Chapter Text
Rue knows she’s going to relapse again before she even leaves the train station.
She knows that feeling of defeat and the overwhelming need for any type of drug all too well, and it fully sets in right as Rue tugs Jules hand and Jules doesn’t budge. So, that’s it. Full circle. Back to the drugs and the lying and the hours spent sitting outside the 7-Eleven with a soda instead of attending NA meetings. Back to her life before Jules. Back to what her life was meant to be when she was born - a waste.
All these thoughts flood her as she walks home. Distantly, Rue recalls the name of the street she’s on and knows she needs to take a left pretty soon to make it home and that if she wanted to go to the park instead that it would be a right turn. This is the town she grew up in, but it doesn’t feel like it. Home had become Jules without Rue even realizing it, and now it feels as if an invisible crutch has been kicked out from under her.
She can’t function. She can barely walk, honestly. All she’s aware of is the blurry street under her, the inconsistent twitch of her hands, the fucking nonstop stream of tears (she’s pathetic) and- why is Lexi’s light on?
It’s the first neutral thought to break the barrier. Rue pauses right outside of Lexi’s house, still shaking like a leaf but now focused on the moving silhouette of her former friend in the window. It looks as if Lexi is getting ready for bed. Which is weird, because Rue is pretty sure that the formal is still going on at the moment and Lexi probably has something to do there.
Rue racks her brain for a memory of Lexi’s date but comes up empty. She still doesn’t move. She knows she probably should, because if anyone were to come along then she would be standing there twitching like a drug addict or something - and honestly, she must look as if she’s in a Lifetime movie - but in a way she also shouldn’t move. If Rue does move, she’s moving back to the drugs in her room that she lied about flushing. She definitely doesn’t have the restraint to simply go home and sleep next to those pills.
Lexi’s house? Drug free. Except for some over the counter stuff that Rue probably couldn’t even get high on.
And if Lexi knew she was going to try and get high again? Well, Lexi would make a valiant effort to pin her down and keep her there. Lexi had done it before, only once - it hadn’t worked out well since Rue was so tall and Lexi was so little, but it happened.
Rue forces herself to start walking again, this time up onto the grass of Lexi’s lawn. She really doesn’t know what she’s doing. She doesn’t have a clear reason to stay clean now, but she thinks of how Lexi had planted her knees on Rue’s arms years ago and tried so hard to keep her from going down this road again. She thinks of Jules and how Jules hadn’t really held on as tightly as Lexi had. She thinks of her mom and Gia and knocks on the door.
It takes a second, but Lexi opens it. Rue’s shoulders sag in relief, even though she had made a pretty good guess about who would be opening the door. Lexi’s mom never gets up to open it and Cassie is most likely still at the formal.
“Rue?” Lexi asks, clearly confused.
Be cool, Rue. Don’t sound like the fuck-up you are.
“Hey.” Rue replies, her voice cracking horribly over the one word.
Great.
Honestly, Rue hates crying. No one likes it, but Rue absolutely loathes it. It makes her voice come out more high-pitched than usual and every other syllable cracks as if she’s dying. She sounds five years younger than she really is, and every casual greeting on her tongue seems too heavy to push past her lips.
“What’s wrong?” Lexi questions, sounding so genuine that Rue forces herself to fight to form an answer.
“I- I, uh.” The explanation dies in her throat. Fuck, this is embarrassing. This was also a terrible idea.
Who even does this? She’s a terrible friend. A terrible everything, really. She treats Lexi like shit and she screams at Fez and she scares the crap out of Gia and she won’t get on the train for Jules, and lord knows Rue has put her mom through so fucking much - and god, she can’t breathe.
Rue is going to die.
Well, she always thinks she’s going to die in the middle of a panic attack and doesn’t actually bite it, but now she’s a hundred percent sure that she’s going to die for real.
“Okay, come here.” Lexi gestures into the house but doesn’t actually touch her. Rue steps inside, allowing Lexi to lead her into the downstairs bathroom by using solely hand gestures.
Lexi shuts the door behind them while Rue slumps down to the ground. She’s trying to catch air that isn’t there. Lexi looks fine, but every time Rue opens her mouth she’s sure that all oxygen has been stolen from the earth and she just can’t fucking function. It’s a familiar, terrible feeling. One that she would never be able to explain to someone without anxiety, but she tries.
“I’m d-dying.”
“No, you’re not. You’re just having a panic attack.” Lexi informs her, sound like every decent nurse Rue has ever spoken to. “Look at me. It’s okay. Focus on your breathing.”
Rue does as she’s told and Lexi starts counting at a calm, even pace. For a moment, Rue thinks this isn’t going to work at all (but she always thinks that, every time Lexi has to do this for her) but she sees the air pass through Lexi’s mouth and tries to sync up her breathing with her’s.
