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It's strange the things that Eren's brain chooses to remember each time. It's been three lifetimes and Mikasa is still crystal clear to him.
She was his sister and comrade in arms, then his co-worker at a shitty part-time job at a bowling alley. In Eren's last lifetime they didn't cross paths until they were both well into their forties, but it still felt as though nothing had changed.
Every time Eren finds her, and every time they both remember.
"Guess it's fate, huh?" Eren had said. Mikasa merely smiled and flipped her crimson scarf over her shoulder.
They've come across some of the others too. Connie once lived in the apartment opposite Mikasa's with alarmingly grey hair (he must dye it, he must) and an alarmingly large boyfriend (Eren is still half convinced it was Reiner but neither he or Mikasa could fully recall what his face looked like).
Last time, Sasha had appeared on Mikasa's rival school's football team. They had been together for twenty-two years before Mikasa finally found Eren in the dairy section of a supermarket of all places.
Eren’s mother handed him a flower on the street once, trying to promote her family’s florist shop. A young girl then, she didn’t seem to recognise him at all.
“I’ll definitely check it out.” Eren had clutched the tulip like a lifeline and Carla’s young face broke out into a smile.
And Eren could swear he's seen Hanji on television hosting a wildlife documentary one or two lifetimes ago. Watching them cuddle a hippopotamus was almost as unsettling as the events of his first life.
His first life. When he met his best friend for the first and only time.
“Did you find him yet?”
It’s almost always the first thing out of Eren’s mouth when he finds his sister. And she always shakes her head with sad eyes before throwing her arms around him.
They never had a chance to become something more, he and Armin. Eren didn’t even realise that he wanted to until it was too late. Until they both died suddenly and brutally, hopeless and separated without even catching a glimpse of the ocean they promised to see together. Despite what the poetry and films say, war tends to suck the romance out of everything.
Next time. Eren keeps convincing himself, praying this this lifetime isn’t his last.
-
“I’m just saying – the Falchion is way too OP!”
“That’s the whole freaking point of it! It’s meant to be the strongest weapon in the game –“
“Argh, you’re wrong but whatever.” Eren waves a hand in his friend’s face to shut him up. Years ago he would’ve pushed the point, but after four lifetimes you tend to mellow out a bit and not sweat the small stuff.
Of course of all the people he had to run into to test his temper – it just had to be Jean.
His name isn’t Jean this time though, and Eren has to fight the natural instinct to call him that aloud. Because somehow, the taller boy seems to remember nothing of their history (or their future? Their other selves in an alternative timeline? Eren isn’t sure and honestly doesn’t care anymore either. He’s long since given up trying to figure that one out). No matter though, because Eren can’t deny that he is still overwhelmingly relieved and glad to see him again. For the most part.
“Oh – oh my god, wait. Stop.”
Eren immediately halts on the spot and looks around wildly for the reason behind Jean’s panicked outburst.
“It’s –” Jean stops short, covering his mouth in embarrassment. “The steps to the library.”
“Huh?” Eren peers around Jean’s frozen body towards the university library’s entrance.
A small figure sits on the lowest step, huddling over what looks like a heavily bound book. Something about the sight almost looks –
“He’s the one I told you about.” Jean mumbles even though they are well out of earshot of the steps. “The nerdy one from my Industrial Revolution study group.”
Oh yeah, Eren vaguely remembers Jean gushing about someone like that.
“You mean the bookworm -?”
The boy on the steps finally looks up and Eren feels as though he’s been sucked-punched.
It’s him. It’s finally him. Countless years have passed, and he looks different with shorter styled hair and in cropped jeans but Eren would recognise those wide inquisitive eyes anywhere.
And he could almost laugh because of course he would find Armin at a library.
He wants to call out to him. He wants to go to him and say his name and see recognition flash across the face he’s missed and still adores so so much. But before he can do that he needs to remember how to breathe.
“Alright. Jesus Christ, alright.” Eren exhales and rolls his shoulders back, ignoring the fact that he’s pretty sure he can hear his own heartbeat.
“Yeah he’s cute, right? I really like him.”
Eren faintly registers Jean’s comment as he watches his best friend from another lifetime stand, tuck his book into a bag already bursting at the seams, and retreat into the library building.
“Eren? You have a really weird look on your face right now.”
“I do?” Eren breathes and Jean waves an impatient hand over his eyes.
“Yeah, it’s the same way you look at a hamburger. Hey, wait, are you…?”
Jean’s eyes narrow and Eren snaps back to reality at the suspicion in his voice. Oh right. Jean likes him too this time around. Well.
Usually Eren thinks of himself as a generally selfless person. He’s made a lot of sacrifices throughout the many years he’s lived on this earth, and the only thing he’s asked for has never been granted to him. Except for now.
Even if Armin doesn’t remember him, Eren won’t care. Even if Armin doesn’t feel the same fierce unconditional love that Eren does, he’ll be okay. If he can have just a little piece of his best friend in his life then Eren might die happy at the end of his life for once.
So who is he kidding, he’s definitely not selfless enough to give this chance up for the sake of his friend’s feelings. Screw Jean or Greg or whatever his name is this time around. They were never that close anyway.
Eren claps a hand on his shoulder and looks him sincerely in the eyes.
“Sorry, buddy.” He says and starts sprinting towards the library.
“What the – Eren, you prick. You’ve never hit on anyone in your life!” Jean shouts, enraged behind him.
He could call over his shoulder to reassure him that it’s not necessarily like that. But he can’t waste his energy on trivial things like Jean’s feelings when he’ll need all his focus for what’s about to happen.
