Chapter Text
The first few times Alphonse Elric had to explain why he wore, why he was a suit of hollow armor, he told the truth the best he could. He explained to a fearful Winry and Pinako that it really was him, that he was somehow attached to the armor in absence of a body. Then, it had been to a Lieutenant Colonel Mustang, who looked between the hollow armor with a voice and the young child it called ‘Brother’. The alchemist remembered old myths he’d read in a molding alchemy tome, of ancients that had breathed life into mud and dolls. He called it ‘soul binding’, and he was right.
When Edward became coherent enough, he choked out the rest of the story. He told of how he’d bound Al’s soul to the armor in exchange for his right arm, and ever so cautiously showed his younger brother the blood seal that tied him to the world.
Edward loved his brother all the same, regardless of his form. He patted iron gauntlets as if they were human arms, and tenderly polished the armor till it shone. The armor was Alphonse, and Alphonse was his brother. Regardless of form, that was fact. But while Ed looked past the steel, past the soulfire, to see amber eyes and golden hair, not all could.
It was, admittedly, rather hard to explain why someone would wear such a large suit of armor around at all times. It was even harder to explain why a seemingly hollow suit of armor moved as if it were alive and spoke with the voice of a child. If they didn’t know Al, their first impression was not ‘friendly’ but ‘demon’. Then there was the issue that human transmutation and soul blinding was technically a crime, and neither brother was interested in going to prison.
They couldn’t exactly answer: “Why do you wear that armor?” with the truth.
So, drawing inspiration from Ed’s many excuses for his lack of two limbs, and confronted with the need to excuse Al’s armor-ness, the brothers began to plot the second List™.
1. “It’s alchemy training.”
If there existed a default response to why Alphonse wore the armor, this was it.
It was rather well-known that alchemists were often strange folk. They turned art and magic into science, took the physical world in their hands and shaped it like clay. For all that alchemy was a science, it may as well have been magic to those who did not understand it.
The greatest and most well known alchemists were those snatched by the military, made famous for their destruction. To those who watched, they took nature and bent it to their will. But there were also town alchemists and hobby practitioners, living into the adage of ‘be thou for the people’. These folk did not have the grandeur of the State Alchemists, but they were still often a strange sort.
In some, it was more benign. It was simply a different way of thinking from their townmates, looking at rock and seeing iron, carbon, and silica. In others, it was more crazed, a lean from the understanding of Equivalence into the belief of a self-made God.
So yes, alchemists were a strange folk.
For one to be wearing a suit of armor as training? Well, it wouldn’t be the weirdest thing they’d seen an alchemist do.
2. “It’s a hobby.”
This was another tried and true response of the Elrics.
While it usually garnered them strange looks, the looks were no stranger than how people had viewed them before. Between their status as alchemists and Ed’s temper and short-complex, Alphonse wearing armor as a hobby became the least of their worries.
And well, if people thought wearing the armor was a hobby… they didn’t usually question it further. People had plenty of strange hobbies.
Just look at Hawkeye and her tendency to put bullets a millimeter from lazing office workers. Or Havoc and his smoking habits. Or Mustang and his goal of getting all the military employees’ significant others (regardless of gender) to drop their partners in favor of admiring his charismatic good looks.
Wearing armor was comparatively tame (and non harmful) when you thought about it. No mental trauma, smoke-filled lungs, or broken hearts to speak of!
3. “It’s part of my religion.”
This excuse was seldom used, and had actually been the brainchild of Mustang.
The original instance had been when the brothers and Colonel had been confronted by a rather snotty bureaucrat demanding ‘why is he wearing a suit of armor’ and to ‘take the damn thing off!’ Since Edward refused to go without Alphonse, Mustang had played damage control.
“My associate would take the armor off,” Mustang said, soothing the ruffled official. “But you see, it is part of his religious identity. He deprives himself of food and the gaze of others as a test of strength. He is building his spirit to be as indomitable as the armor he wears. He can’t be seen by others, it is taboo to look upon him during this time! You understand of course?”
Through the Colonel’s honeyed words, the official had dropped the demands. Yet another fell to the current that was Mustang’s weaponized charisma.
“Not bad, Colonel,” Edward snickered as the trio strode away. “‘Indomitable spirit’, huh?”
“Yes, unlike you. You’re rather un-domitable, Fullmetal.”
Edward’s typical incoherent scream of rage regarding his height burst forth, and discussion of the excuse was dropped.
They did use it several more times, though it wasn’t a favored explanation. Both brothers would admit using a made up religious excuse didn’t sit well with them. (Mainly Alphonse, because he didn’t want to offend anyone. Ed had a grudge against God and would gleefully spite It given half a chance).
