Gamma Ray

by Fish_Failure

Summary:

God, showing weakness? Even the idea was horrifying to Steve. He was the shoulder to lean on, and how would they ever lean on him if he cannot carry all of them?

-

or- Steve is refusing to reach out, until a certain metalhead vows to find out why he has been so off lately.

Chapter 1: With these icecaps melting down..

Somewhere along the line, Steve Harrington had stopped asking for help. He couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment, but he figured it was somewhere between seeing a note from his parents on the fridge and when he first befriended the kids.

He remembers the note like it was yesterday, even though it had to be at least 11 years ago. He remembers sleepily clutching his stuffed animal, a kind-looking golden retriever, as he walked downstairs. He had been about 9 at the time, maybe a little younger. The brunette had walked into the kitchen looking for his mom so she could make him breakfast, but to his surprise the house had been completely empty.

He panicked, immediately worried for his parents’ wellbeing, until he found the small piece of paper being held up by a magnet. It simply stated that his parents would be out of town for a week on a business trip, and that there was money in the cupboard for him to order takeout. The neat handwriting had such a casual load, as it was written on the back of an old grocery list. But looks were deceiving, Steve supposed. That single note had been the cause of many sleepless nights.

Things didn’t get better when his parents finally returned home after the longest week of Steves life so far. His dad had proclaimed, as if he was talking about something mundane like the weather, that he was old enough to take care of himself and to ‘man up’, whatever that was supposed to mean directed at a nine-year-old. And that they would be leaving more often. That part hurt the most by far. It had always been the plan to let little Steve fend for himself.

His relationship with the kids in many ways changed him for the better. He wasn’t such an asshole anymore, or at least he liked to think so. He also learned what real friendship was, something he had so clearly missed with Tommy and Carol. He knew for sure he would protect the kids from anything, because he has had to in the past.

However, the downside of having young friends is the feeling that you can’t and shouldn’t burden them with your feelings. And Steve, having no one to turn to, bottled everything up. When Robin came along, it was too late. He was Steve Harrington. Babysitter Steve. Mom friend Steve. Shoulder-to-lean-on Steve. And how would anyone lean on Steve if Steve wasn’t strong enough to carry all of them?

That’s how he came to the conclusion that no one could know that he didn’t feel well. Ever. Even Robin, his best friend, his confidante, didn’t get more out of him than “I had some trouble falling asleep”, even though the problem was that he didn’t sleep at all. But it was fine. Steve was fine. He had to be. Taking care of people was a full time job, and Steve Harrington took that job very seriously.

—

The ceiling was getting boring. It was plain white, with little to no texture to it. Yet that didn’t stop Steve from staring at it every night until he felt like getting out of bed in the morning, occasionally paused by night terrors when he finally did close his eyes.

With a small groan the brunette sat up, eyeing the clock on his nightstand before sighing and getting up. He swung his feet over the edge of his bed, but immediately regretted doing so as a wave of tiredness washed over him. He, however, completely disregarded his body’s signals and got up, his limbs feeling like they were made of lead.

After Vecna was destroyed, he continued working at family video, even though the store had suffered severe damage and he didn’t currently have to work. He still got paid though, as the owner of the video store was grateful for his employees staying after such a traumatic event. If this wouldn’t have been the case, he would have had to quit anyways. His parents cut him off completely, stating he wasn’t a child anymore and could take care of himself by now. The Harringtons would only pay the bills that came with the house, other than that they left their son to his devices.

Steve shook his head to get rid of the memories of his parents’ comments that night. He didn’t like sulking and what he was doing was definitely inching closer to doing just that.

When he finally reached the downstairs areas, any appetite he had worked up that morning was gone. Instead, there was the steady pounding of a headache in his head and the wobbly feeling of nausea in his guts. Steve found to have headaches a lot as of late. He figured it must be all of the head trauma.

Shakily, he reached over to where a glass was standing besides the sink. After it was refilled, he hesitantly took a sip, seeing if it would improve or worsen his current condition. When he found it to not make things worse, he kept taking small sips until eventually the glass was empty. He didn’t really feel any better but at least his tongue wasn’t so dry anymore.

