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Whenever Tony saw Loki appear in the hallway, he instantly smiled, feeling his stomach twist and his heart flutter.
It’s was stupid, he knew. Stupid, creepy and kind of pathetic, but if nobody knew, then it was okay.
His therapist always told him not to feel bad about the things that made him happy. Tony was keeping Loki firmly locked in his ‘makes me happy’ category. There were few things that did that any more.
In part, Tony knew, because of himself.
When Tony had been caught in a lab explosion three years ago, he was lucky to walk away with his life. He’d gained burns across most of his chest, up the left side of his neck and over part of his jaw which had caused permanent scarring. He had lost his hearing in one ear as well as having to get part of his left arm amputated.
He had a prosthetic and a hearing aid, all of his own design and now patented and sold by his company, but Tony had secluded himself after the accident while he healed. Then, he’d just never come back out again.
Pepper and Rhodey had tried to get him back into his old life, but Tony just couldn’t go back to the lab without a panic attack and he hated his home with its glass windows and reminders of a life he couldn’t have anymore.
He’d ended up hiding in a vacant apartment in one of the upmarket buildings his father owned and he had inherited. Tony had placed cameras around his apartment in the dead of night and then he’d moved in, bit by bit, making sure to never be seen by his new neighbours.
It was nice, to be surrounded by people, even if he didn’t have anything to do with them.
Loki though... Tony liked Loki.
He lived across the hall from Tony and was smart, witty, sarcastic and beautiful. He was the kind of person that, three years ago, Tony would have approached, flirted with and taken to bed. Now, Tony placed his chin on his hand and smiled for the few moments Loki lingered in the halls. Loki would sometimes have long, hilarious, antagonistic conversations with the neurosurgeon that lived down the hall.
Tony loved those moments and he sat affixed to the screen, listening to Loki’s sharp accent and brilliant arguments while chuckling under his breath.
Sometimes, Tony imagined having a conversation with Loki, trading insults and arguing over theories. Sometimes, he imagined Loki kissing him. But, mostly, Tony shook himself from his thoughts and went back to his few pottering projects, reminding himself harshly that Loki would have no interest in the disfigured man he was now.
Tony had lived in the building for eight months and had spent the better part of seven of them watching Loki from afar and quietly crushing on him.
He’d never seen Loki anything other than prim, proper and aloof, but one afternoon he saw Loki returning with his shoulders slumped and his features drained. He looked like all the wind had been knocked out of him and Tony just wanted to go out and hug him.
Loki was practically leaning against the door as he brought up his key, but he paused when he heard his phone ringing. He closed his eyes, looking further beaten down as he pulled it out and quietly answered, “Hello?” He instantly grimaced. “Father, I-” He was cut off and flinched at whatever was said. “It was Thor who-” His shoulders hunched even as his voice became edged in a growl, “If you would listen-”
It was obvious Loki’s father didn’t as Loki didn’t get another word in. Tony sat tense, watching for the long minutes the call lasted until Loki cringed away from his phone. A few moments later he pulled it further away to look at it tiredly, his father obviously having hung up.
“Asshole,” Loki hissed, but although it was meant to come out scathing, it just sounded weary.
He raised his keys a moment later, opened his door and disappeared inside.
It left Tony staring at the screen for the longest time, memories of painful, bitter conversations with his own father flooding his mind. He knew how hard that was, knew how much it ached and beat you down.
It was why Tony swivelled his chair and hurried to find a pen and paper. The pen was easy, the paper much harder, but he eventually got some and after only a moment’s pause, he wrote a quick message: I think you’re brilliant, intelligent and gorgeous. If anyone disagrees with me, they’re a fucking idiot.
He bit his lip for a moment before carefully folding the note and walking over to his door. He sucked in a quick breath. His cameras had been there initially as a way for him to avoid meeting anybody and to get in and out of the building without being seen. He knew that the neurosurgeon was still at the hospital and that no one else had any business coming up to their floor. They still could, technically, but Tony knew the odds were good that they wouldn’t. It still made his skin crawl and he rubbed his hand over the metal of his prosthetic.