Eren crashes noisily through the library doors and is immediately shushed by one of the receptionists. Too distracted to feel sheepish, he quickly apologises and asks if they’ve seen the person fitting Armin’s description.
“He went towards the personal study area.” They answer reluctantly. “The room which requires absolute silence.”
Eren dismisses that as a minor detail and hurries in the direction they nodded towards. This time he enters the room with more care, eyes searching for the familiar blond head probably bent over another book.
It’s still close to the beginning of the semester, so the study rooms are generally uninhabited and quiet. It takes Eren only moments to spot Armin and start taking unsteady steps towards him.
His head is bent over several books in fact, splayed across the table in front of him. His bright blue eyes, seeming bigger behind slender frames, flicker between the pages before his hand quickly jots down details in a notebook. He’s clearly deep in thought, and Eren wonders if he can get away with just watching him for a while to drink in the details of his face.
Armin’s small upturned nose is the same, as are his thick brows and silently moving lips. The glasses are new, which makes Eren wonder if Armin had always needed them or they’re a result of modern screens and unlimited reading. He finds that he likes them anyway.
Oh shit, he’s reached Armin’s table now. He stands unmoving for a few moments but the other boy seems oblivious, lost to the words on the pages. So Eren takes a shaky breath and sits in the seat opposite. It seems like an hour passes before Armin finally glances up.
Eren should have been prepared for the blank look on Armin’s face. He’s always known that there is no guarantee that his friend will remember him, but the complete lack of recognition in those incredible eyes still causes a sharp pain in Eren’s chest.
“Hi.” He finally manages to whisper. “I’m Eren.”
Armin still doesn’t react besides tilting his head questioningly. It’s such a familiar gesture that a smile springs to Eren’s face despite his aching heart.
“You?” He asks.
“Studying.” Armin answers quietly and returns to his books, seemingly having lost interest already.
“Sorry.” Eren says and starts pulling study materials from his own backpack. “I’ll wait until you’re done.”
Armin glances up again with a frown and watches Eren flip through a work booklet. He seems to resign himself to Eren’s presence and continues studying without another word.
Despite the convincing display, Eren has no intention of doing any work today. He can’t even pretend to himself that he’s sorry for interrupting Armin’s studying, because he’ll be damned if he lets his best friend out of his sight ever again.
Instead he scribbles aimlessly on his work booklet, looking at Armin approximately every 2.3 seconds. He’s restless, and it isn’t long before he rips a piece of paper from the booklet and writes a note. He folds it neatly before flicking it across the table.
It lands on one of Armin’s books, and his writing hand pauses for a moment. For a moment Eren thinks he might just ignore it but Armin sets down his pen and unfolds the note without looking at him.
Eren’s giddiness almost explodes out of him when Armin jots down a reply and flicks it back before immediately burying his nose in another book. Eren doesn’t hesitate to snatch up the note and read it. On one side is his own ‘what are you studying?’ and Armin’s reply simply reads ‘Shh.’
He grins despite Armin’s blunt response and starts to tear more paper.
I like your glasses.
We should go get ice cream after this.
I hear the Industrial Revolution is pretty interesting.
Do you believe in reincarnation?
I see that you like books. I too think they are quite radical.
We should go see the ocean together sometime.
Ice cream ice cream ice cream!
Do you think pigeons have feelings?
Eren knows he’s won when Armin’s hand slaps over his face to muffle a snort. It takes Armin another moment to compose himself before he finally looks over at Eren, somehow managing to look equally parts amused and annoyed.
“I’m still studying, you know.”
“Don’t pretend that you’re not just doing it for fun.” Eren says and smirks at the surprise on the other boy’s face.
“How would you… I am not just doing this for fun.” Armin says, his face going pink. God, Eren’s missed that embarrassed glow so much.
“Really? You seem the type. Anyway, you didn’t answer my questions.”
“They’re not worth answering.”
“So that’s a firm no on both reincarnation and pigeon feelings?”
“You’re insufferable. Are you even a student here?”
“Um, no.” Eren admits. “My friend is though. I’m here with him.”
Armin raises a brow. “Where is he then?”
“Somewhere.” Eren shrugs, indifferent. He’s not here anyway which is the important thing. “Where do we stand on that ice cream?”
“I don’t like ice cream.”
“Hot chocolate?”
“It’s July.”
“I don’t like coffee though.” Eren sighs. They didn’t have these things to disagree on back when they were fighting titans. This was definitely still preferable though.
“Do you like smoothies?”
“Huh?”
“Well…” Armin’s face flushes as he looks down at his notes again. “If it will shut you up for five minutes, we could… get smoothies instead.”
And Eren’s grinning harder than he ever has before. He wonders if it’s obvious that he’s absolutely beside himself with joy and wants nothing more than to jump up onto the table and yell.
“I like smoothies.”
“Well then… problem solved.” Armin says quietly and starts to close his books. Eren scrambles to put his own things away and tries to resist bouncing up and down as he waits for Armin to finish clearing the table.
He can’t wait to tell Mikasa. Even if Armin never remembers, the three of them will be together again. They can be happy and safe. And Eren can finally spend a lifetime loving Armin the way he should have before.
Assuming that the getting-of-smoothies (a date?) goes well. But by the small smile on Armin’s face and the excitement in his eyes, Eren doesn’t think he’ll have anything to worry about.
“Oh… I’m Armin by the way.” He says a little shyly, hoisting his heavy bag over his shoulder. “I just realised I never told you.”
