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Give me reasons to believe
That you would do the same for me
And I would do it for you, for you
28 years after Eddie Munson dies, Steve Harrington finally accepts the fact that he will never love anyone again.
Weirdly enough, it’s Andrew Garfield’s Spider-Man that makes him realize this.
There has always been an inkling— soft and low— a dwindling candle in the back of Steve’s head that tells him that no one will ever fill the hole Eddie left in his heart.
After kissing men in dark alleys and dating women in restaurants— always a brunette with curly hair, brown eyes and a soft smile. Steve stops when the hook-ups fill him with nothing but longing for the guy he’s trying to replace. He stops dating altogether after ten years of nothing. Steve gets his degree in teaching, gets a job in a school in Chicago and pours all his time into his students.
Steve doesn’t date; doesn’t budge when the kids, Robin, Nancy, or Joyce and even fucking Hopper annoy him into dating. It's not like he doesn't want to; he's just not ready yet.
What gets him is Dustin, telling him one night as they both get drunk, because fuck, the kids can drink now, and they’re no longer kids, and time is moving away from Steve. But it’s so long, so slow, so short, so fast all at the same time, and he just wants Edd—
They both get fucking wasted after Max and Lucas’ wedding, as they sit and watch as their family dance and celebrate the union of two people that have always been meant to be. Dustin looks at him, eyes red from drinking, tie hooked on his neck, hair short for his job in fucking NASA.
“You should date again.” Steve snorts. It isn’t the first time he’s got this talk. He’s had this talk with Dustin over a hundred times, maybe a thousand with Robin, a minimum of a hundred thousand from Max and Joyce.
“Nah,” Steve answers, taking a swig of his beer. It’s better to just say no and move on. No amount of persuasion would push him to date again.
Dustin looks at him. Steve knows him so well, like the back of his own hand, like an extension of himself. Dustin will say anything and everything to anyone, but he gets this look sometimes. Eyebrows uneven, lips pursed, nose scrunched— when there’s a moment of hesitation, a moment of indecision if he should say what he wants to say or not.
Steve watches as it shifts to resolute, Dustin reaching over his hand, splayed over the table with a white tablecloth. His fingers settle on the ring on his middle finger, silver and rusting. Steve’s pretty sure it’s from fucking CVS, but he still wears it, has made sure it stays that way forever, colouring it with nail polish and protective clearing, gets it resized if it's getting too small for him. It was a mood ring, but it’s eternally stuck on the color blue now.
Steve can buy real silver rings now. But this was the one ring he could never take off. It’s old and cheap and looks out of place in his hands. It hasn’t left his finger since the day Eddie gave it to him, and Steve has a column in his will that says, “You can bury me, can cremate me, hell you can throw me in the ocean, but the ring gets buried with me, gets cremated with me or gets thrown in the ocean with me.”
Dustin taps the ring, softly caressing the old stone in between his fingers, before looking up at him, eyes filling with tears, lips quivering in a sad smile, “He wouldn’t want you to be alone.”
Steve watches tears spill quietly down Dustin’s face, and it takes him back to red skies and red blood. Robin, Max, and Joyce have talked to him a hundred times, pushed him to date, to find someone, but no one has ever brought Eddie up, only always changing the topic with a mournful smile and glassy eyes.
“He’d say something like, What? Why aren’t you dating? Where’s that—” Dustin stops to wipe tears away his eyes, taking a breath, “Where’s that Harrington Charm?”
Steve chuckles, drinking a sip of his beer, surprised to find his cheeks wet when his hand makes contact with it. He didn’t even realize he was crying until he felt the tears.
They sit in silence as the wind gusts, shaking the trees. He hears Robin complaining that it’s getting cold, he can hear Murray and Argyle laughing about something absurd, and he hears the music changing into something faster, still everything around Steve is moving in slow motion.
“He wouldn’t want you to be alone. Eddie wouldn’t want that.” Dustin repeats, putting emphasis on his words.
And it hurts. It makes something in him ache with want and longing and yearning for someone who’s six feet underground because Steve didn’t want to be alone. He never wanted to be alone, from the first time his parents left him at home, to when Nancy broke up with him, to when he met Robin, to when he found this family.
Steve Harrington doesn’t want to be alone. But, but, but, he’d rather be alone if it’s not Eddie.
He lets the words sink in and lets them sit in his lungs as it steals away at his breath because no matter how many times he pushes away the words Dustin just uttered, Steve knows Eddie, and he’s right. Eddie would hate this, would hate how Max and Lucas didn’t even send him an invite with a plus one option because they know he’s not bringing anyone at all, would hate seeing him sitting alone in a wedding without a date, would hate how he goes home to a home with Nancy and Robin happily in love in the next room as he sleeps alone in a king sized bed.
The realization hits him like a truck. Even dead, Steve Harrington would do anything to make Eddie Munson happy, even if that meant moving on from him.
“Okay. I’ll try.” Steve answers, watching Dustin light up.
Steve tries to date, surprising all of them. He tries to stay away from brunettes and soft brown eyes that shine in the sun. He goes from one date to another, trying his best to put his effort into it. None of it works out, so he stops again.
Love is wanky. When you look for it, you can’t find it, but when you don’t, it shows up right on your doorstep. She shows up on his doorstep on a Wednesday evening with his mail that got sent to her address.
Emma was strawberry blonde, with the brightest blue eyes he’s ever seen, and she smiles with pursed lips and wrinkled nose. Steve doesn’t fall in love with her because she’s beautiful. He falls in love with her scrappy ways, with her songwriting, with her love for fantasy books, with the way she plays the ukulele. After years of being alone, he thinks maybe he’ll settle down with a woman he loves.
