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When Juwon regains his consciousness and opens his eyes, he doubts what he sees. He sees a silhouette, blurry and unfocused, but he knows that silhouette. The silhouette he chased for months. The silhouette that he sees in his nightmares for the past year and more. He knows the silhouette and so he's doubting his eyes.
It's Lee Dongsik's silhouette. But what is the man doing here? Hundreds of kilometers away from Manyang? It can't be him.
“Juwon-ah,” Dongsik says, getting fully in Juwon's line of sight, “Han Juwon, are you awake?”
So it is Lee Dongsik.
“What are you doing here?” Juwon says, closing his eyes because the world seems to spin around him. He takes a few deep breaths and opens his eyes again, turning to his right to see the man.
Dongsik is back in his seat next to Juwon's bed. A disbelief smile on his face. A relief flashes there. “Aigoo, our Inspector Han Juwon.”
As the world starts to become steady, Juwon begins to realize what situation that he is in. He is in a hospital. He was unconscious. The last memory he has before he lost his consciousness is that he was on the hill, checking around for a lost kid.
“The kid—”
“She's fine,” Dongsik interrupts, knowing full well what Juwon was about to ask. “But you are not so much, apparently.”
“I'm okay,” Juwon says, moving to sit up. Dongsik pushes him back down with a sturdy hand on his chest and Juwon groans. “I'm okay, Lee Dongsik-ssi.”
Dongsik nods, but his eyes tell that he disagrees. “You are exhausted to the point of fainting but you are okay. Sure.”
“What are you doing here?” Juwon asks again, not knowing how to respond to Dongsik's words.
“You passed out and apparently not for the first time. Your chief wanted to contact your family for a possible health negligence issue, but your father is out of the question and you have no one else listed as an emergency contact. She ordered your partner to find anyone to call and your partner checked your phone.”
Juwon sighs. It's illegal.
“Apparently, based on their deduction, I am the closest that you have to a next of kin.”
Juwon looks away. He wants to say that it is not true. He wants to retaliate. But, unfortunately, it is kind of true. He has no one. No next of kin. Maybe Kwonhyuk if he's about to push it, but, no. No. He's alone.
Dongsik takes a deep breath and releases it. “What is this, Juwon-ah? Didn't I tell you to eat well, sleep well, shit well?”
“I'm fine.”
“If you are, I won't be here now, you punk,” Dongsik says, but with little to no venom in his voice. Instead, he sounds tired. Sad. “Tell me, what are you doing here?”
Juwon looks at Dongsik. By here, he must not mean the hospital. “To do my duty.”
Dongsik scoffs. “I talked to that chief of yours. You were tasked in Seoul, not here. You asked to be here. You were offered to go back to Munju. You refused. You asked to be here. Why, Han Juwon? What are you doing here? Are you chasing a case again? Are you putting yourself in danger again? Alone?”
“No,” Juwon is quick to answer. He can't bear looking at Dongsik's contorted features. There's disappointment in there. Worry. Sadness. “It's nothing like that. I promise.”
“Then, what are you doing here? Skipping meals, not sleeping, and closing yourself from anyone in your team?”
Juwon is not going to have this conversation right now. “Lee Dongsik-ssi, I am sorry that you have to go through inconveniences, I will make sure to fix this mistake. You won't be inconvenienced again.”
Something flashes across Dongsik's face. “A mistake, huh? So you do have a next of kin? One that is not in a prison? One that is not me?”
Juwon gulps. Why is there so much pain in those questions?
“Han Juwon,” Lee Dongsik says before Juwon can say anything, “I didn't say anything to you because you look fine the other day. I was—I don't even know if I am allowed to feel like this but—I was proud of you. You atoned to your wrongdoings, you progressed in life, you opened up to Manyang people. My people. Our people. But, I start to think that it was a poor judgment from my side, wasn't it? You're not progressing in life, you are punishing yourself.”
Juwon wants to counter but, again, he can't. It's true. To an extent, he is punishing himself. He did terrible things. He caused someone to lose their life. He pointed his finger at a completely wrong person when the culprit is his own father. But he didn't get any punishment? It's wrong. It feels wrong. He needs to be punished in one way or another. He was prepared to dive into hell. This is nowhere near hell.
“Let me ask you, what are your sins?” Dongsik asks, leaning back to his seat.
“Lee Geumhwa—”
“You've admitted that one. Officially. The whole country heard. Next.”
