Gather The Stars

by FIREWORK (blaspheme)

Summary:

Hardly ten hours out from the confirmation of his debut, Jay lays in bed, trying not to scream into his pillow, wondering when he became so stupid as to develop a crush on a coworker before their first day of work has even begun.

Jay debuts. Kind of. The debut is later, in November, and there will be a music video and stage and album to match. The whole shebang. This isn't a debut, this is confirmation to debut but it’s more than he ever dreamed and it’s real. He buries his face in his palms, lights flashing and soundtrack blaring overhead as he tries not to crumble to pieces while dressed in the stupidest renaissance fair fit this side of the equator. He sort-of-debuts, and as the sound of his name rings through his ears it’s like he sees every minute of his trainee life flash before his eyes, gruelling practice and countless tears and his swallowed hopes and stubborn dreams. Like his brain is grabbing him by the shoulders, shaking him, saying, “we did it. look, we fucking did it.”

Jay makes his way over to the line ups, face split in the stupidest grin he’s ever worn, and it takes every ounce of self control to stop himself from ripping his shirt off and whooping expletives at the top of his lungs in front of God and BangPD and everybody.

After him, it’s Jungwon. Jungwon sort of debuts with his eyes blown wide and his voice cracking around every word and Jay claps, sparks skittering off his palms and electricity crackling in his veins. He pulls Jungwon in a hug, keeping his head on the side away from the camera. “Fuck yeahhhh.” He hisses gleefully, if only to make Jungwon’s lips tremble with the effort of maintaining any semblance of calm. Jungwon may be a snarky little terror, but he’s not a downright maniac like him or Jake or the rest of them, so he probably doesn’t have the same caveman impulses that Jay is battling at the moment. But Jay whispers his little bit and he hears the slightest startled snort of laughter, and he glances over his shoulder to see Jungwon bury his face in Heeseung’s shirt, eyes dancing with light and brimming with tears.

Jay stands there, ears hot, throat thick, palms trembling. He’s debuting. With Niki and Jake and Jungwon and Heeseung — fuck he’s so glad Heeseung made it and—

“Park Sunghoon.” The MC says, and the music swells, and Jay watches as Sunghoon folds in on himself, legs losing strength, cheeks puffing out with the shaky sigh of relief that rattles through his body. He lets the others crowd him, obediently hooking his chin over Sunoo’s shoulder when he’s pulled into a hug. He looks as though his guts have been scooped out and strewn across the stage. He looks as though he’s dreaming with his eyes wide open.

Jay claps, hard enough for his palms to burn red. Jay cheers, loud enough to run his voice raw. Jay lurches forwards with the rest of them, the rest of his team, circling Sunghoon and gripping onto his dumb puffy vest and babbling congratulations and comforts and quips alike.

Sunghoon takes his hand. Sort of. Jay moreso reaches for Sunghoon but then Niki interjects with moderate confusion turning it into a three way handshake, somehow, and Jungwon’s just standing there still looking mildly shell shocked and they can hardly hear themselves over the sweeping orchestra. Jay can feel Heeseung shake with hysterical laughter from behind him, out of the camera’s reach. He doesn’t turn around to confirm it.

“Sunghoon-ah.” He says, and then he can’t say anything else, throat thick with emotion too bright to even begin to name. He flexes his palm, face split so wide around his smile his cheeks have begun to ache. “Sunghoon-ah.”

Sunghoon’s eyes glance over him. Hardly seeing, hardly registering. Jay feels sweat slick between the creases of their palm, and gives one final squeeze before backing off. He lets Sunghoon float to Heeseung, turns his back to the camera and bites back a smile.

Later, he will remember a flutter in his ribcage, the flit of a sparrow’s wings somewhere between his lungs. He will remember the spinning sort of nausea that bubbles in his veins. He will remember worry and wanting, fingers twitching by his sides, aching to slot themselves back in the spaces of Sunghoon’s hands. Feelings he’s almost aware of then, feelings that worm their ways into the corners of his mind to turn over later. Feelings he knows he will have to confront, to unpack, to understand.

But in the moment, all he knows is his own exhilaration, the deafening music, and the way Sunoo’s face crumples with relief as he’s announced as the last member to make it to debut.

[+]

When they get to the dorms, the first thing they all do is run around and make loud noises of delight at the sight of basic appliances. Jay’s pretty sure he hears Sunoo moan when he sees the gas stove.

The second thing that happens is a crash course on turning off the cameras.

“We want content.” Says the exhausted looking PD, round wire glasses perched neatly on the edge of her mask. “We’re not trying to be Big Brother. You need to have important conversations, call family, swear, watch a raunchy movie — whatever. Kill them and then turn them back on when you’re done.”

They bow, ninety degrees, thanking her in unison, and she waves them off with a smile that makes folds in the corners of her eyes. “Just make sure you remember to turn them on!” She laughs, before letting them know that they’ll film their first meal together in about ten minutes. They have some time then, cameraless time, to acquaint themselves with the dorm, to find stowaway spots for valuables, to stand in the bathroom and curse at the top of their lungs. At least that’s what Jake decides to do, for some reason. Jay’s in the kitchen, rummaging through the cupboards to try and see just how many packs of ramen they can cram in there, but every heavily Australian accented “FUCK” that comes echoing down the hall has him in stitches.

“Jake’s weird.” Sunghoon mutters, sidling up to Jay at the kitchen counter. His disdain is marred by his giggling, which pitches in intensity when Jake lets another curse rip. “Seriously, it sounds like he’s dying.”

Jay wheezes, leaning down until his forehead is pressed against the cool countertop. “Aussies curse every other word so I think he’s trying to get it out of his system.” He snickers. He feels flushed, feverish, frantic. It still doesn’t feel real, somehow. It probably won’t until later that night, when Jay wakes up in a cold sweat, mid-spiral about the horrifying mortal ordeal of being known. He tilts his cheek, relishing the chill against his skin, grinning up at Sunghoon. “I don’t blame him.” He whispers, winking.

Something in Sunghoon’s eyes goes soft, the way cotton candy melts on the tongue. He reaches out a hand, smoothing back Jay’s hair. It crunches a little, sticky with sweat and hairspray, and it brings heat to Jay’s ears and a smile to the corner of Sunghoon’s mouth. “You’re a jackass.” He says, impossibly fond. He doesn’t whisper, or murmur, but it’s still quiet and gentle and calm. “I’m glad I get to debut with you.”

There’s a heat that settles on the back of Jay’s neck then. It flares when Sunghoon settles next to him on the tile floor, when he watches the Sunghoon on TV kick his leg out as he lands from a triple axel, when Sunghoon laughs and says that Jay was the one to help him debut, when they catch their hands together after watching their performance and congratulate each other on a job well done. It grows hotter with each moment, with every glancing touch and side-eyed smile, until Jay falls asleep on top of his covers, certain that were he to crawl under them he would light his sheets on fire.

But it is only hours later, in the middle of the night, after waking up in a cold sweat does Jay finally realize just what is going on. He sits there, hunched over on his bed so as to not bump his head on the bunk above him. He hardly wants to breathe because Sunghoon is right above him, soft snores carrying through the air. Jay shudders at the sound, digging his nail into his arm.

“Fuck.” He whispers into his palm, voice breathy and soft. He doesn’t know how to turn off the cameras in the dark. He feels caged in and laid bare, all at once. He thinks about debut, about Sunghoon’s sweat-slicked palm sliding away from his own, about the two of them backlit by red LEDs and moving in perfect unison. Sunghoon sighs in his sleep. Heat rushes to Jay’s face.

Jay flops back into bed, rolling over into his pillow, gently pounding his fist into his mattress. It does nothing to relieve the anxiety, to unwind the growing ball of tension rapidly winding in his stomach. He feels like he’s going to fucking explode, here, in his new bedroom, with his newfound family fast asleep around him and the burning red light of a GoPro strapped to his bed frame just above his head, with a sparrow still trapped in his ribcage, frantically fluttering, its wings bruising his bones as it tries to escape his cage. Jay wants to yell, he wants to run until his feet break and bleed, wants to stick his fingers down his throat and throw up, wants to feel Sunghoon’s fingers laced between his own once more—

Hardly ten hours out from the confirmation of his debut, Jay lays in bed, trying not to scream into his pillow, wondering when he became so stupid as to develop a crush on a coworker before their first day of work has even begun.

[+]

Jay’s first instinct is to go talk to Heeseung about it. Heeseung’s an idiot but that doesn’t mean he’s dumb. He’s filled with the worldly sort of wisdom that most old men have, and he tends to sit and nod sagely whenever anyone comes to him with any sort of problem. Sometimes it’s just him falling asleep but most of the time he’s on the ball about these sorts of things.

But he’s out of the picture because Jay failed to consider his raging attraction to men before becoming a kpop idol. He’s not like, buried in the closet — he came out to his parents in a flood of tears the day after he got accepted to BigHit. He’s not ashamed of it either, it’s just that it kind of feels like he missed the boat on this one. Coming out to someone four years after you became their friend isn't wrong, per se, but it’s awkward when you’ve known about your inclinations long before you even met them. Like you don’t trust them, like you don’t think they’re worthy enough of your secrets.

Maybe it’s the coward’s way out. It probably is, and it leaves a bad taste in Jay’s mouth. He doesn’t do these things, it’s not in his nature. He’s the type to forge ahead without hesitation, to leave it all behind in favour of tomorrow. He’s not a brooder, or a wallower. He thinks, yes, but he acts above all else. At least when it’s only himself on the line. But now, fresh to debut and still aching from the absences of the friends they had to leave behind, there’s simply no room within their team for this baggage, this load.

He can’t go to Jake about this, because Jake is nice and Jay doesn’t need nice at the moment. Jake would probably tell him that they all only have one shot and that he deserves to be happy or some bullshit. Sweet and sentimental but idealistic. Sunghoon’s the better one between the two of them in terms of realistic advice. He’s a big fan of telling Jay to get his head out of his ass no matter the situation. But considering that this problem is a result of Sunghoon himself, that’s not exactly the best plan.

And Jay really, really doesn’t wanna go to the kids about this. They’re too young for his bullshit, too preoccupied with other things to make room on their plates for him. Besides, that’s not what a hyung should do. He’s not such a traditionalist to think that he should choke on his own feelings in favour of talking to someone younger than him, but Jay’s always been of the belief that the only troubles you bring to your juniors are small issues concerning self-esteem or diets or strange birthmarks that you think might be cancer. Not whatever the fuck Jay’s grappling with, that’s for sure.

But as the days pass and the plans for their debut start to come together, it builds and boils to an extreme. Jay is not a wallower, but he’s also not an ignorer. He can’t just push aside his feelings in hopes of them fading away, he needs a plan of action, and he needs one fast. The longer he lets this sit, the more worried the team becomes, side-eyeing him in the dorms and saying cryptic but supportive statements that are code for talk to us, dumbass.

Eventually they run out of patience, evidenced by Jungwon bodily sitting down on Jay’s lap and saying bluntly, “Hyung, what’s wrong with you?”

Jay appreciates the fact that he chose to do this in the privacy of one of the HYBE building’s many nooks and crannies, and not in their dorm in front of all the members. He doesn’t appreciate Jungwon’s hands planted firmly on either side of his head, nor the piercing gaze that seems to be trying to bore holes into his body. “Jungwon-ah, please move.” He mutters awkwardly, not quite sure where to look. “This is a really uncomfortable position.”

Jungwon puckers his lips and starts making the grossest noises Jay’s ever heard in his entire life, so he doesn’t really feel much remorse when he pushes Jungwon off of him and onto the ground. Jungwon yells as he falls, catching himself on one of the cushions and pushing himself up with a pout. “You’re so mean hyung!” He whines, smacking Jay mercilessly on the arm. “I’m trying to give you advice and you treat me like this?”

“You were assaulting me.”

“With love!”

“Wretched child.” Jay grumbles, digging his pointer finger into Jungwon’s head. “Horrid, terrible thing.”

Jungwon smacks his hand away, scowling. “See, you’re being weird!” He cries, getting to his feet and crossing his arms. It’s probably an attempt to look intimidating, but Jungwon is about as intimidating as a rubber ducky, so it’s not that effective. If anything it’s downright adorable, and Jay has to bite the inside of his cheek to stop himself from smiling. Jungwon, either unaware of his own adorableness or simply not caring, continues, saying, “Normally you’d act all chic and start ruffling my hair, not call me names!”

Jay winces. He knows that he’s kind of got a schtick but damn. He really is easy to read. “Sorry Jungwon-ah.” He obediently ruffles Jungwon’s hair, even as the younger continues to glare at him. “I’ll get it together, I promise.” He tries to soothe, clearly failing as Jungwon’s only reaction is another deep huff and an eyeroll.

“I don’t want you to promise to get it together.” He grumbles, climbing back up onto the couch, leaning his head on Jay’s shoulder. Jay continues to pet him the entire way. “I want you to trust me. Or the others. Just let us help you hyung.”

Ah, the kid knows how to hit where it hurts. Jay bites his lip, ducking his head. Jungwon lets him, simply lying against Jay’s body and waiting. He’s a good kid, a brat but a good one, and Jay’s fingers falter in Jungwon’s hair simply under the weight of his own emotion. “I’m glad I’m debuting with you.” Jay sighs, and Jungwon snorts, smacking his arm. “Ow, it’s true!”

“Thank you hyung.” Jungwon says sweetly, sincerely, but still with the slightest bit of snark. “However, I really would like for you to stop beating around the bush.”