It’s two years later when it comes crashing down. Like a pile of plates piled on top of each other, a table cloth being pulled under it. Emma says something about how closed off Steve is— how he never lets her in, how she’ll never entirely know him. All of these are true. Steve swallows it easily— a now familiar pill— that he’s signed his life away in NDAs as thick as his mattress and no one he dates can truly know what he’s been through or why he still keeps the rusting nailed bat under his bed even twenty years later.
None of it hurts because it’s the truth until Emma says, “I know Eddie was and still is an important part of your life. But you will never be happy if you don’t let him go. Steve, I can’t compete with a ghost. No one can compete with a ghost.”
Emma leaves, and Steve thinks it’s worse than Nancy’s bullshit speech. That made him not want to fall in love and made him terrified of expressing his love. After years of therapy and Nancy apologizing a hundred times, Steve learns that he is indeed not bullshit, love is not bullshit. But this? This was the truth.
He doesn’t let that keep him down though, because Steve Harrington is not a lot of things, but he is certainly a stubborn man. He will prove Emma wrong. So he dates, it lasts from a year to a few months, but they all end up in break ups.
Until The Amazing Spider-Man 2 comes out.
They’re all older now, the Party are all scattered in the country with kids that call him Uncle Stevie whenever he calls. But every time a movie comes out, a movie they all want to watch, they all take a plane to Chicago, and they all go to a movie theatre to watch it together. It’s a tradition that started when they all watched The Fellowship of the Ring together, the one movie that made him sob as soon as they were out of the theatre. The kids all looked gobsmacked for a second, surprised to see Steve— the Steve, their strong and tough protector— to see him just crumble.
It takes a second before it all clicks in their heads, why Steve is crying, why Steve wanted to watch the movie together, why Steve is even here to watch Lord Of The Rings, for goodness sake. They all huddle around him, soothing him, holding his hand as their own eyes also fill with tears. He was aware that people were looking at them, but the sob comes from deep within him, stemmed and rooted in the deepest corners of his soul and no matter how much he plucks it out, rips it off, it’s still there. It’s grief. It’s intense sorrow for that one person he knows that would have loved to watch the movie. It’s grief, and Steve’s been a grief-stricken person for twenty years now.
It’s an expensive tradition, but who the fuck cares when the government is still sending them hundreds of thousands of money every five years with another set of NDAs that makes them promise for another five years that they’re still all keeping this awful, terrible secret that killed so many people, including the love of his life. It’s hush money, and if they want to use it to jump into a plane to watch a 2-hour movie and then have sleepovers in Steve, Robin, and Nancy’s house like they’re fifteen again and go catch the next flight the next day like it’s a taxi, no one fucking cares.
It’s hot and sticky as they line up in the cinema. Lucas is spewing a story about Max and their daughter, Ellie. How she took home a whole box of newborn kittens. Mike and Will are behind them, laughing at the story, hands intertwined freely in public, making something in Steve ache with pride. Dustin’s listening intently, laughing behind his glasses. He keeps saying it’s for style, but Steve knows it’s because of his damn computer. His arms are hooked around Suzie. El’s with Jonathan buying popcorn at the concession stand. Robin’s beside him, squinting at her phone, probably texting Nancy because she can’t come for movie night this one time because of a story she’s had to pick up. At the back, Argyle’s talking with Max about investments and math and something Steve has completely tuned out. All the kids are with Gamma Joyce and Grampa Hopper. He’s happy, waiting for a movie with his family.
When they’re finally settled, Robin’s vibrating with excitement, and Max is beside him, spouting about how hot Andrew Garfield is, which Steve doesn’t begrudge her for.
They’re an hour in when Peter plugs in his earphones and listens to a song. Steve’s not really the most updated in music now. He listens to what he hears on the radio. Maybe when Lucas or Will recommends a song, he’ll listen. Sometimes, he plays metal music to sleep, like a familiar lullaby.
When life leaves you high and dry
I'll be at your door tonight
If you need help, if you need help
I'll shut down the city lights
I'll lie, cheat, I'll beg and bribe
To make you well, to make you well
Steve is completely taken out of the movie. He’s still watching Peter fill his wall with newspaper articles, pictures, and clues, but his mind is somewhere else as the music plays in the theatre. He’s never been one to be moved by songs, and no matter how much they’ve been important in their lives, he’s never made a connection with a song that paralyzes him as much as this one. The song brings back a hurricane of memories.
A knock on his door, late at night—
—Cold spring wind gusting and blowing.
Curly messy hair, brown eyes filled with fear and restlessness.
Warm coffee to calm him down, a hand on his back, another hand sweeping his hair out of his face.
A promise of trust.
A story of a girl, troubled and unhappy, taken too earl—
A story of a boy, in the wrong place at the wrong time.
The beginning of the end.
A cold hand takes him back to the present. Robin’s looking at him with wide eyes.
“Are you okay?” She whispers, her breath smells like popcorn and ice cream. It reminds him of summer ‘85 and how she’s never left him since then.
“Yeah.” Steve nods back, she doesn’t look convinced at all, but she refocuses on the movie. Steve busies himself with shoving popcorn in his mouth.
Gwen dies. There’s no blood, no screaming, no red skies and monsters on the horizon. It’s so different from what Steve saw, but as Peter cries over her body, cradling it close to his body, Steve’s jaw clenches, his throat filling with a lump, tears clinging to his eyes. Robin and Max are crying beside him, and he’s pretty sure the boys are crying too. He’s sure they’re crying for a different reason, sure they’re crying over Gwen dying and not because he remembered the way he cradled Eddie’s dead body in his, cradling it close to him like his body would revive the other with the power of pain and hurt and love. It doesn’t.
Peter listens to Gwen’s graduation speech. Steve hears it in pieces, tuning in and out of the movie. She talks about hope and living, and the movie ends in a hopeful light.
