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Evan was having a pretty crap day. Wait, strike that, he was having a fucking shit day. He was having a shit week. He was having an insane year. Everything seemed to be trying to fuck him over in the most annoying ways possible. Not only has this year been a complete fiasco since Connor Murphy tried to kill himself and his parents ended up approaching Evan about why they hadn’t met him, and Evan being Evan didn’t have the capability to say they weren’t friends.
Which led to Evan eventually having to follow through and visit Connor and get to know him while he was still in the hospital. They got on alright, aside from the fact that when Evan told him that he lied to Connor’s parents about them being friends Connor’s words were, “well at least one of us is getting something out of me being alive.”
Evan tried his hardest to get to be nice and get to know Connor. He figures Connor felt bad about the whole shoving incident since he didn’t immediately throw him out of his hospital room. Although when Evan showed up one day after school Connor did say, “Well I guess someone really did take the ‘pretend we can both have friends’ thing too far.” Overall, he supposes everything could’ve gone worse. Connor could’ve punched him or humiliated him or even told everyone about the letter not being his, but he hadn’t. Connor didn’t really like Evan at first, but he didn’t hate him. And he agreed to pretend to be friends because that would be mutually beneficial for the both of them.
He and Connor swapped numbers and text each other roughly, once every two days. It’s mostly just Connor saying the food at the hospital sucks and he wishes he was high; and Evan saying that he shouldn’t smoke because smoke pollutes air and that hurts trees and trees are- well you can see why they don’t text much.
Really, Connor wasn’t as bad as everyone said he was. He was just, untreated, as weird as it might sound. Connor needed therapy and medication, and his family simply wasn’t getting it to him. So yeah, after Connor initially met Evan they soon bonded over the tiny fact that both of them had tried to kill themselves and Connor spent the majority of the beginning of whatever acquaintanceship they have in an extended stay in the psych ward. Evan tried to convince Connor that help was good, but Connor just told Evan to “butt out tree boy”.
This year was fucking weird. Still, no one except Connor and Evan knew that their relationship was only about a month old. Connor’s parents were still under the impression that they had been hanging out for months and months. It made Evan’s encounters with them extremely awkward to put it lightly, but Connor seemed happy because his ‘family was finally off his back’. Evan was equally as grateful, finally they could both pretend to have friends.
But it wasn’t making school or his day any better at the moment. He was still having a shit day. When he woke up this morning, twenty minutes later than usual, he was thrilled to find out that his medication had run out and he was going to have to spend today without his anti-depressants or Xanax. It was just one of those mornings where it just feels like shit just keeps getting thrown at you and you can’t focus or keep up because it’s all too much.
Although that feels like everyday, today was worse. It all felt wrong, like his skin was too hot, and too cold, and too dry, and too itchy and too cramped and too tight and too loose, and God , everything felt overwhelming.
And it was only 7:30 in the fucking morning.
Evan had tried to get up early these days, because maybe if he felt like he had more preparation for the school day he'd feel less anxious? Nope, that didn't work. He woke up 20 minutes later than usual so he was going to feel rushed and anxious, and he was running later than he was on a normal day so he'd have to take the dreaded bus rather than walking.
Perfect, a large over heated container full of rude children. That's just what he needed the day he was off his meds.
Evan quickly looked at the time on his phone and realized that if he wanted to catch the bus he'd have to leave in about 10 minutes. Which meant he'd have to speed up his morning process a little more, which meant more rushing, which meant more stressing, which meant and even worse beginning to the day.
Evan was able to leave his house on time by grabbing the closest clothes he could find and all but running around the house. He left with his phone in his pocket, headphones too, and his overweight backpack on his shoulders.
He enjoyed the shorter walk to the bus, he didn't get as sweaty as usual and he was still able to enjoy the view of the trees on the way. Although, it was hard to enjoy it as much as usual without his medicine. Everything still felt a bit too dim and too bright and too fuzzy. He felt overly exposed no matter what he did. With or without his jacket, with or without his scarf, wearing or carrying his backpack. It all felt wrong.
He eventually made it to the bus stop without completely being paralyzed in panic. There were only 3 other people sitting at the stop, and Evan could easily avoid them. He just stuck his headphones in, leaned against a tree, and tried to pretend that maybe life was better than it was.
