Text Me Maybe

by vintagelilacs

Summary:

Merlin gets a text from an unknown number, but he can't just not reply, especially since the guy is a total prat.

Chapter 1

Gwen

Merlin
please don’t be mad
Why do your texts always start like that?

Unknown Number

hey cutie
who is this?
guess ;)
well you're definitely not the pizza delivery guy since I have his # saved in my contacts
cute *and* funny. just my type
oh no. please tell me Will didn't write my number on one of the toilet stalls again
sorry to break it to you but i am not 'looking for a good time' right now
Erm no
This is Arthur. From the coffeeshop
Oh. Sorry mate, you've definitely got the wrong number. I never drink coffee. Makes me all jittery. Well, more so than usual
You mean this isn't Guinevere?
Wait, Guinevere? As in Gwen Smith? She gave you this number???
Read 9:31 PM

Gwen


I hope there's an apology somewhere in that long paragraph you're typing
Oh no
Did he message you?
Merlin I am soo sorry
I don't know what I was thinking. I completely panicked!
There was mention of a coffeeshop?
Arthur and I met at the cafe by the university. There was a coffee stain on the floor and I slipped and he caught me
Sounds like quite the prince charming
After that we got talking and he insisted on buying me a coffee and we ended up having lunch together too and then one thing led to another and he was asking for my number
Was he harassing you?
nono nothing like that.
He was really rather sweet. It's just, you know I'm already totally gone on Lance. Even talking to Arthur made me feel guilty, but I couldn't just say no! He bought me coffee and he was so sweet. But if I gave him my actual number that would be leading him on, right?
so I figured I'd make up a fake one, but then I thought, what if the fake number I give him happens to belong to some creep or serial killer and they end up luring him somewhere private and murdering him? I can't have that on my conscience!
I had to give him a trustworthy person's number, you know?
and mine was your go-to?
Well, I couldn't exactly give him Lance's!
Good point. You're definitely sending mixed signals if you give your boyfriend another bloke's number.
It was so stupid of me, I'm sorry.
What am I supposed to say to him, exactly?
I'm not sure.
but you'll let him down gently, won't you?
he really is very sweet
I'll try my best

Unknown Number

Wait, Guinevere? As in Gwen Smith? She gave you this number???
Today 9:35 PM
Isn't this Gwen Smith?
Hello?
Alright. So. Here's the thing
I'm not Gwen and this isn't her number
then who are you?
My name's Merlin, if you must know
Seriously?
What?
what kind of name is 'Merlin?'
It's the English cognate of the Welsh name Myrrdin
That's the most ridiculous name I've ever heard
well, in future incarnations, I'll make sure my parents consult you before choosing my name
what on earth are you talking about?
nevermind. i don't care
how do I know you haven't just stolen Guinevere's phone?
excuse me? Why would I do that?
maybe you're trying to sabotage us
....
I honestly have no idea why Gwen said you were sweet. you're a total prat
She said I'm sweet? What else did she say about me?
dude. learn to take a hint. she's already called for
Oh, by you? Because I don't recall her mentioning a Merdin
It's Merlin
and no, not by me. She's currently seeing someone named Lance
If that's true then why didn't she tell me that herself?
Because Gwen is kind to a fault and can't stand hurting people
I can tell you're lying
At the very least admit you want her
I don't ? Gwen's my best friend. And for the record, she's not my type. well, women in general aren't
I thought Merlin was a bloke's name?
It is
Oh. Don't tell me.
You think two blokes being together is wrong
Well listen up clotpole, this isn't the dark ages! People have the right to love whoever they want! And bigots like you should keep their intolerance to themselves
I never said any of that!
I read between the lines
Well then you suck at reading!
And what is a 'clotpole' ?
Don't try to change the subject!
I'm not a bigot! Or a clotpole, for that matter
uh huh
Actually, I um, I'm also like that.
Like what?
Into blokes
um
you realize Gwen's not a bloke, right?
I'm bisexual, you idiot
Ohhh
That makes more sense
Huh.
What?
You know, you're the first person I've told
I am? How come?
I guess... it helps that I don't actually know you. And you're such an idiot even if you were judgmental about it I wouldn't care.
I'm going to let that insult slide for now
why haven't you told anyone else?
Growing up, my friends weren't really the type that would understand. And my father's very conservative
I see. How long have you known? That you were bi?
I guess a part of me always knew, but it took a while to admit it to myself. I've always had a lot of expectations on me to be perfect... or at least, my father's idea of perfect.
That makes sense. It took me a while too. Not so much about the accepting part--I just genuinely didn't realize for the longest time
Oddly enough my girlfriend Freya was the one to point it out to me
I doubt that could've gone well
It was surprisingly fine, actually. Freya and I were never serious
though that was partly because we were only fourteen or so at the time. She thought it was cute how clueless I was.
In hindsight I did spend a lot of time checking out the footie captain
Well, I'm glad you had someone to support you through it
Thanks. And for what it's worth, I hope you find someone to support you too
Maybe someday
why not now?
The topic's never exactly come up in my current friend group. I mean, Leon and Percival are great, but I'm not sure how they'd take it. It doesn't seem worth the risk.
If they're really your friends they'll support you no matter what
but listen um
if you ever need someone to talk to about it, I'm here, yeah? I mean, I get I'm pretty much a total stranger and you don't really know me, but I've been through some of what you're going through and I'm ready to listen if you ever want
Thanks Merdin. that's very kind of you
oops I meant **Merlin
Nice save. I was about to take back my offer
Hey it was autocorrect, not me
That's what they all say
Right
well I'd better tuck in. I have an early start tomorrow.
Same here. Have a goodnight Arthur!
Read 11:17 PM you know it's common courtesy to wish me a goodnight back
Arthur. I know you saw my message.
Your read receipts are on
You're such a girl
GOOD NIGHT MERLIN
:)

Gwen

How did it go? Well, I may have called him a prat
and a clotpole
Merlin
and falsely accused him of being homophobic
Merlin!
but all things considered, I think it went quite well
Delivered

Notes:

next chapter should be up very soon!

also a link to this fic can be reblogged on tumblr: here

Chapter 2

Clotpole

A little preview for later
wow
that's a little presumptuous, don't you think?
though I have always wondered what baseless confidence looked like
Merlin???
last time i checked, yea
what the hell
you werent supposed to see that!!!!
my bad...?
from now on when i open your texts i'll be sure to close my eyes
fuck
i meant to send that to mithian
i clicked on your name by accident
because they both start with 'm'
pretty inconsiderate of me to share the same first initial as your girlfriend. Want me to change my name?
just be glad it wasn't a dick pic
and she's not my girlfriend
wait, you actually send dick pics??
Yeah. Sometimes anyway
Girls don’t actually care for that, you know. Unless they outright ask for it
And you’re the expert?
Compared to you
Look. I’m sorry to have bothered you. Have a good day
Wait!
Can I just ask one thing
What?
How did you take that selfie? Both your hands are clearly holding the pillow.
You didn't get someone else to take that for you, did you?
because how lame is that
No! I propped my phone up on my dresser and set a timer
For real?
Yeah why?
Sounds like a lot of effort just for a picture
Well I wanted it to look good, didn’t I?
I dunno. Did you?
Obviously!
Ok
What
What do you mean ‘what’?
You clearly have something you want to say, so let’s hear it
It’s just, if you wanted a good photo, why did you make that face?
What face???
You look all serious and grumpy. Shouldn’t you have aimed for something a bit more flirtatious?
Or even coy?
Girls like the stoic act!
Is that what you were doing?
Forget it. I don’t expect you to know anything about good photography and camera angles
I’ll have you know I’m an excellent photographer!
Sure you are
I'll prove it

See? Excellent lighting and excellent quality
You could have gotten that image anywhere
Excuse me??
I took that myself while touring a world heritage site!
And I'm supposed to take your word for it, am I? That looks like it was from google images
Fine! Here’s a selfie I took.

How's that for camera angles
I'm assuming your silence is due to wonder and awe at my impressive selfie game
hello?
I didn't expect you to look like that
like what?
You
have big ears
great observation
And wait just a minute. You’re not smiling in that either! And you accused me of looking serious and grumpy
Alright, fine. What about these ones


Is that better?
Arthur?
Are you still there?
Hello
Read 1:33 PM are you forgetting your read receipts are still on
Hey
Where’d you go?
uh I was making a sandwich.
What kind?
Tuna
Ooh, bad idea.
What? How?
You don’t want tuna-breath if you’re meeting up with that girl you're seeing. Mithian, or whatever. Don’t expect you’ll leave a very good impression that way.
Maybe that’s for the best.
Why do you say that?
My friends set us up. We've been on a few dates but I don’t know if I’m really all that into her.
Then why are you sending her risque photos?
Geez Merlin, just because I’m not asking her to marry me doesn’t mean we can’t fool around
Oh so your relationship is casual?
I guess?
What do you mean you guess? You don’t know?
Well it's not like we've sat down and made a list of everything we want in a relationship. I'm fine keeping it casual for now
But is Mithian fine with that?
I don’t know. I’m not a mind-reader
Clearly. I just think you two should make sure you’re on the same page, and that you want the same things.
Whatever would I do without your wise counsel
How you’ve managed this long without me I really don’t know. Though your selfie game has clearly been suffering.
Excuse me. Yours was no better
Please. The shadows and lighting and the angle? All marks of a professional.
Your ears looked even bigger in the second one.
Only one of my ears was even showing in that!
And at least I don’t look like a bone-idle toad
A what?
You heard me
yeah well it's not like you really know what I look like. That was just one photo. The ones I have on facebook are much better
You still use fb?
Yeah? Who doesn’t?
For starters, people from this generation.
What about instagram? Do you at least have that
I do…
Then why the ellipses?
I haven’t exactly figured out how to use it
What do you mean you havent figured out how to use it? It’s easy!
Not all of us are tech-savvy wizards
Arthur. Children can use it. Children do, in fact.
You’re like an old man. An old man trapped in a young, muscular body
You think I’m muscular?
No
Then why did you say that
It was a figure of speech. And I was trying to be polite
So you're saying I'm not muscular?
Yes. Exactly.
Excuse you! I'm fighting fit!
Sure, sure. But the point is you’re secretly old and don’t know how to post on instagram
I didnt say that! I posted one photo
Really? Of what?
It was of me. But it was by accident, so not the most flattering angle. And I havent figured out how to delete it
Oh this I have to see. What’s your username
I’m not telling you
Pleeeaase
No
I promise I’ll teach you how to take good selfies if you let me see
I already take good selfies!
but fine, if you’re going to be that insistent about it. It’s @arthur.pendragon
I think you should rename it to Arthur Pratdragon
Excuse me?!!
I’m saying that name suits you more. It was a compliment.
Sure it was.
Oh. You actually requested to follow me
You’re on private. How else would I see your photo?
You are going to accept my follow request right?
I suppose.
Hey! Don’t just accept it! Follow back.
Fine @Merlin_Emrys
OMG
what?
Your photo
this is hilarious
you have like
six chins?
wait no
seven!
you have seven chins
Shut up! I said it was a bad angle.
How is that even anatomically possible?
Also, you can see up your nostrils.
i'm going to unfollow you
But if you unfollow me, how are you going to know what good selfies look like?
You sure know how to convince a man.
Aw you liked my photo. thanks!
I double-tapped it by accident. How do i unlike it?
you'll have to figure that out for yourself, old man
Oh.
You weren't lying
?
About Gwen and Lance. There's a photo of the three of you
Yeah. We're pretty good friends
He’s not even that handsome.
Handsomer than you
Do you really think so? Is that your type, then?
Er no, not really. It’s weird thinking of Lance like that when I know he and Gwen are sort of together.
Plus he’s a little too soft-spoken for my tastes. I’d prefer someone passionate. Someone I could debate with and tease and laugh with. If that makes sense.
Yeah. Yeah, that does sound nice.
Well I should go get ready. I’m supposed to meet Mithian soon
Oh. Right. Have fun
Delivered

Gwen

Today 6:28 PM
the most interesting thing happened to me today
I got an Instagram notification suggesting I follow a certain @arthur.pendragon
that is interesting
Yeah. and I happened to notice we have a mutual friend by the name of Merlin_Emrys
Merlin Emrys? Sounds like a total wanker
I didn't know the two of you were still talking
We're not
Really? You just happened to already be following each other on social media?
Alright we texted a bit
but only because he accidentally sent me a shirtless pic
HE WHAT
OMG
Is that why you were all weird about Arthur earlier today when I mentioned him to Lance?
I wasn't weird!
I can't believe he sent you a shirtless pic
did you send one back?
Of course not!!!!
Poor Arthur. He must be so disappointed
He's currently on a date with some girl so I very much doubt that
Oh. Merlin I'm sorry
But do you think it's possible he only said he had a date to make you jealous?
Why on earth would he do that
I don't know Merlin
From what you told me it seems like the two of you hit it off
After calling him a prat and a clotpole that is
And he did send you a shirtless pic
by accident!
We can't know for sure though, can we?

Lance

Lance can you please confiscate your girlfriend's phone
She's meddling again
Delivered

Chapter 3

Clotpole

Yesterday 11:42 PM
Hey, how did it go with Mithian?
Read 12:03 AM You were, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, right.
I usually am. But about what?
We talked. About what we wanted. Turns out she was hoping to eventually have a more serious relationship
And how do you feel about that?
I’m definitely not ready for that kind of commitment. At least, not with her.
Well, it’s good you communicated. Better now than later, right?
Yeah. I feel like kind of an arse though
How come?
For getting her hopes up? And for not wanting the same things
It seems like everyone I know is already in a stable relationship
I’m not
Alright, besides you then.
Thanks
What?
I could get a boyfriend if I wanted to
I never said you couldn’t
Right. Sorry. Didn’t mean to get defensive
If you don’t mind me asking, why don’t you?
Have a bf?
Yea
I mean, you’re not ugly
Cheers
Didnt mean it like that
Sure you didn’t
and I’m not sure really. I guess I’m not big on casual flings and if I’m gonna date someone, I want it to be with someone who really means something to me. Is that lame?
No. I think it’s sweet. Maybe a little girly, but sweet
You mentioned having a gf at one point..
Freya
Right. Have you ever had a boyfriend in the past?
Not officially. I’ve experimented with a few blokes, tho. used to hit up gay clubs/pubs with my mate Will as my wingman. It was fun, but the excitement kind of wore off. I think that’s why I’m more interested in the idea of a serious relationship now. Not that I’m actively looking. Way too busy with school.
What are you studying?
Linguistics. And I’m minoring in Middle English Literature.
Oh. That’s neat.
My mum wanted me to go into healthcare like my uncle Gaius but it wasn’t for me. Language on the other hand, how it evolves and how different cultures use it to communicate, has always fascinated me.
I think that’s great
That you’re doing something you love
Hbu? Gwen said she met you by the university. Are you in school?
Yeah. Studying finance right now. My father's idea
What about what you want to do?
It’s stupid.
What?
Well, for a while I wanted to be a poverty lawyer and do pro bono work
I liked the idea of helping people who really needed it
What changed your mind?
My father talked me out of it. Said it was naive and I'd be wasting my potential
and he threatened to cut me off
Oh so you're a trust fund brat
It wasn't just that!
All I’ve ever wanted is for my father to respect me, but nothing I ever do is good enough for him. And he's right. It was a stupid idea
I think you'd make a great lawyer
Really?
Yeah. It's clear just from texting that you have a lot of practice at arguing
There's more to being a lawyer than arguing
are you sure about that
you're infuriating
just taking the piss mate ;)
For real though, I think it’s great you want to help people. Like a knight-in-shining armor. Or a prince charming
I have been told I look quite princely.
Who told you that?
Oh, many fair maidens
Can you imagine you as an actual prince? You'd probably be super hard on all your servants. And ungrateful to boot
I'll have you know I'd make a terrific prince!
How do you figure that?
For starters, I totally have the looks for it.

