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Izzy tries his hardest to avoid Lucius after their last encounter.
He tells himself it’s because he doesn’t need to be looked after. And that the younger man didn’t mean any of it. That he was only spewing lies and empty promises. And Izzy can’t listen to empty promises. Plus the accusation that he “gave up on himself”. He had never heard anything so ridiculous. Where did the scribe dig that out of? Sure, maybe he hasn’t been putting himself first for a while..the last couple decades or so. But there’s so many other things he needs to focus on. Important things.
His feelings and wants can be put off a little while longer. He’ll get to them.
Eventually.
So, he tries to spend the least amount of time around him as possible. Which honestly isn’t the easiest thing to do on a ship. But it doesn’t stop him from trying.
He has to prove that he can cope by himself. Prove it to Lucius..If he can prove it to him, then he’ll have to back down. Right? He won’t torture Izzy with any more coddling. Any more comforting..Not that he’s come to like either of those things. The whole reason he’s doing this is because he doesn’t want those things..
It’s to prove that to Lucius. Just Lucius. Right..
It was actually far easier than he originally thought. He already didn’t chat much with anyone on the ship outside of assigning jobs and screaming at the crew for not doing said jobs. So really it wasn’t much different. He was right back where he was before all of this. Having no one but himself to run to.
God, he didn’t realize how lonely he was before.
He had a good time by himself for the first week. It was pretty quiet. Really quiet actually.
The first week went by with not a hint of the now familiar foggy feeling. Which he couldn’t have been more grateful for. It was almost like how it had been before. Back to normal. Back to what Izzy was used to. Not having anything other than his work to worry about. The same work. The same work he’s been doing for so so many years. The work he loves..
By the second week, things seem to start going a lot slower. The days seemed to slow down somewhat. And he couldn’t help but sneak little glances over at Lucius when they’re both on deck. The scribe hadn’t seemed to care that Izzy wasn’t paying him any visits. He seemed to stay unaffected. Immediately going back to joining in on teasing Izzy with the rest of the crew. He was back to having a great time not having to pretend to put up with Izzy..
It hadn’t bothered Izzy at first. Why would it? Why should it? The scribe seemed to enjoy not having to rush to Izzy’s aid whenever he’s feeling upset. So–it shouldn’t bother him.
It obviously doesn’t bother Lucius.
He seemed to go back to how things were rather quickly..so why shouldn’t Izzy?
There’s a few moments where he can feel the beginnings of the fog. Like when one of the crew managed to sneak out of having to scrape barnacles and he had to do it himself. Or when he heard some of the crew bring up the whole ‘izzy the spewer’ and ‘dizzy izzy’ jokes again. And the worst of it was after a couple particularly sleepless nights in a row, hearing people walking past his door way earlier than usual. Trying to sneak up on him it seemed. Even Bonnet made a comment about just how jumpy he seemed.
Still, he held out. He had been able to push away the fog before, and he would be able to do it again. If it happened to get worse, he’d just hole himself up in his room. All was fine.
The next time Izzy isn’t able to simply keep the fog at bay, it’s right after the four week mark.
What is it that throws him over the edge?
Some stupid, quick, comment that was obviously meant to be a joke. A quick joke about just how haggard and tired he looked. From his own captain no less. It was the kind of comment he would normally not care about, or send over one of his signature glares for, but this time it was too much.
Because he really was that tired. Although he had been doing more, and better work, he wasn’t getting very many hours of sleep. His sleep schedule had remained the same, not getting better, and somehow even getting a bit worse towards the very end. Unable to get even a wink of sleep most nights.
He felt the fog start to wash over him and his thoughts, and tries his best to fight it off. He really does. He had held on for so long already, why did the most idiotic thing have to be the one that does it? Still, he wouldn’t give in so easily and go running back into the arms of the scribe. No.. definitely not.
No matter how badly he might’ve wanted to.
Though it was still rather early in the work day, so if Izzy slips away for an hour or two, the crew won’t take no mind. Not that they do when he disappears anyways. They usually just continue to carry on being the laziest, most frustrating, group of “pirates” there’s ever been. Only throwing a party in his absence, twice.
