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Powerful as it was, Castiel’s happiness was a fragile, fleeting thing. For a desperate moment he thought to hold on to it, to safeguard it against the barrage of emotion that threatened to overwhelm him as darkness pulled at him. But happiness wasn’t his to hold within him. Like everything about him, he weaponized it and now it was almost time to let it go. Regret, loss, grief surged up, but he was composed. He went with a smile, thinking of Dean’s beloved face, assured in the knowledge that Billie was sucked into oblivion before him, lost into the gaping maw of eternal sleep. He just had to hold on to his ultimate weapon long enough for Dean to be saved, long enough to make a difference.
Eventually the world around him fell away.
Then?
Nothing.
Ping!
Castiel came to with a gasp. Instantly disorientation set in as his angelic senses failed him. He couldn’t say where he was or how much time had passed since his last conscious thought. He was lying on the ground, all around him profound darkness. He knew he was in the Empty, but this felt… different. He felt different for one thing. He climbed to his feet and took stock of himself. He remembered what happened; Billie’s chase, using his deal with the Empty to neutralize the threat to Dean. Dean.
Castiel’s heart sank, his core getting tight, a painful burning starting in his eyes and his throat. He hadn’t wanted it to end like this, but he was glad that his plan had worked, somewhat to his own surprise. He knew how powerful it was to just speak the truth, especially after he had tried to keep it bottled up and hidden away for the past years. But as bright that spark of happiness had been, how good it had felt to tell Dean the truth about himself as well, so short-lived had it been. Now, Cas felt its absence keenly. He felt like someone had taken a knife and carved him out, leaving nothing but aching emptiness behind. Selfishly, he had hoped that dying would spare him of having to deal with this loss.
He breathed in deeply, letting himself feel this one moment of grief, and then he steeled himself.
He was in the Empty, but Cas was absolutely sure that he was alive. The Shadow had taken him whole, merely tearing him through a portal instead of transforming him. Now Cas was a being of flesh, bone, essence and grace within a world that was nothingness. It was jarring. Maybe that was why the Empty felt different now.
Just as he thought that a sound reached his ears.
Ping!
The sound carried, echoing, even though the void of the Empty should have swallowed it. Before Cas could however find the cause of it, the space around Cas started to tremor. Alarmed, he braced himself, expecting the Shadow to finally show up to torment him. And if not the Shadow, then Billie or some other creature Cas had killed. But all that happened was that the void around him shook and rumbled, but soon it quieted down again and everything returned to its eerie, profound silence.
Cas waited for something else to happen, but after a long stretch of time he had to assume that whatever had shook the Empty, it probably had nothing to do with him. Still suspicious, he turned to search for the source of the familiar sound.
Castiel patted down his trench coat until his palms brushed against a hard shape. He reached into his pocket and produced his mobile phone.
It was lit up with an unread message. Castiel blinked down at the display. Of course, the Empty had swallowed him whole, but it was baffling to find his phone still powered up. And not only that. While the display said that he was out of range of service (which hardly surprised him) he clearly had just received a message. Or two if the display was to be trusted.
He unlocked his phone and his heart momentarily seized when he saw his chosen background, showing the Winchesters in the kitchen, eating. He breathed in evenly, trying to dispel the new wave of grief. He had to deal with that later, there was no sense in giving in to it now.
He opened his text messages, apprehensive about what this was. Baffingly, found the messages to be from Claire.
“One second we’re on the way to some silo because god knows what is coming at us and then everyone just started disappearing! I almost crashed the car but then there was nothing! And now we’re all back. Jody says you’ve somehow pissed off God? What the hell?”
And the second message read:
“Dean’s not picking up his phone and Jody’s not telling me anything. Are you guys alright?”
Castiel stared at his phone in surprise. Was this some sort of trick by the Empty? He looked around, but there was nothing around him that could help him understand what was going on.
“Relative. Are you safe?” he typed, unsure what he even expected to come out of it. His thumb hovered over the send button, aware of not only the no signal sign but also the fact that he was in an entirely different dimension. This shouldn’t be possible but he hit send and the text went through instantly. As if he wasn’t stuck in this impossible space between. Claire didn’t answer right away, so he dropped his hand to his side and looked around. A small tremor went through his surrounding, the space pulsing with a low beat. For a moment he thought he could pick up soundwaves skittering past him, but the sensation disappeared almost as soon as Cas had perceived them. Something was going on.
