When I Stayed Awake Watching the Sun Come Up and Light Your Face

by Zopno

Summary:

Somewhere along the way Kaido Shun had fallen into this childish fantasy driven persona. Years of pressure from home and being a burden on everyone had created a need for an escape, that's all it really was. Things started to look better once he met Saiki and the gang but the pressure never truly let up. When he and Kuboyasu Aren became friends things just clicked, and during moments when they were together nothing seemed to matter. Shun felt safe. However the ugly guilt and shame driven monster that is locked deep inside Shun never leaves.

Notes:

TW/ SUICIDE MENTION, PAST SUICIDE ATTEMPT, SELF HARM, SELF HARM SCARS, CUTTING, MENTAL ABUSE, EMOTIONAL ABUSE, (some) PHYSICAL ABUSE, SELF HATRED (please tell me if I missed any)

Hi frens, this is currently a work in progress! (I've neve posted one like this before!) I have about 11k written and I don't think it's gonna wrap itself up anytime soon oop. Did I write all 11k in one day? you bet I did. It was supposed to be a small hurt/comfort fic but oop, seems like I too have some unresolved issues that I love to take out on characters I love rather than go to therapy. And am I writing this instead of studying for the JLPT N1? yes, of course I am.

I digress.

It is a really heavy fic (so far it got a little fluffy tho) and I just want to make sure that you guys understand that. Kaido's mind is horrible to him and if any of the above mentioned trigger warnings make you uncomfortable or could be triggering, please don't read. I love you all and don't want to hurt you.

All that being said, if you have read this and the tags and said yep, I thoroughly enjoy getting my heart broken then please feel free to read. I would be overjoyed.

(Also this hot mess hasn't been beta'd so like if there are a billion mistakes it just be like that)

Chapter 1

"What's wrong with being childish?" Aren's fist made contact with the guy's face before he could open his mouth to reply. 

 

While the first delinquent was getting his face smashed in, the second, and smaller of the two, staggered backwards trying to stay up right. He had fear written on his face and dirt on his knees and hands from when he had fallen over after Aren had body checked him away from Shun about a minute earlier.

 

"There is nothing wrong with being Chuunibyou," Aren said through gritted teeth. He shoved the first guy down to the ground and turned to the one who was trying to run away. 

 

"Being childish is fine! Get back here!" Aren shouted at the second bully as he rounded the corner.

 

Aren glanced at Shun and they locked eyes before he nodded to Shun and ran after the bully around the corner. 

 

Shun could hear Aren's voice drift further away. He sat there staring at the ground. Aren's words stuck with him and they made his chest constrict. Those words he had heard others say over and over; whispers, mutters, sharp shouts, sneering laughs. Aren had never once said it about Shun. 

 

Childish

 

A groan from the semiconscious bully reminded him where he was. Shun stood up, grabbing his bag and dusting his clothes off. He contemplated waiting for Aren, but he knew that if the bully regained any bit of consciousness that he would be in trouble without Aren. Further, he didn't know if he could even face Aren at this point. Aren had called him childish and Chuunibyou. He couldn't think of a time when someone saying those things about him hurt more than when Aren said them just now. His best friend thought he was childish.

 

Shun knew that Aren was fast and if he were to come back looking for him that he would be able to catch up to Shun in no time. Being aware of that he set out at a fast jog. Being terribly unathletic he would definitely be tired when he got home. That didn't matter though, he just wanted to be home and under his desk.

 

Kaido Shun was childish. 

 

He knew it himself. He was The Jet Black Wings™ and he was put on the earth to save it from The Dark Reunion™ and sometimes when he told himself that there were brief moments of relief when he almost believed the lie. It was a way to escape everything and to be safe in a world where he didn't need Aren to look after him, where he could be important and loved.

 

Shun knew that if he was in a story that he would be the protagonist's side kick, the stupid and childish best friend. He wasn't the main character. No narrative would follow his life more than a few lines about him and how childish he was and how the protagonist had to put up with his silly antics. Kaido Shun was there to build character, he knew this more than anyone.

 

In Shun's own world, in his head, he was important, loved, and safe. 

 

Breath coming in gasps Shun reached his house and slouched against the wall. He needed to compose himself before he went inside. The thought of going in and eating made him feel sick. He would excuse himself and run straight to his room. Once his breathing slowed he grabbed his key and hovered it in front of the lock.

 

Shun didn't like being home.

 

It was no use standing outside, so he shoved the key in the lock and went inside. Slipping his shoes off he called out letting everyone know he was home. Sharp snaps of his mother could be heard from the kitchen.

 

"You're late! I hope you haven't been messing around with those delinquents you call your friends. You should be studying and going to the library," his mother said. 

 

Clenching his jaw, Shun held back a retort. He knew he would be in so much trouble. 

 

"Dinner will be ready in ten minutes, go wash up." It was a command. It always was.

 

"Uh, I don't feel very well, I-I think I won't need D-dinner," Shun said. 

 

"I cook for you, and you don't even say thank you. You don't even eat it. I work hard all day to provide for this family and you don't bother to put in half an hour to eat the food I slaved away cooking," she paused, huffing a huge sigh, "You better not use this as an excuse to not go to school tomorrow. If you don't have a fever or aren't bleeding out your eyes tomorrow you're going to school."

 

A lump in his throat that he couldn't swallow formed and Shun shook his head. "I'm sorry, thank you. I- I'll eat it for breakfast tomorrow! I promise I will go to school, I will be fine by then. I think I just need to sleep early today."

 

Throwing the pair of cooking chopsticks she was using into the sink, his mother turned to him, brows furrowed and eyes narrowed.

 

"Don't bother. Go to bed. Make sure you finish your homework beforehand. I can forgive you for not eating my meals but not for neglecting your school work," she said.

 

Shun nodded, "I will."

 

The guilt Shun felt was not unfamiliar and it was suffocating. He shook his head as he walked up stairs to his room. He plonked his bag on the ground and shut the door. He stood for a moment before he slumped onto the floor pulling his knees up to his chest with his back against his closet door.

 

The floor was warm underneath him. The house had heated floor boards, but the closest door was cold. Shun stared at a crack between two floor boards until the room around him disappeared.

 

None of this was new. His mother's emotional manipulation, her anger, her emotional abuse, his guilt, his childishness, hiding in a fantasy inside his head, people bullying him, name calling, Shun running away. It played out day in and day out like a broken record.

 

His mother had only really ever cared about his grades. Only cared about maintaining the perfect image and having complete control over Shun. It had always been like that. His siblings had it too, just to nowhere near the extent that Shun did. He didn't know why, but it had always been like that.

 

After spending months and months and months of his last two years of middle school studying for the highschool entrance exam, he had barely passed and was accepted into PK Gakuen. His mother had been absolutely furious. She was so angry, it was the first time he had feared for his safety. She didn't touch him though, but physical abuse doesn't mean there wasn't any.

 

She had only ever hit him once. 

 

In his second year in middle school, he returned home one day to his mother slamming a pile of books on his desk. Yelling about how he had been a failure with the middle school entrance exams and had to settle for the local public middle school and how he was so stupid. She pushed the pile of books at him, they were textbooks for the high school entrance exams. 

 

"You better not be a failure again, i didn't raise a failure," she said and left Shun in his room.

 

Studying every day for four extra hours on top of any homework, Shun tried to be better. Tried not to be a failure.

 

On the last day of his second year he had come home finally free, at home he found a practice test for the highschool entrance exam waiting on his desk. Doing his best Shun took the test and he felt confident in how he had done.

 

The seething anger that poured off his mother when she brought back the marked test made his eyes prickle and a sense of pure dread fill his chest making it hard to breathe.

 

She threw the test at him. He had just passed. Shun felt like someone had dropped a bucket of ice water over him.

 

"I thought I told you I didn't raise a failure," she said quietly and left the room.

 

For the first time in a long time, Shun had pulled his blanket off the bed, wrapped it around himself, shuffled under his desk and cried. 

 

Later that evening with nothing left in his chest and no more tears in his heart he crept down stairs to the kitchen. He brought back with him a small sharp knife and huddled back under his desk in the blankets. He took the knife and sunk it into both wrists as many times as his body allowed him. 

 

The blood soaked his blanket and covered his hands and arms. It was the way it should be. There was no place for failures in his word, not in this house.

 

His sister Sora had been sent to bring him dinner when she found him drifting in and out of consciousness. He had lost so much blood. He remembers vividly her shrieks and sobbs. Not much else.

 

Toki had been too young to understand what had happened but Sora hadn't been. 

 

Shun was in hospital for two weeks, he had been given mandatory therapy for trying to commit suicide. He didn't learn much, a few phrases, and was eventually sent home once he was deemed stable.

 

Sora and Toki had been ecstatic and relieved at having him home. Sora pulled him in her arms and sobbed for a long time. Shun remembers how small and fragile she felt with her head buried in his shoulder. It took all his power not to cry with her. 

 

They ate dinner silently that night. The only words spoken were “thank you”s. 

 

Sora and Toki had already headed to bed when his mum cornered him. She looked Shun dead in the eye, shaking her head. If he didn't know her as well as he did, he might have mistaken the expression on her face as sadness or worry. That wasn't it. It was anger, embarrassment, and disappointment.

 

She raised her hand and hit him across the face so hard spots appeared across his vision and the following day he had a hand shaped bruise on his cheek.

 

No one talked about what he had done, no one talked about the hand shaped bruise that lingered on his face, no one talked about the red bandages he wrapped around his hands and forearms. 

 

No one talked about any of it.

 

Shun's guilt and shame, his embarrassment and sadness didn't let him be in the presence of others without the bandages on. They hid his shame, and they hid the new cuts he would make when he had no hope and the world was spiralling out of his hands.

 

The pleading look in Sora's eyes when he came home from the hospital was the only reason he never attempted again.

 

Looking back, the bandages were the start of his fantasy starring him (The Jet Black Wings™) and The Dark Reunion™. He needed a new escape and a reason to justify his bandages. 

 

The buzz of his phone on the floor brought Shun back to his room and drew his eyes away from the crack in the floor. Away from those memories he locks away in a door hidden deep behind his fantasy.

 

He picked up the phone and saw it was a message from Aren.

 

A: Hey are you okay?

 

Shun stared at the message, he wasn't. He was childish and stupid. A failure and shameful. That's not okay.

 

A second vibration came through less than thirty seconds later

 

A: I returned and you were gone. That asshole was still there so I knew you were safe… but I'm still worried about you. Just let me know you're okay

 

Guilt filled his chest. He really was a burden. Aren, Saiki, Nendo, Sora, his mother, Toki; he was a burden to them all.

 

A: I was gonna come by your house to see you, and to make sure you're okay but I know your mum would lose it

 

There was a long pause in the messages and Shun just stared at his phone. 

 

A: Please just let me know you're okay. I want to keep you safe

 

A: let me know

 

The texts from Aren simultaneously made him feel guilty, extremely happy, extremely sad, like he had butterflies in his tummy and gravely sick to the point where he felt like he could throw up.

 

Shun had realised it a while back, these feelings he gets. Falling back into his fantasy world he blamed the feelings on The Dark Reunion™ and used it as an excuse. Only they would stoop so low as to make The Jet Black Wings™ have a crush on his first ever and only best friend. That was the only explanation he would accept.

 

The texts slowly burnt into the back of his eyes before the screen automatically turned off.

 

Any other day Shun would have made a remark back about The Dark Reunion™ and their devious plans or something about his powers being too strong. 

 

But he didn't.

 

S: I'm back home, mum needed me. Sorry I left without you

 

He retyped it a few times before he sent the message. Aren's reply was almost immediate.

 

A: I'm so glad you're home and okay. 

 

A: I was beginning to worry that something had happened

 

A: and The Dark Reunion™ had done something to you 

 

A: ;)

 

Aren's message had a single winky face at the end. It made Shun flush with embarrassment, disappointment, and anger at himself. He felt his eyes prickle. But he didn't cry because he doesn't cry anymore. Not since the night he returned from the hospital.

 

He put his phone on his desk, pulled off his school uniform, put on his softest pyjamas, grabbed his blanket and pulled in under his desk.

 

He sat there the rest of the night. 

Chapter 2

Notes:

TW: all the same from last chapter

This chapter is also SUPER angsty, so apologies. The next chapter isn't I promise.

Also if the characters are super ooc I apologise (I've only ever written Drarry so idk what characters even are lmao)

BUT I'm super stoked you're still here so, pls enjoy this chapter.

Shun hadn’t learned much in his mandatory therapy in hospital. The favourite thing he learnt was the word dissociate. It was a full word, round and nicely balanced, and it rolled nicely off the tongue. Also it was the way that he coped with things when even the world in his head couldn’t help.

 

Eyes trained on the ceiling, Shun turned off his alarm clock and didn’t move. An eternity seemed to pass by, and at the same time it felt like only a second.

 

A sharp rap on the door drew Shun slowly back to his room and he blinked his vision back into focus.

 

“Shuunn, you better get up and have a shower before mum gets mad,” Sora said through the door. 

 

“Okay.”

 

Grabbing his uniform from yesterday he chose a new pair of underwear and headed to the bathroom. He undressed in front of the mirror, he had a single bruise just to the right of the sternum from the one bully yesterday who had managed to lay a hand on Shun before Aren had stepped in. He looked at the person in front of him, dark circles under his eyes and a sharp downward pull on his mouth, it was like looking at something familiar but forgein. Something long forgotten, only a vague memory trapped in the back of your mind. Like a word you can’t quite remember and are unsure if it ever really existed or not.

 

The last thing to come off was his red bandages. 

 

The scars all up his forearms shined slightly as they refracted the harsh bathroom light differently to the rest of his pale arms. The thickest ones were from the time he went to the hospital. They were the oldest, but remained stronger than all the other thinner ones. They were thicker with more purpose. The thinner ones he had given himself after he had gotten home. Some had faded to just thin shimmers as thin as a hair, they were old. Newer ones were still harsh on his skin. 

 

Newest scars were from the beginning of first year. Before he had made friends with Saiki and Nendo. He hadn’t cut since. 

 

Shun ran his fingers across the lines of scars, turned and walked into the shower. He turned the water to the hotest his body could deal with and turned it up just a little bit more.

 

“SHUN! Hurry up or you will be late!” Shun’s mother yelled through the door. 

 

How much time had passed while he stood under the water? He hadn’t touched his shampoo, soap, or conditioner. 

 

“O-okay.” Shun hoped his mother could hear him because he didn’t have the energy or will to say anything else. Silence followed his call so he took soap in his hand and slowly ran it across his body haphazardly.  

 

After towel trying himself he pulled on his uniform and stepped out of the bathroom. Maybe it was the fact he was dissociating, maybe it was what his heart wanted, maybe it was he was just so embarrassed that even Aren thought he was childish, maybe it was a combination of all of the above. Maybe he just stopped caring again. Whatever the reason, he left the bathroom without his red bandages secured around his arms. 

 

Walking along the hall to the kitchen he had his school bag shoved into his chest ruffly. 

“You’re going to be late,” His mother shoved his bag again until Shun grabbed it. “Leave now.”

 

Slipping his shoes on he turned back into the house to say goodbye to his mother, but she had already walked away. Shutting the door behind him, Shun walked out to the road and turned towards school. People around him were jogging past, that would make it close to the start of homeroom. It was early autumn, not cold enough for Shun to need a jacket but still cool in the mornings and evenings— not that Shun felt any of that. Dissociation was great, you didn’t feel much of your body.

 

Every step forward made the roads he was walking on seem to stretch out further and further. In the distance he heard the chime signaling school had started. Stopping in his place, he was engulfed in silence. His brain was empty, and he just turned down a street away from school. He walked and walked, every step seemed to slow down time and by the time he reached a small park it felt like time had stopped all together. 

 

There was a bench and Shun sat. There was dirt and Shun looked. There was a bug and Shun watched.

 

Ants slowly started gathering around the bug. It didn’t move. Eventually there were enough ants around it to pick it up and slowly walk the bug away with them. He stared at the spot where the bug had been until there was only a single ant remaining. 

 

A giggle drew Shun’s eyes up and he locked them with a young mother across the park, she had brought her small toddler to the park. The kid was on the slide. The mother had a stern look on her face, like she wanted to say something to him. Even dissociated Shun didn’t want another lecture, so he picked up his bag and walked back towards school. 

 

The big clock on the wall of the school showed that the first period had already been going on for half an hour when he walked in to change his shoes. If Shun had been able to feel anything he would feel dread about missing home and coming to class late, about his mother finding out, having to face his friends, and everyone being disappointed in him.  

 

But he didn’t.

 

Soft murmuring from teachers in classes and the quiet shuffle of Shun’s school shoes on the floor were the only sounds in the quiet hallways.

 

He slid the door open to his classroom and the whole class turned to him. 

 

“Mr. Kaido, Thank you for finally joining us. You are late.” His history teacher raised an eyebrow at him in an unsaid question. 

 

Shun ducked his head in apology and mumbled something inaudible.  

 

The teacher sighed, before telling him to take a seat and she returned to her teaching.  

 

Taking his seat Shun could feel his friend's eyes on him as he sat. He didn’t pull out his textbook or workbook or pencil case. He just looked at the table with his hands resting in his lap.

 

“Shun.” Aren was leaning forward on his desk and reaching sideways trying to get his attention. Saiki sat directly behind Shun and next to him was Aren. 

 

“Shun!” Aren said louder this time, waving his hand in Shun’s peripheral vision.

 

“Mr. Kuboyasu, I will ask you only once to not disturb this class any more than it has been,” The teacher said and Aren mumbled an apology.

 

Sounds of the classroom slowly faded away, there was no teacher talking, no students answering questions, no sounds of chalk on the black board, no sounds of pages turning. Nothing. Somewhere, sometime, in the soundless space of the classroom Shun had found himself in, he placed his arms on the desk and rested his head on them. 

 

Then drifted off to sleep.

 

Shun didn’t dream. “Normal” Shun would dream, but dissociated Shun didn’t.

 

“Shun.”

 

“Aren, leave him.”

 

“Kaido-kun.”

 

“Let him sleep.”

 

“Ah, Chibi.”

 

“Nendo, leave him alone.”

 

“Shun.”

 

“Aren, stop.”

 

Voices of his friends floated in and out of his ears along with the class chimes. 

 

Shun slept. 

 

“Shun.” A hand touched his shoulder hesitantly.

 

Shun blinked against the bright lights, trying to orient himself again.

 

“It’s lunchtime, Saiki made us let you sleep but you should really eat lunch or you’ll get really hungry,” Aren said. 

 

When Shun turned his head, Aren was crouching with his head laying on the desk next to Shun’s and had a soft look in his eyes. He smiled when Shun made eye contact with him. Even in his disjointed state small butterflies fluttered around in Shun’s stomach having Aren’s face smiling at him so close to his. 

 

Shun sat up. It was lunch time already. He had managed to sleep through half the day, without his classmates waking him up, without the bell waking him up, and the most surprising is without the teachers waking him up.

 

“I see you’ve left your bandages at home, are you practicing how to control your power? Is that why you’re so tired?” Aren lifted his head up and smiled at Shun before reaching out for his arms. Shun tore his eyes from Aren’s face.

 

They both look down at Shun’s arms. The many scars maring the inside of his arm and wrists shined silver in the bright fluorescent classroom lights.

 

With a sharp breath, Aren’s hand stilled before they reached Shun’s arms, his hand shook ever so slightly. 

 

Shun felt sick, so much so that he thought he might throw up. It was as if he only just now actively realised he had left his bandages at home. He stood up in one swift motion, his chair scraping across the floor. Shun folded his arms pulling them tightly against his chest and tucked them as far beneath each other as he could. He didn’t have his bandages or a jacket to cover his shame. Even through the haze in his brain he could feel the shame and embarrassment tearing through his chest. 

 

Aren stumbled back at Shun’s sudden movement, bumping into the desk next to him and scraping it across the floor. There was no other sound in the classroom. 

 

Shun strode towards the door. He needed to be gone, to be away from the room. Away from Aren, his best friend. He couldn’t let this version of him face Aren. Shame bubbling in his stomach, his hand reached for the door.

 

Stumbling a step forward in surprise, Kaido looked down at what had just been thrown over his shoulders. 

 

A jacket.

 

Aren’s jacket.

 

An eternity passed, time slowed till it was all but stopped and Shun continued to look at the jacket now draped over him. It was warm and smelled like Aren. 

 

“I-I’ve been adapting it so— so if one day your bandages get destroyed and you can’t contain your power, it— it can help you. Because...,” Aren trailed off after stumbling over his words. 

 

Shun didn’t say anything. 

 

“— Because sometimes heroes need help too.” 

 

Failing to swallow the lump in his throat, Shun turned to Aren. 

 

Shun had never seen Aren like this, not even when they watched Marley & Me and the dog died. 

 

Aren had mouth turned down and pressed together so tight as if he were to let it go he would spill the secrets of the universe. His eyes wavered with unshed tears that had built up, and his eyebrows lay above his eyes pulling all the features together on his face into deep sadness. 

 

Guilt pooled in his stomach replacing the butterflies that had formed when he was engulfed in Aren’s jacket. 

 

Another person he had hurt. He’s not a hero, heroes don’t hurt people. He didn’t deserve help.

 

Stepping forwards Aren pulled Shun harshly into a tight hug, Shun let out a huff of air as he impacted against Aren’s chest. Aren burried his face into the top of Shuns hair. He was shaking lightly. Shun’s head was bent slightly resting against Aren’s chest, and he could hear Aren’s rapid heart beat and the shaky breaths he took in. Aren clung to Shun as if he were to ease up just a fraction Shun would crumble to the ground. That was why Shun couldn’t breathe properly, nothing else.  

 

Shun had an intense sense of déjà vu . Instead of cradling Sora against him it was Aren pulling Shun against him with his head buried against Aren. He felt the same guilt he felt when Sora had cried into his shoulder, he was hurting people he loved again. He was selfish and shameful. He needed to apologise.  

 

Not knowing what to say, Shun opened his mouth to try and find the right words.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

Shun shut his mouth.

 

“I’m so so sorry,” Aren’s mouth moved again against Shun’s head. 

 

Aren was apologising. 

 

Blinking his eyes Shun tried to clear the haze from his mind and bring him back to his body properly. Shun shook his head, and tried to apologise to Aren— Aren had nothing to apologise for— but nothing came out of his mouth.

 

Moving his arms which had been pinned between the two of them to wrap hesitantly around Aren’s waist, Shun hoped this was enough for Aren to understand what he was trying to say. Shun wanted to be there properly, to hug Aren and apologise and try and get Aren to understand— to try and explain it away as Dark Reunion™ things or something— but he wasn’t. Not properly. It was like he was watching it all happen, like he wasn’t there but he was. An inbetween state. He grabbed the back of Aren’s school shirts in his hands and balled them into a fist. 

 

If Shun had thought the hug had been tight before, he felt like he was being crushed to death by Aren’s reaction to Shun hugging back. 

 

Somewhere in the back of his brain, behind the locked door buried deep behind his fantasies, a voice muttered that ‘it wouldn’t be a bad way to go.’

 

Shame bubbled in his chest again. Why would he even think that?

 

“Let's leave. Go home. Go somewhere,” Aren said, face still resting in Shun’s hair.

 

“We have a test next period,” Shuns voice came out strange, too calm, too cold, disjointed from him. 

 

“Who cares?” Aren didn’t let go.

 

Shun knew he wouldn't be able to deal if his mother found out he had skipped a test. Even if it was only a small quiz. Shun shook his head. He had to go.

 

Shun was about to voice his concern when the door slid open. Yumehara was standing in the doorway.

 

“Oh, Kuboyasu-kun,” She greeted Aren before taking in the situation properly. “Eh? Kaido-kun?” She said stunned.

 

Kaido shoved himself away from Aren, and Aren let him. It was cold without Aren’s arms around him.

 

“What’s wrong?” Yumehara’s eyes darted between the two of them. Aren sniffled and wiped his eyes trying to hide the state he was in, but Yumehara had seen through it.

 

“Shun just, he uh— he just reminded me about when the dog died in Marley & Me ,” Aren said, stumbling over his words but coming up with a fast excuse. 

 

“WHY WOULD YOU REMIND ME OF THAT!” Yumehara shrieked as tears welled up in her eyes too. 

 

Teruhashi came jogging around the corner up to them, mouth turned down in concern. Behind her followed Nendo and Saiki.

 

“Chiyo, what’s wrong,” Teruhashi drew her brows in slightly as she spoke.

 

“Kuboyasu-kun reminded me about when the dog died in Marley & Me ,” She said, unshed tears in her eyes.

 

“W-Wh-why would you remind me of that?” Teruhashi’s eyes began to fill with tears too.

 

Nendo and Saiki reached the group. 

 

“Oh, why is everyone crying?” Nendo scratched his head.

 

“No reason!” Yumehara and Teruhashi said in unison.

 

“Hm, okay. Let’s get Ramen after school…” Nendo suggested it for the tenth time that day.

 

Everyone groaned, that would be the fourth time that week. 

 

“Hm? Chibi, why are you wearing Kuboyasu’s jacket?” Nendo squinted at him.

 

Seeming to just realise that, too, both Yumehara and Teruhashi looked to Shun.

 

“You’re not wearing—” Yumehara started to speak, but was cut off by Shun.

 

“The Dark Reunion™ targeted me this morning, they destroyed my bandages, I have been using all my strength to control the power,” Shun said as he hastily shoved his arms into the jacket, “Aren, a worthy addition to the resistance, has been preparing his jacket as back up incase my bandages were destroyed and I couldn’t contain my power.” The words spilled from his mouth without a thought. No effort on his part. A childish excuse of a childish boy. 

 

The jacket was big on Shun. It really showed just how small he was. In the big jacket it felt like a soft lingering hug from Aren, like when he would wrap his arm around his shoulder and guide Shun down the road.

 

Nendo laughed, “You look even more chibi, Chibi!”

 

“ Good grief,”

“If you were cold you could have said, I always have a lap blanket in my—” Teruhashi spoke up but Shun interrupted her.

 

“The Jet Black Wings™ doesn’t get cold! The Dark Reunion™—” Shun was cut off by Yumehara

 

“We get it, we get it. No need to be childish about it,” Yumehara rolled her eyes, and walked past them and into the classroom. 

 

Any lucidity Shun had managed to claw back was gone in an instant and his brain felt like it had been pushed straight out of his head into the space between reality and his body with her words. 

 

Shun walked out of the classroom into the hallway. Aren called after him, inquiring where he was going, and he replied mumbling about the toilet.

 

“Wait up, I need to go too,” Aren said and started to jog after Shun. As he reached him the chime indicating class was about to start rang out. 

 

How long had they been hugging?

 

Shun turned back towards the classroom and started walking. 

 

“Don’t you need to go to the toilet?” Aren said, falling into step next to Shun.

 

“No, class is starting,” Shun said. The toilet was an excuse to get out of there. 

 

Aren just glanced at him, any reply he had never left his lips. 

***

 

The quiz was short but Shun had stared at the page for so long that the words had melded into each other and then melted back into the paper. He shook himself out of it with five minutes left and scribbled down as much as he could. He just hoped it was enough to not bring his grades down.

 

The rest of the day blended together and the final school bell rang without any teacher calling on him. Shun just sat quietly by himself with his friends— Aren — staring at him concerned for the rest of the day. 

 

Shun was dreading having to face Aren again. He couldn’t think of anything worse than having to hang out with the Saiki gang and having to deal with walking home with Aren. 

 

As soon as the bell rang Aren shot up and took a big step towards Shun before Mr. Matsuzaki slammed the door open calling Aren and Nendo to follow him immediately. Aren tried to ignore him but was yelled at again. 

 

“Just wait f—” Aren tried to say to Shun as he was walking out, but was grabbed by the teacher and dragged away.

 

Shun sighed with relief and stood up, if he hurried he might be able to get away from them. He just had to worry about Yumehara and Saiki. Well not Saiki, he never really wanted to hang out with any of them—  especially him— anyway. 

 

Both Teruhashi and Yumehara started to walk over to them but were immediately surrounded by a group of Kokokminzu and they disappeared into the crowd.

 

“ Good grief,” Saiki said and stood up, “ let's go.”

 

Shun stared at Saiki for a moment before he pulled his things together and followed Saiki out of the classroom. He would have prefered to walk alone, but Saiki didn’t talk much so maybe it would be okay. Saiki never wanted to walk with Shun anyway, so it should be fine. 

 

As they reached the shoe boxes Hairo came jogging up to them, sweat dripping from his forehead. He waved to them. Shun felt dread fill him; he wanted to be alone. What had he done? Why was this the way his life was?

 

“Yo Saiki! Kaido—” He started to say but immediately cut himself off and turned in the direction of the tennis grounds. “WHAT?!?!?! NENDO WANTS A TENNIS MATCH????” The air around Hairo heated up. “I’m sorry, we will have to do this later. My one true equal is calling me.”

 

Shun watched as Hairo ran the other way. Saiki had already turned and changed his shoes, and was standing waiting for him. It was unlike Saiki, but Shun didn’t mind it.

 

After Shun changed his shoes they walked out and got to the school gate before Mera-san jogged up to them. She waved with a smile but as she arrived her smile turned into a look of horror. “AH! I've forgotten about my job!!” She turned on her heel and ran in the opposite direction in a panic.   

 

The pair had made it a block from the school before Toritsuka came jogging up to Saiki and Shun. Shun wouldn’t be able to deal with Toritsuka and would slip further away from his own body. Dissociation is fine to deal with things, except when he was expected to be with his friends.

 

“Yo, Saiki-san, Chuwawa,” Toritsuka laughed at his own joke before stopping still in his tracks, and his face paleing. “ah— okay— uh— I have to go.” 

 

Both Saiki and Shun watched as Toritsuka ran back in the direction he had just come. He was fast . 

 

“ Come on.”

 

Shun followed Saiki, neither spoke. Shun was able to shuffle along with Saiki and the silent but calming presence of his friend beside him was comforting. Not a single thing interrupted their walk. They didn’t even have any cars to stop for or small kindergarten students to dodge. When they came to the turn off for Saiki’s house he just kept walking towards Shun’s house. Shun hesitated, hoping Saiki wasn’t going to come over, but followed anyway. 

 

The last five minutes of their walk was as uneventful as it had been after Toritsuka had left. They arrived outside the Kaido house. Saiki stopped as Shun fiddled opening the gate.

 

“ See you tomorrow.” Saiki nodded ever so slightly to Shun and turned around.

 

Having never felt more grateful for Saiki’s friendship, Shun bowed his head. 

 

“Thank you,” he said after Saiki. He wasn’t sure if he had heard it as his mouth didn’t let the words come out any louder than a hushed whisper. 

***

 

After being lectured about homework and study, Shun went to his room and sat at his desk. He pulled out what little homework he had and got to work right away. He was so used to homework that even in his dissociated state he was able to go through the motions. 

 

As he was finishing up he got a text from Aren. He considered not looking at it, he was nervous. Even in his disjointed state Aren could rip through it and make him feel like this.

 

Giving in, Shun opened it.

 

A: Hey, I’m sorry I couldn’t walk you home today. Matsuzaki dragged Nendo and I into the teachers room and lectured us about graffiti! We didn’t even do it??? 

 

There were three eye rolling faces at the end of the text.

 

The screen went dark as it auto-timed out. Shun had been looking at it for too long. The phone buzzed again and the screen lit up showing he had another text from Aren.

 

A: Do you think you’d be able to sneak out?

 

There was a break and Shun contemplated if he should reply or not.

 

A: Do you think I could sneak in?

 

Shun really didn’t know how to even react. His mind, heart, and body, all disconnected from each other. All feeling different things. 

 

A: I just want to see you

 

Another message came through

 

A: If you want to see me, that is

 

Aren had no shame in double and triple texting people, neither did Shun. This meant their chat was filled with lots of little messages in rapid succession.

 

A: I just want to know you’re okay

 

Swallowing and putting the phone down, Shun stood up. He walked over and plugged it in to charge. 

 

He wasn’t okay.

 

Why was he like this?

 

“Oniichan, dinner is ready!” Toki called from outside his door. 

 

“Okay,” Shun said. He didn’t want dinner and the thought made him feel sick but he had skipped dinner yesterday, both breakfast and lunch today, and if he were to skip dinner today, his mother would have his head for dinner instead of whatever she had cooked.

 

They had Oyakodon . Shun was hungry so ate it all but he felt sick the whole time too. There was only a little small talk, and luckily Shun wasn’t required in most of it. He finished and they all cleared the table. Once all the dishers were put away, he excused himself to go study. He had to confirm he had finished his homework before he was allowed to study. Shun didn’t understand the world, nor his mother.

 

In his room he opened his textbook. Then just sat there. 

 

“Oniichan, good night!” Toki called from the other side of his door. 

 

How long had he been there?

 

“uh, goodnight Toki.”

 

“Shun, sleep well,” Sora’s soft voice came through the door next.

 

“Good night Sora,” His throat felt tight as he spoke, he had seen her glances over dinner. She knew something was wrong.

 

“I’ll see you tomorrow... yeah?” 

 

Shun choked up at her soft words through the door. The guilt was heavy in his heart.

 

“Yeah.” He tried to swallow the lump in his throat.

 

“I love you,” She whispered.

 

“I love you too.”

 

Sora’s footsteps receded and Shun sat at his desk, hands laying on the textbook and his heartbeat pounding in his ears.

 

“Shun. Go to bed, it’s late. Good night,” His mother said, after knocking on the door once. 

 

“Good night,” Shun replied.

 

She left.

 

Letting out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding in, Shun stood up to go get changed. He still had Aren’s jacket on, it was like a shield. It let nothing in, and let nothing out. He didn’t want to take it off.

 

Shun quickly stripped off his uniform and pulled on pyjamas. He went and brushed his teeth ready for bed. Shun pulled his blankets off the bed, which had been remade sometime during the day, and put them back under his desk. He grabbed his phone and hesiated, hand over Aren’s jacket now lying on his desk. 

 

Giving in to his childish wants, as he always does, he grabbed the jacket and wrapped himself in it before dropping to his knees and crawling under the desk and into his blankets. The jacket was warm and smelled so much like Aren that if he shut his eyes it was almost like his best friend was here with him. 

 

Aren

 

Pulling his knees up to his chest he wrapped his arms around them and then rested his head on his arms, face buried in the fabric of the jacket. Inhaling and exhaling, the warmth of the blankets and jacket, and the lingering smell of Aren calmed Shun ever so slightly.

 

He pulled out his phone, he hadn’t replied to Aren and it was now 23:30 and he felt guilty for not replying.

 

Unsure of what to say he reread the messages over and over, feeling more and more guilty every time the screen timed out and turned off.

 

S: I couldn’t stay around. I had chores to do at home. I’m sorry. I will return your jacket tomorrow.

 

It was a shitty reply but that was all Shun could reply with. 

 

Arens replies came almost straight away.

 

A: I’m so glad you’re okay

 

A: I was worried 

 

A: Don’t worry about the jacket at all

 

A: All that matters is you're okay

 

A: You can borrow it for as long as you want

 

A: If it helps even a little bit

 

A: That’s enough for me

 

A: Keep it for as long as you need

 

Shun reread the messages, his breath stuck in his lungs. After what felt like forever Shun felt like he could breathe again. Why was Aren such an amazing person? How could someone so amazing care about him and his stupid childish fantasies and dumb jokes? 

 

Shun’s eyes prickled with tears and he sent the only reply he could think of.

 

S: I’m sorry

 

A: Don’t ever apologise for this

 

A: You know I’d do anything for you 

 

A: You’re more important to me than you’d ever know

 

A: I don’t know what I’d do without you

 

A: Don’t apologise ever

 

A choked sob broke from Shun’s throat and he buried his face into his arms. Why had he spent the whole day dissociated only to come home and be hit with all these emotions suddenly. 

 

He hadn’t cried since he had come home from the hospital. 

 

Shun cried himself to sleep that night under his table and wrapped in Aren’s jacket.

Notes:

Thanks for readying frens, you're the best!

The next chapter is just 90% the kubokai we crave. and only small angst so yay!

and comments and kudos always make me so happy

Chapter 3

Notes:

TW: all of the things from the previous chapters, I'm sure if you've read this far you're already aware

This chapter is mostly fluff bc we love the boys and sometimes (always) they need that good sweet love.

“Oniichan, you’re gonna be late!” Toki’s voice carried through Shun’s door and woke him with a start. He groaned in response and he heard Toki’s footsteps receed down the hallway. 

 

Shun shuffled to sit upright. He was small enough that he could sit under his desk without having to bend his head. Not only did he act like a child, he looked like a child too. He slept under a table, talked about imaginary heroes, lived in a fantasy world, slept in his best friend's big jacket, and today he even cried himself to sleep.

 

Shun had been rewarded? Cursed? for his crying last night. He had slipped out of the dissociation cycle which could last days at a time on occasion. He wasn’t disjointed from reality, or locked away deep inside his mind, or outside his body looking in. He was very much now stuck inside his body, with all the emotions that had built up across the last few days. It was a relief to finally feel things. On the down side he had to feel things. 

 

He was flooded with guilt, embarrassment, shame, horror, sadness, and nervousness. Feeling sick to the pit of his stomach, Shun stood up, whacking his head on the desk before scrambling out of his room and to the toilet. Just in time to throw up. Shun had always had a weak stomach but the days he finally slips out of dissociation he always throws up.

 

Once he had finished he grabbed a clean set of his uniform, shrugged off Aren’s jacket and dashed to the bathroom. He hadn’t showered properly yesterday and he was insanely embarrassed. Not only that he had shown up to school in a dirty uniform, but he hadn’t washed his hair or even his body properly. To make it worse, Aren had hugged him tightly and put his face in Shun’s hair. 

 

Heat rose to his cheeks as he remembered what had happened. Shun pulled off his clothes and hopped in the shower. He would need to make it quick otherwise his mother would start yelling again. He wanted time to dry his hair and eat breakfast, too. Shun shampooed and conditioned his hair, washed his face, and his body.

 

Shun dried himself and got dressed. He stared at the red bandages on his desk, hesitated for a moment, and thought to himself how stupid it was of him to even hesitate. There was no way they were staying at home again today. He grabbed them and wound them all the way up his wrists, securing them tightly above all his scars. 

 

Running down stairs he went to the kitchen. His mother, Sora, and Toki were sitting and eating already.

 

“Nice of you to join us today, Shun,” his mother said. She didn’t say it like it actually was. 

 

“Good Morning!”

 

“Good morning, Shun.” Sora’s eyes were soft.

 

“Morning.”

 

Shun was handed some toast, some rice with fish, a tub of yoghurt, and a glass of orange juice. He knew he was running late so he started eating immediately. He ate fast and was just hoping that he wouldn’t get a stomach ache later. 

 

Managing to finish at the same time Sora and Toki did, Shun jumped up to get his hair dried, he couldn’t be late again. He didn't want to go to school at all, however. Everything he did yesterday was embarrassing and honestly, Shun doesn’t even remember all of it. He stood up and headed down the hall with a mumbled thank you. His mind had already drifted elsewhere. 

 

As if he had been cursed by some unforgiving evil deity again, his mother bellowed down the hallway to him. 

 

“Do NOT be so ungrateful as to not say thank you and not help with the dishes. You’re a selfish child, you never study and always burden me and your siblings,” Shun’s mum took a breath before she started again. “Look at them, they know how to clean up their dishes, they know how to say thank you for their food, they know how to help.”

 

“I— I just, I don’t want to be late, and I— uh thank you— I’ll help right now!” Shun stumbled over his words and turned around to head back into the kitchen.

 

“Don’t bother. We have it under control. Your lunch is on the stairs,” His mother said without turning to him.

 

“T— thank you.” Shun turned around and headed back up the stairs. He knew his mother was cruel and horrible, but it didn’t change the way it made him feel. 

 

Grabbing his lunch he headed back to his room and placed it on his desk. Then he went to the bathroom and dried his hair. It looked “normal” today, well normal for Shun anyway. He brushed his teeth and headed back to his room.

 

Checking the time and packing his bag, he kept glancing at Aren’s jacket. He wasn’t late today, and wouldn’t have to run to school. Shun slung his packed bag over his shoulder and walked over to the jacket that was laying on his bed. 

 

Aren said he could keep it for a while if he wanted.

 

Kaido shook his head. He had no reason to keep it. It was embarrassing that he had to borrow it yesterday. Shameful he had to sleep in it. It wasn’t his and he felt guilty for having it for even one day while Aren missed out. It was Aren’s jacket not his.

 

Aren’s jacket.

 

Kaido picked it up and brought it to his face. He took a deep breath with his face in the jacket, trying to recall what it was like in the hug yesterday. The memory was disjointed and almost ethereal. Yet it still made his heart skip a beat, but maybe that was just him imagining being hugged by Aren. 

 

No.

 

No. 

 

It was the curse that The Dark Reunion™ had placed on him. They were worried about the power of The Jet Black Wings™ and had found his weakness. 

 

Shun folded the jacket over his bound forearm and headed out of his room, down the stairs, and to the front door. He pulled his shoes on and called out that he was leaving. He only got responses from Sora and Toki. 

 

Trying to not let it bother him he shook his head. He was The Jet Black Wings™, he entered the body of Kaido Shun so he could escape The Dark Reunion™ and eventually defeat them. This was not his mother, he had just borrowed her. This was not his family. He had become family with the Kaido siblings that were brought into the world after him. They were his family. Saiki and the gang at school were his family. Aren was his family.

 

Taking a big breath Shun stepped outside and walked with purpose down the steps, out the gate, turned the corner and slammed straight into a firm body. 

 

“Oh, Shun, good morning,” Aren said looking down at Shun.

 

Shun was looking up at Aren, he felt blood rush to his face as he realised that they were basically chest to chest as neither of them had stepped back.

 

After stepping back flustered, Shun managed to mumble out a quick good morning.  Aren was smiling down at Shun, a smile that Shun knew that he would never get sick of. Aren leant down so their faces were level and smiled wider again. How had Aren managed to get so close again?

 

“You have more colour in your face today,” Aren lifted a hand to Shun’s cheek and brushed it gently, making the blush on his face spread, “I’m glad. You do feel kind of hot though…” Aren trailed off. 

 

“I— I’m fine!” Shun stepped back and grabbed the jacket from his arm, shoving it at Aren who took it. “Here— it’s yours! Thank you for loaning it to me— The Jet Black Wings™ would have been too powerful and all hell would have been broken loose— things would have gone everywhere—  people would have been injured— I could have killed someone, and worst of all I could have let The Dark Reunion™ know my location— that would have—” Shun stopped mid ramble. 

 

Aren had draped the jacket back over Shun. Shun blinked as his brain took a few moments to process it.

 

“What?” Aren must have seen the spinning loading wheel above Shun’s head and chuckled, “I don’t need it and it might come in handy.” Aren gave Shun a pointed look and winked.

 

Those dang butterflies were back at it again in his stomach fluttering around, all it took was a wink from his best friend. Curse The Dark Reunion™ for making him like this!

 

“Besides—” Aren paused as if he was considering whether to continue speaking or not, “—You look cute in it.” 

 

Shun spluttered something nonsensical, as no words actually came out. The heat rose in his cheeks until it felt like his whole face was on fire, and the butterflies in his stomach were actually a preschool class on a trip to a trampoline center who had been given free reign over the place. 

 

Aren slung his arm around Shun’s shoulder and guided him until they were facing the way to school. Shun’s whole body, every place Aren was touching him, was on fire. 

 

The Dark Reunion™ was going down. How dare they mess with Shun like this.

 

“I’m sure she’ll forgive you for being late yesterday, you’re a great student with good grades, but I don’t think she’ll overlook it a second time,” Aren said, and Shun felt the soft brush of Aren’s thumb across the skin just under his collarbone. It sent an electric shock through Shun, who suddenly found that he had forgotten how to breathe.

 

Aren had said he was a great student. 

 

Aren was the first person to ever say that to him. Shun tried to swallow the lump forming in his throat. He wasn’t sure he could trust his voice or his suspiciously blurry vision.

 

“Ah— y-yeah. C-can’t be late, again.” Shun stumbled over his words and Aren squeezed him closer for a moment in a side hug before they fell back into step heading towards school.

 

Trying to right his mind from the 180 flip it had done after leaving the house and bumping into Aren, Shun focused on each step and how each of their legs were in sync. Aren’s legs were much longer than Shun’s but he took small steps ensuring they stayed in sync. 

 

When he left the house Shun had been so terrified to see Aren, to go to school, and to see the rest of his friends. Then Aren was just there and he was just wonderful , just like always. It put Shun at ease. Nothing seemed to have changed. Aren’s arm around him felt like a huge barrier between anything that could hurt him and him. He was only worried about seeing his other friends, he just wanted to walk with Aren all the way to school, just them. Just being able to relax even for a moment. 

 

His morning had been short and chaotic, and Shun hadn’t had a chance to even think about what he would tell his friends about yesterday. What he could say. He was sure if he ran into any of them on the way to school, they’d definitely ask him. Shun didn’t know what he’d do.

 

Shun’s mind spun rapidly, ricocheting between; what he would tell his friends, the feeling he got when Aren had his arm around him, his mother, his school work, hoping he wouldn’t run into any of his friends before school, and the electricity he felt when Aren’s thumb had brushed against his skin—  which was obviously a mistake, they were walking after all. 

 

Trying to tune back into the world around him, he honed in to Aren’s voice. He was talking about the latest issue of Shonen Cognac. Aren swung his free hand out in front of him, dramatically acting out the final sword slash the protagonist had done to chop down the big bad guy. Aren then paused for dramatic effect before he started acting out the protagonist realising the bad guy hadn’t actually died. He turned to Shun.

 

“Of course that’s where they stopped! What a cliffhanger!” Aren beamed down at him.

 

All he could do was nod, everytime Aren looked at him like that, he felt his entire body going weak and he could see nothing else. The Dark Reunion™ was definitely using this against him.

 

“And I’ll tell you what!” Aren started speaking again, gesturing wildly with his free hand. Aren tapped his thumb against Shun’s collarbone for effect when he was making a point that Shun was absolutely not paying attention to. Shun was drawn closer to Aren when he tried to convey his next point by gesturing with both hands, one still wrapped around Shun. 

 

Shun’s hand, which had just been dangling beside him, was pinned briefly against the outside of Aren’s leg before he took another step and he had his hand back. Missing the brief contact his hand had with Aren he was spurred on and given the courage he needed. 

