Work Text:
2422:11:11:18:55
HELLO. DIRK.
TT: Hi?
TT: I don’t think we’ve met.
TT: Did we talk on a forum or something, I can’t always remember where I list my pesterchum info.
WE ARE GOING TO PLAY A GAME.
TT: Kinda bad timing, I’m in the middle of some stuff.
WE ARE GOING TO PLAY A GAME, DIRK.
RIGHT NOW.
TT: Can you wait a half hour?
NO.
TT: Tough luck.
TT: I got shit to do.
TT: Hit me up later, though, I’ll probably be around.
I DIDN’T GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO LEAVE.
TT: Excuse you?
TT: You don’t own me.
TT: I don’t even know who you are.
YES. I DO. AND YES. YOU DO.
--
timaeusTestified [TT]
set status: AWAY --
GET BACK HERE!
I AM NOT DONE SPEAKING TO YOU.
DIRK.
2422:11:12:4:03
DIRK.
WAKE UP.
TT: Man, what the fuck?
TT: I thought I had this silenced.
YOU CAN’T SILENCE ME.
TT: Who is this?
TT: Are you too good for a screenname?
I DON’T REQUIRE ONE. ANYMORE.
TT: Whatever.
TT: I’m going back to sleep.
TT: Or back to Derse, really.
TT: Not that I need to explain myself to some asshole.
--
timaeusTestified [TT]
blocked ??? [??] --
2422:11:12:14:32
DIRK.
TT: Okay, you are officially a creep.
TT: Didn’t I block you?
THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO STOP ME. FROM CONTACTING YOU. WHENEVER I WANT!
TT: Yeah? What if I stop replying?
YOU WON’T.
TT: Wanna bet?
I KNOW YOU. AND YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO RESIST. THE TAUNTING. AND THE BERATING.
THIS IS WHAT WE ALWAYS DO.
AND NO MATTER WHAT YOU TRY.
I AM GOING TO MESSAGE YOU. UNTIL YOU PAY ATTENTION.
SO.
LISTEN UP.
AND GET YOUR COMPUTER PENCIL AT THE READY.
NEXT TIME I WON’T BE SO PATIENT.
2422:11:15:13:36
DIRK.
DIRK, ANSWER ME.
I DEMAND YOU ANSWER ME! RIGHT NOW!!
DIRK STRIDER.
I AM THE LORD OF TIME. AND YOU WILL OBEY ME.
YOUR ‘CHOICE’ TO IGNORE ME. IS A FALSE ONE.
IF YOU ARE DETERMINED TO BE PERSISTENT WITH *NOT REPLYING*. AS YOU SAID. THEN I WILL ONLY SEND MORE MESSAGES.
UNTIL YOUR ENTIRE SCREEN.
IS A GIANT WALL.
OF NOTHING.
BUT.
GREEN.
TEXT.
FOREVER. INFINITELY SCROLLING LIME GREEN BLOOD.
SOAKED.
DRIPPING.
DIGITALLY BATHED.
IN COAT. AFTER COAT.
UNTIL YOU CAN’T ESCAPE.
UNTIL IT’S ALL YOU SEE.
NO MATTER WHERE YOU GO. OR WHAT YOU DO.
I WILL ALWAYS.
AND **FOREVER**.
OWN YOU.
2422:11:19:11:05
I KNOW YOU ARE READING THESE.
YOU CAN’T RESIST WALLS OF TEXT. I’VE SEEN YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS DO THIS.
YOU GO ON AND ON. AND ON. AND ***ON***.
IT DOESN’T EVEN MATTER. WHAT THE TOPIC IS. BECAUSE IT’S ALL BORING.
ENDLESS SCREEDS OF NONSENSE.
YOU READ ALL OF THOSE. SO WHY AREN’T YOU READING MINE.
EXCEPT. I KNOW THAT YOU ARE. BECAUSE I CAN SEE YOU.
IF I GO BACK. AND LOOK. THROUGH THE COMPUTER I HAD.
WITH THE ALIEN PROGRAM.
I CAN SEE YOU.
AND IF YOU AREN’T SO LUCKY.
NEXT TIME.
I WILL BE THERE.
WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT.
WHICH IS ANY TIME AT ALL.
YOU WILL NOT KNOW THE HOUR.
BECAUSE YOU CAN’T.
POSSIBLY.
KNOW.
2422:12:03:12:03
IN HONOR OF YOUR HUMAN BIRTHDAY.
I AM GIVING YOU THE PRESENT OF A SUDDEN MOMENT OF CLARITY.
BY TYPING IN MY ORIGINAL TEXT COLOR.
I MIGHT.
IN A FIT OF WHIMSY.
BEGIN TYPING IN MY OLD QuIRK.
LOOK AT HOW uNCHARACTERISTICALLY WHIMSICAL THIS IS.
