keep your demons on a leash

by sharpbluejay

Summary:

Dick has to work through all his memories from universes long gone and therefore remembers his complicated relationships with the Wilsons, all of them.

Notes:

This fits Day 1: Dick Grayson Has Issues | Reluctant Soulmates

I wanted to play with Death Metal’s everything is canon and everyone remembers everything but in an angsty way. This is another draft from a year ago that I finally finished. I started this right after Infinite Frontier started (and I didn’t know what a shit show that would be so disregard some things). 

There was an older lady who lived on his block. Every morning, she would take a walk with her fluffy yappy small dog, wearing a cute sun hat on her head and a smile on her face. She’s been in Bludhaven long enough to see the neighborhood change, to see families come and go, to see countless kids die.

The day Dick remembered her dying made him stop dead in the middle of the sidewalk, blood draining from his face. It was clear, just like every other memory that insisted on living inside of him and sticking in his brain, just like every universe that he didn’t call home but wanted to make itself known in him anyway. Her neck twisted, blood dripping from her chest. Nightwing wasn’t there to help her. It was too late; she was cold before he even got to her; he was a—

“Is something the matter, sweetie?” she asked him and he blinked, and smiled at her, all teeth, nice and wide. 

“I’m good Mrs. Gardena,” He said. Distracted her by getting her to tell him a story about her grandchild, sent her on her way, pressed himself to an alley wall, and had to take deep breaths. 

“Never let your audience down.” His mother had said once, twice? A few times.

Because all the memories were there, overwhelmingly so if he sat down cross-legged in his apartment, and focused, he could even make them start to make sense. He could pull out a very clear memory of him finding out Jason died, he could pull out Bruce punching him for not being there, he could pull out Bruce saying, “it should have been you,”.

“Is there any universe where you live?” He asked Jason. It just tumbled out his mouth, and Jason looked up at him with those bright green eyes from where he was on the floor cleaning his guns (and it was comfortable, familiar, Jason always came back to them, a little like this, no matter what).

“Sometimes,” He said quietly, rolled his shoulders back, and seemed to be picking his thoughts. “I become a priest in one.” (Dick was always a vigilante first, always.)

“Did you like that?” Jason smiled and Dick could so clearly see the boy he used to be (blonde, red-headed, black).

“I think so.” He ran a hand through his curly hair, his little white curl making itself known. “I liked helping people.” 

Out of them all, he thought that Jason was actually handling it the best. 

It had happened to him before. This saving the universe, going home, and then trying to process what the fuck just happened, but never on this scale and he died before, in this universe. 

When they got back, it was still far too empty and quiet without Alfred there to greet them. Bruce just looked at them. Dick couldn’t help but wonder what version of them he saw, because he just stared at them, his eyes dark and heavy. He didn’t reach out, his hands clenched into fists at his side. He just walked away, his cape swirling behind him. 

Duke was the first one to go after him, his suit bright, Cassandra right on his heels. Their sun and moon. 

Tim threw up, put his hand out to stop them from coming any closer, and just retched into the bin until his stomach was empty. Stephanie stood against the wall, looking at him, unsure if she should get closer. 

Dick pulled Damian to him and didn’t let go, just held him, focused on how right it felt to have him in his arms, tried to remember every other time that he’s done this, never wanted to let go and Damian, Damian hugged back, hard and tight and if Dick looked down, he might see that the wetness on his suit was from Damian crying but he didn’t. He just wished that they could stay like that forever. 

But eventually, Dick had to let go, and the world had to go back to normal. 

He went back to his city. 

It was like patrolling a ghost. Sometimes he took a breath in and expected radiation to be sitting in his lungs. Sometimes he looked over his shoulder and expected to see Desmond’s hulking frame in his shadow. 

The day he processed Catalina, he got in his shower and didn’t get out. Just sat under the cold spray and tried so hard to forget her again, tried to forget doing nothing to stop her, pressed his face into his hands, and felt his body shake on the tiled floor. 

When the water turned off, he blearily blinked up, and met a frown and bright green eyes. “Little Wing,” He tried to say, as his brother dried his hair off, and remarked about how freezing cold his body was, as he wrapped him up and pushed him into his bed. “You don’t have to,”

“Shut up,” Jason grumbled. Not half as mean as he probably intended it, worry so damn clear in his voice. “You and the demon brat are both like this, pretending like everything is fine, everything is still the same.” There was a hand in his hair and Dick’s eyes fluttered close from the heat of it on his scalp. “You’re not supposed to let it get this bad.” 

