Chapter Text
It starts, as all good things do, with many games of rock, paper, scissors. Of course, both Stede and Edward consider themselves masters of this game, and yet both manage to lose to absolutely everyone, making them the two losers of the game and therefore the two competitors in the insane and frankly idiotic competition the crew has just decided to start.
Or maybe it starts earlier than that: maybe it starts when Jim, with a mischievous smirk plastered onto their face, suggests an idea they have for a competition. Something that'll be really entertaining, for a few weeks at least. A way to finally get back at Izzy Hands for being an irritating bastard all this time.
"The idea is really very simple," Jim starts, "two people compete in order to win Izzy's affections. Whoever seduces Izzy the fastest wins."
The most enthusiastic responses come from those who are most excited about the idea of fucking with Izzy: Lucius, Black Pete, Fang, even Edward (although that may come back to haunt him).
Some are more cautious: "Isn't that a bit mean?" questions Frenchie.
"Yeah, that's kind of the point," says Jim, "he's been a total ass to us all for months. And besides, wouldn't it be funny to see how he'd react to being wooed?"
It would be pretty funny. Jim isn't wrong.
"What's the prize?" asks Wee John.
"Isn't it obvious?" asks Jim, "Izzy's hand in marriage, of course!"
"Izzy Hands in marriage! I mean, really, who wouldn't want to win that?" asks Stede, laughing good naturedly.
"And how will we decide who the competitors are?" asks the Swede.
"Oh, the good old fashioned way," says Jim.
"Fight to the death?" asks Ivan.
"What? No! Rock, paper, scissors. Jesus,"
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Or maybe it starts even earlier than that: maybe it starts when Stede suggests a games night.
"I think we could all benefit from a fun evening together!" he explains.
"Oh, really? And how would that work, then? Is the ship gonna steer itself?" asks Izzy sarcastically.
"Is that you volunteering to steer it?" asks Stede, and when he hears Izzy start to protest, he claps his hands in satisfaction. "Well there we go! A night of games, and Izzy will kindly take over the wheel and make sure we don't crash. Thanks, Izzy! We really owe you one."
He pretends not hear Izzy's murmered "Fuck." Probably for the best, really.
"Right, then!" says Stede, "Who wants to get beaten by me at cards?"
(As it turns out, everyone is beaten by Stede at cards. Stede is excellent at cards. Possibly too good. He must have got lots of practice growing up, the crew decide. Perhaps a difficult childhood includes lots of games of blackjack when you're rich enough.)
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Or maybe it starts even earlier. Maybe it starts when Blackbeard strides onboard a spanish vessel and finds a man who's been almost choked to death. Maybe it starts when a man called Edward Teach finds a man called Israel Hands and decides his name is now Izzy.
Well, it doesn't matter when it might have started. What matters is that it has definitely begun when Stede and Ed have thoroughly lost all of the rock, paper, scissors rounds and are now declared the competitors.
"Edward vs Stede! Winner gets to marry Izzy Hands! Loser gets to not marry Izzy Hands!" says Jim.
"Which of those is meant to be the winner, again?" asks Oluwande.
"Oh, this is great! Battle of the boyfriends!" exclaims Frenchie. Edward and Stede exchange a look. Battle of the boyfriends, indeed.
"I'm not sure who I'm more envious of here, really," says Lucius, "the person who has to live with the fact they've successfully seduced Izzy Hands or the person who has to live with the fact they failed at seducing Izzy Hands,"
"Hold on, hold on, hold on," says Stede, "how are we deciding who wins?"
"If you confess your love to him and he doesn't stab you, you win?" suggests Ed.
"Nah. If he confesses his love to you, you win?" suggests Lucius. Ed shakes his head.
"Iz would never do that. He'd rather die than admit he cares about someone."
"Hm,"
"If he agrees to kiss you, you win?" suggests Frenchie.
"That's the best so far," says Jim.
"Maybe that then," says Ed, feeling thoroughly like he's digging his own grave.
"I guess we stick with that then. Unless we think of anything better. Good luck to you both, I guess,"
"Ha!" says Stede, "You'll never win against the gentleman pirate. He's too charming to fail at garnering someone's affections!"
"I feel like you're forgetting the part where I'm the legendary pirate captain Blackbeard here, mate," says Ed "and I'm very cool and I wear leather. So."
"Yes, yes, well. I guess we don't truly know who's going to win until the competition's really underway, do we?" says Lucius, sounding far too eager for the competition to be underway.
"Well, then," says Jim, "I officially declare the competition underway!"
That's the start of it. And although whether it's a good thing at this point is dubious, it will become clear.
It starts, as all good things do, with two boyfriends and a very angry first mate who swears like an eleven year old who just learned how. It starts as a competition.
(It does not end as one.)