Work Text:
”Diane,” he said and placed the recorder on the dashboard, “it’s six pm, light wind, clouds. No snowing. It was snowing all morning and I had some trouble trying to get to work. I’m not yet sure how these people cope with all this snow. But it’s fascinating. The snow goes everywhere, absolutely everywhere, Diane, and – sorry. I know I’ve talked a lot about snow lately. You remember how I get excited about new things. By the way, thank you for the postcard. I have it on my cupboard now. You’d laugh if you happened to see it, which I hope you will, Diane. I’ve told you that you can visit me. Anyway, I’m driving back home. Tomorrow is Christmas, as you probably remember. I told Harry, I mean Sheriff Truman, that I’d be happy to write a few reports. You know how I’m with Christmas, Diane. But Harry told me to stay away from the station and do something nice, so that’s what I’m going to try to do. I haven’t yet decided, what. Maybe I’ll rent a movie. Or maybe I’ll take a walk. Or maybe I’ll build a snowman. There’re just so many possibilities, Diane, and –“
He took a deep breath and then turned the recorder off. Surely Diane would be able to tell that he was lying. Or perhaps it didn’t count as lying if you wished you were sincere about it. If only had he managed to take some work home with him, but Harry had been watching him too closely.
He had been planning to drive straight home, but there were Christmas lights everywhere in the town and his home would be dark and empty and also he had a pile of dishes in the sink. He parked the car in front of Norma’s diner and walked in before he could talk himself out of it. Thank God the place was open. Perhaps he could come here tomorrow as well.
“Cooper,” Shelly said and winked at him. “You know we aren’t open tomorrow, don’t you?”
“Yes,” he said. The diner was almost empty, but the good thing was that at least his seat wasn’t taken. “Shelly, do you happen to know if Annie’s coming here for Christmas?”
“Cooper, I don’t think she’s coming back,” Shelly said and poured him some coffee. “Don’t tell me you still miss her.”
“Not like that, Shelly. It’s just…”
“Christmas,” Shelly said. “I think I have some cherry pie left. Do you want some?”
“Yes, I do. Thank you, Shelly. Is Norma here?”
“She went home early. They’re so excited about Christmas, her and Ed, I don’t know if it’s sweet or a little…”
“Do you have any plans?” he asked even if he really didn’t want to. But he had to say something. Otherwise Shelly would get back to her work and he’d have to drink his coffee and go home.
“Well, Bobby and I are going to go over his place,” Shelly said. “I’m a bit nervous, you know. About his parents.”
“They adore you, Shelly,” he said.
“So, Agent Cooper,” Shelly began, and he didn’t bother to remind her that he wasn’t exactly an agent now. But he had been one of Harry’s deputies for more than seven months now and they still called him a special agent. He’d begun to wonder if it was some kind of a joke, but also he liked it.
“Yes?”
“What kind of plans do you have for Christmas?”
“None,” he said, “none whatsoever. I’m going to be home watching TV.”
“But,” Shelly said and frowned, “surely you have someone –“
“I’m not a big fan of Christmas, Shelly. I’d rather work but Harry won’t let me.”
“Harry won’t let you?” Shelly said and passed him another piece of the pie. “That’s odd.”
“Why?” he asked. Just one more piece of a cherry pie. Then he’d stand up and wish Shelly a very nice Christmas like a decent human being, and he’d walk to his car and go home and stay there for the next two days. Unless something bad happened in the town, nothing too bad, perhaps a bar fight, and Harry would call him and ask for help. That was certainly possible.
“Because Harry works through Christmas,” Shelly said. “Every year. And every year Lucy tries to talk him out of it but he won’t listen. One would think that he’d be glad to have some company.”
“Oh,” he said and blinked. “Oh. Thank you for the coffee, Shelly. And for the pie. And for everything.”
“I don’t even know what I did,” Shelly said, looking slightly worried.
“Don’t worry about that,” he said and stood up. “Happy Christmas, Shelly.”
“You can take the rest of the pie if you want to. I don’t think we’re going to have any more customers this evening.”
He thought about arguing but then again, he was a little hungry. “Thank you, Shelly. I appreciate it.”
Shelly was still looking worried, when he walked out of the door and to the car. It had started snowing again and the car was quickly turning white. He opened the door and some snow fell down on the seat but he didn’t have the time to care about that. There was a good chance that Harry was still at the station, and it would be a lot less awkward to talk to him there than to follow the man home.
He drove back slightly too fast but he wasn’t going to give himself a ticket, not now at least. Maybe later. The lights were still on. He parked the car into a pile of snow and then walked the stairs carefully, because they were uncomfortably slippery at the moment. Andy had fallen yesterday and it had seemed quite painful. The front door was locked, so he knocked on it and tried to find his keys. He had probably let them in the car. That was bad. He turned and went to get his keys, and when he got back, Harry was standing in the doorway.
“I told you to take a day off,” Harry said.
“Tomorrow,” Dale said, “you told me to take a day off tomorrow. When it’s Christmas. Harry, Shelly told me you work through every Christmas.”
Harry looked unhappy but not very surprised. “She did?”
“Yes. I’m going to come in now, Harry.”
“No, you aren’t,” Harry said. “Go home, Coop. I’m not going to let you work through Christmas.”
“Harry, let me in,” Dale said, but Harry was looking as stubborn as ever. Fine. He patted Harry on the side and the man stepped aside probably before realizing he was going to do it. “Thank you.”
“That was cheating,” Harry said. “I’m your boss, Coop.”
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”
“I’m not uncomfortable,” Harry said and followed him through the corridor. “Coop, where’re you going? You have to go home. It’s Christmas. People don’t work at Christmas if they don’t have to.”
“So,” he said, walked to the conference room and placed the cardboard box with the rest of Shelly’s cherry pie onto the middle of the table, “what are you doing here, Harry?”
“I don’t like Christmas.”
“I don’t like it, either. Would you like to have some cherry pie, Harry?”
“No, thank you. Coop, please, go home.”
“I don’t know what it is about Christmas,” he said and sat down, and Harry leaned his palms against the table and looked at him. “I don’t think I am, generally speaking, a melancholic person. I’d say that I’m quite cheerful. Wouldn’t you say that I’m cheerful, Harry?”