Groggily, he looked at the calendar on the fridge. It was Thursday. He racked his brain to think of the thing he was supposed to do on Thursday before reminding himself he could simply look at the calendar for that, as he distinctly remembered having his entire schedule on that collection of sheets. Tired eyes moved over the box that had the current date, and he quickly registered that he was supposed to pick up the kids after DnD today, of course dropping them off to their respective homes. Yeah okay, that was doable.

He purposefully didn’t take into account that he definitely shouldn’t be driving in his condition, no matter how important the task at hand. But that was tonight, and things might be different by tonight. For now, he focused on just being alive and trying to function like a normal human.

—

So much for trying to act normal, because an hour later Steve had made his way up to his bed again. Even though he was now dressed with the intention of paying Robin a surprise visit, he had gotten distracted by the softness of his sheets halfway to the door of his bedroom. Laying with his eyes facing the ceiling once more that day, patiently waiting for sleep, the passing of time, or both.

Not like there was no time to do so. It was 12:00 pm, and he wouldn’t have to pick up the kids for another 6 hours. So he laid there, absentmindedly playing with the fabric of his yellow sweater because he had no motivation to do anything else.

Sometimes he dreamed back to when life was easier. Back to when there were no responsibilities, only having fun, throwing parties and maintaining his barely passing grades. Everything changed when Nancy had held that shotgun up to his face, and logically so. He wouldn’t have chosen a different path if he could, the things that he gained outweighed the things that he lost by far. It just sucked in moments like these, and any moment he was alone with his thoughts, really.

That’s why Steve likes to be surrounded by people, they made his mind less loud. He just hadn’t had the energy to do so lately, sending him into the endless spiral of knowing that hanging out with his friends would benefit him but physically not being able to do so, which obviously made him feel worse, and so on.

He watched the time pass on his alarm clock until the lights hit 5:30 pm and he got out of bed for the second time that day. He didn’t feel any better, but it would have to do. He walked over to the mirror to fluff up his hair, pointedly ignoring his hollow cheeks and the dark circles beneath his eyes. It took him a minute to look himself in the eyes.

He subconsciously flinched at the sight, but pushed through and made a halfhearted attempt at covering the circles with his mothers stolen eye powder. It didn’t look much better, but it didn’t look worse either so he’ll just deal with it. No one noticed anyways, which was good. He was glad no one noticed.

As he walked downstairs, he noticed that small spots and squiggles had started appearing and disappearing in his peripheral vision, as if there was a fly right at the edge of his line of vision. He definitely shouldn’t be driving, but a promise is a promise and he was not about to let the kids go home alone while it was getting dark.

So, he got into his car and drove to the school on autopilot, which again, was probably not very safe, but it was whatever.

When he arrived, he sat in his car for a few minutes before taking a deep breath and putting the facade back up and made sure he didn’t look like he was on the brink of passing out, contrary to reality. That’s what he had started calling it, a facade, because that was exactly what it was.

He almost tripped over his feet three times before reaching the DnD club. The door to the classroom was wide open, allowing him to hear Eddie’s engrossing storytelling and the kids’ nervous chatter as they decided what to do against their next enemy. Steve peeked his head around the corner, and when they didn’t notice him, he leaned against the doorframe. He knew Dustin and Mike would be pissed if he interrupted mid dialogue, so he just stood there quietly, waiting for the right moment to break off the session. Eddie, who sat at the head of the table essentially facing Steve, shot him a quick look of acknowledgment and Steve knew that he would be finishing up now.

“Oh what a shame, what a shame, a 3 will not do. The mage casts a spell AND DOUSES YOUR PARTY IN FIRE. YOU ALL TAKE 5 BLUDGEONING DAMAGE.”

Eddie took up all the space he wanted, making wild arm gestures as the look on the faces of the kids dropped to one of despair. Steve found it kind of admirable, how the older man acted like he owned the room.

“THATS NOT FAIR, HE GOT BACK FROM THE DEAD! IF I HAD KNOWN THAT, I WOULDN’T HAVE THROWN THE KNIFE AT HIM!” Lucas yelled, in a last ditch attempt to safe the party from sudden death, even though he knew that Eddie was merciless in situations like this.

“Sinclair, we’ve been over this, the fact that you’re bad at the game doesn’t mean I have to change up the entire campaign.” Eddie’s tone was serious but his wide smile gave away that it was nothing but a friendly jab. “Besides, your ride is here.” He nodded towards Steve.