And that’s clearly the most important part.
Of course
All the fair men and maidens of the land would agree with me, I'm sure
well maybe except Mithian
She upset with you?
Nah. She took it ok I think
better than my last breakup in either case
What was so bad about your last breakup?
For starters, after I ended it Sophia tried to curse me
I'm guessing you don't mean curse as in swear-words
No. I mean she had an actual wooden staff she claimed was magic and she literally tried to curse me with it
I'm sorry that's
kind of hilarious
I probably would've thought so too if I hadn't been terrified out of my mind. She's a seriously scary woman
I'll take extra precautions against any Sophias I meet from now on
Probably a safe move.
Sorry, I feel like all we've done is talk about me
what have you been up to today
Nothing special. Hung out with Gwen and Lance for a bit and then watched some telly. There was a really interesting historical fantasy show on the BBC
Sounds dull
The fantasy or the historic part?
Both
What?!!!
how can you not like fantasy? It's the best genre there is
but magic is so unrealistic
You have no imagination
I'll have you know I've an excellent imagination
Oh really
One of my best qualities in fact
More like your only quality
So you do concede I have a great imagination
Fine. I guess you got me there
That's what I thought
Oh shit
what is it?
I didn't realize how late it was
Past your bedtime?
I have breakfast plans in the morning
Really? Who with?
My mate Gwaine
Don't think you've mentioned him before
he as handsome as Lance?
You agree Lance is handsome???
No
Of course not
but you and Gwen seem to think so for some reason
Hah. Right
And I guess? Gwaine does have very nice hair
the straight out of a L'Oreal commercial kind
Nice smile too
but he's a total flirt. definitely not the settling down type
Oh
well I won't keep you up any longer
have fun on your breakfast date
it's definitely not a date
and I suppose technically it's brunch, not breakfast. Jazz brunch, in fact
What the hell is jazz brunch?
it's... you know. brunch. and jazz. together
That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard
And why jazz?
Why not... I dunno, rock and roll brunch
Not as catchy of a title
Do people actually listen to jazz?
Gwaine, apparently
You have odd friends
hey!
but you're pretty odd too, so I suppose it's fitting
It's not my fault you don't have good taste in brunches
Why does brunch have to have any music playing, anyway?
Why not just 'sit in peaceful silence brunch' or 'make small-talk brunch'
Once again, it doesn't sound as catchy
Right. Well enjoy your jazz I guess
thanks. I will
Night Merlin
Good night :)

Gwaine

Today 9:53 AM
Meeeeeerlin
Answer your phone
I’ve called you a million times already
Are you there?
Wake up you lazy lump or you’re going to miss jazz brunch.
For real, it’s jazz and brunch combined. What more could a lad want?
I’m pretty sure they don’t refund our tickets if we miss it
SHIT
Gwaine I’m so sorry! I slept through my alarm.
That’s gotta be a first. Aren’t you usually an early to bed, early to rise kinda bloke
Yeah, but I stayed up late talking to Arthur
I see
What?
You were “talking” to Arthur
Well, texting, technically
Is that what the kids are calling it nowadays
It’s not like that at all. I mean, he did send me one partially nude selfie, but it was an accident
Was it tho?
Yeah…?
Hmm
He meant to send it to someone else and clicked on my name by accident.
Sure he did.
You’re as bad as Gwen!
Gwen knows? and she didn’t tell me?
I’m so disappointed in her
But hey, if this Arthur is worth missing jazz brunch for, the two of you must have something real special going on
You’re never going to let this go, are you?
Nope ;)
Ugh. Fine, but I really am sorry for missing jazz brunch. Did you wanna meet up tonight and do something to make up for it?
Let me check my social calendar
I’m an extremely busy man, Merlin. Don’t think you can cancel on me anytime and expect me to be free when it suits you
Oh what do you know. Turns out I am free tonight
Wanna hit up the Rising Sun?
Sure
You can be my wingman
S’pose it’s the least I can do
And first round's on you?
I guess
Don't sound too enthusiastic there mate
Meet there at 9:00?
Sounds good!

Notes:

next chapter summary: drunk merlin

Chapter 4

Gwen

Gwen this is all yuor fault
Oh dear. Is this about Arthur?
yes
What happened?
He finally posted a selfie on insytagtfm
Istagarm
instagram
hows it possible for someone to be that cute????
Er, I wouldn’t know. Seeing as I haven’t actually followed him yet. And you haven’t shown me the photo.
Look how soft his lips look
Merlin, you still haven’t shown me the photo
I bet theyre soft
dont they look soft
Merlin, are you drunk?
im not drubk
You’re at the pub with Gwaine, aren’t you?

Clotpole

Today 11:23 PM
you soft lips
Is that supposed to be an insult?
If so it needs some work

Gwen

You’re at the pub with Gwaine, aren’t you?
Merlin? Are you still there?
Hey Gwen, it’s Gwaine. Our Merlin’s a little sloshed. Still can’t handle his liquor
He’s not wrong tho. This Arthur fellow is quite the looker
Ah, so he showed you Arthur’s instagram selfie.
Oh yeah. He showed me, the bartender, and everyone within thirty feet of us
I suspect he’s going to have some regrets come morning
Hey, I always say if you don’t have regrets you’re doing something wrong
Right
Get him home safe, ok?
You can count on me ;)

Gwaine

Today 12:03 PM
AAHHHH
WHY DID YOU LET ME TEXT ARTHUR
you’re supposed to confiscate my phone when I’m drunk
If you’ll remember I did confiscate your phone
yeah AFTER I’d already texted him
In my defence you’re surprisingly slippery. Kind of like an eel
and you only sent him the one text
it wasn’t that bad
I told him his lips were soft!!!!
See?
That’s nothing
that’s not nothing!!! Now he knows I think about his lips
Hardly a confession of your undying love
And it's not like you waxed poetic about his arse
Of course not! I haven't even seen his arse
Now that is tragic
Why aren’t you taking this seriously?!!
I apologize. If he asks, tell him you sent it to the wrong person
but then he’ll ask who I meant to send it to
Ok then why don’t you just play it off
How?
I dunno Merlin
Ask about his lip routine or something
his what?
Lip routine. Look it up. It’s a thing
Some people use lip scrubs or special lip moisturizers or whatever
Oh great
If he didn’t think I was weird before he certainly will now
why would he think you’re weird?
For starters, I told him about jazz brunch
what’s weird about jazz brunch?
It combines two of the best things the world has to offer
Jazz and brunch
nevermind

Clotpole

you soft lips
Is that supposed to be an insult?
If so it needs some work
Today 12:18 PM
Please ignore that!
I was drunk
And had very chapped lips
Misplaced my lip balm haha
You use lip balm?
What and you don’t?
Unlike you I’m not a complete girl
Oh so men can’t get chapped lips?
also have you ever heard of the phrase ‘toxic masculinity’
As a matter of fact real men don't get chapped lips. Why do you think mine are so soft
You can’t use what I say when I’m drunk against me!
Can’t I?
No!
Says who?
Says everyone!
Strange. I’ve never heard anyone say that
Then you probably weren’t listening
Sorry. Not all of us have giant ears
Yeah, well at least I’m not a dollophead
A what?
Oh, are your eyes not working either
Define ‘dollophead’
In two words?
Yea
Arthur Pendragon
I feel I should be offended but anything defined as ‘Arthur Pendragon’ is clearly positive
If you say so, dollophead
God, you’re not going to make that my contact name are you?
Who says you’re even worthy of a contact name?
Rude
Joking. But I don’t think I’ll use dollophead
I already have your contact as ‘Clotpole’ and I’m quite partial to it
Oh great. That’s much better
I think so too :)
So why were you drunk last night? Jazz brunch must have been pretty wild
Yeaa I actually slept through my alarm and missed jazz brunch
How come?
Used to going to bed earlier I guess. Really was past my bedtime
Shit. Sorry if I kept you up late
Not your fault!
Gwaine wasn't too pleased tho
He didn’t want to go alone and the tickets were almost fifty quid total
Is that a lot?
To us minimum wage workers, yeah
I’m sorry to hear that then
Eh I’d say I made up for it considering I emptied my wallet last night buying drinks for him
And for yourself, from the sound of it
Haha yeah. Went on a bit of a bender
Was it a successful night at least?
Depends how you define successful
Well did you... you know
what?
did you pull last night?
Arthur how crass
And nope. Gwaine didn’t either, I don’t think. He practically had to carry me into a cab and I think he decided to call it a night after that.
Oh. That's too bad. I remember you saying you didn’t go to gay pubs that often anymore
Not often. But we went to a regular pub, actually
The Rising Sun if you’ve heard of it
‘Course I have
My footie mates and I used to go all the time
Of course you played football
I should’ve known
Hey I also played rugby
Not helping your case
And what exactly is my case?
You’re clearly trying to convince me that you’re not a dumb jock
Excuse you! I am no such thing!
And there’s nothing ‘dumb’ about sports. It requires strategy and fast-thinking and good interpersonal skills with your teammates
I’m sure it does
Are you telling me you didn’t play any sports in secondary school?
Nope. I was in the drama club though
I seriously can’t believe I’ve managed to talk to you as long as I have
If texting me is such a bother please don’t feel obligated to
I was joking Merlin
I actually like talking to you.
Really?
You’re easy to talk to
That’s good to hear. I like talking to you too
Well yeah. Who wouldn’t
Good to know your prattish ways will never change
It’s a key part of the Pendragon charm
also um. I was wondering, did you really mean what you said that first night I texted you? About not minding if I came to you for advice on... you know
My lifestyle choices
Your what?
Oh you mean your bisexuality?
Yes. Not that I need advice right this second.
I was just wondering if the offer still stands
Wouldn’t really call it a lifestyle choice but yeah of course!
Hey I can be your gay mentor
Your gay Obi-wan
Who?
Oh god
Tell me you’ve seen Star Wars
That’s the one with cling ons right?
There… are so many things wrong with that sentence I don't even know where to begin
First it’s Klingon
Second that’s Star Trek
I thought you said it was Star Wars
Obi-wan Kenobi is from Star Wars
Klingons are from Star Trek
Yeah but they’re set in the same universe aren’t they?
No... they're really not
That’s stupid. How many space shows are there
I can’t believe we’re having this conversation
You’re the one who brought it up
A mistake I'll be sure not to make again
Ok so you don't like fantasy and you clearly don't like sci-fi, so what do you watch?
Action, thrillers etc
I bet you watch chick flicks
I do not!
The only reason I’ve seen any is because Morgana likes them
Who’s Morgana?
Oh sorry. She’s my half-sister
I didn’t know you had a half-sister
We used to be pretty close until she had a falling out with my dad.
Oh what happened?
For the longest time my father let us believe she was adopted with no relation to us. There was this whole family scandal when the truth finally came out. Morgana’s still convinced I knew the whole time. I didn’t though.
No offence to your dad but that’s kind of messed up
Have you tried explaining the truth to Morgana?
I've tried. She didn't want to hear anything I had to say
I mean we're still on speaking terms, but it's not quite the same. She doesn't trust me the way she used to
But I suppose every family has their issues
In some ways I'm kind of glad my only family is my mum. We’ve never really fought
What happened to your dad?
It's... kind of a long story
Sorry I didn’t mean to pry
I shouldn’t have asked. You don’t have to answer
It’s fine. Really, I’d rather talk about it than avoid it.
My parents were together for a short time during college, but my dad never knew my mum was pregnant with me. He went overseas and she had no way to contact him for the longest time. He came to the UK a few years back. I tracked him down but it turned out the only reason he came back was to say goodbye to his family.
He was diagnosed with stage 4 mesothelioma. I talked with him for a bit, but I never did tell him who I was.
Shit Merlin
That’s awful.
Yeah.
For what it’s worth I never knew my mother. She died giving birth to me
Morgana always insists our father favours me, but I think he blames me for what happened to my mother.
People are always saying how I have her smile. They must be right because sometimes it seems like the only time my father can bring himself to look at me is when we’re arguing
That seriously sucks
I guess we both have a tragic backstory
Looks like it
Sorry again for bringing all this up
Didn’t mean to make the conversation all depressing and shit
Stop apologizing. I said it’s fine
And it really is. I don’t talk about my dad very often so it was… nice? bringing it up to someone else who get is, you know?
Yeah. I do
Well I’m gonna head over to Tesco’s and pick up more Tylenol
This headache is not going away
Ah still a bit hungover I take it?
I'm *never* going drinking with Gwaine again
Somehow I doubt that. I bet if you had the chance you'd spend all your free time in the local tavern
However did you know
Anyway ttyl!
Hope you feel better
Thanks :)

Chapter 5

Notes:

Thanks again everyone who's commented <3

Clotpole

Hey Merlin
Since you are, as you put it, my gay Obi-wan Could I ask you something? Of course!
How do you know if you’re attracted to someone A bloke I mean I assume it’s not all that different from being attracted to a woman
except I guess you wouldn't focus on their chest as much
Yeah but there’s a difference between finding a guy good-looking on an aesthetic level and being attracted to him Isn’t it the same way with women too?
Maybe? Hmm well how did you know if you were attracted to a woman? Like Gwen, for instance?
Idk. Usually if I think a woman’s hot I ask her out
Just like that?
Yeah
Okay, well why does it have to be different with men?
It doesn’t I guess.
I just mean there is a difference, and I’m not sure how to tell if I actually like him or if I just think he’s good-looking
Do you have someone specific in mind?
Kind of
Yes
Oh
Sorry if this is weird
It’s not weird
Why would it be
It just seems like you’re taking a long time to respond
Well excuse me for trying to come up with a thoughtful reply
I guess for starters, what do you think of this bloke?
He’s nice
That’s it?
What do you want me to say?
‘Nice’ is something you say about someone really dull with no other personality traits
It is not!
Is ‘nice’ the only word to describe this bloke?
Do I have to describe him?
I can’t really help if I don’t know what you think of him
Fine
He’s.. cute. Nice smile.
You used 'nice' again
Beautiful smile
Now we’re getting somewhere
What about his personality?
I suppose he’s caring. He’s really easy to talk to and he makes you feel like he values what you have to say
He can also be a bit of an idiot. But then out of nowhere he’ll say something surprisingly wise
Alright, it sounds like you enjoy his company. And his appearance
Could you picture yourself being with him? Like kissing him and stuff
Stuff
You know
Not sure I do
Like relationship stuff!
What "relationship stuff"
Holding hands. And maybe more physical stuff
physical stuff?
....
you're taking the piss, aren't you?
Glad you finally caught on
Well I couldn't be sure you're not 100% clueless instead of just 99%
Hey
Back to the topic
can you see yourself actually being with him?
Not.. right away
Eventually?
Yeah… yeah I think so
The only thing is, he’s more experienced than I am and I don’t really like that
Why does it matter if you’re the inexperienced one?
there’s bound to always be one partner in a relationship that’s had a little less action than the other right?
I don't care about being inexperienced
I just don't like feeling vulnerable. And not being in control of a situation
Ah I see
What?
You’re a control freak.
I’m not a control freak!
I just like knowing what to expect.
Then it’s a good thing you have your own personal gay obi-wan to teach you ;)
But honestly Arthur, I doubt this mystery man of yours will have any problem with you being inexperienced
and there’s nothing wrong with taking it slow and getting to know each other really well first
You're probably right
Usually am
so how exactly do I go about... expressing... my feelings
Maybe do a kind gesture?
Such as....?
Buy him a coffee? Or ask him to go for coffee with you
I don’t think that will work
Why not? Most people like coffee
Didn’t you say you never drink it? Makes you jittery?
I’m surprised you remembered that
But I’m probably one of the exceptions
I’m sure your guy isn’t as picky as me
Assuming he is, what should I do?
Maybe try and get him something you know he likes. Or is passionate about
Alright. I can do that
Thanks for your help Merlin
Anytime!