“Yeah,” Harry said. “Coop, maybe you could call someone. Maybe your father or –“
“But Christmas, Christmas. I get sad every Christmas. I don’t know why. I really don’t. It’s been like that ever since mum died.”
Harry took a deep breath and then sat down at the other side of the table. “I’m sorry.”
“Just let me work. I can write your reports for you, Sheriff.”
“Don’t call me Sheriff,” Harry said, “I’m not in the mood. And I was planning to write all my missing reports tomorrow. And maybe drink some whiskey.”
“I’ll drink whiskey with you, Harry,” Dale said and then frowned, “or actually I won’t drink whiskey. I don’t like it. But I can drink coffee. And I won’t tell Lucy that we were drinking.”
“It isn’t drinking if it’s coffee, Coop. And I think Lucy knows. And I don’t think I’m going to be good company.”
“I’m staying, Harry. I think we could spend the night here. I don’t want to go home and come back tomorrow and find that you aren’t going to let me back in.”
“You don’t want to go home?”
He opened his mouth and then closed it again.
“We have to go,” Harry said after a short silence, “I don’t have any food in here. Except donuts.”
“Donuts will do.”
“There isn’t enough. We won’t make it.”
“We have cherry pie.”
“Coop, I don’t know why you’re sad at Christmas, but I’ll be sadder. Every Christmas it just gets me somehow. My life, I mean. And everyone else seems so happy. And all the songs they play in the radio –“
“We still have time,” he said, “to go to the supermarket. We could buy food. I’m sure you realize that I’m as stubborn as you are, Harry.”
“No, you aren’t.”
“Yes, I am.”
“Coop.”
“Harry.”
“You’re going to win this, Coop.”
“I know,” he said and couldn’t help smiling. He was going to spend Christmas with Harry. Maybe they could avoid calling it Christmas and pretend that it was any other day, only all the shops were closed and people were at home with their families and friends and there were no crimes to solve. “You can come to my place if you want to. It’s going to be slightly uncomfortable to sleep here at the station. But we can do it if you want to.”
“No,” Harry said, staring at him.
“No what?”
Harry sighed. “I have a place. A cabin. We could go there.”
“A cabin?”
“Yeah. I don’t have enough reports to write for the both of us. But if you’re going to stick with me anyway –“
“I am,” he said, “I definitely am.”
“We could buy some food and go to the cabin.”
“Harry,” he said, “I’d like that. I’d like that very much.”
Harry was looking at him as if trying to decide if this was worth it. But he wasn’t going to give Harry a chance to try to argue this again. He stood up and took the box with the cherry pie and then walked out of the conference room, and in the corridor he held his breath. After a few silent seconds, Harry’s footsteps followed him, thank God.
“Your car or mine?” he asked, when Harry had locked the front door. It seemed that the snowing had got more intense.
“Mine,” Harry said, “your car won’t make it.”
“Really?”
“There’s going to be a lot of snow,” Harry said. “Coop, are you sure about this?”
“Harry, you invited me to your cabin. You can’t take that back now.”
“I’m not taking that back,” Harry said, looking absolutely uncomfortable. “Fine. Can you cook?”
“Not really.”
“We’re going to need some take-away,” Harry said and started walking to his car with steps that were hard to keep up with. “And donuts. And coffee. And whiskey.”
**
Shelly seemed a bit surprised, when they walked through the door. She didn’t say anything, though, and Dale had a cup of coffee when she prepared Harry’s order. Luckily the cook hadn’t left yet because otherwise they’d have been in trouble. Harry kept sighing but perhaps the man just worried about whether they’d have time to get that whiskey. And the snow kept falling so dense that sometimes when Dale caught a glance at the window and the light was just right, he thought everything had gone white.
When they had enough food to get through the next two days and Harry also had his whiskey, Dale said he needed to get a few things from his place. It turned out that he had some trouble finding comfortable clothes, and when he was searching every cupboard and closet, he had an oddly intense fear that Harry would just go and leave him here. And then he’d call the station and Harry’s home, but Harry wouldn’t answer, and he’d have to spend the next two days watching bad television and drinking coffee by himself. He almost forgot his toothbrush and then rushed through the flat to the front door. Harry’s car was still there.
“What’s wrong?” Harry said, when Dale opened the side door and climbed in.
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
He took a deep breath. Harry started the car. “I thought you might leave without me.”
Harry glanced at him. “Really? With all the food?”
He cleared his throat. “Well, yes. I’m sure you could eat all that alone.”
“Of course I could,” Harry said. “I’m not going to take off without you, Coop. Don’t worry.”
“Good.”
The roads were quiet. The trees were covered in snow but looked still magnificent.
“Coop?” Harry said, when they’d been silent for a good while and the road had took a turn to the woods.
“Yes, Harry?”
“I didn’t thought you wouldn’t like Christmas.”
He leaned the back of his head against the seat. “Harry, I don’t know why I don’t like Christmas.”
“But is everything -,” Harry said and then cleared his throat, “is everything alright, Coop? You aren’t having…”
“Having what, Harry?”
“Problems. With… relationships. Or family. Something like that.”
“I don’t have relationships, Harry.”
“You don’t?” Harry said and glanced at him. “Because of what happened the last time?”
“I don’t know.”
“But Annie is alright. You know that, Coop. Ed told me that Norma told him that she seems almost happy. She just doesn’t have time to come here.”
“I remember how she looked at me at the diner the day before she left,” he said and bit his lip. “I don’t know why I’m talking about this, Harry.”
“I asked. Just keep talking. It’s going to be just the two of us for two whole days and I don’t really have so many topics that I can talk about.”
“Well,” he said and tried not to think about Annie, only it was a bit difficult now that he was talking about Annie, “she was so pretty. Like when I first met her. And she looked at me as if she saw straight through me. As if she wasn’t really looking at me but rather… at that place.”
“That place.”
“Yes. As if seeing me took her right back there. And I had this odd ache in my chest, Harry. Maybe I was holding my breath. But it felt like my heart was breaking a little.”
“Oh,” Harry said and took a sharp breath, “oh. I’m sorry, Coop. And I’m sorry I asked.”
“Don’t be. It doesn’t hurt anymore, my heart, I mean. Now I think that I’m just mildly disappointed at myself for falling in love with her when clearly I shouldn’t have. I put her in danger. Clearly I shouldn’t have fallen for her.”
