Work Text:
@IlyaRozanov_81 ✅
Hockey season boring right now 😴 so I found a new hobby. OnlyFans coming soon. You want to see my real skills? Not just on the ice 😏
Follow there for exclusive content: onlyfans.com/ilyarozanov81
First video drop in ONE WEEK if we hit 1 MILLION subscribers. You think you can handle? 🥵
[Image attached: Ilya kneeling in the locker room post-Cup win, shirtless, head tilted back, mouth open as a teammate pours vodka directly into it.]
💭 47.2K 🔁 89.3K ❤️ 342.1K
@rozanovmouthguard: An Ilya Rozanov OnlyFans was not on my new year’s bingo card but OKAY #RozanovOF
@leafssuffering: Is this why he fought Scott Hunter last week? Was he practicing for something 😼 #RozanovOF
@financebro: At $9.99/month with 1M subs he's making more than the GDP of some small countries. Ilya Rozanov economic impact incoming 🔥 #RozanovOF
@sportsbusinessinsider: I'm reaching out to my sources to verify if this is real because if it IS real this is the most significant athlete-brand pivot since Michael Jordan played baseball #RozanovOF
@hockeydommymommy: If I subscribe and he doesn't post a video of him trying to put on skinny jeans when his thighs are still too big and he has to lay on the bed to zip them up I want my money back! #RozanovOF
⸺
Trending in Canada #7
#RozanovOF
23k tweets
⸺
Ilya was having a good dream. He was scoring the Cup-winning goal again, except that time, instead of passing to Marlow, he just did it himself. Then his phone started vibrating on the nightstand.
BUZZ. BUZZBUZZBUZZBUZZ -
"Someone better be dying," he groaned, already reaching for the device. "Or I make them die."
124 unread messages.
Sveta: 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Sveta: ILYUSHA why are your tits on the internet?
Sveta: actually wait they’re good tits but STILL
Sveta: Ilyusha if you started an onlyfans without telling me I will actually kill you
More messages flooded in from the Boston Bears group chat.
Boston Boys 🐻
Marlow: WHAT THE FUCK
Marlow: [sent link]
Simmons: Cap are you leaving the NHL to start porn career LOL
St Simon: Is it real
Carmichael: I checked the account. The metadata doesn't match his location. I think it's fake.
St Simon: NERD 🤓
With the morbid curiosity of a man poking a bruise to see if it still hurt, Ilya tapped the link. He stumbled into the comments section. He saw people calling him a disgrace to the sport and possibly humanity itself. He saw someone offering to sell their house to subscribe, which seemed extreme, but he respected the commitment.
Of course, he was still completely in the dark about the whole OnlyFans thing itself. Opening Google, he searched: what is onlyfans
OnlyFans is a content subscription service where content creators can earn money from users who subscribe to their content, often associated with adult content, though creators share a variety of genres. Creators keep 80% of their earnings, with OnlyFans taking a 20% commission for platform maintenance and payment processing -
Ilya typed in the URL and landed on the page.
ilyarozanov81
Followers: 204,847
Posts: 0
Bio: special content for my special fans. ask me about my stick handling skills 😏
Ilya laughed. Whoever did that was a genius.
Swiping back, he returned to the group chat.
Ilya: 👀
St Simon: @Ilya answer the question
Ilya: Is fake. Hacker make it
Simmons: OH THANK GOD… wait are you sure
Ilya: I am sure I have not made onlyfans. Yet
Marlow: said YET like he's scheduling it for Q3 💀
Ilya: why not? is funny
Hammersmith: dude people are paying
Marlow: you have no content
Ilya: they pay for nothing. is life lesson
St Simon: I respect the hustle even if it’s not yours
Ilya: you are all jealous
Simmons: jealous of your FAKE PORN EMPIRE?
Ilya: because I am most sexiest man on team 🥵
St Simon: source: trust me bro
Ilya: @stsimon suicides all week
St Simon: WTF
Hammersmith: @Ilya what are you gonna do?
Ilya: let them have fun
St Simon: My girlfriend is waiting for an answer
Ilya: Tell her subscribe
St Simon: I’m not telling my girlfriend to subscribe to a fake onlyfans of you
Ilya: you are insecure?
Marlow: SIMON DOWN BAD CONFIRMED
Conner² : jealousy is a disease get well soon 🙏
St Simon: WHAT NO
Marlow: SIMON CAUGHT LACKING
Conner²: Simon’s girlfriend definitely has the photo saved already 🙂↕️
St Simon: yeah ok but what about Rozy’s girlfriend?
Marlow: OH MY GOD HOW DID WE FORGET JANE
Ilya: What about her
Marlow: @Ilya what about her?? She’s gonna kill you!