“But I—”
“They accepted your confession, investigated it, and gave you their decision. Based on the law that you held up so high, you're done with it. You've atoned that sin. And like I said, you should continue your work as police to atone for your sin and you did. You're now as holy as a saint in front of the law and in front of me. So, next.”
Juwon stares at Dongsik. His conscience is roaring inside of him, wanting him to protest and insist that that's not it. He's not done yet. However, Dongsik's eyes are sharp and unwavering, showing that he won't accept any protest. Showing that he meant what he said and that he believed what he said.
How could he? Juwon thinks to himself. How could he, when Juwon has done only terrible things to him?
The thought brings Juwon to his greatest guilt. To the biggest demon gnawing on his soul right now. He steels himself, regulates his breathing, and tries to say without wavering, “I falsely accused you, Lee Dongsik-ssi. I made you go through hell when— when the real culprit is—”
“Your dad,” Dongsik finishes. “Ah, no, let me revise that. The real culprit is Han Kihwan. Correct?”
Juwon nods.
“Correct. Han Kihwan. Not Han Juwon. The one that caused my Yuyeon's death is Han Kihwan. Park Jungjae maybe took part, but, ultimately, it's Han Kihwan. Han. Ki. Hwan. Not Han Juwon. Not you.”
“My father,” Juwon lets the words slide out of his tongue like poison. Bitter. Toxic.
“Is he?” Dongsik deadpans. “Is he your father, Inspector Han Juwon? Because currently, I don't see an ounce of him in you. You are not someone that will do terrible things just to make his ambition come true. You are not someone that will misuse his power for something that awful. You are someone that jumped straight to hell for justice. You are someone that went headfirst into danger because you knew someone was trying to frame me. You are that kid who kneeled in front of me while crying that night. Apologizing. Begging for me to let you finish it. You might be related by blood to him, but I will not let that fact define you because you are not what Han Kihwan is.”
Juwon feels something in the cavity of his chest. The glisten in Dongsik's eyes shifts something deep inside of him. His throat constricts. Something is crumbling but he doesn't know what. Yet.
“You had nothing to do with Yuyeon's death. If anything, you are the one who helped me to figure everything out. You are the one who helped me drag that man to his fall. I don't understand, Juwon-ah, what exactly is it that makes you feel guilty?”
“I accused you.”
“And so did Nam Sangbae,” Dongsik is fast to cut Juwon's words. He sighs, “Look, I don't know what that man has done and told to you in your entire life, but hear me out this time, okay? You didn't screw up, Juwon. You are not at fault. You were suspecting me because all the evidence was pointing at me. You did a great job, Juwon-ah. I was— I am proud of you.”
That words flip something in Juwon. He doesn't really know when he started shaking, but he is. He is trembling, even. He feels heat around his eyes and chest. His tears are pooling and falling without him being able to stop them. He doesn't know what's happening. It's too much. It's overwhelming.
At the view of Juwon crying, Dongsik comes to realize just how broken Han Juwon is. Han Juwon is just a kid that is left to his own amidst his father's ambition and the lost of his mother. Even as Juwon grows into a man with an ice cold shield, Juwon is still that kid inside. Broken and lonely and just want to do his best to be good.
In the two times that Dongsik watched Juwon shattered before—once in the rainy night when they found out what Han Kihwan did and once when Dongsik asked Juwon to arrest him—Dongsik had just watched through it. But now, now he reaches out. He grabs Juwon's arms and rubs them gently, making sure that Juwon can still push him away if he wants to.
Juwon grabs Dongsik's elbow. Slowly, he leans forward and places his head on Dongsik's shoulder. He is still shaking. Still crying. “I'm sorry, Dongsik-ssi. Sorry. I'm sorry.”
Dongsik takes it as a gesture of permission. Gently, he wraps his arms around Juwon's body and runs a hand up and down the man's back. Something that he wished he did in the past occurrences. “There's nothing to be sorry about, okay, Juwon-ah? You did great. You did really great, okay?”
“I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry,” Juwon chants like a mantra. He is not one to get too close to other people, but his position right now, in Dongsik's arms, makes him feel safe. He comes to realize that Dongsik has just given him what he didn't get from his father in his whole life. Acknowledgment. Acceptance. Sense of safety. Genuine worry that is entirely for him, not for the possibility of him ruining his father's ambition. Juwon feels like he's traveling back in time. Like he is now his five years old self, small and fragile, in his mother's arms. And maybe, maybe, this enormous guilt that devours him whole stems from the fear that he has failed the only person that has truly cared for him, even though it's in Dongsik's own, peculiar way.