Eren stares for a moment then laughs a little, surprised at his own relief.
“Armin.” He says, loving the little burst of happiness he feels at the sound. It’s been a while since he’s said it aloud. “I like it.”
-
Eren makes sure to warn Mikasa beforehand before “introducing” them.
Armin doesn’t remember anything. Try and resist hugging the life out of him when you see him.
He can tell that she’s struggling the moment the she lays eyes on their recovered friend.
“Hello.” Armin says, all polite and shy, and the relief and love on Mikasa’s face is almost overwhelming.
Her hands twitch at her sides as she says hello back, clearly itching to throw her arms around him. Eren understands the strain – it’s been a week since they “met” and he hasn’t even hugged Armin yet either. He’s not afraid to, he’s just… waiting for the appropriate moment.
“And you know this guy already.” Eren smacks a hand against Jean’s back with a grin. He hasn’t forgotten his friend’s crush on Armin and maybe he should feel like a bit of a dick for rubbing it in, but it’s honestly kind of funny. Maybe so many years without Armin by his side has turned him into a bit of a sadist.
“Um, yeah.” Armin smiles uncertainly. With Mikasa looking as if she might burst into tears and Jean looking as if he wants to punch Eren’s in the face, it probably makes for an uncomfortable situation for him. Eren’s still too ecstatic to care though.
The way Jean’s squashing his foot is bringing him down a little bit though.
“Mikasa, why don’t you go with Armin and order the food?” Eren hands over some money and pretends not to see the alarm on Armin’s face. “Jean and I will grab a table.”
They separate (Armin seemingly reluctant to be alone with the overemotional Mikasa), and Eren braces himself for what’s coming.
“I can’t freaking believe you.” Jean mutters darkly as soon as they’re out of earshot.
“What do you mean?” Eren replies easily, plonking himself down at the nearest empty table.
“Don’t be an asshole. You know perfectly well what I freaking mean.”
“Nah, you’re gonna have to explain it to me.”
Jean drops into the seat opposite Eren with a scowl on his face. He’s not just angry – there’s definitely some hurt under that ferocious scowl. Under any other circumstance Eren might feel bad for him. But there’s no room for pity in Eren’s heart right now; not when it’s been nearly bursting with joy for a week now.
And it’s not as if he can explain himself. What could he possibly say without sounding insane?
‘Sorry for stealing your crush away. You see, I fell in love with him three lifetimes ago and I’ve finally found him again so I’ll eat a cactus before I let you take him from me.’
Eren sighs, relenting under Jean’s hard glare.
“Love at first sight?” He shrugs, which only seems to infuriate Jean further.
“You’re a dick, Eren.”
“Only when it comes to love.”
“I actually could kill you.”
“Armin definitely wouldn’t go out with you then.”
Before Jean can retort back, or quite possibly actually kill him, a concerned looking Armin approaches the table.
“So, we ordered sharing dishes for the table but…” Armin sits next to Eren and lowers his voice. “Mikasa just kind of ran off to the bathroom. Is she okay?”
“Yeah, don’t worry about it. She’s just really excited to meet you.”
“Oh, is that it?” Armin says, unimpressed and somehow not convinced. “Shouldn’t you go and check that she’s alright?”
“Yeah, Eren.” Jean says mildly, leaning back in his chair.
Yeah, as if Eren’s going to leave this guy alone with Armin.
“Trust me, she’s fine.” He’ll talk to Mikasa privately later anyway. For now, she’ll just have to adjust to treating Armin like a stranger.
“But, isn’t she your…” Armin trails off, clearly not wanting to finish his sentence.
“Girlfriend?” Jean supplies unhelpfully, and Eren almost chokes on nothing.
“No, she’s – she’s not.” He’s going to beat the smug look off of Jean’s face later. “She’s my – uh, like a sister to me.”
“Oh, um. Okay.” Armin mumbles, seeming embarrassed but also pleased.
Still, Eren’s almost numb with disbelief. Armin thought he was introducing him to his girlfriend. Sure, he hasn’t technically made any ‘moves’ on Armin yet but he thought he had made his feelings pretty obvious. But apparently not. And now Jean knows that too. He looks way too amused for Eren’s liking.
Eren panics as Jean opens his mouth, probably to talk shit and distract Armin with some kind of boring university topic and exclude Eren from the conversation. His brain works wildly for a moment so he can cut Jean off before he begins.
“Hey you’re into that astrology stuff, right? Shit – astronomy I mean.” Eren corrects himself and flushes in embarrassment. It’s his fourth lifetime and he’s still putting his foot in it.
“Yes, definitely.” Armin brightens. “Astronomy, at least.”
“Cool, then let’s go to the planetarium this next week if you’re up for it.”
“O-Oh, uh – Yes, okay!” Armin nods, flustered but he appears happy.
Eren throws Jean a sly ‘and you’re not invited’ look. He’ll pay for it later by the set of Jean’s jaw, but he couldn’t give a damn right now. As far as he’s concerned, he's just secured his second date with Armin. And this time he’s going to make sure Armin knows it’s a date.
It’s now that Mikasa chooses to return to the table, looking relatively more composed than she had ten minutes before.
“Are you alright?” Armin asks concernedly. She smiles back gratefully and it’s the happiest Eren’s seen her in a long time.
“Yes. I’m just really excited to meet you.”
“O-Oh right, of course…” Armin says, his face twisting into confusion as Eren bursts out laughing.