Maybe Billie taking Jack to the Empty to detonate had caused grave issues to this vast nothingness.
“Hello?!” Cas called and his voice bounced off the space oddly, the sounds stuttering around him before being swallowed up into the ground. He repeated his calling some more, but even though the commotion should have roused the Empty, considering its intense dislike of him and his noise, nothing happened.
Not sure what to do, Cas turned his attention back to the phone. What if…?
He didn’t hesitate for long before he opened his contacts and dialed Dean’s number. Again, he wasn’t sure what would come off of it, but the phone was ringing. It seemed impossible and Cas almost laughed in disbelief when after a couple of rings he heard Dean’s voice.
“Yeah…?”
“Dean! Are you alright?”
“What the hell?” Dean cursed and Cas couldn’t fault him this reaction. Cas wasn’t sure what had happened since he was pulled into the Empty, or even how much time had passed.
“Not quite… I’m in the Empty,” Cas told him with a small smile on his lip. He still didn’t know if any of this was really happening and this wasn’t just some dream he was experiencing at the Empty’s behest. But he couldn’t care, not right now. Whatever had happened, clearly Dean was alive.
“They have phone reception in the Empty?” Dean asked, his voice sounding incredulous. But before Cas could answer, Dean’s breathed in deeply. “I don’t know what kind of games you’re playing, but it’s not funny.”
“I’m not-” Cas started, but then he shook his head. “Wait a moment. Pick up again, please.” Cas terminated the call, cutting off whatever Dean was going to say next and fumbled with his phone. He managed to start a video call and then Dean’s frowning face came into view, or rather what could be seen from the vantage point of the phone. Mostly Cas was looking at the small scar on Dean’s chin. But then Dean lifted his phone up slowly, his usual scowl in place, signaling Cas that he wasn’t trusting this situation and that he was clearly bracing to be hurt.
But how beautiful, how wonderful to see Dean, even with that guarded look on his face. And it was even better when he saw his expression go slack in disbelief.
“I’m in the Empty. There’s not a lot to see behind me,” Cas said with a small, apologetic laugh. Dean just stared at him. “The Empty took me whole… With my phone it seems.”
“I… what the fuck, dude?”
“I don’t know what to tell you, Dean,” Cas admitted. “It seemed that the bomb that went off inside the Empty blew holes into it. The Empty is a space between worlds or… beyond worlds. It’s difficult to describe.”
Dean seemed to be listening, his expression tense.
“Were you woken up again?”
“Yes,” Cas said, smiling at Dean, “by Claire sending me a text message actually.” Dean’s eyes widened. “Not only am I awake but I’m actually alive. The Empty taking me didn’t kill me. I don’t know why. Maybe it was weakened greatly.”
“And Billie? She’s not there?” Castiel shook his head, then he turned in a circle, surveying the space around him, turning his phone around for Dean to see. But he was alone and there was nothing but darkness for Dean to see.
“She was already dying when the Empty got her. I suppose that maybe she died and was absorbed into the Empty while I was unconscious,” Cas suggested, turning his attention back to the small screen. Dean still wore a frown, but it was gradually changing to something else.
“Okay.” Dean said, then he sniffed, his nose twitching. He cleared his throat and his expression became more alert and focused. “How do we get you out?” Warmth spread through Cas at that despite the situation he found himself in.
“I don’t know if you can,” Castiel admitted.
“Cas-“
“What about you? How are you? What happened?” Cas cut him off. Dean looked like he wanted to protest the sudden change of topic and for a couple of tense seconds Cas wasn’t sure where this was going to go. But eventually Dean shook his head.
“Okay. Well,” Dean started, then the image flickered slightly and Cas watched Dean hold the phone further away from him, giving Cas a look at more than just Dean’s face. Dean was lying on his bed, the covers rumpled, books and pizza boxes strewn around him on the bed, beer bottles and cups covering all the spaces Cas could see. Dean lifted his free hand, showing Cas another half-empty cup of beer.
“I’m fantastic,” Dean said with a tense smile. “I’m talking to my best friend trapped in some sort of hell dimension and I’m not sure if I haven’t passed out and am dreaming all of this.” The comforting warmth Cas had basked in was gradually replaced by worry. Never mind Dean’s rather persistent doubt, it was not a good sign for Dean to drink heavily.
