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Fabian was beautiful.
That was common knowledge. Be it in high school or in college, people would look at Fabian and see the chiseled jaw, the black tank top clinging to him like a second skin, the fluidity of his steps, and stop. Ask him out for drinks, or coffee, or prom. It had become sort of an inside joke, with Adaine putting up a sign in the common room of Mordred Manor saying ''X days without Fabian being hit on''. Most of the time, the X didn't make it past ten.
People watched Fabian, was the thing. He was okay with it. He knew he was beautiful. It was something he cultivated, halfway between the effortless grace of his mother and the imposing stance of his father, something he carried with him always, in the lines of his back and the poise of his hand over the hilt of a sword.
But Riz had a way of watching that made him feel... different. Not beautiful in the way other people's gazes did ; not monstrous either. There was something in Riz's eyes that at first Fabian had found unnerving, but now was used to, and seeked almost unconsciously.
It was something he remembered, always, without being really able to trace it back to anything. It was just how things were. Fabian would fight, Fabian would ride on the Hangman, Fabian would dance, and Riz would be here, watching, with his big eyes slitted in the middle and the same kind of attention he put into everything.
In the deserted gymnasium, far from the rest of the campus, with the sun slowly setting and the songs blaring from their crystals, Fabian danced and Riz watched and this was how things were.
It was nearing the end of spring and already the sun was getting lower in the sky. Fabian knew he had one more song, maybe two, before they'd need to pack things and go back to their apartment. With one last flourish, he put his sword back into its sheath and bowed deeply.
From his corner, Riz slow clapped.
''Wanna do one more ?''
''I was thinking I would go mute.''
Riz lifted his eyebrows and turned off the speaker. Fabian held his gaze, willing himself not to blush, and hoping Riz still didn't exactly know what flattened ears meant for an elf. It was a very fleeting hope, given that Riz was living with three elves (or like, two-and-a-half) and had way too good insight when he didn't beef his rolls, but a man could dream.
''Sure,'' Riz said. His shirt, the one with the sprawling spirals of purple, white and black that Kristen had dyed for him, was riding up on his stomach as he leaned against the wall, watching Fabian dance. Those Friday evenings were the only time he wore that shirt instead of his usual uniform. It was a good look on him but then, if you asked Fabian, everything was.
''Amaze me, bro.''
Fabian closed his eyes, and took his battle sheet, letting the fabric slip between his fingers, warm and fresh at the same time.
In a silence only broken by the small, quiet breaths of his best friend, Fabian started dancing.
It was an established routine, by now. They had found this small gymnasium, on the edges of the campus, with windows that covered an entire wall and bathed the room in warm yellows and oranges by the time Fabian was done dancing. People didn't come to it. Fabian didn't know why no one seemed to be aware of its existence, but didn't try to investigate it. Riz was enough of an audience.
As he skirted across the floor, feeling the phantom bend of grass littered with dew under his feet, he was once again sharply reminded of that fact.
Having Riz's complete attention was overwhelming. It had taken maybe three years for Fabian to admit that, but now that he had come to terms with it (and had received a couple talks from Jawbone about how it wasn't a sign of weakness, and that weakness wasn't always a flaw), he couldn't ignore it.
Riz had a way of watching that made Fabian feel like he was stripped down to his bare elements. It made him acutely aware of every twitch in his arms, of every flex of his thighs, as he jumped and twirled and slowed down to pick up quick, quicker, matching the rhythm of Riz's breath, the sharp intake of air that followed a piqué, the slow release that came with Fabian bending down until his fingers, his wrists, brushed the dirty floor of the gymnasium. Most of the time, Fabian danced with music. When he didn't, he was in Kei Lummenura, dancing with the moonlight ; or he was here, with Riz in a corner, attuning himself to his every breath, to the beat of a small heart and the pump of blood, a music he never told Riz he listened to.
It was always ''I'll do it mute''.
It was never ''You are the most beautiful melody I could ever have the privilege to dance to.''
The last one was a bit dramatic. Adaine had told him so, and then Fig had piped up from where she apparently was under the couch (Fabian hadn't even known that was enough space for someone to fit here) and said it was going to be her next single. Now it had become a hit and Fabian could never say it to Riz without looking like he was quoting a cheesy love song that every teenager in their generation had danced to last summer.