It’s late when they all get back to the house. All the little kids are sleeping, Joyce and Hopper are asleep in the master bedroom. The kids all take their designated sleeping bags and start lying in the living room.
Steve’s still in a dazed mood as he lies in bed waiting for Robin to get in bed. They’re bunking together because Steve gave up his bed for Jonathan and Argyle. He’s listening to the song he heard in the movie, something called Gone, Gone, Gone by a guy named Philip Phillips. He lets the song sink into him, letting it sink into his bones and how it perfectly explains his heart.
“You okay?” Robin asks when she finally lays beside him. No matter how old Steve gets, no matter how many wrinkles he adds to his face, no matter how many white hairs he starts growing, Robin Buckley will always know what he feels with one look.
“I…” He starts, chocking up. There are no tears or anger when the realization hits him.
Steve will never love again, not in the way he loves Eddie. It should maim him, should make him cry in grief, make him feel alone. However, it frees him. He's never going to be ready to date again. Because his heart belongs to someone else, has always belonged to Eddie Munson.
“Steve?” Robin looks at him, eyes brimming with concern.
Steve reaches over an earbud, slotting it into Robin’s ear as she looks at him, confused. He restarts the song and lets her listen to the whole song.
When the song is over, they lay in silence as Robin wipes tears that are free-falling from her eyes.
“I don’t think I— I can’t— Love— Again—” Robin nods, stopping him from stuttering, holding up her hand to hold Steve’s jaw. Steve instinctively leans into the familiar touch.
“I understand.” She says it so simply, and no other person could ever understand Steve more. Because when the universe was created, their atoms were holding hands, forever intertwining their souls, in this life or the next. Robin Buckley is the person that makes his soul think, “Hey. I’ve met you before. ”
“I don’t even remember what he sounds like anymore.” Steve chokes out. Robin’s face crumbles, the realization hitting her just as hard.
“I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry.” He lets himself fall and sob against her chest. Clenching his eyes shut as he catalogues every image of Eddie in his mind, tries to remember how his voice sounded, how it rasped, how it soothed.
Robin holds him, humming a song that he vaguely remembers. It’s a Corroded Coffin song, and it’s then he realizes he wants to visit Eddie.
He pulls away, saying, “I am going to Hawkins.” Robin’s eyes widen comically.
“Steve, it’s one in the morning.” Steve shrugs, pulling away from her and sitting up from the bed.
“I need to visit him.” He hears Robin spluttering a response as Steve packs a small bag. Just a change of clothes, a sweater if he gets cold and a few things for emergencies. You don’t live through multiple world endings and not learn to be prepared for anything.
“Okay, you’re going. Okay, I am coming.” Robin says, sitting up from the bed when Steve stops her.
“I want to go alone.” Robin looks ready to protest when Steve slings the bag on his shoulders, kissing her head.
“I’ll be back before afternoon. I’ll be here for the kids flights.”
“Dingus, I’ll come with you.” Steve shakes his head.
“I’ll be fine. I’ll call you when I arrive, okay?”
Robin contemplates it for a second but nods, though she doesn’t look too happy with the decision.
“Let me at least walk you to the car.” Steve agrees. They both quietly walk around their house, the kids sleeping soundly in the living room. If Steve squints hard enough, he’ll see them fifteen again, sleeping side by side like sardines after a long night of campaigns, and it makes his heart clench.
Robin packs him a few water bottles and snacks for the road. He goes to the washroom to pee for the last time, and he finds Robin smiling at him as she stands next to his car. Steve knows she did something but doesn’t ask. He knows he’ll know soon enough. He gets in, opening and letting the engine roar.
“I love you,” Steve says over the window as she hover outside his window.
Robin smiles, soft and bright in the dark night, consistent and everlasting in his life, reaching in the car to smooth Steve’s hair out of his eyes, “I know. I love you, too.”
They stand there for a few more minutes, just looking at each other.
“You do this, and I’ll talk with the kids, hmm?” Steve nods, eternally grateful he’ll have to miss that conversation.
“You’ll never be alone. Do you understand that?” Steve smiles because he does. It was a long road to it, but he understands he will never be alone.
“Yes.” Robin beams at him, rolling her eyes.
“Good. Because I will be here for the rest of your life, and then I will find you in the next one.” Robin’s looking at him with a look that says there’s more she wants to say, more words, more reassurances, more vows. Steve smiles, nodding because he understands it all; his soul knows it all.
“Drive safe, dingus. Go visit your love.” Robin kisses Steve’s forehead before backing away and waving at him as he pulls out of the driveway.
As he drives down empty streets, his only companion is the song as he replays it for a hundred times. He drives down the familiar path easily, his eyes watching as his surroundings change. He stops for gas once or twice to pee. He buys flowers from a gas station, and then he drives and drives and drives.
Steve gets bored and looks for gum. He’s sure he’s got a stick somewhere, pulling his visor down, his heart stuttering to a stop when he comes face to face with a polaroid. Robin must’ve put it here because Steve’s sure he left it in the beamer. The beamer, his baby, retired many years ago. It still works, but it’s old, and Steve brings it for maintenance every 6 months. Not that he’d ever sell it, it sits in their garage, collecting dust and filled with memories. The picture had been clipped on his visor for years until he started dating Emma and he bought a new car.
And now it’s here. It’s black and white, edges fading from age. Steve’s carrying Eddie with a smile as Eddie looks directly at the camera. Eddie’s handwriting is scrawled below it, Put me down, BIG BOY. - Eddie
Steve smiles at it, his fingers gliding on the old paper. He’s never asked it, too ashamed to know what others may think, but he really should just ask Dustin or Murray if they know how close the government is in creating a time machine.
