I Wanna Gag, I Wanna Choke

by Mirenelle

Summary:

12 months of Itachi living his best life.

Notes:

Literally just Itachi getting porked 12 times.

Chapter 1: Kabuto

Itachi had been allowed back in the village after Tsunade found out the truth about the massacre. She had used her massive carumbas to crack the elder's head like walnuts. It was a nice day for everyone. But since Itachi had dying anime mom hair, it meant he was sick so Sasuke usually made him go to the doctor.

 

Konohagakure didn't have many good doctors anymore. Tsunade was like the president now so she was too busy embezzling things. There was Sakura but she was just sorta there. So it fell to other options. Kabuto liked to play doctor. He technically wasn't licensed but Konoha was a fucking shit show, so here he was. Doctor Kabuto at your service.

 

Itachi had gone into the creepy looking office. On the wall was a poster of a cat hanging from a branch. 'You can do it.' It said; Itachi thought it was lying, just like his father.

 

"Paging doctor Kabuto," a disembodied voice called out and Itachi looked around in confusion as a live studio audience clapped in the distance.  Kabuto came from stage left, a spotlight shining on him. He tripped. Itachi watched as Kabuto fell down a flight of stairs, not moving to help like the cold bitch he was. Kabuto stood and brushed himself off.

 

He slowly removed his glasses, his smile so sharp that Itachi swore he could hear the shing of a blade. "How may I help you, m'tachi?" He dipped a fedora that magically appeared on his head.

"How did you do that?" Itachi finally asked, only slightly curious but mostly annoyed. He could be doing better things with his time.

"A doctor never shares his secrets," Kabuto scolded, while shutting the door in Orochimaru's face, his tongue caught. Kabuto slithered up Itachi's side like a fuckin' snake. "How may I be of assistance?" He asked, and Itachi inched away. Kabuto had never learned of personal bubbles.

They could hear Orochimaru struggling to free his tongue from the door, muffled swearing. Both ignored him. "I have a migraine," Itachi informed Kabuto. "My brother forced me to come see you." Sasuke had all but punted him at the office.

 

"Hmmm yes that does sound like Sasuke," he mused. "Have you tried to just not have a headache?" Itachi wondered if anyone would be upset if he killed Kabuto.

 

"I hadn't thought of that," he replied and Kabuto shrugged, scratching his chin thoughtfully.

 

"Let me take a look at you and we can discuss your options." It seemed fair enough so Itachi agreed. It was a bit of an odd request when Kabuto handed him a hospital gown.

 

"Do I really need to wear this?"

 

"Hospital policy," Kabuto pushed the gown into his hands. "Now strip." 

 

So fucking rude.

He wandered off, leaving Itachi to prepare himself. He took off his pants and underwear, folding them and setting them aside. He unbuttoned his shirt, his manly busom on display. Itachi changed into the gown, his ass hanging out in a super inappropriate way. 

 

Slut.

When Kabuto came back, Itachi was seated on the metal table. Kabuto diligently looked him over, checking his blood pressure and listening to his heartbeat and all that shit you would see on Grey's Anatomy or something. When finished, Kabuto wrote down some notes, humming importantly to himself. The lights dimmed and in the distance Itachi could hear 'How to Save a Life' playing. Kabuto removed his glasses, looking deeply troubled.

 

"What is it, doctor?" Itachi asked, hands clasped in front of him. The music dipped low as Kabuto leaned forward.

 

"I know what you need Itachi, I know how I can save you."

 

"How?" The music swelled. Kabuto walked away, dramatically sweeping a bunch of paperwork onto the floor as the music became a roar. He leaned against the counter, bracing it with his head lowered.

 

"Dammit." He muttered.

 

"It's okay," Itachi quietly attempted to comfort him. "I can take it. What is the prognosis?" Kabuto turned to look at him, a shadow falling over his face.

 

"What you need is vitamin D," Kabuto lifted his leg to rest his foot on the stool and Itachi could see a bulge in his pants 

 

"I beg your pardon?" Itachi put a hand against his chest like an affronted Victorian lady.

 

Kabuto suddenly pulled a bottle from his pants and handed it to Itachi. "Vitamin D. You're very pale, you need some sunlight."

 

"Oh." Itachi took the bottle.

 

There was a moment of awkward silence. "Also, you need my penis."

 

"There it is," Itachi sighed in defeat. Kabuto jotted down the prescription, handing it to Itachi. It was a dick pic. "This seems like too small a dose." He complained and Kabuto shrugged, ripping his pants off.

 

"It's quality," he replied and Itachi found he couldn't exactly argue with that. Kabuto was a doctor after all. "Now go bend over the table while I get ready." This seemed like an odd way to cure a migraine but Sasuke had told him to go to a doctor and here he was.

 

He bent over the metal table, thumbs fiddling as he waited. Kabuto slammed a huge gallon of lube onto the counter. Itachi watched in open mortification as he punched his hand into the container.