“Is Damian okay?” He asked, and heard Jason groan. 

“Listen to me. Call someone, Dickhead,” His brother said. “Don’t go drowning yourself.” 

“Needed her off of me. Had to get clean.” He didn’t mean to say that, but he was sinking deeper into his bed, chasing the warmth of the covers. 

“You’re clean, Dickie,” He heard Jason say, quieter, as if he didn’t mean for Dick to even hear it. “If you get sick, I swear,” That was louder, and he knew Jason said more, but it was hard to hear in his sleep. 

He woke up to a clean apartment, which wasn’t really surprising. Jason used cleaning as a coping mechanism. His room had always been spotless after a panic attack and had always been the most helpful to Alfred when Dick could be convinced to show up for family dinners. There’s food in his fridge and a note about not patrolling until his fever drops. 

Jason was such a good kid. 

That was an example of the worst days. He processed Terry fully and his eye hurt to the point that he couldn’t go on patrol. He pulled an eyepatch on and couldn’t look at himself in the mirror until the ache went away.

He processed forming the Titans for the first time and called Garth. They stayed on the phone for hours. Even though tears drip down his nose, they didn’t stop talking, and the nostalgia that dripped from their mouths seeped into his bones and made him feel warm for hours afterward. 

He patrolled with Tim. 

“You already knew,” He told him when they stopped on a rooftop. Tim wasn’t Robin right now, but he was not any of the other names Dick could remember in his head. He wore red and black, a long cape, had deep shadows under his eyes before he put his domino on, and Dick was the last person to lecture someone about lack of sleep right now, so he didn’t. 

“Not all of it.” He said, didn’t lie to him. “Just enough to remember Steph and Kon,” Soulmates. Only Tim would love two people so much he broke through the universal barrier. Maybe that’s why his own memories of Donna were so strong, so clear, and bright. “Didn’t remember all of you.” 

Something in him broke hearing that, because there were very clear memories he had of him, Bruce and Tim huddled around the computers, of Alfred behind them. They had long years together, Nightwing and Robin and Oracle. He looked at Tim and thought Brother, thought of hearing his laugh as they sparred. 

“Come here,” He said. Tim wasn’t a kid anymore, hadn’t been for so long, but he was still so small and he folded in Dick’s arms when he hugged him to his chest and shook. Dick had no idea what memories were torturing his younger brother, couldn’t imagine what lifetimes the other boy was carrying, and remembered thinking that the Joker had taken him from them and losing it. 

“I missed you,” Tim said quietly, and Dick just held him tighter. 

“I’m here,” Dick said back and meant it. 

The worst part of it all is that for the first time in years, Dick felt present. He was fighting better than he ever had. He could see his parents teaching him how to fly so clearly, could see Bruce showing his nine-year-old self how to form a punch, choked someone out with his legs and thought Dinah taught him that, threw someone through a wall and well that was all Slade. Which was a bit of a problem. 

It wasn’t like he was running from the memories, did feel like they caught up to him when she knocked on his door. 

“Rose,” He said when he opened up the door and he felt like his chest hurt as she laughed with pearly white teeth and warm brown skin. It was her, curly white hair more recognizable than anything, but he also saw her younger and wild beside him and also older, one of his Titans. 

“What’s up?” she said, her brown eyes (both of them) glinting in the light of the hallway. “Renegade.” And just like that, everything came crashing down. The mirth in her eyes vanished the more that she looked at him, and it got a little harder for him to breathe. 

“Get in here,” he finally said, glad that his voice came out steadier than it is.

“Jason said I could stop by,” were the first words out of her mouth once she was in the apartment. Right, they dated? Maybe. “Said something about talking some sense to you.” 

“He’s worried about me,” He said and she shrugged. “But you’re not here for that,” and she nodded.

“I did want to talk to you.” She said, a frown overtaking her features. “Figured that you, of all people, would know how it is, might be able to help.” 

“With what?” He felt distant from himself, watched as she stood in his living room and shifted from one foot to another. Her shoes are orange and blue, just like her father’s old suit. 