At his fingertips, he knows the exact day and moment he wants to go back to. The exact night, how the wind felt on his skin, the way Eddie’s touch burned him with warmth, the way his heart stumbled on itself when Eddie called him.
*
December 1985
It’s two in the morning when he gets the call. Steve ignores the cold shiver running down his spine, the impending fear that the Upside Down is back and all their lives are in danger again. He steadies his shaking hands against the phone as he picks it up.
“Hello?” Steve answers, his breath held. He's already doing a mental list, his bat in the closet, the other under his bed, one in his trunk. He’s got a gun in the shed, under the toolbox. First aid kit in his trunk, radio in his bedsid—
“Big booooooooy.” Steve sighs. It feels like being dunked underwater and being able to finally breathe again.
“Fuck, Munson, do you know what time it is? You scared the shit out of me!” He feels like ripping his hair out, feels his skin crawling, shivering at the feeling.
“Dudeee! You said I can call anytime!” Steve lets his head thump on the wall. He did fucking say it, and he cursed the day Dustin Henderson bought Eddie Munson into his life.
Well, not really.
“I sure did.” Steve spits out, “What do you need, Munson?”
“I need a ride, baby!” Steve lets his head thump against the wall again. Fuck, can he get concussions from this? Can he erase the way Eddie’s tongue rolls as he says baby?
“Oh, god, are you drunk?” He hears Eddie giggle. Now that he’s listening intently, he can hear party music playing in the background.
“High and drunk, Stevie!” Steve sighs worry seeping into his bones.
“Okay, I’ll pick you up. Where are you right now?” He hears Eddie grumble and stutter.
“OH! I am at Allison Adam's place! You know! Big house, big trees!” He does know. It’s not a far drive, thank god.
“Okay, listen to me, Munson. I need you to sit down on the front porch, okay? I’ll come get you.” Eddie’s giggling on the other line. Steve’s head flashes through the worst-case scenarios, his heart thumping against his chest.
“Eddie, promise me you’ll wait for me on the front porch?” Eddie hums.
“Promise me, Eddie?”
“I promise, big boy. I’ll wait for you.” The phone clicks as they both hang up. Steve takes his wallet and his keys and jumps in the car, not even bothering to change clothes, just throwing on a winter jacket.
When he arrives at Allison’s house, Eddie’s not on the porch.
“Damn it,” Steve whispers, walking into the house. The party is still in full swing.
“Harrington!” He turns. Gareth’s standing in the middle of the living room on a table with a polaroid camera.
“Gareth! Where’s Munson?!” Steve squeezes past people to get to him.
“He’s underneath this table! He said he wanted to nap!” Steve lets his hand caress his temple. He can feel a headache coming on. He peeks underneath, and yeah, there’s Eddie sleeping, hugging a bottle of vodka like it's a teddy bear. He looks fucking ridiculous, and Steve’s heart is drumming in his ribs like it wants to get out and go to its rightful owner— this dumb ass in front of him.
“Dude!” He shouts, pulling at Gareth’s pants to get his attention, “Do you have a ride? Do I need to haul your ass too!?”
“Nah! Jeff’s here! Somewhere! But Eddie wanted you!” Gareth winks conspicuously at him. Damn, what has Steve’s life become? He rolls his eyes before ducking under the table.
“Eddie, Eddie.” He shakes the older man, “Eddie, I am here. Let’s go.” Eddie opens his eyes, brown eyes melting Steve.
“Stevie!” Eddie clings his arms around Steve’s neck, making him scoff.
“Man, you’re a drug dealer. How are you this lightweight?” Steve chuckles as Eddie buries himself deeper in Steve’s neck, “Come on, let’s get you home.”
Eddie’s shaking his head, “Let’s go to your house instead.”
Steve sighs, “Okay, but we need to go now.”
“Carry me.”
Steve pulls back, surprised and confused, “What?”
“Carry me. I don’t want to waaaaaalkkkk.” Eddie shakes him by the shoulders.
“Eds, let’s walk, okay?” Eddie pouts, and God, thank you for giving Steve the willpower of a soldier because he wants to kiss this man senselessly right now.
Eddie stares at him, lips pouting and brown eyes shining. It’s the goddamn puppy eyes that will get him killed.
“Carry me home, sweetheart?”
“Fine.”
Eddie squeals happily, lopping his arms around Steve’s neck as Steve loops his arms underneath Eddie’s legs.
They both emerge from underneath the table, and Eddie giggles like crazy. Steve can’t help but smile at the sound of his laugh. He’ll never admit it, but if Eddie laughs like this for the rest of their lives, he’ll carry him for the rest of his life. Gareth immediately laughs when he sees them. Polaroid camera pointing at them with a click.
“Harrington,” Gareth smirks, offering the fresh new polaroid to him like he’s a king and he’s offering him a chicken. He takes the polaroid, tucks it into his pocket. God, Steve thinks being dramatic must be a requirement to join the Hellfire Club, “Drive safe.”
Steve safely buckles Eddie into the passenger seat of the beamer. He’s still all smiley as Steve jumps in the driver's seat. Eddie’s shivering as Steve cranks up the heat. He’s in pyjamas and a thin shirt, but he removes his winter jacket and throws it at Eddie.
“Dude, you’re like one of the kids.” Eddie laughs as he lets the jacket warm him up.
“Shut up. You love me.” Eddie teases, his hands poking Steve’s side as they drive out of the house. Steve doesn’t answer because he does, and man, is it cruel.
“Just rest, you drunk.” Eddie hums, letting the quiet radio fill the silence as they drive back to Loch Nora.
Steve stops at a red light, sparing Eddie a glance. Eddie’s leaning on the window, eyes closed, mouth gaped as he sighs into sleep. It’s cute, and Steve thinks it should be illegal for a fucking metalhead to be this adorable.