Gwaine

How’s Arthur dong
I sincerely hope that’s a typo
**doing
Fine I guess
You guess? You aren’t texting anymore?
No we are
As a matter of fact he just finished telling me about the bloke he's interested in
And before you ask, no it’s not me
Aw I’m sorry Merlin
For what?
You aren’t upset? Or disappointed?
why would I be
:(
It's not like I actually like Arthur that way
I've never even met him
Wanna go for a pint
To ease your broken heart
I don’t have a broken heart
I couldn't care less who he's into
Meet at the usual time?
What?
No!
I’m never going drinking with you again
You wound me, Merlin

Clotpole

Hey so I was thinking
I feel kinda bad that you missed your jazz brunch
Especially since you probably don’t have much excitement in your life
Or a very active social life
Excuse you!
So I thought I’d make up for it

It's also a thank you
for being my gay Obi-wan
Arthur what the hell!
The ticket admits two btw
It's for this Sunday if you and Gwaine want to go
you did not seriously spend £50
Hey trust fund brat, remember?
It’s like the equivalent of spending a fiver for you
How do you know I’m not secretly rich?
Are you
Maybe
I doubt it
You shouldn’t make assumptions
You told me you were a minimum wage worker
I could be a millionaire who just really enjoys working as a service specialist at the grocer's
But seriously you shouldn’t have done this
Hey I felt bad for keeping you up late
And I didn’t want Gwaine to be too disappointed
That’s thoughtful of you
I’m a thoughtful guy
Yeah. You are
Glad you’ve finally noticed
I don’t know if I can accept the tickets
Let me at least pay you back
If you pay me back that defeats the entire point of it being a gift
I’ll pay for half then
You don’t know my banking info
I'll e-transfer it
I won’t accept it
Ok well
Did you want to join us?
I’ll pay for your ticket! And then you’ll at least get something out of it
I wouldn't want to intrude
You wouldn’t be! And I’m sure Gwaine would love to meet you
Thanks for the offer
but I'm busy that day anyway
Oh. Well thank you again!!
Merlin if you thank me one more time I swear
You’ll what? Take the tickets back?
No
I’ll buy you even more tickets
You wouldn't
Don't tempt me

Gwaine

Gwaine you'll never guess what just happened
Arthur asked you to take his virginity
What? No
but he did buy us jazz brunch tickets
I'm glad to hear he finally stepped up and asked you out
No the tickets are for you and me
That’s... certainly generous of him
Yeah. He said he felt bad for causing me to sleep in and miss it
Hold up
How exactly did Arthur cause you to sleep in?
I told you we stayed up late texting
Uh huh. You realize those tickets are 25 quid each
Yeah but he’s rich
Or his dad is, anyway
He even said it’s like the equivalent of a fiver for the rest of us
You do hear yourself yeah? He spent fifty quid on you
Because you stayed up late texting each other
And you didn’t set a loud enough alarm for yourself
Er yes?
When are the tickets for?
This Sunday
Shame. This Sunday doesn’t work for me
Oh. Well I can see if they’ll let us exchange them for a different Sunday
Sorry. Can’t. I’m busy on all Sundays indefinitely
Then what am I gonna do with the other ticket?
Gee I dunno Merls
If only there was a handsome bloke who sends shirtless pics in your life to go with
What you mean Arthur? Why would he want to go to jazz brunch?
Maybe because he’d get some alone time with a certain dark-haired lad named Merlin
I already invited him to come along and he said he’s busy
And why would he want to spend time with me?
I’ll say it once more. He spent fifty pounds on you
To make up for keeping me up late! He was just being polite!
You cannot be that dense
I’m not!
He’s into you Merlin
But he just told me that he's interested in some other bloke!
Did he happen to mention this bloke's name?
Well... no...
How do you know it's not you
Why would it be me? We've never met in person
and I call him a prat and a clotpole half the time
Go ask him to jazz brunch
I already did. He said he was busy
I guarantee his answer will be different if you ask again
That makes no sense
He already has plans!
Merlin if you don’t ask him I’m going to come over to your flat, steal your phone, and ask him for you
Ok ok. I'll ask
Even though I already know he's not going to say yes

Clotpole

So I texted Gwaine
and he says thank you for the gesture but he's busy this Sunday. And all Sundays, apparently
Oh. I'm sorry to hear that Is there someone else you could go with? Er I was actually going to ask. I know you said you had plans
but if there's any chance you'd be able to make it
maybe we could go together?
Well I did have a thing but I suppose I could move it to a different day
Are you sure? I don't want to inconvenience you or anything
It's no trouble
And I must admit I am rather curious about this jazz brunch
I hope it's worth the hype
I'm sure you'll love it
and if not I promise i'll make it up to you
Just how are you going to do that?
Not sure yet. But I'll think of something
I look forward to seeing you try

Gwaine

So? What's the verdict?
He said yes
HAH! I knew it
Shut up
There's no way you could have
I’m such a good friend
I’m like the opposite of a cock-blocker
A cock-facilitator if you will
You're never going to let this go, are you?
Not a chance
This is definitely going to be included in my best-man speech at your wedding

Notes:

I spent like a grand total of five mins on that jazz brunch ticket lmao

Chapter 6

Notes:

Thanks again everyone who commented!

Gwen

Are you excited for your date?
It’s not a date Gwen
But you do want it to be
What makes you say that
Gwaine and I both think you fancy him
So does Lance
I can’t believe Lance of all people would betray me
And how can I fancy someone I’ve never actually met?
For all I know Arthur could have a super squeaky/annoying voice
He doesn't
Or bad breath
He was minty fresh when I caught a whiff
Or gross fingernails
Really Merlin
I mean, ok, he is kind of sweet in a prattish sort of way
When he’s not being a “clotpole” you mean
Exactly
And he’s really really hot
Don't tell Lance I said so, but I agree completely
But he could be totally different in person!
You’re overthinking this
Just see how it goes
It might turn out great
But what if it doesn’t?
The good news is that you’re not obligated to marry him after one date
Oh no
What?
I told him a while back I wasn’t looking for anything casual
I’m going to scare him off
How are you going to scare him off if he already knows that?
Maybe he momentarily forgot
Oh Merlin
I’m serious! I’m coming off way too strong!
He bought YOU the tickets, remember?
Yeah but I asked him to go!
He only did it as a kind gesture!
I really don't mean to be rude, but I have to ask
Are you always this dense when it comes to boys? Or is it only Arthur
Now's not the time for jokes Gwen!
Of course not
but really Merlin, don't stress yourself over this
It's a little late for that
We haven't even texted since he agreed to go with me
What if it's super awkward?
Why don't you text him now?
And say what?
Ask him how his day went
That sounds way too forced
Alright, then why don't you ask if he wants to meet you at brunch, or meet beforehand?
I'm sure the conversation will take off from there
Ok. I guess I can do that
Good luck
And keep me posted!

Clotpole

Hey, I was wondering, for brunch on Sunday did you want to meet there? Or before?
We could meet before. Carpool there maybe? oh I was actually planning on taking the tube. Since I don't drive
Never got your license?
I did! I just never got around to getting a car. Or saving up for one. It's bloody expensive, for one, and I live near the Uni anyway so it’s not like I need one
Sounds like an excuse to me
We could take the tube together if you'd like
I'm afraid I'm never taking the tube again. I made a solemn vow
Why? Is public transportation not good enough for you? Can't stand consorting with peasants?
Hardly. I had a traumatic experience
which Morgana took the liberty of filming
What happened??
Some old loon was convinced I was her husband
Bit odd since she looked about ninety years old For real?
Unfortunately yes Kept trying to snog me And even grabbed my arse at one point That's hilarious
Traumatizing, actually Just out of curiosity, does Morgana still have this video?
And if she does, could she send it my way? Strictly for research purposes
Nice try She assured me she deleted it, but I have enough blackmail material of my own in case she didn't Even if you had her # I doubt she'd be foolish enough to risk it Worth a shot
So I guess I'll meet you there, then?
Don't be stupid. I'll drive us I really don't mind taking the tube!
You say that now, but what happens when you get mugged? Or someone tries to take advantage of you? Because the chances of that are so high
If nothing else those giant ears of yours will make you a prime target Uh huh
I'm dead serious. You're at great risk Right. Well as soon as I get any unwanted attention I'll simply fend them off
And how exactly are you going to do that?
With my quick reflexes and rippling muscles, obviously
Now I'm definitely driving us.
Fine
But I'll pay for petrol!
There's no need
No I will! It’s the least I can do!
I have a full tank
I bet you’re just saying that
Sadly you’ll never know
Now I'm gonna owe you for the tickets *and* the ride there
You don't owe me anything Merlin
I'm only driving you there because it's convenient
You don't even know my address yet!
Maybe I'm completely out of the way
You don't know my address either so you'll never know if it's convenient for me or not
Never?
Way to crush a man's dreams, Arthur
Well. Maybe not never
I suppose if you were on your death-bed and your dying wish was to know my address, I'd tell you
Wow
You're a total saint
I've always thought so
So what time should I pick you up?
Hmm maybe nine am?
In the morning?
That is what a.m. means...
well I guess technically it means 'ante meridiem'
I can't remember the last time I was up that early
What?! Nine am isn't even early. That constitutes as sleeping in for most people!
And aren't you a university student?
My earliest class isn't til noon
Unbelievable
What? I make my own schedule. Why would I deprive myself of sleep?
Good point. You clearly need all the beauty sleep you can get
Cheeky
;)
I honestly can't believe I'm waking up that early for you
Your sacrifice is deeply appreciated
I would hope so. I don't wake up that early for just anyone
I'm flattered
but if your sleep is that crucial to you, 9:30 is probably fine
It's just that jazz brunch is a bit of a drive
And I really don't want to risk missing it a second time
I'll see what I can do

Gwen

So we worked it out, and Arthur's going to pick me up and drive us there
He has his own car?
Well yeah
He is filthy rich, after all
I think I'd be more surprised if he didn't have a car
Oh Merlin! That's so romantic
Being driven somewhere is romantic?? If that's true I feel bad for not giving my cab-driver a proper thank you
Arthur's going to pick you up
And probably drive you back after
And he'll walk you to your doorstep and thank you for a good time and then you'll smile shyly at each other and you'll make eye-contact and then he'll lean in and kiss you
My friend, you have been reading way too many romance novels
In my defence most of them are Lance's
He does have quite the passion for them
Him and Gwaine both
Bunch of softies
but you're definitely not a softie, is that right?
Of course not. Total macho man here
If you say so
Oh hang on I'm getting a call from Gwaine
Don't answer it, he'll talk your ear off for hours if you give him the chance
Too late
He says he wants to know why you didn't call him back
He said he left you three voicemails
Yeah, and he read safe-sex advice articles in all of them
Oh, except for the one where he was kind enough to provide an in-depth guide on anal sex
Which was extremely unnecessary, I should add
I'm assuming this means I don't have to give you the talk about the birds and the bees?
Or in your case, the bees and the bees
You're secretly a very evil woman, Guinevere Smith
Don't let Lance know
If he hasn't figured that out for himself yet, he's beyond my help
You should probably go to bed now Merlin
Gee thanks mum
I only meant, you don't want to sleep in and miss brunch again, do you?
I hate it when you're right
Have a good night Merlin
Night!

Clotpole

Today 8:53 AM
Up and at em!
It’s time for brunch
Let's have you lazy daisy
Lazy daisy ? I was trying to be a bit more creative than the usual "rise and shine"
Needs a little work
And your wake-up call is unnecessary
I'm outside your flat
Oh already?
I'm honoured you managed to wake up so early
Yes. Assuming you gave me the right address
Of course I did! Why wouldn’t I?
you seem exactly the sort to forget where you live
I’m not that dumb!
Sure
Hang on
Is that a tesla
Yeah
YOU DRIVE A TESLA
It was a birthday present
You really are a prat
Oi!
It's not like it's brand-new
It used to belong to my father
I can't believe I'm about to ride in a tesla
I'm thankful my flatmate's not here or I'd never live this down
Are you going to keep staring at me through your window or are you going to come down?
I’m on my way
Really? Cause I can still see your face squished against the window
Alright now I'm on my way down for real
Well take your time
Ok
God are you being intentionally slow
Sorry I just had a thought
Hope your brain’s not too overwhelmed
It’s so easy texting you
But what if it’s awkward in person?
Why would it be?
I don’t know. It’s just
I really like texting you
So what if you decide after today that I’m annoying
I already know you’re annoying
Ta. but for real, what if you stop texting me? I really like having someone outside my friend group to talk to and you’re a good listener
You can still text me
I’m not going to stop answering
Unless I find out you’re a complete weirdo or a vegan or something
What’s wrong with being vegan?
Oh no
Kidding I do eat meat
My mum's chicken casserole is too good to give up
I'm guessing you're not planning on giving up sausages either
Hah good one
but the meat industry does cause a lot of pollution
and I think it would be good to invest in more plant-based options.
Your concern for veganism is touching, but if you wouldn’t mind hurrying a little?
My metre is running you know
Sorry. Just one more flight to go
You took the stairs??
Yeah
I needed time to think
Couldn’t you have done your thinking before I got here?
It didn’t feel real until I saw your tesla
Alright almost there
I know. I can see you from here
Also can I pick the music?
Not on your life

Notes:

I was planning on posting a longer chapter but I decided to save the events of their date for the next chapter

Chapter 7

4 People

Gwaine
I think I speak for everyone when I say we’re all dying to know how Jazz Brunch is going
Gwen
Yeah Merlin!
Give us the details
Lance
I'm confused
What's going on?
Gwen
Merlin's on a date
Lance
Oh
With Arthur?
Gwaine
However did you guess?
It’s not a date!
And it’s going fine
I was expecting it to be awkward but it turns out Arthur is as comfortable insulting me in person as he is over text
Also he's even hotter in person
Gwaine
If it's going so well why are you on your phone? That's quite rude you know
Arthur’s in the loo rn because he spilled hollandaise sauce down his shirt
Gwen
did you get a picture?
No I was too busy laughing
Karma got me tho
I ended up snorting orange juice across the table
Gwaine
Who allowed the pair of you into a fine dining restaurant?
Hey this was your idea!
Gwaine
I still can't believe I passed up brunch so Merlin could get shagged
Gwen
You're truly the best of us
Gwaine named the conversation "Operation Get Merlin Shagged".
Lance
When did you and Arthur start dating, Merlin?
We're not dating
Gwaine
Not yet, you mean
but they say jazz brunch has a way of bringing people together
...literally no one says that
Gwaine
You don't have the same level of worldly knowledge that I have, Merls
if you say so

Clotpole

You have to check out the toilets here Arthur, how forward of you
No I'm serious
This is the fanciest loo I've ever been in
the faucets are gold, the soap smells like roses, and there are paintings on the walls
I'm glad you've finally found a toilet worthy of you and your royal behind
I'm going to let that slide for now
but what I was going to say was
it's all fancy and shit right? but then when you actually go into the cubicle there's a full-length mirror on the door. What's up with that? you're basically forced to stare at yourself while you use the toilet
Who thought that was a good idea?
Er... maybe it's for people who want to take mirror selfies
In a cubicle?
Yeah why not
You're a strange one Merlin
Hey it wasn't my idea!
If it bothers you that much why don't you close your eyes while you go
I don't have to go
Then why did you go into the cubicle in the first place?
I was curious
I wanted to know if the loo roll was printed on gold leaf paper or not
And is it?
Sadly no
Shame. Also did you get the stain out?
Not completely, but I reckon it'll have to do
That's completely unacceptable. This is a fine-dining restaurant, Arthur. You can't be seen wearing a stained shirt
What should I do then? Wear it inside-out?
That'll look even more ridiculous
You only have one option now
Do tell
I'm afraid you'll have to go shirtless for the rest of the brunch
Haha. Nice try
I'm serious
There's just no other way
Oh well in that case I suppose I'll make the sacrifice
Good
Now hurry up
I look like a loner out here and you're missing all the good jazz songs
Do good jazz songs even exist?
For your personal safety I'll make sure not to repeat that to Gwaine
I'm ever so grateful

Operation Get Merlin Shagged

Gwaine
So what's the update? Is Arthur back from the loo?
Has he declared his undying love for you?
No to both
Gwaine
Really? He's sure taking his sweet time
You're one to talk
Gwaine
???
Gwen
Come on Gwaine, we all know you spend longer in the loo than anyone
Gwaine
Hey, hair like this takes time to perfect
What's Arthur's excuse? Didn't he go to clean up his shirt
Yeah. Apparently the stain won't come out
Lance
I know some good home-made stain removers if that would help
Nah don't worry about it
I already told Arthur he has no choice but to go shirtless
Gwaine
I've never been more proud of you Merlin
Make sure you send us pics
Of course ;)
Gwen
It sounds like you're having a really good time
I am
Actually I don't think I can remember the last time I laughed so much on a not-a-date date

Clotpole

Alright I'm calling it quits. This stain is not coming out Sorry I don't think I can be seen with you
It would ruin my reputation
And what reputation would that be? My status as a member of high society
The only status you have is being a girl's petticoat 'Girl's petticoat' ? You really need to improve on your insults
Sorry. Not all of us are creative enough to come up with 'dollophead' and 'clotpole' more's the pity
Look up from your phone. I'm back and still wearing a shirt
Sorry to disappoint

