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Mel liked being alone. She liked silence, and stillness, and solitude. She very rarely got it, but that was fine, too. She liked spending time with her sister. It was hard, sometimes, coming home after a particularly grueling shift, and then going out to a restaurant, watching Elf, whatever it was Becca wanted to do. It was worth it, though, because she loved her sister. Sometimes she’d lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, mind so numb that thinking hurt, unable to process the day. That was fine.
Now, though, watching the fireworks, all alone, in the ambulance bay. She didn’t want it. She didn’t want to be alone. She wanted her sister. She wanted her mom, and her dad, she wanted things to be how they were. It wasn’t fair she was all by herself. It wasn’t fair that Becca had a boyfriend, it wasn’t fair he had both his parents, that Becca was ditching her for them. She found herself a new family, and what, Mel gets left behind ? The noise of the fireworks was drowned out by her headphones, the spare pair of them weighing heavily in the bag digging into her shoulder. The ear pads pressed too firmly against her ears, the headband hovering, but not touching, her scalp, the silence, pounding in her ears, it was too much. It was too much, it was too much. She pulled them off, sinking to the ground, bag falling off her shoulder and back pressed firmly into the brick wall behind her, headphones skittering across the ground at her feet. She pulled her knees to her chest, the sound of the fireworks booming through her body, shaking her bones. Too loud, too quiet, no in between. She wanted to go home. She squeezed her knees, tight, trying to stop her bones from rattling, her hands from shaking. She hit her forehead against her knees, once, twice, she wanted to hit it against the wall, she wanted the sharp throbbing pain she was feeling to have a cause, she wanted to have some physical damage to accompany the emotional.
She tried to steady her breathing, to calm her racing heart, but her blood was boiling, bubbling under her skin, angry and fast. She was sweating, and the sweat dripping off her forehead itched, and her clothes felt too tight and the fireworks kept booming and she couldn’t calm down. Everything was moving without her, her heart pounding without permission, the sweat running down her temple, her whole body rocking, back and forth, without meaning to. Fireworks boomed and the bugs chirped and Becca was watching fireworks somewhere without her. Laughing with her boyfriend, talking to his parents, Mel didn’t even get an invite. She pulled her hands in, lifting her glasses off her nose with one hand and putting the other between her teeth. She bit down, hard, once, twice, leaving a small ring of teeth marks around the muscle of her thumb, before she switched to gentler bites, sucking more than anything else.
“Mel ?” He said, Langdon’s voice coming from above her. She squeezed her legs tighter, hand flying away from her mouth and burying her face in her knees, shaking her head. She didn’t want him to see her like this. She didn’t want anyone to see her like this, but definitely not him. She should’ve found a more private spot, should’ve gone home and had this breakdown behind a locked door. She dug her forehead into her knees, supraorbital bone digging into patella, bone on bone. “Mel,” He said again, his voice lower, closer this time, he must’ve squatted down. She shook her head.
“I’m fine.” She said, voice louder than she intended, “I’m okay.” He obviously wasn’t convinced. She couldn’t blame him. She didn’t sound very convincing. She peeked up at him, just her eyes peering above her knees to watch him. He moved to her side, sitting beside her, she watched him sigh.
“You don’t have to-“ She started, the words trailing off as another firework boomed.
“Mel,” He said, voice soft, “Tell me what’s bothering you.” No one had ever said that to her before. Not in a way she believed they actually cared, at least.
“They claimed I was incompetent at my deposition,” She said,
“That’s obviously untrue.” He said quickly, certainly. She sighed.
“Beccas been lying to me,” She hugged her knees closer, “For six months, I mean, she’s out right now with her boyfriend, we were supposed to watch the fireworks together,” She was pulling herself tighter and tighter, crumpling like a tin can, imploding, “We always watch the fireworks together.” Her voice sounded small and sad and broken. “We did it with my parents before they-“ Her voice broke, she missed her mom, badly, “On our moms last fourth, she was too tired to go out, Becca was so upset, she-“ Mel stopped herself from spiraling, squeezing her legs, so tight she thought she might pop. She bit her lip to keep from saying more. It didn’t work, and the words kept finding their way out of her mouth, “I thought I’d be watching fireworks with my sister tonight and instead I’m here alone.” Her lip quivered as she said it. He sat in silence, taking in her words, processing them, turning them over in his mind.
