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Stede watched with approval as the finishing touches were put on the decoy name plates: Alma . “Those ought to keep us out of trouble while we’re in the merchant port. Let the paint dry then hang them up, men. Although, if you wanted to add a floral border first I’d love to see what you all come up with.” He quickly walked away before becoming embroiled in an argument over the merits of Scottish thistles over Swedish bluebells.
Ed was in their quarters, arms crossed, looking in consternation at their stripped mattress.
“Where are we meant to sleep while we’re getting this new bed built?” asked Ed. “Are we gonna put the mattress on the floor?”
Stede warmed with the anticipation of finally sharing a gift. “I’ve organised something a little special while we’re in port.”
“A little special? That’s not like you.”
“Alright, I’ve been working for six weeks to arrange something very special for our time in port. Do you know… what tomorrow is?”
“Pfft. Course.” Ed snaked an arm around Stede and squeezed his arse. “One year since I finally managed to bring you up to scratch and get you into bed.”
Stede beamed. “You remember.”
“Sunrise seven twenty-one, sunset five thirty-two. Waning gibbous moon. Average wind speed sixteen knots, heavy rain starting five fifty-five in the evening.”
“Now I feel stupid thinking you wouldn’t know the date.”
Ed chuckled. “So, what do people do when they’ve managed to stay together for an entire year? It seems like kind of a big deal.”
“For an anniversary. Mary and I would always give each other a gift, which was never quite what the other person wanted. But then we didn’t really like being married to each other.”
They both looked over at the lighthouse painting. “How many years of discomfort did that commemorate?”
Stede sighed. “Nine.”
“Fuck, that’s a long time.”
“And to think, all I had to do to make it last the rest of my life was not become a pirate.”
“Kinda the opposite now, ey? So what’s this very special arrangement you’ve made? You’d better tell me what you expect me to do so I don’t mess things up.”
Stede kissed his cheek. “There’s no messing things up. You just have to come along. I’ve been reading the travel advertisements when I’ve been able to get my hands on a newspaper, and writing to taverns popular with wealthy travellers. After several enquiries I found the perfect place. Large, comfortable rooms. A well-regarded dining room and an excellent cellar. Away from the port, so we won’t cross paths with any naval men who might recognise us. And willing to accommodate a couple wealthy merchant captains as long as we don’t draw attention to ourselves.”
Ed’s eyes crinkled at the corners. “What does that mean?”
“We’re going to have to dress the part. That means frock coats and breeches for a few days, and no visible weapons.”
“Keep a jacket on over my weapons. Guess I can do that.”
Stede’s eyes glittered. “I’ll need to do your hair every day. Perhaps a braid for daytime and pulled up on top for evenings.”
“For the dining and pageantry.”
“Well, what do you think?
Ed’s mouth quirked up at one side. “A few days of getting dressed up, having fancy hair, and pretending to be gentlemen. Do we get to use fake names?”
“I already used one for making enquiries and placing a reservation. I dashed off my initial letters in a hurry so I just used the first name that came to mind. I’ll be Sir Godfrey Thornrose.”
“I guess that makes me Jeff the Accountant. At your service, Sir Godfrey.” Ed performed something between a curtsey and a fencing parry.
“I’m honoured, Mister…”
“I’ll think of a last name when we get there. Sounds like we’ve got outfits to choose.”
“Let me show you what I have in mind for you. I’ve made a shortlist of eighteen options so you’ll probably need to leave a few behind.”
"Ed, look at that!" Stede hissed.
Ed looked around the dock. A few sailors looking worse for wear, and seagulls pecking at a bucket of fish guts. "I don't see whatever you're seeing."
"That sailor," said Stede, sounding like he had run a mile. "The one in the vest."
Ed looked the man up and down. "Yeah? Wouldn't have thought he's your type."
"Look at his chest."
Ed looked again. "So? I've got those."
"The rings." Stede's voice was tight.
"Yeah, so what? I've got rings like that."
"Stop pretending just to get a rise out of me."
Ed shrugged. "I don't have them on me, obviously. Haven't worn them in years. Those look cheap. Mine are gold. Bigger too."
Only someone very familiar with Stede's noises would notice the squeak he made.
Ed stopped and looked at him, and laughed. "You're going to have to tell me what you're thinking coz I've never seen a face like that. Are you angry with me?"
Stede's face changed through a variety of shades of red and purple before he spoke again. "Being able to put rings on your nipples seems like one of the first things you should tell people about yourself."
"You're actually mad at me, aren't you? The first hour of our special anniversary and you're mad because I didn't tell you a year ago that when I was young and wild I got rings put in my nipples." He put a hand between Stede's shoulder blades and gently pushed him to keep walking. "You've gotta stop staring at that sailor or he's gonna come over here and offer to fuck you for money."
That seemed to shake Stede out of his mood. "No thank you."
"Glad to see that it takes more than nipple rings for you to proposition a flea-ridden sailor."
Ed guided him to a waiting hack and reminded Stede that he was the only one who knew where they were going.
Settled inside facing each other, wheels rolling, Ed couldn't help grinning at Stede's glum face. "Go on, ask whatever's bothering you."
"I don't know what to ask first."
"Don't have to ask in order."
Stede pursed his lips, then asked, “Do you mean you still have the actual rings? Or just that you can still, I don’t know what, put rings on?”