Operation Get Merlin Shagged

Gwen
Aww Merlin
that's so sweet!
Gwaine
They grow up so fast
I take it back!!! Worst not-a-date date ever!!!!!
Gwen
Why?
Gwaine
What happened??
There was one custard tart left and I was very clearly about to take it when Arthur swooped in and ate it in one bite
Then the smug bastard had the nerve to ask if I’d wanted it
Gwaine
Ooh grave mistake
Never come between a man and his custard tart
bet you wanted to give him a kick in the arse for that
Well... yeah
But I also kind of wanted to kiss him

Clotpole

Didn’t anyone ever tell you it’s rude to be on your phone when you’re in a restaurant? And with company? Didn’t anyone ever tell YOU it’s rude to steal a custard tart from someone else
I’m afraid not
Then allow me to inform you. It’s a serious social taboo. Our friendship will never recover
How can I make it up to you?
Give me some of your sausage
You want my sausage?
That’s what you’ve been after this whole time, isn’t it?
The sausages on your plate, you dollophead!
Put your phone away and come and get it then

Gwen

Today at 3:07 pm
So? Did your date end like I said it would? Well Arthur did drive me home
and walk me to my doorstep
and we did the shy smiling and the eye-contact
but there was no kiss
Why not??
I don't know Gwen.
Honestly I don't
I thought for a moment there... but he didn't
Maybe he was waiting for you to make a move
I was going to
I really was
But then he stepped back and I didn’t want to force it or anything
Aw :(
I’m sure there will be more opportunities
This was only your first not-a-date date after all
I suppose
...but what if I read this wrong? I mean he was definitely flirting at some points, but maybe it was the friendly joking kind
Like Gwaine’s brand of let's give each other "brojobs" flirting
Maybe Arthur just sees me as a friend
You won’t know unless you ask
And make everything awkward? I’d rather not
I don’t know what to tell you
But if you’re not going to be upfront about your feelings, how can you expect Arthur to be upfront with his?
I hate it when you’re right
Okay fine
I’ll tell him as soon as I get a good opportunity
What would you define as a “good opportunity”
… him outright asking?
The two of you I swear

Clotpole

Hey just wanted to say thanks again for today. I had a really good time.
And I hope you did too
The jazz was alright
And I suppose the company wasn’t too bad either
Thanks a lot
What about the actual brunch part?
Oh the food was excellent.
Especially the custard tart ;)
I should’ve poisoned your orange juice
Sorry you missed your chance
I also may have smuggled a few scones in my coat pocket when we were leaving
What? How? I didn’t even see you take any
I can be sneaky when I want to
Clearly
I can’t believe I’ve been consorting with a thief this entire time
You’re not going to turn me in are you?
I’m on the phone with Scotland Yard as we speak
I’ve never felt so betrayed
Hey, you brought this upon yourself
Only the very lowest sort steals scones
What if I share them with you?
I suppose that would make up for it
Damn. Too bad I already ate them all
Bastard!
It was an honest mistake
First the custard tart and now the scones
I'm despicable, I know
If that isn't an understatement
Hey! Don't think I didn't notice you'd nicked some food off my plate while I was in the loo
I have no idea what you're talking about
Don't play innocent, Merlin. It doesn't suit you
Are you trying to say I'm naughty?
I... wouldn't have used that exact word, but yes
Oh, believe me Arthur, you have no idea
I'm sure
Well, I'd better go
My harpy of a sister's coming over so I need to hide all our sharp objects
Good luck with her
Thanks, I'll need it.
And thanks again for inviting me to brunch. I hope Gwaine wasn't too disappointed
Something tells me he'll survive

Chapter 8

Notes:

For anyone interested, I've posted a companion piece titled It's All in the Sub(text) from Arthur's perspective.

Clotpole

Saw a bird today that reminded me of you
Oh? Was it really beautiful by bird standards?
No
There was another bird about to eat a couple crisps left on the sidewalk when the Arthur-bird swooped in and stole them
The “arthur-bird” ?
Yes!
It stole from that other poor innocent bird
Just like how you stole the last dessert from me at jazz brunch
I didn’t steal it from you because you didn’t have it yet Merlin
I was in the process of putting it on my plate!
And I taught you a valuable life lesson
Which was…?
Don’t take so long
Survival of the quickest
Quickest huh?
I hope that motto doesn’t apply to the bedroom too
I assure you it doesn’t
Not in my case
Oh that's
Good to know
If one of us is a bird, wouldn’t it make more sense that it’s you?
What do you mean?
I looked it up and a merlin is a type of bird
You looked me up?
Not you
Your name
I'm so flattered
You shouldn't be
I was just curious how many cruel parents out there were actually under the impression that it’s a good name
And is it common?
Not at all
Guess I’m one of a kind then
You certainly are
Whoa that sounded dangerously like a compliment
Please. I wouldn’t want your head to get any bigger
Or your ears for that matter
Hey! If one of us has a big head here it’s you
How?
On your instagram selfie some girl named Vivian commented “Arthur you’re so hot”
And you replied “I know”
What's your point?
You're not supposed to reply to compliments like that!
Why not? I agreed with her
You're supposed to affect modesty
Or at least compliment her back
Why would I do that? Vivian's already vain enough
You must have a lot in common
Plus if I compliment her it'll just encourage her
And is that a bad thing?
It is when I have feelings for someone else
Oh right
Your mystery man
How's that going?
Alright I think
He's a bit difficult to read
What about you?
What about me?
Is there anyone special in your life?
Haha not really
That's not a "no"
I mean. I don't know
Let's just say your mystery man isn't the only bloke who's hard to read
That's unfortunate
Why can't people just be upfront about what they want. Or not send mixed messages
Right? It's so frustrating
Believe me I know the feeling
So did you do anything else today? Or did you just stare at birds?
Just stared at birds, obviously
Ah so I've discovered your secret passion
To be fair I don't just stare at them
Sometimes I feed them too
Of course you do
Hey someone’s gotta look after them
Especially since the Arthur-bird’s stealing food from the rest
Sounds like a total bastard
Oh he is
From now on I'm making it my mission to feed every bird in London except for him
That's quite ambitious of you
If you'd ever like to help please let me know
I'd be honoured

Will

Hey you wanker
What are you doing this Saturday
Studying for my midterm
No you’re not
We're having a Doctor Who marathon and then I'm going to beat your pansy arse at video games
Shit Will I really don't think I'll have time
And more like I'd beat your sorry arse
It's not healthy studying without breaks you know
You have to take care of your mental well-being
Declutter your mind by slaying dragons and shooting zombie brains
You do make a good point
Alright maybe for a little while
but then I really do need to study
Excellent
I look forward to destroying you
Better say goodbye to your loved ones while you have the chance
Hah I could say the same to you

Clotpole

Hey so I was thinking. Morgana saw the Saxon and medieval collection at the Museum of London recently
And I remember you're interested in that sort of thing
So I was wondering if maybe you'd like to go see it together this Saturday
If you're not too busy looking after all the birds in London, that is
That sounds ace!
But I actually just made plans with Will
Oh. No worries. What about on Sunday?
Ah I actually have a midterm I really need to study for
It's always so busy this point in the term
That's true. The Profs are sadists
It definitely feels that way
Would next weekend work?
It's actually my mum's birthday next weekend
but maybe we could do something another time?
Yeah definitely
Whatever works for you
Great!

Operation Get Merlin Shagged

Just out of curiosity
What does it mean if someone asks you to go to an art museum
Gwaine
Is this someone by any chance Arthur?
It might be
Gwen
Aw congrats Merlin!
Maybe you can get that kiss after all ;)
How do I know if he means it as like a platonic outing
Or if it’s meant more like a date
Gwen
It depends. How did he ask you?
He said his sister was talking about it and asked if I’d want to see it with him
Gwaine
Hmm
tbh an art museum doesn’t seem the most romantic place
Gwen
But at least you know he wants to spend more time with you
Lance
Maybe it's Arthur's attempt at being romantic
Gwen and I didn't have the most conventional first date either
Gwaine
Wait what was your first date?
Gwen
We went to the Farmer's Market together
Gwaine
You're kidding
Lance I always pegged you as an incurable romantic
Why on earth would you pick the Farmer's Market over a candlelit dinner and some good old fashioned romancing?
Lance
I was out of spaghetti squash
And I wanted to cook for Gwen
Gwaine
Ah that makes sense
And to be fair this would be Merlin and Arthur's second date so I suppose it doesn't have to be too fancy
Hey I like art museums
Gwaine
You would, wouldn't you
And Arthur specifically mentioned seeing the Saxon and Medieval collection which I told him I've studied
Gwen
Aw maybe he suggested it because he knew you'd be interested
That's what I was hoping
I'm still not sure if he means it as a date though
Gwaine
I'd say worry less about labeling it a date and focus on making it clear to Arthur you see it as a date
Er how exactly?
Gwaine
Flirt with him
Initiates tons of physical contact
Gaze into his eyes
Right. I'll keep that in mind
Lance
When is your date?
Oh um
He asked me to go with him this weekend but I can't
Gwen
What? Why not?
Studying
and I already made plans with Will
Gwaine
Why don't you go the weekend after?
It's my mum's birthday
Speaking of which I still need to get her a gift...
Gwen
Be sure to tell Hunith Lance and I wish her a happy birthday
I will!
Gwaine
Is your mum still single by any chance?
Gwaine...
Gwaine
Just asking
So then what's your plan with Arthur?
I'm not sure. We'll probably go when things are less busy
I hope so anyway
Gwen
Well keep us posted
Definitely
Also can we please change the groupchat name?
People always give me funny looks when "Operation Get Merlin Shagged" flashes up on my phone
Gwaine
Not on your life

Chapter 9

Notes:

A lot of this chapter will overlap with chapter 3 of It's All in the Sub(text). I'd recommend reading that first :)

Will

Saturday 11:08 PM
Thanks for today Will
It was great getting to kick your arse at video games again
Hah! Other way around
And that’d be a lot more convincing if you hadn’t been checking your phone every five seconds
You’d think some pornstar was hitting you up with how thirsty you looked
Erm no
I was just checking to see if Arthur had said anything yet
We haven't texted at all the past few days
Ah that makes sense
What do you mean?
Just that the way you talk about this Arthur bloke, you’d think the sun shines out of his arse
What?!! I barely mentioned him
But when you did you had that look on your face
What look?
That dopey star-eyed look like you just found out he has a twelve inch knob
I wasn't making any look like that!! And I don't know what size his knob is!
I have to say mate I haven’t seen you fall this hard for someone in years
Maybe ever, actually
Arthur’s a friend
Right
And I’m shagging her majesty the Queen of England
Wtf
She’s like ninety years old
She’s very spry for her age
Really didn’t need that imagery
You don’t know what you’re missing mate
Plus she lets me wear the crown
Eugh
Nice to know you never change
For real tho, I hope it goes well with this Arthur fellow
And if not you can count on me to slash the tires of his tesla
I don't think that'll be necessary, but thanks for the offer

Clotpole

Today 1:02 PM
Hey Merlin
Arthur! Hey :)
How have you been
Haven't heard from you in a few days now

Gwen

so Arthur finally texted me again
That's great!
except I replied right away and sounded way overeager
Ugh I’m actually cringing
He probably thinks I'm desperate
I'm sure he doesn't think that!
Gwen I literally replied in under ten seconds
Oh that... that is pretty fast
But to be fair you are a fast typer
ugggghhhh

Clotpole

Er yeah
And I've been fine
How was your weekend? With Bill
*Will
And it was nice! I'm sorry we couldn't go to the museum together though
Oh no worries.
Some other time maybe
Definitely!
Right. so I actually had a question
I was thinking of putting myself out there in the world of gay dating
But a gay bar seems a little too public
So I was wondering if you have any advice about dating apps? And which ones to use?
Dating apps?
Yeah

Gwen

Haha so
I guess it's fair to say Arthur doesn't fancy me
What???
Why do you say that
He's signing up for a gay dating app
Why would he do that?!
Apparently he wants to enter "the world of gay dating"
And clearly with someone who isn't me
Was he being serious? Maybe he meant it as a joke
It didn't really seem like a joke
I'm sorry Merlin :(
The worst part is he's asking me for advice on which app to use
What do I say
Well...
I personally would never suggest this because it would be sort of not good...
but I'm sure Gwaine's advice in this situation would probably be to take advantage of the situation and sabotage Arthur
That is definitely the kind of diabolical scheme Gwaine would suggest...
And while I don't always agree with his methods, he usually gets results
Also very true

Operation Get Merlin Shagged

Gwaine
Does anyone else ever get a weird feeling like someone's talking about you behind your back?
Kind of like a fifth sense
Lance
No
Why do you ask?
Gwaine
I can't explain it. I just had the strangest feeling that someone's badmouthing me...
Lance
Weird
Also, I think you mean a 'sixth sense'.

Clotpole

I guess there's Christian Mingle if you want to go that route
I was thinking something a little more general to start
Right. There's always tinder and grindr I guess
I've never actually used them though so they might be more for hookups
That's fine
Oh
Then great
I hope that goes well for you
What photos should I use?
How about the one where you have seven chins
Haha. No. I deleted it off my Instagram so it’s gone forever
Did I not mention that I took a screenshot of it?
You better not have!
First rule of the internet Arthur. Nothing you delete is ever truly gone
Delete it this instant
Sorry no can do
Merlin
I’m warning you. Delete it right now
Why don’t you come over here and make me ;)
Maybe I will
I’d like to see you try
You should careful what you wish for
But fine. Keep the photo
I’ll just take an even worse one of you to compensate
And how are you going to do that?
You’re forgetting I know where you live. I’ll come over and catch you by surprise
In that case I won’t ever let you into my flat
I’ll climb through the window
I live on the fourth floor
I’m prepared to climb
Uh huh. Good luck
Better stay prepared. I'll do it when you least expect it
I'll keep that in mind
Do you think this photo would be okay for my dating profile?

Gwen

Holy shit
Arthur’s just sent me the selfie he wants to use for his profile
He's so hot
I’ll never be over his eyes fuck
Are you going to convince him not to use it?
Because if it's really that good of a photo, he'll probably get a lot of interest
Shit you’re right
What should I say? If I lie and tell him the photo's bad he might come up with a better one
Hmm
I suppose what you could do is try to convince him to deliberately put a bad photo
Wouldn't he see that as kind of counter-intuitive?
Um, you could tell him that men who post silly photos of themselves get more matches?
Because they're less intimidating
And come across as having a good sense of humour?
That might work actually
I'll see if I can get him to post the seven chins/flared nostrils photo. That's about as unflattering as you can get.

Clotpole

Merlin?
Um yeah
It's... it's fine
That’s not very reassuring
It’s good
Just good?
What do you want me to say? It's very nice
Were you not hassling me for using the word ‘nice’ not too long ago
Fine. You look extremely sexy. Like, I want to rip your clothes off and climb you like a tree sexy
Are you happy now?
Well now I feel like you’re just saying that
Hey, I can’t compliment you too much
We've already established you have a giant head
How rude
But alright then. I guess I'll use that photo
Hang on
I just had a thought
Hope you didn't strain yourself
You don’t want to look good in all your photos
And why is that?
People get intimidated easily! Even attractive blokes. You need to at least post one pic of you looking stupid
Otherwise you won't get any matches
Trust me
What photo should I use then?
And don't you dare say the seven chins one
Do you have any of you looking… not perfect?
Are you saying I usually look perfect?
No
Shut up
You know what I mean
Not so sure that I do
And I don’t really make a habit of saving bad photos of myself on my phone, but Leon or Perce might have some
My ex girlfriends probably have loads as well but I’d rather not ask them
Alright here’s one of me from when I had a little trouble getting undressed

In my defence the shirt was ridiculously tight
Ah, yes. Blame it on the shirt
Are you implying that I'm fat?
I would never do such a thing
Also is there a reason your friends Leon and Perce had that photo of you saved?
We were playing strip poker
A great game to play with your completely platonic straight friends
There was a whole group of us, actually. And there were girls there too, for your information
Right. Of course.

Gwen

Oh god Gwen look at this

I think
I might just be the tiniest bit in love with him?
This is even worse than the other photo of him! I can't stop smiling at it
Oh Merlin
I really feel like there's only one thing you can do now
Please don't tell me I have to move on
I wasn't going to say that
I'm not telling him how I feel either! He's about to make a dating profile
it's a little too late
Even though I think you should tell him, I understand how scary it is.
But what if you could prove that he likes you back?
Yeah.. I'm sure texting him "btw are you interested in me romantically and or sexually" won't make me sound like a loser
That's not what I'm getting at
I think you should join the same dating app
Find his profile, and match him
No offence Gwen, but that's one of the worst ideas you've had
No, it's brilliant. It doesn't notify him that you've liked him. He'll only know if he likes your profile too and you match
I guess I could try...
But won't it take forever to find him?
Not if you narrow down your criteria
How old is Arthur?
I... don’t actually know
Probably around the same age as me?
Maybe a year or two older?
Alright, that's a good starting point. And you can limit the range of potential matches to a nearby distance
I hope this doesn't take too long
I do have actual assignments to get done today
What do you value more? The potential love of your life? Or a school assignment you'll forget about in a month
Well when you put it like that...

