Chapter Text
The black cat crouched sleepily on the dead woman’s chest, legs tucked under its body, fluffy tail curled snugly around its paws. At Lucifer’s loud snort it startled awake, threw him a bleary look, then went back to dozing.
Lucifer surveyed the crime scene, eyeing the feline with distaste. “Did it eat her?”
“Huh, what? No !” Ella glanced up from her camera viewfinder before lining up another shot. “And Kitty is a she, not an it . Collar says her name is Josie.”
Lucifer frowned. “Josie? That’s a rather human name for a cat isn’t it? I thought people liked giving them punny names like… I dunno, Ferris Mewler and Chairman Miaow.”
“Or… Luci-fur?” Ella offered with a smirk. Over the click of the shutter Ella heard the consultant make a noise, but whether it was a laugh or a huff she couldn’t tell. As she continued taking photos she added, “I’m surprised you haven’t figured out it’s probably a music reference, Mr I’m- So-Cool- I- Listen- To- Bands- That- Don’t- Even- Exist- Yet.”
Lucifer looked surprised. “A music reference? In what way?”
Ella glanced up at him expectantly. “You know - Josie and the Pussycats ?”
“Never heard of them. Where they from?”
“The all chick rock band from the Archie comics?”
Lucifer’s expression cleared. “Ah. Fictional. That explains it.”
Ella shrugged, then turned to the moggy and clicked her tongue at her. The cat opened her eyes again, looked up at her, and let out a tiny purr-miaow.
Ella melted. “Yeah, I know. Poor kitty. You lost your mom and you’re so loyal you won’t leave her side.” She added mournfully to Lucifer, “Wouldn’t even eat the food I got to distract her while I combed her for evidence. Isn’t that just the saddest most precious thing?”
Lucifer eyed the cat and cleared his throat. “Correction, she’s not ‘by her side’, she’s perched on top like she’s conquered Everest. Has no doubt always dreamed of this moment, biding her time, plotting...” He fixed the cat with a suspicious glare. “Haven’t you?”
The cat ignored him.
Ella looked up from her kneeling position next to the body and put a hand on her hip. Lucifer noted her t shirt today sported two atoms in an amusing conversation on the front; I lost an electron! ...Are you positive?
She asked, “Got something against cats, Lucifer? You more of a dog person?” Then she added with a smirk, “Oh I know… Hellhound person?”
Lucifer didn’t smile back. Instead, he nodded. “Indeed.” He raised an eyebrow at Ella’s delighted grin and went on, “While you might be oblivious to the number of Hell loops involving snuffing it old and alone in a locked room full of starving cats, Miss Lopez, I am not.“ He made a face. “Loathsome creatures.”
Ella smiled and shook her head, then looked at the totes adorbs bundle of fur curled up on the victim’s chest. She reached out to scratch the cat behind the ears. “Don’t listen to him, nugget,” she murmured. The cat started up with a loud rumbling purr and butted her head affectionately into Ella’s hand. Ella kissed the air at her, then smiled up at Lucifer, who was watching on with his lip curled slightly.
“ Awwww …? How do you not fall in love with this bundle of cuteness?”
“Emphatically,” he bluntly replied.
Ella sighed and shook her head. Still nothing. Maybe he really wasn’t human.
Chloe appeared in the doorway leading to the front of the house. She saw Ella petting the cat and deadpanned, “Witness being helpful?” Then she blinked and gave the cat a thoughtful look.
Ella smiled. “She sure is.” She made more noises of adoration at the cat. “Aren’t you? Yes you are.”
Lucifer huffed impatiently. He wished Animal Control would get a move on. They’d captured a few of the wandering felines already but there were several more lurking under beds and couches around the place avoiding capture and eyeing him with a strangely unnerving intensity, like they were sizing him up for their next meal.
“Could we please get on with it?” he grumbled, compulsively brushing at his sleeve. “I’m accumulating cat hair just standing here.” Every single hair the tiny monsters shed seemed to be circulating through the house and sticking onto his suit like a magnet.
Ella withdrew her hand and stood up with a reluctant sigh, then gestured at the body on the floor. “This poor lady is Ms Tara Anaya, sixty eight years old. Cause of death blunt force trauma to the head.” She winced in sympathy for the victim as she again regarded her injuries and added sadly, “Well, traumas, multiple. Somebody caved her face in; broke her nose, her jaw, fractured both cheekbones and orbital sockets. The killing blow was most likely to the temporal bone behind the left ear which caused a brain bleed. As you can see…” she gestured at the blood that covered the woman’s face and neck, had dribbled from her left ear and matted down her short, stylishly cut silvering hair, “...Somebody really...” she trailed off as they all silently regarded the body.
“Time of death?” Chloe asked softly.
“Around 10pm last night.” Ella swallowed. “Judging by the amount of blood and the initial stages of bruising, it wasn’t quick, but I doubt she was conscious.”
Lucifer scowled. “A vicious and cowardly attack. It would seem the killer was very angry with her for some reason.”
Ella replied, “Um, the state of the scene,” she waved her hand to indicate the room turned upside down around them, “Suggests a home invasion. The front door was jimmied, her purse was emptied and there’s valuables missing from the house.”
Chloe shook her head slightly. “Hm, no, I think that’s a misdirect. I agree with Lucifer - the killer knew her. This kind of rage... it had to be personal.”
Ella hummed thoughtfully. “Crime of passion?”
Lucifer shook his head. “Not unheard of at her age, but no, I don’t think so.” He looked down at the woman and his eyes hardened. “This was a punishment.”
Ella’s eyes widened at the conviction in his voice. “For what?”
Lucifer shrugged. “Well that is the question, isn’t it? What did she do that was supposedly so heinous as to deserve an end like this?” He cocked his head, thinking. “For all we know, she could be a war criminal, or the reprobate who invented reality television.”
“Close,” Ella replied. “Her career was in music, not TV. She was a talent manager. Sold her agency just last month.”
Chloe, who’d been inspecting several framed certificates and records on the wall and googling on her phone, put in, “A good one, too. Made millions from the agency deal.”
“Goodness me it’s perilous having a music career in LA!” Lucifer exclaimed. “What’ve we had so far, Detective? Shot dead in a drive-by, garrotted with a double bass string, beaten to death with a bass guitar, what’s next? Some poor sod gets a piano dropped on their head?”