So, there’s that.
He passes through the mess hall on his way to his room, trying to get there as quickly as he can. He feels like his legs start to get more and more wobbly the closer he gets to his room.
Unfortunately (fortunately) Lucius and Pete were sitting together at a table. Thankfully decent. They seemed to be sharing some sort of snack. There’s way more laughs being shared between them than Izzy’s ever had eating a snack. He stops for just a second to stare.
Not because he wanted to join them or anything–
Pete is the first one to notice Izzy. He stops laughing and sends over a small wave. Which quickly alerts Lucius to his presence as well.
Suddenly he’s stuck in place, being stared at by the two men.
They both look like they’re waiting for something. Waiting for Izzy to start yelling at them to get back to work probably. But, it doesn’t seem like that’ll be happening anytime soon.
Wanting to just make it back to his room, he gives a small wave back. It’s awkward and so very unlike Izzy that it makes Lucius laugh. Which seems to resolve some of the tension in the room, making Pete smile.
He tries to slowly sneak away as the two men begin to laugh and joke around again. He makes it a few steps before Lucius beckons him over to where they’re sitting.
He shakes his head, trying to let Lucius know that now is not the time to invite him to lunch. Maybe if it were just Lucius, he’d consider it. But seeing as Pete is sitting right there, he’d rather not. He’d rather not go over and embarrass himself in front of one of the only crew members onboard that somewhat respects him. Respects him enough to not talk badly about him while he’s in the room at least. Which, on The Revenge, means a lot.
Though, after the whole nightmare thing—he really wasn’t sure how much respect Pete still held for him..
Does it really matter though? How much any of the crew respect him? To some extent, obviously.
So instead he just shakes his head again while tugging on the hem of his vest, making the short rest of his trip to his cabin.
Maybe he wishes he had joined them just the tiniest bit as he closes the door. Apart from the obvious, he isn’t sure why he doesn’t just join them. It was such a normal thing, sitting down with friends while eating–not that they’re friends. He’s not their friend and they’re not his friends. They’re just the people he bosses around. That’s–all it is.
At least, Pete is. Lucius is..Izzy isn’t sure what to call Lucius.
What would Lucius be? He’s more than just part of Bonnet’s crew, but Izzy wouldn’t take a bullet for him or anything.
Oh..
Are those really the only two extremes Izzy has for people now? They’re either part of Bonnet’s gang of merry men or up there with Blackbeard himself?
Even in his fog-addled mind, he can see there’s something wrong with that. Something very wrong with that..
The scribe would be somewhere in the middle of the two. He’s very buddy-buddy with Bonnet and his crew, but also very tolerable of Izzy. And tolerable to Izzy. So, what would the middle be? Could it be—possibly the closest thing Izzy can think to a friend. It’s a bit sad. But he thinks that deep down, he might want to be friends with Lucius. Or, not exactly friends. But something like that. It’s scarier to think about than Izzy thinks it should be.
He lays himself down on his bed, feeling all the previous sleepless nights beginning to catch up with him. It’s a little ridiculous just how tired he feels.
God. Why does the fog have to amplify just how tired he really is? It seems to muffle and amplify everything at the same time. He isn’t sure if he can ever get used to it.
There’s a few quick knocks on his door, and if he could, he would shoot right up and tell them to piss off. But he’s well past that now. So all he’s able to manage is a very groggy and half mumbled, “Go away.”
Lucius, of course, doesn’t listen and peeks his head in. He’s greeted by a rather pitiful scene.
“Goodness, don’t you look awful.”
“Th’nks.” Izzy grumbles, not even bothering to open his eyes after realizing it’s only Lucius.
Instead of sitting down on the bed, Lucius stays standing up, looking down at Izzy sympathetically. The man really looks more tired than Lucius has ever seen.
“‘m sorry.”
There’s a short pause afterwards, Lucius isn’t sure what to say. There’s no point in trying to have a real conversation when Izzy’s barely able to stay awake.
“Izzy–just get some sleep, alright?”
He hears Izzy let out a small hum. Then moving around a little bit, seemingly trying to find a more comfortable position. He finds one, and opens his eyes to see Lucius just getting ready to leave.