“I’ve still got them somewhere in my trunk. Haven’t seen them since the last time I wore them - which was a long time ago - but they’ll be in there somewhere.”
“And you can still put them on?”
“Dunno… probably?” Ed guessed. “I didn’t wear them very often at the end but I was still able to put them in.”
“In. Not on. So not like the screw-back earrings Mary wore.”
“Nope. Piercings, not clamps.”
Stede’s eyebrows lifted then lowered. “I feel like that raised more questions than it answered. How old were you? And did you wear them all the time or just sometimes? And why?”
“When I was about twenty. I wore them all the time at first but, ah, they attract a lot of attention.” Ed grinned. “And why, is to get attention.”
"Attention?"
Ed kicked against Stede’s foot. "Fucking."
Ed saw Stede’s eyes flick down to his chest. "I can see how those things go together."
"I was paying some attention to this sailor who had them, and he took me to the bloke who did it for him. A lot faster than a tattoo but don't know how I got through the second one. And then they're just there, and people can still see them through your shirt. Which is fun for a while but sometimes you want to talk about something other than your nips. And then, people offer you money to fuck."
"They do? They did? Did you?"
"Only if I was gonna fuck them anyway. Then I made up a good fuckery. When I realised someone I'd just fucked was about to pay me, I'd pull my money out and try to pay them instead." He chortled. "Got a few split lips that way. Made a few good friends too. Well, maybe not 'friends'..."
"And all these encounters came from having rings through your nipples?"
Ed frowned scoldingly. "Come on. I like to think I have more charms than that."
"Your hair, for certain."
"Absolutely my hair."
"The leather."
"And to think, you've decided to celebrate our one year anniversary by braiding my hair back and dressing me in a suit."
"No nipple rings, either."
"Nope. You've just got my sunny personality."
"And apparently a lot of stories I haven't heard yet."
Ed shook his head. “It always amazes me that you want to hear this shit.”
Stede seemed to get over the last of his mood and switched seats to squeeze in at Ed’s side. “Oh, but I do. Listening to these stories is like meeting a character from an erotic novel. I get to hear all about the Bawdy Adventures of Young Ed, and then I get to fuck you myself. You provide excellent value.”
“So that’s what got us through this year,” Ed said with a smirk.
"So, these rings…” Stede said, obviously not willing to let the subject go. “You were able to take them out and just put them in when you did want attention?"
"If I was trying to impress someone."
A look of disappointment flickered across Stede’s face. "You haven't put them in to impress me."
"I didn't realise you were so impressionable,” Ed said soothingly. “I might have thought of it if you'd held out on me any longer. 'Help me with my shirt, it's caught on my nipple rings.'"
"It sounds like I actually missed out by giving in."
"You saw your first nipple ring fifteen minutes ago and now you're obsessed."
"Would you put them in? Just so I can see?"
Ed said jokingly, "I will put in my nipple rings if I can give you another tattoo."
"Yes. Deal."
He sat back against the wall of the hack and raised an eyebrow. "Two tattoos. One for each ring."
"Does it really hurt that much to put them in? I suppose I could..."
"Fucken hell, I thought I'd call your bluff with that one. If it really means that much to you I'll have a look for them when we get back to the ship. For one tattoo."
The tavern was high on the hill, the cobblestone road there winding back and forth to make the ascent manageable for horses. It looked new, and attractive with pots of flowers by the entryway and white plastered walls. Stede tipped his head back to admire its height, four rows of windows reaching up to a tiled roof.
“Never seen a tavern like this,” Ed said. “This might actually be worth wearing these stupid fucken shoes for.”
“We’re on our best behaviour, Ed,” said Stede. “That means shoes. Let’s go in and get established while our trunks are being unloaded.”
“Can’t believe you packed three trunks for a two night vacation,” he heard Ed mutter. Stede looked at him and Ed smiled charmingly. “I’m looking forward to you dressing me in five different outfits every day.”
Stede brushed off Ed’s lapel. “Ready, Jeff?”
“Ready, Sir Godfrey.”
Stede led the way into the tavern, which was as spick and span inside as out. An equally neat man emerged from a door to the right and bowed his head briefly. “Welcome, welcome! Sir Godfrey Thornrose, I presume?”
Stede nodded in return. “Mister Budd, the landlord?”
“Yessir, well met. And your business partner, Mister…?”
“Jeff, the accountant,” Ed said, glancing at Stede.
“Mister…” prompted Stede.
“Teach?”
“Mister Teach, the accountant. I thought you were merchant captains?” The landlord looked between them uncertainly.
“I am in charge of the accounting,” said Ed. “Money and numbers and sh… shtuff. Trade deals and so on.”
“And I do the actual captaincy,” said Stede with a reassuring smile. “I was knighted for my outstanding seamanship.”
“Congratulations, Sir Godfrey, I’m sure you must have many an interesting tale of the sea. Now, I’m sure you are accustomed to the best rooms in a tavern being on the lower floors, but our point of difference is providing an equal quality room on the top floor, for our guests who don’t wish to draw attention. It’s popular with… business partners.”
“Discreet and civilised, that’s us,” said Ed.
“Very professional gentlemen of business,” agreed Stede. “As long as it’s the best.”
The landlord raised his hands. “I assure you all our rooms are of the highest quality. I’ll call a footman to show you to your accommodations. Your trunks will be brought up shortly. Also, we can provide breakfast delivered to your room each morning if you like.”
