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Spike turned the corner in the murky sewer, cursing as he kicked a stray rat from his path. Damned Slayer, he thought--she was probably behind this. Something was going wrong with the electrical cables he'd rerouted through the sewers, the power was out in his lair, and he'd been missing Passions all week. He really hoped he could find someone to kill about it.
He stopped. Someone else was down there. And nobody should be--after he'd made an example of the latest nest of demons that had taken up residence a little too close to the lair, everyone had kept clear of him. He followed muffled voices until he came to a makeshift door. He kicked it in and tried to look menacing, but he couldn't hide his shock when he found himself looking into the bland, indignant face of Riley Finn.
"Hey!" said Riley. "What are you doing here? This is private property!" He grabbed a shirt and hastily put it on.
Spike smirked. "I could ask you the same thing. I thought you were off in South America, doing nation-building for the Initiative. Never thought you'd come crawling back here. And the sewers, by the way, are property of the City of Sunnydale, not--"
"Shut up, Spike! I'm not about to start taking civics lessons from you! Now get out before I stake you!"
"Temper, temper!" said Spike. "I'm not in your little hidey-hole. Someone forgot his manners and didn't invite me. Now, if I just happen to be taking a nice little stroll through the sewers, and you just happen to have your door kicked in, then there's no harm if I take a look, is there? Nice place. A little dank. Better than that fraternity house you used to live in. That was legendarily unhygenic according to the underworld gossip--"
"Spike. Leave right now or I will--"
"You better think very carefully before you finish that threat," hissed Spike. "I don't know what you're doing here, but you're living on my turf now. You think that chip in my head is going to keep you safe? You don't know the friends I have down here. I've done favors. I have allies. Some of my friends are species of demon that the Initiative doesn't even know exist."
"Look, just go, okay?" said Riley uneasily as something stirred in the back of the darkened cavern.
"You have friends, too!" said Spike with a broad smile. "Hello back there! Welcome to the neighborhood!"
"Spike, I'm not joking," said Riley as he rummaged through a pile of clothes near the door. "I'm getting my crossbow--"
"Riley," said a hulking form in the back of the room. "Why do you send him away? I find him interesting."
"Not now!" whispered Riley. "Stay back there!"
"Why?" answered the voice. "Do you wish to hide our relationship? I find the vampire interesting. I wish to examine him more ... closely."
"Hey, who the hell are you?" said Spike.
Before Riley could protest, Adam stepped out of the shadows and said, "Come in, Spike."
Spike jumped back and turned to Riley. "What the hell is this? Have you gone mad? I'm not staying for his next killing spree, that's for sure. Nice knowing you! Goodbye!" As he turned to go, Riley grabbed his arm and wrenched him back towards the door.
"Wait! You can't go telling Buffy about this. She won't understand."
"Damn right she won't! She doesn't need to understand him to kill him again!"
He leaned in and whispered in Spike's ear. "Look, Adam doesn't know this, but I replaced his old power source with a weaker battery. He shuts down every night to recharge, and he's not as strong as he was. He's harmless!"
"And let me guess! You diverted some of the power cables so you can wind up your little toy every night!" Spike turned around and charged into the cavern. "Where is it?"
"What?" asked Riley as he followed Spike into the recesses of the cavern, where a mattress was pushed against a rough stone wall. Nearby, there was a tangle of wires linked to computers, strange devices that looked a lot like some things Spike had seen in the Initiative, and a television.
"Ha!" said Spike as he kicked the television. "I knew it! Not only do you steal my power for all this--" he gestured at the piles of electrical equipment-- "but you're using it to watch television!"
"We didn't steal anything!" whined Riley. "Not any more than you did!"
"I HAVEN'T SEEN PASSIONS ALL WEEK," growled Spike as he transformed and bared his fangs. Adam stepped forward and laid a hand on his shoulder.
"You also enjoy Passions?" asked Adam. Spike's face changed back. He stared incredulously at Adam. "I have spent many hours watching that program," Adam continued. "I find it quite interesting."
"You?" said Spike. "What does a mindless killing machine like about Passions?"
"Hey!" said Riley. "Who's the mindless killing machine here?"
"It's all right," said Adam. "The vampire is not incorrect about my initial programming and design." He turned back to Spike. "I find the composition and behavior of many species extremely interesting. This program dramatizes aspects of human interaction that I would not understand otherwise."
"Such as?"
"I don't think we really need to talk about soap operas with Spike," interrupted Riley nervously. "Let's just make a deal about what he's going to tell the Slayer--"
"Such as," interrupted Adam, "human sexual attraction and the interpersonal conflicts that often arise from it. For example, I recognize that Riley is now feeling shame. He does not wish me to tell you about our sexual relationship." Spike burst out laughing as Riley turned bright red.