Jay pokes him, and Jungwon pokes him back and they devolve into a full on tickle fight that lasts for about three minutes before Jay finally concedes. He sighs deeply, running a hand through his hair. “I realized something the day of the finale.” He starts slowly, hesitantly. He can’t come right out and admit it, can’t risk the team with his own stupid feelings. But he has to give Jungwon something because he deserves that at the very least. He continues, shakily, saying, “It’s something that I think could hurt the group if I say it, but clearly I’m not doing well trying to work through it on my own.”

Jungwon’s eyes flood with concern. “Is it your family?” He asks, hushed but urgent.

Jay shakes his head, laughing a little. “It’s nothing too serious.” He pats Jungwon’s head again. “It’s something personal. Honestly it’s something stupid.”

Jungwon hums, tilting his head, directing Jay’s touch in a certain way. “Something you can’t say?”

Jay obliges him. “Something like that.”

They sit in silence for a moment, quiet and contemplative. Jungwon’s thinking is so loud that Jay can practically hear it. It’s sweet, the way he commits himself so wholeheartedly to the happiness of each and every member, the way he’s approaching even Jay’s dumb shit with such sincerity. He hasn’t even tried to convince Jay to speak, content to work within the absolutely bizarre limitations of the situations. He’s a good kid, a kid that Jay is more than privileged to know, a kid he’s blessed to be able to work alongside.

“You’re not hurting, are you?” Jungwon eventually asks, quiet and concerned. He doesn’t look up at Jay but rather he fists his hand on Jay’s sleeve, as if he’s trying to tether him, trying to make him stay. “Like, whatever it is, it’s not hurting you, right?”

Jay laughs quietly. “Not yet, at least.” He says, half humorous but wholly honest. “It’s more like just… a constant worry. Quiet though. Not that bad.”

Jungwon makes a small noise of sympathy. “I’m sorry hyung.” He breathes, hugging Jay tighter with his trembling arms. It makes Jay’s heart ache, though it’s something he’s been on the receiving end of many times before. Jungwon feels with them, for them. He cries when they cry and laughs when they laugh, regardless of whether the source of their joy or sorrow has anything to do with him at all. He’s so empathetic, almost to a fault, but Jay could never even think of faulting Jungwon for having a heart too big for his body.

“I already feel better talking to you.” Jay says, with enough honesty to surprise himself. There’s no plan of attack, no call to action, no steps to follow to lead him out and through. But the tightness in his chest has abated, just the slightest bit, and it’s enough for him to breathe easier. Maybe this is how he should do it, he wonders. Let it out, bit by bit, like a punctured and deflating balloon. Accept it and discuss it in the smallest increments until it doesn’t feel as raw. Until they’re feelings to be considered fondly rather than a burning desire that can’t be quelled.

Jungwon looks up at Jay hopefully. “So I was able to help?” He asks, not out of a desire to be praised but out of his genuine wish to ease the pain of those around him. His voice is soft and sweet and it makes Jay smile, makes him ruffle Jungwon’s hair fondly for what might be the hundredth time since they met.

“Yup.” Jay grins, and his smile only broadens when Jungwon’s face lights up with relief.

It’s not direct. It’s not the path straight through. It’s not Jay’s usual course of action, but the things he would normally do aren’t a possibility anymore. These feelings, though newly discovered, are too overwhelming to suppress. And they concern more than just him, so much so that if he were to bluntly confess like he normally would, he wouldn’t just risk everything he had worked for, but the efforts of his closest friends as well.

Jay’s never been one for the waiting game, but it appears that the process of debut involves testing his limits in ways he never considered before.

[+]

There’s one morning which feels more like a fever dream the longer Jay thinks about it. It happens a few days after his talk with Jungwon, a few days after he resolved to let nature take its course. It starts with a relative sense of normal, him and Niki and Jake watching with mild fascination as Heeseung falls asleep mid-chew at breakfast.

“Does he just forget that he’s eating?” Niki mumbles, enthralled. “Is he just so tired he forgets to be a human being?”

Jay elects not to point out the fact that Niki’s no better, still so deep in sleep’s clutches that he keeps ending his sentences in Japanese. “Four years and it’s still hilarious.” He says instead, snickering.

“Maybe his brain hasn’t turned on yet.” Jake suggests, spooning cereal into his own mouth. “Maybe he’s low on battery.”

“Hyung, he’s not actually a robot.”

“That’s what he wants you to think.” Jake whispers conspiratorially, quickly ducking when Niki and Jay start to pelt him with napkins. “Ow, hey, stop abusing me!”

“Deserve.” Jay snarks in English, sticking his tongue out when Jake scowls at him, and it’s at this moment that Sunghoon barrels into the kitchen, eyes wide and mildly crazed.

“Hey Jay-ah.” He says, voice raspy. “I need to talk to you.” He grabs Jay by the arm and drags him to his feet, and Jay barely has the time to shoot a bewildered look over his shoulder before he’s yanked into the dressing room.

“Woah there.” He laughs nervously, doing his best to shoot the horrible gay goblin in his brain between the eyes. It keeps yelling about Sunghoon pinning him against the wall and kissing him senseless, which is incredibly distracting, and Jay would like to be aware of his surroundings if it turns out that Sunghoon is in the midst of an emotional breakdown and about to fucking kill him, or something. Jay hesitantly pats Sunghoon’s arm in what he hopes is a comforting manner. “All good?”

“I was on twitter.” Sunghoon responds, and Jay immediately winces. Sunghoon waves him off. “Yeah, yeah, I know, bad idea. Anyways, have you ever wanted to erase the way you’re perceived by the world at large and start over from the beginning?”

Jay has no idea how to even begin unpacking that. “Not really,” he starts carefully. “But I presume that you’re not actually that curious about what I have to say and you just want to rant.”

“...a little?” Sunghoon admits with moderate guilt, but he quickly follows it with “But I am actually curious ‘cause, like, you have your embarrassing past and all.”

“Jesus Christ.” Jay groans, shoving at Sunghoon. “In regards to that I only wish I didn’t cry so fucking ugly that one time. RAS is great branding and BTS-sunbaenim told me to own it and I am a devoted disciple who will do nothing but spread the good word.”

“When did you get religious.” Sunghoon laughs, and Jay’s heart does a stupid little dance, the juvenile joy of a crush laughing at your joke is eternal, apparently. But Sunghoon sobers quickly, and Jay’s own elation goes away just as fast. “I just feel… trapped.”

“Trapped?” Jay echoes, shoving his hands in his pockets and tilting his head.

“Like, the ice prince thing is fun.” Sunghoon paces, sweeping his hand back and through his hair, revealing the folds in his forehead as he scowls. “But it’s not all of me. I’m not a dainty little ice fairy, I’m a guy.”

Jay frowns. “I don’t think I follow.”

“Like.” Sunghoon starts, and then stops, groaning with frustration and sinking down into a squat. Jay moves with him, shifting his weight to better balance on the balls of his toes. Sunghoon notices and his frustration wanes for just a moment as he laughs fondly.

“Like?” Jay echoes again, trying to prompt Sunghoon gently.

Sunghoon sighs. “I know that I leaned into the figure skater thing for I-Land.” He mutters, a little ashamed. “And I’m not embarrassed by it, and I don’t regret it, but… I’m an idol now, y’know?”

Jay nods slowly, certain he’s starting to get the picture. “You went on twitter and they were just talking about you as a figure skater.”

Sunghoon smiles wryly. “Not just that. They keep calling me things like pretty, or beautiful, and that’s fine. A compliment is a compliment, and it’s well intentioned but…” He flops onto his butt with a little sound of exertion, and looks at Jay with a strange twist to his mouth. “I sometimes wish I got called the same things you did.”

Jay blinks, and then frowns. “You wanna be called scary?” He asks incredulously.

Sunghoon stares back, equally perplexed. “No?” He asks, shaking his head and leaning forwards. “I mean like, hot or handsome. Wait, people think you’re scary?”

“We really need to address your incredible ability to not know anything ever at any given point in time.” Jay scoffs. “Seriously. Scary is one of the first descriptors people gave me. If you stop lurking in the horny parts of the fandom then maybe you’ll find some people who don’t feminize you to hell and back.”

“Ew, okay, it wasn’t that bad.” Sunghoon gags a little, and Jay can’t help but laugh. Sunghoon just pouts. “Still, I just…” He trails off, waving vaguely. “Y’know?”

And Jay kind of does. They had been warned about this early on, even before they started I-Land. That it’s easy for fans to fall into patterns and assumptions, that they latch onto titles and terms with a sort of ferocity. Jay’s the kind of guy to just sort of roll with anything. His catch-all terms aren’t so bad; passionate, stubborn, embarrassing. The sort of thing that feels annoying but endearing at the same time.

But there’s a difference here. Jay’s being defined by a past that is close, a past that is bundled with his future. Sunghoon’s being marked by his time in what is essentially another world. Not only that, but it’s the source of assumptions, of stereotyping. They all have ghost twitter accounts, they’ve all seen the shit people say about them. It’s enough to make Jay’s skin crawl sometimes. He can’t even imagine how it feels to be the one being talked about like that. In a way Sunghoon’s right, he is lucky that he looks so tough, so rugged, that he doesn’t have to find hundreds of people talking about how delicate and breakable he is, as if they want to bruise him with their own two hands.

Okay, but you’re into that. Says his dumb lizard brain, completely unprompted, and Jay really wishes he could turn that shit off already.

“I’m sorry.” Jay says sincerely, simultaneously smothering the deranged gay part of his head that keeps thinking about getting railed. “I hate that you have to see this shit.”

Sunghoon smiles at him, a little weary, a little awkward. These types of talks aren’t usually their thing, their relationship having been built on snark and sarcasm and stupid senseless spats. Sincerity is a rarity in their past, but Jay’s thinking it’s not so bad if it means he gets to see Sunghoon’s eyes sparkle this way. “I don’t mind being called pretty.” Sunghoon repeats, as if trying to placate Jay, running his hand through his hair. “I just wish that being called a prince didn’t mean people forgot that I was a man.” He pauses then, frowning. “That didn’t make sense, did it.”

“Not even a little.” Jay deadpans back, breaking when Sunghoon lets out the ugliest snort of a laugh. He leans forwards, slapping an open palm on Sunghoon’s thigh. Sunghoon jerks beneath the touch. “Sunghoon-ah, seriously, you just gotta forget them at this point. Who cares what they think.”

“I know.” Sunghoon sighs, ears strangely red. He’s looking down at his feet, picking at the straps of his sandals as he speaks, not really making eye contact. “But also, like, hgnffff.” Jay laughs, fingers flexing on Sunghoon’s thigh, not even aware of what he’s doing until he feels Sunghoon twitch again.

Jay moves his hand back quickly, awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck. Sunghoon jolts for a third time and ah fuck, he has to do something and fast because the energy is incredibly strange. “Honestly, I feel the same.” Jay sighs, a little too purposefully. Still, the words come out a little bitter, a little dry. “It’d be nice for someone to call me pretty once in a while instead of just ‘charismatic’.” He admits shamefully. It sounds even more embarrassing coming out of his own mouth. Jay’s never really been one to care about the opinions of others more than necessary. But he’s only human, he can’t help but want to be seen in a certain way. And generally he’s happy with the image he’s carefully cultivated since his first appearance on I-Land.

But for reasons he doesn’t quite understand, a burning in his gut he doesn’t really get, he sort of yearns to be seen for more than what he’s shown. It’s irrational and illogical and it goes against every single bit of sense in his head. But it’s there, a strange ache in between Jay’s ribs.

Sunghoon leans in, eyes wide and bright, sparkling with curiosity. “Really?” He asks, something in his tone that makes unease settle in Jay’s gut.

He laughs again, more awkward this time. “Just wish they’d change it up for once.” He jokes weakly.

Sunghoon stares at him, compenplative and calm. His expression is unreadable, making sweat bead along the back of Jay’s neck. He leans back after a moment, nodding sagely. “I think you’re plenty pretty.” He says, off-handed and nonchalant and entirely sincere, evidently completely unaware of the devastating impact his words have. Jay has to actively hold himself back from screaming, an already daunting task made all the more difficult thanks to the blush he’s trying to fight from taking over his entire face.

“And I think you’re handsome too.” Jay blurts, like a fucking moron, but Sunghoon’s smile spreads across his entire face like the sun lighting the morning sky, so maybe he didn’t fuck this one up too badly.

[+]

Sunoo’s the first one to turn the cameras off.

They all entertain the idea. They look at each other and back to the red light and giggle, high and flighty and bright. In the bathroom by the training room, Jake dunks his head under the tap and longs for the ability to lie down in his bed and beat his dick raw. Jay, at the sink next to him, reminds him of the six other men he shares a bedroom with, and Jake starts gargling the tap water miserably. Jungwon finds them there ten minutes later in absolute hysterics.

He frowns at them. “What are you weirdos doing?” He asks, with no small amount of trepidation.

Jay wheezes back at him, “Just talking about team bonding.” Jungwon blinks, not understanding, as Jake throws his head back and howls with laughter.

So, yeah. Lots of talk about turning off the cameras. The PD even comes back to remind them. Apparently the editors want them to cut the footage because they have too much at this point. She makes a specific point to mention the absurd amount of gaming footage Jay’s managed to accumulate despite their inability to actually show what he’s playing. “We don’t need every minute.” She says, gentle but firm. “Seriously, this is a little much.”

They apologize and bow again and Jay doesn’t think much of it beyond a mental note for the next time he wants to play Breath of the Wild for seven hours straight. But then they go back to the dorm, and Sunoo gathers them all in the living room and immediately goes for the GoPro on the wall.

“Woah, you took that to heart hyung.” Jungwon laughs, standing up to help him. Sunoo only gives a small awkward laugh back, and Jay frowns.

“Everything okay?” He asks. Sunoo waves him off, waiting for the final red light to be extinguished before making them all sit down.

