Chapter 1: Stuck
Chapter Text
“Have you ever tried any of this?” Anakin asked as he motioned to the towers of wooden crates surrounding them.
Obi-Wan scoffed. “Of course not!”
“Haven’t you ever wanted to?”
“Not really.”
“Not even a tiny, tiny bit?”
“No, Anakin. Not even a tiny, tiny bit.”
Things were as alright as they could be given the current circumstances. Anakin and Obi-Wan had been dispatched on a vague lead to try and track down some spice traders who had been pirating the space surrounding the Outer Rim and selling deadly laced spice. They were successful in locating the dealer and were even more successful in getting blockaded inside of their makeshift clandestine storage cave, all thanks to some well-placed booby traps.
They’d managed, before getting trapped of course, to send an emergency comm to Coruscant, which was convenient because there was no signal from their position deep in the cave. Assistance was on the way and in a few rotations they’d be free. The pair had rations, water, a makeshift lamp and neither of them were injured, although Obi-Wan was rather grumpy.
The entire operation had proven to be rather ridiculous, when they realized that instead of the rumored deadly spice, they had located crates and crates of the recreational drug: Hutt Weed. It was not worth their time in the slightest. And now the two were trapped within a spacious cave with only each other’s company, a surplus of Hutt Weed and a flickering lamp between them.
It wasn’t an ideal situation, but based on their past experiences, it could have been much, much worse.
“Well, I’ve wondered what it would be like,” Anakin said as he picked up a bag of green clumps out of a crate and inspected it.
“I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that the last thing you need is to be on drugs, Anakin.”
“I don’t know if I’d consider this a drug.” It looked harmless enough. In fact, it was legal on a lot of planets. “It looks like a plant to me.”
“The Order considers it a drug.”
“The Order blows a lot of things out of proportion.”
“Now, Anakin, I hardly think tha–”
“Let’s try it.” He looked up at Obi-Wan, a maniacal smile slowly spreading on his face as the idea began to grow roots in his mind.
Obi-Wan’s mouth opened and closed several times, the dim lamplight exaggerating his shock. He finally settled on an emphatic: “No!”
“What else is there to do? We’re stuck here for at least two rotations.”
“Why do we always have to be doing something?”
“Come on, Obi-Wan! You know it’s harmless.”
“Anakin! It’s a…” Obi-Wan lowered his voice to a whisper, “drug!”
“Barely! It’s not like it’s laced spice or anything!” Anakin crushed a green clump in between his thumb and forefinger. “Look at it!”
Obi-Wan turned his head defiantly the other way. “I’ve seen it before.”
“Well I’m going to try it.”
Obi-Wan’s head shot back toward Anakin. “Have you lost your mind?”
Anakin smelled his fingers where he had crushed the clumps. “Not any more than usual,” he said and gave Obi-Wan his best crazed expression, complete with his tongue poking out the side of his mouth and crossing his eyes.
Obi-Wan rolled his eyes and looked the other way again.
“You must be afraid,” Anakin said quietly.
“Are you taunting me?” He was looking back at Anakin now, arms crossed and eyebrows raised in skepticism.
“No, I’m just stating a fact. You’re obviously afraid.”
“I’m not afraid! It’s just illegal!”
“It’s not illegal on Coruscant and that’s where your home of record is.”
Obi-Wan paused. “It’s illegal here. And that’s where we are at the moment.”
Anakin laughed. “What’s going to happen? You think the police are going to burst through the cave wall and arrest two Jedi?”
“It’s an abuse of our station.”
“Obi-Wan, you just need to relax.”
“I’d be a lot more relaxed if my former Padawan wasn’t trying to goad me into doing drugs with him!”
“I’d never, ever goad you!” Anakin dramatically said. “It’s just obvious that you’re afraid.” He shrugged.
“You have to be kidding me. You’re calling me a coward because I won’t do drugs with you?”
“Stop calling it drugs! It’s Hutt Weed! It’s a plant!” Anakin threw his arms down in exasperation. “And besides, you drink! You’ve been drunk before!”
“If you had you as a Padawan you’d drink too!”
“Well I think the effects of drinking are much more detrimental than the effects of Hutt Weed.”
Obi-Wan couldn’t really argue with that. He’d never had to break up a fight of Hutt Weed users, but he’d witnessed, or reluctantly, of course, participated in plenty of bar fights. He remained silent.
“Ha!” Anakin pointed at him, reveling in the point he had made. “Come on. What’s the worst that could happen?”
Obi-Wan said nothing.
“Please? It’ll be fun! Loosen up!”
Silence.
“So that’s a yes?”
Obi-Wan shrugged noncommittally.
Anakin jumped up excitedly! “Wizard!” He began digging in a crate.
“Do you even know how to do this?” Obi-wan asked incredulously.
“How hard could it be?”
Obi-Wan rubbed his face. “It scares me when you say that.”
Belting out a bark of laughter, he carried a handful of baggies over to where Obi-Wan was sitting cross legged on the dirt cave floor. After scanning their immediate surroundings, Anakin found a smooth rock near the cave wall, called it to him with the Force, and placed it in between them. One baggy opened with a small pop and he dumped its green leafy contents out gently onto the rock.
“I think we just light it on fire and breathe in the smoke,” Anakin said as poked at and considered the pile of green in front of them.
Obi-Wan shrugged, still acting noncommittal. “If you say so.”
A shock of blue illuminated the space as Anakin ignited his lightsaber. Obi-Wan leaned back on his palms as Anakin touched the blade gently to the pile of Hutt Weed. It caught fire immediately. Anakin got on his hands and knees, brought his face close to the smoldering lump, and frantically tried to breathe it in. The smoke dissipated into the air as Anakin unsuccessfully panted.
“That was embarrassing,” Obi-Wan said as he stood up. “That obviously isn’t how they smoke it.”
Anakin looked thoughtful. “Maybe you’re right.” He sat back on his butt and crossed his legs again. “This appears to be more challenging than I thought.”
Obi-Wan crossed his arms against his chest and stroked his beard with his right hand. “What if we roll it up into something and smoke it like that? Like a death stick?” He began rooting around in his robe pockets and produced a piece of flimsi. He knelt down next to the rock and flattened the flimsi on it, spreading it out gently with both of his hands. Anakin poured a few clumps of the Hutt Weed into it and tried to roll it up. It unrolled out immediately and the clumps fell sadly to the cave floor.