Hammersmith: My wife saw it, asked if I knew about OnlyFans, didn’t believe me, and now I’m on the couch 🥲
St Simon: Girlfriends do NOT like when their man’s chest is everywhere
Marlow: Jane is probably crying or packing her bags
Ilya: Is MY chest
Conner²: NOT ANYMORE IT’S PUBLIC DOMAIN
Simmons: open source chest 😂
Marlow: when you’re in a relationship, your chest is HERS
Carmichael: Jane is seeing all the ilyas_wifey accounts and people offering to subscribe
Hammersmith: Women hate that
Ilya: Jane is not like that
Hammersmith: famous last words 🪦
Carmichael: Jane seems sweet but everyone has a limit
Marlow: Lena still brings up me liking an Instagram model… from 2011
St Simon: @Marlow 2011??? you're serving a life sentence lmaoo
Ilya: Jane is different
Marlow: Is she? Because YOU are completely different with her 🤡
Hammersmith: ohhhhhh here we go 🍿
Conner²: FINALLY. I’ve been storing evidence for YEARS
Simmons: opening the archives as we speak
Ilya: What does that mean
Marlow: don’t act clueless
Carmichael: you used to be a menace to society
Ilya: i am still menace
Marlow: no you are domesticated
Simmons: housebroken
St Simon: leash trained
Simmons: you leave team dinner EARLY
Ilya: i have sleep schedule
Conner²: YOU USED TO CLOSE THE RESTAURANT
Hammersmith: now you’re like "sorry boys jane call"
Simmons: "jane call" 🤣
Conner²: cap you used to be H I M
Simmons: now you are… this
St Simon: a boyfriend
Marlow: Remember 2014? You had THREE different girls at that club in one night
Hammersmith: And you didn't even remember their names the next morning
Carmichael: You called one "Gertrude" for a whole week
Carmichael: Her name was Mrytle
Simmons: 💀
Marlow: And now it's all "Jane this" "Jane that"
Simmons: EVERYTHING is "Jane likes"
Marlow: What do YOU like anymore?
Ilya: I like Jane
St Simon: yeah we can tell
Simmons: can’t get enough
Hammersmith: that’s what she said
Marlow: HE RUINED THE WHOLESOME MOMENT
Ilya: 😏
Marlow: You stopped fighting as much
Hammersmith: You used to lead the league in penalties
St Simon: Now you're like middle of the pack
Ilya: ...Jane said she worries
Simmons: AND YOU LISTENED 😱
Ilya: She looks at me with big eyes and says "please don't get hurt"
Hammersmith: yeah okay that would do it
Conner²: I’d retire on the spot
St Simon: I’d bubble wrap myself
Marlow: The point is Jane is going to KILL you about this onlyfans thing
Ilya: Jane and I are different
Carmichael: cap just call her
Hammersmith: put us on speaker
Ilya: 👋
⸺
Shane was in his home gym, finishing his yoga session. Downward dog. His phone was on the mat next to him, face down.
It started buzzing.
BUZZBUZZBUZZBUZZBUZZ -
That was… a lot of messages. The kind of messages that usually meant something had gone terribly wrong somewhere in the universe.
He reached for it and unlocked the screen.
Ninety-two unread messages.
He opened his Montreal Voyageurs group chat.
Go Voyageurs 🏒
Hayden: GUYS HAVE YOU SEEN
Cormeau: if this isn’t life or death I’m blocking you
Hayden: ROZANOV ONLYFANS
Taylor: WHAT
Mitty: WHAT
Wilson: WHAT
J.J: I’m gonna need you to run that back in English
Hayden: ILYA FUCKING ROZANOV HAS AN ONLYFANS
Cormeau: I'm awake now
Wilson: Rozanov is crazy but he's not THAT crazy
Hayden: see for yourselves
Hayden: [sent link]
J.J: I CLICKED IT
J.J: I'M BLIND NOW
Cormeau: Why is his mouth OPEN like that
Wilson: The BIO
Wilson: ask me about my stick handling skills
Hayden: @Wilson hey man… just know we’re here for you
Wilson: Why are you saying that like you're about to insult me...
Drapeau: @Wilson We love you but you ranked last in the locker room
Mitty: @Wilson You know which one 🤏
Wilson: I HATE YOU ALL
Cormeau: We're just saying
J.J.: If anyone should NOT be talking about "stick handling skills"
Hayden: It's the guy who lost the unofficial team competition
Drapeau: by a landslide
Wilson: THAT WAS RIGGED
Wilson: SOMEONE USED A COLD SHOWER
Wilson: THE NUMBERS WERE SKEWED
Drapeau: The tape measure doesn't lie 🤷
Wilson: STFU I was quoting rozanov not referring to myself
Drapeau: punctuation would have saved your life here
Taylor: @everyone back to main IS THE ACCOUNT REAL?
Mitty: It HAS to be fake
J.J: counterpoint: it’s Rozanov
Hayden: @Shane
J.J: CAPITAINE RISE AND SHINE
Cormeau: @Shane the faggot who ruined your playoffs is now doing porn
Drapeau: @Cormeau that's NOT what OnlyFans is
Cormeau: Close enough
Shane stared at the screen, yoga mat forgotten. He clicked the link shared by Hayden. The Twitter post loaded.
That photo - he knew that photo. He had that photo on his phone in a hidden folder that he definitely didn’t look at regularly.
Shane opened Google and typed: What is OnlyFans?