“Claire’s text suggested that you had succeeded in bringing the people back that Chuck made disappear,” he started. Dean huffed, shrugging like it was no big deal. Maybe Cas had been wrong to assume that this meant some sort of reprieve in their fight against Chuck. “Dean, what happened? Is Sam alright? What about Jack?” While Dean had remained somewhat relaxed when Cas mentioned Sam (which Cas hoped to be a good sign), he did tense at the mention of Jack. Cas’ heart sank.
“Sam’s fine,” Dean said with a sigh. He moved his position, bending out of frame and Cas heard a thunk. Dean came back into frame, the hand that had previously held the beer bottle going through his hair. Cas only noticed now that it was longer than Cas was used to, some strands hanging into his face before Dean wiped them back. How much time had passed…? “He’s out, helping Donna on a hunt.”
“And you didn’t go?” Cas asked. Dean snorted.
“Hell no. I’m not going,” he said, surprising Cas. Dean took a deep breath, avoiding looking into the screen. “Jack’s gone.”
“Oh…” Cas didn’t know what to say to that. Dean’s eyes darted to the screen for a second, maybe to gauge Cas’ reaction. Cas didn’t understand, but instead of profound grief, he mostly felt resigned and like he had failed, yet again.
“Yeah,” Dean finally said, sounding tired. “I’m really sorry Cas that we couldn’t protect your kid…” Cas didn’t trust himself to speak, so he just shook his head. “We figured out he came back from the Empty differently…”
“How so?” Cas said, because in the short while he had with Jack after Billie’s plan for him had failed, he had been too distressed to pay attention after he had been returned to him.
“The kid was like some kind of vacuum. It started gradually, but we noticed that he was sucking up power,” Dean explained. “Like he went supernova inside the Empty and then he sucked up energy. Especially divine energy. We figured, hey why not use it on Chuck?” Dean shook his head, chuckling mirthlessly. “You should have seen his face. The dude didn’t even see it coming.”
“You defeated Chuck?” Cas asked incredulously.
“Yeah, don’t say you doubted me?” Dean joked half-heartedly. Cas remained silent and the grim grin slipped off Dean’s face. “Jack absorbed Amara, who had been locked inside of Chuck, as well as Chuck’s power. But he was just a kid… He couldn’t handle that kind of power. Amara took over his body and she took Chuck with her… I don’t know if Jack’s still in there or if he got burned out of existence.” Dean’s voice became gruffer. “I’m sorry, Cas…”
“Dean…”
“I couldn’t even say good-bye. I couldn’t… I couldn’t say good-bye to you either.” Dean’s voice was hoarse and he avoided looking at Cas. Cas watched Dean’s expression crumble, saw the tears in his eyes that Dean didn’t particularly try to stop. “What point is there in being free of Chuck’s damn hamster wheel if-“
The Empty shook violently, throwing Cas off his feet. He clutched the mobile phone to his chest as the ground trembled. Cas felt like he was in the middle of a thunder storm, sounds rushed by in loud screeches, existence pounded against the Empty’s nothingness. Red flashes tore through the darkness, sometimes silent and sometimes so loud even Cas had to shield his ears as it echoed around him. Cas dared to look down at the phone but it was merely flashing at him, the image of the screen distorted, Dean’s face long gone.
It might have been an eternity, or it might have been mere moments, but eventually the storm passed and the Empty returned to its eerie silence. Cas looked up from the phone, squinting into the distance. He didn’t see or hear anything, but soft tremors seemed to go through the space around him, tickling his awareness. Something was ahead. And since this was a world of nothing, that something was clearly out of place in here.
Even though whatever it was seemed to beckon him closer, Cas first turned back to his phone. He tried to call Dean again, but the call wouldn’t connect. He tried sending a text but that wouldn’t go through either. Frustrated, Cas put his phone back into his pocket, got up on his feet and started walking.
The ground below him continued to shake and at one point it made ripples beneath his feet, each step shooting a wide circle around him into the darkness.
“I can feel you,” he eventually grit out, more annoyed than tense. He had his blade but that would hardly be helpful in this situation. “Stop playing this game.”
Slowly the ground before him bubbled up into a shape, but it was slow and awkward, until finally Jack rolled his neck with a displeased expression on his face. Cas took a step back in surprise.
“Jack?”
“Nah,” the Shadow said on a long-drawn exhale. “You know… I’m so tired of you. Of you and your child and your exhausting problems.” Castiel narrowed his eyes, ready for a fight, even though he knew that he had no chance.
“Right,” Cas answered, his voice flat.