“It won’t stick together,” Anakin said, grabbing another baggy from a crate.
Obi-Wan considered their options as he flattened the flimsi out again on the rock. “Here…try this.” Anakin poured the contents of the bag back onto the flimsi. Carefully and slowly, Obi-Wan arranged the Hutt Weed into a straight line down the middle up the flimsi and gently rolled it up, careful not to spill any. He licked his fingers, with as much dignity as he could muster, and dampened the edge of the roll, sticking it together. It was sturdy and compact.
Anakin raised an eyebrow. “You seem pretty good at that,” he said suspiciously.
“Oh, stop it.” Obi-Wan handed the rolled up Hutt Weed stick to Anakin.
Anakin inspected it, nodding; he was impressed. “You need to teach me how to do that.”
“I will not be teaching you how to roll a joint.”
Anakin burst into laughter. “A joint?!”
“What? You haven’t heard it called that?”
“No, I have…it just sounds unnatural coming from you.”
Obi-Wan rolled his eyes. “Can we just get this over with, please?”
Anakin placed the joint in the corner of his mouth. “You need to light it for me.”
Obi-Wan’s lightsaber ignited with a hiss and he carefully touched it to the rolled up flimsi sticking awkwardly out of Anakin’s mouth. The tip turned orange and began smoking, smoldering lightly. Anakin kept it there, not moving, just breathing through his nose.
“Anakin, you need to -” Obi-Wan hesitated as if he knew he would regret what he was about to say, “- suck on it.”
If there hadn’t been a Hutt Weed joint in his mouth, Anakin would have seized the opportunity to make a lewd joke, but instead he took Obi-Wan’s strangely sage advice and sucked on the joint with pursed lips. The smoke floated through his mouth and down into his lungs. It was surprisingly hot and he suddenly had the sensation that couldn’t breathe. He took it out of his mouth and began coughing frantically, bending at the waist. His ribs felt as though they were about to crack.
Obi-Wan clapped him on the back, the thud echoing off the cave walls. Anakin doubled further over, coughing even harder while trying to hand off the joint to his old Master who carefully took it from his flailing hand.
“Your –” Anakin wheezed “ – turn!”
Obi-Wan sighed, considering his life choices. Finally catching his breath, Anakin looked up expectantly at his Master from his keeled over position. He couldn’t believe he was about to watch Obi-Wan smoke Hutt Weed.
Obi-Wan placed the elongated roll between his lips and took a decent sized drag. He exhaled, neat little smoke rings dancing to the ceiling of the cave elegantly. He handed it back to Anakin, whose expression was one of total shock as he received it.
“Why aren’t you coughing?”
Obi-Wan shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“And what was up with the smoke rings?”
“What about them?”
Pointing an accusatory finger at Obi-Wan, Anakin blurted, “You said you’ve never done this before!”
“I haven’t.”
“But –”
“You’re wasting it, letting it smolder like that.” Obi-Wan nudged his chin toward the rolled up flimsi in between Anakin’s fingers.
The younger man took another hit and coughed only slightly this time.
And together they took turns smoking the Hutt Weed.
“Now what?” Anakin asked as he squished the tiny flickering ashes out on the cave floor with his boot.
“We just wait.”
They waited.
“I don’t feel anything,” Anakin said, obviously offended as he sat back against the cave wall.
“Give it some time,” Obi-Wan said from next to him.
“I’m smoking some more.” Anakin made to get up.
Obi-Wan grabbed his arm and tried to pull him back down. “You don’t want to do that,” he said seriously.
“Why not?”
Abruptly, Obi-Wan began laughing, the rolling lilt of his voice echoing into the empty space of the cave. “I just don’t think you should.”
Anakin looked down at his Master and began laughing too. “What are you laughing at?” he asked.
Obi-Wan motioned toward the vast space of the cave before them. “I just can’t believe we are here.” Another fit of laughter came over him causing Anakin to laugh even harder. “Why does this always happen to us?” he asked Anakin as he tried to stifle his giggling.
Their laughing died out. “I’m getting some more,” Anakin stated when he realized Obi-Wan had let go of his arm. He bolted across the cave and dug around in the crate, producing a few more baggies. He brought them back to Obi-Wan.
“Do the thing.”
“The thing?”
Anakin motioned like he was rolling something in the air. “You know?”
“Ah,” Obi-Wan said. He stuck his hand deep in his pockets and found another piece of flimsi.
“Where are you getting all of this flimsi?” Anakin asked, realizing his own deep pockets were mostly empty save for some screws and bolts.
Obi-Wan shrugged. “Council reports,” he said nonchalantly as he tore a strip loudly.
“We’re smoking Hutt weed out of torn up Council reports?” Anakin asked in disbelief.
“There’s nothing of importance on them anyway,” he said and winked at Anakin whose mouth was gaping in shock.
Obi-Wan rolled up another joint and quickly had forgotten his previous trepidation about smoking more, because he did so without hesitation.
They leaned back against the cave wall, waiting some more.
“Are you feeling it?” Anakin turned his head to Obi-Wan who was staring straight ahead, unblinking.
“I can’t tell.” He blinked slowly and resumed his staring.
“Shouldn’t we be feeling it by now?”
“Patience, Anakin.” Obi-Wan still hadn’t moved his head. Or his eyes.
After concluding that his Master would provide him with no immediate entertainment, as he seemed rather infatuated with whatever he was staring at, Anakin rested his head back against the cave and closed his eyes. This entire ordeal was much more boring than he had anticipated. He hadn’t been sure what to expect, but he was hoping it would be more exciting than…this.
After what felt like a few hours, Obi-Wan’s voice interrupted his thoughts. “What are you doing?” His voice sounded far away. He could almost see Obi-Wan’s voice, swirling at the end of a dark vortex.
“Nothing,” Anakin said, his eyes still closed. He felt calm, almost like he weighed nothing. It was peaceful; his skin felt like it was vibrating with soft buzzes of serenity.
“Anakin!”
Obi-Wan’s voice was disturbing his tranquility. “Shhhh…” Anakin hushed as he let his head loll back in total relaxation; it felt too heavy for his neck.
“Anakin, get down from there!” The voice was back, distant, as if he were actually far–
Anakin’s eyes shot open and revealed that he was no longer seated against the wall of the cave next to Obi-Wan. He apparently had floated up, carried by the Force, to the top of the cave, high above Obi-Wan and the ground. He tried to lower himself, but his connection with the Force felt hazy. It was hard to grasp, distant, and yet at the same time he felt it stronger than ever, coursing through him and out of him and around him. It was everywhere; it was nowhere.