-
He definitely knows this is a date right? I couldn’t have picked a more obviously romantic setting. Probably.
Damn it, Eren really isn’t used to this. It’s one thing to pretend that he’s not completely besotted with his childhood friend from another lifetime… Actually, there’s no topping that one.
But feeling nervous around his best friend is such an alien feeling. He’s never felt this much tension with Armin before – not even when they’d met originally in the Shiganshina District.
Eren wants to put his anxiety down to the fact that Armin absolutely doesn’t feel the same affection towards him as he once did. Not yet anyway. So he needs to hold himself back. But after decades and decades of zero Armin content in his life, Eren’s definitely feeling the strain. Especially when they’re lying in the dark under the stars.
And God, he wishes the presenter would shut up.
Eren lifts his head to glare at the planetarium staff member rambling away into his microphone. Normally he would be into learning all this astronomy stuff, but the booming voice is kind of ruining the mood a bit.
At least Armin’s enjoying it, Eren reasons as he turns his head to look at him. The seats are tilted back almost entirely horizontally so the audience can fully appreciate the fulldome digital projection of the galaxies, and Armin looks absolutely entranced at the display. Eren can almost glimpse the Canis Major constellation reflecting in his eyes.
“Pretty rad, huh?” Eren murmurs.
“Definitely.” Armin breathes.
“…almost twice the size of our solar system’s sun and is the brightest star in our night sky. We’ll take a breather for a few minutes and admire the constellations nearest to our earth.”
Eren heaves a sigh of relief, and pushes up the armrest between himself and Armin. He shuffles over and takes Armin’s hand despite the violent thumping of his heart against his ribcage.
For half a second he’s afraid that Armin pull away. Instead the other boy only squeezes his hand tighter then turns his head and curls his body towards him so that they’re nose to nose.
“Do you think we really are made of stardust?” He asks softly.
“Definitely sounds cool, but I don’t know about that.”
“Why not?”
“I’m not smart enough to explain why I’m not sure.”
“But you asked me about reincarnation when we met.” Armin whispers, unblinking.
“They’re not the same thing.” Eren whispers back. “Do you think pigeons are made of stardust?”
“Don’t make me laugh when I’m trying to get you to kiss me.”
“Sorry.” Eren gently rubs his nose against Armin’s in apology before finally, finally pressing his mouth to his.
Kissing Armin is everything and nothing like he has been imagining for the near two hundred years he lived without him. He could have predicted the softness of his lips, and even the clever, demanding hands sliding into his hair; but not the spark of heat at the base of his spine or the sudden rush of blood in his veins. Or the overwhelming need to have him closer.
Eren’s brain goes into Standby Mode when Armin lets out a tiny soft sound. He pulls Armin's lip between his teeth and lets his fingertips play with the hem of Armin’s t-shirt.
And he knows he should slow down and reign himself in before he kisses the life out of Armin but he can’t stop. If he can keep his lips moving against Armin’s, then he can almost forget the sudden irrational fear that none of this is actually real. That he’ll open his eyes and see his bedroom ceiling instead of Armin’s eyes gazing back at him.
Too soon Armin pulls away to breathe but Eren can’t release his tight grip on his hips.
“Wow, that was…” Armin pants softly, his face almost glowing red in the darkness. “Yep, definitely wow. Hey, are you okay?”
Eren realises he must have a strange pained look on his face and tries to compose himself. He can hear the planetarium presenter’s voice and wonders how long ago he started talking again. It helps to bring him back to himself and manage a shaky laugh.
“Yeah, I’m just… Still coming back down to earth. That was kind of amazing.”
“It was.” Armin murmurs, his hands slipping from Eren’s hair to press against his shoulders. “Maybe we should try it somewhere more private next time though.”
“Hah… Yeah, definitely.”
If it weren’t for the dreamy and dazed look on Armin’s face, Eren would think that his own desperate mix of lust and panic had ruined what should have been the perfect first kiss. Perfect for their current circumstances anyway. But as well as this date seems to be going, he can’t help but feel a little bummed out anyway.
Is there any chance of Armin regaining his memories? Eren knows he shouldn’t think about it; that he shouldn’t get his hopes up. He's already told himself that it doesn’t matter if Armin never remembers him. But pretending that he’s not already stupidly in love with the other boy is a lot harder than he thought it would be.
When Armin suggests they go back to the stars, Eren agrees and turns his head to face the fulldome’s sky. He still can’t really pay attention though. Not with Armin’s hand slipping back into his, and a million different contradicting thoughts racing through his mind.
-
He is Armin and he isn’t. Not like he was before. Humour comes more easily to him now, and he's more sure of himself without having become battle-hardened. But Eren has almost given up trying to count the differences and similarities between this physically older Armin and his Armin. Because he has to think of them as separate people, otherwise he might just crack and beg Armin to remember him.
He reminds himself that he still has Mikasa to talk to when things get bad. When he wakes up gasping and shaking from nightmares filled with screams and gore and his mother’s cries – still always his mother – he can fumble for his phone and call her. She will talk him down gently like she always does; the same way he always does for her when it’s the other way around.
Eren doesn’t need Armin to remember. Considering the consequences, he can convince himself that it’s actually be better this way. Almost nothing makes him feel more peaceful than watching Armin sleep soundly next to him, knowing that the worst dreams he’ll have in this lifetime won’t even compare to the lost memories of his life before.