“We’re all like that, Coop,” Harry said in a quiet voice.
He glanced at Harry and then closed his eyes. He had called Annie a few times, not to get her back, of course, but to ask her if she was fine. Every time she had sounded like she wanted to end the conversation as quickly as possible.
“But you aren’t in love with her anymore,” Harry said, “are you?”
“No.”
“Good,” Harry said and then cleared his throat. “Do you think Audrey Horne still has a crush on you?”
Dale almost laughed. “What? No. Harry, you can’t just ask me about Audrey Horne.”
“I’m happy that she’s recovered,” Harry said, his voice perfectly serious, “but the last time that we saw her at the diner, I swear she was giving you long glances. But you didn’t notice, Coop.”
“I didn’t notice?”
“You were drinking your coffee,” Harry said, “and talking to me about something. I don’t remember what it was.”
“Something very clever, I suppose.”
“You’re always clever, Coop. I don’t know how you do it.”
“Harry, Audrey Horne doesn’t have a crush on me. And she’s eighteen years old.”
“I know, I know. But she had.”
“Once,” Dale said and glanced at Harry, “once she came to my hotel room, I mean, I walked in and she was there, in my bed.”
“What the –“
“Eyes on the road, Harry.”
“But what the hell did you –“
“I left for a few minutes and she got dressed and then we talked a little. She really just needed a friend.”
“A friend. So, does that happen a lot? Do you often walk to your room and there’s a beautiful woman in your bed?”
“A girl,” he said, “a seventeen-year-old girl. I was a bit upset afterwards, Harry. Of course I knew I wouldn’t have done anything with her. But sometimes it’s… I’m sometimes quite lonely. And she would’ve kissed me, Harry. And else.”
“You’re lonely?”
“Aren’t you?”
Harry took a deep breath. The road was getting narrow and Dale hadn’t recognized the scene for a while now.
“Of course I’m lonely,” Harry said. “But Coop, you’re… you’re the kind of a man who finds women waiting him in his bed in a hotel room.”
“Just once, Harry, just once. And you know that I’m strange.”
“Yeah, well, I don’t know what that has to do with it.”
“I think,” Dale said and then swallowed, because surely he shouldn’t say this, but Harry wasn’t even looking at him now and also he had already started, “I think I had this idea that Twin Peaks would fix that, fix me. Because this is a weird place. I thought I’d fit in and then I’d… I don’t know, be less lonely.”
“You fit in, Coop,” Harry said, “of course you do.”
“Maybe. But I don’t still have anyone to spend Christmas with.”
“What do you think I am, a ghost? Come on, Coop. We’re here.”
He blinked. Harry stopped the car in front of a small cabin that was buried deep in the snow. There were trees everywhere. When Dale opened the door, he soon found out that the snow climbed him up to his knee.
“You’re going to need better shoes,” Harry said, looking slightly amused.
“You could’ve told me.”
“I thought you noticed it was snowing, city boy,” Harry said and smiled at him. Both of his socks were already wet, and also he didn’t remember when had been the last time that Harry had smiled like that. “Let’s go in, Coop. We’re going to have to get this place warm.”
“How?”
“By building a fire,” Harry said, still grinning. “Don’t worry. The place is so small that it’ll only take a few hours.”
“A few hours?”
“I have blankets”, Harry said and walked to the cabin. Dale tried to keep up but Harry was better at walking in the knee-deep snow than him. “I’ve actually never been here at Christmas. I don’t know why. Maybe I felt stupid about coming here by myself.”
“But you have family.”
“Well, my brother has been out of town for years now,” Harry said and opened the front door, “and my father is… I don’t know. We’ve never known how to talk about anything.”
“And your mother…”
“Been dead for years now,” Harry said and turned the light on. It flickered. Dale followed Harry inside the cabin that actually seemed to be only one room. There were dark wooden walls and a small kitchen counter and a fridge that looked like it was from the 70’s, and one bed.
“The place looks good.”
“You’ve never seen a cabin like this, have you?”
“No.”
“This was my favorite place as a kid. We used to come here and have walks in the woods and go fishing.”
“I’m glad you took me here, Harry.”
“Well, I’m going to build the fire,” Harry said. “You could shovel us a path to the car if you want to.”
He blinked.
“Just try it,” Harry said, looking like he was trying not to smile. “At least you’re going to be warm. But take the boots from under the coat rack. And take my coat. Yours looks like it’s meant to look good.”
“I’m sure –“
“Trust me in this, Coop,” Harry said and then knelt down in front of the fire place.
Snow turned out to be surprisingly heavy. Dale tried to make a path wide enough for the both of them to walk side by side, but soon it became clear that he had been a bit too ambitious about his goal. When he finally reached the car, the path was so narrow he barely could walk it without stepping into the snow. Harry’s boots were too big for him but Harry’s coat smelled like Harry, which was surprisingly nice. Maybe he was lonelier than he had realized.
When he went back to the cabin, it was slightly warmer. He took off his boots and Harry told him to change into dry socks and then gave him a pair. He didn’t give up the coat and Harry didn’t ask him to.
Later, they ate something and Harry made him coffee on the stove and then laughed at him when he asked where the toilet was. It had already gotten dark outside and he thought the woods were watching him when he walked across the small clearing to the wooden house that was just big enough that he could sit down and still close the door. There was a Harry S. Truman carved on the door. He looked at the carving, and then went back to the cabin and didn’t answer when Harry asked him how the toilet had been.
**
“You sure you don’t want any?”
“No, thank you,” he said, and Harry put the bottle of whiskey back to the upper shelf and sat down on the bed, even though surely they both would have fit on the sofa.
“Don’t you drink at all?”
“I drink,” he said and swallowed, “alcohol. I drink alcohol sometimes. But I feel like it dulls my senses.”
“That’s what it’s for, Coop,” Harry said but kept staring at his glass. “But of course you’re right. It’s a nasty habit. I suppose you remember what I was like when Josie –“
“Yes, I remember.”
“Sometimes I think that I just never learned to handle things,” Harry said in a quiet voice, “you know, feelings and such. I figured out that getting drunk kind of fixed everything for a moment, or didn’t fix but made it softer somehow.”
“I realize that, Harry. And I don’t –“
“I wish I was more like you.”
“Don’t wish that.”