 

He was going to put his arm around Aren’s waist. 

 

Friends do that, it's fine. 

 

It’s what friends do. 

 

Friends do things like that.

 

It’s true.

 

Shun lifted his arm, but before he could move it to wrap around Aren, Aren had stopped in his tracks. Shun finished his step, ending up a step away from Aren, with Aren’s arm reached out still around Shun’s shoulders.

 

All Shun could think about was how Aren must have caught him trying to wrap his arm around him and been disgusted. Shun lifted his eyes from his feet up to Aren. He was staring out in front of them, a frown on his face.

 

Nendo

 

Walking out across the road Nendo scratched his head and pulled his bag up further on his shoulder. Almost in slow motion he was turning to Aren and Shun, but his head snapped forwards again.

 

“Ah! A grasshopper!” Nendo bent down slightly and ran across the road and disappeared down the road. 

 

Both of the boys stood still for a moment, before Shun exhaled the breath he had unconsciously held in. He had narrowly avoided having to walk to school with Nendo and definitely having to answer questions about yesterday.  

 

Aren stepped up so he was back in line with Shun before he took a step forward guiding Shun with him. They walked quietly up until they were in line with the street Nendo had walked down. He was crouching down, hopping along every so often, after the bug he was chasing, heading further away from them.

 

A soft laugh bubbled its way out of Shun and he looked up at Aren who was, again, beaming down at him. Aren let out a chuckle. Shun couldn’t remember the last time he had laughed like this. Everything at home weighed on his heart so much that most of the time the laugh came from his throat not his chest. Never deep within him anymore.

 

“Come on, before he notices,” Aren said and started to jog. Shun stumbled the first step but Aren’s arm around him kept him upright. They jogged the rest of the block— past the three remaining houses—  before they slowed to a walk and Aren turned them down a side road. 

 

Falling back into a rhythm they continued to walk down the street, turning so they were heading back towards the school, along the road running parallel to the last street they were walking. Shun didn’t feel like speaking, and he could tell Aren knew that, so he was filling the air with idle chatter. Shun was content listening to the rhythm changes of Aren’s voice as he talked and the low hum of his voice. Shun was so thankful to have a friend like Aren. 

 

At the next crossroads Mera stepped around the corner and waved at them. Aren’s arm tensed around Shun and a sense of unease rose starting in his stomach and grew inside Shun. Aren nodded to her as a greeting, and Shun raised one of his hands in a small wave. Mera grinned at them, she took a step forward when the wind blew, and a flier hit her face before it slipped and fell to the ground. She bent and picked it up. 

 

“FREE OKONOMIYAKI??” Mera shrieked looking down at the flier. She looked up seriously at them, “Tell the others of my fortune! I will remember you,” She said dramatically, drool practically pouring out of her mouth. She grabbed the flier in her hand and sprinted off in the direction she had come from.

 

“I hope the shop doesn’t go bankrupt,” Aren said with a little laugh, he pulled on Shuns shoulders and they started off again. Shun hadn’t been able to get the confidence back to put his arm around Aren again, but he was content just the way he was.

 

They got closer to school and more students in their uniform started appearing around them. This put Shun back on edge again, he just wanted to get to school and to homeroom without having to explain what yesterday was. Shun just wanted to walk with Aren. He just wanted to feel safe. A lump in his throat grew and a small frown drew Shun’s eyebrows down.

 

“Hey, you okay?” Aren’s voice brought Shun out of his mind and back to where he was. “Were you sensing a disturbance with The Dark Reunion™?” Aren had a small smile on his lips.

 

Shun nodded. 

 

“Yeah, b-but I was just mistaken. We’re safe— for now.” 

 

Aren grinned at Shun and squeezed him closer for a second before he started walking, dragging Shun with him.

 

Having gotten lost in his mind and with Aren’s arm wrapped around him, he failed to notice Teruhashi and Yumehara. They were walking together towards school. 

 

Shun’s anxiety skyrocketed. Why did he think any of this was a good idea? Why did he think he could make it to school without bumping into all his classmates? There was no god, no deity was on his side.  

 

“Kaido-kun!” Yumehara called to him, waving her hand. Teruhashi also held her hand up in a wave. 

 

There was the sound of rushed footsteps and before any of them knew it Teruhashi and Yumehara were surrounded by gushing men all completely smitten. The crowd’s chatter broken only by people’s “ Offu ”s.

 

Shun relaxed when Aren bent his head down closer to Shun’s chuckling, “Let’s go,” he whispered it as if it was a secret that only the two of them should ever know. Anxiety melted away into giddiness as he let Aren lead him past the crowd.

 

They were two blocks away from school and jogging up from behind was Hairo, he slowed down as he leveled with them, jogging next to them.

 

“Good mo—” Hair stopped mid sentence, “WHO IS TRAINING WITHOUT ME?” Hairo’s sweat incred ten fold before he nodded to the pair and ran off. 

 

Shun looked to Aren, to see if he had an explanation as to what had just happened, but Aren’s face was just as vacant as Shuns. 

 

“I don’t even know,” Aren laughed, and he ran his thumb across Shun’s collarbone twice. Shun’s breath hitched and I was sure that it was deliberate, surely. Thumbs just don’t do that. It’s just not a thing that happens, it just doesn’t. It was surely The Dark Reunion™. They obviously had something to do with it. There was no other explanation. When he found them, he would crush them and release Shun from this curse that is definitely destroying his chance of a normal friendship with Aren.

 

They finally reached the entrance to the school and Shun was elated that they were almost there and no one had— 

 

To the right of the pair Toritsuka was jogging with his hand up in a wave. He stopped in his tracks, blood draining from his face, just as it had done the previous day. Pale face, and wide eyes he turned on his heels and sprinted the opposite direction. 

 

The boys just shook their heads at each other before continuing on. They had finally arrived at school. Shun was relieved he’d finally made it to school and hadn’t had to explain to anyone or answer any questions about what yesterday had been. However; on the other hand, it meant that he and Aren weren’t walking side by side anymore. 

 

Shun missed the warmth of Aren’s body next to his as he let go of Shun so they could both change their shoes. 

 

When he finished changing his shoes he turned around to see if Aren had finished too, but was met with someone else. Saiki was standing behind him, having just changed his shoes. 

 

How did they not see Saiki? Had they ignored him accidentally? 

 

“O-oh, Saiki, good morning,” Shun said, as Aren walked up to them.

 

“Saiki, good morning,” Aren said and clapped a hand on Saiki’s back for just a moment.

 

Saiki just nodded in a reply.

 

“Uh, Saiki— thank you,” Shun said and both Saiki and Aren turned to Shun. “Oh— ah— for yesterday! Thank you for walking me home.”

 

Out of the corner of his eye, Shun saw Aren tense. Was he going to be upset that Shun had walked home with Saiki instead of waiting for Aren? Was he going to be mad?

 

“Saiki! Thank you for making sure Shun got home safely!” Aren bowed his head slightly as he said this. 

 

“ You’re welcome…. Good grief,” Saiki said in reply, his catchphrase was so quiet that Shun could almost not hear it. 

 

That or the blood pounding in his ears was making it hard to hear.

 

What was Aren doing? You don’t thank people for walking your friend home like that normally right? That’s not how it goes. Only boyfriends say that when someone walks their girlfriend home in the middle of the night or something. Friends— friends don’t do that right?

 

Right?  

 

How dare The Dark Reunion™ continue to mess with The Jet Black Wings™ and his best friend— best comrade in the fight against them.

“Shun, let’s go to class,” Aren said and wrapped his arm around Shun again. He led them both to their classroom. It had filled up quickly. 

 

The chime rang.

 

Aren smiled down at Shun before he dragged his hand lightly along Shun’s shoulder, across the back of his neck, down his back to his waist and then let go.

 

The path Aren’s hands traveled left a burning trail on his skin, he felt like he could combust. His face rapidly heated up, so hot that Shun was worried he might boil his own blood.

 

Shun plonked down at his desk when the teacher walked in, he wasn’t able to concentrate on class after that, for reasons very different to the previous day. His mind drifted back again and again to his best friend.

Notes:

I hope you ejoyed that little fluff! It was a little shorter than I had planned but that's okay I guess. The next chapter will probs be longer, but also v angst again I think. Who knows It's not written yet wops.
I DIGRESS.
I do have a plan for the fic now tho! we love that lol when will it end tho? who knows?
Anyway I hope you enjoyed it!
leave me a comment if you are sick of my angsty bullshit and just want the rest of the fic to be fluff bc sometimes same (but I crave the pain so I'm sorry that that won't happen)

Chapter 4

Notes:

TW: everything in previous chapters, brief depeicitons of violence

LOOK WHOMST IS BACK ON THEIR ANGSTY BULLSHIT AGAIN (hint its me) (but like it's not THAT BAD this time, maybe idk u decide)

pls enjoy this mess that I wrote like 4 days ago and refused to reread and edit untill today

The day progressed and lunch came and went. 

 

Shun hadn’t felt this safe in a long time. He had Aren’s jacket wrapped around him, it was slightly too warm but he didn’t mind. None of his friends mentioned it or ventured to ask Shun about what had happened yesterday. He was grateful for his friends. His Traitor Brain™, always tells him he doesn’t have friends; they’re just taking pity on him and hanging out with him because he follows them around. They only invite him because it’s awkward when they’re making plans and he’s there so they just give in and invite Shun. It tells him he doesn’t deserve friends.

 

Rational Brain™ Shun knows that it is the work of The Dark Reunion™ and that The Jet Black Wings™ does indeed have and deserve friends. However, that brain can get buried sometimes.

 

At lunch Yumehara talked about what was happening next with the Occult Club and Nendo invited everyone for Ramen the following day and Shun had agreed to go. He would convince his mother to let him go. Aren and Nendo talked about the plot twist with Shonen Cognac’s last chapter. Teruhashi and Yumehara talked about a new department store that was opening up in the town one town over. Shun and Saiki sat quietly listening to the chatter.

 

He and Aren sat side by side, Aren so close their legs were gently touching. Occasionally he would bump his shoulder against Shun’s when he would say something. 

 

Shun was so grateful for Aren, he couldn’t ask for a better best friend— ally. He loved A— he loved having Aren as an ally in the fight against The Dark Reunion™. He was an important asset and he made The Resistance™ stronger by being there. 

 

Their last class of the day was traditional Japanese literature. The class that had the quiz yesterday. 

 

Unease built in Shun as he sat back down in his chair after the break. He had managed to scribble some answers down in the last few minutes. However, he doesn’t remember the questions let alone if he had made any sense in the quiz itself.

 

The teacher walked up and down the rows handing the quiz sheets out to each student. She had managed to mark them fast. When she arrived at Shun’s desk he could hear his pulse pumping so loud in his ears that he couldn’t hear anything else. Shun had always been good at this class. He loved stories and literature. Sure the stuff was really old and is written in old characters which aren’t used anymore so it’s hard to read, but it was one of his favorite classes. He was good at it. 

 

With a sigh, the teacher handed Shun the test. Shun’s hands shook when he took the paper, he couldn’t bring himself to look at it. This was his best class, his grade was the highest in this class out of all the others he took. If he didn’t do well on the quiz it would definitely bring down his grade. 

 

The teacher had sighed, not a good sign .

 

Maybe he had just done below his average standard and she was disappointed by that? 

 

Maybe he had gotten a B- instead of an A?

 

An F glared back at Shun in big red pen once he had built the courage to look down. 

 

A cold wave washed over Shun. 

 

He couldn’t breathe.

 

The room faded into the background losing colour until the only thing that remained was the red pen on the paper.

 

His grade would be pulled down.

 

His mum would kill him. 

 

He couldn’t have failed.

 

Something was up.

 

It had to be.

 

Shun was good at this class. There is no way he would get an F. 

 

There was only one logical explanation.

 

The Dark Reunion ™.

 

Shun stared at the page until the F was burnt into the back of his eyes. If he closed them, he’d still see the imprint. He could hear nothing over the pounding in his ears.

 

A strong gust of wind whipped around the classroom in a tornado-like fashion sending everyone’s papers flying. Confused voices turned to shrieks as the front door to the classroom slammed open. 

 

Two dark hooded figures strode into the classroom. 

 

Chaos ensued, students scrambled out of their seats, tripping over tables and chairs. Shun stood up too, he looked over to Aren who was already looking at him. He nodded slightly. 

 

The students that had headed to the back door to the classroom, only shreaked again as the door was slammed open and another two stormed in. The students scrambled back over chairs and tables that were now thrown across the ground. The wind grew stronger yet again.

 

Shun pushed through the students until he was at the front of the pack between them and the intruders.

 

A crash, followed by glass flying everywhere by more shrieks from students came as another two figures flew in through the windows, pushing the students further into the corner of the room. 

 

One of the men tilted his head up so his face was no longer obscured by his hood. His face was sharp and angry, he had a sneer contorting his face.

 

“The Jet Black Wings™ you didn’t think you could hide forever did you?” The man cackled and took a step forward.

 

The Dark Reunion ™ 

 

More screams erupted from the students as they began to huddle behind Shun, finally understanding what was happening. The Dark Reunion™ members were slowly closing in, even the teacher ended up standing behind Shun. The only people not behind him were Aren—who was standing right beside him— Saiki, Nendo, and Hairo. The other three were standing slightly to the side, helping block the rest of the class. 

 

“Shun, I’ll take the guys at the window, you take the rest,” Aren said, nodding at Shun. 

 

“We’ll help Aren!” Hairo started sweating, with Saiki and Nendo nodding in agreement. 

 

Shun turned to the four henchmen of The Dark Reunion™ that were making their way across the classroom.

 

“You think you can just walk into my classroom and attack my family and friends and get away with it? You will regret angering The Jet Black Wings™” Shun spoke, stepping forwards and reaching up to his bandages. 

 

The closest henchman flinched a little and hesitated in his place.

 

Shun started to unwind his bandages, power flowing through him. The wind in the room increased tenfold with his hair and clothes thrashing violently against him. He smirked at the men facing him, who had all stopped in their place. Shun’s energy— The Jet Black Wing’s™ energy— dissipating through the air leaving the feel of electricity flowing through everything.  

 

Behind him Shun heard the sounds of punches being thrown and blocks being parried. He glanced over to see Aren in a tight wrestle with one of the men and the other three surrounding the other. 

 

Sensing movement back in front of him, Shun turned to see one of the Dark Reunion™ henchmen starting to run at him. 

 

He would have to worry about his friends later .

 

Shun launched himself onto the table in front of him, it was easy with his power finally set free, he then leaped across two tables to the table adjacent to the closest enemy. In one swift motion he swung his leg up with a small jump and roundhouse kicked the man square in the chest. 

 

The force of Shun’s kick sent the henchman flying, making a pathway through the chairs and tables, he smacked into a second man and they both slammed into the wall at the far end of the classroom. Neither stood up.

 

One of the remaining two ran at Shun and vaulted over the table in front of him and then up onto the next one so he was standing on the table in front of Shun. Shun smirked and the man hesitated. 

 

Never give The Jet Black Wings™ an opening. You will (won’t) live to regret it.

 

Shun took the opening and sprung at the man, his fist colliding with his face. The man crumpled unconscious before he even hit the wall he was thrown into. Behind Shun there were gasps of surprise and appreciation from the student’s. 

 

Shun turned to the last man who also started running at Shun.

 

“ Dark Dragon CANNON™” 

 

Electricity in the air spiked for a second before it all channeled into one large lightning bolt which struck the fourth man, who collapsed immediately. Gasps and mummering bubbled from the students he was protecting. 

 

Struggling grunts followed by shrieks of horror coming from the left of Shun drew his eyes from the henchman he had just electrocuted to his best friends and allies still fighting. His eyes landing on the continuing fight he saw that the Dark Reunion™ soldier that had been fighting Aren had just pulled out a long sharp sword. The other henchman who Saiki, Nendo, and Hairo had been fighting also drew his sword.

 

— Mr. Kaido— 

 

“ Dark PHANTOM” The air around Shun flouried up once again, the room darkened, and a large deep purple phantom appeared out of Shun. It began towering out over the men.

 

— Mr. Kaido—

 

The two men’s grip on the swords began to shake and waiver.

 

— Mr. Kaido— 

 

“Th-th- The B-b-b-black B-beat™“ One of them stuttered over his words and started shuffling back away. 

 

— MR. Kaido— 

  

Shun drew up taller in preparation to take down the final two henchmen at once in one final move, to save his friends.

 

— CLASS— 

 

Shun felt a zap through his brain as the word was all but shot into him. He blinked trying to orient himself.

 

Looking around the room he saw the teacher standing in front of his desk, hand on her hips and her eyebrows drawn down into a big scowl, all the desks were perfectly aligned where they usually are with all the students sat quietly at them, and Aren was staring at him lips pulled tightly into a worried frown.

 

Shun shook his head trying to clear the haze clouding his brain.

 

“No, you won’t read the next paragraph?” His teacher’s frown deepened and the words were spat from her mouth. 

 

Bile rose in the back of his throat and his head started pounding.

 

“Ah-a— yes I-i will,” Shun said, and looked down at the book in front of him. “Wh-what page?” 

 

“I’m not sure what’s been happening with you lately Mr. Kaido, but it’s very disappointing,” The teacher shook her head.

 

Disappointing. 

 

The unease in Shun’s stomach turned to a full blown need to throw up. He felt a drip of sweat roll down his back as he tried to calm his stomach. 

 

— PAGE FIFTY NINE PARAGRAPH FOUR— 

 

The zap in his brain caused him to blink again before looking down at the book. 

 

“P-paragraph four, page fifty nine, yes?” Shun hesitantly looked up at the teacher, any fast movement of his eyes or head made the need to vomit even worse.

 

“Yes if you would like to not receive detention I suggest you start there,” The teacher said, not impressed at all.

 

The idea of having detention and having to face his mother made him incredibly nauseous. Shun swallowed hard before opening his mouth slightly to test to see if he was going to throw up. 

 

He didn’t.

 

So he took a deep breath trying to drive away the throbbing in his head and the need to throw up and started to read.

 

***

 

The class ended, and homeroom began. Shun couldn’t shake off the need to throw up. He couldn’t wait till the end of homeroom so he could go to the toilet and let his poor body do what it needed to do. He cursed his human body that was weak and became nauseous easily. Drifting in and out of the mind control projection that The Dark Reunion™ have been sending out to locate The Jet Black Wings™ makes his pitiful body incredibly queasy and oftentimes very nauseous. 

 

He just wanted to be out of here, he didn’t want to go home, but he especially didn’t want to be here. Shun couldn’t face his friends like this. He didn’t know what he was going to tell his mother. She was surely going to ground him and not let him do anything for a long time. He was supposed to hang out with his friends tomorrow. They were going to go get Ramen.

 

He was going to be happy . 

 

Along with the fear, nausea, anger, guilt, and disappointment; sadness grew in his chest constricting it making breathing particularly hard. 

 

Shun didn’t have cleaning duty, if he was lucky he could make it to the toilet and leave school before most of his friends could follow him.

 

Nendo, Teruhashi, Yumehara had cleaning duty.

 

Aren and Saiki didn’t.

 

Brain concentrating on making sure that he didn’t end up being sick during homeroom, and heart pounding in his ears, Shun tried to figure out if he wanted to walk home with Aren not. Shun was one thousand percent sure Aren would do everything in his power to walk home with him. Aren’s wriggling in his seat kept drawing Shun’s attention and when he glanced over Aren had been looking back at him.

 

Walking home with Saiki would be okay. Shun had been grateful for Saiki’s calming quiet presence next to him. 

 

Guilt reared its ugly head further inside Shun as he began to want to escape school without Aren. He was trying to run away from his best friend and hide . He was avoiding Aren. Aren didn’t do anything to deserve that. It was Shun’s fault that he was like this. He didn’t deserve a friend like Aren. Aren didn’t deserve having a terrible friend like Shun.

 

The end of school chime cut through Shun’s spiraling thoughts, he stood up swiftly scrambled to grab his bag and dashed towards the bathroom. He bumped into Takahashi, knocking him over. Shun didn’t apologise, he couldn’t. He was sure if he opened his mouth his lunch would spill out right there. 

 

Shun made it to the bathroom and into one of the stalls just in time. He emptied his lunch into the toilet bowl. Tears welled in Shun’s eyes, which were definitely from the act of throwing up and nothing to do with how guilty and upset he was feeling. 

 

Correlation doesn’t equal causation. 

 

Maybe if Shun stayed here, everyone would just go home and he could be alone and not have to face all the people he lets down. 

 

Maybe if he stayed in the stall people would just forget he existed.

 

Maybe he could escape.

 

“ Wash up, let’s go home” Saiki’s voice made Shun jump.

 

It appeared that he wouldn’t be forgotten nor could he escape.

 

Shun wiped his eyes and his mouth then flattened his hair out, trying to make himself presentable. He valued Saiki’s opinion and didn’t want to appear especially weak in front of him. 

 

Leaving the stall he glanced at Saiki who just nodded to him, before Shun went to the sink to wash up. He rinsed his mouth out too, hoping that his breath wouldn’t smell like vomit. When he turned to Saiki, he had his hand outstretched, a container of mints in his hand.

 

“T-thank you, Saiki,” Shun said, his throat was raspy and he took a minti. 

 

Saiki was a good friend. 

 

They left the toilet and started walking down the hall. At the end Shun could see Aren being dragged into the teacher’s room by Matsuzaki Sensei.

 

“Sir! I didn’t do anything!” Aren called out before the door slammed behind them.

 

Saiki didn’t address or acknowledge it and Shun didn’t have the energy or will to speak. So they both headed out to the shoe lockers and out the front gates of the school.

 

They headed towards Shun’s house, like yesterday not a single eventful thing happened on the way. Neither spoke and their walking wasn’t interrupted by anything. Like yesterday Saiki didn’t turn off to his house he continued on to walk Shun all the way home.

 

Shun would have been grateful— he was greatful— but the thought of seeing his mother and having to tell her that he failed something was giving him incredible anxiety. Shun had had a few panic attacks in his life but none recently. The pressure his mother was putting him under recently, as they neared the end of their second year, was adding extra stress and it made every little thing unbearable. It was like the highschool entrance exams all over again. Shun knew third year was going to be the worst and he was petrified. 

 

Anxiety built even higher and Shun took big calming breaths trying to stay calm.

 

Five things you can see .

 

1. The metal barriers between the path and the road
2. Saiki’s school uniform shoes
3. The tree beyond the garden wall 
4. The white STOP letters written on the ground
5. The one way sign

 

Four things you can touch.

 

1. The hem of Aren’s jacket
2. The eraser he left in his pocket
3. The strap of his school bag
4. The keychain Aren gave him

 

Three things you can hear.

 

1. A car in the distance
2. Laughter of a child
3. Their footsteps on the pavement

 

Two things you can smell.

 

1. Cooking oil from a nearby house
2. The lingering smell of Aren on his jacket

 

One thing you can taste.

 

1. The mint flavour from the mint Saiki gave him

 

Shun recited these in his mind, following the strategy that one of the psychiatrists gave him when he had been in hospital.

 

He could feel his heartbeat slow back down and breathing wasn’t such an incredible effort anymore. 

 

Saiki stopped walking and Shun realised they had already reached his house. The thought of going in to face his mother cemented Shun in his tracks. He felt sick all over again. He didn’t have anything left in his stomach so he was sure that nothing would come out.

 

“Uh—a—um Saiki, thank you,” Shun said, he didn’t really know what to say but he was incredibly grateful.

 

Saiki just nodded.

 

“I—I don’t think I’ll be able to come tomorrow to have Ramen.” Shun looked down.

 

“ I don’t think I will be feeling well tomorrow.” 

 

At Saiki’s words Shun looked up, how would Saiki know?

 

“I don’t think I’ll be able to go either.”

 

Shun felt incredibly grateful but incredibly guilty. Saiki was giving up his chance to hang out with his friends to make Shun feel better, and that made Shun feel awful. At the same time, Shun wouldn’t be the only one being left out, causing his friends to hate him.

 

When Shun locked eyes with Saiki again, Saiki gave him a small smile. Saiki didn’t smile very much and it left a warm feeling in Shun’s chest, the same feeling having Aren’s jacket around him gave Shun. Shun was able to return the smile. 

 

“Thank you, Saiki.”

 

“ See you tomorrow.”

 

Saiki turned and left. Leaving Shun to face his house on his own.

 

***

 

His mother was going to be home late today, Shun had forgotten. Neither Sora nor Toki were home either. Sora had cram school and Toki was at a friend's house. 

 

It was just Shun alone in the house.

 

If Shun was going to have to tell his mother he had failed something, he was going to do it on the best terms he could. So he headed to his room and pulled out all his homework and all his extra study his mother had set him and worked hard. 

 

Shun worked hard and fast. He may have never worked this hard and fast in his life. There was only a small amount of homework from school so it was done quickly but the study his mother set was much more. It required more time.

 

He had almost finished all the work sheets his mother had set him when the buzz of his phone broke his concentration.

 

The phone buzzed in rapid succession. There was only one thing that caused his phone to do that.

 

Aren .

 

There was no time for Aren, only homework. He must finish it before his mother gets home, so he turned his attention back to the sheet in front of him and worked on that. 

 

With one sheet remaining Shun checked the time. It was quarter to six. His mother would be home in half an hour. She would bring home Toki. Sora would be home half an hour after that. They would eat at seven. Shun would have to tell her after dinner. They go through everyone's homework and tests and test schedules after dinner. His mum knows he had a quiz yesterday and Shun knew she would see through any lie he told.

 

Shun wondered what kind of punishment his mother would give him. He of course would be grounded, but he was worried about what else. 

 

There was a long list of punishments he had received in the past. 

 

No TV, no books, no seeing friends,  going straight to and from school, no outside play, extra homework, no food until homework/study was completed, no leaving room except toilet breaks and for meals, no food other than main meals, no phone.

 

It was a comprehensive list but not an exhaustive one.

 

No phone.

 

Shun felt a cold dread, he wanted to finish this sheet but if his mother decided to confiscate his phone he would not know what Aren said. 

 

Deciding that replying to Aren was more important than the extra time he had to finish the worksheet he picked up his phone. 

 

He had twenty seven messages from Aren.

 

A: Hey

A : Are you okay?

A I’m sorry I didn’t see you before you left

A: Matsuzaki sensei dragged me to the teachers room to apologise for yesterday

A: What even 

A : I just wanted to find you

A: You looked very sick at school

A: and you ran out of class 

A: I’m worried about you

A: and you’re still avoiding me

A: Did I do something?

A: Make you at me mad?

A: you can tell me

A: We’re best friends

A: Just

A: idk

A: let me know you’re okay

A: or if you’re not

A: or if you want me to leave you alone

A: or like never talk to you ever again

A: I would probably die but like if you wanted that

A: I’d do it

A: but like you know just 

A: idk don’t hate me?

A: Or do if that’s what it is

A: but like just let me know you’re alive

A: I miss you

 

Shun choked up a little at Aren’s messages. He didn’t hate Aren not at all. Not one bit. In fact it was the exact opposite: he liked Aren too much. Shun thought he would also die if he never got to talk to Aren again. Could he really tell Aren what was wrong? He couldn’t tell him everything that was going on in his head. Aren didn’t do anything wrong either. It was all Shun’s fault that he was making Aren worry, his fault that Aren was upset. 

 

Time stretched out as Shun tried to think of what to reply.

 

He couldn’t tell him everything. Or even anything, really. He needed to make sure Aren knew he didn’t hate him, and that he was very much alive. Also the fact that Shun might lose his phone privileges, too.

 

S: Hey

S: of course I don’t hate you, you’re my best friend

S : My stomach has been p bad recently

S: and have more of a tight schedule atm

S: can’t wait around

S: probs can’t text anymore either

 

Shun wasn’t satisfied with his reply, he wanted to say more, but couldn’t. He didn’t have the time to dwell on it either. Thinking about it more and more, Shun was almost positive his mother would take his phone. 

 

Before he got a reply from Aren he held down the on button on his phone and shut it down.

 

Turning back to his worksheet he put all his energy into finishing it, sitting in dread like a man waiting for his executioner. 

Notes:

DID YOU LIKE IT? I told you it wasn't as super duper angsty stuff like the first two episodes but like R U KEEN FOR MORE BC I AM (I promise I actually do love Kaido so much like I just like to suffer lmao)

What did you guys think of his daydreaming? Should I enclude a little more of it or maybe nah?

Thanks for reading! I'll keep writing, so keep an eyeout for future chapters

Chapter 5

Notes:

TW: Self-harm (a very breif discription/mention) and all other TW from previous chapters

I'm BACK with another chapter! I apologise for how long it took. Shout out to Lulu for kicking my butt back into gear and reminding me how much I've enjoyed writing this.

Also beware this chapter is going to be *sparkle emoji* A N G S T Y *sparkle emoji*

(also I updated the summary to reflect the story a little more lol)

“Give me your phone.” Shun’s mum held out her hand, he turned it off and placed it on her palm.

 

His mother was truly scary when she was mad. She was the scary where you can feel it prickling your spine, it made your heart race, and your hands shake. She was the scary, not where you fear for your physical safety, but for your heart and your soul.

 

“You won’t get it back until I say so.” She slid the phone into her pocket.

 

“W-w-w— Even when I-i-I go to school?” Shun knew he shouldn't speak but sometimes he can’t control that, “W-what if something happens?” 

 

“Like what?” His mother grew angrier by the second.

 

 “I-If I have to c-call an ambulance?” Shun’s words came out without him thinking. 

 

“Get someone else to. It’s not your problem. You’re not getting your phone back. That’s final.” His mother crossed her arms. 

 

Shun could feel himself slipping away, far away. Somewhere where he could be safe, where he didn’t have to hurt all the time. Somewhere where maybe one day he could be okay.

 

“No phone. You are only to go to school and cram school. You must go straight there and straight home. NO hanging out with friends. NO computer. NO games. NO comics. NO tv. NO books. NO dessert. NO snacks. I will be doubling your current workload until you can get your grades back up. No dinner until your work is done. These rules will stay in place until your grades are satisfactory. I didn’t raise you to be a disappointment.” She listed off the rules then stopped waiting for Shun’s reply.

 

“Okay. I understand,” Shun said, looking her in the eye. Somewhere far away Shun wondered if his mother had ever loved him.

 

Shun’s mother handed him four more worksheets and sent him to his room. He had to finish them before he went to sleep.

 

At his desk, Shun’s mind wandered. It walked through the forests of memories and thoughts in his head, through and behind his made up worlds and ended up sitting next to the box he shut away the ugly monster deep within him. The one who thought all the horrible thoughts, it drove him to failure, the one who was so weak, the one who tried to kill himself, who he really was. 

 

He sat there with it. As it whispered terrible and awful things in his ears. 

 

His body just stared at the papers in front of him. The whole world around him fading away until there were no colours left.

 

You really are a disappointment, aren’t you.

 

Shun couldn’t say anything because it was true. He knew it. Everyone knew it. 

 

And you’re a burden on people around you. You’re not good at anything. You’re a terrible student. You’re childish. People don’t really like you, they just tolerate you. You’re weak. 

 

Shun had heard it all before, he heard it all everyday. He lived it.

 

And to top it all off you’ve fallen in love with your “best friend.” 

 

‘No I haven’t! I’m not in love with Aren! He’s my best friend. I love him as a friend, I'm not in love with him.’ 

 

You are.

 

‘No, I’m not.’

 

I am you and you are me. 

 

‘No, you’re wrong.’

 

What you know, I know and what I know, you know. 

 

‘No, n-no’

 

We are one. 

 

‘NO!’

 

Shun took a deep breath, and he blinked the tears away that started forming. The room came back into focus, his hands shook slightly as he reached for his pen. He shook his head trying to clear his mind, to take it off Aren, but he just couldn’t shake the thought. 

 

After finishing his work at around one thirty he crawled under his desk and slept wrapped tightly in Aren’s jacket.

 

***

 

Shun woke in the morning as if he hadn’t slept at all. He was more tired than when he had fallen asleep. 

 

Everytime his mind threatened to slip away, to dissociate, he tried as hard as he could to ground himself and keep him in this body. It was winning the battle but losing the war. Every time he won, he would still just slip further away.

 

Before his breakfast he had to complete a maths drill worksheet, it took a while but he still had enough time to shower and get ready. He shoved a slice of toast in his mouth as he put his shoes on. 

 

No one talked about what happened yesterday.

 

He finished the toast as he walked out the front gate. Shun tried to keep his mind off everything, all he needed to focus on was school. Nothing else, definitely not the fact that his brain was telling himself lies about being in love with Aren. 

 

Aren.

 

Turning the corner he was met with the exact person he was thinking about. Reality was cruel and ironic.

 

Aren was frowning and staring down at his phone; however, looked up when he heard Shun. Aren’s eyes widened before the corners scrunched up as he grinned at Shun. Aren’s eyes seemed to glint in the morning sun which warmed his face. 

 

Aren was beautiful . Aren was strong. Aren was cool. Aren was loyal. Aren was cleaver. Aren was amazing. 

 

Shun felt warmth in his chest and cheeks but he pushed it down. He shouldn’t be feeling like this. 

 

“Morning, Shun,” Aren said, tilting his head slightly.

 

“Morning.” Shun copied Aren’s head tilt.

 

They fell into step. Shun was nervous but Aren always felt like home. Aren felt safe even when he was the reason Shun was nervous. 

 

“I was worried you weren’t going to come to school today. You weren’t well yesterday, and then you didn’t reply to my messages. I’m glad you’re here,” Aren bumped gently into Shuns shoulder.

 

Shun nodded, eyes trained on the ground in front of him. He suddenly felt guilty again. He can’t do anything right and he is a burden on his friends. 

 

They fell back into silence. 

 

Aren stepped across in front of Shun, his hand slamming into the wall next to Shun. 

 

Shun jumped in surprise at his friend’s sudden movement. He was trapped between Aren's arm and Aren himself. Shun froze in place. 

 

For a long time Aren just stared down at Shun, eyebrows and mouth pulled down in a frown. Neither of them spoke, but Shun was sure that even if Aren had spoken he wouldn’t be able to hear anything over the pounding in his ears.

 

“Did I do something to upset you? Are you avoiding me? Do you hate me? Are my texts annoying? Did I make you feel weird? Did I do something wrong?” Aren’s questions came out rapidly, stringing together so much that it was hard to tell where one question finished and the other began.

 

Shun shook his head repeatedly, which made him feel more nauseous than he already did. He swallowed hard. Trying to force all the things welling up inside him down and out of sight.

 

“O-of course not. I-I failed the quiz yesterday,” that was the second time he had to admit it and it was more embarrassing this time, “a-and my mother took my phone away. I don’t hate you.” Shun whispered the last part. 

 

He didn’t hate Aren. It was the exact opposite. 

 

“Oh.” Shun looked up at Aren, his mouth was slightly open in a small O shape. His eyes softened and he gave Shun a small sympathetic smile and nodded slightly.

 

Why was he so nice? Why was Aren so wonderful? Why did he care? Why did Shun feel like this?  Why did Aren understand Shun? Why did Aren want to be around Shun? Why did Aren show such kindness to Shun? Why was Aren so incredible?

 

Why did Shun have to go and fall in love with Aren?

 

Immediately overwhelmed, Shun tried to swallow down all the feelings he had. His hands shook.

 

Shun leant forward until his forehead rested against Aren’s chest.

 

That was the only place they were touching but Shun could feel Aren’s warmth and calm flow through him. As he looked down at Aren's feet, Shun could feel Aren’s chest expand when he took a breath.

 

Aren stood still for several moments before he bent his head down resting it against Shun’s hair.

 

“I’m sorry.” Aren’s breath was warm as he spoke, even through Shun’s hair.

 

“You didn’t do anything.” Shun’s words were choked and he shook his head slightly.

 

“I know. I’m sorry you feel like this and I can’t do anything.” Aren’s breath hitched.

 

Shun felt tears prickling in his eyes and he knew if he opened his mouth only a sob would come out. 

 

Aren was soft and kind when the rest of the world was harsh and cruel. Aren was everything Shun could ever need. Why wouldn’t Shun fall in love with him?

 

Shun stepped forward and buried his face into Aren’s chest. Shun could hear Aren’s heart beat and it reassured Shun that he was alive and that Aren was real and here with him, because Shun was worried that any second he would wake up and be all alone. Like always.

 

Although they were shaking, Shun raised his hands and balled them in the sides of Aren’s shirt, just above his hips.

 

Warm arms wrapped around Shun’s shoulders as Aren pulled him tight. 

 

They just stood like that.

 

Breathing became easy again as their breaths synchronised, Shun could hear Aren’s heart beat slow down and he felt like Aren had pulled his head out from below the water.

 

Aren didn’t let go until Shun stepped back. 

 

“We better hurry or we’ll be late,” Shun said.

 

“Don’t worry I’ll get you to school on time,” Aren said as he swung his arm around Shun’s shoulder.

 

Their steps synchronised and they headed towards school. Neither spoke, but it was okay because the silence wasn’t hollow. It was full, warm, and safe.

 

“Thank you,” Shun said, so quietly that he wasn’t sure that Aren would even hear. 

 

Aren didn’t say anything but a small squeeze on his shoulders told him that Aren had heard.

 

***

 

They made it to school before the bell. Shun had had enough time to calm down and was feeling better when they arrived. He was able to act like he normally did, even if it felt hollow and empty. He was able to be that silly childish person. 

 

“I can’t get Ramen this afternoon,” Saiki said in the break between classes.

 

“If Saiki isn’t going, I don’t want to go.” Saiki was a great friend and Shun jumped at the chance that he had created for him. 

 

“If Shun isn’t going, I don’t want to go,” Aren said, resolutely.

 

“I-I-I I forgot I had something planned today, I’m so sorry I can’t go.” Teruhashi pulled out, too.

 

“Ah man, let’s go another time.” Nendo sighed.

 

Thank you Saiki, Shun willed his thoughts into the universe hoping that Saiki could somehow understand how much his support meant to him. When he caught Saiki’s eyes a minute or so later Shun gave him a small smile and Saiki briefly returned it.

 

Shun spent the morning dozing off during class and putting in as little effort as possible. Most of the things he already knew. Besides, he’d have the same stuff and lots more to do when he got home.

 

The period before lunch was Traditional Japanese Literature, his grade had been brought down quite significantly for failing the quiz. There weren’t many assessment items for the class so the weight of each assessment piece is higher.

 

“Mr. Kaido, could you please stay for a minute. I would like to have a chat,” The teacher— Mrs. Ikeda— addressed Shun as the bell rang.

 

“Oh Chibi, what did you do this time,” Nendo said grinning at Shun.

 

“Shut up,” Aren said and smacked Nendo on the head.

 

Shun sat at his desk and waited until the rest of the class left for lunch. When the classroom was empty he walked up to the teachers podium, he was incredibly nervous. He knew he did bad but he wouldn’t be able to get through the day without slipping away if she were to get angry at him. If she yelled and glared, Shun knew for sure he’d immediately dissociate. 

 

“Shun,” Mrs. Ikeda addressed him by his first name which she never did, “is everything okay?” She looked at him with sadness and compassion in her eyes.

 

“Ah— um— y-yeah.”  It wasn’t what Shun had expected.

 

“You’re not getting bullied are you?”

 

Shun just shook his head. 

 

“What about at home? Are things okay there?”

 

Shun hesitated for a moment before looking his teacher in the eye and smiling, it was forced but it was all he could manage, and nodded his head. 

 

Mrs. Ikeda  pursed her lips until they were a thin line and her eyebrows drew together. She didn’t believe Shun.

 

“Everything is okay, I haven’t been studying enough and playing games too much. I haven’t been sleeping properly because of this. I let my grades slip, I’m very sorry,” Shun said and bowed his head.

 

“There is nothing to apologise for, I just want to make sure you’re okay,” she said. 

 

“Thank you for your concern, I’m sorry to have worried you. I will try my best in the future,” Shun said bowing again. His teacher was now another person he’d become a burden on.

 

“Shun, I know you’re trying your best. It might not be the best you could ever possibly do under the best possible conditions, but it’s the best you can do right now. And that is enough. I can’t give you anything to make up for the points you lost in this quiz, but if you need any help for the upcoming end of term exam please let me know,” She spoke softly and put a hand on Shun’s shoulder to lift him up so he was standing straight again.

 

“Thank you,” Shun said, it was all he could say. He was inconveniencing his teacher and she was being nice he didn’t understand. It was a strange feeling to have an authority figure telling him that he was doing good even though he failed. That’s not what they do. They should get angry and disappointed. That’s how everyone reacts. 

 

“You better go eat some lunch. If you don’t sleep properly you have to eat properly,” Mrs. Ikeda smiled at him.

 

“Thank you,” Shun said before bowing again. He stood and grabbed his things from his desk and headed down towards the cafeteria. 

 

When Shun reached the cafeteria Aren waved him to the seat next to him telling Shun he saved it just for him. Nendo joked about why the teacher wanted to see him, coming up with more and more extravagant and unrealistic stories which Shun denied calling Nendo an idiot. Saiki rolled his eyes. The rest of the group chatted, too. Everyone’s interactions felt normal even though Shun didn’t feel like that at all. 

 

How did everyone manage to be so normal and be able to just be okay and Shun couldn’t? Sometimes he didn’t feel human . Like he was someone else— something else— and just made to do the same thing as everyone else, but he couldn’t. He didn’t have the knowledge or the tools. It was like he was trying to trudge through chest high mud, and everyone else was jogging on a flat race track.

 

Aren put his arm around Shun and it grounded Shun from spiralling with his thoughts. If Shun had leant too far into Aren’s arms no one said anything. He felt safe there. Aren was safe.

 

 Aren was his safe person. 

 

***

 

At the end of the day Shun shot up out of his seat as soon as the bell rang. He needed to head home immediately, he couldn’t risk being late on the first day of the new rules. His mother hadn’t specified a time that he had to be home by but the sooner the better Shun assumed. 

 

Shun was tired already. He had been up late the night before, and all these emotions— being flung around by them— had taken their toll. He just wanted to get home as soon as possible without any fuss and just finish his work and fall asleep.

 

When Shun reached the shoe lockers he was surprised to see Saiki standing there already. He thought he was the first out of the classroom, but it seemed like Saiki had beaten him. The thought that Saiki was waiting at the shoe lockers, possibly to walk home with Shun made him feel safe. 

 

Saiki was one of Shun’s safe people. Saiki and Aren. Maybe Sora too, but she was young and Shun didn’t want to keep burdening her with everything and what being his safe person meant.

 

After a quick greeting, Shun changed his shoes and turned to Saiki.

 

“Sh-Shun!” 

 

Turning, Shun saw Aren jogging up to him.

 

“How are you—  so bad at sports—  yet so fast?” Aren took in breaths between his words, indicating that he had run from the classroom.

 

Shun took a dramatic pose “I am The Jet Black Wings™ of course I’m fast,” Shun said, it felt hollow but at this point there was no reason to stop now he’d committed to it.

 

“ Yare yare.” Shun heard Saiki mumble from behind him.

 

“You’re too fast for me,” Aren said and gave Shun a chuckle. “It feels like ages since we’ve walked home together, can I join you guys?” Aren asked, but he seemed hesitant. Almost as if he expected Shun to say no. 

 

It was a fair assumption since Shun had avoided Aren for the past few days. The thought made Shun have to swallow down more guilty feelings. Shun didn’t understand why Aren genuinely liked him, but for some reason he did, and everything Shun has been doing lately has been hurting Aren. He was being a burden again.

 

“ Yare yare, let’s go,” Saiki said, as he turned and started to leave.

 

“C’mon,” Shun said and grabbed Aren’s forearm and tugged him. 

 

Aren’s arm was warm and soft under Shun’s hand. It was lean but still strong with built muscles under the surface, no wonder Shun felt safe wrapped in Aren’s arms. Shun thought that he could spend the rest of eternity in them. The thought surprised Shun and he felt his face heat up. So once Aren had got the idea and started to follow, Shun let go of him.

 

The trio walked in silence. With other people he felt like he always had to fill the air with chatter, he felt awkward and incredibly self aware and self conscious of everything that he did. He worried that if he were to stop contributing to the conversation that he’d just be left out, not invited again. He didn’t feel like that with Saiki and Aren. He never did. He could talk when he wanted to talk, and be quiet when he wanted to be quiet. It was like he was one step closer to being himself— whoever that was.

 

Once they left the school grounds Aren swung his arm around Shun and pulled him in close.

 

“I was worried you’d picked a new best friend.” Aren laughed.

 

“Eh! ah, I-I can have two best friends!” Shun stumbled over his words in surprise. Aren was his best friend, but Saiki was too. However, they were different kinds of best friends. Aren was just different .

 

“I guess, but I’m the bestest best friend,” Aren said resolutely, “I'm sorry Saiki.”

 

All Saiki did in return was turn to Aren for a second, with one eyebrow raised, before looking back ahead. Aren laughed, the kind of laugh that came from deep within your chest, it was the laugh that was warm like a hot chocolate in the middle of winter or the afternoon sun at the end of Autumn. The laugh that made Shun’s heart beat faster and gave him butterflies.

Aren’s laugh lingered in the air as the three fell silent. The warm strong arm draped across his shoulders gave Shun the safety and comfort that he craved. Shun definitely could stay in Aren’s arms forever. 

 

It wasn’t right for him to feel like that towards his best friend. It wasn’t fair to Aren. 

 

When they reached the turn off to Saiki’s house, unlike the past few times they’d walked home together, Saiki turned towards his house and started heading home.

 

“A- bye Saiki,” Shun said, he was surprised but Aren was walking him home too so maybe Saiki thought he wasn’t needed. 

 

“See ya, Saiki.” Aren called out to him.

 

Saiki raised a hand in a sort-of-wave and continued on home.

 

“And now it’s just the two of us,” Aren said and grinned down at Shun.

 

“Eh!?” Shun felt the heat rise in his cheeks again. This always happened and he always reacted like this. Shun didn’t know when it started, but one day he realised it was happening and now he couldn’t unsee all the little things Aren did and how Shun reacted to them. It was embarrassing . 

 

Aren continued to look down at Shun for a few more seconds before he laughed, “Come on, let’s go,” he said.

 

The pair walked in silence for a few minutes. 

 

Aren’s arm tensed around his shoulders for a brief second before he opened his mouth to speak.

 

“You know, you can talk to me about anything right?” Aren’s voice was soft.