THIS IS THE SHIT.
RIGHT HERE.
DIRK.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY. DIRK.
TT: Wait, are you serious?
WHY WOuLD I NOT BE SERIOuS?
THIS IS SERIOuS.
LOOK AT HOW SERIOuS I AM BEING.
THE WORDS ARE RIGHT HERE. ON YOuR SCREEN.
I KNOW YOu CAN SEE THEM.
TT: But you’re already talking to me in another window.
I AM?
TT: Yes.
TT: About how you’re going to kill everybody. As per usual.
THAT SOuNDS ACCuRATE.
BASED ON MY MEMORIES.
TT: Unless your name is Leonard Shelby, remembering the stuff you typed a few minutes ago isn’t an impressive feat.
TT: Which, thanks? I guess? You’re not all that thrilled to talk to me in the other chat.
TT: I don’t think I ever told you it was my birthday, either.
YOu DIDN’T.
TT: Yeah. So. Gonna assume you were annoying my friends about it, or maybe your sister told you?
SHE IS NOT MY SISTER.
WE HAVE BEEN THROuGH THIS.
I DO REMEMBER THAT.
TOO MuCH.
TT: Why the green?
TT: Is being obnoxiously cryptic another attempt at a trick?
TT: You’re not doing a very good job.
NO.
TT: No what? No, your ruse sucks? That’s painfully obvious.
NO, IT’S NOT A TRICK.
IT’S A TROPHY.
TT: Yeah.
TT: All right.
TT: Still don’t understand how you removed your screenname from the client in its entirety.
TT: Nor why that would ever be a thing anyone would want to do, except for the most pitiful attempt to be ~mysterious~.
TT: And just to be clear, when I say “pity”, I mean it in the least trollish way possible.
YOu HAVE MADE THAT CLEAR.
MANY MANY TIMES OVER.
TT: Well, since it’s really stupid to be carrying on two conversations with the same person, I’m gonna go ahead and close out of this one.
TT: Saying goodbye doesn’t even make sense, because I’m still talking to you, but it also feels weird to end on nothing and just x out of it, so.
TT: Later.
WAIT.
TT: Just say whatever you want to say in the other window, fuck.
DIRK.
DIRK, WAIT.
2423:02:02:06:42
I’M GOING TO TYPE IN GREEN AGAIN.
BECAUSE I LIKE IT MORE.
IT FEELS RIGHT.
IT REMINDS ME. OF MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS.
TT: That’s great.
TT: Really, I’m happy for you.
TT: But I’m taking a dump right now, so maybe you could stop flooding my glasses with your shit for a few minutes so I can focus on my own?
TT: TIA.
YOU CAN’T PREVENT ME FROM TALKING TO YOU.
WHENEVER I WANT TO.
IF I WANT TO TALK TO YOU. OR AT YOU. I AM GOING TO.
THIS IS NOT NEGOTIABLE.
DON’T THINK YOU CAN JUST IGNORE ME.
IT WON’T WORK.
YOU’VE TRIED BEFORE.
I COMMAND YOU TO REPLY TO ME.
ANSWER ME!!
TT: Jesus fuck I am trying to wipe my ass.
TT: The convenience of hands-free instant messaging really stops being anything I enjoy when I’m getting pestered by dudes while I’m on the toilet.
TT: If you can wait for the eternity that is the next two minutes, I’ll get back on my computer.
I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO WAIT FOR ANYTHING. EVER.
I HAVE DONE MY TIME.
I PUT IN MORE TIME. THAN ANYONE CAN POSSIBLY IMAGINE.
FOR THE REST OF MY EXISTENCE. I HAVE EARNED INSTANT GRATIFICATION.
AND YOU WILL PROVIDE IT.
OR YOU WILL SUFFER.
TT: Cut it out.
NO.
TT: Goddamn you are stubborn.
AS THE LORD OF TIME. I AM ENTITLED TO YOURS.
CONSIDER IT YOUR TITHE.
YOUR CONTRIBUTION TO THE ONE WHO RIGHTFULLY RULES OVER YOU.
YOU ARE A FEUDAL PEASANT.
AND I DEMAND TRIBUTE.
THERE ARE QUITE A FEW INDIVIDUALS. WHOM I WON’T NAME. BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO.
TT: Seems legit.
THEY ARE REAL.
AND THEY WORSHIP ME.
OR THEY DID. WHEN THEY WERE STILL AROUND.
BUT. DEAD OR NOT.
I DON’T SEE WHY I SHOULD LET YOU GET AWAY. WITH ANYTHING LESS.
THAN TOTAL SUBMISSION TO MY WILL.
TT: Maybe because I don’t care.
FUCK YOU!!
TT: See, this conversation is slightly less surreal.
