Chapter Text
“Y’know, I don’t think ya hate him, cupcake.” Harley says casually while messing with Joker’s hair. The two had been talking for a while, he had been ranting about how much he hates Batman, Harley had been gushing about her girlfriend. Harley started experimenting with Joker’s hair while he started painting his nails. Joker freezes, and Harley laughs.
Sometimes, Joker wishes his best friend didn’t have a doctorate in psychology. The the paper itself isn’t the problem--in fact, it works lovely as a coaster, it’s sitting on the table right now sporting an elegant wine glass that’s filled with pink lemonade--but she definitely puts the eight years of education that earned that fancy paper to good use.
She was a psychologist when they first met. It was at Arkham, one of those rare times when Joker let himself get caught by Batman-- totally on purpose and not because he was… distracted or anything, he just needed a break! For real!--and Harley seemed to be the only one there who got him. They quickly took to gossiping about their lives, Joker admittedly doing most of the talking and Harley writing everything down on a bedazzled notepad. After a few days, since that’s as long Joker can really stand being in one place before getting antsy, Joker proposed a partnership. She was eager to accept, and they’ve been best friends ever since.
Joker laughs. “Ha! That’s a real knee slapper. Hilarious!” He is well aware that she isn’t joking. He knows when she’s joking.
“Look at me, pumpkin, I got my serious face on.” She frowns slightly, dropping the locks of Joker’s hair she was trying to braid and moving to face him.
“Your serious face doesn’t match your ridiculous words, Harley.“
“But I am serious, and I’m also right.” She smirks, “I think… You have strong feelins’ for B-Man and don’t wanna admit it’s anything other than hate. I think it scares ya.”
“What? No! I don’t get ‘SCARED,’ Harley! What are you even trying to say?” Joker stands up, nearly knocking over a bottle of green nail polish.
“Well, what I’m sayin’” Harley’s smile grows, “Is that if my hypothesis is correct, you’re in looooove!!!” She’s squealing at this point, and grabs his hands, spinning him around. She turns him back, and pokes his nose, giggling.
“What? Pshhh,,, That’s a funny one, but I’m not in love , Harley! I don’t fall in love and… He’s BATMAN!”
“I know ya blushin’ under all that white foundation. I got you all figured out, honey.” She picks up her glass of pink lemonade, downs it, and holds up her diploma. “Ya gotta trust me, I’m a doctor!”
Joker glares at her.
“Listen, sweetcakes, I know it’s hard to face ya feelins’ and all that, but ya practically confessed already. Now all ya gotta do is seal the deal.”
“If I, somehow, not saying you’re right, but might be in… uh… umm…. LIKE-LIKE with Batman… What would you--hypothetically!!--suggest I do?” Nailed it.
“Well, Plan A is just tell him about how you feel.”
“Harley, this is Batman, be more realistic.”
“Yeah, I’m gettin’ to that. Plan B is much more… Complicated. Ya sure ya don’t want Plan A?” Harley shrugs. “Worked for me ‘n Red.”
“Again, this is Batman. And purely hypothetical.”
“Hmm… I dunno… If ya really wanna know Plan B I’d guess it’s ‘cause ya wanna woo Batman.”
“But I already did all of that! We’ve got a good relationship going already!” Joker exclaims. “Are you suggesting I do it again with a different word????”
“Hmm…” She taps her finger on her chin. “Nah, my plan’s got less Voldemort.”
“What’s wrong with Voldemort?”
“He’s ugly and kills people!”
“We kill people!”
“Nuh uh! We just put people’s lives at risk so B-Man can save ‘em and you can swoon. And we’re adorable!” She whips out her phone and takes a quick selfie, posting it almost immediately with minimal filters and maximum emojis. “I already got ten likes! And it’s been two seconds!”
“I need no convincing, Harley, I know we look good.”
“Heck yeah we do!” She high fives him eagerly.
Joker is silent for a moment.
“...Did Batman like that post?”
“I swear, he has to have post notifications turned on, he was the first one.” Harley laughs. “Why d’you care? I thought you haaated him?”
“Dearly. So, onto this plan of yours?”
“Right! So! Bruce Wayne’s Batman’s roommate, right?”
“Yeah?”
“Well, it should be easy-peasy to get a hold of Brucey and ask what Batman really thinks aboutcha, right?”
“You’re plan is to kidnap Bruce Wayne?”
“You got it, sugar!”
“That’s… Not a bad idea, actually.”
“What, surprised?” Harley waves her degree around again and laughs. “Now, c’mon, we gotta get you lookin’ spiffy for the kidnapping.”