Chapter Text
“I’m gonna fucking maim him,” Akutagawa hisses to Atsushi.
Atsushi is doubled over on the escalator, wheezing.
“It’s not funny!”
“It’s a little funny,” Atsushi says between deep breaths.
There, at the bottom of the escalator, amongst several people waiting for arrivals to Tokyo Haneda, stands Dazai with a massive sign that reads ‘welcome back from rehab’ and a large photo of Akutagawa.
“I’m serious. I’m going to slice his hands off.”
“Baby, Rashomon can’t touch him.”
“Who said I was going to use Rashomon? I’m going to use a fucking butterknife. Maybe I’ll stab him a few times with it for extra measure. Don’t worry, I won’t kill him. I’ll call Yosano to fix him up and then I’ll take his nose off with a potato peeler.”
Atsushi glances back when the elderly couple behind them gasps. He gives them a polite smile and pats Akutagawa’s head. “He’s starting anger management classes next week.”
“Oh, fuck you!” Akutagawa cries.
“Now, now, sweetheart, what do we do when we feel enraged? That’s it, honey, deep breaths.”
Akutagawa glares at Atsushi until they get to the bottom and stalks away from him the moment they get off. Atsushi spies the elderly couple hastily walking in the other direction.
“If it makes you feel any better,” Chuuya tells Akutagawa, “I threw four of these in the bin and he only opened this one up when you were already on the escalator.”
“We’re so proud of you for dealing with your addiction,” Dazai says, fake tears in his eyes.
“I’m not the one with an alcohol problem here, you walking beer drain!” Akutagawa takes a deep breath and turns to Atsushi. “I’m going to throw him into oncoming traffic.”
“Did you wait here until we landed?” Atsushi asks Chuuya, offering Akutagawa a smile and patting his arm sympathetically. “You said you were landing at six in the morning.”
“No, our connecting flight got delayed, so we only landed a little before you did. C’mon, we’ve got a taxi outside.”
When they get out of the taxi outside Chuuya and Akutagawa’s apartment complex, there is a small army of furious faces waiting for them.
“You were supposed to be back two weeks ago,” Kyoka says in a clipped voice.
“Why did you disable your tracer?” Kouyou snaps at Chuuya. “The last location we received from you was the airport in Tokyo.”
“Why was your phone off entirely?” Gin demands, glaring at Akutagawa.
“You all could’ve died and we’d never know!” Kunikida all but screeches at them.
Dazai waves a dismissive hand at them. “We had a bit of an issue with the flights back.”
Kunikida’s eye twitches.
“There were seven flights out of France two weeks ago,” Kouyou says.
“We overslept.”
“Bullshit,” Kyoka says.
Dazai gasps, a hand over his heart. “Kyoka! Language!”
“Our connecting flight blew up,” Chuuya says. “We weren’t on the plane, though, don’t worry.”
“We didn’t hear any news about exploding planes,” Gin says.
“That was lame,” Atsushi tells Chuuya, rolling his eyes.
“Look,” Kouyou says sternly, glaring at Dazai and Chuuya, “the next time you two want to take a trip to Lovers’ Island or whatever, just tell us.”
“And leave Atsushi and Akutagawa out of it,” Kunikida adds. “You don’t need to drag them along under the pretense of a mission. We all know you’re dating, anyway. I think we can all agree that they’d rather kill each other than play chaperone to you two.”
Akutagawa coughs to cover up his amused snort.
“We did not fly to another continent for a date,” Dazai says, scoffing.
Kouyou throws her hands up in exasperation. “I give up! Do whatever you want.”
“I will see you inside,” Gin tells Akutagawa as Kouyou leaves, narrowing their eyes at him before turning around and heading back into the building.
Kunikida looks at Kyoka before turning to Atsushi. “Come on, it’s late. I’ll take you two to the dorms.”
“Uh, actually,” Chuuya cuts in before Atsushi tries to come up with something, “I’ll drop him off tomorrow. There was a thing with the luggage and a lot of it got mixed up. I think half his clothes are actually in my bag.”
Kunikida rolls his eyes. “Fine, but if he comes back to the dorms injured with so much as a papercut, I will find some way to expose your little mafia activities to the government.”
“Duly noted,” Akutagawa says.
Kyoka takes Kunikida’s hand and leaves, glancing back once as if to give Chuuya a warning glare.
Akutagawa shudders. “You’re telling her.”
Atsushi’s mouth falls open. “Wh- why me?!”
“Because now that she has a thought process of her own, she scares me.”