“You’re like a cat. You always land on your feet.”
“I really don’t,” he said and took a deep breath. It was completely dark outside, as if the whole world had disappeared and all that was left was Harry and him somewhere in the middle of the woods. “Harry, I don’t think I have a home.”
“What? Don’t you –“
“My place is fine,” he said quickly, “well, it has minor problems with the heating. But it’s fine. I meant that I envy you. Twin Peaks is your home.”
“It’s your home, too, Coop,” Harry said intently, staring at him over the glass of whiskey.
“But you have… roots. You have your house, and you have family living here, and you have this cabin.”
“You can come here anytime you want. Dad barely comes here these days.”
“Thank you,” he said, “but I didn’t mean…”
“You could buy a house,” Harry said, “I can help you find one. Perhaps you should move nearer to my place. We could go fishing. And you can just come over if you are lonely.”
Dale opened his mouth and then swallowed. Certainly he hadn’t meant that, either, but it was surprisingly easy to imagine Harry and him on the boat.
“I was so glad that you stayed,” Harry said and took a sip of his whiskey, “I didn’t think you would and I was so glad when you did. And when you told me that you wanted to work for me.”
“And Gordon kept calling you,” Dale said.
“Yeah. Always the same thing. I know he’s brilliant, Sheriff, and I see why you want to keep him, but I need him back. I think he missed you.”
“We had a good talk a couple of months ago, when he came to visit.”
“So that’s why the phone calls have stopped.”
“I miss him, too. And the work. But I don’t regret it.”
“Are you sure?”
“No,” he said and laughed in a dry voice. “No, I’m not. The FBI always kept me busy. Now I sometimes have too much time. I’ve been trying to read a lot, you know, to keep my mind occupied. But sometimes I realize I’m home in the evening, just sitting in my armchair, and I’m just…”
“Lonely,” Harry said, watching him. “Coop, you should’ve said something.”
“It’s not your job to look after me.”
“Listen,” Harry said, “last spring, I hired this brilliant man, an ex-FBI special agent. Couldn’t believe my luck. Of course I want him to be happy so that he keeps working for me.”
“Harry –“
“And he’s my friend,” Harry said. “You’re my friend, Coop.”
“I know that. I appreciate that.”
“So, you haven’t... you aren’t… there’s not anyone that you like right now.”
“I like you.”
Harry smiled at him. “I meant different kind of liking.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah,” Harry said, “oh. So, do you?”
“No. I don’t think so.”
“Maybe we’re just getting old,” Harry said and then glanced at him, “well, I know you’re younger than me. But the both of us… the most at our age already have a wife. And children.”
“I don’t really worry about that.”
“Me, neither,” Harry said and drank some whiskey, “of course not. But it’s just… no one has stuck with me. And sometimes I wonder –“
“It’s not about you,” Dale said, “trust me. I’d be happy to get stuck with you.”
“You don’t mean that,” Harry said but smiled anyway. “You know, when you first came here, sometimes I just couldn’t figure out what you were saying. And your way of thinking was just so… I couldn’t follow you.”
“It’s not you, Harry, it’s me.”
“But I liked you, of course. I liked you right away. You were so… you kept talking about trees and coffee and things like that and at the same time you were brilliant at what you did.”
“Harry,” he said and cleared his throat, “Harry, do you miss Josie?”
Harry looked slightly surprised. “What?”
“You asked me if I liked anyone.”
“Yeah,” Harry said slowly, “I did. I think I need more whiskey.”
“You were in love with her.”
“Yeah. But I… I don’t remember anymore what that felt like.”
The fridge murmured. Harry glanced at the cupboard, probably because the bottle of whiskey was there, and then at him.
“I was so sad when she died,” Harry said, “and then I forgot. I don’t realize how that’s possible. It should’ve been more difficult.”
“I don’t think it works like that.”
“But if I really loved her,” Harry said, staring at him, “shouldn’t it have taken longer?”
“I don’t know. Harry –“
“I think I always knew she was going to leave me. Of course I didn’t think she’d die. But I knew she wasn’t going to stay with me.”
“No, you didn’t.”
Harry blinked. “What?”
“You didn’t know that. You can’t know a thing like that.”
“She was… Coop, she was different. A little like you. Different than everyone else here. Of course she wouldn’t have stayed with me.”
Dale opened his mouth, but Harry stood up and went to pour himself a little more whiskey. It had to be late already. Maybe they should go to sleep. But Harry was rubbing his hair with one hand and swaying the glass of whiskey with the other, and sighing.
“You’re strange, too, Harry,” Dale said, even though he certainly didn’t know if it was the right thing to do or not, “you’re different, too. You’re kind to everyone. Remember when Albert first came to the station? You were kind to him for a long time.”
“Yeah, well, and then I punched him.”
“And you trusted me. Right in the beginning. You trusted me for the whole time. Many wouldn’t have.”
Harry laughed. “I can imagine that.”
“When I asked you to lock Leland in the cell, you did it. Surely it seemed weird. But I asked you and you did it.”
“I remember,” Harry said, “you whispered it in my ear. I kind of didn’t have a chance to ask for an explanation.”
“We’re a good team, Harry”, he said, “we’re a very good team. No wonder Gordon is jealous.”
“He’s not jealous,” Harry said in a somewhat soft voice, “he misses you. I get that. I’d miss you too, if you left.”
Dale nodded. He should probably say that he wouldn’t leave, not anytime soon, but Harry was looking straight at him and his mouth felt oddly dry.
“Maybe we should go to sleep,” Harry said. “Drinking makes me tired.”
“Yes, of course,” Dale said and then looked around. “Harry, where do I sleep?”
Harry blinked. “What?”
“It’s just… I don’t think you want me in the bed. But I can probably fit on the sofa. You said you have blankets.”
Harry frowned.
“Harry?” Dale said after a while.
“I have blankets,” Harry said slowly, “but, Coop, we can easily fit in the bed. You don’t have to take the sofa.”
He stared at Harry. Harry drank the rest of the whiskey and then took his hat off.
“Really?”
“Coop,” Harry said, “I don’t mind. But if you do, of course you can sleep on the sofa.”
“I don’t mind.”
“Well, then,” Harry said and stood up.