About one and half songs later the bus pulled up and everyone filed on. Evan was able to get on the bus and to his seat without bumping into anyone or making eye contact. Alright, okay, maybe he could turn today around.
Shit. The letters. Those ‘give yourself a pep talk’ letter he’s been doing since the beginning of the year. Those letters that eventually led to Connor winding up in the hospital. These things were a curse. He was supposed to write one every morning to “boost his self confidence”, and it was not working. Regardless, he still tried to write at least three times a week because, even if it wasn’t helping he couldn’t just disappoint his mom and therapist like that. So, he wrote.
Or, he was supposed to write this morning, but because of running late he was unable to. Shit, fuck if that will be the only chance he’ll have to write a letter? What if he has too much homework tonight and can’t write it then? What if his mom makes an emergency appointment because he’ll probably have a panic attack today since he’s out of his medicine, and he’ll show up empty handed because he won’t have written the letter? What if Dr. Sherman gets mad at him for being without a letter decides that he won’t be his therapist anymore? God, what will his mom think? Fuck fuck fuckfuckfuck.
Evan could feel his breathing start to be labored, and his mind start to get fuzzy. Shit, now was not the time for panic attack. He tried to think of things that would calm him down: sitting in bed alone, his weighted blanket, the book he was reading, sherbet ice cream-
But it wasn’t working. He just started thinking about how he wasn’t in his bed alone, he was in fact on a sweaty bus on the way to school where he’d have to stay for another 8 hours until he could go home. ‘God today is never going to end nothing is ever going to end it’s all just going to be more and more and more and one after another afteranotherafteranotherafteranother.’
And then the thought that eventually came at the end of all his episodes.
‘I should have climbed higher.’
A dull numbness seemed to wash over him, he didn’t feel any better, but at least it slowed his breathing. He was no longer hyper aware of everything, it all just sort of faded out until the only things going through Evan’s head were ‘I should have climbed higher.’ and ‘maybe I’ll try again’.
Evan held his breath for a minute. Did he really want to? Doesn’t he have something to live for? What about Connor, aren’t they getting closer?
No, Connor said it himself. You’re a freak. He’d do better if you weren't annoyingly visiting him every other day.
Yeah, yeah. But what about Jared?
Jared said it himself. You are family friends. He only needs you for his car insurance. He wouldn’t care if you dropped of the face of the planet tomorrow. He’d probably be happy that you aren’t always tagging along with him wherever he goes. Jared doesn’t need you.
But… what about his mom?
She might be sad for a little, but face it. You’re just holding her back from all her accomplishments. You just keep wasting her money on therapy and medication that isn’t working. She’ll be better off without you.
Okay. He can do this, but how? When he got home? What was he supposed to use? When was his mom going to get home? Could he buy something?
Evan was phasing out fast. He wasn’t aware of anything that was happening around him. He didn’t even notice Jared plopping down next to him and starting to talk. It wasn’t until Jared waved a hand in his face and grabbed him arm that he even registered his existence.’
“Woah! Wh- when did you get there?” Evan’s eyes were wide with fear, god he was just day dreaming about… he didn’t even notice Jared get here.
“About five minutes ago asshole. What were you even thinking about? You looked so fucking out of it.” Jared chuckled a bit and glanced back at Evan, “Thinking about Zoe Murphy huh?” He nudged Evan with his elbow and laughed again.
“W- What? No! No I wasn’t I’m just really tired because and I didn’t get enough sleep and I all drowsy because I woke up l-late so yeah I mean I’m just tired I-I’m sorry for not noticing you,” Evan couldn’t think. It was all going too fast again.
“Dude, calm down. You’re freaking the fuck out again.” Jared’s tone was bored and relentless in Evan’s ears.
“Y-Yeah I-I’m sorry I’m ju-just off my medicine? So I ca-can’t really do anyth-thing right now i-it’s all too much.” Evan closed his eyes and tried to calm his breathing again. It was useless, as nothing seemed to help. All he could think about was that he was annoying Jared, and Jared would be mad, and God, Jared probably somehow figured out what he was thinking about and now he’s going to tell everyone and make fun of him or get his mom to send him away and God if I get sent away how will I try again?
Tears were already forming in his eyes and it was too too early for this.