“I can’t get down!” Anakin said after another channeling another burst of effort into lowering himself.
“What do you mean?” Obi-Wan shouted. “Just get down!”
“I’m stuck up here, Obi-Wan!” Anakin looked down at Obi-Wan who was looking up at him in disbelief.
Obi-Wan opened his hand, flexed his fingers out, and extended his arm upwards in Anakin’s direction. There was a tug in the Force as Anakin dipped down slightly, but he soon began to spin slowly around in place, high above everything.
“What are you doing? You’re not helping!” Anakin cried as he rotated in slow motion, flailing his arms out hoping to grab onto something to stop the turning.
“I’m trying to get you down, but the Force…it feels…strange,” Obi-Wan replied as his face scrunched up in concentration. He adjusted his hand slightly and Anakin rotated in the opposite direction, this time much faster.
Anakin began laughing as dizziness set in. “Stop!” He suddenly tipped upside down, his hair covering his face. He was still spinning and was now laughing even harder.
Laughing loudly, Obi-Wan’s hands dropped down by his side. “I give up. I guess you’re just going to have to stay up there until we figure this out.” He sat down.
“You can’t just leave me up here!” Anakin panted as he tried to regain his breath after laughing. He was still upside down, his feet scrunched up against the ceiling of the cave. “Why don’t you come up here and we can just pretend that the ceiling is the ground!” he suggested with the excitement of one who had finally solved a challenging problem.
“But what if I get stuck, Anakin?” Obi-Wan sounded desperately nervous. The tone in his voice made Anakin laugh which in turn made Obi-Wan laugh. “And besides, the ceiling can’t be the ground.” Obi-Wan wasn’t laughing anymore. In fact, he sounded entirely serious.
“You won’t get stuck!” Anakin reassured him as if he wasn’t currently suspended in midair. “And why can’t the ceiling be the ground?”
“Because it’s…too rocky. The ground is much more…grounder,” Obi-Wan reasoned, his voice sounding less sophisticated and more slurred. Anakin giggled.
Obi-Wan’s face lit up as he suddenly had an idea. He reached into a pocket on his belt and brought out his grappling hook and cable. “Catch!” He threw it up to Anakin who surprisingly managed to snatch it from the air on the first attempt. Leaning back with all of his weight, Obi-Wan began to pull Anakin, who was becoming dizzy from being upside down for so long, down toward the ground with great effort, one hand after another.
Anakin couldn’t help but notice, as he was dragged down by a wire, that there was an obnoxious sound of giggling which ricocheted off the cave walls. It was incessant.
“Obi-Wan, could you stop?”
“Stop what?”
“Laughing.”
Obi-Wan stopped pulling and gave Anakin an incredulous look. “Anakin, you’re the one laughing.”
Anakin realized awkwardly that he had been laughing the entire time. “Oh…” This Hutt Weed was potent, he thought as he began to giggle about giggling.
Obi-Wan side-eyed him as if he were a lunatic and continued pulling down on the cable, lowering Anakin closer and closer to him on the cave floor.
When Anakin was within arm’s length, Obi-Wan reached out and grabbed him by his clothes, pulling him roughly the rest of the way down. The Force suddenly released its hold on the young Jedi and they both toppled down onto the ground in a heap. They made no immediate moves to get up from their positions flat on their backs.
“Please don’t do that again,” Obi-Wan said flatly.
“Yes, Master.”
Anakin stared up at the ceiling of the cave where he had been suspended only a few minutes prior. He could make out faces of varying expressions in the rocks and couldn’t help but wonder if the rocks could see them too.
“Obi-Wan?”
His Master, who was still flat on his back also staring up at the cave ceiling, turned his head in response.
“Do you think the rocks,” Anakin began to whisper, “can see us?”
A bark of laughter exploded from Obi-Wan. “Are you feeling the Hutt Weed now?”
Anakin closed his eyes, trying to make the rock faces disappear. “Yes. Yes, I am.”
Chapter 2: Darkness
Summary:
Anakin gets the munchies. Things go terribly.
Notes:
An update after ages! It's crack-filled. It's weird. Good luck.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Some time later, Anakin sat up slowly on the bottom of the cave floor, squinting in pain. His eyes felt like sand had been ground into them and he rubbed them gingerly. They watered in response. He sniffed.
To his left, breathing deeply and rhythmically, was Obi-Wan, still peacefully asleep on his back, his hands folded neatly over his chest. Anakin rolled his eyes. Of course he looks polite, even when he’s high and sleeping.
Anakin wondered how long he had been sleeping as he rubbed the back of his neck, looking around in vain for any sort of indication of what time of day it was. Unsurprisingly, the cave was still dark, their small lantern barely casting a warm halo from the middle of the cave. Out of habit, he checked the commlink on his wrist. A flashing red warning light indicated that the battery was reaching the end of its charge. It didn’t matter for there was still no signal to be had; it was essentially useless.
His stomach rumbled audibly, vibrating his ribs. In shock, Anakin grabbed at it, doubling over slightly, and whipped his head toward Obi-Wan, hoping it hadn't woken him up. He didn’t stir. Anakin tilted his head. Was he snoring? His Master was usually a light sleeper; Anakin reckoned the Hutt Weed had something to do with his current coma-like doze. Again, his stomach rumbled rudely. He held back a groan. He was ravenous.
Slowly, a plan hatched in Anakin’s head as he watched Obi-Wan exhale and inhale deeply, his hands on his chest rising and falling, unaware of Anakin’s new source of distress. Anakin snorted as he tried not to laugh at the sight of him, although nothing was remotely amusing, and rose to his feet, as quiet as he could even though his legs felt like they were buzzing. The darkness seemed to swirl around him - currents of blacks and grays and browns. On his feet, Anakin watched the flow, holding his hand out to see if he could feel the ripples move in between his fingers. He couldn’t.
Remembering his mission, he began to tiptoe across the cave. He called on the Force, out of an abundance of caution, to muffle his footsteps, but quickly abandoned his efforts when instead he made the lantern in the middle of the room levitate.