A little later, they were in the bed, covered in blankets. It would’ve been completely dark if not for the dim glow of what was left of the fire. Harry told him stories about going fishing as a kid and sometimes he realized he was listening to Harry’s voice more than his words. But Harry didn’t seem to mind.
“Coop?” Harry said, when the stories had already faded into long silences filled with steady breathing.
“Harry?”
“I’m glad that you came back to the station today.”
He swallowed. “Yeah, me, too.”
“Good night, Cooper.”
“Good night, Sheriff.”
Harry laughed but didn’t say anything. Dale turned onto his back, but Harry was right next to him, so near to him that had he moved a little, he’d probably have brushed their arms together. And still he was a little lonely. How strange.
**
He opened his eyes and stared at the dark wooden ceiling. The light behind the window glass was white but it seemed to somehow vanish before it reached the bed. He felt like his face was freezing but the rest of him was still comfortably warm under the pile of blankets. And Harry was lying next to him, eyes closed and mouth ajar. He sat up but kept the blankets, and Harry flinched and then blinked several times before apparently realizing what was happening.
“Coop,” Harry said, “Coop, you are – oh.”
“Good morning, Harry.”
“I slept better than in a long time,” Harry said and then frowned. “Coop, are you cold?”
“Only my face is, Harry.”
Harry laughed. “Give me a moment and I’ll build the fire again. You can stay in bed if you want to.”
“I’m afraid I really have to urinate. Don’t grin at me, Harry. If I freeze out there, you’re going to have to come for me.”
“Just do it fast,” Harry said, “and take my coat. And remember the hood. Your ears look like they’re cold.”
It took almost an hour before the cabin felt moderately warm again. He soon figured out that Harry seemed happier every time he subtly complained about how cold it was in here, so he sat on the sofa covered in blankets and once in a while rubbed his nose that he was genuinely worried of. But the cabin got warmer and his nose survived as well, and Harry made him coffee and sat down on the sofa beside him wearing only his usual clothes and woollen stocking.
“Do you know how to ski?”
He blinked. He had just put the blankets aside but was still wearing Harry’s coat. “Excuse me?”
“Cross-country skiing, Coop? Do you know how to?
“I have seen it on videos.”
“Perfect,” Harry said and smiled at him. “We’re going to try it.”
“Really?” he asked and glanced through the window.
“We can’t just sit here for the whole day.”
“We can’t?”
“You’ll get warm, I promise,” Harry said, still smiling. “And we can take it slow.”
Half an hour later, Dale was beginning to wonder if perhaps Harry enjoyed seeing him uncomfortable in situations that didn’t bother Harry at all. At first, his nose felt as if it was going to freeze again, but then Harry brought him the skiing gear and showed him how everything worked and then personally helped him so that he finally was ready to go, only he couldn’t move without almost falling on his face. He tried to look calm and brave and for some reason that seemed to amuse Harry more. And then Harry grabbed his waist and pushed him forward so that he actually moved a little and didn’t fall, and Harry laughed.
“Harry, I’m mildly confused about what is so amusing.”
“You are,” Harry said. “I wish I had a camera. Come on, Coop, make a few rounds around the cabin and then we’ll go to the woods.”
“The woods?”
“Only for half an hour or so. Or an hour. It’s going to be great.”
“Fine,” Dale said and tried to move one feet at the time. At least the snow was deep so that he couldn’t have moved fast even if he had tried to.
He managed to get around the cabin once, and then he followed Harry to the woods. It was absolutely quiet in there, perhaps even quieter than around the cabin, and sometimes he heard the snow falling down from tree branches. He tried to keep his eyes on Harry’s back so that he wouldn’t lose his balance, but sometimes he just had to stop to look around, and then he called Harry and Harry stopped as well and glanced over his shoulder and looked at him until he was ready to go again. He should remember to thank Harry later. Skiing wasn’t too bad, either, not after half an hour or so when he finally figured out how to move without the constant fear of falling down, and there was something very enjoyable in following Harry Truman through the silent woods without asking questions, only once he dropped his stick and had to ask Harry how he could get it back without falling. Harry turned around, skied to him and picked up the stick for him. There were tiny particles of what seemed to be ice in Harry’s eyelashes.
“You like this,” Harry said to him as he was still staring at Harry’s eyelashes, “don’t you?”
“Yes,” he said. “Yes, I like this.”
“We should have done this sooner,” Harry said, looking happy. “I’ll teach you to ski properly so we can go down the hills.”
“What? You don’t mean –“
“It’s easy when you stop falling. Coop, you have snow on your beanie.”
“I can’t help it. I have to keep my balance.”
“Wait a second,” Harry said and raised his hand. “Close your eyes.”
He closed them. Harry wiped the snow away and some of it fell on his nose but it didn’t really matter anymore because he was surprisingly warm from trying to keep on his feet. And then Harry resettled his beanie for him, and he opened his eyes again and found Harry watching him. Harry cleared his throat.
“Are you hungry?”
“Yes.”
“Maybe we should go back,” Harry said. “You’re so slow that it’ll take ages anyway.”
Dale blinked. Harry smiled at him.
“Sorry. I just… you’re brilliant in everything you do. It’s very comforting to see you do something you have no idea of.”
“I haven’t fallen down in at least twenty minutes, Harry. I thought I was getting good.”
“You are,” Harry said, “of course you are, Coop, don’t worry.”
“And I’m not brilliant in everything I do.”
Harry frowned and opened his mouth.
“I’ve messed up enough times for one person, Harry.”
“No, you haven’t,” Harry said and squeezed his shoulder. He barely felt it through the layers of clothes but still it was somehow very nice. “You’re going to mess up a lot more before all this is over. Come on, let’s go back. I’ll make you coffee.”
“Thank you, Harry.”
“If it wasn’t for you, I’d be sitting in my office, filing reports. Don’t thank me, Coop.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re very stubborn.”
“Harry, I don’t know how to turn on the skis.”
“I’ll show you. We’ll take it slow. Don’t worry.”
**
“Coop?”
He kept staring at the sky. It was very white, also it was snowing again so that he could see how the snowflakes slowly fell until they reached him. He wasn’t cold at all, which was probably because he was wearing everything he could find. But the snow was soft and every time he moved a little, he sank deeper into it. It was nice. Probably he could have fallen asleep like this.
“What’re you doing?” Harry said, stopped beside him and looked down onto him. He blinked.