“Your child blew me up!” the Shadow shouted, the borrowed voice almost making Cas jump. “He woke up every other bastard in here! It’s LOUD!” The shadow madly wagged its finger at Cas. “And do you know what happens when God decides to destroy an entire network of worlds?” Castiel frowned at the shadow, but it wasn’t particularly interested in Cas’ input anyway. “They all land here! And usually that’s fine but now there’s too much of it! The Empty is bursting at the seams!” the Shadow ranted. It waved its hand. “Metaphorically speaking.”
“Uhm… okay? And what do you want me to do?” Castiel asked, not comprehending. The Shadow stilled, then it slowly tilted its head. Castiel lifted his hands impatiently. “Clearly you want something from me.”
“I don’t like being Chuck’s disposal bin but I can’t really do anything about it, not on my own. Billie was supposed to solve this but we both know how that turned out. So, I want you to take what he dumped in here and restore it. Worlds collapse naturally and then they return to me, dormant, until something wants to be and the whole circle starts again. Neither Chuck nor Billie really got it. They meddled with the Balance and it blew up in their faces, didn’t it?” Cas glared at him. “Take it and leave. It’ll fall into place as soon as the undoing is… well… undone.”
“But wasn’t it already undone? Chuck wiped out people and now they’re back.”
“Amara did that, but she can’t recreate entire worlds. If she learns how to harness Chuck’s powers of creation she will. But I doubt it. She always lacked creativity,” the Shadow said with a snort. “No. You take it all. You return peace and quiet to my realm and I’ll let you go.” Castiel lifted his eyebrow.
“Just like that? What’s the catch?” he asked. The Empty grinned at him.
“You don’t decide what comes out with you. I stuff you full of everything that’s awake. Angels, demons, beasts so ancient that they predate Chuck and Amara. Whatever’s awake, you take. Whatever isn’t stays with me,” the Shadow said and the smile pulling at its lips was almost grotesque. Even though it had clearly been agitated at first, it did enjoy causing Cas grief. Cas supposed that was fair, considering the circumstances, but what the Empty was proposing was highly dangerous.
“You mean… Lucifer could be unleashed back on earth?”
“If he’s awake, yes,” the Empty said with glee. “All the things you have fought, all the evils your beloved Dean and millennia of unfortunate tragic heroes before him have died to vanquish, will be returned into being.” Castiel stared at the Shadow, torn. He desperately wanted to go back, but he couldn’t do this to the world. He couldn’t do this to Dean, who would have to be the one who cleaned up whatever the Empty spat out. “Well?” The Shadow’s grin was only growing bigger.
With a sinking feeling, Castiel knew what the answer would have to be. The Empty shook again, something roared deep in the vast space.
The cheerful sounds of the phone’s ringtone pierced through the cacophony, drowning it out at once. The Shadow cocked its head but Cas had no time to pay it any attention. He grabbed his phone, saw Dean’s caller ID flash up on screen and picked up right away.
“Dean!”
“Cas, hey! Fuck, I can’t believe it! I’ve been trying to call back for weeks! I was about ready to admit that I probably had a psychotic breakdown and hallucinated the entire call!” Dean’s voice rang out through the sudden silence. The Shadow was creeping closer, interested.
“Sorry, Dean. The reception is… spotty,” Cas admitted, but then he frowned. “Weeks you said?”
“Uh, yes? It’s been 5 weeks since your last call,” Dean answered, voice softer now. “Sam was giving me wounded puppy eyes whenever I tried to tell him about receiving a call from the Empty.”
“I’m sorry, I understand that Sam’s, uh, puppy eyes can be disquieting,” he answered. Dean snorted but he sounded amused.
“Uh… any luck finding a way out?” Dean asked. Castiel hesitated and even though the Shadow looked at him expectantly, Cas had a hard time bringing himself to disclose anything. “Cas?”
“Possibly… But it’s unwise…”
“Nothing out of the ordinary for us. Unwise how?” Dean asked, alert right away. Castiel sighed.
“The Empty offered to send me back, but along with the fragments of the worlds that Chuck has destroyed, everything that is awake in the Empty will come out with me,” he explained. The Shadow remained oddly silent, watching with a look that Cas hated to see on Jack’s face.
“Then what are you waiting for? Come back!” Dean urged.
“Dean I can’t! We don’t know what is awake in here!” Cas told him, desperate for Dean to understand. “You just got your freedom, Dean! I can’t destroy that for you!”