4. “We needed a place to store all the cats.”
By this point, Alphonse’s love of cats had become well known around Eastern Command.
The cats seemed to love him just as much, as the suit of armor could often be seen with one riding on his shoulders or perched on his head. There were also times when a meow would echo from within the metallic depths, and people would learn what an armor’s equivalent of a blush was.
(And they’d occasionally be witness to one of the Elric’s quarrels as Edward demanded he, “Leave it Alphonse! We can’t care for a cat!” and Al would avidly protest his lack of allowance of cats.)
5. “One day he shall emerge from it as a beautiful butterfly.”
The reasons for this excuse had actually been rather sweet.
The brothers were on one of their many train voyages across the country, and Alphonse had been the subject of much staring by unsubtle passengers. Whilst Edward tried to glare the nosy people into submission, a small girl, no older than five, had approached the younger Elric.
“Uh, excuse me, mister? Why are you in that armor?”
The brothers’ exchanged a slightly panicked look before Ed’s eyes alighted on the butterfly clips that pinned the young child’s hair back. He smiled despite himself.
“You like butterflies?” Edward asked, nodding to her clips. The young child smiled widely, showing gapped teeth.
“Yeah! They’re so pretty!”
“Did you know that butterfly’s cocoon themselves up? It’s how they turn from caterpillars into your clips. Well, Al’s a little like that. One day, he’ll emerge from that armor as a beautiful butterfly!”
The young girl ‘oooh-ed’ with joy, grinning at Alphonse. “Wow mister! I bet you’ll be a great butterfly!”
After she’d toddled back to her parents, Alphonse practically wept with joy.
“Oh, Brother! You see me as a butterfly? I’m touched!”
“Shut up!”
Ed’s complaints continued for a bit, but they mysteriously vanished after the young girl came back, this time with a crayon picture of Alphonse with multicolored wings attached. “It’s you!” she exclaimed happily. “When you get your wings!”
6. “It makes him feel tall.”
The soldier looked from Edward to Alphonse in confusion. “But he’s already tall?”
Edward rolled his eyes. “You think he’s actually that tall? Please, we’re brothers! Nah, he just felt so small that he thought he needed to be bigger. Ergo, armor!”
“But… with all the complaining you do… shouldn’t you be the one in it?”
“WHO’RE YOU CALLING SO SMALL HE’D BE STEPPED ON I’LL BREAK YOUR ARMS!”
Needless to say, the curious soldier was forced to make a swift retreat while Alphonse made use of his large size to hold back his homicidal older brother.
7. “I have a very protective older brother.”
Maes Hughes looked from Alphonse to Edward, who was currently digging out a knife from where it had lodged in the plates of his automail. Hughes could vaguely make out complaints against ‘stupid ambushing knife weilding mercenaries’ amidst the swearing.
He thought of his sweet, adorable Elysia and his reaction if she should ever try to be on a battlefield.
“You know what, that tracks.”
8. “I can't risk people recognizing me.”
Breda and Havoc snickered as they watched the curious soldier fumble in response.
“Really, if they were trying to be inconspicuous, they failed,” Breda chuckled, marking down the response in Alphonse’s version of the List™. It was quickly growing to be just as extensive as the elder brothers'.
Havoc nodded in agreement. “Yeah, between an eight foot tall suit of armor and Edward’s… everything, it’s impossible to not recognize them.”
9. “They said we needed to get him a bell, but he was still too stealthy.”
This prompted terror in the hearts of those who heard it.
Alphonse already managed to be shockingly stealthy despite visually being perhaps the most obvious person in a crowd. And that wasn’t even considering that the massive suit of armor he wore that by all rights should be making a racket. Many soldiers had already had the living daylights scared out of them when the younger Elric appeared from nowhere. That he could somehow be even stealthier? It made them want to string him with warning lights and noise makers.
Of course, there was a trick to Alphonse’s stealth. As a suit of armor, he had no need or urge to unconsciously shift or move about. So long as he stayed still and silent, he could slip into the background without any second thought. And in the Military Command, where decorative armor or weaponry wasn’t unheard of?
Well, Al became the undisputed champion of Eastern Command hide and seek (or “stealth training”).
10. “I'm not wearing armor???”
After being bribed by Edward, Havoc and Falman in the form of keeping a cat for a week, Alphonse agreed to try his hand at hazing some of the new Eastern soldiers. When Al expressed concern about pranking the recruits, Ed pointed out that it wasn’t a lie, exactly.
“You technically are the armor, Al. You’re not wearing it. So it’s not a lie, you’re clarifying a misunderstanding.”
Alphonse’s impish grin could be felt straight through solid steel.