“That sucks.” He said. Somehow, it made her feel a little bit better.
“It does,” She said, like a whining child. Finally, someone acknowledged it.
“It was a bad day,” He said, pulling his own legs up, mirroring her posture, “For everyone.” He let his forehead thump gently onto his knee. Mel nodded. It was an understatement. Bright lights, red and blue and green filtered down over them, another loud boom making Mel flinch.
“I’m glad you were here, though.” She said, turning her head so her temple rested against her knee, looking at him. Her heart was still racing, but she could get her breathing under control. It was always easier, for Mel, to shove her feelings down when someone else could see her. Her hands were still shaking, though. He didn’t say anything, he wrapped his arms around his legs, hugging them tight. He looked small, considering how tall he really was.
“I mean it.” She continued. “If I had to leave Becca with Santos I wouldn’t have gone to my deposition,” She admitted. “I would’ve skipped it.” She’d been mad, she’d been livid with him, when he wouldn’t tell her about Becca, it simmered down to more mild annoyance, as they’d talked here before. As he’d asked just the right questions to get her to say, herself, what she needed to hear. Any anger or annoyance was gone, looking at him, sitting besides her.
“Glad I could help.” He said, turning his head to her, “Sorry,” He said, quiet.
“Sorry ?” She asked.
“I’m just…” Another firework interrupted him, “Sorry.” He finished.
“Me too.” She said. She wasn’t sure when the dripping on her face had changed from sweat to tears, but it had. She was crying, not the full body sobs she’d expected, but tears were trickling down her cheeks. She wiped them against the fabric on her knees. Her lip quivered, and she hid her face again. They were quiet, the sound of fireworks booming over them, Mel’s sniffles the only sound made between the two of them. She could feel Langdon's eyes on her, but she didn’t have the energy to care. Another firework, and then she felt his hand, large and open, on her back. She tensed, unsure what to make of the contact. Usually, she hated being touched, especially when she was upset, when her body felt like it was running away from her. Something about the way he touched her, steady and constant, not rubbing circles, not moving at all, just a firm hand, placed on her back, letting her know he’s there.
She’s not alone.
She lifted her head, her glasses dropping off her forehead back onto her nose, and turned to look at him. He did the same, and a firework bathed him in blue light, sparkling and sizzling out.
“Thank you for coming back,” She said, feeling silly. He hadn’t come back for her, he was at work. But still.
“After today, I don’t know if I have it in me anymore.” He said. It was a quiet admittance, barely heard in the small space between them. “I don’t think I can do it.” Mel’s eyes were wide, she knew, at the admission, like she couldn’t believe her ears.
“We need you,” She said, the words falling out of her mouth before she’d fully thought about them,
“You’re a sensitive person,” She continued, before he could stop her. His eyes were wide, now, too.
“Why do you like me so much ?” He asked, eyes narrowing to a squint, looking at her curiously. She paused before answering.
“You made a great first impression,” She said, almost like a question, her tone unsure. He chuckled, at that, and smiled. She smiled, too. “Besides,” She continued, “You can’t leave,” She propped her chin on her knees as she spoke, “If Becca ever has to come back, she’ll be very upset to find you’re not around.” Another firework punctuated her sentence, and Langdon laughed.
“She does run a tight ship,” He ducked his head, still laughing. She was happy that he’d found her out here. He had a way of making her feel better, even at her worst. She stood, brushing her hands off on her scrub pants, offering a hand to Langdon. He took it and stood beside her.
“Do you want to watch the rest of the show in the park ?” She asked. He crossed his arms across his chest, nodding. Langdon bent down, picking up her headphones, handing them to her, and they walked across the street, to watch the fireworks.