“I’d rather have you, Cas.” Castiel stilled, the pain of this awful choice blown away. “I don’t care. Let me be selfish. I need you back here, man. Please.” Speechless, Cas slowly turned his head to look at the Shadow. It grinned at him, then it reached out and Cas was swallowed up in an explosion of noise.
Castiel remembered that at the very beginning of him there had been warmth. Just a flicker of it, a heartbeat of being aware and alive within a humming plane that he was never able to fully recollect afterwards. The next thing he knew he was fully formed and alive in Heaven, dispassionately greeted by an uncaring older sibling, given a name and a purpose and that was it. Castiel was and he had not been before, that was what Heaven told him. And yet… Whenever he had asked about the before everyone that didn’t outright dismiss him, assured him that it must have been god.
Now that Cas found himself standing within this white expanse, alive in it but also a part of it, he knew that this wasn’t God.
He looked around, trying to orient himself. He found his human body nestled up in his core, hands clasped in a way that almost looked like he was holding on to something, gently, carefully. He had now unfolded out of it, his form almost blending into the space around him, sparkling, vast, warm. Content.
“Nice, isn’t it?” Castiel’s form shifted and now he looked down at Jack standing ahead of him, looking at him with a small smile. He was wearing a suit of shining lavender fabric. Cas tilted his head, studying him with more eyes.
“Amara,” he greeted. Amara rewarded him with a small smile. “Where is this?”
“Everywhere,” she said then she tilted her head slightly with a pensive expression. “Nowhere.” Castiel’s wings ruffled in exasperation. These vague answers were starting to grate on him. “A long time ago, my brother spoke of this. A spark of something that wanted to be born. Being in its purest form,” she explained.
“Why am I here?” Castiel asked, his voice dancing like stars through space, ruffling Amara’s blonde hair. “I was in the Empty. I was…” Castiel startled, looking down towards his human form, still cradling something. The phone! Dean!
At once Cas was back in his human body, feeling the phone in his hands, standing opposite Amara now, studying her.
“The Shadow poured everything that my brother had destroyed before its time into you. I can fix it now. I can’t use my brother’s powers properly. I am merely holding on to them for the most part until my brother has learned his lesson. But in this place, with you and creation inside you, I can return everything to how it used to be.”
“All the worlds will be restored?” Castiel wondered.
“Yes. And more importantly; balance will be restored.” Amara assured him. Castiel shook his head.
“But at what cost? If I will be returned to Earth then everything that’s been awake in the Empty follows in my wake,” Castiel argued while Amara regarded him mildly. “Maybe some angels will come back, helping stabilize Heaven. But demons will be unleashed too. And things that predate even you!”
“Yes,” Amara agreed, much to Castiel’s frustration.
“You can’t do that to Dean!” he shouted into the gentle silence of this realm. Amara started laughing and even though the sound was so painfully familiar that the ache Castiel felt almost outweighed his surprise.
“Castiel, the beings will find their place not necessarily in your world. There is a multitude of universes.” She smiled at him. “And I might not be my brother, but I too am interested in how your story continues. Don’t worry. It won’t end before its time,” she promised, then she nodded. “Now go.”
“Wait-“
The world fell away again, the rush of light swiftly turning into darkness almost making him nauseous. He opened his eyes a slit, seeing the Empty before him, but then the Shadow waved and the ground beneath Cas crumbled.
Ping!
Castiel groaned and turned onto his back. He felt uncomfortable, not quite in pain, but ill at ease. He carefully blinked his eyes open and instantly closed them again when bright sunlight shone into them. Castiel had to remind himself that this was just an impulse of his human body. He could stare into the sun as much as he liked. He was an angel after all. He opened his eyes again, seeing bright blue sky and the sun high up.
He was on earth. Back in that field where Cas had woken up the first time. He heaved himself up into a sitting position.
His phone vibrated in his pocket, the ring tune jarring against the peaceful nature sounds. Castiel pulled it out.
Huh. Full signal.
He picked up the call.
“Hello, Dean.”
“Damn it, Cas. I had hoped that once my text message came through that you’d have reception again. I didn’t think it’d take another 4 damn weeks!”
“I’m sorry,” Cas said but he didn’t feel sorry at all. He tilted his head back and let himself fall into the grass, enjoying the sound of nature and the warm sunlight.
“Okay, I talked to Sam about it and he agrees that you’re being a dumbass. Whatever will hitch a ride with you, Cas, the good and the bad, we’ll deal with it. We dealt with it when Chuck tried to relive his greatest hits and we’ll deal with again now. But please. Please come home.”
