Once We Closed That Difference

by todaslasmadrugadas

Summary:

Renji has made peace with the fact that the love of his life is in love with his best friend. He's fine with it.

Really, he is. He totally is.

Notes:

Warning: this fic is 100% Renruki. If you're looking for Ichiruki, this fic is NOT for you.

With that out of the way, hello there!

Quarantine boredom inspired me to watch the Bleach anime, and it's been the highlight of my year. This fic is the product of the Renruki frenzy said watching has sent me into (reader, I'd die for them).

Title from the Catfish and the Bottlemen song "Longshot" (that I personally think suits them perfectly).

I hope you enjoy this silly little fic. I surely enjoyed writing it!

He had known from the moment he laid eyes on Rukia again, on that fateful evening he considers among the worst nights of his life.

Hell, he might have known even before that, from the moment Kuchiki Byakuya had informed him, with the tone a normal person uses to comment on the weather, that they were to arrest his sister for transferring her powers to a human.

He didn’t believe him then; he was certain it was all a big misunderstanding that would be cleared up as soon as they found her in the human world.

He didn’t believe him, until he saw her; 

Until he saw the look of complete, utter resignation in her eyes when she faced them. A look as cold as ice; a look that didn’t shift until he appeared, that funny-lookin’ kid with shinigami robes and a comically large zanpakuto, and then, all at once, a storm of emotions gave life to her face.

The thing that made him lose his mind, Renji remembers, was not that she had committed a great crime, it was not that she disrespected her powers so much as to give them to a mere nobody; it was the fact that there wasn’t a single trace of worry about herself in her eyes. The only thing she cared about was him.

Renji will always remember, for as long as he lives, the way her delicate throat felt when he squeezed it with his big hands; the thud that resonated as he smashed her body against the pole; he’ll never forget the sight of the angry red marks he left on her neck.

He was desperate, so desperate to knock some sense into her, to make her snap out of whatever stupor that orange haired kid had rendered her in, that he’d lost control of himself.

Renji has been cut up, has bled to the point of near-death more times than he can count, but that memory is more painful to him than the feeling of Senbonzakura’s countless tiny blades piercing through his skin.

When he fell to his knees and begged for Rukia’s forgiveness, shortly after Aizen’s ascent that left Soul Society scrambling to pull itself together, she called him a fool. Why was he even apologizing? He had an order, a mission to complete. To beat himself up over the wounds he inflicted on her on a battlefield was an affront to her as a soldier and a warrior. 

All the same, Renji vows never to let that memory fade. 

Part of the reason for it is self-punishment, but mostly, it’s to remind himself not to ever, ever take what he has now for granted.

It took one stubborn idiot with a reiatsu that had no business being so freakin’ huge crashin’ into Seireitei with his high school classmates like they were on some kind of school trip to snap Renji out of it, to make him realise that his rage and indignation and jealousy had blinded him so much that he was about to unwillingly let the most important person in his life die .

Said orange-haired idiot had managed to single-handedly fix everything he’d fucked up, destroy a ridiculously powerful flaming chicken of death, save Rukia, and, in some miraculous way, also restore Rukia and Renji’s relationship. And if he got cut up trying to stop that bastard Aizen from laying his filthy hands on her, well, it was what he deserved.

He deserved to be stabbed a thousand, a million more times, and he still wouldn’t atone for what he did.

If there is one thing he knows better than his own name, it’s that he doesn’t deserve Kuchiki Rukia’s friendship, her affection, anything at all.

Still, he can’t help being selfish.

The forty years he spent apart from Rukia were a dull, monotonous gray. A constant struggle of training, trying to get stronger, trying to prove everyone that the dog from Inuzuri deserved to rise through the ranks. There was little pleasure in his life. Little joy of companionship. Izuru and Momo, and later on Ikkaku, Yumichika and the rest of the lieutenants, were good friends, but he was too busy mourning the loss of the one person that knew him better than he knew himself sometimes. 

Now that he’s got her back, everything is in vibrant colors. For once, the sky’s not threatening to fall on their heads, and that allows him to take a step back and realise that he and Rukia made it.

The peace and quiet also allows him to spend time with her again, outside a mission, outside a battlefield. Everyone knows, by now, that when they’re not working, Rukia and Renji are probably together.

It’s just like old times. And it’s nothing like old times. 

And Renji’s in love with her all over again.

He never stopped, really; but all those years of distance dulled his memories, and he forgot, just a little bit, what it was like to love Rukia as a person, and not as a memory.

Now, it’s all come back at full force.

Her delicate presence next to him, when she tries her best to pass unnoticed, to attract as little attention to her person as possible; her larger-than life, magnetic energy, whenever she gets really passionate about something; her cold, elegant composure while doing her duties as a member of the Kuchiki clan; her cussing like a sailor while she drinks cheap sake with him at some rathole bar; her petit, small frame, completely deceptive of the power that lies within; her cold hands, impatiently tugging him along to one place or other; her warm laughter, when she’s having fun.

Renji is intoxicated, completely enthralled by these contradictions. He will never get enough of Rukia. She’s his favourite person, the best thing that’s happened to him.

She’s the love of his life.

And she’s in love with someone else.

Someone kind, and caring, and brave, and a hundred times more deserving of her than he’ll ever be.

And that’s why, even though his heart breaks a little every time he sees Rukia look at him with that gaze she reserves for him only, every time he hears her call his name in that soft tone, every time he sees her whole stance become more alert, more lively when she meets him, Renji can’t be mad at Ichigo.

Ever since the moment he begged him, humiliated and bleeding half to death, to save Rukia, he made peace with it all.

Besides, the stubborn idiot’s managed to win him over too, to the point where he considers him his closest friend, besides Rukia of course.

He wants to see both of them happy, and being Rukia’s best friend, hell, being any part of Rukia’s life is more than enough, more than he will ever deserve.

Except now, Ichigo is gone.

Well, he’s not actually gone , they know exactly where he is, but his powers are gone. And with them, his connection to Soul Society, his connection to Rukia, is also gone.

And Renji sees, every day, how much Rukia misses him.

He sees it in the way she’s tried to keep herself busy. She threw herself into preparation for her lieutenant’s exam with vigor; she let it take up most of her time, practicing kidou spells and sword techniques for hours and hours, and Renji recognized in it the same force that drove him to train endlessly when he’d lost her. The determination to do something, anything, to distract yourself from thinking, from remembering.

To distract yourself from the gaping wound their absence has left.

Of course, Renji misses Ichigo too, an awful lot. He half-expects him to barge into Soul Society any day now, Zangetsu in hand, and demand their assistance with a new megalomaniac with a god complex threatening Karakura town.

But everything’s been peaceful ever since Aizen was defeated, and Ichigo isn’t a shinigami anymore. And though Renji’d love to back him up in a fight again, that’s not even what he misses the most.

What he misses the most is his companionship, the petty bickering they’d engage in, the quiet, effortless understanding between the two of them and Rukia.

But if he knows that idiot as well as he thinks he does, he knows they’ll meet again someday.

He just hopes it comes sooner rather than later.

***

To the surprise of no one, Rukia aces her exam.

Renji is the first person who finds out. They meet halfway, him running towards the 13th barracks to ask how it went, and her towards the 6th to tell him.

“I passed!” she announces, her eyes bright and full of wonder, like she doesn’t quite believe it yet.

“Congratulations, lieutenant Kuchiki!” he exclaims and lifts her mid-air for a bone-crushing hug that lasts much longer than it has business to.

“Fool! Let me down! You’ll suffocate me!” Rukia scolds and Renji complies.

“As if. You’re tough as nails. I couldn’t crush you if I tried,” he gives her a playful shove and she scoffs in mock annoyance, but fails to suppress her smile.

“Lieutenant Kuchiki Rukia. Has a nice ring to it, wouldn’t you say?” she asks him.

“Not as good as captain Kuchiki Rukia, but it’ll have to do for now,” he teases, and she swats his arm in indignation, as she’s just heard the most ridiculous thing.

***

“Is something the matter, lieutenant Abarai? You’ve been grinning like a madman ever since you arrived. Frankly, it’s quite disturbing.”

Renji lifts his head from the paperwork to face Byakuya. He suspects the man has guessed the reason for his excitement, and he knows that Rukia wants to formally break the news to her brother tonight, but he can’t help himself.

“Apologies, sir! It’s just that Rukia passed her exams with flying colours today! She’s going to become a lieutenant!”

Byakuya’s face is a perfect picture of apathy.

“I am already aware, lieutenant. Besides, I do not see why this event would cause you such emotion. It is her duty to honor the Kuchiki name in such a manner. Carry on with your paperwork.”

If Renji didn’t know Byakuya as well as he does, the gleam of pride in his eyes would have escaped him. As it is, he can’t help but smile knowingly.

And to think that this man once arranged it so that Rukia couldn’t be awarded any rank.

Once again, he marvels at how Kurosaki Ichigo has changed Soul Society in many ways, but nothing and no-one more profoundly than the man standing before him.

***

“You fucking idiot! You just had to run that big mouth of yours, didn’t you?”

“Ow, stop hitting me! Your fists may be small but they’re carryin’ a hell of a punch!”