“So.” He starts, voice cracking. He clears his throat and tries again. “I’m into men. Exclusively. And I figured I should give you all fair notice considering we live together.”

There’s a very long silence that descends on the room. Jay feels his tongue turn to lead in his mouth. He just kind of stares for a while, at Sunoo’s trembling hands folded on his lap, at the hard set of his eyes that they never have seen before, at the way his shoulders move with each uneasy breath.

Jake is the first to speak, starting slowly and purposefully. “I’m glad you feel comfortable enough to tell us.” He says gently. “And I’m proud of you, and I want you to know that I love you no matter what.”

Sunoo sniffs dangerously. “Thank you hyung.” He says, voice wobbling.

Jake smiles a little. “But Sunoo-ah,” he continues, his own words shaking a little. “Fucking duh.” He laughs out the sound, burying his face in his palms, shaking his head.

Sunoo stares at him numbly. “Huh?” He says, voice small. He looks between them.

“Hyung, you’re just kind of,” Jungwon waves his hand vaguely. “Y’know?”

“Oh my god.” Sunghoon whispers, starting to giggle as well. Next to him, Heeseung has curled up on the floor and has been reduced to just quiet squeaky little noises. “Jungwon-ah, you can’t say that.”

“I can say it, I like men too!” Jungwon protests indignantly, before throwing his hands in the air with a frustrated noise. Niki, breathless with laughter, buries his head in Jungwon’s shoulder. Jungwon pays him no mind and simply keeps talking. “Now look what you’ve made me do hyung. I’ve overshadowed Sunoo-hyung’s coming out with my own. Thanks a lot.”

“You all clocked me?” Sunoo gapes, the situation finally hitting him. “Wait, Jungwon’s gay too?”

Jungwon frowns. “I think I’m bi?” He shrugs, quickly apologizing when the movement dislodges Niki. “I don’t know, I don’t have it figured out yet.”

“You don’t have to.” Jake says genuinely, still kind of giggling. He turns to Sunoo, sobering the slightest bit. “I don’t have it figured out either. I really haven’t thought about it much, honestly.”

Suddenly, there’s six sets of eyes on Jay. He jolts, not having realized they were going down the line, that Jake had been sitting next to him and that he probably should’ve unstuck his tongue from the roof of his mouth by now. “I uh.” He starts, hoarse, and then stops. “I don’t really. Know what to say.” He finishes, and then winces at his own words.

Something in Sunoo’s gaze closes off and he nods quietly. “I see hyung.” He says, voice flat and Jay seriously wants to punch himself in the face.

He groans, burying his face in his palms. “I’m gay too.” He says into his skin. He can’t look at their faces when he does so, but it’s apparently useless to hide because he can feel the air ripple as they all react. He continues desperately, saying, “I’m not being homophobic, I just never thought coming out to anyone was possible at this point and I’m jealous that you’re so brave.”

“Hyung.” Sunoo says, voice thick with emotion once again, and Jay feels hands tugging at his wrists. He lets himself be moved, lets Sunoo climb into his lap and hug him hard enough to bruise. “I’m sorry for assuming hyung.”

Jay laughs. His eyes are still dry. He doesn’t quite feel like crying, it’s more like he feels like his heart is going to fall out. “I’m good at being closeted, huh?” He jokes, feeling Sunoo laugh against him.

“I thought you were straight.” Niki blurts, immediately clapping his hands over his mouth. Jay just laughs at him.

“That’s the point Niki-ah.” He shakes his head. “God, it’s almost like you guys have never heard of homophobes before.”

Jay’s hardly done speaking before Heeseung shoots to his feet and walks into the bedroom, slamming the door behind him. He’s barely gone for a moment before the door opens up again and he sticks his head out, yelling, “I’m not mad at you Jay, I’m mad at myself for being a shit friend!”

Jay stares back at him incredulously. “You have a shit gaydar, you’re not a shitty friend!” He yells back, louder.

“Why are you yelling.” Jungwon asks, looking back and forth between them like he’s watching a tennis match. “You’re saying nice things but you sound so angry.”

Heeseung storms out of the room, shoulders squared and chest puffed out. “IF I WAS A GOOD FRIEND THEN I WOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO COMFORT YOU WHEN YOU WERE GOING THROUGH A HARD TIME.”

Jay gently deposits Sunoo to the side, as not to blow his eardrums out when he yells back, even louder, “I WASN’T GOING THROUGH A HARD TIME I JUST WASN’T SURE IF MAN LIKING WAS PERMITTED ON THE BIG HIT PREMISES.”

“HAVE YOU SEEN CHOI YEONJUN?” Heeseung bellows.

“Jesus Christ.” Jake wheezes. “Guys, shut the fuck up. We need to continue the sexuality chain. Heeseung, go.”

“I CURRENTLY IDENTIFY AS STRAIGHT.” He doesn’t lower his voice even a little bit. Sunoo has tears streaming down his face at this point. Heeseung’s mouth wobbles as he bites back a smile, his cover barely staying together as he continues. “BUT I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THE FUTURE WILL BRING.”

Niki raises his hand. “Taemin-sunbaenim is really hot.” He says with complete severity, before proceeding to not elaborate even a little.

Jay retches. “Oh my God, stop, you’re literally like nine.”

“I’m fifteen!”

“An infant.”

Sunghoon raises his hand. “I’m bi.” He offers, before lowering it. He catches Jay’s eye, quickly looking away. Jay feels his heart do a little tap dance in his chest, and wonders if it’d be inappropriate to try and snap his own neck at that moment. Sunghoon coughs, continuing, “Just to complete the set.”

Jake whoops, throwing his hands in the air. “Okay, man likers minus Heeseung, assemble!” He forms a fist, sticking it out in front of him. Absolutely no one joins him, because they’re all too busy absolutely losing their shit.

They start turning off the cameras more after that. Mostly to have wildly inappropriate conversations about Idris Elba, but the PD seems happy, so everything’s working out for the most part.

[+]

“Princes.” Sunoo offers, attacking Niki’s head with a straightener. His victim, half asleep, snuffles a little in response. Sunoo nods contemplatively. “You raise a good argument.”

“Stop having conversations while Niki’s asleep, one day he’s going to wake up to you halfway through selling his organs.” Jake chides, flicking Sunoo’s ears. Jay laughs, curled up on the other dressing room chair. They still haven’t gotten a sofa yet, and going back to bed means falling back asleep, so he’s making do.

Sunoo scowls, brandishing the hair straightener threateningly. “I would never do that to Niki.” He huffs. “Sunghoon’s organs are probably much healthier.”

“But Niki’s younger!”

“Niki also is a human garbage disposal. His organs are probably shot.” Jay mutters. “I’m pretty sure I saw him eat cookie crumbs off the floor like a roomba.”

“What is wrong with that child.” Jake frowns. “He never eats and when he does he’s hoovering scraps?”

Sunoo clears his throat obnoxiously. “What do you think though?” He turns off the hair straightener, gently patting the top of Niki’s head before he sits cross-legged on the floor. “Like for our concept.”

Jay tilts his head, confused. “We already have a concept. Vampires. Did you fall asleep in that meeting too?”

Sunoo glares at him. “I did not!” He huffs, puffing out his cheeks and pouting obnoxiously. Jay flips him off. Sunoo drops the aegyo in favour of two middle fingers of his own. “I meant like a future concept. Like stuff you’d like to try one day.”

“Could you imagine if we did something cute.” Jake starts to laugh, leaning forwards with sparkling eyes. “Like with the overalls and the sweaters—“

Jay groans. “I’d rather die.” He declares, shaking his head. “No way.”

“What hyung, you too chicken to do a little aegyo?” Sunoo teases. “Not man enough to do a little aing?”

“Don’t ever say those words to me in that order ever again.” Jay whips his sock off and throws it at Sunoo’s head, who ducks and dodges with a yelp. “I don’t care about me, I just think doing another cute concept will cause Heeseung-hyung to fly into a murderous rage and rampage through the dorms and he’s going to go for me first.”

“Why would hyung go for you first, you’re his friend?” Sunoo demands, over Jake’s hysterical laughter.

“One time I asked him if he’d shoot me if I got hit by a zombie during the zombie apocalypse and he said he wouldn’t even wait for me to be bit.” Jay deadpans back, breaking when Sunoo snorts out a laugh so loud that Niki groans in his sleep. “No cute concepts, thank you very much.”

“Alright, fair.” Jake wheezes. “But seriously, it’d be weird to see you do a cute concept Jay.”

“You’ve got that tough guy thing going on.” Sunoo muses. “Y’know? A little delinquent-y?”

Jay furrows his brows. “Should I be offended?”

“Maybe.” Sunoo teases back, laughing again. “Stop frowning, you’re just proving my point!”

“I feel offended!” Jay crosses his arms, leaning back, pouting a bit. “What, so I can only do tough guy concepts? Should I just shave my head now and get it over with?”

“No. What? What does shaving your head have to do with anything?” Jake turns to Sunoo, bafflement clear on his face. “Is this a Korean thing I don’t know about?”

Sunoo shrugs. “It’s probably a Jay-hyung thing.”

“I resent that.” Jay grumbles. “I could rock the fuck out of a cute concept.” He says so with confidence, but he can’t deny the twinges of doubt in his own heart. He’s always been pretty aware of his image, part of the reason he conducts himself the way he does. He’s blunt to a fault, headstrong, a little bit of a prick. He knows this. But to hear it from the others, that they look at him and see some punk… it’s to be expected but still. It stings a little.

Sunoo, the little shit, rolls his eyes and says “Whatever makes you feel better, hyung.”

“I think he could.” The three of them yell in shock, turning around to look at Niki as he blinks the sleep from his eyes and sits up in his chair. “He’s cute. Like in a gap moe way.”

“How long have you been awake?” Jake gasps, hand over his heart. Jay’s almost certain that he’d be clutching his pearls, if he had any. He curses in English under his breath. “Christ on a cracker bro.”

Jay looks at him. “Why’s he on a cracker?”

Sunoo waves his hands indignantly. “Wait, hyung, shut up.” He points to Niki, ignoring Jay’s offended gasp. “What is gap moe?”

Niki rubs his eye sluggishly. “Y’know. Someone’s got a strong image but they’re kind of soft in reality and the cuteness comes from the gap between those two things.” He yawns, jaw cracking around the sound. “Or something. I don’t know.”

“You are literally Japanese.”

“Never said I was good at it.” Niki snarks back, taking off at a sprint when Sunoo yells and charges at him. “Ah, hyung, my hair!” He squawks from down the hall, his cries overlaid with Sunoo’s vengeful battle cries.

Jake sighs deeply, standing, shouting after them. “If you knock over another suitcase Heeseung-hyung’s going to kill you!” He staggers out of the room, cursing, smacking his leg. “Ah, it fell asleep— yah, be careful!”

And suddenly Jay’s left alone. Not really alone, because he can still hear the rabid yelling of his maniac bandmates from down the hall, but there’s no one else in the room with him, except for his own reflection. He turns to face it.

Objectively, he knows that he’s on the handsome side. Maybe not drop dead gorgeous, maybe not main visual material. Overseas he seems to be really popular, but mostly for the reasons he’s less popular in Korea. Jay’s the first to admit that he’s scary looking. There are nicer ways of saying it, of course. Chic, cool, charismatic. But they all mean the same thing.

Don’t do it. Says the logical part of his mind, making a rare appearance, truly highlighting the absurdity of the situation. Don’t fucking do it. You know it won’t work.

Hey Jay. Says another part of his mind, the one that made him reach out while sobbing, the one that made him sit in front of a dozen cameras and say Resentment, Anger, Shame with full sincerity. You should absolutely do it.

Jay, a terminal idiot and apparently incapable of avoiding humiliation, listens. He looks himself in the mirror, takes a deep breath, and says, “ddaranghae.” Eyes wide and innocent, fingers crossed in a little heart which he brings to his mouth and kisses. He holds the pose for a moment, then another, before the hot wave of shame washes over him and he covers his flaming face with his palms and sighs, long and deep.

“You’re a fucking idiot, Jongseong.” He groans. His ears feel hot enough to catch on fire. “What the fuck is wrong with you.”

“I thought it was cute.” Says a voice from the door. Jay whirls around, jaw dropping in tandem with his heart when he finds the source. Sunghoon, arms crossed, leaning against the doorframe, a grin that can only be described as shit-eating spread wide across his face. Laughing at whatever expression Jay is sporting, Sunghoon continues, mercilessly cooing, “Aigoo, Jay-ah, you’re so lovely.”

“Sunghoonie.” Jay croaks. There’s a tingling in his fingertips. He staggers to his feet, putting his hands together, desperately repeating, with something hot and liquid curling in his gut, “Park Sunghoon.”

Sunghoon begins to squeak, like a door in desperate need of oil on the hinges, trying to hold back his laughter and desperately failing. He manages to stumble forwards a few steps, reach out, and pinches Jay’s cheek with a giggle that’s as bright and high as bells in a valley. ”Cute!” He squeals, and then it’s Sunghoon’s turn to sprint out of the room and Jay’s turn to chase after him, hot on his heels.

Jay wrestles Sunghoon into a headlock, Jake yelling at them while trying to separate the still-fighting Sunoo and Niki, and the five of them roughhouse and shout and laugh themselves breathless, and they only knock over the suitcases a couple of times.

[+]

The same day that they make Jungwon leader, they get a talk from the marketing team and are told the roles they’ll play in the group. Government assigned kpop personalities is what Jake calls them, but Jake’s also a freak so like hell is Jay going along with anything he says. He’s not sure how Jake managed to luck out with the whole ‘endearing puppy’ thing. Like sure, Jake can be cute sometimes, but he’s also an absolute madman. Then again, there isn’t really a set role for eternal arsonist in boy groups, so Jay just assumes that the marketing team is making do. Frankly, Jake is the least of Jay’s concerns.

