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Cas fully intended to spend his last evening on Earth drunk, high, and wallowing. What he wanted, he couldn't have, and he felt fairly certain that fucking anyone else would make him feel worse. He dug out an old absinthe spoon and stale sugar cube and set them over a glass after pouring a decent amount of the liquor into it. Bless Chuck for having highly illegal hobbies before shit went south.
Cas picked up the electric kettle in his room, figuring the water was probably still warm from the last tea he made, and let a steady stream of water melt the old sugar cube. Mesmerized as he was by the dissolving crystals, he didn't notice when the beads clacked together as someone came through and leaned against the door jamb. Cas had a painful longing for his wings all of a sudden and blinked tears out of his eyes. Damn it. The weed was supposed to prevent shit like that. The last of the sugar fell through the holes in the spoon, and Castiel knocked it off the cup so he could take a swig.
Fucking licorice. Shit was brutal. He coughed and turned, noticing Dean. The man in the doorway was his Dean, not the one from 2009. Funny how the younger one was so alluring. He was almost happy. Tortured by Hell, to be sure, but still believing there is justice in the world. It hurt to see who Dean used to be. Hell, the younger Dean was the one with whom Cas had fallen in love in the first place. The man for whom he gave up everything up but who couldn't face the idea of being together anymore. Cas had been very persuasive—he was pretty sure Dean didn't usually make that face with most of his sexual partners—but Dean just kept pushing him away. The bastard.
"Need something?"
"Oh, no. I uh…you're probably waiting for someone, aren't you?"
Cas looked up finally. "No, I'm wallowing."
"Wallowing in what?"
"Drugs. Oh, and my sweet, suicidal obsession with you."
"Yeah, about that, um—"
"Sorry, would it make you more comfortable if I went and slept with Ellie before we go?"
"Come on, man, I just wanted to talk. You've been with me longer than anyone. I just…I need you."
Castiel took a defiant swig of his absinthe.
"I'm not gonna stop you from dosing whatever you want."
Cas narrowed his eyes at Dean. "You don't even like me anymore."
"No, that's not—" Dean sighed miserably and looked down. "That's not true."
"You avoid me. You try not to look at me even when we're talking. I'm not stupid."
Dean kicked the door frame. "I failed you, Cas, okay? I should've been there for you, and I wasn't. And I keep seeing you and it's a reminder that I failed. And now I feel even stupider for not realizing that every time I pulled away was only driving you farther from me. I'm sorry." It was an unexpected confession, but Cas didn't entirely like it.
"I feel judged. I so don't need this tonight. You know what I am now. Get over it. If I wanted to see disappointment, I'd go see past you." He took another sip of absinthe and checked the slider on his bong to see if it was still going. It was.
"That's…that's really not what I meant." Dean watched as Castiel lit the bowl and inhaled. "I'm not in any position to judge, anyway. I'm usually drinking too." He sat down next to the former seraph. "Hell, even past me is an alcoholic. It's been that long."
"Drugs provide a certain comfort."
"Yeah. Except it's not gonna be enough tonight." He gingerly put a hand on Cas's forearm. "I am so fucking lonely, Cas. I can't make up for what I've done to you, but please let me stay with you right now, because it's all we'll ever have, and I need to be with someone I trust tonight."
"You fucker," Cas rasped, but there was little malice in it. "You know I won't say no."
"Honestly, I thought you might."
"I should, but I won't."
"I can go."
"Don't." He held Dean's gaze. "Are you here for sex or just to be with me?"
Dean looked away. "Well…I…was sort of hoping…."
Jesus Christ, Dean couldn't be straight about what he wanted, not even now, only hours before they went on a suicide mission to kill Lucifer. Cas rolled his eyes. Someone had to make a move. He stood up and carefully set the water pipe on the dresser before turning suddenly and shoving Dean against the wall. "Is this what you want?" he whispered in Dean's ear. "Someone you trust, or someone who's read your mind and knows just how you want it?"
"Both, you asshole," Dean managed as Cas began kissing his neck fiercely. His nails dug into the smaller man's back.
Cas pulled back and regarded him. "I don't appreciate you clawing at me. I don't remember giving you permission to do that. Did I?"