He had a skin-tone one, a normal one, but he hated the way it would make him think, for a second, that he still had his hand. He preferred this; something made of metal and looking like it came from an android.
Something he could have made in his lab, before it exploded.
Something that would make someone like Loki flinch away.
Tony gritted his teeth, feeling his chest fill with barely repressed panic. It’s a handful of fucking steps. You want to make him feel better, so stop feeling sorry for yourself!
He clenched his metal fist before pulling open the door, he peered out, making sure no one was around, he then quickly darted into the hall and hurriedly slipped the piece of paper under the other man’s door. The moment it was through he was hurrying back into his own apartment, shutting and locking the door.
He let out a harsh breath of relief before rushing over to his numerous monitors and the cameras that showed the hall. Tony found himself rooted to the spot, focused intently on the screen and, a few minutes later he was rewarded by the door opening and Loki cautiously poking his head out. He had the note in one hand and a confused, wary frown as he looked up and down the hall. His eyes lingered on both Tony and the neurosurgeon’s door, but when no one appeared, he looked down at the note again and, for a brief second, his mouth twitched towards a small, tired smile before he was disappearing back into his apartment.
Tony slowly began to grin until he was practically beaming.
He’d made Loki smile and it made Tony feel really... really good. It made him feel like doing something else and his attention alighted on some old schematics from a project he’d been unable to bring himself to start.
What would it hurt to give the idea another go?
Tony ended up working for most of the afternoon and into the night. He was honestly stunned when he was pulling up an email to Pepper and sending her the designs with some instructions on how the company’s scientists should test them in the labs. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d actually completed something. It made him feel... odd, uncertain - good, maybe?
He was a jumble of emotions he couldn’t pinpoint but he’d still rambled them all out in an email to his therapist, including telling her about the message he had sent to Loki. He then collapsed into bed and slept until mid-morning.
When he woke up, Tony had breakfast before checking his emails and finding an ecstatic response from Pepper and an approving one from his therapist. It made Tony fidget uncomfortably and ignore both of them.
He made his way over to his monitors instead to check the hall. He almost dropped his coffee all over his keyboard when he saw a piece of paper stuck to Loki’s door. He stood frozen for the longest time. He knew Loki was at work, that he worked in some corporate job and only had weekends off. He knew the neurosurgeon would be out of the building as well.
He still felt torn between fear and growing excitement that Loki might... might have left him a note back?
Tony still hesitated for a moment, even going so far as to rewind the stored recording to prove Loki had been the one to stick it on his door before leaving for work. When he was certain the other man was out of the building, he cautiously made his way out into the hall, double-checking no one was around.
The paper was folded and had ‘to anonymous’ on it. Tony peeled it off quickly before hurrying back inside. He shut the door behind him, leaning against it as he frantically opened the note.
I appreciate your sentiment and the amusement it gave me after a trying day. However, pleased be warned that if you are in fact, stalking me, I am incredibly proficient and accurate with blades.
Tony couldn’t help it; he let out a sharp laugh at the threat. It was so... so Loki.
The writing was also incredibly neat and elegant. Tony found himself tracing the lettering with a grin before he was making his way back to the notepad he’d ripped his paper off the night before.
Thanks for the warning. Tony answered. I don’t plan to make you want to stab me. You just looked like you needed a kind word on a bad day.
He stared at the note for a long moment, but in the end, he folded it and made his way to Loki’s apartment, slipping it under the other man’s door.
Tony knew he would have a number of hours before Loki would even arrive home and that, even if the man tacked a note to his door minutes after reading it, Tony couldn’t risk going and collecting it until the other man was at work.
It left him uncertain about what to do and fidgeting nervously while he waited.
He needed a distraction, and suddenly, more than anything, he wanted a conversation. It took him almost ten minutes to find his rarely used phone buried at the bottom of a box of spare parts. He ignored the many missed calls and unread texts to pull up a number he hadn’t phoned since before he’d moved into the apartment.
It only rang three times before his best friend’s voice was on the line, sounding disbelieving, “Tony?”
“Uh, hey, Rhodey.” He scratched the back of his neck uncertainly. “Is this a bad time?”
“No, not at all,” Rhodey hurriedly insisted. “What’s up?”
