I Was Here.

by DylanGArgent

Summary:

He knew that after the lawsuit he was not going to be easy, but he was drowning more and more. Only a small drop spilled the glass he was trying to hold, drowning him.
Maybe it's time to stop fighting the water.

Buck hears about Daniel, the team ignores him, everything falls apart but one night it breaks; without having anyone disappears to look for himself.

Notes:

*English is not my first language, sorry if it is not spelled correctly.
*Medical inability, I don't know anything about hospitalization, or psychiatrists in the United States, this is more than anything an invention of my mind.
*Dark themes.
Name of the chapter taken from: Mum-Luke Hemmings

Chapter 1: Mum, I´m sorry, I´m Still Falling

 

He had nowhere to go, he was alone.  Eddie doesn't talk to me anymore, nor would he let me talk to Chris, the only ray of sunshine I had left.  Bobby treats me like a rookie, I only do cleaning and although I understand that he is angry about the lawsuit I don't know what to do anymore, Hen and Chim are not so bad but they took Bobby's example and nobody talks to me, the rest of the team They have made jokes, although it is not just about hiding my things or stealing them, if they do not push me or suddenly hit me without caring that I am taking anticoagulants and I know that if I say something I will be ignored and I will have more reprimands.  But I don't know how to do anymore;  I haven't slept, my dreams are full of nightmares, I haven't eaten because they don't invite me to meals, and when I'm in my apartment all I want to do is sleep.

Maybe I should have taken the damn money, disappeared but I love them so much I don't know what else to do.

 I finished my shift, I just want to go home;  but i'm so tired i just want to sleep and not wake up again.

I stop at the beach, usually I haven't come after the tsunami, but right now I feel like I can breathe even as memories of the tsunami wash over me, reminding me of how I was aimless where I couldn't breathe.  I can hear Christopher screaming.

He closed his eyes trying to silence the voices.

 You are exhausted.

 

 childish

 

 You don't do anything right.

 

 You shouldn't have come back.

 

 They all leave you.

 

 You are alone.

 

 Why can't you hold on?

 

 I would have preferred her to die and Daniel to stay alive.

 

 A savior baby and you couldn't save anyone.

 

 -Look, a bitch at our mercy.- The voice made me jump and I see 5 guys around me.

 - Come on friend, I don't want problems. - I try to escape but one of them who has a tattoo on his forehead stops me.

 -Because you are leaving?  the fun is just beginning.- He smiles and pushes me making me fall on top of another, who had no hair.

 -Please.- I whisper scared.

 -Just be a pretty whore and we'll let you live.- He grabs me by the neck, I feel the sand and I can't breathe, I couldn't give up like this.

 

 she pushes him away and I hit him hard in the face, 3 of them grab me and throw me back to the sand, I feel the pain and the taste of metal in my mouth.  I don't know how much time passes as they break me and beat me.

 

 - Just relax, and it won't hurt too much.  - The one with the tattoo whispers in my ear.

 

 Pain invades me and I let the darkness call me.

 

 I just want to die.

 

Chapter 2

Notes:

5 years have passed since the last chapter, throughout the story it will be discussed what happened in all that time.
Otis didn't die, Gaby didn't leave and for the story to be right, Herrmann stopped being a lieutenant. Matt is not leaving and Kelly is not with Stella but they are great friends.

-Where is your lieutenant?- Matt asked to the group that was spread out.

 -I don't know.- Herrmann answered looking around, Herrmann stopped being a lieutenant due to personal problems but he knew that now his position and the person he was following was the right one to take his place

-He was supposed to come with Blake.- They all knew that this was very difficult and more so for him, but they couldn't say anything.

 -Severide?-Boden addressed him.  

-He was fine when I left, he said he's perfectly ready for whatever.- Kelly knew that her boyfriend had a lot of difficulties meeting people from her past and even more so if it was possible for them to be together.

 The commissioners decided that one station represented their state, so that three stations would be together to learn from them and see the different problems in each state and they had seen the lists.

 -Look- Otis points with his eyes to the fire truck arriving, everyone knew who they were;  you can tell they hate them for what they did to him.  

-I don't want any trouble.- Boden looked at each of his firefighters carefully and they all knew it was better to obey, even though Kelly, Matt, Stella and Gabby were willing to not follow the order to protect him.

 -We arrived.- Blake appeared next to them as well as his lieutenant who was wearing a cap that he was trying to hide in it, he looked directly at the fire truck parked in the distance and how they came down.  

-Are you okay, Evan?- Kelly looked at her boyfriend who was too tense.

 -Yeah, I'm fine.- Boden watched Captain Nash get out of the truck and knew this was going to be chaos.

Notes:

I hope you like it. It takes me a bit of time as the university keeps me very busy.

Chapter 3: Did you find it hard to breathe?

I looked at the papers in his hand, after two days in the hospital i knew that this was the right decision.

