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“Chan, you’re up,” the professor gestured tiredly to the front of the room.
Felix felt himself swallow thickly as Chan moved past him to set up his presentation, the scent of his frankly unnecessarily expensive cologne wafting gently as he moved. Felix had grown so accustomed to that warm, sweet scent that he’d accidentally Pavlov’ed himself into palpitations every time he clocked it in the air.
The classroom was arranged in such a way that allowed for Felix to have a full, unobstructed view of his biggest crush while said crush confidently addressed a class of tired college students holding various degrees of attention. With an absent hand, Felix began doodling on his speech notes, staring up longingly at Chan while the latter explained something to do with dichotomies. He watched the way Chan’s arms flexed naturally under his t-shirt sleeves as he lifted them to gesture to the powerpoint presentation, and how after he finished his speech he beamed to the class like a child hoping to receive praise from a parent. The dimpled smile made Felix melt a little further into his seat.
As Chan walked back past, he flashed another of those trademark smiles to Felix, who could only bring himself to respond with an awkward thumbs up. It was almost embarrassing how easy Chan could send Felix into a tizzy, but regardless of how many sappy romantic daydreams and sexy night-time dreams plagued his existence, Chan could NOT know about how deeply, stupidly in love with him Felix was. They’d been the closest of friends since the start of university, two years ago, having been paired up at orientation week for some dumb icebreaker game and immediately hitting it off. Nothing could make Felix justify the chance of ruining that kind of long-standing friendship, so much like the rest of his problems, it got smooshed back into the ‘we’ll burn that bridge when we get to it’ portion of his brain to leave him with the ignorant bliss of sweet, sweet repression.
Felix managed to get through his own presentation well enough, his intermittent glances at Chan’s reassuring smile doing absolutely nothing for the nerves he already felt from public speaking. To his relief, he was the last up for the day which meant once he was done he could make a swift break for the door.
Which is exactly what he tried to do, managing to get halfway across the oddly shaped classroom before being stopped by a hand on the shoulder, a hand that lingered just a touch too long. Felix whipped around to see who the hand belonged to, coming face to face with a smiling Bang Chan.
“Hey Felix! You did really well, I reckon you’ll get top marks!” Chan beamed sincerely.
Felix could have melted on the spot. “Oh uh, thanks dude, you too,” he replied, feeling his ears redden already. He thanked himself internally for choosing to keep his long hair out that day.
“Nah I don’t think I made much sense y’know? But anyway, I’m gonna head to the library to hand in some stuff, wanna come for a walk?” It was almost unfair how casual Chan could be, completely oblivious to the effect he had on Felix.
“Nah bro, I’m gonna head to the canteen and grab lunch before I head home, I’ll see you tomorrow though yeah?” Felix replied, feeling a little bad about not taking Chan up on the offer, but the other boy didn’t seem to mind at all, offering Felix a casual shaka sign before ducking off and leaving Felix to trudge to the food court alone.
-
Felix sighed as he stepped through a narrow alleyway and into the busy campus food court, a circular shaped array of tables and chairs surrounded by a ring of cheap cafés and fast food joints. The sun shone brightly down on the area as he ducked into a small bakery, grabbing a bottle of juice and a cream bun to soothe his woes.
Only a mere few steps out of the bakery, Felix felt his phone buzz in his pocket. He clumsily shifted his food into one hand and pulled the device out to see the screen light up with a text message.
Jisungie~
[image attached]
Felix raised an eyebrow and unlocked his phone. The image was a voyeuristic shot of himself walking out of the bakery. He frowned at the exasperated look on his own digital face.
Jisungie~
cryptid sighting. wild grouch spotted acquiring sustenance. could be dangerous. more news at 9.
Looking up, Felix squinted in the vague direction that the photo seemed to be taken from, finally spotting Jisung waving at him from a table towards the centre of the cluster. Felix weaved through the tables and plopped down in an uncomfortable metal chair directly across from Jisung, who was busy absolutely demolishing a cardboard plate filled with soggy nachos.
Jisung looked up, cheeks filled with food and a smile on his face. He swallowed it down with exaggerated effort before addressing Felix. “How was class?” he asked nonchalantly.
“Extremely enlightening,” Felix huffed sarcastically.
A mischievous smirk spread across Jisung’s face. “Did you get to see Channie today?” he teased.
Felix sighed, pulling a chunk off his cream bun and stuffing it into his face with a disgruntled hrmmph.
“So you did!” Jisung’s grin turned to one of satisfaction.
It was Felix’s turn to swallow, taking a swig of juice to wash down the bun, cheeks already flushing. “I’m literally going insane, Hannie! He’s driving me mad!” Felix threw his head back with a sigh as Jisung chuckled at him.
“I dunno how many times I’ve gotta tell you dude – just tell him you like him!” Jisung pushed, already knowing the response.
