Chapter Text
“Do you need something, Buckley, or do you have nothing better to do but stand in my doorway and watch me complete paperwork?”
Buckley. He was Buckley now. He supposed he should just be glad they respected him enough to not call him Evan. That usually reminded him of his parents, and well... he’d like to think that everyone, that Bobby, had, in fact, loved him at some point. He didn’t want more people who had eventually decided he was too loud, too hectic, too irresponsible and reckless, too... much. He was too much. And somehow, that made him not good enough. Regaining full function of his leg after it was crushed... not good enough. Breaking records during his recerts... not good enough. Helping all those people on the pier... not good enough. He had lost Christopher. He was the reason Christopher was there in the first place. And that was just recent events. Someone could go through his entire career and his life and give example after example of how he wasn’t good enough, how he had failed.
Buck looked down at his hands as he shifted his weight from one leg to the other. It was rare for him to be still, but this was nerves. He’d had a nervous energy all morning, and it had taken him a while to get the courage to come talk to Bobby. He didn’t know why he was so nervous about addressing the transfer. All he had to do was ask. Bobby probably couldn’t wait to get rid of him. It was likely just a mistake that his transfer request had been denied.
“I requested a transfer, sir.”
“I’m aware.”
Buck froze for a moment. It had been so long since he’d submitted the request, he’d presumed there had been an error. He’d check everything over several times, but maybe he’d missed something, or someone had entered it incorrectly into the system. If that was the case, though, why hadn’t Bobby Captain Nash told him?
“It was denied.”
“Something else I am aware of.”
Buck looked at him. Was this Bobby’s way of punishing him again? He had figured that it would be best for everyone if he left the 118. They wouldn’t need to deal with him every shift anymore. He stood staring at Bobby, not knowing what to say. It seemed every time he tried to fix things, it failed or made things worse. He was running out of ideas or options. Transferring to another station had at least meant he could continue firefighting. He’d hoped to be able to keep his passion, if not his family.
Bobby finally glanced up to look at him. “Was that all?”
“Yes. Well... no.” He paused. Bobby looked at him expectantly. “It’s just... I was hoping you could help fix that. I’d be willing to transfer to another station permanently. Or... or become a floater for a little while.”
“No.” Bobby went back to completing his paperwork, which meant he didn’t see when, instead of being outraged, as expected, Buck’s face just fell. He wasn’t mad, just disappointed. This was what he meant. Yet another failed attempt at fixing things. At trying to make things better for everyone. That only left him. He was the problem. Leaving would’ve fixed that. Should’ve fixed that. But it still wasn’t good enough. He wasn’t good enough.
“No?”
“No, Buck. No, I’m not fixing it. There’s nothing to fix. You submitted a transfer request, and I denied it. I’m sure the Chief will agree with me that it’s not a good idea for you to transfer or become a floater. You’re more than welcome to go ask if you don’t believe me, though.”
Buck winced at Bobby's annoyed tone. He deserved it, though. Deserved the digs, the lack of patience. He had doubted Bobby before, so severely that he sued him. And now, here Buck was, taking up Bobby’s time when he clearly had better things to be doing. “O... okay. I’m sorry. I thought... well, never mind. I’ll leave you to it.” Buck quickly turned around and left the office.
Clearly, there was no fixing this. No hope. Bobby was the closest thing to a father that cared that Buck had ever had. That was gone now. Ruined. He had ruined it, just like he had ruined everything else in his life. Buck 2.0. Who had he been kidding? Under it all, he was still Evan. Still the little kid who could only get attention when he hurt himself. Isn’t that what his parents had taught him? That loving him was always conditional, and he would always do something wrong. Loving him wasn’t easy, and here he was, proving why, yet again.
Bobby sighed once the door closed behind Buck. He looked over the paperwork once more. He knew it wasn’t a great situation at work. Things were awkward and uncomfortable. The team didn’t trust Buck as much, which was exacerbating the issue with partnerships. If no one trusted him, no one wanted to work with him. Bobby also knew that this wouldn’t be much different at another station. Buck was now the firefighter who had sued the LAFD. None of his previous accolades mattered right now. As soon as he walked through the door of a fire station, he would be met with hostility and distrust. This left Bobby at a crossroads, unsure what to do. No matter what had happened throughout the lawsuit, his desire to not see Buck hurt hadn’t changed. It wasn’t lost on him that this was what had led to the current predicament.
He was glad that it hadn’t been a long conversation. He had expected more of a fight from Buck. The boy, well, man, had grown a lot since stealing ladder trucks to hook up with women in his first year on the job. He’d calmed down a lot, too. Bobby wasn’t surprised that he’d washed out of BUD/S with the way he used to respond to leadership. And though Bobby felt like he’d made significant progress in that regard through their relationship, the ladder truck incident had all but reversed that. The ladder truck incident, which was meant for him, not Buck. Bobby wondered if Buck knew just how guilty he felt over it. They’d never properly talked about it. It still ate at him. How his entire crew had been caught in the crossfire of his problem.