Castiel opened his eyes, looking up into the sky. He didn’t know what had been revived, but the soft hum of angel radio was starting up again, nothing insistent yet, though he could hear some confused voices of brothers and sisters pluck at his consciousness. With a sigh he heaved himself up into a sitting position.
“I don’t… I don’t want to do this on the phone Cas. But I am gonna beg if I have to. Dude… I’m gonna make you every promise on earth, just… come back,” Dean said, calling Cas’ attention back to the phone call. “I-“ A muffled sound came through the phone and then Dean screamed. “Son of a bitch!!” Alarmed, Cas sprang up on his feet.
“Dean? Dean, what happened?!” Cas called anxiously, but he only heard Dean shout something else, but it seemed more annoyed than it did alarmed.
“You stay right there, don’t touch anything!” Cas heard Dean say as he apparently came back to his phone. “Cas? Crowley just popped up next to me. Are you… out?” Cas froze.
“Uhm. Yes… I’m where I woke up last. In a field.” There was a long stretch of silence. Cas was able to hear Crowley talk in the background.
“They’re still doing this nonsense?” Crowley said.
“I… what?” Cas could hear Sam answer.
“Cas,” Dean finally said, his voice carefully neutral. “You could have started the phone call with that, buddy.”
“Uhm… I’m sorry. I’m a bit disoriented,” Cas said though it wasn’t entirely true. Overwhelmed might have been the right term.
“Oh,” Dean said, his voice soft now, losing its tense edge at once. “Yeah, of course. I’ll pick you up. Okay? Just stay there. I’ll be with you in a moment.”
“Yes… Thank you, Dean,” Castiel answered, feeling warmed.
“Okay. Well… See you later.” Dean hesitated but eventually the call terminated. Castiel wasn’t sure how long he’d have to wait for Dean, but it didn’t matter. He lifted his head toward the sky again and breathed in deeply.
He listened in to angel radio, how it slowly picked up its harmony again, as more voices joined in, after it had been so painfully silent. He didn’t know what was going to happen and who had made it out, but at least Heaven would not fall to pieces now that it had more angels to power it.
The sounds of wings alerted him to a presence. Castiel knew who it was, but still he braced himself as he turned around. Naomi regarded him with a calculating look.
“So it was you.”
“Seems like it,” Castiel said, not sure what to make of her expression. Naomi tilted her head and studied him. “How is Heaven?”
“Fuller. Michael and I certainly have our work cut out for us for the next couple of centuries,” she said, but before Cas could ask what that meant she continued: “you’ve changed.” Naomi was almost squinting now as she looked at him though she clearly was trying to remain calm and collected.
“I don’t feel any different,” Cas said defensively. Naomi didn’t explain what she was seeing in him and eventually she huffed and straightened her suit.
“The worlds around have been returned into existence but the barriers are fragile and porose. Portals might be opening everywhere. Not to speak of all the demons and other creatures the Empty released along with you and the angels. We’re in a delicate situation now.” Castiel nodded, unsure where this was going. “You best serve us if you stay here on Earth.”
“Oh…” Naomi’s expression could almost be called smug. So Castiel lifted his head defiantly. “I have no plans to return to Heaven.”
“No, of course you don’t,” she said dismissively. Castiel narrowed his eyes at her. Maybe if Dean could hurry up, then he’d be spared a tedious conversation with her. “There was something inside of you that always defied the will of Heaven. No matter how hard I worked to bring you into line, and no matter how hard anyone worked to get rid of you, we were never successful.” Castiel sighed internally. Of course. Naomi studied him, but her eyes looked past his vessel, studying him in a way that made him feel exposed, as if the barrier of his vessel was gone and he right back in that chair in Heaven. “There’s something raw and stubborn about you. It’s always been there, from the moment I came to see you the first time. I see the same in you now, just as bright as it was the day you were made.” Castiel looked down at himself, at his human hands, then he looked at Naomi, who – to his surprise – didn’t look displeased with him for once. She seemed interested.
“Amara took me to some place that I can hardly describe. It wasn’t even… a place, as much as it was a being. Maybe you can still pick up on its imprint on me,” he explained. Naomi hummed, still looking. But after a while, she lifted her head, seemingly listening to something Castiel couldn’t her, then nodded.
“Heaven will be in touch,” she told him and then she disappeared with a flap of her wings.