 

"How is your fist up my ass supposed to alleviate a headache?" Itachi finally asked and Kabuto looked up in confusion.

 

"What?" He blinked. "Oh it's a new age medical practice. It's all the rage in the Sound Village." Kabuto nodded vigorously and Itachi frowned before shrugging. Who was he to question medical practices when he suffered from Ninja Tuberculosis.

 

"Shouldn't you wear gloves?" He asked as Kabuto greased up to his elbow.

 

"A real doctor doesn't need gloves." Kabuto replied, approaching Itachi, lube dripping from his fingers.

 

"Oh. Proceed then." Kabuto didn't need to be told twice.  He slapped Itachi's ass, kicking his legs apart because he had horrible bedside manners. His fingers were cold and Itachi jolted as they skimmed down between his legs.

 

"This will likely need to be done twice a week," Kabuto informed him, taking Itachi’s balls in his and lathering them in lubricant. Itachi nodded, not trusting himself to speak. "Head down." Kabuto instructed and like the passive little bitch he was, Itachi rested his head on his arms.

 

Kabuto's finger slid up from his balls, moving to circle his hole like a vulture over prey. He gave no warning as he slipped his finger inside, pressing flush against Itachi who released a soft sigh. A second finger soon followed and Itachi could hear them squelching as they moved. Positively lewd. Kabuto was humming elevator music to himself like a psychopath, gathering up any lube he could and shoving it back inside. 

 

"I'm adding a third now," Kabuto explained and Itachi hummed in response. He was hard, his cock pressed rather uncomfortably against the table. The third finger definitely stung a bit but after years of being plowed by Kisame "two dong" Hoshigski, it really wasn't much of anything. He gasped, hips immediately moving forward until Kabuto pulled him back, working his fingers in and out and stretching them.

"You know," Kabuto began conversationally, "Once I have my fist up your ass you will sort of be like a puppet. Makes me think of that guy in the Akatsuki I used to chill with. You remember him...now what was his name?" 

 

"Can we not discuss Sasori while your fist is up my ass?" Itachi asked in a strained voice. 

 

" Sasori ! That's right...and technically my fist isn't up your ass yet," there was a rustle and Itachi practically screamed as Kabuto's hand shoved forward. " Now my fist is in your ass." The Uchiha was too stunned to speak.

 

He wasn't exactly sure how he felt about this; he was full and although Kabuto's arm was not nearly as thick as Kisame's massive meat, it was still a very enjoyable feeling. Kabuto grasped Itachi’s hip with his free hand, twisting his wrist inside Itachi and listening to the needly little noises Itachi made. 

 

"Are you always this whiny when you have a fist up your ass?" He asked, spreading Itachi apart to stare at the pink wet rim of Itachi's hole as it seemed to try to pull Kabuto's arm in.

 

"I-I usually don't have arms up my ass," Itachi replied, rocking his hips against the table, trying to get some friction against his leaking cock.

 

"Ah my apologies," Kabuto moved his arm. "Most of my patients have experience in this field." Lube was leaking out of Itachi's hole, leaving shiny streaks against his thighs. Kabuto could hear Orochimaru scratching at the door, but a good doctor was not so easily distracted. He pulled his arm out, slapping Itachi's ass and watching as his hole gaped, as if to beckon Kabuto back inside, like grandma with chocolate chip cookies on a cold winter day. Itachi whined, finally reaching to take his cock in hand. Kabuto hadn’t been able to find the stirrups so he was going to have to go in the old fashioned way. He shoved Itachi's head down, leaning down to sniff his hair.

 

Did Itachi use some fancy ass shampoo? He certainly smelled like it. Maybe he could scalp him and wear his hair to his upcoming birthday party. He grasped a handful of that lucious Uchiha hair, keeping Itachi's face pressed firmly against the table. He could feel Itachi jerking himself off, arm frantically moving. Kabuto lined up against Itachi hole. He felt a tingle at the back of his neck, as if he was in danger. He turned to see Sasuke Uchiha's face pressed against the window, looking as pleasant as always. Which was to say he looking fucking pissed.

 

He mouthed something. 'I'll kill you.'

 

Such a nice boy, but Kabuto couldn't hear him. "Oh my god…." Itachi breathed and Kabuto practically preened in pleasure.

 

"How do I feel?" He asked, hips rocking against Itachi. Sasuke’s nose was mashed up against the glass, fogging it up.

"Small," Itachi confirmed. "Very underwhelming." He was texting someone. When had he gotten a phone?

 

"That's not what your father said last night!" Kabuto shot back.

 

"My father is dead."

 

"Oh...I'm sorry for your loss." Kabuto somberly replied as he continued to plow Itachi.