Ella piped up, “And blown up with a firework, duh.” How could Lucifer have forgotten that one? It was only a couple days ago, plus he got stabbed taking down the perp! You’d never know to look at him though; he wasn’t even wearing a sling. He must be on some insanely good pain meds.
Lucifer hummed. “Indeed. This town is rife with jealousy and desperation, and bottom-feeding maggots who’d screw over their own mum to get ahead.” He looked over at Chloe and added, “Or even murder their own artists, like that cradle-snatching wanker Jimmy Barnes.”
Chloe nodded, subconsciously lifting a hand to her chest to where Barnes had shot her. Hidden by a high-collared, buttoned up green silk shirt the small pale scar stood out even clearer than usual today thanks to the massive haloed bruise surrounding it. It had faded to queasy shades of yellow and green, a reminder of her and Lucifer’s little adventure down at the docks last week.
Lucifer went on, “Even if this woman stopped short of murder she could have stolen music, poached talent, skimmed royalties … she could very easily have a dark past.”
Ella nodded thoughtfully, then replied in all seriousness, “But if she had a dark past you’d know all about it, wouldn’t you, Lucifer?” She winked at Chloe. “Being the Lord of Hell and all. Don’t you have, like, a naughty list?” Ella turned to Lucifer, fighting to keep a straight face, but at the indignant look he gave her she almost immediately dissolved into giggles. “Dammit! I can’t do it!”
Lucifer made an impatient noise. “I’m Satan , not Santa, Miss Lopez,” he retorted. “I don’t have a bloody list. And I can’t tell just by looking at her, for goodness’ sake.” He spotted another hair on his sleeve and flicked it off, tutting irritably.
Chloe couldn’t help but smile at the lab tech’s oblivious teasing… if she only knew! She cut in smoothly, “We’ll talk to her lawyer, check to see if she had any litigation brought against her. According to trade sites her divorce was over fifteen years ago and amicable enough but you never know. And we’ve got neighbours to talk to as well.” She tapped Lucifer on the arm. “Coming, Satan?”
Lucifer, compulsively brushing himself down again, shuddered. “Gladly, Detective.”
Ella giggled. “Aww you guys are just adorbs with your little pet names. ...‘Satan’…‘Detective’…”
She watched them go out the French doors into the spacious garden and she was once again alone with the cat. She reached over to pet her some more, scritching her cheek and under her chin, grinning at the bandsaw purring. I should be working, she thought guiltily. In a minute. Just one more minute.
The cat blissfully threw her head back so that Ella could scratch her better, in the process revealing a tiny dab of pure white on the otherwise pitch black fur of her chest. “Awww. You’re just the cutest.” She was silent for a moment, then whispered softly, “Now, I know this is a bit sudden, ‘cause we’ve only just met, but...” The cat looked up at her with half-lidded green eyes and a tiny bubble of drool on her chin and Ella’s heart melted into a helpless puddle of goo. “...do you wanna come home with me?”
-------------------
One neighbour in particular was of interest to their investigation, a Mrs Portia Heath who lived next door. According to Ms Anaya’s lawyer, Tara and Portia’s interactions had been getting more and more heated over the past few months. It wasn’t unheard of that an increasingly nasty neighbourly dispute could escalate to murder.
“My goodness, it’s terrible that something like this could happen here,” the old woman lamented, clutching her pearls in gnarled fingers and glancing coyly up at Lucifer. “We’re such a nice neighbourhood, all good people.”
Chloe didn’t buy the sweet old lady act for a second. She replied neutrally, “So you say Mrs Heath, but you and Tara didn’t get along, did you? There have been problems between you ever since you moved in 18 months ago.”
The old woman gave her an innocent look and replied condescendingly, “Tara took some things too personally, that’s all. Her husband divorced her, she was living alone here with all those cats.” She glanced around the victim’s backyard and craned her neck to peer through the open French doors into the house. “She could be very bitter and vindictive when she didn’t get her own way.”
Chloe gazed back impassively for a few moments before consulting her notes. “According to Ms Anaya’s attorney, you called the ASPCA on her.”
Portia nodded, still trying to see inside the house. “Uh-huh. I was worried about them cats. So many of them living in that dirty house together, running around the neighbourhood liable to get hit by cars… terrible.”
“The ASPCA investigated and found the cats were all safe and well cared for. And yet you kept calling the authorities onto her. In fact, she submitted multiple complaints about you for harassment.”
Portia abruptly dropped the facade and rounded on Chloe. She retorted angrily, “Her goddamned cats kept coming onto my property! Hanging around my aviary and scaring my birds. I had to do something.”
“We were informed you moved in and built the aviary knowing full well there were many cats already living in the neighbourhood, not just Ms Anaya’s.”
“So what?” Portia replied belligerently. “This is a free country. I’ve got the right to live where I want.” She scowled and said maliciously, “I hate cats. They stress my birds. Some of them get anxiety and pull their feathers out! It was all Tara’s fault, nobody should be allowed to have that many cats! They’re a menace. I hope they all get put down.”
Lucifer sighed. He really didn’t care, indeed he tended to agree with her as far as the verdict on cats went, but it was the principle of the thing. “Just out of curiosity, just how many birds do you have?”
“That’s none of your business,” she shot back rudely.
Lucifer’s sharp ears heard Ella quietly cough hypocrite from inside the house. He raised an eyebrow at the old woman and replied, “There’s enough for the Ark I’d wager, judging by the ear-splitting racket coming from your back garden.”
The birds were indeed noisy; there were constant whistles and screeches as the birds fought each other for perch space and squabbled for food in the overcrowded aviary. The old woman’s chin jutted stubbornly.
“It’s a free country. I’m a breeder and it’s my right. I shouldn’t have to change my life just because somebody wants me to!”
And yet she’d demanded Tara do exactly that. Chloe felt a swell of sympathy for the victim, having had to put up with this selfish, spiteful woman. “Tara also claimed you planted your garden full of lilies which are highly toxic to felines-”
“It’s my garden. I can do what I want with it.”
Chloe ignored the interruption, “- and then a month ago Ms Anaya accused you of killing one of her cats with poison.”
“Wasn’t me.”
Lucifer finally lost patience. He retorted, “Wasn’t it?” He fixed a dark glare on the old harridan’s watery blue eyes.
