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They were having breakfast in Regina’s kitchen. It was surreal, considering not that far back into their past they couldn’t be in the same room as each other without one of them blowing a fuse. That was before the curse had broken, then there was Neverland and a year spent without the infuriating women who perhaps, Regina had missed more than she would care to admit.
“More coffee?” she asked, pushing away from the stool and collecting the empty plates.
Emma nodded, bringing a palm to loosely cover her mouth. “Please,” she muttered, chewing on the remainder of her pancake.
Regina refilled Emma’s mug, giving her a brief smile when curious eyes flickered to up to where she stood. Perhaps they could do this, be in a room with each other and talk.
“Thanks.” Emma smiled up at her and Regina could hardly help it when a small smile tugged the corner of her lip. They stared for a few moments, before Emma cleared her throat and reached for the steaming mug.
Regina was staring, she knew it, but from the moment she had left, thoughts of Emma had played on her mind. Since regaining her memories, she’d vouched to herself that she would try. There was something about Emma she couldn’t shake. Her eyes devoured Emma, smirking at the red leather jacket she had sworn to hate. Emma had her sleeves rolled up, so when brown eyes ran down her arm, an array of faint white lines stuck out, shining against the morning sun. She swallowed. Emma turned her head, frowning.
“Sorry, Emma. I got lost in thought for a moment.” She grimaced, aware of Emma’s immaculate superpower. She slipped past Emma, filled up her own mug before sitting back down. She glanced towards those marks, noting how most ran down the length of Emma’s forearm. She wondered how she had never noticed before.
Emma shuffled in her seat and Regina wondered if her glances were less than subtle. Emma pulled her phone out whilst Regina stared straight ahead, hands cupping the warm mug. “Here,” said Emma, lifting the phone in Regina’s direction with a goofy grin, “meet pebbles.”
“Pebbles?” Regina lifted a brow, half chuckled and pulled the phone from Emma’s hand and began to scrutinize the picture, “you named a hamster pebbles?”
“Yup,” said Emma with a smile which had Regina momentarily forgetting how to breathe. She was back to staring and it wasn’t until Emma cleared her throat that she realised she was doing as much. Emma shuffled slightly, “but we only had him for two months.” She took a sip of her coffee and ran fingers through blonde locks.
Regina shook her head, chuckling, eyes swirling with mirth. The combination of one Miss Emma Swan and a pet. She rolled her eyes before looking back to Emma. Emma bit her lip and Regina couldn’t help but smile at how adorable she looked. The butterflies hit the moment Emma shrugged with a sheepish smile. “Looking after a hamster was harder than we thought.”
“I bet,” she said on a slight laugh, bringing the burning coffee to her lips.
The morning rolled past them, continuing with Emma spilling tales of a time spent in New York. The faint white lines long forgotten as Regina heard tales of a year she found herself longing to be part of.
***
Mary Margaret was in labour.
It was Regina’s best attempt at compartmentalizing. There was something niggling just under conscious grasp, which had Regina seething each time she would think of Snow having another baby. It twisted in her gut and had her fingers tingling with the need to strangle the selfish princess.
A frantic Emma had called her barley moments before, so she barged through the hospital in search of her. The moment she found Emma, sat tight, blank eyed, jaw clenching and hands balled into fists, did she even begin to understand what Regina had believed to be irrational thoughts.
“David just got here,” said Emma, unmoving and staring straight ahead, “her water broke in the apartment whilst he was at the station.”
Regina sat, close to grabbing onto one of Emma’s hands for comfort. No matter how much time they’d been spending together recently, she’d convinced herself it was nothing like that. Instead, she turned to face Emma, for all the good it did.
“Is everything okay?” she asked, frowning; she didn’t understand the urgency. Women gave birth all the time.
Emma nodded stiffly. “I think so. I stayed with her until she could be brought in. But I couldn’t get a hold of David. He was out on patrol, so we were already at the hospital by the time he called.”
“So…nothing to worry about?” Regina was beginning to think this entire situation was some overdramatic way of Snow receiving heaps of attention, but that didn’t explain Emma. “Then why did you call me?” asked Regina on a whisper.
Emma shrugged. “I don’t know,” she whispered the bowed her head. This time, Regina reached out and pulled on one of Emma’s wrists until her hand lay in her lap. From there she gently uncurled Emma’s fingers to reveal four crescent shapes indented into a red palm. Regina brushed her fingers on top of them before looking up to meet those hollowed out eyes.
“Don’t hurt yourself, Emma.” She didn’t think it would make a difference, not until Emma intertwined their fingers. Though, the moment she had, Emma moved her back to her original tight position, one leg bouncing as she stared out into space.