"Thank you," Itachi rocked his hips back. "I killed him." Sasuke released a screech that sounded like a Nazgul from Lord of the Rings. He should probably see a doctor about that. Kabuto grasped Itachi’s ponytail, yanking his head back as he got close. Itachi came with a muffled cry, toes curling and it was only Kabuto's hold on him that kept him upright. The door burst open, smacking off the wall.

"Doctor you have a patient on the line," Karin peeked her head in, adjusting her glasses as she watched Kabuto smash.

 

"Hold my calls until I'm done here." Kabuto instructed. Karin nodded, turning to leave and shoving Orochimaru back when he tried to sneak around her. Itachi pressed his cheek against the table, eyes closed as Kabuto continued to fuck into him. "I'm writing you a prescription for twice a week as needed." 

 

"Okay," Itachi agreed, fingers desperately attempting to gain purchase against the smooth surface of the table. "Whatever you recommend." Kabuto yanked him back by his hair, grasping at him as he came, practically lifting Itachi to his toes. The door opened again and both looked over to see Karin. She looked like she had been in a fight and her mascara was running down her cheeks.

 

"Doctor come quick, there's been a helicopter crash with slow motion action sequences." Karin clutched at her pearls, angsty alternative music playing in the background.

 

"Finally," Kabuto breathed, shoving Itachi off the table. "The time for my unnecessary plot point is here." Kabuto's time to shine had finally come. His white coat dramatically swayed around him as he strode out of the exam room, a slow motion run to his destiny.

Itachi left with a sore ass and a migraine. 

Chapter 2: Karin

Summary:

February-Karin/Itachi

“Hey uh Karin, we’re outta pickles.” 

Pickles.

Pickles. 

Okay Karin, just breathe.

It wasn't that big of a deal.

They were out of pickles. How the fuck did they run out of pickles? Karin worked at a fucking Subway. A prerequisite for operating a fucking Subway was that you didn't fucking run out of pickles during a lunch rush.  "Did you check the shelves?" Karin asked as she toasted one of the sandwiches, not looking at her coworker as he uselessly stood by the door, picking his nose with his pinky.

 

"Uh yeah," he mumbled and Karin fought down a scowl, taking the sandwich out and moving it to the counter. 

 

"Are you sure? Do you want to check again?" She wrapped the sub, placing the Subway sticker over the parchment with a little more force than necessary, but since the sandwich was a sub, it liked it.

 

"I checked three times already." Suigetsu argued, watching as she threw the food to the customer, ignoring the dismayed cry they let out as it landed on the ground.

"If I go back there and I find them I will stuff an entire sub up your ass." Karin threatened, pointing her finger in Suigetu’s face.

"That's hot." She heard a voice whisper from the line of customers. She stormed into the back, searching the shelves with the kind of anger only a mother having to clean up after her five stupid ass children could manage.

There, on the second shelf were the pickles.

It was days like these when Karin wondered why she hadn't murdered Suigetsu and been done with it. No one would miss him. By the time Karin had cooled her shit enough to return she could see new customers had walked in, including Sasuke Uchiha.

 

Sasuke used to work at Subway but was fired after shooting a customer in the face with mayonnaise after being hit on. Luckily it seemed Orochimaru hadn't been upset, quite the opposite actually but Anko had fired Sasuke anyway. It wasn't the first time he had assaulted a customer. He had brought his hot brother along. Maybe this day wouldn’t suck quite as badly as Karin had assumed. She quickly fluffed her hair and puffed out her chest before striding to the counter.

 

"Welcome to Subway,” she greeted and Sasuke glared at her, but she ignored him in favor of his brother. “What can I get you?”

“We already ordered.” Sasuke snapped, reaching to tug Itachi along when the older Uchiha offered her a polite smile. Karin deflated in disappointment. No matter, she could bounce back from this little setback. She unbuttoned her top two buttons, once flying off and hitting Orochimaru in the eye when the man tried to sneak in through the door. No one noticed.

“I want to eat your footlong." Karin leaned over the counter, displaying her melons.

"I ordered a salad." Itachi replied promptly, showing it to her. Itachi came in with his brother ordering some sad vegetables, he desperately needed some meat in his diet.

 

"I'd love to toss your salad," Karin ran her finger down the glass divider, eyes fixed on him, and Itachi looked down at his salad for a moment before moving to hand it to her. They would take Eat Fresh to a whole new level. 

"Itachi, no!" Sasuke elbowed his way forward, as if to cock his poor dumb brother's virtue. He swiped Itachi's salad away before Karin could touch it. Karin scowled at him. So it was treason then. Fine, Karin would not lose to the likes of Sasuke Uchiha. She would just have to play harder. Suddenly, she hopped onto the counter, sending vegetables flying and Juugo cowering in the corner. Karin crossed her legs as she fixed Itachi with a grin, light reflecting off her glasses in a predatory way.

 

"He's welcome to come and visit my meat curtains," Karin batted her eyelashes as she lowered her glasses to stare at Itachi who seemed bewildered by the turn of events. She could hear Suigetsu dry heaving and a family of four were weeping. 