“No!” he whispered to it as he grabbed it and pushed it back down to the floor. “Stop that!” he said slightly louder, but upon remembering that Obi-Wan was sleeping, covered his mouth with his hands. “Shhhh…” he hushed himself. “You can’t wake him!” Slowly, nervously, he turned back to Obi-Wan, half expecting him to be awake. Gratefully, with a sigh of relief, he saw that he was still resting peacefully.
After understanding that the Force was not on his side, he tiptoed slowly to his utility belt which he had taken off earlier and placed along the opposite cave wall. Quietly, he unsnapped one of his pouches, revealing a Republic issued ration bar. His eyes widened greedily as he thumbed the wrapper. He peeled back the loud, crinkly, wrapper, ever so slightly, and looked back at Obi-Wan to see if the sudden noise had disturbed him. He hadn’t moved. Focusing back on the bar, Anakin peeled it back a little bit more, froze, and looked. Still sleeping. He continued in this fashion, for a few minutes, until the bar was fully unwrapped. With no hesitation, Anakin shoved the whole thing in his mouth.
Oh my Force, he thought as he chewed, making himself slow down to savor it, and closed his eyes. Have these always tasted so delicious?
With disappointment, he realized it was soon gone, consumed, and his eyes shot open hungrily. I know I have more…
He dug around in his belt, rather desperately, and pumped his arm in the air victoriously when he found another. Yes! Anakin took much less care in opening the second one, but practiced some restraint in its consumption, devouring it in two bites instead of one. He opened his eyes. Obi-Wan was still sleeping.
Urgently, he rifled through the rest of his belongings, hoping, although he knew better, for a third bar. Well, kark, Anakin thought sadly looking down at his empty ration pouch on his belt before a small scraping sound from across the cave startled him. He dropped his belt and held up his hands innocently, thinking he’d been caught in the act. Holding his breath, he turned toward the sound, but discovered it was simply one of Obi-Wan’s boots scraping along the gritty cave floor as he shifted in his sleep. One of his hands had unfolded from his chest and was now resting on his waist by his belt.
Anakin’s eyes, like the scope of a sniper blaster, focused on his Master’s belt. It was at that moment that a more sinister plan took shape in the depths of Anakin’s fuddled mind. It was true, way back in the beginning of their cavernous imprisonment, Obi-Wan and him may or may not have had a conversation about the rationing of their only food source. They may or may not have agreed to each have a half of a bar a day in order to preserve them in the event that rescue took longer than they had anticipated. And Anakin may or may not have agreed to the conditions set forth in their agreement. It doesn’t matter, Anakin thought, brushing the thoughts to the wayside as he eyed Obi-Wan’s belt, secured snuggly around his waist, from across the cave. That was then , he thought seriously. This is now.
Rationalizing his soon to be reprehensible actions to himself, Anakin reasoned that if his Master were awake, Anakin would simply explain how starvation was consuming his body. He knew for a fact that his Master would never, ever want his former Padawan to perish from malnutrition or starvation. And so he wasn’t to blame for eating his own bars, as they were technically his…issued to his name and his name only.
And he was sure that he wouldn’t be to blame for eating Obi-Wan’s bars either. There had been many missions, back when he was much younger, of course, that Obi-Wan had willingly shared his food with him. Technically, this situation was no different. Anakin needed it. Obi-Wan had it. Anakin shrugged to himself, fully committed to moving forward with his mission. His stomach growled.
He took a step toward Obi-Wan and paused to see if it elicited any sort of reaction from him. Nothing. Another step. Nothing. Anakin tried, as he moved in this jerky stop-and-go fashion toward his sleeping Master, to calm his racing heart and reminded himself that what he was about to do was a matter of life or death. He needed more food. Soon, he was right alongside Obi-Wan, standing over his prone form like a predator.
Slowly, he knelt down, taking a knee near his Master’s ribcage, and hesitated, studying his face for any sign of consciousness. It was quite the opposite. Obi-Wan looked considerably younger and less critical asleep, the permanent judgmental scrunch of his eyebrows and forehead were softened as he dreamt. His eyes darted to and fro under his eyelids. Anakin tilted his head, peering in closer and closer, intrigued by the movement. There was an urge, originating from nowhere, to poke his Master's eyelids, to feel the movement, but the small, rational, part of Anakin's brain warned him that to do so would certainly be the end of...everything. The bars come first. Eyes, second. Anakin paused, taken aback by the weirdness of his own thoughts. I'm so high.
Going himself a moment to recover from his own distorted thinking, Anakin simply watched Obi-Wan's face in a stupor until the urge to burst out laughing forced him to quickly look away. His body felt like it was vibrating again; it felt rather nice. Really nice, actually. This Hutt Weed is no joke, he thought, nodding in satisfaction. Focus, Anakin! he rebuked himself, shaking his head to help him re-enter the present moment. His eyes wandered down to his Master's brown leather belt. The bars were right underneath Obi-Wan’s hand...
Hoping to not produce any turbulence in the air around Obi-Wan, Anakin’s real hand - he had figured his prosthetic would be shockingly cold - extended slowly toward his target. His fingertips rested on the top of Obi-Wan’s hand lightly. Kark, his hands are warm, Anakin thought. The man didn’t shift at the touch, and in response Anakin pressed a little harder. Nothing. Slowly, he pushed his Maser's hand gently off of the pouch upwards onto his lower abdomen. Holding his breath, Anakin glanced back up at Obi-Wan’s face. Thankfully, he was still relaxed. Still asleep. The only thing separating Anakin from the bars was the leather of the pouch which housed them.
His fingers found the buckle of the pouch and tugged gently. Anakin bit his lip in concentration. It snapped slightly, almost inaudibly, as it unclipped.
Maybe it was Anakin’s focus on his task, or maybe it was the Hutt Weed…or maybe it was an unfortunate combination of both, but for whatever the reason his reaction time was seriously stunted as Obi-Wan sat up suddenly and landed the most beautifully executed upper-cut on Anakin’s jaw with one hand while punching him square in the nose as his head rebounded from the first blow with the other. With the grace of somebody who had been extensively trained on how to absorb physical attacks, Anakin twisted away from Obi-Wan’s body in a neat spiral and landed in a pile of dust, hiding his head under arms. He could feel the blood from his nose trickling down into his mouth. He groaned. The bars…
“Anakin! It’s you!” Obi-Wan had jumped to his feet, lightsaber ignited briefly before he turned it off. “What the kriff were you do-”
“I was hungry, okay?!”
“What?”