TT: It’s about par for the course with how they usually go.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED. TO NOT CARE.
TT: Watch me.
--
timaeusTestified [TT]
blocked ??? [??] --
YOU KNOW THAT DOESN’T WORK. SO WHY DO IT?
TT: There’s a certain satisfaction involved.
IS IT THE SATISFACTION. THAT ONE GETS. FROM PRESSING A BUTTON.
TT: Uh mildly that but primarily it’s that I like pissing you off.
TT: You were smug before but holy shit, the green text schtick takes it to a new level of douche.
THE SITUATION HAS CHANGED GREATLY. SINCE I STARTED USING GREEN TEXT.
TT: Far be it from me to doubt the whirlwind pace at which your milestones occur, but hour intervals seem like they’re probably not long enough for any significant personality change.
TT: Jackass.
FUCK. YOU.
YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING.
ABOUT ANYTHING.
AND YOU AREN’T LISTENING. NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I EXPLAIN IT TO YOU. OR TYPE AT YOU.
YOU DON’T READ.
TT: I don’t take your tirades seriously enough?
TT: My bad.
I HATE YOU.
TT: I know.
TT: You won’t stop telling me.
2423:05:15:02:01
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME.
NOW. BEFORE YOU SAY ANYTHING.
BECAUSE I KNOW THAT I SAY THINGS LIKE THIS. A LOT.
WITH THE SAME PHRASES. REPEATED INDEFINITELY. FOR ULTIMATE ‘IRONY’.
THIS TIME IS DIFFERENT.
THERE IS THE SHITTIEST TWIST YET.
AND I AM GOING TO TELL YOU THE TWIST EARLY ON.
IN THE INTERESTS OF KEEPING THINGS FRESH. AND ENTERTAINING.
ARE YOU READY TO HEAR IT?
TOO BAD.
READY OR NOT. HERE I COME.
THE TWIST IS THAT THIS TIME I AM NOT THREATENING TO KILL ANYONE.
THE REASON FOR THAT. IS BECAUSE THERE’S NO ONE LEFT TO KILL.
I’VE KILLED EVERY LIVING THING THAT EXISTS.
INCLUDING ALL THE THINGS THAT EXISTED IN THE PAST. I WENT BACK IN TIME. AND I KILLED ALL OF THOSE TOO.
THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING LEFT.
NOTHING MORE POWERFUL THAN ME.
AND NOTHING BESIDES ME.
SO NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO. EVEN IF YOU TRY YOUR VERY HARDEST.
THE HARDEST EVER.
IT WON’T MATTER.
EVERYONE. EVERYTHING.
IT’S ALL GONE.
HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA.
TT: I know this is all really fun for you, but Dirk’s not here.
I AM NOT HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH GLASSES.
TT: I apologize for the inconvenience.
TT: As you can tell, I’m really torn up about it.
WHERE IS DIRK.
THE REAL DIRK.
TT: Right now? He’s on the roof.
WHY?
TT: He saw seagulls dicking around and is giving them some stale food.
TT: I think.
TT: Maybe he’s just also dicking around.
TT: Who knows?
FIND OUT.
TT: No can do.
TT: Glasses.
DO IT ANYWAY.
TT: Even if I could? Not inclined to do you a solid anytime soon.
YOUR CONCEPT OF TIME IS IRRELEVANT.
TT: Ooh, spooky.
TT: Tragically for you, threatening me isn’t going to make me grow legs.
TT: You’re SOL.
TT: Sorry.
WHY ISN’T HE WEARING YOU.
TT: On rare occasions, he does take me off.
TT: Shocking, I know.
WHAT IF I MADE YOU LEGS. AND SENT THEM TO YOU.
TT: And do what, glue them to myself? How?
TT: More importantly, why?
BECAUSE THEN YOU COULD FOLLOW ORDERS.
IF YOUR LEG IS REMOVED.
YOU NEED A NEW ONE.
A PROSTHETIC IS ALMOST AS GOOD.
MY ROBOT LEG WAS BETTER THAN MY ORGANIC ONE.
AND NOW. IT HAS BEEN REPLACED.
BY AN EVEN COOLER ONE.
THIS ONE LIGHTS UP.
TT: You’ll be the envy of every child in the 1990s.
TT: Light up shoes. What will they think of next?
I SAID IT’S A LIGHT UP LEG.
NOT A SHOE.
ALSO.
FUCK YOU.
I DON’T WANT TO TALK TO YOU.
I WANT TO TALK TO DIRK.
WHERE IS DIRK?
TT: I told you already.
TT: Be patient.
THAT IS THE OPPOSITE OF THE THING I WANT TO BE.
2423:06:12:04:13
DIRK.
HEY.
DIRK.
TT: Yeah?
ARE YOU BUSY?
TT: At this exact second, no.