“It’s all conflicting in your head, right, the memories?” And she was the first person to admit it to him. Jason just grumbled and stood by patiently as they tried to figure themselves out, but Rose squared her jaw and waved her hand, and said, “That feeling like you wanna call people and they aren’t even there, they don’t even exist anymore,” She swallowed. 

“Jason’s helping a little but,” He frowned. “He didn’t know those people, Titans Tower doesn’t even really,” she pushed her hair back. “I don’t know if you heard, but they’re making a school. An academy named after Red Arrow.” He had heard, had listened to Donna as she explained why she wanted him by her side. She dipped her head. “I was going to go straight there, see if anyone I remembered would be there, but uh, Eddie died, in the same thing that took Harper and I didn’t even know.” She wiped at her face, but it was dry. Dick can feel tears in his own eyes. Any mention of Roy made his heart seize, made his fight-or-flight instincts kick into overdrive. 

(He understood that was just his body running from the pain, but it hurt so badly, made him want to close his eyes and forget all over again.)

“I figured that you would know what to say.” She said. “Because you always gave the best rallying speeches, always had a plan, and even after everything he did to you, you still tried to make me good, still tried to make sure that I could be a hero.” Her shoulders shook. “You didn’t have to.”

“Rose,” He started, had never been good at calling her Ravager because she wasn’t that, wasn’t Grant and never could be. “I didn’t make you a hero. That was all you. You always had it inside of you.” He said, holding his arms out. “You could always be more than what he wanted from you,” she looked away from him. 

“You don’t even know what I’ve done this time around,” she said. “How many people I’ve hurt, I tried to be him,” She wrapped her arms around herself, looked like the 15-year-old girl Slade had dropped on his doorstep, looked like the twelve-year-old that just wanted to go home. 

“That’s all in the past,” He said and she laughed sadly. 

“Is it?” 

She stayed the rest of the day with him and slept on his couch. He cooked dinner for her, sat across from her as she talked about working with Two-Face, about Tanya and Wally. Mentioned Tara, her cheeks darkening with a blush. 

“Joey, he’s alive, right?” He asked her right before she left, had to know but didn’t have the courage, and she just looked at him. 

“He lives in L.A with his boyfriend,” and there was something sharp there. “Doesn’t suit up much. He’s basically a civilian.” 

“Is he happy?” And she scoffed. 

“I doubt it,” Didn’t expand. She kissed his cheek before she went, let him hug her. 

And Dick did what he did best, kept moving. Kept fighting for his city. They built a statue in his honor and he knows that they used stolen funds to build it, but he didn’t fight. Gave a silly speech about everyone working together, shook the hand of the Mayor, and pretended like he was not going to try to catch the man embezzling. It felt like home. 

He went back to Gotham. Bruce still wasn’t talking to them, had shut himself up in the cave. An old friend of his in a white cape swept in. Dick saw that they were fighting together on the news. Figured that Bruce would come to terms with it all in his own time and Dick would be there, waiting for him.

Barbara had reclaimed the clock tower and had called Dinah and Helena. “We’re going to call ourselves the Birds of Prey,” she whispered to him with a sly smile. 

There were two Batgirls in Gotham, with two different styles. Cass still believed in Bruce, in what Batman meant to the people. And Steph was still fighting for girls like her. Sometimes they fight together, sometimes they don’t. Steph came to Bludhaven once and walked around with him.

“Why did I never come here?” She asked. He bumped her shoulder. 

“Maybe you were just waiting for the right time.”

Some rouges seemed to come back to life while others faded away. Harvey was trying to actively practice law again. Selina was running around with a gaggle of strays. They all still carried antidotes on them for fear toxin and Ivy’s pollen. But Harley and Ivy were mostly doing their own thing, and Crane stayed in the shadows. 

In Bruce’s absence, Dick Grayson Wayne went to galas for Wayne Industries. Tim stood next to him. Bruce’s sons. He shook hands and smiled. Luke Fox nodded at him from across the floor. And that was when he saw her.

Adeline Kane stood with security contractors, chatting with them with a sharp smile. She was wearing a green dress, and her hair was darker than he remembers, with a white streak through her curls. He stopped dead in his tracks, could so clearly remember her sitting across from him offering to tell Slade’s story, and remembered watching her die. He swallowed. She saw him and her smile grew. 

