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„If you think about it, I killed fewer people than Clarke Griffin.”
Michael raised one challenging eyebrow in retort. They were comfortably seated on the couch while watching a TV series which Lucifer grew obsessed with and Michael tolerated. The older archangel had a feeling that his brother just enjoyed seeing people kill each other off and on-screen so Michael argued that he could make peace with the later in the sake of preventing the first option. Lucifer also tended to make comments throughout the episodes but none of those had been in connection with himself until now.
„Really? See, dear brother, I have a fleeting memory of something called the Black plague, Spanish flu, Hurricane Katrina, World War II…” Michael listed as he counted on his fingers.
„Those weren’t my fault. People just like to blame me for their misery.” Lucifer chimed in, pouting at the accusation and sinking deeper down into the cushions.
„Still,” Michael continued, his gaze following the events on the TV, „Clarke made sacrifices for the sake of her own people. Her intentions derived from loyalty and responsibility, while your motivation is fairly questionable.”
Lucifer narrowed his eyes at Michael, hoping that his brother would realise how hurtful his words were to him and would quickly take them back. After all, Michael could be really dull from time to time.
„How come you’re always on Team Crush Lucifer’s Feelings?” Lucifer questioned defensively. Of course, Michael didn’t notice how deeply his comment affected his brother.
„There’s no such team, you just take everything to heart. And even if I were committed to purposely insulting you, your enormous ego would prevent me from crushing those so-guarded emotions.” Michael explained with an intentionally visible eye-roll at the end.
Lucifer couldn’t believe how merciless Michael sounded. It reminded Lucifer of the time when Michael was fighting against him, in a hopeless battle deemed as his mission, protecting the old man’s pride which was not his issue to solve in the first place. It sounded just like the cold, deluded, uncaring Michael who abandoned their former brotherhood, who used Lucifer’s love and trust against him and sent him down to Hell to suffer alone for all eternity.
Lucifer was crashed by the memories, but he had always chosen fury over sulking, hurting others in order to protect himself rather than considering the possibility of his own fault in the matter.
„So uncalled for.” Lucifer mumbled which earned a cuff from his brother. „See?! You are doing it again. It’s like second nature to you at this point!” Lucifer shouted, his emotions outpowering his rational sense (which was not unusual in his case).
Michael seemed unphased by his brother’s outburst and Lucifer only hated him more for being able to hide his emotions so well. Either that or he felt no sorry for the words he had spoken and in that case, Lucifer was ready to rip his face off.
„I admit, fighting with you is a more familiar territory for me but we all know that it takes two to tango.” Michael bit back and Lucifer’s eyes widened.
He had the decency to blame Lucifer for the argument they were having when clearly it was Michael who had started it!
„I enjoy mocking you, not smashing your feelings into the ground like an emotionless, sadist asshole. There’s a difference.” Lucifer’s face was red at this point from all the anger that was boiling inside him, effectively fending off the tears that threatened to escape.
„Why do you think your words don’t have an effect on me?” Michael asked as if Lucifer was the one trying to demolish his self-esteem.
„They don’t.” Lucifer reasoned, surprised at how he managed to stay seated on the couch and not storm out of the room as he intended to. „You seemed to have mastered a blank face that hardly ever changes. Except when you are shaming me because then it looks like you find great joy in making me feel worthless.” Lucifer answered bitterly, finally standing up from beside his brother who looked shocked at his confession but remained silent. „By the way, we could argue about who has the bigger ego here, Mr We-cannot-walk-off-the-chessboard. ”
Michael’s jaw clenched and his stare hardened, any compassion or guilt he had felt before fading away with the heat of the fight that they were undeniably having.
„The others would take my side on this one, brother. Even Dean.” Michael argued smugly but his eyes maintained their solidness as if challenging Lucifer who too refused to break the eye-contact.