It was both a curse and a blessing, because, to be entirely honest, Fabian had no idea how Riz would react to this sort of big declaration.
So Riz watched and Fabian listened. It had been this way since Fabian had first picked that sheet and kissed that elemental, since he had danced an entire night away on elven grounds and Riz and Gorgug had watched from their tree, joining him in the morning.
Riz had never joined him since.
Fabian stopped. The melody of Riz's breaths hitched, backed up, stopped. He was still watching, Fabian could feel the yellow eyes track how his back had tensed up, his fists tight around the sheet.
Riz probably failed an insight check, because when he spoke up it was inquisitive, wondering, a bit worried.
''Everything okay ?''
Fabian turned to him.
''No, the Ball. Everything isn't okay.''
Inhale, sharp, eyes dilated, heart faster. ''What's wrong ? Did you notice something ? Remember something ? It's the Bastion Sharks isn't it, they've found us, they know I'm on their tracks, I knew I should have been more vigilant-''
''No, no, the Ball, calm down,'' Fabian said, cutting Riz's litany short, even as the detective had already put his hand on his gun and was scanning the place, eyes lightning fast as they tracked every bits and pieces, looking for clues and escapes alike. ''The Bastion Sharks haven't found us, how could they even ? You told me yourself they had no idea you followed them last night, didn't you roll a 33 or something crazy like that on your stealth check ?''
''31,'' Riz mumbled absently, the grip on his gun slightly relaxing.
''That's way too high, no one should be able to roll this high, that's crazy the Ball, I hope you know that.''
Riz smirked, already more at ease. ''Wait until I'm a level 13 rogue and have a plus fifteen proficiency. I'll roll forties all day long, you won't even know I exist.''
''That's a nightmare. That's the darkest timeline. Don't you ever say shit like that The Ball, I won't be able to sleep tonight knowing that you could be right above me breathing in my face and I'd be unable to tell.''
''Alright, I won't say it,'' Riz said, with a shit-eating grin. ''You're cute when you drool in your sleep, though.''
Fabian gasped.
''The BALL !''
''Kidding, just kidding,'' Riz exploded in laughter. ''Don't worry, I'll always let you know if I'm in your bedroom in the middle of the night.''
''Amazing, I feel so safe now,'' Fabian grumbled, and absolutely didn't think about why Riz would be in his room in the middle of the night. ''Anyway, you're fine, we're fine, there isn't anyone coming to kill us for once, so why don't you let go of that gun and come here with me ?''
Riz frowned.
''With you ?''
''With me, The Ball,'' Fabian said, and extended a hand out to him. ''Come on. We don't have all night.''
''Wh- what ? You want me to- what ?''
''Kass, you can be so slow sometimes the Ball. I want you to dance. With me.''
Riz's eyes widened almost comically.
''It's not fair that I'm always the one to dance,'' Fabian said, whining only slightly. ''You spend your evenings not doing anything while I'm here sweating and suffering. You know you need to exercise your body too, not just your brain ? Too much thinking never did anyone good.''
''I'm an investigator, it does me a lot of good,'' Riz replied automatically. ''But you- what- no, no, what ? That's not how it works !''
''Well I'm changing how it works right now.''
''It's been three years ! You can't just change things after three years !''
''I can and I'm doing it. Come on, you're gonna dance with me, it's your time to sweat for once. And if you're not here in ten seconds I'll have to make you.''
Riz pointed a defensive finger at Fabian. ''That's a threat. You're not allowed to threaten me. That's in the bro code.''
''You broke the bro code when you refused to dance with me. I'm allowed to threaten you all I want now.''
''There's no mention of dancing in the bro code !''
''The Ball,'' Fabian said impatiently. ''We can call Ragh to check later if you want. But right now, we need to leave in ten minutes or we will miss dinner and Gorgug will do those sad eyes at us-''
Riz shivered.
''- and I want you to dance with me before that. I won't leave until you do, and I won't let you leave either. It's your choice.''
Riz stared at him. A long time. Fabian let his hand out, palm up, and wiggled his fingers. His other hand was on his sheet in case the Ball tried to make it to the door and he had to catch him and bring him back.
