Chapter Text
Two years.
Michael hadn’t had a proper conversation with Jeremy in like two years. (Closer to 20 months if you were counting, he tried not to.) Sure, they went to each other’s grad parties, they saw each other at prom, they sent texts for holidays and birthdays but.. It wasn’t the same. If he found out anything new about Jeremy it came from social media - his snap story, his private twitter, his instagram. They didn’t talk beyond occasionally sliding up on each other’s stories.
At first it really bothered him. A lot. Of course it did, when you’re that close to someone it’s hard to let go.
It’s still hard sometimes.
But he was working on it. That and a computer science degree. And a part time job. Ugh.
richie rich (8:22 pm): mikeyyyyyyyy bitchhhh
mikey mike (8:25 pm): richieeeeeeeeeeeeeee
richie rich (8:27 pm): totally weird, but
richie rich (8:27 pm): would u know if somethings going on w jer?
mikey mike (8:28 pm): heere? no
mikey mike (8:28 pm): ur like the only person i really talk to outside of my cs classes
It was true, really. At some point as their junior year of high school was wrapping up Rich and Michael found themselves intertwined. It was definitely not as intense as he had known Jeremy but.. it was good. Michael set up boundaries and Rich respected them. They tried prom and.. it didn’t quite work. They liked each other but neither was really ready for any sort of serious relationship. They had their fair share of makeouts in Michael’s cruiser or basement but at the end of the day it just didn’t work. They were fine with that.
richie rich (8:29 pm): he just like messaged ne
richie rich (8:29 pm): ne
richie rich (8:29 pm): ME
mikey mike (8:29 pm): ne
richie rich (8:30 pm): en eeee ways
richie rich (8:31 pm): it was just weird like he asked how i was and how you were
mikey mike (8:32 pm): hm
mikey mike (8:32 pm): if hes so curious why didnt he text me
richie rich (8:33 pm): hes prolly kinda scared to talk to u dude
richie rich (8:34 pm): i mean. know. a. fence. but u did kinda freak on him at prom
richie rich (8:37 pm): not that u were wrong u know i dont blame you
Right, junior prom.
He didn’t remember it too much, really he tried to actively forget. It wasn’t one of his finest moments. But by that point Jeremy’s fucking voice felt like someone was taking a cheese grater to his brain and he just couldn’t help it.
“What are you trying to say?” Michael couldn’t keep the bite out of his voice, pretending that he didn’t notice the way Jeremy winced.
“I m-mean.. I just don’t get why you wouldn’t tell me.” The stutter crept into Jeremy’s words, obvious evidence that this really was bothering him, that for some reason this was some serious issue.
“Why should I? I don’t owe you that.” With a huff Michael turned his attention back to his joint. Rich hated smoke and Christine wasn’t one for any sort of drug so despite any awkwardness Michael and Jeremy headed out to his car for a smoke (neither of them really liked crowds). “It’s not even like we hid it. You all know.”
“S-Sure,” Jeremy mumbled, dropping his gaze to his shoes before taking a drag off his own joint. “I just thought.. I thought you’d tell me.”
“I’m allowed to.. see people, Jer.”
“Shit! I’m not.. I know that, Michael. I don’t mean to..” A hand moved to brush hair from his eyes, fingers twitching nervously. “I just thought.. we..”
“We what?” It came out harsh, he couldn’t tell if it was purposeful.
“You know! W-We.. I thought we were..”
“We’re not.. really friends, Jeremy.” There was a beat as Michael took another long drag, avoiding making eye contact. He knew exactly what face Jeremy would be making, it would just be harder if he really saw it. “At least not like before.”
“S-Still,” it came out sounding so small and it took everything for Michael to not just take it back, “we’ve been through.. so much, I..”
“We? What have we been through?” Michael kicked at the pavement, scattering some stones. “I won’t try and tell you that you haven’t been through shit. Trust me, I know. But fuck dude. We all went through shit. And you put me through shit.”
“So did R-Rich!”
“And guess what,” with one last drag Michael was finishing the joint, putting it out, “he fucking owns up. He’s done a lot of shit to try and make things right. It’s a hell of a lot easier to forgive someone when they’re not making you feel like shit for being hurt!”
“I don’t want you to f-feel like shit!”
“Really?” Michael shoved his hands in his pockets, turning his body further away, “wouldn’t have guessed it. Not only did you choose to say that shit to me after you said that the squip was off.. now after it’s fucking long gone, because of me mind you, you still hide behind it. You ditched me for Christine and no matter how good of a person she is that doesn’t make it okay. I don’t know if you haven’t noticed, lover boy, you haven't been trying at all!”
“What am I supposed to do?” Jeremy was putting his own joint out now, voice going shrill until he cringed from the sound.
“Anything!” Michael could have laughed, now throwing his hands up in the air. “You don’t do shit! This is the first time we’ve spoken in like two weeks.”
“Well I’m s-sorry but.. that’s not fair.”