OnlyFans is a content subscription service based in London, England. Content creators can earn money from users who subscribe to their content - often referred to as "fans." While the platform is used by a variety of creators including fitness instructors, musicians, and chefs, it is most commonly associated with adult content. Creators can post photos, videos, and live stream content for their subscribers...
Shane swiped back and studied the Twitter post like it was game tape.
He zoomed in on the join date.
That was… three days ago. The account had existed for merely seventy-two hours and had already caused a hurricane in his group chat and made him abandon a very peaceful yoga session mid-downward dog.
He pulled up the metadata.
Photo taken: 2014.
He checked the location tag.
Posted from: Miami, FL.
But Ilya was in Boston right then.
The writing style was…
Ilya’s English was better than he pretended, but it wasn’t that good. The tweets were too smooth.
Shane went back to the group chat.
Shane: It's fake
J.J: how do you know?
Shane: The account was made 3 days ago
Shane: The photo is from 2014
Wilson: HOW DID WE MISS THE DATE
Hayden: I was distracted by the CHEST okay
Shane: Also the location metadata doesn't match
Shane: The post says Miami, but Rozanov was in Boston last night after the game
Shane: Why would he post from Miami if he was home?
Taylor: HOLY SHIT
Mitty: SHERLOCK HOLLANDER 🥸
J.J: CSI: NHL 🔎
Wilson: Captain coming through with the INVESTIGATION
Hayden: how do YOU know where he was after the game 🤨
Shane: It was on the news postgame interview
Shane: They show his location sometimes
J.J: They do??
Cormeau: I don't think they do
Shane: They do. I pay attention
Hayden: You know a lot about Rozanov's schedule 🧐
Shane: He's my rival. I study all my rivals
Cormeau: Actually fair
Hayden: If it's fake then who made it
J.J: Some hacker probably
Taylor: That photo????
Mitty: stop complimenting rozanov he's our ENEMY
Drapeau: @TAYLOR HAS A CRUSH 🤤
Taylor: I DO NOT
Mitty: Taylor and Rozanov sitting in a tree
Wilson: ~K~I~S~S~I~N~G~ 😗
Taylor: 🖕
Taylor: I'm not a cocksucking fag
Shane: Can we focus
Hayden: Right sorry
Cormeau: So what do we DO
Drapeau: Do we need to do anything?
Taylor: It's not our problem
Mitty: Thank GOD
Wilson: Imagine if this was one of US
Hayden: Remember when Drapeau's Instagram got hacked in 2016
Drapeau: DON'T BRING THAT UP
J.J: The DMs he sent to random accounts lmfao
Cormeau: "hey beautiful want to see my slapshot" 💀
Hayden: didn’t one of them reply
J.J: yeah
Cormeau: "no ❤️"
Taylor: REJECTED BY YOUR OWN HACKER VICTIMS
Drapeau: I HATE THIS TEAM
Shane’s phone pinged.
Lily: you see me?? i am famous now
Lily: 230k people agree i am handsome 🥰
Shane: What the hell is wrong with you?
Lily: many things
Shane: Is this real?
Lily: account is fake but photo is VERY real 😏
Shane: You need to take this seriously
Lily: i am serious about business
Lily: maybe i make real account 🤔
Lily: 80% commission is good
Shane: You are NOT making an OnlyFans
Lily: why not 🥺 you will not support my dreams?
Shane: Your "dreams" are a PR nightmare
Lily: my dream is you 😘
Shane: I’m serious
Lily: you subscribe and i give you boyfriend discount
Shane: Ilya
Lily: yes my love
Shane: Stop
Lily: cannot stop
Lily: i am content creator now 🤩
Shane: How are you planning to handle this?
Lily: i make stick handling tutorial and cooking class 😉
Shane: That is not appropriate
Lily: you like when i cook
Shane: This isn’t funny
Lily: you jealous?
Shane: No
Lily: so many people see my chest but you like when only you see
Shane: That’s not what I meant!
Lily: is okay i still choose you
Shane: I am not jealous
Lily: will you break up with me 😢
Shane: What?
Lily: because of my fame
Lily: because many people want me 😔
Shane: That’s not happening
Lily: because i give you best head
Lily: no one does like me 😈
Shane: I’m trying to have a serious conversation asshole
Lily: if my onlyfans real all men cry
Lily: they see my dick size and feel bad
Shane: You know what? I can’t continue this conversation anymore. I have a meeting.
Lily: talk about me 💋
Shane: No I won't
Lily: coward
Shane: Professional
Lily: boring
Shane: Functional
Lily: i make you fun 🙂↕️
Shane: I HATE YOU
Lily: You love me
Lily: And my stick handling
Shane: I'M LEAVING
Lily: speaking of stick handling how is your
Lily: 👇 👌
Shane: I'm not answering that
Lily: Is sore from last time?
Lily: I was very good
Shane: YOU CAN'T JUST ASK THINGS LIKE THAT
Lily: Is natural question
Lily: Boyfriend asks
Lily: How is boyfriend's 🍑
Shane: Is that a peach??