 

"Karin, please." Juugo pleaded from the corner, "This is a family friendly place."

 

"He and I could make a family." Karin  draped herself over the counter. "Go for a stroll in my love tunnel." She took a pepper and bit into it, maintaining eye contact with Itachi.

 

"Stop." Juugo wailed. 

 

"Have a discussion with my front bottom," Sasuke looked aghast and Itachi attempted to take his pathetic salad back.

"This is my 13th reason." Suigetsu whispered in dismay. 

 

“You could say hello to my immense ham hammock.” Karin was on a roll and Juugo was weeping as he called their manager. Karin had taken the olive oil and doused herself in it, running her hands down her chest, the oil shining against her skin.

“Please Anko, she’s doing it again.” He was weeping. They all were.

“My extra hot hot pocket is hot and ready for your mouth.” Karin was prepared to swan dove off the counter onto Itachi.

 

“We have to leave!” Sasuke finally declared, throwing Itachi’s salad and ignoring his brother’s dismayed sigh as he all but dragged him towards the door.

 

“Wear me like earmuffs on a cold winter’s day!” Karin offered, tearing her shirt off and tossing it into the crowd.

“Karin,” Anko’s voice shouted from the receiver. “We talked about this!”

"Come back again!" Karin called out as they walked towards the door. "I can let you eat my cookie if you would like!"

 

"I like cookies," she heard Itachi murmur as Sasuke all but threw him towards the car. "Sasuke, shouldn't we at least-"

"No." Sasuke snapped, shoving Orochimaru out of his way and knocking him to the ground.

Itachi turned in time to see Karin pressed against the window, breasts smooshed against the glass. She breathed against the glass, fogging it up and writing out her phone number.

"I wish I could read," Itachi said in dismay.

 

“I wish I was dead,” Sasuke replied sullenly, fumbling for his keys and dropping them. Karin ran from the door, moving as if she were in a track race as she leaped over Orochimaru who was struggling to his feet, throwing him back into the dirt. Sasuke was frantically struggling to get his keys back, but it was too late. Karin approached the pair, like a lion on two dumb gazelles’s. 

"Here's my number," Karin handed the piece of paper to Itachi. "Call me sometime and let me sit on your face." Itachi took the piece of paper, still dumb and too nice to refuse.

"Yes ma'am." He replied and Sasuke dragged him into the car as Itachi politely waved at Karin. Karin stood in the Superman pose, watching as Sasuke sped away. She heard Juugo and Suigetsu slowly approach her.

 

“Anko says you’re fired.” Juugo mumbled and Karin grinned. The customers all stood, watching the exchange like it was dinner theater. 

 

“Worth it.”

 

Chapter 3: Shikamaru and Choji

Summary:

I'm not apologizing.

It all started when Sasuke called him a background character. They had all been enjoying drinks and doing whatever young ninjas do when they weren't dying for the state, and Sasuke Uchiha called him a background character. Sasuke, with his flat ass and flatter personality was coming for him ? Shikamaru could not let that stand. He would have retribution.

 

"I'm going to fuck his brother." Shikamaru declared over dinner, after bitching about Sasuke for the entire meal. Choji looked up from his bowl.

 

"You're going to fuck his brother?" He repeated and Shikaru nodded.

 

" We're going to fuck his brother." He emphasized, throwing his chopsticks aside like some sort of animal.

 

"Oh. Sounds fair I guess." Choji returned to his meal. He never was the type to let things get to him. It was why he was such a catch.

 

The next day they went to Itachi’s office. Itachi was one of those people who was half terrifying and half embarrassing. Like a soccer mom but without the haircut or the homophobia. He had been busy doing nerd work but was too polite to turn them away when Choji had used Shikamaru like a battering ram to enter his office.

 

They explained their intentions and Itachi politely listened. "Let me check my schedule," Itachi replied primly, pulling out a spiral notebook and leafing through it. Shikamaru scowled as he waited as Choji shifted from foot to foot. "I suppose I can make time for you this evening," Itachi mused. "I have yoga this afternoon  and I am assassinating Orochimaru after that."

"I thought it was impossible to actually kill him." Choji spoke up and Itachi waved him off.

"Oh probably, but I do it for meditation purposes." He explained as he signed his name on something. "At least it gives me something to do."

"You're Hokage." Shikamaru crossed his arms over his chest. "I figured you would do what you want."

"Of course I can, why do you think seven candy shops have opened since I took office?" Choji was staring at Itachi like he was in love. Shikamaru was losing him. "So this is to get back at my foolish little brother?"

"Yeah." Shikamaru shrugged and Itachi sighed in disappointment.

"You kids today have no concept of revenge," Itachi scolded. "What happened to just killing each other's loved ones and telling them that they're weak and unworthy?"

"Metal." Choji whispered in awe.