"Yeah," said Spike to Adam over Riley's whimpered protests. "That one really is sheltered, isn't he? So repressed!" He sat down on a pile of wooden crates in the corner. "Now this makes up for all that I've been missing! Do tell me more!"
Adam tilted his head mechanically, then smiled at Spike. "I find the physical form of the human male extremely interesting."
Riley started to pace furiously. "Farm boy," taunted Spike, "I think the price of keeping this from the Slayer just went way up."
Adam continued. "When Riley reactivated me, I told him that I found his physical form extremely interesting, and that I wished to explore it. Riley informed me that he found me interesting as well."
"Is that what our soldier boy said?" laughed Spike. "Well, well, well!"
"According to my data log," replied Adam, "Riley's precise words were, 'Since I'm already a total failure as a soldier, I might as well close my eyes and pretend you're Hostile 17.'"
"Adam!" shouted Riley as Spike stood up and backed away from both of them, saying, "Well, I think that's about all I need to hear--"
Riley grabbed him and said, "Oh, no! You're not going anywhere until we make sure you don't tell the Slayer."
Adam seemed to ignore the commotion around him and continued his story. "I proceeded to experiment with several human, demon, and vampire sexual techniques. Riley did not respond favorably to a massage of the upper thighs administered with my prehensile tongue, as is customary among chaos demons. He was more visibly aroused, however, when I removed his uniform and administered what humans refer to as a bl--"
"I think he gets the picture, Adam," said Riley. "Look, Spike, let's make a deal. I have some friends around and I can get you money, blood--name your price."
"I can't name the price until I know how much the story's worth! Adam, did your data logs record any more poetry from Lover Boy over here?"
"I do not refer to him as 'Lover Boy.' Interesting. Do you?"
"He wishes!"
Adam went on. "Riley said several things, such as 'Where are your fangs now?' and 'That chip in your head's really got you on your knees.' It was not what I expected. But I found it pleasurable."
Spike looked impressed. "Mr. Finn! Those are naughty words for an uptight soldier boy!" He wrested his arm from Riley's grasp, turned around, grabbed Riley by the shoulders, and kissed him. "You may not be too bright," he said, "but I've got to admit, you look good in a tight shirt."
Riley stared incredulously at Spike.
"Very interesting," said Adam.
Spike ran his fingers through Riley's hair, then pulled it. Riley gasped. "But let's get this straight," he hissed. "There's no way Frankenstein over there is any substitute for me! I'm a legendary lover. William the Bloody Amazing In The Sack, they call me!" He shrugged off his coat, unbuckled Riley's pants, and smirked up at the embarrassed, blushing soldier.
"Riley is displaying sexual arousal," observed Adam.
"He knows that, Adam," said Riley, as Spike was no longer in a position to talk. Which, in addition to other benefits, was pleasant.
"Interesting," said Adam. "I am learning. I am programmed to observe behavior and improve my own capabilities. I find this experience very informative." He strode over towards the pair and described, in great detail, the many techniques with which he had been programmed. Riley did not appear to listen very closely, but Spike showed much enthusiasm for the seventh, twelfth, and thirteenth items on the list. Spike proceeded to teach Adam some additional skills. They didn't even realize they were missing Passions.
"So you really don't like the wrist thing?" said Spike to Riley some time later as he lit a cigarette and sat up against the wall.
"No, I really don't!" said Riley. "It's all bony and … retractable. It's weird, that's all."
"Suit yourself," said Spike. "And you don't like the chaos demon tongue thing, either? I mean, you gotta admit, someone had a real sense of humor giving Adam the tongue of a chaos demon! Have you seen a chaos demon?"
"Now you're just pushing my buttons," said Riley.
"Spike displays a wider range of sexual response," remarked Adam. "I have been thinking about--"
"Adam, conversation is not your strong suit," interrupted Spike. "Do me a favor and stick to spanking me with that tail of yours. I didn't even know you had a tail! Very clever lad!"
"Ugh, don't remind me," said Riley.
"Oh, let me guess--that's weird, too? My talents are wasted on you, farm boy!" Riley looked dejected. Spike stood up and began to dress himself. "But never fear. If you want to sneak off sometime and have shameful, furtive encounters in the cemetery some night the Slayer's not on patrol, you know where to find me. Mmm, sounds nice and sordid, doesn't it?"
He put his coat back on, strode towards the door, then turned back to face them again. "Oh, and fellows? I think we can all agree not to tell Buffy."