He didn’t really have “Fall in love with Eddie Munson” in his bingo card for this year, much less “Be good friends with Eddie Munson” but here he is. Dustin, Lucas, and Mike have been singing praises for him in September, and while Steve’s happy with just picking them up and dropping them off as Eddie and his gang send glares at him, Dustin and the kids weren’t. Dustin gives him a whole talk about how it's becoming hard for them that two of their older friends hate each other, Lucas and Mike agreeing like it was rehearsed.
Steve would do anything for Dustin; that’s proven and tested. So he bakes a batch of cookies because who the hell hates cookies? And brings it the next time he picks the kids up. Eddie’s still glaring at him when he walks closer to them.
“King Steve.” Eddie snarls. Dustin and the kids are watching intently at the interaction, Eddie’s gang looking him up and down with doubt.
“What do you want?” Gareth spits beside him.
“Hey, Munson. Gareth. Just Steve is okay.” Steve chews on his lips, nervous and clutching a box of fresh cookies in his hand. Munson's gorgeous up close, God have mercy.
What would Robin do? What would Robin do?
Ramble. Rant. Babble.
“Steve’s fine.” He repeats before steamrolling into the rant of the century, “Uhm, hey, I am sorry if I was an ass to any of you in high school. I mean, I don’t really remember doing anything directly to you, but I know Tommy did, and I stood aside and watched and didn’t do anything, and that’s— that’s just as bad as what he did. I could have done something but didn’t. So what I am trying to say is I am sorry. I am trying to be better. King Steve was an idiot, so I am sorry. I wanted to be friends, or not even friends, just on good terms, for the kids, you know?” He runs his hand through his hair, Eddie’s gaping at him in shock.
“Oh! And I baked cookies like a peace offering. It’s good, well, I think the kids really love them. Oh! Oh no! I hope you don’t have allergies. I— Dustin said cookies were okay. It doesn’t have nuts?” He holds up the cookies in front of them like it’s an offering to an altar of saints.
Dustin’s beside him, staring at how Eddie would react. Eddie and his friends are still looking at him like he grew another head or something.
“Dude! Say something! If you don’t want the cookies, we can have them!” Dustin glares at Eddie. It’s so bizarre that it snaps him up into reality, back straightening in surprise. Dustin likes Eddie, he really does, but Steve is his brother, the dude who saved his life multiple times. He may be annoying sometimes, but he tries his best to be better.
“Oh! I—” Eddie looks speechless before accepting the box of cookies, passing one box to each person in his group.
“Okay. Thank you, Harrington.” Eddie holds the box in his hands, looking intently at Steve.
“I can’t say we’re friends. It’s a long road to that. But thank you for the apology. It means a lot.” Eddie nods at him, his friends nodding at this.
That was it. The road to friendship actually wasn’t long. He picks the kids up, drops them off, stays to hang out and soon enough, he’s friends with the whole club. Robin liked teasing him that he was turning into a nerd.
It’s not surprising that he’s turning into a nerd. It’s been a long time coming. What’s surprising is along the road, he starts falling in love with Eddie Munson. Falling in love with Eddie was easy, easy like letting go of a long breath you’ve been holding for years. It’s standing in the middle of the rain as you let it wash away every pain and hurt and letting it water all the dead plants back into life. Eddie’s the brightest star in his axis, shining and reigniting every dead spark in his veins.
“Eds, we’re here.” He whispers, opening the door for Eddie. Eddie grumbles something before opening his eyes.
“We’re here,” Steve repeats as Eddie blinks up at him.
“Okay.” He reaches up to him, and Steve immediately takes his hand and helps him to his door.
Eddie’s on autopilot as soon as Steve closes the door, walking up to his room and opening dressers to find clothes for himself before heading to the ensuite to brush his teeth with his own toothbrush. It’s a surreal experience as Steve watches him do so, only snapping out of it to get Eddie a glass of water and some Advil.
When he gets back, Eddie’s lying in his bed. Steve doesn’t even blink as he climbs beside him. It’s not like this was the first time they had this sleepover. If it’s not smoking together, it’s watching movies together, or listening to songs together.
As he lays down, Eddie instinctively moves closer, his hand curling to his chest as he lets his head rest on Steve’s chest, curling into him like a cat. His hand lands on the older man’s hair, brushing through it as Eddie sighed into the touch.
“I hate how quiet this house is, how alone you are in here. You’re the only one who makes it a home.” Eddie mumbles. Steve nods against his hair.
“We should move. In a few years, we’ll take Robin with us and move to Chicago or Seattle. We’ll all live in a home, not a house.” Steve smiles at the idea. He so wanted to move, to move away from this cursed town and its monsters. Maybe they can move in the next year, after Eddie and Robin graduate.
“Sure. We’ll move somewhere with a good college so Robin can study.” Steve answers.
“Yeah, and we can look for jobs. I can work at a record store, and you can maybe teach a class. I think you’ll be a good teacher, Mr. Steve.” They both laugh at the name.
“I think that’s a perfect plan, Eddie.” Eddie yawns against his chest.
“Go to sleep. We can plan more when Robin’s here.” Eddie hums, moving closer to him, his warmth spreading into Steve.
“Thank you for carrying me home, Steve.” It’s barely a whisper, quiet and muffled by Steve’s shirt.
Steve doesn’t say anything, not until he’s sure Eddie’s asleep. When Eddie’s breathing evens out, and his body goes limp in his touch. Steve drops a kiss on his head.
“I’ll carry you anywhere, anytime you want, Eddie.”
***
When Steve arrives at Hawkins, it’s barely dawn. From afar, he can see the sun trying to peek, letting its bright colour splash against the sky with dark blue and orange tinges. He can’t help but smile at the sky, like a constant reminder that Eddie’s watching him over sunsets and sunrises. He drives until he gets to the familiar cemetery.
