Chapter Text
I'm going insane. This is it, this is gonna be what makes me lose it for real.
Not waking up alone with no idea who or where I was. Not realizing that I'm 11.9 light years from home and definitely going to die in space. Not being stuck in this tiny three-room ship for years with an alien. No. That's not what's going to drive me to insanity.
“Grace okay, question?”
Fuck.
I can't do this right now, I can't.
I'm not who he thinks I am.
That's the one thing I can't seem to distract myself from. I have to tell him, don't I? I have to. I can't keep it to myself. But how? If only I'd told him the second I knew myself, but…
‘We are brave.’ That was what Rocky said, right before I remembered. I couldn't, not then. Not when we were so close to figuring it out, not when Rocky was counting on me, when we needed to believe in each other the most.
“Grace,” he says again, louder this time, tapping against the xenonite barrier.
I press my face into my hands, trying to hold back tears.
“Are you hurt, question?”
God, I'm awful. Here he is, worrying about me, when he should be getting ready. We're so close to Erid, he should be worrying about anything else.
“No, not hurt,” I say quietly.
We're almost at Erid. I have to tell him before we get in range of whatever radio-equivalent they use. He deserves to know, to have the chance to tell everyone before I land. He should know I’m a coward before he convinces his planet to funnel all their resources into keeping me alive.
“Something is wrong, though.”
I've thought it through so many times, in the years since I remembered.
‘Hey Rocky, I need to tell you something.’
‘Hey Rocky, you know how you always call us brave? Well…’
‘Hey Rocky so the actual reason I had amnesia when I met you was because I said no when they asked me to save my planet even though I was the only qualified candidate and they forced me to and I said if they sent me I'd kill everyone by sabotaging the mission so Stratt gave me some insane amnesia drug.’
Not exactly a conversation anyone wants to have ever, let alone with their roommate in a ship with no escape. Not something anyone wants to hear from the person they're relying on to save their people, either.
“Grace, tell me what is wrong.”
“I really, really don't want to,” I admit quietly, surprising myself. I'd meant to say ‘not now’ or something along those lines.
“Why, question? Rocky can help.”
“Don't think this is something you're going to be able to fix.”
“More brains is better, that's what you always say, right?”
Two brains is better than one, yeah, I do say that. Past me is working against me, clearly. I clench my hands together in my lap, gaze dropping back down. Not like Rocky needs me to look at him. Unlike some people, he doesn't mind.
“Grace, I worry. You keep going quiet.”
Of course he'd noticed.
“I… really need to tell you something,” I whisper, “but I really don't want to. Don't know how to.”
“Do not understand. Tell with words. If not enough words, we figure it out like always.”
“Oh I wish it was that simple,” I say, sighing.
“Explain.”
“Explain what?”
“Why is it not simple. Why do you not want to tell me. Why are you upset. Any.”
Maybe I am going to do this now. We're about a month out now, from Erid. I was going to procrastinate a bit longer. I still could, technically. I could shut it down, tell Rocky I'm not talking about it right now. If I say it seriously, phrase it right, he'll drop it.
I shouldn't.
Also, he's so nice to me. He shouldn't be. Won't be after this, I'm sure. Even if he decides I'm still worth Erid's time, for my knowledge, he'll be different. Once he knows.
“You think I'm brave, right? Good? Someone who does the right thing?”
“Obviously,” Rocky replies, confused.
“I'm not,” I say.
I pull my knees up to my chest, resting my forehead on them.
“I… remembered something. Years ago, when we were breeding the Taumoeba. I never told you, I should've, I just-”
“No reason to tell me everything you remember. Would be so much, especially then. We were so busy.”
“I know but it- Rocky I'm not who you think I am.”
“I know who Grace is. Grace is human friend from Sol system. Grace is good, Grace volunteered to die, to save species.”
“I didn't,” I say, voice cracking, “I didn't volunteer.”
“I do not understand.”
“I- I had assumed I did. I mean how else could I be up here? But no. I- I'm not brave, Rocky. I'm not selfless. I'm selfish and a coward. I was the only option. It had to be me, it really did. The next option was… not good. But I- I was scared, Rocky, I couldn't do it.”
I'm crying, I couldn't stop it. My cheeks are wet, and I can feel the tears soaking through my pants to my knees.
“I told them I wouldn't go. Stratt didn't give me a choice. I told her- I- I said if she sent me, I'd sabotage the mission, doom humanity, if I woke up here. That's why I couldn't remember, I-”
I can't say any more. My tongue is heavy in my mouth and my lungs feel like they're being crushed. I need to keep it together. I can't fully break down, I can't.