This Armin’s parents didn’t die somewhere beyond a wall in the name of exploration. This Armin grew up happy and loved with his mother on speed dial and a mere bus ride away. He’s never had to stuff newspaper in his shoes to keep them from falling apart, or fight for his life on a battlefield before the age of sixteen. This Armin knows what ice cream is.
It’s definitely better this way.
-
“Have you slept with him yet?”
“Uh, we’ve napped together.”
“Christ, you stole him out from under my nose two months ago. And you still haven’t done anything?”
“Don’t really see how that’s any of your business.” Eren grumbles, ignoring Jean’s look of disbelief.
Then he ignores Jean’s ranting about how it’s his ‘goddamn right’ to know everything, considering the circumstances in which they met. Right or not, Eren’s really not interested in Jean’s two cents on his love life.
It is true that he has barely touched Armin since the planetarium. Chaste pecks on the cheek and lips, and cuddling that lapses into naps is about as much as Eren’s heart can handle at the moment.
It’s not that he doesn’t want Armin, because he sorely does. But how can he explain to him that the reason behind his reluctance to take things further is guilt?
Armin may be his boyfriend now, but Eren can’t let himself forget that his love for Armin stems from a different timeline for a different version of Armin that this one doesn’t remember. For the Armin without glasses that grew up an orphan and joined a war that they had no hope in winning. And Eren feels as though he’s betraying him.
When he voiced these concerns to Mikasa before, she had looked him dead in the eye and told him he was being ridiculous. Maybe so, but Eren just can’t shake the feeling that something terrible will happen when he crosses that line.
“You're not mistakenly loving somebody else, Eren. He is Armin. Our Armin. You know he is.”
In the end it’s Armin who persuades him. As always.
Eren grunts in surprise when he finds himself on his back with his boyfriend’s legs straddling his stomach. Hands slam down on either side of his head and he finds himself trapped on the bed underneath Armin’s stern look.
“Okay, I’m not usually this assertive but I’m reaching the end of my tether. Why haven’t you kissed me like you did at the planetarium? I know it’s not because you’re not interested because I’ve literally felt your interest against me when we sleep. So what’s the deal?”
Armin’s face is steadily growing redder but he’s clearly determined to see this through. He’s even removed his glasses so Eren can see his bright eyes unobscured by lenses.
“Uh.. I, uh…” Eren’s mouth opens and shuts uselessly. He honestly wasn’t expecting this. Pinned under that fierce blue-eyed stare he suddenly feels as though he’s fifteen years old in the training barracks again.
“I mean, maybe it’s partly my fault for not initiating anything either. I guess I thought you figured I was shy – which I am a little, but…” Armin drops his gaze for a moment, embarrassed, before snapping back up. “If you’re holding back because of that, you don’t need to. I’m not that fragile, okay?”
Eren can’t help but smile a little. This is feeling a little familiar too.
“I know that.” He says.
It’s me that’s fragile, he thinks to himself and reaches a shaky hand up to thread through Armin’s soft hair.
Armin closes his eyes and leans into the contact. He looks relieved, though still nervous going by the deep shuddering breath he takes. So Eren takes the opportunity to marvel at how beautiful his best friend is, and determines to make him thoroughly aware of that soon.
“So, um…” Eren watches the movement of Armin’s throat as he swallows. The flush on his face deepens when Eren’s fingertips brush the rim of his ear. “Can we…?”
And now Eren can’t think of a single reason why they shouldn’t. In fact, he feels stupid for having held back in the first place. Especially if Armin wants him, because Eren could not and would never deny him anything.
“Yeah. Yeah, we can.” He breathes, propping himself up on his elbows before angling his mouth against Armin’s.
-
“Well, we definitely would’ve been thrown out of the planetarium for that.”
Eren laughs at Armin’s comment as he throws an arm around his shoulders to bring him closer. His heart rate hasn’t quite settled yet and the sweat cooling on his skin is kind of gross, but he’s feeling warm and relaxed all over. He hums contentedly when Armin wraps an arm across his waist in turn.
“Eren?”
“Mm?”
“Um, about what you said…”
Eren groans inwardly and throws his free arm across his face in embarrassment. In the midst of desperate kisses and more burning skin-on-skin contact than he’s experienced in his lives, he might’ve let slip an admission of deep feelings. Much deeper than a few weeks of dating would warrant.
He couldn’t help it. His head was going fuzzy again, and with Armin looking like that and moving like that beneath him then he could hardly be expected to keep his mouth shut. Honestly Eren was kind of hoping he had “distracted” Armin enough to make him forget about it.
“Eren.” Armin’s arm tightens around him, as though to stop him from escaping.
Eren sighs and turns his head to meet Armin’s unwavering gaze.
“I meant it.” He says. “I love you.”
Armin stares at him for a moment before swallowing and nodding rapidly. “Okay.”
“You don’t - Agh, uh.” Eren clears his throat quickly. “Don’t feel obligated to say anything. I mean, it’s only been a few weeks – “
For you, at least.
“No, it’s – That’s the thing though.” Armin’s hand slides up from Eren’s side to cup his face, forcing him to meet his eyes once more. They’re wide and blue and full of wonder. “I love you back. I love you too. I just love you, and it’s so strange because it feels as though I’ve loved you all my life. Is this just what being in love feels like?”
“M-maybe.” Eren stammers, completely flustered by Armin’s sudden revelation. He looks as though he’s just discovered something amazing by the way his eyes are shining. It’s countered a little by the way his bangs are sticking up in every other direction, but Eren doesn’t think he’s ever been more in love with Armin than he is now.