“Evan? Shit. Evan? Calm down! God, chill out okay? I’m sorry you don’t have you meds but you’ll be fine okay? Just stop freaking out. We’re almost at school and I know you hate having episodes at school.” Jared didn’t know jack shit what to do. He was used to just letting Evan simmer until he eventually calmed himself down but that didn’t really seem like an option now. Evan didn’t have his medication so there was no way he was going to get himself out of this one. Jared made a split second decision.
He held Evan’s hands and tried to be a nice fucking person for once.
“Evan? Breathe with me okay? In three, hold three, out three. Okay? Just breathe?” Jared didn’t know what he was doing but Evan seemed to calm down just from the sheer shock that Jared was holding his hands and trying to sooth him.
Evan blinked again to try and get rid of his unshed tears but to no avail. His erratic breathing had slowed down in fact, he was breathing at almost a normal pace now. He felt sweat on his forehead and his hands in Jared’s were clammy, but it could’ve been worse. He could’ve thrown up already.
Shit what if I throw up? The thought of it sent him spiraling again and feeling slightly sicker than before. This day was not going to let him off was it? It just dragging him back down and not letting him stop for even a breath.
Jared was still there though. Still holding his hands and trying to calm his breathing down. Evan wiped at his face and tried to shut his mouth and swallow the spit that had accumulated, just so that he could actually stop hyperventilating for one second. It seemed to work, as now he was just tired and cold, but no longer on the verge of blacking out.
He closed his eyes until he heard Jared’s voice in his ears again.
“-van? Evan, shit did you pass out? Are you okay?” Jared’s voice sounded concerned, actually concerned for Evan’s well being.
“I-I’m here. I’m awake.” Evan opened his eyes to see Jared absolutely terrified. He looked like he just had seen a ghost. His hands were shaking as much as Evan’s but they gripped his a little tighter when Evan opened his eyes. “Th-thank you, Jared. I’m pretty sure if you weren’t here I would’ve passed out a while ago.” Evan tried to smile but his face felt so heavy and tears were still in his eyes.
“It’s fine Hansen, just if you ever tell anyone about this I’ll deny it ever happened.” Jared said, clearly trying to sound confident and indifferent, but his voice was shaky as he spoke.
“Of c-course. No problem,” Evan responded, his voice shakier and weaker than Jared’s by a long shot. Jared’s hands were still around his own, and even though this might’ve been incredibly awkward, Evan would be lying if he said it didn’t calm him down.
But all good things must end.
Jared dropped his hands from around Evan’s and scooted back on the bus seat. He looked unsure of what to do, that is until he realized that everyone on the bus (granted that was only a few people) was standing, and ready to leave.
“Come on, we’re at school, let’s go.” Jared stood up quickly and walked off the bus. Great, he probably regrets what he did and now he’s never going to speak to you again. Fantastic.
Evan grabbed his things and got off the bus, trying to keep his head as low as possible. He vaguely registered walking past the gym, going to his locker, putting his things away, and walking in the direction of the hallway C bathroom. His brain was running on autopilot and he was going through the motions in the most literal sense. He got to the bathroom, sat down on the floor, and breathed out a sigh.
Today was going to be long.
Evan had gotten through the first four periods without any more panic attacks. He’d call it an accomplishment but each time was far too close to really be proud of. It was lunch now and Evan was looking forward to going to the library and sitting in calming silence for the next 45 minutes.
But apparently the universe had other plans.
“So, what the fuck happened this morning?” Jared sat down next to him, and started speaking far too loudly for the library they were in, even if it was empty and nobody would probably be back for another hour.
“Wh- what do you m-mean?” Evan was unsure how to answer the question. About twenty million things happened this morning. That was kind of the whole reason for the panic attack.
“I mean, why did you freak out so much? Why were you so out of it? I had been sitting and talking for five whole minutes and you didn’t even notice I was there until and literally shook you out of it. Dude, your eyes were creepy. Like, ‘dull and lifeless’ creepy.” Jared looked at Evan expectantly as he spoke, as if he was truly wanting an answer.
“I just, I just u-um y’know, don’t h-have my medicine so that’s wh-why today was so much worse.” Evan tried to tell Jared the most simple truth there was. Yes, he didn’t have his medicine and that’s why he looked like that and was so out of it. Yeah, that’s why.