Anakin chose to remain silent.
“Anakin?”
Anakin’s legs still felt like they were vibrating and he was grateful that he was still in the fetal position on the ground. Was the ground moving?
“We’ve been over this, Anakin! Time and time again! When I am sleeping, you cannot touch me like –”
Anakin groaned. “Not another lecture…”
Obi-Wan looked down at the open pouch on his belt. “Were you…going after my ration bars?” he asked quizzically. His voice sounded far away. “That means that you already ate…”
Obi-Wan and Anakin, their minds unfortunately synchronized after years together, both came to the same conclusion at the same instant. Hoping to use the element of surprise to get a head start, Obi-Wan tore off across the cave toward Anakin’s belt.
“Master, no!” He felt like he was fourteen again and Obi-Wan had found those "questionable," as Obi-Wan had phrased it, holovids under his mattress. Desperate to not be caught having violated their prior agreement regarding the rationing of the bars, Anakin leapt up, using the Force to propel him, and threw himself on the back of his Master’s ankles.
However, Anakin’s connection to the Force was severely altered by his current Hutt Weed high, and the lantern, which was inexplicably tied to Anakin's Force signature, began levitating from the center of the cave yet again. With the forward momentum of Anakin’s full weight behind his knees, Obi-Wan lurched, head snapping back, and fell chest first, hard, onto the cave floor. “Ooof!” he groaned as the air left his body in a huff.
At that moment, the lantern, drawn to Anakin’s use of the Force, also propelled through the air like a blaster bolt and smashed into the side of Anakin’s head. “Ooof!” Anakin said as the two were plunged into impenetrable darkness.
Obi-Wan, still determined, driven by his own version of Hutt Weed inebriation, reached down and grabbed his lightsaber, igniting it and encapsulating them in a reassuring blue glow. He heaved Anakin, who was clutching his head in pain from the blow from the lantern, off of his legs, and rose to his feet. He jogged over to Anakin's belt.
“Master, no!” Anakin said as he shakily stood his nose bleeding, and his temple pounding.
Using his lightsaber as a torch, Obi-Wan hovered it over Anakin’s belongings. His jaw dropped in theatric shock as he bent down and picked up the wrapper to one of the ration bars. “You didn’t ,” he said, eyes wide, as he looked from the wrapper to Anakin, who was slowly careening his way over to him. “We had an agreement, Anakin!” He waved the wrapper accusingly at Anakin, forcing him to look at it. “An a-gree-ment!” His accent made every syllable sound like a dagger, sharp and accusing.
Trying not to laugh, Anakin bent his head down in feigned shame, although he thanked the Force that Obi-Wan hadn’t found the other wrapper yet, because that would really set him–
As if on cue, one of Obi-Wan’s boots made a soft crinkling sound as he shifted his weight to place his hands on his hips. Hearing the familiar sound of a food wrapper, Anakin shot his head back up and gulped.
Obi-Wan tilted his head and stepped to the side, hovered his lightsaber close to the ground. Illuminated by the glow and slightly buried by the sediment of the cave floor, was the second wrapper. His resulting gasp, oozing of drama and surprise, echoed off the cave walls as he pincered the wrapper gingerly with two fingers and plucked it from the ground. For however hungry the Hutt Weed made Anakin, it seemed to lessen Obi-Wan’s usually covetable abilities to rein in his emotions and reactions. “You heathen ,” Obi-Wan hissed across the cave, glaring at Anakin.
Anakin wiped some blood off his face as the evidence of his transgressions was presented before him.
“Why are you like this?” he asked Anakin, sounding entirely helpless.
The younger of the two laughed back nervously, unsure if this was a question he should actually answer. “You…made me this way?”
“Me?” Obi-Wan’s hand thudded on his chest as he referred to himself, voice slightly squeaking in opposition. “No, no, no. Don’t blame you on me! I have had nothing to do with…with this!” He used his lightsaber to point at Anakin. It crackled and hummed.
“I mean…you did basically raise me.”
“This –” he moved his lightsaber up and down, gesturing to the length of his body, “ – must have been some…remnant from your highly questionable birth because I certainly did not raise you as a heathen.”
“There was that one time…when we were on –”
“Oh hush,” Obi-Wan interrupted him with a wave of his hand, “you know that was an accident .”
Anakin had made his way toward the blue light of his Master's lightsaber, and the two stood, almost huddled together in its glow. Their eyes met as Obi-Wan peered with concern at Anakin’s bleeding face. It gave Anakin great satisfaction to see that Obi-Wan’s were just as red as his felt.
Suddenly, without warning, Obi-Wan burst into laughter, bending over. “Your face—I…I think I broke your nose.” He took a breath and laughed even harder. “And that lantern!” He pointed at Anakin’s temple. “You deserved that one!”
Anakin reached up and gently ran his finger down the bridge of his nose, wincing at the new unfortunate bend. He giggled and was only slightly concerned that it didn’t really hurt. “It was a good punch,” he conceded.
“It was beautiful wasn’t it?” Obi-Wan agreed as he re-enacted the two swings, complete with sound effects. “Master Qui-Gon taught me that one.” He sighed nostalgically. “‘Gamble all you want, Obi-Wan’ he used to say to me, ‘you won’t be paying any lost bets with a double-decker like this!’” He swung again. "Bop, bop!"
Anakin nodded enthusiastically, pinching his nose to try and stop some of the blood; he was accustomed to hearing Master Qui-Gon’s tokens of unethical wisdom. “Too bad he couldn’t get close enough to Maul to –” Anakin, caught up in the moment, also re-enacted the punches, but froze at the expression of shocked disgust that had appeared on Obi-Wan’s face. “Anyway…”
Obi-Wan grimaced. “Really?"
The buzzing of the lightsaber filled the awkward silence. Anakin spit out a clump of blood. “It was a good punch.”
Obi-Wan rolled his eyes at Anakin's feeble attempt to reconcile. He studied his lightsaber, peering in at it's lit blade. “I don’t know about you, but I reckon we need a solution for the darkness that you have so graciously brought down upon us.” He put one of his hands on his hip and looked intently at Anakin, eyebrows raised.
“I agree.” Anakin looked back. One of his eyes was starting to swell.
“Well, don’t look at me! You figure it out!”
“Me? You’re the one who gave me brain damage!”
In response, Obi-Wan belted out a sarcastic laugh, which echoed through the darkness. “I regret to be the one to inform you, my dear Padawan, but your brain damage was not by my hand.”