Steve’s mind, which up until that point had been concentrated on trying to follow the conversation, snapped back to reality. He also noticed his face had scrunched up, so he quickly relaxed it to look calm again.

“That’s right, chop chop. We can’t stay here all night, your Dragon Master needs sleep as well.”

“It’s Dungeon Master, Steve. Dungeon Master” Dustin said with clear intonation on ‘dungeon’.

“Do I look like I give a damn, Henderson? You guys better get in my car quick or all your asses are grass.” He tried to give it some zing, but he really couldn’t. What could he say, Henderson was his soft spot.

The party walked through the door as Steve halfheartedly clapped to speed them up, they looked at him in an annoyed manner, Mike even sticking out his tongue. They could afford to be sassy because they knew Steve never followed through with his punishments. He just cared about them too much.

Just when he was about to follow the kids to the car, he heard Eddie calling after him.

“Steve?”

Steve turned around to face the long haired brunette.

“What’s up Munson?”

Eddie took a breath, as if he were contemplating wether or not to say what he was about to say.

“I know we’re not like, close friends or anything, but are you doing okay man?”

Steve hadn’t seen that coming. Had he noticed anything? He quickly cracked a smile.

“Yeah of course, I’m doing fine. Why do you ask?”

“I don’t know man, you seem off” Eddie said. He didn’t sound as sure of himself anymore, which made Steve glad. He knew it meant that he had dodged yet another inquiry about his wellbeing successfully.

“Nope, completely fine. Even got a hot date on Saturday.” Steve did most definitely not have a date of any kind on Saturday, but the older guy seemed somewhat satisfied.

“Alright Steve, if you say so.”

And with that, Steve said his goodbyes and walked back to his car.

The nerds had gathered at the driver’s side, listening intently to Mike, who proclaimed Max had told El who told Mike how to hijack and drive a car. Steve, naturally, smacked the lanky teen on the back of the head and shooed them off to the backseats, Dustin of course claiming shotgun. Steve drove them to their homes one by one, none of them saying so much as thank you.

Once he got back home, he quickly ate a couple of saltine crackers and chugged a glass of water. When he finally reached his bed that night, he stared up at the same boring white ceiling while contemplating what could have given him away to Eddie. He also vowed to make sure it never happened again, before drifting off into a restless sleep full of nightmares.

Chapter 2: Come on little gamma ray (standing in a hurricane)

Summary:

Tw:
Self harm
Drinking to cope/Alcohol abuse
Abandonment
Self deprecation
Fat shaming/Body shaming
(all fairly graphic)

I basically put Steve through the wringer in this one. It gets worse before it gets better Im so sorry (no im not lol). There will be a short summary at the end, so feel feee to just skip to that part if you feel you can’t handle it, stay safe babes <3

Notes:

HIIII IM BACK AND ALSO HOLY SHIT I GOT SOME KUDOS????? I FUCKING LOVE YOU GUYS YOU’RE SO MOTIVATING<3333

Im sorry that this took a bit, but I do have inspiration for the next chapter so fingers crossed that that one will be out sooner lols. Have fun reading this clusterfuck<3

The morning after the Eddie disaster was a special occasion to Steve, for multiple reasons. First off, he didn’t wake up in a cold sweat even though he distinctly remembered having nightmares that night. Second, the time on his alarm clock told him that it wasn’t early; it was 2 pm. He actually slept through the night for once, be it not very well, but he still did. However, the third reason denied the two previous ones a positive connotation. Because when Steve woke up that day, he could hear his parents’ voices downstairs.

His heart raced at the recognizable tones, the ones that haunted his memory even though they were never there. Scared of the consequences, he quickly jumped out of bed and got dressed, did his hair, and brushed his teeth. Anything to look more put together than he was. Even though he’d gotten some sleep last night he felt like he was wearing his body thin by performing these simple actions, that had unsurprisingly become far from daily.

How did he even play off waking up this late? What excuse could he possibly have that wouldn’t require telling his parents the truth? Steve racked his brain for anything, but decided on just pretending he had already been up. He took a deep breath and strutted downstairs casually, trying not to let the fear in his eyes show.

“Ah, there you are, Stephen. We figured you would be at that dead-end job of yours but we were wrong.”

Steve shivered unwillingly at his father’s use of his full name. They were the only ones to call him that, and it brought back some bad memories. He willed himself to be polite and said;

“No sir, I have today off. I spent my morning looking for job openings.”