“Yes, we will avail ourselves of that service,” said Stede.
“Very good, Sir Godfrey. We offer sausage, kedgeree -”
“Just send up two of everything,” said Ed.
“Very good, Mister Teach. Two of everything.”
“Look at this fucken bed! I’ve never seen one so big.” Ed flopped onto the generously-sized bed, spreading out his limbs and barely touching the sides.
“Oh, that’s perfect,” said Stede. “Exactly what I was hoping for. I tried not to get my hopes up even though the response to my inquiry was that the beds were very large. Is this our first bed apart from our own?”
“You’re forgetting that Royal Navy frigate, when we fucked in the admiral’s bed while the crew were on deck hanging him by the ankles from the yardarm.”
Stede chuckled. “You’re right, I’d forgotten that. Funny what becomes run of the mill in the context of a whole year. This is our first time sleeping in a different bed though.”
“Our new bed isn’t going to be this big, is it?”
‘I’m afraid not. Only two feet wider. The difference between a bed built for a captain and a small wife, and a bed built for two full-sized captains.”
“Just as well. I’m gonna have trouble finding you in a bed this huge.”
Stede considered the bed. “I’m used to sleeping against the wall. I don’t know if I’ll sleep well without knowing there’s a wall to keep me from rolling out. Do you think we could pull one of the dressers over and put it against the bed?”
“The bed’s so wide, I reckon we could sleep on it sideways. You can sleep against the head board.”
“Perfect! I’ll tell the footman to send up a maid to remake the bed.”
Stede stepped out onto the cobblestone street and hooked his arm through Ed’s.
Ed straightened his posture and they started their descent down the hill. “So what’s first for a pair of civilised merchant captains? I know you’ll have a long list of activities for our vacation.”
“The first step in being civilised is a proper shave. I’ve been looking forward to this. The landlord said the best barber is a few streets away.”
“Shave? I’m not losing the beard as well as the leather and the hair, am I?”
“Not at all,” Stede reassured him. “Just neaten you up and hydrate your skin. A proper hot towel shave is the most relaxing way to start the day.”
“What’s wrong with the way I shave you?”
“Nothing at all, Ed, but we’re treating ourselves. First of all, the barber will tilt your chair back so you're almost lying down. Then they’ll put hot towels on your neck and face. Then when your skin’s all warm and soft they’ll lather you up and shave you. It gives an excellent close shave and the softest skin. This looks like the place, and they have two chairs free.”
Stede held the door open for Ed and followed him in. A barber greeted them and showed them to the vacant chairs. A second barber attended to Ed, and their chairs were levered back to a reclining position.
“Just close your eyes and relax,” Stede told Ed. “This is one of my favourite things.”
“Your list of favourite things is questionable,” said Ed.
“Top of that list is you,” replied Stede, before both their lower faces were covered with steaming hot towels.
As the minutes ticked by Stede hoped Ed wasn’t too bored. Sitting still without someone to entertain him was not one of Ed’s favourite things. He turned his head to look Ed’s way at the same moment Ed looked over at him. Stede raised an eyebrow. Ed gave him a reassuring wink.
The barbers returned and Stede’s skin tingled at the sensation of the hot towels being removed. Then the barber draped a fresh towel over his whole face, patted his cheeks lightly, and lifted it off.
Stede sighed with satisfaction. He looked over to see how Ed was enjoying it. Ed’s face disappeared under a towel, then his barber pressed down firmly over his cheeks.
Three things happened at once. Stede shouted No and leaped from his chair. Ed grabbed the barber’s wrists and twisted them upward, sat upright and grabbed the barber by the throat. The barber wailed.
Stede clasped Ed’s arm firmly. “Ed, you’re safe. You ,” he turned on the barber, “What makes you think you can press your hands over his face without asking him first?”
“S’alright,” Ed said raggedly, releasing the barber’s neck. “Sorry. Just surprised me.”
“You have nothing to apologise for. This amateur, incompetent …” he glared at the shaking barber.
“Sir, sirs, I am sorry. That was careless of me,” the barber fumbled, rubbing at his neck.
“I’m okay, Stede. Is anything else like that gonna happen?”
“I thought I’d told you all the steps but it’s a while since I’ve done this. The barber will use a brush to put the lather on your cheeks and neck, then the shave, then use a towel to clean up. But he’s not going to put it over your face - will you? ”
The barber shook his head rapidly. “I will be very careful.”
“What do you think, Ed? We can leave if you prefer.”
“No. We’re going to have our civilised shave and no-one’s going to get hurt.”
Stede glared at Ed’s barber a final time and returned to his chair. His own barber approached silently with the soap dish and shaving brush and started lathering Stede’s cheeks. All sense of relaxation evaporated, Stede flicked his eyes over at Ed’s barber every time the brush was lifted from his face. The man seemed to be chewing his lip a lot and standing as far back as possible while still touching Ed’s face with the brush. Amateur .
“Please hold still, sir,” Stede’s barber murmured, showing him the razor. Stede nodded curtly.
The barber had just finished his left sideburn when Stede heard Ed say, “You’d better stop shaking if you think you’re coming near me with that razor.”
Stede brushed his barber away and sat up. Ed was staring down his barber, who was cowering near the mirror, razor nearly vibrating in his hand.