Felix, like always, delivered. “Absolutely NOT. I’d rather launch myself into the sun than have that conversation,” he took another swig of juice, “Besides, I’m not his type. He likes dudes that are absolutely jacked. Like Changbin. Those two are all over each other when they’re together”.
Jisung rolled his eyes. “Firstly, he’s well out of luck there. Little birdie told me that Changbin’s gonna ask Minho out this week, and more importantly – you’re an absolute catch dude! You’re smart, you’re hilarious, and you’re like, the third prettiest man that has ever lived!”
Felix narrowed his eyes in feigned offence, “Only the third?” he asked.
“Well, the first is obviously Hyunjinnie, and if I’m the second, that makes you the third,” Jisung counted on his fingers for added effect.
Felix took another bite of his bun. “He’s just so frustrating! Like, how can he be that unforgivably hot and nice at the same time? It’s gotta be illegal!”
Jisung scoffed. His phone buzzed and he picked it up, reading the message before glancing up at Felix. “Don’t worry I’m still listening!” he said as he typed out his response, head down.
Felix continued. “It’s like he doesn’t even know how hot he is, or maybe he does know and he’s just being a tease! Ugh!” he drank down the last of his juice and placed the empty bottle back on the table, keeping the bottlecap to fidget with. “And that dumb goofy smile with his stupid dimples! He’s just so cute that it actually physically pains me, god!”
Placing his phone back down on the metal table, Jisung looked back up to address Felix’s rant. His face dropped from its amused smirk as his gaze fell past Felix’s shoulder and into the crowd. With wide eyes, Jisung glanced back and forth between Felix and the familiar figure moving towards the table. “Uhh, Felix-“ Jisung attempted to alert his friend.
Felix however, didn’t notice. He slumped down in his chair and twisted the bottle cap in his fingers some more. “I don’t know what to do! I like him so much that it’s almost embarrassing, how has he not noticed yet? I’m surely not that subtle am I?”
Jisung felt fear grip him for the sake of his best friend. “Bro, seriously!” he loudly whispered at Felix, hoping that the urgency in his voice alerted Felix to the situation.
Alas, it didn’t work. Felix instead groaned loudly and covered his face with his hands. “He’s just unfairly hot, I’m actually a fucking simp for this man, Hannie!” he continued almost deliriously, blissfully unaware of Jisung’s warnings.
Oh boy he was definitely in earshot of that, Jisung thought to himself, anxiety rising as Felix ignored his warnings. He tried to clear his throat loudly and pointedly but Felix made no move to open his eyes.
“-And what am I supposed to do?” Felix continued, a little too loudly, “Just walk up to him and say, ‘Hey there love-of-my-life Chris Bang, I’d love you to take me out to a romantic dinner and then rail me in the back of my car until I can’t walk’-OW what the fuck dude!?” Felix shouted, words cut off by a sharp kick to the shin that Jisung not-so-subtly delivered under the table.
Finally, Felix noticed the panic set into his friend’s features, turning around in his chair to see what Jisung was staring at. In an instant his blood turned to ice in his veins and the air felt as if it had been vacuumed from his lungs.
Chan.
Standing right behind him.
Chan was standing behind him.
Not only that, but judging by the look on his face and the burning redness of his ears, he heard everything.
Felix silently prayed to every feasible deity that could be listening to wipe him off the face of the earth in that moment, but unfortunately, he was still very much alive when Chan finally cleared his throat.
“I… um, I forgot my charger in the classroom, I’ll see you guys tomorrow,” he stammered flatly, before turning on his heel and disappearing back through the crowd.
Felix turned back to Jisung with an unreadable expression. Jisung put his hands up apologetically, “I tried to warn you dude, I swear”.
Felix couldn’t even bring himself to feel anything but pure, unadulterated humiliation. Looking down at the remains of his food, he felt a queasy churn in his gut and quickly slid the bag across the table to Jisung before standing up and grabbing his bag. “Welp, I’m gonna go crawl into the nearest hole and die now, it was great talking to you,” he said deadpan to a pained looking Jisung. He had one more class in the afternoon, but he couldn’t bring himself to care about attending it. With a heavy sigh, Felix turned and walked out of the food court.
-
The sprawling campus felt dizzyingly large as Felix navigated his way along the winding pathways that led to the student carpark. Thankfully, he was able to get a relatively close park that day, meaning less time wandering around. Felix heaved his backpack onto the car bonnet and started fishing around for his car keys, eyebrows furrowing as he searched.
“Need a hand?” a terrifyingly familiar voice asked.
Whipping his head up, Felix froze as he locked eyes with Chan. Of course, Felix thought to himself before quickly shaking his head.
Chan stepped closer to the car just as Felix found the overcrowded keyring that contained the key to his busted up old Toyota. “Felix,” Chan started tentatively but seriously, “Can we have a chat?”.
The ice in Felix’s veins returned, and he felt an incoming rejection nipping at the heels of his heart. Swallowing hard, he glanced up at Chan. “Um, sure. Yeah.”. He tried not to notice the way the scorching summer heat was making Chan sweat, which in turn made his white t-shirt lose its opacity around the collar and down his chest. “What’s up?” he gulped, trying to seem as nonchalant as possible.