Lies. But what did his dad care? His parents were only home roughly 3 times per year anyways. Like they actually cared past what the locals would think of the family.

“I see.”

He didn’t know if his father believed him and couldn’t check either, because the man promptly walked past him to his study room.

“Mother, how was the trip?” Steve said.

“Why Stephen it was wonderful, thank you for inquiring. How was your slacking off?”

Her voice was laced with an unknown venom. Where was she going with this, Steve thought. He simply stood there, not knowing what answer she expects, before she steps towards him. A hand extends to the soft skin around his abdomen and she pinches, hard. He winces, now he definitely knew what was coming. As expected, his mother clacks her tongue and says;

“You’ve certainly gained a few pounds. What happened Stephen? You used to be so fit, and now you’re getting fat. Have you been ordering takeout again?”

Steve would want to tell her that some days he doesn’t eat more than a few crackers, but of course those days are fewer in comparison to the days he eats takeout. So he stuck to just going with it.

“I am sorry Mother, I have had little time for working out in between my work and my friends.”

He prays she drops the subject, but she doesn’t. Instead, she disapprovingly hissed, before speaking to him in a stern matter.

“You are to get back in shape as soon as possible, I will not have a greasy hog for a son.”

That stung more than Steve was willing to admit, and he could feel tears burning behind his eyes. Yet he just looked at his feet and nodded.

“Speak up Stephen”

“Yes Mother”

She nodded, seemingly satisfied and turns around to face her husband coming down the stairs.

“Good, we didn’t even want you in the first place, Stephen. Being a disappointment as well would be downright embarrassing.”

She lets out a condescending chuckle.

All emotion leaves Steves faces as it goes completely blank, his jaw slack. He barely managed to whisper a small ‘what’ before his father, glass of liquor in one hand and a bottle in the other, continued.

“Yes Stephen, but lucky for you we kept you, because abortion is a sin. Why else did you think we went on all those business trips?” He stopped to look at him with an amused glint in his eyes, almost as if it was funny. “You really thought loving parents left their child alone for those periods of time? Please son, don’t make me laugh. You were just so emotional all the time.”

His mother nodded in agreement, and matter of factly said;

“Emotionality is a dead weight, son. You were such a burden, with all your unprompted crying.”

Steve remembered those times, before they had started going on their many business trips. He would listen to the radio with his father, trying to find something they both liked. But every time Steve was enjoying the program, his father would say something mean spirited about it. He had tried to act like his mother once, because how could she not love him if he was her? But the only thing he received was a slap in the face and comment on how she ‘didn’t raise a fairy’. His parents were right. He had cried a lot back then.

“Either way, we should get going again, our flight leaves in 4 hours. We just came here to tell you we will not be coming back. We have bought a house in France where we will be moving very soon. We will leave you the house, and continue to pay for gas, water and electricity.”

She gives him a piece of papers with a string of numbers on it, and he fumbles to take it.

“This is the new phone number. Only use it in case of an emergency, yes?”

Steve just nodded absentmindedly. The little strip of paper felt heavy in his hands. His ears were ringing and he was vaguely aware of the moisture leaving his mouth and building in his eyes. His father scoffed. Then they turned around and vacated the premises, to never be seen again. As if they had packed up and were leaving nothing of worth behind. A little voice in the back of Steve’s mind reminded him that they did leave him behind, but that’s not something he was ready to acknowledge just yet.

He trudged towards the kitchen in a haze. He needed to forget. If he could not justify his parents leaving him, he would simply forget it. He’d deal with it later. Or not.

He opened the alcohol cabinet and took out one of his parents’ fancy liquors. Well, one of his fancy liquors now. The thought alone almost makes him throw up.

He takes the bottle up to his room, uncorking it with excessive strength. Anger and sadness rush through his veins in a weird mix that can only be described as misery, and he takes a first swig from the bottle. This was going to be a long day.

He didn’t remember what had happened in between the first and last sip, but at least his mind wasn’t as loud anymore, the voices that spoke of doubt and self-deprecation had been silenced to a comfortable hum. He felt woozy, his head was spinning and it felt almost as if he was floating. He sat up from where he was sprawled out on his bed, empty bottle in hand. The alarm clock read 7 pm, meaning that he had actually just done nothing that entire day. Again.