None of them live in Hawkins anymore. Hop and Joyce moved to Lafayette in ‘98. The last person they knew that lived here was Wayne, who died in ‘05 from lung cancer. However, they were still so familiar with the town, visiting so many times a year to visit a good old friend.
Steve takes the flowers, some snacks and a small Bluetooth speaker he borrowed from Robin. The hike is familiar as he passes by familiar headstones, stopping by Barb’s and Chrissy’s, leaving them their own set of flowers. At the far end of the cemetery, a grand oak tree stands. It’s on top of a small hill, with a big shade. Circling the trunk, he finds the EM carved in on its right side. He sets down the flowers near the trunk of the tree, spreading a picnic blanket right under the carving before laying down on it, his back leaning on the tree trunk.
“Hey, Eddie.” He whispers.
It’s quiet, the wind whispering as it rustles around him and the trees shaking in response. The sky is coloured in the most beautiful orange, and it feels like a hug, a greeting, a hello.
They tried getting Eddie a plot in the cemetery with a headstone. That didn’t end well when random people came spray painting shit on it and breaking the headstone. It was Wayne who decided they bury him under this tree instead.
“Surprised I am visiting?” Steve laughs, letting his hand play with the hem of his sweater.
“The kids and I watched Spider-Man last night. God, they killed Gwen. You would have hated it.” Steve smiles, the silence sinking in. From a far, he can hear birds starting to chirp.
“So I heard this song in the movie. I think it’s perfect for us, you know?” He opens up his bag, taking out the speaker and setting it up. He lets the song play and lets it fill the silence.
“Baby, I'm not moving on. I'll love you long after you're gone.” Steve sings the song accompanying it with his own soft voice.
“I was here last Christmas, and lots has happened since then. I’ll update you on everything. I know you’re always watching, but I know you get bored on your own here.”
Steve hums, “Max and Lucas now have a family of kittens in their house. Ellie took them from the park. It’s so funny, though. It looks like they’re going to be giving us one kitten for each household. Dustin and Suzie are doing well too. Edward… god… I actually think you reincarnated in him, Eddie. He’s growing up to be the spunkiest and weirdest kid ever, and we all love him. Mike and Will are going steady. You know those two; it’s been a long road. Maybe they’ll finally get married. El’s living her best life. She’s working as a social worker, and she’s been glowing with happiness. Erica’s still a big-shot lawyer in New York. Sometimes El and her work together with cases, and god, I love them so much. They’re just really changing the world.”
“Robin and Nancy are happy. They’re thinking of adopting a kid, and they want me there for every step. How’d I get so lucky to have them by my side? Jon’s still in LA, and he met Metallica the other month for a photoshoot. He gave me this CD,” Steve takes a signed CD from his bag and lays it on the trunk beside the flowers, “I thought you’d want it, you know? Argyle’s into investments now, something about bitcoins. Anyway, Vincent is going into middle school this year, can you believe that? Jon and Argyle have a son going into middle school. It’s crazy. Gareth and Jeff are still in LA producing music for different artists.”
“Joyce is into gardening now. You should see her garden, it’s ridiculous. Like, I don’t think she needs to go grocery shopping anymore because she’s got a whole ass farm in her backyard. Hopper—” Steve laughs, “Hopper’s addicted to this game called Candy Crush. It’s just matching up different colours and different shaped candies. It’s so funny because he didn’t even want a phone. Edward downloaded it for him on his phone, and he hasn’t stopped playing it. I think he’s on level 152 already.”
Steve stops, thinking of who he’s missing, “Oh! Murray’s still living underground. He sends me a bottle of vodka every month, saying it’s for my sorrows.” Steve scoffs, letting the song on repeat fill the silence instead.
“Then there’s me. I am still teaching at that school, still a guidance counsellor. I love my kids, and they take up most of my days. I also took up swimming again. God, I missed it. The weightlessness. I really thought I’d never ever be able to swim again.” Steve lets his hand wash over his face, “I am okay. I think.”
He pauses, “I miss you. I miss you every day, Eds.” He says as he ruffles the grass where Eddie’s buried underneath him.
“I— I think I am done with dating. I think— It's not fair for anyone. That I am still so in love with you, and I just go galavanting looking for relationships. You have to understand, okay? I did try. But no one… no one’s ever made me feel like the way you made me feel. Maybe Emma came close.” Steve clenches his eyes, squeezing the tears forming in his eyes.
“Jesus, Eddie. I told you not to be a hero.” He laughs wetly. He’s aware of how crazy he looks, crying and laughing at the same time. The song loops back to the beginning.
When enemies are at your door
I'll carry you away from war
If you need help, if you need help
Your hope dangling by a string
I'll share in your suffering
To make you well, to make you well
*
March 1986
Steve’s worst fears have changed over the last four years. From his father being on the top to a Demogorgon, to a flesh-like monster that can possess human bodies, to an evil wizard that can control your memories.
Nothing. Nothing comes close to the fear over the fact that Eddie’s now part of this. He wanted to keep this part of their lives away from him for the rest of his lives, let him live in ignorance, in safety. But no, he comes crashing to Steve’s house in the middle of the night crying and hysterical, talking about lights flashing and Chrissy floating. Steve’s worst nightmare is happening right in front of him as Eddie begs him to believe him.
He calms him down and tells him that Steve believes every word Eddie says. God, Steve wanted one year without any crazy shit happening. He wants a quiet life with Eddie, quiet life to live it with this man he loves. He wants to tell Eddie he loves him, that he’s been in love with him for months and kiss him stupidly.