“Why does that sound like a warning?” Castiel asked with a barely repressed sigh. But at least it seemed like Naomi had Heaven under control and that he didn’t have to fear Heaven’s imminent retaliation. He didn’t expect Heaven or any of the angels to be grateful for their resurrection, especially not towards Castiel, since none of it was in his hands. He wanted out and he had no choice but taking everyone who was awake with him.
Castiel felt some lingering discomfort in his celestial body. It seemed like the Empty had used him as a portal out of which it forced all the demons, angels and other creatures back into the world of the living. Castiel was no stranger to the feeling of carrying souls inside of him, but somehow the thought made him queasy now. He felt both oddly hollow but also full still. Maybe his uneasy reaction was to be expected; it hadn’t ended well for him the last time and he really hoped nothing all that bad had been released through him. And that nothing had decided to stay inside him.
Castiel was still looking inside himself, trying to take stock beyond the vessel, by the time he noticed Dean’s arrival. He could recognize the sound of the car and the warmth of Dean’s soul anywhere. He started walking, crossing the summer fields towards the unpaved dirt road.
The Impala gleamed in the sun as the car approached and Dean stopped a distance off from him. Castiel could see him in the car, hesitating, before he threw open the door and got out.
Castiel’s heart seized and he couldn’t say anything or move as he watched Dean’s eyes find his. His body seemed tense and he slammed the door shut with more force than probably necessary. But his steps towards Castiel became less hesitant the closer he got and Cas was treated to the sight of Dean’s stern face melting into a relieved smile.
“Cas,” Dean said, when he was within reach.
“Hello,” was all Castiel managed to say and he had to swallow against a lump in his throat that burned. Ah, he was crying again. Of course. But here Dean was, alive, beautiful in the summer sun. His hair was longer, he had a beard and dark circles under his eyes. But he was here and he was a sight for sore eyes. “Thank you for picking me up,” he said even though he wanted to tell him he loved him again. Dean shook his head, but he was still smiling and then Cas was pulled into a strong hug.
“You crazy son of a bitch. I can’t believe you made it out,” Dean said and Cas buried his face in Dean’s shoulder, still crying. One of Dean’s hand drifted to his back and patted him gently. “You’re okay, Cas. It’s okay.”
Cas was grateful that Dean didn’t try to end the hug before Cas was ready. But eventually Cas had to draw back and he reluctantly lifted his hands to wipe at his eyes. He was grateful that Dean still had one of his arms around Cas’ waist, a warm hand holding Cas close.
“Sorry,” he mumbled. Dean’s hand patted his back and then Dean took a step away. Cas realized that Dean’s eyes were red and wet as well. They looked at each other, Dean not speaking and Cas could see that Dean was getting somewhat tense. Cas really had had no time to think about what it would be like to see Dean again. Was Dean uncomfortable? Or possibly even angry?
“So… uh,” Dean started but then immediately pressed his lips together and fell silent when Castiel looked into his eyes. Cas didn’t dare to speak now, unsure what Dean was building up to. “Any more secrets you’re keeping? Any deals that keep you from being happy or anything else?” he asked.
“No…” Cas answered. “But we don’t know what me being here unleashed on the earth. And I’m sorry about that Dean… I fear there’s never a no strings attached win when it comes to me,” Cas confessed, feeling weighed down by that. Dean’s face fell and Cas had to avert his eyes.
“Cas… We’re gonna deal with that if it comes to it. The important thing is that you’re back,” Dean assured him. “Hell, I’d fight Chuck again if it meant getting you back. You’re family, Cas. It killed me that we won against Chuck but you weren’t there.” Cas looked back up, finding Dean’s expression to be open and vulnerable, just like he had seen it in Purgatory and back in the Bunker dungeon. Cas wasn’t sure what to say, suspended between gratitude and guilt.
“Thank you, Dean,” was all he managed to get out. He thought that maybe this was all that Dean had wanted to get out, but instead of them heading towards the car, Dean kept standing there in front of him.
“And the… Empty? You don’t get pulled back in if you are happy?” Dean wondered, sounding unsure.
“Oh,” Cas said and watched Dean’s face fall instantly.
“The deal’s still on…?” Dean asked and Cas shook his head.
“No, that’s not what I meant. I held up my end of the deal. I just realized that I’m free of this burden now,” he admitted and Dean’s shoulders relaxed.