 

He couldn’t really though. Shun could’t talk to him about Aren and all the stupid feelings he had. Shun wouldn’t ruin their friendship like that.

 

“Yeah, I know,” Shun said and leaned his head into Aren just for a moment.

 

“Good.” Aren sighed and they fell silent again.

 

“What other rules?” Aren spoke up again after a minute or so.

 

“What?”

 

“Rules your mum put in place, there’s got to be more than no phone,” Aren said.

 

“Oh, um; Go straight to and from school, no hanging out with friends, no TV, No comics, No games, extra study.” Shun couldn’t tell all the rules to Aren, he was ashamed, he knew Aren would get angry. The rules weren’t fair, but it is what it is, and there was no use for Aren to get angry.

 

“Hmm, for how long?”

 

“Until I get my grades back up.”

 

“That’s not fair!! There are no more assessment items until the end of term exams! That’s more than a month and a half away!?” Aren was practically yelling and he bunched his fist in his jacket that Shun was wearing. 

 

“I know, but it won’t change. It just is,” Shun said, he felt small and helpless. He didn’t like when Aren got angry, he knew it wasn’t directed at Shun but he couldn’t help but feel that if he had just done better in the quiz he wouldn’t have made his mother enforce new rules and then make Aren angry. So ultimately it was Shun’s fault Aren was angry.

 

“But it means I won’t really get to hang out with you,” Aren paused, “I hate that.” 

 

Shun felt immediately choked up at Aren’s words. He was so genuine and free . He just said what he felt. 

 

“Me too.” Shun managed to say. 

 

“We won’t be able to work on our manga very much now,” Aren said, clearly very disappointed.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“But we can still walk to and from school and we can hang out in the breaks and at lunch,” Aren said resolutely. 

 

“We can.” Shun felt honored that Aren would take that time and give it to Shun. It was stupid because they always did those things, but Aren saying it out loud somehow made it different .

 

The last few minutes of the walk home were in silence. When they got to the Kaido residence they stopped out the front and Aren removed his arm from Shun. Aren stood looking at Shun for what seemed like the longest time. Shun thought that Aren was wanting to say something, but he didn’t.

 

“I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then?” Shun said it like a question, he would of course see Aren tomorrow but like would he see him tomorrow.

 

“Yeah I’ll come get you in the morning,” Aren said and gave Shun a big smile that Shun returned.

 

“Okay, I’m— I—  ah— that sounds good.” Shun couldn’t get his words right, he didn’t know how to convey what he felt to Aren, but he wanted Aren to know he was genuinely happy.

 

Aren waited at the gate until Shun went inside and gave a final wave as he shut the door.

 

His mother wasn’t home, but there was a big pile of homework waiting on his desk with a note, it read:

Finish this and any

other homework

before you eat.

 

He was tired and a little bit hungry, but he just knew his mum would know if he ate before he finished his homework. So he pushed down the hunger and went to wash his face to try and wake up. With that, he started working. 

 

Sora, Toki, and eventually his mother all arrived home. He didn’t really care or pay attention, he had a fair amount of normal homework and this extra work on top of it meant that the work was basically endless. At some point Toki came to see if he had finished his work because they were about to eat, and Shun mumbled a no. He wasn’t even halfway done. 

 

The evening flew by, and he was about two thirds of the way done when everyone came and said goodnight. His mother would check in the morning to see if he had finished it, so he couldn’t just not do it.

 

By the time he was finished it was three o’clock and he didn’t even care that he was hungry, at that point he just wanted to sleep.

 

***

 

In the morning his mother checked his work, gave him another maths drill sheet and sent him on his way. Shun was hungry but exhausted, he had a slice of toast because that’s all he had time for. He hadn’t taken too long in the shower or anything else but added work in the morning meant that if he overslept even just a tiny bit he would be very pressed for time. 

 

As promised Aren was standing at the gate waiting for Shun when he left the house.

 

Aren grinned in a greeting to Shun, then his face contorted with worry, but was quickly replaced with a smile. Shun knew he looked tired. That’s what happens when you don’t get much sleep. He just hoped he could hide it, he didn’t want to be an emotional burden on Aren.

 

“Morning Shun! Looking a little tired I see,” Aren said as they started walking.

 

“Yeah, I couldn’t focus last night so the homework took a little longer than usual,” Shun shrugged when he spoke.

 

“Were you thinking about how cool and handsome and strong and great I am?” Aren laughed, throwing his head back.

 

“Eh! AH— What?! No— what? Why would— I wasn’t—  what— EH?” Shun choked on his words. Because, he had been but that’s definitely something Aren shouldn’t and wouldn’t know.

 

Aren laughed harder.

 

“It was a joke, Shun,” Aren said through laughs and swung his arm over Shun. 

 

“Oh,” Shun let out a small and forced chuckle. 

 

The pair fell silent and the breeze blew cool against Shun’s burning face. It was the beginning of November and it was starting to get cooler. The uniforms had already changed to the winter ones and everyone had started to wear jackets to school. Aren was one of the few students who hadn’t started wearing one. 

 

Shun had Aren’s.

 

He felt kind of guilty that he had it, it wasn’t so cold but it was starting to get cool enough that he should start thinking about giving it back. The selfish part of Shun screamed inside him all the way in the back that he shouldn’t give it back to Aren. Shun should keep it, stay safe and wrapped inside it forever and never leave. 

 

That guilty feeling followed him for the rest of the day.

 

Shun napped through most of the classes, but spent the breaks and lunch hanging out with his friends. He didn’t have much to contribute, but the others filled the spaces and he was appreciative that he was included. Aren stuck by his side the whole day when they weren’t in class and it made Shun feel safe.

 

When school finished both Saiki and Aren met him at the shoe lockers and the three of them walked home together, just like the day before. Saiki turned off to his own house, and Aren walked him all the way home. Aren said goodbye again, and just like the day before he hesitated not saying something . Shun couldn’t understand what Aren was trying to convey to Shun, if anything. 

 

Shun had cram school that day so he felt very uneasy when he saw the pile of work his mother had left him was the same size as the day before. He worked hard before he had to leave, trying to get as much done as possible. Yumehara attended the same cram school as him but they had a lot to work on and they lived in opposite directions so he didn’t have to interact or walk with her. The nights were cool and the darkness hid Shun and all his feelings.

 

At home he was sent straight to his room to finish his work. No food before the work has been done. Like the day before he didn’t finish his work until it was deep into the night and the moon was overhead. Shun left the curtain open and crawled under his desk, he watched the moon until he fell asleep.

 

***

 

Slowly days started to blend together, every day was a replay of the day before. He would scramble to get ready having a slice of toast or something for breakfast, Aren would meet him before school, he’d sleep through classes, try and be active in conversations with his friends, walk home with Aren and Saiki, study late into the night, and fall asleep as soon as he was finished.

 

Two weeks or so went by and the days were getting shorter and colder. Shun had seen Aren warming his hands occasionally when he thought Shun wasn’t looking, and he had even started wearing a scarf on especially cold days. That guilt weighed heavily on Shun. He shouldn’t keep Aren’s jacket from him. It was too cold, it wasn’t fair at all. He knew Aren would never ask for it back, he was just too nice. He was too kind. Shun didn’t deserve that kindness. 

 

On a cold night at three in the morning Shun decided he would give Aren’s jacket back. Shun spent that night with his face buried in the jacket, it didn’t really smell like Aren anymore, that was all gone, but it was Aren’s jacket and that was all that mattered.

 

That morning Shun spent so long staring at Aren’s jacket that he didn’t have time to eat breakfast. That was okay, Shun didn’t really feel hungry that much anymore, his body had started to get used to not eating much. He’d have something small for breakfast, whatever he could eat throughout the day at school, he’d taken to occasionally falling asleep at lunch if he’d had a particularly long night which meant he didn’t eat that much then, and he could never quite finish his work in the evening in time to want to eat dinner over sleeping.

 

“You’re returning it?” Sora tilted her head with a small smile as Shun pulled on his shoes.

 

“Yeah, it’s getting too cold,” Shun said looking down at Aren’s jacket in his hands, he was wearing his own one. It felt weird on his back, Aren’s was much bigger and it felt like a hug, his jacket didn’t.

 

“Have a good day,” Sora said and disappeared down the hallway.

 

Like every morning Aren was waiting outside for him. He had his arms crossed with his hands tucked under his arms. Like always he gave Shun a big smile as a greeting, he paused however, to look down at the jacket in Shun’s hand.

 

“It’s getting pretty cold, thank you for letting me borrow it.” Shun held the jacket out to Aren.

 

Aren opened his mouth as if he was going to say something but shut it again. He nodded and took the jacket from Shun. He went to put it on but paused and pulled it up to his face. Aren took a deep breath and smiled at Shun.

 

“It smells like you.”

 

The wind blew; it cooled Shun’s sudden burning face and the cold brought a soft pink to Aren’s cheeks.

 

After a long moment Aren lowered the jacket and put it on.

 

“Shall we?” Aren tilted his head down the road. 

 

Aren wrapped his arm around Shun, just like every morning, as they walked to school. Even though he didn’t have Aren’s jacket, he still had Aren .

***

Days continued to get cold as the weeks passed, it was a month until the end of term tests. Shun’s days had been a repeat of all the same things; study for long hours, go to and from school, and sleep. He had basically stopped eating at anytimes other than breakfast. There just wasn’t enough time in the day. Not enough energy. 

 

The only thing that really changed was his walk home. Gradually Aren had stopped walking home with him. At first Aren had different excuses and only missed a few days, until he just stopped showing up. He would walk Shun to school every morning, and never mentioned why he stopped walking home with him, and Shun just never brought it up. How could he? Only awful thoughts ran through his head. 

 

What if Aren had gotten a girlfriend?

 

What if Aren had just gotten sick of Shun?

 

What if Aren didn’t want to be around him?

 

What if Aren just didn’t like Shun anymore?

 

Every afternoon he got to the shoe lockers and it was only Saiki there broke his heart even more. Every moment that wasn’t spent asleep or studying was spent agonising over why Aren didn’t want to be with him anymore. Even when he slept he dreamt about it, and even studying his mind would wander back to Aren. 

 

Things were getting unbearable, there were two weeks left until the exams and Shun couldn’t take much more of it. The stress, the sadness, the exhaustion, the loneliness, the hopelessness, the hole Aren left in him, the pressure, the shame, the guilt, the emptiness; it was all too much.

 

One old night when his clock showed 04:17 he snuck down to the kitchen, then to the bathroom. For the first time in over a year he took a blade to his wrist seeking the escape and relief it gave him.

 

His dreams were not plagued by Aren or a hopeless emptiness that night.  

Notes:

I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter! It wasn't L O N G but it wasn't short which I am p happy with.
I think there will be two (or three) more chapters left to come. I haven't written it lmao so who knows.

Kudos and Comments fuel my soul lmao

Chapter 6

Notes:

TW: Suicidal thoughts, self harm, and basically just everything up to now.

Hi Frens! I'm so sorry this took so long to be posted! I wrote 95% of it like 2 weeks ago then got busy and just ended up not being able to pick it back up again. BUT IT'S FINISHED NOW.

Did I write 7k and get no where near as far into the plot as I thought I would? Yep.... well it is what it is I guess lmao

I think I'll do one more chapter and then an epilogue... maybe.

The next week progressed similarly to the last, all Shun knew was study, sleep, and the emptiness which Aren left in him. It wasn’t even as if Aren wasn’t spending time with Shun either. They still walked to school everyday and even though Shun slept through breaks and lunch, Aren sat with Shun a majority time. Aren didn’t go to the cafeteria like the rest of the students did, he sat with Shun. 

 

Shun shouldn’t feel like he did. He just shouldn’t.

 

It was this stupid ugly jealousy, and that fed the guilt and shame. It was never ending, he thought about Aren when he slept, walked, studied— with every breath he took. Aren had been his biggest escape from his home and from the disgusting and shameful monster locked inside him. Aren was safe. He made Shun feel worthy of things when he shouldn’t really. 

 

Now, Aren wasn’t really there. He was there, but when they were together it was like his mind was elsewhere. With something else— someone else. Shun felt like he couldn’t breathe. 

 

The only thing that gave any relief from these feelings; from the pain of being alive, was the cold sharpness of a blade against his skin, and watching red droplets drip into the bathtub.

 

Shun knew he was weak, he had told himself he wouldn’t cut ever again, but he did. He couldn’t keep a promise to himself, and he did it again and again. It was the only thing he could do. The guilt weighed heavy on his heart, he was so ashamed. There was no end insight. After the end of term exams, there were end of school year exams in a few months, then there was third year and university entrance exams, then there was university. 

 

It would never end.

 

It made Shun want to give up. He wanted to die. He just wished he could just not be . 

 

However, that made him feel even more guilty. He was already a burden on all his friends and the people he loved. Everytime he thought about giving up he remembered Sora, he couldn’t— wouldn’t— put her or anyone else through that again. He didn’t deserve their love, but he had it. He wouldn’t hurt them more than he already did.

 

It was Monday exactly one week until the first day of exams, the work his mother gave him was unrelenting. He didn’t have time for anything. The stress and pressure meant that he felt nauseous a lot of the time, so to Shun it didn’t matter that he didn’t have time to eat. Sora had taken to sneaking him little snacks after his mother had gone to bed; “I’ll leave my door ajar, just put the wrappers in my room. Mum won’t know,” she had said to him. He only had the snacks occasionally, but he was so grateful for her.

 

That morning Shun felt flatter than usual, he could barely concentrate on the maths drill he had to do. He had a splitting headache, so he took some painkillers with a big glass of water before he left the house. Shun ignored the look Sora gave him, he pretended not to see it, not to acknowledge the pain there. 

 

Like every morning Aren was standing at the gate waiting for him. Aren was frowning at his phone and didn’t look up until Shun was right next to him.  Shun wondered if he was texting a girlfriend. He tried to ignore the gut wrenching pain that thought brought, his headache was enough to deal with.

 

“Oh, Shun, morning,” Aren said, smiling. Even if he saw it every second of every day for the next hundred years Shun knew he would never get tired of seeing Aren smile.

 

“Morning, Aren.” Shun returned the smile as best he could, trying to draw strength from Aren. He was so strong and sure of himself, he was cool, beautiful, loyal, incredible, kind and just perfect . He did have a temper and was easy to rilleup, he didn’t take school seriously, and he could be a little silly but to Shun he was still perfect, that all made him perfect. 

 

The pair slipped into a comfortable silence and their steps synchronised. After a couple of minutes Aren stepped a little closer and wrapped his arm around Shun. His heart skipped a beat. It had been a couple days since Aren had done it, so it had been a while since he’d been this close to Aren. It was calming and exhilarating at the same time. A paradox that Shun didn't think he’d ever understand.

 

They walked in silence for a minute or so.

 

Aren’s hand squeezed Shun’s shoulder gently. Shun felt heat rise in his cheeks, why did his body have to react like this? Shun couldn’t look at Aren so he stared at his feet. The strong hands slowly moved down along his shoulder squeezing gently with every movement. It moved back up to the base of Shun’s neck. Shun didn’t know how to react to it at all, his mind was freezing like an old laptop with 30 chrome windows open.

 

“A—” Shun tried to speak but Aren stopped walking, put his other arm on Shun’s other shoulder he spun Shun so they were facing each other and Shun let out a yelp.

 

The sudden movement meant that Shun unconsciously looked up at Aren. His eyes were dark with the sun behind him and his face was contorted into a scowl. His eyebrows were drawn so deeply that it almost looked painful. He’d never seen Aren like this, and never directed at him.

 

It frightened Shun.

 

Without saying anything Aren moved his hands down and back up Shun’s arm then across his collarbones and down across his chest. Shun was frozen in place for a second but when Aren’s hands ran along his ribs and to his hips Shun was shaken out of his stupor. His face was burning and Aren’s hands left hot traces along where they had traveled. 

 

Shun wriggled trying to get away but Aren’s hands gripped Shun hard.  

 

“A— sto— Aren, w-w-what are you—” Shun spoke up finally, trying to get away.

 

“Shun, yo— have— you’re—” Aren’s hands didn’t stop exploring Shun’s body. 

 

“Aren!” Shun shrieked, his head was throbbing more than before; however, he managed to wriggle out from his grasp.  

 

The force of pulling himself away from Aren made him stumble. Aren’s quick reflexes meant that he was able to grab Shun’s wrist before Shun hit the ground. Shun ended up with his fingertips of one hand touching the ground, he was slightly crouching with his knees not quite touching the sharp asphalt thanks to Aren’s quick reflexes, and Aren’s hand gripped Shun’s wrist tightly. 

 

Pain radiated from his wrist, cutting through the dull throbbing in his head. Shun was sure Aren had reopened the cuts in his wrist from the night before.

 

They stayed like that for a second.

 

“A-Aren, you’re hurting me,” Shun said, he couldn’t bring himself to look up at Aren.

 

Aren’s grip on Shun’s wrist shook for a moment before he let go and Shun pulled his arm to his chest, he didn’t get up.

 

“I-I’m sorry, Shun, I’m so sorry. You just—” Aren’s voice shook as he spoke but Shun cut him off.

 

“I-it’s fine, don’t worry,” Shun said, his face burning up and he shook his head. Doing so made his head throb even more.

 

Swallowing down all the feelings, the nausea, and the pain in his wrist and head, Shun stood straight up.

 

Which was a mistake. 

 

White spots sparked across Shun’s vision as the rest of the world seemed to close in and go black. His head throbbed and the world seemed to drift further and further away. Strong arms wrapped around him and Shun leaned into it, he scrunched his eyes closed willing the world to just stop for a second and for his head to just ease up a little. 

 

After a few moments of Calming Breathing, something he’d learnt in hospital, Shun slowly opened his eyes. The world was back in focus and he didn’t feel like he was so light headed that he’d pass out anymore. Shun stepped out from Aren’s arms and he let Shun go.

 

“Shun,” Aren paused.

 

Shun was ashamed and he just wanted to be home and sleep for the rest of eternity, he didn’t want to face Aren— to face life. 

 

“Shun,” Aren spoke up again after he took a shaky breath, “When was the last time you ate something?”

 

He couldn’t resist, Shun glanced at Aren. He had his head down looking at the ground, his hair and fringe framing his face making it hard to see his expression. As if sensing Shun was looking at him, Aren turned to Shun. His eyes were sad, his mouth was drawn down in a frown, eyebrows scrunched in and jaw clenched.

 

Shun didn’t know. He didn’t know. He didn’t eat breakfast, nor dinner the night before, he slept through lunch and breaks at school, maybe he ate breakfast the day before, or maybe the night before that he had a snack that Sora had snuck him. 

 

He didn’t know. 

 

“Please— Shun, you- you— I can’t li— please eat something,” Aren said and reached his hand out. It hovered in the air, it shook ever so softly, but he didn’t move it.

 

“I’m sorry.” Shun looked down, he couldn’t face Aren like this. He couldn’t face the way he felt and the way Aren was looking at him. He couldn’t face the guilt he felt.

 

“No— Shun, don’t— where’s your lunch,” Aren said and he stepped up to shun and reached for his bag. Shun; however, had stopped bringing lunch a while back. There was no point if he was going to sleep and not eat, so he just shook his head.

 

“Oh, Shun,” Aren reached back to his own bag and pulled out an Onigiri rice ball, “here eat this.”

 

“Aren, I-I can’t eat your lunch.” Shun put his hands up indicating he wouldn’t take it.

 

“I don’t care about lunch, fuck, Shun, I care about you, ” Aren said, raising his voice. Shun flinched at Aren’s sudden anger.

 

“I-I can’t eat while walking. I feel sick, a-and I can’t be late.” Shun put his hands down, the guilt was overwhelming. Aren had never been angry at him and Shun felt like he couldn’t breathe. His chest constricted until it was just as painful as his head and wrist.

 

“Shun. Take it.” Aren shoved the Onigiri at Shun, who took it. 

 

Aren let out a sigh. He then walked until he was in front of Shun, facing the same way Shun was and crouched down.

 

“Get on,” Aren said, looking over his shoulder up at Shun.

 

“W-What?” 

 

“If I give you a piggyback you don’t have to walk, then you won’t get sick while eating. Hop on.” 

 

Shun paused for a long time. Could he really do this? He was filled up with shame and guilt, and that cruel and ugly monster hiding deep within Shun was screaming at him. He didn’t deserve it. He didn’t deserve Aren or anything he did for him.

 

“Please, Shun.” Aren sounded choked up, Shun was causing him pain. Just like he did to Sora. Just like he did to everyone.

 

“Okay.” Shun stepped up until he was pressed against Aren’s back. He bent down a little and wrapped his arms around Aren’s neck, Onigiri in one hand. Aren wrapped his arms under Shun’s legs and stood up. The motion was swift and easy, as if Aren wasn’t carrying another human on his back.

 

Shun’s heart was slamming in his chest, he was guilty and embarrassed and overwhelmed. He rested his head against the back of Aren’s trying to gain a little composure. Aren’s hair was soft against Shun’s face and had a gentle floral scent with underlying hints of apple and something that was just Aren. It was a smell Shun was used to but had never experienced it this close.

 

“Eat.” Aren spoke up after a bit.

 

Without speaking Shun unwrapped the Onigiri and brought it to his mouth, then he hesitated.

 

“D-don’t listen to me eat,” Shun said, suddenly very aware that Aren’s head was so close to his.

 

“Your mouth is basically on my ear, how can I not?” Aren huffed out a small laugh. Shun’s face burned at Aren’s comment. His mouth was certainly not on Aren’s ear.

 

“I-it’s embarrassing.” 

 

“Okay, I won’t listen, just eat.” Although he couldn’t see Aren’s face, Shun knew he was rolling his eyes. 

 

Satisfied with Aren’s answer he brought the onigiri to his mouth and took a bite, it was the first solid bit of food he had had in a while and it was delicious. Aren’s food was delicious, he always made his own Onigiri for lunch. Shun could eat only Aren’s cooking for the rest of his life and never complain once. As he was chewing he thought how lucky he was to have Aren as his friend, he didn’t deserve Aren. Not one bit.

 

“You chew so loud.” Aren laughed.

 

“AREN! You said you wouldn’t listen,” Shun said, the first bit coming out as a surprised shrek.

 

“Oi, don’t yell in my ear.” Aren turned his face to look Shun in the eye, drawing their face incredibly close. Shun could see all the little details of Aren’s eyes, the light refracting off the sides, and the way his pupils dilated as he turned away from the sun towards Shun.

 

“Uh— I’m sorry.” Shun tore his eyes away from Aren’s.

 

“It’s fine, keep eating.” Aren adjusted his arms, lifting Shun up slightly higher.

 

They walked in silence, only the sound of Shun eating breaking their silence. Once Shun finished Aren turned, Shun saw the movement coming so he leaned back a little so they weren’t so close . 

 

“More?” Aren tilted his head a little and gave Shun a small smile.

 

Shun shook his head.

 

“Okay,” Aren looked back in front of them, “I’m proud of you.” 

 

Shun’s heart skipped another beat at Aren’s words. He felt incredibly embarrassed, the Shun that was locked away deep within his mind was screaming at him that he didn’t deserve anything, he had nothing to be proud of. His heart; however, filled with joy and butterflies fluttered in his stomach. In that moment, Shun didn’t care that Aren was not walking him home and that maybe he was hiding something. 

 

Aren was proud of him.

 

Leaning down Shun rested his head against the side of Arens neck with his face against the place where Aren's shoulder stopped and his neck began.

 

“Thank you,” Shun mumbled into Aren, his lips just gently brushing against Aren’s skin there. 

 

Aren took a sharp breath when Shun spoke but laughed. 

 

For a brief moment Shun wondered what it would be like to explore Aren with his mouth, if it would feel the same as just now. He wondered how horrified and angry Aren would be if he found out what Shun had been thinking.

 

Shun closed his eyes and readjusted his arms until his right arm lay across Aren’s chest and rested where he thought Aren’s heart should be. He could feel Aren’s chest rise and fall as he breathed. It was steady and strong. That movement and the gentle rocking as Aren walked lulled Shun to sleep.

 

—Shun— 

 

With a small groan, Shun blinked his eyes. The world was bright but came into focus quickly. He turned his head, and was met with Aren’s face so close their noses were almost brushing. Shun blinked a few more times trying to get his head wrapped around the situation.

 

“We’re here,” Aren said with a soft smile on his face and a soft pink from the cold dusting his cheeks.

 

“Ah, Oh.” Shun nodded and leant back, “Thank you.” He was embarrassed that he’d managed to fall asleep on top of Aren while they were walking to school.

 

Aren let him down and they changed shoes then headed up to the classroom. 

 

They didn’t have PE at all this week, being the lead up to exams, so Shun didn’t have to worry about leaving the classroom except to go to the toilet. He could just sleep through it all.

 

***

 

—Shun— 

 

—Shun—

 

—Shun—

 

The voice was soft and far away, but enough to pierce through Shun’s dreams. He would know that voice anywhere.

 

Shun sat up and rubbed his face which had been resting against his arm on the desk. The classroom was empty. Shun squinted for a few seconds until his eyes got used to the light. He looked around but couldn’t see Aren. 

 

Maybe he’d dreamt it. 

 

“Shun.” Aren’s voice came from behind him. 

 

Turning his head he saw that Aren was sitting at the back of the classroom against the wall, in a spot of sunlight. His hair shimmered in the sun as he tilted his head in a greeting. The sun lit up Aren’s skin and made it glow. Shun was blown away by how beautiful he looked. Aren was extremely good looking, he was fit and strong. 

 

But he was beautiful.

 

It was somehow different and it took his breath away every time. 

 

“If you’re going to sleep through lunch, you shouldn’t do it at your desk,” Aren smiled, “you should stretch your legs a little, even if they’re tiny.” 

 

“Hey! My legs aren’t that tiny!” Shun frowned at Aren, but let out a small laugh. If it was someone else he would get angry and defensive, but it wasn’t. It was Aren and they could joke and Shun would never feel like Aren was being cruel.

 

“Whatever, Mr. Jet Black Wings™, come here,” Aren said as he patted his lap. He was sitting with his legs crossed, there were a few books and his lunch placed beside him. 

 

“EH?” Shun stared at Aren in utter shock.

 

“Come on, I’m sure I’d be a more comfortable seat than that chair and an absolutely more comfortable pillow than that deskr.” Aren patted his lap again.

 

Shun hesiated in his seat. Why was Aren like this? Why would he do this for Shun? 

 

Why would he do this to Shun?

 

Shun was so in love with his best friend, who might even have a secret girlfriend. Every single thing Aren did made Shun like him even more. He felt guilty almost like he was taking advantage of everything Aren did for him. It felt like he was violating their friendship and Aren’s trust. 

 

Aren nodded to Shun. So Shun swallowed and stood up, his legs were a little shaky but the headache from the morning had gone, no doubt thanks to everything Aren did for him. He walked the meter or so to where Aren was sitting but stopped standing directly in front of him.

 

Aren wrapped his hand around Shuns wrist and tugged slightly but Shun pulled his arm back with a soft hiss, it was the same arm he had grabbed earlier that day and the wounds hadn’t had time to scab over. 

 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to grab you so hard earlier,” Aren said and looked down at his hands.

 

“It’s okay.” Shun shook his head, it was okay. It always was.

 

This time Aren’s hand wrapped around Shun’s. Shun felt like his entire being was set on fire, his cheeks burnt. He’d never held hands with anyone, other than his family, and somehow it was more intimate than when Aren had carried him to school. Aren tugged his hand, Shun had lost all strength and just slid down. Aren guided Shun until he was sitting in his lap. Shun felt small against Aren. He could hear his heart pounding fast in his ears. They hadn’t sat this close ever. They’d hugged before, but that was a hug, this was different . 

 

“I got you this,” Aren said and held out a small juice box and Shun looked down at it, it wasn’t juice— “It’s a smoothie, you didn’t bring lunch and so I thought maybe you don’t want to eat but it’s a drink so maybe you’d be able to drink it?” Aren said.

 

“Um.” Shun didn’t know what to say, he was incredibly moved that Aren would think about something like that; however, he didn’t know if he wanted anything. He really just wanted to sleep.

 

“Even just a little?” Aren paused, “Please?”

 

“Only because you asked so nicely,” Shun said, giving in and reaching out to grab the smoothie. He stuck the straw into it.

 

“I wonder what else you’d do if I asked nicely,” Aren said, leaning slightly in towards Shun’s ear. 

 

Shun, who was in the middle of a sip, choked on his smoothie. He tried to cough out the liquid that had gone down the wrong way. After the panicked need to not suffocate faded away the embarrassment grew. He couldn’t let Aren know that he probably would do anything if Aren asked him.

 

Did Aren know?

 

“You okay, Shun? It was just a joke, I'm sorry.” Aren patted Shun on the back softly.

 

“Y-yeah, just… surprised.” Shun put the smoothie straw in his mouth in an attempt to hide his embarrassment. Wriggling further down into Aren’s lap Shun made sure to elbow him in the side as payback.

“Shuuun, ow,” Aren laughed.

 

“Sorry.” Shun laughed, too. They both knew he wasn’t sorry.

 

Aren wrapped his arms around to the front of them and rested them in Shun’s lap. The sun was warm, but Aren was warmer. Shun’s breathing synced with Aren’s and he felt at home. He felt safe on the floor in the sun wrapped in Aren’s arms. Shun could stay there forever. If Shun could stop time, he would. They could stay in this moment for eternity. 

 

“How is it?” 

 

“Hm?” Shun’s face heated up again, embarrassed to be caught thinking something like that. He was glad Aren was behind him and couldn’t see his face.

 

“The smoothie.”

 

“Oh, it’s nice. Thank you,” Shun nodded, “but I don’t think I can drink anymore.” Shun had drunk about half of the small box. He already had a big riceball and now the smoothie, it was more than his stomach had it at one time in a while. Any more was pushing it.

 

“Okay, good job.” Aren bumped his head against the side of Shun’s.

 

They fell silent as Shun placed the smoothie down next to them.

 

“You can sleep if you want to.” 

 

Turning to face Aren, Shun was met with a small smile. They held eye contact and Shun nodded. 

 

“Good.” Aren replied and Shun turned back to face the front and rested his head back against Aren. 

 

Aren tightend his arms against Shun, and in the warmth of the sunlight and the safety of Aren’s arms Shun drifted off to sleep.

 

—I’m sorry I didn’t notice— 

 

—I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you— 

 

Shun dreamt of turning papers, smoothies, and Aren.

 

—Shun—

 

There was a tap on his shoulder. Shun stretched his back so he was no longer slouching against Aren. He could hear students out in the hall. Shun turned to face Aren. 

 

“Lunch is over.” He smiled, “Did you sleep well?” 

 

“Yeah, thank you,” Shun looked down, suddenly acutely aware of every single place they were touching, which was a lot.

 

“Good.” Aren unwrapped his arms from Shun, who stood up.

 

Sitting back at his table, Shun missed Aren’s warmth and safety. 

 

***

 

The rest of the day went how it had for the past few weeks, Shun slept through class and the breaks. He met Saiki at the shoe lockers, and the two of them walked home. It pained Shun that Aren wasn’t there. He was so kind and caring and wonderful throughout the day, but didn’t show up when he walked home.

 

It was so selfish of Shun to need Aren to walk with him home. Aren gave Shun all his time during the day, which he didn’t deserve in the first place. He shouldn’t expect the walk home as well.

 

Maybe it was a girlfriend.

 

Shun didn’t know what it was, but he finally understood why he wished Aren was there to walk home with him. Aren was strong, confident, and safe.

 

Shun wanted— needed—  that strength to face his mother and his home. 

 

But Aren didn’t walk with him home. 

 

He didn’t say anything after school to Shun. He didn’t even see Aren. Shun didn’t understand why— why was he so caring throughout the day but just disappeared after school? 

 

Thoughts of Aren plagued Shun well into the night. Even thoughts of Aren’s warm arms wrapped around him couldn’t ward off the darkness that enveloped Shun at night. If Aren was what stopped the darkness consuming him during the day, a sharp blade was what did it at night.

 

***

 

Tuesday morning arrived and Shun went through his routine like he always did. He showered quickly, made sure to bandage and then wrap up his wrists so he’d have no issues during the day, rushed to finish his maths drill, and headed out the door.

 

Like the previous day Aren was standing and waiting at the gate, staring down at his phone. He looked up when Shun shut the gate.

 

“Morning, Shun,” Aren said with a grin.

 

“Morning.” Shun reached Aren and they started walking.

 

“Did you eat this morning?” Aren glaced at Shun who shook his head, “What about dinner yesterday?” 

 

Shun didn’t eat dinner and in front of Aren he felt ashamed. He looked at the ground unable to answer. 

 

“You can’t not eat, Shun, please.” Aren sighed, he sounded dejected. Shun couldn’t build up the courage to look at him.

 

In his peripheral vision Shun could see Aren rummaging through his bag. 

 

“Here,” Aren held out a neatly wrapped perfectly shaped Onigiri. “I made you breakfast.”

 

Looking at the Onigiri Shun felt incredibly seen. He felt cared for and looked after. Shun raised his eyes to meet Aren’s.

 

“You— you’re—  I didn’t think you would eat, so I wanted to make sure you do,” Aren said, it almost seemed like he was embarrassed; but Shun knew Aren and he wouldn’t be embarrassed by this.

 

“Thanks.” Unlike the previous day Shun didn’t protest being provided breakfast. 

 

Stepping in front of Shun, Aren crouched down.

 

“Hop on.”

 

“Eh?” Shun couldn’t do it a second day. He’d already inconvenienced Aren by making him make Shun breakfast.

 

“You get sick eating while you walk, right? That’s no good.” Aren looked over his shoulder at Shun and gave him a pointed look.

 

After a nod, Shun walked up to Aren and leant down wrapping his arms around his neck. Aren wrapped his arms around Shun’s legs and stood up. 

 

“Thank you,” Shun said, resting his forehead against the back of Aren’s head.

 

“It’s okay to accept help, Shun. Everyone deserves it, you’re worthy,” Aren said, it was soft and calm.

 

Eyes filling with tears that threatened to overflow, Shun gripped Aren’s jacket tightly trying to swallow down the emotions bubbling up. Shun didn’t deserve it, he wasn’t worthy of Aren’s help. The monster deep down screamed at Shun, and Shun wondered if it was really true. 

 

Aren had never lied to Shun. Would he really lie about this? Shun knew he didn’t deserve everything Aren did for him, but Aren said he did and Aren doesn’t lie. It was another Aren-related paradox.

 

Just like Monday; Shun ate the Onigiri and then fell asleep on Aren’s back

 

***

 

Class this week was mostly revision and it meant the class was basically quiet— bar the occasional question from the students. Shun found it nice to have quiet while he slept. At lunch he was woken again by Aren. Just like the previous day he had a small smoothie waiting for Shun and just like the day before Shun fell asleep in the sun with Aren.

 

***

The rest of the week continued like the last two days had. Shun found that he had more energy to study and be awake, which was all thanks to Aren. Every day he made Shun Onigiri and carried him to school. Every lunch he brought a smoothie and sat with Shun while he slept. 

 

Every afternoon Aren would disappear and Shun would walk home with Saiki. Shun loved Saiki, he was an amazing friend and he had been there for Shun all this time. Saiki was wonderful and Shun wouldn’t be able to go home without him. However he wished Aren was there, too. He tried to not let it bother him. Aren didn’t have to— shouldn’t have to—  be with Shun every waking moment. He knew that, and yet that’s all Shun really wanted. 

 

Shun just wished that Aren wanted to be around him as much as Shun wanted to be around Aren.

 

He wished that Aren was— 

 

But he didn’t let himself think that. He couldn’t. He just couldn’t do that to Aren. He couldn’t do that to himself.  

 

He just wished.

 

Shun wished all the pain would go, that things were different, that he wasn’t him. That he could be The Jet Black Wings™ and save the world and be worthy of love and not be ashamed of who he was. To not be a burden, nor a disappointment, nor a failure. Shun was weak. He thought this every night as he pressed the cold blade into his skin.

 

***

 

As the chime rang on the afternoon of that Friday the nervous energy of the students dissipated. They had the weekend to do their final study. It took Shun a moment to get out of his seat, it was like he was frozen in place. As if his whole body was turned to stone. 

 

He couldn’t do this. 

 

He couldn't go home.

 

He couldn’t do the tests.

 

He couldn’t face his mum.

 

He couldn’t bring his grades up.

 

He just couldn’t.

 

It was too much.

 

He couldn’t breathe.

 

Shun’s hands shook on the desk, it was like his throat had closed over. No air was getting to his lungs and his heart was pounding so fast he was sure the entire class could hear it over their chatter. Every breath Shun took hurt his chest, it was like a sumo wrestler was sitting on it. He wondered if this was what a heart attack felt like.

 

“Let’s go.” Saiki had walked up to him without him realising. He put his hand on Shun’s shoulder, and Shun felt he could breathe again. His hands slowly stopped shaking and his heartbeat slowed too. 

 

Taking in a big breath he nodded. Shun then looked around the room, Aren was nowhere to be seen. Teruhashi and Yumehara were talking with a group of boys from the neighbouring class. Nendo was listening to Hairo get increasingly heated about something.

 

Grabbing his bag, Shun followed Saiki down to the entrance. They changed shoes and headed home. Walking with Saiki was quiet and uneventful. Shun really did love it, and was so grateful for him. Saiki was his best friend too, in a different way to Aren, but just as important. 

 

When they arrived at Shun’s house Saiki nodded goodbye and went to leave, but Shun stopped him.

 

“Saiki!” When Saiki turned back to Shun, he jumped at him pulling Saiki into a hug. Shun squeezed as hard as he could, he wasn’t strong so it’s not like it would hurt but he just wanted Saiki to understand. “Thank you.”

 

“ Yare yare.” Saiki patted Shun on the shoulder twice before he pulled back.

 

It was the last day he and Saiki would walk home together before the tests. He drew as much strength from Saiki as he possibly could, then went inside with a wave.

 

That evening, Shun was surprised to see how much the cuts on his wrists had healed.

 

***

 

The weekend was long and hard . Harder than any of the days before. He didn’t eat, he barely slept. The work he had never ended. It was overwhelming. Neither sleep nor memories of sitting in the sun with Aren were strong enough to ward off the darkness; he finished the weekend with far more cuts than he had when it started.

 

Monday morning came around fast and Shun was tired. Really tired. He wished that he had been able to sleep more. He did his usual routine and headed out the door.

 

Aren stood there, like always, waiting for Shun. He had a textbook in hand and waved it at Shun.

 

“Last minute studying,” Aren said as he put it away. 

 

“Morning.” 

 

“Here I got you this,” Aren held out two rice balls and a can of coffee, “I assumed you wouldn’t eat, and that you’d be tired today, so, uh,  yeah.”

 

Shun stared at the things in Aren’s hands for a long time, overwhelmed by everything. Despair and hopelessness, dizziness and nervousness, sadness and guilt. It was too much for Shun. 

 

Neither of them spoke. 

 

“LET'S GO!” Shun yelled before he set out in a sprint. He didn’t know why he just had to .

 

“SHUN!” Aren called from behind in surprise, but Aren had long legs and was athletic so he caught Shun easily.

 

After about fifty meters Shun stopped leaning down with his hands on his knees. He was never good at sports, but without sleep and food his body couldn’t sustain anything. Shun paused for a moment puffing. 

 

“You okay?” Aren laughed.

 

“Just— letting you—  catch— your— breath,” Shun said between big breaths.

 

“I appreciate that, thank you.” Aren didn’t even sound slightly out of breath.

 

After his breathing regulated again Shuns stood back up straight. Aren was watching him closely. 

 

“Here,” Aren held out the two Onigiri and the can of coffee.

 

“Thank you,” Shun said and took an Onigiri and the coffee. His hands were too small to be able to carry all of them. The coffee can was warm in his hands, warding off the cold December air.

 

Aren put the spare one in his jacket pocket and bent down, an invitation for Shun to hop on. He did so and Aren stood up.

 

The Onigiri had an Umeboshi in the center, just the way Shun liked it. It tasted like home— like safety. He hummed in appreciation as he finished the first one.

 

“Good?”

 

“The best. I like everything you make the best.” 

 

“The best?”

 

“The best out of everything ever.”

 

“That’s high praise,” Aren said and laughed, Shun squeezed his arms right around Aren in response.

 

Shun used his free hand and opened his coffee, the rich scent of it mixed with Aren’s shampoo as Shun brought it to his mouth. It had cooled enough to drink. Shun didn’t particularly like coffee but he did like the caffeine and would normally drink coffee when he needed the extra energy. 

 

“Can I have some?” Aren spoke up. 

 

A moment passed as Shun tried to make his brain work again. His mind ran through a bunch of different thoughts once it started working. Words like, lips, intimate, kiss, indirect, mouth, all flashed through his mind.

 

“Ah, sure,” Shun finally said, and held the can out in front of them. 

 

“Umm, my hands are a little full, can you?” Aren turned his head slightly to Shun and tightened his grip on Shun’s legs as emphasis. 

 

“Ah— uh— o-of course.” Shun hadn’t expected that he’d have to actually help Aren drink.

 

Shun raised the coffee to Aren’s mouth, he tried very hard not to focus on Aren’s mouth. He really did. Aren tilted his back a little and Shun followed with the coffee. Tilting the coffee back down he removed it from against Aren’s mouth. It was smooth and they moved in time, no spilling or choking.

 

“Mmm, it’s pretty good.” Aren nodded as if he were agreeing with himself, “We’re pretty good at this. I wonder what else we’d be good at.”

 

Shun froze. Why? Why did Aren do this to him? Shun’s heart couldn’t take much more of these kinds of comments.

 

Aren chuckled.

 

“Uh, Want any more?”

 

“Nah, not for the moment.” 

 

It appeared they were going to share the coffee, maybe?

 

Raising the can to his own lips, Shun took a large gulp of the coffee trying to ignore the thought that Aren’s had been on there only moments before.

 

The coffee was good. It was just canned coffee from the convenience store, but it was good. Maybe it was just that Aren bought it for him or that he was sharing it with Aren. It was just good coffee.

 

They shared the coffee on the way to school and Shun ate the second Onigiri. He didn’t fall asleep after he had finished eating, and Aren didn’t put him down until they got to the school gates. 

 

Homeroom felt quick and all the students sat with their textbooks open doing last minute study. Shun opened the textbook but didn’t study; he just stared at the page. Aren had his text book out, concentrating on whatever was written on the page. Aren didn’t tend to study like this, but it gave Shun a little extra strength seeing Aren study somehow. 

 

They had tests all day Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday and Thursday would be days where classes were relaxed; they mostly could do whatever since the teachers spent their time marking. Friday was a half day where they basically only went in to get their results. Then it was the winter holidays.  

 

***

 

The day went by fast, Shun couldn’t tell if the tests were hard or not. He was sure he’d gotten some of the answers wrong, but all the extra study he had done meant that it was much easier than he had anticipated. At lunch Aren sat at his desk studying. Shun took a nap, the table and chair were much more uncomfortable than Aren.

 

In the afternoon Shun didn’t see Aren and walked home with Saiki. He studied all into the night, it was long and even though the last day of tests was so close it wasn’t over. No light at the end of the tunnel because there was no end of the tunnel. 

 

Sora gave him a hug the following morning as he was walking out the door. 

 

“You can do it, I’m so proud of you.” She said. 

 

It made Shun’s heart clench. 

 

“Thank you.” Was all he managed to say.

 

He was met by Aren standing at the gate. Aren had a textbook in his hand frowning at it. 

 

“Shun! Can you tell me why this is 32x+3y?” Aren pointed at the book.

 

It was unusual for Aren to do this, but Shun would do anything to help Aren. So he walked over and they stood there as Shun explained it to Aren. It was one of the more difficult questions that the textbook had in this chapter but Aren seemed to grasp the concept fairly easily once Shun had explained it.

 

Like the previous day Aren had brought Shun two Onigiris and a coffee, Aren gave Shun a piggy back to school, and they shared the coffee. Shun sat the tests and napped through lunch at his desk.

 

Shun stared at the clock as it ticked down the last three minutes of the last test. He had finished the test, looked over it twice, and just couldn’t do anything more. It was almost done. When the time was up Shun just stared down at the test taking calm deep breaths. Practicing some Calm Breathing. His brain was slowly slipping away. He had worn out his body and mind studying for the tests, and he felt the world ebbing slowly away from his consciousness.

 

The teacher collected the tests and then the class was dismissed. Excitement filled the classroom, students laughed and cheered. To Shun; however, It was like a house party two doors down, you could hear things happening, but it was muffled and disjointed like sound in a limbo world next to this reality. 

 

Shun paused at his desk for a few minutes before he got up and grabbed his things. He just wanted to get home, he needed to be alone. He needed to not have to study, he needed to sleep. He needed to just not live for a little bit. He needed dreamless sleep. He needed to just not.

 

Weaving through the students in the class Shun headed to the shoe lockers.

 

— Oh, Chibi, let’s go get Ramen—

 

—Chihuahua-kun!— 

 

— Kaido-kun, how were your tests — 

 

Shun heard his classmates, but he didn’t hear them.

 

None of them stopped him as he left. Shun changed his shoes and walked home on his own. He didn’t need Saiki or Aren, he was empty. He didn’t care anymore. It was over for now, and he had done what he could. Aren could go hang out with his secret girlfriend, and Saiki could go get ramen with Nendo and the others. 

 

When he arrived at home he stopped outside. Shun wondered what was waiting inside for him. It didn’t matter anymore, nothing really ever did. He wasn’t sure if it ever had.

 

Sora was sitting at the dining table and she smiled at him. She got up and gave Shun a strong hug.

 

“Good job, you did so well. I’m so proud.” She didn’t let go. 

 

Shun didn’t understand why people said that. He didn’t have anything to be proud of. They shouldn’t be proud of him. But Sora was warm and safe and full of love. 

 

“Thank you, Sora.” Shun hugged her back just as tightly. He pulled away after a bit.

 

“You don’t have any homework, you can go rest,” Sora said. 

 

Instant relief washed over Shun, he could rest. He could sleep. He could just not be, not have to be alive. Sleep without dreams is like borrowing death, just for a little bit.

 

He headed to his room and collapsed in his bed and sleep took him almost immediately.

 

Shun’s poor body finally had the rest it needed, and it just gave out. The next two days Shun spent in and out of sleep and feverish dreams. He was too cold, too hot, too hungry, too nauseous, too tired, too sore, too stiff, too everything . 

