that fully.”
“It’s going to be a minute before I trust you when you say you’ll have my back or anything else like that.”
“I would expect nothing less.”
“What are we, Eds? B-before Shannon came back, and again before the tsunami and the lawsuit, it felt…”
“Like we were working towards being more than friends?” Buck nodded. “We were…and after Shannon died, I will readily admit that that scared the hell out of me.”
“Do you ever think we’ll get back to that?”
“…Do you want to?”
“Do you?”
“Absolutely. Honestly, that’s one of my biggest fears since I started working through everything in therapy. I’m afraid that I’ve ruined any chance at us being more than just best friends.” Buck was quiet for a moment as he thought over Eddie’s words.
“You haven’t…ruined any chance, but you certainly haven’t earned yourself any brownie points. We need to work on being friends again, I need to learn how to trust you again.”
“Anything, as long as it takes.”
“Plus,” He pulled his hand out of Eddie’s, worried about his reaction, “I’m going to try to talk to the union and the chief about everything…I talked to Athena earlier and she made some pretty good points, honestly…”
“Whatever you need to do, I’ll help.”
“Even if it means you also get in trouble?”
“Even then. I deserve the reprimand, Buck.” Eddie slowly took his hand again. “So…does this mean you’re no longer quitting? Bobby hasn’t submitted your resignation, as far as I’m aware anyway.”
“I honestly don’t know yet. It’s mostly going to depend on how this all plays out…I’d like to remain a firefighter, but I’m worried that there’s too much bad blood at this point.”
“Well…you’ve got me. And Hen. Definitely the two of us, even if I’m not entirely sure about Bobby and Chimney.” That got Buck to smile, but it eventually wavered.
“What about Chris?”
“He misses the hell out of you. He’s with Tia Pepa tonight, but he’ll be over the moon when he finds out that you’re back…and living so close.”
“He doesn’t hate me?” His voice sounded small.
“No. Buck, I told him that we just needed some space from each other for a bit. I never once let him believe you’d left for good or that you loved him any less.”
“Oh.” He sniffled, pleasantly surprised at the news.
“Can’t get rid of us that easily.” Eddie said it with a wide grin, one that Buck returned.
“I don’t think I’ll ever want to. You’re stuck with me, Diaz.”
“Oh no, the horror! How will I ever cope?” Eddie grabbed his chest dramatically, eyes widening in mock indignation.
“Okay, see, this is how I know you’ve been watching too many Telanovelas.” Buck rolled his eyes fondly at Eddie’s genuine noise of offense.
“You know what, Buckley, just for that I’m cooking you breakfast in the morning. You get to eat burnt eggs and toast for that insult.”
“See, I’d almost be worried, except we both know I’ll be up before you.” They glowered at each other, fighting down grins for only a moment before laughter filled the living room. They fell against each other easily as they wheezed and tried to catch their breaths.
They were going to be okay, Buck was going to be okay. He didn’t know how things would go with headquarters, if he’d still be a firefighter by the time everything was said and done, but he knew he wouldn’t be coming out the other end alone. He had his cats, he had Athena, and he had Hen. But most importantly he had Eddie and Chris. He didn’t know if he’d still have Bobby and Chimney, or even Maddie, by the time the dust settled, but he knew that he had the ones who genuinely cared about him in his corner this time.
He didn’t have to bargain for love anymore.