“Well, you should have thought of that before spilling the news to nii-sama! I wanted to tell him myself!”

“I’m sorry! Ow! Stop it already!” he grabs her small hands mid-air and she thrashes, trying to break them free, but in a contest of pure physical strength, she’s no match for him. “Would you calm down for a minute? He already knew! I swear, that man knows everything a second after it happens. They must’ve informed him before even telling you!”

Rukia’s expression softens and she stops resisting. Renji lets go of her hands. “Oh. Yes, of course they did. I was being foolish. It’s just that… I wanted to be the first to tell him. I wanted to see how he’d react when he found out,” she murmurs, disenhearted. 

Renji eyes her affectionately. He knows just how much Byakuya and his opinion mean to her, and, well, he can relate. One cryptic phrase that you’d have to struggle to identify as a compliment from the mouth of Byakuya is worth to him more than all the praises in the Gotei 13.

“He was real proud of you, Rukia. He always is.”

He relishes the expression of reluctant joy her face assumes. “Really?” she asks.

“Of course! Did you expect anything else? Anyway, enough about my boss on our night out! Look at you, with your lieutenant’s badge and all, going to your first lieutenants’ gathering!” he gestures at her left arm.

“There was no need for all of you to gather on account of me,” she remarks, her gaze lowered.

“Nonsense! It’s a long-standing tradition to welcome every newly appointed lieutenant with a night of drinking and debauchery! And besides! It’s a great opportunity to get to know everyone. They’re all great, you’ll see!”

“I have no doubt about that. I’m just nervous, is all.”

“About what? Everybody’s gonna love you,” how could they not? is the part of the sentence he doesn’t voice out loud.

When they enter the bar, everyone’s already there. Even Sasakibe, who normally refrains from partaking in such activities is sitting at the edge of the table with a polite smile.

Well. There are some absences, of course. As usual there’s no Yachiru, who’s only a child, and no Oomaeda, who thinks he’s too good to come to these things, and no Kurotsuchi Nemuri, who is... Renji doesn’t know what Kurotsuchi Nemu is.

The lieutenants immediately cheer and swarm Rukia with congratulations.

“Rukia! I’m so happy for you!” An already half-drunk Matsumoto smothers Rukia’s face in her abnormally large set of breasts.

“Well done, Kuchiki!” Hisagi pats her in the back once she manages to escape. Izuru, Momo and Isane shake her hand.

By the time everyone settles back in their seats, Rukia is blushing from head to toe, clearly not used to being the center of attention and a little overwhelmed. When they sit down, Renji squeezes her hand encouragingly. She relaxes a little and shoots him a grateful half-smile.

After inquiring about the examination process and her scores -everyone murmurs in admiration when they hear them and Renji puffs in pride as if he’s the one who achieved them-, they ask about the initiation. There’s no official ceremony for lieutenants, but most captains like to acknowledge the occasion in their own way. Rukia tells them that captain Ukitake offered her a bouquet of wild daisies he had picked himself, and that when the time came to fasten the badge on her arm, he was so emotional that he fell into a coughing fit and had to cool down for a moment before he could do it.

Renji is a little jealous. When he was appointed lieutenant, all Byakuya did was wordlessly point to his desk, where his badge was sitting on top of a huge pile of paperwork.

The topic shifts after that, to Momo recounting the odd little quirks Hirako Shinji has, that she finds adorable, in contrast with Izuru, who is sick and tired of his captain’s musical discoveries and increasingly ridiculous compositions “What in Soul King’s name is a leaking park? Why does it sound so horrendous?” Hisagi complains about making slow progress in bankai training, and Ise Nanao about her captain’s laziness, having found new ears to lament.

“Please, Kuchiki-san, when he comes over at the 13th, do scold him. Captain Ukitake is far too indulgent in letting him slack off.”

Rukia, whose initial uncomfortableness has all but disappeared after a few hours of companionship and two or three cups of alcohol, laughs and promises her she’ll do her best.

At some point, Ikkaku and Yumichika join them as well, congratulating Rukia and pouring some alcohol for themselves. Ikkaku is absently toying with Yumichika’s braid, a recent change to his hairstyle. They strike a conversation with Sasakibe of all people, who appears to be complaining to them that he had to find out about the gathering by himself and no-one ever remembers to invite him to these things.

Although he’s normally very loud-mouthed and talkative during these nights out, tonight, Renji contents himself with watching Rukia interact with his friends and comrades, winning them over, just as he predicted, with her gentle presence and quick wit.

He watches with quiet pride as Hisagi doubles over at one of her acidic remarks, as she and Momo engage in an incredibly nerdy conversation about kidou that he understands nothing of, as even Izuru cracks a smile when she tells the tale of how Yachiru always manages to break into the Kuchiki manor despite the draconean security, driving her brother crazy.

Two important parts of his life are merging into one, and he feels so giddy with happiness that he wouldn’t be surprised if he started floating mid-air. And, well, if he doesn’t have Rukia all to himself anymore, that’s just a small price to pay. He wants the whole world to know how amazing she is.

From the corner of his eye, he sees Ikkaku flash him a knowing smile he pretends he doesn’t see.

***

After the charade is over, while he escorts her back to the Kuchiki manor, she turns to look at him.

“Renji.” 

“What?”

“I want to become stronger.”

“You’re pretty strong, Rukia.”

“It’s not enough. You know it’s a matter of time before someone like Aizen, or worse than him, threatens us again, and I almost died fighting one of his lower Espada. When that time comes, I want to be better able to protect Soul Society,” now that Ichigo can’t is hanging in the air, unsaid.

She looks into his eyes, full of determination.

“Will you train with me, Renji?”

***

And so they train.

Not every day, of course: the 13th’s squad lieutenancy is a position with a particular burden, due to captain Ukitake’s spells of illness. Rukia has to deal with a lot of paperwork and duties that wouldn’t normally fall on her shoulders.

Thankfully, these days captain Ukitake’s health is fine, and he readily gives them permission to use the grounds where Rukia trained with Orihime, right before her capture by Aizen.

Every chance they get, they train. Rukia wants to work on her shikai to gain better control over Sode no Shirayuki ’s abilities, and zanjutsu is Renji’s strong point.

They start off tentatively, but as they familiarize themselves with having each other as an opponent, they go all out. 

Rukia’s a delightful adversary. She learns to expertly dodge Zabimaru’s attacks, and comes up with creative counterattacks at lightning-fast speed. Renji has to use up all of his versatility to try and best her.

But years and years in combat training, recently acquired fighting experience with a wide array of opponents and being the lieutenant of one of the most brilliant strategic fighters in the history of Soul Society mean that Renji won’t make things easy for her. 

They’re quite an even match. The outcome of their battles is always unpredictable, and that’s what makes everything all the more exhilarating.

Zabimaru are thrilled, as well. Their constant use against such a worthy opponent is pleasing them immensely. And every time they clash with Sode no Shirayuki, Renji thinks he feels a sort of respectful acknowledgement coming from them towards Rukia’s sword.

Other days, they engage in plain old kendo with bamboo swords, working on their footing and grip. Some days, when Renji’s will is weak, Rukia convinces him to try and practice his kidou. Although the first attempts go disastrously wrong, Rukia is a patient and encouraging teacher, and Renji eventually manages to fire a half-decent spell without blowing himself up.

Renji is living in a dream. He gets to spend most of his free time doing his two favourite things in the world: fighting and being with Rukia. He half expects to wake up any minute now and find out that it was all a dream and he never stopped being alone, but it never happens.

He falls asleep every night with a smile on his face.

***

“So, been spending a lot of time with the Kuchiki girl lately, haven’t you?”

“Shut up, Madarame. It’s not like that. We’re just training.”

“And yet while you say these words you’re blushing like a beetroot.”

“Shut up as well, Ayasegawa. Just sign this form for me and I’ll be on my way.”

The visit to his old squad’s barracks was made for bureaucratic purposes purely, in the aftermath of a mission involving troops both from the 6th and the 11th. Since captain Zaraki and Yachiru have yet again disappeared to god knows where, and Ikkaku’s too useless to do anything but beat up foolish crooks, Yumichika is, as usual, in charge of all the paperwork.

While people usually roll their eyes when the vain shinigami declares that the 11th would fall in shambles if it weren’t for him, he knows full well just how true that statement is.

“Now now, Abarai, if you promise to be a good boy and stop your ugly yelling, I might just sign that form for you.”

Renji starts fuming in anger, but wisely elects to hold his tongue. For now.

“What’s the big rush, anyway?” Ikkaku inquires. “You’re off work now, aren’t you? Stay for a drink. Rich boy isn’t making you work overtime, is he?”

“Well, actually…” Renji scratches the back of his neck, “Rukia and I are going to be training together tomorrow, so I wanted to have some paperwork done in advance…”

“Aha! So that’s how it is!” Ikkaku exclaims. He claps Renji on the back. “Well, for what it’s worth, I’m happy for you, Renji! A year ago you didn’t even speak with the girl, and look at you now! You’re training together !” he wiggles his eyebrows suggestively.

“Shut up! I already told you. It’s not like that,” he growls, suddenly feeling vulnerable. Why won’t the human lightbulb stop picking at his wounds?