“It doesn’t matter,” said Emma, her voice monotonous and Regina realised why she had been feeling murderous, sat watching the little lost girl who felt as if she was about to be forgotten all over again.
***
Heat soared through the mansion as opposed to the winter snow, as the three of them snuggled under blankets in front of the tv. Henry sat propped up on the couch sitting vertically to the screen, whilst his mothers sat on the one facing opposite. He sipped his hot chocolate, happily watching the film whilst Regina snaked a hand beneath the shared blanket to squeeze Emma’s thigh. She flinched and Regina pulled a hand away as if she’d been burnt.
“I-”
Emma closed her mouth after seeing the hurt pass through Regina’s eyes and bit her lip before shuffling and wrapping an arm around her shoulder. Regina stiffened, not knowing whether she should remain mad or lean into the embrace. They’d been dating almost three months and had finally spilled the beans to their family two weeks previous. They were free to hold hands and kiss and cuddle even with people around.
On a sigh, she leant her head on Emma’s shoulder, deciding it best to let it go whilst Henry was present. Though the little smirk Regina saw in the corner of her eye coming from her son, had her snuggling closely to the woman she was falling for. Apparently, they had all known, with Henry being their biggest supporter. And with the way Emma pulled her in closer, along with the brush of warm lips to her temple, the moment was long forgotten.
***
“You can stay,” Regina whispered, running a finger down Emma’s arm and shuffling so she sat closer. Emma’s eyes grew wide and she stood abruptly then shoved both hands into her jeans pockets. Regina had to swallow before she stood and clasped one of Emma’s hands. She sighed. “I’m sorry, we don’t have to, I can wait.”
Emma lowered her eyes, “I want to,” she whispered before shutting them completely. It was the vulnerability which had Regina pull Emma into a tight hug and rub her back until Emma melted in her arms.
They’d been doing this dance for months now. Regina understood, she did, but she couldn’t help but feel a little hurt for what felt like another rejection. Emma had tried to convince her it wasn’t her, but there was too much history for Regina to believe that.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Regina whispered, whilst pushing Emma’s hair over her shoulder. Emma simply shook her head and Regina took it as yet another blow. If she would talk to her, then maybe Regina could understand Emma’s need to wait.
Eventually Emma pulled away and Regina tried to be as understanding as she could be. She kissed her soundly in the open door way before she pressed her head to Emma’s. The evenings were getting warmer and soon they would be able to sit in the back garden with a bottle of wine and a blanket. It was something similar to what they had done shortly after Emma and Henry had arrived in town.
They had talked for hours, with Emma filling in anything she could of their time in New York, until light banter had turned to meaningful chats and eventually, one summer evening, Emma had asked her out on a date. Regina wanted nothing more than to simply enjoy evenings with Emma where she could just be.
“Lunch tomorrow?” Emma asked, one eye brow raised and a hopeful smile gracing those lips. Ones Regina lent in to kiss all over again. She pulled away with a dazzled smile.
“Lunch tomorrow,” she repeated, pecking Emma’s lips once more then watching her walk down the pathway and not moving off her porch until the yellow bug rolled away.
***
It was frantic. The need inside of her to be closer. To have more. To see more skin.
Regina pulled Emma’s tank top over her head before pushing her onto the bed and straddling her hips. “Emma,” she breathed, fingers dancing over the toned abs, “you’re fucking gorgeous.”
Emma wiggled her eyebrows. “Like what you see Madame Mayor?” she purred, pushing on both arms until she was seated with Regina straddling her lap. Arms instantly wrapped around her slender waist until they were flush together and kissing and moaning into each other’s mouths.
In a desperate need to take Emma Swan after so much waiting, Regina slipped a hand in between their bodies, fumbling with the button of Emma’s jeans. She jumped off Emma, undid the zip, the pulled Emma up until she was standing.
“What’s with the rush?” Emma hissed, pulling Regina against her and connecting her lips to that glorious spot on her neck. She trailed her fingers up and down Emma’s toned back, moaning at the different sensations.
In an instant. Regina pulled away. Grabbed the side of Emma’s jeans and tugged. They were at her knees before Emma had had the chance the go stiff. She didn’t move, her chest expanding and deflating heavily.
“Emma,” said Regina, her voice breaking, “why didn’t you-” she crouched down, the lust long forgotten and continued to remove Emma’s jeans. After a momentary resistance, Emma stepped out of them before making her way to the bed, perching on the edge. Regina followed and sat down next to Emma, who instantly leant into her side.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” she said, arms crossing tightly around her middle.