Anakin was rolling his eyes when the outline of the crates of Hutt Weed, behind Obi-Wan, caught his attention. “I think…I have an idea.”
Obi-Wan turned, following Anakin’s gaze. He swung his head back, eyes wide. “No.”
“But…”
“No!”
Notes:
I don't know what's wrong with me xD
xxMaestraEJCxx
Chapter 3: Coruscant Burger
Summary:
Anakin and Obi-Wan are still trapped. They're still high.
Notes:
This is a very dialogue-heavy chapter! Like I said before, this is super out there and very crackish, but if you want something mindless to giggle at, here you go!
Also, I updated some tags and the characters as I decided to change things around and introduce some new players in this chapter. Revisit the tags to make sure this still aligns with whatever vibe you're trying to go with!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Luckily for them both, Anakin was easily persuaded to abandon his idea of lighting the crates of Hutt weed on fire to make a bonfire which could serve as both a light source and a method to continue using the Hutt Weed. Sheepishly, he had conceded his grandiose plans when Obi-Wan had made several annoying, albeit valid, points about smoke inhalation, and therefore death, being a very real possibility. While Anakin couldn't quite understand why Obi-Wan was suddenly so afraid of dying, he dropped the subject entirely.
Instead, in the darkness, the two decided as a compromise to smoke another joint, as there just wasn’t much else to do. They both were sitting, side by side, backs rested against the wall of the cave, legs outstretched.
“Hey, Obi-Wan,” Anakin said after taking a hit, his voice raspy from the hot smoke.
“Yes?” he responded, his voice also slightly hoarser than usual. He cleared his throat.
“How many fingers am I holding up?”
“Four.”
Anakin giggled. “Your turn.”
“Really?” Obi-Wan asked. They hadn’t played this game since Anakin was ten.
“Come on!”
Obi-Wan sighed and took a hit from his joint. “How many fingers am I holding up?”
Something from somewhere deep in the cave smashed loudly against the wall, audibly shattering. “Every time I try to use the Force I accidentally throw something!” Anakin groaned. He would have never expected to experience such a strange side effect of the Hutt Weed, although there probably weren’t a lot of studies done on the effects of drugs on Jedi since…well, they really didn’t partake in such things.
“May I suggest that you stop using the Force before you give yourself another concussion?”
“What else am I supposed to do? This is boring!” Anakin whined. He took a hit; the burning ember of his joint was orange and the only thing visible in the pitch blackness of the cave.
After a brief moment of consideration, Obi-Wan helpfully suggested, “We could try to list all of the Senators in the Senate and see if we can remember them all? And maybe, after that, we could even categorize them alphabetically?” He sounded excited.
Anakin groaned loudly. “Of course, you’d want to do something as boring and lame as that. I only know, like, three anyway.” He groaned again. His Master was weird.
Obi-Wan shrugged and took a rather large drag off of his joint, finishing it off. He extinguished it gently into the sand next to his thigh. “Three? You’ve been working alongside Senators for the last decade and you’ve retained only three of their names?”
“Padme. Bail. And…and…I guess it’s two.”
“Good Force, it’s worse than I thought,” Obi-Wan lamented before growing concerned that perhaps Anakin really was suffering from a traumatic brain injury. He was even more concerned that he’d have to explain the entire situation to the Healers when they would inevitably ask for details. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Hmmph?”
“Do you know your full name?” Please know your full name, Obi-Wan inwardly begged. The last thing he wanted to do was to explain to anybody how he first decked Anakin in the face while in the middle of a drugged stupor and then, secondly, how Anakin, also in a daze, launched a lantern into the side of his own head. Please know your full name…
Anakin scoffed. “Just because I can’t remember more than two Senators doesn’t mean I’m stupid, Obi-Wan.”
“Just answer the question.”
“Anakin Skywalker.”
“And your middle name?” Obi-Wan asked as a trick question.
Anakin panicked. “I…I…”
“Think, Anakin!”
Anakin could feel everything getting fuzzy and dreamlike. Did he have a middle name? For Obi-Wan to ask, he must have one…was he dreaming? Were they in each other’s dreams?
Wanting to take the pressure off of himself so he could float along in Obi-Wan's dream, he blurted out the first name that came to mind. “Yoda!”
“Yoda?!”
“Yoda.”
Obi-Wan burst into laughter, bending over. “Anakin Yoda Skywalker?!” He howled.
Anakin howled too. It was a weird middle name to have. What were the odds? “You know who has a weird middle name?” he gasped out, his voice floating away in rippling currents.
Instantly, Obi-Wan stopped his laughing into the darkness, becoming very serious. “Who?”
“You!”
“Me?”
“Wan? Who named you that?”
“Anakin, that’s not my middle name.”
“Then why do we all call you that?”
“Because it’s part of my first name!”
After a breath of exhausted resignation, Anakin said, “I always figured there was another Obi in the temple, who was older than you, so everybody called you Obi- Wan to not get you mixed up.” He couldn’t tell if his explanation was clear, especially because he forgot he was talking halfway through it, so he attempted to rephrase it. “You know? They wouldn’t call the first Obi Obi-zero because that just sounds…stupid. So instead they called you Obi-ONE, but you can’t name a person a number so they changed it to Wan. ” He nodded, satisfied with the clarity he had provided.
“That’s…not quite right.”
“I’m telling you, I mean maybe you don’t know Obi-Zero, but everybody calls you Obi-Wan so they don’t get you all mixed up. Trust me.”
“Right,” Obi-Wan agreed. “I suppose it’s just like how everybody calls you Anakin Yoda?”
“Exactly.”
“Who calls you that?” Obi-Wan hinted, hoping that Anakin could wade through his current impairment and arrive at the conclusion that he didn’t have a middle name on his own accord.
“Who doesn’t call me that?” Anakin replied cockily, proud of his namesake.
“Everybody.”
“Everybody doesn’t call me that?” Anakin thought for a second. “That doesn’t make sense…everybody doesn’t –”
“No, everybody as in nobody.”
“Nobody doesn’t call me that?”
And with that, Obi-Wan got up to roll another joint, igniting his lightsaber as a torch to help him pick his way carefully across the floor of the cave.