“Damn Hansen, I thought you were bad with your medicine. Why did you come if you didn’t have it?” Jared genuinely seemed curious. This was polar opposite from their usual interactions. Most of the time, it was just Evan speaking and Jared ignoring him, or Jared speaking and Evan being too nervous to hold up a conversation.
“I just, I’m pretty sure I’ve m-missed too much school anyways, a-and I didn’t want my mom thinking I was j-just some screw up was can’t function without his many different medications. I-I’m just so tired of constantly failing at everything and God today has just been the worst.” Evan wished he could just disappear. Yeah, it was nice that Jared really seemed to care about him for a change, but today was not his day for conversations.
“Yeah, but that doesn’t explain why you went to school. If you were out of your anxiety pills and you knew you’d probably have a panic attack, why’d you bother to show up?” Jared was confused. Why willingly put yourself through hell if you could just wait it out a day and skip? Hansen fucking confused him.
“I really don’t think I should’ve stayed home.” was all Evan could respond. There it was again. That dull numbness.
“What? Why?”
Because I don’t know what I would’ve tried to do.
“Oh, u-uh, just bec-cause projects? Y’know? Be-because it’s almost w-winter break and everything and I have too much to do so it’s best I went to school y’know it’s probably best Ireallydon’tthinkIshouldbealonewithmyselfrightnow.” Evan rushed out. Fuck, rambling; Once he started, he couldn’t seem to stop.
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean Evan? ‘Shouldn’t be alone with yourself’? Why the fuck not?” Jared seemed almost angry at Evan’s outburst. His eyes were wide and he had the same look from on the bus earlier. It was anger, initially, but something underneath it. It looked almost like fear.
Evan was not talking about this. Not today. “Maybe, maybe it’d be best if we just dropped it right here? I mean it doesn’t really matter anyways okay? So just don’t mention it, it’s fine everything’s fine I’m fine so please stop asking-” Breathe. Breathe. Slow down. Don’t want another panic attack.
“Evan, slow down.” Jared stopped pestering him with questions and allowed him a moment to just breathe.
“I’m sorry, okay? I ju- I just can’t right now.” Evan breathed out a sigh. He just needed to get through these next three periods. He could, he could get through the rest of today without his medicine. He could. Maybe then he’d go home and try to actually-
“Just one more question.” Jared said, looking at him inquisitively.
“Y-Yeah. Sure.”
Shit. Here it comes. How’d you break your arm. He’ll ask and then you’ll panic and they’ll send you away. Or maybe Jared will have a lapse of good judgement and not tell anyone so you’ll be able to go home an-
“What medicine do you take?”
“What?” That was not what Evan was expecting. How was this even relevant? He’d answer, but now he was slightly confused as to where Jared was going with this.
“What medicine? You said medications. As in, plural types of medicines. I thought you just took anxiety shit?” His voice sounded, somehow, annoyed. As if it made him angry that Evan started taking new meds and Jared hadn’t been informed.
“Yeah that’s what I meant, I mean I don’t take any more medicine than usual. I mean, why would I? Nothing has changed so u-um yeah just the Xanax and st-stuff.” Evan didn’t like where this was heading. What he asked about-
“But you said, ‘many different types of medications’. That seems pretty specific Evan. Why won’t you tell me?” Jared was definitely upset now. God, this was spiralling fast.
“N-Nothing! It’s absolutely nothing Jared!” Evan thought about making a run for it.
“Then why won’t you tell me?!”
“ Because they’re antidepressants alright!” Shit.
“What? Antidepressants? Since when?”
“Please n-no Jared. I can’t t-talk about it r-right now.” Evan knew he was crying. He knew he looked like a mess. He knew he was started to hyperventilate and things were started to get fuzzy, but honestly he couldn’t care anymore.
“I feel like I deserve to know Evan! We’ve known each other for forever! Why can’t you just talk to me about this? You fucking asshole, we’re supposed to be friends! You know, just because I fucking wasn’t there when you fell out of your dearest trees like a fucking acorn doesn’t mean I shouldn’t know what’s going on!” Jared said to Evan in desperate tone.
And honestly, that was the last straw.