“We think Jay should take on the role of ‘mother’, but in a subtler way.” Says the bespectacled marketing person, with complete seriousness, and Jay kind of wants to laugh and cry and the same time.

Jungwon raises his hand. “Uh.” He says, and then doesn’t continue. Jake snorts and nods. Jay’s glad to see they’re all at equal stages of confusion.

The marketing person nods back. “I know.” He laughs. “This is weird. It basically just means that we want Jay to lean towards a doting role. It’s less acting and more… emphasizing what’s already there.”

Jay blinks. “So… cooking for the members, giving them advice, the massages—“

“You got it.” The marketing person points at Jay. “Once again, we’re not asking you to completely change your personality, just to exaggerate it in certain aspects.”

Heeseung’s already looking at Jay disbelievingly when Jay turns to stare at him in shock. They both know what the words mean. Give the fans something human-like, but shave off all the messy bits first. He’s already gotten his talking to about the whole fake maknae thing. Beside him, Niki plays with his rings, seemingly unperturbed. But then again Niki basically got free reign to be a menace with the maknae on top gag, so he’s probably not too concerned.

Jay breaks eye contact, plastering on a more amicable expression. “I can do doting.” He says confidently. Because, well, he can. If anything that just means getting rid of some inhibitions. He likes preening the other boys, cooking them nice foods, giving them advice and all that. Hell, he gets to start lecturing Sunoo for no real reason even more now. That’s a win in his books, easily.

Of course, it’s clear that he can’t have nice things, because the marketing person’s eyes get a guilty flash over his mask. “Uh,” he coughs. “Also, traditionally, the mother role also is the target of teasing, in these sorts of dynamics.”

There’s a moment of silence before Sunoo pumps both fists into the air and whoops.

They go on to explain that it’s because of the shit he pulled at I-Land. The concern about dark history was cute, they claim, and they think they could spin it. A clumsy delinquent with a heart of gold, they say, pointing to the top of his document. Awkward and tough in his displays of love, but still sincere, endearing to be a point of teasing.

Across the room, Niki coughs sharply. “Gap moe.” He wheezes into his fist. “Tsundere.”

Jay frowns. He’s really taking to this maknae on top thing, huh.

“Wait.” Sunghoon is saying, brows furrowed deep. “I’m sorry, can we go back to the whole ‘subtle mother’ thing? What does that even mean.”

“A lot of boy groups will have two members, usually older ones, who they will call the ‘mother’ and ‘father’, respectively.” The man patiently explains. “While Jay’s cooking and general doting tendencies make him fit for mother, there’s no one we felt could fill the role of ‘father’.”

Sunghoon leans forwards. “What would a father idol even look like?” He presses.

Heeseung laughs, a little awkward. “Jeez Sunghoon-ah, are you applying?” He jokes. He mostly goes ignored, save for a stifled chuckle from Niki.

The marketing person is unphased. “There’s no real set definition for a father role.” He says. “It’s mostly relative to the mother role. Generally speaking, the father role goes to the leader because of how he has to lead the group, but considering your leader is…”

“A child.” Jay blurts, ignoring Jungwon’s noise of offence. The marketing team laughs at whatever expression he’s making. “I’m not going to be the wife of a twelve year old. That’s illegal.”

“Hyung, I know where you sleep.” Jungwon threatens in the least threatening tone possible.

“We all share one bedroom.” Niki mutters, confused.

Sunghoon makes a little noise of frustration. “Okay, but are there situations where the father role isn’t a leader?” Jay stares at him. He’s… really into this. He tries to catch Sunghoon’s eye, tries to send him a confused look, but Sunghoon doesn’t even look at him.

The marketing guy looks just as confused as Jay feels. “Well,” He starts slowly. “Then it usually goes to whoever flirts with the mother role the most.”

There’s a beat of silence. Jay feels like he has to intervene. “By subtle,” he interjects desperately, trying to get the conversation back to some semblance of normalcy. “You just mean that the members don’t have to explicitly call me mother and that it’s more about letting fans come to their own conclusions, right?”

The marketing guy’s eyes light up with relief. “Exactly.” He says. “If the fans don’t make that assumption, it’s fine. You just have the image of a delinquent with a heart of gold. If they do, then we can read their responses and see if they appoint anyone with the title of father and direct you from there.”

Heeseung’s the next person to raise his hand. “Wait, you’d tell us to start flirting if they start calling someone the dad?” He sounds incredulous, which isn’t that far off from what Jay’s feeling. “What?”

The marketing guy shrugs. “It’s hard to make a living.” He says simply. Sunghoon sighs, long and heavy, burning holes into the paper on the table in front of him. Something clicks in the back of Jay’s head.

Jay manages to catch Sunghoon a few hours later, buying a drink from the vending machine outside their practice room. It’s ridiculous that it took so long, considering the fact that they were set to spend the rest of the day in the practice room going over the choreo of their title track, but somehow Jay couldn’t find a moment to catch Sunghoon alone.

“Sunghoon-ah!” Jay calls, jogging down the hall. Sunghoon seems to jerk in place, shoulders rising sharply before lowering slowly with his exhale. He turns around and gives Jay a weary smile, one that immediately makes worry knot in Jay’s gut. “Woah, you good?”

Sunghoon waves him off. “I’m fine.” He dismisses, something in his tone just not convincing in the slightest. Jay narrows his eyes, but doesn’t get the chance to push that point as Sunghoon turns back to the machine and pushes in a few coins. “What’s up?”

Jay hesitates for a beat, but shakes off his concern. That wasn’t the reason he approached Sunghoon in the first place, there’s no point in getting distracted now. He cuts right to the chase, leaning in and saying, direct as always, “I’ll make sure you don’t get the dad role, you don’t have to worry.”

Sunghoon jerks, whirling around to face Jay, eyes wide. “What?” He asks, seemingly dumbfounded.

Jay shrugs, a little awkward. Ah, he’s never been good at direct affection, it’s the reason he wrote so many god damn letters. “I know that you don’t really like all parts of the Ice Prince image.” He says, somewhat guiltily, almost like a confession. “Like all the stuff about you having a cold image and all that.”

Sunghoon just stares at him, mouth agape. “Jay-ah.” He says, somewhat hollowly, after an extended pause.

Jay blinks and then blushes. “Oh God, you probably wanted the dad role because of the whole feminizing thing.” He says, realization washing over him in a humiliated wave. Jay groans, burying his face in his palms. “God, I’m so sorry, I jumped to conclusions like an idiot, literally just ignore me—”

“No, no, it’s not—” Sunghoon interjects. He’s doing the thing he always does when he’s not sure what to do with someone, hover-handing over them, awkwardly floating around like he wants to hug them but isn’t exactly sure where to start. Jay looks through his fingers and is greeted with cherry red cheeks and eyes blown wide with panic. It’s adorable, really, enough to make Jay want to melt on the spot under the force of his own affection. Sunghoon, not noticing that Jay’s peeping, swipes his hand back through his hair again and curses. “Jay-ah, it wasn’t about that.”

Jay slowly removes his hands from his face, rubbing at his still warm ears. “About wanting or not wanting it?” He asks hesitantly.

Sunghoon balks, blushing again. “Uh.” He coughs, not really looking at Jay. “I wanted you to be able to choose that kind of thing.” He coughs again.

Jay frowns. “Don’t tell me you’re getting sick.” He puts the back of his hand against Sunghoon’s forehead, frowning deeper at the heat against his knuckles. “You’re kind of warm, shit, should I go get the manager?”

“I’m not sick!” Sunghoon protests, wrapping his hand around Jay’s wrist and moving his hand away. His cheeks are still red. “It’s just embarrassing. I was acting really immaturely over something you don’t even seem to care about.”

“Wait.” Jay blinks. “You were worried about me?”

Sunghoon bites his lip, looking away again. Jay can’t help but stare at the flash of sharp white, at the way his pink lips bruise just the slightest bit under the force of his own teeth. “It felt weird to watch them talk about just matching you off.” He admits. “Like whatever the fans saw they’d turn into reality.”

All Jay can do for a moment is stare. He doesn’t have words to fill the space, doesn’t know how to even begin to respond to what he’s been told. There’s heat rising through him again, creeping up the back of his neck. The sparrow is back, fluttering from rib to rib, pecking frantically through the marrow. It longs to break free, to fly forth, to sing a love song, high and sweet, perched on the branches at the break of dawn to welcome the morning, to serenade the sun.

“You’re cute.” Jay blurts, buckling under the beating of the bird's wings. Sunghoon makes a little squeak in the back of his throat, looking positively stunned. Jay feels about the same way, stumbling over his words as he quickly amends, in a lighthearted and teasing tone, “Ah, Sunghoon-ah, so sweet to know you care so much for me.”

Sunghoon starts to relax, little by little, laughing and rolling his eyes. “Someone has to.” He retorts. “You’re too busy being our mother, apparently.”

“Cause you lot would die from food poisoning without me!” Jay grins, letting Sunghoon tug him down the hallway. It’s only then that he notices that Sunghoon hasn’t let go of his wrist once, that Sunghoon’s tracing circles at the bottom of his palm with his thumb, that Sunghoon’s fingers flex whenever he laughs, grip tightening under the force of his joy.

Jay, deciding to indulge himself just this once, says nothing, his heart racing for the entire walk back to the practice room, cherishing every moment that Sunghoon’s fingers spend over his pulse.

[+]

For some reason, whenever it’s just Jake and Jay hanging out together, they almost immediately devolve into the raunchiest humour possible.

Jay thinks it’s because of Jake’s Australian upbringing and the inherent sin bestowed upon him by the Kangaroos. Jake thinks that Jay’s the bad influence here, that his limited time overseas instilled something vile in his soul, and that his dark energy is corrupting everyone around him. Sunoo’s conclusion is that English is an evil force and that they’re both equally awful. It’s probably the most correct assumption. After they get into the habit of turning the cameras off, it hardly takes a minute for the two of them to be reduced to tears over a particularly stupid penis joke.

It’s so bad that Jay immediately tenses when Jake flops down on his bed, made even worse that his reaction is immediately justified by Jake sniffing the air and remarking brightly “Jeez, it smells like cum in here.”

Jay chokes on his mouthful of yogurt, almost fucking dying right then and there, and Jake’s only reaction is to laugh gleefully and smack him on the back. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” Jay wheezes in English when he finally gets his body to stop attempting to unalive itself.

Jake giggles like a fucking schoolgirl, eyes dancing. “Quite the reaction my man.” His accent gives his already shit-eating grin and even more smug lilt. “I’d even say it’s damning evidence.”

“It’s not damning evidence, it’s the normal response for when a homie decides to proclaim a space jizz city.” Jay retorts, still hacking a little but laughing at the same time. “Also, damning evidence of what? Furiously masturbating with the door wide open?” He gestures vaguely, and almost on cue the sound of Sunoo and Sunghoon’s laughter comes echoing down the hall.

Jake shrugs. “Hey man, I’m not a kinkshamer.” He says and seriously, how the fuck did this guy ever get the title of innocent puppy sunshine man. What is it about the Korean language that makes this maniac so unassuming and sweet. Jay’s almost certain the only thing stopping the world at large from finding out the truth is the fact that Jake doesn’t know how to say ‘rawdogging’ in Korean yet, though not for his lack of trying.

Jay glares at him, retching over the next mouthful of yogurt. “What do you want.” He narrows his eyes suspiciously. “I’m not jerking you off so don’t even bother asking.”

“I mispronounce jerky once.” Jake groans, but he’s laughing through the sentence. There’s a curious glint in his eyes when he quiets, and he leans in a little closer with a smile that has Jay narrowing his eyes even further on instinct. “Jesus, stop it, you look like you’re about to shit your pants.”

“I’ll shit on you.”

“You a virgin?” Jake continues, completely bulldozing Jay and leaving him dumbstruck in the process. His smile only grows wider when he sees the expression on Jay’s face. “Come on, don’t be shy!”

Jay splutters, brain finally turning back on as he shakes his head, absolutely baffled. “What?” He laughs, incredulous. “You really think I had time to lose my v-card while trapped in the BigHit dungeon?”

“I dunno dude, I only spent nine months there and I noticed a lot of suspiciously placed closets.” Jake grins impishly, prodding Jay with his elbow. “Handjobs count as losing it by the way so don’t skimp.”

Jay’s face is hot but he can’t help but laugh. The conversation is embarrassing but there’s something loose about it, relaxed in the way they normally talk about music or practice. It’s oddly satisfying, the way Jake just lets loose around him, if a little mortifying. “No action at all.” He sighs, playfully mournful. He elbows Jake back. “You?”

Jake shrugs. “Kinda. There was a girl, back in Australia. She let me touch her boobs and we made out but no clothes came off.”

Jay catches sight of the red dusting the tips of Jake’s ears and begins to snicker. “Oh man you totally creamed your pants like a loser.” He teases, beginning to downright guffaw when the red grows deeper. “Holy shit, you did! How long did it take, two minutes or three?”

“Listen.” Jake insists, trying to defend himself. “Her boobs were really nice.” He sighs a little dreamily, as if he can see those tits in his mind's eye. “She was cool about it though. Really nice girl.”

“Was she your girlfriend?” Jay tilts his head, grimacing a little at the thought of Jake on a date. It’s too unrealistic, far too beyond his scope of understanding.

“Nah, it was a friend of a friend kind of thing. We met at a party and did the deed in the guest bedroom.” Jake steals the yogurt out of Jay’s hands, quickly spooning some into his mouth before Jay can grab it back. “Honestly, I’m kind of glad we didn’t go all the way. She was nice but not. Special, y’know?”