So, yes, Bobby had expected Buck to fight him on the decision, like everything else they had fought over regarding Buck’s career. He’d almost been tempted to blame it on those above him again, just to get out of the fight. Almost. But nothing was stopping Buck from trying to push his luck with the Chief. And somewhere, in the back of his mind, Bobby knew there was no way of them trusting each other again if they kept going behind each other’s backs or not giving the whole truth. Maybe there was a part of him, deep down, that still hoped there was a chance of fixing things to some degree.
Maddie:
Are you coming tonight?
It feels like I haven’t seen you in forever
Buck knew he could only ignore Maddie for so long. She was one of the few people who still made an effort with him, but it was becoming increasingly difficult to talk to her. Even if he had the energy to be social with her, he didn’t think he could keep up pretenses for long. It was only a matter of time before she figured out something was up, but he wanted to figure out his plans first. And the more he interacted with her, the sooner she’d sus him out. She wasn’t supposed to need to worry about him anymore. Maddie had been through enough. The last thing Buck wanted was for her to feel like she needed to take care of or worry about him again. He was adamant he wouldn’t become a burden to her.
He also wasn’t ready to lose her like he had everyone else. For now, she was at least talking to him. He’d already lost everyone at the 118. What if he spoke to her about the situation, and she sided with them? She had wanted him to take more time before returning to work or take the time to look at other career options. The risks he was taking were becoming too much for her to handle. He was the cause of so much of her stress and worry. Always had been since he was little, and she was the one taking care of his injuries when that was the only way to get his parents' attention.
Ever since she first walked back into his life, it had been so easy for her to slip back into the overprotective big sister role. While he wasn’t being reckless anymore, his career naturally pushed their relationship in the same direction it had been when they were kids.
To start with, Buck had suspected she was making up for the years of her absence, and he’d spent a long time wondering how long it would last. He’d always known there was the risk that she would realize the same thing their parents had — Buck was more trouble than he was worth. He was too much effort. So, who would blame her if she left him? It wouldn’t be the first time she walked out of his life.
He was playing a waiting game, going into every interaction wondering when the other shoe would drop.
Buck:
No I'm busy tonight and cant make it
I’ll see you some other time
Bobby and Athena were hosting dinner at their house. Athena had texted him about it. Apparently, Bobby had told her that he wasn’t sure if Buck was going to make it. When Buck told Athena the same thing he’d just told Maddie, he left out the part that the reason Bobby didn’t know was that he’d never asked Buck. He’d overheard part of a conversation about it when he was walking past the kitchen at the firehouse. His coworkers usually waited until he wasn’t around to have non-work-related conversations. Though in their defense, it wasn’t like he was ever around for “family” meals, and no one brought it up, content with letting him keep to himself.
Buck wasn’t sure whether getting a forced invitation and declining it so his presence wouldn’t ruin the evening would feel worse than not getting invited at all and still having to come up with excuses. As much as he missed the family dinners, if he showed up, invited or not, he’d end up regretting it. It would just remind him of everything he’d given up when he agreed to the lawsuit. He also didn’t want to put anyone in an awkward position. Most of them didn’t want him there anyway. He was trying not to cause scenes or be the center of all the drama.
Maddie:
Busy with what?
Or is it a who? 👀
Her words stung. She didn’t mean anything by it. Logically, Buck knew she didn’t mean anything by it. They joked about this all the time together. If this had been before, it would have rolled right off him, but this wasn’t before, and it didn’t read like a nosy big sister anymore. No, it felt like a dig, a reminder that for the longest time, all he’d been good for was a fleeting friendship or relationship. It didn’t seem to matter how many years passed or how much he showed his growth day after day.
Buck:
theres no who
I just have some things to do
Ill talk to you later
It was a poor excuse, and he knew it, but he didn’t know what else to do. It wasn’t as if he could claim he was out with friends, because what friends? He hadn’t formed any friendships in LA outside of the 118, and during his travels, he had never stayed in one place for long enough. He hadn’t spoken to most of the people he’d stayed with when he first moved there in years. He had left that part of his life behind.
Now would be the perfect time to try, but he didn’t want to. He didn’t have the energy for it. He missed the crew too much. There wasn’t any point to it anyway. It would only be a matter of time before he screwed it up. The list of people who’d left him was piling up. It was his own fault, really, for getting his hopes up in the first place. For thinking this time was different. For getting comfortable in that feeling of safety. For believing he could have a home. Somewhere. Anywhere.
Maddie:
okay...
Im working thursday if you want to come by for lunch
If i dont see and hear from you soon ill show up at your door
Buck saw the notifications, put his phone on Do Not Disturb, and locked it. He didn’t want to leave his apartment, much less go to dispatch, but it didn’t look like he would have much choice.
Maddie was starting to get worried. She tried not to worry about Evan too much anymore. He had long since shown he knew how to handle himself. And he didn’t seem anywhere near as reckless at work or outside of it. There were no signs of him sleeping around again, and it wasn’t like anyone else seemed worried about him. Chimney wasn’t coming home from work with crazy stories of stupid stunts Buck had pulled.