"Well I have you in the books for later today." Itachi glanced up at the pair, fingers laced together as he rested them on the desk. "Now come back later, Orochimaru will be visiting soon." 

"Yes sir!" Choji practically smacked himself as he saluted Itachi, Shikamaru shuffling his feet and nodding. They hadn't expected Itachi to agree, but then again this is a work of fiction so anything goes I  guess.

 

Some unnecessary time and plot later,  they returned to Itachi’s office. Naturally Shikamaru tried to be late, but Choji would not allow it. He was like Princess Jasmine, ready for a whole new world. Mainly Itachi’s ass. Itachi was waiting in his office, spinning dramatically in his seat like some James Bond villain, even though James Bond doesn't exist in this universe so he just looked like a bad bitch instead. So in the end, Shikamaru was still a background character, but he was a background character that porked a main character's beloved brother. Plus Choji was there, because unlike Sasuke, Shikamaru valued his friends and sharing with them.

Shikamaru pushed Itachi down, fingers spreading across his back as he kept him pinned.  "Fuck-" He grunted, hips rocking back. Across from him, Choji was trying desperately not to grab Itachi by the hair as the Uchiha swallowed him down like he was an all you can eat buffet.  Itachi lifted his eyes to stare up at Choji, his face glistening with drool. It was undignified b ut somehow Itachi did it flawlessly. No wonder he was the Hoekage. 

Afterwards, Shikamaru sat on the desk, lighting up several cigarettes and smoking while Itachi lounged on the floor, sremingly quite pleased with himself. Choji was lying next to Itachi staring at the ceiling as if it had all the answers of the universe. "Guess that's one way to lose your virginity," he mused. Itachi glanced over at him while Shikamaru choked on one of his precious cigarettes.

"Choji, you never said you were a virgin!" Shikamaru scolded but Choji waved him off.

"It's all good, at least I'll have a better story than all you losers, not you Itachi-san, I'm sure you've been around the village a few times.

Well he had him there.

They sauntered out of the office, or maybe limped. Either way, they ran into Sasuke Uchiha in the hall, brooding. Shikamaru grinned at Sasuke, all teeth. Sasuke stared back, unaffected, because he was cool. He walked into the office to find Itachi sitting on a bag of frozen vegetables and reading.

"Hello Otouto," he greeted without looking up.

"Hey," Sasuke replied plopping down into the seat across from his brother and watching him read. "Why were the two sear fillers here?" He drawled.

"They were certainly filling something today," Itachi hummed, glancing over at Sasuke and looking rather smug for someone who had taken it up the ass. 

"What?"

"Hm?" Itachi smiled and Sasuke finally connected the dots.

"Nii-san…" Sasuke whispered. 'Nii-san why?"

"I was bored." Itachi replied primly, setting the files aside.

"But…you're a virgin," Sasuke's voice trailed off as Itachi flipped the page, circling something.

"Otouto, I can assure you that I am not a virgin and haven't been for years." Itachi didn’t bother looking up from his paperwork as Sasuke collapsed to the floor, clutching his chest.

Chapter 4: Kakashi

The seedy bar in Konohagakure that no polite person went to had the best jello shots around. That was what first brought Itachi there as he was hungry and wanted some jello. He had eaten at least seven when the tingling began.

"What is it boys?" Itachi asked, looking down at his nipples. "What do you see?" Kakashi Hatake walked penis first into the bar. He was incredibly good looking but was sort of a dick, which was what got Itachi going. He always thought Kakashi was hot, in a weird way. Like, maybe he would be considered a Amegakure 4, but in Konohagakure he was at least a 7, maybe 7.5. Itachi was a 10 and always enjoyed charity work, plus his father hated Kakashi which boosted him up to a 9 in Itachi’s opinion.

Kakashi Hatake was off limits, like a lot of fun things people wanted to do. Fugaku was still pissed that he had Obito's eyes which Itachi didn’t understand. It wasn't like Obito was going to use them; he was dead. Tenzo followed Kakashi inside, looking tired as he babysat his senpai. He needed a raise, but this was Konohagakure and they liked working their people to death. Like Shisui. RIP.

Kakashi was playing pool, which while probably not a canon style game in Naruto, seems incredibly sexy when you're trying to get laid, which was what Itachi was trying to do. He was also smoking because he was hot. 

Itachi approached him, straight backed as if he didn't have ninja scoliosis or whatever illness he had. "I want you to put the sour cream in the burrito," Itachi lewdly informed Kakashi and Tenzo audibly gasped, clutching his pearls. Kakashi only sighed, seemingly dejected by this.

"I'm your former captain." Kakashi dramatically looked away. "It wouldn't be proper." A light came down from above, casting Kakashi half in the shadows. Itachi liked doing improper things; he jaywalked regularly.

"Aye aye, Captain." Itachi breathed. Kakashi snapped the pool stick over his knee and Itachi wished that was him.

"Senpai please," Tenzo wailed. "We're in public."