It works. Eventually, Rue’s ears pick up on the sound of both of them inhaling and exhaling. Her throat doesn’t feel as clogged, though the weight on her chest is still heavy. She doesn’t feel good in any sense of the word - but yeah, there’s air.
“Are you okay?” Lexi asks.
“No.”
“Well, can you breathe?”
“Yes.”
“Good.” Lexi says simply. They sit across from each other on the bathroom floor, Rue’s legs spread out far enough that her ankles occasionally brush Lexi’s.
Rue decides right then and there that Lexi is the most stable person in this entire town. Being in her house feels the same as being in her father’s arms during a bad thunderstorm, like the entire world could not break down this sanctuary even if it tried its hardest. Rue sort of wants to live here, in this house with few horrors. She knows that if she called her mom and asked if she could stay at Lexi’s all of Winter break, then her mom would be fine with it. Chaos seems to never stay long in the Howard house, at least not the way it does in Rue’s.
“You can stay the night if you want.” Lexi offers, like after all these years she can still read Rue’s mind.
“Okay.”
And it’s nice, because that’s all Lexi says. She doesn’t grill Rue for answers - though, quite frankly Lexi deserves them with how Rue had just barged in - or say anything stupid about Rue’s problems. Lexi just, kind of, is. She’s there the way the floor is, a quiet but vital part of the world.
“Can I borrow clothes to sleep in?” Rue gets to her feet, suddenly feeling very tired.
“Yeah, sure.” Lexi stands and opens the door. “Come on.”
They go upstairs, past Lexi’s mom who is having a wine-induced nap and past Cassie’s empty room, and into Lexi’s. It’s the same as it has been for years, but Rue still wanders around it to search for any changes she could have missed. Rue has always liked Lexi’s room. Lexi always keeps it almost-oddly neat, and it’s organized the way Rue likes it - probably because she had once completely rearranged Lexi’s room before she’d started getting help for her OCD.
It’s symmetrical. Stable. Safe. Almost like Lexi hadn’t set it up to eat and sleep and live in, but for it to be a place for Rue to come after or during breakdowns.
Rue turns around, finding Lexi standing there with a pajama set that looks much too big for Lexi’s small frame. She thanks her and starts pushing the jacket off her body. Rue has felt uncomfortable in the outfit all night and is a little too desperate to slip on a baggy shirt or a hoodie. She folds and sets the jacket down on the edge of Lexi’s bed. It’s dark, but Rue is pretty sure she sees a flash of panic in Lexi’s eyes before she quickly spins around.
“You okay?” Rue asks, voice mirroring Lexi’s from earlier.
“Yeah.” Lexi responds, not sounding convincing at all. “I’m going to, uh, go change. I’ll be back.”
Lexi is gone before Rue can get another word out. It’s not weird, exactly. Lexi hasn’t watched Rue change clothes since they were thirteen. Rue isn’t really sure why, but there had been some time in middle school when she’d taken off her clothes and Lexi had ran into a wall in her haste to put space between them. Whatever. Lexi is kind of shy, after all.
Rue finishes up changing. Once she’s done, she thinks that maybe that theory about Lexi making a safe haven for Rue isn’t that far off. The pajama set on her body doesn’t fit her. Not because it’s too small, like Rue had expected, but it’s too big. Big enough that Rue feels safe, swimming in the fabric. There’s absolutely no way Lexi could wear this on her own, it would slip right off of her.
The icing on top of the cake is the hoodie. It’s her dad’s. Not actually, because it would be pretty creepy if Lexi were to break into Rue’s house to steal it - but it’s the exact same brand and everything. Rue slips it on and zips it up (no one can tell her it’s weird to sleep in a sweatshirt), feeling immediate comfort. The smell is too clean and it isn’t as worn out, but Rue curls her fingers in the pockets and feels some odd type of peace at the clump of fabric in her palm.
Lexi returns minutes later with her face void of her Winter formal makeup, and she squeaks like a surprised mouse when Rue suddenly hugs her.
Rue pretty much drapes herself all over Lexi, the side of her face pressed into Lexi’s forehead and her long arms hanging down around Lexi’s shoulders. Lexi’s body is surprisingly firm, though. She’s able to hold Rue up pretty well, even with the shock that comes from the blatant affection.
When is the last time Rue hugged Lexi? Years, probably.
“...Are you high?” Lexi questions slowly and it makes Rue laugh.
Now she remembers the last time she’d hugged Lexi. It had been in the school parking lot, and Rue was high off her ass as she’d scooped Lexi’s body off of the ground and into the air for a tight hug. It was weird, but it had been one of her better highs.
“No, I’m just…” Rue finally lets her go, squeezing Lexi’s shoulders before stepping away to get on the bed. “Thanks.”