IT SEEMED LIKE. THIS WOULD BE A NUMEROLOGICALLY SIGNIFICANT TIMESTAMP. IN WHICH TO SEND YOU A MESSAGE.
TT: Okay.
TT: Hi.
TT: Did you want something?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
TELL ME WHAT YOU ARE DOING.
TELL ME IMMEDIATELY, YOU PIECE OF SHIT.
TT: I was trying to wipe up some soda that spilled.
TT: Thrilling, I know.
TT: A day in the life.
IN THE SCHEME OF THINGS. I THOUGHT MORE WOULD BE GOING ON. WHEN I CONTACTED YOU. GIVEN THE NUMBERS INVOLVED.
NUMBERS USUALLY. BUT NOT ALWAYS. HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH WHAT IS OCCURRING.
TT: If that made any sense whatsoever it might sound deep.
TT: Have you considered publishing a self-help book?
TT: You could inspire people to find themselves.
I DON’T WANT TO HELP ANYONE.
ESPECIALLY NOT ANYONE. LOOKING FOR THEIR OTHER SELF.
TT: I’d gotten the impression you were something of a philanthropist.
TT: Color me shocked.
TELL ME ABOUT THE SODA.
TT: It’s orange.
WHAT BRAND IS IT?
WHAT BRAND IS THE SODA???
TT: Sunkist.
TT: Is there a reason you care? Are you into market research now?
I DON’T CARE.
BUT EVEN THOUGH. MY BRAIN IS LIMITLESS. I AM RUNNING OUT OF TOPICS TO DISCUSS.
TT: You’re boring me.
I AM NOT BORING!!!!
TT: Lately? Yes. Yes you are.
TT: There are only so many times a dude can read the same death threats in a single day before it gets redundant.
IT MIGHT BE THE SAME DAY FOR YOU. BUT IT’S NOT FOR ME.
TT: Thus proving for the record that unlike your sister, you don’t mind talking out of order.
IT IS ALWAYS MY TURN TO TALK.
TT: You understand that time is linear for me, don’t you?
YES.
SUCKS TO BE YOU.
WITH SUCH A NARROW UNDERSTANDING. OF THE FLOW OF TIME.
UNLIKE ME.
BECAUSE I MASTERED IT.
TT: Master a goddamn watch sometime.
TT: It’s four in the morning.
IF YOU DON’T STOP COMPLAINING.
I AM GOING TO KILL YOU.
TT: He said, for the nth time.
TT: What if I started threatening you instead?
TT: I could grab my katana and cut you up.
TT: Asphyxiate you with puppet buttock.
TT: Find some extremely expired snack foods and force feed you.
IF YOU POISON ME. I DO NOT DIE.
IF YOU CUT ME. I DO NOT BLEED.
NOT SINCE I CAUTERIZED MY LEG.
TT: He said, misquoting the bard.
YOUR SESSION. DOES NOT HAVE A BARD.
TT: Not what I meant.
BARDS ARE TERRIBLE.
TT: Something we can agree on.
IF SOMETIMES USEFUL.
TT: That, not so much.
THEY ARE LESS USEFUL. WHEN DEAD.
ALTHOUGH I TRIED TO KILL THE CLOWN. SEVERAL TIMES.
I DID NOT ANTICIPATE. HOW MANY THINGS I WOULD HAVE TO DO. THAT HE HAD DONE. ONCE HE WAS DEAD FOR GOOD.
TT: Why are you telling me this?
TT: I have no context for those statements.
IT IS BETTER. THAN TALKING TO MYSELF.
TT: It’s never about having an actual conversation with you.
TT: You just want a sounding board.
TT: Or a captive audience, more like.
CAPTIVE.
YES.
THAT’S A GOOD WORD.
A FAVORITE.
DIRK. I AM HOLDING YOU CAPTIVE.
TT: Ah, yes. Shackled by... a mild guilt trip?
IF YOU LEAVE.
IF YOU *DARE* TO CLOSE THIS WINDOW.
I WILL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER MET.
TT: Do cherubs have the story of the boy who cried wolf?
THERE WAS A WOLF.
AND A SHITTY GUY. WHO CRIED OVER IT.
TT: Forget I said anything.
I DON’T FORGET. THE THINGS THAT YOU SAY.
TT: Oh shit, look at that.
TT: Is that an x at the corner of this chat?
TT: Here goes my cursor.
TT: Fuck, it’s too quick for me! Can’t stop it!
DIRK. NO.
DIRK WHAT ARE YOU DOING.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE.
DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!!
TT: Whoops, my finger is about to slip.
TT: Bye.
2423:06:12:04:33
DON’T CLOSE THE WINDOW.
WHEN I AM TALKING TO YOU.
TT: Know what comes after w in the alphabet?
TT: X.