“For fuck’s sake,” Stede cursed. He climbed out of his chair again, strode over to the cowardly barber and snatched the razor from his hand. “Leave,” he growled.
The barber scampered and Stede turned to Ed, who looked at him for a moment then lay back on his chair. Stede gently tilted Ed’s chin back with his thumb and started to slowly glide the straight razor through the lather on his neck.
“Where should the line be?” Stede asked his barber, who stood behind him deferentially. The barber indicated a broader curve, and nodded when Stede carefully followed his direction.
Then he used the end of the razor to shave each cheek, leaving a sharply defined edge to his moustache and beard. He felt Ed’s steady, relaxed breath against his hand, and stroked his temple to let him know that part was finished.
Stede’s barber wordlessly took the razor and handed Stede a towel to clean up the remaining lather. Next he took two bottles from the shelf, sniffed both, and shook a few drops from one onto his fingers. He gently stroked them over Ed’s cheeks and neck, the scent of sandalwood warming under his fingers. “All done. I hope that was alright.”
Ed squeezed Stede’s leg and opened his eyes. “You’ve got dried lather all over your face.”
Stede turned and looked in the mirror with surprise. “So I do.” He looked over at his barber. “You’ll need to start over.”
Ed pulled himself upright in his chair, and Stede’s barber stepped over to adjust the back to its upright position. “Looks like you got the professional.”
“If you want to leave I can come find you afterward,” Stede said as the barber eased his chair back.
“I’ll stay and watch. Might learn something. Make sure he keeps his hand steady.”
Stede saw only the merest flicker of fear in the barber’s eyes before he started wiping off the dried lather.
After placing an order for shirts and selecting new bed linens at the draper, they spent a pleasant two hours sampling every vintage and spirit at the liquor merchant. The next store they encountered was a bookseller.
Ed turned to ask Stede if he wanted to stop in, then discovered Stede was already inside, fondling three books at once. He followed him in and evaluated how long he could spend looking at the fanciful maps on the wall, against the length of time Stede would stay engrossed in the eight books he was now holding.
He’d critique each map twice then tell Stede he’d be back for him in an hour. He could probably leave for two and Stede wouldn’t notice.
After rating each decorative mermaid on the maps and mentally crowning the queen, Ed huffed and scanned the bookseller for other entertainments. All that was visible of Stede was a pair of elbows on a desk, the rest of him concealed by a tower of books.
Between rows of shelves he spied two men dressed like Stede in long coats, breeches and stockings. Ed looked down and realised he was dressed like Stede too, for a few days. The men were holding a book together, heads bent, nearly touching. One looked up at the other, saying something indecipherable. The other brushed his fingers against those of his companion.
They look like they know what a pair of civilised gentlemen can get up to in a town like this, Ed thought. Could be his chance to arrange something special for their anniversary.
Ed casually made his way to the aisle, definitely comporting himself like a civilised gentleman and not about to terrify a pair of toffs. He stopped as if to examine the spines of some books. From his peripheral vision he noticed the men glance at him. One whispered to the other and received a nudge in return.
This was going to be very civilised. He was going to be fucken sophisticated and charming and no-one was going to get hurt.
“Good afternoon,” one of the toffs said with a hint of a smile.
“Well met,” said Ed. “I wonder if you gentlemen could provide some information.”
The other toff smiled a little more. “We’d be happy to try. You can find all kinds of things at this bookseller.”
“Are there any establishments in this borough where men can go for a civilised drink with other like-minded men?”
“The Green Carnation,” said the first toff.
“Yes, the Green Carnation is the place you’re looking for. Full of like-minded men.”
“And where might I find the Green Carnation? Will it be lively this evening?”
“It’s just one street back from here. Quite a few patrons of this bookstore also patronise the Green Carnation.”
“And it’ll be very lively this evening. We’ll be there around nine o’clock, if… you care to join us.”
“Might do,” said Ed, giving the toff a wink. “Thanks for the invitation, lads.”
Ed thought he heard a pair of sighs as he left them to find Stede.
“Ed, I’ve found the most fascinating books to add to my collection,” Stede greeted him with bright eyes.
“And I’ve found somewhere for us to go tonight. Don't want to spend our vacation closed away in our room just the same as at home. Those two toffs there -” Ed thumbed at the young men who were still looking his way with parted lips, “- invited us out for a drink.”
Stede leaned back in his chair to eye the toffs, sat forward again and frowned. “Invited us, or invited you?”
“I’m pretty sure us. Definitely made it clear I’m with you.”
“Ed, I think you just made yourself an assignation on our anniversary vacation.”
Ed looked back at the toffs. One of them gave him a little wave.
“Oh Ed. You’re not even trying and you have young men falling at your feet.”
“Told you I had charms.”
“Forget them. Look at the engravings in this very curious book. I found a whole shelf on a similar theme. Shall I buy them all?”
Ed looked at the illustration and his eyebrows raised of their own accord. “Fuck me. A whole shelf like this? Yep, buy the lot.”
Stede ran his hands down the sleeves of Ed’s jacket a final time and stepped back to examine his work. “There. Hmm.”
“What’s wrong?” Ed asked. “Was black the wrong choice?”
“No… The black jacquard is exquisite on you. Especially with the black shirt and stockings. It’s just…”
“Does my hair look stupid?”
“Not all all,” Stede breathed admiringly. “It’s just that we’re not meant to draw attention to ourselves. And, I’m afraid, you look devastating. I’ve never seen a man look so dangerous in a frock coat.”