Portia turned an irritated frown on Lucifer and was about to double down on her answer but when her eyes met the tall foreigner’s she felt a strange feeling wash over her. She was pleased with herself for what she’d done, and for some reason she wanted this man to know it.
She smiled nastily. “Yeah, it was.”
Lucifer nodded, not at all surprised, and smiled coldly. “And then that wasn’t enough, was it? Tara still wouldn’t accede to your demands, so you decided to get rid of her too, didn’t you...”
Ella observed silently, off to the side in the doorway behind them. She watched Lucifer in fascination; she’d heard the precinct gossip about his unusual party trick and more stories from Dan on Friday night, but this was the first time she’d actually seen it for herself.
She hadn’t seen him do anything conspicuous at the bar the other night; not to the perv who’d run out of the bar screaming, and not to any of the couple hundred people who’d gone nuts and nearly started a riot shortly afterward. She’d been really pissed at Dan when he’d jumped straight to blaming Lucifer, as usual, when he didn’t seem to have done anything at all.
Then again, she’d seen plenty of hypnotists in Vegas, but what Lucifer was doing now was nothing like that. There was no snapping of fingers or hands pressed to foreheads or anything flashy, just his oddly magnetic, unblinking gaze and deep, beguiling voice.
The suspect shook her head slightly, looking a bit dazed, and answered, “I tried. Harassed her, threatened her, poisoned her cat; none of it worked.”
Lucifer finished triumphantly, “... And so you killed her!”
The woman started, then blinked. “Are you off your rocker? I wouldn’t kill a person!”
Lucifer stared at her for a moment, then turned to Chloe and shrugged. “It was worth a shot.”
Chloe nodded her thanks and asked Portia, “Do you know of anyone else who might hold a grudge against her? Does her ex-husband come by? Any former business associates?”
“I see the ex occasionally, and the son. In his thirties and still an entitled brat if you ask me. But you’d be better off looking at all the musician types that come around here at all hours, drinking and off their faces on drugs, stomping all over my lawn. They’re just lucky none of ‘em ever tried breaking into my house. I’ve got a gun and I’m not afraid to use it.”
Lucifer snickered at the mental image of this old battleaxe blasting away at trespassers with a hand cannon. He muttered, “ Not on my watch!”
Chloe elbowed him.
“Did you see or hear anything unusual last night? Say between 9 and 10pm?”
Portia squinted thoughtfully. “Now you mention it, I did hear tyres squealing round about the time I was going to bed. A bit after nine thirty? I went to look out the window but by the time I got there the car was speeding off up the street.”
“What colour was it?”
“I don’t know… it was dark out!” the old woman said tetchily. “My eyes aren't what they used to be.”
Lucifer retorted impatiently, “What did they used to be then? Ears?”
Chloe threw him a quelling look and thanked the woman for her help. And then while Chloe went to talk to the unis who’d canvassed the neighbourhood Lucifer disappeared back inside to pester Ella.
------------------
“So, Miss Lopez, tell me; what did you really get up to last Friday night?” He perched on a nearby chair and leaned eagerly forward, elbows on knees and chin on hands, looking like a teenager gossiping at a sleepover.
Ella, dusting for prints on the jimmied door, tried for ingenuous. “Huh?”
“Come now, you can tell me. You must have had something special planned, you’re not the sort to beg off on a big night out unless you already had something lined up. What was it - booty call?”
Ella shook her head. I wish. “Nah, I just… I hung out with my brother Ricky. Just talking, bonding, doing family stuff, that kinda thing...” Street racing, getting high, keeping Ricky from getting beat up, that kinda thing too...
Lucifer looked a little disappointed and sat back on the chair, elegantly crossing his long legs. “Oh. Well, you could’ve had your brother join us, you know, I wouldn’t have minded. The penthouse is always ready for guests, and the more the merrier, as they say.”
Ella smiled. “Aw that’s so sweet. Maybe next time?”
Lucifer nodded. “Definitely.” Then a gleeful look came over his face. “I can only imagine the dirt Ricksta has on you. I’ve already learned from Maze that you used to pinch cars - the mind boggles as to what else you might be holding out on us.”
Ella forced a smile. She didn’t mind everyone knowing about the cars thing, or even the sketchy stuff she did with Ricky, it was the really freaky stuff from back home that she didn’t want coming out. And Ricky couldn’t keep his big mouth shut at the best of times, never mind when he’d had a few drinks. She decided to change the subject.
“Speaking of brothers I’ve been meaning to ask, the fight with Amenadiel the other night looked pretty intense. You okay?”
Lucifer blinked and gave her a perplexed look. “Yes, of course.” Then he chuckled. “As far as brotherly bust-ups go, that one didn’t even rate in the top hundred.”
Ella nodded sympathetically. “I hear ya. Big families can be tough. And big brothers can be jerks.”
Lucifer snorted. “That’s putting it mildly.”
“I have THREE. Plus Ricky who always acted like he was older than me. And we all fight all the time. They always think they know what's best for me, especially my oldest brother Jay. He’s the ‘good’ one.”
Lucifer’s jaw visibly tightened and Ella figured that's probably what the fight had been about. She went on, “Which really ticks me off but they only do it 'cos they care about me." Then she amended, "Well, sometimes it's just because they're dicks, but hey. You can't choose your family. But you can tell them to take a hike when necessary."
Lucifer grunted. “I tried that, and the bastard chucked me in Hell.”
Ella hummed sympathetically but rolled her eyes a little at his drama. She went on, “Are you gonna let Amenadiel off the hook? He seemed pretty sorry about whatever it was he did.”
Lucifer made another noncommittal noise. He didn’t want to talk about it. He pointed at a guitar hung on a peg on the wall among numerous other instruments. “Finished with that?”
Ella nodded. “Yep. Why?”
“I’m in need of something to do.” Lucifer took it off the peg and plucked a few strings, checking it was in tune, then started lightly strumming. A few seconds later Chloe stuck her head in from the garden.
“Lucifer, what are you doing? That could be evidence!”
Lucifer merely raised an imperious finger then swept his arm at Ella with an expectant flourish.
Ella smiled. “He checked with me first, Chlo’. It’s fine.”