The idea of waking up alone suddenly seems too frightening to Izzy. He doesn’t want to wake up alone. But he isn’t sure if he could ask Lucius to stay. Especially after the whole ‘doing my best to avoid you for four weeks straight’ thing. Would that be asking too much?
“Could you stay?” He asks in a small, soft, voice. Hoping that the worst thing the scribe can say is no. “Please?”
Lucius hesitates for just a second. His hand is literally on the door handle. Would it be wise to leave Izzy right now? When he so clearly doesn’t want to be alone? But the last time was hard to be around. He wants to help Izzy, and be there for him, but he can’t do that if Izzy won’t let him. He doesn’t want it to go back to how it was. He wants Izzy to actually want him there, and believe him. Which he does right now, barely able to stay awake and clearly not in his right mind..
Izzy hears a sigh, followed by the feeling of a dip in the bed, next to his legs.
“Yeah, I’ll stay.”
He lets out a deep breath he didn’t know he was holding in, before finally letting himself fall asleep. A good sleep.
Lucius wants to help, but Izzy has to be accepting of it. They have to work together. They have to have a talk, a real, serious, talk about it all.
He hates being serious, but it has to be done.
Izzy ends up sleeping a lot longer than he thought he would.
He doesn’t fret about it for too long. He rubs the sleep from his eyes and sits up. He immediately notices two things: that the irritating fog has been lifted, and that he’s alone. The latter upsets him for a tiny bit longer than he thinks it should. Still, he tries to push it from his mind.
And he’s able to for a minute, until Lucius makes his way back into the small room. He’s carrying a bowl and a small piece of bread while chewing something.
“Oh, you’re up.” Lucius says, surprised. “Thought you’d still be asleep.”
He hands over the food, pointing to the bread after he does so.
“Kinda had some of that, sorry.”
He doesn’t seem the tiniest bit sorry. But Izzy has never been a fan of stale bread, so it’s not like it’s a total loss. The two of them sit in silence for a few minutes while Izzy eats, Lucius doodling away in his journal.
“I thought you had left.” Izzy says, breaking the surprisingly comfortable silence.
“I thought about it,” Lucius confesses. “while you were asleep.”
He looks up from his journal, his face and tone growing more serious than Izzy ever thought possible.
Izzy isn’t sure how to respond to that. He wants to say he’s glad that Lucius didn’t leave, but he can’t. He wants to ask why he decided to stay. There’s a lot of things he wants to say, he just can’t say them. He isn’t sure why. He’s not scared. Izzy would rather get thrown overboard than ever admit he’s scared. But, he can’t think of another word to describe how he’s feeling.
So he only responds with a hum.
“Y’know, I was thinking,” Lucius begins, going back to drawing in his journal. Izzy somehow manages to not interject with ‘That’s never good.’. “I think we should really talk about this. All of this.”
Izzy can feel a slight tightening in his chest, instantly becoming rather uncomfortable. ‘God, not even safe in my own room.’ He really doesn’t want to talk about this. He doesn’t. But he knows that they’ll have to talk about it eventually, and it’d be best to just get it out of the way now. No matter how hard it might be. He’s a grown man, he should be able to get through a hard discussion like this. How silly to be scared of a conversation.
He wants to get right into it, and show Lucius that he agrees that they need to discuss this. He wants to be enthusiastic and talk about it all, but all he’s able to respond with is a very uncomfortable, “Alright..”
“Let’s start with something easy, why have you been–like, avoiding me the last month?”
Oh. So he did notice.
What’s the best way to explain this? Izzy tries to buy himself some extra time by beginning to eat his food a little slower. He should just be honest, right? Is honesty still the best policy? Do policies matter when you’re a pirate? Izzy would rather debate that over this.
‘Just be honest. For once in your life.’
“I..was embarrassed.” Izzy confesses, feeling ashamed to admit something so simple.
“About what?”
“Fuckin’–all of it! I’m embarrassed about all of this. Everything.” Izzy spits out, growing intensely frustrated for just a second.