“Well, what makes you so sure? The way I see it, you have a pretty solid chance…”

“Will you drop it already?!” he bangs his fist on the table and gets up. Ikkaku and Yumichika regard him with wide eyes.

“I’m sorry,” he deflates. “I just know how it is. She’s… she loves someone else.”

It’s the first time he says it out loud. It feels like the words have physically hurt him whilst escaping his throat.

A heavy silence descends. Ikkaku and Yumichika’s faces carry matching expressions of surprise mixed with pity. I must be looking pretty pathetic.

“Yumichika, will you please sign the paper?” he asks, pinching his nose with a sigh.

Yumichika puts his signature on the document and hands it back without another word. 

“See ya later, guys,” he greets without looking at them, and leaves.

By the time he’s reached his barracks, the paper has crumpled in his fist. Mercifully, Byakuya doesn’t comment on it.

***

“Your hair has grown out,” Rukia observes the next day. 

They’re lying side by side on the cool, green grass, sweaty and exhausted after fighting. It’s the good kind of exhaustion. The kind that makes your muscles ache sweetly and your eyelids droop.

“Yeah, I… I’m tryin’ something new. Had enough of bein’ a red pineapple.”

Rukia lets out a breathy giggle, her cheeks red, her chest rising and falling rapidly.

“Why, do you… is it weird?” he asks, a bit self consciously, examining tufts of his hair by running them through fingers.

“No, I like it. I think it’s a nice change. Actually… I was thinking of changing my own hair as well.”

Renji turns to look at her, surprised. Rukia has had the same hairstyle ever since he met her. He can’t for the life of him imagine it looking any different.

“New rank, new you and all that?” 

“Yeah, something like that.” she looks thoughtfully at the sky, wiping a sweaty black strand off her forehead.

***

Renji’s been waiting on the training grounds for about half an hour. He can feel Zabimaru get impatient, and he can relate. Rukia is rarely ever late. What’s the holdup?

He knows she’s alright, at least. He can sense her reiatsu from here. It’s at a distance, but not agitated in any way.

Suddenly, he feels her grow rapidly closer.

She must be flash-stepping. That won’t save her from hearing it, though, he thinks, tapping his foot on the grass impatiently.

She finally appears in front of him.

“Sorry for being late, I didn’t think the queue at the hairdresser’s would be that long, if I did, I’d go sooner, and… Renji, are you okay?”

Renji wants to answer her, but can’t for the life of him remember how to form words. He knows, in some distant part of his brain, that his mouth is hanging open, but he can’t remember how to close it.

Rukia has cut her hair. The long, spiky strands are all gone, and have been replaced by shorter, neater ones, that end just above her jaw.

This is unfair. This must be, in some way, illegal. One could always guess Rukia’s strength if they glimpsed under the surface of her fragile appearance, but Rukia with this haircut....

Rukia with this haircut exudes power. She looks like she could cut you in small pieces just for looking at her the wrong way.

Renji hasn’t been more turned on in his life.

He wants to drop to his knees and beg her to have her way with him, to do whatever she wants to him, anything at all, he doesn’t care, he just needs-

“You fool! Why are you just standing there gaping like a fish! Do I look that weird?”

Her voice drags him out of his stupor. “No, no, you don’t look weird, I! I’m just not used to it yet, is all!” his voice sounds abnormally high-pitched in his ears. His face is burning. “I… I think it looks good, Rukia. Suits you.” 

Well isn’t that the understatement of the fucking year.

“Are you sure? You can tell me if you don’t like it, you know,” Renji notices that she’s blushing.

“Idiot. Do you think I wouldn’t tell you if I didn’t like it? As if I’d drop the chance to mock you all day.”

Rukia relaxes a bit at that. “Like you’d ever be in any place to mock me. You have literal. tattoos. on your forehead.”

“I’ll have you know my tattoos are very popular,” he waggles his eyebrows, demonstrating his point. 

Rukia raises her eyebrows. “Are they? Well, that’s unfortunate. If any poor creature thinks that, I pity them immensely.”

“Just like I pity whoever has to put up with you on a daily basis. Oh, wait, that’s me.”

“You should pity yourself, but only because I’m going to kick your ass into next week!” and without another warning, she unsheaths her zanpakuto and charges.

After that training session, he returns home with bruises littering his arms and stomach. He was powerless against them, though. How was he to concentrate when Rukia , looking like that, fought him with a sword ?

***

“Are you sure that Byakuya won’t flay me alive tomorrow?”

“Only if you come in with a hangover. Besides, you weren’t the one who took this. He won’t even know you were involved.”

“What are you talking about? Have you met your brother? I bet he’ll take one look at me and know the exact amount of sips I drank from his precious sake.”

“Nonsense,” Rukia dismisses. “Besides, this isn’t even one of his good bottles. Probably a gift from some lesser house. He won’t even notice that it’s gone.”

Renji rolls his eyes at that. He bets Zabimaru it’s probably worth more than all of Renji’s belongings combined. If this is one of the low-quality bottles Byakuya has in his collection, then he can’t imagine how the high-quality ones will taste.

His taste buds are in Heaven. He doesn’t know how he’ll be able to go back to that piss-poor thing they serve in the bars. He takes one sip and raises his head towards the sky. The stars are twinkling, beautiful and bright. There is no moon these days to obscure them.

He and Rukia are sitting on the rooftop of the 13th’s barracks. She had come to him just as the sun was setting, exhausted from hours of paperwork on top of training drills that kept her busy after hours. She had dangled the expensive bottle in her hand and Renji had wordlessly gotten up and followed her, not caring where she planned to lead them.

It’s been three, maybe four hours since then and the bottle’s almost empty by now. Their tolerance is too good for this to get them drunk, but he feels a pleasant buzz, and a warmth in his veins.

He takes a sip and passes the bottle to Rukia. He tries not to stare too obviously as her lips close in on where his were a moment ago. Suddenly, his cheeks feel even more heated, and he averts his gaze to look towards the sky once again.

“I bet teenage Rukia and Renji couldn’t’ve imagined this, huh?” he asks Rukia, smiling wistfully.

“No, they couldn’t,” she agrees, and he can hear the smile in her voice. “We’ve changed so much since Inuzuri. But I think some small part of us will always stay the same.”

Renji takes comfort from Rukia’s words. They make him believe that despite the forty years they spent apart, their relationship didn’t rebuild itself on a clean slate. That the bond they formed in their youth is still there, changed with time, but just as strong.

“The street rat in me is still alive, that’s for sure. No matter how many meals I eat here, I still have the urge to pocket some under the table and save it for later,” he admits.

“That’s funny, me too. Sometimes, during dinners with relatives I’m not too fond of, I try to steal some from their plates without them noticing me. Nii-sama always does, of course, but he’s never scolded me. I think he’s secretly amused.”

Renji laughs heartily at that image, picturing Rukia bowing gracefully at her guests while trying to keep bread from falling off her pockets.

There’s silence after that, but Renji doesn’t feel the urge to fill it with meaningless chit-chat. He is perfectly content enjoying it. He’s normally pretty loud and outgoing, in his element amidst ample conversation and roaring laughter, and uncomfortable when no one’s speaking. But she, as is true with many other things, is the exception.

A flash of movement from below catches his eye. Captains Ukitake and Kyoraku are exiting the 13th’s headquarters and moving towards the outskirts of Seireitei, their backs turned on them. Although they must have sensed them, they don’t acknowledge their presence.

Renji watches them as they walk side by side, their pace perfectly in sync, Ukitake’s silver hair and white haori in perfect antithesis with Kyoraku’s dark, wavy curls and pink kimono.

He chances a glance at Rukia, who is watching them as well, a fond expression on her face. After a while, they disappear from sight.

“Rukia?”

“Yes?” she keeps gazing towards the direction the two captains went.

He hesitates for a bit. “Captain Ukitake and captain Kyoraku. D’you think they…” he trails off.

“Do I think they what?”

“Come on. You know what I mean. D’you think they...” he taps his index fingers together in an indicative manner, feeling more than a little stupid. Still, he hasn’t had the stomach to ask Rukia about this, and he’s wanted to for ages.

Even though to the unsuspecting soldier captain Kyoraku gives off the impression of a sleazy ladies’ man, and captain Ukitake seems like the effortlessly charming man that is too pure to know flirting if it hit him in the face with a kidou spell, the nature of the relationship between the two is one of the hottest gossip topics among the lieutenants.

It started a few years ago during a particularly rowdy night out, when Matsumoto had said, “I think we can all agree Kyoraku and Ukitake are banging each other secretly, huh?” making almost everyone in attendance spit out their drinks.

And thus their most fervent debate topic was born.

Everyone has their own opinion; Momo fervently agrees with Rangiku and insists captain Kyoraku’s flirting is deliberate to mislead everyone. Hisagi finds the very idea preposterous; “you women and your ridiculous yaoi fantasies,” he often complains, to more than a few protests. Iba and Izuru claim they would rather not speculate about two of the most ancient and powerful shinigami in such a way, but they’re always way too invested in what everyone else has to say.

Ise, who is most probably the only one who does know the truth, refuses to comment anything, much as they prod her. As for Renji himself, well, he truly has no clue. Both sides’ arguments appear convincing to him.