“Nothing. Harry, this is surprisingly comfortable.”
“I know. Coop, I warmed up the food.”
“Thank you.”
“Are you going to get up and come inside?”
He considered that. From where he was lying in the snow, he could see the tree tops against the sky. They looked magnificent.
“Fine,” Harry said and knelt down. “It’s not like we’re in a hurry.”
“Harry, you don’t have to –“
“Perhaps later the sky is clear,” Harry said and lay down next to him, “so when it’s dark, we can see the stars from here. You’d like that, Coop.”
“Yes, I believe I would.”
“We can come here again, you know. Later. Maybe on weekends.”
He tilted his head in the snow so he could better see Harry’s face. Harry was watching him and not the sky. “I’d like that too, Harry.”
“I know. And we can… Coop, you should come to my place sometimes.”
“Thank you.”
“Don’t thank me. It’s just… I wouldn’t mind the company. And you and me, we are…”
“We are a good team.”
“A very good team. I was so relieved when you decided to stay in Twin Peaks. You wouldn’t know how relieved I was. It was almost funny, like I was terrified of the thought of you leaving and then when you asked me for a job –“
“You seemed really glad.”
“I was so happy,” Harry said in a quiet voice. “And the last spring… Laura’s murder and everything that happened after… I think everything changed, everything. And I was supposed to just keep on doing whatever I had been doing until that, except nothing was the same. Thank God you stayed.”
“Harry –“
“Shut up,” Harry said somewhat softly, “don’t tell me I’m getting sentimental. Just let me tell you that I’m glad you’re here.”
“Harry, you can get as sentimental with me as you wish.”
Harry laughed shortly. “Well, thank you, agent Cooper.”
“Deputy Cooper.”
“Yeah. So, how am I as a boss? Better than Gordon?”
“Gordon didn’t take me to his cabin.”
“It sounds a bit unprofessional when you put it like that.”
“This is completely professional,” Dale said and pushed the back of his head deeper in the snow. He was getting cold but he really didn’t want to move. “And I don’t mind anyway.”
“Good,” Harry said.
**
It turned out that the skiing had been more tiring than he’d have thought. Harry laughed at him and said it was about the lack of exercise, and he told Harry that he exercised a lot, thank you very much, only it normally didn’t include trying to keep on his feet when he had two skis tied to his boots and two sticks in his hands. Harry gave him a paper bag of donuts and he sat on the sofa and ate two by the time Harry had made him more coffee and poured whiskey to one glass. It was dark already and they had managed to spend the whole day somehow. They had played cards for an hour or so and then thought about playing something else, but there was only a chessboard and neither of them wanted to touch that. And then Harry had asked him questions about his career as a special agent and he had told Harry everything he could, and also he had a feeling Harry had guessed some of the things he couldn’t say aloud.
“Coop,” Harry said later, swinging the glass of whiskey from side to side, “Coop, I thought…”
“Harry, you know you can call me Dale if you want to. It’s my name.”
“Okay,” Harry said. “Coop, do you… don’t you miss it?
“Don’t I miss what?”
Harry took a deep breath and leaned the back of his head against the sofa. “I don’t know. Being in love. Falling in love. Women. That kind of things.”
“I… Harry, it didn’t turn out very good for me at the last time.”
“I know,” Harry said and glanced at him, “I know, Coop. But I really… I don’t miss Josie, not exactly, or… this sounds bad. Shit. I miss her, of course I do, sometimes at least, but sometimes… I just… I wish there was someone in my bed.”
“Harry,” he said slowly, “I think that’s quite human.”
“But I don’t really… I don’t think I want a girlfriend. Maybe if I fell for someone. Maybe then. But now that I don’t… I can’t see myself dating anyone, you know, putting on nice clothes and bringing flowers to a pretty woman. And trying to act the best I can so that they won’t take off. I just kind of… I wish there was someone.”
He breathed in and out and tried to figure out what to say. Harry’s left hand was resting on the sofa in between them, so when he couldn’t find anything to say, he placed his hand onto Harry’s.
Harry glanced at him. “What –“
He carefully tangled their fingers together. He was kind of holding Harry’s hand now, but Harry seemed mostly confused and not angry at all.
“Coop,” Harry said and squeezed his hand, “Coop, I think I’m lonely.”
“I know,” he said. “I am too.”
“But you could have… you found Audrey Horne in your bed.”
“Harry, I sincerely wish you won’t bring Audrey Horne up every time we talk about relationships from now on.”
“Of course not,” Harry said with a short smile. “But I mean it. You wouldn’t need to act. Every girl in Twin Peaks would have a crush on you if you only talked to them.”
“Every girl? Harry, I’m in my thirties.”
“Barely,” Harry said and took a sip of his whiskey. “I’m older than you. The women I should date have children from their first marriages.”
“Don’t you like children?”
“I like them when I get to know them. But I don’t know how to be a father. And I don’t think I want to.”
“Harry, I’m sure you could find someone who doesn’t… I don’t know. Someone who doesn’t have kids.”
“And they all leave,” Harry said and closed his eyes, “they all leave eventually. This is a small place. They all go to Seattle or somewhere else and I can’t leave. I wouldn’t know what to do anywhere else. I want to die here.”
“Please, don’t speak about dying.”
“Sorry. Coop, I was trying to say that… surely you could find someone. Easily. If you wanted to.”
“Someone in my bed,” Dale said and glanced at Harry’s bed. “I don’t want to hurt anyone. Every time I fall in love I hurt someone. First Caroline and then Annie. I do it every time.”
“It wasn’t your fault.”
“Yes, it was,” he said and placed his other hand on Harry’s wrist. “I shouldn’t have fallen for them. And if I did, I shouldn’t have done anything about it.”
“You’re the best person I know, Coop,” Harry said and then blinked, “possibly after Hawk. But you are only human.”
“I shouldn’t have been.”
“Well,” Harry said, drank the rest of his whiskey and placed the glass aside, and then grabbed Dale’s wrist, “well, I’m your boss. I’m not going to tell you to start dating those pretty girls who’re trying to hit on you.”
“No one’s trying to hit on me, Harry,” he said. He didn’t exactly know who was holding whose hand anymore. And Harry had his thumb pressed against his wrist as if the man was trying to check if he still had a pulse. “It’s just you and me.”