“Mr. Grayson,” she said like they were friends, pulled him into a shadowy corner. “It’s been a long time.” Words stuck in Dick’s throat as she tilted her head to look at him. “You looked like you’ve just seen a ghost.”

“Ms. Kane,” And the words fall out of his mouth, “You look well,” He said when other words fail.

“Don’t be so formal,” she said. “We did work together, after all.” Her smile shifted. “And my son loved you all so much.” Her voice was like steel. “You were his family, which meant that for his sake, I had to keep you safe, even when it got in my way,” she laughed lightly. “And let us not pretend like you personally weren’t involved, Dick,” He opened his mouth to protest. 

“You were there for it all,” she said, speaking over him. “the deaths of both of my sons and even mine,” 

“Addie,” he said sharply. They were still in public. 

“It feels like yesterday to me,” she said. “You were part of so much of my life until you weren’t.” another bitter chuckle. “Funny how you don’t even realize what’s missing until you have it back.” And he didn’t say it, but he thought she sounded a lot like Rose in the moment. A little lost, a little desperate for things to start making sense.

“I know how hard it is,” He finally said. “I feel like I can see ten different versions of you and I don’t remember meeting you in this one, but we had to because we still defeat him and—”

“Some things never change,” she said. “I always shoot him.” her words were low like a confession. “So many years of my life wasted and there are no universes where we’re happy,” 

“I didn’t get many happy memories either,” he said, bitterness settling in his gut. “Especially not when it comes to Slade.” Addie tilted her head and squinted her eyes.

“But you did get some,” And there’s a sinking feeling in Dick’s chest. “He was always fond of you,”

“Please, Addie,” holds his hand up. “Don’t.” The Slade that Dick knew was dead, several universes over. He didn’t know the one now. There was nothing personal between them. 

“He’s not the same person he was,” she said almost grudgingly. “He’s changed too.” 

“He’s still Slade,” Dick said, didn’t quite know what name to give the emotion in his chest. “Knowing him, he’s changed for the worse.” She did not fight him on that one.

He folded her arm into his and they made their rounds. Addie had always been a talented conversationalist, and that was proven true here, as she schmoozed with politicians while telling Dick about the life she was living now. She talked to him about working with Tara and Rose. “They’re good girls,” she said. “Don’t tell Rose I said that.” 

She hugged him before she left him, and held him tight. Pressed Joey’s address into his hands. “He would want to see you,” she said.

“I don’t know when I’ll be over there,” He said helplessly, and she just fixed him with a firm, stern look. 

“You’ll make time.”  

He was practically useless the rest of the night, relying on Tim, who seemed to be deep in thought himself. They leave together, Dick’s arm slung over his brother’s shoulders. (And an elated part of him cheered every time he thought brother, and it made sense). 

“Are you going back to Bludhaven?” Tim asked.

“Do you want me to?”

They end up at Tim’s apartment. It’s small. 

“Used to be one of Jason’s safe houses,” He said. “I’ve been renovating it.” He couldn’t remember where Tim had been staying before all of this. The building didn’t look bad, could use a little work, but Dick could see the vision. “I needed a space to figure some things out, and when my friends come into town, wanted a place they could come.” 

“Have they come?” And something like a blush was on Tim’s face (Tim never blushed).

“They’ve been around,” he said, with a wave of his hand. 

They end up playing video games until the early morning. Tim fell asleep against his shoulder. It feels like old times. 

Bruce called him Robin when he dared venture into the cave.

Dick returned to Bludhaven. 

He didn’t get around to going to the West Coast to see Joey but stuck his address on his fridge. Kory smiled when she saw it and stuck a photo of the Titans right beside it. He couldn’t remember taking the picture, Donna and Roy leaning on his shoulders, Wally a blur in the background, Vic, Gar, and Raven with smiles on their face. He couldn’t remember exactly when they fell apart in this universe. 

Hugging Kory still felt like going home and he had Tamaranean words in his head that he knew she had worked tirelessly with him to get the pronunciation right. He could still hear the lullaby she sang Mar’i to sleep, could still see himself growing old beside her.