Rukia doesn’t answer him immediately, and Renji remembers why he refrained from asking her this until now. Captain Ukitake’s like a father to her. How could he have been so crass?

“Well, to tell you the truth, I think that it doesn’t matter,” she breaks the silence after a while.

“Huh?” that is definitely an answer he didn’t expect.

“What I mean to say is… what captain Ukitake and captain Kyoraku have… It’s something so unique, so special… Their bond is so deep, that it…” she pauses for a bit, trying to articulate her thoughts.

 

“I’m very familiar with captain Ukitake’s reiatsu. And when he’s with captain Kyoraku, it just… It blends into his. To the point where the combination is almost an entirely different entity from its components. It’s like… in painting, when you mix the colors blue and yellow, and you can’t imagine them yielding a new colour, but when you see the green they've made, it somehow makes perfect sense...And they, they’re so attuned to one another. They always seem to know what the other is thinking, and feeling, and when they look at each other it’s with so much love, so much devotion that… It almost hurts to look,” she murmurs.

‘I’ve never seen anything like it. They’re companions for life. No, they’re more than that. They’re soulmates. And the way I see it… whether they’re lovers or not is trivial. It’s just a drop in the ocean of what they have.”

Renji is stunned. “Wow. Now I feel like an idiot for being so vulgar. Please forgive me.”

“Don’t feel bad,” she answers softly. “It’s only ‘cause I know captain Ukitake so well that I am able to view it like this.”

“How lucky are they, though? To have that kind of bond with each other,” he sighs melancholically.

“Well, I’m sure it took them centuries upon centuries to forge it. And they must have started off somewhere. Thousands of years ago, they must have been mere acquaintances, then friends. To answer your question, they’re 100% screwing, too, no doubt about it. Don’t say that to your friends, though,” Rukia smiles at him and Renji chuckles, refraining from reminding her that soon, they’ll be her friends, too, if they aren’t already. She turns to the sky.

“Renji… Do you think you and I... could we ever get to have something like that?”

Renji’s breath hitches in his throat.

Does she… does she mean…

His heart starts beating so fast that he’s half-sure Rukia can hear it. “You and I?...” he manages to utter, barely stopping his voice from trembling.

“Yeah. Do you think we could ever meet someone, someone we could love and trust unconditionally, and forge that kind of bond with them?”

Oh. Right.

Of course that’s what she meant.

How was he so stupid as to think, even for one moment, that Rukia, brilliant, strong, beautiful Rukia, would ever think that they could have what she described with each other ?

He’s so stupid. He’s a colossal fool. But, well, nothing new there.

Somehow, despite knowing what he does, his stupid, treacherous heart keeps on hoping, impossibly, that she might feel something for him, if only a fraction of what he feels for her.

As if someone like her would ever love someone like him.

He needs to resign to the fact that she will never return his feelings. That he will never be worthy of Kuchiki Rukia.

He thought he’d made peace with it, and yet his heart beat so violently, he stopped breathing, momentarily, ‘cause for a second he interpreted her sentence in the way that suited his selfish desires.

He feels a dark, poisonous self-loathing spread through every limb, every muscle, until he’s almost numb with it.

He turns to look at the woman he knows is the love of his life, just as he knows he’ll never be hers.

She’s looking at him inquiringly, clearly oblivious to what's going on in his head.

In another world, where he wouldn’t have pushed her away for half a century, where he wouldn’t have almost caused her death, where she wouldn’t have fallen for an orange-haired substitute shinigami, in another world where he’d be worthy of her love, this would be the moment when he’d tell her a million things. 

He’d tell her how much he loves that one strand of hair that keeps falling between her eyes, the one she’s often making verbal threats to when she’s in a bad mood. He’d tell her how he loves the way the violet in her irises changes ever, ever so imperceptibly when she’s emotional, how it seems to fade a little. 

He’d tell her how much he loves her sharp elbows, her bony ankles, her small, deadly hands that have saved him so many times. He’d tell her how he wants to lay his head on her chest and listen to her heart beat for hours and hours. How he wants to kiss the spot behind her ear, her mouth, her throat, her palms, her bellybutton. Worship every inch of her. He’d tell her he wants to make love to her slowly, until she aches for release and fast, until she screams from pleasure. He’d tell her he wants to fight a hundred, a million battles by her side, that to die by her side would be the most heavenly way to die, just as that one song Ichigo liked to listen to says. He’d tell her that he wants to spend every day with her for a thousand, a million years, and that he’d never get tired of it. He’d tell her that he can be that person, that soulmate she’s speaking of.

“Well, I don’t think I ever will find that someone. But I hope you do, Rukia.’

He absently fiddles with his shihakusho. He feels drained, empty. He wants to go home.

‘I think I’m gonna hit the sack. Long day today.”

“Alright, then, goodnight,” her tone is hesitant and perplexed, carrying a question that Renji will never be able to answer.

He finds the concentration to jump off the roof and bit by bit reach his room.

He doesn’t fall asleep for a long time, feeling like an invisible weight is crushing his chest, keeping him from breathing.

***

When he wakes up the next day, his head is fuzzy and his mouth is dry. He hasn’t felt that groggy in a long time, and the memories of last night are not making him feel any better.

He stumbles to the bathroom, trying to make himself feel like a human again.

A long shower later, Renji goes through the motions with newly found determination.

He resolves never to let his feelings affect him like that again.

For the umpteenth time, he reminds himself to count his lucky stars for having Rukia in his life in any form, and not to jeopardize the trust they’ve rebuilt by behaving like that.

He shows up at their next training session and tries to show Rukia that nothing’s wrong. He notices her eye him warily in the beginning and wonders if he’s overcompensating, but he sees her gradually relax and crack up at his ridiculous jokes. In no time at all, they’re back at their familiar back and forth again, as if nothing’s happened.

And that’s a good thing, Renji reminds himself whenever his treacherous heart aches with longing at the sight of her smile.

***

The next two weeks pass peacefully. Which is… truly something to marvel at.

Seireitei is starting to get used to the calmness, the lack of an impending threat. It’s a gradual process, though. The guerilla drill of last week that sent the squads in a state of panic and filled everyone with terror is testament to that. Renji respects his superiors, he does, but never had he wanted to tear Yamamoto’s beard hair from his chin one by one as more than he did in that moment.

Other than that, though, yeah, things are pretty chill.

Summer has arrived for good, and though the weather is usually mild in Seireitei, the occasional spell of heat leaves Renji wishing for a dip in some cold lake. Or an ice-type zanpakuto.

I wonder if Sode no Shirayuki can make ice cubes, and, what good is the afterlife if we don’t have artificially generated ideal weather conditions, are the type of thoughts that occupy his mind most of the time.

It is on one such scorchingly hot morning, that Renji sleepily steps into his and Byakuya’s office to have him check the monthly budget he finished yesterday, working well until late at night.

What he sees almost makes him drop his papers.

Right in front of Byakuya’s desk, there is a human world electric fan swirling left and right. Right in front of it, his captain is sitting with his eyes closed, as if in deep meditation, his silky black hair swirling in the breeze. His haori is dumped on a nearby chair, and dear God, is his shihakusho open?

Sure enough, Byakuya’s robes are parted, exposing a pale expanse of skin. Renji has never seen his captain in a state of such disarray before. By Byakuya standards, of course. Because somehow, the bastard still manages to look regal and imposing, even now.

“Renji? I assume you haven’t sat down yet because you want something. I would suggest you stopped gawking at me and told me what it is.”

“Yes, captain. Um, is that an electric fan?” he blurts out, a little embarrassed.

“Indeed. Rukia informed me about these handy apparati a while ago, and I requested she bring me one from the human world,” he slowly opens his eyes, as if it’s a task for him to do so. Renji wonders if he’d been taking a nap. “Why are you making small talk, lieutenant? I would think you know better than to waste my time, but your behaviour right now suggests otherwise.”

“I’m sorry, sir. I wanted you to run over and sign July’s monthly budget, sir.”

“July’s budget? That is way too early even for you, Renji. Those aren’t due for another two weeks. Don’t you have more pressing matters to attend to?”

“No, sir. I mean I did, but I took care of them. You see, I… I want to have some evenings free sir, to-”

“To engage in training sessions with my sister, correct?” Byakuya’s piercing eyes focus on him. He feels like his stare is boring through his very soul.

Renji feels the overwhelming urge to avert his gaze, trying to remind himself that Byakuya can’t read minds and won’t flay him alive.

Play it cool, Renji, he doesn't know you’re in love with his precious only sister, he doesn’t know, it’s all cool.

“Well, yes, sir. To, uh, train with, um, Rukia, if it’s alright with you. Sir,” he knows that if he hadn’t been sweating like a pig already, he definitely would’ve started now.

After a few agonizing seconds, Byakuya sighs. “My sister is a grown woman. She hardly needs my permission on how to spend her free time.”

“Yes, sir,” he tries not to be too obvious about the relief he’s feeling.

“Try to take advantage of that opportunity, lieutenant. You have much to learn from her. Although I do suppose she also has a thing or two to learn from you.”