So the prank commenced, and Alphonse greeted the new recruits with Havoc at his side. They introduced themselves, until the unlucky recruit asked the fated question, respect for rank unable to resist curiosity. “So, uh… Sir, why do you wear that armor?”
“I’m not wearing armor?” Alphonse said in confusion, and then it was Edward and Falman’s time to shine. Ed came up, greeting Al and turning questioning gazes on the recruits.
“Hey Al, what’s going on?”
“Brother! Oh, these men think I’m wearing armor.”
Ed laughed, raising an eyebrow at the recruits. “Seriously? Please, Al’s not wearing armor. Hey, Lieutenant Havoc?”
“Yes, Chief?”
“Does Al look like he’s wearing armor to you?”
“No, sir. Alphonse seems like his perfectly right self. No wearing of armor whatsoever.”
They left the recruits thoroughly confused and questioning their grip on reality. Edward and Alphonse shared impish grins of glee, while Havoc and Falman wondered when the younger Elric had turned into as much of a gremlin as his older brother.
11. “It’s a trial period.”
The townsperson who’d asked the question blinked in confusion. “Trial period? For what?”
“Good question,” Edward said, leaving the poor individual even more confused. Whilst questioning their grasp of Amestrian, the Elric brothers took the opportunity. They hustled past, abandoning the conversation in favor of escape.
“Wait! Hold on! What do you mean?!”
The poor civilian to the Elric’s chaos never would find out what the armor was a trial period for. In the Elric’s guess? It was a trial period for how long it takes to figure out how to bring back a human body after it’s lost to the rebound of a human transmutation.
12. “Protection against the assassins.”
“Oh, you too?” Ling asked, kicking his feet against the window ledge. “My record is what, three in one day?”
“Five actually, Young Lord,” Lan Fan corrected.
“Yep, five,” Ling jerked a head towards his bodyguard. “Whadda’bout you?”
“Most attempts on my life in one day?” Alphonse tapped one gauntlet-finger against his ‘chin’. “Well, there are some days where it’s just ‘non-stop danger towards my life’… does that count as ‘one’ or is it continuous?”
13. “Alphonse's puppy eyes were too much for the world to take. We had to limit his power somehow.”
Hughes, Hawkeye, Fuery, Havoc, Breda and Falman all looked over at Alphonse, who was letting Elysia use him as a jungle gym. Delightled laughter echoed from the armor, at the pitch of a young boy rather than the deep voice one would expect from armor of such a size.
Edward dug around in his pockets for a minute before he proudly thrust forward a slip of paper. “See? Inside that armor, Al’s literally adorable.”
The soldiers leaned forwards to see a picture of a younger Alphonse, large grin splitting his face. Indeed, Al had a pair of large amber-colored eyes that would have put a puppy to shame. Several ‘awwws’ emerged from the soldiers, and Hughes even coo-ed over the picture.
“Sorry Hughes,” Havoc muttered. “Tiny Al might give Elysia a run for her money.”
Edward was just thankful that Hughes directed his ire towards Havoc instead of him. When the Lieutenant Colonel returned, he and Edward went back to cooing over pictures of their respective persons.
14. “We got called from the drycleaners and there was nothing else to wear.”
The soldier driving the Elrics towards their destination — which really wasn’t necessary considering they could hear the explosions from here, if they’d walked they could have escaped the interrogation — froze.
“Er, but, what about what you were wearing while your clothes washed?”
“Like I said,” Edward bared his teeth. “Nothing else.”
Once the soldier was driving away, above the speed limit too, Alphonse leveled a slap at his brother’s shoulder. “Really, Brother?! He’s going to think I’m naked!”
“You’re not naked, you’re wearing armor!”
“Inside the armor!”
15. “It’s the ultimate cooking suit.”
“How?!” the incredulous listener asked. “I’d be surprised if you can even pick up a pen with those gauntlets! Let alone measure spices!”
Edward shrugged. “I never said we were using spices. We go after bigger dishes. Hey, Al?”
“Yes, Brother?”
“When’s the last time we had bear meat?”
“Hmm… probably when Teacher took us to Briggs in summer? It was rather stringy, wasn’t it?”
“Yeah,” Ed hummed in reply. “All muscle, no fat. Not like the fall bears.”
“She said those were the best ones, right? Taste great with Aerugonian seasoning.”
16. “I got stuck and we’re still trying to figure out how to get me out.”
Alphonse quickly tried to reassure their audience that, ‘No, it’s fine, please don’t go get a hacksaw to cut me out, really, please.’ Meanwhile, Edward quietly thought that the excuse was all too true. Al’s soul was stuck in the armor, only while they could easily ‘get him out’ now, the hard part was finding how to get him into his proper body.