"I hate the public." Kakashi replied, maintaining eye contact with Itachi as he began to unzip his jacket, tossing it to the side to be caught by Hai who shrieked in delight.

"Think of the children!" Tenzo motioned to graffiti art on the wall that Naruto made. It sucked.

"I hate children." Kakashi replied and Itachi swooned. Kakashi caught him, head turning to the side to hide his conflicting feelings. "Fine, I guess I can explore your forbidden arts." The next scene they were naked.

He took the 8 ball and held it in his hand; he could be super freaky and see how many he could fit in Itachi, but these balls were not properly sanitized.He tossed the pool ball over his shoulder just as Orochimaru was sneaking by. It hit him in the head knocking him out while Kabuto wept at his side.

Kakashi slammed Itachi onto the table that Kurenai and Asuma were eating at, but they didn't mind. It was dinner and a show. Kakashi took his meat stick, his hot throbbing kielbasa, his cockalsurus rex and he put it in Itachi’s back-door. As this was a shitty bar, this display really surprised no one and they continued on, except for Tenzo who was watching like the freak he was. Itachi moaned as Kakashi slammed into him, a cigarette suddenly appearing in his still masked face. Somewhere Fugaku was weeping. 

Kakashi's grip on Itachi's thighs were painful and he didn't bother letting up, bending Itachi in half and moving his hips like Shakira. Itachi was young and hot and probably off limits and Kakashi got off on that sort of thing. Asuma and Kurenai continued their date, staring lovingly into each other's eyes. Disgusting.

Kakashi's palm pressed down against Itachi's shoulder, keeping him in place. "This is the end for you my master," Itachi warned Kakashi who shook his head. He knew the path Itachi was going to take. It was far too dangerous.

"Don't try it!" It was too late. Itachi used his legs to throw Kakashi off balance and switch positions with him on top, managing to keep Kakashi's cock inside him as he rocked against the older man. He lay his fingers against his chest, maintaining eye contact as he took Kakashi deeper. 

There was a series of impressed gasps. "Such wonderful form," Genma whispered in awe from the back.

"Good show," Anko agreed as she stole Orochimaru's wallet from his unconscious body as Kabuto uselessly wailed. Kakashi's head fell back, thumping against the table and Itachi effortlessly kept him pinned. He had learned so much. Such a prodigy.

Tenzo slammed himself down on the table, slapping his palm down against the surface. "Once, two…three, you came!" He jumped up cheering like the good friend he was, there were polite golf claps and calls for an encore. Kakashi's back hurt too much like the old man he was and Itachi had other plans.

They shook penises like gentlemen and Kakashi watched as he left, shoving Kabuto out of the way like the true shinobi he was.

Chapter 5: Tsunade and Kushina

"Lady Tsunade, Itachi Uchiha is here for his appointment," the unnamed and unimportant extra poked their head in the door to where Tsunade and Kushina were eating nachos and watching the ninja version of Grey's Anatomy. Itnl was as over the top and cringey as the original. Moving on.

Tsunade tossed her nachos aside. "Send him in," she tried to sound official but there was a bit of nacho cheese on her chin. The unpaid intern shuffled a bit.

"Well, we already lost him."

"I told you to not let him wander." Kushina piped up, waggling her finger in obvious disapproval. "He is terrible with directions." They were just going to have to collect him. Kushina was happily married but Minato was mainly into missionary. It was boring. Like watching paint dry or Iruka talk.

Tsunade and Kushiha marched down the hall like they were in the military or some shit and Tsunade used her gigantic congas to ram down the door to her office. Shizune was sitting in Tsunade's chair, casually spinning it in circles. 

"Shizune!" Tsunade barked, causing the woman to fall from the chair. "Where the fuck is Itachi?" Shizune pointed over to the corner where Itachi was on the floor, holding a crayon and coloring. "Oh good, you distracted him."

Itachi held up the drawing of a crying child. "I drew myself."

"That's nice," Kushina replied kindly while Tsunade took the paper and ripped it up like Itachi's hopes and dreams. 

"Play times over Uchiha, we have a lot of things to discuss. Now go sit on that fainting couch."

"Yes mommy- I mean." Itachi shuffled over to the couch and politely sat on it. Tsunade smacked Shizune from the chair with her massive tiddies and made herself comfortable as Kushiha lurked over her shoulder.

"Now," Tsunade looked over her very important paperwork. "It says here that your brother murdered Orochimaru and put his remains in Danzo's salad which he then ate and had an allergic reaction to and died?"

"Yes, we are all very proud of him."

"Same, but he needs to clean up after himself. I'm still finishing Orochimaru's hair in weird places."

"Understood, I shall speak to him." Itachi solemnly promised and Tsunade tossed the paperwork aside.

"Good, he's done a fine thing for us. I take it Mikoto was the one to teach him how to serve a salad?"

"Yes, mother has tossed many salads in her life."