Oh, god, yes. "No," Dean mumbled, looking down.
Cas sighed heavily. "Take off your clothes." He leaned down to move his absinthe to somewhere safe. He would finish it before midnight, but right now he had a solid handle on things and didn't want to lose it. He closed the door. "Now."
Dean obeyed immediately, throwing his jacket and shirt on the floor before tearing off his tee and unbuckling his belt. Cas watched with neither approval nor disapproval as Dean pulled his boots off and struggled with his jeans. He drummed his fingers against the dresser until Dean stood naked, his clothes strewn across the floor. "Can you at least put them in a pile, Dean?" Cas asked condescendingly.
"Sorry." Dean risked a glance at Cas, who was staring at him with fond exasperation. He gathered his apparel and tried to make a neat pile without taking too long. Then he turned to Castiel for approval.
The angel nodded. "Good boy. Get on your knees." Dean dropped right away but remembered not to touch without consent. Cas smiled at him and slipped his fingers into Dean's hair, slowly tightening to pull his head back. "Do you think you can undress me without petting, my dear?"
Dean tried to nod, but Cas's grip hadn't loosened. "Yes, sir."
"We'll see." He gestured for Dean to proceed. Dean undid Cas's laces and pulled the shoes off his feet. Cas tried to maintain balance, because an undignified fall would probably kill the scene. Dean unbuttoned Cas's pants and forced himself to avoid unnecessary touching. God, but he wanted to get his hands on the pale, soft skin of his angel. His angel. Cas was so fucking beautiful, even stoned, graceless, and unhappy. Dean wanted him all. He blinked back tears. All those nights he'd spent alone, only for his life to come to the last night, and here was his angel, waiting as he'd always been. And Dean had loved him, still did, so much. "Dean."
Dean hadn't realized he'd slowed down so much. He muttered an apology and resumed his task. Firm hands caught his face and forced it up. "What are you thinking?" Cas asked. "Don't lie to me."
Dean bit his tongue and looked down.
"Tell me."
"No."
"Who is in charge here, Dean?" Cas bent down until his face was inches away. "I gave you an order."
"That's not fair."
"Then get out of my room." Cas noticed the watery eyes, but he didn't care. Dean was still in it until he used the safe word.
"I love you and it hurts," he gritted. "And I'm an idiot, okay? I hate that I wasted energy trying to burn out all my feelings when I couldn't even scorch how I feel about you. I hate everything I've become, and there's not a goddamn thing I can do about it." He'd never be admitting this, he knew, if he expected to survive more than a few more hours.
Cas's stern expression softened. "That's my world," he said gently, caressing Dean's cheek and wiping away a tear. "Ever since I found you in Hell." He kissed Dean tenderly and stood back up. "Continue."
Dean pulled Cas's jeans and boxers down and waited for him to step out of them. He remained on his knees, however, waiting for permission to rise and finish the job. He looked up, green eyes respectfully inquisitive.
"Hmm," Cas mused. "I like you on your knees." His face split into a devious grin. "You like it too, don't you? You'd like to lean forward right now and swallow my cock. You want it. I know you do."
Dean carefully avoided looking up or forward, but his fingers were digging into his knees.
"But you can't. Or you won't, because if you do, I'll be very disappointed. And there's something you want more." He laughed. "If you're very good, I'll give it you."
Dean's breathing quickened noticeably. Cas was having trouble keeping in character. Those beautiful green eyes that had ruined his life all those years ago gazed back at him pleadingly, and he wanted nothing more than to wrap himself around the man and share a passionate kiss. But Dean wanted and needed this. He needed to be ordered around and feel protected in the few hours left before he ordered his people to attack Cas's big brother. They probably would go to their deaths while Dean ran straight toward Lucifer. So Cas was willing to indulge him. Deep down, Dean still wanted Castiel to be the powerful seraph who bailed his ass out of Hell. This was probably the closest Cas could get anymore. Once again, he was giving up what he otherwise would have wanted for Dean fucking Winchester.
On the upside, Dean had the most amazing expressions when Cas was inside him.
"Stand up and finish the task I gave you." He knew his voice sounded tired. No, he wasn't going to falter again. It was the last goddamn time, and he was going to give it his all. "Right now." Castiel made sure to growl like he would have five years ago, knowing it would excite his lover.