„You are doing it again! And this just proves how big of an egoist you are. Convinced that you are always right!” Lucifer shouted and he could sense the annoyance rolling off of Michael while he stood in front of Lucifer with his arrogant, pompous attitude, clearly feeling superior because he kept himself collected and wasn’t screaming like his little brother.
„You are picking a fight again, Luce.” Michael said, putting all responsibility on Lucifer, just like always.
„You started it.” Even Lucifer knew it was a weak comeback. He just felt defenceless under all the accusations and betrayal that he felt. He thought they were over this, that he found redemption in Michael’s grace and endless love but he was clearly mistaken.
„Don’t be a child, Luce.” Michael berated, freezing the air between the two archangels.
The shards of his brother’s words shattered the thin wall of Lucifer’s heart, which wanted to scream out in agony, but the voice of his vessel could only shout and choke as the angel suffered within.
„Ohh, so I am the child?! Well, who was the one who was too scared to tell Daddy that he developed feelings for his brother, who was too frightened to stand up against that old bastard when HE sent his oldest son into a battle against his own brother, who refused to listen to his beloved brother and instead of contemplating his side of the argument, decided to ignore anything they might have shared until that day to ultimately turn his back on his family?! Whose ego was so big, and who was such a control-freak that he insisted on following the ’Great Plan’ just to please an absent father and meanwhile destroying the family which was supposed to be his greatest responsibility, and not even taking the blame for his actions because he is a fucking COWARD?!”
Lucifer saw Michael’s facade break as hints of emotions shone through his shield, watering eyes reflecting repentance and vulnerability, but the younger archangel didn’t look back as he dashed out of the room, leaving behind a confused and emotionally wrecked Michael as he shouted his last words:
„I HATE YOU! I WISH I KILLED IN THAT CEMETERY!”
***
Michael messed up. It wasn’t something out of the ordinary, per se. He was aware of how harsh his words could be, he knew he didn’t have a filter and he often got carried away in the heat of the moment. He knew he was the one to blame but he was never good at dealing with guilt, nor apologising. No, he wasn’t good at showing the vulnerable side of him but when he felt comfortable enough to open up once in a blue moon, Lucifer never took advantage of it. He listened carefully, and against all odds, he was tender and understanding.
Michael enjoyed fighting with Lucifer, and that fact was a burden of shame. But he couldn’t help but go against Lucifer’s opinion, proving him wrong again and again just to emerge as the winner of a meaningless fight. Michael was deeply ashamed by how much he indulged in their bickering but there was one comforting thought which quelled the storm inside him: no matter how fun it was to challenge his brother and get under his skin just to see when Lucifer would break, the one thing he enjoyed even more profoundly was embracing his brother in a bone-breaking hug while letting their grace gently dance around each other. He absolutely loved snuggling up to Lucifer on cold nights where there seemed to be no warmth or peace anywhere else in the world, only within the protecting arms of his beloved. And if he had to choose one, he would hold Lucifer tight until everything faded into nothingness around them. Forever.
However, he started a fight in which he deliberately tried to bruise his lover with his words, and its effects were irreversible. Lucifer was one to hold a grudge, and Michael didn’t know how to make up for something so unforgivable.
So he took some time off and skipped out to Heaven.
Yes, like a coward. Lucifer was right after all, and Michael would have raged if not for the unbearable fear of losing his brother. He missed him greatly but this aspect would not impress the other archangel, neither would it soothe out matters between them.
He didn’t have a good relationship with many of the angels, and he slowly started to see the reason behind that fact. Anyway, in his current state, it was hard to find one to confide in, to have someone listen to him and maybe even provide him with a few words of advice. He couldn’t go to Castiel, he would advise him to show Lucifer how much he loved him by some romantic gesture but Michael feared it wouldn’t be enough this time. Gabriel was also a man of action and when they had a big fight with Sam, he usually cooked the hunter a meal and serenaded him with an emotional love song which included an honest admission of how big of a dick he was and how much he loved the other man. Michael was not talented in any way, he only had his words, and those were the ones that led him to this fiasco in the first place.