Lily: 🍆
Shane: I’m turning my phone off
⸺
@HockeyPundit
This is exactly what's wrong with the modern NHL. Players care more about their "brand" and "exposure" than actually winning games. Rozanov has been mid all season and now he's got an OnlyFans? Embarrassing. The league should suspend him. #RozanovOF
@rozanovabslicker: "mid all season" he's on pace for 92 points you absolute walnut. do you even watch hockey or just open your mouth and hope stats fall out?
> @HockeyPundit: Found the stan 🙄
>> @rozanovabslicker: found the guy who uses "stan" as an insult in 2018 💀
⸺
@oldschoolhockey
Back in my day, players kept their heads down and played the game. None of this social media nonsense. Rozanov is a disgrace to the sport. Get him out of the league. #RozanovOF
@asteroid_destroyer: "back in my day" back in your day players smoked during intermissions and drove drunk. sit down.
@sadnesseater: pov: type of person who still thinks enforcers should exist 💀
> @oldschoolhockey At least enforcers had respect for the game.
>> @sadnesseater: they had concussions and brain damage babe. not the same.
@queerfortheears: "kept their heads down" you mean repressed all personality and died sad and lonely? no thanks. let rozanov live.
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Trending on Twitter #4
#RozanovOF
95k tweets
⸺
Ilya sat at the front in the media room in a perfectly tailored suit, because if there was one thing Ilya understood, it was that you always dress for the occasion.
Especially when the occasion was "addressing a fake OnlyFans account with 587,000 subscribers."
He hadn't planned on doing this today. But circumstances had forced his hand.
To add to the pandemonium, a few days ago his official Twitter account had been suspended. Suspended! For "targeted harassment."
The harassment in question? A three-day deep dive under every post Scott Hunter ever made, where Ilya had suggested, with escalating creativity, that Hunter was not only old enough to have seen the dinosaurs go extinct, but followed that up with classics like: "Scott Hunter's rookie card is a cave painting," "Scott Hunter's pre-game meal was the last woolly mammoth," and the piece de resistance that finally did him in: "Scott Hunter doesn't have wrinkles. Those are fault lines from when continents split. He was there. He pushed."
The mass reports had finally caught up with him.
And then there was the OnlyFans situation.
His agent had called at 4 AM. "Rozanov. The silence is louder than the account. You have to say something. People think the suspension and the OnlyFans launch are a coordinated PR stunt. They think you're leaning into the villain era."
So here he was, forced to address a fake adult content page because his real account got nuked.
The moment he touched the microphone, the room became ungovernable.
"ILYAROZANOVWASITREALLYYOU - "
"HOWBIGISYOUR - "
"Ilya," a TSN reporter started, "Are you going to take legal action?"
"No."
"No?! Why not?!"
Ilya looked confused by the question. "Why would I punish artist?"
"Artist?! The person who made this is a criminal."
"Criminal is artist," Ilya said firmly. "Is hustle. I respect grind."
"YOU RESPECT THE HACKER?!"
“You must respect talent even when it is used against you.” He shrugged. “Is like hockey. When opponent scores beautiful goal, you are angry - but also you think, ‘nice goal.’”
From the back, a Barstool Sports reporter jumped in. "Ilya! The new account description says 'Slovakian stallion seeks mare for late night rides.'"
"Is poetry," Ilya corrected. "I am strong. Like stallion."
"And the late night rides part?"
Ilya tilted his head. "You never went for late night ride? On horse? Under stars? Is very romantic."
"WITH A MARE?!"
"Mare is female horse. Is how horses work."
"Rozanov," a new voice cut in, "the account also posted a 'welcome message' that said 'prepare for the ride of your life, little pony.'"
"Is good message. We should all prepare for ride of our lives. Life is short. Ride hard."
"LITTLE PONY though."
"I was little once," Ilya said thoughtfully. "Then I grew. Became stallion. Is circle of life."
A voice from The Athletic cut in. "Ilya, what did the coach say?"
Ilya's face lit up with the memory.
"He said 'Rozanov. What the fuck.' I said 'Not me, coach.' He said 'You sure?' I said 'You want proof?'"
"You offered to show proof?!"
"He said 'NO. GET OUT.' I said 'But coach, I can explain - ' He said 'OUT. NOW. CLOSE DOOR.'"
Ilya shook his head sadly. "I think he was embarrassed."
"EMBARRASSED?! Coach was probably traumatized!"
"Trauma is different for everyone," Ilya said sagely. "Maybe this was growth opportunity for him."
A reporter from The Hockey News tried desperately to redirect. "Ilya, what about the NHL? What do they think about all this?"
"NHL," Ilya answered, "sent email. Big words. 'Integrity.' 'Image of league.' 'Conduct detrimental.' Blah blah blah."
"You're not concerned?"
"I am concerned that they did not congratulate me on 587,000 subscribers. Is rude. League should support players'... side projects."
"THIS ISN'T A SIDE PROJECT!"
"Is not? Felt like side project. I did not even do anything and got 587,000 subscribers. Imagine if I tried."
He picked up his water, took a final sip, and headed for the side door.
⸺
@NHLPA ✅
The NHLPA is aware of a fraudulent account impersonating player Ilya Rozanov. We are working with appropriate authorities to address this matter. Player safety and digital privacy are of utmost importance.