If Renji thought the heat was muddling Byakuya’s brain before, now he’s sure. This wasn’t even a disguised compliment! It was a straight-forward one! The last time Byakuya did this was, well, actually, never.

“Nevertheless, I must inform you that presently, your hastening is useless. Rukia was assigned the first mission under her command, today. She is expected to leave immediately and be away for a week.”

“Wha- really? So soon?”

“It is a mission of urgent nature.”

“Wow. Rukia leading her first mission. They grow up so fast, don’t they?” he flashes a grin at Byakuya.

“Indeed they do,” suddenly, his expression shifts, assuming an almost wistful quality. He regards Renji as if his presence is the cause of great calamity. “Well, if you want to, uh, say your goodbyes, I suggest you go now. By afternoon, she’ll be gone.”

“Thank you very much, sir!” Renji bows and exits the room after Byakuya’s dismissive hand motion.

Renji makes his way to the 13th’s barracks in no time.

“Rukia!” he bellows as soon as he spots her. She turns to face him, and he notices he’s interrupted her conversation with captain Ukitake.

“Captain Ukitake! I’m sorry for cutting in!” he bows in apology.

“Ah, not to worry, Abarai-kun! I have just finished briefing Kuchiki-san on her mission. I will leave you to it now! By the way, awfully hot day, isn’t it?’ Renji nods in agreement. Ukitake gives him his warm, paternal smile and he turns to enter the headquarters with one graceful motion.

“I see news travel fast,” Rukia says when Ukitake leaves.

“Nah, it’s just your brother being an omniscient freak, as usual. Who, by the way, suggested I came to say goodbye all on his own.”

“Really?” there’s the surprise in Rukia’s voice that Renji expected to hear. Their friendship seemingly left Byakuya coldly indifferent. He never did anything to impede it, but he never encouraged it either, not even in the smallest way. Well. Until now.

“Yeah. So, your first mission, huh? Congratulations! What's it about?”

“Don’t congratulate me before I’ve even started it, fool. Anyway. There’s been reports of a large group of Hollows making mass killings in some big city in the human world. Some lower-rank reconnaissance groups were sent out, but didn’t return. Their ability appears to be reiatsu-masking as well as, possibly, shape-shifting. It is suspected that they might be a product of Aizen’s experiments that we had failed to detect until now.”

“Damn that bastard,” Renji spits. “Even after we’ve shoved him in our deepest hole, he keeps fucking our lives up.”

“Well, he did as he pleased for many years. It’s no wonder we’re still cleaning out his crap.”

“You’re right.”

“Been a while since I visited the human world,” Rukia looks to the ground as he says these words.

“Feels like ages,” Renji agrees, feeling an ache in his chest. “Where is that town, exactly?” he knows it’s not Karakura. Rukia would never refer to it as some city.

“I don’t know exactly. But if I think it’s actually not that far from…” 

“Yeah, I figured. Since they’re afraid it might be Aizen’s ex minions, and all,” God, he can’t imagine how Rukia must feel. Being so close to him and not being able to see him…

After the whole charade with Aizen was over, they were given explicit orders not to come near Kurosaki Ichigo again, lest they lose their rank and be severely punished. Byakuya was the one that delivered them to him. Renji was ready to storm inside the first squad headquarters and show Yamamoto just what he thought of his orders, but his captain talked him out of it.

Well, more like shoved Sanbonzakura’s blade against his throat, but then he had actually talked, too.

“Kurosaki Ichigo has saved Soul Society from an evil it could not have vanquished on its own. A thousand years worth of gratefulness would still not repay our debt to him. The Captain Commander knows that.”

“Bu-”

“The Captain Commander knows that,” he repeated, his gaze hard like steel. “If you take even one step further, lieutenant, I will not hesitate to strike you down.”

“That won’t be necessary, captain,” he responded after a beat. Byakuya lowered his blade. “Besides, I’ve seen this play before and I didn’t much like the end,” he grinned.

Byakuya turned away. “Return to your work, lieutenant. And learn to be patient. It is a most useful virtue.”

Renji comes back to those words whenever his guilt eats at him, whenever he thinks of Ichigo in Karakura alone, with no powers, probably thinking they’ve abandoned him. But he has faith in Byakuya’s words. After all, he never makes empty promises.

“Well, I’m jealous! Bullying hollows is always a ton of fun!” it doesn’t even occur to him to worry about Rukia. They’ve faced much, much worse and she’s become stronger lately.

“That’s not exactly what we’ll be doing.”

“Huh?”

“I’m being sent there to draw them out and keep them occupied for enough time, so that Akon and a bunch of other scientists from the Bureau can gather information about them.”

“What? Why the hell would they want to study these bastards? Isn’t the point for us to be killing them?”

“Well, I’ll kill them, too, once they’ve collected their data. Be grateful it only came to that. Captain Ukitake told me that Mayuri tried to receive permission for them to be captured and experiment on them, but the Captain Commander forbade it.”

“Experimenting? Ugh, typical of that sicko. Good luck working with him,” he wishes, as he tries to fight off the memory of his extremely creepy rescue from Szayel Aporro Granz.

“It’s a good thing I won’t have direct contact with Mayuri,” Rukia nods. “I’m actually kind of nervous,” she admits after a pause, “I’ve never worked with a limiter before, and I think they’re sending me specifically because Captain Yamamoto wants to test me.”

“You’ll get used to the limiter quickly, don’t worry. It’s a bit weird at first, but it’s not too uh, well, limiting. And as for the old man, you’ve already more than proven yourself to him. You’ve killed an Espada all on your own, for crying out loud!”

“It was a lower-rank Espada,” Rukia feebly protests, embarrassed at the praise.

“Look, I know you really wanna show everyone you’re worthy of being lieutenant, but trust me, they already know. You're tough as nails and you could kick those Hollows’ asses with your eyes closed.”

“You know there’s more than fighting ability to this. He probably wants to know if I’ll lead my squad right. And I’ll show to him that I can, like you said,” she declares with calm resolve. 

“That’s the spirit,” he cheers, “Take care though, won’t you? Routine mission or not, don’t lower your guard in the battlefield. And come back soon. So that I can call you a sore loser after I kick your ass in training again,”  he gives her a friendly slap on the shoulder that she scoffs at.

“Fool. I’m not some green rookie. I won’t lower my guard. And in a week I’ll prove to you who the sore loser is.” She shoves her elbow in his stomach in retaliation. 

“Looking forward to it,’ he grins from ear to ear.

***

Rukia doesn’t come back in a week. 

Not that Renji worries about that. Sometimes, missions last longer than they’re predicted to. It’s not like Hollows have any respect for schedules or training plans or Renji missing Rukia so much he has trouble focusing on anything.

Yeah. For none of those things.

It’s just that for a year now, they fought most of their battles together, and it sucks to know she’s somewhere fighting without him being there to back her up.

But most of all, he misses the presence of the person he could glance at across a room and instantly know they’ve been thinking the same thing. 

It’s kind of ridiculous that he’s like this, considering she’s only been gone for a week and a half, but Renji feels what he feels.

It’s not like being desperately in love is something he can tone down at will.

Still, he doesn’t worry about her. Aside from the fact that Byakuya’s been terrorizing the 13th for news every other day , Renji knows that Rukia’s alright even without captain Ukitake’s assurances.

Even though he can’t sense her reiatsu from that far, somehow, he can tell she’s okay. He doesn’t understand how , but if something were to happen to her, he’d just know.

Or, he’s finally going mad. Yeah. That’s also possible.

Now that their training sessions are on hold and his evenings are free, he dedicates them to the design of new training drills for the 6th, based on his recent fighting experience. When he presents them to Byakuya, two weeks after Rukia’s gone, his captain gives him a bemused look he doesn’t know what to make of.

The next day, he tells Renji to stay after work. Exactly when his shift is over, Byakuya wordlessly gets up and Renji hastens to follow. He almost instantly recognizes the route they’re taking: Byakuya’s leading him to the Kuchiki manor.

That’s never happened before. Renji has been invited there once or twice, as the squad’s lieutenant or as Rukia’s guest in fancy meals, but never has he gone there with Byakuya.

They enter the carefully maintained and flawlessly geometrical gardens, with the koi pond adorning the middle and the sakura trees that have by now yielded their fruit.

Byakuya beckons him through a stone path towards the back garden, where Renji knows from Rukia Byakuya practises his most cherished hobby, gardening.

He barely has time to observe the plants of many shapes and sizes, when two untamed bushes, almost as tall as Renji, capture his attention.

“Renji,” Byakuya breaks the silence. “The lieutenancy of the 6th squad is a position that requires delicacy and patience; two skills that I fear you do not possess to the degree I deem suitable. With that in mind, I am presenting you the opportunity to refine them through the noble and delicate art of gardening. Today you will dabble in an activity that needs great discipline, but is also, dare I say, creativity. Do try to follow my example, as I have mastered the art.”

With a gesture of his hand, a servant appears out of nowhere, fetching them protective gloves, that Byakuya puts on. Renji mimics him. 

Then, they are given gardening scissors, and, without saying another word, Byakuya starts snipping at his bush.

Renji is speechless. His captain may have tried to justify this with a pompous lecture about discipline and skills or whatever, but he knows him well enough by now, and he bets his right arm that’s not the reason he’s here at all.