„Then write it down.” Samandriel suggested. „Everybody likes a love letter.”
„I doubt he would read it.” Michael sulked in defeat. He was out of ideas and was growing more and more restless as the days without his lover went by. The other angels weren’t even trying to hide their annoyance anymore and straight-up ignored him.
„Then read it out loud.” Samandriel’s voice rang kindly but even he couldn’t cover up how exhausted he felt. „Make him listen.” With that, the angel flew off to wherever he was needed in Heaven.
Michael dismissed the idea first for none other reason than it sounded too simple and ordinary, but as time in Heaven gradually wore him out, the idea of a love letter crawled back into his mind and the archangel found himself contemplating the advice more and more eagerly. It swirled around in his head until Michael had no other choice than to proceed with the ridiculous plan. He was desperate, after all, and it was the best piece of advice he had received in the past few days. Furthermore, the chance of Lucifer actually hearing him out and not striking down at Michael upon his appearance must have improved after the days spent apart. Solitude had the power to soften the heart, and time would help Lucifer’s anger to subside.
Michael had his doubts but desperate measures needed to be taken.
Nevertheless, as he was about to compose the most heartfelt letter that anyone has ever written, he had to acknowledge one tiny complication: he had no idea how to write a love letter. In order to bring about the reconciliation with his brother without wasting precious time (did he mention that he really missed the idiot?), he ignored all protests that his mind conjured up and was most likely biased by his pride, to seek assistance in this crucial matter.
His ploy was definitely not considerate of Samandriel, but since he provided the possible solution to Michael’s disagreement with Lucifer, the younger angel had to take one for the team and agree to cooperate with Michael in hope that the oldest archangel would quit moping around and distracting the angels from their duties. It had taken two days, but Michael was content with the result. He had a neat, organised, 12-page-long apology printed out on a sheet of paper that he would deliver to Lucifer and by which he would consequently attain his brother’s forgiveness. There was no mistake in his strategy.
Or he thought so.
First, he had arranged everything so that the day he would leave Heaven, all circumstances would be in his favour. His plan remained a secret – even when Castiel took a quick sojourn up to recollect Michael and end the suffering of both Heaven and the Winchester household – so that by using Lucifer’s silence (which would be a result of Michael’s unexpected return) Michael could successfully recite his apology.
This plan, as it turned out, was short-lived.
He ambushed his brother when Lucifer was on his weekly stroll in the Keukenhof Garden, Lisse. The younger archangel had taken a personal interest in gardens, so when Michael evaluated the probability of his victory in each scenario, his decisive argument favouring the garden preconstructed a situation in which Lucifer would be most open for compromise. Shortly, flowers would make Lucifer more emotional and therefore more willing to make up.
What Michael failed to take into account was his inability to form coherent sentences at the sight of his brother, especially when said weakness was heightened by the amount of time spent without his beloved. Not only that, but the need to wrap him up in a hug and undo any harm he had caused in the past was utterly frustrating. Michael quelled the overwhelming urge to kiss Lucifer, understanding the importance of the moment. Every movement he made was calculated and part of the plan so Lucifer would surely take him back. Michael could not deal with rejection. Thus he couldn’t lose his chances to momentary relief and happiness that he wanted to achieve on a whim. He had to be smarter than that.
„Michael.” Lucifer’s voice gave away nothing of his feelings upon seeing his brother. It was infuriating but Michael had to keep his mind to secure his triumph.
„Lucifer. I came here with peace and the intention to mend our relationship. I will not force anything onto you but I wish to explain my behaviour in hope that you will listen to what I have to say.” Michael started while quietly observing the twitch of Lucifer’s eye. The archangel only continued to talk when Lucifer made no attempt to stop him or launch onto his brother. „I wrote a letter to express my sincere apology and show you how I truly feel.” Michael then used his powers to manifest the letter from thin air and with an even voice, he started to read out loud the pre-prepared speech. „My dear brother, I know that in the past we have had many disagreements and seeing as we have managed to reunite on every occasion, I believe that we can overcome our stubborn beliefs by mutual admittance…”
„Wait, wait, hold on for a sec!” Lucifer cut in, putting one finger up in the air.