“It must be. Because I get annoyed with it sometimes.” Armin sighs and settles back into the curve of Eren’s arm. “It’s just… you. Constantly in my head like it’s your God given right to be there. Distracting me all the time. I have a lot of deadlines coming up, you know.”
“Sorry.” Eren smiles, not sorry at all. In fact, he thinks he might just shout out in celebration. Or pump his fist in the air. “Is there something in particular that’s distracting you?”
“Your dumb face mostly. Amidst other things.”
“Well if it helps, you’re a permanent resident in my head too.”
Armin burrows against Eren’s side, his face radiating heat against Eren’s skin. “It helps.”
-
The heat is almost unbearable. But it’s been worse so Eren bears it. The thick steam, the scorching heat, the smell –
He can’t bear it.
Was his mother screaming when she died? He doesn’t know, can’t remember. But she’s screaming now as she’s lifted into the air while Eren’s being carried further and further away from her. He hears every splatter of blood on the ground. It’s as if it’s raining. It’s on his clothes, his face. He feels it on his hands as he sinks the knife into the man’s throat.
The slick sound of it makes Eren shudder in revulsion so he rips the knife away and the man collapses. Eren whips around expecting to find his sister still crumpled on the floor but she’s gone. She’s nowhere.
He remembers that there were two men that took her and he tears across the shack to burst out the door onto a tiled rooftop. Mikasa isn’t here. But there is a smoking figure lying absolutely still and Eren doesn’t want to go near it because –
It’s Armin. It’s finally Armin, and he’s -
Eren can’t stop his feet from moving, and coming closer to him. To his friend, his best friend –
And he’s dead. His skin – his skin, it’s -
-
Eren wakes choking on a gasp. He throws the bed covers back and sits up, slapping a hand over his mouth as if it will stop the bile rising in his throat.
It takes a few paralysing moments of muffling panting into his palm before it fully registers in Eren’s mind that he’s awake. Nothing he dreamt is real anymore. Mikasa’s apartment is a ten-minute walk away and Armin is sleeping soundly beside him.
He turns his head to check because that image of Armin on the rooftop just won’t leave him, but he’s there. Safe and perfect, snoring lightly and hogging most of the covers as he does when he spends the night here.
When the relief doesn’t immediately set in and Eren’s heart rate spikes instead – because he can’t stop picturing – he scrambles out of the bed and on to his feet. He tries to move as quietly as he can but his head swims and his vision blurs so he stumbles almost drunkenly to the bathroom and throws open the window there.
Eren takes gulping breaths of the sharp night air, desperately trying to fill his lungs before he can even attempt to remember the breathing exercises Mikasa taught him.
He hasn’t had a night terror like that in a while. He’d let himself hope that Armin’s increasing presence at night would help soothe the part of his mind still wracked with guilt and horror. And to an extent it has, but Eren realises that he’s going to have to accept that these feelings are never going to go away entirely.
His throat swells at the unfairness of it all and he allows himself a few choked sobs. His clammy hands slip on the window sill as his entire body tremors with the effort to stay quiet. Armin needs his sleep after a long and anxiety-filled week of exam preparation, and Eren can’t bear to cause him any more stress.
But Eren hears a whisper of his name behind him and he hates himself for failing to even do this much for Armin.
“What’s wrong?”
Nothing, go back to bed. It’s what Eren wants to say but he knows if he speaks his voice will wobble and break. So he shakes his head mutely and keep staring out the window at the dark sky.
“Eren?” Armin calls his name again tentatively. He places a warm hand between Eren’s shoulder blades. The touch wracks a shudder through Eren’s body and the hand is withdrawn immediately. For a split-second he envies Armin’s blissful unawareness and feels a rush of spiteful anger toward him before he hates himself for it. It’s not Armin’s fault he doesn’t remember. He should be grateful that his best friend isn’t suffering the same suffocating feelings.
“Sorry, I’m… Just give me a minute.” Eren manages a hoarse whisper. To his relief Armin stays motionless and silent behind him, but still somehow radiates anxiety. Eren tries to ignores him and focuses on breathing. He pulls air in through his nose to his lungs, counts to three and releases it slowly through his mouth. He doesn’t think of anything but one, two, three. Exhales. Inhales. One, two, three. Exhales.
Eren doesn’t know how long he stands there, breathing until his muscles relax and the nausea dissipates. But Armin is still standing there when he turns around. There’s frantic worry in his wide eyes and Eren can imagine the hundred and one questions racing through his mind.
“What can I do?” Is the only one he asks.
Eren smiles weakly. He loves him so much. “Let’s just go to bed.”
Armin hesitates before nodding and they return to the bedroom. Eren sees the dark patch on his side of the bed and balks in disgust. It’s only sweat, but he flushes hot with shame anyway.
“I’m – “
“It’s okay.” Armin quietly cuts off his apology and moves to strip the sheet from the bed. “I’ll take care of it. Go get yourself some water, okay?”
Torn between guilt and relief, Eren opts to do as he says and retreats to the bathroom so he doesn’t have to watch Armin clean up his mess. He fills a glass with tap water and downs it before wiping himself down with a towel. He still feels grimy and desperately wants a shower but he doesn’t want to keep Armin awake any longer than he has to.
When he goes back to the bedroom Armin has replaced both the sheets and pillow cases, and peeled away the duvet on his side of the bed.
“Do you just want to sleep?” Armin asks, hovering uncertainly by the bedside. Eren just nods tiredly. Truthfully he doesn’t want to go back to sleep where he was before, even if he knows that he won’t have any more dreams tonight.