The reason he’s here is because Byakuya’s feeling lonely. He misses Rukia, and he’s noticed Renji misses her too, and he brought him here to take their minds off it by cutting leaves.

I would die for this man, Renji thinks, as he grabs his scissors and gets to work.

When they’re finished, he’s left staring at the perfectly carved form of admiral Seaweed, and a deformed lump that doesn’t resemble anything. He opens his mouth to apologize, but Byakuya beats him to it.

“Ah, yes, lieutenant I see. A hollow’s mask, only more atrocious and deformed. Highlighting the inhumanity of these beasts, or, perhaps, the vilified way we choose to perceive them, just because it suits our causes. You have surprised me pleasantly, Renji,” he concludes, with satisfaction in his voice.

Renji, of course, neglects to mention that what he sees before him is actually his attempt to carve his zanpakuto.

***

The image of bare-chested Byakuya on that hot day gives him an idea.

He decides to try styling his shihakusho like that. Well, not that openly, he just wants it to hang more freely on his shoulders and be a tad more parted, so that his ab tattoos are visible.

The next day,he wakes up extra early and spends an hour in front of the mirror, trying to find the best way to make his vision work. As he’s walking towards the 6th, he feels oddly exposed, but tells himself he just isn’t used to it yet.

“Well, hot damn!” A passing Matsumoto whistles approvingly when she spots him. “Give us that eye candy, Abarai!”

“Ugh, this was a bad idea,” he murmurs.

When he gathers the squad for the training drills, he notices that most of the women -and even some of the men- are eyeing him appreciatively.The observation prompts him to wonder how Rukia might react when she sees the change.

When Byakuya sees him, his face morphs into an expression of apathetic disdain, but the deprecating comment he braces for never comes. He decides, then that this is a good sign from the universe as any that this styling change should be permanent.

***

After an exhausting day, Renji’s heading to his rooms with grand plans of landing face first on his bed. On his way there, he runs into Ikkaku and Yumichika. Remembering what happened the last time he spoke to them, he feels his cheeks flame a bit.

“Matsumoto told me you finally decided to show some flesh, and I had to come see it for myself,” Yumichika says in lieu of greeting. “I see you drew inspiration from her. Well done. It’s very sexy.”

Renji refrains from telling him the inspiration was actually Kuchiki Byakuya.

“Huh? What’s that supposed to mean? I’m getting jealous,” Ikkaku complains.

“Well, Ikkaku, it means that you could definitely benefit from studying our friend here. Honestly, when was the last time you dared to try anything new, styling-wise? The red eyeshadow’s gotten old.”

“Are you kiddin’ me? You were the one who came up with the red eyeshadow! And besides, why would I change anything when I’m perfectly happy with it?”

“That ape brain of yours fails to comprehend that fashion and beauty is ever-changing. What was once new and exciting has now become predictable and boring, and besides…”

Yumichika’s words fade out as a familiar sensation is tickling the edge of his senses. It’s faint, very faint, but yes, there’s no mistake.

It’s her reiatsu. 

“Huh? Renji? Something the matter?” Ikkaku inquires.

“Rukia’s back,” he answers, not taking his eyes off the direction they’re set on.

“Is she now? How do you know?”

“I’m sensing her reiatsu.”

Ikkaku sniffles the air, like a reiatsu-seeking hound. “Oh, yes, if I really focus I can sense it too. But it’s very faint. You have to really look for it. And you were able to tell right away! Didn’t know you had such delicate skills, Abarai!”

“Well, idiot, I think it’s not so much about his skills, as about the fact that it’s Rukia’s reiatsu we’re talking about.”

“Oh, yes, right! I see how it is! Well, then, we’ll leave you alone to have the big girly freakout you’re probably holding in.”

“And by the way, you still owe us an explanation about that ugly tantrum you threw a couple of weeks ago. But I will let it slide for now, since you’ve things to do and places to shave.”

Renji rolls his eyes at their taunts. “Alright. I’ll tell you. But I’m warning you, it’s gonna be depressing. And I’ll need a lot of the strongest booze you can find.”

Ikkaku and Yumichika have listened patiently to his woes and given him advice about Rukia for as much as he’s known them. They deserve to know the truth. Plus, some old fashioned venting-slash-plastering might do him good.

“Deal. We’ll see you around, Abarai!”

And with that, they turn away.

He makes his way home in no time, and proceeds to tidy up his frankly atrocious-looking rooms in a fit of excessive energy, wondering when he might see her again.

Excited as he might be, Renji knows that this won’t happen very soon. Rukia will have to deal with reports and mission paperwork in the near future. On top of that, she is sure to be exhausted after a two and a half week long mission.

Still, the fact that she’s back, and she’s safe, is more than enough for him.

After the most relaxing bath he’s had in days, he falls into a deep, peaceful sleep.

***

When he groggily opens his eyes again, he sees something small and black in his peripheral vision. As he blinks, a hell butterfly comes into focus. It approaches his ear.

“Hey, Renji, you probably already know this, but I’m back. Just finished reporting to the Commander General and right now I’m going to take the longest sleep of my life, but, I thought I’d take you and the other lieutenants for drinks out tomorrow, if you want. Which, of course you do. Just thought I’d be polite. God, I’m rambling. I really need that sleep. Anyway, tomorrow, at nine, usual place. See you.”

By the time the message ends, he’s grinning like a fool. Rukia invited everyone for drinks on her own accord. She really has come a long way.

***

For the entirety of the next day, he isn’t at the height of his productivity, too excited about the prospect of a drink with Rukia and the lieutenants to be able to focus well.

Fortunately, Byakuya is in good spirits, due to his sister’s arrival, no doubt, and when Renji presents to him a sorry excuse of a drill report in which he manages state that the same soldier was in three different groups, he only reprimands Renji lightly instead of calling him an incompetent buffoon like he usually would.

Once finished with work, he has a mini-crisis over what bandana he should wear. Special occasions are usually the only times Renji dresses up in anything other than his work clothes, but he never wears his work bandana outside.

He decides to go for a blue one, with a pattern that comprises of droplets with little flowers in them. It used to belong to Ichigo, who gave it to Renji because he ‘never wears these things’. According to him, that pattern is quite popular in the human world.

He feels a wave of nostalgia as he gazes at the fabric. He wishes Ichigo could be with them today. Well. At least something of his will be with them. After he finishes styling the ponytail and fastening the bandana, he makes way for the bar. The air is hot and humid, making Renji lightly perspire as he walks.

He realises he’s late when the door opens and almost everyone is there. They’re sitting around the usual, long table they reserve on such occasions, drinks already in hand.

It makes no difference, anyway.

Because the moment he spots Rukia, no one else in the room registers. 

She’s sitting at the head of the table, in her usual attire, but something is slightly different than when she left.

And that’s when Renji realises what it is: Rukia looks truly at ease.

Her posture, her expression, the glint in her eyes, all bear testament to the fact that Rukia is relaxed and confident like he hasn’t seen her in a long time. 

When she sees Renji, her eyes momentarily widen, before her lips spread in a smile that takes Renji’s breath away.

“Fool! I was starting to think you wouldn’t show up! What did you spend all this time doing? Forgetting to tie your robes?” her eyes skim up and down his torso meaningfully.

“Shut up!” he snaps, hoping he’s not blushing. “as if I’d ever not show up!”

“Whatever, take a seat and pour yourself a cup. You’re already behind.”

“You know it won’t stay that way for long,” he informs her.

“Yeah, I know,” she smirks, and Renji busies himself with making himself comfortable on the seat directly opposite her, to keep himself from making heart eyes at her in front of all the lieutenants.

Who, he realises now, are looking between him and her in various stages of amusement. 

Too late for that, then. Oh, well. Half of them already know, anyway.

Momo and Izuru know, of course. Iba knows. Hisagi knows. Ikkaku and Yumichika (by now officially the unofficial representatives of the 11th on lieutenants’ nights) know. Rangiku probably also knows. His forehead might as well be tattooed with “I’m in love with Kuchiki Rukia” in flashing neon letters.

He pours a cup and makes a noise of approval when the liquid hits his lips. “This is good stuff!”

“Isn’t it! Kuchiki-san ordered it! She has great taste!” Matsumoto sing-songs, more than half-drunk by the looks of it.

Renji turns to Rukia to see her smile in a not-entirely-sober way. Rukia’s drinking tolerance is still a mystery to Renji. Most of the time, she can drink an entire bottle by herself and be completely fine. But there are those times, those rare times, when for some inexplicable reason, she gets completely hammered on half that amount, and spends the next day nursing a hangover while trying to avoid Byakuya, an activity she’s not particularly fond of. 

“Anyway, now that Renji’s here, Rukia can tell us about her mission!” Momo urges. Everyone makes noises of assent.

“Alright, alright! Though I’m warning you, it’s nothing too exciting!”

“Oh, come on, now, don’t be modest,” Iba protests. 

“Yeah,” Izuru agrees. “Tell us the tale, Rukia!”

Renji learns that most of the delay in Rukia’s mission was due to difficulty in locating the Hollows, who could, indeed, mask their reiatsu. When they picked up their trail, just outside of the town, they engaged in a short battle before the Hollows retreated.