“You and me,” Harry said.
“Yes. Like now.”
“And you were in my bed,” Harry said, “last night.”
“Yes.”
“And tonight as well. You’re going to be there tonight.”
“Yeah.”
“I like this, Coop,” Harry said in a voice that didn’t sound entirely concentrated. Also, Harry was stroking his wrist a bit clumsy. But it was nice. It was really nice. “I like you.”
“I like you too, Harry,” he said and stared at their hands. When he raised his eyes again, Harry was watching him.
“You do?” Harry said.
“Of course.”
“I could never be with someone like you,” Harry said so quietly he could barely hear it, “someone who’s so… who’s gone to place. And who’s done things. And you know how to talk to anyone. You can probably do anything aside from cross-country skiing. But I think you’d learn that too if you really tried. You can do anything. And your face is…”
He swallowed. Maybe they had eaten too many donuts and too little food and that was why the whiskey made Harry look at him that way. He should’ve told Harry to go to bed but he couldn’t make himself do it. “My face is what?”
“Pretty,” Harry said and laughed soundlessly, “it’s pretty. You have a pretty face, Coop. No wonder Audrey Horne wanted to sleep with you.”
“She actually never said she wanted to –“
“Of course she did,” Harry said and held his hand a bit tighter, “of course she did, Coop. But I don’t mean that it’s because of your face. You are… you are brilliant. Surely you know that. It’s not just about your face.”
“Well,” he said and swallowed, “thank you, Harry.”
“You’re welcome,” Harry said, squeezing his hand and also his wrist. “Coop, I think I drank a bit too much whiskey.”
“Don’t worry. It’s okay.”
”Maybe I shouldn’t have told you that you’re… pretty.”
“It really is okay, Harry.”
“Handsome,” Harry said, watching him, “I should’ve said handsome. It’d’ve been more manly.”
His ears were ringing a little. “Harry, I’m not really worried about… about being very manly.”
Harry blinked. “You aren’t? Of course you aren’t, you are clever and… and… pretty.”
“Okay, Harry.”
“Sorry, Coop, sorry –“
“I think we should go to bed,” he said, because Harry seemed to have some trouble trying to keep his feet from sliding forward on the floor. “And I’m afraid I won’t let you go outside the cabin by yourself now. You might fall asleep and I don’t want to find you frozen.”
“I’m not that drunk, Coop,” Harry said and straightened his back.
“Okay,” he said and tried to gently pull his hands away from Harry’s, but Harry didn’t let him. He blinked.
“I’m not that drunk,” Harry said, looking at him straight in the eyes. “I’m not that drunk, Coop.”
“What?”
“I know what I’m saying,” Harry said and then frowned, “it’s just that I shouldn’t have said it. I’m lonely, Coop.”
“Fine,” Dale said and then stood up and pulled Harry with him. “I’m lonely too, Harry. I think we should brush our teeth.”
It turned out that Harry really wasn’t that drunk. Dale took Harry’s coat but Harry was already at the door. They took a few steps towards the woods, and then he watched from the corner of his eye as Harry unzipped his trousers only slightly clumsily, and he was clumsy, too, because his fingers were already freezing. And when they got back inside, Harry drank two glasses of water and then undressed effortlessly and climbed into the bed with a sigh. Dale sat down on the side of the bed and took off his clothes and then quickly covered himself with blankets, and then he waited for a while but Harry didn’t say anything.
“Harry?”
“Coop?”
“You really think I’m pretty.”
“Fuck you,” Harry said very softly. “Of course you’re pretty. But don’t remind me that I told you that.”
“Several times.”
“Several times,” Harry said and sighed. “Good night, Coop.”
“Good night, Harry,” he said, but he couldn’t fall asleep. Obviously he was glad that Harry found him pretty. Anyone would have been. And he was quite certain that Harry genuinely cared about him. And he cared about Harry, of course he did. He wouldn’t have stayed in Twin Peaks if not for Harry’s friendship. They were good friends, Harry and him. And lonely.
“Harry?” he said after a while. First he thought that Harry had really fallen asleep, but then Harry’s shoulders flinched and the man turned onto his back and looked at him.
“Yeah?”
“I’m a little cold.”
Harry watched him for a long time and then raised the corner of his blanket. “Just come here, Coop.”
He settled himself as close to Harry as he dared to. Their shoulders were barely touching. Then Harry sighed and placed a hand on his shoulder and drew him nearer. Harry smelled of coffee and whiskey and sweat, and also he felt Harry’s every breath under his arm, because there was no other place to put it than on Harry’s chest and stomach. But Harry didn’t seem to mind even if the man wasn’t breathing exactly steadily. And Harry had his fingers in Dale’s neck. It seemed that Harry was trying not to mess his hair.
“This is weird,” he said after a while.
“You said you were cold.”
“Weird but nice. This is nice, Harry.”
“Shut up and sleep,” Harry said but his voice sounded like he was smiling.
**
In the morning he found himself sleeping in what could’ve been called Harry Truman’s arms. He blinked. He was lying on his side and his back was pressed against Harry’s stomach. Harry was holding his waist and also the man was snoring into the back of his neck.
He placed a hand on Harry’s. Harry’s hand was very warm. And big. A bit different than other hands he had held in his life. But he didn’t feel cold or lonely, and he really, really liked Harry Truman.
“Coop?” Harry said a little later and then flinched. “Coop?”
“Yes?” Dale said and kept his hand on Harry’s. He thought Harry would pull back any moment now, but instead the man kept so still there was no way he was breathing.
“What the –,“ Harry said in a low voice. “I’m sorry, Coop, I’m… I was drunk, and you were right there, and…”
“Do you want me to go?”
“No,” Harry said with a sharp breath, “of course I don’t want you to go, Coop, I don’t… But I can’t just… I’m your boss, I can’t just… It’s the same than if you had… with Audrey –“
“No, of course it’s not,” he said and stroked Harry’s fingers. “I’m not underage.”
Harry laughed breathlessly. “You aren’t underage.”
“And I… Harry, I came to bed with you.”
“Yeah,” Harry said slowly, “because you couldn’t fit on the sofa.”
“And I said I was cold.”
“You were cold.”
“Obviously,” Dale said. His face was already freezing again but otherwise he was very warm, and also Harry’s arm was still on his waist. “But I also wanted you to hold me.”