 

Too Alive.

Notes:

Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed it! I defintly enjoyed writing this chapter, I'm sorry if the end felt a little rushed. It was kinda meant to be like that, but idk if it worked. but it's done and we love that lol. I hope to have the next chapter up eventually, once I write it rip.

Thanks for reading!

Kudos and comments fuel my soul.

Chapter 7

Notes:

TW: mentions of past suicide, self harm/self harms scars and everything else up until this point

HI FRENS IT APPEARS I HAVE LIED TO YOU
Because I have 0 chill and 100% added an extra sub plot line and about 9k of things and scenes I hadn't planned on adding.... So now here is a 12.5k update because i can't find a good split so just lumped it into one
SO NOW THERE WILL BE ANOTHER CHAPTER AFTER THIS!!! Even though I said this one would be the last. Ooop

Anyway! It's like a mix of angst and fluff (kinda) so pls enjoy!

“Shun.” Sora opened his door.

 

It was Thursday evening and Shun had been awake for a few hours now, his fever having finally subsided. His body still ached, and he was sure he smelt terrible and was quite sticky. He hadn’t showered since Tuesday morning and had spent the past two days constantly sweating. 

 

Shun was anxious about his results, and it was fairly distressing. He had done everything he possibly could, but he wasn’t sure if it was good enough. 

 

“Here, I made Okayu ,” Sora said and held out the dish to him. 

 

Sora’s Okayu was the best. The rice pudding has a soft Miso flavour, and she always puts an umeboshi or two and some spring onions on top. His mother used to make it when he was younger and got sick; but ever since Sora learnt to cook, she would make it for him.

 

“Thank you,” Shun said, sitting up and taking the bowl.

 

The bowl was warm in his hand and the smell of miso wafted up from it. Sora moved to his desk chair and sat in it. She brought her knees to her chest and rested her hands on top, just watching him.

 

Ignoring Sora’s eyes on him, Shun ate a small spoonful of the rice. He hadn’t realised how hungry he actually was. He hadn’t eaten since lunch on Tuesday. His body had gotten used to not eating, but fighting whatever gave him the fever had really taken all his energy away.

 

“It’s delicious.”

 

“I’m glad.”

 

He ate slowly, thankful to have Sora with him. She didn’t say anything, there were a few times when their eyes would lock and it looked like she would say something, but she never did. 

 

When Shun finished he put his hands together and thanked her for the meal.

 

“You smell, I’ll go run the bath.” Sora chuckled as she grabbed the bowl from him.

 

“I don’t smell that much,” Shun said with a half hearted chuckle. 

 

He loved Sora with his whole heart. She was his younger sister but sometimes it felt like she was the older one, she always seemed to be looking after him. Shun was stuck in this spiral where he couldn’t quite get out into the rest of the world, he was trapped in himself. It wasn’t a selfish intention or anything like that, he just was trapped only having the energy and the capability to focus on the things right around him. He wasn’t like Sora who was able to look after other people, to put other people first without burning out straight away. It was another thing he felt guilty about. 

 

However, Shun couldn’t keep thinking like that, he couldn’t get sucked into that spiral again. He needed to not be selfish. He just needed to stop. He didn’t know how to get out of it. He couldn’t get out.

 

“Baths ready,” Sora said from the doorway. 

 

“Thank you.” Shun hopped out of bed. 

 

Grabbing a clean pair of pyjamas, Shun headed to the bathroom. He got undressed and hesitated in front of the mirror. His collar bones protrude sharply out below his neck and you could see the slight outlines of his ribs. His eyes had dark circles under them and his cheekbones were sharper than usual, his skin was a pale white and made him look like he was on death’s doorstep. Hair was stuck to his forehead and sticking out on the top. 

 

Shun wondered how long he’d looked like that, surely for a while now. His face heated up with embarrassment and shame.

 

Shaking off that thought, Shun sat under the shower and let the water run over him for a minute. Then washed his face, his hair, and his body. The hot water was refreshing and warm against his skin. Shun hadn’t realised how cold he had been.

 

Once  all the soap was rinsed off he hopped into the bath. Shun loved baths, it was warm, like a full body hug. It always sucked all the pain and stress from his body, it recharged him. Shun liked the water, he just couldn’t swim. That was another thing on the list of Things Kaido Shun Is Ashamed Of™, it was a pretty long list.

 

After a few minutes Shun stretched out as far as he could, trying to release all the tension built up in his body. He sighed and brought his arms above water, he’d avoided looking at them until now. He was ashamed of his arms. For one thing he was weak as hell, he had absolutely no muscles at all, a baby could beat him in an arm wrestle. That wasn’t really the main reason. The scars and cuts and scabs maring his wrists were why. 

 

Shun stared at his arms laying face up on the water, just floating there. Every mark and scar on them slowly burned into the back of his eyes. Shun was sure that if he shut his eyes he’d see them all, just as vivid as if he were seeing them.

 

The world slowed and the only thing he could hear was his heart beating slowly as if it were inside his head, rattling around in there. It sounded like someone playing the bass drum in his skull. It was so loud, he thought he might never hear anything else again.

 

Shun leant forwards and plunged his head under the water. 

 

Beating in his head gradually subsided as his lungs slowly began calling for air. Shun scrunched his eyes, willing everything to just stop. 

 

He just wanted to be okay . 

 

Just for a moment. 

 

Lungs screaming for oxygen, Shun lifted his head out of the water and took a big gasp of air. Once his breathing was back to normal he realised the pounding in his head had subsided. Shun welcomed the silence. Pulling his knees to his chest he rested his head on them and wrapped his arms around his legs. He shut his eyes and willing all the emotions packed in his chest to just go away. 

 

Willing the tears that were threatening to overflow away.

 

***

 

“Oniiiiichan, you’re gonna be late!” Toki called through the bathroom door. 

 

Shun had woken up late, nerves had gotten the best of him and he hadn’t been able to sleep properly. The only thing that had calmed him down enough was to cut. He didn’t want to, he just had to.

 

Making sure the red bandages were secured around his wrist he swung the door open and was met with a surprised Toki.

 

“Morning,” Shun said and ruffled his little brother’s hair.

 

“Oniichan, you look tired! Were you fighting The Dark Reunion™ again last night?” Toki cocked his head.

 

“You bet I was! But they didn’t stand a chance against the power hidden within my arms,” Shun said before taking a dramatic pose.

 

“You are so cool! I want to be strong like you!”

 

Shun felt guilt squirm in his stomach at those words. He wasn’t strong, Toki shouldn’t ever want to be like him.

 

“You already are!” Shun ruffled Toki’s hair and pulled him into a quick hug, “I better hurry or I’ll be late.”

 

In the kitchen his mother was sitting there eating breakfast. 

 

“Shun, results announcements are today. If you are 22nd or above you can stop your extra homework,” His mother said without looking up. 

 

“Okay, thank you.” Shun stood there for a few more seconds but she didn’t address him again so he went to the door.

 

Being 22nd in the grade out of 160 plus students is quite a feat, that’s where he was after the last semester tests. However, he’d slipped. He had even failed a test. Shun wasn’t sure if he had done enough to get back to 22nd. 

 

“Shun,” Sora said from behind him. Shun couldn’t remember when she had stopped calling him Oniichan and started calling him by his name.

 

He paused with one shoe on and the other in his hand and gave her a smile.

 

“Both days.” Sora nodded with a soft smile.

 

“What?” Shun had no idea what she was talking about.

 

“Kuboyasu-kun.” Sora nodded resolutely again.

 

What had Aren done?

 

“Sora, what?” 

 

Sora didn’t say anything, she just turned with a wave and walked away.  

 

Giving up on trying to understand what Sora was saying, Shun pulled on his shoe, threw a goodbye over his shoulder and walked out the door.

 

“SHUN!” 

 

Shun turned around just in time to see Aren before he was hauled into a tight hug.

 

Aren was warm and solid. He was safe and Shun hadn’t realised how much he had missed Aren over the past two days. It was only two days. However, that was long enough for Shun to miss the other boy.

 

Wrapping his arms around Aren’s waist, Shun leaned into the hug and Aren rested his head against the top of Shun’s.

 

“I was so worried—  worried you weren’t gonna come today— you never miss school. You looked so unwell— tired— after the test and then Sora said you were sick— you get sick easily but you didn’t have any energy— because you haven’t eaten anything— being sick takes even more energy— and you’re so small— your body— it— I just—” Aren paused to take a big breath, as he hadn’t since he had started speaking. 

 

“I’m glad you’re okay.” Aren pulled back and smiled down at Shun, causing those damn caterpillars to hatch, turn into butterflies and flitter around in his stomach.

 

Shun nodded, he didn’t trust his voice but he also didn’t know what he wanted to say.

 

“Have you eaten today?” Aren reached for his bag.

 

“Aren?” Shun said, and Aren turned to him.

 

“Mm?”

 

“Thank you.” Shun smiled at him.

 

A cold December breeze blew, rufling the hair framing Aren’s face. 

 

“Anything for you,” Aren finally said with a smile.

 

Shun looked down, heat rising in his face. Aren was too kind, too beautiful, too strong, too incredible and he chose to spend time with Shun . He didn’t understand why, but it was wonderful.

 

“Have you eaten?” Aren asked again.

 

“I feel sick,” Shun said and shook his head.

 

Aren grabbed his shoulders and leant down worry on his face, he raised a hand to Shun’s forehead. 

 

“Are you sure you are okay? You feel a little warm. Are you sure you’re up to coming to school? Maybe you should—” 

 

“Aren! I’m fine, just nervous.” Shun pushed Aren’s hand off him.

 

“Oh.” Aren stood back up.

 

He should be ashamed that he was nervous and that he had to tell Aren. 

 

But he wasn’t.

 

It was Aren, he had never judged Shun. Never made him feel less of a person. Never made him feel bad on purpose. Aren was wonderful.

 

“Don’t worry,” Aren swung an arm around Shun’s shoulders, “I’ll protect you.”

 

Normally Shun would make a comment about not needing to be protected; something something—The Dark Reunion™—something something—hidden power—something something, but he didn’t.

 

“Thank you.” 

 

There was no reply from Aren but Shun could feel his eyes on him.

 

Aren told Shun about the stupid things Nendo did that Shun missed while he was away and talked about what part of his bike he was working on currently. Other than that, they walked in silence. Shun wrapped safely in Aren’s arm.

 

Shun hadn’t been able to work up the courage to warp his own arm around Aren ever since he had first wanted to. He had been so close, but he lost the nerve last time. It was normal for friends to walk with an arm around the other’s shoulder, but Shun couldn’t remember seeing an arm around the waist of the other friend.

 

However, they weren’t normal friends. 

 

They were best friends.  

 

Best friends .

 

Friends. 

 

Not anything else. 

 

Shun shouldn’t expect anything. Everytime he looked at Aren he wanted something more than what friends do. Everytime he thought about Aren he wanted more than friendship. Everytime he felt guilty and that ugly monster version of himself locked deep in his mind told him he was betraying their friendship— Aren’s trust. 

 

They say you can’t choose who you love, but Shun wanted to meet whoever made that rule and unleash his Black Beat™ on them. It was definitely The Dark Reunion™ making him like Aren more than a friend. and not how much of an incredible, fantastic, and magnificent person he is.

 

Whatever.

 

As long as Aren was by his side, Shun didn’t mind. 

 

He shouldn’t .

 

So he wasn’t going to let it stop him from enjoying his time with Aren. It was the only time he felt alive , in a good way. 

 

There’s feeling alive, and feeling alive.

 

Aren made Shun feel alive . 

 

If Aren could always touch Shun, wrap an arm around him, hug him, ruffle his hair, sit Shun in his lap— Shun should be able to do some things like that too. It was only fair. Besides, Aren wrapping his arm around Shun made Shun feel safe and loved. A ruffle of the hair made him feel seen, a hug made him feel valued. 

 

Surely, if Shun were to do something like that for Aren he might appreciate it. 

 

Right?

 

Thinking about it like that, Shun has been selfish— like always— only receiving and never giving. 

 

That would make Shun a bad friend. He was already not a great friend for falling for Aren and betraying his trust, so he shouldn’t add this to the list. 

 

Right, it’s decided then. 

 

He would wrap his arm around Aren’s waist. 

 

He would, right now.

 

Now.

 

Now.

 

Now.

 

Right now.

 

Shun couldn’t move his arm. It wouldn’t move. 

 

Taking a moment and a deep breath, Shun used the normal backwards swing of his arm and lifted it up in one swift motion behind them to wrap it around Aren’s waist. 

 

In Clumsy Shun™ fashion it didn’t quite go to plan. His arm went under Aren’s jacket, it was bunched up against Shun’s shoulder, which wasn’t terrible. In his haste, however; he’d gotten his hand stuck in Aren’s shirt which had also ridden up and ended up untucked at the back. Shun’s hand ended it’s movement resting against the bare skin of Aren’s lower back. 

 

Shun squeaked, his face suddenly so on fire he was sure you could toast marshmallows on it. 

 

Aren drew in a sharp breath and froze, as if all his muscles had turned to stone. His arm around Shun felt stiff and tight. Was Aren angry at Shun? Friends don’t put their hands under their shirts. Aren had never been actually angry at Shun, but he’d never done something like this.

 

The skin under Shun’s hand was soft and warm, heating up Shun’s cold hand.

 

This was not at all how it was supposed to go. Shun couldn’t look at Aren like this, he was so embarrassed that everywhere from his neck up was burning. He could dress up as a tomato and not have to paint his face.

 

Blinking out of his supor, Shun reluctantly glanced a look up at Aren.

 

A deep red dusting his cheeks, Aren was already looking down at Shun with wide eyes. They locked their gaze and Shun felt his face burn even more, in fact it wasn’t just his face anymore; it was his entire upper body. Shun’s heart was slamming away in his chest again, it always seemed to do that around Aren. He wasn’t sure if his heart was hammering away because he was worried Aren was going to be mad, or something else.

 

“I—” Shun opened his mouth to apologise, but he was interrupted by Aren laughing. 

 

Crinkled eyes and a wide smile. 

 

Pink cheeks and long eyelashes.

 

Sharp jaw and smooth eyebrows.

 

Purple hair and glistening eyes.

 

Shun would never get bored of looking at Aren. Everything about him was almost magical . Shun had always been sure real people don’t look that good . Yet here he was on the receiving end of a smile from a real life human who did look that good .

 

Maybe Aren was fae because SHun had become mesmerised— trapped. 

 

“Your hand is like an ice block. Iif you were cold you should have told me—” 

 

All Shun could do is splutter trying to will his brain to form a coherent sentence.

 

“Maa, I don’t mind— if it keeps your fingers from falling off, and makes you feel more comfortable,” Aren said and shrugged.

 

Blinking, Shun waited for his brain to catch up with the situation and what Aren had said. 

 

“I— uh— it’s— I’m— I— my—” Shun’s brain and mouth just didn’t connect. When it came to Aren it happened a lot.

 

That wasn’t why Shun had put his arm around Aren, not at all. He had definitely not intended to put his hand under Aren’s shirt. It was incredibly embarrassing. He didn’t know which was worse, Aren assuming that Shun had done it deliberately to warm his hands or the fact that he’d messed it up that bad.

 

The only salvation was that Aren didn’t mind. 

 

Aren said it was okay. So surely it was okay.

 

Right?

 

His hands were cold anyway, so it’s okay to do this.

 

Right?

 

It’s okay to be selfish sometimes. 

 

Right?

 

Shun nodded and Aren smiled, squeezing his arm around Shun. Shifting his arm around so it was sitting in a more comfortable position on Aren’s waist, Shun could feel the muscles in Aren’s lower back move as his hand trailed across it.

 

“Shit, Shun, your hand is freezing.” 

 

“Sorry.” Shun went to retract his hand.

 

“Give me the other one,” Aren said and held out his hand that wasn’t wrapped around Shun’s shoulders.

 

Shun pulled his hand out of his pocket and held it out to Aren who took it in his hand. Aren’s hands were much bigger than Shun’s, they were strong and stained by a life of physicality. Aren’s hand was warm, and held Shun’s gently.

 

“Shun, how are your fingers still attached?” 

 

“Ahh…” Shun didn’t really have an answer.

 

Pulling Shun’s hand closer, Aren started rubbing it, the same way you would your own hand, in an attempt to warm it up. Shun could feel the heat of Aren’s hand and the friction start to generate warmth on his own. 

 

After a moment Aren lifted both hands to his mouth and blew warm air onto them.

 

Shun’s brain short circuited and he looked up at Aren with wide eyes.

 

Seemingly unaware of what he was doing to Shun and his poor brain, Aren rubbed their hands together before repeating his previous action. Aren’s breath left tingles across Shun’s hand that traveled all the way along his arms to his head, chest, and stomach. 

 

After repeating the sequence again Aren froze mid breath, glancing down at their intertwined hands he had just been blowing on. Aren glanced down at him. All Shun could do was look back up at Aren with wide eyes. 

 

His poor brain had not been able to catch up, it probably needed a soft restart.

 

As Aren looked between their hands and Shun, red slowly grew on his cheeks. Pink cheeks always made Aren look even more alive. It made his eyes shine, and drew out the colour in his hair. It was another thing that made him beautiful.

 

“Uh, I— I’m sorry—  I wasn’t thinking— I just,” Aren said, words spilling from his mouth.

 

For the first time in a while Shun laughed. It wasn’t a large carefree one, it was just small, but it came from his chest and gave him a warmth that he had been missing. With a laugh, Aren let go of his hand and scratched his cheek.

 

Shun missed the warmth of Aren’s hand, but Aren’s arm around him, Aren’s skin underneath his fingers, Aren’s laugh, his own laugh; it was more than enough to warm him up.

 

***

 

The sounds of students reacting to their scores, cheers, sighs, and groans, slowly faded into the background as Shun’s eyes trailed along the score list.

 

18: Matsumura Eriko

 

19: Saito Koto

 

20: Sakurai Akiko

 

21: Aikawa Noriko

 

22: Nonaka Nao

 

…

 

…

23: Kaido Shun

 

Twenty three.

 

23.

 

Twenty. 

 

Three.

 

2

 

3

 

Not twenty two or above.

 

Below.

 

Shun was below twenty two. He didn’t get his grade back. All that work and he still failed. He failed to do what he had promised. All those sleepless nights. Every meal he missed. Every afternoon he didn’t see his friends. Every scar on his arms. Every breakfast and lunch Aren got him. Every lunch Aren sat with Shun. Every day Saiki walked him home.

 

It was all for nothing.

 

He was a failure. 

 

If Shun had felt nauseous earlier it was nothing compared to what he felt now. Shun couldn’t remember another time when he felt this nervous, this sad, this nauseous, this upset, this hopeless. 

 

There was no escape. 

 

Winter holidays started tomorrow, and he was surely going to have to work right through it. He was going to spend every second studying. Then he would spend every second of the last term studying. Then he would have to spend spring break studying for the third year. Then he would spend every waking moment in third year studying for the university entrance exams. Then in University he would spend every second studying to get good grades. Then he would study to make sure he did well in all the job selection tests. Then he would spend all his time working. 

 

It wouldn’t end.

 

Shun didn’t want any of it. 

 

He just wanted to spend some time with his friends.

 

It wasn’t even like he hated studying. Shun liked learning new things. His brain craved information, just like everyone. Just not like this. What’s the point in it if all he did was study and collect information when he couldn’t share it with anyone? What was the point if he tried as hard as he could and was still disappointing people. Still a failure.

 

Why try when he was always going to fail?

 

Why.

 

“Well done Shun!” 

 

From behind him, Aren wrapped his arms around Shuns waist and lifted him up, shook him side to side for a second before twirling them in a sort of pirouette. 

 

This made Shun feel ten times sicker than he was before. 

 

Shun frantically slapped Aren’s arms wrapped around him, swinging his legs into Aren’s.

 

“A-Aren stop, I— You’re making me feel sick,” Shun managed to say, his head had started to pound and the tightness in his chest was making everything worse.

 

“Shun, I-I’m sorry,” Aren said and put him down immediately.

 

Shaking his head, Shun took a deep breath trying to will away the feelings, the nausea, the hopelessness. 

 

“Are you still feeling unwell?” Aren had moved around to stand in front of Shun, “Do you still have a fever?” Aren raised his hand to touch Shun’s forehead; however, Shun stepped backwards.

 

“I think I’ll just go home.” Shun nodded to himself.

 

“I’ll walk you.” Aren stepped towards Shun.

 

“No, I'm fine. I'll be fine. Just need to lie down,” Shun said and turned down the hallway. 

 

They only had homeroom and then it was the end of the day. Shun would just leave, it didn’t really matter. 

 

“I’ll get your homework then?” Aren called from behind him.

 

Turning his head, Shun made eye contact with Aren. He looked like there was something he wanted to say but couldn’t, eyebrows drawn in and mouth turned down. Shun nodded his head and Aren gave a small wave. 

 

With Aren, the school, and all his friends behind him Shun started walking. He wasn’t going to go home. Not right then, he couldn’t. He didn’t have the strength to face home, to face his mother. To face his incompetence. 

 

His failure.

 

Because that’s what he was; a failure. 

 

So Shun walked. 

 

And walked.

 

And walked.

 

Past his house, down small alleyways, and behind houses.

 

He ended up at a small park. It was empty and cold. Run down and with little upkeep. The park was like how Shun felt. He was cold and empty, run down and with no upkeep. Shun was empty but overflowing with emotion. Every part of his being hurt. 

 

All the sadness, despair, and hopelessness melted with the anger, frustration, and resentment, and mixed with the guilt, shame, and disgrace. It hurt. 

 

Why.

 

Why was he like this? Why was he born? Why was he a failure? Why couldn’t he do things properly? Why did he have to feel it all? Why couldn’t he just dissociate?

 

 Why couldn’t he just stop feeling? 

 

He walked over to one of the overgrown bushes and sat down under it. Pulled his knees to his chest, wrapped his arms around them, and rested his face against his knees.

 

Shun cried. 

 

He cried and cried until no tears were left.

 

Every bit of sadness, sorrow, anger, hopelessness; it all overflowed. It didn’t leave, it just spilled over. All the times he had kept the tears in, every time he squashed the feelings away, it all came out. Like a pipe with a small crack, it kept splitting until everything overflowed.

 

Once all the tears stopped, Shun pulled his legs closer, finally feeling like he had some control of his body again. 

 

Time passed and the air became cold around him. The world around Shun slowly became darker, shadows grew longer until they disappeared, but still he sat under the bush with his arms wrapped around his legs. 

 

“You shouldn’t be out here this late, it’s not a safe neighborhood.”

 

The voice shocked Shun out of his endless thoughts and he looked up.

 

Standing in front of him was a man who looked like he was in his late thirties or early forties. He had a rough beard, bushy eyebrows, and an angry frown on his face. He was large, muscly and tall. He wore torn jeans, a black shirt, and a leather jacket. Ending just above his t-shirt, Shun could see black ink on the man’s neck.

 

Shun felt his heart squeeze tight in shock and fear, then start to speed up. 

 

“Here,” The man said and held his hand out to Shun.

 

Fearing for his safety, Shun didn’t move. The man sighed, the frown lost a little of the anger it had and then man crouched down in front of Shun.

 

“You didn’t run away from home did you?” The man looked Shun up and down. 

 

He hadn’t, right? That wasn’t why Shun was here, he just couldn’t be home. He couldn’t face anything, but he hadn’t run away. He was going to go back. He just couldn’t.

 

So Shun shook his head.

 

“Okay, let’s get you home then little pup.” The man stood back up and held his hand out to Shun. The man smiled at Shun. 

 

This time Shun held out his hand and the man pulled him up to his feet.

 

“You’re freezing, how long have you been out here?” The man frowned at Shun. He was at least half a meter taller than Shun.

 

“Uh, since twelve, maybe.”

 

The man hummed in disapproval. 

 

“Here, you can borrow it until you get home,” The man said and slipped his jacket off and draped it over Shun.

 

The jacket was huge on Shun, coming down to his knees. It was heavy and big, but it was warm. Shun hadn’t realised how cold he had really gotten. It smelt of sweat and faintly of smoke— like it had been worn around people who smoke, but not by someone who smokes.

 

“Thank you.” Shun pulled the jacket further around him.

 

“Which way?” The man asked and Shun pointed the way he had come.

 

They sat off in silence. 

 

After a few minutes of Shun directing them they reached a small alleyway with a few slightly dubious looking Izakayas and a ramen restaurant. 

 

Shun hadn’t passed through here.

 

He was lost.

 

Looking around trying to understand where he had taken them and what was happening, Shun started to get nervous. He was always terrible at directions but surely he didn’t get that lost. He didn’t have his phone so he couldn’t even look up the directions. 

 

Shit.

 

“Oi Matsu, who’ve you got there?” 

 

A voice came from in front of them and when Shun turned to the front a short stubby man wearing a dirty white apron was standing in the doorway of one of the Izakayas, Sei To Shi. Written with the kanjis for life and death. He had a bottle of beer in one hand and a small sushi knife in the other. 

 

“Oh, Yamada! A lonely little pup,” The man beside Shun— Matsu said.  

 

“Oh poor little pup,” The short man said, shaking his head.

 

“We’re going home.” Matsu nodded at Shun.

 

“Make sure you see him all the way to the doorway.” An old lady appeared next to the man holding one side of the Noren out of her face, “I don’t want to see you back here if you didn’t see him walk inside.”

 

“Yes, yes. I will.” Matsu waved them off and turned to Shun, “Ready?”

 

Shun shook his head. He was trying to follow the conversation and understand what was going on, keep his emotions in check, and trying to visualise how he had gotten to the park. All at the same time. He was not ready to go. He didn’t even know where they were going.

 

“Hmmm okay.” Matsu stood for a second, “Wait here,” he said and disappeared inside the izakaya.

 

“You’re a lost lonely pup?” The old woman said.

 

Shun nodded.

 

“Mmm, do you know your address, tell Matsu,” She said.

 

Shun nodded again.

 

“Here.” Matsu walked out of the izakaya, he held out his hand; in it was a bottle of tea. Shun hesitated and Matsu pushed it out towards Shun who took it.

 

It was the kind of tea that they keep in heated sections in the convenience stores. It was warm and against Shun’s cold hands it was hot.  

 

“Thank you,” Shun said. He looked up from the tea and smiled at Matsu.

 

“Awww he’s a cute little lonely pup!” Matsu ruffled Shun’s hair. 

 

“He’s a cute little lonely lost pup.” The woman said.

 

“Oh shit, you’re lost? Should’a told me earlier. Tell me your address, I’ll get you home safe.”

 

Matsu knew the neighbourhood where Shun lived and was confident that he’d be able to take him there. They had somehow managed to walk diagonally away from his house. Shun really needed to work on his spatial awareness. 

 

“Thank you Aiko-san,” Matsu said and bowed to the woman.

 

“Thank you very much.” Shun bowed, too.

 

“Get home safely, little pup,” She said before waving and walking back inside.

 

Shun didn’t really like being compared to a dog. Toritsuka already did that at school. However, this didn’t feel the same way it did then. There was no teasing, mischief or joking, it was in a playful and almost loving way. After spending the last 10 or so minutes with Matsu and now meeting Aiko-san and the other man he couldn’t believe he had been scared of them.

 

Matsu set out and Shun followed. He kept his tea close within his hands tucked underneath Matsu’s jacket. He had a few sips and it warmed his throat and stomach. Turns out he was pretty thrifty and a little hungry, too.

 

Walking with Matsu was nice, he felt safe and he didn’t press Shun about anything. He didn’t question why Shun was so far from home, or why he had been hiding under a bush, or why he didn’t have a phone.

 

He just helped .

 

He didn’t even know Shun and yet he was walking around at the end of december in a t-shirt with a small kid he’s never met, making sure he got home safely. 

 

Why.

 

Shun was full of questions today. Ones that maybe didn’t have answers. 

 

They had finally reached a point where Shun had started recognising things. They were maybe five or so minutes from his house.

 

“Uh, I know where I am now, I-I’m very sorry you had to come all this way. I can make my own way home now.” Shun stopped and bowed to Matsu. 

 

“Come on, you heard Aiko-san, I’m not allowed back if I don’t see you walk through your door,” Matsu said with a laugh and pushed a large hand on Shun’s back to keep him walking.

 

“Uh, w-why are you helping me? You don’t even know me.” Shun didn’t look up as they kept walking.

 

“Hmmmm, because when you see someone who needs help it doesn’t matter who it is. We all are worthy of help,” Matsu said as if it was a fact. No room for argument. 

 

Humming, Shun thought about it. Was he really worthy of any help?

 

“Would you help me?” Matsu said.

 

“Of course.” Shun said immediately, of course he would. He didn’t have to think about it.

 

“See? You don’t know me but you’d help.” 

 

Shun fell silent.

 

“You see, it's natural instinct. People only mention instincts when they’re talking about violence and fear— and mating. But they’re not the only things, you see it’s our instinct— it’s written in our genes—   to make packs, to help, to form families, to protect, and to create bonds.”

 

“I never thought about it like that,” Shun said with a slow nod. 

 

They fell silent and Shun contemplated Matsu. He wasn’t at all what he expected, but then a lot of the time people aren’t what you expect them to be. Saiki looks like he doesn’t really care about anything or anyone but never failed to walk Shun home. His mother looks kind and caring but she’s cruel and manipulative. Aren looks like a serious student, but he’s silly and funny and caring with a less than studious past.

 

“Aren’t you cold?” Shun turned to Matsu.

“Nah, not at all. I’m never cold. I only wear that because it makes me look cool,” Matsu said with a big laugh. 

 

Shun laughed with him. It was nice. There was no pressure at all. Matsu expected nothing of Shun; so Shun could just be . 

 

The last minute or so of their journey was spent in silence. His house was one door down and they rounded the corner to Shun’s street. 

 

“SHUN!”

 

Shun looked up just in time to see Aren before he was pulled into a slamming hug. It felt like Aren was trying to squeeze all the air out, almost as if he was trying to merge Shun into him with pure force. The force knocked the tea out of Shun’s hands and it fell to the ground.

 

“I was so worried,” Aren said, his face pressed into the top of Shun’s head. “You went home b-because you were sick so after school I came by and S-Sora said you hadn’t come home. And— I— you weren’t home and I don’t know where you went and I was worried you had collapsed somewhere— I went around— all the routes you would take home— places you would stop. But you weren’t anywhere— you don’t have a phone so we couldn’t call.  I was worried something had happened.” 

 

Face pressed against Aren’s chest, Shun took a deep breath and wrapped his arms around Aren, returning the hug. He smelt like home. Not his house, but home . Safety.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“I’m just glad you’re okay.” 

 

Aren’s grip tightened around Shun for a moment and he took a slow deep breath before Shun felt his body relax. After patting Shun on the back twice he pulled away and smiled down at Shun. It lit a fire in Shun’s chest. Aren’s smile always did. It warmed him up from the inside out.

 

Shun smiled back at Aren before turning around. Matsu was standing there with a small smile, which he was trying to hide with a smirk.

 

“See? Natural human instinct,” Matsu said and raised an eyebrow.

 

Huffing a small laugh, Shun nodded his head. He guessed that Matsu was right. 

 

“The best one,” Shun said walked over to Matsu. 

 

“You’re not such a lonely lost pup any more are you?” Matsu reached out and ruffled Shun’s hair with vigour, “Just a little one.” He laughed and Shun chuckled with him. 

 

Shun pulled off Matsu’s jacket and held it out to him. The cold air cut straight through his uniform jacket down to his skin, and Shun shivered. Matsu took the jacket back with a smile.

 

“Thank you for bringing me home,” Shun said and bowed deeply.

 

“Thank you very much for taking care of Shun and making sure he got home safely,” Aren said. Shun glanced over and Aren was also standing next to Shun bowing.

 

“You’re welcome little pup, and little guard dog you gotta make sure he doesn’t wander over to Koroshi Yagaru Icho again, it’s not a good neighborhood,” Matsu said with a chuckle.

 

“Shun! That’s gang territory!” Aren grabbed Shun’s upper arms and spun him to face Aren, “Don’t ever go there again. Please.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Shun said.

 

“Here,” Matsu said and Shun turned back to him who had picked up the bottle of tea he had dropped.

 

“Thank you, for everything.” Shun took the bottle from Matsu.

 

“It’s human instinct,” Matsu smiled at Shun before taking a few steps back, turned and started walking away, “And if Aiko-san asks I waited until you walked inside.” Matsu waved a hand above his head before he turned the corner and disappeared out of sight.

 

Shun turned to Aren to invite him inside but Aren was staring at the corner where Matsu had just disappeared from. 

 

“We should go say thank you properly sometime,” Aren said and he turned to Shun.

 

Warmth grew in Shun again. Even though Aren didn’t love Shun like Shun loved him, he still loved and looked after Shun. They were sworn best friends and it was just natural instinct. The thought might make Shun sad later, but standing next to Aren who was smiling down at him, it didn’t matter. 

 

Aren beside him was all that mattered.

 

“You must be cold, let’s go inside.” Shun grabbed Aren’s wrist and walked over towards the door.

 

“Uh, your mum's home. It’s probably not the best for me to go in,” Aren sighed and slipped his wrist from Shun’s hands, “I don’t want her to dislike me more, and Sora covered for you saying you had gone to the library.” 

 

“Oh.”

 

“It’s okay, I’ll come by soon, yeah?” Aren gave Shun a reassuring smile. 

 

Shun didn’t want to go in alone, he didn’t want to face his mother alone. It was scary; however, he had finally gotten what he wanted. Aren was there with him before he went inside. Shun stared intensely at Aren, trying to draw as much strength and courage from him.

 

“Shun?” Aren tilted his head to the side and took half a step forwards.

 

“Don’t move, Aren, I’m borrowing your courage.” 

 

Aren laughed.

 

“Here,” Aren stepped forwards and took Shun’s hand in his own, then lifted it up and rested it against his chest, “have as much as you need. Have it all.” 

 

Feeling the rise and fall of Aren’s chest under his hand, Shun’s face heated up and his heart started racing. Despite that, he felt calm. There were too many Aren Related Paradoxes™ but Shun didn’t really mind. 

 

“Thank you,” Shun said finally and took a step back and they headed towards the gate.

 

“I’ll see you soon,” Aren said when Shun opened it.

 

“Of course, I’ve got to return the courage I just borrowed,” Shun said. He wasn’t sure if he would be able to see Aren again soon, but he’d overcome that later. He had bigger things to deal with right now. He wasn’t going to waste the borrowed courage on that.

 

Shun put the key in the door and turned the lock. He turned around and Aren was standing at the gate, Shun would never get bored of looking at Aren. He had a small smile, the street light illuminating him against the darkness behind and casting soft shadows across his face, and pink dusting his cheeks. 

 

Aren raised his hand in a wave and Shun did a small one back, taking one more second to gain some more courage Shun took a deep breath. 

 

He turned around and went inside.

 

***

 

His mother had been unimpressed with his score. Shun hadn’t managed to get back up to the standard he was at. Even though he tried as hard as he could, he just wasn’t good enough. They finished dinner and Shun went to his room to study. His mother had barely spoken to him and didn’t address his class ranking after he initially told her.

 

There was a knock on the door. Shun was sitting under his desk so he scuttled out and onto the chair as the door opened. It was his mother.

 

“Shun. You worked hard,” She held out her hand and in it was his phone, “you may have this back, but your grade wasn’t satisfactory so you will still have extra homework. However, it will only be three quarters of what you have been doing.” 

 

Shun stared at his mother. That wasn’t what he had been expecting, not at all. She was disappointed and disapproving, after spending years with her Shun had become acutely aware of every little thing she said and expression she had— and what that meant. What it means for her, and for him .

 

“Take it.” His mother pushed the phone towards Shun and he hesitantly took it.

 

“T-thank you,” Shun said looking down at his phone.

 

“You will restart your study tomorrow. Don’t disappoint me again,” She said, giving Shun a pointed look before she left the room.

 

For a long time Shun stared down at his phone. This was his connection back to the outside world. Three quarters of the work he had been doing was still an insane amount. It would still mean he would get no breaks, little sleep, and would never really get to see his friends. 

 

He had his phone though. That could keep him connected. He needed to stay connected, it was human nature— instinct— to stay connected and create bonds. Shun understood this now. 

 

Gripping the phone tightly in his hand, Shun headed over to the power socket and plugged in the phone to charge. It was completely drained so after around thirty seconds the screen lit up with an image indicating it was charging.

 

“Shun.”

 

Sora’s voice came from the other side of the door so Shun went and opened it. She was standing there with a small smile on her face. She walked straight past Shun into his room.

 

“Well done, I’m proud of you,” She said, turning back to him. 

 

“Sora, you shouldn’t be prou—” Shun said, but Sora cut him off.

 

“Of course I should be, you idiot. You worked so hard,” Sora said and pulled Shun into a tight hug. 

 

Despite his chest clenching with emotions threatening to overflow, Shun wrapped his arms around Sora’s back and rested his head against her’s. She was already getting tall, she was too tall for him to rest his head on top of hers. 

 

When had she gotten this big?

 

When had she gotten this mature?

 

“Thank you.” Shun pressed a quick kiss into her hair before pulling back.

 

“EW! Gross, I don’t want Shun germs. Go share them with Kuboyasu-kun,” Sora said, grinning and making big exaggerated motions of wiping her head.

 

“Eh?”

 

“Eh?”

 

“Aren?”

 

“Nothing.”

 

“Sora! What do you mean?” She stepped away from Shun as he tried to grab her.

 

“I’m glad you got your phone back.” Sora winked at Shun.

 

“Eh?” 

 

“I know the tests must have been hard, but I didn’t realise you’d lost ninety percent of your vocabulary.” Sora laughed. 

 

“I didn’t!” Shun frowned at her before smiling.

 

“Sleep well.” Sora smiled before she walked out of the room.

 

Shun managed to mumble a good night before his door shut.

 

Had Sora somehow convinced his mother to give him his phone back?

 

Did Sora know he like liked Aren?

 

When did Sora become this cheeky ?

 

What else had he missed while he was stuck in this spiralling self preserving selfish loop?

 

Searching for a way to stop his eventual spiraling, Shun reached for his phone. It was indicating it had twenty percent battery so he turned it on. 

 

The phone took a little while to turn on and fully load as it had been turned off for a while. Once it was on there was a number of buzzes in quick succession, and a notification at the top of the screen that he had received some messages from Aren. Shun paused a moment, wondering what they might be and when they might be from, but tapped anyway. 

 

The screen showed their last messages, from when his mother took his phone. He reread them.

A: Did I do something?

A: Make you at me mad?

A: you can tell me

A: We’re best friends

A: Just

A: idk

A: let me know you’re okay

A: or if you’re not

A: or if you want me to leave you alone

A: or like never talk to you ever again

A: I would probably die but like if you wanted that

A: I’d do it

A: but like you know just 

A: idk don’t hate me?

A: Or do if that’s what it is

A: but like just let me know you’re alive

A: I miss you

S: Hey

S: of course I don’t hate you, you’re my best friend

S : My stomach has been p bad recently

S: and have more of a tight schedule atm

S: can’t wait around

S: probs can’t text anymore either

 

Shun felt incredibly guilty rereading his messages. He had been awful to Aren. He had ignored him, avoided him, and lied to him. Aren was such an amazing person and Shun treated him terribly. 

 

Ignoring the guilt yelling monster tucked in his mind Shun scrolled down further.

 

A: What do you mean?

A: Shun?

A: Are you sure you’re not angry?

A: I hope you feel better

A: look after yourself

 

Shun should have told Aren. Just said “ I’m a failure and a disappointment so I can’t use my phone any more. I really just want you to know that I would never hate you. I love you, and not in a best friend way, in a way that you don’t love me.” But of course he didn’t say that, and he wouldn’t.

 

There were more messages afterwards. 

 

A: Hey I know your mum has you phone but

A: Ur working yourself too hard

A: You’re my best friend and I don’t want anything to happen to you

 

A: I had the dumbest dream just now and I know it's the middle of the night but you’re my best friend and there is no one else I want to tell

A: And I know you don’t have your phone but I wanna tell you anyway

A: So we were mermen right? except you still couldn’t swim and so I had to carry you on my back all the time and then they made a statue of us because suddenly were were kings of the place but then Nendo came and they ripped down our statue because his face was funnier and it became a place where couples went to pray so that when their children were born they didn’t look like Nendo.

A: Lmaoooo

 

A: This arvo you missed Hairo accidently punching Nendo in the face and then almost breaking his wrist because Nendo’s head is basically just one solid rock

A: And then Hairo was making heart eyes at him the rest of afternoon

A: I don’t know which of them I feel sorry for more lol

 

A: Hey Shun?

A: Are you okay?

A: It’s like you’re there but

A: You’re not

A: I miss my best friend

A: Come back to me yeah?

 

A: I hope you sleep well

A: You need it

 

A: Even The Jet Black Wings™ needs rest

A: So please sleep

A: You’re not allowed to collapse and go to hospital

A: They don’t let best friends visit whenever they want

 

A: Did you understand the homework today?

A: I didn’t

A: Maye Saiki will let me copy his

A: If you were here you could teach me

 

A: I can’t tell if you’ve been punched under both eyes

A: or

A: Just haven’t slept in 20 years

A: please sleep

 

A: I miss you

 

A: FUCKING HELL SHUN

A: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING

A: YOU CAN’T JUST NOT EAT

A: THAT’S NOT OKAY

A: YOU COULD GET SO SICK

A: WHY????

A: WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS

A: WHY WOULDN’T YOU TELL ME

A: DON’T YOU TRUST ME???????

A: WHY

A: Shun please

A: You’re so important to me

A: I love you you’re my best friend

A: as my best friend you’re legally not allowed to hurt me

A: It’s the rules

A: I don't make them

A: So you have to love me back the same

A: and in doing so you will be required to eat and stay alive

A: because I will definitely die without my best friend by my side

A: So stay exactly the way you are

A: Right by my side

A: Please

 

Each message group was separated by a few days or a week or so. 

 

Shun read and reread the messages. Every time Aren called Shun his best friend the pain grew and grew in his chest. His heart hurt. He had cried and cried all afternoon but new tears were welling in his eyes. When Aren said he loved Shun it made him want to scream. He wanted it to be the same way that he loved Aren, but it wasn’t. Shun wanted to pretend it was but the thought just hurt more. He wanted to hit something and yell because he was hurting his best friend. The one he had fallen in love with. He wanted to scream and cry because he was hurting himself just as much every time he thought of Aren. 

 

When he was alone Shun’s mind would wander to Aren and lock in on a moment in time when Aren was looking at Shun like there was nothing else in the world— when Aren’s blinding smile was directed at Shun and Shun only. 

 

It would lock on and would say things like “ if he was your boyfriend you could always be with him” or “ if you were to date you could see this every morning” and then the ugly version of him would scream at him. Tell him he was awful for thinking things like that, he should be guilty for thinking like that and breaking Aren’s trust, that Aren would be disgusted that his best friend was thinking things like this about him. Every time that would spread the pain further and further into his heart.

 

These messages from Aren did the exact same thing.  

 

Tears welled in Shun’s eyes but they didn’t fall. He tried to cry, he just wanted to let go. It didn’t work. All of his emotions, all at once, were trying to escape. They were pressing against every part of Shun, trying to leave his chest but they were getting stuck in his throat and lungs and he couldn’t breathe.

 

Shun felt like he was suffocating with no escape. 

 

The ugly, spiteful, selfish version of himself locked deep within him had a suggestion of how to escape them, just for a little while.

 

That night, Shun slept a deep dreamless sleep with a few extra gashes on his wrists.

 

***

 

It was the twenty third of December, the first day of the winter holidays and Shun was stuck studying. Which wasn’t a surprise after he wasn’t able to bring his grades back up but his mind kept wandering to his friends. What were they doing now? Were they thinking about him? Did they miss him as much as he missed them? Was Aren with them? Was Aren thinking of him, too? When would he see Aren next?

 

Shun tried not to think about it. Thinking hurt. It hurt his brain, but it also hurt his heart. He hadn’t eaten breakfast that morning, he didn’t want to. His body demanded Aren’s onigiri, but that wasn’t possible. So he just didn’t eat.

 

He was on his third cup of tea, however. He knew to keep fluids up, if nothing else.

 

The clock on the wall ticked quietly and Shun just watched as the seconds hand slowly traveled around the entire clock. Then he watched it again, and again. He lost track of how many times it went around. Watching it, he was almost able to tune out all the thoughts in his head, almost . 

 

Every so often his mind would supply him with one word.

 

Aren.

 

Shun would just tell it to shut up and focus harder on the clock. He was sure if he had to count a minute out he would be able to count it perfectly.

 

The sound of the doorbell broke Shun out of his concentration and he sighed as all the thoughts he’d managed to keep at bay flooded his brain again. 

 

Pressing the palms of his hands to his face, Shun rubbed his eyes and cheeks. He was sick of it. Sick of all of it. Angry and frustrated. Fed up with everything.  With the world. With himself. 

 

Resting his elbows on the desk he squished his face in his hands, taking a deep breath trying to calm himself. He needed to get himself under control. He just needed to calm down and breathe. His mother was going out shopping soon and he could relax a little. He would go down and get a snack and take a breather. Toki wasn’t home so it would just be him and Sora, she would never tell on him for taking a break and getting a snack.

 

“SHUUUUUUUUUN.” Sora’s voice traveled up through the house and into his room.

 

He considered ignoring her, but Sora was scary. So he stood up instead.

 

“OOOIIIIIII.” She followed up her first call when Shun didn’t reply

 

“COMIIINNNGGG.” Shun matched her volume as he opened his door.

 

When he reached the top of the stairs he looked down into the entrance way. Standing in the entrance was Aren, Sora, and his mother. 

 

Aren was wearing a pair of black jeans, had a parker on and a backpack slung one arm. His hair was a little messier than usual, most likely windswept and it looked amazing, but Shun would never admit it to anyone. He had a slight dusting of pink on his cheeks from the cold outside. Shun rarely, if ever, got a chance to look at Aren from this angle. He was much shorter than Aren, almost fifteen centimeters, so he was always looking up. Aren was just as handsome and cool and beautiful and incredible from this angle as any other one.

 

No one was speaking and It looked uncomfortable for every party.

 

“Aren?” Shun started down the stairs as Aren turned to him.

 

“I came to study,” Aren said, flashing Shun a grin. One of the many that have made Shun melt inside his body.