“Ah, shut up,” said Ed. He turned and looked at himself in the mirror. “Wait, no, you’re right.” He looked back at Stede uncertainly. “Should I change?”
“Don’t you dare. I’ll just have to settle for being eclipsed by you for the evening.”
“You look good too,” Ed said. He took Stede’s hand and kissed it, then turned it over and kissed his palm.
“Alright, stop it, we’ve just finished getting dressed.” Stede reluctantly pulled his hand away. “Let’s go enjoy our first civilised dinner in a very long time. The advertisement in the newspaper said they can recommend a different wine for every dish on the menu. And then if you insist we can go keep your assignation. But I’m not sharing you.”
"I only have hands for you, kahurangi."
Mister Budd showed Stede (“Sir Godfrey, this way.”) and Ed (“Mister Teach, kindly follow me.”) to a table in the bachelors dining room.
“My seat’s in the wrong place,” said Ed stonily. “Move it here.” He pointed at the empty space at Stede’s left.
“I’m afraid there isn’t enough room to seat you on that side of the table,” the landlord said in a conciliatory tone. “You will need to sit opposite your friend.”
“Then can you move my seat there?” Stede asked, pointing to the empty space at what would be Ed’s left.
“Sir Godfrey, there isn’t enough room.” The landlord’s voice was becoming strained.
Ed raised an eyebrow at Stede.
“Very well,” said Stede imperiously. “We will sit at this undersized table this evening. But we expect to be better accommodated tomorrow.”
“Something more civilised,” Ed added haughtily.
“The best,” said Stede.
The landlord smiled thinly as Ed pushed in Stede’s chair for him. “Would you like to see the wine list, gentlemen?”
“What’s your most expensive wine?” Stede asked.
“We have a rare Le Vin de Rosier,” said the landlord. “It is exceptional.”
“Bring a bottle of that. Ed, what about you?”
“I’ll have one too.”
“Two bottles of Le Vin de Rosier to get us started.”
Ed topped off Stede’s wine glass and stabbed his steak bone with his knife.
“Okay, here’s one I haven’t told you. There was this one time when I went wandering beyond the port, looking for a bit of variety. Crossed paths with these two women, wives of officers away at sea or something, who’d strayed down near the port looking for, well, something approximating me I guess. So we went back to one of their houses and phwoar, I showed them a good fucken time. When I was getting my gear back on I noticed they were counting out money. So I did the old fuckery, pulled my money out and asked them how much. And the slags fucken took my money!”
“They let you pay them for fucking them?!”
“Fucken oath they did! So on the way out I nicked this weird brass doohickey from the front hall. Took it to a pawn shop and got my money back.”
Stede thumped the table and roared with laughter. Ed grinned wildly and downed his drink.
Stede rested an elbow on the table and pointed a waving finger at him. “I’d pay you to fuck me.”
“Gentlemen. Sir Godfrey, Mister Teach.”
Stede looked up woozily and saw the landlord standing over their table. “That’s Sir Jeff. He was knighted, today. F’services to the crown. In accounting.”
“I’m sure congratulations are in order, but I must insist -”
“Yep, went up to the governor’s mansion,” Ed told the landlord. “There’s a ceremony and everything. Got a knighthood for accounting, and getting the governor off.”
“He doesn’t mean getting him off for tax evasion,” Stede said.
“ Sirs. I asked you to please, please consider the other guests. Your conversation is carrying all the way to the family dining room.”
Stede and Ed looked around the bachelors dining room at all the faces gawping back at them.
“Well, if you’d moved my chair I wouldn’t have to speak so loudly for Sir Godfrey to hear my delightful anecdotes." Ed pushed his chair back and slowly stood. "I think it is time for us to grace some other establishment with our custom. Come, Sir Godfrey.”
Stede took his outstretched hand and pulled himself out of this chair. “I’ll come anywhere you tell me, Sir Jeff.”
“Thank you, gentlemen, and I beg of you, discretion .”
“Come on mate, you can do it. The one problem with choosing a place on top of the hill, ey? Haha, no, we’re not going down that alley. Great big bed in our room, remember? Not that you’re going to be much good to me by the time we get there. Didn't have to down fucken every drink those toffs sent over. Or wave that broken bottle in their faces."
"Tried t' touch m' pirate."
"Got us barred, didn't you? How ’bout you have a little spew in these bushes, better out here than in our fancy room in twenty minutes. Feeling better now? Tavern’s just ahead, we’ll get you cleaned up and then I’ll let you kiss me, you sloppy drunk.”
“Civilised gennelmen.”
“Yep, which means I’ll take your shoes off after you pass out on the bed. We’ve made it up the hill but I forgot the three fucken flights of stairs. Not easy being civilised is it?”
Stede did something kind of like waking up, but it was more that he just wasn’t asleep any more. There was a door closing and daylight and Ed’s footsteps moving between thick rugs and floorboards.
“Did you go somewhere?” Stede said half into his pillow.
“I’ve been out for two hours. Figured I’d go check everything’s okay on the ship. I got the footman to write you a note in case you came round before I got back." Stede heard Ed’s boots coming off.
"Erf."
"I can report that only half the crew have buggered off looking for a good time, and the rest have managed to keep the deck above the waterline and looters out of the hold. Old bed's been smashed to smithereens and the carpenter's already got the new frame together. How’s your head?”