We remind all players to maintain strong digital security practices and report any suspicious activity immediately.
@hockeyweirdo: NHLPA trying to arrest the only person making hockey interesting rn
@auntiefascist: me, a subscriber: 👀
@lowresdreams: "digital privacy" there is no privacy left and we are okay with that
⸺
Trending on Twitter #1
#RozanovOF
132k tweets
⸺
It should have been a good night. The Voyageurs had just pulled off a tight 3–2 win against the Admirals.
But the second Shane stepped into the press conference room, he knew that it wasn’t going to be.
He sat down and adjusted the mic.
"Shane," a Sportsnet reporter spoke, "two assists tonight. How would you rate your performance?"
"I think I played okay," Shane said, settling into the rhythm. "There’s always room for improvement. The guys did a great job finishing. Taylor’s goal in the second was - "
"Shifting gears," another voice interrupted. "Ilya Rozanov’s OnlyFans situation has been everywhere this week. Any thoughts?"
You knew this was coming. Just say the boring thing.
"I’m focused on my team and our season," Shane said. "I don’t really follow what other players do off the ice."
"It’s kind of hard to miss," the reporter pushed. "It’s trending everywhere. Seven hundred and fifty thousand subscribers now."
It was 720 an hour ago!
"I’m sure the league will handle it appropriately," he said aloud.
"But what do you think?" a Montreal Gazette reporter pressed. "You’ve had a long rivalry with Rozanov. You know him better than most."
I know him in ways you cannot print.
"I wouldn’t say I know him well," Shane replied. "We’re competitors. We play against each other. That’s the extent of it."
"You were teammates at the Tampa Bay."
"We were colleagues," Shane said carefully. "It was professional."
"Did he ever mention anything about OnlyFans during that time?"
He mentioned a lot of things. None of them safe for this room.
"No," Shane said, clearing his throat. "We didn’t discuss… that."
A CBC reporter leaned forward, clearly enjoying this far too much. “The hacker posted a new photo today. A beach photo."
Shane’s grip tightened around his water bottle.
That is my photo. That is my boyfriend. And now seven hundred and fifty thousand people have seen it.
"I haven’t seen it," Shane said, lifting the bottle for a sip.
"It’s everywhere. You haven’t seen it?"
"I was preparing for a game."
"It’s a very… flattering photo. Would you agree?"
I agree so much it’s a problem.
"I don’t really have an opinion on… photos… of other players," Shane said stiffly.
"The content menu the hacker posted includes things like ‘vegetable gardening’ and with an eggplant emoji. Any idea what that might mean?"
"I try not to… interpret… emojis," Shane said.
"What about the peach? For the cooking class?"
"I don’t… I don’t follow," Shane replied, his voice just a shade higher than before.
“And the ‘no clothes optional’ for the Q&A. That seems pretty straightforward.”
“I think… players have a responsibility to maintain a certain image,” he said finally.
"So you think this is inappropriate?"
I think it’s inappropriate that I have to sit here and pretend I don’t care.
"I think it’s a distraction from hockey."
"Hollander,” a reporter from The Athletic said, “if Rozanov did start a real OnlyFans - hypothetically - would you subscribe? Indulge us."
I indulge him every night. I have access no one here even knows exists.
"I don’t think I would… need to."
"Need to?" a Barstool reporter jumped in. "Or want to?"
Both. Neither. I don’t even know what words mean anymore.
"I think," Shane said, forcing his voice back into something even, "I would have no reason to. We’re not… close."
“One last question,” someone from The Hockey News said. “The hacker posted a new goal - one million subscribers. They’re at 750k now. If they hit it, they’re posting a video. Would you watch it?"
"I don’t watch… other players’ content," Shane said, each pause doing heavy lifting.
"Even out of curiosity?"
Curiosity is what killed the cat in 2010!
"I prefer to focus on my own game."
⸺
The conference room looked like a war zone. The whiteboard was covered edge to edge with IP addresses, arrows looping into nonsense. Laptops glowed from every corner of the table.
And at the center of it all: 947,223 subscribers.
Ilya's manager Brooke dragged a hand down her face as she paced. "Okay. Round three. Jenna, what do we have?"
Jenna didn’t look up from her laptop. "The hacker is good. Every time I get close, they bounce to a new server and location. In the last hour alone we’ve hit Romania, Brazil, Singapore, and Antarctica."
Marcus blinked. "Antarctica?"
"There’s a research station," Jenna said flatly. "Surprisingly strong wifi. They’re using it as a relay."
Dave - the lawyer - sighed. "Can we just get Twitter to shut it down?”
"We’ve sent multiple takedown requests," Jenna said. "They keep replying with ‘we are reviewing your concern.’"
Marcus snorted. "They’re not reviewing anything. They’re watching the subscriber count like the rest of us."
Brooke turned sharply. "You’ve been suspiciously quiet,” she said, narrowing her eyes at the one person in the room who seemed to be enjoying himself. “What are you thinking?"
Ilya was sprawled in his chair like this was a casual hangout, not a crisis meeting.
"I think…we need a new approach."
Marcus leaned forward. "And what’s your brilliant idea?"