"And I'm sure she's taught you as well." Kushina sagely nodded.

"Yes." Itachi confirmed and Kushina leaned against the desk, watching Itachi closely.

"Mikoto may have been your mother boy, but she wasn't your mommy." Kushina declared.

Itachi blinked. "May have been?" Kushina and Tsunade shared looks.

"Oh shit, we were supposed to tell him his parents were dead." Tsunade hissed.

"My parents are dead?" Itachi stared in horror.

"Surprise!"

"Congratulations!" Tsunade and Kushina spoke at the same time. Itachi blinked, grasping at the couch as if afraid he would swoon.

"Does Sasuke know?" Itachi finally asked after a angsty moment of angsting. Tsunade sighed, leaning back in her chair, a pitying look crossing her face.

"We sent our most trusted shinobi to gently break it to him." She promised him.

Elsewhere, Ibiki, Kakashi and Genma dramatically reenacted Fugaku and Mikoto's death to Sasuke as he stared in horror sitting in a public restaurant. Kakashi playing Fugaku, lay dead and unmoving with a fake katana sticking from his chest as Genma playing Mikoto screamed and wailed over his chest before Ibiki, playing the murderer cut off her head.

Kushina reached out to take Itachi’s scrawny ass hands in her own. "In your mother's will, she wanted us to make you less of a little bitch."

"I always knew she cared." Itachi dabbed at his eyes. "Please proceed." He would gladly do whatever his mother wished because he had literally mommy issues and had never seen tiddies in his life and suddenly Tsunade was flopping out her ridiculous Triple F breasts and Kushina was doing squats in the corner.

Tsunade pinned Itachi's shoulders against the couch. "It's been awhile since I topped a twink." She moved her hips down against Itachi’s face, as Kushina tore his pants down his skinny legs. Shizune reclaimed Tsunade's chair and played Wordle on her phone as Itachi was effectively topped across the room.

Tsunade had a great ass as well, like Kardashian level but it was 100% Tsunade cake. Itachi could only cling to her thighs as she sat on his face, Kushina riding him like he was the bull at a rodeo show or some hetero shit like that. Itachi had never had someone sit on his face before but he wasn't a genius for nothing. 

Tsunade's phone buzzed and Shizune quickly answered. "Ah yes, hello Minato-san, yes Kushina-san is still here. She and Lady Tsunade are comforting Itachi due to his loss." Shinzu explained, watching as Minato wife used her dead best friend's son like a sex toy. "Yes, we are all very grieved about their untimely death and the fact that they were murdered by Kabuto. It was all unexpected. Hmm? Yes, I shall relay the mess-oh that noise? Itachi is simply deep in his emotions. Yes, I will. Thank you, goodbye." She hung up and threw the phone out the window. Tsunade had Itachi's hair in a death grip, rolling her hips against his mouth, eyes clenched shut.

"Rest in peace, Mikoto." She finally managed to breathe, Kushina repeating her. "Fugaku too, I guess." Such good friends. Itachi walked out of the office, his hair a wreck and mysterious eyeliner tears running down his cheeks. Poor guy lost his parents and now would have to deal with Sasuke's bullshit on his own.

In ninja heaven, Fugaku gazed down with a smile. "That's my boy."

 

Chapter 6: Akatsuki

The Akatsuki were a horny bunch, don't let the fact that Hidan was a man of the cloth or that no one would ever fuck Zetsu fool you. They were practically animals. Kisame's penis would enter a room at least 30 seconds before he even walked through the door. It made sneaking a bit difficult, but that was fine.

 

"You must be very proud," Konan informed Itachi one morning as Itachi sat on a bag of ice. Not from getting fucked by Kisame's massive meat kielbasa, but by Kisame's giant sausage accidentally hitting Itachi and sending him flying across the hideout.

 

"I am," Itachi replied with a sage nod. "It's very useful." Kisame's penis, much like a sentient being with a mind of its own. It had ravaged several smaller villages and bankrupted the Sound Village after running over Orochimaru while he was out for a walk.

 

 

"I would love to see it," Konan rested her chin in her palm, watching as Kisame struggled to open a jar of spinach to make his famous spinach puffs.

Kisame flexed and the sleeve of his shirt ripped.

 

"Jashin, I wish that was me," Hidan hummed, sitting across from Itachi and stealing his tea.

 

"That's hot," Itachi informed him.

 

"Thanks," Hidan replied, brushing his hair back from his face. "It's a new mousse I'm using." He went to drink the tea but it was scalding.

 

"I told you." Itachi watched Kisame put the puffs in the oven. A shadow fell over him and Itachi looked up.

 

"It's your birthday," Zetsu informed Itachi. He was creepy looking and not in the attractive way like Sasori. RIP.

 

"Yes." He could hear Kisame encouraging the spinach puffs to rise.

 

"Well, we have a surprise for you." Deidara appeared suddenly, like herpes. Itachi frowned. Last time he had a surprise he nuked his family.