Things happen. Max gets possessed, they find ways to stop it, they stop it from happening, Eddie goes into hiding, Steve gets dragged underwater, and they walk through literal hell on earth. Nancy gets possessed, Vecna shows her his plans, and they create a plan.
That night, when everyone’s resting, Eddie rebandages his injuries with soft touches and calloused fingers.
“This is crazy. When Dustin said you were a badass, I thought he was saying it hypothetically. Not a monster fighting badass.” Eddie says, smirking up at him from where he’s kneeling.
“Oh wow, thanks for believing in me, Munson.” Eddie snorts, laughing quietly. Steve’s back is pressed against the bathroom sink as Eddie stands up.
“Seriously, sweetheart. That was amazing. But are you feeling good now? Not dizzy or anything?” Steve shakes his head as Eddie comes face to face with him. He’s still fiddling with the bandage, making sure it’s tight and secure. He looks so serious, so worried, and his heart jumps at the thought.
“Hey, Eddie.” Eddie hums in response, looking up from his fiddling, brown eyes meeting brown eyes.
“After all this shit is done and we’ve killed the evil wizard,” Eddie snickers, “Maybe… maybe we can go on a date?”
Eddie looks taken back for a second. Steve can see the words processing and loading in his mind so he spits out the next important information, “I am bisexual. I like girls and boys. Right now, I like one boy.” Steve points his finger at Eddie.
Surprisingly, Eddie breaks out with a teasing smile, “Is that so?”
Steve nods enthusiastically.
“Well then, what are we going to do on this date?”
Steve’s now smiling when he realizes Eddie’s just teasing him, “Well… We can go get milkshakes, maybe watch a movie in the drive-in, you can get drunk again, and I’ll carry you home again.”
Eddie bursts into laughter, loud enough that he could wake up anyone. Steve hushes him, a smile also dancing on his face, “Wow. That sounds lame.”
Steve fakes shock and insult, nudging Eddie.
“You’re lucky I like you too. I’ll take the milkshake with two straws.” Eddie smiles at him, that smile that Steve’s sure is only for him. It’s bright and warm.
Eddie reaches up, his hand moving the hair out of Steve’s face. He’s moving closer, and Steve feels like the world has halted to a stop, moving insanely slowly to give them time to savour the moment, like the universe itself is giving them a second to take a break from all the chaos, a small gift.
“How is your hair still perfect?” Eddie whispers, stopping just an inch from Steve’s lips. Their breaths mingling with each other.
“It’s Farrah Fawcett Spray.” For a second, Eddie breaks out with the brightest smile he’s ever seen, his dimples dipping into his cheek, his eyes dilating in delight. Eddie cups his face, caressing it softly in his hand like he’s holding the whole universe in his hands.
“God, I love you.” Eddie breathes out, leaning down and kissing him hesitantly.
The world’s ending tomorrow, the kids are all sleeping in the living room, and Steve just finished bleeding from his sides. This kiss shouldn’t be anything special, but it’s Eddie. Eddie holds him with adoration and devotion and so much tenderness. It’s Eddie, and it’s an earth-shattering, earth-ending kiss that makes his toes curl and his heart aches for more. Eddie’s kiss is gentle and affectionate, sending every kiss with love signed with his name. The time slows down as they let the kiss take over every vein and cell in their bodies.
When they pull apart, when time around them resumes, Eddie’s smiling again, leaning his forehead on Steve’s.
“I love you. I don’t think I said it because you kissed the hell out of me.” Eddie rolls his eyes at Steve’s response, cheeks pink in happiness and glee.
“I love you, Steve Harrington,” Eddie announces to the two of them, kissing every square inch of Steve’s face.
“I love you.” Steve laughs as Eddie peppers him with kisses.
When the daylight catches up with them, they look for weapons, steal an RV and set base and create weapons. Steve tells Robin, and Robin just sighs, saying, “Finally. I can stop watching the pining.”
They get ready for battle. Steve gives Lucas, Erica, and Max a kiss on the head. In any other situation, they might have acted disgusted or annoyed. This time, Lucas gives him a hug, Erica smiles at him gratefully, and Max gives him a kiss on the cheek and a hug. They go to Eddie’s trailer again, passing weapons from one dimension to another.
When it’s time to go to Vecna’s lair, Steve stops, looking back at two of the most important people in his life.
“Hey, guys, listen, if things here start to go south. I mean, at all, you abort.” He pauses, looking at Dustin and Eddie, the fear that this might be the last time he’s seeing them cruising in his veins, “Okay? Draw the attention of the bats. Keep 'em busy for a minute or two. We'll take care of Vecna.”
There’s a moment of silence before he continues, “Don't try to be cute or be a hero or something. Okay? You guys are just…”
“Decoys.” Dustin continues, rolling his eyes, “Don't worry. You can be the hero, Steve.”
“Absolutely. I mean, look at us. We are not heroes.” Eddie adds, smiling at him with an encouraging smile. He’s trying to calm Steve down, and it makes Steve fall in love more.
“You both come out of this alive. I will learn how to play D&D.” Dustin gapes as Eddie lights up.
“Oh, you’re on!” Eddie smiles. Steve gives him a nod before turning his back before he chickens out and joins the girls.
“Hey, Steve?” Eddie calls out. Steve stops, turning back as Eddie walks up to him and latches his lips onto his. He can vaguely hear Dustin gasping and Robin snickering in the background, but everything fades away as Eddie kisses him with so much fervour. It means so much, and Steve can read every message. Stay safe, come back to me, stay alive, come back to me, don’t do anything stupid, come back to m—
Eddie pulls away, a small smile on his face, “You owe me a date, Harrington.”
Steve reaches up to cup his warm cheek, caressing it, “You stay alive, and I’ll carry you home.”
Eddie laughs, pushing him away before waving goodbye, “Make him pay.”