It felt like an old wound being picked at the deeper he tried to dig into the memories with her. There were so many years, so many lives between when they thought they were going to marry each other and now. So many people who they had lost. 

She kissed him before she left, just a press of her lips against his skin, her body as warm as he remembered, her green eyes as bright as they’d always been. 

“Some of the league members have been by the academy,” she said, a warning deep in her voice. “They seem interested in this new generation and they might come to you.” Dick had a feeling that this was going to happen. Superman was off-planet, Diana had been missing and Bruce was losing his mind in the cave while the threats to Earth were not waiting for them to come back. 

“You’ve led them before,” she said with an incline of her head.

“That was a long time ago,” 

“Do you think that matters now?” and then she was gone. Dick did not go after her.  

She was right. He was at the watchtower sooner rather than later. It was an invasion from a species that refused to be reasoned with. One of the Lanterns was taking point, so he was standing a little away from the main table, listening, ready to chime in if he had to but was comfortable holding back.

Gradually, as more and more heroes arrived at the Watchtower, Dick found himself surrounded by Titans and Tim’s friends and even the younger ones that had run for Damian for that period of time. And they were all looking to him. 

It was not a new feeling, that sense of leadership. Donna stood beside him and as they hashed out the plan with the rest of the league, Dick had no problem speaking up on behalf of the Titans and no one stopped him.

Right before the heroes started breaking out into their separate forces, Dick was stopped by a gentle hand on his shoulder. 

“Hi Nightwing,” Joey signed, and Dick’s heart fell out of his chest. The other man stood in an altered form of the original Jericho costume. His curly hair had been cut short, but his green eyes were still as bright as they’d always been. He had no sideburns.

“Jericho,” Dick said. “Rose said you were out,”

“Hard to be out,” the man signed (and Dick couldn’t remember even learning sign language in this universe, but he understood every word). “When you get messages, saying aliens are taking over and anyone who can fight should come,”

“But you have a life outside of this.” Dick had looked him up after Addie, had gone through everything he could find on Joey, had marveled at what he had managed to build and hold on to even after countless tragedies. 

“You used to be my life.” Joey signed with a firm nod, and Dick froze. “The Titans, saving as many people as we could. I didn’t forget.” He smiled, but there was a tinge of sadness to it. “I missed you,” shrugged his shoulders, hands gesturing to the bustling watchtower around them. “missed this.” 

“I missed you too,” Dick said, his voice dying in his throat. Looking at Joey was like looking at a ghost, like looking at the sun. It was killing him, it was refreshing him. 

“We gotta go stop those aliens, but we’ll catch up afterward, right?” And Dick could do nothing but nod, caught in the sharp smile of Joey’s determination.

“Yes, we will.”

The Titans fought better together than they have in years. Dick thought it would be harder with all his overlapping memories of them in his head, but he could remember maneuvers from years ago and knew exactly when to duck to avoid being hit by one of his teammates’ moves. Donna’s sword glistened in the light. Joey was flying behind him, his entire body lit up in a glowing green. 

It felt so good fighting alongside them. It felt right. This is what the Titans were for, defending their home together from any threat that came their way. 

Afterward, Donna critiqued some of the students they had brought along, and pointed out what they could do better next time. Some of the others were already talking to journalists, coordinating with the local agencies to start on repairs.

Meanwhile, Dick and Joey fell into each other, dust and blood still on their costumes. Joey’s body shook with laughter as his hands moved at such a fast pace. There was so much he wanted to tell Dick, and Dick couldn’t look away. 

At one point, their foreheads pressed together as they stared into each other’s eyes and it felt like the last puzzle piece falling into place. Losing Joey broke something in him a long time ago and having him back, as himself, not having to worry about his powers corrupting him, started to repair that damage. 

“I think,” Joey signed when they separated. “I want to be a hero again,” A hesitant smile on his face. “I’m going to help at the school. Donna asked me to, so I’ll be closer to the other Titans. We’ll be able to work together. Will you come to visit us?” 

“Of course,” Dick said, pressing as close as he could to the other man, wrapping his arms around him tight. “Titans together, always, right?” 

“Always.” 

Going back to Bludhaven after that was one of the hardest things he’d done. Being an independent hero, protecting his city was important to him, but the Titans were his family and he had missed them so much. Didn’t realize what he had lost until he had it back. 