He hated his parents. He hated them for never loving him. He hated that he missed them like a little kid. The day had started out so alright, he actually got some sleep and for once he hadn’t felt the looming dread of being alive, right until they ruined everything. A flash of anger overtook him, and in a blind rage he threw the bottle against the wall. It exploded in a cloud of shards.

Why did he have to be such a fucking burden? He couldn’t do anything right could he. He should’ve gotten better grades, should’ve been less of a pig, should have been a better son. God he was such a screwup. Did he even really blame them for leaving? Probably not.

He looked at the glass shards on the floor, all shiny with the last little drops of the liquor that he could never get out of the bottle. He reached for one as he remembered what his father used to say. Something about not feeling the pain in your mind if there was enough pain elsewhere. Granted, that was usually followed by a slap to the face or some other form of physical harm, but it always worked. It had always made him forget.

Steve tugged down the waistband of his sweatpants far enough to uncover his hipbones and took a deep breath. Then, he gripped the shard tighter and pressed it to his skin, hissing as the sharp object left a red line across his skin. Little droplets of blood formed along them, and Steve looked at them with a satisfied glance.

He was crying, but it wasn’t a bad kind of cry. More of a relieved one.

By the end of the night, his hands and hips were a massacre. He bandaged it up the best he could, which was not very good in his intoxicated state. He stumbled back to his bed and flopped down, an exhilarating rush flowing through his body. He knew it was wrong but he couldn’t help but think his father had been right; the physical pain left the hurt he felt in his mind and heart in the dust by far.

Notes:

Summary:

///
Steves parents come back out of nowhere. His mother makes comments on how he gained some weight (in a condescending way) and they also announce that Steve was an unwanted accident and that they will be moving to France without him. Steve drinks a bottle of liquor and cuts himself with the shards of said bottle to cope.
///

Hey:) Are you guys all okay? I know this was kind of a heavy chapter, so make sure to take care of yourself. Get some water and talk to a friend if you need to, because you deserve to feel happy!

I know this one was a bit shorter, but that’s mainly because the next part of this story made it too long so I had to split it up. Also, please give me constructive criticism im dying to improve my writing and actually like the shit I write L.

Chapter 3: (S)He’s got a cactus crown

Summary:

Rare Eddie-POV moment yeye

Eddie wasn’t dumb. Even though he had only graduated high school after the school had given him an ‘earthquake-pity-pass’, he wasn’t stupid. Some would even go as far as to say he was very intelligent. So when Steve showed up to pick up the kids 5 days ago, naturally Eddie noticed that the other looked like shit, to put it nicely. His eyebags were haphazardly powdered away, and he almost seemed to doze off on moments he thought no one was looking. Eddie could basically see the fake confidence immediately faltering as he slumped against the doorframe as if his life depended on it, closing his eyes for a second, taking a deep breath when he thought nobody was looking.

He’d asked the former jock awkwardly, not knowing how this sort of interaction usually happens. Growing up, he really wasn’t around your “average male-to-male friendship alot; he’d always been sort of an outcast. However, he’d known he made some sort of mistake as soon as Steve immediately plastered on a smile and confirmed he was ‘fine’. His eyes hadn’t been smiling along when he said that though.

After that Steve had gone radio silent.

No calls, no voicemails, nothing. He hadn’t shown up at the movie night on Saturday, and when they called his house they’d only gotten the answer machine. The scariest thing though, in Eddie’s humble opinion, was that nobody seemed to notice.

When he had asked Robin if this was ‘Normal Steve Behavior’, she had replied with a soft “I saw his parents’ car in the driveway yesterday. He always needs a little bit of space after that.” And while that was a valid reason, Eddie had what one would call a gut feeling. Because on Thursday, Steve had already seemed very out of it, even though his parents didn’t show until Friday. Maybe he was just overprotective after the whole Vecna situation, but something felt very wrong.

That’s how Eddie “the Freak” Munson ended up on “King” Steve Harrington’s porch on a Tuesday at 16:30 pm. It was cold outside, and the jacket-vest combo did not provide enough warmth by far.

“This is so stupid, I’m so stupid, he’s probably just fine” Eddie mumbled, balling his hands into fists the stretching his fingers all the way repetitively. After a little bit of procrastinating, he finally got over himself and knocked on the door. A shattering silence ensued. He tried again, louder this time. Still no response.