Steve nods one last time before heading to the Creel house with the girls.
They arrive at the house, and things go to shit. He can feel it, the way the vines choke him out, while the last thing he sees is Robin choking in front of him. When they actually drop, they’re all burning with actual rage. Steve and Robin non-stop throw Molotovs at Vecna as Nancy shoots him straight to the head. Vecna’s dead before he can even step towards them.
Vecna’s dead. Steve’s sure because his head is in Nancy’s backpack. They walk back to the trailers with relieved smiles until they hear Dustin’s cries and screams.
Oh, god. Oh, god. Oh, god.
Not his brother. Not Dustin. No.
“Dustin!?” Steve screams, stepping over dead bats as he falls beside Dustin, “Are you hurt!?”
“No! No! Eddie!” Dustin finally moves away, and there laid down on the ground, is Eddie.
Jesus fucking Christ.
“Eddie. Eddie. Oh god. Nancy, Nancy, first aid kit, please!” Steve chokes out, cradling Eddie’s body to his as Robin pulls Dustin off the ground into her arms. Nancy’s taking out bandages, applying pressure everywhere, anywhere.
There’s too much blood. His hands are shaking with red stains.
“Eddie. Eddie!” Steve shakes him awake, and Eddie opens his eyes just enough to see him.
“Steve, you came back,” Eddie says, smiling with blood all over his jaw.
“I need you to stay awake. I am going to bring you to the hospital, okay? Fuck!”
Eddie’s shaking his head, “No. I am sorry, baby. I didn’t listen.”
Steve clenches his eyes close as tears start clawing their way out of his eyes, “I know. You did what you had to do. Now, stay alive so we can go to the hospital.”
Eddie shakes his head again, “No. I— I won’t make it.”
“What do you mean!? Don’t say that!” Steve cries, looking at Nancy across from him and meeting her eyes. She looks heartbroken and angry all at once as she shakes her head.
“Steve, sweetheart, look at me.” Steve looks down at the love of his life, all blood and scars, still with a smile on his face.
“I love you.” Steve shakes his head, sobbing on his shoulders as prays for the first time in his life.
“I am going to have to take a rain check on that date.” Steve lets his hand fall on Eddie’s face cradling it in his hands as he pushes away hair out of his face.
“It’s not rain check when you’re dead.” Steve snarks back, making Eddie laugh and cough blood.
“God, I love you. I will find you in my next life. We’ll buy m—milkshakes, one glass, t—two straws.” Eddie uses all of his strength to reach up and cup Steve’s face, Steve instinctively leaning in to the touch.
“I want you in this one. Not the next one. This one, Eddie.” Eddie smiles at him, it’s sad and mournful, and Steve wants to rip it off his face.
“I am sorry.”
Eddie looks up at him, and he looks so tired and exhausted, like the only reason he’s still alive is because Steve’s still holding onto him.
“The next one, Munson. Okay? The next life. You find me. Okay?” Eddie nods at him, smiling, holding up his pinky finger, Steve hooking their shaking pinky fingers together.
“I love you, Steve Harrington.”
“I love you. I love you. I love you.”
Steve leans down to kiss him on his lips, pulling away when he feels Eddie smiling against it as he pulls away.
“Carry me home, sweetheart?”
Eddie smiles, closing his eyes slowly as his hand falls away from Steve’s cheek.
Steve only lets himself sob when he’s gone, wailing and screaming as he holds Eddie’s body against his. He tries to think about the last time he held him and how warm Eddie has been. How long until he’s cold? How long until he forgets how it felt to have his warmth beside him? How long until he doesn’t even remember how Eddie sounded? How long until he forgets?
“I’ll carry you— you— anywhere, anytime you want, Eddie.”
***
Steve lays there, crying quietly as he remembers that night.
“The next one, huh? I swear to God if you don’t find me, Munson. You still owe me a milkshake.”
Steve closes his eyes and thinks of what could've been. Let's himself have that one moment of what if's? He thinks of moving to Chicago and getting a house big enough for Nancy, Robin and Eddie. He thinks about multiple milkshake dates. He thinks of Eddie graduating, walking across the stage with his bright smile, diploma in hand. He thinks of going back to Hawkins with his group of friends for the kids graduation, Eddie by his side. He thinks of Eddie in an apartment, strumming his guitar as Steve lies beside him in bed. He thinks of Eddie, tears in his eyes as he holds Dustin and Suzie's son for the first time and finds out he's named after him. He thinks of proposing to Eddie when the same-sex marriage finally becomes legal. A small wedding with all the people they love. He thinks of them both fifty, growing older in their skins, still sharing one milkshake with two straws.
He thinks of what could've been, what he could've had in this lifetime.
“I’ll promise to live this one happily, Eddie. I promise I’ll be happy. But in the next one, I just want— no, need to be with you, okay?” Steve pats the old tree as a soft wind peals his way.
He smiles softly, closing his eyes as he lets the wind envelop him like a familiar hug, a familiar confirmation, a familiar reminder.
He’s always with Eddie.
"In the next one, okay?"
Steve walks back to his car, feeling lighter than ever. He peels off the sweater he’s been wearing, his shirt riding up and his hand grazing over his tattoo.
It’s small, written in Eddie’s handwriting, that he pieced together from various old campaigns so he can get the sentence together. It’s sitting just below his ribs, above scars that match Eddie’s, something he carries all the time.
Carry me home, sweetheart?
He lets his fingers brush over it. Familiar and grounding. Always with him.
Steve smiles, letting the car roar back to life, and backing out of the cemetery as he lets the song loop in his car again.
“I’ll carry you anywhere, anytime, Eddie.”
Like a drum, my heart never stops beating for you
I'll love you long after you're gone, gone, gone