“That joke isn’t fucking funny anymore!” Evan yelled at Jared, tears leaking out of his eyes and down his cheeks. He couldn’t handle it anymore. Just, the taunting, the questioning, everything. And if Jared didn’t hate him before, he definitely did now.
Jared was taken aback at Evan’s outburst. Never had Evan ever sworn at him, anybody like that before. “Why Evan? What happened that you aren’t telling me about? And just because you broke your arm falling out of a fucking tree doesn’t mean-”
Shit shit shit shit don’t don’t don’t even think about it-
“I never fell.” A dead silence. A dull numbness. The phasing out. It was all washing over him. He vaguely registered the tears dripping off his face and his nails digging into palm. Other than that, it was all just cloudy, cloudy grey over his senses.
Jared’s voice broke through the cloud.
“You never fell? Evan, what do you even mean you never fell? You broke your arm, you were at park, climbing a tree, and you fell. If you didn’t fall, how did you really break you arm Evan? I’m lost.” Jared sensed Evan’s change in mood, so he tried his best to not sound as angry with Evan. And he wasn’t, just fucking confused.
Well there was no point trying now.
“I was at the park. I climbed a tree, but I didn’t fall .” Evan turned up his head from where he was looking at the table. He looked into Jared’s eyes: confusion. Always confusion.
“You’re still being vague as hell, Evan. I don’t get it. If you climbed a tree, but you didn’t fall, then what’d yo-” Jared stopped. His eyes went wide, his face white as a sheet. He felt sick to his stomach.
“Evan, you don’t mean that you-” Jared felt on the verge of tears. He stared back into Evan’s eyes. Searching, searching for an answer different from what he was thinking. It couldn’t be. There’s no way.
“I l-let, I let go.” A sob. The dull numbness.
“Evan. Evan I’m so so sorry,”
Jared tried to apologize but he was at a loss for words. Let go? Evan let go? Was he trying to… God, no the thought was too terrible to even think. It made him sick to consider it for even a second.
“It’s not a big deal or anything okay it was a while ago so just don’t tell anyone please, please okay? Don’t tell anyone?” Evan was still sobbing quietly to himself, trying to think about anything other than the situation he was in now.
“Evan? Please, please we need to talk about this. We need-” Jared was scrambling for answers for what to say. He had no idea how to handle this situation. My friend just told me he takes antidepressants and has attempted suicide, there’s not exactly a how-to for that kind of conversation.
“What do we need to do Jared? What we need to do? Because right now I just need to go home okay? I just need to go home, and you just need to not tell anyone about this and forget I ever said anything and just let me go home.” He needed a way out. It was only a matter of time until Jared told his mom. That means it was only a matter of time until his mom would get home.
It was only a matter of time until he wouldn’t be able to try again.
“You aren’t going home Evan,” Jared said with a confidence he didn’t know he had.
“Wha-” Evan’s low bubbling anger was cancelled out by the noise of the bell going off, Well so much for a calm and silent 45 minutes.
“I need to go,” Evan said, grabbing his stuff and standing from his seat.
“You said you didn’t think you should be alone with yourself right now, and you’re off your antidepressants? I really don’t think going home and being alone for the next 8 hours is what’s best for you.” Jared tried his hardest to sound convincing, but really he was just scared. He was so, so , scared of losing Evan. And he thought he had a pretty good idea of what Evan planned to do if he was home alone.
“Well good thing it’s not your decision.” Evan slid his chair into the quiet library table and walked off. He felt the ever present tears on his cheeks and clogging up his throat. Just get home. Just get home. Get through the library doors, and to the back exit and walk home.
“Evan! Evan come back! Please! I’m not letting you alone right now!” Jared yelled across the empty library. People had long since gotten to their 5th period classes, so in this dark, desolate hallway in the back of the school, they were alone.
“Why Jared? Why do you care so much? Because the last thing I remember is you just needing me for your car insurance! Us, just being ‘family friends’! And you clearly not caring if I killed myself tonight!”
Shit.
Silence.
“You really think that?” was all Jared could muster. Had he really been that bad of a friend? Evan really thought that Jared cared so little about him? It’s just, Jared deflects. It wasn’t an excuse for how he acted, but sometimes he just couldn’t deal with how he felt about Evan, and it’s just hard.
But that isn’t what is important right now. Evan is what’s important. It’s the only thing that’s important.
