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There was an aching pain in Merlin’s heart. He did not want to show it, but the knights’ words had hurt him. He knew that he was a servant, less than, but hearing it made it true. He knows the knights were enchanted, he knows that they didn’t mean it, he knows that they care for him.
He knows. He knows. He knows.
But … but what if they had meant it.
Shut up. You know they didn’t.
But what if they did?
Time and time again it was reminded to Merlin that he was worth less, his opinions were worth less. Merlin was reminded every-time Arthur did not listen to what he had to offer. Every time his advice was ignored.
There was an aching pain growing in Merlin’s heart. It had been growing since Lancelot had stepped into the veil. Or maybe it had started with Morgan, or with Balinor, or with Freya, or with Will. Maybe it started when he had come to Camelot, maybe it had always been there.
It was too much. Merlin felt the pressure of his duties, of his destiny, and bit by bit it was breaking him apart.
The knights had gotten checked by Gaius, they would make a speedy recovery and all would be good and everyone would move on and Merlin would be fine.
He’ll be fine. Everything will be fine.
Or maybe it wouldn’t and he’d fall apart.
“Merlin, my boy,” Gaius called, “come here and let me make sure you’re fine.”
“I’m fine, honestly.”
“Come on, I’ll be the judge of that”
“Gaius, I’m fine.”
And he was. He was fine. He was.
“Merlin.”
Merlin looked at Gaius and knew he was better off just letting Gaius look him over. Merlin went into the hut that Gaius had set up shop in and sat down. The knights were all still unconscious lying on the cots.
“Will the knights be alright?” Merlin knew the answer but just needed to fill the silence.
“Yes, they’ll be fine. Not much physical damage, but it’s hard to say how they are emotionally and mentally.”
Right, emotionally.
“Any injuries I should know about,” Gaius asked with his eyebrow raised.
“I’m telling you I’m fine, I’m fighting fit,” He grinned, hopefully, that would be enough to convince Gaius.
It wasn’t.
He started to poke and prod Merlin. When Gaius touched Merlin’s back, Merlin couldn’t hold back his wince.
Please don’t notice. Please, please, please.
“Pull up your shirt”
“Honestly it’s nothing, I’m fine.”
But Gaius was already pulling his shirt up.
“It doesn’t look fine,”
Merlin felt like the air had been knocked out of him, and he couldn’t respond. He just stared at the ground as Gaius got the salve and started to apply it to his back.
“What happened my boy?”
“Nothing honestly, the knights were enchanted and they got a little aggressive, said some stuff. The Lamia had some sort of effect on them. I’m fine.”
He was.
So then why did he feel hollow?
Once Gaius was done he sat next to Merlin. Gaius didn’t say anything and they sat in silence together. Merlin still hadn’t looked up, he felt ashamed at how weak he felt, how he was upset at the knights.
They were enchanted. They couldn’t control themselves.
Gaius broke the silence first, “What did they say to you.”
Merlin whipped his head to look at Gaius, “What?”
“You said the knights said some stuff,” He said it gently like he was scared that he would spook Merlin, “What did they say.”
“Nothing, I promise.”
Nothing that isn’t true.
“Merlin what did they say,” he presses gently.
Merlin was gonna break. This would be the moment. How could he not? Because this was all too much and there was nothing he could do. Merlin went back to looking at the floor, his back hunched.
“Nothing, they just,” Merlin started, but couldn’t finish because it was getting hard to breathe, because his throat was closing up, because his eyes were watering, because Gaius cared and was so gentle.
He didn’t deserve this kindness. But Gaius was giving it and Merlin wanted it.
Merlin let out a shaking breath, “Nothing,” Merlin tried again, “just said stuff about how I’m a servant. Nothing really.”
If it was nothing then why were his eyes watering, why were his hands shaking, why was it getting hard to breathe?
Why, why, why.
Gaius said nothing, he was probably going to tell Merlin to man up, to get over it, to not make such a big deal about it. But he didn’t. He put his arms around Merlin’s hunched form and pulled him in for a hug.
And Merlin couldn’t take it. Merlin was going to tell Gaius it was okay, that he was fine, that Merlin was too old for this, and that Gaius was especially too old for this. Merlin was a grown man, not a child that needed to be coddled, but he didn’t.
Instead, Merlin wrapped his arms around Gaius and let out a shaking sob. Gaius patted his back to console him, and Merlin couldn’t hold back his sobs. Because it was all too much.
“Let it all out, it’s all going to work out.”
But what if it didn’t, what if it all went to shit, what if the knights meant it, what if Merlin failed. Merlin couldn’t stop crying, it was as if a dam had been released.
He must have fallen asleep because the next thing he knew Gwen was waking him up, “We’re having dinner, I thought you might want to have some,” she said handing him a bowl of stew. And if she noticed the disheveled state Merlin was in she didn’t say anything. Merlin took the bowl and Gwen sat next to him.
“Thank you,” Merlin said bumping her shoulder.
They sat side by side eating in silence. And when they were both finished Gwen took the bowls and put them to the side.
She looked at him and said, “Thank you, Merlin.” And Merlin felt his throat tighten, all he could manage was a nod. She smiled and gave him a hug, “You really saved me back there, I don’t know what I would’ve done without you.”
Merlin wanted to say how Gwen had saved him back there, how her presence had kept him sane, but he couldn’t because his eyes were watering, because it was getting hard to breathe. All he could manage was a shaking nod and that was enough for her.
She picked up the dishes and said, “Getting some rest, we’re leaving bright and early tomorrow.” And with that, she was gone.
Merlin laid back down and hoped Gaius was right, that it would all work out.