He heard Harry holding his breath. “You wanted –“
“Of course I wanted you to hold me,” he said. “But I can never mention it again if that’s what you want.”
“No,” Harry said very quietly, “I don’t want that either.”
“So, what do you want?” Dale asked and moved a little, and then he froze. Harry took a very sharp breath and tried to back away, but he grabbed Harry’s wrist.
“I’m sorry,” Harry said, “I’m sorry, Coop, it just happens in mornings, I don’t… I’m sure it’s not about you, or… actually it might be. Oh, shit. Coop, just let go of my hand and I’ll go and –“
He let go, and then he watched as Harry pushed the blankets aside and rushed to the door tucking his underpants. Harry didn’t even take the coat. Dale sat up on the bed and then bit his teeth together and set the blankets aside. If Harry could go outside without a coat, he could go outside without his trousers. And he didn’t want to get too dressed just in case that Harry would like to go back to the bed.
Harry was already walking back to the cabin, when he finally got to the door. He was wearing Harry’s coat, and Harry’s eyes flickered between his boot and his thighs and his face, and then Harry placed a hand in front of his own underpants in what seemed a very useless gesture.
“Surely you realize that I know what’s going on,” he said and nodded to the general direction of Harry’s waist. “I have the same.”
“You have the same,” Harry said in a dry voice.
“Pretty much,” he said. “Harry, I wouldn’t be opposite to getting back to bed. It was really warm in there and now I’m freezing.”
Harry just stared at him.
“At least go inside,” he said, “before you suffer serious frost injury.”
“It’s not that cold,” Harry said but walked past him anyway.
When Dale got back in, Harry was standing in the middle of the floor with a glass of water in his hands.
“You didn’t get dressed.”
“You said something about the bed,” Harry said. He sounded nervous. “Coop, I don’t know what’s happening.”
“I’ll take my coat off,” Dale said and then frowned, “your coat off. But then I’ll have to go back to the bed. It’s too cold in here.”
“I could build you a fire.”
“Do you want to come back to bed?”
“Yeah,” Harry said very quietly, “yeah, I want to.”
“Good,” Dale said and then took the coat off. Harry’s eyes dropped onto his waist. He walked to the bed and covered himself in blankets. Harry followed him slowly as if trying to decide if this was a joke of some kind. “We could lie down,” he said, when Harry was sitting on the bed next to him.
“Okay,” Harry said. “Coop, I’m not just lonely. It’s not only about that. I also like you. I really like you.”
“I know. I like you, too.”
“You’re probably the best person I know,” Harry said and then swallowed visibly. “I think I told you this last night.”
“You did,” Dale said. They were lying down now. Harry was watching him. He still had the blankets. He moved closer to Harry so that the blanket covered them both, and also their knees brushed against each other. And then he placed his hand on Harry’s stomach.
“What’re you doing?” Harry asked in a dry voice.
“Do you want me to stop?”
“No,” Harry said, “no, I don’t, but…”
“But what?”
“I want to kiss you,” Harry said and then looked a bit terrified about having said that aloud. Dale stopped his hand. Harry was taking sharp breaths, in and out, and staring at him with wide eyes. “Whatever you’re doing, Coop, whatever your hand is doing on my… stomach, I like it. I don’t want you to stop. But I really want to kiss you first.”
He leaned forward and kissed Harry on the mouth. Harry seemed slightly surprised but then placed a hand on the back of his neck, and he placed his on Harry’s side, and Harry opened his mouth for him, and he forgot about Harry’s underpants for a while and held Harry’s face instead. Once he thought Harry was laughing silently but when he tried to pull back, Harry just told him to keep going.
It was quite difficult to get his hand into Harry Truman’s underpants. Harry kept telling him to do it but didn’t stay still at all. Maybe the problem was that they couldn’t decide whether they ought to be lying on their sides or if one of them ought to turn onto his back, and which one should it be, and also they couldn’t talk about it because they were kissing. Dale didn’t dare to stop the kissing because what if they never did it again, and Harry didn’t seem eager to stop, either. And finally Harry turned him onto his back and he lay on the bed as Harry placed his knees on the side of his thighs and climbed onto him, and then he tucked Harry’s underpants as down as he could, which was somewhere in the middle of Harry’s thighs. Harry laughed. He would have laughed as well but his throat felt extremely dry. And then he placed his fingers carefully around Harry and Harry’s laughter broke into a ragged breath.
**
“Oh,” Harry said later when they were lying on their backs, “oh fucking hell, we didn’t… we just didn’t…”
“Don’t tell me you’re having second thoughts.”
“Of course I’m not… Coop, I can’t even think right now.”
“Me, neither,” he said and glanced at Harry. Harry’s hair was quite messy and he was still breathing heavily. They had managed to come almost at the same time, which seemed pretty impressive for their first time. And also Harry had pushed his hand away for a while in the middle of it so that he could catch up. “Harry, I believe we just had sex.”
“Oh, fucking – Coop, I know.”
“I liked it,” he said. “I really liked it, Harry. I haven’t had sex, with another person, I mean, since the spring when Annie and I slept together. But that was so different. “
“Coop,” Harry said, placed his hand on the side of his face and followed the line of his jaw, “I should’ve known you’d be of that kind who likes to talk after sex.”
He blinked. “I can be quiet.”
“No, you can’t,” Harry said. “Don’t worry. Just don’t expect that I can talk back to you.”
“You’re doing great. Harry, I don’t want this to be a one-night-thing.”
“I know,” Harry said and stroked his hair. “It’s fine.”
“And I’d like to come to visit you. In your house. We could go fishing.”
“Yeah. Coop, I think I’m going to fall asleep.”
“I’m cold,” he said.
**
They drove back to the town before dark. All the Christmas lights were still on and there was no one in the streets. Harry was drumming his thumbs on the wheel and Dale was watching through the windows. The houses seemed very quiet.
“Where’re we going?” Harry asked, when they had just passed Norma’s diner.
“I don’t know,” Dale said. It was still Christmas – barely, but it counted.
“Come to my place,” Harry said. “We can go to work together tomorrow.”
“You don’t mind?”
“Of course I don’t mind. Do you want to?”
“Yes.”
“Good,” Harry said and turned the car. It was snowing again.