Chuuya shudders too. “She’s always scared me a little bit.”
Dazai tugs on Chuuya’s sleeve, barely suppressing a yawn. “Tired.”
Dazai sets the rest of them off and Atsushi is still yawning when Akutagawa pushes his apartment door open to let him in.
“Two weeks!” Gin yells the moment the door closes. “I hope you assholes had fun!”
“We did,” Atsushi mumbles, rubbing his eyes. On autopilot, he hugs Gin and ruffles their hair before continuing onwards, dragging his suitcase behind him. “See you.”
“He’s not used to flying,” Akutagawa says when Gin looks at him.
“There was no mission, right?”
Akutagawa nods. “None at all.”
“So . . . Dazai and Chuuya know?”
“They do.”
“Oh. That’s nice.”
“Mhm. They actually left us in France and went on a holiday of their own. It was nice. I took Atsushi to Chuuya’s villa in Cassis.”
Gin smiles, as they always do when Akutagawa calls Atsushi by his name. “That sounds really nice.”
Without warning, Gin punches Akutagawa’s arm as hard as they can. “But fucking text me next time. Jesus.”
Akutagawa rubs his arm and nods. “Sorry.”
“I’ll make something nice for breakfast, okay? Get some rest, too. Atsushi’s probably dead to the world asleep already.”
Akutagawa nods and gives Gin’s hair a ruffle of his own before heading to his room. He sets the suitcase beside Atsushi’s and turns to his bed. Atsushi is sprawled over the covers, but still awake. He opens one eye and extends his hand towards Akutagawa, grabbing at empty air.
Akutagawa laughs softly before complying, snuggling up to Atsushi and humming contentedly when Atsushi wraps around him like a sloth on a tree.
They’re both fast asleep when Gin checks in on them in a few minutes.
“Why are you in my apartment first thing in the morning?” Chuuya asks even as he sets out two mugs of coffee for Atsushi and Akutagawa. The gold band on his finger glitters in the morning hue.
“They must’ve pissed Gin off,” Dazai says, snickering when Atsushi stiffens.
“Are you sure this is a good plan?” he asks Akutagawa.
“As long as they don’t realise we’re only one floor up, we’ll be fine.”
“What did you even do?” Chuuya asks.
As if on cue, Akutagawa’s phone rings and buzzes on the counter. Gin’s name flashes.
“Put it on speaker,” Dazai says quickly. “I wanna know what you did.”
Shrugging, Akutagawa answers. “Hel-”
“What the fuck is this?!” Gin screeches at the top of their lungs.
“It’s —”
“You told me you took him to Chuuya’s villa!”
“I did.”
“What the fuck is this thing, then?!”
There’s a loud rustle and Akutagawa can imagine Gin shaking the brown envelope at their phone as if it’s Akutagawa himself.
“Put Atsushi on! I have to yell at him!”
Atsushi shakes his head violently, but Akutagawa slides the phone in front of him. “Gin wants to talk to you, dear.”
“Atsushi! What the fuck did I say about eloping?!”
“Not to do it,” Atsushi replies guiltily.
“So why on God’s green earth am I looking at a French marriage certificate? Is this thing even legitimate? Or is this your idea of a prank?”
“It’s not a prank.”
Gin takes a very deep breath. Then another. “You are so lucky you’re not at home right now or I would hit you so hard with whatever I reach first.”
“Sorry,” Atsushi says meekly.
“It was his idea,” Akutagawa says.
Atsushi gasps. “It was not! You’re the one who set it up!”
Akutagawa scoffs. “May I remind you that I did not plan this trip myself?”
“No, but you bought the rings!”
“Rings?” Gin interrupts. “Come home right now. I want to see.”
“Are you going to hit us if we do?” Akutagawa asks.
Gin hums. “I’ll try to calm down before you get here.”
“Then we’ll be there in a few minutes.”
Gin is silent for a few seconds. “You’re at Chuuya’s apartment, aren’t you?”
“Hi,” Chuuya says when neither Atsushi nor Akutagawa reply.
“Hello!” Dazai calls cheerfully.
“You motherfuckers!” Gin screeches. “You let them get married?! Without me?!”
“In our defense,” Chuuya says, “they woke us up in the middle of the night.”
Atsushi and Akutagawa glare at him. He sticks his tongue out at them.
Dazai flashes Chuuya a grin and then sighs loudly. “I guess they just wanted to be more like me and my darling Chuuya.”
Gin hangs up.