I’ll get it Al, Ed promised. Soon.
17. “Well, you see Al has this condition where he is incredibly buoyant.”
The barman raised an eyebrow. “Buoyant?”
Edward nodded. “Yes. It means he’s lighter than air, so we put him in armor since it’s the only thing heavy enough to keep him down to earth. We’re currently searching for a way to cure him of this strange illness.”
“I’m not going to catch it, right?”
“No, no. If that’s the case I’d be in space by now.”
While the barman hummed his satisfaction and left them, Alphonse gave the older Elric a dry look. “Are you calling me an airhead, Brother?”
18. “He lost a bet.”
People ‘ahhh-ed’ and moved along.
It explained everything.
19. “He’s practicing for All Hallows.”
“But that’s not for months!” the woman protested. She turned her narrowed eyes on Al. “What are you supposed to be anyways?”
“Uh… I’m the iron man,” Al stuttered slightly.
“Technically, he’d been the iron-carbon-nickel-chromium man,” Edward cut in, his reflexive need to ‘logic’ taking over. “The armor is composed primarily of iron but it also has trace amounts of chromium and carbon, around a few percent.”
“I…” the woman faltered, and her child, a young boy with several missing teeth, peeked out from behind his mother’s legs.
“You cou’d be the Fullmetal Alche’ist!” he giggled. “Tha’ one neig’hor who knows a guy in the military says the Fullmetal Alche’ist wears armor like you!”
Ed wasn’t sure whether to cry at the mistaken identity or laugh at the idea of his brother dressing as him for All Hallows.
20. “He stole all the tall genes in the family.”
Edward gave his brother a baleful stare. “It’s betrayal, really. I try so hard to help you and this is the thanks I get?”
“I can’t help it, Brother!”
“Hmm, you’re right. It’s Hohenheim’s fault,” Ed hummed. “He was already a bastard and a deadbeat, but he just had to give you all the height genes too. Honestly, the nerve of that man.”
“… What does that have to do with armor?”
21. “He was so pure and innocent looking, so he used it to his advantage and bribed people. We put him in the armor to keep him from taking over the world.”
“I’m pretty sure Alphonse wouldn’t bribe people,” Fuery pointed out.
“Yeah,” Havoc nodded in agreement. “Al’s way too nice for that. He wouldn’t bribe anyone. Hell, if I hadn’t seen him fight, I’d think he’d apologize whenever he hit someone.”
Edward gave his coworkers a long, long look. They were the innocent ones, apparently oblivious to Al’s gremlin nature. His brother would absolutely bribe someone. And fighting? Alphonse routinely wiped the floor with Ed and then stood over him, cackling. (He’d been especially prone to it when they still had their bodies.)
“You know what,” Ed said slowly. “I think Al being in the armor has somehow made you people think he’s even more innocent than he was originally.”
22. “Underground fighting rings.”
The soldier Alphonse had spoken to blinked, and looked between the two brothers. “Er… aren’t those illegal?”
Edward nodded. “Yep.”
“So… why are you telling me? A military officer?”
His answering smile was all teeth. “Again, underground fighting rings. Al’s knocked people out in one hit, and they were around 200 pounds heavier than you. How well do you think you’ll fare?” Al’s fisted gauntlet hit the opposing palm with a resounding clang.
The soldier went white.
23. “He’s shy.”
The other train passenger raised an eyebrow, glancing at Alphonse. “Shy, huh?”
“Yep.”
“Pretty shy if he wears armor to hide in. Doesn’t that just garner more stares?”
“There are upsides and downsides.”
24. “It’s a science experiment.”
“A science experiment? On what?”
Ed and Al exchanged glances. “Short version or the long version?”
“Long version.”
Edward sighed. “Long version? We were investigating the composition of the human body and were curious how different biological systems would interact as well as the physiological and psychological integrity of the person in question. It’s both a study in the extended effects on the human body as well as a protective suit against potential hazards since our experiments are frequently volatile—”
“Eh, wait, you know what? I’ll take the short version.”
“Alright, short version? Because science.”
25. “I am the armor.”
Alphonse would sometimes tell this to people they met on their travels, just to see what their reactions were. Unsurprisingly, they did not believe him (at least not without additional evidence). For some, they’d dismiss the statement as nonsensical. Because of course he wasn’t the armor! That would be silly! How was a human supposed to be ‘the armor’? That, or they’d listen to his high, boyish voice, and believe him to be a rather tall child playing pretend.
(And then, for some close friends who were shown the hollowness of the armor, several missing pieces clicked into place. ‘Ah,’ they’d say as they realized it was, in a way, the truth.)