"Hacker wants content, yes?" Ilya continued. "So we give them content with… surprise.”
That got Jenna’s attention. "What kind of surprise?"
"I post a photo on my Instagram," Ilya said. "The most explicit I ever posted."
Brooke’s eyes widened. "You want to post a thirst trap to catch a hacker?"
"Is not thirst trap," Ilya corrected. "Is bait."
Jenna was already leaning forward, brain clearly sprinting ahead. "And the photo has embedded metadata tracking script hidden in the file. If they download it and re-upload…"
"We get real IP," Ilya finished.
Jenna nodded, already convinced. "It could work. They’re clearly obsessed with fresh content. They won’t resist."
Dave looked unwell. “Is that even legal?”
Jenna shrugged. "It's a gray area. But so is stealing someone's likeness and running a fake OnlyFans. We're not exactly playing by the rules here."
Brooke let out a long breath. "This is the most unhinged plan we’ve come up with yet. Thoughts?"
"Technically feasible," Jenna said.
"PR disaster either way," Marcus added. "Might as well make it interesting."
"I’m not paid enough for this," Dave muttered.
Brooke nodded. "Fine. Do it."
"I have perfect photo," Ilya said, scrolling through his phone.
He turned the phone around.
Ilya was shirtless, obviously. Towel slung low on his hips, one hand in his hair, the other holding the phone.
He had taken it weeks ago, when he’d known Shane was supposed to go out with Hayden and J.J for a night out, probably trying to muster enthusiasm for a night he didn’t really want.
Ilya had sent it with a simple message: "Trying to decide if this lighting works. Your opinion?"
Shane's reply came five minutes later: "Hayden and J.J say ‘tell Lily she owes us.’"
And then: "When are you coming over?"
Brooke exhaled. "That’s… that’s gonna work."
Ilya typed for a few seconds, then held it up.
@rozanov81 ☑️
Just another day in Boston. No filter needed 😏
[Image attached: The Photo]
"Tracking script is live," Jenna said. "As soon as someone downloads the high-res version, we’ll know."
Ilya pressed POST.
Not even half a minute later, likes and comments started pouring in.
@taylorsversion: THE TOWEL IS HANGING ON FOR DEAR LIFE. JUST LIKE MY SANITY.
@mikkolaniko69: I still don't understand. Why towel?
@sveta_love: 🔥🔥🔥
@hatesgirlmath: The towel is doing more work than some NHL defensemen.
Fifteen minutes later, the fake OnlyFans account updates.
@IlyaRozanov_81 ✅
New content just dropped! We have the HIGHEST QUALITY version. Subscribe now to see! 950k subscribers almost there!
[Image attached: The Towel Photo - Downloaded and Reposted]
Jenna’s laptop beeped.
"Got them."
Every head snapped toward her.
Jenna was already typing, fingers flying across the keyboard. "They downloaded the high-res version. The tracking script activated. I have their real IP - no VPN this time. They got greedy."
Brooke stepped closer. "Where are they?"
Jenna’s eyes scanned the screen, something like confusion flickering across her face. "It’s routing through - okay, that’s weird."
Marcus leaned in. "What?"
"The IP is bouncing, but the origin point is…" she paused, squinting. "…Boston."
"Boston?" Brooke repeated.
"Same city," Jenna confirmed. "They’re local."
Ilya, lounging just seconds ago, was suddenly very awake. "Hacker is neighbor?”
"Not just neighbor," Jenna said, zooming in. "Downtown. That office building - the one with the coffee shop on the first floor."
Brooke blinked. "They’re in an office building?"
"Public Wi-Fi," Jenna said. "Coffee shop. They’re working out of a Starbucks."
"I am going," Ilya said, standing.
Brooke spun toward him. "You what - no. No, you’re not going to - "
"I will talk to them. Is fine."
"Rozanov - "
"They steal my photos. They make nine hundred fifty thousand subscribers.” He shrugged, already halfway to the door. "I go meet artist."
"I have the exact location," Jenna added. "Table near the window. Device connected to ‘Starbucks_WiFi_Free.’"
"I will send update," Ilya said.
"ILYA - "
The door shut behind him.
⸺
The bell above the door chimed softly as Ilya stepped inside. Students were hunched over laptops, someone arguing softly on a call, the hiss of espresso machines filling the background.
Ilya scanned the room once. Then he saw them on the table by the window.
Hood up. Laptop open.
On the screen, the number ticked up again: 958,223.
Ilya walked over without hesitation and sat down across from them.
"This table’s taken, sorry - " a boy in his late teens said, not looking up.
When he did, he froze.
Because Ilya Rozanov was sitting directly across from him, smiling.
"I like your work," Ilya said pleasantly. "Good captions. But you use old photos. I have better ones. You want to see?"
"Oh my god," the hacker whispered. "Are you… are you going to kill me?"
Ilya blinked, confused. "Why would I kill you?"
"You - I ran a fake OnlyFans of you. For five days. Nine hundred and - " he glanced at the screen " - fifty-eight thousand subscribers."
"Sixty thousand now," Ilya corrected lightly. "Is growing still."
The hacker looked back at the number.