Clotpole

Today 4:26 PM
So how goes the world of gay internet dating?
Have you had any matches yet?
Just one bloke named George
Oh. And how is that going?
I’ve seriously never met anyone more boring
He makes jokes about brass
Brass, Merlin!
Can you imagine?
I’m sure the two of you will be very happy together
Don’t even joke
So what made you decide to match him? He must be quite fit
Not really
I actually liked his profile by accident
Poor George :(
no POOR ME
I'm the one who has to endure his brass jokes
Technically you don't *have* to
You could unmatch him
Believe me, I'd like to
Then why don't you?
Wait, let me guess
the great Arthur Pendragon is too much of a polite and noble gentleman to unmatch someone on a dating app
Good thing, too. You'd probably permanently destroy poor George's self esteem
Shut up

Gwen

Holy shit
I just found Arthur's profile
Wow his bio literally is just "1.83 m"
OMG
Have you liked him yet?
Not yet
Shit I'm nervous
What do you have to lose?
Oh, only my dignity, pride, and faith in myself to find love
Like I said, he'll only know you've liked his profile if he's liked yours as well
Ok here goes
Does it say you've matched?
No. It doesn't say anything
Oh. Well don't get discouraged! He might not have seen your profile yet
Yeah maybe
Um I think I'm going to go for a walk around the block
Do you want me to come over? Maybe you, me, and Lance could watch a film together and get your mind off it?
Nah that's okay
Thanks though

Clotpole

Today 5:19 PM
Hey so um
I found your profile
I thought you didn't use dating apps?
Er so
It says we matched

Today 5:54 PM
Sorry I was out
And haha yeah looks like we did match
Indeed we did
So I have to ask, did you like my profile by accident?
Or as a joke?
Is that why you liked mine?
Oh. Well you know
Thought it was neat seeing someone I know on there
Yeah same here
I guess the UK has a smaller gay dating pool than I thought
Haha yeah it would seem so

Gwen

Fuck we matched
That's great!
Isn’t it?
See you would think so
Except we just played it off like it was for laughs
Why would u do that...
I panicked!
And what was I supposed to say?
“I only joined this dating app to find you and see if we’d match because I’m totally gone on you”
That would've been a start, yeah!
Shit
Why am i like this
It's not too late to tell him
I think I'm going to go for another walk...

Notes:

Next chapter: Morgana intervenes

Chapter 10

Unknown Number

Today 8:18 PM
What are your intentions with Arthur Pendragon?
Um who is this?
Oh don’t tell me.
Are you one of his crazy exes?
Please. It is so like Arthur to call his exes crazy rather than admit he’s a thoughtless sod with the emotional range of a parsnip
You’re saying Sophia wasn’t a nutter?
Huh. I confess I'd forgotten about her. Alright, I’ll concede she was barmy
But Sophia was the exception. The rest were more or less fine. A little arrogant and narcissistic, maybe, which is probably what brought them and Arthur together in the first place
Right...
Not that it isn’t fun chatting about Arthur’s exes with a complete stranger, but may I ask how you got my number?
From Arthur’s phone
Obviously
And he leaves his phone lying around unlocked does he?
Lying around? Yes. Unlocked? No.
My brother’s not quite that stupid. But he does have Touch ID enabled and it wasn’t difficult lifting his fingerprints
You lifted his finger prints?? Are you some sort of super villain
Depends who you ask
Wait a second. Brother? That means you’re Morgana, aren’t you?
He’s mentioned me? I’m flattered.
But let’s not prevaricate. What are your intentions with Arthur?
Why do you care?
He’s been hurt before and I’d like to prevent him from becoming even more socially stunted
Arthur is a grown man and this is conversation is veering from sibling protectiveness into levels of creepiness
Apologies but my brother is an idiot. His personal judgement can’t be trusted
Do you intend on using him for money? Our family is quite well off
What? No!
Why would I want his money?
I’ve perused your Instagram. The scarves you’re so fond of wearing look quite ratty
Excuse you, my mum made them! And how have you seen my instagram? I’m on private
Arthur’s following you of course. He spends an unhealthy amount of time looking at your photos, just so you're aware
Good to know I guess?
Do you interrogate all of Arthur's friends like this?
Is that all you are? Just friends?
Again, not really any of your business
So you do fancy him
What? I didn't say that
You didn't deny it either
There's nothing to deny
If not money, why are you interested in my brother?
Who said I'm interested?
Let me rephrase. Why are you interested in being friends?
He’s sweet for one
Debatable
It’s really not
I mean, yeah, he can be a bit of a turnip head, but he's incredibly sweet
And thoughtful
Clearly your personal judgement is just as bad as his
But I do have to know
Did his plan to seduce you with his Instagram selfies work?
His what?
Well technically that’s not what he called it
But when Arthur comes to me asking for selfie advice to improve his Instagram, he’s clearly trying to impress someone, and that someone is evidently you.
How do you know?
For starters, he was nearly dancing with joy when you liked his photo
Really?
Yes. In all fairness it was an excellent photo. All thanks to me of course
Arthur wanted to use a ghastly filter but I made him see reason
Wow. I guess I have you to thank then. Don’t tell him I said this but he looked really hot
From an objective standpoint, I mean
You don’t have to worry. I’d never willingly compliment him. If his head gets any bigger his body won’t be able to support it
Now that we’ve established you are, at least somewhat, attracted to my brother, are you interested in dating him?
Funnily enough, I don’t recall consenting to an interrogation
You have backbone, Merlin. I approve
No offense but I can't say I particularly care about your approval
Are you aware Arthur has joined a dating app?
Considering I've been giving him advice on it, yeah I am
I know he asked for your advice on it, but are you aware he actually joined one?
Yes...
I mean I did match with him on it
You matched?! Does this mean you're officially seeing each other?
No..
Arthur only liked my profile because he knows who I am. He was just taking the piss
I assure you he was not
Right
I'm pretty sure if that were the case he would have told me he fancied me instead of joining a dating app
No, you don't get it. He was only supposed to tell you he was joining one to gauge if it would make you jealous
That's ridiculous
Not one of my better plans, I'll admit
Hold on, it was your idea for him to try online dating?
Yes. Obviously.
That's how you can trust me when I say my brother is arse-over-tit for you
And my intuition tells me its mutual
So I'll ask again. Do you fancy my brother?
Um I mean, confessing my feelings for Arthur to you before telling him seems a bit backwards, doesn't it?
Then make sure you tell him yourself
I'm not sure that's something I want to tell him over text
Hmm. Fair enough
Has Arthur invited you to his birthday party yet?
His what
Ah. That’s a ‘no’ then. He’s probably worried you won't want to come.
Why wouldn't I?
Don’t ask me. Arthur’s the clueless one
I’ll work on him, though. Text me if he doesn’t invite you by the end of the week and I’ll give his arse a kick.
Um… okay.
It was lovely getting to know you Merlin
I feel obligated to say “likewise” but if I’m being honest I’m not really sure how I feel about you yet
Most people express general feelings of awe or fear
Yeah I reckon that about sums it up
By the way Merlin, I'd appreciate it if you didn't let Arthur know about our chat
He tends to get angry when people intervene in his social life
I can't imagine why

Operation Get Merlin Shagged

The weirdest thing just happened to me
Lance
What?

Arthur’s sister got my number from his phone and is giving me the talk
Gwaine
What talk? Like the birds and the bees talk?

Noo the “if you hurt my brother I will end you” talk
Gwen
Omg
Merlin do you know what this means?

Arthur's sister is terrifying?
Gwen
Arthur likes you!
And he's probably serious about it if his sister went to the trouble of messaging you

I dunno. Maybe

Morgana seems to think he does
Lance
Are you going to talk to Arthur about it?

I'm er not really sure

Morgana asked me not to mention her interference and I think I'd prefer telling Arthur my feelings in person

Confessing you have feelings for someone isn't really something you do over text, right?
Gwen
In most cases, I'd tend to agree, but I feel like it'd be almost fitting if you told him over text
Given that's how the two of you started talking in the first place

I'll think about it

Lance

Merlin, I really don't mean to pry
Or pressure you to do something you're not ready to do, but I think you should tell Arthur how you feel.
I'm sure I will eventually... in person...
Are you really set on telling him in person, or are you only using that as an excuse so you don't have to tell him now?
If I'm being honest... I guess the second one
I just don't know what to do! I've had bad luck with dating in the past but I've never met someone like Arthur before! We tease each other, and his sense of humour is perfect, and he's hot, and sweet and at this point I'm so invested in the idea of us dating that I'm worried about what I'll do if he doesn't want to
And he told me back when he was seeing this girl Mithian that he only wanted a casual relationship, but I don't think I could really handle a casual relationship with him without getting even more attached
I understand how you feel. I was nervous about asking Gwen out too
Yeah but your situation is different! Everyone knows you and Gwen are perfect for each other!
I didn't
Not at first. I was so shy around her and my family was never well-off. I didn't have money to buy her nice things and I was worried I wouldn't be enough
What? Seriously?
but the two of you are practically soulmates! And Gwen's always been crazy about you
I realize that now, but asking her out the first time felt like a big risk
In either case, I can't promise you and Arthur will work out but from everything I've heard, the two of you complement each other really well
"Two sides of the same coin" is how my mom described us when I told her about Arthur
Hunith is a wise woman
You should listen to her
I just don't know what to say! We've only met in person one time. What if he thinks I'm weird for crushing on him already?
And how do I tell him I have feelings for him?
"Hey Arthur, I think you're really fit and I want to lick the abs that you probably have hidden under your shirt and maybe even take your gay virginity"
That won't make things awkward at all!
Well you don’t have to be quite that forward
I'm sure a simple “I fancy you” would do
But the longer you put it off, the harder it will be to tell him. I've learned that from experience
Ugh
You're probably right. As usual
Thanks Lance
Anytime, Merlin (:

Clotpole

Today 10:37 PM
Hey Arthur. Please don't let Morgana know I'm telling you this, but I just got the third-degree from your sister
She’s a little terrifying over text?
I can’t imagine what she’s like in person
Or how you’re not seriously scarred from growing up with her
SHE WHAT
What did she say?
Oh, introduced herself. Made some small-talk, mostly
Merlin
Don't lie to me. Morgana abhors small-talk.
What did she say to you?
Um well she kind of invited me to your birthday
I won't come though! Unless you'd actually want me there. I wouldn't want to impose
I figure you don’t want me to come since you haven’t mentioned it
No I do
If you'd be interested, that is
Really? Or are you just being polite?
Merlin. When I have ever been polite to you
Oh. Good point
I would like it if you came
And you can bring friends along if you want.
Er are you sure it wouldn't be awkward seeing Gwen again? After she gave you the wrong #
It may have bruised my pride a bit, but I'm definitely not upset with her. I got to meet you after all
And the more the merrier
If you really don’t mind I think Gwaine would like to meet you
I confess I’m a little curious about him too
Still can’t believe there’s actually someone out there who likes jazz brunch
I thought you liked it
Well yeah, but only after I’d gone with you
I’d never have tried it otherwise
Fair point
Also um there's something else I need to talk to you about it. I keep putting it off but I need to say it
What is it?
Uhhhhh
Merlin?
Okay. Um. Here goes.
So Morgana kind of implied that you only joined a dating app to try to make me jealous?
Morgana needs to learn to keep her mouth shut
Yeah. She, uh, wasn't wrong though
About what?
It did make me jealous
And not just the thought of you with another bloke. The thought of you with anyone else
Because I like you. A lot. Even though you're a dollophead and a clotpole I really like you. You're funny and sweet and I love the sound of your laugh and the colour of your eyes and how soft your lips look and the way you smile fondly at me after we tease each other
I like talking to you. In person and over text. I feel comfortable around you and safe around you and I don't think I've ever felt this way before about someone
So... yeah. That about sums it up
No rush or anything but if you could reply soon that would be good
I'm only freaking out a little here but take your time
Arthur?
Can you just say something?
Even if it's just to tell me you're disgusted with me or you don't want to talk to me anymore could you please respond?
Shit! Sorry I was making a sandwich
You... you were what
You were taking so long to type
And I'm in a snacking mood
I POURED MY HEART OUT TO YOU AND YOU WERE MAKING A SANDWICH????
...yes?
Here I was hoping this would be romantic
It is romantic
How exactly?
Because I feel the same way
Wait what? You do?
Yes. I do.
But I'm afraid I didn't prepare a speech in advance so I suppose I'll have to wing it
I don't know when exactly it was that I started liking you, but I was impressed when you stood up to me after I was an arse to you. When you sent me that selfie, I thought you were incredibly sexy, and the photo of you smiling was even worse! Something about you made it so easy to open up to right from the start. I told you stuff about myself I haven't told anyone, not even Leon or Percy or Morgan
And don't get me started about when I picked you up for jazz brunch. You were even more gorgeous in person and your *voice.* I thought I was going to get a hard-on in the middle of a brunch surrounded by old people. Can you imagine how mortifying that would've been? All the old folks would've thought me a terrible pervert and it would've been all your fault!
You like my voice? I don't think I've ever heard anyone comment on it before
God Merlin, it's so sexy. Everything about you is
Even my gigantic ears?
Especially your gigantic, cute, endearing ears
What happens now? Would you want to go out on a date? Or keep it more casual?
What do you want?
I'm fine with anything. Casual is fine if that's what you want
It's not
Not with you
Oh, thank god. I was lying. I don't want a casual relationship with you either
That's good then. I'm glad we're on the same page
I can't believe it took us this long
It wouldn't have if you hadn't turned me down when I asked you out
What are you talking about? You never asked me out
Yes I did. I asked you to the museum and you made up a bunch of excuses
You never said that was a date!!! And I didn't make up any excuses! I really did have a midterm to study for and plans with Will and my mum's birthday. She lives in Wales so I spent the whole weekend there
Oh. I didn't realize
I guess we've both been kind of stupid
I blame you
ME?
I’m never normally stupid
So clearly this is a result of your excessive stupidity infecting me
Sure, that’s definitely it
What happens now? Do you want to go out on a date?
I would love to
But I actually have more midterms to study for
Tell me you're joking
I really wish I was
But I have to keep my grades up
There's a scholarship I'm trying to get but I need a high GPA for it
Will you be free in a few weeks? That's around when we'll be celebrating my birthday
I'll definitely be there
Alright. Well. I guess I'll see you then
Have sweet dreams (of me)
They won't be very sweet then
I take back every nice thing I said about your ears
I was just kidding, no need to go that far
Have a goodnight Arthur <3
You too, Merlin

Notes:

about time amirite

Chapter 11

Notes:

Chapter 4 of It's All in the Sub(text) is posted as well!