Tony’s eyes flicked to his apartment door before he made himself turn away. “I don’t know, I just... wanted to talk, I guess?”
“Sounds great.” Rhodey sounded so enthusiastic, so genuinely thrilled and it made Tony duck his head with embarrassment.
It had been too long since he’d spoke to his best friend.
“What’s, uh, been happening?” Tony asked, taking a seat on the edge of his bed.
Rhodey quickly and happily began to regale him of everything he’d been up to and Tony found himself smiling and relaxing as his best friend’s voice filled his undamaged ear.
The message from Loki the next morning could have been disheartening, but it actually made Tony laugh: I notice you did not deny you were stalking me which is not particularly comforting.
Tony knew that if Loki was truly worried, he’d stop writing to Tony. Instead, he just seemed curious and amused, and Tony was beyond grateful for that. He knew that he didn’t have a leg to stand on at this point. He had been quietly watching Loki for months. His therapist knew about Loki and while they had both acknowledged it wasn’t a healthy curiosity, they both knew Tony would never approach Loki.
He would never approach anyone, and that was why his therapist was happy that something, anything was interesting Tony again – that it was making him reach out to engineering and his friends once more.
It was also why Tony answered Loki with honesty: I feel like denying stalking you when I’m coming to get your messages would be a pretty bad lie at this point.
He’d been more nervous than the others after he’d left it; feeling worried that Loki would withdraw from him. Tony found it hard to sleep and was sitting in front of the cameras with coffee long before Loki had even woken for the day.
He waited with bated breath for the front door to open, and almost collapsed with relief when the other man placed a new note on his door, giving it a faint smirk before heading to work.
It physically pained Tony to wait at least a half hour before he ran out to get the letter. So you are admitting to being my stalker?
If Tony hadn’t of seen that amused smirk, he would have been worried. If Tony hadn’t seen Loki banter with the neurosurgeon, he might have misconstrued it, but instead he just grinned wide enough to hurt. Loki was bantering with him!
Can we call me a secret admirer instead? Tony questioned. That sounds a lot nicer.
So we are reverting to grade school are we? Loki answered. Although, I am not surprised; it was the last time I had something resembling the archaic role of ‘penpal’.
I think you like having a penpal. The gentleman doth protest too much, methinks.
Tony hadn’t smiled so much in months, years maybe, not since the explosion. He used to find no pleasure in getting up in the morning. One more day, one more depressing reminder of everything he’d lost.
Now, it was the highlight of his day. It meant rushing out to find and read Loki’s latest message and scrawling something back. He would then spend the day impatiently waiting for tomorrow morning to come. He would find himself so distracted he would work on designs, tinker with some of his old parts, message his friends.
He even... he even found himself making things. Small things. Little stupid gadgets the likes of which used to litter his lab.
The first time he’d made one, he’d stared at it, completely shocked. He’d then hesitantly sent a picture to Pepper and Rhodey. They had been so excited, so ecstatic that he’d felt at a loss for what to do and had ended up calling his therapist. He might have ended up with his eyes stinging and his throat closing up as he talked about how much it hurt to have lost so many inventions during the explosion.
How he’d lost his bots.
He’d ended up crying on the phone and gasping out stories about Dum-E, Butterfingers and U. When he’d finished the phone call he’d felt exhausted and had ended up sleeping for hours, but when he woke up he’d felt... better, lighter.
He still missed his bots, still blamed himself for losing them, but Pepper had suggested from the start that he could rebuild them with the parts that did survive. He’d violently rejected the idea at the time, but maybe he could? He had already long memorised their code and he had two hands again now. Maybe, he could put them back together again?
But he’d need a bigger space, a lab, and Tony still shied away from the thought of that.
He’d gone instead to his computer, planning to check on Loki and get his latest note only, he froze as he checked the time and saw the date. Saturday. Loki was home.
It made Tony’s heart fall as he stared at the note he couldn’t walk out and get. Loki was there and that... that meant Tony couldn’t afford to take the risk. He couldn’t afford to be seen.