“Buggered.”
“That’s not how the joke goes.”
Stede forced an eye open. Ed was stripping off his clothes and throwing them over a chair. “That’s what I like to wake up to.”
“Thought I’d get back in bed, seeing as you’ve been keeping it warm for me.”
“Need water,” Stede moaned.
Now fully nude, Ed crossed the room to the pitcher of water and glasses placed on a small table near the door. Right as he got there the door opened, revealing a young footman with a large tray of covered dishes, followed rapidly by his jaw dropping open.
“Brekky!” said Ed. “Just put it on the table. Hang on, let me grab my knife out of the way. Careless. Don’t know why I’ve got such a massive dagger when I’m a gentleman merchant.”
Stede covered his snigger with a hand as the dazed footman followed nude Ed into the room. Ed swept the weaponry and discarded cravat off the table and watched with hands on hips as the footman fumbled through setting up their two-of-everything breakfast.
“What about tea?” Ed asked.
The footman seemed to be struggling to make eye contact with Ed. “I have to go back for it, the tray was full.”
“I’ll leave the door unlocked for ya,” Ed said, clapping him on the shoulder.
The footman tumbled back out of the room, pulling the door closed behind him.
“Where were we?” said Ed, putting Stede’s glass of water on a side table and climbing under the blankets.
“I think you just gave that young man a formative sexual experience,” replied Stede. “I really need that glass of water.”
Ed reached for it and carefully handed it to Stede. “If he takes a few more minutes to come back with the tea he’s going to have another one.”
“I doubt he even noticed I was here.”
“He’s going to notice this time.” Ed discarded the empty glass and pulled Stede on top of him.
“My turn,” Ed announced after a late luncheon.
“You had a turn this morning.”
“No, I mean my turn for a planned activity. Come out on the balcony.”
Stede followed Ed out through the French doors to the tiny balcony, barely large enough for both of them to stand. Ed closed one of the two doors and tapped the trellis against the wall. “Climb up. I’ll guide you to get over the guttering. It’ll hold your weight, I checked it out this morning.”
Stede looked up to the guttering. “It’s quite high.”
“Come on, you're up and down the rigging in a blink these days.”
“But we’re already on the top floor.”
“Trust me, I’ll tell you where to put your feet.”
Stede held the trellis and tested the integrity with a foot. It seemed sturdy, so he started climbing. It was easy until he reached the gutter and had to find hand holds on the pitched roof tiles.
“That’s the way, get a knee over. Yep, boost yourself over… good work. Now lie on your belly and reach back down here, I’m going to pass some stuff up to you.”
Ed disappeared back into the room and Stede tentatively lay down on the roof, feet toward the peak and shoulders back over the gutter.
Ed reappeared quickly and held a basket above his head. Stede grabbed the handle and found it harder to wriggle around to lift the basket onto the roof while lying on his stomach, than it had been to get himself over the gutter. Once he secured the basket and moved further up the roof Ed followed quickly.
“Follow me,” Ed said, walking in a crouch across the roof. On the far side next to a row of chimney pots, a large patch of tiles was shaded by a church further up the hill. Ed retrieved a rolled blanket from behind the chimney pots and spread it out in the shade. “Make yourself comfortable.”
Stede sat on the blanket and shifted around until he rested back on his elbows with his feet braced against the pitch of the roof. Ed arranged himself next to him with the basket on his other side.
“Don’t look at me, look out at the view.”
Stede looked out. His breath hitched as he saw the entire town spread out below them, funnelled between two hills down to the docks. The sea stretched out further than he could see from this elevation, meeting the sky in a haze rather than the distinct line he was accustomed to from the deck of the Revenge .
“Well that’s rather marvellous,” Stede said after taking it all in.
“Thought you might like it.”
For a few minutes they looked out at the view, companionably silent. Ed reached into the basket and pulled out two flasks. “Tea,” he explained, “only way I could think of to bring it up here.”
Stede uncorked his flask, sipped and gagged. “This one’s yours. It’s dissolved sugar.”
“Yours tastes like sulphur. Lucky I’ve got something else to get rid of the taste.” He passed Stede a paper packet. “Found some bhang when I went to check on the ship this morning.”
“Found, or specifically went looking for?”
“Specifically went looking for and then found.” Ed slowly set about cleaning his pipe, then started shredding bhang and tobacco in a bowl.
“Not too strong.”
“Trust me. I know how to make a gentleman’s blend.”
Ed lit the pipe and took a few puffs to get it smouldering. “There you go, very mild.”
They passed the pipe back and forth, watching movement at the distant port and finding shapes in clouds. When Stede started to feel dizzy he laid back with his head resting against interlaced fingers. “What were you like when you were twenty?”
Ed was repacking the pipe with much more bhang this time. “A fucken nightmare. Just think of when Calico Jack was around, but with a twenty year old’s stamina.”
“And rings in your nipples.” Stede fell to a faraway look. “I can imagine why you got everyone’s attention.”
“You wouldn’t have liked me.”
“I might have.”
“And you were a little kid at the time.”
“But if I was twenty as well.”
“What were you like?”
Stede smiled in reflection. “A dreamer. Imagining falling in love one day, without ever having seen someone to fall in love with. Head in a book. Yearning for everything I read but couldn’t have." A vague recollection came to him. "You know, I think I read your name in a book for the first time when I was twenty.”