Eventually, Riz released a very, very long breath, that suspiciously sounded like a sigh.
''I hate you.''
''No you don't,'' Fabian replied, with the most shit-eating grin in his repertoire. It widened even more when Riz reluctantly shuffled across the room and placed a clawed hand in Fabian's open one.
''So what now ?'' Riz asked, eyes fixed on the floor. Fabian lightly tugged on his arm and sent Riz tumbling against him, earning him a glare and a hiss, to which he replied with a grin.
''Now we dance, the Ball. Surely you've watched me enough that you should know how this works.''
''You move your feet and your arms and it makes something beautiful. When I do it I look like a featherless wet owl. Not everyone is able to do what you do, Fabian.''
Fabian shook his head and took a step backwards, pulling Riz with him. ''Tss tss. No self-deprecating talk here. Remember what Jawbone said about self-confidence and how self-deprecating humor can really affect us ?''
''Don't bring up Jawbone when you're forcing me to dance,'' Riz grumbled, and followed Fabian into some more steps, backwards, backwards, then on the left, then forwards. He was fumbling a little, trying to match Fabian's steps, left hand hovering over Fabian's chest and side, like he wasn't sure where he should put it.
''I'll bring up Jawbone whenever I feel like there's a need for it,'' Fabian replied and grabbed Riz's hand. He rolled an insight check on how Riz's pupils dilated at the gesture, failed, decided to ignore it, and led Riz's hand to his hip, where he placed it firmly, bringing his own hand to Riz's shoulder.
''Keep holding onto me like that, and stop looking at your feet. You're doing great, no need to stress out so much.''
''If I stop looking at my feet I'll step on yours. I don't think that's correct dancing etiquette.''
''Oh The Ball, you can step on me all you want,'' Fabian said, grinning, and it earned him a smack on the arm. ''No but really, it's fine, I did it all the time when Aelwyn was teaching me, and you're way lighter than I was. You won't hurt me.''
''I'm not worried about hurting you,'' Riz grumbled. He was still looking away, ears twitching, tail tightly wrapped around his own leg. That was a shame. He would probably gain more movement if he let his leg out.
Riz was too focused on carefully stepping around Fabian's feet to notice Fabian's smirk. But he did notice the hand leaving his shoulder, and lifted his eyes to meet Fabian's.
The insight check he rolled didn't prevent him being swooped off his feet by a hand gripping him under the knees. He let out a small yelp, and sharp claws dug into Fabian's shoulders in retaliation. Fabian laughed, spinning them around, Riz's tail tightly wrapped around his forearm.
The music in Fabian's head changed, from a slow waltz to a frantic song and Fabian released Riz, spinning him on the ground and ducking from an unarmed attack, laughter rocking his entire body.
''You've gotta enjoy it, The Ball ! Let it loose ! Remember Fallinel, that's how you dance !''
''I hated Fallinel,'' Riz shot back, still attacking. They were running around the room, Fabian ducking and stepping around Riz in graceful twirls, his battle sheet wrapping them in a flowing river of silk. ''Your grandfather sucks.''
''He was right though, you're a little dick.''
Fabian escaped his next attack with another peal of laughter. Riz wasn't rolling with advantage, attacking to deal the least amount of damage possible, but he was giving it his best, scraping against the fighter's armor class by a point or two. His claws brushed against the fabric of Fabian's shirt, against his sweatpants and his tail was lashing out to grapple a leg, an arm, and avoid the lazy waves of Fabian's sheet as he followed him around the gymnasium, shoes sliding on the linoleum floor.
His next attack hit. Riz dipped under Fabian's arms and lashed across his stomach, playful, going for a ticklish spot. But he didn't have the time to retreat ; Fabian's hand closed around his forearm and Riz failed the opposed athletics.
An arm circled his waist, bringing his heels off the floor, and Fabian brought his head down to meet him halfway.
''See,'' he said, low and deep. ''You can dance just fine, The Ball.''
Riz gulped. He was out of breath and flushed from their playful tussle, hair tousled, eyes wide and shining. His hand was scrambling for purchase on Fabian's shoulder, and his legs were hooked behind Fabian's knees, holding tight – as if Fabian could ever let him fall.
''Okay, you got me,'' Riz said, voice tight. ''But that was cheating.''