"Oh my god, it is still growing."
"You are good at this," Ilya said. "Better than my media team."
"Your media team has been trying to catch me for days."
"I caught you." Ilya tilted his head slightly. "But I am not here to be angry. I am here to ask: why?"
The hacker hesitated. "You really want to know?"
"Yes."
He took a breath.
"Okay. So… my aunt. She was a huge hockey fan. Like - obsessed. She ran a charity. For kids who can’t afford equipment. For twenty years."
Ilya’s expression softened slightly.
"Last month," the boy continued, voice tightening, "there was a flood. She was driving to the building. Trying to move equipment. The roads were bad and…"
He didn’t finish the sentence.
"I am sorry," Ilya said quietly.
"The charity almost shut down," the boy went on.
He swallowed, then pushed forward anyway.
"It’s not just… some program," he said. "It’s ice time, gear, travel - stuff those kids would never get otherwise. My aunt ran everything herself. She’d track who needed skates, who outgrew pads, who couldn’t pay league fees. She knew all of them."
Ilya didn’t interrupt.
"They’re good," the boy added quickly. "Some of them could actually go somewhere with it."
Ilya exhaled slowly, gaze dropping for a second before returning to him.
"So when everything fell apart," the boy continued, "I just needed money. Something immediate."
He let out a humorless breath. "And then I saw your account was suspended for the Scott Hunter comments."
He rubbed the back of his neck.
"And I thought… if people already expect you to post something - if there’s confusion anyway - "
The words slowed, like he knew exactly how bad it sounded.
"I didn’t plan it all at once,” he said. "It kind of… built. First it was just reposting things. Then I saw how fast engagement spiked when people thought it was really you."
He glanced up, bracing for anger.
"And then I thought if attention is that easy to get… money might be too."
Silence stretched for a moment.
"I knew it was wrong,” he said quickly. "Using your name. And - yeah, the whole… adult content angle. I knew that was - ” He cut himself off, jaw tightening. "But it was the fastest way. People pay for that. Immediately."
His voice dropped.
"It’s - yeah. Not exactly the kind of thing you want tied to a kids’ charity."
He forced himself to keep going.
"But I kept thinking about them,” he said. "Kids who finally got a shot. Who just needed ice time and gear. And if we couldn’t raise anything - "
He shook his head.
"That’s it for them."
His eyes flicked back to Ilya’s.
"How much?" Ilya asked after a moment.
"More than nine hundred thousand dollars so far."
That made Ilya's eyebrows lift.
"You commit crime… for charity," he said.
"I know how that sounds."
“It sounds…” he tilted his head, thinking. "…like very good reason."
The hacker blinked. “You’re not mad?”
"I am mad you use old photos," Ilya shrugged. "But charity? Is difficult to be mad at charity."
"I can show you the records," the boy rushed. "Proof - "
"I believe you," Ilya said. "You have honest face."
The hacker stared at him.
"So… what now?" he asked carefully. "Are you turning me in?"
Ilya thought about it. "Hm. No."
"…no?"
"You keep the money. Charity needs money. I do not need money. I have many money."
"You’re letting me keep it?"
"What is raised is already raised. It did good thing."
"But," he added. "You do not continue."
The boy blinked. "I - "
"No more fake account," Ilya said. “This is a problem. Not just for you." He tapped his chest. "For me also. League, lawyers, many very boring people will eventually find you. And then? Bigger mess."
The boy’s shoulders sank a little. "Yeah… I figured it was only a matter of time."
"So we do this smarter," Ilya said. "You show me charity. Then I help."
"Help how?" the boy asked, cautious now, like he didn’t quite trust where this was going.
"I put my name on it," Ilya said. "People donate."
"You’d… endorse it?"
"People like story," Ilya went on. "This is good story. Better than…" He waved a hand vaguely. "Towel situation."
Despite himself, the boy let out a laugh.
"Also," Ilya added, "this way you do not have to feel guilty every five minutes."
The boy hesitated, something like disbelief still written all over his face. "Why are you helping me?"
"Because someone helped those kids already," Ilya said. "For twenty years."
There was a brief pause.
"And because," he added, just a little sharper again, "if you are going to use my face, at least do it correctly."
"I don’t - I don’t know what to say."
"Say you post one more thing," Ilya said, glancing at the screen. “You tell them: one more video tomorrow night. From real Ilya."
The hacker’s jaw dropped. "You’re going to post a video? On the fake account?"
"Is not fake anymore," Ilya smiled. "Is collaboration."
"I - you - what - "
"First," Ilya said, already pulling out his phone, "selfie."
Before the hacker could react, Ilya leaned in and snapped the photo.
"What is your name?" he asked.
"…Jude."
"Now Jude," Ilya continued, "you post."
Jude turned back to the laptop.
⸺
@IlyaRozanov_81✅
Only forty thousand to go 🥳
Tomorrow night. Exclusive video. From the REAL Ilya Rozanov.
Special thanks to @rozanov81 for being a good sport about this. We had a chat. He's... actually really nice? And very handsome in person. Can confirm.