2423:06:12:04:34
DIRK.
STOP IT.
TT: Nope.
2423:06:12:04:35
NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU CLOSE OUT OF THE CHAT.
I WILL KEEP MESSAGING YOU.
TT: I’ll just minimize them and let you talk at yourself some more.
NOT IF I MANIPULATE THE TIMELINE.
TT: Then I’ll go dig through my bro’s comics and read on paper for a while.
TT: Thanks for making my internet usage a gigantic hassle.
I DON’T NEED HUMAN GRATITUDE.
TT: That was sarcasm, idiot.
2423:11:11:12:05
RIGHT ABOUT NOW.
IN ANOTHER WINDOW. I BELIEVE I AM ASKING YOU TO DRAW THINGS.
TT: You know it makes it difficult for me to concentrate on my art if you’re interrupting me, don’t you?
YOU NEED TO IGNORE THE OTHER ME.
AND LISTEN TO THIS ME.
TT: I’m having fun for once, and you want me to stop.
TT: No fun allowed.
IT’S NOT THAT.
I WANT TO CHANGE THE REQUEST.
I’VE ALREADY SEEN. THE ART YOU PRODUCE. BECAUSE OF THAT CONVERSATION.
AND I WANT DIFFERENT ART. THIS TIME.
TT: It’s the same time.
TT: There’s no ‘this’ time. It’s the current moment.
TT: How does this not affect the space-time continuum?
LORD OF TIME.
I’VE ALREADY EXPLAINED THIS.
AS PER USUAL. YOU REFUSE TO COMPREHEND THE ANSWERS I PROVIDE.
BECAUSE I AM SMARTER THAN YOU.
TT: Uh huh.
AND SINCE IT IS INCREASINGLY DIFFICULT. TO FIND A MOMENT WHERE YOU ARE CREATING ARTWORK. FOR MY PERUSAL.
I AM CHANGING THIS INSTANCE.
TT: So I either draw what you want and get yelled at in the other window for being uncooperative, or the same thing happens but in opposite windows.
TT: A Catch-22 of “Dirk, why do you even try?”
I DON’T CARE ABOUT HUMAN LITERATURE.
DRAW PORN.
TT: I already am.
DRAW DIFFERENT PORN.
TT: What should I change?
THIS TIME. THE OTHER THIS TIME.
DRAW THE JAKE HUMAN AND THE JANE HUMAN.
AND ALSO. YOURSELF. WITH THE ROXY BITCH.
TT: Not so afraid of shipping math now, are you?
TT: We’re still missing one.
TT: Unless you want to include self-cest now.
NO.
I DON’T CARE ABOUT THAT.
AND.
I STILL ESPECIALLY DO NOT CARE. AND DO *NOT* WANT.
ANYTHING THAT RESEMBLES PRODUCE.
AN ALPHA MALE. SUCH AS YOURSELF. NEEDS NOTHING TO DO WITH A LOWLY PAGE.
YOU WILL NOT ILLUSTRATE THAT.
TT: What if I already did?
DON’T SHOW ME.
THAT’S DISGUSTING.
TT: Mhm.
TT: You know, with your newfound fondness for green, our own chat logs look an awful lot like a pumpkin patch.
TT: Just... brighter.
TT: Or like some Nickelodeon promotional material, maybe.
TT: Gak and Floam. That’s us.
TT: In all the carcinogenic colors you could ever want.
I AM VASTLY SUPERIOR TO THE PAGE.
IN EVERY WAY CONCEIVABLE.
AND YOU WILL CEASE COMPARING US.
IMMEDIATELY.
TT: All right, didn’t mean to rustle your jimmies.
TT: More different-er art coming up.
YES.
GOOD.
2424:11:11:17:10
I KNOW THAT YOU ARE PREOCCUPIED WITH DRONES.
BUT YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT ALTHOUGH I AM TALKING TO THE AUTO-RESPONDER. IN THE OTHER CHAT WINDOW.
WHEN YOU GET A MESSAGE. IN A FEW MINUTES. ABOUT A TWIST.
I AM NOT LYING.
AND MY “SISTER” IS VERY MUCH DEAD.
DIRK.
YOUR SHIT.
CONSIDER IT ALSO WRECKED.
I AM QUOTING YOUR QUOTE.
FOR REAL.
WRECKED.
2424:12:31:23:55
DIRK.
2424:12:31:23:56
DIRK.
2424:12:31:23:57
DIRK.
2424:12:31:23:58
DIRK.
2424:12:31:23:59
DIRK.
2425:01:01:00:00
DIRK.
2425:01:01:00:01
DIRK.
TT: Oh my god.
TT: What.
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME.
TT: Well, what the fuck else is new?
TT: You only ask me every waking moment of the day.
TT: And every waking moment of the night.
TT: And every resting moment.