Lexi shrugs it off, seeming a bit confused. “You can borrow clothes whenever. I’m not sure everything would fit you, but you can definitely pull off crop-tops.”
“Thanks, Lex.” She replies. Rue gets under the covers and, after a moment of hesitation, so does Lexi.
Their limbs don’t touch or cross and they don’t cuddle at all, but it’s still nice. Rue stares up at the ceiling. She thinks she’ll call this the Hospital Effect. Life is still kicking her ass and she barely trusts herself not to jump out of the window in the middle of the night to run home to her stash or to the train station for a belated runaway, but there’s no responsibilities here.
She didn’t even have to get an infection to get here.
-
During Christmas break, Lexi’s house smells like pancakes in the mornings. Rue had forgotten that little fact, but she remembers it as the break kicks off and she wakes up to the mouth-watering scent of it. It also makes every other memory in Rue’s mind rush to the surface, most of which is shitty, and after a minute Rue’s mood goes back to crap.
Still, that first minute of peace is new.
Rue shifts and blinks until she feels a bit more awake, and in the process her mouth accidentally drags across something stretched but soft.
Oh, that’s Lexi’s neck.
Oh, that’s Lexi.
Rue sits up, finding their legs tangled together and her arm slung around Lexi’s waist. She can’t help that she likes to cuddle, but something tells her that Lexi would freak out a little (okay, a lot) if she found out Rue had just essentially kissed her neck. Lexi is starting to blink awake, so Rue hurriedly pulls all of her limbs away until they are a safe distance away from each other.
“Morning.” Lexi murmurs, her voice sounding all types of sleepy. “Pancakes?”
“Yeah, there’s- Cassie is making pancakes, I think.” Rue gets out of bed and starts to gather her things quickly. She assumes that Lexi wants her gone and besides, she has things (drugs) to do.
Lexi is sitting up, rubbing at her eyes and watching Rue with a truly confused look on her face. “Don’t you want pancakes? Are they still your favorite?”
They are still Rue’s favorite. She just hadn’t expected Lexi to want her around, especially with how Rue is acting lately. Rue slows in her quest to collect everything and get out of there. Her first instinct is to decline and leave, but her stomach rumbles as if it’s answering Lexi’s question and Lexi’s sleepy smile seems so welcoming that she can’t deny it.
“Yeah, they are.”
So, less than two minutes later, Rue is reliving her childhood and standing in Lexi’s kitchen with a plate. Lexi’s family feels fuller than Rue’s somehow, even though they have the same amount of family members. Their kitchen is pretty big too, but it feels small. Cassie is running around flipping pancakes, Lexi is trying to find some type of fruit in the fridge, and their mom is complaining about something in the newspaper. It’s the nice type of chaos, the type that doesn’t end in screaming and tears.
“Pancakes everyday until Christmas!” Cassie announces, looking very much like an excited child as she stacks three pancakes onto Rue’s plate.
“Thanks.” Rue says, much quieter, and sits at the table.
Lexi’s head pops back out of the fridge. “Your plan seems highly unhealthy.”
“My plan seems fun! This is why Santa wouldn’t bring you presents, you’re a Grinch.”
Lexi rolls her eyes good-naturedly and shuts the fridge’s door, now holding a plastic container with strawberries in it. She grabs a small plate and a knife, then settles down in the chair next to Rue. She starts to cut each strawberry into four small pieces and at some point Lexi pauses, throwing a handful of strawberries onto Rue’s pancakes before continuing. Rue thanks her for that, too - she loves strawberries on her pancakes - and devours her first pancake in seconds.
The only thing that could make this better is-
“Do you want coffee, Bennett?” Lexi asks, already standing up to go get them both mugs.
Rue puts on her best detective expression. “Of course, Howard.”
Lexi beams at her and opens the cupboard to grab mugs. She gets a purple one and an orange one, then goes over to the coffee maker to pour them some. Rue focuses on scarfing down her second pancake.
“You guys still do that detective thing?” Cassie asks as she sits down. “It’s super cute. I think Lexi still has those pictures of you guys in suspenders on Halloween, don’t you Lex?”
Cassie grins at Lexi, who nearly spills the coffee with how awkward she suddenly gets.
“Um.” Lexi manages to say, looking relieved when the phone rings. She goes to pick it up and holds it to her ear for a minute before pulling it away. “Rue, it’s your mom.”
Rue shoves another bite of amazing syrupy pancake into her mouth before standing up and taking the phone from Lexi. Her mom is on the other line and is speaking pretty fast, probably on her way to work, but she isn’t questioning Rue about drinking or drugs or her whereabouts. It’s most likely because Lexi answered the phone, and Lexi is almost more protective of Rue than her mom is.
“Just come home within three hours, okay?” Her mom tells her. “Come hangout with Gia.”
“I will.” Rue promises. It’s a reasonable request and she had planned on leaving soon anyways.