Dean hastened to comply. He grabbed the bottom of Cas's shirt and lifted it off him. "Can I?" he whispered hopefully, reaching out to touch his master's arm. Castiel shook his head and moved back.
"You seem to have trouble behaving, Dean."
Dean shivered.
"In fact, let's see. You clawed at me. You called me an asshole. You threw your clothes all about my room. You took a long time in taking off my clothes, and then I had to repeat the next order several times before you obeyed me. Last, you tried to touch me before I gave you permission. What do you have to say for yourself?" Cas was somewhat surprised at how well he was still able to sound like his old self.
"I'm…sorry. I tried," Dean mumbled, looking down.
"Dean, I want to make you happy. You know that, right?"
Dean nodded.
Castiel sighed sadly. "But I can't reinforce bad behavior. And I'm not sure I can trust you not to misbehave again."
"I won't."
"I want to believe you, Dean, but…." He shook his head. "I'm afraid I'll have to take measures to prevent this kind of behavior."
Dean's eyes widened slightly.
"Get on the bed. Lie on your back. And relax."
Dean stumbled toward the bed—Cas initially thought he was drunk, but Dean was probably just high on sex—and collapsed on it, rolling over to expose his front to Castiel. The former angel was digging in a box he'd pulled from under his bed. Dean watched him pull out a bottle of lube and two heavy strips of cloth. He set the lube on the table and approached Dean with the bindings.
Dean swallowed as he raised his hands and hung them over the edge of the bed. Cas tenderly tied Dean's wrists to the frame. Feeling rather pleased by the view of Dean's lovely body laid out for him, he sat down next to his partner and smiled. "Do you know what you do to me, Dean?" he breathed, and Dean couldn't help grinning. "Conceited minx," Castiel scolded. He would have his passionate kiss now, he decided, and he leaned in to capture Dean's lovely, soft lips. The man responded well, pushing the bounds of submissive to satisfy his master. Cas only just stopped himself from moaning. It would not do for Dean to know how desperate Cas was to have his hands all over his lover's body. The angel pulled away, feeling remarkably clear-headed and slightly euphoric. Yep, absinthe was a good choice.
He ran his hands down Dean's body from neck to crotch, deliberately avoiding his erection. The skin was rough and firm and caught on Cas's somehow still soft fingertips. Dean tried to remain still but was a fairly fidgety and rebellious sub. Cas shook his finger at Dean when he thrust just slightly toward the angel. "Naughty, Dean. You don't get to dictate anything." Cas grabbed the lube from the dresser, enjoying the texture as he squirted some on his finger, which he began to rub carefully on Dean's entrance. Cas noted with pleasure the green eyes rolling back in Dean's head and the gorgeous lips parted in a silent "oh". Castiel could feel Dean relaxing, so he slowly pushed his finger inside him. When Dean had adjusted, the angel bent his finger to open him more, eliciting a whimper from his captive.
Dean wasn't new to being penetrated, but Castiel took his time in preparing him. As he slipped a second finger inside Dean, he whispered, "Relax." He bent in and breathed, "That's an order." Dean shivered and obeyed quickly. Cas ignored his blurring vision—damn thujone—and slipped a third and fourth finger inside.
"You want me?" Cas whispered in his ear. "Tell me you want my cock fucking your ass."
"Yes!" Dean moaned. "Yes—unh, Cas—"
"Say it."
Dean managed to regain control for a moment. "I want you, Cas," he gasped. "I want your cock inside me. Fuck me. Please. Fuck me now, I'm begging you."
"Maybe I won't," Cas pondered, although he was well aware that Dean wasn't fooled. He could see Cas's erection and flushed cheeks. "Then again," he added as Dean pulled a miserable face, "you are very beautiful like this. It would be a shame to let everything go to waste." One-handed, he poured some lube on his penis and slicked it up. Dean bent his knees and spread his legs farther apart to give Castiel room to position himself. Cas slipped his fingers out of Dean and placed his cock at Dean's anus. "Ready?" he whispered.
Dean nodded desperately.