“Oh. Okay. Good.” Chloe thought she detected a touch of smugness in Lucifer’s grin. “Alright then, sorry.” The Detective headed back to what she was doing and Lucifer played a few chords. Then, to Ella’s surprise, he started playing a tune and singing quietly along.
“Crime solving De-vil, it makes sense. Don’t overthink it…”
Lucifer noticed Ella staring and said, “What? It’s a work in progress. I’m writing the Detective and I a theme song.” He continued playing and singing quietly and Ella groaned under her breath. “You play guitar too? Ugh seriously dude, what can’t you do? You make me sick.” She mock-stuck her finger down her throat but changed it to scratching her chin when Lucifer glanced up.
Then she pointed at the large harp that dominated the floor by the window seat and said playfully, “I would’ve thought that would be more your speed though, what with being an ANGEL and all.” She threw him a sly grin.
Lucifer gave the harp, and her, a dirty look. “Wrong on both counts, Miss Lopez.”
Hmm. First chink in his armour? How could their Lucifer not know the actual Lucifer was supposed to be a fallen angel?
Lucifer went on, “I identify as Devil , not angel, and haven’t done since I got kicked out of Heaven. It’s why I changed my name. And the whole concept of angels and harps and halos and so on is all utter bollocks anyway. Fit only for stained glass windows and cheesy Christmas ornaments.” He returned his attention to the guitar and resumed plucking out the melody. “I prefer piano and guitar, they’re much more fun. Not to mention you’re far more likely to get laid, not that I need any help in that department.”
Ella smiled and shook her head. He got her again! He always had his own interpretation of religious lore, and he was so damn good at it. And quick! He was as good as the players on Whose Line Is It Anyway.
They worked in companionable silence for a while, with only the soft rustling of Ella’s fingerprint brush and Lucifer’s quiet playing as accompaniment. Then Ella carried on their conversation as if they hadn’t even stopped.
“Speaking of representation, have you seen Bedazzled ?”
Lucifer had only been half listening, lightly strumming, but stopped abruptly. “What’s that? You got vajazzled?” Then he smiled approvingly. “You’ll be off to Mass in your Sunday best on the weekend then.”
Ella snorted with amusement. “No, no, that’s just your dirty mind. BEdazzled , you perv. The sixties movie with Peter Cook and Dudley Moore?”
“Ah yes - and the lovely Raquel. Yes I’ve seen it.” Lucifer went back to playing.
“Well?” Ella prompted. “What did you think of it?”
“Cook’s is one of the few portrayals of me that I actually approve of; very classy. All the ‘sell your soul’ stuff is rubbish, of course, but I got a laugh out of it. I quite liked the remake too, and thought Liz Hurley made a suitably hot me.”
“What were some of your other influences?”
“Influences?”
“Yeah, you know, when you were working out your characterisation.”
Lucifer again stopped playing, crossing his wrists in a relaxed pose on top of the guitar but a half-amused, half-exasperated look on his face. “Miss Lopez, I think you’d be better off asking the Church where they got their characterisation of me. I’m barely mentioned in the Bible, and yet religious art is obsessed with giving me goat horns, bat wings, forked tails and so on. It’s not me, it’s them .” He made a face. “Aside from the obvious anti-pagan propaganda, what’s with all these repressed religious types and their human-beast hybrid fetishes? Big red flag if you ask me.”
Ella was about to suggest angels were technically hybrids too when Chloe came back.
“Hey Mr Short Attention Span," she said. "Wanna get off your ass and come help me?”
Lucifer spread his hands. “And do what, exactly, Detective? The old bat from next door has already been dealt with and we’re still waiting for the noxious heir to get here.”
“Well, I have an idea,” Chloe replied, beckoning to him. With a sigh he hung the guitar back on the peg and followed her down the other end of the house out of Ella’s earshot, where Josie the cat sat watching them from a couch.
Chloe took a deep breath and tried to stay matter-of-fact about this. Maintain her professionalism, even in the face of the utter insanity that was her life now. “Would you mind questioning our witness?”
Lucifer looked mystified. “What witness? There wasn’t anyone here besides the cat.”
Chloe’s eyebrows went up meaningfully. Lucifer waited expectantly for a few moments, then the penny dropped, and by the appalled expression on his face he looked like he’d accidentally stepped in the litter box. He pointed at the feline sitting placidly on the couch.
“You want me to interrogate the CAT ?” he hissed.
Chloe shrugged. “Sure. Why not? Maybe she saw something.”
Lucifer rolled his eyes. “Detective please.”
“I’m serious. Just last week you told me you can talk to dogs!”
Lucifer looked at the cat, who gazed serenely back at him, then abruptly flung a hind leg in the air and started energetically licking her ass. Chloe clenched her teeth, willing her face to stay neutral.
“Oh that’s a great idea,” Lucifer retorted sarcastically, watching the cat’s ablutions with distaste. “Shouldn’t we call her lawyer first?”
“Ha, ha, very funny. Come on.”
“I despise cats. The furry, sociopathic little b…”
“I’d have thought you’d love cats! You’ve got a lot in common with them.”
“What?” Lucifer was outraged. “Don’t be preposterous!”
“Well let’s see,” Chloe ticked a list off her fingers. “You’re all individualistic, impulsive, unpredictable, don’t like being told what to do, are super fussy with the grooming, love the catnip… plus, you know, you’re a bit of a tomcat yourself, maybe she’ll take a shine to you.”
Not to mention, thought Chloe to herself, you’re wilful little shits with a rebellious streak a mile wide. She smiled as winningly as she knew how to.
Lucifer gave the cat a disdainful look. “Uh, NO. Detective, of all of Father’s creatures who could potentially help with our investigations, I would rate felines somewhere level with a troop of poo-flinging monkeys. They typically don’t give a rat’s arse about anything besides their own comfort, and are notoriously hard to engage.”
She tried appealing to his vanity. “But you’re the Devil. Surely you can handle one cute little puss… er, kitty?” She closed her eyes; she knew it was already too late.
And sure enough, she heard the smirk in his voice as he replied, “Well, pussy wrangling, Detective, that’s a whole new kettle of fish-”
Chloe cut him off with a raised hand. “I know, poor choice of words.” She looked up at him earnestly. “We’ve got a job to do, and I just want to use every tool at my disposal-” He grinned and opened his mouth to say something else but she shook her head and made hasty cutting motions with her hands.