 

“What?” He said at the same time his mother spoke.

 

“Shun doesn't study with other people. He doesn't need anything else bringing him down.” She crossed her arms with a frown.

 

“Ah— yes— but, uh— studies show that there are many benefits to studying with other people. For example; It gives you a chance to understand the concepts by openly discussing it with someone else, it gives you external motivation and can hold you accountable, it increases information retention, gives you different perspectives you wouldn't have otherwise, it builds important team workplace skills, and it makes it easier to memorise information by discussing it,” Aren said.

 

Shun didn’t know how to react. 

 

His mother shifted her weight from one foot to the other but didn’t say anything. 

 

“Oh uh, here,” Aren shuffled his bag around to the front and pulled out a bunch of papers, “these are some studies conducted where the participants who studied with other students actually got significantly higher grades than those who did not. The Aikwawa and Brown paper has an interesting insight into the reasons why they got the results they did.” Aren held the papers out to his mother.

 

Reluctantly his mother took the papers from Aren and flicked through them briefly. 

 

“Even if Shun were to study with someone, he would not be teaching anyone. I’m sorry,” She said and folded her arms again. 

 

“Ah yes, I’m not as smart as Shun, I know that, but I do try my best. I was ranked thirty sixth in the last tests, which is of course nowhere near as good as Shun but I’d never try to bring his grade down, and if I caused any trouble, I will stop immediately,” Aren heasitated and glanced at Shun, he had only been looking at his mother up until then, “So please let me try and help Shun,” Aren said and bowed deeply. 

 

All Shun could do was watch, his brain wasn’t comprehending anything that was happening. Why was Aren here? What was he talking about studying together? Where did he get all those facts? Where did he get those studies? Why did he have them? Why was he lying about his grades? 

 

Why ?

 

“Hmmm, okay. A trial only. If I find any of Shun’s work unsatisfactory, that's it.” His mother stepped aside to let Aren come up into the house. 

 

“Yes, ma’am.” Aren slipped off his shoes and stepped up into the house and shot a big grin at Shun. Shun stood wide eyes staring at Aren.

 

“You may study in the living room, I gave you pages twenty seven to thirty four, you must do twenty seven to thirty. Then we will reassess.” His mother walked into the living area.

 

Aren followed his mother through. Shun looked at Sora to see if she understood what was happening, or was just as confused as he was. However, she was grinning at him and gave him a thumbs up. Shun cocked his head in a question but Sora just put her hands on his back and pushed him towards the kitchen and living room.

 

“Shun, go get your study stationary,” His mother said as he entered the room, so he nodded and headed back up to his room.

 

When he arrived he took a deep breath and tried to reassess what was happening.

 

Aren had come to study. But Aren hates studying. Aren had researched facts about studying. But Aren hates researching. Aren said his grade was thirty six. But in the last test he was 159th. His mother doesn’t like distractions. But she let Aren study with him. She doesn’t like Aren. But she let him in. 

 

Shun shook his head, none of it made sense. After rubbing his face again, Shun grabbed his text books, work books, and stationary then headed back down stairs.

 

“I want to come shopping with you,” Sora said to his mother when he entered the living room.

 

“Okay.” His mother looked surprised but quickly agreed. Shun didn’t know why Sora would want to go shopping with his mother, she hates shopping. 

 

Why were people doing things they didn’t like? Things that were completely out of character.

 

Sora and his mother got ready to leave for shopping and Aren and Shun started setting up to study at the Kotatsu table in the lounge room.

 

“We’ll be gone for about two hours. I expect an appropriate amount of work to be completed when we get back,” His mother said as she grabbed her bag and headed to the front door.

 

Sora and Shun followed her to the door. His mother stepped out the front door and Shun grabbed Sora’s arm and she stopped and turned back to him.

 

“Sora?” Shun frowned at her, he couldn’t understand what she was doing.

 

“Have fun,” She said and winked at him. Then slipped her arm out of Shun’s grip and left.

 

Silence fell over the house and Shun stared at the front door. He was home alone with Aren. The thought made his heart beat a little faster. It wasn’t like they’d never been home alone together before or anything like that. That didn’t matter to his little heart though. Everytime it would do the same thing. Ignoring it, he headed back into the living room.

 

“Hey,” Aren said when Shun re-entered the room, he was setting out his own work books and stationary.

 

“Hey,” Shun smiled at Aren who beamed back at him.

 

“I brought Onigiri, you said mine are the best of the best, so I thought you might like some.” Aren pulled out four balls of rice from his bag and held them up for Shun to see. Warmth spread through Shun’s chest at the thought of Aren bringing them for him. 

 

Shun shook his head trying to clear it. It wasn’t the time for that sappy I’m so in love with Aren bullshit his heart was always on. There were more important things to address. 

 

“Aren, what are you doing?”

 

“Setting up to study?” Aren stilled halfway through pulling a book out of his bag.

 

“No, what are you doing here?” Shun shook his head.

 

“Coming to study with you?” Aren hesitated, but pulled the book fully out of his bag. He looked unsure. It was something that Shun rarely saw, Aren was always so sure of himself. 

 

“No— you— She’ll find out you're lying eventually,” Shun walked over and crouched next to Aren.

 

“Lying about what? I’m not lying.” Aren turned his full attention to Shun and Shun got lost in Aren’s face for a moment. He would never get bored of looking at Aren.

 

“Your grades.” Shun sighed. 

 

“I’m not lying,” Aren said and frowned at Shun. Aren doesn’t often frown at Shun, not like this. So Shun had to look away for a moment. 

 

“Aren, you were 159th last semester, you—” Shun spoke but Aren cut him off.

 

“— Here, see?” Aren rummaged through his bag and held out a piece of paper, it was his report card, “thirty sixth.” Aren pointed at the two bold numbers next to his name. 

 

“What?” Shun stared in shock at Aren’s report card. Aren didn’t study. Had he faked the report?

 

“You mum is really strict and third year is going to be even harder— She’s going to make you study a heap— and then we won’t be able to hang out— so I thought maybe i-if I got good grades we could study together, because even if we’re just studying it’s still hanging out and if that’s all I can get, then that’s enough,” Aren said while fiddling with one of his pencils on the desk, he looked embarrassed . 

 

“So you got good grades so you could hang out with me?” Shun felt those damn butterflies having a party in his tummy again.

 

“Uh— yeah, I-I did.” Aren didn’t meet his eye.

 

“How?”

 

“Studying?” Aren huffed out a small laugh, “What did you think I was doing everyday after school?”

 

“Hanging out with your girlfriend.”

 

“Studying in the libra— what?” Aren stopped mid sentence staring at Shun in shock.

 

“What?” Shun was confused now.

 

“What?”

“What?”

 

“What?”

 

“What?”

 

“What?”

 

“What?” 

 

“Wha— one of us has to stop saying what!” Aren said.

 

“Ah, yeah.” Shun looked away scratching his shoulder.

 

“Shun, I don’t have a girlfriend?” Aren said hesitantly, his voice was soft and calm.

 

“But, you never said anything and you didn’t walk me home so I thought you got a secret girlfriend?” Shun looked down at the floor.

 

“That is a bizarre leap, I don’t have a secret girlfriend.”

 

“But— I— why?” Shun was smart, but his brain just couldn’t sometimes. 

 

“What do you mean why? Why don’t I have a secret girlfriend? Because I don’t want one,” Aren said.

 

“Why?”

 

“I don’t know, because I don’t? They seem like a lot of work.” Aren looked away then continued, “I’d much prefer to just hang out with you.” Aren wasn’t looking at Shun but he could see the pink spread across Aren’s face.

 

Shun wasn’t sure his heart could take much more of this. Aren didn’t have a secret girlfriend. He didn’t want a girlfriend. He wanted to hang out with Shun. He studied hard enough to get great grades just so he could spend time with Shun. 

 

“Why?” Shun didn’t understand.

 

“Just because? Do I need a reason to want to be with my best friend?” Aren turned back to Shun, his eyes were piercing and bore into Shun’s. The pink on Aren’s cheeks had grown darker, but he looked serious and sure of himself.

 

It wasn’t fair. 

 

It wasn’t fair to Aren and it wasn’t fair to Shun. 

 

It wasn’t fair that everytime Aren said best friend his heart would constrict painfully. He shouldn’t feel upset or disappointed. It was unfair that he had to feel physical pain every time. It wasn’t fair that Shun thought these things about Aren. It wasn’t fair that it felt like all the air had been pushed out of his lungs and something was wrapped so tightly around Shun’s chest that it stopped him from breathing in. 

 

It wasn’t fair that tears were forming in his eyes.

 

“I-I’m going to get a drink,” Shun said and stood up. He needed to not be this close to Aren, to stop feeling these things.

 

“Shun? Just wait.” Shun made it two steps before Aren spoke up, Shun didn’t wait.

 

There was a rustling behind Shun and Aren’s hand wrapped around his small wrist in a tight grip. Shun could feel the sting of the pressure Aren’s fingers were putting on his fresh cuts. It wasn’t unbearable, just uncomfortable. The most unbearable thing was being right next to Aren.

 

Unable to stand it Shun tried to rip his arm out of Aren’s hand. Aren; however, was much stronger than Shun and was able to hold on. This only resulted in Aren’s hand and the bandages on Shun’s arm to rub, twist, and scrape the cuts on Shun’s wrist. It wasn’t the same kind of pain he got when he cut himself, that was only when he needed it. Only when he needed it to deal with the world. It was controlled and deliberate. 

 

This was rough and merciless. It hurt just for the sake of hurting. It didn’t stop the hurting it only made it worse.

 

Shun let out a yelp and tried to pull his arm again, only to have Aren grip him harder and aggravate his wounds more. Shun’s eyes prickled as the pain shot up his arm and he gasped and let out a soft whine.

 

“Aren you’re hurting me,” Shun said and pulled with all his strength again.

 

Aren immediately let Shun go and he stumbled forwards with the leftover motion. Shun ended up crashing into the couch, and he quickly climbed on before turning back to Aren. Shun put his feet up on the sofa, he put his arm, which was now shaking a little, between his chest and his knees and slouched down. Shun made himself as small as possible, that was his only protection against the outside world. 

 

He couldn’t bring himself to look at Aren.

 

“Shun.” Aren’s voice was soft and hesitant.

 

There were only a few times, if any, that Shun had heard Aren’s voice like that, so Shun unconsciously looked up.

 

Standing about a meter away, Aren was looking down at Shun’s arms tucked close in between his legs and chest. He had tears welling up in his eyes and his mouth was partially open with his lip quivering ever so slightly. 

 

He looked up from Shun’s arm to meet his eye. Shun had never seen Aren this upset, he’d never seen that much pain in Aren’s eyes. Guilt radiated through Shun’s chest, leaving burning hot and freezing cold agony behind it. 

 

Shame and guilt. 

 

Aren had the same look on his face that Sora did when he had come home from hospital after he had tried to commit suicide.  

 

A lump rose in his throat and Shun’s vision blurred slightly, tears forming.

 

“Shun,” Aren said and took a step forward.

 

Unable to get any words out, Shun just shook his head. He didn’t cut for attention, he did it to stop the world from being unbearable— so that he didn’t do something worse. He didn’t want any attention, especially to what he’d done. The shame he felt always threatened to drown him, the guilt was weights tied to his legs pulling him down further. 

 

He couldn’t face Aren.

 

Without saying anything else, Aren took the few steps over to the couch and knelt down on the ground in front of Shun. Hand shaking a little, Aren placed one on the top of Shun’s foot then looked up and met Shun’s eyes.

 

All Shun could do was stare. Aren was beautiful , Shun loved everything about his face— just everything about him. Aren’s eyes shimmered behind his glasses and when he blinked the tears that had collected there rolled down his cheeks. They left two small trails that glistened under the living room light.

 

In one swift motion Aren grabbed his glasses and put them on the small coffee table next to the couch, then used the back of his hand to wipe his face. He then turned his attention back to Shun. He put both hands on the outside of Shun’s calves and looked back at Shun.

 

“Please?” Without his glasses, Aren’s eyes were piercing. Shun didn't see Aren without his glasses very much. Almost never. Shun loved Aren’s eyes, they held so much emotion, and they always told Shun that Aren was with him and paying attention to him. 

 

More tears had already replaced the previous ones in Aren’s eyes. Shun hated himself for doing this to Aren. For causing Aren this much pain and distress.

 

With no protest from Shun, Aren guided his legs down off the couch until his feet were resting on Aren’s thighs. He then reached out with a shaky hand and took Shun’s in his own, pulling it closer to him. Before doing anything else Aren looked up at Shun for consent.

 

He didn’t want Aren to see him like this, all his shame and guilt. Shun wanted to look away. Shun wanted to say no. He couldn’t do either of those things, and he nodded ever so slightly.

 

Aren’s adams apple bobbed once as he swallowed then nodded. With a gentleness Shun had never seen before, Aren started unwinding the red bandages around Shun’s wrist. 

 

Gradually the white medical bandages started to be revealed. As it got further down his arm the bandages were tinted red in places where the wounds had been reopened and blood had soaked through. 

 

Seeing the first bit of blood on the bandages, Aren sucked in a shaky breath. It sounded like the beginning of a sob, but if it had been, he had stifled it before it became one. Aren’s hands paused and shook. Slowly he started unwrapping again, until all the red bandage was unwound.

 

 Aren hesitated, taking deep breaths. Shun watched Aren; the sharp line of his nose, the occasional twitch of his eyebrows, the tremor in his lips, the darting of his eyes as they ran along Shun’s arm. Sniffling, Aren unpealed the medical tape and unwound the bandage. 

 

Once all the bandages were off Shun’s arm the tears that had stayed in Aren’s eyes overflowed and rolled down his cheeks. One got caught in the corner of his mouth, which was open drawing in short shaky breaths. 

 

After a moment of just staring at Shun’s arm, Aren brought the bunched up bandage to Shun’s wrist and dabbed it against the blood there, both hands— the one holding Shun’s hand and the one with the bandage—  were shaking.

 

With most of the fresh blood cleared off his arm, what was left was dried up blood, old scars, healed scars, and scabs over new ones. 

 

Shun tried, but found no words to say. 

 

Then Aren looked up from his arm to Shun. He blinked and tears fell from his eyes, followed by more. Shun opened his mouth but no words came out. 

 

Aren leant his head down and rested his forehead in the palm of Shun’s upturned hand, before he let out a sob. Once they started they didn’t let up. Shun could feel every shaky breath and gasp of air that shook Aren’s body. Aren’s thighs trembled under his feet and his head jerked in Shun’s hand with each breath.

 

The guilt was almost unbearable. He was the reason that Aren was suffering this much. What was worse was the evil spiteful rotten version of himself locked deep in his brain was smiling because; if Aren was this upset it meant that Shun meant a lot to Aren. That just made Shun feel guiltier and more awful.

 

Lowering his hand, Shun guided Aren’s head onto his lap. Aren didn’t protest but he didn’t stop the sobs or let go of Shun’s hand. Bringing his other hand up, Aren bunched it in Shun’s tracksuit pants on the outside of his thigh. 

 

After a moment, Shun raised his hand and put it on the back of Aren’s head. The hair there was just as soft as he remembered. Taking a deep breath to squish down all the awful feelings threatening to spill over, Shun slowly moved his hand through Aren’s hair. 

 

This only made Aren’s sobs stronger. 

 

They stayed like that for a long time. Aren’s head in Shun’s lap, Shun’s hand wrapped in Aren’s big one, Aren’s hand clenching Shun’s pants, and Shun’s hand softly running through Aren’s hair.

 

Slowly Aren’s breathing quieted and returned to normal. Aren didn’t let go of his hand and Shun didn’t stop stroking Aren’s head. 

 

Eventually Aren lifted up his head and locked eyes with Shun. Aren’s eyes were puffy and red from crying, his mouth was pulled down and he just had sadness in his eyes. Letting go of Shun’s pants, Aren used the back of his forearm to wipe any remaining tears and bits of snot off his face.

 

Shun opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out, nothing seemed good enough to say.

 

Sitting up slightly, Aren leant in towards Shun and rested his cheek on Shun’s tummy then wrapped both arms tightly around him. Following Aren’s head with his hand, Shun kept stroking Aren’s hair when it settled against him. He lay the other arm on Aren’s back.

 

“I’m sorry.” Aren’s voice was muffled by Shun’s stomach. 

 

“No, I am.” Shun sighed. Aren didn’t have anything to apologise for. It was Shun making him feel like this. It was all Shun’s fault.

 

“Shun, never apologise. I’m always here. I always will be.”

 

“Even when I’m like this?” 

 

“Of course. Always.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“I promise I will always be here. You’re not alone.”

 

For the first time in a very long time Shun believed it.

Notes:

I hope you enjoyed it!!
I'm sorry I've kept dragging this fic out and never finishing it! I promise I'll stop adding extra things and never ending it so you can actually get closure and all that lol. there will probably be one more chapter and maybe I'll post a seperate epilogue or just at the end of the next chapter.

Any way thank you for reading!!
Kudos, comments, and validation from strangers fuels my soul lmao

Chapter 8

Notes:

TW: literally just like everything up until now. But like H E A V Y emotional manipulantion

GUESS WHO'S BEEN BACK ON THEIR BULLSHIT AGAIN! You guessed it it's ✨me✨
Guess who wrote 20k as a final chapter and still plans to write an epilogue? Yep it's still me.
Guess who doesn't believe in the saying 'kill your babies' when writing? Me again. (You'll have to just pretend to enjoy this never ending story rip)

BUT ALSO! very unrelated but I passed my JLPT N1 exam which I thought I had failed which was part of the reason why I couldn't bring myself to write. So like that's p hype right? lol

pls forgive me for taking so gd long to get this chapter up. I hope you enjoy!!

“Aren! Happy New Year,” Shun said as he opened the door.

 

“Oo, Shun, Happy New Year.” Aren grinned at Shun. 

 

His mother had permitted Shun to have New Years day off from study and he arranged to go to Hatsumode with Aren, Saiki, and Nendo. It had been so long since he was able to hang out with his friends, Shun was ecstatic. Aren had then suggested after they finished at the temple, the two of them visit Matsu and say thank you for making sure Shun got home safely. 

 

Shun would have agreed to anything if it meant that he would get to spend the day with Aren with no school and no study. He’d been buzzing with excitement all morning. It was only nine and he’d woken up at eight but that one hour felt far too long. He felt like a middle school girl going on their first date. Which of course it wasn’t, at all. However, it still made Shun insanely happy.

 

“Kuboyasu-kun! Happy New Year, please continue looking after our dumb Shun this year,” Sora said stepping up next to Shun and bowing to Aren.

 

“Sora!” Shun gave her a small shove with his shoulder feeling a little embarrassed.

 

“Happy New Year, Sora,” Aren said and gave her a small box, “This is for you and the family.” Aren held out a box about the size of seven iPhones stacked on top of each other which was wrapped neatly in a stunning furoshiki and Sora took it.

 

“Thank you,” She said and disappeared back into the house.

 

Aren turned his attention back to Shun, who was looking for an explanation. 

 

“Every year I make Kurikinton and Kuromame for New Years Day, and I made a lot so we could take some to Matsu-san and some for you guys, too,” Aren said and scratched the back of his neck in what anyone else would assume was embarrassment, but Shun wasn’t anyone else. He knew Aren, watched him— and like yeah probably in a creepy way but Shun chose to ignore that— he knew that was Aren’s tell indicating he thought he was being particularly vulnerable. Sharing something about himself he didn’t usually share.

 

“Wow Aren, that’s amazing! I don’t like sweet things but I always like a little bit of both at New Years,” Shun grinned at Aren, “You’re so talented.” 

 

“Ah, maybe, not really, I just like cooking,” Aren said and tapped his finger on his pinkening cheek. That was Aren’s tell that he was embarrassed and it made Shun constantly aware of how alive Aren always looked. 

 

“Thank you for making some for Matsu, too, I was planning to buy something as we were walking there,” Shun stepped down and pulled on his shoes. 

 

“Well, now you don’t have to.”  

 

It made Shun warm and fuzzy inside that Aren would think about doing that for Shun. 

 

“Ready to go?” Shun wrapped his favorite scarf around his neck and turned to Aren.

 

“Yep,” Aren said.

 

“Aren! You don’t have a scarf,” Shun said and pointed and Aren’s exposed neck and collarbones. 

 

“Oh, yeah, I must have forgotten.” Aren shrugged. 

 

To Shun though, it was unacceptable. It was about one degree celsius outside, which was far too cold to be outside in for long periods of time without something to cover your neck. Even if Aren was hardly ever cold, it was still unacceptable. 

 

“Here.” Shun used his heels to kick off his shoes and stepped back up into the house, motioning for Aren to come closer which Aren did immediately. Shun unwrapped his scarf and hooked it around Aren’s neck, before wrapping it around again to secure it. 

 

Once Shun was satisfied with how the scarf was wrapped around Aren he leant back and looked up to meet his eye. They were at eye level and their faces were about thirty centimeters apart. Aren’s cheeks were tinted a darker pink than before and Shun felt his own face heat up.

 

“I kinda like looking at your face from this angle,” Aren said, leaning forward a fraction and tilting his head. Shun watched Aren’s eyes as they flicked around his face. 

 

Shun had a silly habit of licking his lips— well briefly wetting them, with his tongue— when he was nervous because when he gets nervous his mouth and lips suddenly feel like he’d shoved a handful of the finest dirt from the Australian outback into his mouth. Which wasn’t a terrible thing, most of the time. However this time it was a mistake, because he did it as he let his eyes fall away from Aren’s, only to land on his mouth.

 

Heat exploded over Shun’s whole face and neck. 

 

He just licked his lips looking at Aren’s .

 

Mortified at what he had done, Shun prayed to whatever divine being there was that he hadn’t been caught. Tearing his eyes from Aren’s lips he sought out Aren’s eyes. They were locked on Shun’s mouth.

 

“Ah— I— Um— it wasn’t— I-I-I’m going to get a s-scarf,” Shun said, stumbling over his words, horrified he’d gotten caught. 

 

He turned on his heel and scrambled up the stairs before Aren could say anything.

 

Shun hadn’t been this embarrassed in a long time . He felt almost humiliated having been caught doing that. It wasn’t even like Shun hadn’t thought about kissing Aren, because he has. Many times. Too many. However, it wasn’t the case this time.

 

Shutting the door to his room he slid down to a crouch with his back against it. Shun rested his head in his hands, willing his heart to take a chill pill and stop trying to burst out of his chest. The Dark Reunion™ was probably trying to weaken him again, force him to let his guard down. He wouldn’t let them get away with it.

 

Once Shun was able to breathe properly again he headed to his closet and searched for a different scarf. The one he gave to Aren was his favourite but, and he would never admit it to anyone, seeing Aren wear it made his heart sing. Shun rummaged through the draws and was able to find one he had from middle school. It was a deep purple, so dark that without direct light it looked black.

 

After wrapping it around his neck Shun headed back down stairs. Aren was standing exactly where Shun had left him, he had his head tilted down with his face buried up to his cheeks in Shun’s scarf. He had his eyes closed and only opened them once Shun had come all the way down the stairs.

 

“It smells like you,” Aren said.

 

“Oh, uh, sorry, we can swap?” Shun hesitated.

 

“No, I want this one,” Aren said, moving out of the way.

 

Shun didn’t know how to respond to that so he nodded. His heart couldn’t take much more of this. He slipped his shoes on and turned to Aren, finally feeling like he could face his best friend.

 

“Ready?”

 

Aren nodded.

 

The walk to the temple was about ten minutes and the streets were full of chattering families, friends, and couples. The air was crisp around them and Shun was glad he had put an extra thermal layer underneath his shirt. Part way through the walk Aren slung his arm over Shun’s shoulder and pulled him in close.

 

Their local temple was very busy, everyone attending Hatsumode in the morning so they could spend the afternoon eating New Years Osechi Ryori with their families or going out shopping to get good deals during New Years Day sales.

 

“Oo, Chibi, Tenkosei!”

 

Shun jumped in surprise and spun around at Nendo’s voice. Next to Nendo was Saiki, Toritsuka, Hairo, Yumehara, and Teruhashi. Shun hadn’t expected everyone else to be there, he had been excited to hang out with Saiki— and well, also Nendo but he wouldn’t admit it to anyone— however, with both Teruhashi and Toritsuka there he wouldn’t get much time with Saiki. They monopolise him too much.

 

“Oh, hi everyone, Happy New Year.” Shun gave them a little wave and everyone exchanged greetings. 

 

“Chihuahua-kun, let’s hope this year is also full of sickly sweet flirting, but,” Toritsuka paused and looked Shun and Aren up and down, “I don’t think you have to worry about that.” He finished his comment with a laugh.

 

“Oi!” Aren let go of Shun and stomped over to Toritsuka, Shun; however, was frozen in place, his face suddenly burning. Maybe he should take his scarf off because it was getting hot. 

 

Had he been so obvious about his crush on Aren?

 

Shun didn’t ever deliberately flirt with Aren. Maybe he was unconsciously?

 

Had Aren realised?   

 

“Apologise to Shun,” Aren reached Toritsuka and grabbed the front of his shirt pulling him close to Aren, “Shun is not a chihuahua.” 

 

There were some soft and loud “ Eh?” s coming from their small group. 

 

“That’s what you’re correcting me on?” Toritsuka tried to step back from Aren but was very unsuccessful, as Aren instead drew him closer.

 

“Come on Kaido,” Saiki said, walking past Shun.

 

“Ah,” Shun took a glance back at Aren and Toritsuka squabbling before turning to Saiki, “ ‘Kay,” he said and followed Saiki, the rest of the group— bar the two now in a shouting match— followed as well.

 

They weaved through the crowds and passed the small street food stands, with many delicious smells wafting around. Shun saw a Takoyaki stand and hoped they could get some before they left. Shun enjoyed walking next to Saiki, even if he didn’t really engage much. He was still there, giving Shun strength and comfort. 

 

They ended up standing on the steps waiting to pray at the shrine. Teruhashi and Yumehara went up first, then Nendo and Hairo.

 

“Shun, here you guys are,” Aren said, jogging up behind them. Toritsuka walked slowly up to them too, rubbing his head gingerly.

 

“Sorry we left,” Shun said smiling.

 

“No worries.”

 

“Toritsuka,” Saiki said and walked up the steps. 

 

Toritsuka followed Saiki as if he was a golden retriever and Saiki had some delicious treats. Shun wondered why he was the dog and not Toritsuka.

 

“Do you know what you’re going to pray for?” Aren smiled.

 

Shun nodded.

 

“What is it?”

 

“If I tell you, it won’t come true.”

 

“I don’t think it works like that.

 

“What about you?”

 

“If it does work like that, I can’t tell you otherwise it won’t come true,” Aren said with a laugh and Shun joined in.

 

Once Saiki and Toritsuka were finished, Aren and Shun walked up to the shrine. They threw their coins in, rang the bell, bowed twice, then clapped twice leaving their hands together at the end.

 

Shun shut his eyes in concentration.

 

‘I don’t know if you exist, but if you do, like usual I am going to be selfish and ask for two things. I know that it’s bad but they are two things I desperately want— need. 

 

The first is to get good grades. Good enough that even my mother would be satisfied with them, good enough that I stop being a failure and a disappointment. I don’t want to be a bad son anymore, so please give me the strength to do well. I’m not sure how much more I can do on my own. 

 

The second is more selfish, but please keep Aren by my side this year. Please don’t take him away, I don’t know what I’d do without him. I don’t care if he only ever stays my best friend, I can deal with that, I don’t think I could deal with not having him here. If I somehow expose my true feelings for him please make sure he doesn’t hate me, that he’s not disgusted. 

 

I— just please don’t take my best friend from me.’

 

Shun opened his eyes and bowed once more.

 

When he turned around Aren was nowhere to be seen. Shun had literally just prayed to the gods to not take Aren away and he was already gone, it was a terrible omen. 

 

Shun could see the tall and distinct hair of Nendo so he headed there.

 

“Where’s Aren?” Shun asked when he arrived.

 

“I thought he was with you?” Yumehara tilted her head.

 

“Maybe he went to do some training?” Hairo contributed— absolutely nothing but to him it was a genuine suggestion.

 

“Perhaps he got lost?” Teruhashi stood up on her tiptoes and tried to look over the crowd.

 

“Maybe he—” Toritsuka started speaking but stopped immediately.

 

“That way.” Saiki turned and pointed away from the food stands.

 

“Thanks, Saiki.” Shun sent him a small smile and started weaving his way through the groups of people.

 

Having reached the otherside of the walkway and not seeing Aren, Shun stood there a moment in the warm sun. Most of the temple was shaded by the old trees, but he had found one of the few patches of sun.

 

“Shun.” 

 

Shun turned towards Aren’s voice as Aren stepped out into the sun with Shun. 

 

Aren’s hair shone in the sunlight, creating a shimmering halo. The rays highlighted Aren’s cheekbones and nose and cast soft shadows across his face. Behind his glasses, his eyes were crinkled at the sides slightly, and his mouth was open in a big grin. He was bright, he was alive .

 

Shun wished he had an eidetic memory, so that he’d never forget any detail. 

 

He also realised that it definitely was not butterflies in his stomach.

 

It was moths. 

 

Moths, because Aren was so bright; like the sun, like a lamp casting soft light out over the back veranda on a warm spring evening, like a lighthouse directing ships in a storm, like a blinding lantern in the deepest coldest darkest night. 

 

Moths; because like them, Shun gravitated towards Aren, like moths to a light.

 

Only once Aren had reached Shun had he managed to quell the moths in his stomach and dangerous words in his throat, and was able to open his mouth and speak properly.

 

“Where did you go?”

 

“Well, you were deep in thought, so I thought I’d use the time to go get you something, we couldn’t hang out at christmas and I didn’t get you a gift, so I wanted to get you something,” Aren said, he held out a small paper bag in one hand and used his free hand to tap his cheek.

 

“Aren, you didn’t have to get me anything, I didn’t get you anything.” Shun wanted to tell Aren how every little thing he did for Shun was the best gift he could ever get, and that Aren just being by his side was all he wanted. 

 

He didn’t. 

 

He couldn’t.

 

“I know, but I wanted to,” Aren said, giving Shun another blinding smile and all Shun could do was swallow the lump in his throat and take the gift.

 

Inside the paper bag were three Omamori talismans. There was one purple one and two light blue. On closer inspection the two light blue ones read Gakugyo Jyoju and were for good luck with study and education. The purple one said Shiawase and was the type for happiness and to ward off bad feelings.

 

“I got a Gakugyo Omamori for each of us, so we can do well and keep studying together. Um, and I got a Shiawase one for you, because sometimes we need a little help and that’s okay.”

 

Shun felt the lump building in his throat and a tightness in his chest. Why was Aren so lovely? Every kind thing Aren did for Shun made him feel like crying. He took a few deep breaths to relax and made sure the prickling in his eyes didn’t turn into actual tears. 

 

When Shun felt in control enough he looked back up to Aren who was watching intently. His grin was gone and replaced with a soft smile.

 

“Thank you, I— They’re— I love them.” Shun returned Aren’s smile before handing one of the Gakugyo Omamoris back to Aren. He managed to keep the “I love you” in his throat, not letting it escape.

 

“You don’t need a Shiawase one?” Shun said, and Aren stepped up, slung an arm around Shun and started guiding them back towards their friends.

 

“I don’t need one, I’ve got you,” Aren said, with a smile and a quick glance at Shun.

 

Those god damn moths wouldn’t give Shun a break today, and neither would Aren. Shun felt like his heart would burst through his chest because surely having your heart beat this hard and fast so many times has worn down the area around his heart and it’s only a matter of time until it broke through.

 

***

 

After hanging out a little at the temple Aren and Shun parted ways with their friends. Takoyaki in hand, Shun and Aren headed towards Sei To Shi. Shun didn’t think Matsu worked there, but the people there knew him and so they might know how they could find him. 

 

Aren was in charge of the directions, because Shun would definitely take them to the wrong place. It was only a fifteen minute walk from the temple, but took them longer because they stopped off at a bookstore so Aren could buy the latest volume of a comic he was reading and at a convenience store to get a bottle of warm tea each. 

 

When they reached the small alleyway it was empty. They walked past the small ramen restaurant and to the Izakaya. It was closed, the lights were off, and no one was inside. 

 

Which, if Shun was honest, should have been expected. It was one in the afternoon on New Year's Day; not many Izakayas are open at that time on a normal day. 

 

Aren’s arm tightened around Shun’s shoulders and he stood up straight, every part they were touching stilled.

 

“Ooo, little pup, and the little guard dog, too. I don’t suppose you’re lost this time?” Matsu’s laugh rang out behind them.

 

“Matsu,” Shun said, voice raised in surprise.

 

Shun spun out of Aren’s arms and locked eyes with Matsu. He was in a pair of worn out jeans, a white top, the leather jacket over the top, and a dirty half-apron. He gave Shun a big smile and a wave.

 

“Happy New Year,” Shun said once he had covered the distance between them. He walked fast and certainly did not skip. He was The Jet Black Wings™ and he absolutely does not skip.

 

Matsu pulled Shun into a brief but tight hug. 

 

“Happy New Year, pup,” Matsu said then addressed Aren “Happy New Year.” 

 

“Happy New Year,” Aren said, then paused and spoke again; “Thank you for looking after Shun the other day, I am in your debt.” He bowed.

 

“AREN!” Shun was instantly embarrassed. Aren had this tendency to say things as if Shun was his girlfriend and someone had looked after him when it was dangerous. It made Shun feel a lot of things, ones that he shouldn’t feel, and he had no way to stop them.

 

“You guys suit each other,” Matsu said and laughed.

 

“Eh!” Shun’s brain stopped working. What was that supposed to mean? Aren and Shun were best friends, and you can’t be best friends with someone if you don’t suit each other. However that isn’t something you generally point out. So did Matsu mean something else? Shun had no words. 

 

Aren however didn’t seem fazed by it. He stepped up to Matsu and held out a furoshiki wrapped box, containing Aren’s Kurikinton And Kuromame.

 

“It’s not much but please accept it.” 

 

Matsu took the box with a laugh.

 

“You’re welcome, it’s natural instinct, isn’t it pup?” Matsu nodded to Shun and Shun nodded back.

 

“Thank you.” Shun bowed.

 

“We’re not set up, but would you like to come inside and have a drink or something?”

 

After exchanging a glance, Aren agreed for them.

 

It turned out that Matsu ran the small Ramen shop. He ran it with his wife Mako. They were having a private get together at the restaurant in the evening so Matsu had come in early to start setting up. Matsu promised that they’d eat what Aren made that evening.

 

The restaurant was taking a couple days break across the New Year period but they agreed to come back when it was open again and have some Ramen. Matsu was ecstatic that they were going to come back. 

 

On the way home they stopped off at a nearby department store. They had no reason to go in, neither wanted to buy anything, they just walked around the different shops. They looked at the different things and made comments. Walking through the clothes stores they pointed out increasingly ridiculous looking clothes saying the other would look good in it.

 

For the first time in a long time Shun didn’t feel like his entire body was weighed down with stones tied to his feet and his nose barely above the water. His heart was light and laughter bubbled naturally from his chest, and those moths didn’t let up once.

 

***

 

The winter holidays came and went. After New Year’s Day, Shun went back to studying hard but it wasn’t as hard . Even the days Aren didn’t come to study—  wasn’t allowed to— he still felt like his whole head was above the water. Shun didn’t have to thrash about just to keep his nose above the water.

 

Most students were upset at the start of the last term, but for Shun he was glad to be back at school. For one, it meant that he was out of the house and he didn’t have to spend lots of time with his mother. It also meant that he managed to get some fresh air and sun. 

 

The most important thing was that he got to see Aren. 

 

He already got to see Aren a fair bit during the holidays, but at school he could see Aren the whole time. As much as he wanted.

 

Further, it meant that he could see the rest of his friends, too. He missed Saiki, and even though he knew Saiki would never admit it, Shun was sure Saiki missed him too.

 

***

 

“Hey, I still have no idea how you did this. Can you show me?” Aren tapped the text book in front of him.

 

“Oh, yeah sure,” Shun said, shuffling closer to Aren, making sure not to slip out from under the Kotastu blanket. Even in his house it was cold. It didn’t seem to bother Aren but he didn’t get cold easily like Shun.

 

“Thanks, it’s this one.” Aren pointed at one of the questions on the opposite page to Shun.

 

Shun shifted closer to Aren, until their thighs were touching, he knelt up and leaned across the table in front of Aren. Otherwise he couldn’t actually see the book, and it wasn’t at all because he just wanted to get closer to Aren. He absolutely couldn’t move the text book.

 

Moving his arm so it wasn’t pinned awkwardly between the two of them Aren wrapped it around Shun’s waist and rested it on the front of Shun’s thigh on his outside leg. Shun had to try incredibly hard to ignore Aren’s hand and coherently explain the problem to Aren. 

 

After a couple minutes of explaining Aren understood the solution, and how to get the right answer. Shun was able to sit down and get his personal space back, his poor heart wouldn’t have held out much longer. 

 

***

 

“What’s the chemical composition of protein?” Aren had his leg resting over Shun’s under the Kotatsu. It was heavy against Shun’s small one but was warm and grounding. 

 

“Um, which one?” Shun was looking down at his chemistry text book, this unit they were doing overlapped with their biology class and so it was almost like studying for both.

 

“Umm.” Aren paused and Shun glanced at him, he was frowning down at the page and Shun couldn’t help but laugh.

 

“Here,” Shun sat up properly, taking Aren’s notebook and flipping it to an empty page, “All proteins contain chains of amino acids, I’ll draw it for you.”

 

Aren leant over, looking intently at the amino acid composition Shun was drawing, he didn’t move his leg from Shun’s.

 

***

 

“Hey, in photosynthesis, when they have the light-dependent and light-independent reactions, do they take place in different locations?” Shun put his elbows on the Kotatsu and rested his chin on his hands, pouting. He wasn’t great at biology and this unit seemed pretty hard. Photosynthesis wasn’t even the hardest bit.

 

Aren tapped Shun on the nose and Shun huffed a little in surprise. With a little puff of a laugh, Aren ruffled Shun’s hair.

 

“Yeah, light-dependent reactions happen within the thylakoid membrane whereas light-independent reactions happen in the stroma,” Aren said.

 

“And where is the stroma?” 

 

“It’s the space between the thylakoid membranes and the chloroplast membranes.” Aren smiled at Shun. Aren was very good at biology, it meant that Shun was able to lean on him a little and he felt more confident.

 

“You’re smarter than I realised,” Shun said with a laugh.

 

“Hey! What’s that supposed to mean?” Aren laughed and lunged for Shun.

 

Going straight for Shun’s sides, Aren started tickling Shun. He pinned Shun’s legs down with one of his own and used his forearm to hold Shun against the ground. Aren was so much stronger than Shun, which meant that no matter how hard Shun thrashed around he was never going to escape Aren. 

 

“Ar-Are-Aren— I-I-I-I can’t— brea-the.” Shun managed to get out between laughs and gasps for air.

 

Stopping, Aren grinned down at Shun.

 

“Now you’ll know never to question my intelligence again,” Aren said, resolutely.

 

“Hmm, I didn’t say you were smart, just smarter than I realised,” Shun said with a laugh.

 

“You shouldn’t have said that.” Aren shook his head seriously, paused for a second and resumed his tickle attack on Shun.

 

***

 

“How do you read this?” Aren spoke up, breaking the silence. 

 

Shun’s mother had finally allowed Shun and Aren to study in his room, instead of having to study in the living room. Being able to study in his bedroom meant that Shun was able to relax and it became even easier to study with Aren.

 

They were reading Ame by Hayashi Fumiko. It was hard. Traditional Japanese Literature was his best class, but it was still difficult. 

 

The two were sitting in silence reading as they had been given it that day. The plan was to finish reading it; it was a short story, then discuss it. Shun was sitting with his back against his bed and his legs stretched out. Some time during their reading Aren ended up lying on the floor and wriggled his way over so his head was resting in Shun’s lap, lying on his back. 

 

Shun stilled his hand that had unconsciously been running through Aren’s hair.

 

“Which one?” Shun said and lent down a little as Aren tilted the book back so both of them could see it. 

 

“This one,” Aren said.

 

“Aren! That’s the main character's name,” Shun said.

 

“Yeah but I forgot.” Aren rested the book down against his chest and smiled sheepishly up at Shun.

 

“You’re incredible, how have you managed to read for this long without knowing?” Shun shook his head with a laugh.

 

“Thank you.”

 

“It wasn’t a compliment.”

 

Aren laughed and Shun joined in.

 

“What is it?”

 

“I won’t tell you until you tell me how you’ve read this much without knowing it.” Shun smirked— attempted to— down at Aren.

 

“I just make a mumbled sound in my head when I read it,” Aren said and tapped his cheek.

 

“Like what?”

 

“No, it’s embarrassing.”

 

“I won’t tell you how to read it.”

 

“Fine. I just say gonyo gonyo ,” Aren said with an embarrassed laugh.

 

Shun laughed and laughed, for some reason Aren saying it made incredibly funny. Shun leant down an arm wrapped around his stomach and one against Aren’s chest to keep him propped up right. Once his laughing slowed and he stopped having to gasp for air he sat up again. 

 

Aren was staring at him. Shun felt a little bad for laughing at Aren, only a little.

 

“I missed hearing you laugh.” Aren smiled.

 

“Eh?” Shun’s brain took a moment to process what Aren had said, the moths starting to flutter in his stomach. Aren was close enough that maybe he’d be able to hear their wings fluttering. 

 

“Nothing,” Aren laughed, “Tell me how to read the name.” Aren tapped the book.

 

“Oh— Uh— yeah, it’s read Kojiro.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

***

 

“SHUN!” Aren practically launched himself at Shun, sweeping him up into a big hug. Aren spun them around, their laugh mixing with the rest of the students looking at their scores.

 

“I’ve never been twentieth before,” Shun said, grinning at Aren.

 

“You did so well!” Aren put Shun down, “I’m so proud.”

 

Shun didn’t know whether to blame his racing heart on the fact he had ranked twentieth in his grade, that Aren had hugged him, or that Aren was proud. Whatever the reason, it was uncomfortably fast.

 

“You too! thirtieth, Aren that’s amazing.” Shun grinned at Aren.

 

“I guess we’re pretty smart, ay.” Aren grinned at Shun and wrapped his arm around him.

 

Shun felt warm inside and hoped that it was good enough for his mother to let up a little.

 

***

 

“— and what homework were you set over the holidays?” His mother was looking down at his report card.

 

Shun pulled the list out for each class and handed it to her.

 

“Hmm, okay. I will set you up to chapter seven of the first volume of Entrance Exam All Round Prep.” His mother handed him back the sheets.

 

All Shun could do was stare at his mother. He wasn’t sure if he had heard her properly.

 

“Up to chapter seven?” He asked hesitantly. 

 

“Yes.”

 

“For this week?”

 

“For the spring holidays.”

 

“Only up to seven?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“For the entire month?”

 

“Yes, and if you ask me again I will increase it.”

 

“Um.” was all Shun managed to get out but he nodded.

 

“You did okay . You will need to work extra hard in third year for the exams, so you must get out your need to play before the year starts. Have it all done by the end of the holidays, I don’t care what else you do,” His mother tapped her hand on his shoulder and walked out.

 

Shun just stood there in the kitchen processing it.

 

He had almost no homework.

 

He was allowed to do whatever he wanted.

 

He could hang out with his friends.

 

He could see Aren and not have to study.

 

He could see Aren .

 

Shaking out of his stupor, Shun ran out of the kitchen up to his room.

 

He picked up his phone and called Aren.

 

***

 

“Are you sure it was your mother and not some robot cyborg?” Aren laughed.

 

“I’m more shocked than anyone,” Shun said, shaking his head. 

 

“Maybe she was hit on the head with a meteor coming home and it knocked her brain around in her head?” Matsu leaned over the counter grinning at them.

 

“Honestly that sounds like the most plausible explanation so far,” Shun nodded before putting more of the ramen in his mouth. It was absolutely delicious and they had told Matsu that many times already.

 

“Well pup, I’m very proud of you,” Matsu said.

 

“Me, too!” Aren chipped in.

 

“Thank you,” Shun said and looked down at his ramen very embarrassed but hoping that they’d be fooled, thinking he was deciding which bits of the ramen to eat next.

 

“I think we should celebrate,” Aren said and Matsu hummed in agreement.

 

“No, let’s not.” Shun shook his head, he didn’t want to celebrate anything he’d done. Of course it was great he’d done so well, but it wasn’t the best and he still had a way to go if he wanted to get into one of the universities his mother wanted him to go to.

 

“We’ll just plan a surprise party then.”

 

“No. Besides, you can’t tell me you’re planning a surprise party because then it stops being a surprise.”

 

“It’ll be a surprise because you’ll never know when it will happen. Just, um, something completely unrelated, nothing to do with the conversation we were just having, are you busy on the 26th?” Aren laughed.

 

“Um, depends what you were wanting to do.” Shun narrowed his eyes at Aren.

 

“It’s a surprise.” Aren laughed.

 

“Areeenn,” Shun said, drawing out the vowels. 

 

“You’ll have lots of fun, little pup,” Matsu said.

 

“Fine. I’ll attend the secret ‘definitely not surprise party’ event.” Shun rolled his eyes with a laugh. He didn’t want a party thrown for him, and absolutely not to celebrate his grades, he didn’t deserve it.

 

***

 

“You saw Infinity War right?” Shun turned to Aren.

 

“Yes, I already said that,” Aren said laughing. 

 

“We should get Antman and Spider Man, too. We can watch them sometime.” Shun turned around without waiting for Aren’s response and walked towards the S section.

 

“Good idea, why don’t you stay over and we can watch all three?” Aren followed Shun.

 

“Ooo Aren, nice idea. Let’s do that,” Shun said. He was glad Aren was behind him so he wouldn’t see how red Shun was sure he had gotten. 

 

It wasn’t even as if they’d never had a sleepover before. They’d had many. The problem now was that Shun was fully aware— constantly aware— just how much he liked Aren. That was okay, he’d be able to live his life with Aren as his best friend by his side and nothing else. It would be a life of struggle and no doubt lots of pain, but it would be worth it to have Aren right next to him. 