“Nothing is, Jer.” There was a defeated sigh and Michael just started heading back towards the building. “But I’m not going to sit around and fucking wait for you anymore.”
mikey mike (8:52 pm): it wasnt that bad
richie rich (8:55 pm): dude its fine i wasnt there i dont know what happened
richie rich (8:55 pm): im just saying he was upset
mikey mike (8:56 pm): so was i
richie rich (8:56 pm): mikey
mikey mike (8:57 pm): i know
He knew. He had to keep telling himself that. Here he was, finishing his first semester in college, he couldn’t keep thinking about his junior year prom. Couldn’t keep getting defensive over it. Why was he defensive? People believed him, people believed in his anger. There was no reason to question himself, no reason to feel.. guilty?
Did he feel guilty?
Yes and no.
Part of him did, part of him probably always would. But his therapist had been teaching him that he had a right to his hurt, a right to his anger, so he kept that in mind too. Maybe he wanted it to go differently, maybe he didn’t. It was just weird. He had already lost Jeremy, in a sense, when he lost him to the squip. He didn’t really see junior prom as losing him but.. it was weird.
He wanted Jeremy to feel bad.
But didn’t he? Feel bad, that is, Michael saw how he looked when he passed by in the halls.
It didn’t matter if he kept it to himself, that’s what he tried to tell himself. If Jeremy really felt bad about what he did then he would have made an effort. And he didn’t. He just threw himself into a relationship and made it his entire personality until it inevitably ended when they graduated high school. One part growing up, one part distance, and one part just not being too sure that it was working.. Michael bit back an ‘I called it’ when Rich told him about it. Christine didn’t deserve that at the very least.
Jeremy didn’t deserve that either.
It was weird to admit but it was nagging in the back of his brain. His moms would tell him that he was just too nice for his own good - even if he and Jeremy never spoke again he.. wanted him to be okay. How couldn’t he? Sure, he’d hide behind his hurt to everyone (even his therapist) but when he was alone he let his mind wander. He wanted Jeremy to be okay. After everything he’d seen him through.. from his mom to his mental health.. At the end of the day he couldn’t actively wish hurt upon him anymore - really he hadn’t been able to since senior year.
That was enough self reflection for one night.
Finals week really wasn’t the time for this.
richie rich (2:56 pm): pleaseee tell me youll be back in town soon
mikey mike (2:58 pm): i told u my moms said you could stay w us for winter break
richie rich (2:58 pm): ugh
mikey mike (2:59 pm): i know
mikey mike (3:01 pm): ill be back up tomorrow we can get lunch
They did. Get lunch, that is.
Campus was pretty empty and Michael knew he wasn’t appreciating it enough, in less than two weeks the sidewalks would be flooded with people again. Great.
“I wish we just got an apartment together, man.” Rich shoved his hands into his pockets while he waited for Michael to open up the door to his complex, wishing he still had his burrito from lunch. It was warm, and good, sue him.
“You like your dorm, though.”
“Yeah but.. it’s like a hassle because you gotta live on their terms, I had to do a whole thing so I didn’t have to go home for break.” It was nice to hear Rich embracing his lisp now, he stopped trying so hard to avoid any word with an ‘s’.
“Dude, love ya, no offense but.. I really like living alone, I think.”
“Hey, as long as you’re still getting out.”
“I’ve been fine!”
For once, it was the truth. Therapy was good, meds were good, his friendships were good.
“I know, I’m glad.” The grin on Rich’s face made his shoulders relax as he finally got them inside of his apartment. It was cold, a little dark, and it could be cleaner but.. it was his place. And that made him happy.
“Do you think he’s gonna text me?” Michael passed the bong to Rich, mirroring his surprised expression. Where did that come from?
“Heere?” Rich raised an eyebrow, leaning over to take a hit while Michael nodded.
“Yeah..I mean, he texted you.” There was a bit of defensiveness creeping into his voice and he rubbed his palms over his thighs.
“Do you want him to?”
Did he?
Rich’s gaze seemed to burn into the side of Michael’s head as he took the bong back, taking twice as long to take a hit. Buying himself time.
“I don’t know. It’s just.. sometimes I miss him, I think?” There was a shrug, he set the bong down on the table. “I know it’ll never be like.. before the squip again but.. I miss the general idea of what we had before that. Besides, he was.. fun. I liked being around him.”
“You know.. that’s fine.” Rich leaned forward to take back the bong from where Michael set it. “You’re allowed to miss that. Shit like that is why Jake and I started talking again. Different shit but.. similar.”
“Yeah.. yeah.” A look of thoughtfulness crossed Michael’s face, he fumbled with the distressing on the knee of his jeans.
“You.. can text him. If you want.”
“Maybe.”
He brought it up, why was he suddenly so anxious?
He couldn’t tell if he was scared to talk to Jeremy or if he was scared Jeremy wouldn’t want to talk to him.