“Every SKILL! I meant skill.”
Lucifer chuckled in amusement. He loved winding her up.
Chloe smiled hopefully. “So you’ll do it then?”
The smile abruptly fell from Lucifer’s face and he fixed Chloe with a long-suffering look. “Detective, as overjoyed as I am that you finally know the truth about me and are okay with it, I must say that I’m coming to the realisation that your previous ignorance was in many ways bliss. You have been typically, annoyingly pragmatic about the whole Devil thing. We did your damn pincushion test, I lifted the back of your car, I exploded your spawn’s popcorn from across the room, but here is where I draw the line. I do not get chummy with CATS!”
Chloe had to admit Lucifer had been extremely forbearing when it came to her curiosity about him. They’d spent much of their spare time the previous weekend indulging it, after all. Most of her experimentation had been for entirely practical reasons, however, as there were certain things that she needed to know now that she knew the truth. For example, the first thing she’d tested was the perimeter of his vulnerability around her.
Their method hadn’t been particularly sophisticated; she’d simply set up Maze with a pin and a stopwatch while Chloe had sprinted off as fast as she could with Lucifer on the phone. She heard his mildly annoyed ‘ ow… ow… ow ’s until just under the half minute mark, when Maze’s barked ‘stop!’ had come across her earpiece. Distance wise they were looking at about the length of a football field, one hundred twenty yards or thereabouts. A hundred metre dash, just enough to start getting a stitch. So starting this week she’d added sprints to her workout routine, just in case.
And yes, she’d asked him to deadlift the back of her car to get an idea of his strength, and he’d done it despite complaining about her needing to wash it and the obligatory commentary about doing it from behind, tailpipes and being exhausted.
And the popcorn thing, well, that was just really cool, and fun; Trixie hadn’t had a clue!
Maybe she was asking too much of him now. But she couldn’t in good conscience ignore a possible lead, no matter how unconventional. And let’s face it, her investigative style had started leaning towards the unconventional from the moment they’d started working together. It was worth a shot.
“I’m not asking you to adopt the thing, just ask her a few questions. If it doesn’t work out that’s fine, I just want to make sure we cover all bases.” She gazed imploringly up at him. “Please? ”
Lucifer glared rebelliously at her for several long seconds, then found his resolve slipping. It was all the fault of those bewitching anime eyes of hers; it was so very hard to say no to her when she looked up at him like that. He noted distractedly that the gorgeous orbs in question were more green than blue today… probably due to the highly- modest- yet- still- astonishingly- sexy emerald silk shirt she was wearing. He forced those thoughts away and frowned, a decidedly unimpressed look on his face. But capitulated.
“Oh all right,” he harrumphed. Then added churlishly, “But this really is beyond the pale, Detective.”
“Thank you, Lucifer,” Chloe said with feeling, and a beautiful smile. Satan’s insides abruptly turned all warm and fluttery.
Chloe added, “Just let’s keep this between us, okay?” She glanced down at the cat. “And stay in here. It’s best we don’t let anyone get wind of what you’re doing.”
Lucifer shuddered and smoothed his jacket. “Don’t worry about that, Detective. The last thing I want is for people to find out about this.”
------------------------
“Where were you when your human was killed?”
Blink.
“Do you know who did it? Could you pick them out of a line-up?”
Yawn.
“Did your human fight with anyone? Did she have any enemies?”
Another blink, followed by an impudent ear flick.
He was asking all of the Detective’s boring questions but as expected, the cat was stonewalling him. Well, he’d said he’d try, and he’d tried. He turned to leave. Suddenly a plaintive little voice rose behind him.
Where did Mother go? Why wouldn’t she wake up?
Drat it. So close. He resignedly turned back to Josie and replied, “They took her away. And she isn’t asleep, I’m afraid, she’s dead. She isn’t going to wake up. She’s gone somewhere else.”
But I don’t want her to be gone, Josie replied peevishly.
“Well, that’s too bad. It’s just the way things are now.”
The cat grumbled softly and started sharpening her claws on the arm of the couch.
Lucifer sighed. He really didn’t need this witness to be any more hostile. He went on in a slightly more conciliatory tone, “Look, I’m sorry your human’s gone but there’s nothing I can do about it.”
The cat sat down on her haunches and flicked her tail primly around her feet again.
I want to go to where she is, she said firmly.
“That’s not up to me either. If she’s with Dad, try to be slightly less annoying and they might let you in when your time comes. Your… ‘mother’ will be happy to see you again, I’m sure.” Although I wouldn’t have the foggiest idea WHY, Lucifer thought.
He decided to give it one last shot for the Detective’s sake and said cajolingly, “So, will you answer my questions? We want to make sure the person who did this is caught and punished.”
Why?
“Because they deserve it.”
The cat looked unimpressed.
Lucifer added reluctantly, “If you do this for the Detective then I’m sure I can do something for you in return.”
Alright.
Lucifer waited expectantly. “Well, what do you want?”
I want Mother. The cat let out a long, mournful mrowwwwwwww . It set Lucifer’s teeth on edge.
“You really do have a one-track mind, don’t you?” he said impatiently. “Aside from that.”
Josie promptly scooted towards him, sniffing the air and leaning right over the edge of the couch, only by some unholy skill of feline levitation managing to not fall off.
I want to sit.
Lucifer gulped. “What, on me ?”
Yes.
Lucifer subconsciously backed up a step. No. Hell no.
“Uh, how about some yummy fresh tuna? Or… an entire salmon! With roe of course, only the best, as much as you like. Or how about a…a...” Lucifer cast around desperately trying to think of what else a cat might desire. “Some new toys, perhaps? A personal assistant? Your own apartment? Really, you could do much better!”
No. I want to sit. Josie meowed again, in an insistent and quite demanding fashion. Lucifer’s heart sank. The things I do for you, Detective, he huffed, thinking he’d really rather get shot again.
“Very well. If I must…” He gingerly sat down on the couch next to the cat, who was up in his lap like a shot. She then started walking in a circle kneading his thighs, stomach and crotch, the forward little hussy. A loud rumbling started up deep in her chest and she slow blinked up at him.
I like you. You’re really warm.
Lucifer sat rigidly with his hands by his sides, a look of resignation on his face. How long would he have to do this?