While he was usually mostly patient, he was truly impressed with how the Hutt Weed seemed to somehow increase his threshold for banthashit. It was as if he simply didn’t care enough to become exasperated, and when exasperation did begin to creep through him, it simply morphed into extreme amusement. It was making more and more sense why Qui-Gon seemed to enjoy using the stuff recreationally when they were off-planet. He only wished that he had dabbled in it when Anakin was a child. They both would have benefitted if he were simply high throughout most of Anakin’s…antics.
He rolled two more joints: one for him and one for Anakin.
“Obi-Wan?” called Anakin from across the cave. “I…I have something to tell you.” His voice sounded serious…dire even.
Obi-Wan was making his way back, face illuminated by his blue lightsaber. “Yes?” Good Force, what could it be now? Obi-Wan wondered.
“Yoda…isn’t my middle name.” The realization had dawned on Anakin when he was mulling over how nobody (or was it everybody?) didn’t call him that, or whatever strange way Obi-Wan had phrased it.
“It isn’t?” Obi-Wan replied jokingly, relieved that Anakin’s brain seemed to be functioning at some capacity. “You fooled me!” He sat down again, sliding his back down the cave wall, next to Anakin.
It only took Anakin a few seconds of reflection to come to the conclusion that Obi-Wan had been trying to trick him into believing that he had a middle name. He accepted the joint that Obi-Wan handed him, sucking gently in while the other carefully ignited it with the edge of his lightsaber.
“Hey, Master?”
“Hm?” Obi-Wan hummed, eyes closed and head back against the cave wall. He felt relaxed. He loved being in the cave. Maybe, if he ever retired from the Order, he would live in a cave, he mused.
“Do you remember how you’d sing when we were in our quarters?”
Obi-Wan paused as he sifted through years of memories. “Not…really?”
“Well, it was mostly when you were in the shower.”
“Ah, right. Yes, I remember.”
“You have a really good voice.”
Obi-Wan was touched. He turned toward Anakin, even though he couldn’t even see his own hand in front of his face. “Thank you, Anakin. That’s kind of you to say.”
“You’re welcome.”
They sat in silence for a second before Anakin continued. “I really liked it when I was a kid.”
Obi-Wan nodded fondly. He did sing in the shower, but he never thought he was any good. He smiled in the darkness, recollecting how cute Anakin was as a child.
“In fact, for years, I would sneak into the fresher while you were showering so I could listen better.”
Like a rock dropping to the bottom of a pond, Obi-Wan’s smile fell. “You…you did what?”
“Sometimes, when I knew you were going to shower, I’d sneak in before you and hide in the closet where we’d keep the towels. You know the one? With the slats?”
Obi-Wan nodded blankly. He knew the one.
“I’d hide out in there and watch and wait for you to come in just so I could hear you better.”
“You were supposed to be in bed!” Obi-Wan was in utter shock. How many years had his Padawan snuck into their bathroom to watch him…shower?! Sometimes, he did more than just simply shower. He wasn’t even thirty at the time, for Force’s sake…
“Yeah, it was sometimes a little awkward when you had to…you know…shit before -”
In one swift movement, Obi-Wan jumped to his feet. “That’s enough!” he belted out in horror, interrupting Anakin's fond memory recollection. There was no amount of Hutt Weed that could numb his feelings of panic. Why had it never crossed his mind that Anakin was an exhibitionist? It should have made sense, given how enthusiastic his Padawan was when it came time to watch Padme sleeping on their security holos that one time.
“Relax, Obi-Wan! It wasn’t that big of a deal," Anakin soothed.
“Relax?” Obi-Wan repeated, his voice squeaking in disbelief as it often did when he got worked up enough. “RELAX?” He worked to control his breathing. “You want me to relax when you’ve just admitted to sneaking into our fresher to watch me shower and…and defecate ? For years?!”
“You should relax because…I’m just joking!” Anakin burst into maniacal laughter, curling up on his side. He managed to gasp between fits. He was crying. This was quite possibly the best prank he had ever played on Obi-Wan in the history of…ever.
Obi-Wan, still on his feet, opened and closed his mouth several times. “You little…you…”
Anakin laughed even harder.
“You really didn’t watch me shower?”
“No! I would rather gouge my eyes out!”
“Now that’s a bit dramatic, don’t you –”
“But you do have a good singing voice.”
Obi-Wan could feel his heart rate slow as the panic subsided. He even allowed himself a solitary nervous chuckle as he sat back down next to Anakin. “I swear, one of these days, you’re going to kill me.” His body was buzzing with panic and weed. Inwardly, he resigned himself to the fact that, most likely because of Anakin-related stress, he would most likely end up retired in a cave.
“I could never! You’re basically my father.”
Anakin leaned over and for a split second, rested his head on Obi-Wan’s shoulder. Obi-Wan leaned his head over to rest it on Anakin’s. They were five or six joints into their extended cave stay, and Obi-Wan was feeling it in the best of ways.
Anakin shot his head up, the moment of affection had passed. “You know how you’re on the Council?”
Obi-Wan rolled his eyes, grateful for the darkness. “Yes, I'm aware.”
“Have you ever been with them when they order lunch from Coruscant Burger?”
“What?”
“I know you all get burgers from Coruscant Burger,” Anakin said accusingly, as if he’d figured out an age-old mystery.
“So?”
“I’m just curious who orders what? Who goes and gets the food? Do you all go out?”
“I can’t fathom why this matters to you.”
Anakin laughed and held up his wrist, before speaking into his commlink, mimicking ordering. “A frog burger, I want. From the senior menu, it must be. Still alive, I much prefer.”
The burst of laughter that escaped Obi-Wan was so violent and unexpected that Anakin jumped. As a result, they both laughed hysterically, although Anakin’s impression wasn’t that funny.
Inspired, Obi-Wan held up his commlink, distorting his voice. “A burger, I remember…three hundred years ago, I tried it. On the menu, is it still?”
Doubling over, Anakin slapped the ground next to him.
After taking a moment to catch his breath, Obi-Wan held his wrist up. “Give me a burger,” he said into it, deepening his voice seriously. “I want it plain. Nothing on it. Make it afraid of me, like everybody else.”
Anakin’s eyes were watering. “Windu?!”
Obi-Wan nodded, although Anakin couldn’t see it. After a minute of guffawing, their laughter died down, and after the echoes faded away the sort of deafening silence that could only happen deep inside of a cave enveloped them.
“I wonder how long it’s been,” Anakin posited. “And I wonder how much longer until they get here?”