“What else am I supposed to think Jared? You constantly tell me that we aren’t real friends! Just because you find out that I’m suicidal doesn’t mean you have to go and feel obligated to care about me-”
“I do care about you Evan. Just, fuck, I’m sorry. I’m so so so sorry. About everything I’ve ever done to hurt you. And I know that’s a fucking lot. You deserve a friend that’s so much better than me; Someone who isn’t an ass when they’re trying to be nice and knows how to deal with your panic attacks and doesn’t, fuck , make jokes about their friend jumping out of a tree. I’m so sorry Evan, but please. Please just if you go home, let me come with you. I just, need to make sure you don’t do anything because believe it or not you matter to me so much, and I don’t know what I’d do without you.” Jared is crying by the time he stops talking. He has since crossed the library, and his hand was wrapped around Evan’s wrist, preventing him from leaving.
“Do you really mean it? You ser-seriously care, like if I-” Evan was a mess, he couldn’t breathe and tears were coating his cheeks, but this was the nicest thing Jared had said to him in God knows how long. It felt nice.
“Yes, fuck Evan I would definitely fucking care if you tried to kill yourself. I need you Evan, so please , please don’t leave me.” Jared moved his hand from Evan’s wrist to his shoulder, and pulled him into a bone crushing hug. He felt Evan deflate again him, and soon his tears were soaking through Jared’s shirt, but he couldn’t have cared less.
“Can we go home?” Evan said into Jared’s shoulder. It broke Jared’s heart hearing Evan talk like that, so broken, so small, but it’s alright, because he had him right here. He squeeze Evan a little tighter and rubbed circles into his back.
“Of course Ev, let’s go,” Jared took Evan and quietly led him out through the back entrance of the school. Soon they got to the parking lot they held Jared’s mom old minivan she gave him. Evan was confused as to how it got here, because for as much as he could recall of this morning, Jared took the bus to school.
“J- Jare? Um, n-not to intrude or anything but uh, why is your car h-here?” Evan stuttered out. He and Jared just now seemed to be able to talk again, and Evan really didn’t want to mess that up by asking stupid questions.
“Oh, uh yeah. Y’know how my house is only like two blocks away? Well, funny story but I uh, ditched last period and walked home, and got it. Y’know, in case uh,” Jared appeared to be blushing by the end of his explanation. “In case you wanted me to give you a ride home.” Jared looked at Evan with his rosy cheeks and smiled.
Evan couldn’t help smiling back at Jared, but a small thought prickled the back of his mind. It was only just than that Evan remembered their stuff.
“Sh-shit Jared? My stuff it-it’s in my locker a-and I need it fo-for my projects. This was a b-bad idea we should g-go back, shit.” Evan’s breathing quicken again. Could he not have one moment? But that’s when Jared grabbed his hands for the second time that day.
“Ev? Evan, it’s okay, I’ll go back and go to your locker and get your stuff. It’s no big deal. Just breathe with me.” Jared smiled at him, and God if that didn’t make him feel better.
“Oh, o-okay Jare, uh, thanks? For everything. You didn’t have to do this or calm me down earlier or even stick around after I yelled at you, I mean, just, thank you, so much.” Evan gripped Jared’s hands tighter and wiped at the tears still sitting on his face.
“It’s okay, remember, I care Evan. Don’t feel like you need to apologize for everything. Alright? I’ll be back in a minute or two I'll just grab the stuff from your locker and then we can head home, okay?” Jared quirked a smile at Evan, handed him his phone, (something about letting Evan listen to music so he wouldn’t start overthinking) and left to grab their stuff.
Once the car door was shut and Jared was on his way back in the building, Evan finally felt himself process everything that had happened today. Tears sprung back into his eyes as he felt absolutely overloaded with sheer emotion. But, deep breaths. Deep breaths. They’d be home soon. He’d be alright.
Jared came back in the car with both of their backpacks and a dopey grin.
“Ready to go home?” He asked as he hesitantly laid his hand in the center of the two seats, as almost a silent plea for Evan to take his hand.
“More than anything.” Evan took his hand. Maybe today could get better. Maybe him and Jared can become close again. Maybe, Evan will have good time at his house, and he’ll forget about his original plans.
Maybe, everything will be okay.