Lucius stares at him for a second, and Izzy grows even more uncomfortable not being able to tell how Lucius is feeling or what he’s thinking. He appreciates Lucius initiating the conversation, but he was hoping it would make it easier. It hasn’t.
“Why are you embarrassed about it all?”
It’s now Izzy’s turn to stare. Which he does, exasperated. Why is he embarrassed about it? Is Lucius really stuck trying to figure out why someone would be embarrassed over something like this?
“Because it’s weird!” He answers, and he regrets it right after. ‘Very profound answer.’ “Because this isn’t a normal thing that happens. I don’t even know why it happens. And I don’t know why it has to happen to me.”
“From what I’ve seen, it likes to happen after or during stressful situations. So maybe it’s because of like–the culmination of years and years of stress.”
Lucius gives a small smile afterwards, proud of himself for sounding so smart and serious but knowing that now’s not the time to really acknowledge it.
Izzy wants to say that he’s impressed, but he already understood half of that. Though, the whole culmination thing does make a bit of sense. He might even say that’s what it is. How can Lucius just figure something out like that, five minutes into a conversation?
“I really don’t think you have much to be embarrassed about Izzy. Everyone copes in different ways.”
“Not like this. Not me.”
“Why not? You’ve said that before, why aren’t you allowed to cope or be open with your feelings?” Lucius questions.
Izzy has to stop for a second and think. Is there a reason that he thinks Lucius will agree with him on? No. So what’s the point in trying to lie? If he starts lying now, he’ll never be able to stop.
“Because mine don’t matter.” He blurts out, unable to stop himself. “My feelings haven’t mattered since before I can remember. I have so many other things to focus on than how I’m feeling.”
Lucius wants to say that he’s shocked, even just a little bit, but he can’t. He’s heard that from Izzy already. Still, he can’t pretend that it hurts his heart any less hearing it again.
“And, I’ve had ways to cope. Normal ways. I drink, I yell, I used to get into fights. This just isn’t—for me.”
Izzy stops looking towards Lucius. Instead casting his gaze to his lone pillow, which holds the silly drawing Lucius had done for him under it. He had been so close to simply tossing it over the side of the ship so many times, but was always unable to.
“Because it’s not negatively affecting you? Because you don’t like feeling vulnerable?”
“Yes.” He concedes, turning towards Lucius and locking eyes with him again.
That’s it, isn’t it? They’ve solved the case? The scribe’s gotten him to talk about what he didn’t want to talk about.
Lucius has won.
Now what happens? Does Lucius just start laughing and insulting him now? Will he run out of the room and tell everyone? Would Izzy at least be given a chance to throw himself overboard before it happens?
Izzy begins to prepare for the worst, not sure where Lucius will start.
He isn’t prepared for the way Lucius takes one of his hands and holds it between his, like he’s done so many times before. He isn’t prepared for the soft look that accompanies the gesture. And he certainly isn’t prepared for Lucius’ response.
“Being afraid of being vulnerable doesn’t make you weak, Izzy. Being afraid doesn’t make you any less the man you are. You’re Izzy Hands, a person with feelings. A person who’s allowed to be afraid. A person who’s allowed to be—a person!”
He wants to say that he’s not afraid. He wants to make Lucius believe that..but he is afraid. He’s so afraid, and it scares him. It really does. He doesn’t know how to deal with these feelings and emotions. He was never taught how to. But he wants to. Deep down he knows he does.
“I need help.” He admits. “I want to get better about all of this. I want to, at least, not hate that this is happening anymore.”
“I’m here to help.” Lucius assures, giving the first mate a kind smile. “I’m here because I wanna be. I wanna be your friend Izzy.”
Izzy felt so close to a smile. If smiles were more natural to him, he’d certainly have one on his face right now. Maybe talking things through could be him. Maybe he could come to like talking about his feelings. Maybe. Only time could tell now.
“I think I’d like that.”
There’s another comfortable silence that washes over the two of them for a few minutes. Both men happy and content with how their talk went. Happy to have finally gotten it over with.
“Since we’re friends now,” Lucius breaks the silence this time, wanting to get rid of the far too serious mood. “can I give you a hug?”
“Not a chance.”