Ed looked back at him and winked. “You must have been cute. I would have noticed you.”
“You think so? You could have saved me from an arranged marriage.”
“Saved? Nah. I could have ruined you for your arranged marriage. I reckon we met at the only right time. You were on your way up and I was on my way down. Caught hold each other at exactly the right moment.”
Stede turned his head to look at Ed’s back, covered by the wrinkling linen of his shirt. Dependable. The best person he’d ever met. “You’ll catch hold of me if I start sliding off the roof, won’t you?”
“I swear, kahurangi, on the hull of our ship.”
Stede stroked his back. After a pause he said softly, “In the depth of the fragrant night, I listened with ravished soul to your beloved voice. Your heart understood mine.”
Ed turned his head and rested his chin on his forearm. “What was that?”
“A line from an opera. It makes me think of you. I’m feeling sentimental, whether you like it or not.”
“Go on, you sentimental bastard. Say some more.”
Stede searched the clouds. “I can’t remember anything else. I’m high, thank you.”
“Like you can’t make something up.”
“I need some inspiration first. Give me your hand.”
Ed took another puff on his pipe, then put it next to the basket and stretched out on his side. Stede took the offered hand in his. He stroked the inked star and threaded his fingers through Ed’s. He tilted their hands back and forth to compare which fingers were adorned with rings. Gently he traced the lines on Ed's palm, and then the blue veins of his wrist.
“This is an unworthy poem for your wrist. Are you ready? It won’t be very good.”
Ed smiled fondly. “I shiver with anticipation.”
Stede took another moment to gather his thoughts.
“Tender strength in mellow care,
I bind you with my breath.
Captor and liberty in blood and ink and skin...
A whispered touch in twilight stars and sheets.
When my lips find your pulse my heart finds its peace.
My steadfast and my sanctuary.”
After a long silence Stede said, “That’s all I’ve got. I’ve run out.”
“You didn't just make that up.”
“I told you, I’m high. Full of nonsense and sentiment.” He kissed Ed’s wrist then rested his hand over his own chest, still holding it in his own.
“Say it again, then.”
“I can’t. It’s gone.”
“I’ll repeat it for you when you’re not high and you can write it down.” Ed pressed his fingers against Stede’s chest then pulled his hand away, lying on his back next to him, both looking up at the clouds.
A while later Stede said, “This is my favourite part of the anniversary so far.”
“Not to diminish any of the outstanding effort and planning you put into everything, but mine too.”
Later still, Stede felt a deeper shadow fall over his face. He opened one eye and saw Ed’s hand above him.
“This wrist wants a poem too. It feels neglected.”
“Oh wrist,
You’re on my list
Of very favourite things.”
A minute later. “Stede.”
“Hmph.”
“Now my belly button wants a poem.”
Stede sighed deeply. “I’m going to be rhyming navel with naval, and I don’t want any complaints.”
On their way into the bachelors dining room Mister Budd stepped forward to halt their progress.
“Sir Jeff, Sir Godfrey. I have taken the liberty of reserving a private dining room for your use tonight.”
“No need for that, mate. We’re happy in the main dining room.”
“I must insist. I feel you, and the rest of the diners, will be much more comfortable with this arrangement.”
“Is the private dining room the best?” Stede asked.
“It’s… very good. I cancelled an existing reservation so you could have it. And I’ll provide a bottle of our best wine, with my compliments. But please, follow me to the private dining room.”
“Looks like we’ll be dining in the private room this evening,” Ed said loudly enough for the rest of the bachelors dining room to overhear. “It’s the best.” He offered his arm to Stede and they followed the landlord, chins held high.
The private dining room was adequate, and the landlord pointed out the small fireplace with two high-backed armchairs in front.
“Just like home, Ed,” Stede said. “I’m starting to miss our home comforts.”
“Move that place setting,” Ed told the landlord.
The landlord waved at a hovering waiter, who rapidly moved the eighteen pieces of cutlery, four plates and six glasses to the touching side of the other setting.
“Is there anything else we can do to make you comfortable?”
“You mentioned free wine,” said Ed.
“Of course. If there’s anything else you need please ring this bell. Don’t go wandering around looking for the waiter.”
The landlord and waiter hurried out and closed the door.
“Do you think they’re really doing us a favour?” Ed asked Stede.
“Oh, I’m sure this is an honour only reserved for their most civilised guests.”
“I’m taking these fucken shoes off,” said Ed.
Stede sprawled into an armchair and Ed took the other, putting his stockinged feet on Stede’s lap.
Ed said, “It’s been a laugh being on our best behaviour for a few days, but I reckon I’ll be more than ready to go home tomorrow.”
“I get the feeling the tavern’s ready for us to go home too.”
“We’re gonna be run out of town if we stay any longer.”
“Somehow,” said Stede, rubbing Ed’s feet, “I don’t feel I really belong on land any more.”
“Ruined you for land as well. All part of my master strategy.”
“What else are you going to do to keep me by your side?”
“Nothing. Absolutely no surprises planned.”
Stede turned up the wick of the wall sconce in their room. "Will we turn in for the night? It's a little early but I don't mind."
"Yeah, it's been a big couple days. Vacations are surprisingly hard work." Ed shrugged off his frock coat and waistcoat and hung them carefully in the wardrobe. "It'll be weird wearing my regular clothes again. These shoes can fuck off though."