I doesn't know how he got to the hospital, the police said that someone called 911 saying that there was a person lying in the sand, but they never found out who he called, I can call him my savior and my damned; He saved me but at what cost, one day unconscious from multiple blows and... he didn't want to think about it, maybe he should have left me lying there to die: the good thing is that I took Bobby and Eddie off my emergency contact list, so there was no one to call... Did you notice that I didn't get home? I don't think so, my phone is still intact I'm surprised they didn't take it, no calls, not even from maddie.

I walk towards the office and boss Alonso looks at me surprised.

-What can I do for you Buckley?- Maybe he hates me for the lawsuit but I had to do something, I couldn't stay here. Not after what happened on that beach.

-I want to make a transfer- he looks at me surprised and gets up from his seat.

-Where?-

-Wherever, except here in Los Angeles.-

-May I know why?- Should I tell him? I should tell him that this place I once called home is no longer my home. That station 118 is hell for me, that Bobby no longer lets me make calls, that last night...

-I'm really not ready to talk.- He nods and I see concern in his eyes.

-You are a great firefighter Buckley and in the lawsuit you had every right.- I felt that they took the air out of me, they had never told me that I was right, all 118 always said that it was a mistake, that what I did was wrong... -Give me a minute, I need to talk to someone.-

-Of course, Chief.- He walks out the door, my hands did not stop shaking; he pulled out my phone and looked at it for a while.

No notification, no call. Yesterday I had a turn and apparently still no one looked for me.

Chief Alonso enters through the door.

-I have found you a position in Texas, Austin. 126.-

 

 

-You know we're with you.- Herrmann whispers next to me, I nod, still with the cap covering me and looking down, I really didn't want to be here but this is my team, it's my family.

-Of course, we just have to hope that they don't touch us.- Whoever thinks of doing this, the commission decided that the best stations will be the ones that are here and form teams of three stations, but I hope they don't touch us, I haven't heard from them since I left and I really didn't want them to see me, but as a lieutenant I had to be here, and even though I know the boss let me not come, I have to get over that fear.
Kelly took my hand, and smiled at him, he has been my lifeline, after leaving 126 and arriving in Chicago as a float where everyone knew about the lawsuit and hated me, until station 51 hated me, and everything changed.

-You know that if you need to get out of here, it's fine.- Kel looks at me, it took some time for the two of us to get together.

-I'm fine.- He smiled at the team sitting around me.

The ceremony begins, they start talking about the history of firefighters, he glanced at 118, they look the same: Bobby, Eddie, Hen, Chim and three people I don't know.

-Well the following stations will be together, Los Angeles Station, California; 118, Capt. Robert Nash and chief paramedic, Henrietta Wilson.- And here we go, Casey squeezes my shoulder hard. - The station in Austin, Texas; 126. Captain Owen Strand, the chief of paramedics Tommy Vega.- One is missing, my hands won't stop sweating.- And station 51.- He heard Blake say shit.- Captain Wallace Boden, Chief of paramedics, Gabriela Dawson, the Lt. Kelly Severide, Lt. Matthew Casey and Lt. Evan Buckley. - I take off my cap and he raised his face, I can't let them make me feel like a child again, I fought a lot to be a lieutenant and be at this station and now I won't let them turn me off. - Room 7 is available so they can agree.-

-Okay fifty one, let's go.- We got up, I knew this would turn into chaos, we all walked towards the living room. We enter and everyone else is there, Boden stops before joining the others.- I don't want any problem, none.-
A circle of - Yes sir.- It is heard.

-If they start.- Kelly whispers.

-Severide.- Boden scolds him, I know for sure that now there are many people who will defend me.

-And what will happen to Voight?- Otis asks, damn it; that will be a bigger problem, Voight adopted me as his son, the police station has adopted me the same, and the intelligence unit has also become my home, Voight is going to cause chaos over this.

-Nothing will be said.- Clear as if it were possible.

-Well, I think we'll have a problem, Jay says that Voight already knows.- I laugh slightly.

Boden says nothing and we walk over to the others, 118 looking at me in complete surprise.
Nobody says anything for a while.

-We can start in Chicago, it's almost 8 hours away.- I didn't want us to start there but he's the closest

-It's fine with us.- Owen whispers.

-Okay.- Bobby nods.

-Good.- He whispered looking at everyone, I couldn't stand their gaze on me.- I see them in the truck.- I turn around, I can't be here, I feel like I'm drowning.

-Buck.- I hear Eddie's voice behind me.

-Get away.- I hear Kelly yell, but I'm out the door.

No, I'm really not ready to face my past.

Chapter 4: hold on, Just one more day

-Welcome to 126.- Owen Strand welcomes me with a smile.

-Thank you sir.- I had left everything in my apartment, I knew that Maddie would look for me at some point, I left everything to her, I really only took what was important in the Jeep and I left, I feel that it is something selfish to do it, to leave without saying more , but I can't go on there, I can't; I will do everything possible so that this station does not fire me, although I suppose that the entire station knows about the demand, among firefighters they know.