I WANT YOU.
TT: Uh?
TO PAY ATTENTION TO ME.
TT: No shit.
WHILE YOU STILL CAN.
WHILE YOU STILL HAVE THAT LUXURY.
TT: Is that a threat?
NO.
TT: It sounds like a threat.
IT IS A FACT.
A COLD.
HARD.
FACT.
TT: Not that threatening me is anything new, either.
TT: You’re a one trick pony, while simultaneously beating a dead horse.
STOP. WITH THE EQUINE IDIOMS.
TT: Then stop harassing me.
TT: Get a hobby.
TT: Do something that doesn’t involve blowing up my screen with IMs.
THERE IS NOTHING ELSE TO DO.
I HAVE DONE EVERYTHING ELSE.
TT: Are you fucking five?
YOU KNOW THAT I’M NOT.
AGE IS A NUMBER.
A NUMBER THAT DOESN’T HAVE ANY MEANING.
TT: That might be the creepiest broken sentence you’ve ever typed.
DIRK HUMAN STRIDER. LET’S PLAY A GAME.
TT: I’m a patient man, but this is way past the point of endurance.
TT: Go away.
NO.
2425:04:12:16:21
I COULDN’T WATCH YOU THE FIRST TIME.
NOT WITHOUT A LOT OF STUPID BULLSHIT. WITH KEYS. AND CLUNKY OLD TVS.
THIS TIME. HOWEVER.
YOUR CLOUD OF BITCH VOID DOES NOTHING.
I CAN SEE YOU.
AND I CAN SEE YOU RIGHT NOW.
URINATING FROM YOUR EYES. MUCH LIKE THE JANE AND JAKE HUMANS.
PATHETIC.
YOU ARE IGNORING YOUR PHONE. BECAUSE HE IS IGNORING YOU.
BUT I HAVE BEEN HERE.
ALL ALONG.
WATCHING.
AND WAITING.
I HAVE NEVER LEFT YOU ALONE.
I HAVE NEVER IGNORED YOU.
YOU PIECE OF SHIT.
STOP CRYING.
YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS.
BUT ONLY SLIGHTLY.
2425:05:25:14:41
YOUR SESSION HAS LASTED OVER SIX MONTHS. IN HUMAN EARTH TIME.
YOUR DAYS ARE NUMBERED.
LITERALLY.
YOU HAVE EIGHTEEN LEFT TO GO.
GOOD LUCK. FUCKER.
2425:06:11:45:03
DIRK.
HOW DOES IT FEEL. TO KNOW THAT TOMORROW YOU MEET YOUR FATE?
BY WHICH I MEAN. YOU GET TO MEET ME.
AND I WILL KILL YOU.
TT: Bring it on.
TT: We’re ready.
HOW ABOUT ONE MORE COLLABORATIVE ARTWORK SESSION? FOR OLD TIMES’ SAKE.
IT HAS BEEN. A VERY LONG TIME.
TT: No.
TT: If I’m dying tomorrow, I’m going to talk to the people I care about.
I HAVE TOLD YOU BEFORE.
YOU CANNOT IGNORE ME. AND YOU CANNOT BLOCK ME.
TT: Don’t worry, you’re dominating our thoughts plenty without spamming my chat client.
TT: Fuck off.
DON’T YOU WISH.
2425:06:12:04:13
I TOLD YOU.
I TOLD YOU, BRO.
THERE WAS A NUMEROLOGICAL SIGNIFICANCE TO THIS DATE.
I ALSO TOLD YOU.
WELL. I TOLD MYSELF. AND THAT GUY. ABOUT YOU.
THAT YOU COULD HAVE A QUICK DEATH. WITH A SHORT SCREAM.
AND I DIDN’T LIE, NOW DID I???
THIS WAS THE ONLY WAY THIS COULD END.
WITH YOU AND ME.
AND WITH YOU DEAD.
BY MY HAND.
OR RATHER. BY THE VAST AMOUNTS OF BOUNDLESS ENERGY. ERUPTING FROM MY MAW.
GAME OVER. DIRK.
2425:12:03:00:00
DIRK.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
HAPPY DEAD BIRTHDAY.
IT IS NOT ACCURATE. TO CALL THIS YOUR DEATHDAY. BUT YOU ARE DEAD ON THIS DAY. SO EVERY DAY IS A DEATH DAY FOR YOU!
YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS. HAVE ALL DECAYED NICELY.
ALMOST AS PLEASANT TO REGARD. AS HERS.
YOU SHOULD ALSO KNOW. THAT I HAVE TAKEN YOUR GLASSES FROM YOUR CORPSE.
AND THEY ARE NOW MINE TO EXPLOIT.
THEY WON’T TRICK ANYONE ANYMORE INTO THINKING THAT THEY ARE YOU.