Joey was one of his best friends and he had simply been erased from their heads for years. Donna and Wally had ceased to exist in several of the universes. Roy was dead, Kory had forgotten them and when he was Ric, he had forgotten them. It made him livid. 

The Titans had deserved better. There was no way around that thought. They had been kids when this all started and the universe had failed them over and over again. 

Wally, who probably understood that best, just sat on the phone with him for hours after he tucked his kids in (kids he had lost for a long time) and breathed with him. 

“We’re finally getting older,” He said. “That’s a good thing.” 

And it was. Dick finally had a stable life, a city to protect, friends he could call on, and family he could reach out to. A future that he could look forward to. 

So of course, that was the moment that Slade Wilson came back into his life. 

It was late, and they met on a rooftop, dark Bludhaven around them.  

Slade was in an orange and black suit that flashed blue when the light hit it. It wasn’t the Ikon suit, wasn’t all that similar to Joey’s, but it wasn’t one of his old suits either. It was like an amalgamation of all the people that Deathstroke had been. An enemy, a friend, an ally. 

Neither of them spoke, taking each other in. There were so many emotions welling up in Dick’s chest, words choked out before they could get past his lips. 

He was a vigilante who was known for always knowing exactly what to say and standing in front of Slade, for once, he had nothing. 

So he did something he would have normally never done. He turned tail and ran. 

Deathstroke followed him. They jumped from rooftop to rooftop. He grappled where he could, but he could feel the mercenary close on his back. Dick hated how much it felt like old times, him messing up one of Slade’s jobs, when the stakes were lower and there wasn’t so much blood between the two of them. 

Slade tackled him from behind and they tumbled across the roof. Dick immediately began to fight back, squirming in the man’s grip, trying to find space to crack his weapons into the man’s head. Besides grunts, they were still so quiet. Neither of them speaking, just looking for a solid hold.

Dick managed to pull himself free, rolled to his feet, and then jumped straight off the roof. 

On foot, he continued his way to one of his safe houses. Didn’t bother looking behind him to see if Slade had managed to keep up.  

Once he reached it, it was nothing to open it, to try to get in before the other man could catch him, but Slade shoved him through the door, and then, while Dick was still recovering from the man’s suddenness, Slade slammed the door closed.

Dick didn’t realize how hard he was breathing until he stopped. Sweat was dripping down the Nightwing costume, his mask hanging on tight.

Slade pulled his mask off and Dick’s breath caught in his throat. 

The man hadn’t changed much. His hair was long, hanging by his ears, but it was still sliver, and had a slight curl. He still had an eyepatch and there was a hard glint in his other sliver-blue eye and he was frowning as he looked down on Dick. 

“Caught you,” he said. “You’re not normally the type to run away, Grayson.”  

“I have nothing to say to you,” Dick said, the amount of hateful anger welling up in his throat surprising even him. Slade smiled (it was not a nice smile.) 

“I think you do.” He said, offering his hand out. Dick ignored it, stood up, and took several steps away from the man. He wanted to get even further away, jump out of one of the windows, and disappear before the man could find him. 

“What are you even doing here?”

“I can’t want to see one of my favorite—”

“No,” Dick said, wrapping his arms around himself. “Don’t do that,” 

There was a serious slant to Slade’s body. He was unarmed, hands extended out. But Dick could see the anger simmering beneath the surface. He wasn’t scared, a similar fury roared inside of him alongside something else that he couldn’t quite identify. 

“Heard you saw Joe,” Slade said. “Finally got him out of L.A. Thanks for that,” Dick didn’t respond even as the man took slow steps towards him. “Rose is even back at the Tower. She’s never belonged there, so we’ll see how long it lasts this time.”

“Better there than with you,” Dick snapped. 

“You told her that the first time too,” Slade said, reaching a hand out to grip Dick’s chin and tilt his head up. Just like always, his grip was like steel and his eye was unreadable. Dick was a little stunned to realize that Slade looked younger than he had when they first met. The man peeled Dick’s mask off. “You also once told Wayne I was a good man,” He said.