Video tomorrow. 8pm EST. You'll want to be there 😌
[Image attached: Selfie of Ilya and Jude, Starbucks in the background]
@sarcasmprovider: THE HACKER AND ILYA ARE FRIENDS NOW???
@hockeyanalytics: This is the most unexpected plot twist in sports history
⸺
Meanwhile, Ilya's phone was getting bombarded with messages:
Jane: YOU MET THE HACKER AND TOOK A SELFIE???
Jane: AND NOW YOU'RE DOING A COLLAB???
Ilya: Jude is nice
Ilya: He does crime for charity
Ilya: Is good person
Jane: HE RAN A FAKE ONLYFANS OF YOU
Ilya: For charity
Ilya: You meet him sometime
Jane: I'm NOT meeting the hacker
Ilya: He is fan now 😍
Jane: I can't with you
Ilya: Video tomorrow 8pm
Jane: What's IN the video?
Ilya: Surprise 🎁
⸺
Ilya was sitting in his apartment, phone propped up on a stack of books, camera pointed at his face.
The OnlyFans subscriber count had just hit 1,047,892.
Ilya hit RECORD.
"Hello, 1 million people."
The words landed a little uneven, like he still wasn’t used to them.
"Is weird to say,” he admitted. "One million. That is many people. And you are all here. For my face. For my - " he gestured vaguely at himself " - this."
He reached for his phone and held it up to the camera.
The selfie.
"This is Jude," he said. "Jude is hacker. Jude is also very nice person. We are friends now."
He lowered the phone.
"Jude’s aunt ran a charity. For kids who want to play hockey but cannot afford. Without help, many kids cannot play at all."
The humor dropped away.
"She died recently. In flood. Trying to save equipment. After that, charity was going to close."
His eyes steadied on the camera.
"So Jude used my name. He made an account. People subscribed."
He exhaled.
"And that cannot continue. It is illegal."
"But the reason?" he added. "The reason matters."
He leaned in slightly. "You are already willing to spend money. Ten dollars. Twenty dollars. Every month. On celebrities. On things that disappear in one minute."
He lifted a hand. "What if you spend that same ten dollars on something real?"
He held his palm up to the camera.
www.hockeyforkids.org
"This is the charity," he said. "It helps kids play hockey who otherwise cannot."
He gave a knowing look.
"You can do something better. You can give that money to them."
He lowered his hand.
"Charity has already gained thousands of dollars because of you. Even if you did not know."
A small smile returned. "So imagine what happens… if you do know."
He leaned back again, more like himself now.
"If you want to support me, this is how. You support what matters."
He gave a crooked smile.
"And if you want my real nudes? You go ask my boyfriend."
He winked.
“Goodbye, one million.”
The video cut to black.
@lookingformylud: BOYFRIEND??? HE HAS A BOYFRIEND???
@zhanna_love: THE WAY HE JUST CASUALLY CAME OUT TO 1 MILLION PEOPLE LIKE IT WAS NOTHING
@myotherride_isyourad: "You can ask him" WHO DO WE ASK
@toewslover: He turned a fake OnlyFans into a charity fundraiser and a coming out party. This man is a GENIUS 👏👏
⸺
Trending on Twitter #1
#RozanovBF
247K tweets
⸺
Shane was sitting in his apartment, staring at his phone. The video was on repeat.
"And if you want my real nudes? You go ask my boyfriend."
Lily: You mad?
Shane: I don't know
Lily: I also do not know many things
Shane: 127k donated to charity
Shane: That's... actually really good
Lily: Is why I did it
Shane: That's really sweet
Lily: I am full of surprises
Shane: You're full of SOMETHING
Lily: 🍆
Shane: STOP
Lily: You want to stay secret still?
Shane: I don't know
Lily: I don't want to stay secret
Lily: I want to tell everyone
Lily: I want to hold your hand in public
Lily: I want to kiss you after games
Lily: I want to stop hiding
Shane: I want that too
Shane: I'm just scared
Lily: Is okay to be scared
Lily: I am also scared
Lily: But I am more in love
Shane: You can't just SAY things like that
Lily: Is my mouth
Lily: I say what I want
Shane: Your mouth is going to be the death of me
Lily: 😏
Lily: Your mouth is also very good at many things
Shane: I'M TRYING TO BE SERIOUS
Lily: I am very serious about us
Shane: I don't want to hide either
Shane: I'm just bad at change
Lily: Is okay
Lily: We change together ❤️
Shane: ❤️
Shane: I should probably post something
Lily: Post "he is very sexy and good in bed"
Shane: I'm NOT posting that. It's PRIVATE
Lily: Is true 🥰
Shane: I'm posting
Shane: Watch
⸺
@shanehollanderhockeyplayer ✅
Yes. He's mine.
[Image attached: A photo of them at the cottage, both laughing. Ilya's arm around Shane as he feeds the loons.]
@YourLocall_l: I came here to hate and now I'm crying. WHAT IS THIS.
@lanaontop: FINALLY. IT ONLY TOOK A FAKE ONLYFANS.
@tressdontstress: Happy for you both. (Also please stop crashing the internet, it's making my phone slow)
⸺
[CHARITY DONATIONS: $3,547,892 AND CLIMBING]