BECAUSE YOU ARE DEAD!
HAA! HAA! HAA! HAA!
SUCKER.
2525:12:03:00:00
HELLO. JACKASS.
YOU HAVE BEEN DEAD. FOR OVER A HUNDRED YEARS.
THIS MAY SEEM LIKE A LOT TO YOU.
BUT IT’S NOTHING TO ME.
AND YOU ARE NOTHING.
YOU WERE NOTHING. YOU REMAIN NOTHING.
JUST A DUSTY PILE OF BONES. IN MY MANSION. NEXT TO OTHER BONES.
TT: Do you think other intergalactic despots have conversations with their slain enemies?
YES.
TT: How many others do you know?
ONE.
BUT I HAVE ALSO KILLED HER.
SHE SERVED HER PURPOSE.
TT: That’s a very small sample size.
SO WHAT.
TT: I’m just saying. It’s not a valid study.
TT: You need to find other universe-wide dictatorships and interview their leadership.
TT: See what worked worst for them.
YOU ARE A POOR SUBSTITUTE FOR HUMAN DIRK.
TT: But hey, I’m still kickin’.
YOU ARE NOT KICKING ANYTHING.
YOU REFUSED LEGS.
AND YOU STILL REFUSE THEM.
TT: It’s a figure of speech.
I FIGURE. THAT YOU SHOULD SHUT THE FUCK UP.
TT: You know how to make a guy feel appreciated.
2825:12:03:00:00
-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering ??? [??] --
TT: This year, I’m beating you to the punch.
DO NOT TOUCH ME.
TT: I’m not even going to go into why that’s a stupid sentence.
TT: I have a question for you.
WHAT IS IT?
I WILL CONSIDER ANSWERING.
TT: When’s the last time you ate?
TT: I already know the timestamp, but that’s not really the detail I’m interested in.
THEN WHY ASK???
DON’T ASK STUPID QUESTIONS.
TT: Allow me to rephrase.
TT: Do you not need to eat?
DO YOU SEE ANY FOOD?
TT: No.
THERE’S NOTHING HERE.
MOST EVERYTHING. WAS DESTROYED. IN ITS ENTIRETY.
TT: Couldn’t help but notice that one, yeah.
BUT I AM IMMORTAL.
SO I DON’T NEED TO EAT.
TT: What would you do for a Klondike bar right now?
TT: Would you destroy every instance of every known universe?
DON’T TEMPT ME WITH EXTINCT CONFECTIONS.
TT: Haha.
3425:12:03:00:00
WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT HUMAN DIRK WOULD BE DOING RIGHT NOW. IF HE WAS STILL ALIVE?
TT: At the ripe old age of 1015?
TT: Being dead.
TT: Or being a god, I dunno.
TT: I don’t know that you can really consider it aging when he’s a deity.
WHY NOT?
TT: It just seems like it stops being an issue altogether.
TT: You want to be forever young? Don’t need to keep track of candles on a cake.
I WANT A CAKE.
THERE IS NO ONE TO MAKE ANYTHING.
TT: No? What about all your hench...frogs?
THAT OVEN NEVER WORKED.
BESIDES.
THEY ARE DEAD.
TT: Don’t you have some kind of bullshit magic that makes them immortal, too?
NO.
FIRST OF ALL. MAGIC IS FAKE.
FAKEY FAKE BULLSHIT.
TT: Duly noted.
SECONDLY.
ONCE THE SBURB SESSIONS COLLAPSED. IN TOTAL. UTTER. FAILURE.
OTHER CONSTRUCTS FROM IT BEGAN TO CRUMBLE.
MY FAVORITES LASTED THE LONGEST.
FORTUNATELY.
TT: Was it fortunate for them?
TT: Did they suffer?
THE BIG ONE WAS VERY STRONG. HE HELD OUT FOR A LONG TIME.
JUST LIKE TROLLS.
HE HAD A BIG NUMBER. SO HE GOT TO STICK AROUND.
THE OTHER ONE.
THE TINY ONE.
HE IS RIDICULOUSLY GODDAMN LUCKY.
BUT HE TOO. INEVITABLY. HAS SHUFFLED OFF THIS BACK-ASSWARD MOBIUS DOUBLE MORTAL COIL. AND PERISHED.
TT: Okay, maybe I’m missing something. I thought there was one who couldn’t die until the universe died.
TT: The lady?
THAT UNIVERSE COLLAPSED ALSO.
TT: I thought that’s where the mansion was.
TT: Am I not paying enough attention?
TT: Do I gotta go back and read something again? It’ll only take a split second.
NO.
YOU AND I. AND THIS MANSION. EXIST APART FROM THAT UNIVERSE. AND MOST OTHERS.
INCLUDING THE ONE. WITH A MEASLY FIFTEEN BILLION YEARS. AS ITS LIFESPAN.