“You know, for twenty years, I devoted my whole life for Yuyeon, my dead sister,” Dongsik says softly, tucking Juwon's head under his chin, “While in the prison, I got the time to think and I've decided. I've decided that it's time for me to focus on the living now. On Jungjae, Jihwa, Jihun, Jae-i. On you. Especially you.”
Juwon is on the brink of hyperventilation, but he won't release Dongsik from his grip.
“Because I don't have anyone else, Han Juwon. And I really— I really thought that it would be too egoistic of me to force myself into your lives because, you know, all of you have a life, so I decided to just sit and stare from afar. Not too close. Not in the way.”
Juwon shakes his head. Dongsik is never in the way. If anything, the whole world seems to be in Dongsik's way.
“When I saw you after my release, I thought you, too, were moving on with your life, you know? But,” Dongsik sniffles and releases a short laugh, “I guess that's not really the case, huh? If me finding you in a hospital bed is anything to go by.”
Juwon lets out a short laugh too, realizing how pitiful he is.
“So I gave it a thought while waiting for you to wake up and decided. Maybe— Maybe I'll let myself be egoist with you. Because you don't have anyone else too, right? Like me.”
Juwon's old habit makes him itch to crawl away and shuts Dongsik out, but the kid in him doesn't want to let Dongsik go. He trusts Dongsik.
“Juwon-ah, they asked me to go back to the station. In Seoul,” Dongsik says with an exhale. “I refused, but I made a call earlier.”
Juwon pulls back to look at Dongsik. He waits expectantly, as he thinks Dongsik should have stayed as a police. Dongsik is good. Dongsik has a good heart. Dongsik is what a police should be, despite his bouts of anger and unconventional ways.
“I said I will go back if and only if I can get my old partner back too.” Dongsik smiles, patting Juwon's startled face. “You will not be able to get rid of me, kid. At least not until I feel I have to get lost from your life.”
Juwon trembles. It feels like a lot of knots have been unraveled from his chest. Like a lot of worries have just been lifted. Like he has just been pulled from the pit of darkness he has been in this whole past year. A fresh stream of tears run down his cheeks.
“Aigoo, our Juwon-ie,” Dongsik laughs and pulls Juwon back to his embrace. “You will be so embarrassed about this tomorrow.”
Juwon shakes his head. He will be embarrassed, but he will face it. He has to learn to accept various feelings and he will start now. He won't be the stone-cold man his father has made him become. He wants warmth—something that he hopes he could learn from Dongsik.
“Dongsik-ssi,” Juwon calls.
“Yes?” Dongsik answers readily.
“May I list you as my emergency contact?”
Dongsik stays silent for a few seconds. But then, he nods. “Mine has been Kang Jinmuk for a while now, maybe I should change it to you too? Since you will be my partner again.”
Juwon nods.
“Oh wait, maybe that doesn't make sense,” Dongsik says suddenly.
Juwon freezes. What's the matter?
“I don't think I could be your emergency contact if you still call me Lee Dongsik-ssi when we're not at work, right?”
Juwon's fear melts into a short, disbelieving laugh. He looks up at Dongsik and finds the cheeky expression he has seen too many times before.
“Come on, say it, Juwon-ah.”
“Hyung,” Juwon whispers, testing how it feels on his tongue. “Dongsikkie-hyung.”
Dongsik smiles. For a fleeting moment, the words 'my dongsaeng' pop up in his head but the shock of it drags him back to the memories of Yuyeon, and then of his partner back in Seoul. He feels the familiar heat shooting up his chest and his thigh. His vision becomes blurry and he swallows to prevent any tears from falling but he fails.
This time, it's Juwon that reaches to envelop Dongsik in his arms. He couldn't know what's going on in Dongsik's head, but he understands pain. He understands wounds. “Aigoo, our Dongsikkie-hyung,” he whispers, trying Dongsik's tactic in lightening the mood, causing Dongsik to laugh a bit and relax in his arms. “We'll both be so embarrassed about this tomorrow.”
Dongsik nods but he doesn't try to get away from Juwon's embrace.
Maybe, hopefully, they will be able to heal someday.
Together.