Cas pushed slowly in, giving Dean time to push back. Gently, until he was all the way inside of him, and their eyes met. There was too much to say and no time to say any of it. Dean let out a shuddering breath as Cas adjusted his angle to brush his lover's prostate. Castiel pulled slowly out and pushed back in, holding Dean's gaze. Dean moaned slightly, trying to maintain his sub role. He liked being ordered around, but it was difficult not to wrap his legs around Cas's waist and make him go faster. Dean hadn't been fucked since…well, since the last time he'd been with Castiel. Over a year ago. It was beyond stupid to forgo sex this good. Cas thrust again, and Dean gasped.
"I own you," Cas growled. He clutched at Dean's shoulder, putting his hand over the scar he'd left six years ago. "You have always been mine."
"Yes," Dean moaned as Cas's cock hit his prostate again. "Yours, always."
Cas thrust harder. "I saved you," he whispered, sucking on Dean's earlobe. "But I can't…Dean, I…."
Dean wrapped his legs around Cas's waist and locked his ankles. He didn't speak, just met his gaze and stared for a moment, taking in the horrible pain and confusion and utter loneliness in the blue eyes. "I'm here, Cas," he whispered. "My angel."
"Dean," Castiel breathed.
Dean shivered and tightened his legs. "Say my name again."
"Dean." Cas punctuated each loving word with a thrust. "Dean, Dean, Dean."
"Cas," Dean moaned. "Cas, please—unh, yes."
Cas grabbed Dean's cock and jerked it with his free hand. "Dean," he whispered again frantically. "I'm…Dean, I'm going to—"
"Yes!" Dean gasped, pressing his face into Cas's shoulder to muffle his moans as he climaxed.
Cas dug his fingers into Dean's shoulder, shaking as Dean tightened around him. He came, his mouth pressed against Dean's right shoulder as his vision blurred even more. They lay, panting and covered in sweat, Dean's legs still holding Castiel in place. After half a minute he unlocked his ankles and released Cas. He raised his head and kissed Dean tenderly, their tongues sliding softly against each other. Finally Cas pulled back and slipped out of Dean. He rolled off him and reached for the dresser. From the top drawer he pulled out a silver, engraved blade, which he used to cut the bindings from Dean's wrists.
"That's gotta be blasphemy," Dean remarked as he stretched his arms, trying to prevent them cramping. Cas lay down beside him and settled his head on Dean's shoulder. A hand lazily drew patterns on Dean's chest. Dean, for his part, stroked Cas's back. Dean sighed contentedly. "I needed that."
"Yeah, I know." Cas lifted his head to look at Dean. "Sorry, I kind of lost the role at the end."
"Shut up; it was perfect."
"Yeah?"
"Perfect. I can die happy."
"I very much doubt that."
"Oasis of peace, Cas. Don't bring me down. Just let me bask for like ten minutes."
"Sure." Cas laid his head back down. Dean's fingers found one of the two small nubs of bone on his back. No one would notice it if they weren't looking for it, but he'd bothered to show Dean once. Not that they meant a damn thing now. No wings, no flying. No, now they were just another way he was not quite human. Cas wondered idly if he could intentionally leave this vessel now if he tried. Probably not. And he had nowhere to go if he did. He swallowed, the lump in his throat aching.
Dean didn't stop caressing with his thumb, though. Finally Castiel mumbled, "Don't."
Dean obeyed, but asked, "Why?"
"Because they're useless." They lay in silence for awhile.
Presently Dean said, "I love you, you know. Right now. Not a memory of you, Cas, just you. Yesterday, today, tomorrow. I'm still sorry as hell I pushed you away."
"I know you are." Cas kissed Dean's shoulder and stood up to retrieve his absinthe. He took a gulp. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. "Fuck."
"Cas?" the younger Dean's voice said from outside. "Can I come in?"
"No," Cas said quickly. "Wait." He quickly pulled on his pants and opened the door just enough to stick his head out. "What do you want?"
"Uh…I just wanted to talk to you, that's all."
"I'm busy."
"Busy?"
"I'm going to fight my brother tomorrow, Dean," he said, exasperated. "What do you think I'm doing?"
"Um, you're…oh. Sorry, man, I can't get used to that."
Cas rolled his eyes. "I'm with someone. Go away."
"Who are you—never mind. Sorry. Have you seen…uh, me?"