“Okay, good. I love you.”
“Love you too, mom.”
Once the short phone call is over, Rue sits back down. The kitchen gets quieter as everyone busies themselves with their pancakes and Lexi eats a significant amount of strawberries. She occasionally hands Rue more of the fruit (and eyes how much syrup Rue is putting on her pancakes like she’s slightly concerned), but otherwise focuses on cutting and eating.
When her plate is clear and her mouth isn’t busy, Rue nudges Lexi with her knee. “So, do you still have them?”
“Have what?”
“The pictures.” Rue clarifies. “Of us.”
Lexi’s cheeks turn bright red.
A few hours later, Rue is half-heartedly pushing Gia on the swings. She must look like shit, but she’s making a valiant effort to stay clean here. Someone should buy her a fucking medal. She knows if she returns home those pills will speak to her (literally - it’s happened before), so she used Lexi’s phone to text Gia about meeting at the park. They’ve been here an hour and Rue has decided that avoidance is a pretty cool technique, because her imagination has run wild with the thought that Jules is really just at home studying or some other boring shit.
It’s technically not a lie. Rue has no idea where Jules is. The train had been into the city, but that was hours ago. There’s been enough time for Jules to have sobered up, came home, and climbed back up into her room. Rue hasn’t checked and she won’t, so the lie is not really a lie.
“Okay, we’ve been here an hour.” Gia digs the heels of her shoes into the ground, effectively stopping the swing from moving. “You haven’t taken me to the park in years. Why are we here?”
“Sisterly bonding.” Rue replies. Gia is too smart for that, which Rue is both glad and mad about.
“We could have done that at home.” Gia pauses, the silence making it apparent that she’s thinking something over. “Is this about Lexi?”
Rue exhales loudly enough that the whole park could hear it if they focused. She had thought that Gia would’ve brought up Jules. Even though that name comes up in Rue’s head every other heartbreaking second, she really isn’t ready to hear it said aloud. Call her a sap if you want, but she would probably burst into tears and hide under a slide while she did it.
“Why would it be about Lexi?”
Gia’s fingers fiddle with the swings’ chains, but her back is to Rue so Rue can’t guess her next sentence. “Well, you stayed over at her house. Usually when you stay over at a girl’s house you come home all giggly and weird but now you just seem… calm.”
“It’s because I am.”
And that’s not a lie either, because while Rue’s life is falling to shambles, it’s doing it slowly. She’s on the Titanic. She’ll go down with style and some music and Leonardo DiCaprio.
The iceberg has already hit, but it won’t really take her down and drown her until she inevitably goes home to where the cold, unforgiving sea is.
Maybe Rue is being dramatic.
“Have you seen the Titanic?” Rue asks. Another distraction.
“No.”
“Gia, that’s a goddamn travesty.”
Rue’s distractions for the day include driving over an hour to get Gia to a movie theater out of town that is playing the Titanic, even though they have the DVD at home. The movie is long enough that combined with the drive and the ice cream they stop for, it’s dark when they return to town. Then, it seems there’s nothing for them to do but go home and sleep - and that thought terrifies Rue.
Anyways, the world comes up with a natural distraction pretty fucking quick.
“Holy fucking shit.” Gia gasps as a body goes flying over the car. Rue would tell her to watch her language, but Gia is completely right - holy fucking shit.
Now, Rue would like to keep it on record that she did not mean to run over Lexi Howard. Not at all. It’s just, Rue wasn’t feeling well as soon as she turned down the street her house is on, and it had been dark. So dark. And it’s not like Rue ever actually drives their crappy second car, so it’s not her fault that she’s bad at this.
However, it is her fault that she sits there staring at the dimly lit street in front of her, wishing their headlights were brighter. It is her fault that her senses are never at their best because of the years of drug abuse. It is her fault that she barely budges when Gia starts frantically pulling at her arm. It’s definitely her fault that it takes her a whole ass minute to get the fuck out of the car and check on her friend.
She’s just in shock.
Rue stumbles out of the car and runs around to the back of it, nearly throwing up when she catches sight of Gia’s face and Lexi’s body. Lexi doesn’t seem to have any major injuries, but she’s definitely unconscious and they should check if she’s breathing and is this the worst thing Rue has done all year?
Is this the final blow from the iceberg, yards away from her house?
“Call 911.” Rue instructs, because she’s supposed to be the adult here. Her voice sounds strained, panicked. She repeats herself until Gia scurries back into the car for her phone. “Go! Call 911.”
Rue kneels down beside Lexi, praying even though she’s an atheist. She lets her hand hover over Lexi’s mouth and feels the air there, the slow and shaky inhale and exhale. Relief hits her like a ton of bricks.
For the first time ever, Rue tells Lexi what Lexi has been telling her for years. “It’s okay. Focus on your breathing.”