Tony numbly sunk onto his chair, feeling regret and frustration fill him. He wanted to go over there so much. He wanted to read Loki’s reply and respond to his banter... but he couldn’t.
He could see you, he could look at you and then he’d...he’d...
Tony’s eyes fell until he was staring at his coffee; one metal hand, one tanned one; his skin tone long faded after years spent indoors. It was nothing on the scars covering his chest, neck, jaw; visible no matter what he wore.
Gritting his teeth Tony, for the first time in months, reached out and turned off his monitors. He made himself stand up and walk away. He'd meant to go sit on the couch and turn on the TV, but instead he found his feet taking him to his bathroom.
He found himself standing in front of the mirror. His t-shirt hid most of the damage but he could still see the distorted skin, the marks that would never fade, never change for as long as he lived. He could also see the hearing aid in his ear. It was a brilliant piece of machinery, it was as good as the real thing - but it still wasn’t the real thing. Just like his forearm, wrist and hand.
Tony found his eyes falling to stare at the sink, something not unlike shame creeping up his neck.
As if you’d ever have a chance with a guy like Loki anymore.
The thought hurt, a lot more than he expected it to, but he really liked Loki and for a few days, he’d let himself get caught up in talking to the man.
He’d let himself believe-
Tony’s thoughts were cut off by the sound of someone knocking on his door. It made Tony flinch, coffee sloshing over his metal hand and making his head turn towards the sound. His heart was pounding. No one visited him. No one knocked on his door.
Maybe it’s-
But no, it couldn’t be Loki. His heart raced at the thought, in more fear than desire. Please, don’t let it be Loki. Please let whoever the hell it is go away.
Yet, despite his wishes and best intentions, Tony still found himself cautiously walking back through his apartment towards the door. It took him all of a moment to alight on the paper that had been shoved under his door.
His heart went into overdrive, beating so hard he was sure it was going to fly out of his chest. Tony felt like he was trembling as he got close enough to bend down and open the note with one hand.
Do correct me if I’m wrong, but you are my penpal, are you not?
Tony sucked in a sharp breath, feeling frozen and having no idea what to do.
“You know,” he heard Loki drawl and snapped his head up to stare at the wood. “I can hear you through the door.” Tony swallowed heavily, his mouth opening and closing but nothing coming out. “Would you prefer I leave?”
That got Tony speaking, croaking out, “N-No.” He closed his eyes, pulling in a steadying breath. “No, I... fuck,” he hated to admit it but, “actually yes, that might be a better idea.”
There was a moment’s pause before, “Why?”
God, and Tony could picture Loki too, couldn’t he? His furrowed brow, crossed arms and unimpressed scowl. He would look gorgeous and immovable.
“I didn’t mean to do anything but be your penpal,” Tony admitted.
“I ask again, why?”
Tony didn’t know how to respond. The simple answer was the truth: I didn’t want you to ever see me, but it was so hard to say that.
“I am not a patient person,” Loki told him, sounding irritated.
And Tony... Tony knew it was a terrible mistake, that he was going to lose everything if he did this - but he was already going to lose everything if he did nothing, wasn’t he? Loki was going to walk away and stop replying to his notes and it was as plain as day.
Tony’s teeth were chewing his bottom lip raw as he unlocked his door slowly and moved his coffee to his right hand. He fidgeted and hesitated, but he still grabbed his door handle. He felt anxiety churning through him fast enough to make him nauseated, but he slowly pulled the door open.
Loki was standing in front of him in a green button-shirt and black slacks; his hair was combed and tucked behind his ears. His arms were crossed and he was scowling, but as the door opened fully and Tony stood before him in his ratty pyjamas with his burns and prosthetic on display, Loki’s face slackened in surprise.
Tony’s cheek jumped and he tried not to shift on the spot. He tried not to turn around and flee.
“Well,” Loki remarked, and Tony winced in preparation, “I didn’t expect you to be attractive.”
For the second time that morning, Tony almost dropped his coffee he was so startled; he looked at Loki in bug-eyed shock. It just made Loki smirk at him, his eyes trailing over him from head to toe; unable to miss every disfigurement Tony had, but not... not seeming bothered by them.
He called you attractive.