Chuuya is the first to break the silence with a snort and a giggle. “You just left it out for them to find?”
“I will admit that it was not our best idea,” Akutagawa says.
“I am so dead,” Atsushi whines, dropping his head on the counter. “Gin’s going to rip my organs out with their bare hands.”
“I’ll protect you, dear,” Akutagawa says, patting Atsushi’s head.
“You say that and then you use me as a human shield against them.”
“Look, Gin’s my sister. They bully me enough.”
“You’re so evil. This is why no one in the Port Mafia wants to be your friend.”
“Ouch.”
A loud banging at Chuuya’s door startled Atsushi into sitting upright. “I’m going to jump off the balcony.”
“Oh, no you don’t,” Chuuya says, grabbing his shirt as Dazai gets up to open the door.
“Gin,” Dazai sings, “how nice of you swing b- OW!”
Akutagawa snickers, turning on his seat to watch Dazai backpedal into the apartment, trying and failing to avoid the healthy dose of smacks he receives from Gin’s slipper.
“You’re married?!” Gin shrieks.
“Chuuya, love, a little help?”
Chuuya scoffs and remains where he is, sipping on his coffee. “I’m good here.”
“You four,” Gin says, gesturing at them all with the slipper, “are going to be the death of me!”
Atsushi yelps when Gin, after throwing the slipper down and shoving their foot back in, stalks over to him. They hold their hand out expectantly.
“I’m innocent,” Atsushi blurts.
“The ring,” Gin says, rolling their eyes. “I want to see.”
“Oh.” Atsushi relaxes and fishes the ring out from under his shirt. There’s enough play in the necklace for Gin to examine the ring to their heart’s content, but just to be spiteful, they give it a harsh tug. “Ow.”
“It’s prettier than I expected. Do they match?”
Akutagawa gives them his hand before he gets smacked for not knowing what is expected of him.
“Oh, cute,” Gin says. “It matches your eyes.”
“I know.”
“Did you get it custom made?”
Akutagawa nods.
“Good. My best friend deserves only the best.”
“Wh- I’m your brother.”
“And you didn’t even invite me to your wedding. Shame on you, Ryuu.”
“Yeah,” Chuuya says, “shame on you.”
“Don’t get me started with you,” Gin says, pointing at Chuuya. “You’re supposed to be the one with a level head.”
Chuuya shrugs. “It’s hard to be level-headed at ass o’clock at night.”
Gin huffs. “Well, in any event, congratulations.”
“Thank you!” Dazai and Atsushi chirp.
They point at Akutagawa threateningly. “I hope you have a better plan for telling Ane-san.”
Akutagawa winces. “What if just . . . don’t?”
“You have to.”
“Chuuya didn’t tell her and he’s been married for years.”
“If you don’t tell her,” Gin says, looking at Chuuya too, “I will, and I can guarantee you she’d prefer hearing it from you instead of me.”
“You’ve gotten scarier,” Chuuya says.
“Only when you’re all being idiots. Hirotsu says I’m very sweet.”
Dazai rolls his eyes. “Hirotsu treats you like you’re his kid. He’s biased.”
“Ane-san says I’m sweet, too.”
“Ane-san thinks we’re all sweet,” Dazai says.
“And you,” Gin tells Atsushi, ignoring Dazai, “are you going to tell your friends or do I have to?”
“No! No, I’ll tell them. Don’t you dare. Yosano might actually cry if she has to find out from Tanizaki’s Minecraft friend.”
“But only if Dazai does too,” Akutagawa says. “Less people will threaten my life if they’re all distracted by Dazai’s secret marriage.”
“Legally, I’ve only been married for two weeks, though.”
“That doesn’t matter,” Atsushi says. “The only reason we went to France was because you burned your old marriage certificate.”
Gin stares at Dazai. “Why on earth would you do that?”
“He said I wouldn’t be able to return him without the receipt.”
“I was drunk!”
“So, my brother and my best friend eloping is all your fault?”
Dazai shifts from one foot to the other under Gin’s gaze. “I have to pee really bad,” he says, fleeing down the hallway before anyone can catch him.
“I give up,” Gin says. “I don’t know why anything you do surprises me at this point. What are you going to tell your friends, Atsushi? Please don’t just put that certificate on your desk and leave.”
Atsushi grins. “Don’t worry. I have a far better idea.”
Ranpo drops his bag of chips the moment Dazai and Atsushi enter the agency offices.
“What?” Atsushi asks innocently when Ranpo sits properly in his chair and mutely points at him.