“Ew, gross, don’t get sentimental on me.” Jay snatches the yogurt back, scowling down when he sees that Jake took the last bite. Jake gives him an incredibly pointed look in return. Jay sighs. “Yeah, yeah, I know what you mean.”

“Any boys in mind?” Jake kicks his legs up onto Jay’s lap, twisting around to prop the pillow under his head a little better. “Any man you’d like to sweep you off your feet?”

Almost immediately a face comes to mind, pale and slender, dotted with two perfect beauty spots, in all the right places to kiss. “You know my opinions about Idris Elba.” Jay says instead, side-stepping those thoughts with ease. It still stuns him for a moment. Sunghoon had been a crush. An object of affection, someone to care for and yearn after. But to desire? For fuck’s sake, the whole ‘let nature take its course’ thing was supposed to let Jay lose his feelings naturally, not fall victim to his carnal impulses.

Jake, seemingly completely unaware of Jay’s downward spiral, snorts derisively. “Everyone wants Idris Elba. Even Heeseung, and he’s straight.” He kicks his feet a little, making annoying little mouth noises. “Come on, give me a name, a face, hell I’ll even take a vague descriptor of type.”

Jay pushes Jake’s feet off of his lap, smacking the soles of Jake’s foot for good measure. “There’s no one!” He snaps over Jake’s whining, mildly panicked. It’s like alarm systems have gone off in his head. Danger, danger! They scream. Your dumb gay feelings have been detected! It’s probably this panic which makes Jay blurt, much too loud for what the situation warrants, “I have no particular preference about which dick gets to go up my ass the first.”

Jay slams a hand over his own mouth, mortified. Jake’s whining abruptly dies in his throat. “Wait.” He starts, slowly and dangerously.

“What?” Jay asks, high and hysterical, desperately trying to backpedal as fast as he can. “Did I say something?”

Jake’s expression doesn’t change one bit, marking the complete failure on Jay’s part to salvage the situation. He sits up, a mix between delight and devastation strewn across his face. “You’re a bottom?” Jake squeaks, something in his voice indicating a full mental breakdown in the near future. “Holy shit. Holy shit.”

Jay’s face burns as he shoves at Jake’s shoulder. “I don’t know for sure.” He insists in an attempt to defend himself. Jake’s expression shows no signs of even registering the words. “I’m still a mega virgin dude, I just enjoyed it when I. You know…” He trails off, making a half-hearted but incredibly obscene gesture. Jake gags and smacks his hands down.

“Oh dear god, please stop.” He begs. “I don’t even know what that means.”

“It means that I know it feels good to have something up my ass but I won’t know if I like topping until I actually have a person to stick it into.” Jay deadpans, giving up on salvaging his dignity in this conversation. There’s no way to take any of the last five minutes back, so if he can’t save his tattered scraps of pride, he can at least torment Jake with full force. He continues nonchalantly, shrugging and saying, “fleshlights are fun but they don’t feel anything like human skin, y’know.”

“No, I don’t know.” Jake’s voice is hollow. “I don’t have a fucking hoarde of sex toys like you do, holy hell, where do you even keep them?” Jake starts glancing around the bunk, eyes narrowed. Jay slaps the back of his head.

“Why the fuck would I keep them in the same breathing space as Kim fucking Sunoo? Do you think I’m crazy? They’re under my bed at my house.” Jay sighs, rubbing his eyes with the heel of his palm. “I cannot fucking believe I’m talking to you about this.”

Jake lets out a little laugh, feather-light and flustered. “The feeling’s mutual.” He snickers. “I know more about your ass than I’d ever care to know.”

Jay bites his lip, winking. “Would you like to know even more?” He purrs, cartoonishly seductive and flirtatious. Jake tries to cram his entire fist in Jay’s mouth, murder in his eyes. He doesn’t quite make it, giving Jay just enough leeway to fend him off and moan, obnoxiously loud, “oh baby, more!”

“What the fuck.” Sunoo screeches from down the hall. His voice only grows more disgusted when Jake and Jay start laughing loud enough for their voices to ring off the walls. “What the fuck is wrong with you?!”

And Jay doesn’t think much of it at first. Just him and Jake, being bros, doing bro things like talking about anal masturbation. For the rest of the night they can’t stop laughing whenever they make eye contact, collapsing into hysterics mid dance practice when their gazes meet in the mirror, snorting into their food when they both reach for a napkin at the same time. It’s honestly kind of nice, knowing that they’re close enough to talk about these kinds of things, knowing that Jake is comfortable enough with him to be so vulnerable in return.

But then Jay will look away from Jake, stomach hurting from the force of his laughter, and he’ll turn his head the slightest inch and make eye contact with Sunghoon and he’ll feel himself freeze. Standing still, locking eyes through the mirror. Stuck in place, hands hovering above the pile of napkins at the dinner table. Every time his face will burn, and he’ll bluster and bumble to cover it up.

And for some reason, Sunghoon will do exactly the same.

They make eye contact in the mirror and Sunghoon stumbles his own feet, careening into Jungwon and sending them both tumbling to the floor. Sunghoon locks eyes with Jay across the dinner table and proceeds to choke on a mouthful of water, saved only by Niki frantically thumping his back. Sunghoon blushes and blusters and bumbles, each and every time, as though he was the one who spilt all his secrets, as though he was the one who laid himself bare.

Jay is working himself up to confront Sunghoon later that evening, waiting in front of the bathroom door for his turn to brush his teeth. Surprisingly, Sunghoon is the one to approach Jay first, albeit while avoiding eye contact and staring studiously at the floor. “What’s up?” Jay asks, a little apprehensive about the twisted expression Sunghoon is wearing.

Sunghoon winces. “Um, next time you and Jake decide to—” He gestures vaguely, helplessly. “You should probably shut the door.”

Jay blinks, not understanding. “Me and Jake?” He repeats dumbly as he replays their conversation back in his mind. As if the disc is scratched, the scene stutters towards the end, when Jake snarked and Jay flirted and Jake tried to shove his fist in Jay’s mouth and Jay—

Oh my God.

“It’s not like that!” He yelps, face flooding with heat. Holy shit, no, this is literally the worst possible timeline. Sunghoon manages to tear himself away from his staring contest with his slippers in order to raise a disbelieving eyebrow. Jay’s face only gets hotter. “We were fooling aro— fuck that sounds bad too.”

“Yeah.” Sunghoon replies dryly. “It does.”

Jay groans. He wonders if BangPD would be mad if he flung himself out the window one month before their debut. “We weren’t having sex.” He says firmly, vindictively relishing the way Sunghoon’s face colours in turn. “We were just being stupid together and I moaned to piss him off.”

Somehow, Sunghoon still manages to look doubtful. “I’m not upset about you guys having sex.” He says, sounding very upset at the idea of Jay and Jake having sex. Jay doesn’t blame him. He’s certain that Jake’s dick can be found somewhere in the Necronomicon. “I just want you to shut the door so the kids don’t see it.”

Jay throws his hands in the air. “For fuck’s—” He starts, before his saviours exit the bathroom. He grabs Sunoo’s and Jake’s sleeves as they pass, ignoring their matching yelps of surprise. He spins Jake around first, insistently asking, “Jake. Were you and I having sex today.”

Jake does a literal double take. “No?” He says, very slowly. “Unless we have wildly differing definitions of sex and I missed a few key details.”

“We don’t and you didn’t.” Jay reassures him, turning to face Sunoo, who looks like he wants to be anywhere else but in that hallway at that moment. “Sunoo-ah, did you think me and Jake were having sex?”

“I don’t think I ever want to think about you and sex in the same sentence.” Sunoo whispers, long suffering and languishing. He sighs, shuddering a little. “I assumed you two were just being gross idiots again, because I like to think you’re courteous enough to at least shut the door before banging.”

Jake frowns. “What about me?”

“I think you’re the type to think with your dick and completely forget.” Sunoo fires back immediately, starting a raucous round of bickering between the two of them as they go back to their bedroom. Jay turns to stare at Sunghoon, gesturing wildly with his arms.

“Yeah, okay I get it.” Sunghoon grumbles. His face is still flush with embarrassment, his hair messy thanks to his nervous habit of anxiously combing it. For a hysterical moment, Jay completely forgets himself, and wonders what a couple of hickeys could do to enhance the look. Wonders if Sunghoon’s the type to lock the door or not.

“There you have it!” He blurts once he comes back to his senses. He gives a supremely awkward, sportsmanship filled pat on Sunghoon’s arm as he blabbers something about assumptions and asses, before rushing into the bathroom and slamming the door shut. He fumbles the lock, blood roaring in his ears.

Jay looks up and into the mirror. He sees himself, eyes wide and pupils dilated. His neck is ruddy, splotchy with the blush that colours his cheeks scarlet. He can see his lips tremble around every single breath that courses through him, making his chest rise and fall in sweeping motions. He can see his dick hard in his sweatpants, tenting the fabric clear as day.

“What the fuck.” Jay whispers, with the dawning horror that often comes at the start of a complete and utter meltdown.

[+]

So that’s a thing. Which is terrifying.

Jay can handle a crush. He gets crushes on everyone like, all the time. He’s pretty sure he’s had four separate crushes on Heeseung over the four years he’s known the guy. He’s practically a master at it, falling for someone who could never possibly like him back. It’s hard to avoid it, being a trainee, surrounded by attractive hard-working guys day in and day out. Attractive hard working guys who are prone to taking their clothes off and manhandling and feeding each other with loving, honey-sweet eyes.

Jay figured out he was into men when he was thirteen. He’s gotten the crush thing down pat.

He had been nervous, because it’s debut, and crushing on someone who could very well drop out the next day is completely different from crushing on someone who signed the same seven year contract you did. But Jay figured he could handle it. Besides, there’s no way in hell he would’ve been able to avoid crushing on Park fucking Sunghoon. With his cute moles and pretty smile and legs that stretch for miles.

Then the nightmarish hallway conversation happened, and Jay almost popped the fattest woodie, and now things are way more complicated than before. Because they live together. Fuck, they sleep in the same bunk.

They’ve already had this conversation as a team. Sort of. Heeseung had sat them all down in the studio on a day when there were no cameras and said, very bluntly, to please try and keep stress relief contained within the easily cleanable space of their shower. He had left it at that, though Jay’s not sure if it’s because that truly was all he had to say or because Jungwon had burst into mortified tears at the very thought. Jay doesn’t really want to know the answer to that question, because Heeseung made direct eye-contact with him when he said ‘stress relief’, and it’s haunted him ever since.

He’s not new to this kind of thing. He lived through I-Land, for Christ’s sake. He had to look at K’s rippling abs and then not be able to do anything about it. Jay’s almost certain that he’s able to handle it, that he’ll be able to studiously ignore the fact that Park Sunghoon is a God amongst men and tell his dick to chill the fuck out whenever necessary.

He is swiftly proven wrong.

Jay forgets to remember the fact that he is young and stupid and still thinking with his dick. Every time he thinks he’s got this repressing thing down pat he’ll catch Sunghoon stretching his arms above his head, revealing the band of his underwear and slightest strip of abs. Or he’ll stumble in on Sunghoon sweeping his hair back and staring at his reflection with smouldering eyes as he practices his expressions. Or he’ll be forced to bear witness to Sunghoon absentmindedly fellating a popsicle with all the nonchalance in the world. And every single time his dick will twitch in his boxers and he’ll have to rush to the bathroom to dunk his head under the sink.

“Hyung,” Jungwon says with no small amount of concern one day, wrapping a towel around Jay’s neck. “You’re going to catch a cold like this.”

Jay weakly ruffles the kid’s hair. “Thanks Jungwon-ah.” He croaks out, not quite able to look him in the eye. Because that’s the other problem.

In an ideal world, Jay would pull out his vibrator from under his bed and fuck himself on it until he’s coming dry. He’d methodically work through every stupid sexual fantasy his wicked lizard brain has conjured up, all of them centred around Park Sunghoon. He’d rub his dick raw, pass out for about a week, and then move on with his life. But he can’t, because he’s surrounded by toddlers all the fucking time.

It’s really weird to track a droplet of sweat down the column of Sunghoon’s pale neck with literal child Kim Sunoo happily chattering away next to him. He can't indulge any fantasies of being ravished in the kitchen because the reality is that Niki’s likely to walk in at any time. Jungwon evokes such a paternal reaction in Jay that it’s almost impossible to feel any sort of sexual arousal knowing that the kid is in the dorms.

Also, he just kinda feels like a creep about it sometimes. Sunghoon licking whipped cream off his fingers isn’t inherently sexual, and Jay should just let the guy eat in peace. Sunghoon stripping off his jacket in the middle of practice isn’t a purposefully targetted attack on Jay’s poor dick, he’s just trying not to collapse from fucking heatstroke. Sunghoon’s morning wood is literally an involuntary biological response, and Jay has no right to be flustered by it.

That’s what he tells himself, at least, the one time he wakes up to Sunghoon breathing hot against his neck and something pressing into his ass.. They had been watching stupid videos on Jay’s bed the night before, giggling breathlessly until Sunoo had told them to shut the fuck up. Sunghoon had bitched about being too tired to climb up to his bed and Jay had been too tired to tell him to fuck off so he had let him sleep down there. It had been nice at first, their legs intertwined and Sunghoon’s heart a steady beat by Jay’s ear.

And then the morning came, apparently Sunghoon was well on his way to coming as well.

He’s rocking his hips forwards in small, shallow movements, making breathy noises against the back of Jay’s neck. Jay would love to know when exactly they started spooning, so he can go back in time and stop that shit before it has the chance to start. God, his face is on fire, he almost feels dizzy with how red he is.. His limbs feel rigid, he’s not even sure if he should be breathing right now. He wants to turn around, to open his eyes, to see Sunghoon’s plush lips parted around every shaky breath.