Lance

Hey Lance
Just wanted to say thanks
I told Arthur how I felt and it turns out he feels the same way
That's great Merlin!
I'm happy for you
:)
Also, Gwen is reading this over my shoulder just so you know
She's squealing very loudly
OHMYGOSH MERLIN THIS IS WONDERFUL IM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!!!!
YOU NEED TO TELL ME EXACTLY WHAT YOU SAID NEXT TIME I SEE U. AND WHAT HE SAID BACK
That was Gwen. She stole my phone
I figured that's what happened
Thanks Gwen. I'm quite happy for me too

Operation Get Merlin Shagged

Hey so now that Arthur and I are a couple
He's invited me to his birthday party and you're all welcome to join me
Gwaine
It's about time!
Gwen
Do you want us there with you? Or would we distract from your alone time with him?
I’m not sure there will be much alone time since all of his friends are going to be there too
And his sister, I’m assuming. I’m not sure I feel brave enough facing Morgana on my own
She said she likes me but she seems pretty intimidating
Gwen
Well of course we'll support you Merlin! I just hope it isn't awkward since I did give Arthur the wrong number. You don't think he's holding a grudge over that, is he?
Gwaine
Oh, who cares about that. Life is too short for grudges
The real question is will there be free booze?
I'm sure it won't be awkward. In fact Arthur and I already spoke about it. His words were basically he's not upset with you because he got to meet me because of you
Gwen
Aw Merlin that's so sweet! I do still feel kind of bad, but I suppose this will be the perfect opportunity to apologize?
Gwaine
Yes, yes but back to the more important topic? Booze? Yay or nay?
I'm sure there will be alcohol provided. And if not I promise I'll go with you for drinks again soon
Gwaine
Yes! Knew I could count on you
But I'm not under any circumstances getting drunk again
The last thing I need is to completely embarrass myself drunk-texting Arthur now that we're together
In fact, maybe I'll just stick with drinking water
Gwen
I'm sure Arthur wouldn't mind getting drunk texts from you. If it were me I'd find it cute
I don't want to be cute! I want him to think I'm sexy
Gwen
I'm sure he already does
Gwaine
Alright, I promise to cut you off next time if I think you're getting sloshed. How's that?
In that case, I tentatively accept
Gwen
When is Arthur's birthday party?
Two weeks from now
Saturday night
Gwen
I'll put in my event planner!
Lance
Gwen, isn't that the weekend your brother is visiting?
Gwen
Oh shoot! You're right. I forgot he's visiting
How is Elyan doing?
Gwen
He's been doing well! He really likes his study abroad program
He's been trying to talk me into studying abroad as well, but I like it too much here
Gwaine
Nothing like jolly old England's rainy weather, is there
Gwen
Well there's that. And the people here are pretty special too
Lance
:)
Gwaine
Ugh I'm getting a cavity. Merlin, I hope you and Arthur won't flirt like that
Nah. Our brand of flirting is more playful insults
Gwaine
Good that's much more palatable
So Gwen, do you think you'll still be able to make it? You could bring Elyan along too
Gwen
I'm sure Ely wouldn't mind. And if he does, I still have a favour to cash in
Lance
What favour is that?
Gwen
Remember when I helped him with his project for his welding class? I got him an A and his professor went on about how he was a blacksmith in the making. He still owes me for that.
Gwaine
Ah, nothing hotter than a woman who knows her way around a power tool
Lance
Gwaine, please don't hit on my girlfriend
Gwaine
Sorry. My bad
It's practically a reflex at this point
I don't want Elyan to feel forced into coming, though! It's fine if he doesn't want to come. I just think it'd help having people I know with me. Meeting Arthur's friends feels like a big step
Even though I guess it shouldn't. It's not like he'll be introducing me as his boyfriend
Gwen
He won't? Why not?
I mean, I doubt it? I don't think he's come out to them yet?
Gwaine
Wow really? I wonder why not?
I think he's worried
About being judged
Gwaine
Are his friends homophobes or something?
Um. Probably not. Doesn't mean it's not still nerve-wracking coming out
Gwaine
Fair point. Well, when he does feel ready to come out to his mates, let Arthur know ol Gwaine here has his back.
Er sure. I'll let him know
I'm sure he'll appreciate it
Gwaine
I'm always here to help and support ;)
Yeah you are.
All three of you have been really supportive. I don't think I would've been brave enough to confess how I feel to Arthur without all of your support
It still feels kind of surreal
Lance
I'm glad we could help
Gwen

Gwaine
Anytime Merls
Gwen
Oh, also should we bring a gift for Arthur?
Ah. Um. I hadn't really thought of that?
I don't think he's expecting one from the three of you
But I definitely have to get him something
Lance
What are you going to get him?
That's... a great question
Anyone have any suggestions?
Gwaine
Jazz brunch tickets!
Besides that
Gwaine
A bottle of wine, maybe?
Or vodka
No alcohol
Or whiskey
Oh
Gwen
What is Arthur interested in?
He likes action movies
And scones and custard tarts
And football and rugby
Oh and he wants to be a poverty lawyer but his father's pressuring him to go into business so he's studying finance
Gwen
Hmm well I'm not sure you can do much about that last part, but you could take him out to see an action movie? Or buy him a new football and bake him custard tarts and scones.
Yeah. That's not a bad idea
Then again, I feel like going to the cinema is a typical date. And I don't know if he needs a new football? I could make him homemade scones, but that's not special enough for a birthday present either
Gwaine
Why don't you ask Arthur what he wants?
I feel like it should be a surprise
Gwaine
In that case, I suppose it's a lucky thing you have his sister's number, isn't it
She probably knows him better than anyone
I was kind of hoping to avoid texting her, but that is a good point

Morgana

Hi Morgana
Merlin! To what do I owe the pleasure?
So, as you know Arthur's birthday is coming up
Indeed it is
And I was wondering if you had any ideas for what I should get him?
Funny. Uther just asked me the same thing
Uther?
Arthur's father
Oh
What did you tell him? Just so I make sure I don't buy Arthur the same gift
He's buying Arthur two tickets to Italy for the summer
Ah. A little out of my budget
The tickets are for him and his girlfriend to enjoy
His... girlfriend?
You, of course
Sorry if this wasn't already clear but I'm not a woman
Yes, I know that
But when I heavily implied Arthur was seeing someone he's quite serious about, Uther naturally made his own conclusions
And you didn't correct him?
Why would I? That's Arthur job, not mine
Fair enough. I can't picture Arthur being too pleased if his father found out from you
I'm not sure what impression my brother's given you, but Arthur's not open and out about his bisexuality
He's always been desperate to please Uther—and others for that matter—even if it means suppressing certain aspects of himself
Uther favours Arthur, but he's also always held both of us at a distance. Growing up Arthur referred to him only as "father." Never "dad" or anything less formal. Their relationship is a rather reserved one
So while I can't imagine dating a closet case is ideal for you, the fact that he came out to you is surprising in and of itself
I don't care if Arthur's not out yet
He said I'm the first bloke he's dated and he deserves time to get himself sorted. I'm not going to pressure him to come out when he's not ready
I'm glad to hear you say that.
From what I've heard I think you're really good for him
I'd be better if I knew what to get him for his birthday
I was thinking maybe a new football?
Leon and Percival have likely already thought of that
Damn.
What are you getting him?
Condoms and lube. Since he has you I suppose he won't have much need of a dildo
um
I'm kidding.
I wouldn't actually give him condoms and lube
Oh ok
Considering it's what I gave him last year
As fun as discussing condoms with my boyfriend's sister is, do you have any other suggestions?
"Boyfriend" huh?
Yes. We're together now
Oh, I know that.
Arthur wasn't sure what terminology to use. He had a mini crisis earlier
Is he okay?
Yes, yes he's back to his regular obnoxious self
As for his birthday gift, the best suggestion I could offer is to get him something personal. Something that reminds him of you
Yeah, that's what Gwen suggested
A friend of yours, I presume
Oh, yeah sorry
She's the one who gave Arthur my number in the first place. Oh you mean Guinevere. Arthur mentioned her.
Yeah. She felt bad turning Arthur down and decided giving him my # was somehow better
Hah! I like this Gwen
I hope you'll bring her round to Arthur's birthday
Um yeah probably. He did say I should bring friends
Good. Even if he hadn't I would insist
Anyone who turns my brother down is good in my books
Really?
So you would've been pleased if I'd turned your brother down?
Of course not! He doesn't have just a minor, inconsequential crush on you. If you turned him down I'd naturally have to avenge his broken heart
Right. Naturally.
Whatever you decide for his birthday, I'm sure he'll love it.
You could give him a stick-figure drawing and I'm sure he'd hang it up on his wall
That's brilliant
A stick-figure drawing? Really
I confess I was being facetious, but if it's what you want to give him...
Not a drawing, but a picture to hang on his wall.
A picture of what?
I'll let you know once I've got it. Thanks Morgana!
You're welcome?

Clotpole

Today 9:17 PM
I got you something today
For your birthday
I wish I could give it to you now but I guess it'd be better if I kept it a surprise
Way to leave me in suspense Merlin
It's only two weeks away
Exactly. Two whole weeks of waiting
Patience is a virtue
I think I'm already virtuous enough
Hmm I don't know about that
You did steal those scones at jazz brunch
And there was that time you sent me a shirtless picture of yourself
By accident!
Still counts
You're right. I'm a total harlot
But I can start leading a chaste life now, if you'd like
Oh... no.... you don't have to go that far
Really, I don't mind
I can't allow the great Merlin Emrys to have a non-virtuous boyfriend. I think it's time for an oath of chastity
You know, I'm really starting to think you don't deserve a present at all
You're probably right, but since you've already bought it, no need to let it go to waste
Well, technically I didn't buy it
Not all of it anyway
Now I'm intrigued
Good! Then you have something to look forward to
How about I guess what it is and you have to tell me if I'm right?
Is it a homemade scarf?
Hey, I didn't agree to tell you anything!
A nude bust of me?
Nope. And even if it was, I wouldn't tell you
That's no fair
I'll figure it out eventually
Somehow I really don't think you will :)
Merlin?
Yeah?
There's something I want to talk to you about.
That doesn't sound ominous at all
Morgana opened her mouth again and informed my father that I'm seeing someone.
He, uh, wants to meet you
Wow. Didn't think we'd be doing the meet the parents thing so soon. Before a proper date even
He's not even in England at the moment so it would be a long ways off. I was just wondering if you'd be open to having dinner with him.
I'd be there too of course
Well, yeah. Definitely. I mean, he's your father, I hope I'd meet him sometime.
I'd like you to meet my mum sometime too. She's already asked about you.
Your mum knows?
Yeah
Don't tell me. Morgana blabbed to her too?
Hah, surprisingly that's one phone number your sister hasn't gotten hold of yet.
I told mum last night. We had a long phone call about it. She's really excited about you
I hope I don't let her down
Please. She hasn't even met you yet and she already adores you! Just be your usual prattish self and I'm sure you'll charm her.
There's something else.
My father knows I'm seeing someone, but he thinks it's a girl.
I see
Well, he'll be in for a bit of a fun surprise, won't he?
Leon and Percival know I'm seeing someone too. When I told them they automatically assumed it's a woman too.
Did you correct them?
I wanted to but I just. Froze. I'm sorry
Don't apologize to me! I get it. And I don't want you to feel pressured to do anything you're not ready for.
It's just. I've never been against homosexuality. Or bisexuality or anything like that. It's easy to support other people who are, but the fact that it's me just makes it... hard. I don't want them to be disappointed or change how they view me. I mean, Leon and Perce and I change shirts around each other all the time. What if they no longer feel comfortable being shirtless around me? Not that I would blame them
If they do get uncomfortable, they're being idiots. Anyone, even a straight bloke, should feel flattered to be checked out by someone as attractive as you.
In that case, the only one who should feel flattered is you.
Is that your way of saying you think I'm attractive? And that you check me out a lot?
You already know I do.
Yeah, but it's nice being reminded
In that case, I'll be happy to remind you every day about how right fit you are
I appreciate it
Though I wish I could hear it in person
Well, if someone wasn't such a nerd, we'd have time to go out sooner
Only a couple more weeks until your party, and after that my schedule clears up for a bit
S'pose I'll bide my time until then
Good night Arthur.
Good night love
Love?
Thought I'd try it out
Nvm
It was weird
Nono I like it
But don't think it'll make me stop calling you a clotpole
Trust me, I wouldn't dream of it

Notes:

Feedback is appreciated

Chapter 12

Notes:

I know this is super late and I'm not sure if anyone's even still following this series but I am intending to update quicker now!

Operation Get Merlin Shagged

Gwen
Hey Merlin, for Arthur’s bday this weekend did you want to meet there or should we all go together?
Elyan said he'd love to come with us btw!
Hello?
Merlin?
Answer your phone please :)
Gwaine
I love how when Gwen uses that smiley face it actually means she’s annoyed
Lance
I know. It took me ages to figure that out
Gwaine
It’s like a passive aggressive smiley when she uses it
= happy, :) = planning on killing u
Gwen
I’ve no idea what either of you are talking about :))
Gwaine
Shit she’s really going to kill us
Gwen, please don’t kill anyone
And we can go to the party together!
I’d feel way too awkward showing up alone
Lance
How many people are going to be there?
I’m not sure. Arthur’s only mentioned his friends Leon and Percy before, but he plays football and rugby so some of his teammates might be there as well
Gwaine
Isn’t it kind of nerve-wracking to think you’re meeting his sister and all of his friends at the same time? Especially since you and Arthur have only hung out in person once before
Well it wasn’t nerve wracking before but NOW it is
Oh god
I’m not sure if I’m ready for this
What if all his friends hate me? Or think I’m weird?
Gwen
Remember, we’re going with you. If they’re going to find one of us weird, it’ll be Gwaine
Gwaine
What? Why?
Lance
You did spend half an hour yesterday telling us your dream about apple pie flavoured cheese
Gwaine
It was an amazing dream!
You were all missing out
Gwen
I’m sure we were
This is going to be a disaster
Gwaine
Ah Merlin, don't be such a pianist
What?
Gwaine
**pessimist
you can be a pianist if you want
I will support you
Gwen
Try not to worry Merlin
Arthur likes you and I'm sure it's going to mean a lot to him that you're coming
I hope so
Gwen
Btw have you decided what you're going to give him for his birthday yet? Or are you still planning on keeping it a surprise from us?
I finished the first part
I just have to buy a frame for it
Gwen
Ooh let's see it!
Attachment: 1 Image
Gwaine
HAHAHA
How did you get that?
It was just a matter of talking to the right people
Lance
Aw I bet Arthur's going to love it
Gwen
That's so cute Merlin! Well, a bit gross, but cute!
Thanks. Morgana suggested I get him something personal or meaningful, so I figured this would be a good reminder of our first not-a-date date
Gwaine
Just think, your first date was all thanks to me and my love of jazz brunch
I'm not sure I'd go that far

Clotpole

Today 2:24 PM
Guess what Clotpole
I refuse to answer to that name
I started on part 2 of your present!
Part 2? Merlin you don't need to go overboard
Honestly I don't even expect anything. We did just start dating
I’m your boyfriend
Of course I’m going to get you something for your birthday
I just meant, you shouldn’t feel obligated to buy me anything.
It's more of a homemade gift
Still. I know you're busy with classes and work. Don't go out of your way
I want to
I just hope you like it
I'm sure I'll love it

Gwen

Today 3:17 PM
Hey Gwen, I just finished making custard tarts for Arthur’s birthday, but I was thinking of also baking scones like you suggested
Do you have a recipe?
I do! I’ll send you the link
Did you want me to come over and help you?
Thanks for the offer, but I think I should be fine
Hmm
What’s ‘hmm’ ?
It’s just… you’re not exactly a wizard in the kitchen
What's that supposed to mean?
Remember that time you made us that weird meat stew…
What do you mean weird? It was just ordinary beef stew!
Are you sure? The meat was so stringy
Honestly I wouldn’t have been surprised if it was rat stew
Everyone’s a critic
But really I’ll be fine! I want to make the scones myself
All right. Good luck Merlin
But let me know if you need any help

Mum

Today 3:56 PM
Hi sweetie
How goes your baking adventure?
These are the scones I made for Arthur:

Oh…. they’re a little dark
But don’t worry, I’m sure your second batch will turn out better
That was the second batch…
Ah. I see.
Well, assuming your man doesn’t die of food poisoning, I’d love to meet him soon
Thanks for the support mum. Really means a lot

Clotpole

Today 4:01 PM
Hey so um
I kind of burned part of your present
Interesting
Why was my present near fire to begin with?
You’re not secretly a pyromaniac are you?
Because I think it’s best I know now if my boyfriend is planning on setting me on fire
Don't be silly. I was baking
I didn’t know you could bake
I can!
Just… not very well
What did you make?
Custard tarts and scones
Aw. Just like from the jazz brunch
Exactly
The custard tarts are mostly okay but I burned the scones
I’m sure they’ll taste fine
Arthur they’re completely black
I should probably just bin them
No, bring them anyway. If they’re as bad as you say we can feed them to Morgana
Really don’t think that’ll win me many points with your sister
Given that she’s secretly the mistress of hell, she probably enjoys burnt food
Well if you insist, I'll bring them along. Even though they're rock hard
Do you know what else is rock hard
Arthur, you pervert!
I was going to say my abs...
Oh
Not all of us have our brains in the gutter Merlin
Oops
I guess I'm the pervert in this relationship
Yes, you're a terrible influence
You've completely corrupted me in fact
Do you think your friends will see it that way when they meet me?
What? What are you talking about?
I mean, what if they don't like me? Or they think... idk that I manipulated you into dating me?
Where is this coming from?
Never mind. It's stupid
If it's something that's bothering you, it's not stupid
Can you explain it to me? Why you're upset?
I don't know. I guess I'm just worried that your friends won't like me. Or that they'll think I'm odd
I want to leave a good impression
Merlin. They're going to love you. Morgana hasn't even met you in person yet and she already thinks you're great
And if anything, you've been a good influence on me
Really?
Merlin, you're the first person I've come out to. And the first person that's accepted me
I spent so long being angry and frustrated with myself for not being what I thought was normal, and for feeling like I'd never live up to my father's expectations.
But you didn't just accept me. You helped me accept myself
Oh. I didn't realize I'd helped that much
You did. You're a perfect gay Obi-Wan Cannoli
*Kenobi
The point is, you were a great gay mentor
And you're a pretty amazing boyfriend
Wow
Arthur I don't know what to say
Well, normally when someone compliments you, it's the standard to compliment them back
So feel free to tell me how incredibly amazing I am
I would, but I don't want your head getting any bigger
Good point. I wouldn't want my head getting as big as your ears
Hah! Just for that I'm gonna force you to eat all of the burnt scones during your party
You're certainly welcome to try ;)

Chapter 13

Notes:

I'd recommend reading chapter 5 of It's All in the Subtext before reading this chapter
This chapter ended up being kind of long so I decided to split it into two

Operation Get Merlin Shagged

Today10:23 AM
Lance
Hey Merlin, what time do we want to head over to Arthur’s?
I’ll ask! One sec
Gwaine
Can you also ask if booze is being provided?
I just want a little confirmation

Clotpole

Hey Arthur! I was wondering what time we should come over today for the party?
We’re having a game of footie at the nearby football field around 4:00 if you and your friends want to join in
Or you can come round mine at 5:30 for the BBQ if you prefer
I’ll check with my friends and get back to you!

