Chapter Text
Post by @gaydarshow
CAPTION: we did not know how famous @ShaneHollanderMLH was, sorry king
[Video opens to Anania and Shane standing with Belvedere Castle in the background. Anania is decked out in a pink sundress and star buns. Shane is wearing a black Lululemon half-zip and jeans.]
ANANIA: What is a kiki?
SHANE (after a pause): Is it like… the study on the shape of sounds? The bouba one?
ANANIA, snorting: Hold on. (pulls her phone out)
[— CUT —]
ANANIA: Hi I'm Anania! This is Gaydar, and today we're going to find out if you're gay, straight or a homophobe!
[Shane clears his throat and runs his hand through his hair.]
ANANIA: Please state your name and pronouns for the record.
SHANE (obviously nervous): Hi, I'm Shane, and my pronouns are he/him?
ANANIA, breaking into laughter: Why are you saying it like a question??
SHANE: Uh, like, I don't know man.
ANANIA: Things are not looking up for you, Shane. Anyways, first question. What is Stonewall?
SHANE: Is that the circle of alien rocks in England?
[Zoom in to Anania, looking torn between being shellshocked and laughing]
ANANIA: Cut the cameras. Holy shit, oh my god.
SHANE (visibly confused): Am… is that wrong?
ANANIA, pointing to the camera: Would you like to apologise to the New York gays?
SHANE (genuinely shameful): I'm sorry, New York gay people. (Turning to Anania,) Pretty sure that covers, like, half of the metropolitan population.
ANANIA, eyes closed, laughing: Okay! Clock it!
ANANIA: What is a kiki?
SHANE (after a pause): Is it like… the study on the shape of sounds? The bouba one?
ANANIA, snorting: Hold on. (pulls her phone out) Wait, it's real! Oh my god. Okay, I will concede.
SHANE: No, wait. What does it actually mean?
ANANIA: Oh, it's like, when you have a little hangout, a little chat, spilling the tea, you know. Alright, next up. What is (looks at cue cards) "queening out"?
SHANE, brightening: Oh! Like the drag queens! Like when their outfits are really good and they're hyping each other up? Maybe?
ANANIA (pondering): You know what. I'll give that to you.
[Shane grins, scratching the back of his neck.]
ANANIA: What is a vers, and how are they different from switches?
SHANE, gesturing with his hands: Okay, I totally know this one. A vers is someone who can both top or bottom, and a switch is someone who can be both dominant or submissive. Being vers is about giving or receiving during sex, and switching is about the power dynamic.
ANANIA, looking between the camera and Shane: That's. That's a very thorough explanation. Thank you.
[Shane immediately turns red all over, stammering.]
ANANIA: How many straight men do you know?
SHANE, looking directly into the camera for the first time: I'm a hockey player. So…
ANANIA: Oh, so you only know straight men?
SHANE: Brave to say in New York, home of the Admirals.
[flashback clip to Scott Hunter's famous Stanley Cup kiss]
ANANIA: Oh, right! That clip of… Hunter, was it? It was everywhere a couple years ago, right? Very brave of him, by the way. I mean, I would do that too if my boyfriend was as hot as that.
SHANE, snorting: Yeah, sure. Let's roll with that.
ANANIA: Name three queer musical artists.
SHANE: I don't really listen to a lot of music, but- [Anania gasps, Shane startles] Uh. Yeah. But I think [his brow furrows] girl in red? She's lesbian, right?
ANANIA: Mhm.
SHANE: My goddaughter, she's been listening to a lot of Queen, recently. Freddie Mercury. And, for the last one, Bad Bunny? I don't know if he is queer, but I mean. Have you seen the [pause] Dwerking, was it?
ANANIA, spluttering: Meet me in my office, please.
[shot of Anania and Shane, backs turned to the camera, wildly gesticulating.]
ANANIA: The jury has accepted your answer. Last question. Since you're a hockey player, here's Fuck, Marry, Kill: Hockey edition.
SHANE: Bring it on.
ANANIA: Montreal, Pittsburgh, Buffalo.
SHANE, deadpan, looking straight into the camera: Kill Montreal.
ANANIA, talking to the camera: I- Should I be scared?
SHANE: Marry Pittsburgh. They're stable, predictable. I'd lock that down. And lastly fuck Buffalo. I gave them a lot of shit last season, so they've outdone themselves this time. [shrugs] It's not going to last though, so. One night it is.
ANANIA: That's the most you've spoken about anything this entire video, by the way.
SHANE: Yeah, I mean. This is kinda my job.
ANANIA: Okay! Results are in, and you are… leaning towards homophobic, but in a boy-next-door, cutely ignorant kind of way.
SHANE, leaning into the mic, fishing a necklace out of his sweater: I am married to a man.
ANANIA: What. No! You're the hockey player who-
SHANE: Got gay married to his rival? Yeah.
[Shane pulls out his phone to reveal his lockscreen, of him and Ilya walking down the aisle after getting married.]
ANANIA: I feel like I have to go and watch 10 episodes of RuPaul now to feel suitably queer again.
@rozscurls : im cryinf they got shane on gaydar and he got diagnosed with homophobia lmaoo
⤷ @ho11anov: NOT HOMOTRON 3000 GETTING CALLED HOMOPHOBIC
@themlhcansckmyd1ck : "what is stonewall" "is that the alien rock thing in england" someone get this man a history lesson oh my god
⤷ @shilya8124: leave him alone he's been repressed his entire adult life
@quadgodilia: anania so real for being scared after the 'kill montreal' like even she knows the vibes are rancid
@ilyarozanov81: Yes, this is my very hot husband. Sorry @Anania00 he is not good with gay knowledge. Not to worry, I will fix ;)
⤷ @puckpuckgoose: i'm honestly afraid to ask how he's going to 'fix' it.
⤷ @shanehollandermlh: It's nothing bad! I will be joining a class on LGBTQ+ history at the University of Ottawa :)
⤷ @hollysuperior: every time rozanov talks about shane online it feels like he's standing over my shoulder with a knife.
⤷ @ilyarozanov81: yes.
@shanesholender: the in-depth vers/switch analysis is frying me LMAOOOO