Sunghoon sighs, a soft little thing. Jay feels heat flare across the back of his neck when Sunghoon’s lips drag against his skin. He slurs through the next word, so much so that Jay can’t even begin to comprehend it, only catching a single syllable, a breathy and warm, “Jong…”

Jay feels his heart stop in his chest, just as the door creaks open. “Yah, you need to—” Heeseung starts, and then stops. Jay keeps his breathing slow, keeps his eyes shut. He’s the one facing the wall, Sunghoon right by the door, and he prays to every higher power that he makes it out of this nightmare scenario in one fucking piece.

Thankfully, mercifully, Heeseung starts his next sentence with a whispered, “Sunghoon-ie.” Jay feels the bed tremble as Heeseung reaches over and shakes Sunghoon. “You gotta get up.”

“Buh?” Sunghoon says dumbly, still half asleep, and Jay curses his treacherous heart for stuttering at the sound. How the hell he’s endeared by a man who had been humping him like a pillow for the last ten minutes, he has no idea. Maybe that’s Jay’s problem. Shit taste in men.

Heeseung’s still whispering something about management and a meeting, something unimportant but necessary, but Jay’s not listening. Sunghoon probably isn’t either, judging by the way his entire body goes stiff and he begins to slowly move his hips back and away from Jay’s ass. “Uh-huh.” He’s saying, mildly shell shocked. “Got it.”

“Yah, you weren’t listening, you brat.” Heeseung scoffs, followed by the distinct sound of a forehead being flicked and Sunghoon’s whine of pain. “Just make sure to get Jay out of bed, got it?”

“Yeah.” Sunghoon exhales shakily. The door clicks shut. There’s a beat, before Sunghoon seemingly buries his face into his palms and wails quietly. “Park Sunghoon, you idiot.”

At least they’re on the same page about this, Jay thinks ruefully.

Sunghoon leans over his body, making sure not to touch him with anything other than his hands. “Jay-ah.” He whispers, gently patting Jay’s arm. Jay makes sure to be realistic, to shift a little towards Sunghoon but not wake up entirely. They’re so close that Sunghoon’s breath ghosts across his neck. Jay has to fight the shiver that threatens to wrack his body.

Distantly, hysterically, Jay wonders what it’d be like if Sunghoon were to bite him, to mark him right then and there. Jesus Christ, his lizard brain is out of fucking control. Maybe it’d be in control if Sunghoon fucking did something. He’s just hovering over Jay, breathing on him, staring at him. Momentarily, Jay wonders if he drooled all over himself like an idiot, but then Sunghoon moves.

With the softest touch, he combs back Jay’s hair, fingernails dragging over his scalp. “Jay-ah.” He whispers again, so gentle, and Jay knows that if he doesn’t get up right fucking now that there’s going to be a serious problem in his shorts.

Jay peels open his eyes, yawning, rolling over sleepily. “Go away.” He groans, pressing his face into his pillow. Sunghoon laughs. Jay’s heart stutters again.

“Poor thing.” Sunghoon coos, digging his finger into Jay’s side. Jay yelps, rolling away. “We have to get up y’know.”

Jay narrows his eyes into slits apprehensively. “Is the dorm on fire?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Then you can go fuck yourself.” He huffs, and before he has time to regret that particular choice of words, Sunghoon grabs him by the hoodie to pull him out of bed and they both go tumbling over the side and that’s how Heeseung finds them, sprawled across the floor in tears.

He frowns down at them. “I said to get him out of bed.” He says, voice thick with disappointment. They start laughing harder. “Not whatever the hell this is.”

And just like that, Jay makes it through the morning.

Is he sexually repressed? Probably, and it’s just as likely that it’s going to kill him. One day his balls will be so fucking blue that they’ll explode in his pants and grant him the prestigious title of the first idol to ever die of too horny syndrome. Or maybe he’ll die of too sad syndrome, because Sunghoon definitely said someone’s name when he was having his happy little dreams, and it sure as hell wasn’t “Jay.”

Jay pushes the thought aside, frowning into his cereal. It’s hardly been twenty minutes since he got up and he’s obsessed over it at least five times. He has to get his shit together. This is seriously fucking stupid. For all he knows, Sunghoon could’ve just been having elaborate sexual fantasies about Ateez's Jongho. And really, who wouldn’t?

Across the table, Jungwon coughs a little awkwardly. “Everything okay hyung?” He asks, a little hesitant.

Jay sighs. “It’s hard to live, Jungwon-ah.” He says seriously.

Jungwon blinks. “Sure.” He says dubiously, returning to his own breakfast.

Jay sighs, returning to his staring competition with his cereal. His ears still feel red, his gut still feels thick with guilt and unease. He had laughed it off with Sunghoon in the moment but the arousal didn’t abate, it still hasn’t abated. There are sparking shooting up his spine when his clothes shift against his body, an ache in his chest and the inside of his thighs and in his core, an itch begging to be scratched.

Jay miserably shoves a spoonful of cereal into his mouth, wondering when exactly he became such a colossal piece of shit.

[+]

Jay comes home from school early one day, way earlier than he anticipated. Both him and the manager forgot that it was a day off, so he’s hardly gone for more than half an hour before he’s back home. Jungwon’s gonna be so pissed later, but honestly Jay can’t care, skipping up to the door and opening it excitedly, but quietly all the same.

“Hello?” He whispers into the quiet. He gets no reply. He opens the door to their bedroom gently, and is greeted by the sight of the five other members, still fast asleep in their beds.

Hey. Says his stupid lizard brain, emerging fromt he dark recesses of his mind. You should go jerk off in the shower.

And really, Jay shouldn’t. There are much better things to do with his times than beating his meat. But then again, when is he ever going to an opportunity like this ever again? Everyone in the dorm is either asleep or away, and there’s no one around to potentially catch him. Jay doesn’t just have the chance to jerk off, but to enjoy it. His lizard brain starts wiggling its eyebrows and Jay admits defeat with a resigned sigh, grabbing a change of clothes and shuffling into the bathroom.

It’s easy to work himself up once he gets under the spray of warm water. He’s always had a bit of a hair trigger, as embarrassing as it is to admit. It doesn’t help that he hasn’t had much of an opportunity to do this as of late, what with the chaos of their rapidly approaching debut. Just a few fingers glancing over his nipples and the slick slide of his hand over his cock has him biting back noises.

Fuck, he’s desperate. He tries to keep his mind away from the bed incident, because it feels like it’s creepy, in some way. Sunghoon was asleep, and thinking of someone else. Jay tries to fall back to old fantasies. Being held down and jerked off, writhing against an iron grip, made to come over and over. Pinned against a mirror and fucked until his legs give out and then pressed to the floor and fucked again. Always anonymous, no particular person or name or face. It’s hotter that way, somehow, to be taken apart by someone he doesn’t know.

At least, it normally is. But still, Sunghoon keeps creeping in. The unfamiliar hands become ones Jay knows almost as well as his own, covered in calluses from tying his skates, slender fingers leaving bruises on Jay’s skin. It’s Sunghoon’s eyes, dark and lidded, watching him fall apart. Jay covers his mouth with one hand, whining into his palm, goosebumps raising on the back of his neck as the memory of Sunghoon’s lips brushing against his nape bursts forth in his mind unbidden.

He gasps then, high and sharp, spilling over his own fist. His eyes flutter shut, little “ah-ah-ah’s” stuttering out of his lips as he comes harder than he can remember ever coming before. He doesn’t even have anything in his ass, didn’t even have to work himself up to a peak, wasn’t able to indulge himself the way he normally does when he’s not just jacking off for relief. But somehow it’s devastating, enough to bring tears to his eyes, enough to make his legs tremble beneath him, hard enough to have him sinking to the floor in a daze.

He’s still aching, wanting. With a hiss, Jay closes his fingers around his cock again. He pumps body wash into his hand, reaching behind him. He folds himself over on the floor of the shower, pressing a finger into his ass and twisting his wrist around the head of his cock. He has to bite his lip to hold back his sobs, shivering and shaking in place.

He feels almost stupid with pleasure, like the sensation is too much for his body to handle. Distantly, he wonders whether he’s getting heat stroke, if the water’s too hot and he’s just begun to lose it. It wouldn’t be a surprise, really. He’s always been a little insane. Throwing away his youth to chase a half-formed dream spurred on by a god damn BTS album. Signing a contract sealing him into a cube in the wilderness, away from civilization for months while every single twitch and thought he had was broadcasted to the world. Emerging from it all victorious, with everything he ever wanted within reach, only to risk it all again because a boy smiled at him and he fell head over heels in love.

Wait. Jay thinks, dazed and distressed. Love?

Almost unbidden, he remembers. Touches, both glancing and grounding. A palm that is wide and warm. Countless, careless, crushing, each one making heat wind in the soles of Jay’s feet. His breath hitches, he starts to make those pathetic whimpers again. And somewhere, in the back of his mind, he remembers the cool touch of a countertop against his flushed cheek as he looked up into a gaze so sweet it sent shivers down his spine.

Jay’s eyes cross and his mouth falls open. His back arches, pushing his chest into the shower floor. His toes curl hard enough to cramp. He comes, hips fucking downwards into his own fist, hard enough for the breath to fall from his lungs, silently save for the very end where his orgasm ebbs away and his throat clicks with the force of his sobs.

He feels good, liquid limbs and thick warmth but he somehow feels sick. He feels stupid, above all else, in all senses of the word. Come-dumb, mouth still slick with from his own drooling, but stupid in the way of hot shame as well. Idiot, he’s a fucking idiot for this. He feels as though he’s starting to panic, and for the smallest moment he’s happy that he had school this morning, that the members are still fast asleep, that the world is dead and gone save for him and his misery and his come, splattered against the tile.

Jay crams his fist into his mouth and bites down on his knuckles, squeezing his eyes shut as he begins to truly, properly cry.

[+]

“Jay-ah?” A voice says, soft and concerned, and Jay jolts back into awareness. He had stumbled out of the shower, dressed himself in the thickest and softest thing he owned and threw on a pair of basketball shorts to match. He had flopped on the couch afterwards, curled in on his knees and let himself drift. He had felt as though he couldn’t do anything else. He had homework to do and a game he wanted to try but he felt like his limbs were too heavy and his head was too soft.

He had heard the others, bustling about, having breakfast, making quiet conversation. They had spoken in hushed voices, Jay caught his name more than a few times, but he just couldn’t bring himself to respond. They probably assumed he was asleep, and he was happy to let them. At least until now, because as drained as he is, he’s not a complete ass to ignore someone who’s worried about him.

“Mm?” He manages, voice thick and slow. His eyelids are heavy as he blinks, looking up to see Heeseung. He blinks again. “Mm.” He hums, letting his eyes slip shut.

“Woah.” Heeseung laughs, settling on the couch next to him. “Rough day at school?”

“No school.” Jay yawns, leaning over onto Heeseung. He sighs happily when Heeseung shifts to let Jay rest his head on his lap, tilting his head into Heeseung’s gentle hands carding through his hair. “Got back super early.”

Heeseung whistles. “Jungwon-ah’s gonna be pissed.” He snickers. “Manager and the kids went to pick him up and see a movie. They wanted to know if they should wake you up but I told them to leave you alone.”

“Thanks.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Heeseung laughs. “So, if you didn’t have school, what wore you out so bad? You look like you either got railed or had a breakdown.”

Jay chokes on his next breath. He rockets up, almost smacking his head into Heeseung’s face, bending over and coughing desperately. Next to him, he can feel Heeseung hovering, frantically babbling out a panicked stream of “holy shit I was joking did you actually get railed how did you get railed you’re an idol—”

“Hyung.” Jay wheezes. He turns, slamming his hands down on Heeseung’s shoulders and shaking him a little. “I didn’t get railed, fucking hell.”

“But you look like you did!” Heeseung wails. “The only people who look so floppy are those who just had a mindblowing orgasm!”

Jay feels like he’s losing his fucking mind. “Masturbation is a thing!” He snaps back. “I jerked off and then got really sad about it, fuck hyung, I cannot fucking believe I’m saying this to you.” He retches. “You’re like a brother to me, this is so weird.”

“I don’t wanna have this conversation either.” Heeseung looks on the verge of tears. “But you look like a wreck and I was really worried man.”

Jay freezes, blood running cold. “Did anyone else notice?” He asks hesitantly.

Heeseung worries his lower lip between his teeth. “Kinda?” He tilts his head. “I don’t think the kids thought much, they just thought you were wiped. Jake also seemed clueless. Sunghoon was worried, but then again, when isn’t he— woah, what’s up.” Heeseung raises an eyebrow when Jay flinches so badly he shakes them both.

“Nothing.” He replies, too quickly, way too suspiciously. Heeseung levels him with his patented look of disappointment and Jay folds within minutes. “Just, can you tell me how Sunghoon was worried?” He asks weakly.

Heeseung looks at him strangely but obliges. “I mean, he also thought you were just exhausted.” He says slowly. “He just made me promise to make sure you eat and to move you to your bed so you don’t get a crick in your neck.”

Jay exhales a shaky sigh of relief. “Okay.” He says, more to himself than anything. “Okay, that’s fine.”

“What’s up with you and Sunghoon, huh?” Heeseung starts, tone joking. “Are you in love with him or something?”

There’s a very long moment of silence. Jay feels his mouth run dry, feels his breath stutter in his chest. Heeseung’s expression shifts, slowly, his eyes widen and flood with realization. “Holy shit.” He breathes. “You’re in love with him.”