Armin climbs awkwardly into bed and shuffles to the middle. He doesn’t pull the cover over himself which Eren guesses to mean that Armin is offering his side of the bed. Sometimes it shocks him how well Armin can read him.
He wordlessly accepts the invitation and slots himself in beside Armin. The covers are immediately tugged up over both of them, and Eren passes out in minutes with his ear pressed against Armin’s steadily beating heart.
They talk about it the next day because of course they have to. Eren doesn’t give much away other than admitting he has bad dreams as well as suffering the occasional panic attack and that it isn’t really such a big deal. He could easily make up a story; a childhood trauma befitting the circumstances of this timeline. But he doesn’t want to lie to Armin directly, so he remains as vague and elusive as possible.
He can tell that Armin is frustrated with his seemingly blasé attitude toward it. And he’s both grateful and impressed by the way Armin quells his natural instincts and doesn’t push to know more. Instead he learns ways of keeping them both calm when Eren is inevitably triggered again.
Armin takes the lead in regular breathing exercises, reminding Eren to extend the exhale longer than the inhale. He won’t touch him though unless Eren asks. And he learns that when it’s over he absolutely either has to continuously talk or move in Eren’s eyeline, or make sure Eren has access to his heartbeat either by hand or ear.
And when Eren borrows Mikasa’s yoga DVD for the umpteenth time, Armin insists on joining in the routine to help even though Eren can tell how much he hates it.
“You know you don’t have to keep doing this with me.” Eren murmurs, eyes closed and feeling a pleasant burn in his hips as he stretches down into the standing forward bend pose. “It’s still early – go back to bed.”
“Nope, I love yoga.” Armin pants, red-faced as he strains to press his palms to the ground. “Besides… I’d never miss an opportunity to see you in those cute purple leggings.”
Eren smiles to himself. It is nice to do these things together. They should be like this every morning.
“I want to live together.” He says, turning his head to see his lover’s reaction.
Armin’s flush deepens as his entire body trembles with the effort of maintaining the pose.
“Me too. Can I move in here?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay. I love you. I’m going to collapse now.”
“That’s fine, babe.”
Armin slumps to the ground with a muffled groan. Eren breathes a laugh at the sound.
“I love you.” He reminds him. “Even if you suck at yoga.”
“The important thing is to be relaxed. It’s not a competition.”
“Definitely not one that you’re winning. Though you do look very relaxed lying on the floor like that.”
“Yes, well. I prefer other forms of stress relief.” Armin rolls over to stretch out like a cat across the mat and offer Eren a wicked grin. “Ever thought about taking up wrestling?”
“Move in with me and we can wrestle all you want.” Eren shifts into a different pose and feels Armin’s appreciative eye on him. Before now he never would have imagined his best friend being so clear and demanding of what he wants. He’s definitely not complaining though. Without the weight of humanity on their shoulders, they’re free to indulge in each other as much as they want. And Eren definitely wants.
“I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, as oblivious as you are sometimes, but most of my stuff is already here anyway. So…” Armin hums, stretching out an arm to beckon Eren with his finger.
Weak to such an invitation, Eren gives up the pose with a sigh and drops on all fours to hover over his best friend. Armin’s hair fans out across the mat, now much longer than when Eren found him months ago. Not that Eren had anything to do with that. Totally Armin’s decision to grow his hair out without any influence whatsoever.
“And just to give you fair warning, I think I’ve gotten quite good at wrestling.”
“Is that so?” Eren murmurs into Armin’s ear, delighting in the mutual shiver it causes.
As it turns out, Armin is quite adept at wrestling. But somehow Eren feels as if they’re both winning.
-
Months pass before Eren can bear to ask him. Officially moving in together was easy enough, and he feels as though he’s fully accepted the reality that Armin’s memories will never come back to him. He even dreams less, and he’s sleeping better than he has in years. He might just be the happiest he’s ever been.
Even now with Armin tucked against his chest and dozing after a long tedious day of running errands without time for much else, Eren feels more content with this domestic life than he thought was possible. But he has to know.
“Have you ever been to the ocean?” He finally asks, running his fingers through Armin’s hair as though it will give him the courage to hear the answer.
“Mm? Yes, a few times with my parents when I was a kid.” Armin replies sleepily, nuzzling further into the space between Eren’s neck and shoulder. He doesn’t question Eren any further, seemingly far too tired to indulge him in his late night queries.
Hearing it doesn’t sting as much as it would have a year ago. Eren couldn’t have expected Armin to keep a promise he doesn’t even remember. So he lets it go.
“You’ll have to take me sometime then. I’ve never been.” Eren mumbles, closing his eyes and willing sleep to take him.
“Okedoke.” Armin murmurs back, his breath tickling Eren’s neck. It’s not long before his deep breaths turn into light snores, and soon Eren dozes off too.
However, terror seizes him a few hours later when he’s being violently shaken awake. The first thing he registers is the sound of Armin’s choked sobs, and his stomach churns with fear.
“What happened? What did I do? Armin, I’m sorry –”
Was he dreaming again? Did he flail around in his sleep and hurt Armin? Eren doesn’t remember anything and Armin’s far too hysterical for Eren to even guess.
He flips the switch on the bedside lamp, igniting a dim glow across the bedroom and allowing him to see Armin tear-streaked face clearly. But the moment he does Armin throws himself at Eren and hugs him so tight it hurts.
“Armin - ?!”