Josie looked up at him and miaowed. Pet me, she demanded.
Lucifer stared back at her. “I beg your pardon?”
Cuddle me. Mother always cuddles me when I sit.
“No! I’m not your mother, you hairy little extortionist!”
Josie’s plush black tail promptly swatted Lucifer in the face as she hopped off his lap and pointedly went to sit at the far end of the couch with her back to him.
Lucifer blinked in annoyance but couldn’t help also being a little impressed; his hellhounds would never dare try a power play like that. Outwardly sweet and harmless Josie was Machiavelli in disguise.
For fuck’s sake. He flung his head back, conceding defeat. “Argh! Very well, you devious little bugger. Come here.”
She leisurely licked herself a few times before deigning to return to his lap, pushing her head into his palm, then primping her cheek, neck and arched back along his hand. Then she turned around and did it again. Lucifer scritched her cheek as he’d seen Ella do and Josie started alternating pressing on him repeatedly with her paws again like she was kneading dough. What on Earth was she doing? He suddenly noticed she also had her claws out... on his fifth best Italian wool suit…!
“Hey! Stop that! You’re pulling the threads out!” he yelped.
Josie stopped, did a couple more rotations in his lap, then started up again in a different spot. Lucifer groaned. Another suit ruined. Dad damn it!
She also started sniffing and lightly licking his trousers and shirt, snuffling around like she was looking for something.
“What are you doing, cat?”
You smell nice. Tasty.
Lucifer frowned. Perhaps the furry little assassin had sniffed out his feathers. Talk about adding insult to insult, being mistaken for prey.
“Well, no biting. Try to take a chunk out of me and the deal’s off. Besides which you’ll be going through the window.”
Okay. Josie stretched languorously, then flopped down on her side across his lap.
Now that he’d resigned himself to doing it, petting the cat wasn’t completely awful. There was something about her soft warm fur and the deep purr emanating from her that was oddly calming, almost soporific, like the muted rumble of the Corvette’s engine. Then Lucifer glanced down at his leg and shuddered. Ugh, if only she’d stop drooling and shedding on me…
“So are you ready to talk?”
Yes.
“Right. As I was saying, where were you when your human was killed?”
Hiding in the hallway.
Lucifer groaned inwardly. Was all of this going to be for nothing?
Dreading the answer, he asked, “Did you happen to see who did it?”
Yes. Her human son.
Lucifer blinked. That was easy. “Sebastian?”
Yes.
“What happened?”
I was with Mother when he came to see her, and they talked, and he got very angry. He hit her with something and she fell down, and I ran away. He kept attacking her and screaming at her, and only stopped when Pudding jumped on him.
Lucifer stopped petting Josie, tilting his head in confusion. “I’m sorry, did you say ‘pudding jumped on him’?”
Yes. He’s my brother.
Lucifer rolled his eyes. Some other cat must be named ‘Pudding’. Because of course he was. “What did he do?”
Josie realised that Lucifer had stopped petting her. She got up and batted at his hand with her paw, then reared up and bunted his chin with her head. Lucifer flinched backwards in surprise.
Don’t stop, said Josie insistently.
Oh, for…! Lucifer made an irritated noise and pettishly resumed stroking her, and the cat settled contentedly back down on her haunches. When her rumbling purrs started up again he urged impatiently, “Well?”
Pudding jumped off the back of the couch onto Bas’ neck, then clawed him and bit him and told him to leave her alone. Bas stopped hitting Mother and started hitting Pudding instead, then threw him on the floor and kicked him into the garden.
Lucifer was speechless. A cat had defended a human? And quite ferociously, by the sounds of it.
“I see. And where is-” Lucifer stopped, flinching at a presence at his back. He turned in his seat and saw another three cats, two tortoiseshells and a colourpoint Burmese, walking along the top of the couch towards him, eyeing him with interest.
“Piss off,” he said crossly.
You smell nice, they chorused.
“Don’t even think about it.” Lucifer grabbed a nearby cushion and used it to push them off the couch. But a moment later they jumped back up again. He groaned in annoyance; it was times like this that he really missed his Devil face. He decided it would be best to just ignore them and get this over with as quickly as possible.
“Right,” he said, returning his attention to Josie, “Where’s this-”
“Lucifer!” A voice suddenly came from the doorway across the room. A human, male, and all-too familiar voice. The Douche.
Shit.
He turned to Dan with a forced casual air and in a clipped tone replied, “Yes?”
“What the Hell, man? You should be helping Chloe, not screwing around!”
Lucifer frowned, then scowled even more when he felt one of the cats behind him plant its paws between his shoulder blades and start kneading. He snapped impatiently, “Go away Daniel, I’m working!”
“Like Hell you are!” Dan seemed about to launch into a douchey tirade when they both heard Chloe call out from the other end of the house.
“Hey Dan? You got a minute?”
Dan threw Lucifer another pissy look. “Not cool.” But he thankfully left, no doubt to go and whinge to the Detective. Sending her a silent thanks for the backup Lucifer pushed back against the couch to dislodge the cat’s claws. The cat did get off him, but also booped him in the back of the head with its face, purring like an idling lawnmower. Lucifer growled deep in his chest and the cat backed off a little.
He turned back to Josie and asked doggedly, “So where’s this brother of yours now, then?”
I haven’t seen him since last night. He’s probably hiding in the garden. I think he’s hurt.
“Understood. Is there anything else- Judas Priest! ” Lucifer recoiled in horror as the long-haired Burmese brushed itself along the back of his head and a clump of cat hair settled on his face. Then when he tried to get it off, Josie realised that he’d again stopped patting her and as a mild reproach dug her claws lightly into his leg.
Don’t stop.
Lucifer gritted his teeth and carried on. Nearly done...
“Is there anything else you can tell me about what happened?”
Just that Bas threw some things around, broke the door, and went upstairs before he left.
Lucifer nodded in satisfaction. As per their theory, to make it look like a burglary. He abruptly stood up, unceremoniously tipping Josie off his lap.
“Annnd we’re done.”
Josie grumbled in protest, but Lucifer was already sidling away from her and heading for the door. He wiped his face, sputtering, trying to remove cat hairs from his mouth, but only succeeded in getting more in there. The infernal stuff was everywhere, it seemed to be bloody glued on!