Regina’s eyes glued to the angry red marks covering Emma’s thighs. Some seemed old, but others, she swallowed then wrapped an arm around Emma’s shoulders. “It’s okay,” she whispered, twisting to place a kiss on Emma’s head.
“If you don’t want me, you can just-”
“Emma.”
Regina twisted and Emma sat upright, but with her head still bowed. Gently, Regina cupped Emma’s cheek until their eyes met. “Why wouldn’t I want you?” she asked, keeping their eyes connected the entire time.
Emma shrugged with glistening eyes.
Regina used her other hand to rub up and down Emma’s arm, bringing her hand low enough to gently run her fingers over the white lines covering Emma’s forearm.
“I love you, Emma. You are so beautiful,” she said, emphasising those last words. It wasn’t difficult to see the torment running through emerald eyes, so Regina leant in until their lips met and kissed her passionately. She pulled away and met Emma’s eyes once more, thumb brushing along Emma’s cheek.
“I understand if you want to stop, but Emma, I want you.” She paused to brush a stray tear running down Emma’s cheek, then pecked her lips gently, “make love to me,” she whispered against those lips, then looked up to see the tiniest of smiles pushing in the corners of Emma’s lips.
Emma snaked an arm around Regina’s waist then looked to her. “I love you, too,” she said on a shaky breath then began to kiss her as if it were the only thing in that moment which mattered.
***
It wasn’t until a few weeks later, with them huddled under a blanket sat outside way past midnight, their son already sleeping soundly, when Emma found a way to trust in Regina.
“I was fifteen,” she said, shuffling so she was sat snuggly in Regina’s arms, “the first time. I was just so mad and so lost and I had no one, you know?” she shrugged and Regina stayed silent, because yes, she did know. “I used my finger nails to scratch down my arms and it calmed me. I don’t even know why,” she chuckled with glistening eyes then looked up to meet Regina’s gaze.
“I’m not exactly the best role model for healthy coping skills,” she quipped then brushed her lips to Emma’s temple. Emma gave a little chuckle then moved until she was once again sat comfortably.
“It just got worse. Over time I used other stuff, took the blades out of things, I don’t know, it just-” she twisted her arm then began to trace the barely visible scars, “it helped. In so many different ways. When someone didn’t want me, I could punish myself or if I was angry, it would make me calm. I know it might sound strange.”
“Not as much as you might think, Emma.” She pulled her in a little closer and Emma dropped both arms. If anyone understood how to punish yourself, it was Regina. It didn’t make hearing those words any easier and Regina was going to throw something extremely hard the moment she was alone, but right now, she remained calm.
Emma sighed deeply and didn’t make any attempt to move from the way she was nestled into Regina’s arms. “You’ve hurt yourself, recently, haven’t you?” She didn’t want to ask, but she had to find a way to push past the need to bury her head in the sand and admit to the fact her girlfriend was most likely still hurting and suffering from a past she couldn’t escape.
“Sometimes,” Emma whispered, “I started cutting my thighs because it was easier to hide and I, I still need to do it from time to time. Not as often as when I was younger, but sometimes.”
“You know you can talk to me, Emma. Call me or come to me if you feel like you’re going to hurt yourself, I’m not going to make you stop,” she said, even if all she wanted to do was that, “but I’m here. I promise.”
Emma sat up and looked directly into Regina’s eyes. She bit her lip and nodded. “I’ll try, but I can’t promise-”
“I don’t expect you to.”
Emma nodded again, tears spilling out from Emma’s eyes. Regina pulled her back into her arms and Emma melted instantly.
“I didn’t think you’d be so understanding,” she croaked which caused Regina to tighten her hold and begin to shush and rock Emma until she was calm. When she finally pulled away, Regina brushed her fingers through Emma’s hair and smiled at her.
“I’ve spent an entire life trying to find ways to deal with all of these things I didn’t know how to deal with. I turned that suffering on a lot of people. But I found a way to turn a lot of it on myself too. And I know I have your idiot parents and Henry and,” she paused for a moment and rolled her eyes whilst reluctantly saying, “I love them,” which made her smile due to Emma’s chuckle. “But they can’t always understand me, not the way you do, Emma.” She smiled again whilst cupping Emma’s cheek. “And I think that makes us special.”
Emma leant into the touch, covering a hand over Regina’s. Their eyes remained connected for a long time as they simply lost themselves there, basking in the love and understanding along with so many of the things they had each spent a life time craving. Regina wished there was a way to take away Emma’s pain, but all she could so was stand, take Emma’s hand and direct her to the bedroom, where she could show her how beautiful she was and how much she was loved.