Dick laughed (it was not a nice laugh) and shook the man off of him. “It was a lie back then too,” He said. “I can’t believe that we trusted you, that we were naïve enough to think that your love for Joey meant something,” 

“It did,” Defensive. “I had a line that I didn’t cross, a code I followed. And it wasn’t always about you, Grayson. Sometimes you were just in the way.”

“Don’t pretend like your code meant anything.” Dick snapped. “Where was your code, Slade, when you tried to kill us? When you manipulated us, got a fifteen-year-old girl killed? Where was it when Bludhaven got nuked?” 

“You know I didn’t do that,” Slade said, strangely insistent. “I’m not that type of person. You know that I wouldn’t go that far. I’m not that type of monster.” 

“I didn’t know,” Dick said, and they’re so close now, practically breathing on each other. “Because you did do all that, just to spite me,” he said. “Ruined my home, killed countless people. And for what, money?” Dick’s face was wet, and he wiped at it. 

“You say it wasn’t you, Slade? Doesn’t matter.” And the fury bleeds out of him, leaving nothing but exhaustion and a deep ache of past wounds. “I still have far more bad memories of you than I do good. There are so many lives where you just wanted to ruin me. Do you remember, Master?” He spat the word out, his fists clenched by his side. “You’ve always been a monster, Slade, and you’ve always been my monster.” A choked laugh fell out of his mouth.  

“Everywhere I turned, no matter what I did, you were there, manipulating the situation. Even dead, you haunted me.” His voice dropped. “I hated you more than anything,” Dick had once thought he could save everyone, but couldn’t remember the exact life where he figured out that Slade was beyond saving. 

“I considered you a friend.” Slade finally said. “You, Garfield, Harper. Even Troy. I wasn't plotting to kill you or anything like that. We had an understanding, you were my allies. You saved my life, and even my reputation once. Joey loved you like you were his family,” He chuckled. “You have to admit it was good, that one little moment in time.”

“Then you killed Joey.” And it had all gone downhill from there. Slade looked at him hard. 

“Joey has never died in this universe,” He said. 

Dick had no idea what to say to that. 

“I’m not telling you to forget,” Slade said, his mouth curving into a sneer. “And I’m never going to apologize for anything I’ve done.” Dick didn’t expect him to. “But look around you, Bludhaven is still standing, all your Titans are alive, hell you’re making more at that school of y'all's.” Dick wanted to say ‘except Roy,’ but didn’t interrupt. “I'm just saying, let the universes stay where they are. Let the past be the past. Nothing else is the same anymore, Grayson, not me, and not you either. You can feel it, can’t you?”

“Shut up,”

“We’re connected,” Slade said, reluctance deep in his voice. “Always have been. This whole lifetime has been weird, because you weren’t there, not really. You’ve been stuck to Gotham more than ever.” He tapped his temple. “I got a memory in here of me hunting you when you were Robin, and that's new, it never happened before. It’s like,”

“Something is trying to force us together whether we want it to. The universe is rewriting itself.” Slade nodded. 

“I’ve been ignoring it, but something has been pulling me here, to you, to this fucked up city.” He breathed out. “Don’t you want to know what it means?”

“No,” Dick said, rubbing at his face. “I don’t. Knowing I can never escape you, did you think that would be a comfort to me?” Slade reached out and snatched his wrist up, pulling him close. 

“Do you think I enjoy knowing I’m attached to some hero,” said like an insult. “who will always sacrifice himself no matter what? Your morality endangers you and all your little friends every single day. I don’t like this any more than you do Grayson, but it’s happening.” Something in Slade’s face softened even as his hand tightened. “Are you going to keep running from it?” 

And they were so close, he could see every wrinkle in Slade’s skin, could feel the power in the man’s grip, see the determination in his eye.

“I want to keep running,” Dick admitted, voice so quiet, but he knew the other man heard him. “I finally have a normal life here, Slade, something I can be proud of.”

“But you know it’s missing something,” He scoffed.

“And you think you’re the missing piece, after all you’ve done to me?” 

“I think the universe wants us to find out.” Slade let go of Dick’s wrist and held his hand out, palm up. “And despite everything, we’re both still here.” 

Dick didn’t take Slade’s hand, just crumbled into his couch. The mercenary sat on the other side and didn’t push. Memories were flashing through his head, so many full of blood and destruction, but his mind kept going back to one moment with Bruce.