Michael gulped, unprepared for any interruptions. The hands of his vessel started to sweat and he cursed the human body for having this kind of reaction in a situation bearing such importance.
„Start over!” Lucifer instructed, his voice steady and firm.
Michael wanted to shout, or rather, he wanted Lucifer to shout. He wished his brother would scream, fight, kick Michael in the ribs or just say that he wished he had killed him in the cemetery like last time. He was clueless of how to deal with an indifferent Lucifer, one who didn’t seem to care about whatever Michael tried in attempt to dissolve their conflict. This was Lucifer of his worst nature: merciless, uncaring, pitiful and calculating.
Michael cleared his throat and tried to regain his previous bravery which seemed to have evaporated under the scrutinizing gaze of his brother.
„My dear brother, I know- I know that in the past we have had many disagreements and seeing as we have - managed to reunite…”
„Here, stop!” Lucifer demanded and Michael went silent.
The air was vibrating with the tension between them and the older archangel felt an uncontrollable shiver run down his spine. Lucifer dragged his gaze over him before meeting his eyes again, cold and blank stare cutting through to Michael’s core.
„See, this is where you are incorrect. This…” Lucifer flailed as he let out a bitter and (terrifying) laugh. „Correct me if I’m wrong, but after our ’disagreement’, right after you have called me a child and a killing monster, you just disappeared for 11 days, presumably to Heaven if Castiel can be trusted, and made no move to right out the mess you have created – because YOU are the cause of this – for almost two weeks when I was basically having a hell of a time down here thinking that you do not give a flying fuck about how I feel and simply assumed that you felt the right to call it a day and just go on a fricking vacation since you seemed to be annoyed by my presence if you don’t downright hate me, and you chose Heaven of all places, probably because it was the farthest you could get from your monstrous brother. Great plan since I cannot follow you there, disabling me to talk to you or demand an answer for why you have been acting like the biggest jerk of all time. No, you have completely shut me out, made me feel like a stupid love-struck idiot who fell for the sweet words of a liar to whom this relationship must have been a game from the start and as soon as he got bored he just ducked out as if it was nothing. On top of that , after all the bullshit you have pulled, you thought that the best approach would be if you just looped into my favourite garden – ruining the only time I can get some peace and quiet - with a fucking letter that you probably asked someone else to write for you because there is no way that you have had any genuine feelings for me. I’m pretty sure you had all this planned out, right? How you would recite your little love letter, maybe fake some tears and ask for my forgiveness which of course I would give you, after all, I am that fucking lonely and I probably have no one apart from you so I would take you back out of desperation. And maybe you would have even begged a little, all because you are a SELF-CENTERED DICK who cannot bear the thought of being alone and needs someone he can control to feel powerful but when the other needs support and reassurance you just fucking DISAPPEAR!”
Michael was rendered speechless. Lucifer’s face was red from both anger and the tears which slowly started to fall down his flushed cheeks throughout his outburst. Michael was so stunned at his lover’s accusations that he failed to find words that would have reassured Lucifer that he was mistaken about Michael’s feelings. The older archangel was rooted to the spot with stone-cold features, his feelings dwelling up in his throat and preventing him from explaining his true intentions. Lucifer just scoffed at him before turning away:
„Pathetic.” Lucifer murmured with glossy eyes as he made his way down the path.
Michael was convinced that he had screwed it up ultimately. There would be no take-backs, no apologies, no second chances. He was so furious at himself, replaying their conversation and pinpointing every occasion he could have intervened and stopped Lucifer from assuming unreal things about their relationship. Michael taunted himself for missing his only chance and pushing his brother away once again.