Buck was allowed a life outside them. He’d survived on his own for all those years, and he’d be okay now, even if he didn’t have to be alone. He wasn’t on his own; he had her, Athena, and everyone else. They were upset, sure, she understood that, but they were still in his corner. They were family, after all, and even good families weren’t perfect. This rift was a temporary hurdle; she’d make sure of that.
Maybe he’d learned his lesson from everything that had happened over the last few months to a year. Maddie hoped that he no longer saw himself as expendable, as the one on the team whose life mattered the least. Their parents had a lot to answer for. It wasn’t like she had helped either. Buck understood now that he knew about Doug that she couldn’t have brought him along for his own safety. It was a relief not to feel like she had to keep looking over her shoulder anymore.
But she couldn’t help but feel like she was missing something. There were too many rain-checks. Evan never attended a group or family gathering. The only time she saw him was when she could convince him to meet her for coffee on his off days. He always had an excuse for why she couldn’t come over to his place. She still felt the distance he’d put between them during his healing and the lawsuit. Distance she thought would improve with time now that he was back at work. Why couldn’t he see that no one had been out to get him? They’d all done everything out of love, even Bobby?
“Hey Maddie, will you be ready to leave soon?” Chimney asked as she walked into the room.
“Yes,” She gave one last look at the messages before putting her things in her bag. “I’m probably reading into things, but does Buck seem okay to you?”
Chimney shrugged. “He’s not throwing as many random facts our way, but yeah.” He paused. “Why?”
“Well, I texted him about tonight, and he just said he was busy and ended the conversation pretty quickly.”
Chimney chuckled. “Is that it? That’s not the most worrying sign for Buck. There are worse things he could be doing. For all you know, he’s making up for lost time now that he’s back to full health.”
“I know that, but he hasn’t been showing up to anything, and I feel like he’s avoiding me.” She knew it wasn’t enough to start sounding alarms, but he was her younger brother, and she knew him.
“It’s probably not you. He messed up with the lawsuit. Things are still a little awkward with him after everything he put all of us through, put Bobby through. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s a little embarrassed over the stunt he pulled. I know I would be.” He muttered the last bit under his breath.
Maddie crossed her arms as she frowned. “It wasn’t a stunt, and you know it. As much as I was mad at him and worried about him returning to work after the injury because, you know, a ladder truck crushed his leg, he was desperate. He feels like firefighting is his purpose in life. And when he’s desperate, he does stupid things. It’s what he used to do when he was a kid. Being reckless, getting hurt. I was always patching him up.”
“But he’s not a child anymore, Maddie. He’s an adult, and his actions have consequences. It wasn’t just a lawsuit to get his job back; he brought everyone’s personal lives into it. As if it hasn’t been hard enough for everyone. His actions may have been desperate, but they were selfish.”
“I know that, Howie. He didn’t do any of it to hurt anyone. He was trying to prove a point, considering what you’ve all been through. That stupid lawyer took advantage of him. I know his actions hurt, but he’s my little brother, and something doesn’t feel right.”
“Look, I don’t think you have anything to worry about. Let him lick his wounds or sulk or whatever, he’ll be fine eventually.” Maddie didn’t respond. After a moment, Chimney added, “But… if you really are that concerned, there’s nothing stopping you from going to him.”
She sighed once she realized she wouldn’t get anywhere with him. She’d see Athena tonight. Athena treated Evan like her son. If anyone would listen to Maddie, it was her.
Buck tried not to. He tried so hard. But resisting the urge to check his phone that night was easier said than done. Not a single text wondering where he was or what he was up to. Not a single text saying they missed him, that it wasn’t the same without him.
At work, his life wasn’t his; he was watching someone else’s life play out before him. No longer an active participant, just a passerby letting things happen to him. He felt like he was functioning on autopilot. Just doing whatever he needed to in order to get through the day. But at home, when he was on his own, just him and his thoughts, that was when everything hit him. Thinking through every interaction, what he’d done wrong, what he should or shouldn’t have said. Once upon a time, he would’ve coped by picking up all the extra shifts he could. Sure, it might have run him into the ground physically, but he would’ve just needed to manage until the situation was over.
There was no over this time. There was no tomorrow where he would wake up, and everything would be okay again. And it wasn’t like work was an acceptable escape anymore. The firehouse didn’t feel safe. Every morning that he woke up needing to get ready for work, the dread sank in deeper. It was another day that his body felt heavier.
His fridge was nearly empty. The laundry was piling up. What was the point of keeping on top of the chores? The loft didn’t need to be presentable for anyone.
All at once, the emptiness of his apartment hit him. Loneliness was quickly becoming Buck’s best friend, and it was a cruel one. He needed to be anywhere but there. He grabbed his keys and headed to his Jeep. He had no idea where he was going, but he drove. As long as he kept going, as long as he kept moving, he could keep the demons at bay.