Great.
Hey um
Maybe I'm completely misinterpreting but is everything okay?
Why do you ask?
It's just you're taking a while to type. And you seem a bit distracted?
Or maybe not. You're probably busy getting ready and I'm just reading into things
No you're right
I had a chat with my father
Is everything okay?
Not really
What happened??
I tried to come out to him
What do you mean tried?
He thinks I have STDs
And that I’m a drug addict
Wh
what?
Yeah
I'm not even sure how that happens..
are you going to try and explain again?
I don't know. Maybe. I'll figure it out.
Let me know if it goes okay

Operation Get Merlin Shagged

All right so, the BBQ starts at 5:30 but they’re going to play a game of football at 4:00 if we want to join them
Gwaine
We have to go at 4:00
I wanna see how good Arthur is at sports
Lance
I wouldn't mind a game
Looks like Gwen and I will be watching from the stands
Gwen
Speak for yourself
Someone needs to show these boys how to play
Oh. Just me then
Gwaine
Think of it this way. You'll get to watch Arthur get all hot and sweaty
Well when you put it like that...
Gwaine
What did he say about booze btw? Is he providing?
Oh I forgot to ask
Gwaine
Merlin..
You're breaking my heart
Gwen
Do we want to meet at the tube station at 3?
Yeah that should give us enough time

Clotpole

He left me on read
Oh you told him over text?
Morgana's idea
She sure has a lot of those
Yep
So how are you feeling? Do you want to talk about it?
I'd rather focus on the party today

Operation Get Merlin Shagged

so Arthur just came out to his dad
Gwen
Did it go all right?
Doesn't look like it
His dad's really conservative and traditionalist
Gwen
Poor Arthur 😔 and right before his party no less
Gwaine
What this plonker's address? I'll set him straight
I don't think Arthur would appreciate that
Although his dad does seem like a total wanker
Gwaine
Just think, if you and Arthur get married, that wanker will be your father-in-law
...Thanks Gwaine
Gwaine
Well since Arthur's dealing with that, I'll make sure to go easy on him when I give him the 'if you hurt our precious Merlin I will end you' speech
THE WHAT
Gwen
What kind of friends would we be if we didn't?
Please do not embarrass me in front of my boyfriend
Gwen
We make no promises 😇
Lance, your girlfriend is an evil woman
Lance
She's pretty amazing, isn't she?
Ugh

Lance

are you almost ready Merlin?
No!!!
I’ve changed my scarf three times.
You own more than one scarf?
Yes I own lots
My mum gives me a new one for Xmas every year
Really? I think I’ve only ever seen the red one
…
Lance I wore the blue scarf last week when we studied together
And I have like five different red ones in different shades
Oh
Which do you think is better?


Maybe wear the blue one today? Since you seem to wear red more often
I think?
Ok I will
Wait do you think it’ll look like I’m trying too hard?
I feel like the dark red one seems more casual
Merlin I. I don't know
Maybe ask Gwen?
Are you crazy? She’d never stop teasing me if I did
Then maybe Gwaine?
Good idea

Gwaine

Today 2:28 PM
Hey Gwaine do you think I should wear my dark red scarf or my blue scarf to Arthur’s party?
Wait or should I wear my purple one
Personally I think Arthur would like it best if you didn’t wear a scarf
Really?
Yeah. Or any clothes at all for that matter 😏
Great idea. I’ll show up completely starkers. That’ll impress Arthur’s friends
You're an impressive man
Thanks a lot
Glad I could be of service

Operation Get Merlin Shagged

Gwen
I think Elyan’s on his way
He was meeting up with some of his friends from secondary school earlier
He hasn’t texted me back though
Gwaine
spam him until he replies
It’s what I always do when people ignore me
Lance
does that actually ever work? Gwaine
No my number gets blocked a lot
Lance
Ah. Gwen
I’m not going to spam him.
I forgot to charge my phone and it’d be a waste of battery
Gwaine
alright add him to the chat and I’ll spam him
Gwen added Elyan to the conversation.
Gwaine
Heey Elyan my man
Elyan
Hey Gwaine
Gwen
What why did you reply to him but not me
Elyan??
Hello???
Are you almost here Elyan?
'Cause I'm like five minutes away from the tube station
Elyan
Yep! I'm almost there
Can't wait to meet this new man of yours
Heard he's quite the looker
Gwen
Oh he is 😍
Not as much as Lance of course!
No offense Merlin
none taken?
Gwaine
Would someone care to tell me why Gwen's carrying a fruit basket
Gwen
It's for Arthur
Gwaine
Oh were we supposed to bring gifts
Gwen
It's not really a birthday present. It's a more of a sorry for accidentally leading you on and giving you the wrong number but thanks for inviting me to your party anyway
Hahaha I can't wait to see Arthur's face when you give it to him
Gwen
Speaking of gifts did you remember to bring yours Merlin?
Yep! I've got the box of scones and custard tarts with me
Lance
What about the framed picture? Shit!
I totally forgot!
Ah is it too late to go back for it?
Gwaine
We'll miss the footie game
Gwen
Well we don't want to be late
And it would be kind of odd if the four of us showed up without you Merlin
Dammit. You're right. I'll have to give it to him later

Clotpole

Today3:57 PM
Hey we’re almost there Great! Once you and your friends are here we'll divide into teams for the match
Right now it's just me, Leon, Percival, Bedivere, Cador, Geraint, Owain, and Pellinore.
Are those your old teammates? They are
Morgana and her friends will swing by later
Ah so no one to keep me company on the sidelines Afraid not
I never realized life as a cheerleader would be so lonely Oh also just a heads-up Gwen’s bringing you a fruit-basket That’s certainly an interesting birthday present I think it’s intended as more of an apology gift For giving you the wrong number She really doesn’t need to apologize
If anything I should be thanking her
Still you should accept it It's fresh fruit from the farmer's market. There's also a few homemade muffins in the basket and Gwen's a much better baker than me Merlin I think everyone is a better baker than you
I knew it. I should've just tossed the scones out No don't
I was only teasing
Fine Do you forgive me? I'm not one to hold a grudge Unfortunately the scones aren't as forgiving as I am Well I would hate to have a batch of scones upset with me
Two batches, actually Even worse
Oh hey! I see you guys Where are you
Look to your left ... your other left

Notes:

Since I decided to split this chapter in two, the next update will be within the next few days

Chapter 14

Operation Get Merlin Shagged

Gwaine
Merlin why didn’t you tell us Arthur was so athletic?
I told you he played football and rugby Gwaine
Yeah but he’s kicking our arses on the field
He's like a football god
Don't tell him I said that though
Elyan
Right? I consider myself a decent footie player but he makes me look clumsy
I can’t believe I’m dating a jock My teenage self would be so proud

Gwaine

Merlin why are you running away?
Watching us play football can’t be that boring can it
There was a wasp
Correction: there IS a wasp
It’s still chasing me!!!!
Arthur’s asking if you’re okay
Aw he’s worried about you
I told him you’re running in circles to hide your arousal at seeing him play
WHAT
His face went bright red
Haha you lads are too easy
Just for that I should force you to eat one of the burnt scones
I am getting kind of hungry
Though I think I'd prefer one of those custard tarts
Too bad. They're for Arthur
I'm gonna give them to him when we get to his place
Great thinking. Then maybe he'll give you something in return ;)
Gwaine...
I meant like a kiss
That's all I meant to imply
Uh huh
Why do you always assume the worst of me

Operation Get Merlin Shagged

Today 5:43 PM
Gwaine
So is anyone going to say what we're probably all thinking
Lance
What? Gwaine
Arthur's sister is super hot!
Is it too late to kick Gwaine out of the group chat? Gwaine
What really? Is no one else checking her out?
Gwen
I like her. She seems really nice Gwaine
Yeah and she looks like a goddess
Think it'd be weird if I hit on her? Or her blonde friend
Morgana and Morgause would probably kill you if you tried Gwaine
That's not as much of a deterrent as you think it is
Someone please confiscate Gwaine's phone And his cupcake He doesn't deserve it

Clotpole

How are you enjoying the party so far? I think I'd be enjoying it more if you hadn't hit me
When did I hit you? When you introduced me to Leon and Percy
That wasn't a hit! That was a friendly arm tap Football players do it all the time to each other
Well they’re thick aren’t they Hey! I play football
There you go then I'm sorry. I only meant it as a bit of horseplay I'm super nervous It's fine
I'm sure you'll make it up to me somehow I'll try my best to

Operation Get Merlin Shagged

Oh my god I’m going to die Gwen
What happened? Are you okay? I just gave Arthur his gift Well the first part anyway And he ate one of the burnt scones I made him He looked like he was being tortured but he still forced himself to eat one Elyan
Wow. Now that is love Gwaine
How? I eat burned food all the time. No point letting food go to waste
Lance
I think it’s safe to say you’re the exception
Also Gwaine where did you go?
Elyan
I think he went off with Arthur's friend Percy Gwaine
Holy shit you guys have to check out the backyard
Merlin's bf has a pool
He's quite the princess
Elyan
Too bad we didn't bring swim trunks along Gwaine
Think it'd be alright if I skinny dipped?
Absolutely not!!

Clotpole

Today 9:21 PM
Um this bloke keeps giving me the death glare Who? Dark hair, goatee, kinda looks like a supervillain
Ah, that would be Cedric Is he one of Morgana’s guests, or yours?
Mine, I’m afraid. We have a class together I think he’s plotting my murder
Don’t be ridiculous No, I’m serious
He has murder eyes
I’ll admit he is a strange one But he’s probably just shy
Oh shit he’s coming over If I die mysteriously, you know who the culprit is
You’re a complete drama queen
Has he said anything to you
??
… he asked me what my intentions are with you What?
Why would he ask that
He sounds like a jealous ex tbh Did you two ever have a thing? Define ‘thing’
Did you like him? Don’t be ridiculous
Although Leon and Percy did say he might fancy me
And you still invited him? I didn’t think it was true!
But you're not the only one with competition
Morgana says Mordred has a bit of a crush on you
He does? Why? That's what I said
Oh shut up Why don't you come over here and make me
Believe me I will Today9:53 PM
So I just had a chat with Cedric
Thought you should know, I’m supposed to punish you
What What does that even mean Arthur?? Meet me in the living room. There's no one else around at the moment

Operation Get Merlin Shagged

Today11:17 PM
I'm going to die for real Gwen
How come? I tried to kiss Arthur but he pulled away Gwen
What? Why would he do that? I thought we were alone but Leon walked into the room right when I tried to kiss him Gwen
Did Leon say anything? Arthur's not out to him right? No but he was giving us a weird look So I panicked and said I was teaching Arthur poetry Gwen
... why poetry? It was the first thing that came to mind! Elyan
Did he buy it? Apparently

Clotpole

Today 12:16 AM
Merlin I'm going to throttle you You’re welcome to try
Leon told Morgana’s friends that I am, apparently, a poetry aficionado After Cenred managed to stop laughing, Morgause told me that she's taking an advanced poetry class Oh boy
Now she’s asking for my help on writing Sestinas and Terzanelles As if I have even the faintest clue what either of those are supposed to be I think a Sestina is French in origin if that helps
It doesn’t Well. Good luck to you and Morgause on that poem
Thanks a lot Hey it’s the best I could come up with on the spot
Since they still don’t know
Know what? About… never mind
What were you going to say? Um about you being bi. Because I thought for a second that we were going to you know
No, I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking I thought we were going to kiss
Oh. Haha yeah. Guess I just misinterpreted what was going on
We’re probably not at that stage yet
I must have had one too many drinks
Mental faculties weren’t in working order
Are your mental faculties ever in working order? And I was, you know What?
Going to kiss you Really?
Yeah God you're such a clotpole!
Couldn't you have told me earlier? I've been agonizing about this for hours!
I don't see why you were? We are boyfriends aren’t we? And last time I checked boyfriends typically kiss each other.
So next time we're alone together, you’ll kiss me?
Next time I see you I’m going to cup your jaw and run my hand through your messy unbrushed hair and I’m going to kiss you long and hard until you’re breathless
My hair isn’t unbrushed!
It just tangles easily!
...
That’s what you got from that?
Well, the kissing part sounds great, but you need to change it to you’ll run your hand through my windswept hair. Windswept sounds much more dignified
Fine
I’ll run my hands through your WINDSWEPT hair until you’re swooning in my arms like a Victorian damsel
Hey! If one of us is going to swoon, it’ll be you
Please. I have never done anything of the sort
You will when you’re with me
That sounds like a challenge
I'll be looking forward to it
As will I
Also I should probably get going soon
My friends and I are splitting a cab home
Wait I'll walk you out
Ok 😊

Operation Get Merlin Shagged

Gwen
Merlin are you coming? It's past Lance's bedtime and he gets cranky if he doesn't get enough sleep Lance
No I don't! Elyan
Mate, you totally do
I'll be right there! I'm just saying good night to Arthur

Clotpole

Today1:43 AM
Let me know when you make it home safe I just got in!
Cab ride was kind of awkward
Gwaine kept hitting on the driver
Somehow I'm not surprised Also um I still feel bad for forgetting to bring the main part of your present and since I haven’t wrapped it yet I figured I’d show you now
You mean the custard tarts and rock-hard scones weren’t the main part of the present? Nope! That was only the small part
Here, I’ll send you a pic
[IMG ATTACHMENT]
It’s a framed photo of the moment when you spilled hollandaise sauce on your shirt and I snorted orange juice across the table
From when we went to jazz brunch
Sorry the quality is bad
But I thought it was a fitting photo
Certainly seems to sum up our relationship
Oh my god Merlin
I'm speechless
A good speechless?
The best kind I love it But where on earth did you get this photo? Did you hire a photographer to stalk us? If so I hope you can get your money back. The photo’s quite grainy No! Of course not!
I went back and asked if they still had the security footage from that day
There are security cameras at jazz brunch??
Yes. They had signs up about it too
I’m surprised you didn’t notice
Why on earth would they need cameras?
Apparently there have been a lot of instances of people smuggling food out
Scones for instance
Not that you would know anything about that
Definitely not
I would never even consider stealing scones from such a fine establishment
Or from anywhere, for that matter
Sure ;)
But anyway I went back to jazz brunch and got a still of us from the footage, printed it out and framed it
I realized we didn’t take any pictures ourselves that day and I thought we should have some reminder of our first not-a-date date
“Not-a-date date” ? Is that what we’re calling it
Well yeah
I mean it wasn’t an official date
Wasn't it?
If it was, I feel rather cheated I didn’t get a kiss out of it
Hmm that is a good point
I suppose I'll have to make it up to you next time I see you
I think you'd better
Well, you know today was only my birthday party
My actual birthday's on Monday
And I heard kissing your boyfriend on his birthday brings both of you good luck
You just made that up
Yeah I did.
But who knows? It could be true
I guess we'll just have to test it
I mean, you don't have to feel obligated to stop by
It is a Monday and you're probably busy with work and school. It was just a thought
Arthur?
I'll be there :)
Really?
Of course
Well. I'm suddenly looking forward to my birthday a lot more than I was
And I can't believe I'm actually anticipating a Monday for a change💕