Chan rubbed the back of his neck, looking down at the ground. “Would it be okay if we talked in the car? For privacy,” he asked, “and air-con”.
Felix nodded, unlocking the car and gesturing Chan towards the passenger side door. How kind of him to make sure nobody can hear you get rejected, Felix’s mind supplied unhelpfully and he blinked a few times to reign in the pooling tears before getting in the car as well, turning the key to allow the cooling blow of the car’s air conditioner to hit their skin at the highest setting. Felix tried his best not to look at Chan as the older turned in his seat to better face him.
“So, I heard what you said.” Chan started, tone indecipherable, “Were you being serious?”
Felix swallowed hard, the suffocating feeling making it difficult. He knew he could lie, but after what Chan heard, there’s no way it would be believable.
“Yeah,” he replied, voice small and threatening to break. “I really like you. I’m sorry”.
Chan took a moment to process the information, looking out the windscreen as if deep in thought. After what felt like hours to Felix, Chan spoke again. “For how long?” he asked, voice unwavering.
“Just over a year now. It could have been longer, but I definitely realised I had a crush on you while we were at Jisung’s birthday party last year,” Felix could feel the tears pooling again and he furiously blinked them away once more.
“That long huh?” Chan replied, an amused tone doing nothing to hide the way his voice cracked slightly.
Felix blinked again. “Like I said though, I’m really sorry, I wasn’t going to tell you cause I figured you didn’t feel the same”.
Another short silence followed, and Felix felt a rogue tear free itself from his lash line and roll down his cheek. Great, he thought, heart tightening further at the knowledge that now he’s crying in front of Chan. Obviously they’d both seen each other cry before, but this was different.
Suddenly, Felix felt a warm hand on his knee.
“Hey, look at me,” Chan spoke softly but reassuringly, “Please?”
Against his better judgement, Felix faced Chan, eyes to the floor and bottom lip wobbling.
Chan squeezed his knee. “It’s okay, please don’t cry,” he said, and Felix felt another tear fall.
“Felix, it’s really alright, I’m not upset”.
Another tear.
Chan smiled warmly, taking Felix’s hand in his own. “I like you too”.
All at once Felix felt as if the earth had slammed down the breaks, jolting him into a state of shock. Surely he didn’t hear that correctly? He opened his mouth but no words would leave his lips. He glanced up to lock eyes with Chan, searching his gaze for any sign that he’d misunderstood.
Finally, he croaked out a soft “Really?”.
Chan chuckled softly and shook his head, “Yes, you doofus, I’ve liked you for so long, I honestly can’t believe you haven’t noticed. If I’d known that you felt the same way I would have done something sooner”.
Felix managed to finally pull himself out of his stunned state. “What would you have done?” he asked, surprising himself with his boldness.
“Well, I’d have asked you on a date for sure, something nice and romantic,” Chan smiled, rubbing circles into the palm of Felix’s small hand. Suddenly, his mouth pulled into a devious smirk. “And maybe, what was it? Something about the back of your car?”
Felix blanched, instinctively punching him on the shoulder, “Hey! That’s not fair!” he pouted only barely before breaking into melodious laughter.
Chan chuckled, looking down at Felix’s hand and then back up into his still slightly teary eyes. “Regardless, I know that I’d have definitely asked you to be my boyfriend much sooner if I knew”.
Felix watched as a pretty blush spread over Chan’s face and neck, ears a devastating shade of red. “Does the offer still stand?” he asked hopefully.
“If you’ll have me?” Chan replied just as hopefully.
“Consider me yours”.
Felix watched as Chan lit up into his signature goofy smile before the latter launched himself across the car to pull Felix into a tight embrace. Heart full, Felix hugged back just as tightly, savouring the way it felt to hold Chan as more than just a friend. When they pulled back, Felix cooed at the tears that now spilled from Chan’s eyes. With a gentle hand, Felix reached up and wiped them away, not once breaking eye contact. “Can… Can I kiss you?” he asked quietly.
Chan’s face brightened even further if that were at all possible. “God, I’ve waited so long to hear you say that,” he replied, before leaning in to press their lips together.
In an instant, Felix felt something click into place that he didn’t realise was out of place to begin with. Kissing Chan felt right. The pair moved their lips together slowly, savouring each moment, safe in the knowledge that neither of them were going anywhere. The kiss was gentle and loving, neither pushing to deepen it too quickly. Despite the frosty air being blown at them through the car vents, Felix hadn’t felt warmer in his life. A comfortable, loving warmth that spread through his body and made him feel whole.
When the finally pulled apart, Felix took in the sight of Chan’s beautiful pink glow and fond smile, committing it to memory despite knowing that he’d be seeing many more of those smiles to come.
“So,” Chan smirked playfully, “care to join me for dinner tonight?”.
Felix laughed, “I’d love to”.