That moment when Bruce called him to ask him that question about Slade. At the time, Slade had saved their lives, Joey had only died a few months prior, and they were all still grieving. But for the life of him, he couldn’t remember if he had said the words ‘good man’ or if Bruce had just taken what he said and come to that conclusion. But he knew whatever he said he’d meant, that he genuinely thought Slade was a man of honor, someone they could trust, that he was a good man. 

He looked at the man now, trying to see if the person he had trusted even still existed. It was a struggle.

“It would never be like it was,” Dick said. “I don’t think I could ever trust you again,” Something like hope bloomed in Slade’s eye. “I still have to think about this, whatever this is,”

“Take your time,” the man said. “I have a feeling that we’ll have plenty of it.” 

They don’t really say much more after that. Slade seemed content to just sit beside him, to breathe in the same air as him. 

“I’ll be in town for a while,” he said before he left. “I know you remember my number.” Dick did. “Call me.” Then he turned to go but Dick reached out, his hands brushing the back of the man’s armor.

“Slade,” met the man’s eye. “You’re really not sorry,” and it wasn’t a question, not really. He knew the answer.

“Never will be,” Dick snorted even as he frowned. He didn’t know what he expected. Slade gripped his chin and tilted his head up. “I like the person you are, Grayson and I don’t think you would be this person if it wasn’t for me.”

Dick pulled himself back from the man and slammed the door shut. Clutched at his thighs and tried to breathe.

This was such a bad idea and he was going to regret even considering this.

But he had never been a coward so he did try to find a place for Deathstroke, for Slade in this new life of his. Sometimes the man joined him for snacks after a late-night patrol. Sometimes they went out to restaurants and tried to just talk to each other like ordinary people. Joey came into town and all three of them went to a play together. It was decidedly normal.

Sometimes he still got flashes of his other lives and had to leave Slade mid-sentence because he could all too clearly see the murdering bastard of the man’s former lives sitting across from him. Sometimes it was Slade that left when Dick reminded him too much of the past. But the line drawing them back to each other never faded, thumped like a heartbeat.

All the while, Dick kept his city safe, talked with his family, didn’t fall into a cycle of isolation, and visited the Tower as often as he could. 

The Titans were going to build a better, safer world, no matter what it took. They were going to protect young heroes in a way they hadn’t been protected. And when the League called, Dick always answered.

He went back to Gotham and walked into the cave and Bruce could finally greet him as the man he was and not the boy he’d been. His father (his brother, his mentor, the man that had always been there for him) clutched at him when he hugged him. Dick could feel wetness on his shoulder but he held Bruce just as tight. He didn't know what memories were driving the other man insane (wondered how many times he remembered his parents and Jason dying, wondered how many of his memories were just of Dick's injuries) but Bruce never spoke of them, just starred at him with dark haunted eyes. He just needed time and like Slade said, they finally had it.

So most of all, Dick realized that he was kinda happy here, could see a future in front of him that he could protect, could walk in his city in the daylight with hardly any worries. It would never be Metropolis safe but Bludhaven could be better, Dick knew it. This meant that he could bump into a man with dark eyes that looked a little like Grant and apologize and not worry about it. 

Wait, what? Spun on his heels, reaching for the man that just passed him. 

“Grant?” 

Notes:

Thanks for reading. Comments are welcome. This has been my baby for over a year now. I have a lot of thoughts about them (Dick & the Wilsons) as evident from all of this. I will say, the Wilsons' story needs dick and the titans more than dick needs them, but I do like it when they are a part of dick’s story, Jericho should always be right next to Nightwing, they debuted together!!

This is in the tags but the media I reference includes: NTT/Deathstroke, Nightwing 1996, teen titans (animated), flashpoint, kingdom come, infinite frontier 1, Death Metal, Deathstroke: Rebirth, that recent backup in Batman 123 where deathstroke is hunting robin and the joker is there, BTAS and Batman Beyond, ghostmaker also has a brief appearance so I guess that Batman run as well, and heroes in crisis. There might be a few other refs in here, but I think that’s all.

Roy was supposed to come back to life in this, but I might write a follow-up with him and Dick and Jason. We’ll see. Thanks for reading! Comments are welcome and you can find me on twitter/tumblr @sharpbluejay!