Since when did he care about Jeremy’s opinion? (Well, since always.) It was different now though.. Ever since Rich had brought Jeremy up a few weeks ago he found himself thinking about it at different times. Maybe he wanted a real apology, maybe he just wanted to know if Jeremy was okay. When he caved and mentioned it to his therapist she suggested that maybe he should try it, if not just to get some closure. She’d reminded him of all the work they’d done, of how far he’d come. Michael Mell wasn’t the anxiety-riddled kid anymore (he was an anxiety-riddled adult, hah) who was beyond dependent on his only friend. He was his own person now, finally separating himself from being ‘player 1’. He wasn’t Michael Mell, Jeremy’s friend. He was just Michael Mell. Maybe.. maybe this time he could be Michael Mell and Jeremy’s friend.
“I fucking.. miss him, man.” A choked laugh came from Michael’s throat and Rich took it in stride - since Halloween junior year it became apparent that things bothered him more than he let on. For years he assured himself he was fine being a loser but.. now it hurt. It all came crashing down and Rich was there, they were there for each other. If anything, Michael felt better being able to let the joking facade dissipate.
“I know. That’s what I’m saying, dude,” Rich spoke softly, leaning back against the futon and letting a hand settle on Michael’s knee. “I missed Jake too so.. I reached out. It worked!”
“We’ll see man.”
mikey mike (11:23 pm): richard
mikey mike (11:23 pm): richard
richie rich (11:24 pm): im fine mikey it wasnt my dorm
mikey mike (11:24 pm): i know i know where you live rich thats not what im asking
mikey mike (11:24 pm): but im beyond fucking relieved that you are not dealing with this
richie rich (11:25 pm): oh
richie rich (11:25 pm): fuck fuck yeah
richie rich (11:25 pm): thats his building
There wasn’t anything else Michael could say to that. He closed out the messages and scrolled through his university email again. A fire. A fire in a dorm. Part of him felt bad that he was glad that it wasn’t Rich’s dorm.. because it was Jeremy’s. Beyond knowing that Jeremy was attending the same school as both him and Rich he had very limited knowledge. But now Rich had given him confirmation, it was Jeremy’s dorm. Michael just hoped he wasn’t on the top floor.
The next few hours were hell - it had been a while since Michael had felt like this, since time felt like this.. so fucking slow. He wasn’t in the most eloquent of mindsets.
Rich had offered his company but Michael wouldn’t have been able to deal with the guilt of asking him to walk across campus to give him some company over a panic attack. A panic attack he didn’t even want to admit he was having. The sentiment was nice though, it helped. Even if only a little. The texts faded off and Rich wished Michael a good night before taking probably a bit more melatonin than he should, and he recommended the same to Michael. Instead of prying Rich cut him some slack, accepting the unconvincing promise that he’d go to sleep.
After bouncing between apps for a few hours he found himself back on snapchat, there were a few posts on stories from people from high school, completely unrelated. There were a few more from some of the people he’d met in classes, some were freaking out, posting a far off picture of what was going on, or saying they were safe. He tried not to look at the pictures too long - groups of kids outside in pajamas, fire trucks, the fire. Another story caught his eye, Jerebear. He’d never changed the name back. Clicking on it he let out a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding. A blurry picture, showing off his lack of shoes on pavement outside, a simple “im safe”. It was from just over an hour ago. Some of the tension left his body.
Some.
jeremy (2:01 am): michael hry are you awakr?
jeremy (2:01 am): sorry i knwo its late
michael (2:02 am): jer? yeah
jeremy (2:03 am): im outside your aparment bulding
michael (2:04 am): howd you find my address?
michael (2:04 am): right not the time nevermind
The hallway was quiet and the walk to the front door felt twice as long. His steps echoed.. it felt uncomfortable. As he approached the door he felt his tenseness growing, outside of pictures he hadn’t seen Jeremy since the summer, maybe one fleeting glance on campus. While it hadn’t really been that long he couldn’t help but wonder if he’d look different. He paused in front of the door, letting a beat pass before he moved for the knob, slowly pulling it open. There was his answer; Jeremy looked.. exhausted, of course he did. He seemed to have found shoes and had a cardigan pulled tight around his body, the same one from high school with the stretched out sleeves. He needed a haircut, the hair flopped over his forehead, greasy from sweat.
Michael felt arms around his middle and he smelled smoke in Jeremy’s hair, on his skin.
“I d-didn’t know where to go. My dad c-called but.. I told him I had a p-place, I don’t think I can go h-home because I n-need to be here that house h-has so many memories. I can l-leave but I just.. didn’t know wh-who else I could trust o-or.. yeah.” That was Jeremy, shaky fingers curling into the fabric of Michael’s shirt, mouth running a mile a minute, tripping over his stutter.
Wait - trust?
Jeremy trusted him.
“Dude, it’s alright. Let’s go inside, it’s cold as fuck. Did you walk here?” He winced, hoping he wasn’t being too overwhelming, slipping out of Jeremy’s arms and putting an arm around his shoulders. For now he could just bring him inside and get him in the shower. The smell of smoke was making him sick.
“Y-Yeah, it’s fine.. I didn’t r-really have another choice.” He must have thought that sounded a little backhanded because he was tensing up and fiddling with his sleeves. “Really, it’s f-fine, the fact you’re letting me st-stay at all is.. I, thanks.”