Meanwhile, all four cats clustered around his ankles as he walked, seemingly trying to trip him up, and getting even more hair on his trousers.
I want a cuddle, they meowed piteously.
“No! Rack off!” Lucifer snapped, then ducked quickly out the side door into the garden, slamming the door in their faces.
------------------
Safely outside the door he breathed a sigh of relief. What an ordeal!
He tried for a full five minutes to get the fur off himself to no avail, so he finally gave up and dug out his silver tobacco case. Halfway through a calming cigarette he closed his eyes and reached out with his senses into the surrounding garden.
He soon located the cat hiding under a large glossy-leaved bush and wandered casually over, mindful of the uniforms who peppered the grounds.
After a few moments he whispered at the bush, “I know you’re in there, cat. Are you…” he rolled his eyes skyward and gave a long-suffering sigh. “...‘Pudding’?”
Distrustful growl. Who wants to know?
“I’m an... acquaintance of Josie’s,” Lucifer replied, ignoring the curious looks he was getting from the unis over by the driveway. He had a thought that an earpiece like the one that the Detective used would come in very handy right about now. He continued, pointedly not looking at the cat.
“Josie tells me you fought off Sebastian.” Lucifer blew a lungful of smoke into the air. “Good for you.”
Pudding hissed. I hate him.
Lucifer smiled. “Would you be interested in getting another pound of flesh?”
How?
The cat cautiously stepped out from under the bush; he was a big bugger. Orange and light grey for the most part, with green-gold eyes and a fluffy white ruff speckled with brown stains. There was a similar discolouration around his muzzle and forepaws - dried blood?
One ear had a large nick in it plus there was an old scar across his nose. And going by what Josie had said he could be nursing new bruises and possibly cracked ribs from Sebastian’s kicks. Lucifer felt a grudging respect for the cat; he was a scrapper, alright, and must’ve really given Sebastian what for.
He was about to ask him if he’d be willing to submit to Miss Lopez’ ministrations when the Detective came striding across the garden.
“Sorry about Dan, he got away from me for a second. Any luck with Josie?” She spotted the cat lurking beside the bush and looked hopefully up at Lucifer, then did a double take when she noticed the cat hair that liberally coated his dark jacket.
“What happened?”
Lucifer glared at her. “We made a deal.” He ground his cigarette under his shoe and tried, again unsuccessfully, to brush himself off, cursing under his breath. “It was a bloody nightmare but believe it or not your outrageous suggestion did produce another witness.” He pointed to the cat in the garden. “Detective, meet Pudding.” He muttered disgustedly under his breath, “Pudding, for goodness’ sake! If you’re going to name an orange cat after food at least ‘Marmalade’ makes a little more sense…”
Chloe looked down at the cat, then back up at her partner. “Okay, so did either of them give us a lead?”
“Better than that, they gave us the killer.”
Chloe blinked. “Really? Who was it?”
“The victim’s malevolent offspring.”
“Sebastian? I just talked to him. He arrived while you were interviewing the… um...witness.” She couldn’t say it; while you were interviewing the cat.
“What did he have to say for himself?” said Lucifer.
“Oh he was suitably upset, said he hadn’t seen his mother for over a week, he couldn’t believe this was happening, the usual.”
Lucifer tutted disapprovingly. “The big fibber. Did you happen to notice any scratches on his neck?”
“I did actually. Pretty nasty-looking. He said they were from rose bushes.”
“Rubbish,” Lucifer declared, then indicated Pudding with a flourish. “Pudding here fought him off. By the look of him it was quite a bloodbath.”
Chloe looked down at the cat, who despite his bloodied state was gazing placidly around the garden.
“Nice. I’ll get Ella on it.” The lab tech tested fingernail scrapings and blood spatter for DNA evidence all the time; so what if it was from a cat?
Lucifer added, “He might need a vet as well. I’m told Sebastard kicked him.” He pulled out his flask and took a sip. “So do we have a motive? What was he so pissed off at his mum for?”
“When I spoke to her lawyer earlier he mentioned he’d got an email from Tara last week saying she wanted to update her will. She was thinking about leaving the bulk of her estate to… get this… a cat sanctuary in Atwater Village.”
Lucifer nodded knowingly. “That’d do it. So Sebastian believed he was about to get shafted. By cats, no less.”
Chloe nodded. “Maybe if you mojo him he’ll let something slip.”
Lucifer made a doubtful noise. “Asking him what he desires won’t do any good; he’s got it. He’s hardly going to admit to anything now.”
“Well, his blood on the cat would tie him to the scene, but there’s no way of proving the scratches happened during the murder.”
Lucifer’s head tilted thoughtfully. “He doesn’t know that.”
“True,” Chloe replied. “And the freshness of the injuries coupled with him lying about seeing his mom should help us get warrants for his house and car. But they won’t come through until tomorrow.”
“Excellent.” Lucifer abruptly clapped his hands together and turned to go. “In that case Detective, if you don’t need me anymore I’ll be off.”
Chloe fell into step beside him as he started hurrying toward the Corvette parked at the end of the driveway. She had to double time it to keep up with him.
“What’s the emergency?”
“I require an immediate shower and a change of clothes.”
Chloe shook her head at his fussiness. “It’s no biggie, let me get a damp cloth or some sticky tape and I’ll get the hair off. It’s the least I can do after you took one for the team. You don’t need to take a shower.”
Lucifer gave her a wounded look. “I most certainly DO, Detective, Josie drooled on me!”
Chloe shrugged. “So what if you got a bit of cat slobber on you? You’ve had heaps worse.”
Lucifer was poised to retort but suddenly sensed something behind them. He threw a quick glance backwards and blanched. “Oh bloody Hell…”
They’d found him.
He quickened his pace until he was practically sprinting the last dozen yards to the car, and Chloe and the other cops at the scene were taken aback to see several cats including Josie chasing after their consultant like he was the Pied Piper of Hamelin. They reached their target and circled his ankles, weaving between his legs and meowing insistently.
I want a cuddle. Give me a cuddle.
“Oh for goodness’ sake!” Lucifer said in exasperation, trying to maneuver around them so they couldn’t get any more hair on his trousers. “Will you furry little bastards leave me alone! ”
Ella stopped beside Chloe and watched the goings-on in bemusement. “What’s going on?”