“Hey man, open up! Your car is in the driveway I know you’re home!” Eddie yelled.

The lack of reaction was quite discouraging. Eddie sighed and was about to turn away when he heard stumbling come from inside the house.

A lock clicked and the front door opened, revealing a very groggy Steve.

“Hi Harrington, I was just checking up on you, haven’t seen you in almost a week.” It sounded unsure. Questioning.

For a quick second, Eddie thought that he had been wrong. At first glance Steve seemed fine. He looked like he just got out of bed, and Eddie felt kind of bad for waking him up. Then all that went away when Steve started talking.

“‘M fine, Munson, go ‘way” Steve slurred.

Hold up. Steve slurred? Why the fuck was Steve drunk on a Tuesday afternoon?

The younger was swaying a little, his shoulders saggy and the stench of alcohol present all around him. Eddies eyes widened in surprise at the unpleasant sight.

“Steve? What the fuck, have you been drinking?” His tone was soft, trying his best not to startle the man infront of him but ultimately failing.

Steve momentarily lost his balance and stumbled forward onto his long haired friend, but quickly steadied himself and stepped back into the house.

“Nun o’ yer business Munson, Jus’ go ‘way.” Steve said, attempting to close the door.

Eddie frowned and put his foot in the doorway. “I don’t think I can leave you like this in good conscience.”

Steve snickered “N’ I don’t want y-your pity, Munson.” He slammed the door against Eddies foot, who yelped in pain. A flash of regret could be seen in the younger’s eyes before it quickly vanished again. Stevr reached into the house, and pulled his trusty bat seemingly out of nowhere. “I said, leave.”

“Steve, for fucks’ sake, I will not stand to the side as you destroy yourself-“ The metalhead was almost yelling at this point, but swiftly quieted down as a familiar weapon was held to his throat, the long nails preventing him from swallowing. The metal prickled at his chin. Steve’s eyes were spitting daggers that scared Eddie more than the bat under his chin “Go.”

The sound was barely above a whisper.

If Eddie had been any less observant, he would have missed the tears pooling in the other’s dark brown eyes. He wanted to reach out, wipe them away and tell Steve everything would be okay. That he was here for him. He also knew that those kinds of gestures would probably not be very welcome. So he relented.

“Okay man, whatever.”

He slowly backed away, and Steve lowered the bat. Once he was at a save distance, he turned around to look at him again.

“People care about you, Steve.”

“Get away from me, I don’ need.. any help-“ The last part of his sentence was cut off, and Eddie watched in horror as he slowly lost balance and dropped to the floor with a loud thud.

“STEVE WHAT THE FUCK!” Eddie sprinted back to the front door. He crouches down to where Steve lies and frantically shakes his shoulders. “Steve this isn’t funny, wake up.” He taps his unconscious friend on the face, and quickly checks if Steve is still breathing. He is. Thank god.

He sits and contemplates what to do next for a second, before picking Steve up bridal style and carrying him upstairs, to his room. Eddie hadn’t been over at the Harrington house many times, only on movie nights every so often. And every time the furniture seemed too clean to be used; too pristine to be dirtied. Hence he finds himself trudging through the door of Steve’s room, and laying the other down on the bed.

Eddie sits on the beanbag in the corner of the room. What comes next? He couldn’t just leave him like this. What happened if Steve threw up in his sleep and choked on the vomit? He seemed like he’d had way too much, it wouldn’t be an impossible scenario. Or what if he’d wake up disoriented and half drunk, and hit his head on something? Not quite as likely as his last thought, but not out of the picture. Beyond the life or death scenario, Steve was decidedly not okay, and Eddie had to know what’s up. Curiosity and worry were eating away at him.

However, there was something else keeping Eddie from just leaving Steve there. Something he might not be quite ready to admit yet. Something that had to do with the way his heart got all up in his throat whenever he saw his brown-haired friend. And that something was yelling at him to stay, even though he knew that Steve might actually murder him if he knew that Eddie was trying to take care of him.

So he stayed.

He sat there and waited, until eventually he dozed off into a slumber.

Notes:

I unfortunately had to break this one up into two because otherwise it wouldve been like- 4000 words idk. Enjoy the chapter, or dont. (please do i need validation lmao)