“Hyung.” Jay says miserably, and thankfully Heeseung falls silent. Jay opens his mouth and then closes it, not quite sure what to say. Fuck, he feels like he’s going to cry, and he pauses to rub furiously at his eyes.

Heeseung catches his wrist. “Would it be okay,” he starts gently, voice so kind it makes Jay’s eyes fill with tears again. “If I helped you to your bed, and laid down with you?”

Jay nods, sniffling. “Please.” He says, voice small, and lets Heeseung help him to his feet.

[+]

Really, they’ve never been the kind of people to do this sort of thing. Neither of them are touch aversive or anything, but skinship isn’t either of their preferred love language. Jay’s fine to cuddle when others want it, fond of patting heads and holding hands but not obsessed with it, and Heeseung’s no different, at least as far as Jay knows. But today Heeseung makes the bed and pulls Jay down under the covers and into his arms and Jay lets him, wrapping his arms around Heeseung’s waist and burying his face in the front of his hoodie with a shaky inhale.

“Hey.” Heeseung whispers, stroking Jay’s hair in small motions. “It’s okay, I’ve got you. I’m not going anywhere.”

The tears come slowly this time, leaking out of the corners of his eyes and soaking through the fabric of Heeseung’s sweater sluggishly. He keeps trying to talk, keeps trying to get the words together but every time he opens his mouth all that leaves his lip is a strained little sob of a noise, pitiful and pathetic. Jay flinches at the sound, biting his lip, squeezing his arms around Heeseung and shuddering when Heeseung’s hold tightens in turns. “S-sorry.” He stutters. It feels as though his lungs are too small, not able to hold enough air, forcing his breaths to be shallow and quick. “I can’t— I c-can’t breathe—”

Heeseung makes a soft noise, sad and comforting. “It’s okay.” He soothes, slowing the motion of his hand but not quite stopping. “Breathe with hyung, okay? Match with me, just like we do on stage.”

Jay screws his eyes shut, nodding quickly. Heeseung whispers affirmation, breathing slow and loud and purposeful. He taps a rhythm into Jay’s nape, holding him steady, keeping him sane. Jay’s not sure how much time passes after that, he falls into a daze of inhales and exhales and Heeseung’s quiet murmurs of encouragement, lost in a lull of warmth and security. He opens his eyes at some point, blinking away the residual tears. Heeseung brings up a hand to wipe one away, smiling soft and fond, but with worry still clear in his eyes. “Are you with me now?” He asks, not unkindly, but Jay still winces anyway.

“Yeah.” He replies, hoarse and haggard. He brings one of his hands up to rub at his face but Heeseung bats it away before he gets the chance, as if he’s reserving the rights for wiping the snot off of Jay’s lip. “Ah hyung.” Jay protests, embarrassed. “I can do it, it’s okay.”

Heeseung huffs. “What do I have to do for you to understand that I want to do this?” He admonishes quietly, fondly, gently. It’s been a while since Jay’s had Heeseung talk to him like this, like a dongsaeng and not just a friend. “What do I have to say for you to understand that I want to be there for you?”

Jay lets out the shakiest exhale, and begins to talk. He says all of it, the full and ugly truth in its whole glory. The crush and the lust and the stupid fucking love he’s found himself in. The guilt and shame he feels for wanting more than what he’s been given. He talks until he’s hoarse, his last few words scraping out of his throat. Heeseung winces then, his only reaction, as he reaches to the floor and manages to procure a bottle of water.

“Thank you.” Jay manages, letting Heeseung help him sit, taking the water and sipping it gratefully.

Heeseung nods, looking contemplative. He opens his mouth, closing it abruptly, taking a deep breath and trying again. “Jongseong-ah.” He starts, very slowly. “Has anyone ever told you that you’re a colossal idiot?”

Jay almost chokes on his water. “Gee thanks.” He wheezes, thumping his chest. “Real sweet of you hyung.”

Heeseung doesn’t look very impressed. “You’re talking like you’re a criminal.” He continues, playing with Jay’s fingers with a frown. “If I didn’t know better I’d think you were committing to burning down an orphanage, not having romantic feelings for a friend. Which is, you know, a completely normal thing to do.”

“But it’s not a friend.” Jay insists. “It’s Sunghoon. Hyung, we’re debuting in just a few weeks. My feelings jeopardize all of that.”

“For fuck’s sake Jay-ah, Hitman Bang isn’t going to have you culled for being a boy-liker, even if that boy is your member!” Heeseung cries. He pauses, then snickers a little. “Hah, member.”

“Wow.” Jay drawls, raising a judgemental eyebrow. “Ladies and gentlemen, our mat-hyung.”

“Quiet, you. Go back to being miserable.” Heeseung retorts, flicking Jay’s forehead. He sobers quickly, the same angry furrow in his brow returning with full force. “But seriously, stop beating yourself up for having feelings. It’s fucking ridiculous and I’m honestly mad you ever even entertained this thought.”

Jay swears, running his hand through his hair. “You’re not getting it.” He wants to stand and pace, wants to grab Heeseung by the shoulders and shake him and make him understand. “I’m— he’s not— it’s like I’m—”

“What, betraying his trust?” Heeseung says mockingly, jaw slackening with shock when Jay looks at him with relief. “I was joking. Jay-ah, that was a joke.” His voice takes on a tone that borders the line between panicked and pitying when he pleads, eyes wide and disbelieving, “Jongseong-ah.”

“I am!” Jay replies, just as desperate. “I feel so fucking dirty hyung, like I’m using him however I want, like I’m violating who he is—”

“Have you ever considered,” Heeseung interjects. “That he might be okay with you doing this? That maybe, just maybe, he might like you the same way too?”

Jay looks at him for a moment. Blank, baffled, bitter. He starts to laugh, slow and dry and hesitant. “You’re kidding, right?” He says, skin crawling with the way Heeseung’s eyes flood with sorrow. “You can’t be serious.”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Heeseung replies, soft and sad and almost heartbroken.

“Because I’m—” he cuts himself off, gesturing vaguely. It’s not that Jay doesn’t have the words. If anything he has too many. Chic, bold, charismatic, headstrong, doting, stubborn, embarrassing, smothering. A sum of all the parts he’s ever collected, scraped together and shoved into his hands. A carefully cultivated image. A packet drafted by a marketing team, a packet that Heeseung has read before.

Heeseung lets out this broken little noise of a sigh, and then pulls Jay into a hug so tight it pushes the air right out of his lungs. “Don’t say it.” He pleads, voice quivering. “I don’t want to hear you say it.”

Jay swallows roughly. “Okay.” He says, and Heeseung sighs again. Jay leans forwards, wrapping his arms around Heeseung tentatively. “Okay.” He repeats, and it feels like ash on his tongue.

[+]

Niki finds him the next day. “Hey hyung.” He starts, hands shoved in his pockets. “Can you come here for a bit?”

Jay makes a quiet noise of frustration, frowning at the TV. “Little busy here Niki-ah.” He mutters, furiously mashing his controller, only for Link’s last heart to shatter and for the hero to fall to the ground, dead. He curses, throwing it aside on the couch. “Actually it looks like I’m free.”

Niki snickers, grabbing Jay by the wrist and pulling him up. “I wanna try something new with my hair.” He explains, herding Jay down the hall and into the dressing room. “And I wanna try it on you first.”

Jay blinks, confused. “Is Sunoo-ah not here?” He turns back and towards the kitchen. “I’m pretty sure I saw him earlier.”

Niki freezes, grip tightening around Jay’s wrist for just a moment. “Uh.” He starts slowly. “He’s mad at me.”

Ah fuck, now Jay just feels like an asshole. He softens, pulling Niki into a hug. “Oh Niki-ah, I’m sorry.” Jay soothes. He pats Niki’s back gently. “It’s just for a little while, you know he’s been stressed with everything, he’ll be over it soon.” He keeps his eyes shut, giving Niki the chance to collect himself.

Niki swallows loudly. “Thanks hyung.” He chokes out, kind of strained. He pushes Jay into the chair. “I’m really glad you’re here.”

He begins to rummage with something at the back. Jay hums, keeping his eyes closed. “I’m glad you’re here too.”

The rummaging stops. “That’s not really what I mean.” Niki says slowly.

Jay tilts his head. “Would you rather explain in Japanese?” He prompts, bouncing his leg slightly.

“No, hyung, you—” Niki sighs, sounding frustrated. “Even if I won at the finale, I wouldn’t have wanted to debut without you.”

Jay freezes. He doesn’t want to open his eyes. Doesn’t want to see the expression that Niki is wearing. “Niki-ah—”

“You keep us together, as a team. You listen to our problems and make us really nice food and wake us up in the mornings and I really like you hyung.” Niki rambles, his voice getting closer as he approaches the chair. “And I’m really sorry for this.”

“What—” Jay manages to get out, opening his eyes just in time to watch Niki start to tie him to the chair. “What the fuck!?”

“I’m sorry!” Niki wails. “But I heard Heeseung-hyung and Jake-hyung talking about you yesterday—”

“He told fucking Jake?”

“And I didn’t mean to eavesdrop but it sounded serious and I didn’t want to interrupt but I had to pee so bad and so I tried to sneak by really slowly so they didn’t hear me but then Heeseung-hyung said that the only way to get you to talk to Sunghoon-hyung would be to lock you two in a room together—”

“I’m going to fucking kill him.”

“And then Jake-hyung said that someone would have to handcuff to make sure you don’t run away—”

“I’m going to fucking kill them.”

“But we don’t have any handcuffs so I had to use rope.” Niki continues, breathless, almost on the verge of tears. Jay writhes against the knots, stunned when they don’t loosen even a little.

“Since when were you a fucking boy scout?” He asks, moderately hysterical, making frantic eye contact with Niki in the mirror. Niki stares back at him, looking absolutely miserable.

“I’m really sorry hyung.” Niki’s voice wobbles. “But Heeseung-hyung sounded sad and Jake-hyung sounded worried and I don’t want you and Sunghoon-hyung to fight—”

Jay groans, sagging his head forwards. “We’re not fighting.” He explains, trying to keep his voice level. He doesn’t want to get mad at Niki, he’s pretty sure that if he so much as frowns at the kid he’ll burst into tears. “Niki-ah, Sunghoon and I aren’t fighting with each other. No one’s mad, okay? I promise.” He tries to smile, tries to make his expression gentle and encouraging. “Can you let me out please?”

“I don’t know how to undo the knots.” Niki sniffles. Actual tears start to well in his eyes as he looks at Jay desperately, as though he’s just been bitten by a zombie and Niki has to shoot him before he turns. “I’m sorry hyung.”

And with that, he runs out of the room, slamming the door shut behind him.

Jay stares at the door. “Fuck.” He says plainly, and begins looking around the room for anything he could use to kill himself immediately.

[+]

To his credit, Sunghoon only looks mildly perplexed when he finds Jay tied to a chair in their dressing room. “When Niki told me that you had something to discuss,” he starts, voice playful and perplexed. “This wasn’t really what I was expecting.”

Jay rolls his eyes, hoping to God that Sunghoon can’t hear the pounding of Jay’s heartbeat echoing through the room. “I don’t think I want to know.” He jokes back.

“Honestly, given the fact that Niki looked about three seconds away from bursting into tears, I thought that he had discovered your dead body and that we were going to have to sleuth out the killer Detective Conan-style.” Sunghoon’s eyes dance as he speaks, and they only brighten when Jay barks out a laugh of surprise.

“Please, if anyone were to murder me in cold blood, it’d be you.” Jay retorts. Sunghoon gasps in fake offense, clutching his heart.

“Who, me?” He bats his eyelashes in a show of innocence. “Please, Jungwon is first in line.”

“Jungwon doesn’t want to kill me, he wants to make me live for as long as possible and torment me for his amusement.” Jay rambles, flinching slightly when Sunghoon pulls out a knife behind his back. “Jesus, fuck, where did you even get that.”

“Niki said I would need it, which is why my second assumption was that you had become consumed by bloodlust and was on a murderous rampage and I was the only one left to stop you.” Sunghoon begins sawing at the ropes, frowning after a moment. “Is this mountain climbing grade? Where the hell did he get this?”

Jay laughs, tilting his head forwards and closing his eyes. “I’d like to know what makes you think you’re capable of taking me down.”

He can practically hear Sunghoon rolling his eyes. “Who had the smallest arms of all the ‘02 liners again?” He snarks. “Cause it sure wasn’t Jake.”

“You shut your fucking mouth, in the scenario you posited you said that you were the only one left, implying that I overpowered Jake and emerged victorious.” Jay snaps, and the sound of the knife sawing through rope stops as Sunghoon starts laughing. “If I were consumed by bloodlust it’s likely that my strength would increase tenfold. What now, fuckface?”

“Fucking hell.” Sunghoon wheezes. “I don’t know, I’d just swing blindly and start playing the sad I-Land music and hope that your humiliation would bring you to your senses.”

Jay groans. “I don’t know why I put up with you.”

“You love me.” Sunghoon teases.

“Unfortunately.” Jay sighs, unthinkingly, freezing almost as soon as the words leave his mouth.

The room falls silent, but Jay is deafened by the sound of his blood roaring in his ears. “You what?” Sunghoon breathes, just as the last of the rope is cut, falling away from his body and onto the floor. They both flinch at the sound, but Jay collects himself quickly shooting up and to his feet.