-Not sir, Owen; And don't worry, here we all support you with the lawsuit.- My heart stopped, he was supporting me.- If a classmate bothers you, tell me and I'll fix things.- Maybe I can stay here.

Everyone received me very well, Judd and TK welcomed me like a brother, Marja and Mateo were almost always together, Paul and I exercised very often, Tommy and Nancy taught me everything about paramedics, soon I will take the exam so I can have title.

We take amazing, crazy calls, and I was able to learn from them. I haven't heard from station 118 but it doesn't matter, I feel amazing here.

I never want to leave.

-It is better that you stay away from him.- Kelly Seberide was very serious. Station 118 looked at them.

-Look, I just want to talk to him.- Eddie tried to pass but Kelly and Herrmann got in his way, Eddie was really getting angry, he knew that Eddie still had anger issues; although after Buck left he went to therapy he still had problems.

-I don't care.- Kelly looked at him defiantly, station 51 knew that Kelly was like a bomb protecting her family if they kept pushing; she would explode.

-Casey.- Boden spoke up and Casey knew he had to take Kelly away.

-Come on, Kel.- Casey tugged on Kelly's shoulder and though she resisted she spun around.

-I want to see what Voight does with you guys.- he whispered, walking to the exit with Casey.

-Severide.- Boden scolded, 118 wondering who Voight was and 126 knowing that this was chaos and they had to keep calm between the two stations.

Kelly turned around. -he can't wait for them to arrive and ask to speak with Evan and ruin everything we've advanced.-

-It's not my fault he left.- Eddie looked at Kelly and they were both about to attack each other.

-Enough.- Evan Buckley entered through the doors, he had heard everything and he didn't want them to fight anymore but he wasn't going to let himself be trampled either, maybe he wasn't ready to face his past but he was ready to defend the present from he. - I left because I had to leave, I left 126 because I don't want to talk to you, to anyone, so leave me and my team alone.- During everything he said, he got closer and closer to Eddie until he was faceless to face.- Leave my family alone, because not only the Chicago firefighters, but the Chicago police, the Austin firefighters and the Austin police defend me.- Buck was looking into Eddie's eyes; Eddie was surprised by the fire in Buck's eyes, it was very different from what he remembered, Buck took a step back and looked at Captain Nash. -You better control your firefighters, Captain Nash.- And with that he gave the turned and walked out the door.

-Well, you already listened to my lieutenant, it's better that they leave him alone and let's do what we came to do- Boden would defend Buck above all.- Tomorrow we leave at 7 to arrive in time for Chicago.- and with that he turned around and his station followed him.

Only the other two teams remained in the room.

-Was he at your station?- Bobby asked Owen, the two of them had met when the forest fire happened.

-Yes, he was, but when he found out that you were going to arrive for the fire, he decided to leave.- Owen did not want problems but he would also defend Buck with all his heart.- It is better that you give him his space.- The team behind Owen He also wanted to defend Buck but they knew they had to stay calm.- See you tomorrow.- Owen walked to the exit with his team behind.

Leaving 118 alone in the room wondering what had happened, Evan Buckley was different.

-So they're coming?- I asked looking at Owen, we were both sitting in his office.

-Yes.- I couldn't do this, I couldn't be there in front of them, because it happens to me.- I'm sorry kid.- He had found his place and now they will take it away.- If you stay we will protect you.- I knew that Owen I didn't want to lose myself but I'm not ready to face them yet.

-No, I can't be here.-He looks at me and I know he un derstands.

-I can get you to be in a good station, I'll talk to my friends.-

-No, I think I'll take some time to travel on the road.- I had to have a moment for myself, maybe I would find my place elsewhere, maybe not being a firefighter.

-Are you sure? -I know he is insecure, he became like a father to me.

-Yes, it's the best.- I get up from my seat.- Thanks for everything.- He smiles, I turn around leaving his office and see the team.

TK hugs me tight and everyone else joins in.

I found a good family that I don't want to leave but I'm not ready to face 118 yet.

Chapter 5: Don´t you lose hope, the sky´s not falling

Chicago was different, being a floater was different; I didn't want Owen to find out how they treat me here, I lied to the whole team; I told him that he had a house and that i was welcome, not that i was treated as a traitor.

All the firefighters here tell me that I am brought by the lawsuit, sometimes I would just like to disappear but how can I support myself without something economical.

One month here and I hardly go out on calls, all the lieutenants or captains say that I'm not trustworthy, maybe it's true; I ruin everything I touch.

Today they need a float at station 51, I've already been here a few times and they treat me like I'm invisible or stupid, I try to stay out of their sight and more from Lieutenant Severide, he's always mad at me, Stella is the only one who almost me she talks and treats me well but sometimes she say get away and i get it, they are family and i don't belong here.

Panic and anxiety attacks are back, I can't let anyone touch me; I feel like throwing up.