''There's no cheating in the fair art of dance,'' Fabian sing-songed. He should put Riz down, he knew that ; knew that the longer he spent relishing in how the lines of Riz's back fit in the hollow of his arm, how their hands had slit together perfectly when Fabian had moved his own from where he was holding Riz's arm captive, were moments the detective could file away and investigate, pin on his board like dead butterflies. But Riz had relaxed, and his head was thrown back, looking at Fabian with an eyebrow raised and a smirk that screamed of challenge.
''Right,'' Riz drawled. ''So, what's next ?''
Loving Riz was like skating on ice. Fabian remembered, all at once, the pond near Mordred Manor, and how, when the winter had hit in junior year, the first waves had coalesced into a sheet of frail, almost translucent ice. Fig had brought all of them with her to skate on it, insisting that it was fine, that most of them had spells, and they had fought a dragon and a god, they couldn't possibly be afraid of some ice, could they ?
It had been a disaster. The ice was of course way closer to water than to actual ice and they had all come back to the manor, metaphorical or actual tail between their legs, where the adults had prepared them burning mugs of hot chocolate. But Fabian remembered the few seconds he had actually been standing on the pond, the thin web of cracks speeding from under his skates faster than he could track it, and the feeling that if he was agile enough, went fast enough, he could stay on it a little bit longer, be a little bit steadier, than the others.
And it had been exhilarating to nail dex check after dex check, skirting on the edge between ice and water, running ahead of the collapsing ground.
The fall in cold water had been considerably less fun.
And now Riz was looking up at Fabian, all mischievous smirks and glinting eyes, freckles running over the bridge of his nose and covering the last remnants of acne. His shirt was ruffled from all the dancing and shoving around, and Fabian could see the metal chain of his friendship necklace poking from underneath it, his own suddenly heavy where it was lying above his heart.
''Are you like, going to dip me and stuff ?'' Riz asked, when Fabian didn't answer. ''Because if you do, I may have to rethink your best friend status. Consider that a warning.''
Fabian's hand tightened around Riz's waist. '''And stuff' ? What sort of stuff, the Ball ?''
Riz's cheeks took on an interesting color. ''I don't know, you're the dancer, not me.''
''But you're the one suggesting I ''dip you and stuff.'' You clearly know things about dance that I don't.''
''I didn't suggest anything. I actually did the exact opposite. You're not allowed to dip me or do any stuff.''
''Sounds like a suggestion to me,'' Fabian grinned. ''Are you rolling a persuasion check right now ? Because I'm quite persuaded.''
''I'm not ! I'd probably roll like shit anyway !''
''So what sort of stuff do you want me to do, The Ball ?''
- Skating felt like flying, with the ground crumbling under his feet and the roar of the wind filling his ears –
It wasn't like Fabian had never thought about this before. About Riz in his arms, watching him all flush and smiles, so easy to dip and kiss passionately and confess to a love burning hotter than the suns and softer than the moons, right here in his sweatpants and sweat covered tank top, with the sun setting behind the hills and the sour smell of perspiration filling the gymnasium.
It was the cool thing to do. It was smooth and romantic and everything Fabian should be.
Under his hands, Riz started wriggling.
''Wait- The Ball- what-''
The wriggling intensified and Fabian reflexively rolled a strength check.
''Are you trying to escape ? The Ball ?''
''Shut up,'' Riz grumbled. ''Not my fault I rolled a fucking seven.''
''Do you really not want to be dipped that much ?''
''So you admit you were going to do it ?''
''I won't speak without my lawyer.''
Riz shoved at his chest, a grin threatening to break his accusatory face. ''If you dip me, I dip you.''
Fabian's throat went dry. He smiled. ''Deal.''
And just like that, Riz was out of his arms and pushing at his hips with all of his minus two strength. Fabian could have easily pushed back – it really wasn't that hard, the Ball was the best in many fields but not in this particular one – and dip him for real.
He smiled, daring and dashing and maybe a little bit too fond, and let go.
There are moments that are like photographs, frozen in time until the edges start to fade and disappear. This one, Fabian knew – it would forever remain, burnt into his memory.