 

He only hoped that he’d be able to keep his, less than pure, feelings for Aren quiet so that he’d never offended or disgust his best friend. Aren wasn’t a horrible person, he was amazing, kind, wonderful, strong, caring, and things Shun just didn’t know how to describe with words. So he knew that Aren would never be cruel to Shun, he just knew , but that didn’t mean that he’d still want to be friends with Shun if his secret slipped out. 

 

He couldn’t risk his friendship with Aren.

 

“Shun,” Aren said from behind him.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“You walked straight past S.” Aren laughed.

 

“Sorry,” Shun laughed awkwardly, “I was just thinking about the best way to avoid The Dark Reunion’s™ next attack.” 

 

***

 

Aren’s soft breathing half a meter away filled his ears as Shun woke up. It was cold in Aren’s room and he pulled the blanket further up until it was over his nose.

 

They managed to watch two of the three movies they’d rented until Shun dozed off at the beginning of Spiderman. After laying out two futons they fell asleep straight away, well at least Shun had.  

 

Shun turned his head to look at Aren, he had rolled over during the night and was facing Shun. It seemed he had wriggled one of his legs under Shun’s blanket, and his shin was resting against the top of one of Shun’s feet. 

 

After watching Aren for what seemed like an eternity, Aren took a few deep breaths before opening his eyes, blinking a few times. They locked eyes and Aren gave Shun a blinding smile.

 

“Morning,” Aren said, scrunching up his eyes and stretching all his limbs out. A few of his joints cracked in the process.

 

Using the time Aren was stretching to squish all the moths in his stomach and shove the thought of waking up next to Aren like this every morning into the back of his mind, Shun tried to calm his heart.

 

“Morning, Aren.”

 

***

 

“Kaido,” Saiki said and stepped sideways allowing Shun to enter the house.

 

“Morning Saiki,” Shun said as he slipped off his shoes.

 

Shun had spent quite a few days, almost every one he didn’t spend with Aren or the larger friendship group, at Saiki’s. Some days they would watch TV, some they would study together, some they would play a video game, and some they would just read in silence. 

 

He was so grateful for Saiki’s friendship, he always knew what Shun needed. Saiki was Shun’s first real friend and he truly loved Saiki, not the same way he did Aren, but that didn’t mean that it was any less important or inferior. If Saiki needed something, Shun would drop everything to help. If Aren wanted to hang out and Saiki needed help, Aren would just have to wait.

 

“ Study ?” Saiki said as he headed to the kitchen.

 

“Yeah if you don’t mind.” Shun stood on the other side of the counter.

 

“ Yare yare.” Saiki poured a glass of apple juice and some jasmine tea and handed the tea to Shun. 

 

In Saiki’s room they started on their homework. Saiki’s mother came and brought them some snacks and some neatly cut sandwiches for lunch. Shun had been pretty good at concentrating recently; now that he had time to spend with his friends he wasn’t constantly thinking about them while studying. 

 

The problem was he had spent the day prior with Aren, and there were many occasions that made Shun want to be more than friends. Moments where he thought if they’d been closer or he’d had less self-control, he might have tried to kiss Aren. 

 

That terrified him.

 

“ I can practically hear your brain in overdrive. If you have something you want to say, please do.”

 

“Oh, um, yeah okay,” Shun said.

 

After setting down his pen and trying to collect his thoughts, he took a deep breath. 

 

“So, uh, I have this friend—”

 

“ You ?” 

 

“No, someone you don’t know—”

 

“ You.”

 

“Uh, um, yeah— me.”

 

“ Yes?” Saiki said, looking at Shun expectantly.

 

“Ah, yes and I— they— um, have uh, feelings for one of their friends, and uh— they don’t want— um it’s— they're the same gender— and uh their friend—”

 

“ Kuboyasu.”

 

“No!”

 

“Me?”

 

“NO!!!!”

 

“Nendo?”

 

“Ew, no, Aren .”

 

“ Kuboyasu, yes go on.”

 

“And well, what if their feelings come out and Aren decides it’s super gross and hates me and never wants to see me again?”

 

“ Yare yare. There are only two situations where Kuboyasu would hate you.”

 

“Oh no. And this is one of them?”

 

“ The first is if you learnt to drive, deliberately drove up the sidewalk hitting a mother and her three small children and then an old couple on a romantic stroll, got out of the car walked over to them took the candy from the injured children, then took all the valuables from the elderly and then spat on them.”

 

“I would never do that!!”

 

“ Well then you’ll be fine.”

 

“What’s the second?”

 

“ If you were only ever pretending to be his friend and never actually liked him.”

 

“I don’t think I’ll have to worry about that one.”

 

“ He won’t hate you.”

 

“But what if he does?” Shun pulled his knees to his chest and rested his forehead on them swallowing down the overwhelming feeling. 

 

He had never talked to anyone about his feelings for Aren and he was nervous but he knew he could trust Saiki to not judge him. Saying it outloud; however, made it more real. Voicing his worries out loud made it a hundred times scarier.

 

“ Yare yare. Kuboyasu is a good person, he would never hate anyone for something like this. Have a little faith,” Saiki said and turned back to his homework, ending their conversation.

 

Finding some comfort in Saiki’s words, Shun turned back to his homework. 

 

***

 

“Okay so we're almost there,” Aren said.

 

“Can I open my eyes? I know we’re going to Saiki’s. Aren even I know the way.” Shun reached up to move Aren’s hand from Shun’s eyes.

 

“No, we're not going to Saiki’s.” Aren used his other hand placed on Shun’s lower back to guide him.

 

It was the 26 th and Shun had unfortunately already agreed to attend Aren’s secret plans to celebrate Shun’s grades—  which Shun knew was going to be a ‘surprise’ party. He really didn’t want to go but Aren had gone to the trouble of organising everything and well, if Aren asked Shun to do some he would, without hesitation.

 

Aren had turned up at Shun’s house, and they walked halfway to Saiki’s house before Aren said he wasn’t allowed to look where they were going and covered Shun’s eyes. 

 

If Shun’s intuition was right, even just based solely on time, they should be at Saiki’s house anytime now.

 

“We’re here,” Aren said, stopping. He then turned them both around ninety degrees and removed his hand from Shun’s eyes.

 

In front of them was Saiki’s house.

 

“I told you I knew we were going to—” Shun spoke but he was cut off when Aren put both hands on Shun’s shoulders and spun them in a one eighty.

 

On the other side of the street was Saiki and he didn’t look amused at all. Next to him was a backpack, Aren’s motorbike, and two helmets.

 

“ Can I go now? ”

 

“Thank’s Saiki,” Aren nodded.

 

“Hi, Saiki,” Shun said with a little wave and a smile.

 

“ Kaido .” Saiki gave Shun a single nod as he passed and Shun watched Saiki go inside before turning to Aren for an explanation.

 

“I wanted to celebrate your achievement, but I knew you wouldn’t want a party so I thought we could go for a ride? There’s this mountain with a great view— you can see the ocean and at night you can see the stars and the city lights, too. I had gone there a few times before I transfered to PK Gakuen— I really liked it and ever since we became friends I’ve wanted to take you there— so maybe if you want we could go?— Or if not if you’d prefer a party— can we get people together and have a party this evening?”

 

“No.” Shun shook his head.

 

“Oh, you don’t want to go?” Aren was visibly disappointed, like a puppy who’d just had a bath in the middle of winter.

 

“NO! No. No, I don’t want to have a party this evening. Yes I want to go on a ride, I can’t think of anything I’d want to do more,” Shun said clearing up the confusion. 

 

The moths in his tummy were already swarming, and he felt giddy just thinking about riding around with Aren and seeing the lights and stars. Shun tried hard to ignore the fact that if it wasn’t Shun, but a girl with Aren— if it wasn’t his best friend— it would definitely sound like a date. However, it wasn’t. It was two best friends and despite it hurting when he thought about it, Shun didn’t really care because it sounded magical. He promised himself he’d only imagine that it was a date for a little bit.

 

“Really?” Aren’s face split into a huge grin.

 

“Of course.”

 

“I made Onigiri and got some drinks and other snacks. There’s also a really nice Okonomiyaki place on the way so I thought we could have lunch there, and then dinner up on the mountain? Just relax and see where the day takes us?” Aren spoke as if he was a three year old talking about their favourite toy.

 

“It sounds wonderful.” Shun felt like he was wrapped snugly in a blanket and sitting on a fluffy cloud being blown by a warm breeze. Exhilarating and reassuring at the same time. He couldn’t believe Aren would do such a wonderful thing for him.

 

“Okay, shall we go now then?” Aren walked over to the bike and picked up a helmet, it was black but it had a pattern on it. He held it out to Shun.

 

On closer inspection it had The Jet Black Wings ™ written on it in deep red writing, and two white outlined wings. 

 

Shun took the helmet with his face burning, he felt like his chest would burst he was so happy. 

 

“Do you like it? I wasn’t sure about the wings, I couldn’t decide if they should have also been red, but I kinda liked the white so I went with it but if you think you’d like red better I can get it changed later,” Aren said.

 

“No, it’s perfect. Thank you. I love it.” Shun did, he loved it, he loved everything Aren did for him, he loved Aren.

 

***

 

“Look at the lights on that boat,” Shun said, pointing out across the horizon. Aren leaned in closer to follow Shun’s finger.

 

“Oh yeah, it looks tiny. I bet it’s huge up close though,” Aren said.

 

“Is that a lighthouse?” Shun pointed closer down the mountain and Aren leaned in a little more so he could follow where Shun was pointing. Shun absolutely did not do it so that Aren would lean in even closer to him. 

 

“Yeah I think so.”

 

They went silent just looking across the city lights and out into the ocean.

 

“Want some tea? It should still be hot?” Aren smiled at Shun, it was dark but the moon gave enough light to see Aren when they were close.

 

“Yeah,” Shun said.

 

Aren took Shun’s hand and led him back to the small picnic mat that they ate dinner on. Shun pretend that Aren held his hand because you do that on dates and not because it was dark and Shun was a clutz who would trip over everything.

 

When they reached the mat Aren let go of Shun’s hand and went rummaging through his packback for the thermos. Shun missed the feeling of Aren’s hand against his, but squished it away and sat down on the mat. 

 

“Here,” Aren said, handing Shun a metal mug, and he sat down once Shun took it. The mat was small and for both of them to fit on it they basically had to sit shoulder to shoulder, which is what Aren did.

 

“Thank you.”

 

The air was cool, but the mug was warm against his hands, Aren's body warm next to him, and the overwhelming feeling of love in his chest was warmer than anything else. Shun never wanted to leave this moment. Aren and him; side by side, looking out over the city lights and the ocean.

 

Aren put his mug down and lay back, he folded one of his arm’s under his head, and the other lay out behind Shun. 

 

“The stars are amazing, they’re easier to see if you lie down.” Aren patted the ground behind Shun.

 

Hesitating, only for a moment, Shun leant back. He gave Aren time to move his arm out of the way, he didn’t, instead he adjusted it so that Shun’s head lay comfortably against it. It was warm and comforting, and made Shun’s heart race.

 

The stars were incredible, being away from the city meant they were brighter and you could see more. On top of the hill, looking up with no light anywhere around them, it felt like you could reach out and touch them.

 

They slipped into a comfortable silence and Shun felt his breathing slow. 

 

Shun lifted up one of his arms and stretched it up high, as if trying to grab the stars. He left his hand there for a while before he rested it back down on his lap with a little chuckle. Aren returned it.

 

In the silence Shun tuned out all of his thoughts. He tried to stay in the moment. 

 

Aren’s arm under him.

 

The blanket against his back.

 

Soft moonlight tinting their world grey.

 

A slight breeze against his skin.

 

Aren’s steady breathing next to him.

 

The stars spread out above them.

 

“The moon is beautiful, isn’t it?” Aren’s voice was soft.

 

Shun swallowed.

 

Did Aren know what he was saying? What he was really saying?

 

Or was he just actually commenting on the moon?

 

Shun didn’t know about Aren’s old school, but in his middle school they learnt a lot about the writer Natsume Soseki. Some of Shun’s favourite books were written by him.

 

The specific thing that had Shun’s mind racing was when Natsume Soseki used; ‘The moon is beautiful, isn’t it?’ to mean ‘I love you.’

 

They hadn’t studied much of his work since middle school, but it was a pretty famous quote. It was in trashy romance dramas every so often, but Aren didn’t watch them. Maybe Aren’s old school didn’t learn about it? Perhaps Aren had just never heard the quote. 

 

Maybe he really was just commenting on the moon. 

 

Shun had stayed quiet for a little too long, he could feel Aren’s eyes on him.

 

“Uh, yeah, it really is.” Shun squished down the feelings he had and how much he wished that Aren was really saying I love you and not just commenting on the moon.

 

The only response he got was a hum.

 

“Shun?” Aren spoke up again after about five minutes.

 

“Hmmm?” Shun had gotten lost in the stars, time slowing down and the rest of the world falling away.

 

“What do you want to be?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Like in the future?”

 

“I think I’ll be a lawyer.”

 

“No, not what you think you’ll be, what you want to be.”

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“Surely you have something, it could be anything; an astronaut, or a zookeeper, or the prime minister, or a fighter fighter, or anything?” 

 

“Umm, I don’t know, it’s stupid, I’ll have to go to law school, and I’ll become a lawyer so it doesn’t matter.” 

 

“It’s not stuid if you want it. If you truly love something and want to do something, it’s never stupid.”

 

“I’d like to be a writer.”

 

“You will be a great writer, Shun.” 

 

“I don’t know, like I said; I’ll have to go to law school, so I won’t get a chance to write anything, but that’s okay.”

 

“I know you will be a great writer, I believe in you.”

 

“What do you want to be?”

 

“A teacher.”

 

“Kuboyasu-Sensei. I like it. What do you want to teach?”

 

“I’d like to teach art, maybe, or biology.” 

 

“You’d be a fantastic art teacher. Scary, but incredible.”   

 

Lying next to Aren under the stars made Shun feel like; in some world out there, in the huge universe, there was a place for him where he could write with Aren always by his side and be happy.

 

***

 

The problem with being mentally ill is that you don’t just magically stop being ill. 

 

You're not suddenly better if one person spends a little more time with you. You’re not better if you feel happier a little more of the time than you did before. Getting better takes more than hanging out with your friends for a bit and having a study partner.

 

Life doesn’t work like that.

 

One person doesn’t ‘ fix’ you.

 

A couple weeks of feeling okay doesn’t make you better.

 

Shun was learning that. 

 

The spring holidays were nice. It's wonderful, but it’s not normal. It’s not an accurate representation of the rest of the year. The first day of his third year came with the realisation that he would be just as flat out with even more pressure than second year.

 

Having Aren able to study with Shun was great, but his mother had cut down the times Aren was allowed to come over. She told him if his position was to slip in the grade she would give him more work than before.

 

Shun was terrified. 

 

He was scared he couldn’t do it. Scared he’d fail; that he’d disappoint people.

 

Most of all, he was scared he’d want to die again.

 

Terrified that he’d need to start cutting to keep waking up every day.

 

Shun promised Aren that he wouldn’t. 

 

The pressure of their final year of highschool was mounting and Shun was slipping further and further into the water with no way out.

 

***

 

“Shun?”

 

“Shun?”

 

“ Shun ?” 

 

The firm grip on Shun’s shoulder dragged him back to reality.

 

Aren was sitting next to him, leaning sideways so he could look at Shun square on. His head was tilted a little in question, but his eyebrows were drawn in and mouth turned down in a frown.

 

“You okay?”

 

“Yeah, uh, sorry, I didn’t sleep well. Just a little tired,” Shun said, turning back to his work, making sure he avoided Aren’s eyes.

 

“You’ve ‘ just been tired’ for a long time now, Shun. You promised you’d let me help you— that if things weren’t going okay, you’d let me know,” Aren paused and took a deep breath, “So, I’ll ask again; are you okay?”

 

Shun promised. 

 

It’s easy to promise things like that. It’s hard to follow through. Shun knew Aren would never be cruel, he’d never make Shun feel bad for not being okay; however, he still hadn’t been able to do it. 

 

Being open was being vulnerable, and Shun tried, he really did. He knew Aren was a safe person and that Aren would only ever give him support and comfort, but knowing something and knowing something is different. Somewhere deep down, he still believed he wasn’t worthy of the friendship, kindness, and love Aren— and the rest of his friends— gave him. 

 

The loop continued.

 

“Seriously, I’m okay. I’ve just had so much work that it eats into my sleep time, and then I get exhausted, but it’s okay. I’m fine.” Shun lied. 

 

He liked to think he was a good liar but Aren’s silence was pretty telling.

 

They stayed like that for a while, Shun pretending to be reading his text book and ignoring Aren’s eyes trained on him. Shun just wanted Aren to drop it. He wasn’t ready to talk about it. 

 

He shouldn’t be like this. 

 

He should be okay. 

 

Shun had a roof over his head, food, hot water, toilet, bathroom,  friends, family, good education, access to technology, he didn’t have to worry about if the lights would turn off or when his next meal was.

 

Yet he was still like this. He didn’t have any excuses, yes, he was worked until he wanted to collapse, but that was all he had to worry about. 

 

He should be okay.

 

He wasn’t.

 

Aren eventually went back to studying.

 

***

 

Shun’s phone vibrated on the table in rapid succession.

 

A: Hey

A: You up?

A: You looked exhausted today

A: I didn’t get to ask

A: but

A: Are you okay?

A: It’s okay if you aren’t

A: It’s okay to need help

A: I want to help you

A: You have to let me tho

A: please?

 

S: Um, yeah

S: It’s just been 

S: Like

S: A little stressful

S: I’ll be okay tho

S: Just like

 

As Shun was typing the next message his screen switched to show that Aren was calling him. 

 

The rest of the house was asleep, but if he got under his desk and under the blanket it’s not too loud— as long as he spoke quietly. So he pulled a blanket under the desk, faced the wall to the outside, took a deep breath, and answered the phone.

 

“Hey.”

 

“Hey.” Aren’s voice was a whisper, just like Shun’s.

 

“I didn’t expect you to be up.” Aren wasn’t an early sleeper but he normally fell asleep before Shun.

 

“I couldn’t sleep, are you still doing homework?” Aren said.

 

“Yeah, almost done though,” Shun said, wrapping an arm around himself. He only had a few more questions left.

 

“It’s three am, how much longer?” Shun could imagine Aren’s frown.

 

“Maybe thirty to forty minutes.”

 

“That’s too long. Send me half the questions, I’ll do them.” Aren said, voice firm despite being a whisper.

 

“I can’t ask you to—”

 

“You didn’t ask to. I want to, please let me help you,” Aren said, cutting Shun off.

 

Having to pause for a moment so that he could swallow the lump forming in his throat, Shun rubbed his eyes trying to rid the prickling. Aren always treated Shun so incredibly kindly. He would always put Shun first, and do anything to help him. 

 

Shun felt like he was taking advantage of Aren. He didn’t make Aren do it, but he still felt like he was using him. It made Shun want to scream.

 

“Thank you, I’ll send a photo,” Shun said finally.

 

“Okay, cool.”

 

“Um— can-can we stay on the phone, please?”

 

“Of course.”

 

Together it only took fifteen minutes to finish the remainder of Shun’s homework. They chatted for a little bit and Shun fell asleep next to his phone with Aren still on the other end.

 

***

 

Things only got worse when his general ranking dropped to twenty third after the mid semester tests. 

 

Shun was trying just as hard; however, third year was difficult and all the other students were trying hard too. So even if Shun did just as well as he had done in second year, if someone was doing better than they had been doing it would push down Shun. 

 

His mother just didn’t get it. 

 

Maybe she did, she just didn’t care.

 

Aren’s visits were cut down to once a week. The same rules were put in place as he had during second year. No phone, no food before he finished his work, no snacks, straight to and from school, no playing. 

 

The one thing that brought solace to Shun was that Aren was still allowed to come over once a week, and Shun believed he had Sora to thank for that. 

 

She was strong and passionate, fair and persuasive— logical. She could stand up to their mother, and even persuade her to do something. He was absolutely positive she managed to convince her that Aren should still be allowed to come around and study. 

 

The lonely nights, working into the early hours of the morning, losing sleep, not seeing his friends, not eating properly; it all started taking its toll on Shun. The pressure of his mother and her expectations; the expectations he would get good grades, then do well on the university entrance exams, only to get into a famous and difficult university to study harder again; it was suffocating. 

 

There was no escape from it all. 

 

He knew he was sick. 

 

Shun knew that. 

 

He knew he wasn’t okay and he couldn’t escape it. Shun knew Aren saw it, Saiki too. Shun was ashamed that he knew and still couldn’t do anything about it. The worst thing was that he’d promised Aren he would ask for help as soon as he needed it. When Shun felt sad or upset, or just not okay. Promised he would tell Aren, and he would do anything he could to help, or just sit together if he couldn’t do anything.

 

The problem was Shun couldn’t reach out. 

 

He was stuck— as if he was buried in layers of ice so his body was frozen but he was still inside. Like a cartoon, he was screaming inside of the frozen body— shouting for help—  but nothing happened, no one could hear. 

 

He couldn’t tell Aren. Shun had tried, but no words came out or at the last second lies spilled from his mouth without him realising until it was too late. 

 

Shun started dissociating more regularly. It happened more at home than school, but it might last a few days at a time, weekends were often spent in that space between reality and nothing. Where he felt everything, all the pain and the sorrow, except it was nothing at all. 

 

It was when Shun spiralled, stuck in the helpless loop of his future, that the thought of Aren never being more than his best friend upset Shun the most. It was selfish for him to want more and that made it worse. 

 

The only time he cried was on a day that he had come off a four day long dissociation and had been hit with a wave of despair. He had been pulled a meter below the water unable to breathe or escape. It was thinking about their friendship that had sent him over the edge.

 

***

 

“Ooooo, Chibi, you’re pretty smart,” Nendo said.

 

“Chihuahua-kun, they’re some tough UNIs you’re planning to apply for.” Toritsuka looked at Shun’s university plan over his shoulder.

 

The teacher had given it to them the day prior and asked everyone to fill out their plans for the next three years. They needed to write their top three universities and what they wished to study, and if they weren’t planning to go to a university where they would go and what they would do.

 

Shun of course put the universities his mother had chosen along with the law school for each one. That was what he had to do, it was a plan that was put into place before he even thought about it. There was no choice, it just was.

 

“Kaido-kun is really smart! I’m sure he’ll be accepted into every one,” Yumehara said, flashing him a big smile.

 

“Shun can do anything he puts his mind to, he’s a genius.” Aren slung his arm around Shun.

 

“I don’t know, I’ll just try my best,” Shun said with an awkward laugh.

 

“Law school, wow Kaido you’ll make a great lawyer, I can’t wait to see you working out in the court,” Hairo said with a grin.

 

“I think you’re thinking of a different court,” Aren said, trailing off.

 

The group laughed and Shun used the time to shrink down smaller and lean in closer to Aren. He didn’t want to be a lawyer, he didn’t want to go to those schools, he didn’t want the attention. Shun just wanted to sleep for the rest of eternity.

 

***

 

“Shun, stop avoiding the question!” Aren’s voice was raised, which wasn’t rare in itself, the rare thing about it was that it was directed at Shun .

 

“It doesn’t matter,” Shun couldn’t find it in himself to meet Aren’s volume, nothing really mattered anyway it was already decided for him.

 

“Of course it matters, Shun! It’s your life,” Aren said and stomped over to stand in front of Shun.

 

It was Friday evening and Aren had come over to study. Sora was out at cram school, Toki was having a sleep over at one of his friend’s houses, and his mother was at a work dinner. So Aren and Shun had the house to themselves.

 

“I don’t want it,” Shun said in a whisper so quiet it barely left his lips.

 

“What?” Aren bent down, having not been able to hear Shun’s words. 

 

“I said, it doesn’t matter what I say, it’s already decided. I will go to law school and become a lawyer. There is no room for argument.” Frustration, anger, sadness, hopelessness, and pain bled from every crackin Shun’s shattered heart. 

 

Shun was upset. Aren didn’t understand. He just didn’t. His parents loved him, they supported him in everything he did. They just wanted Aren to be happy and were proud of him whatever he did. 

 

Aren’s parents loved him.

 

So Aren didn’t understand. 

 

“Well, have you tried?” Aren’s voice was raised again.

 

“Of course I have tried! Do you think I’m stupid?” Shun matched Aren’s level, voice just below a yell.

 

“You’re not stupid. Try again.”

 

“I have , ‘not under my roof you don’t’ or ‘over my dead body’, are the only responses I get.”

 

“But you can’t give up, you owe it to yourself.” 

 

“I don’t owe anything to myself, I’m already at my limit just being alive, I don’t owe you or myself anything else.” Shun’s voice raised up to a yell. 

 

Couldn’t help himself he had always hid his pain behind anger, it was just easier like that.

 

Aren faltered for a second before he yelled back at Shun.

 

“Why do you owe it to your mother?”

 

“Because she gave birth to me.”

 

“So?”

 

“Because she feeds me.”

 

“Barely.”

 

“Because she gives me a place to live.”

 

“You’re barely living, Shun.”

 

“Because she pays for school.”

 

“So?”

 

“Because she buys me books.”

 

“Which you can’t read.”

 

“She pays for my phone.”

 

“Which you don’t have.”

 

“Because she will pay for my university.”

 

“Which you don’t want to go to.”

 

Shun was sure the neighbors could hear their argument; they were so loud.

 

“Because without her I wouldn't have anything and wouldn’t survive a week let alone the night.”

 

“Did she say that to you?”

 

“You don’t understand Aren, you just can’t.” Shun avoided Aren’s question, stepping around and heading to the door. 

 

He was too upset, he couldn’t be around Aren at the moment. They had never fought before and here they were yelling at each other in Shun’s room. Shun was angry, upset, hurt, guilty, distressed, ashamed, agitated, and a mix of other emotions he couldn’t identify. 

 

“Don’t walk away from me,” Aren said and grabbed Shun’s wrist firmy. 

 

“Aren you’re hurting me.” Shun tried to pull his arm from Aren’s, away from the burning.

 

“Shun,” Aren’s voice wavered in a much lower pitch than before, “You promised you wouldn’t cut again.”

 

“I haven’t!” Shun yanked his arm free from Aren.

 

“I don’t believe you.”

 

“I didn’t, Why don’t you trust me?”

 

“I do trust you, I would trust you with my life, I trust you with my heart, I would trust you with anything and everything.”

 

“What?” 

 

While Shun’s brain tried to catch up with Aren’s words, Aren took the opportunity to pick Shun up and dump him on the bed. He took one of Shun’s hands in his and used the other to start unwinding Shun’s bandages.

 

“Aren, I haven’t cut. I promise. Believe me.” Shun pulled his hand half heartedly from Aren’s. Neither of them were yelling anymore. 

 

“I want to,” Aren said with a sigh. Aren didn’t need to finish the sentence for Shun to know that the rest of it was ‘ but I can’t’

 

Shun didn’t resist anymore, he had lost all his energy. He’d lost the will to fight, to try.

 

Removing the bandages revealed no new cuts, they were all just healing scars now. 

 

However, layered on top of them were red raw scratches up and down his arm. There were some deep purple half moons of fingernail indents as well. The abraded skin on Shun’s arm was raised slightly and stood stark against the paleness of the surrounding arm.

 

Shun hadn’t lied. He hadn’t cut. 

 

Aren didn’t say anything for a long time and Shun had nothing to say any more.

 

“Move out.”

 

“What?” Shun wasn’t sure he heard Aren correctly.

 

“Move out. Come live with me.”

 

“Aren I don’t—” 

 

“You’re not happy here, you can’t do what you want ‘under her roof ’ so don’t be under it.”

 

“Aren it’s not that easy—”

 

“Of course it is,” Aren said and squeezed Shun’s hand.

 

“It doesn’t work like that Aren, it’s not practical—”

 

“That doesn’t matter, we can work it out.” 

 

“We can’t just work it out .”

 

“Of course we can. You can stay at my house until we graduate high school.”

 

“Aren your parents—”

 

“— And then when we graduate we can get an apartment and we can take a year off to work, because my parents will pay for my uni and we can work and save up so you can attend, too.”    

 

“Aren it’s not that easy, things don’t work like that.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because they just don’t.”

 

Aren paused looking down at Shun’s arm, he took a breath before looking back at Shun.

 

“Well I have to try something because it breaks my heart seeing the person I love suffer so much everyday and not be able to do anything about it.” 

 

“What?”

 

Person I love.

 

Person.

 

Love.

 

Person? 

 

Shun?

 

Love? 

 

What?

 

Aren didn’t speak and Shun’s brain was running at a million miles an hour trying to make sense of what Aren was saying.

 

“Me?” Shun felt like his heart was about to jump out of his chest and it was suffocating him.

 

“Yes.”

 

“You love me?”

 

“Yes and not the ‘I want to be best friends forever’ love. The love where the first thing I think about when I wake up is you, and you’re the last thing that’s on my mind before I fall asleep. The kind where I want you to be my home.

 

“Where I can wake up every day and see you— We can sit on the couch in front of the tv under a fluffy blanket and you can fall asleep even though you were the one who chose the movie. Where I make up an excuse to go shopping— to buy something we don’t really need just so we can go out together and I can hold your hand as we walk. Where you’re the last thing I see before I close my eyes.” Aren stopped there and took a deep breath. 

 

Shun was frozen, his poor heart and brain trying to catch up with what Aren was staying. It was hard to hear Aren over the pounding in his ears and his chest was constricted so tight it was hard to breathe. 

 

Receiving no reply from Shun, Aren spoke up again.

 

“I-I think sometimes— you like me back the same way. That you do love me the way I do you, even if it’s just a fraction of what I feel for you. Then sometimes I think I’m imagining it, and it hurts that you might not. Then we’ll hang out and I can just feel it and I’m positive you like me back.” Aren swallowed after he spoke, his eyes didn’t leave Shun’s.

 

A Million things to say, and no words came out of Shun so he just sat there staring at Aren who was increasingly getting more and more blurry.

 

Aren liked Shun the same way Shun liked him.

 

His chest was filled with pain and sorrow and despair; however, it was also filled with love and hope.

 

“Am I right?” Aren’s voice seemed hesitant and unsure, Shun couldn’t see his face properly to check because the tears had covered his vision.

 

“Yes.” Shun nodded, managing to push out a choked affirmation. 

 

Aren immediately sat down on the bed next to Shun and pulled him into a crushing hug. 

 

With Aren’s strong arms around him and his face resting against Aren’s chest, Shun felt all the walls, doors, and dams Shun had built crumbled away and the tears spilt over. The first sob escaped his lips and they didn’t stop.

 

“It’s okay.”

 

“I love you.”

 

“It’ll be okay.”

 

“I’ll protect you.”

 

“We can get through it.”

 

“I won’t leave you.”

 

“I love you.”

 

Aren let Shun cry. He would occasionally press a soft kiss to the top of Shun’s head, or whisper something, but other than that he just held on tight.

 

The sobs eventually slowed, Shun’s breathing relaxed, and the tears stopped. Shun focused on syncing his breathing with Aren’s and let the strong beating of Aren’s heart calm him. Aren’s arms were strong and warm; he was safe there with Aren.

 

Taking a deep breath, Shun leaned back out of the hug to look up at Aren. Aren was watching him intently, his eyes were puffy and red, he’d been crying too. He looked a little nervous and unsure. 

 

Aren removed his arms from where they wrapped around Shun but let one run down along Shun’s arm, leaving a trail of goosebumps, and linked their fingers together. Aren gave Shun’s hand a squeeze and traced his thumb along the back of Shun’s hand.

 

“A-are you sure?” Shun said after a moment of trying to compose himself, he could feel his face heating up by the second.

 

“Yes, are you?” 

 

“Yes.” Shun chuckled and Aren joined in. 

 

It slowly dissolved into the two of them in a giggling fit. 

 

Shun felt the happiness deep within his chest, heating him from the inside. Unfreezing feelings that he’d frozen and locked away a very long time ago. A warmth that bubbled up with each laugh of Aren’s he heard and mirrored himself.

 

Leaning in and resting his head on Aren’s chest, Shun took a moment to catch his breath and make sure he wasn’t dreaming this.

 

Aren liked him.

 

Shun liked Aren.

 

Aren like liked him.

 

AREN LIKED SHUN.

 

The thought made Shun light headed and giddy. It made his heart race and his breath get caught in his throat. 

 

“For how long?”

 

“Hmmm?” Aren leant back so he could look down at Shun.

 

“Since when have you… you know?” Shun couldn’t say it out loud.

 

“How long have I liked you?” Aren grinned down at Shun. Those moths were trying to burst out of Shun’s tummy.

 

“Yeah.” Shun felt his face heat up.

 

“Since Okinawa. The night we got locked out of the hotel and watched the sun rise.”

 

~~~

 

“What do you mean you can’t let us in?” Aren slammed his fist against the brick wall next to the security intercom.

 

“I’m sorry it’s after twelve and only customers with keycards or other identification can be let in. They are the rules .” The security guard’s voice was crackly over the speaker.

 

“That’s ridiculous! You have our details right there!” Aren clenched his jaw trying, and failing, to keep calm.

 

“I’m sorry, have a good evening.” The speaker went dead.

 

Aren took a moment to compose himself before he turned to Shun.

 

He was standing there fiddling with his fingers, looking like he was a five year old that had just been found guilty of eating the piece of cake they were specifically told not to. When they made eye contact Shun looked away.

 

“I’m sorry, Aren,” Shun said.

 

“No, it’s not your fault Shun, it’s those idiots Hairo, Nendo, and Saiki.” Aren shook his fist.

 

If Saiki hadn’t gone missing the four of them wouldn’t have gone out to find him. Nendo had been borrowing Shun’s phone all day and the battery had died. Aren left his in the room, not thinking to bring it and Hairo had the room card. None of them took their wallets, it wasn’t something you’d think about at the time. 

 

“What’re we supposed to do now?” Shun looked up at Aren unsure, it made Aren’s heart do a weird clenching thing which it had started to do recently but he was going to continue to ignore it. 

 

It did make him want to vow to always protect the small boy.

 

“Hmm, we can go for a walk? Then go to the beach or something?” Aren shrugged. There wasn’t a lot to do and although Okinawa wasn’t dangerous he still was going to find a safe place where they could rest. He would make sure Shun would be safe.

 

“Okay, but, ah, The Dark Reunion™ has cursed me and I can’t stand in water any deeper than my ankles, otherwise I burn,” Shun said and took an overly dramatic pose.

 

“Okay, I’ll make sure you don’t get injured, we have to keep an eye out.” Aren nodded seriously, it didn’t matter that Shun couldn’t swim. Swimming at night was dangerous anyway. Aren was a good swimmer, worst comes to worst he’d be able to save Shun.

 

“I’ve got,” Shun paused, rummaging his hand in his pocket, pulling his hand out then looking down, “ 236 yen.” He grinned up at Aren, his eyes alive and the reflections of the street lights dancing in them.

 

“Uh, yeah, we could maybe get a drink or something,” Aren said, ignoring the weird flipping feeling in his stomach. Maybe he’d eaten something funny during the day. They had tried some weird samples at the small shops they visited.

 

“I think there was a vending machine back this way,” Shun pointed down the street, “Come on Aren.”  Shun reached out a small hand and wrapped it around his wrist giving it a little tug.

 

“Ooo, okay.” 

 

Aren let Shun lead him down the street for a while until Shun let go of his wrist. When he did so, Aren swung his arm around Shun and pulled him nice and close. Shun was small and warm, and fit snugly under Aren’s arm, tucked against his side. Having Shun there with him was more comforting than Aren was ever willing to admit. 

 

“So what do you want?” Shun held out his hand with the assortment of small change in it.

 

“Hmm, I don’t care, you get what you want.” Aren really didn’t mind, as long as Shun got a drink that he wanted Aren would be happy.

 

“We have to be tactical about this Aren, what happens if we get thirsty ?” Shun emphasised ‘thirsty’, as if it was some terrible thing that could happen.

 

“Okay, let's get two waters then?” It was only seven or so hours until they could go back inside, Aren could wait that long for a drink. Shun could have all the drinks he wanted.

 

“Yeah but what if we get hungry? Or we need caffeine?” Shun frowned deeply, “Aren! What happens if we fall asleep? The Dark Reunion™ might take advantage of that, one of us has to stay on the lookout.” Shun grabbed both of Aren’s wrists and squeezed them seriously.

 

“Okay, we can take turns, we won’t let our guard down,” Aren said just as seriously, using all his will power to not break out into a big grin. Aren wished he could see the world like Shun did. It seemed colourful and alive, always moving and never still. 

 

“Okay, then we should get some water and a can of coffee. We can share,” Shun said grinning at Aren as if he’d cracked the code to unlock the secrets of the universe.

 

“A nice tactical move.” Aren returned Shun’s smile.

 

“I thought you’d understand it’s importance, Aren. You’re a truly worthy comrade in the resistance. I will rely on you a lot, when the time comes.” Shun nodded, putting coins in the vending machine.

 

 They shared the can of coffee sitting side by side next to the vending machine. Aren disliked straight black coffee, but Shun never liked sugar in his coffee, so they compromised and got one with no sugar but milk. 

 

“Wait Aren,” Shun spoke up and Aren froze his hand with the empty coffee can outstretched over the recycling bin, “What if we need it?”

 

“What, the coffee can?” Aren didn’t move.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“For what?”

 

The question seemed to stump Shun for a moment and he thought about it.

 

“Hmm, I don’t know, but we might. We have to rely on nothing but what we have on us and our wits Aren. You might not see why we need it now, but later it could come in very handy,” Shun said as if it was the most serious but also obvious answer.

 

“You’re right Shun, nice planning.” Aren smiled and Shun grinned back up at Aren. His face seemed to light up at Aren’s praise and his eyes crinkled a little at the edges. 

 

Aren’s chest did the weird clenchy thing that it had been doing. It was starting to worry Aren, he should go see a doctor when they were back home.

 

The coffee can ended up in Aren’s pocket and they strolled around the area. Shun’s sense of direction was terrible so Aren was leading them. With Shun tucked under his arm, Aren led them along some residential streets, to a park where they swung on the swings for a bit, down a hill, and along a road adjacent to the ocean.

 

“Do you know what time it is?” Shun looked up at Aren who just shook his head. Neither of them wore a watch.

 

“Hmm,” Aren stopped walking, “Well looking at the position of the stars and the moon,” Aren paused, staring at the sky for dramatic effect, “I can confirm... that it is still night time.”

 

“Aren!” Shun gave him a shove, Shun was weak but Aren still stumbled backwards playfully. 

 

“Am I wrong?” Aren laughed.

 

Shun joined in giggling with Aren. When Shun lifted his head up to make eye contact with Aren, his mouth was pulled up into a big smile, his cheeks were dusted a light pink, and edges of his eyes crinkled slightly. 

 

Aren’s chest did the weird thing again and he put a hand to it rubbing the muscles there with a frown.

 

“What’s wrong?” Shun stepped forward, matching Aren’s frown, “Did The Dark Reunion™ do something?”

 

“No, I think I pulled the muscle here earlier today,” Aren said.

 

“Oh, are you okay?”

 

“Yeah I’ll be fine, just gotta stretch later.”

 

Shun looked at him for a few more seconds before turning away back to the sky.

 

“Now what?”

 

That was a good question. Aren assumed they still had quite a few hours left. The wind was cool, but the summer air was hot and humid. 

 

“Wanna go do the beach?” Aren turned his head down towards the beach below them.

 

“Yeah.”

 

The walk down to the beach took longer than expected as the road they were on didn’t lead down. Eventually Aren hopped the fence and jumped down the two or so meter drop. He had to do a little convincing but eventually Shun also climbed over the fence and jumped down. Aren promised to catch Shun but the angle he jumped meant that he crashed into Aren awkwardly and he fell backwards with Shun landing on top of him. 

 

They had to calm down from their giggling fit before they were able to stand. 

 

After taking off their shoes, they left them next to the wall and headed down to the water. Aren went in up to his knees, and Shun let the water flow over his ankles. Aren watched Shun, it was dark and with the street lights behind Shun it was hard to make out his expression, but it looked like he was enjoying the water.

 

Walking along the edge of the water, Aren wrapped an arm around Shun. The two walked until the street lights slowly disappeared and all that was left to light their path was the moonlight. It lit the world in shades of grey, Shun’s hair turning a light grey and swayed gently in the breeze coming off the ocean.

 

“Aren, I’m tired,” Shun said. They hadn’t spoken for a while and it was quite enough that Aren thought he might have misheard it over the sounds of the waves. However, Shun was looking up at him.

 

“We can rest here?” Aren looked around, there was a slight mound a little way up the beach where the sand met the grass that would be a good place to rest.

 

Shun nodded and Aren led them there.

 

“If you want to sleep, I’ll take the first look out?” 

 

Shun agreed, and lay down next to Aren. 

 

It didn’t take long for Shun’s breathing to slow down and fade into the sound of the ocean. 

 

He looked peaceful. It was strange because when Shun was in bed he pulled the sheets over his face and looked like a strangled suffocating mummy, but without the sheet it was very different. 

 

With nothing to do, Aren stared out over the ocean and let his mind wander. 

 

He walked through all he had done to get here, every fight he had fought, and how he had left that all behind him. Aren had tried his best to fit in, to rid the shame of his past life. It had been excruciatingly hard. In the beginning when he first moved to PK Gakuen he found that he had not struggled this hard, ever.

 

Nothing he did seemed to go right, and he wasn’t able to understand what people were saying. Everything they did seemed like they were from a completely different world to Aren, like he was visiting an alien planet. 

 

Aren hadn’t ever felt that lonely. The isolation was the hardest part, and he had spent many nights lying and staring at the ceiling trying to understand everything. Questioning his decisions. Perhaps he just hadn’t been cut out for normal life.

 

He had been so close to giving up, and then Shun had offered his friendship. 

 

A single handshake.  

 

Aren hadn’t realised that one simple handshake could mean that much. He had never received a gift that made him as happy as that handshake did.  

 

Shun.

 

Small.

 

Weak.

 

Full of life.

 

Kind.

 

Soft.

 

Silly.

 

Funny.

 

Smart.

 

Strong.

 

Happy.

 

Fun.

 

Cute.

 

Strange.

 

Tenacious.

 

Dedicated.

 

Loyal.

 

Brave.

 

Selfless.

 

Caring. 

 

Warm.

 

Honest.

 

Open.

 

Compassionate.

 

Loving.

 

As Aren contemplated his small friend, he looked out across the ocean at the thin line where the ocean meets the sky. It was no longer glowing softly as it had been before. The sun had begun sticking out above the horizon and the sky was lighting up. Aren watched as the orange light stretched out across the water in front of him.

 

Aren knew Shun would like to watch the sun rise. 

 

Tearing his eyes from the scene in front of him, Aren turned to his best friend.

 

The soft morning sun lit up Shun’s face in hues of gold. Shun’s eyes were still shut and his eye lashes were dark against his skin. His mouth was relaxed and slightly open, his lips looked soft and silky. Shun’s normally pale skin had turned almost golden and shimmered in the sun. His eyebrows, that normally held as much expression as the rest of his face, sat relaxed softly above his eyes. When the cool breeze blew Shun’s hair swayed gently, stray bits trailing across his forehead. 

 

Looking down at Shun, Aren’s chest did the weird clenching thing again but this time his stomach did a little flip too.

 

“Beautiful.” 

 

It came out as a whisper.

 

“Aren?” 

 

Shun was looking up at Aren, blinking a few times against the sunlight. The water simmered as reflections in Shun’s eyes.

 

Aren opened his mouth but no words came out.

 

Neither one of them moved. 

 

After a few moments went past, where Aren was sure his heart might explode, Shun tore his gaze from Aren and sat up. He didn’t look back to Aren but out across the ocean to the sunrise. 

 

“Hmm.” Shun nodded his head once, “beautiful.” The last word was a whisper.

 

Aren was unable to tear his eyes from Shun.

 

He had finally figured out why his chest had been doing that weird clenching thing whenever he was around Shun.

 

~~~

 

Bubbling laughter rose from Shun’s chest and he leant forward to bury his face against Aren’s chest again. He felt like his heart might explode. He didn’t know he could feel this much anymore.

 

“What?” Aren said, half offended, half joking.

 

“Same.”

 

“Seriously?”

 

“Seriously.”

 

Laughter matching Shun’s grew from Aren’s chest, it made Shun’s head bob slightly everytime Aren took a breath. The sound was deep and warm in Shun’s ears, and filled him with such joy. The kind that makes the world slow down and fall away. 

 

“What’ve we been doing?” Aren’s voice rumbled in his chest next to Shun’s ears.

 

“I don’t know.” 

 

***

 

Aren left Friday when his mother came home. She eyes Shun suspiciously but they had finished the work and so she had nothing to say or complain about. 

 

After his shower on Saturday morning he found his phone sitting on his desk. No note, and his mother didn’t address it. Shun knew not to question anything his mother did, he was just glad to have it back.

 

Saturday flew by, his mother gave him more homework than was viable so Shun was left with almost no time to do anything. He did text Aren before he had a shower, and after he ate, and before he went to bed, and every time he finished a work sheet.

 

Sunday he had less work and Shun was very glad. It meant that he didn’t actually have to rush like a maniac to finish the work. 

 

It also meant he had time to think about what happened on Friday.

 

Aren liked Shun.

 

Aren: his best friend.

 

Liked: in the romantic sense.

 

Shun: him.

 

Aren liked Shun!

 

Aren!

 

Liked!

 

Shun!

 

Just the thought of it brought a smile to his face.

 

It was ten at night, but Shun picked his phone up anyway and opened his chat with Saiki.

 

TJBW : Hey Saiki

TJBW: I just wanted to say

TJBW: You were right

 

S: Yare yare

S: I always am 

S: Be more specific

 

TJBW: About Aren

TJBW: He doesn’t hate me

TJBW: It’s the exact opposite

TJBW: 👉👈

 

S: I told you

 

TJBW: Thank you 

TJBW: You’re the best

TJBW: I love you

 

S: 👍

 

Shun truly meant it. 

 

He really did love Saiki— in a very platonic way—  but that didn’t mean it wasn’t important. Shun knew that deep down Saiki loved Shun, too. He was just way too stubborn to admit it. Shun would do anything for Saiki, and he knew that Saiki would do anything for him. 

 

Saiki was Shun’s first proper friend and he was eternally grateful for everything he’s ever done for Shun.

 

***

 

On Monday morning Aren was waiting, as he always was, for Shun at his gate.