The nightmares haunt me to the point where I can't sleep, the truck falling on my foot, the tsunami, the look of everything and what happened that night.

He walked through the station gate ignoring everyone and keeping my head down, I headed over to Captain Boden.

-Buckley.- He greets me, there is Lieutenant Severide and Lieutenant Casey in the small office.

-Good morning, Captain Boden.- I whisper hoping almost not to be noticed but the three men in front of me don't stop looking at me, I feel strange as if they were seeing all the flaws in me.

-Today you will be with Lieutenant Severide.- I nod looking at him, he seems annoyed. I look down quickly, I don't know what I'm doing here. -Okay, you can go.- We walk out the door, Lieutenant Casey heads to the kitchen. Kelly stops and stands in front of me pointing her finger at me.

-You better not make any mistakes, Buckley.- He growls, I don't want to make any mistakes.

-Yes, sir.- I whisper, looking down.

Maybe it's time to stop being a firefighter.

The alarms go off, they call everyone. For a moment I feel like this is my last day.

 

-Sure you're okay.- Hermann asks for the tenth time, I know he cares about me but I have enough with Kelly, Matt, Gaby, Adam, Kim, Hank, Jay, Antonio, Stella, Owen, TK and the entire station 51 and 126.

-I'm fine.- I smiled at him, Hermann has been driving all the time, behind him came the truck with Matt and Kelly's team, also Boden's truck, behind him came the truck with everyone from station 126 and for last station truck 118, this was going to be difficult.

It didn't take long to get there.

-Then who's going to be with us?- Blake asked, I knew that the other two stations were going to be divided between us but I still had the doubt of who would be right here with my firefighters.

-We'll have to wait, Matt and Kel also have to choose.-

-You know that he is going to let you choose first, and taking into account that there are 7 of 118 and 7 of 126, removing 1 paramedic from 118 and two 126, there are 11 firefighters but Dawson will join us to leave Violet with Brett and with us there are 21 firefighters without counting the lieutenants.- Blake surprises me many times.

-We'll talk about it later.- I knew there was a meeting with the captains and us to be able to decide who was with whom, I really didn't want Eddie or Chim to be with me but I didn't want to choose Bosko either, and the 3 firefighters I didn't know, I can't leave the lives of my firefighters in them.

-We arrived.- Our trucks entered their respective place while the other two stood in front of the station but without hindering the exit.

We went down, my back hurt from sitting so much.

-Buckley, conference room.- I knew I would give a little notice and we will rest for tonight and tomorrow our first shift together.

We all got in, I don't even know how but we got in, Kelly and Matt got next to me we were glued to the wall facing Boden.

-Well, just a quick warning and to rest, I know you are tired but this will be very fast, station 51 will share a bed with someone else to leave a rest space for the others, 128 and 118 also please share a bed since we are a lot and We won't fit, Severide and Casey curtains up.- Gaby covers her mouth trying to contain her laughter, I understand why he said that but I quickly tried to hide my face.

-Like it's the only place,- Kelly whispers but it's clear everyone's listening.

-Kelly.- I try to scold him but the embarrassment and laughter won't let me.

-Severide, please.- He raises his hands innocently, of course it's not like that.- Tomorrow we'll talk to the lieutenants and captains so that each person has their place, we'll post it on a list in front of the front door so they know With whom to address, lieutenants I ask you to arrive earlier tomorrow and Brett and Mikali too.- A chorus of voices agrees. - Any questions and doubts.-

-Evan and I are going to help intelligence with the factory fire.- True, that's a problem, a factory fire where 4 firefighters from another station died, Voight believes that someone is causing fires since it was not only here it was in other places and it is always the same pattern.

-Of course, we'll meet tomorrow and then you can leave, I'll take care of your positions.- We agreed, I feel that whoever is making the fires is something bigger. -Okay, everyone can go rest.- I go out ignoring everyone, I'm really too tired to stay to see if there's another problem, Kelly catches up with me and we get into car that was still parked outside the station, I can see 118 looking at me .

This will be complete chaos.

 

-Buckley!- I know Severide calls me but all my strength is to contain this, I know that at some point it will explode but the more I contain it, they will all be able to get out; Severide appears next to me. -What the hell?- he looks at me.

-Make everyone get out, this thing will explode if i leaves it.- I know he quickly understands, he grabs his radio and gives the announcement, I know everyone is leaving but he stays.

-You have to leave.- He looks at me, tries to take me away; I know he will take my position but I can't allow it, he has family and friends, I am alone.

-No, go away.- I shout and his blue eyes look at me worriedly.- Everything will be fine.- and I don't feel afraid, I feel calm running through my body, I should be terrified but no, not for some reason.

-There has to be another way.- He looks everywhere looking, I know he won't give up and I think, if I make a tourniquet with my jacket I might resist a few more seconds.