"No."
"I can't seem to find him."
"I don't know where he is. Where you are." Cas narrowed his eyes. "I am busy. I will talk to you on the way tonight." He closed the door in Dean's face and turned back to the bed.
His Dean looked relieved. "I thought you were gonna tell him."
"What? No. He doesn't know yet. He'd start looking at me funny and—no, I don't want that." Castiel sat back down on the bed.
"What time is it?"
"Ten."
"I should…prepare, I guess."
"Dean, we're packed and prepped. We can take a few minutes."
"Yeah, uh….yeah. No, I should be moving."
"No, you should be right here," Cas retorted firmly. "With me."
Dean held his head in his hands. "I have feelings again. Damn it, Cas."
"When have you not had feelings? You have more feelings than anyone I've ever met."
"Shut up."
"Which is why it's killing you, what you're about to do."
"This is seriously not a good idea. Stop talking now."
"Killing your brother is going to hurt. Killing my brother is next to impossible. And I think you can do it. I believe in you." Cas swallowed the last of his drink. "I don't, however, expect for a second that I'll make it through alive."
"Cas, please—"
"Or any of us. You, maybe."
"Won't matter," Dean said through clenched teeth. "When I put him down, the next bullet I can find has my name on it."
"Yeah. I know." Castiel gripped his hand. "I'll find you."
"Wow, no suicide-is-wrong lecture?"
"Oh, right, I'm going to tell you that when there's one reason and one reason only that I haven't."
"Don't talk like that."
"Like what? Like I've been clinging to the fact that you're here, even if you won't look at me half the time? I hate being so…small. Useless. I want to be what I was. And I can't. This life, I hate it. I've been holding out hope that I could just fucking touch you again."
"Don't put that on me, Cas. I don't need it."
"Yeah, well, I win. I touched you again. Now we get to die. Maybe we'll even get to save the world."
"Maybe."
"I love you."
"I know."
"I'll find you."
Dean nodded slowly. "You gonna tell anyone about…um, the fact that we're all basically fucked and odds are good the only way I'll get a shot is…."
"I said I was going with. Can't think of a better way to die."
Dean stared at Castiel, trying and failing to hold back tears again.
Cas pulled him close. "You know it's not really your fault, not any of it. And if I had to do it over again, I would still choose to stay."
"Why?" Dean's voice was muffled by Cas's shoulder.
"You."
"Then you're an idiot."
Cas let out a low chuckle. "Always." They sat together for awhile in silence, simply taking comfort in the other's touch. Finally Dean stood up to find his clothes.
"Time to move out," he said quietly.
Cas retrieved his shirt and jacket from the floor where they'd fallen when he picked up his pants in a hurry. There was something painfully final about it. I'm going to die in these clothes, he couldn't help thinking as he pulled on his jacket. Don't let him see your fear. The silver blade still lay on the bed. Castiel picked it up slowly. It was right that they should die together. It had been his constant friend for a very long time now. He forced back tears. It wasn't fair. It just wasn't fucking fair. He wasn't supposed to die now. Not now, not in some abandoned building, torn apart by Croats, armed with nothing but a gun and the only thing he'd ever successfully held onto. Not alone. Not cut off from his entire family because he'd stupidly fallen in love with a human who single-handedly drove Heaven away. Why had he broken so badly? Had he always been this wrong, but his family had been infinitely forgiving? He thought of Rachel and of Anna, wondered what had happened to them. Anna must have stayed, or perhaps she was killed. Rachel was with their siblings, wherever the hell they had gone. Did they think of him? Did Balthazar even miss him? Cas drew in a breath and sheathed the blade in a leather scabbard. He secured it under his jacket and turned around to watch Dean finish buttoning his jacket.
Dean holstered his gun and turned to Cas, drawing in a breath to speak. Cas put a finger over his lover's lips and shook his head. Dean nodded. They kissed, and it was full of fear and love and pain and the need to let the other know, make him understand what it meant.
It's not your fault.
I shouldn't have pushed you away. I'm sorry.
I will always love you, no matter what.
I don't know why you trust me, but it means everything to me.
I'll find you.
I'll wait for you.
Then they broke apart, and Dean turned slowly and walked out of Cas's room.