“Retreated? But regular Hollows don’t retreat,” Iba frowns. 

“Exactly, which is what got me suspecting they were being controlled by someone. Turns out I was right.”

Small gasps of astonishment echo around the table.

“Then, we spent more time trying to find them again, but this time we knew what to expect. Akon installed a tracking device to one of them. The rest was easy. Their signal led us to an Arrancar.”

More gasps of surprise. Rukia looks satisfied with the way everyone’s hanging from her lips. “More specifically, they led us to a female Arrancar that probably belonged to Aizen’s lower ranks. She was pretty bitter about his fall, and she swore to avenge him. Although, judging by how quickly she was defeated,” Rukia pauses for dramatic effect, “she couldn’t have been as important to him as he was to her.”

“Oooh, that burn could kill her if she wasn’t already dead,” Hisagi comments and everyone laughs.

“Congrats, Rukia!” Matsumoto cheers. “Back when Aizen’s little minions started surfacing, I dealt with something similar, and let me tell you that between me, Toshiro-kun, Ikkaku and Yumichika, we barely managed to handle things. And you did it all on your own! Wow!”

Toshiro-kun is a nickname Matsumoto uses for her captain at her very drunkest. Renji has often wondered how the young prodigy would react if he were to hear it. 

“Thank you, Rangiku!” Rukia answers happily, and Renji notes the use of her small name, as well as the tone of familiarity Rukia addresses her with. 

After that, smaller conversations form around the table. Renji uses the chance to catch up with Iba, whom he hasn’t talked to in a while. It seems like he, too, like Renji and Rukia, is training to keep up with threats similar to Aizen in the future.

The sake is indeed, very tasty. It’s not like the one Renji and Rukia drank on that rooftop before she left, but it’s still very good. It goes down quite easily.

The pleasant effects of tipsiness are starting to settle in, and in his hazy mirth, Renji observes that he’s not the only one the alcohol’s hit. Izuru has his drunken smile on, Hisagi’s staring at Matsumoto’s breasts unabashedly, and Ikkaku’s hand is resting on Yumichika’s, rubbing small circles with his thumb. Those small, casual displays of affection are also a surefire sign that his bald friend has had a few.

The sound of Momo’s laughter draws his attention to the other side of the table. 

He sees her, Rukia and Rangiku giggling together, leaning close to each other conspiratorially.

“Have they seriously formed a human music club? I can’t believe it!” Rukia utters amid laughter.

Renji rolls his eyes affectionately. The Vizard captains' musical shenanigans are a favourite conversation topic, it seems.

“I’m telling you, every Sunday, without fail, Love, Kyoraku and Ukitake are there! He’s playing them these weird little black discs…”

“Those are called records,” Rukia says knowledgeably.

“...those record things, and the music they’re playing sounds so funny! I don’t know how anyone would want to listen to that!”

“Well, Hinamori, it’s not a secret that your captain is an odd one,” Rangiku laughs.“Indeed. But which captain isn’t really?” Rangiku and Rukia nod in agreement, as if she’s spoken a universal truth. Which, to be fair, she probably has. “Plus, I like that about him,” she answers. “On my days off, he’s teaching me about the human world! He’s telling me tales and sometimes he’s making me these fancy colourful drinks. How did he say they’re called…”

“Cocktails!” Rukia supplies again, helpfully.

“You’re so knowledgeable, Rukia-san!” Momo admires.

“Nah, I’ve just spent a bit of time in the human world,” her eyes go a little sad at that, but she recovers quickly. “And does captain Ukitake like this music?”

“Oh, yes, he’s all about it. Especially the music Captain Love’s playing, the one he calls classic. I think that’s my favorite, too…”

Seeing these three women Renji cares deeply about, each in his own way, three women so different at a first glance, get along so well, it moves him a little.

Rangiku and Momo were undoubtedly the ones this Aizen thing hurt more, the ones he took the most from. Renji was as much Aizen’s protege as Hinamori was, but she looked up to and adored him in a way he never did. He was her beloved mentor, her role model, her captain. He can’t even fathom what it must be like to be betrayed like this by the person you trust the most. And as for Rangiku and Gin, there’s only hushed whispers to be heard about that, but Renji knows that losing him has been very hard on her.

By now, he knows Rangiku well enough to recognize that she often overcompensates on cheerfulness to mask her pain. He also knows her well enough to observe that lately, her smiles seem a little less faked, a little more genuine.

The wounds are healing. I just hope we have enough time to let them heal properly.

The hours pass before he knows it, in a haze of drinking, and laughing, and a fair bit of out-of-tune singing too, in which Renji may or may not have enthusiastically taken part.

One by one, the lieutenants are taking their leave; Renji, of course, waits for his best friend, and once she’s paid the tab, they step outside. The bar isn’t very far from Seireitei, but on nights like these, they prefer to take the long route.

As they walk in silence, Renji tries to focus his vision on the bright silver disc in the sky that is almost full now. It blurs in and out of focus. The drunkenness is making him feel very at peace with his surroundings, but underneath that, there is an undercurrent of melancholy.

“That went well, huh?” Rukia asks him, in the tell-tale tone that betrays she’s not sober herself. She always slurs words a bit when she’s drunk.

“Sure did.”

“Momo’s amazing. Where have you been hiding her all this time?”

“Wasn’t hiding her!” he protests “I guess you just… never had the chance to get to know her.” Unbidden, his mind travels back to their academy days. Back then, his friendship with Momo and Izuru and his friendship with Rukia felt like two entirely different parts of his life that couldn’t merge, much as he wanted them to. Rukia was closed-off and maybe a bit jealous he’d found new friends so quickly, and Momo and Izuru weren’t that outgoing either. Plus, there was that suspicion on her part of anyone born into wealth and comfort that she hadn’t shaken off just yet. A suspicion pretty ironic in retrospect, considering what happened right afterwards. “Anyway, better late than never, right? I’m glad you’re getting along.”

Rukia hums in agreement, and they continue walking in silence.

“That bandana you’re wearing… it’s Ichigo’s, right?” she asks after a bit.

Renji turns to her. Her pale face is made even paler by the moonlight. Its beauty is almost otherworldly. The expression in it is one of pure sorrow.

He is filled with a sadness profound, all-encompassing, accepting. It doesn’t hit him like the despair he felt on that rooftop. It doesn’t surprise him in its coming. He welcomes it like an old friend.

“Yes, he gave it to me, a while ago.”

In this moment, he makes a decision.

“Rukia, listen, I…” he curses himself for having drunk so much now. He concentrates, trying to make coherent sense. “I know how much you miss Ichigo. And I know… I know it can’t end that way. You have to find each other again. Please let me help you get him back in whatever way I can.”

“Fool,” Rukia chastises him in a feather-light tone. “You don’t have to do anything. Ichigo will find his way back to us. He always does. And if he doesn’t, we’ll make our way back to him instead. But now’s not the time. He needs to grow and live his life without the weight of the world falling on his shoulders for once.”

“I… hadn’t thought about it that way. I guess you’re right. I miss that punk, though,” he admits with a chuckle.

“Yeah, I miss him too, an awful lot,” Rukia answers.

“What do you think he’s doing, anyway?” There’s been radio silence on their orange-haired friend. And they have no way of knowing what he’s up to. Though there were no explicit orders regarding them, they decided it wasn’t fair to communicate with Sado, Orihime, or anyone else, when they couldn’t with him.

“Don’t know. Schoolwork, hopefully. Soul King knows how behind he’s gotten in this year and a half.”

“Huh? Isn’t saving the world a good enough excuse to skip homework for you?”

Rukia shoots him an irritated look. “Well, just because he had to save the world once or twice, doesn’t mean he can slack off school. He’ll be graduating soon. He needs to get his grades up. And decide on a career. And spend time with his friends. Y’know, normal stuff 17-year olds do,” she says with her I’ve-lived-in-the-human-world-and-know-my-shit face.

“Geez, Rukia, you’re not his mother,” Renji teases her.

“Sometimes I feel like I might as well be, what with giving him my powers and watching him grow from zero to what he is now. Ahh, I remember a time when wounding a Menos Grande was a big deal for him. They grow up so fast,” she muses, and Renji laughs.

“It’s hard to believe that it’s only been about a year.”

“Right? It feels like it’s been five. I’ve never seen anyone become so powerful and so mature as fast as he did.”

“He was pretty juiced up to begin with. Punk almost killed me on the spot the first time he met me.”

“And let’s not forget the way he absolutely trashed you when he first came here.”

“Shut up, you weren’t even there!”

“I’ve heard stories,” she smirks. “But see what I mean? He was here trashing you and people stronger than you instead of resting for the summer, swimming at the beach, flirting with girls, things normal boys do! Speaking of, I hope that now that he’s not busy he’s finally grown a pair and asked Orihime out.”

When Renji processes what she’s just said, his brain screeches to a halt. In his shock, he stumbles on a rock and almost falls.

“Easy, there,” Rukia comments, amused.

“What?”

Rukia is looking at him like he’s the slowest person in the world. “I mean, don’t you think it’s about time? I’d have bullied him to it if I thought it’d work but the stubborn bastard would probably refuse out of spite then.”