 

"We're running a train on you." Hidan stage whispered.

 

"We have a train?" Itachi highly doubted Kakuzu would approve the Akatsuki purchasing a train.

 

"No, we have penises…and a vagina." Zetsu pointed to Konan who nodded. She indeed had a vagina.

 

"Oh." A train would have been more exciting. Father never took him on a train, and now he was dead.

 

"Prepare for trouble, and make it…oc…octuple?" Deidara began to do a headcount.

 

Itachi was flat on his back in no time, staring at the ceiling as his legs were pushed up against his chest. He supposed there were worse ways to spend his birthday.

 

"You could have at least offered me dinner first." Itachi muttered in offense. This was highly irregular and Itachi would probably need to speak to the manager when they were done. Then he saw both Pein and Tobi and well, there went that idea.

 

"Don't worry babes, you'll be getting stuffed tonight." Hidan patted his thigh; he had cut in line like some sort of barbarian. He at least had the decency to use lubricant…or was that…that was strawberry jelly. 

 

"We didn't have the funds for lubrication," Kakuzu explained from where he was watching Kisame's rising spinach puffs.

 

Itachi really couldn't complain, Hidan had sold his fingers to Jashin which as a religious figure meant he was really good at putting his fingers and penis in things he likely shouldn't. Like the blender from last month. His penis wasn't that impressive, but after being beaten by Kisame's python phallus there was no real competition anymore. It was bigger than Deidara's though, so there was that. 

 

Hidan fucked in roughly, squeezing Itachi's thighs as he pressed in. Itachi’s eyes slid closed. Hidan wouldn't touch his dick because "that was gay." 

 

Deidara's creepy mouth hand was attached to Itachi’s nipple and Itachi was torn between revulsion and wanting to request he use it on his asshole.

 

"Happy birthday!" Kisame handed Itachi a spinach puff.

 

"Thank you."

 

Apparently him speaking was an affront because Konan knocked Kisame aside and clambered onto the table. Itachi wasn't sure when she had removed her pants but she was suddenly moving to sit on his face and he was okay with that.

 

He couldn’t see much but he could hear Kakuzu muttering something and writing something in his dream journal. Hidan was apparently attempting to snap Itachi like a twig, hips moving at a punishing pace and causing Itachi's breath to hitch, gasping against Konan and she moved against his mouth, holding his hair in an iron grip.

 

He heard them speaking above him and before he could do anything, Konan was off him and he was flipped over, his hips hiked up and Tobi was approaching, stretching his arms out and whipping out his penis like a pistol in an old western movie.

 

Kisame was moving behind him, his massive schlong hitting the counter and knocking over the tray of spinach puffs. "My spinach puffs!" Kisame wailed as Pein shooed him back towards Itachi.

 

"Do not let their loss be in vain, Hoshigski." He ordered and Kisame nodded. He had suffered many losses, but they never got easier. Itachi took this moment to eat the one spinach puff that had not been massacred. He missed his brother; he wondered what he was doing today.

 

Zetsu was watching creepily, heavily breathing like he was asthmatic, but that was Itachi's thing so he hoped he died. Tobi was suddenly in front of him, and Itachi sighed in annoyance, opening his mouth. Tobi wasted no time and Itachi quickly began to choke as Kisame politely waited behind him, his penis menacing. 

 

"This isn't my Fair Lady, Kisame," Kakuzu smacked the table with his fist. "Get in there."

 

"Oh, right." Kisame lightly touched Itachi's waist, fingers skimming the dango tramp stamp. The strawberry jelly was smeared against his cheeks, Kisame thought that was rude; they could have used olive oil or butter. But Kisame would simply help clean Itachi out later. That was his ninja way.

 

He pushed in, watching Itachi's hole stretch to accommodate him. Itachi had always been very accommodating, so it wasn't a surprise he was good at taking dick. He had gold star stickers in his pocket so as he rocked into Itachi, he reached for one before proudly placing it against Itachi’s cheek. 

 

Tobi meanwhile was fucking into Itachi’s face with no remorse, Itachi’s head was tilted up, eyes shut as he moaned against the intrusion like some slut. Kakuzu and Pein were going over the schedule on who was next while Hidan and Deidara ate the scattered spinach puffs off the floor like animals. Konan was watching in fascination, slapping away Kakuzu's hand when he absently reached for her crotch. Zetsu stood in the corner like some sort of freak.

 

Kisame rocked his hips against Itachi’s ass like a porn star, spreading his cheeks so he could watch himself move in and out of his partner who attempted to rock back against him, eagerly sucking Tobi's dick. Itachi was the birthday boy, so naturally everyone would get a turn to fuck him, even Deidara if he could find his penis.

 

They all lived happily ever after, except Orochimaru because he suffered lasting injuries from his hit and run with Kisame's gigantic tube of penis meat.