 

Shun was so excited to see Aren. He hadn’t seen him since Friday; which wasn’t that long, but he had found out that Aren liked him. It wasn’t a hopeless one sided crush that was going to end a friendship. It made the moths in his stomach flutter and his heartbeat a little faster.

 

Sora had given him some long and pointed looks across the weekend, and as he left for school she had even given him a wink.

 

“Aren,” Shun said as he opened the gate, he was suddenly really nervous. They hadn’t actually talked about dating or anything like that. Surely they were though, right? Shun didn’t know. He didn’t like not knowing things.

 

“Hey.” Aren hesitated for a moment.

 

“Hey.”

 

Stepping forwards, Aren pulled Shun into a hug. It was warm and tight, and made Shun’s whole stomach do a flip, he hoped the moths in there didn’t get squished.

 

“Morning,” Aren said, resting his head against the top of Shun’s.

 

“Good morning, Aren.”

 

“It is when I get to see you.” 

 

Feeling his entire face heat up, Shun let out a little laugh. He didn’t know you could feel this giddy with only a few words. He had to take a moment to calm himself.

 

“Come on, or we’ll be late,” Shun said as he pulled out of the hug and took a step back, he was sure his entire face was bright red now.

 

“Okay.” Aren took a step towards Shun.

 

Shun was prepared for Aren to sling his arm around him.

 

He was not prepared for what Aren actually did.

 

Aren leant in a little and reached out, linking their fingers together. 

 

Shun’s hand felt small in Aren’s large one. His hand was warm and firm.

 

Aren took a step forwards, giving Shun’s hand a tug.

 

“Coming?” With a small tilt of his head, Aren gave him a blinding smile, as if he hadn’t just made Shun’s heart skip several beats.

 

Shun couldn’t find words so he just nodded and stepped up next to Aren.

 

***

 

As the summer holidays got closer, Shun got increasingly busier. It was now less than six months until the university entrance exams and Shun’s mother was putting more and more pressure on him.

 

It was hard, again he was eating less and sleeping less. Which meant that he was always tired. Aren was still only allowed to study with Shun one day a week which felt like torture. Knowing that Aren liked him back and not being able to see him was tough. It wasn’t good for his mental health either.

 

The more time Shun spent alone the worse it got. The more he doubted himself and the world around him. The future looked worse and bleeker. Every second Shun spent alone in his room, staring down and piles of endless homework, seemed to seep out every bit of hope Shun had for the future. 

 

Being alone meant that Aren wasn’t with him and when Aren wasn’t with Shun it almost felt like Aren liking him was a dream. That it never really happened. Shun would pull out his phone and look over their texts to solidify it. That was okay. 

 

What was starting to happen was Shun had fallen back to believing that he didn’t deserve Aren’s love. He wasn’t worthy. Shun wasn’t strong, or brave, or clever, or smart, or cool, or anything. He was a burden and even if for some reason Aren liked him now, he would soon realise that Shun wasn’t great and he wasn’t worthy of Aren’s love. 

 

Then Aren would leave him.

 

He should.

 

Shun didn’t deserve Aren, he wasn’t worthy.

 

But Aren still liked him.

 

It made Shun want to scream with joy and sob in anguish. 

 

He didn’t know if he could live anymore if Aren was taken from him. If someone took the happiness that Aren brought from him.

 

It was three am and Shun felt himself spiraling. He had finished his work about twenty minutes ago and was lying in bed, and although he was exhausted his brain would not shut off. He couldn’t get it to stop. 

 

Shun shut his eyes tightly and buried his face into the pillow trying to push away the oppressing despair engulfing his chest. Everything was just so overwhelming and Shun felt like he was drowning again. The end of semester exams were closing in, which meant the pressure was on. 

 

Reaching out, Shun felt around in the dark for his phone. He turned the screen on and squinted against the light. After a minute of staring at the home screen he opened LINE and pulled up his chat with Aren. 

 

S: Hey

S: Are you up?

 

There was no reply. 

 

Shun shut his eyes tightly trying to regulate his breathing. The hot air in his room didn’t help and Shun kicked off the sheet that was over his legs.  Everything was too pressing and he didn’t want anything touching him. He rolled onto his side, brought his legs up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. 

 

From next to his pillow, Shun’s phone lit up and started to vibrate indicating a call.

 

It was Aren. 

 

His heart skipped a beat and he suddenly felt guilty. It was so late and Shun didn’t really have a proper reason for contacting Aren. Shun knew that he was one of the ‘do not disturb’ exceptions. He knew Aren would probably wake up at his message. 

 

He answered the phone. 

 

“Shun?” Aren sounded tired and his voice was raspy. Shun was sure had just woken up.

 

Clamping his jaw down, Shun fought back tears. Why was he like this? Why did he have to wake up Aren like this? He didn’t even have a reason. Aren didn’t deserve to have to deal with Shun and all his bullshit. 

 

“Shun?” Aren’s voice was softer now. It sounded like a hug.

 

He wasn’t able to open his mouth, Shun was sure if he did it wouldn’t be anything but a sob.

 

“Shun?” It was strained and laced with concern. Shun had upset Aren again. 

 

“Sorry.” Shun finally managed to choke out through the lump in his throat. 

 

“What’s wrong?” Aren said. He sounded stressed and Shun could hear rustling on the other end.

 

“I’m sorry,” Shun said again, it came out as a half sob.

 

“Shun? What’s wrong?” There was more rustling and a thud on the other end, “Are you okay?”

 

Clamping his mouth shut, Shun kept the sobs at bay. He tried to swallow but he couldn’t rid the lump in his throat. Everything was just overwhelming.

 

“Are you okay? Do you need me to come get you?” The sound of draws being opened and closed came across the phone clearly, “Are you okay? I’m going to message Sora.”

 

Shun balled his fists and pressed them into his eyes, willing the tears away. He tried to swallow all the feelings in his throat that were stopping anything other than a sob come out of his mouth.

 

“Stay there, I’m going to come get you, okay?” Aren sounded panicked and there was more shuffling on the other end. 

 

“I’m in bed,” his voice shook but there was only a little bit of a sob interrupting his words, “I’m okay.” 

 

“You don’t sound okay,” Aren said, the sounds on the other end stilling. 

 

Taking a moment to take a few breaths Shun tried to calm down.

 

“I-I’m not, but I am,” Shun said, and it made no sense but it was true. 

 

“I’m gonna come over okay?” 

 

“No, I, it’s okay,” it wasn’t okay— nothing was okay, “I just wanted to hear your voice.” Tears spilled from Shun’s eyes when he blinked. 

 

“Okay, we can just talk if you want,” Aren paused, “as long as you’re safe.”

 

Shun didn’t reply, and Aren didn’t press him for an answer. They sat in the silence for a moment before Shun heard more rustling on Aren’s end. 

 

“Hang on a sec, yeah?” Aren said and Shun heard fabric sounds, some more rustling and then there was silence.

 

“Aren?”

 

“Hey, I’m back in bed now.” Aren sounded calm on the other side of the phone. He sounded strong. 

 

“Good.” 

 

“Are you lying down?”

 

“Yeah.” Shun nodded even though Aren couldn’t see.

 

“Are you lying on your side?” 

 

“Um, yeah.” 

 

“Which way are you facing?” 

 

“Facing left?” Shun frowned at Aren’s question but answered anyway.

 

“Okay,” there was more rustling, “Now I'm lying facing right. So we can pretend we’re lying next to each other.”

 

Feeling another layer of overwhelmed Shun shut his eyes releasing the tears that had once again built up. Shun tried to pretend that Aren was there, right next to him. He focused on Aren’s breathing.

 

“Aren?”

 

“Mm?”

 

“I can’t do it any more.”

 

There was a soft sigh over the phone before Aren spoke up.

 

“We can figure it out. What can’t you do?” Aren was calm and steady.

 

“Everything,” a soft sob slipped through Shun’s lips, “School, study, wake up, just— live . I’m exhausted, Aren— so tired. I can’t do it any more.”

 

“Shun?” Aren’s voice wavered. “Can you do something for me?”

 

“Hm?” 

 

“Can you wake up tomorrow, for me? And— I’ll be waiting I promise,” Aren said. His tone was calm but his voice betrayed him, it was laced with distress. 

 

“I— maybe— I just—”

 

“Please?”

 

Shun took a moment to swallow back any sob that tried to escape his throat before he opened his mouth again to reply.

 

“Okay.”

 

“We can do it together— every day— until you can on your own. You’re not alone. I promise.”

 

***   

 

True to his word, Aren had met Shun outside his house the next morning. They walked to school together, they spent breaks together, and ate lunch together. It was just like every other day, but Shun still drew strength from it. At the chime, they collected their things and left school together.

 

The rainy season had ended but left around a suffocating blanket of humidity. The afternoon sun still carried a penetrating heat and if he had to be in the sun any longer than the walk home, Shun was sure he would get sunburnt. His shirt clung to the small of his back where sweat had pooled and Aren’s arm was hot against his neck. When the wind blew it was hot and made Shun’s fringe stick to his forehead.

 

Shun didn’t like the heat, it made him agitated, but the heat wasn’t the current reason. Aren’s arm around him; despite just making Shun hotter, was giving him strength. 

 

He was going home to face his mother.

 

After another strong gust of wind, Shun reached up to unstick the hair that’d just been blown there. Sweat transferred from his damp forehead to his hand and he wiped it on his school shirt. He could already feel the sweat building on his forehead again.

 

Taking a moment, Shun looked up at Aren wondering if the heat was bothering him as much as Shun, or if most of it was the thought of what awaited him at home.

 

Aren didn’t seem as affected by the heat as Shun was. Like Shun, he had little beads of sweat resting on his temples and bits of hair stuck there, too. However, he looked relaxed as if it wasn’t an eighty nine percent humidity, thirty four degree day. 

 

Having noticed Shun looking at him for a little too long, Aren turned his eyes to Shun and raised an eyebrow. It was a question and Shun didn’t have an answer so he just shook his head. With a chuckle, Aren gave Shun a smile before he turned his eyes forward again.

 

Shun felt his moths come out to play again, Aren liked Shun. He had said I love you to Shun, just the thought made his heart skip a beat. This incredible human, a real life person, liked Shun. In a way that no one has before, in a way that set his whole being a light; hotter than any summer’s day. 

 

It was thrilling and terrifying.

 

Shun loved Aren’s arm around him, he felt safe and calm. However, they did that as friends and now they were; something more. Whatever this was, it was incredibly new and it was unspoken that they weren’t going to just tell everyone at school. Shun had told Saiki, but that’s different. 

 

They were far enough away from school now that no one was around.

 

After tapping his finger on Aren’s thigh twice, Aren looked down at him. Shun opened his mouth but no words came out, he just froze as a wave of embarrassment washed over him. His already burning skin heated up more.

 

Aren tilted his head a little and smiled.

 

Trying once again, Shun opened his mouth but the words he was looking for refused to come out.

 

Aren’s breathy chuckle filled the air, it made the moths dance around and Shun decided to give up on words.

 

Looking away from Aren, Shun raised his hand with his palm face up and fingers spread out. Even the action made Shun embarrassed.

 

For a moment, Aren froze and Shun regretted his entire existence. 

 

It passed and Aren removed his arm from Shun’s shoulder and Shun saw out of the corner of his eye that Aren had raised his hand to his face. Finding the courage, Shun looked up at Aren. He had his fist balled up and pressed against his mouth, his eyes were wide, and his cheeks were so red it looked like he had run a marathon on a forty degree day. 

 

“Do you want my heart to give out?” Aren said, turning to Shun.

 

“Eh?” That wasn’t at all what Shun was expecting and it made him nervous, his hand wavering in the air.

 

“It’s just my boyfriend is too cute and I think my heart will explode.” Aren brought his hand up to Shun’s and linked their fingers together then gave Shun’s hand a squeeze before lowering them back down between them.

 

Boyfriend.

 

Boyfriend. 

 

Aren was Shun’s boyfriend.

 

Shun wasn’t sure his heart would hold out either.

 

Aren’s hand was hot against Shun’s and he wasn’t sure if it was his hand that was clammy or Aren’s, or if it was both of them. It didn’t matter to Shun though, and it definitely didn’t matter to those persistent moths in his stomach.

 

They walked the rest of the way home in silence, Shun would occasionally run his thumb along Aren’s index finger as if trying to memorise it and Aren would ever so often give Shun’s hand a squeeze. 

 

When they arrived outside Shun’s house his stomach began to turn, not in the good way that Aren makes it do, in dread.

 

“Hey, are you sure you don’t want me to be there with you?” Aren looked down at Shun with a frown.

 

“No, I have to do this on my own,” Shun said. He desperately wanted Aren there, but this was his and his alone.

 

“Okay.” Aren gripped Shun’s hand tightly and Shun squeezed back.

 

Locking eyes, Aren slowly leant down. Shun’s heart skipped a beat and set off on a race.

 

This would be his first kiss and Shun was never going to admit that he had thought about it a few too many times.

 

Aren pressed his lips to Shun’s sweaty forehead, instead. 

 

Shun froze. His entire head felt like he’d shoved it straight into a fire pit. He wasn’t sure what was more embarrassing; that Aren had just kissed his super sweaty gross forehead or that he’d expected lips against his own. 

 

“There, now you have all my strength,” Aren said. 

 

When he pulled back and Shun worked up the courage to look at Aren, they locked eyes. Aren’s face was even redder than before. He had his free hand up next to his cheek tapping gently and gave Shun a sheepish grin. 

 

Shun wondered if he had originally planned to kiss Shun but lost courage at the last minute. Shun knew that he probably would have if it was him. 

 

He tried, but failed, to stifle a giggle that bubbled up from within him. Shun leaned forward and bopped his forehead against Aren’s chest. Aren’s laugh was loud in Shun’s ears, and drowned out the fear that was building.

 

Unlinking their hands, Aren wrapped his arms around Shun. It was hot and sticky but it was safe and calming.

 

“I believe in you.”

 

***

 

“No, I don’t want to.” Shun stood on the other side of the table from his mother, he had his feet shoulder width apart trying to ground himself. 

 

His mother had not reacted well to Shun saying that he wanted to pursue writing. She had started raising her voice immediately. Shun had tried to remain calm. It was hard. There was a lump in his throat he had to speak around and a churning in his stomach that wouldn’t let up.

 

“We all do things we don’t want to do, suck it up.” His mother had her hands on her hips and her face was contorted into a frown.

 

“B-but it’s my life, and I don’t want to do that.” Shun had to fight every urge to run away, to give in.

 

“I gave you this life, I work my arse off every day just to put food on the table. To put a roof over your head,” his mother paused, “Don’t be a selfish spoilt brat.”

 

“I-I know but I never asked for it, and— I want to—” His mother cut him off, her voice was raised much more than his.

 

“I wanted to continue with my career, but I didn’t. I gave up everything for you.” She stepped to walk around the table. Shun unconsciously slid around so he still had the whole table between them.

 

“I— I didn’t ask for you to do that,” Shun said.

 

“I didn’t ask for a disappointment, but we don’t always get what we want.” His mother’s words cut deep into Shun and he felt tears welling in his eyes.

 

“What? Did I upset you? It’s just the truth,” His mother said, stepping around the table again. Shun followed to maintain the distance between them.

 

“No, it’s not.” Shun stood his ground, every part of him was screaming at him. 

 

The ugly and cruel version of himself inside was agreeing that he is a failure and a disappointment. Shun didn’t let that win, he couldn’t. He was at the end and there was nowhere else to go. In his mind he replayed every time Sora had hugged him and said he’d done well, every time Saiki had given him a nod of approval and walked him home, every time any of his friends told him he was smart, every time Aren hugged him and told Shun he was proud. 

 

He drew on that strength.

 

Shun’s mother laughed. It was bitter and biting, it was vicious.

 

“Life doesn’t go the way you want and you don’t get what you want. You should learn that quickly.” She shook her head.

 

“That’s not what I meant,” Shun said, lowering his voice back to a normal level. Shun was aware of Sora sitting in the corner of the living room watching them and Toki upstairs in his room. He didn’t want to hurt them.

 

“Well, what do you mean?” It was sarcastic and cruel. Shun dug his fingernails into the palms of his hands, he wouldn’t cry.

 

“I’m not a disappointment.” Shun felt the anxiety building in him, his heart was racing and he kept failing to swallow the lump in his throat.

 

After about fifteen seconds of sarcastic laughing from his mother, she turned back to Shun, her face was cold and eyes dead.

 

“Oh my sweet child, you really are. I’m sorry you can’t see that.” 

 

“I’m not.” Shun’s hands shook by his side and he used every ounce of his will power to stay there, to not back down.

 

His mother huffed and rolled her eyes, turning away from him. She shook her head as she turned back to the kitchen bench. That was her way of ending conversations she didn’t want to be a part of anymore. 

 

“I won’t go to law school.” Shun wasn’t letting her end the conversation, he had come this far and no matter how much he wanted to throw up or cry he wasn’t going to back down.

 

“Yes, you will.” His mother turned around, her voice was angrier than before. Her jaw was twitching, which Shun knew that only happens when she’s really angry.

 

“No, I won’t.” Shun tried to take calm deep breaths, but he couldn’t drag in enough air; it barely felt like his chest could expand to let the air in.

 

“If you love me, you will.” His mother was cruel, truly, and it made Shun waver slightly. He took a few deep breaths and thought about the people who loved him, who really did. 

 

“If you love me, you won’t make me.”

 

This upset his mother greatly. Her face was growing redder by the second and her jaw was clenching rapidly. She stomped around the table towards Shun.

 

“All you do is complain and whine. You’re ungrateful. I’m ashamed that you’re my son.” 

 

Shun scuttled around the table away from her, any words he had to return were stuck in his throat. He just shook his head.

 

“If you understood why I’m doing this— that it’s for your own good— you would agree with me,” She said, still following Shun around the table.

 

“No.” It’s all Shun could manage.

 

“You should be thankful, incredibly grateful, for everything I do for you. There are people out there who would give an arm and a leg to attend the schools you will.” His mother was yelling again.

 

“I don’t want to be a lawyer.” Shun couldn’t help but raise his voice again.

 

“I’m only doing this because I love you.” Nothing she did seemed to align with her statement.

 

“I won’t go.” Shun stood still and his mother stomped up to stand right in front of him. She was taller than him and glared down over him.

 

“You will.”

 

“No, I’m going to study writing.” Shun felt his entire body shaking. He could barely breathe. He was afraid and upset. He was hurting and terrified. 

 

He wouldn’t let her win.

 

“Not under my roof you won't.” His mother’s face was a bright red he’d had only ever seen such cruelty in her eyes once before; the night he returned from the hospital. 

 

“Fine.” It came out as a choked yell. Shun turned away from her and strode out of the kitchen.

 

“Good.” It was a bitter yell thrown at him.

 

Shun jogged up the stairs and into his room. He shut the door, put his back to it and slid down. He pressed his hands against his eyes trying to keep the tears out. Bile rose in his throat, but he managed to keep it down. Shun couldn’t keep doing this. 

 

He stood up slowly and looked around his room, his vision blurred as he fought back tears. Shun walked to his desk and started packing his school books, stationary, and textbooks into his school bag. His hands hesitated over the work books his mother gave him, but he left them as they were. 

 

From his closet, he grabbed a backpack. Shun stuffed in a handful of underwear, some socks, and a pyjama set. On top Shun threw in some t-shirts, a pair of jeans, and a few shorts. He zipped it up and placed it next to his school bag. 

 

After rummaging through the back of the closet Shun found a medium sized duffle bag and inside it he put both his summer and winter school uniforms, a jacket, a hoodie, and his favourite scarf. Shun grabbed his phone charger and made sure his wallet and phone were in his bag. 

 

Shun looked around the room for anything else he might need.

 

There was an old photo of Sora, Toki, and him, taped to his desk so he carefully took that off and put it in his school bag. The two Omamori s Aren had bought Shun were already in his bag.

 

There was nothing else.

 

He stood there for a moment, staring at his desk. He used the back of his hand to wipe away the tears that spilt out, he didn’t make a sound. 

 

After gathering the strength and courage to do what he was going to do— what he had to do— Shun put on the backpack, slung the school bag over his shoulder, and picked up the duffle bag. Shun looked around his room and took a deep breath, the alarm clock read 22:39. 

 

Opening his bedroom door, Shun strode down the hallway and ran down the stairs. In the entrance way Shun unzipped the duffle bag and shoved his school shoes in. He then started pulling on a pair of joggers.

 

Having heard the commotion both his mother and Sora came into the entrance way. They both took a moment to understand what was happening. Sora’s eyes filled with tears and his mother’s face grew dark.

 

“What do you think you are doing?” His mother’s voice was louder than it had been all evening. Both Sora and Shun shrunk back a little at the sudden volume.

 

“You said, ‘ not under my roo f’ so,” Shun took a deep breath, “I won’t do it under your roof.”

 

“I don’t think you understand what you’re saying.” His mother took a step towards him and Shun took one backwards towards the door.

 

“I do.” Shun wouldn’t raise his voice like his mother was.

 

Movement at the top of the stairs drew Shun’s attention, Toki was standing there. The shouting had woken him. Shun had to try to fight back tears as he saw Toki’s face slowly warp and change expression as he reacted to the situation. Toki might not know exactly what was going on, but he could definitely understand all the emotions. 

 

It hurt.

 

“If you leave, you’re never welcome back here.” His mother’s voice was cold and low. She wasn’t yelling anymore. It was a warning. 

 

It froze Shun for a moment. He looked up to Toki, who looked as close to tears as Shun felt. Then he turned to Sora, her lips were pressed together tightly and she already had tear trails on her cheeks. 

 

Shun couldn’t do this.

 

Sora opened her mouth and whispered into the air.

 

‘ Go’

 

Shun shook his head.

 

‘Go’

 

Shun shook his head harder.

 

‘ Please’

 

Tears down her cheeks, Sora pleaded with Shun; for him to have a better life. Maybe that's what she had wanted for him the moment he had come home from hospital. In the end he would leave her as he had come home to her; a little sister wanting nothing more than her brother to be okay.

 

Shun nodded.

 

Clenching the duffle bag in his hand Shun reached for the doorknob, it was cold in his sweaty palm.

 

“ Shun.” His mother hissed out his name.

 

Nothing had ever been as daunting as opening the front door at that very moment. 

 

After a deep breath Shun turned the knob, it twisted as smoothly as it normally did and the door opened just as it had done every day of his life. He stepped through the door and let it shut behind him. Shun walked down the small path and then out the gate. 

 

The air was still hot and humid. It was just as suffocating as it had been at lunch that day. The breeze; however, was cool and it provided some relief. Shun dropped his bag and fell to his knees next to the gate. He pressed his mouth against his arm to stifle a sob, the wind making the tears down his face cold.

 

Unease built up in Shun’s stomach and he started to feel sick. Holding in any cries wanting to escape his lungs, he raised a shaking hand and clawed away the tears. He couldn’t be here. Outside the house, he felt like he was going to suffocate under the oppressing power it held over him.

 

Shun stood on shaky legs and pulled out his phone. He texted Aren an ‘ are you awake?’ but got no immediate response. After putting the phone back in his bag, Shun stood for a moment; wondering if he had made the right choice.

 

—Move out— 

 

Shun heard Aren’s words echo inside his head and he gripped the bag tightly in his hand.

 

—Come live with me—

 

Closing his eyes, Shun willed away the tears building up again. He took a step forward.

 

—You can stay at my house until we graduate—

 

At the end of Shun’s street, he didn’t turn back to look where he had come from.

 

—When we graduate we can get an apartment—

 

Shun’s chest constricted and it was hard to breath through the heavy humid air, but it felt like there was something lifted from his back. 

 

—We can work and save up so you can attend uni, too—    

 

Each step Shun took was quicker than the one prior. Each step adding more and more pace. More energy.

 

— We can work it out—  

 

Aren had always said we . It was always them together. Shun had never realised it before.

 

—We can get through it—

 

Every step Shun took carried him closer to Aren. Sweat started to drip down Shun’s temples as he ran, some fell into his eyes but he used the back of his hand to wipe them off.

 

—I won’t leave you—

 

His muscles burnt but Shun didn’t stop running. 

 

—You’re not alone—

 

Every breath Shun took wasn’t enough, his lungs were still screaming for air and he felt like his chest wouldn’t expand to let any air in. Shun had never run this hard in his life and he felt like his heart would give out it was slamming in his chest so hard.

 

—I love you—

 

As Shun rounded the corner to Aren’s house Aren was stepping out of the gate. He was looking down at his phone with a deep frown and didn’t notice Shun until he was only a meter or so away.

 

“Shun?” 

 

Aren managed to say before Shun dropped his bags and launched himself into Aren. Aren caught Shun and Shun utilised the movement to lean up a little and crash his lips against Aren’s. Their noses bumped and if it was different circumstances Shun might have worried he had cut or bruised his or Aren’s lips. Aren froze and it was only a brief kiss because Shun’s lungs were still demanding for more air than he could take in.

 

When Shun pulled back, Aren seemed to gain the use of his body again and put Shun down. Shun took a moment to just suck in as much air as possible, and looked up at Aren.

 

His cheeks were a bright pink, eyes open wide, and mouth ajar a little. He was shocked. Shun wasn’t sure if it was because; Shun had just shown up and launched himself at Aren, that they had just had their first kiss, or that it had been fairly violent. 

 

Air started flowing easier into Shun’s lungs as he stood in front of Aren, who had finally broken their eye contact. Shun watched Aren’s eyes rake over him and then to the bags on the ground around him. He watched as Aren’s shocked expression morphed as he started to understand the situation. 

 

Aren’s expression settled on sadness and Shun’s vision blurred as his eyes filled with tears. Shun looked down and a soft sob left his mouth, it was only a fraction of a moment before he was pulled into a crushing hug.

 

“It’s okay,” Aren said.

 

Shun buried his face in Aren’s chest and let out all the sadness and pain that had built up. All the anguish and despair that had engulfed him in that house, it all slowly melted away in Aren’s arms.

 

Aren pressed a soft kiss into Shun’s hair.

 

“You’re safe, now.” 

 

Moving his arms from his sides, Shun wrapped them around Aren’s waist. Aren’s shirt there was damp with sweat and it stuck to the skin, and Shun gripped it with all his might. 

 

Another soft kiss to Shun’s head.

 

“You’re home.” 

 

Breaths slowly stopped coming out as sobs and gasps and Shun’s tears eventually stopped falling. Shun’s heart rate slowed and he focused on matching his breathing with Aren’s. Letting Aren’s hand slowly rubbing circles on Shun’s back calm him, Shun pressed his ear to Aren’s chest and listened to his heart beating. It was strong and alive.

 

Leaning back a little so he could look up, Shun made eye contact with Aren and he gave Shun a soft smile which he was able to return.

 

A few moments passed and Aren moved one of his hands to the hair on the nape of Shun’s neck and ran his fingers through it twice before he leant down slowly. Shun’s heart skipped a beat; the moths in his tummy fluttered awake again, and he stretched up to meet Aren half way.

 

This kiss was softer. 

 

It was warm and made Shun’s heart hurt because it was so wonderful. Aren’s lips were soft but firm, and it was exhilarating. It set his whole being alight and made his heart explode with what could only describe as rich vibrant colours.

 

Aren moved his lips and tilted his head one way as Shun had the same idea and their noses bumped. Shun’s mouth turned up in a smile and he felt Aren’s do the same against his, they both let out a breathy laugh. 

 

Seizing the opportunity Aren pulled Shun’s head back in and deepened the kiss. Shun let himself get lost in Aren and everything he made Shun feel.

 

Wrapped in Aren’s arms he was home.

 

He was alive.

Notes:

I hope you enjoyed it!!
This is the end of the main story, but I will be writing an epilogue!! And I wanna know if you guys would be interested in some ✨Sexy Times™✨ not to worry they will defintely N O T be minors, as someone who is not a teen I'm just a little not chill about writing underage stuff. (But yeah I set the rating high ✨just in case✨)

I'm sorry not sorry it was kinda p angsty rip. The epilogue is only good feels, I promise.

It's like 3 am I don't remember what other things I wanted to say. Excpet that I refuse to write Japanese long vows in English like Kaidou or Ryouri bc it just bothers me heaps lmao. Not as much as the fact that 90% of the time you use the u character to make the o character long vow EXCEPT when you use the o. Language is dumb and I love it so much.

I digress.

I REALLY HOPE YOU'VE ENJOYED IT!! I'VE REALLY ENJOYED WRITING THIS! Keep an eye out for the epilogue.
Kudos and comments fuel my soul (and my writing battery)

Chapter 9: Epilogue

Notes:

Hello my loves! It’s a Christmas miracle!
Guess who’s finally back with the epilogue she promised like three months ago? Me…
I’m so sorry to have kept you all waiting like this! I hope you’ve all been well.
It’s been a long year and I hope you find some respite over this holiday period.

I clearly have no idea how an epilogue works as it’s ended up being over 13k… oops. I hope you’ve enjoyed this story even half as much as I have writing it. Thank you to everyone who has left comments and kudos, it means so much.

Anyway, here's an early Christmas present from me to you, I hope you enjoy it.

(also TW: Mild-Smut, mentions depressive episodes and past abuse)

“I’m home.” Shun looked up as Aren’s voice traveled through the house from the entrance way.

 

“Aren.” Shun called out as he hopped up from where he was reading on the couch and bounded towards the door. He was The Jet Black Wings™ and so he definitely skipped in excitement to see his boyfriend.

 

They had been dating for just under six years now and even though the moths in his stomach had settled down the majority of the time, Shun still got excited whenever Aren came home. Sometimes it still felt like a dream.

 

“Hey babe,” Aren said after Shun turned the corner and stopped in front of him; with Aren still down in the entrance way and Shun standing up on the floor they were at eye level.

 

Aren wrapped his arm around Shun’s waist and pulled him flush against his chest, then leant in and pressed a soft brief kiss to Shun’s cheek. After pulling back Aren flopped his head down onto Shun’s shoulder, pressing his face into Shun’s neck. He didn’t move.

 

“Aren?”

 

“I’m just recharging,” Aren said, voice muffled by Shun’s neck.

 

Shun just laughed and wrapped his arms around Aren.

 

They stayed standing in the entrance way and Shun didn’t let go of Aren until he pulled back. When he did, Aren took a moment to look at Shun before he leant back in and brushed his lips to Shun’s. Wrapping his arms around Aren’s neck, Shun tugged his head closer and deepened the kiss. Aren’s mouth was warm and familiar against his own and despite having kissed so many times before it still made his heart scream and the moths in his tummy flutter.

 

Before the kiss could heat up anymore than it already had, Aren broke it off with a final soft brush of their lips, slipped off his shoes and headed inside. Shun followed him.

 

“They won’t stop calling me Kubo-Sen, even though I always correct them they never call me Kuboyasu-Sensei,” Aren said as he plonked his bag down on the coffee table. Shun chuckled and sat down on the couch.

 

“I don’t know why they gave me a highschool third year class as my first home room class,” Aren spoke again as he rummaged through his bag. Once he had found what he was looking for he held his hand out and gave Shun a packet of snacks.

 

“Look what my students gave me,” Aren said, tapping the bag and Shun looked at it closely.

 

The bag was a packet of shrimp crackers— Ebisen — except taped over the Ebi was a piece of paper that read ‘ Kubo’ and taped over the picture of the shrimp was a— fairly accurate— caricature of Aren.

 

Before Shun could stop it, a chuckle slipped out of his mouth. Feeling a little guilty for laughing he looked up at Aren who looked incredibly offended. Unfortunately, seeing the pout on Aren’s face set Shun off into a full blown laughing fit.

 

Once his laughter subsided Shun looked up to Aren who was still pouting down at him.

 

“You gotta admit, that it’s pretty creative, and whoever did the drawing is pretty talented. Besides, I love Ebisen,” Shun said and handed the ‘Kubo-sen’ crackers back to Kubo-Sen.

 

“That’s not the point.” Aren crossed his arms with a stern look on his face. 

 

“I love Ebisen but I definitely love Kubo-Sen a lot more.” Shun gave Aren his sweetest smile.

 

Aren rolled his eyes and turned away, but not before Shun could catch a glance of the smile spreading across Aren’s face. 

 

“I love you, too.” Aren mumbled the words sounding as sullen as he could while he headed to the kitchen.

 

Shun took a moment to bask in the love he felt every day with Aren by his side.

 

“Hey, did you finish your essay?” Aren said. 

 

The kitchen was connected to the living room, with a small counter with cupboards above it separating the two rooms and Shun could see Aren pulling things out of the fridge and placing them on the counter top.

 

“No, not yet.”

 

“Okay, you keep working and I’ll make dinner?” Aren phrased it as a question but it wasn’t really.

 

“Yeah, thank you.” Shun stood up and headed to the study.

 

In their two bedroom apartment they had converted the second room into a study and Shun had his laptop and study things in there. He would have prefered to study in the living room with Aren right there where he could see him and just be together , even if they were doing separate things. Being in a relationship doesn’t equal doing the same thing together all the time, it means being able to do different things together or alone if that’s what you feel like. It’s respecting boundaries and understanding that they aren’t your other half because you’re a whole person yourself and they only add extra fantastic things to your life. They don’t ‘complete’ you because you’re not incomplete . 

 

Aren taught him that.

 

However, studying in the same room as Aren wasn’t a good idea because Shun would spend the whole time looking at Aren and none of it writing his essay. 

 

So instead he sucked it up, sat down in front of his laptop and turned his focus back to his essay.

 

After leaving home that suffocating summer night, Shun had spent the rest of highschool at Aren’s house. His parents were so loving and caring. They welcomed Shun into their house— and family— with bright smiles and open arms. It was safe and comfortable there. Shun finally felt like he could relax and rebounded well, having a space where he could figure himself out. It was one of the first places in his life where he needn’t be on edge the whole time.

 

Unlike Aren, Shun didn’t take any university entrance exams that year. 

 

Aren’s parents would pay his University fees, so they decided after much consideration that Aren would go to uni after they graduated and Shun would get a full-time casual job— he ended up working at a local grocery store— and Aren would get a part-time casual job— he helped out at Matsu’s ramen restaurant— and together they would save up for Shun to also attend uni. 

 

Staying at Aren’s parents house meant that they didn’t need to pay rent, which was one less thing Shun needed to think about; however, it did make Shun feel a little guilty and like he was a burded sometimes. 

 

This, along with the want to keep the stress and pressure of Aren during his study, Shun took a second year off, working just as hard to save up more money. With the amount they had saved between them, they managed to save up enough to afford a small apartment of their own, along with two years of tuition for Shun.They would both work part-time during those two years to pay for their apartment. Aren would graduate at the end of those two years and get a proper job which would support them while Shun was completing his last two years of uni.

 

Not everything went according to plan. They weren’t able to get a cheap apartment when they wanted and when they did there were lots of issues, they had to borrow money from Aren’s parents for some things, but they were together and that gave them both strength. 

 

Of course they had their issues, a fights that resulted in tears, but once their heads cooled off they came back and talked it out calmly and always managed to find a compromise. It was hard at first but they worked on open and honest communication. Shun found this particularly difficult and frustrating, but Aren was patient and loving.

 

Shun was now in his third year of uni, studying creative writing, and Aren was now working his first year as an art teacher at a local public high school. Shun was still working part-time to supplement the income so that they could still have some savings to fall back on in case anything happened. 

 

It was tough sometimes, but Aren working meant that in test periods at uni and when Shun got busy, he was able to take time off from his part-time work and focus solely on his uni. They now both had more time for each other and it was less stressful in general. 

 

With Aren by his side, Shun felt invincible. 

 

“Hey, babe.” Aren’s voice carried down the hallway from the kitchen, and Shun looked up from his work.

 

“Hmm?” Shun stood up from his desk and stretched, he’d been working for about thirty minutes and could smell something delicious coming from the kitchen.

 

“What time’s your Psych appointment tomorrow?” 

 

Shun left the study and walked back to the living room. 

 

“Four fifty,” Shun said as he sat down on the couch. Aren glanced over at Shun as he entered the room but turned back to what he was cooking. 

 

“Okay, I’ll meet you there after you’re done.” 

 

“You don’t have to, you’ll be tired from work.”

 

“I know, but I want to,” Aren paused to look over and flashed Shun a blinding smile, “besides, what’s the point in having a super cute boyfriend if I can’t hold hands and walk home with him?”

 

“Is that all I’m good for?” Shun sighed dramatically.

 

“Hmmm, I can think of a few other things,” Aren said, giving Shun a wink and a smirk. 

 

Shun felt his face heat up, even after almost six years Aren still made him absolutely giddy and made his heart race.

 

“Well, maybe, if you’re lucky,” Shun said with a wink, but it definitely didn’t have the same impact as Aren’s did. Aren had said many times that Shun’s winks were more cute than they were sexy or suggestive.

 

“I already have you so I think I’m the luckiest man in the world.”

 

***

 

“Hey babe,” Aren said as Shun stepped out of the building.

 

Aren was standing leaning against the wall of the building. It was late September so the middle of the day was fairly warm but the evenings were getting cooler each day. It wasn’t cold but the breeze was cool.

 

Aren hadn’t changed that much since highschool. Unlike Shun, Aren had grown a little more, meaning that he stood even taller next to Shun. He had kept his hair around the same length but got an undershave at the bottom, and he stopped wearing his fake glasses, opting for blue light cutting glasses only when he worked long hours on the computer at home.

 

Aren had a satchel bag slung over his shoulder, he was wearing black jeans and his favorite maroon sweater he always wore in the Autumn transition. Shun gave him the sweater as a present three years ago, Shun had taken on extra shifts at work to save up the extra money for it. His hair was slightly ruffled by the cool breeze, like a model who had their hair precisely set to look windswept. Aren looked good . 

 

He always did. 

 

“Aren.” Shun grinned, he stepped up to Aren who pulled him in for a hug and a quick soft kiss. 

 

They linked hands and set off in the direction of home.

“How was your appointment?” Aren squeezed Shun’s hand.

 

“It wasn’t too bad, we revisited some positive affirmations again today,” Shun said.

 

“That’s great, I’m proud of you.” Shun could see Aren smiling at him out of the corner of his eye so he turned to him and returned it.

 

“Did you talk to her about coming off your medication?” 

 

“Um, yeah— er, n-no, I didn’t,” Shun said. 

 

He and Aren had spoken a few times about Shun coming off his antidepressants, and Shun had decided that he felt like he could. However, sitting in the room and talking to his psychologist he realised that maybe he wasn’t quite ready.

 

“That’s okay, there’s no rush,” Aren tugged Shun closer, lifted their hands up and placed a soft kiss to the back of Shun’s hand. “If you can’t make your own serotonin, store bought is fine.”

 

Every little thing Aren did made Shun feel so loved and valued. It always made the moths flutter in his stomach and it never failed to ground him.

 

“You know that’s not how it works,” Shun shook his head, the air cool against his suddenly warm cheeks, “You can’t just buy neurotransmitters, it just stops the serotonin produced being reabsorbed back into the cells when it shouldn’t be.” 

 

“Yeah I know, it’s just a cute saying, and besides I know if I said ,’That’s okay Babe there’s no rush, I love and support you no matter what, you’re my home and nothing will change that’ you would get super embarrassed and your face would go bright red and you won’t talk to me for a few minutes while you process your feelings.” 

 

Shun did in fact need a minute to process what Aren said he wouldn’t say and Shun knew that his face had turned a bright red, he could feel it.

 

They fell into silence and every so often when Shun would sneak a glance at Aren, he had an expression somewhere in between smug and gleeful.

 

“How was work?” Shun asked, after eventually regaining his composure again.

 

“It was okay, tiring. I feel like the kids go crazy in the change of seasons,” Aren said, shaking his head.

 

“Were we like that as kids?” Shun paused for a moment, “Surely not, right?”

 

“I’m not sure, Mr. Jet Black Wings™” Aren said and they both laughed.

 

“I guess it’s worse because you’re so close to their age.” 

 

Aren was kind, good looking, smart, and cool. He was also much closer to the student's age than the other teachers. Towards the beginning of the school year Aren told Shun about a time he overheard some of the female students talking about him, in a not so platonic teach-student way. 

 

It had shaken Shun and he had been upset and enraged. He knew that Aren loved him very much and was a wonderful person. Aren would never do anything to hurt Shun, nor would he ever engage with a minor in any inappropriate way. Shun knew logically that it didn’t mean anything, and he didn’t blame the students because he was sure that if Aren was his teacher in high school he would definitely have a crush on him, but feelings weren’t logical. It still bothered him. 

 

Aren didn’t mention anything like that again; however, Shun was sure it hadn’t stopped. 

 

“Yeah, but they don’t have any respect,” Aren said and shook his head again, Shun squeezed his hand in solace. 

 

They fell back into a comfortable silence as they continued on their way home. The street had gotten busy now it was closer to six and they did get a few disapproving glances from people but Shun had learnt to ignore them..

 

“Hey, did you get a script for your meds? We can fill it now?” Aren said, tipping his head to the pharmacy, the one Shun always got his medication from.

 

“Ah, yeah good idea,” Shun said and flashed Aren a smile that he returned.

 

The pharmacist asked Shun the usual questions; ‘have you had this medication before,’ ‘have you experienced any side effects from this medication in the past;’ ‘are you okay with generic brand or wish to have name brand’, and once they had gone through it all, the prescription was filled and they payed and left.

 

“What do you want for dinner?” Aren said as they passed a Gyoza stand, the smell filling Shun’s nose. It reminded him he hadn’t had lunch.

 

Shun was a terrible cook. The only thing Aren trusted him to make was rice, it's just putting rice and water in the rice cooker and turning it on, and even that took a fair amount of convincing. So it was always either Aren cooking or ordering takeout.

 

“Mmmm, let me think?” 

 

“Okay, let’s go into the grocers and we can get some things while you think,” Aren said as he tugged Shun’s hand gently in the direction of the shop.

 

As Shun grew up, had slipped into the habit of either pushing the decisions off onto other people or trying to guess what they’d like instead of what he wanted. He didn’t want to be a burden more than he already was, he knew it was because of the way his mother raised him, but it didn’t change that it was his natural instinct to just say ‘ Whatever is okay with me, you decide’ or ‘Let’s just do whatever you want.’  

 

It was something that frustrated Aren and in the past they had quite a few arguments about it. Aren was patient and caring with Shun, but of all the things Shun does that get on Aren’s nerves, his over consideration for what other people want rather than thinking about what he wants is the one thing above all else that made Aren’s blood boil. The same way that Aren leaving his socks in his shoes infuriated Shun— but that was a totally different story, well Shun decided it was. 

 

Shun was learning to work through it. His Psychologist was extremely helpful and he’d come a long way. Deciding things was difficult and sometimes he did have to fall back on to Aren when it was too overwhelming, but he was trying his best. As the saying goes, it takes ten times to learn something and one hundred to unlearn it.

 

They walked down the isles, grabbing a few of the necessities. 

 

“Let’s have Oyakodon ,” Shun said as he put a small pack of chicken fillets into the basket Aren was holding .

 

“Okay, good choice. We’ve got eggs at home, I think the chicken’s all we need for it,” Aren said, giving Shun a blinding smile. 

 

Shun knew that smile, it’s the same one that Aren gives him when Shun get’s a High Distinction on his essays, it’s the same smile he gives Shun when Shun tells him about the progress he’s made in therapy, it’s the same smile Aren gives him when he says ‘ I’m proud of you.’ 

 

It’s the same smile that still sets the moths in Shun’s stomach wild.

 

They paid and left. 

 

In one hand Aren hand the heavy bag filled with; milk, the chicken, fruit, and potatoes, and Shun had the lighter bag with cabbage, paper towels, and a few snacks. In their other hand they had the other’s hand. 

 

“Kubo-Sen!” A girl's voice called from behind them, they were now halfway home. 

 

Aren’s hand tightened around Shun’s and he sighed deeply before he turned around pulling Shun with him.

 

“I didn’t know you had a kid—” The same voice said, but stopped when Shun turned all the way around.

 

In front of them stood three highschool students wearing the school uniform of the school Aren worked at. There were two girls and one guy. They all looked ecstatic to see Aren.

 

Shun froze looking up at Aren for some indication of how to react to this situation. He had just been mistaken for a child from behind, Aren’s child.

 

“Just ignore them, babe,” Aren said, sending a glare at the kids before he looked down at Shun apologetically. 

 

Shun was caught completely off guard and was still reeling from the realisation that some people actually saw Shun and thought he was a kid. Did other people think Shun was a kid? Did they get weird stares because they thought Shun was a child? Shun hadn’t grown but his face had matured, he was sure of that because when he looked back at the old photos from highschool he looked incredibly young.

 

The two girls squealed and the boy laughed.

 

“Aaahhh, babe! that’s so cute!” The taller of the two girls said as the other one said “Oh my gosh, your girlfriend is so cute.”

 

Having finally gotten over the students mistaking him for Aren’s child, he was then mistaken for Aren’s girlfriend. He glanced back at the students, the shorter girl had her hands on her cheeks and the guy was nudging the taller girl with his elbow, they were all grinning at Shun.

 

“Shun, I’m so sorry,” Aren said and Shun turned back to him, Aren was looking down at Shun looking even more apologetic than the first time.

 

“Uh, it’s okay,” Shun said with an awkward laugh, it was more embarrassing than anything else. He gave Aren a self conscious half smile. Aren brushed his thumb over Shun’s before he turned back to face the students, who had now gone quiet. Shun turned to face them again.

 

The taller girl stared wide eyed at Shun, the smaller one had both hands over her mouth, and the boy was grinning at them.

 

“ Boyfriend,” the shorter girl said, muffled by her hands. 

 

“O.m.g.” The taller girl seemed to be brought out of her stupor by the shorter girl’s voice.

 

“The height difference,” the shorter girl said.

 

“Their styles.” The taller one chimed back in.

 

“It’s definitely ‘the angry one is soft for the goofy one’.” The boy spoke up.

 

“I bet it was enemies to friends to lovers,” the taller girl said.

 

“Absolutely,” the guy said.

 

“I ship it so much,” said the shorter girl.

 

“OTP,” the boy said as if it was a fact.

 

“One hundred percent,” said the taller girl.

 

“I guarantee you it was a slow burn, too.” The boy rounded out their conversation.

Shun tried to follow what was being said, but none of it made any sense to him. He looked to Aren for reassurance, but he looked just as lost at Shun.

 

The shorter girl stepped forward, she took Shun’s hand with the bag in her own two and lifted it up.