-Go away, I'll make a tourniquet with my jacket that will give me a few seconds to run but if it's not like that, it's better that you stay away.- I quickly take off the camera while continuing to put force in the other hand so that the tube does not loosen.

-I'm not going to leave.- He tries to help me.

-Kelly, please.- I beg and his blue eyes look at me determinedly. -Please.- He nods running out, I can do it.

I tied him tight and I let go, I run with all my might.

I hear the explosion.

pain.

Screams.

It's really hot.

let the darkness consume me, maybe I'll finally stop suffering.

Notes:

I started a quarter at the university, I'm in ninth grade and the truth is, it's consuming me. I study psychology and I try to take everything, since I love to write but the teachers leave me a lot of reading. I'll try to publish even once a week but I don't promise much, and I'm sorry if it's not well written, English is not my first language and sometimes it's difficult for me but I hope you like it.

Chapter 6

Notes:

Hello, remember that my first language is not English, sorry if it is not well written, if you want to know more about me, follow me on instagram as: iamcl.04 or on tik tok as DylanGArgent04
I hope you like it.

Past.
3 years before

-There is no emergency contact.- I had told everyone, we couldn't do anything and it was killing me, I shouldn't have left him, he has multiple burns on his back and I breathe a lot of smoke but they don't give us more information since we are not their contact emergency, but there is no one. 

We all knew there was something more and I hate myself for it, because I didn't ask him, I didn't seek his point of view; I only knew about the others, and I believed them when Buckley gave me no reason to hate him.

All the firefighters knew about the lawsuit that Buckley filed but we never thought about why? and the way he acted told me that no one treated him right again, and god, he's a great firefighter, the times he was at the station he didn't make any mistakes, he did his best to help.

Buckley's backpack is still there, in the corner.

Casey sat down next to me.

-Should we call his old house?-He looks down.

-He didn't want that, he left for a reason.- Something broke him that he had to leave, if we call someone from there we can cause something else.

-I know, but there must be someone who is worried about him.-

A phone rang, and Casey and I looked at each other. It was from Buckley's backpack.
I grab the backpack looking for the phone, when I have it the name appears.

TK Strand.

-Hello.- I answered hoping that someone could come to see him.

-Who is speaking? -It is not the voice of an old man, he is young .

-I'm Kelly Severide, Chicago Firefighter.-

-Where is Evan?- The boy's voice is angry but also worried.

-He had an accident in a fire.- Before i can continue he responds

-Where is the?-

-He is admitted to Chicago Med.-

-I'll be there as soon as possible.- And he hung up, looked at Casey that he still hadn't left, this was weird.

-You have to tell Boden.- I hope it's someone who takes care of Buckley.

Evan.

Nice name.

Present.

-You know I don't want problems, Kel.- I tried to reason with him but he just squeezed the steering wheel hard, we headed to the station.

-Me neither but I'm not going to let them destroy what you've made with the therapist, it's too much that you've agreed to go but if they cause an attack or episode, you know I'm not going to stand by and do nothing.- He and everyone is very protective of me, almost three years have passed since that accident and from that moment Kelly has protected me, then voight met me and took me under his care, and i could say that if kelly would kill for me, voight would make an alibi.

-Yes I know; I know that you are not going to stand still but I know very well that he will look for anything to shout at them, and keep in mind that some will be under your command.-

-Yes, well, we'll see what happens.-

-Kel.- I insist but he doesn't turn to look at me, suddenly he smiles. -What are you laughing at?-

-That I won't be the one to cause trouble.- He nods forward at me.

-Damn.- Antonio, Adam and Jay's car is parked next to the station. -We're supposed to see them at the station.-

He laughs and gets out of the car, I didn't want trouble and now I'm so sure everything will be a problem.

-Are you going in?- he asks looking at me.

-Yes, just give me a moment.- he nods, I know he wants to stay by my side but he also knows that I need my space.

Kelly walks in while I stay in the car for a moment.

The two trucks of 118 and 126 are already in front of the station, I know that the committee provided each of the firefighters with a place to stay, we will have ours in Texas and Los Angeles.

I walk to the driveway to see all of 118 on the side of his truck, talking.

I pass by her and the conversation stops, they don't stop looking at me but I keep walking.

-Buck.- Chim's voice calls me, I feel his hand on my shoulder, I quickly turn away from his hand. -We can ta…-

-Evan- Adam appears next to me, he looks at everyone 118–Are you okay?-

-Yes.- I whisper looking at 118 who are now in front of us. Jay, Antonio and Kim appear at our sides, I can feel that tension and the way they try to intimidate 118 and the way the boy who still hasn't I know it goes backwards, they are achieving it.

-I'm sorry I didn't introduce myself.- Adam smiles, I know this could be a minefield.- I'm Adam Ruzek, Chicago police, intelligence.- Bobby looks at me, but Adam calls his attention.- My colleagues Antonio Dawson, Jay Halstead and Kim Burgess, now without permission, we have things to do.- He took me by the shoulder, pulling me into the station. I can see the 126 and 51 looking through the small windows in the door, all when I see them running in. I didn't want this.

