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"Are Bruce and Mr. Kent a couple?"
Tim's point-blank question at breakfast almost made Dick choke on cereal, while Jason laughed.
"Why do you ask?" the young man asked, his eyes bright with exertion.
Tim shrugged, "They look like a couple should be. "
"Oh, no. They are just friends."
Tim frowned, "But it doesn't make sense! I've seen them! I have too some pictures of them together, and there is nothing just platonic!"
"Were you able to take pictures of Superman?!" Dick's voice increased an octave.
He hadn't had that reaction when Tim admitted that he'd been following Batman and Robin for nearly two years.
"Why, is it difficult?" Tim asked, genuinely confused.
"It should be! Superman should have known you were there!"
"Because of his super senses?"
"Yup!"
The child just shrugged.
He was good at what he did, he knew it, without false modesty. However, it wasn't all about his skill in being stealthy.
"He was focused on other things and he didn't pay attention to me."
Like staring at Batman's lips. Okay, it was dark and maybe the view wasn't the best, but Tim knew what he had seen.
Superman was definitely staring at his so-called friend's lips!
"I know what he was thinking. Unfortunately for him, there were too many clothes to take off."
"Jason!"
The fifteen-year-old raised his hands, "We both know that's the way it is, Dickhead! Big Blue has been wanting to bone our dad for years."
"So they're together?" Tim persisted. He hated not having an answer. Dick hesitated, "It's complicated."
"Why?"
"Because they're both idiots," Jason replied instead.
"Bruce suffers from emotional constipation and Clark is afraid of hurting him or shit like that. So, they prefer to ignore the elephant in the room and to be just friends."
Jason had wrinkled his nose at the last part, considering it stupid. Tim shared the same opinion.
He had seen the way Superman touched Batman, like he was the most precious person in the world, and the way he looked at him, it hit him.
Tim's parents didn't love each other. They had married for convenience, at the insistence of his grandparents.
When she married Jack Drake, Janet was at the age when it was unseemly for a girl from a good family not to be married yet.
He had grown up seeing them fight, hate each other little by little, sharp words on both sides.
He thought all couples were like that. Then he had seen Batman and Superman. It was like an enlightenment.
He crossed his arms across his chest, "We have to do something!"
"Nah, Timmy. It's not worth it."
"Why not? They love each other!"
Dick's expression suddenly turned sad, "Love isn't always enough, Tim."
"They might try, though!" the child insisted.
"That way they make themselves more unhappy!"
Dick sighed, "As much as I understand what you're feeling, it's not that easy."
"It could be!"
"If things wrong with each other, they may not be friends anymore."
Tim asked, "Who says that? They already act like a couple! What would change?"
Jason agreed, "Timbo has a point there. It wouldn't change much, except they'd both finally get their heads out of their asses."
"We're talking about Bruce. When does a relationship ever end well?" Dick persisted.
"Superman is an ally too precious to lose!"
"You seem like Bruce when you talk like that."
"Hey!"
"Seriously, they're both adults. If it works, fine. Otherwise, friends like before. It doesn't seem difficult."
"There is one more thing to consider, " Tim hastened to add.
"If Bruce was having a relationship with Mr. Kent, Vicky Vale and Talia at the Ghoul would no longer have a chance with him."
This did the trick. Dick had a very bad opinion of his father's taste with women, but those two were the most hated.
Vicky didn't take the rejection well, and Talia… well, you didn't need a genius to figure it out.
He put his hands on the counter, "Okay, it's time for Bruce to get his hands on that alien's ass. Let's start Operation Lonely Hearts!"
"Hell yeah!"
Meanwhile, in the Batcave…
"Bruce?"
"Mhm?"
"I think your children are up to something."
"Ignore them."
"But…"
Bruce sighed wearily at the expression of a man who had already resigned himself to his fate, "There is no way to stop them."
"Don't you even want to try? Or know what they want to do?"
"No, Clark. It will serve them as a bonding activity."
Clark's eyes widened, "Bonding activity?"
"To get along. So, also Tim will feel part of the family."
"You know there are other ways to do it, don't you?"
"Of course I know. I'm not that clueless. But normal activities wouldn't work. Because my kids aren't normal."
No parent should seem so proud to say this.
Too bad it was true that Bruce's kids weren't normal, not even Tim, an extraordinary stalker who thought it was a good idea to follow the vigilantes. In Gotham. At night.
The boy had been lucky that Jason had found him.
Bruce resumed work on the case, a sign that the conversation was over for him.
But Clark still had his ear pricked, and he winced slightly when Jason suggested kryptonite chains to bind him and Bruce.
Oh, Rao.