Dazai sighs loudly and pinches the bridge of his nose. “All those chips, wasted.”
Ranpo gasps and points at Dazai.
Kunikida looks up, annoyed. “What is it, Ranpo?”
“They got — they’re — huh?”
Kunikida turns around to ask Dazai and Atsushi what they’ve done now. His pen clatters down on his desk. “You got married?!”
Every head in the office swivels to spot the gold band Dazai wears and the black one resting stark against Atsushi’s shirt.
Kyoka frowns. “Last time the topic of dating came up, you said you pity the poor bastard tasked with Dazai.”
“Yes, and after spending three days in the same hotel, I can confirm that I do indeed pity Chuuya.”
“Oh,” Kyoka says, “I thought — wait a damn minute!”
“I honestly thought you and Akutagawa were already married,” Kenji states offhandedly.
“You knew?” Ranpo asks Kenji.
Kenji shrugs. “Caught them kissing near the dorms. Multiple times.”
“And you didn’t think to mention this?” Yosano asks.
Kenji shrugs again.
“Wait, go back,” Tanizaki says. “What do you mean three days? You were gone for two weeks.”
Dazai grins. “Oh, Chuuya and I went to Venice and Geneva and London and Seville.”
“You never said you went to London,” Atsushi says.
“We were only there for a day. We flew back from London.”
“Ah.”
Kunikida squints at Atsushi. “You were left in France without any supervision and decided to get married?”
“Actually, we only stayed the extra two weeks because I got married. The original plan was to replace Dazai’s marriage certificate because he set it on fire that night we all went out for drinks and then come back, hence the three-day trip.”
“It is way too early in the morning for this,” Yosano says, massaging her temples. She suddenly stops and looks up at Ranpo. “Wait, why are you surprised?”
“Because I didn’t know!” Ranpo points accusingly at Atsushi. “You lied to me! To my face!”
“Believe me, it was a huge ego boost.”
“What’s with all the shouting?” Fukuzawa asks as he enters the office. He looks at Dazai and Atsushi. He stares at them, his gaze lowering first to Atsushi’s ring, then to Dazai’s. He turns around and leaves.
“Wait, go back again,” Tanizaki says. He shakes his head and looks at Dazai. “You set your marriage certificate on fire?”
“He thought Chuuya wouldn’t be able to return him without the receipt.”
“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard,” Kyoka says.
“I’m going to tell your husband where you’re ticklish,” Dazai tells Atsushi.
“Bold of you to assume he doesn’t already know,” Atsushi says. The giddy grin on his face drastically downplays his smug tone.
“When I suggested we call for a ceasefire,” Kunikida says, “I did not foresee this outcome. Is anyone else involved with someone in that godforsaken organisation or can I go bang my head against a wall until I pass out?”
“Tanizaki?!” Yosano cries, staring at his hand inching into the air.
“Oh, you’re one to talk! I heard all about how flustered Kouyou was after your supposed briefing meeting!”
Yosano gasps. “That little snitch! Wait until I get my hands on them!”
“I actually heard it from Michi. Gin told him first and he beat them to telling me.”
“Who?”
“Tachihara.”
Yosano gasps again. “That little snitch!”
Kunikida takes his glasses off and covers his eyes. “I want to jump off a moving train.”
“I actually wouldn’t recommend that,” Kyoka says. “It’s not pleasant.”
“This is fun,” Dazai tells Atsushi.
“I told you it would be.”
“I cannot believe you lied to me,” Ranpo says.
“Ryuunosuke bet me I wouldn’t be able to. I like winning.”
Ten minutes later, absolutely no one is doing their work. Ranpo is still rattled, Kunikida looks like he’s still thinking about banging his head against a wall, Yosano and Tanizaki keep trying to argue with one another, Kyoka looks like she’s trying to figure out why on earth Atsushi would get married, and Atsushi, Dazai and Kenji are enjoying the show.
Atsushi’s phone buzzes with a message from Akutagawa.
How’d it go?
Exactly as predicted. Ranpo is going through the five stages of grief, I think.
You?
Ane-san threw a couch cushion at Chuuya for not telling her.
Tachihara is upset that Gin and Tanizaki found out before he did.
Hirotsu sends his condolences which, rude.
The boss is arguing with your president on the phone. He keeps calling him a child for keeping “all this” a secret and baiting him into sending people to Lyon to look for us when we never set foot in Lyon.
Dazai leans over and raises his eyebrows at Atsushi.
Atsushi grins. “Everything’s fine.”