Notes:

We finally know what Merlin's gift to Arthur is ;)
Unfortunately there are no convenient images of Bradley James with hollandaise sauce on his shirt while Colin Morgan snorts orange juice across a table otherwise I promise I would have included it

Chapter 15

Notes:

For clarity's sake, this chapter takes place Sunday (the day after Arthur's party) and Monday (Arthur's actual birthday)

It will overlap with Chapter 7 of It's All In the Subtext

Operation Get Merlin Shagged

Yesterday 11:24 PM
Hey just wanted to say thanks for coming with me to Arthur's party Gwen
Of course! I had a great time
I’m actually going for coffee with Morgana next weekend.
Turns out we have a lot in common
Don’t tell her anything embarrassing about me Apparently I made a good impression yesterday and I don't want to ruin it Gwen
Merlin don’t be silly. Not everything’s about you
And I may have already shared the story of when we all went horseback riding and you fell asleep while riding
Gwaine
Oh, I remember that! He fell off his hordise and into a pile of mud
Gave us a scare but it was hilarious
I hate you guys so much Except for Lance and Elyan Lance
That was pretty funny
Elyan
LMAO
I take it back. You’re all dead to me Gwaine
Nah you love us

Mum

Yesterday 1:15 PM
How was Arthur's party?
It was fun. For the most part
I'm going over to Arthur's place tomorrow to spend his actual birthday with him
That sounds lovely. How did Arthur like his present?
He enjoyed the custard tarts and he actually forced himself to eat a scone
Wow. He must care about you a lot
I hope so. I care about him too
He's just so easy to talk to and joke around with
He sounds like quite the catch
He's super fit too
Now I really want to meet him
What's his last name
Pendragon. Why?
I want to befriend him on Facebook
Absolutely not!
How come
Are you kidding
All you ever post on there are embarrassing photos of me! When have I ever
You have an entire album dedicated to when I had a bowl-cut
Those aren't embarrassing. They're cute
And I bet Arthur would love them
Don't you dare
Too late he already accepted my friend request
Oh he is dishy
Mum!
How come his relationship status still says single
He's horrid with technology. Probably hasn't figured out how to update it
I see
Well, when the two of you decide to grace me with your presence and visit I'll show him how to update it
And I'll take a nice photo of the two of you for him to use as his profile pic
Mum he only just came out to his best friends
Not everything needs to be public on social media
Then at least let me get a photo of you two to hang on the fridge
We'll see

Gwen

Merlin I was texting Morgana and she said you're seeing Arthur again tomorrow
Yeah, Monday's his actual birthday so we're going to spend it together
Or at least we'll be spending the evening together
I can't believe you didn't tell me!
Oh. Well, now you know
Aren't you nervous?
Not really. Just excited
Aww you've come so far!
I'm going to give him the framed photo of us from jazz brunch
I bet he's going to love it
Are you bringing anything else along tomorrow
Do you reckon I should bring a bottle of wine
Er maybe. But I meant are you going to be fully prepared
Prepared for dinner? I'm sure Arthur has extra sets of cutlery
I mean condoms, Merlin
What why would we need that we haven't even kissed yet
I know but it's good to be fully prepared
I'll keep that in mind for the future
But I think we're okay for now
Do you think he'll kiss you tomorrow
He better
Or else I'll kiss him

Clotpole

Is there a certain time I should come over tomorrow? My classes end at 4:45
Anytime is fine Knowing my luck I'll probably miss my train
So would 6:30 work?
Yes that sounds perfect See you then!

Operation Get Merlin Shagged

Today 3:07 PM
Gwen
So Merlin are you ready for tonight?
Gwaine
What's tonight?
Gwen
Merlin's going over to Arthur's to celebrate since it's Arthur's actual birthday
Gwaine
How come I wasn't invited
Gwen
Because it's a date
And it'll be just the two of them. Alone.
Gwaine
Ahh I see. I take it Arthur will be in his birthday suit, given the occasion
Of course he won't you perv Gwaine
So no birthday sex for Arthur then?
Gwen
Maybe not, but it sounds like Arthur will be getting a birthday kiss 😏
Assuming everything goes to plan, yes

Clotpole

Today 5:07 PM
Ok I’m leaving now for the tube and I’m holding your present Absolute 0% chance of me forgetting it There’s no way this night is going to be ruined

Operation Get Merlin Shagged

Um this weirdo keeps giving me looks Lance
Is it Gwaine?
Gwaine
wtf
Lance why are you so savage
No it's this old man on the train He has really scaly skin Almost looks like dragon scales Oh shit he's coming over Elyan
Try not to get mugged

Clotpole

Do you know anyone named Kilgharrah? Who? That name’s even strangers than yours. Idk he’s some old codger with really scaly skin that was on the tube with me
He sat next to me and introduced himself and started harping on about fate and destiny
Said I was on my way to meet my destiny actually
So I suppose that means you’re my destiny?
He sounds barmy I wouldn't mind tho Mind what?
Being your destiny Only if I get to be yours as well
Of course
So, what does my destiny have planned for dinner? Ah, the real reason you're dating me. The free food
I'm sorry!! I'm really hungry Or was I supposed to eat before coming over? Well I don't have anything fancy prepared, but I picked up a BBQ Chicken from Tesco's and I can make us a salad
If that's ok
Destiny and chicken The perfect combo

Operation Get Merlin Shagged

Today 6:33 PM
SOS Oh god that was so awkward I’m hiding out in the loo Gwen
What happened??
I got to Arthur’s place and his father was there Gwaine
The homophobic one?
Yeah I mean, I'm pretty sure Arthur has just the one father Gwen
What was he like?
I can't believe I thought Morgana was the terrifying one in their family When I introduced myself he scowled at me and instead of shaking my hand he looked at Arthur and was like “so this is him then?” Seriously he looked at me like I had some sort of contagious disease Elyan
Is there a window in the loo you can escape out of
Unfortunately not

Clotpole

Today 6:41 PM
Are you okay Merlin?
I’m sorry I didn’t know my father was coming
I know this is super uncomfortable
No, no, not at all
Then why are you still in the loo?
Um
I was admiring your shower products?
Look I know this is awkward, but I promise it'll be easier once we get it over with
Are you sure your father isn't going to kill me?
I'm positive
Or hire an assassin to off me and make it look like an accident?
Merlin if you stay in there any longer my father's going to think you have chronic constipation
Ok ok I'm coming out

Operation Get Merlin Shagged

Today 7:19 PM
Gwaine
Still alive Merlin?
Barely
Uther keeps looking at me like I'm an unwashed peasant he wants to throw in the stocks Gwen
Just think of what a great story this will be for your wedding I don't think I'll survive to see it

Clotpole

Today 8:17 PM
This is literally the most uncomfortable experience of my life
Shit ignore that
I meant to send it to the group chat I'm in
But I'm having a great time! honest!

Operation Get Merlin Shagged

This is literally the most uncomfortable experience of my life
Lance
Hang in there Merlin

Clotpole

It's ok I know this isn't how we wanted the night to go
I'll make an excuse for you to leave.
You don't mind? No. I don't think I can make it through one more bout of awkward silence
Thank god. Walk me to the tube?
Definitely. You still owe me a birthday kiss, remember?
Can't forget that

Operation Get Merlin Shagged

Today 9:32 PM
Ok so the night wasn't a total disaster
Lance
That's good. Did you and Uther find some common ground?
Oh no Uther probably still hates me
Arthur made up an excuse for me to escape
Gwaine
Ah so you fled the battlefield
I prefer 'strategic retreat'
But that's not why the night wasn't a total disaster
Arthur walked me to the tube. And we kissed
Gwen
AHHHH OMG Lance
There goes my other eardrum Gwen
Don't listen to him I didn't even scream that loud But how was your first kiss?!! Lance
Wasn't his first kiss with Freya Gwaine
Yeah and Merlin and I drunkenly kissed that one time too
I'm pretty sure you dreamt that
Gwaine
Did I??
Huh
Well now I feel cheated
Gwen
I meant his first kiss with Arthur Well... our first kiss wasn't exactly great
Before he kissed me he kept cupping his hands and breathing into them. Almost like he was trying to make sure his breath smelled okay?? Idk it was kinda weird
Gwen
Did he have bad breath? Not that I noticed, no
But we leaned in to kiss each other at the same time and ended up smashing our noses together. And I panicked and elbowed him
Gwen
Of course you did But the second kiss was way better
Gwaine
Is Arthur a good kisser?
Don't tell him I said so because he already looked unbearably smug when we broke apart but... he's an AMAZING kisser
Gwaine
Better than I was?
Gwaine we never actually kissed
Gwaine
Oh right
Gwen
The two of you are so sweet together🥺 Will said the same thing
Also that he needs better dental insurance because of all the cavities we gave him
Gwaine
You told William before us?? I'm offended
Only because he happened to facetime me!
He hung up on me after like five mins because he said I was smiling like a lunatic and it was creeping him out
Gwen
Is that any different from how you usually smile? Just for that comment see if I ever tell you anything about my love life again
Gwen
But you owe me For what?
Gwen
Introducing you to Arthur. Morgana and I decided that the two of us are responsible for #Merthur Wtf is a merthur
Gwen
It's a portmanteau of 'merlin' and 'arthur' And your official ship name Gwaine
Hah I like that. Has a nice ring to it
Okaay. Why do you and Morgana get to decide our ship name
I started you two off by giving Arthur your number and Morgana was the one who pushed you into officially dating. therefore we deserve full credit and ship naming rights. I mean if it's that important to you...
Elyan
Wow
You guys don't talk about much in this group chat besides Merlin's love life, do you?
Lance
Not really, no

Clotpole

Thought you might like to know, I have the picture of us at jazz brunch set up beside my bed.
And I'm sorry again about ambushing you tonight. My father’s visit was a total surprise.
I'm glad you like the picture 😊
I love it
And for what it's worth, my father asked me about your business prospects after you left.
Which I think is his roundabout way of giving us his blessing
Well I’m glad he sort of approves?
Although I honestly thought he wanted to kill me tonight
He was giving me looks like I had a mental affliction
You did knock over a vase
And run into the table
I was nervous!
Ugh he definitely thinks I'm a clumsy idiot
Clumsy? Yes. But he seemed impressed with you when you were discussing your knowledge of the Middle Ages
Really? He didn't seem impressed to me. From the way he was quizzing me I thought he was trying to get me to mess up
My father's never been the most outwardly warm person
But if he actually hated you, believe me, you would know
Well that's a relief.
Now that I've met your father, I think it’s time you meet my mum
If that's something you're okay with
She's been asking after you a lot
I’d be honoured to meet Hunith
How about next weekend?
That soon?
Unless you already have plans
I don’t. It’s just that doesn’t give me much time to mentally prepare.
Hey, at least you get some advanced warning
And you don't need to prepare. Just be yourself
I want to leave a good impression
Trust me. Mum's going to love you
Even if you are a bit of a prat ;)
Well, if she’s anything like her son, I’m sure I’ll love her too
Also, while we're on the subject of parents and parental blessings, my father gave me my birthday present today. Two tickets for a summer vacation in Italy. They were meant for me and my girlfriend
Aka you
I know it’s way too soon to ask something like this... because, I mean, we haven’t even been together that long
But assuming you're not sick of me by the summer, do you think you’d want to go to Italy together?
You don't have to give me your answer now btw. Take your time to think about it.
Arthur, I don't think it's possible for me to get sick of you As long as you want me to go with you, I’d love to Really?
Of course! I mean what sane person says no to Italy?? And erm I sort of already knew about the tickets What? How?
Morgana Should have guessed it
I guess I can forgive her. She did help push us together
That she did. You probably would have taken years to confess your undying attraction to me if not for her intervention Like you were any better!
Fair point. We're a pair of dollopheads, aren't we?
Yes, but only one of us is a clotpole ;)
And I wouldn't have it any other way

Notes:

Well friends. Only the epilogue to go for Text Me Maybe
I'm also debating posting another entry in this series with Merlin & Arthur's failed attempts at sexting so we'll see 👀

Chapter 16: Epilogue

Notes:

Set roughly a year later

Operation Get Merlin Shagged

Yesterday 4:23 PM
Gwen
So Merlin are you excited for tomorrow?
Why? What's tomorrow Gwen
HOW COULD YOU FORGET
It's been exactly one year since Arthur texted you by mistake
It has? Lance
Merlin don't tease Gwen
That's my job
You're right. My bad Gwaine
Well don't keep us in suspense. What do you two lovebirds have planned?
Or do you intend to stay in bed all day? 👀
It's a secret Elyan
Aw don't be like that mate
Gwen
How are we supposed to live vicariously through you if you don't give us details
No I mean it's a secret from me Arthur asked if he could plan our weekend. I pretended not to know why. Gwen
Wait so Arthur thinks you don't know what tomorrow is?
Yep. He thinks i'm completely oblivious So I have no idea what we're going to do. But honestly I can't imagine how Arthur plans to top our summer trip to Italy. Or my birthday Gwen
Aw that's right. He gave you his mother's sigil
Arthur's such a romantic
Lance
But not as romantic as me, right?
Gwen
Of course sweetie
Elyan
Hey you're breaking the agreed upon rule
No using pet names when I'm around. I don't need to think about my baby sister's love life
Gwen
You're right. Let's focus on Merlin's love life instead
Promise you'll keep us posted tomorrow?
Yes, yes, you lot will be the first to know what Arthur's surprise is After me of course

Clotpole

Today 8:18 AM
thinking of making this my new wallpaper
thoughts? You're up unusually early
It's not even noon yet
and eh it's not as nice as my lockscreen

you expect me to believe your face and ears aren't bright red right now they're not at all
I think I'm going to require some photo evidence I definitely would but unfortunately my camera's broken
oh is that so? yup
so is there a reason you're up so early? And is that bacon I smell? I thought I'd make us breakfast The Great Arthur Pendragon is cooking? Dare I ask what the occasion is
You mean you don't know what today is?
I'd have to double check, but I'm pretty sure it's a Saturday
Today marks exactly one year since I first texted you by mistake I marked it down on my phone calendar and everything That's uncharacteristically romantic of you
Excuse you! I'm always romantic You kind of are, aren't you
Glad it's only taken you a year to notice And you'll see just how romantic I am in a minute
I have our whole day planned Feel free to share
Well, since you are a total girl who loves flowers, we're going to stroll through Columbia Road Flower Market and I'm going to buy you the biggest bouquet there is Then we'll check out that weird art gallery you've been wanting to go to and we'll end it by having a late-night picnic under the stars on Primrose Hill I've also promised Hunith that I'll finally update my relationship status on Facebook. Apparently she wants to brag to her friends that her son has, and I quote, "managed to catch a dishy blonde fellow" It might not top our Italy trip last summer but I’ve done the best I could Arthur that's...
that all sounds incredible
but to be honest I was hoping we could have a bit of a lie-in first
I still need to return the favour from last night ;)
Yes. That
let's do that.
You stay put. I'll bring breakfast to you

Oh wow. I may have drooled a little on your pillow looking at that You'd better not have hey it's not like you've never drooled on me and my pillow in the night I don't drool Just like you don't snore, right? Exactly. Glad we're on the same page The bacon and sausage are still frying btw and I know you love your sausage You're such a dollophead But seriously, how did I manage to score the perfect boyfriend? As a matter of fact I only want you for your body I knew it! but if you want me for my body, does that include my oversized ears? It includes all of you but especially your ridiculously cute ears Wow
Who would've thought getting a text meant for someone else would end up being the best thing to ever happen to me You're quite the sweet-talker but don't think it'll get you out of doing the dishes I wouldn't have it any other way ❤️️

Gwen

Guinevere, I mean absolutely no offense
but I'm so glad you gave me the wrong number
-Arthur
Delivered

Notes:

Thanks for reading. I would love to hear your thoughts on the fic

Series this work belongs to:

• Part 1 of Textual Chemistry