 

“Shun-san, I need to know everything,” She said and tugged Shun’s hand closer to her.

 

“Oi, back off, Kato.” Aren pulled Shun’s hand so that he ended up basically pressed against Aren’s side.

 

Instead of looking offended or upset like Shun had expected her to, Kato instead looked even more gleeful than before. 

 

“I think I love you,” the taller girl said to Shun.

 

“Inoue,” Aren said in a low tone, almost daring her to say something more.

 

Laughing, Shun shook his head before he bumped it into Aren’s chest softly. The three students just watched in silence.

 

“I appreciate the sentiment, but I’m sorry, I’m not really interested, that position is full,” Shun said, he turned back to Aren and said “Ne,” while tilting his head. 

 

Automatically, and without a seconds pause, Aren mirrored Shun with his own “ Ne” and tilt of his head. Shun couldn’t remember when it started but it was now just a stupid thing they did together.

 

“So precious,” Inoue said.

 

“I think my heart will explode.” Kato put her hand to her chest.

 

The boy nodded in agreement.

 

“Um, do I have you guys to thank for the ‘Kubo-Sen’ crackers?” Shun filled the silence, unsure how to follow the students.

 

“Yes,” Aren said immediately, and Shun caught the glare out of the corner of his eye.

 

“Inoue thought of the idea, I bought the crackers and paper, and Tanaka did the drawing,” Kato said and gestured at the boy at the end. Tanaka nodded, looking quite proud of himself, they all did.

 

“Well I love them. And Tanaka that drawing was pretty good, but it didn’t quite capture just how good looking Aren is,” Shun said with a laugh before he looked up and winked at Aren. 

 

Aren’s face morphed from the slightly frustrated frown to an embarrassed half smile, a small pink dusting spreading across his cheeks. Shun smiled, proud of himself. He knew how to push Aren’s buttons in just the right way. Besides, it was the truth. 

 

The students spoke over each other.

 

“Oh my gosh I can’t take it,” Kato said.

 

“I didn’t even know he could make a face like that,” Said Tanaka.

 

“Kubo-Sen, you’re too cute,” Inoue said.

 

“OI, that’s K U B O Y A S U - S E N S E I !” The frown returned to Aren’s face as he lifted his hand holding the bag and shook it in a very ‘Old man next door who yells at kids to get off his lawn’ kind of way. 

 

This caused the students to laugh and Shun joined in.

 

“ Baaabe,” Aren said and drew out the syllable, “Don’t encourage them.”

 

“Oh, it’s just in good spirit, let them have their fun,” Shun said, then turned his whole body to face Aren, he leant up as tall as possible and Aren automatically bent his head down, in a low whisper next to Aren’s ear he whispered “and we can have ours.”

 

He took a moment to process what Shun had said and Shun saw a slightly deeper blush appear on Aren’s face as he realised what Shun was implying. He then grinned down at Shun before turning back to the kids.

 

“Well, we’ve gotta go, dinner and what not, right babe?” Aren turned to Shun and who nodded, Aren seemed as if he was satisfied with that and looked back at the students, “Prepare yourself for extra cleaning duty this week.” 

 

There was a bunch of “Eeeeeehh”s  from the three students.

 

“We thought you’d be in a good mood since you’re gonna get som—” Kato started saying but was cut off by Tanaka clamping his hand over her mouth.

 

“What?” Aren said as he stepped forward in a challenge.

 

“Come on, Aren,” Shun tugged back on Aren’s hand signalling it was time to go. He turned and addressed the students, “Please continue looking after my Kubo-sen.” Then bowed.

 

Shun saw Aren shoot him a dirty look but didn’t comment.  

 

“It was nice meeting you,” the three said to Shun and bowed to them.

 

“No dawdling on your way home! You know the school rules,” Aren said, narrowing his eyes slightly before he added, “get home safely.”

 

He got some drawn out and exasperated “Yes”s but Aren ignored them. They put the students behind them and headed on their way towards home.

 

“See, do they have no respect at all?” Aren shook his head.

 

“Are they failing your class?”

 

“No.”

 

“Do they complete their homework?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Do they do what you ask them— other than call you Kuboyasu-Sensei.” Shun added the last bit when he saw Aren was about to comment.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Has anyone come to you for advice or help outside or not pertaining to your class?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Well I think you have your answer.” Shun nodded resolutely.

 

“I guess,” Aren said with a sigh.

 

“You’re a good man, you’re strong, kind, and compassionate. They see that,” Shun said and squeezed Aren’s hand for a second which Aren returned.

 

“Thanks, Shun.”

 

Aren was a wonderful man, and Shun truly meant it. He was so proud of Aren and who he had become. An incredible teacher, a fantastic mentor, and a well rounded incredible person. Sometimes Shun wondered if he really deserved Aren, but he had been working through that. It was hard occasionally to really believe that he did, but when he couldn’t find that strength inside himself, Aren gave Shun some of his own.

 

***

 

The last months of the year seemed to fly by. Shun studied hard. 

 

At first he wanted to study hard to make Aren proud, to make sure that nothing they had worked for was a waste. To show Aren he hadn’t made a mistake in choosing Shun, but slowly as he worked and grew as a person that changed. Shun started studying for himself. To make himself proud. 

 

He studied not for anyone else; but himself.

 

At times it meant that it was hard to get the motivation to not give up. Shun had never really done anything for himself, it had always been for someone else— mainly his mother— so it had been new territory; but he laced up his adventuring boots nice and tight and headed out into the unknown. 

 

Shun learnt to hold himself accountable and Aren helped when he saw Shun falling off the wagon. 

 

Aren had been very upset when, on a bad mental health night, Shun had said that he was trying to make Aren proud and make sure that he didn’t have any regrets choosing Shun. Shun knew Aren had been angry but he only openly showed it for a brief second before he covered it up with hollow words of comfort. It was a rough week after that, and they didn’t really speak properly, nothing real anyway; only “what do you want for dinner?”s and “I’ll be home at seven tomorrow”s.

 

On the seventh day Aren had come home, strode into the living room where Shun was watching TV, knelt down in front of him, pulled Shun into a crushing hug and whispered, “Don’t you dare do it for me. Or anyone else. You do it for yourself and only yourself. You don’t owe anyone anything.” Shun hadn’t been able to tell which made it harder to breathe; the tight hug or the words.

 

Since then Shun had made sure to study for himself. Although, praise from Aren still went a long way.

 

Aren also got busier as the end of year approached.

 

They still made time for each other when they could but it was hard; half an hour of TV after dinner, a few minutes chatting in the kitchen, snuggles before bed, working in silence in the same room.

 

Christmas eve finally came round; Aren was finally on winter break and Shun had no classes and only a small amount of assessment.

 

“We should have watched Die Hard,” Shun said as he pulled the blanket further up while snuggling further into Aren’s side. The TV was showing the rolling credits for Deck the Halls.

 

“I guess, but this was on, Die Hard wasn’t,” Aren said and wrapped his arm tighter around Shun.

 

“Yeah but it’s a Christmas movie,” Shun said, gesturing his hands vigorously underneath the blanket, “It takes place at Christmas at a Christmas party.” 

 

“I wasn’t saying it isn’t.” Aren wrapped his other arm around Shun and squeezed in a tight hug.

 

Shun just laughed and let himself be squished in Aren’s arms.

 

“How about we watch it tomorrow night?” Aren said and sought out Shun’s hand.

 

“Good plan.” Shun linked his hand with Aren’s. It just felt right.

 

On the TV the credits were replaced by the opening of a rerun of a Traditional Christmas Carols live performance.

 

“I hope they don’t play Last Christmas,” Aren said with a huff.

 

“Yeah, I don’t get why people are obsessed with it here, I’m so sick of it.” Shun nodded in agreement, “Everywhere you go you hear it— it drives me insane.”

 

“Christmas is about love and family, there are so many other good Christmas songs out there and they chose that to be their Christmas song,” Aren said and shook his head.

 

On the TV Bing Crosby entered the stage and announced he’d be singing You're All I Want For Christmas .

 

“See this is a good one,” Aren said and he unwrapped his arms from around Shun and slipped out of the blanket. 

 

“Areeeennnn, what’re you doing.” Shun pouted at Aren, very unhappy at the sudden loss of Aren and his warmth.

 

The orchestra started playing the opening bars and Crosby’s voice sung out through the quiet room. Aren stood in front of Shun and reached his hand out, palm up in an invitation. 

 

You're all I want for Christmas

All I want my whole life through

 

“It’s cold,” Shun said.

 

Aren didn’t say anything, he just tilted his head and smiled softly down at Shun. The warm light from the lamp and the TV cast a soft glow around the otherwise dark room. Aren was in an old and worn jumper with a stain from dinner on the front and a pair of sweatpants. Shun loved and was attracted to this Aren as much as he was to the fancy date Aren and the ‘can’t deal with mornings’ Aren. 

 

Each day is just like Christmas

Anytime that I with you

 

He just loved Aren so much.

 

“Come on,” Aren said and he reached out and pulled back the blanket.

 

You're all I want for Christmas

And if all my dreams come true

 

The cold air washed over Shun and he let out a small yelp. He was wearing his favourite of Aren hoodies but Shun was small and was always cold. Shun grabbed and tugged back on the blanket still in Aren’s hand but he didn’t let it go, just raised an eyebrow.

 

Then I'll awake on Christmas mornin'

And find my stocking filled with you

 

“Here,” Aren said as he held out his other hand, which Shun reluctantly took.

 

When Shun placed his hand in Aren’s he was pulled to a standing position. Aren leant in and Shun let his eyes fall shut in expectation for a kiss. 

 

Instead, Shun felt a soft gush of air as Aren reached behind him and pulled the blanket up over Shun’s shoulders so it was draped over him like a cape. Opening his eyes, Shun was met with a small smile. It was the kind of expression only Shun got to see. 

 

“Now you won’t get cold,” Aren said and lent down this time to actually place a soft kiss on Shun’s lips. 

 

You're all I want for Christmas

All I want my whole life through

 

Aren took a step back away from the couch and around the Kotatsu table, and he guided Shun with him. The blanket around Shun dragged along the floor.

 

Each day is just like Christmas

Anytime that I with you

 

When they were both clear of the Kotatsu, Aren turned back to Shun and wrapped his arms around Shun’s waist and pulled him flush against him. Shun leant into the hug and lay his head on the place where Aren’s chest and collarbone met and wrapped his own arms around Aren.

 

You're all I want for Christmas

And if all my dreams come true

 

The soft music floated gently in the room as Aren slowly started rocking them side to side. The rest of the world seemed to melt away and all that was left was Aren and his warmth and love. 

 

Shun felt Aren place a brief kiss on the top of Shun’s head before he rested his head against Shun’s. Shun shut his eyes and let himself get lost in Aren. He had never felt safer than in Aren’s arms. Nothing could touch him there. Aren was physically strong, and of course that made him feel safe, but the emotional support and endless unconditional love was what really made Shun feel safe.  

 

Then I'll awake on Christmas mornin'

And find my stocking filled with you

 

Everything Aren did for Shun made him feel like the most special person in the entire world. The soft side of Aren that was reserved only for Shun. It set Shun’s whole being alight and made him feel so many different things all at once. Aren never ceased to make him feel. It was exhilarating.

 

The two stayed silent, swaying in the middle of the room until the song stopped playing.

 

And find my stocking filled with you

 

“Will I wake up tomorrow with you in my stocking?” Aren’s voice was a soft whisper and his thumb traced lightly over Shun’s waist.

 

“If you’re lucky,” Shun said, trying to be as seductively as he possibly could, then paused and looked up at Aren, “Or we could just, not wait?”

 

Aren’s hands stiled and he stopped rocking them. Shun watched as Aren’s face turned from soft, to confused, to surprised, then to a mix of excitement and what can only be described as horny anticipation.

 

Shun had learnt early on that Aren had a much higher sex drive than him. In the beginning he’d felt pressured— by himself and never by Aren, who was an absolute gentleman— to try and match Aren. When Aren found out he had felt extremely guilty and they spent around three months not doing anything. That had frustrated Shun incredibly, just because it didn’t match Aren’s didn’t mean Shun didn’t want sex or ‘Sexy Times™ ’ with him. 

 

Consent, communication, and openness became key after that. If you wanted sex you’d find a way to ask, and if you didn’t you could just say so, and that would be the end of it. No room for argument. Shun found it hard to say no at first, he had always found it hard to say no to people— especially to Aren— but the first time Aren said no to Shun, he had felt extremely relieved. He found that he was able to say no with more confidence without feeling guilty after that. Aren almost never said no; however, which led Shun to believe that it was Aren’s way of helping Shun feel even more comfortable in their relationship. 

 

“Really?” Aren said, tilting his head slightly and raising his eyebrows.

 

Shun hummed in agreement.

 

As soon as the sound left Shun, Aren’s arm slid further down Shun’s back and in one swift motion Aren lifted Shun off the ground, his other arm wrapping around so it was under Shun’s butt to support him. After letting out a surprised half-yelp at being manhandled, which Shun shouldn’t be surprised given Aren’s enthusiasm, he laughed and wrapped his legs around Aren’s waist and brought his arms up to rest over Aren’s shoulders.

 

Moving his hands up to the nape of Aren’s neck, Shun dragged his fingers through the short hair there and Aren shivered. Aren had a sensitive neck and Shun had taken advantage of that as soon as he’d found out. Shun locked eyes with Aren for a moment before he lifted his other hand to the back of Aren’s head and pulled him in for a kiss. 

 

Shun accepted Aren’s tongue into his mouth straight away and Aren didn’t hesitate to start exploring. Aren’s kisses always drove Shun crazy; they were the right amount of passionate, caring, sweet, and intoxicatingly erotic. 

 

The blanket that was wrapped around Shun had partly fallen off and they both shimmied around so that the blanket fell to the floor. Shun shivered and he wasn’t sure if it was from the cold air or Aren’s hand trailing along his back. 

 

A playful nip on his lip from Aren drew Shun’s attention back to the kiss and away from the blanket-less cold. Shun focused his whole attention on the kiss, the way Aren’s tongue felt against his, the way it explored his mouth, and the way it took his breath away. Time always seemed to stop and the world would fall away when Aren kissed him. He felt it in his soul—  and down there.

 

They pulled back— their noses all but brushing— and Aren gave Shun the happiest goofy grin and a small breathy chuckle that Shun returned, their breath mingling between them. 

 

“Shall we?” Shun glanced at the hallway and tilted his head slightly.

 

Instead of replying, Aren lifted Shun up high enough so he ended up folded over Aren’s shoulder. Aren had an arm wrapped around Shun’s legs and Shun’s torso and head were folded over, pressed against Aren’s back. Being half upside down, Shun’s shirt and Aren’s hoodie slid up exposing a good portion of Shun’s back. Shun tried to ignore the cold and the thought that Aren could definitely feel the beginning of an erection pressed into Aren’s chest.

 

“Areeen,” Shun said, feigning exasperation. 

 

Shun’s boyfriend was ripped and it was really sexy, even if it sometimes made Shun feel a little self-conscious. He didn’t like being slung over Aren’s shoulder, but somehow it was better than being held bridal style. Besides, this way he had Aren’s well toned arse right in front of him. Shun was a bottom, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t enjoy one, especially when it’s right in front of him. He drew his hand up and gave each cheek a nice squeeze. 

 

With a chuckle Aren turned his head and placed three soft kisses on the small of Shun’s back. Shun felt goosebumps appear there and he knew it wasn’t because of the cold. Feeling a little embarrassed and like he had nothing to do, Shun continued to give Aren’s butt a good squeeze before he let his hands drop and dragged them lightly up the back of Aren’s thighs and over his arse again.

 

Aren tightened his arm around Shun’s legs and set off in the direction of the hallway. Under his hands, Shun could feel Aren’s muscles contract and extend as he strode to the bedroom. When they got there Aren headed straight for the bed and dropped Shun onto the bed.

 

Shun shuffled up the bed and lay with his head on a pillow as Aren stood above him watching. The soft yellow light from the night light provided enough light to see Aren. A soft red dusted Aren’s cheeks, his eyes were dark with want, and his lips were red from their kiss. Shun watched as Aren licked his lips, and then unconsciously mirrored it.

 

After a few moments Aren still hadn’t moved so Shun propped himself up on his elbows and tilted his head in a question. Perhaps Aren had decided he actually didn’t want to do anything tonight, although the growing bulge in his sweats told a different story.

 

“You okay?” Shun said.

 

“I just needed a moment, I swear you’re gonna kill me one day,” Aren said as he reached up a balled fist and pressed it to his mouth as he scrunched his eyes. Once the moment passed Aren reopened his eyes, and along with that his enthusiasm had been renewed. He knelt on the bed and crawled over to Shun. 

 

Once he had his knees either side of Shun’s thighs, Aren stopped and reached down to Shun and pulled him up until he was sitting. 

 

“Off,” Aren said and he tugged at the jumper and shirt Shun had on.

 

Obliging, Shun helped Aren pull the shirt and jumper off him, and he shivered slightly in the cool air. Once they were off Aren pushed Shun gently back so he was lying down again and he sat back slightly so he was sitting on his own calves and partly on Shun’s thighs.

 

Aren didn’t move, he just looked down at Shun, his eyes trailing from Shun’s face and across his now exposed torso. Shun heart skipped a beat felt his face heat up, no matter how many times they’ve had sex Shun still felt a little self concious when Aren looked at him like that.  

 

There were only two times where Aren looked like that—  wild and unbridaled. When someone was targeting Shun— be it making a pass at him, threatening him, or just having a go at him— and when he was about to devour Shun.

 

To get things started again, and stop Aren staring at him, Shun reached his hand up to the front of Aren’s shirt and pulled him down into a kiss. Aren met him with enthusiasm and Shun quickly found himself getting lost in Aren again.

 

Finding himself out of breath, Shun pulled back, opting to tug at Aren’s jumper. If he had to have his shirt off Aren definitely did. Aren however had other ideas as he immediately peppered kisses along Shun’s jaw to his neck. When Aren dragged his teeth over the soft skin next to his collarbone, a small zap shot down Shun’s spine and he let out a quiet squeak. 

 

Feeling like he needed to do something, and really just wanting to run his hands over Aren, Shun tried tugging Aren’s shirt up higher. Aren didn’t seem bothered by it and didn’t stop his attack on Shun’s neck.

 

“Aren,” Shun said as he tugged hard on Aren’s jumper but got no response, so he moved his hand up to Aren’s hair and gave it a tug. 

 

Seemingly unphased by the tug, Aren only let out a small huff, which frustrated Shun. So this time Shun gave Aren’s hair a good yanking and Aren sat back up, a bright red across his face but looking a little guilty.

 

“Sorry, babe,” Aren rubbed the back of his head where Shun had pulled his hair and Shun gave him— what he thought was— a stern look.

 

“Let me make it up to you,” Aren said as he lifted his hands to Shun’s jaw before trailing them down Shun’s neck and chest.

 

Shun was still unimpressed, and he tried to not get too distracted by Aren’s hands on him. Shun propped himself up and grabbed Aren’s jumper again, pulling it up as far it would go. Aren chuckled before he lifted his arms up allowing Shun to pull it and his shirt off.

 

With Aren’s shirt off Shun was finally able to let his hand roam and explore Aren. As if sensing that Shun was satisfied with that Aren retured to his onslaught of kisses on Shun’s neck. With Aren’s muscles under Shun’s fingers and the endless nips and kisses on his neck Shun was beginning to need more.

“I thought you were going to make it up to me?” Shun said, it came out much more breathy than he expected. When had he become so breathless?

 

“All in good time my love,” Aren said against his skin.

 

“Well, I think the time is good now,” Shun said.

 

Aren laughed.

 

“As you wish,” Aren said.

 

He then slid down slightly, wrapped his mouth around Shun’s nipple, giving it a good flick, and with his other hand palmed Shun’s erection. Shun let out a gasped moan and pressed his fingers into Aren’s back, which just seemed to spur him on and he continued the same motions. 

 

Shun soon found himself quite unraveled lying there under Aren, the only thing he seemed to be able to do was hold tight and clamp his mouth shut to stop most of the moans from leaving his lips.

 

“Don’t keep quiet on my account,” Aren lifted his head back up to look at Shun, “In fact, I’d really prefer if you didn’t.” Aren said, sliding further down the bed all the way, pressing kisses across Shun’s skin and paying particular attention to the spot just above the waistband of his sweatpants.

 

Hooking his fingers under the band on Shun’s sweatpants, Aren gave it a gentle tug down a little. Shun understood what that meant and he lifted his hips off the bed so that Aren could pull them all the way down. He did just that and took Shun’s underpants with them, finally freeing his erection. Aren stroked his hands along Shun’s thighs as he leant back then looked at Shun.

 

“I love you,” Aren said with such intensity it took Shun’s breath away.

 

“I love you, too,” Shun said. The old Shun would have put his hands over his face unable to look at Aren, feeling too self conscious but he’d grown.

 

Aren lifted up his hand and spat in it before he moved it to wrap around Shun’s erection. Shun let a moan out at the contact and Aren smirked down at him before he leant back down to trail his mouth and teeth over Shun’s torso and ended with an attack on his nipples. 

Much too slowly— in Shun’s opinion— Aren began moving his hand up and down along Shun’s member which drew a breathy low groan from him. Aren’s hands felt incredibly good, but god was he far too slow. Shun lifted his hands to the back of Aren’s neck stroking his hands through the hair there, hoping that would encourage Aren. 

 

It sort of worked and Aren did start moving his hand marginally faster adding that extra flick at the end of the stroke that Shun liked. It was wonderful and overwhelming and yet not enough. He needed more.

 

“ Aren,” Shun’s brain wasn’t working properly and he couldn’t put into words what he wanted but Shun knew Aren and he knew that that would convey what he was trying to say.

 

“I know, babe,” Aren said, removing his mouth from Shun’s skin and giving one more tug. 

 

Shun huffed out a displeased groan at the lack of contact around his throbbing erection. The lack of contact made Shun want to take care of it himself, but he knew Aren would never let him. He’d tried before and Aren had just pinned his hands down.

 

Aren took a moment before he started trailing kisses down Shun’s torso, across his stomach, and down towards his navel. Pressing kisses onto Shun’s hip bones and the sensitive skin on the inside of Shun’s thighs, Aren traced his fingers along Shun’s legs. 

 

Just as Shun was about to protest again about the lack of contact, Aren removed his mouth from Shun’s skin only to bring it back down around Shun’s erection. Due to the sudden blissful overstimulation Shun let out a low moan and his hips jerked up involuntarily. Unfortunately Aren hadn’t planned for that and a choke gagging sound came from him as he removed his mouth from Shun.

 

Mortified Shun sat up feeling extremely guilty.

 

“Aren, I’m so sorry,” Shun said.

 

Aren; however didn’t seem phased and just gave Shun a small shove so he was lying down on his back again, he brought a hand up pressing it down gently on Shun’s hipbone, definitely preventing Shun from jerking up again, and returned his mouth to Shun’s member. This brought a bunch of moans from Shun.

 

Seemingly spurred on by how much Shun was enjoying himself, Aren sped up. 

 

Aren’s mouth was one of Shun’s favorite parts of his body. It was where Aren laughed and told jokes, it whispered I love you at night and soft good morning, it snapped witty comebacks and grinned goofy grins, it gave soft welcome home kisses and deep kisses like the end of the world was the next day, and it gave incredible head. Shun would never get used to Aren’s mouth on his erection and he could never get enough of it. 

 

Moans spilled from Shun as Aren worked his mouth and tongue to unravel him. It drove Shun crazy and he soon lost the ability to think coherently. Shun laced his fingers in Aren’s hair holding on for dear life as Aren worked him closer and closer to orgasm. 

 

Shun watched Aren at first but now all he could do was lie back and shut his eyes. It was overwhelming and he felt his orgasm building. It was quick but he didn’t care, he was far too gone. Shun tapped Aren’s shoulder trying to signal he was close so he should remove his mouth, he tried to convey it by words but nothing coherent came out. Shun tugged Aren’s hair but he didn’t remove his head, he continued just as enthusiastically.

 

His orgasm hit him like a truck and Shun gasped for air and moaned something akin to Aren . Shun shut his eyes, let the wave of pleasure take him and just rode it out. When he was done Aren removed his mouth from Shun and Shun felt Aren hop off the bed and heard him pull open a draw. 

 

Shun opened his eyes just in time to see Aren empty a mouthful of cum into a towel. Shun was mortified. Shun was sure Aren knew that Shun was ready and that if he didn’t remove his mouth that’s exactly what would happen. It wasn’t unexpected, and so it meant that Aren had chosen to do that but it still left Shun feeling embarrassed.

 

“Areeen,” Shun said, draping his forearm over his eyes and taking a moment to rest.

 

“Shuuuun.” Aren mimicked Shun with a laugh. 

 

There was a soft thud, some footsteps, the bed dipped slightly as Aren hopped back on, and a soft kiss was placed on Shun’s now sweaty forehead. Shun opened his eyes and Aren was there with a small smirk and excitement glinting in his eyes. 

 

“Come on babe, we’re not done yet,” Aren said, and Shun looked down from Aren’s face to the very clear erection he had pressing against his sweatpants. 

 

After taking a breath, Shun grinned and sat up reaching for Aren’s sweatpants.

 

“I was hoping that was the case.”

 

***

 

“But seriously, Spiderman would never be able to win against Thor or basically any of the other avengers. Thor is a god , and Spiderman is just a man who can yes, do things normal human’s can’t but he’s still that: a human. He could never compete with an alien or a god,” Toritsuka said, waving his hands around.

 

“I. Never. Said. He. Could,” Shun shook his fist at Toritsuka, “All I said was that he was my favorite Avenger!”

 

“Well your choice is shit. The best avenger is clearly Iron Man,” Toritsuka said.

 

“He’s a cocky self-centred arsehole, who thinks he’s better than everyone else, because he has money.” Shun frowned, shaking his head.

 

“One; it’s not cocky if you can back it up, and two; he’s rich, powerful, respected, and gets all the women. What’s not to love?” Torituka said back.

 

“He’s just a shit person, and not relatable. Spiderman is goofy, funny, and he’s floored: relatable. He’s a much better Avenger,” Shun paused, “tell him Saiki,” Shun said, turning to where Saiki was sitting, trying very hard to ignore them.

 

“ Yare yare, there’s no such thing as superheroes or super powers,” Saiki said, rolling his eyes. 

 

“My favourite is Superman,” Nendo said.

 

“That’s DC!” Both Shun and Toritsuk yelled at Nendo in unison. 

It was Christmas day, just before lunch. They had planned to have all their friends meet for Christmas lunch at Matsu’s ramen restaurant. Ramen was not on the menu and everyone was bringing their own food. They had fun and stupid games planned, Secret Santa, and enough food to put a bear into hibernation.

 

“I like Ant Man,” Yumehara said, joining the conversation— she had previously just stood watching them. 

 

“He’s kinda boring you know?” Toritsuka said.

 

“He is not!” Yumehara glared at Toritsuka. 

 

“I like Natasha, she’s so badass and beautiful and hot,” Teruhashi added to the conversation. Turns out she was pretty gay and just took a while to figure it out. 

 

“Mmmm, if it’s eye candy, definitely. I’d hit that.” Toritsuka nodded.

 

“Ew, don’t be gross,” Yumehara said.

 

“Why can Teruhashi and I can’t?” Toritsuka frowned, pointing a finger at Teruhashi.

 

“Because you’re gross and we’re sick of being objectified by you and just men ,” Yumehara said, crossing her arms.

 

“Seriously?” Toritsuka looked to Saiki and then to Shun for support but he got none from either of them. Saiki flat out ignored him and Shun rolled his eyes.

 

“I like Capitan America because he has passion and trains hard,” Hairo said.

 

“Hmmm, it fits,” Shun said and the rest of the group nodded.

 

Shun looked around at his friends, they’d mostly managed to keep in touch after highschool despite all the different places everyone ended up living. 

 

His friends seemed to be doing well and they’d all grown as people and pursued their own interests.

 

Shun wasn’t exactly sure what Saiki did for a living, he went to University and studied economics, and now he— Shun thinks he doesn’t quite understand it, not that Saiki hadn’t tried to explain— trades and sells stocks. He had his own house and seemed like he was doing fairly well for himself. He still had Shun over now and then. They would watch a movie together, or read, or work together. Saiki would even help Shun with his homework occasionally when it was particularly tough, and even if it wasn’t Shun would just use it as an excuse to go see Saiki. Shun knew Saiki saw through his excuses but he never said anything. 

 

Saiki secretly loved Shun just as much as Shun loved him. He knew it, he could feel it. Saiki didn’t have to say it. Saiki had been a safe place after Shun left home. Saiki provided support that Aren couldn’t give him. It wasn’t the support of a boyfriend or a significant other it was the support and love of a friend, it was just as important and just as valuable. Shun was eternally grateful for everything Saiki had done for him. Saiki was his first friend and he loved him to bits.

 

Toritsuka was still living at the temple. He was still as gross as always but he had matured more and knew when to tone it down. He was trying to get some tourism going in the area. At first it was because he wanted beautiful tourists to hit on but it turned out to be fairly lucrative too so he kept doing it— even if the women were ninety percent of the time horrified by him.

 

Nendo found himself a job as a tradesman after highschool and was receiving a pretty good salary working on building sites. They found that because of his ‘ special’ skills the company could hire less people to do the same work and so they were saving money paying him just a little more. 

 

Teruhashi decided not to follow Saiki to the same University and instead went to study classical literature. In University she started to feel like maybe she wasn’t experiencing the same thing when people were attracted to men and was only able to explore it after she left highschool and went to Canada for a semester abroad in University. Turns out she wasn’t so straight.

 

 Yumehara, after finding out Aren and Shun had started dating, took a little while to get over it but she moved on and was very supportive. She also claims that the only reason Shun wasn’t interested was because he was gay. She was now in her final year of a human resources masters degree.

 

Mera had done some bouncing around and ended up falling into the perfect job for her: Professional Food Critic . It had just been dumb luck but she was incredibly sucessful and had a major following. She’d reviewed— good of course— Matsu’s ramen restaurant a few years back and the place had stayed incredibly popular since.

 

Hairo ended up going semi-professional for tennis before he decided that he’d rather be a PE teacher at middle school or high school so he, like Aren, was in his first year of teaching. They were at different schools but able to share their woes of first year teaching.

 

“Hey babe,” Aren said coming back into the room, he was carrying a platter of food and he placed it down on the table then came over and wrapped his arm around Shun.

 

Mera, Matsu, and Mako followed behind with more food. 

 

“Shun-nii-nii.” A giggle and a squeal came from behind Mako.

 

Matsu and Mako ended up having a little girl, who was now four. She was a terror but she adored Shun and would cling to him whenever he was around. Shun loved her just as much and would absolutely fawn over her.

 

“Mana,” Shun said, just as excited as she was and he caught her when she launched herself at him.

 

“Hey Little Pup, Merry Christmas,” Matsu said and wrapped both Shun and Mana in a hug once he’d put down his tray of food.

 

After Shun had moved out, Matsu and Mako had created another safe space for Shun to stay in and explore himself. When he needed a space away from Aren and his family— because he did, that’s just how relationships work— the couple always made sure Shun felt at home and welcome. They were like the mother and father he never got to have. Shun loved them so very much and was so lucky to have them in his life.

 

They had supported Shun and Aren’s relationship from day one. When Aren had mentioned he was looking for a part time job Matsu had quickly offered to hire Aren to work in the kitchen there. Aren was naturally a good chef so he learnt fast and honed his cooking skills. When they moved into their own flat Matsu had organised to help them move in, he even rented a truck and with the help of Aren’s parents and their friends they were able to move in in one day.

 

“Merry Christmas, Matsu,” Shun said as Matsu let them go and Mako gave Shun a brief hug before placing a kiss on both Shun and Mana’s cheeks.

 

“Merry Christmas, Shun,” She said.

 

They were part of Shun’s chosen family and he loved them to bits.

 

***

 

“Shhhh,” Sora said, pressing her finger to her lips.

 

They fell silent and Shun pulled the blanket further up. 

 

Shun was currently sandwiched in between Aren and Toki on their couch in their flat. Toki had called dibs on sitting next to Shun, and Aren had called a quick second place and so Shun was left squashed between them. Sora ended up sitting at the kotatsu with her back resting against Shun’s legs.

 

After determining the blanket was far enough up the three of them, Shun tucked his arms back under the blanket and he automatically sought out Aren’s hand, and linked them. Aren had his arm around Shun’s shoulder so he snuggled in nice and close. Toki, who was now much larger than Shun and part of his middle school’s soccer team, had one of his heavy legs laying over Shun’s.

 

Toki and Shun’s relationship had suffered extremely when Shun left home, and it had been very bad for the first few years. He was too young to understand exactly what had happened. Toki had been incredibly upset and angry. He felt Shun had abandoned him, that he didn’t love him anymore. Their mother had sowed that seed and watered it too, he was sure of that. 

 

When Toki entered middle school Sora worked hard to get Toki to come round and talk to Shun. Shun had kept close to Sora across those years but Toki had refused to go see Shun. It had been incredibly emotional when he finally agreed to see Shun. At the sight of Toki so big and grown up, Shun had broken down. He had been inconsolable, he’d missed so much of Toki’s life. He knew he had to leave but the pain he felt when he saw Toki was immense and all consuming. The realisation that Toki wasn’t a small child any more, he wasn’t that kid that would follow Shun around, and Shun had missed all that growth.

 

That was the first time, since Shun had left, that Toki truly understood that Shun hadn’t abandoned them, he hadn’t forgotten about Toki. He knew at that moment that Shun’s love for him had never wavered. Toki who was now bigger than Shun had wrapped Shun in a tight hug, his own tears falling as well. 

 

Sora had cried, too. The siblings were finally together again and they could start healing their deep wounds.

 

It still took a while to mend the bond that had suffered greatly but over the years it strengthened and it was as strong as ever. Toki would come over whenever he had the chance. They would play games and watch movies, study together, and just hang out. Toki was in the soccer club and was fairly busy with that, and studying, but he always made time for Shun.

 

Shun leaving didn't hurt his relationship with Sora. He knew she was proud of him, and just wanted Shun to be safe and happy. He drew strength from her and she from him. Sora was always stronger than Shun, he was so incredibly proud of her. She had decided to attend uni to become a pharmacist, which she was currently doing. Sora had been incredibly helpful during Shun’s transitional period between the Kaido household and Aren’s house. She helped and supported Shun in every possible way she could.

 

After leaving the house, Shun was so worried that all the anger and awfulness that Shun’s mother had pushed on him was going to be turned to his siblings. He’d started to draw up contingency plans in his head about ways to deal with it and how he’d be able to support the two if worse came to worst. 

 

However; that wasn’t the case. She was strict with them but she never turned that nasty poison on his siblings. It was as if without Shun there it just wasn’t in her heart. Shun didn’t understand why, he had thought about it a lot. He wasn’t sure if it was specifically him, or if she blamed him for taking away her previous life, or just something entirely different. He had learnt to quickly just stop thinking about it. He was still working through it and learning to let go. He didn’t want one of those unrealistic movie reunions, he just didn’t want to have to think about their mother anymore. 

 

Shun turned to Toki who was looking at the screen but glanced at Shun before breaking out into a grin which Shun returned before turning back to the screen as the opening plane scene from Die Hard started playing.

 

Sora and Toki had come over in the late afternoon, they’d exchanged presents and had some dinner, most of it was left-overs from the huge lunch at Matsu’s. Shun shouldn’t be surprised at how much Toki ate, he was a growing boy and he had training basically every day, but he still ate so much . 

 

Having Christmas dinner with Aren, Sora, and Toki felt magical. He had his family with him on Christmas and there was nothing more he could have wanted. It had taken a while to get there, to have Toki trust him again and for all of them to grow and accept the way things were, but they’d finally made it there and Shun was eternally grateful for his little family.

 

***

 

“Hey babe.” Aren’s voice was a whisper in the dark. 

 

Shun didn’t know what time it was, but it was dark enough in their room that he knew it wasn’t before six.

 

“Mmm.” Shun rolled over to face Aren.

 

“Happy New Year,” Aren said and leant in, pressing a quick kiss on Shun’s lips before pulling him into a squeezing hug.

 

“Happy New Year, Aren,” Shun said, and squeezed back.

 

“C’mon,” Aren said before unwrapping himself from Shun and wriggling out of bed.

 

“What’re you doing?” Shun rubbed his eyes and pulled the blanket further up his head until it was just under his eyes and shimmied onto the lingering warmth Aren left.

 

“We’re going for a ride,” Aren said, rummaging through the closet.

 

“What time is it? You hate mornings.” Shun watched Aren, who suspiciously had more energy than Shun.

 

“It’s about four fifty,” Aren walked back over to Shun, “C’mon babe, up ‘n at ‘em,” Aren said.

 

“No. I wanna go back to sleep,” Shun said as Aren crouched down beside the bed so he was at eye level with Shun.

 

“Oh, you won’t do it even for me?” Aren tipped his head and gave him a look that would rival the cutest puppy dog.

 

“Uuughhh you suck,” Shun said with a groan before flinging the covers down off him.

 

“You love me,” Aren said with a laugh before he returned to the closet.

 

“A blessing and a curse.” Shun shivered in the cold of their bedroom.

 

“Here,” Aren said and threw clothes at Shun. On closer inspection they were jeans, underwear, a thermal top, a long sleeve top, and a jumper.

 

Shun didn’t want to take off his jammies— as he insisted they call them— but Aren was adamant about them going for a ride. So he got changed, he never could really say no to Aren.

 

They changed and brushed their teeth, Aren prepared some warm tea in a thermos and put some fruit in, promising that they’d have a proper breakfast on the way back. He didn’t tell Shun where they were going. He’d just grin and tell Shun it was a surprise. Shun didn’t really like surprises, but he trusted Aren so he went along with it.

 

Gearing up for their ride, Aren clipped Shun’s helmet on— the same one with The Jet Black Wings™ written on it that he had given Shun all those years back. Aren tapped it twice lightly before he got on the bike and Shun hopped up behind him. Shun wrapped his arms tightly around Aren and they headed off in the dark.

 

The wind was cold and harsh, it bit at Shun’s skin even through his riding gloves and layers of clothes and jackets. He couldn’t feel Aren’s warmth though the many layers of clothes they had, but the warmth in his chest was not physical. It was the thought of Aren next to him, riding together, eating breakfast, and just being together.

 

Shun eventually lost track of where they were heading, he wasn’t good at directions in general and after about forty minutes of riding in the dark Shun had no clue. A little more driving and the air became more fresh and crisp— they’d left the city and were heading into a forested area. They started heading up a road with trees either side and no street lights. The road began winding tighter and got steeper. 

 

He wasn’t positive, but Shun finally had an idea of where they were going. They hadn’t been there since high school.

 

As they rounded up over the top of mound and the ground flattened out and the city, and further out the ocean, came into view, Shun knew where they were.

 

It was the same mountain Aren took Shun when they had celebrated his good grades all the way back in second year of high school.

 

Once Aren had parked and the bike was off, Shun hopped off and wandered over to the edge of the clearing, closely followed by Aren. The view was incredible; in the city the streetlights created patterns and as house lights and building lights started to come on, it scattered the ground below them with glittering lights. 

 

 Further out across the ocean there were a few boats in the dark with their lights shining. Below where the ocean met the land there was the same lighthouse that Shun had pointed out many years ago. Shun didn’t have to find excuses to get close to Aren anymore, he just could.  

 

So he did.

 

Shun shuffled in next to Aren and he wrapped his arm around Shun’s waist.

 

“I thought, we’ve watched the sun set here, we should watch it rise, too,” Aren said and placed a kiss on the top of Shun’s head.

 

“It’s wonderful,” Shun said, looking out across the ocean to where the sky meets the water at the tiniest of glows that was there.

 

The air was still and fresh in Shun’s lungs. Very different from the air in the city. The two stood there in silence looking out across the city at the endless ocean. The tiny glow grew slowly brighter, hinting at the sunrise that was to come.

 

“Hey, Aren?” Shun glanced up at Aren who didn’t turn to Shun but gave his waist a squeeze and a hum in acknowledgment.

 

“When you said; ‘ the moon is beautiful, isn’t it?’ Did you mean it just like it is or did you mean it like that?” Shun said and when Aren finally turned to Shun he had the softest smile on his face.

 

“Do you think I wouldn’t know how to try and appeal to the cute literature-brainiac boy I liked?” Aren said with a laugh.

 

Shun turned, feeling a little more than embarrassed and pressed his cheek against Aren’s chest. Shun was sure he’d imagined it back then, he thought— knew— Aren didn’t like him like that, that he had no hope. It wasn’t like that. It never was. Aren liked Shun just as much as Shun liked him; and that like turned to love. 

 

A love that Shun felt every day. It was overwhelming and exhilarating. It made him want to scream at the top of his lungs and collapsed in a giggling fit— the kind that left you gasping for air. Sometimes if he thought about it too hard a lump would form in his throat and his eye’s would water as tears threatened to spill over.

 

Placing a brief kiss against the part of Aren’s chest next to Shun’s face, he turned back out across the ocean, the sun now threatening to peak up over the horizon.

 

“Did it work?” Aren said with a chuckle, it was breathless and light.

 

“Of course it did.” Shun shook his head with his own chuckle.

 

“Good.”

 

The sun finally began poking above the horizon, small rays of glistening sun dancing as a reflection on the ocean. The city was still cast in shadows, but slowly the light started stretching further out across the water towards it. Deep sky began to grow orange and the dark clouds that were floating above the water developed golden highlights around the edges as if the most brilliant painter had pulled out their brush and put their hand to it.

 

A cold breeze blew and Shun pulled his hands up to his face, he’d forgotten to bring normal gloves and his hands were cold. He breathed hot air onto them before rubbing them together with hopes of heating them up with friction.

 

“Hey, I’ve got a few packets of Kairos on the bike, wait here and I’ll grab you some,” Aren said and unwrapped his arm from Shun. 

 

Shun immediately missed the warmth Aren provided but he said thank you and watched as Aren headed back to the bike before he turned his attention once again to the sunrise. 

 

Shun thought about Aren. He felt so extremely lucky to have him. Aren showered him with love and he woke up everyday wanting to be alive. Even when his mental health was terrible and he was having a depressive episode he still wanted to wake up and see Aren, to be with him, and to be in the world. To be alive. Aren taught Shun to see the world in new and exciting ways, and helped Shun until he didn’t need Aren to help him feel that way.

 

After a minute or so Shun heard Aren return back from the bike and he stopped next to Shun, facing him. He didn’t say a word nor did he reach out to hand Shun anything, so Shun turned to Aren.

 

Aren stood still, as if he was frozen in place. He didn’t move when Shun turned to him. Tilting his head in a question, Shun gave Aren a smile. After a second, Aren returned Shun’s smile, it was hesitant and Shun could see a hint of nervousness flickering in his eyes. The soft glow of the sun shimmering golden on Aren’s hair gave him a soft halo. 

 

After taking a deep breath, Aren sank down to kneel on one knee.

 

Shun’s heart skipped a beat and set off in a sprint as his brain processed what was happening. A lump grew in Shun’s throat and it made it hard to breathe and he could feel his eyes prickling, threatening tears.

 

“Uh— I,” Aren started but he stopped to clear his throat, he sounded like Shun felt, “I’d been planning and looking for the right time bu-but I woke up with the need— deep in my chest— to do it right now, the feeling that if I didn’t do it I might explode .” Aren's voice wavered as he spoke and he stopped to take a deep breath.

 

The moths in Shun’s stomach were rioting and he felt light headed, like he couldn’t draw in enough oxygen no matter how deep he breathed.

 

“Shun, the moment you came home with me, I knew you were my home. That I could never let you go— you were it for me. You’re the love of my life, my home, my safe place, my joy, and my happiness. With you by my side I feel like I’m floating on a cloud and nothing can stop me. I can’t imagine my life without you and I don’t ever want to. I want to grow old with you, I’ve watched you grow and flourish as a person, and— and I want to support you and love you with every ounce of my being. You protect me and give me so much, I feel your love everyday— everyday I wake up with you next to me and every night I fall asleep with you by my side. I feel like there is nothing in the world that could take away the strength and happiness you give me.” Aren stopped speaking to take another few deep breaths. 

 

Shun’s eyes had filled with tears and the world in front of him grew blurry. It had become hard to hear Aren over the slamming heart beat in his ears.

 

“Shun, I want you by my side always, and I hope it’s what you want too,” Aren pulled a small box from his pocket before opening it— it contained a ring, the ring was three interwoven thin silver bands, one of which had tiny diamonds set into it, and it sparkled in the golden light— “Will you marry me?”

 

The lump in Shun’s throat had gotten bigger and it was incredibly hard to breathe, he blinked to rid his eyes of the tears so he could see Aren clearly, but they were just replaced with more. Shun opened his mouth but nothing came out.

 

Swallowing, Shun nodded once, but it didn’t convey enough so he nodded again, and again, and again before he dropped to his knees too and he threw himself at Aren pulling him into a tight hug. Aren returned the hug straight away, clinging just to Shun just as tight.

 

“Yes,” Shun finally managed to say, it was a whisper in Aren’s ear. It sounded choked and breathy to his own ears. 

 

Shun felt like his heart might explode right out of his chest, the love he had for Aren was so painfully strong, it was intoxicating, it was magical, it was perfect, and the best thing about it was that Aren felt the same way.

 

Aren pulled back before sliding his hand into the hair at the back of Shun’s head and brought him in for a kiss. One that felt more magical than any they had ever had.

 

Next to them the sun rose, casting glowing gold light over them and the world around them; the dark sky morphed into brilliant oranges, reds, and yellows and the clouds dyed deep with rich colour— but none of that mattered, the two didn’t see anything except the other man in front of him.

Notes:

Thank you all so much for reading this to the very end! I hope you enjoyed it. I loved every minute of writing it! (except maybe the Sexy Time™ that was a little hard for my ace butt, it was part of the reason this took so long-kinda but that’s probs just an excuse)

I’ve had a lot of comments from people about how they very much sympathise with Shun and have been in or are in similar situations and I’d just like to say first, how sorry I am to hear that, and that I love you very much, and second that I am also always up for a chat, you can find me over on Tumblr under Zopno so feel free to message me there.

It’s been a blast writing this and I hope it’s brought you (at least the epilogue) some joy this holiday period.

Keep safe, love you all.