We entered and I walked towards the lockers, I couldn't breathe trying to think about everything that was going to happen.

-Are you okay?- I was startled, I hadn't heard Jay follow me.

-What are you doing here? We're not supposed to see each other at the station.- I didn't want to bring both worlds together, I didn't want Voigh to do something crazy.

-We have to talk to everyone and Voight is here to talk to the captains.- What?

-Voight is here?- Damn he left everything in my locker and I rush out, I can't let Bobby and Voight get together, Voight had promised that if he saw one of the 118 he would beat them up and I'm almost sure he would.

Walking into the room I see Boden and Voight talking, oh my god.

The 118 and 126 walk through the door, and I see Owen look at me and then look from him to Voight, he knew him.

-Okay everyone, before we talk to the lieutenants and captains, Sergeant Voight has to tell us something.-

Everyone pays attention.

-You have to be careful since we have a serial arsonist.- We all tense up.- 17 firefighters have died in 3 fires, you have to be careful and for those who are not from here, be careful and follow the instructions of your captains or lieutenants .- We all nodded.- Now I would like to speak to the lieutenants and captains.- Boden seats and walks to his office, Jay, Kim, Antonio and Adam follow him.

-Well, Captain Nash and Strand, choose two of yours to also be present.- Boden didn't look, he went to his office, Kelly, Matt and I followed him when he entered his office, we settled, Voght smiles at me and hugs me.

-You know I'm here.-

-I know.- He will continue to protect me with his all his life.

He pulls back and pats me on the shoulder.

Bobby walks in with Eddie and Chim, Owen walks in with TK and Judd. we all fell silent.

-You have to be careful with your equipment, if there is something out of the ordinary, it is better that you let us know.- Voight looks at everyone.

-Of course.- Everything is awkward silence.

-Dinner tonight?- Voight asks me, and now I understand why he decided to get everyone together, to show that I'm not alone.

 

-Eh no. I have dinner with the Herrmanns.- I whisper.- But we'll go to Mollys later.-

-Everyone is invited.- Matt tells the others, who don't say anything.

-Okay, I have to go.- Voight walks towards the exit but stops in front of Bobby, Chim and Eddie.

-Voight.- I whisper.

-Captain Nash, Firefighter Diaz and Han, if any of you or your team causes trouble or bothers Evan, you will deal with me and be sure that I have investigated all of you, and you may have a sergeant wife but if you they do something to Evan, they will not find his body and believe me Captain can say and do what you wants but many have tried to make me fall but no one has succeeded.- Bobby is very tense, as is everyone.- And it goes to you too, firefighter Diaz , because Evan is not exhausting at all.- Eddie seems angry but Chim has his left arm held tightly.- Ruzek, Burgess stay.- and with that he leaves the room, taking Jay and Antonio, leaving everyone very tense .

-Funny.- Kelly whispers, I turn to see him.

-I'm sorry about that, Captain Nash.- Boden tells him but they just look at me hard, the anxiety is coming back.

-We can just divide the teams.-

Maybe it wasn't that bad, Voight didn't hit nobody

Chapter 7: And why couldn't I be enough?

Notes:

My first language is not English. And I'm sorry for the confusion but Kelly is a man just like Buck, I'm bad with pronouns when writing them, but I hope you like it.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Evan.

Evan.

Breathe.

Why can't I breathe?

Green eyes look at me desperately

Kelly?

I try to look further.

Son, breathe.

Son?

Voight.

Bobby?

Evan, breathe.

1 hour before.

Today it was something simple, two minor fires, a car crash, no serious injuries.

After Voight left, Kim and Adam hung around the station, I know they've been informed that I'm fine and that no one from 118 has been bothering me, Voight is very overprotective, I stayed with the two firefighters that I didn't know, but it was good; now I know their names Ravi panikkar and Lucy Donato, besides TK and Mateo are with me and my usual team, Herrmann, Ritter and Blake; I really care about Kelly's team, other than dawson stayed so they could be even with him, and his team Cruz, Capp and Tony, Judds and Paul stayed with him and one thing I didn't want was for Kelly to stay with Eddie, and from what I saw all day, Kelly kept him behind, wouldn't let him in; and Casey stayed with Otis, Mouch, Stella and Marjan although Casey for everyone's safety kept more than 118, she stayed with Chim and apparently his brother Albert and Bosko, she really didn't want anything to do with Bosko but she knew not to it was his fault; Brett is with Tommy in one of the ambulances and the other is Violet, Hen and Nancy.

It all went relatively well but weird, like we were walking on eggshells.

I drive towards Mollys, Herrmann is behind me; he knew that 126 had invited 118 to go, so we can start getting along, and I really want us all to get along, I don't want any problems between seasons and more if we're going to be together for almost 3 weeks.