“I-I’m sorry, I – I forgot you, how could I - I’m so sorry, Eren – “
Armin is barely coherent, hiccupping into Eren’s shoulder and gripping him tighter. Bewildered, Eren hugs him back on instinct.
“Armin, what - ?”
“I saw the ocean without you.” Armin wails and Eren understands.
“Oh.” He says.
He can’t really say anything else, not when his throat starts to close up and his own mixed emotions threaten to overwhelm him. Instead he rubs soothing circles on Armin’s back until he exhausts himself and his sobs become quiet whimpers.
Only when Armin becomes almost entirely still in his arms does Eren dare speak.
“What do you remember?”
It takes a few moments before Armin answers “Everything, I think”, his voice absolutely wrecked as he pulls away enough to raise his face to Eren’s.
Eren’s heart aches at the puffy redness of his eyes and reaches to the bedside table for a tissue to clean his face.
“The titans? And the war?”
“Yes.”
“Mikasa?”
“God. Yes.”
“Dying?”
He hates himself for asking. He hates himself even more when Armin’s eyes close and he whispers “It was so hot.”
Eren trembles at the memory of Armin on the rooftop but doesn’t let himself fall into it again. He can’t, not when Armin’s re-experiencing it himself.
However, Armin composes himself much faster than Eren would have and meets his eyes again. Efficient as always.
“I died then I woke up here. I grew up again and I met you. I didn’t remember anything until I fell asleep just now. But you remembered the whole time, didn’t you?”
“I did.”
“Those jokes about reincarnation… I thought they were pick-up lines.” Armin laughs weakly.
“Well, they kind of were.” Eren admits. “I’m surprised they worked.”
“I never could refuse you anything. Even when I didn’t know you.” Armin smiles genuinely this time, and Eren feels safe in taking his hands between his and kissing them. “Was it similar for you when you woke up here?”
“Sort of… The first time at least.”
Armin tilts his head, frow burrowing in confusion.
“This is my fourth time on the merry-go-round of life, Arm.” Eren smiles softly. It slips away quickly when he sees the devastating guilt in Armin’s eyes.
“Was I… there?”
Eren shakes his head. Armin closes his eyes in anguish and brings Eren’s hands to his mouth in silent apology. Eren wants to reassure him that it’s not his fault, that it’s okay, but what comes out instead is:
“Where were you?”
His voice wobbles, and Armin’s head whips up with tears welling in his eyes once more.
“I don’t know.” He whispers. “I remember feeling warm. Not like… when I died. Warm like I was in sunlight. I think there was dirt… and grass. I don’t know.”
“Huh… maybe you were reincarnated as a flower.” Eren snorts as he drags the back of his hand across his eyes. He’s only half-joking because he doubts anything would surprise him at this point.
“What the hell use is that if it left you here alone?” Armin wipes his eyes forcefully, his tone low and angry. “What determines whether we remember or not? If we’re together or apart?”
“You kind of learn to not to bother questioning it. It’s not like there’s anyone up there giving us any answers.”
“That’s bullshit!” Armin bursts out in frustration. “Why are we even here? We were dead. And the titans… there’s no history about them or the war. Nothing mentions it. No books, not the internet. It’s like it never happened.”
Eren shrugs. “Or it just hasn’t happened yet.”
“But that wouldn’t make any sense. We couldn’t go back in time and retain our memories of the future. Could we? Or are we in a different timeline altogether? If multiverse theory – “
“Hey, before you go reaching for the books, how about we not worry about it right now? Actually, let’s not worry about it ever.”
Armin, all riled up with burning curiosity and frustration, starts to deflate. His anger is replaced with a much softer expression when Eren cups his face in both hands.
“Look, we can wonder and guess all we want but it probably won’t change anything. This is how it is. And honestly, all I want to think about for the rest of this life is you and us and staying together this time. Isn’t that all that matters now?”
“When did you grow up?” Armin sighs, relaxing into the contact. Eren only smiles knowingly. At least he does until Armin sheepishly points out the snot on his t-shirt.
“Ah. Well, we’ve exchanged grosser fluids.”
“That’s – ” Armin flushes a brilliant red when Eren pulls his shirt off over his head. “That’s debatable.” He swallows and looks away.
“It’s a bit late to get shy now, isn’t it?”
“I’m just – It’s different now.” Armin insists and actually covers his mouth in embarrassment. “We were never like this before.”
“We should’ve been. Or we would’ve been when we were older. Believe me, I’ve thought about it only a million times.”
“I… did too.”
Eren grins, elated at Armin’s admission as he dives back under the duvet. He snuggles in beside him and sets to rediscovering every inch of his best friend’s skin.
“Oh my god - Jean.”
Eren freezes at Armin’s gasp. Because what.
“He’s our friend here too.”
“What’s your point?” Eren asks stiffly. Because still what.
“You knew he liked me.”
Oh. That’s what this was about. Eren heaves a sigh of both relief and impatience and squeezes Armin to him possessively.
"On a scale of one to ten, how much did he like me?"
"Ughhhh. Does it matter at this point?”
"Eren."
"...Seven, maybe."
"Wow."
"Come on, who cares? He got over it, didn't he? I've loved you for way longer anyway." Eren grumbles as Armin shifts and turns to face him.
“I’m still not sorry for it.” He adds and Armin smiles in response.
“Are you two going to be terrible to each other in every timeline you share?”
“Probably.”
“Hm. And clearly…” Armin kisses Eren so soft and quick that it barely registers. “We’re going to love each other in every timeline too.”
“I am very okay with that.” Eren says and brings Armin’s mouth back to his.