Chloe unsuccessfully stifled a giggle. “Lucifer’s made some new friends.”
Ella just stared. The cats were going nuts. What the-?
Meanwhile, Lucifer had managed to reach the Corvette, and he flapped impatiently at the felines milling around him. “Bugger off! This was not part of the deal!”
In too much of a hurry to even open the door, he sat on the side of the car and swung his long legs in, dropping smoothly into the driver’s seat. The cats promptly hopped up and over into the bucket seat beside him, all clamouring to sit in his lap.
He used his elbows to fend them off. “Get out of my car!” he blustered. “You’ll scratch the upholstery!”
Lucifer gingerly picked up the Burmese and dropped it out of the car. “Out! ” It jumped straight back up. Lucifer gave up and groped in his pocket for his keys. “Rack off, the lot of you, before I peel out of here with you all wedged in my tyres!”
Dan walked up to stand beside Ella and Chloe as well, a mystified look on his face.
“What-”
There was a sudden ear-shattering roar as Lucifer revved the Corvette’s V8 to redline. As one, the cats all exploded from the car, fur standing on end, and scattered to every corner of the garden like furry shrapnel. A moment later gravel spat from under the tyres and the car roared away down the driveway towards the gates in a cloud of dust.
Once Lucifer was safely out of sight Chloe bent over, hands on her knees, laughing so hard she had tears coming out of her eyes. She tried valiantly not to, but she just couldn’t help it. The Lord of Hell had been sent packing not by homicidal snipers, bombers or knife-wielding lunatics, but a posse of overly affectionate kitties. She wheezed for breath and tried to stifle her mirth but succeeded only in making loud snorting noises.
Meanwhile, Ella and Dan just looked at each other. What had just happened?
Dan shrugged and headed back into the house while Ella watched Chloe, laughing fit to bust at yet another inexplicable Lucifer moment. Chloe really can’t see how weird that was?
By the time most of the dust from Lucifer’s departure had settled Chloe had finally gotten herself under control. “Oh, jeez. Sorry Lucifer. Oh my God, I am so gonna pay for that.” She’d try to make it up to him somehow, but she had a feeling even a year’s worth of dinners wasn’t going to cut it. But then again, a little harmless payback after all the shit he’d put her through over the past couple of months did feel kinda satisfying.
She looked over at Ella, who was staring thoughtfully into space. Then the lab tech turned to her and pondered aloud, “Ever consider the possibility that Lucifer is an alien?”
Chloe covered her astonishment with a slightly too-loud chuckle and answered jokingly, “Well, he definitely isn’t from around here, and you know how the current administration feels about immigrants…”
Ella didn’t notice her discomfiture. “Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s awesome to work with someone who’s even weirder than you are which believe me is no easy thing, but I just wonder what it takes to really get to know the guy. You know, to get past all the devil persona and the mentalist stuff. And he can even charm cats. He told me he hated them. Does he, like, keep catnip in his pockets or something?”
“Well he smokes everything else, I wouldn’t be surprised,” said Chloe dryly.
Ella gave a distracted little huff of amusement, but turned to gaze down the driveway, her expression thoughtful.
Chloe wondered if maybe she should try to derail this train of thought. Or maybe just ignore it. Or tease Ella? What would Lucifer do? Actually... that was not helpful.
“What else is there to know? He’s… just… Lucifer. Zero filter, zero inhibitions, a live- and- let- live kinda guy unless somebody gets hurt. Then he’s all about making sure justice gets served. It’s why he works with us.”
Ella laughingly replied, “God only knows why that guy does any of the things he does, Decker.”
Chloe hummed vaguely. True. Though I’m not sure even Lucifer knows sometimes, never mind his dad.
“That’s just him," she said. "He sees things differently to most people and keeps a lot of things to himself. But he’s always been totally honest with us about who he is.”
Ella rolled her eyes at her. “Come on dude. He tells everybody he’s Satan!”
“I mean just how he is. The person he is, even if he insists on the whole Devil thing. Even taking into consideration the sometimes sketchy stuff he’s into; he always does what he feels is right. And he’s honest.”
Chloe smiled fondly and shook her head, then kept on talking, seemingly thinking out loud. “And really sweet. ...Insensitive, damaged, completely clueless about feelings, half the time totally selfish and the other half totally self less, obsessive, passionate, prone to running headfirst into things, always so damn sure he’s right and never just friggin’ listening for once…” Chloe realised she was rambling and stopped, to see Ella watching her intently.
Ella said slowly, “Did… something happen between you two?”
Chloe mentally shook herself. “Huh? No…? No. ‘Course not.” But even she heard the uncertainty in her voice, and inevitably, Ella pounced, a huge smile on her face.
“It totally did! Oh my God! What happened?!” Then she sobered. “Don’t tell me; it happened after I left on Friday night, didn’t it?” She made an exasperated noise and smacked herself in the forehead. “ Dammit! I can’t believe I missed it…”
Chloe had a sudden idea and bit her lip to keep a straight face. “It’s no big deal, we just slept together, that’s all.”
Ella practically screamed. “What!? ”
At Ella’s reaction Chloe’s poker face dissolved into giggles and she relented, hurriedly shaking her head. “I’m kidding! I mean we literally slept slept together. Shared a bed. That’s it. Nothing happened, we just… cleared the air a bit. So hopefully he’ll be a little less secretive from now on.”
“Oh,” Ella replied, then laughed and whacked Chloe in the arm. “Damn girl you really got me!”
Chloe chuckled evilly. It seemed Lucifer was rubbing off on her more and more these days.
“So has he actually told you the truth about who he used to be?”
Chloe chose her words carefully. “Lucifer’s always been honest with me about the kind of person he is, and his past.”
Ella eyed her. “Did he happen to confess to being James Bond in a former life?”
Chloe laughed. “No.”
Ella frowned thoughtfully. “Huh. That would’ve been my bet.” She threw Chloe a hopeful look. “Anything that you can tell your best girl bud?”
Chloe reached out and patted Ella sympathetically on the arm. “Nothing that he hasn’t already told you, sorry.”
Ella’s groaned theatrically, then giggled. “He drives me nuts. I wanna know so bad! I’m glad he finally opened up to you, though.”
Chloe smiled happily back at her. “Me too.”