“So nothing between you and your happiness? Because man, on top of losing you, the knowledge that you were never truly happy haunted me,” Dean admitted, but then he turned, motioning his hand for Cas to follow him back to the car.
“I’m sorry, Dean. I didn’t want to burden you with the knowledge of the deal or… or my…” Cas faltered. Dean stopped at the car and turned around to look at Cas. Cas heaved a sigh. “I never wanted to burden you.”
“Yes, I understand that, Cas, believe me. And I’m sorry,” he said looking at Cas with a serious expression. Cas tensed, unsure what was to come. A rejection? He had made his peace with that a long time ago, but would it still hurt to hear it? Dean studied his face and eventually he heaved a sigh. “Damn it, Cas. Knowing that you love me is not a burden, okay? I wish I’d known. I knew you cared about me, but I didn’t get it.”
“I don’t know, Dean… I didn’t know how to talk about it, to anyone…,” Castiel said, finally coming to stand next to Dean. Dean heaved a sigh, leaning back against his car. He put one hand into his pocket and the other he reached out towards Cas, waving at him. Cas wasn’t sure what was going on, but he also settled against the car. Dean put his arm around Cas’ shoulder and pulled him close.
“That must have been lonely,” Dean said and Cas just shrugged, puzzled about Dean showing him this affection, but glad to have it nonetheless. “I don’t know how I’d have reacted if you told me at any other time. I’m not really good at the whole talking about emotions crap.”
“I know,” Cas said, somewhat amused. “But neither am I.”
“I don’t know, Cas. That was a pretty good speech you whipped out there. If I didn’t think we were dying, if I didn’t realize that you were gonna sacrifice yourself to save me, then I would probably have been able to appreciate it a bit more,” Dean admitted.
“I’m so-“
“Don’t apologize, man. I get it. You did it because you saw no other way out. And I’m grateful. I think if you hadn’t told me all the things you did, I might not have been strong enough to break out of Chuck’s narrative.” Cas looked up at Dean, but Dean was looking out into the field, golden in the sunlight, buzzing with insects and alive with bird song. “And I did have time to think about it now. When I thought I had lost you for good, I really… Cas, it always really messed me up to lose you.” Dean now turned away from the field to look at Cas, his expression earnest. “And I don’t know… Maybe I’m just an idiot. I would have continued on with what we had, happy, never even thinking that there could be more.”
“It’s the same for me, Dean. Nothing has to change,” Cas promised him. Dean heaved a sigh and turned around fully to look Cas in the eye.
“Cas,” he started. “That’s just it. I’m ready for it to change.” Cas stared up at him, awed and unable to say anything. He took note of how slow Dean was when he leaned in closer, watching for Cas’ reaction but whatever he was looking for, he must have found it because he leaned in and then his lips covered Cas’. It was a soft touch and it almost sent Cas to his knees. Dean drew back and studied Cas. But then he grinned.
“Are you… do you mean that?” Cas finally managed to ask, almost dreading the answer, but Dean nodded.
“Yeah, one hundred percent,” Dean vowed, then he clapped Cas’ shoulder. “Come on, let’s get you home.” Cas was stunned, but he did go around the car and slipped into the passenger seat. He stared at Dean in awe. Dean winked at him. Cas felt an immense weight lift off his chest right then and there and he felt like he could start crying, so instead he laughed.
“I love you, Dean,” he said and wiped his eyes. He was happy, there was no reason to cry. Dean smiled at him.
“I love you too, Cas,” Dean said, his voice soft and almost shy, even though his expression was determined. He breathed in deeply. “Huh, feels kinda good to say that.”
“It feels very good to hear that,” Cas admitted softly. Dean sent him a small smile, then he finally started the car.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah,” Cas decided and got comfortable in his seat. His coat was rumbled under him and he felt the shape of his phone dig into his leg. He pulled the coat free and then grabbed his phone. Claire had send him a thumbs up emoji.
“We really have to send your phone service provider a gift basket or something,” Dean said. “I can’t remember how many times Sam and I were stuck with no cell service all around the US and there you are, in the freaking Empty.”
“Well, the signal wasn’t very reliable, the Empty should definitely work on that,” Cas said with a smile. Dean laughed. Then he turned on the radio, blasting his music. And then they started the journey back home, windows open to let in the summer breeze. Dean sang along to the music, his voice sounding a bit scratchy as if he hadn’t done this in a while. And Castiel watched, his heart full to the brim with such profound love and happiness. For the first time the happiness fully belonged to him and hopefully this was just the start.
End