“What?”

“Renji, have you gone thick? I know you’ve had a bit too much to drink but… Ichigo? Our best friend? Orange haired idiot carrying a glorified kitchen knife? And Orihime? Our other orange haired friend who’s pretty and kind and in love with him since forever? Ah, they’re perfect for each other! Their babies will be so beautiful!” Rukia claps her hands together in glee while her face displays Chappy-like levels of ecstasy. 

“I-” Renji closes his mouth and opens it again, like a fish. 

“What?” Rukia asks, confused.

Renji runs his hands through his hair. Nothing is making sense.

“But-” he starts to say and promptly shuts his mouth.

“But what?”

He opens his mouth. Shuts it again. Then opens it yet again. “You and Ichigo...”

“What about me and Ichigo?”

“You’re in love with each other!” he blurts out, and winces as the words come out, but it’s too late to take them back.

“Me and Ichigo are what? ” Rukia’s expression has shifted from confused annoyance to complete horror.

He takes a deep breath. He can do this. “Look, you don’t have to lie to me.”

He can do this. He can.

“I mean, I’m not blind. I’ve seen the way you look at him. I know how much he means to you. I know how much you love him. I know that you’d do anything for him, that you’d give up anything for him. And I know he’d do the same for you. I’ve known since-”

“Ren-”

“Please let me finish. I’ve known ever since he came here. He was ready to give everything up to save you. ” His stupid voice has started trembling. The alcohol is slowly wearing off. What wouldn’t he give for another drink. “And I know that you’re insecure about this kind of stuff, but you shouldn’t let him go. You should tell him how you feel, and he’d be a fool to turn you down. You’re the most amazing person I know, Rukia, and you deserve to be happy. And if everyone deserves to be the one who makes you happy, it’s Ichigo.”

Rukia stops walking, and he stops too. She turns to face him. He can’t make her expression out. “Are you finished?” she asks him.

“Yes.”

She takes a breath. “You are the most magnanimous idiot I had the misfortune of knowing my entire afterlife.”

“Huh?”

“Ichigo and I love each other, yes. I’d give my life for him in a heartbeat, and he’d do the same. But there’s more than one ways to love someone, and the way Ichigo and I love each other isn’t that.” 

“You don't? But-”

“I let you finish. Please don’t interrupt me,” she cuts him off, her face severe. “Before I met Ichigo, I was closed off. I was miserable. He taught me again to trust completely, to form friendships, to feel affection without waiting for the other shoe to drop. But it was never like that. Although, I guess it’s a conclusion an outsider could easily come to. Right before I left, the Karakura high girls asked me if there was something between me and him. I didn’t even contemplate it for a moment. What I feel for him is strong, yes, but it has nothing to do with being in love. Being in love is completely different. It’s nowhere near close.”

She casts her eyes down and bites her lip.

Renji feels like his heart’s been stabbed. “So it’s someone else you’re in love with.” 

It is not a question. Her expression and words couldn’t have spelled it out more clearly. He feels bad for prodding her like that, but he can’t stop himself.

Rukia looks at him like a deer in headlights, and slowly nods.

Fuck. Rukia’s in love with someone and it’s not Ichigo. Renji was okay with Rukia loving Ichigo. He’d accepted it after a lot of effort. Right now, he feels like the earth’s been pulled from under him.“If not Ichigo then… who?”

Rukia continues to look at him, her eyes wide and panicked. She doesn’t say anything.

Suddenly, realisation strikes him. Of course. How didn’t he think about it sooner? “Your lieutenant, Shiba Kaien. It’s him, isn’t it? You still love him, after all this time...” he remembers Byakuya mentioning that Rukia was so fiercely protective of Ichigo because he looked a lot like him .

Rukia winces. “Did you have to say that?”

 

As soon as he hears Rukia’s words, he knows he’s crossed a line. Shiba Kaien is a matter so painful and so personal to her that she has told very little to Renji about it. What he knows, he’s heard through the grapevine. He knows that the Espada she killed tried to torture her by assuming his form.

For the umpteenth time, he’s managed to royally screw things up.

“Rukia…”

Rukia starts walking fast, her pace urgent. 

“Rukia-”

“Goodnight, Renji,” she dismisses, and quickens her pace even more.

How can she be so fast with these tiny legs, he contemplates, not for the first time, as he tries to catch up.

“Rukia, please forgive me, I shouldn’t have said that.”

“I said goodnight, Renji.” 

“Fuck, Rukia, I’m sorry, please slow down!”

To his big relief, she complies, and he catches up to her.

“Why would you mention him, Renji?” the tone she uses is one Renji has heard few times in his life. The one she uses when she’s at her most upset. The one she used that day at the academy when she told him goodbye. “Why would you speak of him when you know how he… what I…” she chokes up on the words.

Renji can’t take it anymore. He breaks down.

“Because I’m an awful person, Rukia.  I run my mouth before I think. I’m selfish and stupid and I let my feelings get in the way. And I hurt you, who’s the most important thing that’s ever happened to me. I always end up hurting what I love.”

He knows, after what he’s just said, that he’s revealed too much. Rukia’s not an idiot. She’ll know. The secret he’s been guarding for sixty years is practically out in the open now.

It’s all over. There’s no way Rukia’ll wanna be friends with him now that she knows about his feelings.

The world is spiraling out of his grasp.

“I always knew you had a flair for the dramatic, but this time you outdid yourself,” her teasing tone snaps everything into focus. “Renji, I know you tend to speak before you think, and I know you can be selfish sometimes. Who isn’t? But to quote something a wise man once told me, you think too much. No one thinks badly of you.” 

He raises his head to find Rukia smiling at him, and he mirrors her, daring to feel just a smidge hopeful that she might not cut him off from her life for all eternity.

“To be fair, though, I can’t argue with the I’m stupid part. You thought Ichigo and I were in love, for Soul King’s sake. ’

‘But what takes the whole cake stupidity-wise is you thinking you don’t deserve me. You’re kind, you’re loyal, you’re brave, you’re infinitely understanding, you’re so good and helpful with people. For the longest time, I used to think that I did not deserve you, but lately I’ve come to understand that I’m pretty fucking awesome myself, and I damn well deserve to have the best friend in the entire history of friendship. In conclusion, we deserve each other. So apologize for your big mouth and let’s move on.”

“Thank you, Rukia. I’m sorry for speaking so recklessly. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“I know you didn’t.  Apology accepted.”

Renji smiles to himself as they continue their way in silence. Rukia’s words have started healing a gaping wound inside him. He resolves to work and make himself fully believe them, in time.

They’re entering a familiar path now, nearing the Kuchiki manor. This rollercoaster of emotions has drained Renji, but he feels calm now.

The familiar, elaborate building slowly comes into view.

“It’s not Kaien-dono either, you know. He was my mentor and my friend, and one of the few people that cared about me when I first joined the 13th. I probably had a bit of a crush of him too, to be honest. But nothing beyond that. I admired his wife greatly and loved them as a couple.”

He searches for the right words to say. “I’m… sorry for what happened, Rukia. They didn’t deserve what Aizen did to them,” You didn’t do anything wrong, it wasn’t your fault, he also wants to say, but fears he will sadden her again.

“You know, ever since fighting that Espada, what happened with Kaien-dono… it doesn’t devastate me as much anymore. It still hurts, but I’ve gotten closure, at least, after I apologized to the Shiba clan. And when that monster wore his face and spat the dark thoughts I’d been thinking back to me, I realised that punishing myself doesn’t honour his memory. The real Kaien didn’t blame me for one second. And he’d have wanted me to be happy.”

“He sounds like a great man,” Renji smiles. He only has fleeting memories of the bright-eyed lieutenant, but he recalls him as a presence that instantly brightened the room, whenever he appeared.

“Yes, he was. I owe him a lot of what I am today.”

They reach the manor’s garden. Rukia nods in greeting.

“Goodnight, Rukia. And thank you.”

“Goodnight, Renji. And shut up.”

She steps into the patio and starts making her way to the front porch.

Smiling to himself, he turns to leave, but stops in his tracks and turns around.

“Wait! If it’s not lieutenant Shiba, then who is it?

She stops and turns to face him.

“Let’s just say that I’m fond of a certain oblivious idiot who couldn’t steal a barrel of water to save his own life.”

“How many years are gonna pass before you let that g-”

Abruptly, he realises what she just said. He tries to open his mouth and say something, anything, but in his head there's nothing but static.

“Goodnight, Renji.”

Rukia steps inside the manor and closes the door behind her.

Renji doesn’t know for how long he stays outside the Kuchiki manor, frozen in the same spot. When he finally moves, the sky is starting to assume the colours of the sunrise.

As he slowly turns to head home, he whispers a single word in the cool morning breeze.

“Fuck.”

Notes:

So, that's it for now.

I will probably continue this in the near future. I want to finish reading the TYBW arc first (I'm halfway through it, but I went and spoiled myself on everything because I couldn't wait).

Please excuse any potential inaccuracies. Don't hesitate to point them out to me if you've spotted any!

Thank you so much for reading this! Tell me what you thought of it, if you like! Until the next time.