I go in and see that 126 and 128 are together at a table talking, he quickly froze me; I turn around to see Bobby, he is having a soda; Brilliant. A part of me is still worried about them, I can't stop feeling that feeling of concern.

I sit next to Kelly and Matt, they both smile at me.

Kim and Adam are next to me.

-How did it go?- Kim asks.

-Good, as always.- Gabby puts a beer in front of me.

We started talking about the day.

-Hey, Bu-Evan.- I hear Hen's voice behind me, I see her again, I've missed her; she didn't do anything wrong, she welcomed me with a cupcake, but she didn't help me with the others either.

-Yes.- I whisper.

-We can talk.- They have been insisting on talking, it is best to do it.

-Hell no.- Kelly stops looking at her, I can see Bobby, Eddie and Chim tense up.

-Kelly.- He looks at me. -I need this.-

-No, you've improved a lot.-

-Trust me.-I take his hand.

-I trust you, I don't trust them.- him eyes beg me to do it but I need to close now.

-Please.- I beg, he sighs and nods.

-But I'll accompany you.- No, he couldn't let that happen, he would listen to everything and any word could provoke him.

-Kelly.-

-I'll accompany him, I'll stay behind and not get involved, and if I see that something is wrong I'll call you.- Kim stands next to me.

Kelly is so tense but I hug him, he hugs me tightly, for being 8 centimeters less than me, I felt small.

-Good.- He whispers next to me, giving me a kiss on the forehead.

Hen looks at the others and nods, I get out of the mollys, lean back in my car, waiting for everyone to get out,

Kim looks at me.

-Are you sure you want to do this?-

-Yes.- She nods and squeezes my shoulder to sit on the steps in front of the door.

Hen hangs out with Bobby, Eddie and Chim.

The four of them stand in front of me, it's an awkward silence.

-Well, what do you want to talk about, you wanted to talk.- I break the silence.

-Maddie's been looking for you since you left.- Chim is the first to initiate, and I know it's a cheap shot of him using Maddie.

-I know, but I needed my time.- Eddie snorts angrily.

-During 5 years.-

- Okay, yes. I needed time.-

-You left Christopher.- Eddie claims angrily and I feel tears in my eyes, on the verge.

-Don't bring Christopher into this.- I whispered roughly, looking into Eddie's eyes.

-Why not? You were the one who left us.- He takes a step forward, Kim looks at me.

-Eddie.- Bobby stops him

-I left you?, you were the first to abandon me, to leave me alone.- I try to breathe, my hands begin to shake.

-Yeah, that's what you get for what you did.- Bobby and Hen try to pull Eddie back.

-What did I do?- An anger suddenly appears in me.- I did everything for you, everything; and tell me Diaz, do you think it didn't hurt me to leave them, you think I know nothing about what happened, I know about your anger problems that apparently you've handled us, I know that Maddie and Chim had a daughter that I couldn't fucking see! Because I'm so terrified to see you that I couldn't go back, and don't bring Christopher into this because if you really want to accuse me of leaving him, think what would have happened if someone found out about your street fights.- Eddie takes a step back. -You think not? I know, I know everything about you because I never stop looking at you, I never stop worrying about you, and hell you don't know what I've lived in these 5 years.- The four look at me surprised, tears fall down my face, they are a lot of feeling .

-Buck.- Bobby whispers.

-Evan!- I screamed.- I stopped being Buck 5 years ago, when he was destroyed by those he loved.-

-You left us.- Eddie whispers, apparently still angry.

-Don't let you, you let me.- I look into his eyes and maybe his next words were the straw that broke the camel's back.

-And now you're here as a lieutenant, probably because you're sleeping with the other lieutenant, right? Surely you slept with everyone.- My breath stops, no.

I hear Bobby, Chim, and Hen call out Eddie's name.

I can't breathe.

I see Kim and she runs to me pushing Eddie and Bobby who are in front of me, I see her yell but she doesn't yell at herself.

I fall to the ground, trying to breathe, why can't I breathe?

Some hands take my face and I see green eyes.

Kelly.

breathe evan

Can't.

Breathe son.

Voight appears in my vision and he looks worried.

Why is it so hard to breathe?

I didn't want to, I didn't want to.

Hands holding me

I remember the sand on my face.

The force.

-Be a good bitch.- That voice.

no i didn't want to

Notes:

Tell me what you think, I really needed to write this, don't hate Eddie he just has anger issues because he could never solve them, later things will change, I have an idea about the next chapter but I have to ask; Do they want blood or no?
Maybe it will take a little longer in the next chapter but the truth is that I have not been well, less than 4 hours ago I literally asked my family for help and they told me that how could I be tired if I was only 20 years old, what would I do when I am his age... I'm not well but really writing and making edits on tik tok encourage me a lot and help me cope with things.

Chapter 8: Never say Never

Notes:

English is not my first language, I hope you like it.