Stede took his place at the wardrobe, hanging his coat next to Ed's like a friend, fronts facing together.
Ed flopped into a chair. "Night cap?"
"Why not, one more drink won't hurt."
Stede sat in the matching chair. Ed was moving in an odd way, reaching back to the brandy bottle on the shelf when turning his body would have been much simpler.
"Why are you arching your back like that? Did you strain something climbing down from the roof?"
"Nah, all good."
Stede accepted a brandy glass and took a sip. "Let's pick up a few more bottles of this on our way back home."
"Whaddyou think of this shirt?" Ed asked, smoothing his shirt front.
"Very flattering. Do you like that fabric? It felt very fine on the bolt."
Ed was still stroking his shirt front. "It feels good. Sensual. Like a whisper over my sensitive bits."
"Maybe I'll order a few more, we can collect them next time we're passing by."
"Fucken hell, Stede, I'm trying to get your attention."
"Oh? Sorry Ed, what is it?"
Ed gave him an exasperated look and waved a hand in the direction of his chest.
Stede looked at Ed’s chest for a long moment. A fine fabric shouldn’t have large slubs like that. An unusual, circular fault. Two matching faults.
His eyes widened with realisation.
"Have I got your attention now? One final surprise to finish off the anniversary."
"Can... I see?"
"Seeing is the least you can do. And you owe me a tattoo for this. That was the deal."
“Yes, I will, you can. Just…” Stede bounded up from his chair and fled to the far side of the room, pulling his fingers through his hair.
Ed asked gently, “Do you need a moment?”
Stede nodded, pacing back and forth without looking at him. He breathed in, tried to breathe out more slowly. This needed to be right. The best way to do new things was slowly, they had discovered together. He wanted to make this new for Ed too. Make it something that his Ed found special even if the old Ed hadn’t.
He wanted to make it last more than three minutes.
He was breathing steadily now. His self control was located and engaged. He had a goal and a strategy.
Stede crossed calmly back to Ed’s chair. With a tender touch he pulled the pins from Ed's hair, running his hands through it until it all hung down around his shoulders. Then he slid a knee onto the seat next to Ed’s thigh. He lowered his face to Ed’s ear and said softly, “You’re going to come undone for me, Edward. In the most beautiful way.”
Ed made a sound that meant he agreed.
Stede withdrew and circled his fingers around Ed’s wrists.
“Utterly undone.”
He lifted one wrist to his lips.
“Except for your wrists.”
He softly kissed the other wrist.
“If that’s alright with you.”
“With my shirt,” Ed urged.
“I’ll use your shirt. Thank you for the suggestion.”
Stede felt the tension melt from Ed’s shoulders down to his fingers. It was alright with him.
With trembling fingers Stede unbuttoned the top button of Ed's shirt.
Ed knocked on the doorframe of Mister Budd’s small office. “We’ll be heading off now. Stede said we might need to give you more money.”
“Stede?”
“Fucken Sir Godfrey, whatever.”
“Money. Yes. There have been several… damages noted. Tiles knocked off the roof, somehow? Would you know anything about that?”
Ed tossed a coin pouch on the landlord’s desk. “That should take care of whatever we broke. Did my best to be civilised but I’m out of practice.”
“Oh no, Sir Jeff, you’ve been a model guest.” The landlord looked Ed up and down. Ed had passed on having his hair braided back that morning, and wouldn’t budge on wearing rolled up shirtsleeves and his usual boots. Ed rubbed his upper arm, wondering if maybe this shirt wasn’t thick enough to conceal the rings still stuck through his nipples.
“But?”
“There have been some complaints about Sir Godfrey. It would be best if he did not attempt to reserve a room here again.”
Ed grinned. “He’s pretty fucken wild. Did my best to keep him in line. But you get both of us or neither of us, that’s how it works.”
The landlord stood and shook Ed’s hand. “Please, don’t come back.”
"There she is," Ed said. "Home."
Stede sighed at the bulk of the Revenge , or the Alma , at the far end of the dock. "Responsibility. So many people to think of."
"Or freedom. No-one to disapprove of our efforts to be civilised. Or if they do we can make them clean barnacles off the hull."
"As soon as we take another step our vacation has finished."
Ed pulled Stede close with an arm around his waist, and cupped his face to kiss him. Stede wrapped an arm around his back and worked his other hand into his loose hair. Around them dock workers and sailors got on with their business, paying no mind to two indiscreet co-captains.
"Hey captains, welcome back!" They broke off their kiss and Stede waved to the crew members passing them by.
Ed draped an arm over his shoulder and they took the step that signalled the end of their vacation.
Walking slowly along the dock Ed said, "Next year let's just go to my place."
"You mean that spot next to the fireplace with the handholds?"
Ed squeezed his shoulder. "Nah, my place. Where I keep all my riches and shit."
"What on earth are you talking about? What place? What shit?"
"You know, all my shit I've collected over the years. It's at my place. I've told you about my place."
"Ed, you've never, ever mentioned this."
"Now I have. I'll take you there next year."
"I have so many questions and I don't know what to ask first."
"Don't have to ask in order. Come on, you can ask while I give you that tattoo. I’ve been working on some fucken hot mermaids."
“I want your name this time.”
Ed traced an X over Stede’s heart. “It’s all yours.”