“Ha ha, thanks man!” He babbles, high and frantic, stumbling over the rope as he tries to rush to the door. “Sorry I just remembered I had to go fucking kill myself—”

Sunghoon grabs the back of his shirt, pulling him back and around until they’re face to face again. “You’re an idiot.” Sunghoon hisses, eyes burning with anger but still crinkling at the corners with fondness. Jay shrinks under the force of his gaze, or at least tries to, but Sunghoon is grabbing his shoulders and anchoring him in place. “Jay, you—“

“Sorry.” He mumbles, eyes flitting to the floor, crossing his arms over his chest. His heartbeat is somewhere in his throat, fast and frantic enough to feel as though it’s about to tear right through his flesh any moment. “Sorry, I know, it’s only for a little bit and then it’ll be fine, I’ll be normal—“

Sunghoon makes a low noise of frustration, a strangled little thing that’s almost a downright growl, and Jay doesn’t even get the time to miserably appreciate just how hot it is because Sunghoon has removed his hands from Jay’s shoulders and cupped them around Jay’s jaw and is pulling Jay in for a kiss.

It’s nothing, really, in terms of the larger spectrum of kisses. It’s closed mouthed and quick and almost painful with how forceful Sunghoon is about it. It hardly lasts for a moment before Sunghoon is pulling away. His ears red, his eyes burning. “Jay.” Sunghoon breathes, thumbing the corner of Jay’s lip.

Jay parts his lips soundlessly, feeling his stomach twist into knots. “I’m flattered.” He whispers, because he’s certain that if he tries to speak any louder that he’s just going to cry. “But this is— Sunghoon-ah, it’s more than that.”

“I like you.” Sunghoon says, desperate, almost crazed, knuckles turning white around Jay’s jaw. “And I know you like me too.”

“It’s different.” He can hardly breathe. He doesn’t want to be here. “It’s… it’s more for me Sunghoon-ah, so much more—”

“How can you know that I don’t feel the way you do!?” Sunghoon snaps, the closest Jay has ever heard him come to yelling and it’s like he bends in half and breaks.

“You got hard.” Jay blurts. He and Sunghoon seemingly blush in tandem, but he manages to keep going, saying, “we shared a bunk, and I woke up to your… y’know…”

“Oh shit.” Sunghoon says weakly. “Oh Jay, I’m so sorry, that’s so bad of me—”

“You said a different name.” Jay keeps talking over Sunghoon’s apologies, because his voice has started shaking and seriously, if he starts crying now then he’s going to fucking lose his shit. “You said ‘Jong’, I know you like someone—”

Sunghoon kisses him again. Jay pushes him away, scowling. “You can’t just use that to shut me up!” He snaps, ignoring the fact that it absolutely works.

“Jay.” Sunghoon says, insistent. “Jay, your name is Park Jongseong.”

Jay blinks, feeling his jaw go slack. “Oh.” He replies, a little hollowly.

Sunghoon begins to giggle, eyes dancing with light. “Jongseong-ah.” He whispers, and Jay shivers at the honey-sweet way his name falls off of Sunghoon’s lips. “I was thinking of you.”

“B-but.” Jay starts, mind racing, heart pounding a mile a minute. “How— I don’t, I just— why.”

He falls silent as Sunghoon laces their fingers together, his breath caught somewhere in his lungs. “You said I was your one and only unit mate.” Sunghoon breathes, squeezing tight. “In a letter you wrote me with swollen hands.”

“Stop bringing up those fucking letters.” Jay snarks back on pure instinct, still feeling shell-shocked. Sunghoon ignores him, save for the smallest smile, exasperated and fond.

“I meant it when I said I’m here because of you.” His voice is barely above a whisper. His hands are shaking and slick with sweat. He looks up from their laced fingers and through his long lashes. He smiles, trembling and tentative. He reaches his other hand out to cup Jay’s jaw, running his thumb over Jay’s cheek, smile widening when Jay leans into the touch. He takes a deep breath and says, even quieter, “I mean it now when I say I’ve loved you for a while.”

Jay inhales a sharp and shuddering breath, fisting his hand in the front of Sunghoon’s shirt and pulling him in for a kiss. This one is deeper, longer, sweeter than the first two. He lets go of Sunghoon’s hands, looping them around his neck, letting Sunghoon back him into the counter and kiss him senseless. “You can’t take it back.” He warns breathlessly when they part. He looks into Sunghoon’s eyes, tries to make him understand. “I won’t let you.”

“Like hell I will.” Sunghoon hisses in turn, biting Jay’s bottom lip hard, smiling when Jay gasps. “Do you know what I was dreaming about Jongseong-ah?” He murmurs before he leans in to suck on Jay’s tongue, no longer sweet, now sloppy and messy and mean.

Jay’s eyes threaten to roll back in his head, fingers scrambling for purchase on the back of Sunghoon’s neck. “F-fuh—” He groans, head spinning, toes curling. He shoves at Sunghoon’s shoulder, creating just enough distance to snap at him. “I’m not a fucking mind reader y’know.”

Sunghoon just smiles back, syrupy and slow. His eyes haven’t stopped sparkling since he called Jay an idiot, like his happiness is too much for his body to contain alone. He brings his hands down from the counter to settle on Jay’s hips, one thumb sneaking up and under his shirt to drag a nail over his skin. Sunghoon’s smile grows wider when he watches Jay shiver. “I was thinking of you under me.” He drags his teeth over Jay’s skin. Light enough to avoid marks, but sharp enough for Jay to feel it. “Begging me to ruin you.”

“Christ.” Jay curses. Sunghoon laughs. “Your mouth, what the fuck, where were you hiding this.”

“You were almost crying.” Sunghoon continues, heedless to Jay’s words, kissing him again. Their noses keep brushing, they keep kissing between words and noises, neither of them willing to be more than a centimeter apart. “Your hair a mess and your eyes so bright, covered in my bites and my bruises, so fucking beautiful—”

Jay shoves him back, mouth slack, eyes wide. “Holy shit.” He says. Sunghoon looks mildly panicked.

Sunghoon stares back at him. His hands are hovering helplessly, as though he’s not sure where he can touch. “Huh?” He gapes.

Jay rolls his eyes, grabbing Sunghoon’s wrists. “No, you don’t have to let go.” He huffs, planting Sunghoon’s hands firmly on his ass. Sunghoon squeaks, flushing red, as though he lost all bravado as soon as he was interrupted. Jay’s missing the touches and grinding, but frankly this is much more important at the moment. “The mom and dad role thing. You were jealous.”

Sunghoon’s mouth closes with a click. He makes a little noise of distress. His blush has crept down his chest, red as far as the eye can see. Jay feels himself spark with delight, unable to stop himself from bouncing on his heels as he repeats, absolutely thrilled, “you were jealous! You wanted to be the dad!”

“Jay-ah—”

“You’re a possessive little shit! The biting and bruising—” Jay breaks off, wheezing, burying his head in Sunghoon’s neck. “Oh my god. Oh my god.”

“Listen.” Sunghoon whines miserably. Jay starts laughing harder. “Stop laughing! I was just, I know I don’t have dad energy and I was just—” He stops, clearly giving up when Jay throws his head back and practically starts to howl with laughter. He starts to laugh himself, a little embarrassed, sheepish when he brings his hands up to Jay’s waist and asks, “Is the biting thing too much?”

Jay has to take a couple deep breaths before he can respond. “No, that’s really hot.” He gasps, pecking Sunghoon on the lips. “I’m kind of a slut, sorta, so—”

Sunghoon groans, dropping his head to Jay’s shoulder. “You can’t say these things.” He pokes Jay in the side. “I’m going to be in the recording booth and I’m just going to suddenly remember you saying that and I’m gonna moan into the mic, I swear to God.”

Jay laughs. “Well that’s not a problem til next comeback, so we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.” He teases. Sunghoon looks at him, honey in his gaze, and Jay meets him in the middle for a kiss that’s slow and deep and perfect.

Sunghoon pulls away first, smiling when Jay makes a noise of protest. “I need to say something.” He murmurs. “And you need to listen.”

Jay hums, smiling stupidly. “I’m all ears.” He sing-songs.

“You’re incredible.” Sunghoon breathes, absolutely reverent, catching Jay’s face before he has the chance to hide it. “No, you need to—”

“Please no.” Jay groans, trying to wiggle away. “I can’t deal with this.”

“For me?” Sunghoon pouts, like a fucking cheater. He gives dopey little cheer when Jay gives up. “Thank you. This might be selfish of me and I’m sorry I’m making you uncomfortable but I need you to hear me because the more I think about it the more mad I get.”

Jay swallows. “That’s not very good.” He jokes weakly. Sunghoon ignores him.

“I can’t believe that you asked why I loved you.” Sunghoon’s voice is small but stern. As though it is a confession and a reprimand all at once. “That I called out the first syllable of your name in the midst of a wet dream and your first assumption was that it was about someone else.”

“To be fair, I assumed you’d call me Jay—”

“How could I not fall for you?” The question is asked sweetly, simply, as though it's the most obvious thing in the world. Jay falls silent under its weight. “Your heart is so big Jay-ah, so warm, so full. You’re so kind, in the quietest sort of way, so caring with nothing but nonchalance, as if this is standard, as if there’s nothing else to be expected—“

“Sunghoon—“

“I want to cherish you.” Sunghoon whispers. He brings a hand up to comb back some of Jay’s hair. “You always take care of the others to the point where you can’t always take care of yourself and in those moments I want nothing more than to hold you and love you and try to show you even a fraction of the love you give to us—“

“Sunghoon-ah.” Jay whispers back, voice thick and trembling with tears. He brings his hands up to Sunghoon’s wrists, still on either side of his face, wrapping his fingers around Sunghoon’s pulse point. “Kiss me.” He breathes, and he lets the tears fall when Sunghoon obliges.

It’s almost cathartic, kissing Sunghoon. It’s like it melts away the knots of tension in the back of his neck. Like every stupid emotion he had been feeling for the past few weeks had been both discarded and validated at the same time by the soft touch of Sunghoon’s lips. Jay kisses Sunghoon and is told that he can be pretty, that his love is not only noticed but reciprocated, that he is beyond what the world sees him to be, that he fits perfectly in Sunghoon’s hands, filling all the spaces between his calluses.

There’s a sharp knock at the door that has them both jerking with surprise, slamming their teeth together and falling apart with matching yelps of pain. “Are you done in there?” Jungwon asks, sounding exhausted and exasperated. “Or should I go back to grieving?”

“Grieving?” Jay splutters incredulously, ignoring the way Sunghoon seems to be contemplating throwing himself out the window.

“I’m never going to be able to have a moment of peace ever again.” Jungwon sighs. “Like good for you hyungs, thank God you finally got around to it—”

“You knew!?” Sunghoon and Jay shriek in unison.

“Ew gross they’ve already started matching.” Sunoo chimes in, disgust clear in every syllable. “Leave them alone Jungwon-ah, they’re probably already naked and putting Niki’s rope to good use. Try not to get lube on the floor!”

The two of them stand there in silence as their footsteps and fighting fade away. Jay’s hands clench by his side helplessly. He has no fucking clue what to do at this point, no idea what to say to fill the silence.

“So.” Sunghoon starts slowly. “You up for anything?”

Jay swallows. “I’m pretty sure that just killed any potential erection of mine for the next two days.” He croaks, a little weak.

Sunghoon nods sympathetically. “Wanna see how far I can stick my tongue down your throat?” He suggests.

Jay bursts into laughter, delighted and surprised. “Oh would I ever.” He flirts, laughing again when Sunghoon pulls him closer with a wolfish grin.

[+]

“Hey Sunghoon-ah.” Jay says, much later, lips brushing against the back of Sunghoon’s neck. Sunghoon, still clearly riding the high of getting to be the little spoon, happily hums in response. “You awake?”

“Yeah.” Sunghoon mumbles, looping his ankle with Jay’s. “What is it?”

“Was the team dad thing just jealousy, or did you also want to be called daddy?”

“Please.” Comes Heeseung’s voice from the other end of the room. “Please stop, or I will end your relationship with my own two hands.”

“I’ll help.” Sunoo chimes in bitterly.

Niki starts to giggle, his voice floating down over all of them. “How are you gonna end a relationship with your hands?”

“Knife.” Heeseung says resolutely, at the same time that Sunoo darkly says “Gun.”

“Knife-Gun!” Jake chirps brightly. “Gun-Knife.”

Niki makes a noise as he rolls around in bed, small and curious. “Is that a knife strapped to a gun or a gun that shoots knives?” He wonders.

“Let your heart decide.”

“If you guys don’t shut the fuck up, I’m going to murder all of you.” Jungwon threatens with the utmost severity. “I’ll do it. Don’t test me.”

“Don’t worry Jungwon-ah.” Sunghoon says, absolutely mortified. The blush on the back of his neck is hot enough to burn Jay’s lips as he laughs into Sunghoon’s nape. “I think I’m about to die from embarrassment first.”

“Good riddance.” Sunoo deadpans, and then he shrieks as Sunghoon sits up and throws the pillow across the room at him, and then the room is full of hysterical laughter and heated bickering and harrowed reminders that they have practice tomorrow morning, guys, seriously, and through it all Jay is curled up on his side, laughing hard enough to cry, thanking God and BangPD and everybody that it’s these people he gets to debut with, that it’s these people who will be with him to see tomorrow.

Notes:

EDIT: JUNE 2ND, 2025: This fic was privated for a while bc I didn't feel great about having it up. I feel like I'm more okay with it being attached to my account at this point in time, as long as people don't leave comments asking for more enhypen fics or requests to unprivated my other enha fics. I no longer stan enhypen or want to write for them. If I get comments like that on this series, I will private this series again. Thank you for your understanding.

 

[Original Notes]

 

You might think that I wrote Jake ooc but have you heard half the shit he says?? Australian people are fucking crazy. He probably hides it behind his stupid pretty smile. Also apologies for anything that contradicts with the timeline or inconsistencies, I did my best to check everything but I'm not perfect.

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Series this work belongs to:

• Part 1 of Our Names (No Spaces In Between)