Really, if they told him that today I would end up on the ground, i would tell them that they are absolutely right, I knew that since the morning when I saw Buck his anger was increasing little by little, seeing him happy and with his friends made him feel angry but not because I hates seeing him like this, but because I knows it's his fault; everything that happened is his fault and I didn't really mean what I said but before I could close my mouth, the words just spilled out.

I didn't know who was on top of me, it really confuses those around me; and a part of I knows I deserves it, knows that the beating I is getting is his fault.

I think this is the man who showed up this morning, Adam Ruzek; He's really strong and I didn't make any effort to defend myself, I just closed my eyes and endured every punch he gave me in the face, he had me by the shirt.

Someone took it off me and I fell to the ground, I felt the hands on me but I wasn't really paying attention; I opened my eyes to see Hen and Bobby trying to pick me up and check my face but I moved away.

-I'm fine.- I said knowing it was a lie, and then I noticed.

Buck was on the floor against the wall having a fucking panic attack, Lieutenant Severide and Sergeant Voight are kneeling in front of him, and I felt like an idiot.

He didn't deserve this, he wasn't to blame for anything, me and my damn problems.

-Let go of me.- The guy who was hitting me now I can see it well now I know if it was Adam Ruzek he was struggling against two other men who by the presentation in the morning were, Antonio Dawson and Jay Halstead.

Bobby stood in front of me; I knew someone else would want to hit me but I really don't want Bobby in on this.

Severide and Voight calmed Buck down and I could see him come to, this is my fucking fault.

Voight hugged Buck, letting Buck's head rest on his chest, he could hear her muttering to him.
-Kelly.- The yell brought me back to attention. Severide was walking towards me, I knew he wanted to beat me up, but Lieutenant Casey and Firefighter Herrmann stopped him.

-Kelly, Evan needs you.- Voight calls him and I saw in Severide's eyes a duel between going for me or going for Buck; Buck… Evan, it sounded too weird to call him Evan; In the end, Severide walked towards Evan and helped him stand up. Buck didn't even look at us when they put him in a truck. Firefighter Kidd and Dawson got in and left.

And for a moment in my life I was really afraid, Sergeant Voight turned to see me, he had promised that if we did anything to Buck he would kill us, I took a step back when he walked towards us.

-Ruzek.- He spoke with force and authoritarianism, Bobby tensed but still didn't move; Ruzek stopped struggling with the other two, and calmed down looking at everyone.

-Mr. Diaz, you want to press charges?- What? Charges? It really took me out of context, Ruzek tensed but didn't say anything

-No.- was the only thing I said, Hen and Chim looked at me surprised.

-Well, Captain Nash, I recommend that you talk to your firefighters and leave.- Are you letting us go? Despite everything.- Díaz, if it weren't for Evan, you wouldn't continue breathing, so I recommend you be very careful.-His voice was so cold and dry that it caused me a huge chill, it was a threat but loaded with great weight Without further ado, he turned around and called everyone.

Some entered the Bar again and others left in their cars, only we remained in silence

-Let's go.- Bobby spoke walking to the van that had been provided to us by the commission, I knew that i had screwed up and that I had to face the consequences.

All the way nobody said anything, and I began to feel tingles on my face, my shirt was stained with blood, I didn't know if it was mine from my face or Ruzek's from his fists.

We arrived at the house that was provided to us, Ravi, Lucy, Albert and Lena were not there, they had decided to tour the place and I am really grateful that they were with us and saw what an idiot I was.

When we entered, Hen pulled me to the kitchen making me sit on a chair, Chim came over with the medicine kit, they began to clean me, it hurt but that pain reminded me that I deserved it 100%, at all times Bobby looked at me with arms crossed leaning against a wall in front of me.

-When we return you will make an appointment with Frank.- I knew, Frank has been helping me with my anger problems and with Buck's departure, I started seeing him two months after Buck left, all because of my parents who began to Seeing that I was in trouble, Christopher was almost taken from me.

-Yes.- I whisper.

-Christopher is going to be very angry with you.- Hen scolds me while cleaning myself.

-I know, I was an idiot, I wanted to apologize, tell him that I had been a bad friend and an idiot but I saw it, and I got angry, because it made me remember everything that happened after he left.- Hen backs away looking at me I wanted to cry, but I held on.

-You didn't defend yourself.- Chim looked at me.

-No.- I chuckled, licked my lips that taste like metal.- When I felt the first blow I knew I deserved it.- Bobby sighed.

-It's time to rest, I'll wait for the others to arrive well, but Eddie what you did is wrong, what we did is wrong and maybe after this it's better to leave it, do what we came to do and give him his space, we can't take away the happiness he has here.- Bobby had tears in his eyes, he knew that he had also suffered from Buck's departure, he had problems with Athena and was about to drink again; But even so, we stayed together hoping that one day we could see Buck and ask for forgiveness, but now I have taken that opportunity away from everyone, I don't think they will let us get close to him.

It's my fault.