Chapter Text
There's nine circles of stupid. Wasn't there? She thought she vaguely remembered something like that from some literature class in school or something.
And then, there's Crosshairs.
Mikaela realized that he was in a whole different ball park the first time she met him.
Rude, crude, human hating, self serving bastard. His seriously sweet alt mode did absolutely nothing to make him more tolerable. He kind of reminded her of Trent, actually. Good looks that just wasn't enough to make up for the IQ of an unusually stupid donkey and an ugly personality.
And he was her appointed guardian. Marvelous.
Lennox got Ironhide, the Weapons specialist abrasive in his own way, but at least he wasn't just a straight up fucking pain in the ass. She liked Ironhide, always bluntly honest and straight to the point.
She could've gotten Ratchet. He had trained her in basic repairs for frags sake. Why not make her his apprentice/charge? Two flies in one swat. Or something like that.
Sam and Bumblebee were already decided, of course. Nothing to discuss there. Case closed.
And therein lied her problem.
Crosshairs and Bumblebee did not get along. Just like her and Sam, since their breakup, really. And she had abandoned ship and left the Autobots to their own devices, had started a normal life. Without alien robots and geeky boys, and she was was doing just fine...
Then Nitro Zeus and Mohawk came snooping around, trying to lure, coax, kidnap and, when that failed, flat out seduce her to the dark side that was the Decepticon cause. The debacle made it painfully obvious to the Autobots that they couldn't just drop her, like Sam had, if they didn't want complications of the fleshier kind. So she became the convenient solution for the discord in their own group.
Shortly: dump the glitch on the bitch least likely to hang around Sam and his guardian more than absolutely necessary, and "give them some space".
Which was really code for "strand them in a junkyard in Bumfuck, Nowhere, call it protective custody and look away before something explodes so you can claim ignorance of the domestic dispute."
So, here they were.
In the beginning, they mainly stayed away from each other on the opposite ends of the lot, and it was tolerable.
No it wasn't. It was boring and lonely and she hated it. She seriously needed a friend.
While she was a mechanic; in her element in a junkyard, able to keep herself busy, as busy as possible when stranded with a rather hostile alien, tinkering on a few useless projects, after a while things tend to get... weird if you are alone too much.
Like, you start talking to the cars you're stripping for parts, and the toaster when it's having a bad day, burning all the toast and pour way too much rum in your cola. They say that if you drink rum before 10:00 am you're not an alcoholic, you're a pirate. Well, Mikaela was well on her way to becoming 'Captain Junkyard'. She just needed a parrot.
Crosshairs had the right color scheme, and the mouth of a parrot that had been around sailors for far too long... And he almost reached the intelligence level of a parrot. Sometimes, he used tools.
She told him so. Then she wisely ran. The sad remains of an old Mitsubishi Colt came flying over her head, bowling away several other wrecks.
"You're insane! You're supposed to keep me alive!" She yelled.
"I didn't come to this wretched planet to babysit a mouthy fucking squishy!" He shouted back.
"I didn't ask for you to be my guardian! In fact, I didn't ask for a guardian at all, that was Optimus' idea! Don't blame fucking me!"
"I haven't, and never would I ever fuck you!" He snarled.
"Good! I wouldn't even poke you with a stick!"
"Actually, mine is more of a pole!" He sneered, pretending to jerk off a ridiculously sized spike with both his servos and throwing his load on her.
"Fucking pig!" She screamed indignantly.
"Pig, human... All organics! All disgusting, squishy things full of goo! The lot of you!"
"Like you're so much better! Did you think I didn't know about that little leak of yours?! Talk about disgusting glop." Mikaela sneered.
"Frag off!" He roared.
"Oh, ho ho! What's the matter, run out of arguments?! I've seen a Decepticon hold his own longer in a verbal standoff." Mikaela smirked victoriously.
She heard the telltale whining of a gun charging and didn't stick around to see if he'd have the guts to use it.
Mikaela-Crosshairs 1-0
So much for making friends...