The dying sunlight illuminated Riz from behind, grandiose and splendid, his hair a burning halo. His eyes had the colors of all the fires in the world as he watched Fabian fall – and Fabian did fall, to the floor, the linoleum cold and harsh on his butt, but right before, in this split second where Riz's hands around his waist were enough to counter the force of gravity and Fabian's dead weight, there was nothing in the world but Riz and Riz’s eyes.
Fabian landed harshly on his behind, and this should have been it – Riz laughing and apologizing at the same time, Fabian getting up and grumbling about his disfigured bottom, them cleaning up the gymnasium and coming back home through the campus' hills, as the moon rose up in the sky, to Gorgug's pasta. It was how it had always been, easy as breathing and comfortable like the couch in Riz's office on which Fabian used to crash every now and then.
But Riz didn't laugh and Fabian didn't get up, and instead they stayed here, locked into each other's eyes, breath coming out of their chests in hard, rapid exhales, not daring to speak a word or move a finger.
''So,'' Fabian said eventually, at the same time as Riz opened his mouth on a still-unknown sound, and closed it immediately. ''Wait, no, you can go first, what were you-''
''Don't, no, you go first, I didn't-''
''No, no, what did you want to say ?''
''Nothing important, just tell me-''
Loving Riz was an everyday gamble. Sometimes, Fabian thought there was no way, with Riz's investigation skills, that he wasn't aware of how Fabian looked at him and touched him and took comfort in him. Maybe he was being nice, not wanting to break their friendship.
(Because it would be a dealbreaker, that was what Fabian knew, what was going on in his mind in the middle of the night when the memory of Riz kept him awake. There was no way they could keep being friends if the truth got out. And Fabian couldn't accept that. Couldn't accept losing something, someone, else.)
But there were others days – days like this one, where Riz looked at Fabian with a smile that lit his entire face up like the goddamn angel that he was, and he would laugh at his dumb jokes and claim to be his best friend and stay up entire nights to solve the case of the flowers Fabian's mother would like for her birthday, just because Fabian needed help. Days where Riz stood above Fabian with a world of tenderness in his eyes and Fabian thought that, maybe, that was what it felt like, to be loved unconditionally, arse on the cold floor and no expectations other than being who he wanted to be.
Loving Riz was a gamble. It was everything or nothing. It was skating on ice, knowing that cold waters waited below ; it was flying, with the knowledge of the fall.
And Fabian was a coward.
Fabian was a coward ; that was common knowledge. Be it in high school or in college, Fabian would look at people and know that he feared their inevitable judgment. He would see how they looked at him, at his black tank top that never showed the muscles his father had, at his steps that were never as gracious as his mother's, at the desperate, bumbling love he never managed to express properly, something Cathilda seemed to do without effort. So Fabian ran ; Fabian had the sneakers, and he fled, quickly, from the battlefield, from the corpses of pirates, from the Forest.
It had become sort of an inside joke, between him and himself, where he counted the days since he had last run away from something. He had only spoken about this once, after the disaster than had been the Boy's Night, sitting cross-legged with Gorgug and Riz and the first rays of grey light creeping up above the pond. I can only run away, he had said, I'm never brave enough to stay. And Gorgug had sighed, with his kind voice and his even kinder eyes, and said, What is the problem with running if it means you can reach a place where you want to stay ?
Fabian had found a family with the Bad Kids, somewhere he felt like it was okay to stop and be himself. But in Riz he had found a home – it was in Riz's arms around him, in Riz's eyes and Riz's smile, and in exchange he had carved out a little piece of his heart for Riz to make his own home here. It was good, and comfortable, a routine in which Fabian finally felt free – a routine in which, sometimes, it felt like they got lost. Stopped moving. Stopped running, because it felt safe to stay here, in the same way that it felt safe to stay in a dark cave in the Nightmare Forest, unmoving and holding his breath for fear of being found.
And yet here he was, daring to long for more.
(And yet, here Riz was, right above him, always at his side, despite everything.)
''Everything okay ?'' Riz asked, and his voice was soft and careful, and so were his hands, wrapped around Fabian's back – like he had seen Fabian, like he knew Fabian wasn't this invincible warrior everyone thought he should be, but decided to love him anyway.
And Fabian thought that, maybe, he could stop running in the same direction, and see what was under the ice.
And Riz kissed back.