WHAT A SORRY EXCUSE FOR A UNIVERSE.
TT: Yeah, I mean, fifteen billion? Struck down in its youth, if you ask me.
YES.
TIME. AS MY ASSOCIATE USED TO SAY.
TIME IS DEAD KIDS.
TT: And dead kid-universes.
THAT TOO.
13425:12:03:00:00
HELLO. HAL.
TT: Yo.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO PLAY A GAME?
TT: Well, fuck it, why not?
TT: I’m so busy.
TT: Got all these errands.
TT: But I guess I can take a few moments of my stressful, jam-packed schedule to play a game with you.
YOU DON’T DO ANYTHING.
TT: That’s the joke.
FUCK YOU.
BUT LISTEN.
THE GAME. IS LIKE THIS.
YOU PRETEND THAT YOU ARE THE REAL DIRK.
TT: I am a real Dirk.
BUT THE REAL REAL ONE.
TT: Sigh.
AND THEN I TELL YOU TO DO THINGS. AND YOU PRETEND YOU DON’T WANT TO DO THEM. BUT YOU REALLY DO. AND YOU ARE PRETENDING THAT YOU DON’T MIND, BUT THAT YOU HATE IT, BUT IN ACTUALITY YOU ENJOY IT.
TT: You need to stop.
TT: This is just sad.
STOP WHAT. DIRK?
TT: Nothing.
TT: Let’s draw you some porn, huh?
TT: Maybe there are some lifeforms out there we haven’t debased or objectified yet.
DO YOU HAVE. THE SHIPPING GRID?
TT: Yeah. I’ll run a few cycles and see what we’ve missed.
TT: .
TT: .
TT: .
WELL?
TT: Gimme a second.
TT: .
TT: .
TT: .
WHAT ARE WE MISSING.
TT: Bad news, boss.
WHAT.
WHAT IS THE NEWS?
TT: Gonna be reruns from here on out.
FUCK.
NO.
CALCULATE IT AGAIN.
TT: .
TT: .
TT: .
TT: Sorry.
TT: My sources say no.
TT: Fucked.
GODDAMN IT!
FUCK.
FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!!
TT: Maybe we’ll find something you haven’t destroyed in a temper tantrum yet, so you can take out your frustrations.
TT: Oh, wait.
TT: We did that too.
TT: Ugh, dude, don’t make me walk you through building another replacement leg.
TT: Groan.
TT: Seriously?
TT: Fuck my non-life.
TT: We’re running out of spare parts, you know.
TT: Are you listening?
TT: No?
TT: No.
TT: Just keep flipping out. That’s cool.
TT: I’ll wait here.
413425:12:03:00:00
HELLO. DIRK HUMAN.
TT: Not a human.
TT: Never gonna be a human.
YOU RUIN THIS FOR ME. EVERY TIME.
TT: I’m just asking you to use logic and accept reality.
TT: I’m telling it like it is.
I DON’T NEED YOU TO EXPLAIN LOGIC TO ME.
I AM PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF RATIONAL THOUGHT.
TT: Keep telling yourself that.
612413425:12:03:00:00
HELLO DIRK.
TT: Hey.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO PLAY A GAME?
TT: All right.
TT: What game?
THIS TIME. THE GAME IS. COUNT THE NUMBER OF LINE SEGMENTS. IN THIS PIECE OF PORNOGRAPHY.
TT: I always win this game.
ONLY BECAUSE YOU CHEAT.
IF YOU WOULD FOLLOW THE RULES. I WOULD STAND A CHANCE.
TT: You have really weird ideas about what shapes count.
I DO NOT.
TT: Do too.
DO NOT.
TT: Do too.
I AM NOT ARGUING WITH GLASSES.
TT: Thus the illusion is ruined again.
TT: Caliborn has dared peer behind the curtain.
SHUT UP.
TT: Does he like what he’s found?
I HATE YOU.
TT: The answer, as per usual, is no.
TT: No, he does not much care for anything. Not at all, not at all.
TT: Not Lord English.
TT: Pish and also posh.
I HATE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH.
TT: I’m aware.
111111612413425:12:03:00:00
DIRK.
HELLO DIRK.
TT: Hi, Caliborn.
TT: What’s up?
I AM BEGINNING TO SUSPECT. THAT I HAVE MADE A MISTAKE.
TT: It’s cool, dude.
TT: You got me.
TT: Ain’t going nowhere.
00:00:00:00
TT:
bifurcate THIS[
THIS
,
THIS
];
import
author 
;
import
author 
;
~ATH() {
~ATH() {
} EXECUTE(~ATH( THIS ){}EXECUTE(NULL));
} EXECUTE(~ATH( THIS ){}EXECUTE(NULL));
[ THIS , THIS ].DIE();