“They… forced you on the mission?”
I nod.
“I should have told you, I'm sorry- I promise I was gonna tell you before we got to Erid, I swear. I-”
“Explain. Why does that matter, question?”
“You- I don't want your people to waste resources on someone like me, I know how much it's going to take to try and keep me alive, you deserve to know, they deserve to know, I didn't- I wanted you to be able to decide what to say, if you tell them nothing can be done and I'll go home and then leave, they shouldn't use all those resources-”
Something touches my leg. Rocky. I turn to look, and through my tears I can see that he's in the newest iteration of his xenonite ball, which has slowly been becoming less of a ball and more of a space suit.
“Grace, listen.”
I don't know why he's out here. Why he's this close, talking so gently.
“You will live on Erid, with me. You will live. Scientists will make food, shelter. We will make suits, so you can visit and I can visit. You will meet Eridians. You will love Adrian, if they're waiting for me. I know they will love you.”
He grabs my hands and gets me to release my legs, and then… crawls into my lap?
That alone is enough to partly snap me out of my spiraling thoughts. He's really heavy, but not too heavy. The weight across my thighs is comforting.
“Grace is afraid.”
“I know, I- I'm sorry-”
“No. Stop,” Rocky says firmly. “Yes, you were scared then. Meant Grace is scared now. Don't be. Everything is okay. Grace is not bad. Made selfish choice, but understandable one. Scared. No time to prepare. You said a while ago, you found out days before? Not enough time. Not enough support. Was wrong for them to do that to you.”
I burst out sobbing, unable to hold anything back anymore. I lean forward, resting my forehead on Rocky's carapace and wrapping my arms around him.
Rocky returns the hug, wrapping two arms around my waist. It makes me cry even harder.
I could feel warmth through the xenonite, and it's the best hug I've ever had. I shouldn't be getting it, but I don't have it in me to push him away.
“Rocky loves Grace. Grace saved Earth, and Grace came back. Saved Rocky, saved Erid. Good friend. More than enough to prove Grace is good,” he says.
His fingers tap a steady rhythm against my back, slow and consistent.
I shake my head, but don't say anything. I'm not sure I even can right now.
“Grace always says Rocky is smarter, yes, question?”
Oh for fuck's sake, past-me is at it again. Of course. But I can't even blame past-me, because he was right. Rocky is smarter than me, he's a genius.
“Grace listening, question?”
I manage to steady my breathing a little, but can't stop the tears. I nod, but don't pull back.
“Rocky smarter, Rocky think Grace is good. Can make selfish choice and still be good.”
“I picked myself over the entire world,” I manage to whisper.
“You did,” Rocky says, not one to mince words. “You also chose to never go home again to save me and my world. People change.”
“You're far too nice to me.”
“Grace stupid. No such thing. Love Grace, if I can help I will.”
I'm not sure how long I sit like that, but my back is not happy with it. My eyes are closed, and the warmth radiating from Rocky combined with the emotional rollercoaster for the day start to settle in, and I can't help but yawn.
“Grace sleep, I watch.”
Not a question. Looks like it's back to being bossed around by Rocky again. At this point though I don't even mind, I'm tired anyway, and the fact that he still cares enough about me to be making me take care of myself warms my heart a bit.
I'm still not entirely convinced that he's not going to process this more later and realize that, no, yeah, Ryland Grace isn't the man he thought he was, but for now…
“Yeah, that sounds nice.”
I try and only partially succeed at holding back a particularly pathetic noise when Rocky moves so I can get up. He clearly notices though, and one of his xenonite-covered hands is in mine.
“No reason to sleep on floor. You have bed. Is soft, like you. Floor too hard.”
He's right, like he is most of the time. But the part of my brain that freaks out when he moves away isn't logical, it's emotional. And right now I feel exposed.
“Yeah, I know. You're right.”
I use my free hand to help myself up, and Rocky moves with me, keeping his hand in mine.
My bed isn't too far, but unfortunately I do have to let go of Rocky's hand to pull back the covers and make myself comfortable.
As I reach to pull the blanket back up, Rocky climbs up on the bed next to me, tucking himself between my arm and my side.
“Staying here. Not leaving,” Rocky says, draping two of his arms over my chest.
The weight is comforting, and I'm almost glad my eyes haven't stopped watering yet, because this would have had me tearing up all over again.
“Love you Rocky,” I whisper, curling my arm around him.
“Love Grace too. Sleep, I will be here.”