Then he realised that Lucifer was walking down the small rocks beside the tulip field. He didn’t fly away, although it would have been the most convenient way of transport if he so desired to get away from Michael.
Michael mustered up his courage and instead of blocking Lucifer’s way, he gave out a broken cry: „Lucifer!”
The other archangel stopped in his tracks. Michael suppressed a sob before raising his voice again:
„I’m not letting you walk away again!” The words felt like bricks on his chest, scratching his throat as if he was coughing up sandpaper when he spoke. But no matter how hard it was to submit, the pain was the only way he could prove himself to Lucifer. For the first time in his existence, he would put his brother above himself. „I’m not giving up on you!”
Lucifer’s posture was rigid and brittle. Sunshine broke through the green curtain of trees to light up the silhouette of a ravaged and scarred angel whose wings were only visible to the other celestial being but still magnificent and glorious in their shredded and curled-up state.
„I know you’ve already set your heart on these ridiculous convictions, but this time you need to listen to me, your brother, who is willing to fall on his knees right here and right now if need be. You know why, Luce? Because I’m weak and terrified to no end, but I will not stand here and watch you walk out on me the way you dreamed to ont hat dreadful day. I didn’t walk off the chessboard then I won’t leave now! Our story will never be over, Lucifer!” Michael shouted, his voice carried by the wind which invited the colourful tulips around them to a beautiful dance of petals. „I am going to redeem myself to you, brother. You can be stubborn as hell but we both know that you are nothing compared to my persistence. I will withstand your insults and your rejections until you grant me the chance of coming clean to you.”
Michael felt his grace reach out to Lucifer who reluctantly let their essence mingle. The first sign of forgiveness.
„I went to Heaven in search of answers. I needed peace and time to arrange my thoughts and establish what I wanted. When you reentered my life you not only melted what was frozen inside me, but also swept through my world like an unstoppable hurricane which was meant to destroy me. But you wreck me, you made me stronger. I was just confused with all the changes and this uncertainty came with questions and misjudgement. I misinterpreted my emotions, my mission… Father knows it was not the first time I’ve fallen into that trap. I needed closure. I had to look into myself to see how I stand with this new situation, how I treated you and my environment, but I also had to evaluate my actions and count my sins. You cannot blame me for wanting some time out in order to find my righteous path. I couldn’t continue what I had been doing before because it was benefitting neither me nor you. And yes, I have asked for someone’s assistance in creating this confession and putting my feelings into words because you know the best that talking about emotions is not my forte. I am an angel of the Lord and was not supposed to feel. I was created to fight, to follow our Father and protect His word of law. I mean… I am trying here, Lucifer. But I need you to cooperate for once and stop your solo-mission so we can fight through this together.”
Michael felt lighter than ever before. The words floated away with the afternoon breeze, the truth now freed from its cage inside Michael’s heart where it had been hidden for far too long. Lucifer finally turned around, his eyes filled with oceans of sorrow, such raw human emotions entranced Michael. He stepped closer to his brother so that his grace could envelop Lucifer’s in a warm glow of love and regret.
„I’m sorry.” Michael whispered softly, not a prisoner of his fears anymore. He could say it if only this once. „I love you. I know I haven’t given much reason for you to believe it but I do. You’re my brother, I will remain at your side even if the world comes to an end.”
Lucifer’s breath hitched and he let his limp body fall into Michael’s welcoming arms. The clouds were still on the horizon and the cold waves of a new beginning didn’t wash away their past. But wounds would heal and the storms would pass so they could bath in the sunlight of redemption.
„We may hurt each other,” Michael spoke up quietly, his arms holding Lucifer as close as their human vessels could allow them. „Even so, we will most likely be enemies for all eternity. It is our faith. But don’t you doubt that I won’t return to you every time.” Michael’s soft murmurs lulled Lucifer into a comfortable silence, letting hope fill his heart at the affectionate words.
The universe might have decided their faith. But they would be companions on the journey of unforeseeable future until the bitter end.