“I take it,” Loki continued, tapping lightly at one of the cameras on his doorframe (Tony hadn’t bothered to be subtle), “these are how you knew I was having a bad day?”
“I... I like to know who’s at my door,” Tony murmured, not quite looking at Loki. “I see you, sometimes.”
“Hmm,” Loki hummed. “So you are stalking me.”
Tony snapped his head up. “No!” Tony denied hotly, but Loki’s disbelieving expression made Tony crumple and wince. “I didn’t... mean to? I... I liked hearing you mock the stick up his ass doctor,” Tony gestured in the direction of the neurosurgeon. “And I... just...” Tony grimaced, feeling his cheeks heat up in a flush. He rubbed the back of his neck. “I haven’t, I don’t. I liked you, but,” His eyes flicked to his prosthetic before he could stop himself. “But I couldn’t when I-”
"Stop,” Loki told him, but his voice was surprisingly gentle. It made Tony cautiously raise his eyes to the other man. He was smiling faintly. “I think you were right when you suggested secret admirer was more accurate a term.”
Tony was certain his cheeks were beet red, which probably meant his neck was too, which would only make the scarring stand out more, and before he could stop himself he was bringing up his hand to hide it. It drew Loki’s eyes to his prosthetic and the scarring and he only felt more uncomfortable. He went to grab for the door, intending to shut it and hide but Loki reached out a hand and grabbed the door before he could try and close it.
"That was not a complaint,” Loki told him, continuing to smile. “I liked your notes, they have helped me weather a rather horrific week. I would rather like to see if you’re just as interesting and entertaining in person as you are on paper.”
Tony blinked a lot as he processed those words. “Are you... are you asking me... out?”
“Yes,” Loki told him. “I am.”
Tony gaped. “But... I...”
He swallowed and gestured with his arm, his metal fingers coming to touch his burns again. Loki just raised an eyebrow. “I thought I already mentioned I find you attractive and intriguing? Surely a date would be the next logical conclusion.”
“You... don’t mind how I... look?” Tony questioned, his voice coming out far smaller and more vulnerable than he’d intended it to.
Loki’s face just softened before telling him firmly, “It makes you no less attractive in my eyes.”
Loki had no reason to lie, and that meant it was the truth. Tony couldn’t stop the way a bright smile burst across his face and he almost felt like bouncing on the spot. Loki blinked, a very faint pink dusting his own cheeks. Tony had always been told his smile could outshine the sun, Tony just... hadn’t been told it in a while; hadn’t found a reason to smile in a while.
“Yeah,” Tony told him almost giddily, “yeah I’d love to go out with you, like, so much.”
“Would you like to have lunch today? There’s a cafe down the road?” An odd expression crossed Loki’s face before he amended. “Or, we can stay in?”
Oh, Tony realised and he smiled a little shyly, scratching his neck nervously. “Um, we can go to the cafe. I, um, I do go out, just, um, sometimes wear a different prosthetic, and a high-necked shirt.”
Loki nodded. “Whatever you wish to wear will be fine. I’ll come back at eleven-thirty?”
“Yeah,” Tony agreed with a quick nod, still unable to stop himself from smiling.
Loki grinned back. “Then I shall see you then.” He started to turn before he paused, “But before I go, have I earned the right to learn your name yet?”
“Ah,” Tony laughed awkwardly. “Sorry. It’s Tony.”
“Well then, Tony. I look forward to our date.”
Loki gave him one more smirk before turning on his heel and entering his apartment. Tony stared after him for a long moment in complete disbelief before he slowly shut the door and leant against it.
He smiled so wide it hurt his cheeks but he didn’t care in the slightest. He had a date with Loki, his handsome, gorgeous, witty, sarcastic neighbour who didn’t care about Tony’s prosthetic or his scars. Tony felt like he was on cloud nine and he all but dashed into his bathroom to get ready.
He hadn’t dated in years. He hadn’t charmed anyone in years. But it wasn’t a skill you forgot, right? It’d be like hopping back on a bike.
Looking at himself in the mirror, Tony felt ready, he felt excited and for the first time in a long time, when he smiled at his reflection the happiness reached all the way up to his eyes.