“It’s probably been a few days,” Obi-Wan guessed. “I suspect Ahsoka and Rex and everybody else will be here any minute.”
So far, in the twelve hours since their Generals been trapped, Ahsoka, Rex, and everybody else had built up a makeshift tented field station outside of the cave network.
They’d quickly established that the two Jedis' signals were too weak to receive any comms from the outside. Despite the weak signals, out of an abundance of caution, Ahsoka had insted they keep their comm receivers open and broadcasting just in case a stray signal was to come out of the cave.
And so far, no signals had come from the cave.
Ahsoka, leaning back in her field chair in the command tent, wasn’t worried. They’d be out soon enough with the multiple crews making quick work of demolishing the rock face.
She went to say something to that effect to Cody and Rex, who were also seated, helmets off, beside her, when their open comm stations began to show signs of activity.
The sound sent the three of them into a tizzy, dialing in controls, trying desperately to catch the signal that was coming out of the cave before they lost it.
“It’s coming from General Skywalker’s commlink!” Rex exclaimed as he increased the volume. He pressed a button and the static cleared.
“...From the senior menu, it must be. Still alive, I much prefer.” There was roaring laughter before the comm cut out.
Rex, Ahsoka, and Cody looked at each other with much confusion.
Ahsoka spoke first, voice hesitant, “Was…was he pretending to be Master–”
Suddenly, Obi-Wan’s signal began to sputter. Rex went to work, going through the same steps that he went through to get Skywalker’s signal cleared up.
Obi-Wan’s signal came through, stronger now. “A burger, I remember…three hundred years ago, I tried it. On the menu, is it still?” Roaring laughter. Silence.
Cody’s face twisted in confusion. “Was that General Kenobi?”
“I would think so,” Ahsoka said. She too was confused. What was going on in that cave?
Obi-Wan’s signal lit up again, causing the three to lean forward in order to hear it better. “Give me a burger. I want it plain. Nothing on it. Make it afraid of me, like everybody else.”
“Why are they ordering burgers?” Cody worriedly asked.
“I…I don’t know,” Ahsoka admitted. “Rex, are there any toxic gasses in these caves?” She felt helpless, although through her Force bond with Anakin she felt nothing alarming. Could the gasses be having that large of an impact on his cognition?
“I’m not sure,” Rex replied. “But by the sounds of it, they’re delusional.”
“That’s it,” Ahsoka said with determination, powering up her comm. “I’m asking the Council for reinforcements. We need to get them out .”
Notes:
This chapter makes me question my own sanity. Hopefully, it doesn't make you question yours! Or if it does, welcome to the club. You're not alone!
xxMaestraEJCxx
Chapter 4: Engrave the Cave
Summary:
Anakin's stomachache opens the door to further antics.
Notes:
Weirdest chapter yet? I think yes. Buckle up. Roll with it. That’s all I can do! TW: Genital anatomy is discussed. It's not graphic. It's just weird.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
“Obi-Wan?”
“Hmph?” Obi-Wan was half asleep. They had been sitting in silence for some time, and Obi-Wan was thoroughly relaxed. If he concentrated hard enough, he could hear soft music playing.
“I need to go to the fresher.”
Obi-Wan cleared his throat quietly after croaking out an unintelligible sound. His mouth felt incredibly dry from all of the smoking he had been doing. “So, go?” he rasped softly. He turned his head slightly and crossed his arms across his stomach as he prepared to drift away into a soft slumber.
It was Anakin’s turn to clear his throat, but it was much more obnoxious. “It’s not…as easy as that.”
“What do you me–” Obi-Wan’s eyes shot open and his head lifted forward from the cave wall. What Anakin was suggesting hit Obi-Wan like a herd of panicked banthas. “You mean you have to…” He let the rest of the sentence linger, hoping Anakin would pick up what he had put down.
Anakin nodded quickly. “I have to take a –”
“Force, Anakin! Have some decorum!” Obi-Wan slid on his behind away from Anakin in disgust as if an explosion was imminent. “Can’t you just…hold it? I am positive they’ll be here soon.”
After assessing the rumblings of his stomach, which was full of what was most likely expired ration bars, Anakin said, as stoically as possible, “I can try.”
Tentatively, Obi-Wan slid back to his original spot next to Anakin, and leaned his back against the wall, hoping to resume his nap.
Silence fell, thankfully, again. Obi-Wan concentrated, hoping to hear the music he had heard earlier. He thought about animals and how most of them had never heard music. It was a sad thought. He thought about how indoor bugs and insects, like some spiders, were the luckiest of all organisms because they’d be able to hear music played by their much larger roommates. He thought about –
“Obi-Wan?”
Obi-Wan jumped, having just slid over the precipice into an early stage of sleep. “What?!” He was on edge knowing that Anakin was trying his hardest to not defecate everywhere. The thought was making him nervous.
“Are you up for a game? I really need to take my mind off of my –”
“Of course,” Obi-Wan said groggily. He felt disoriented by both the darkness and tiredness.
For a second, Anakin thought. “Tic-tac-toe?”
“It’s dark…and we have nothing to play it on.”
“I was thinking we could cut into the walls with our lightsabers? They’d give us some light too.”
Obi-Wan considered the idea. What could go wrong, he posited. “Alright. I’m X. You be O.” He rubbed his face, hoping to speed up his wake up process.
“Wouldn’t it make more sense for you to be an O since your name is ‘O’-bi-Wan? It would make it easier to remember.”
Slowly, Obi-Wan closed his eyes in exasperation, forcing himself to exhale as smoothly as possible through his nose. “Sure, Anakin. I’ll be O. You be X.” He rose to his feet. “Set up the grid, I’m going to…take a quick break.”
From the ground, Anakin let out a loud bark of laughter. “For somebody who doesn’t ‘do drugs’,” Anakin mocked Obi-Wan’s accent,”you sure are smoking a lot of Hutt Weed.” Anakin smirked as he heard an unintelligible grumble back from his Master. The smirk didn’t last long as a sharp pain in his stomach reminded him of his current predicament. “Obi-Wan, hurry up!”
Anakin got to his feet, ignited his lightsaber, and carved a grid neatly into the cave wall. After he had finished, for good measure, he slowly pushed his lightsaber into the wall, watching in awe as the blade melted the rock around the hilt of his weapon.
“Anakin, what are you doing? Stop that!” Obi-Wan scolded from across the cave. Anakin could see the glowing ember of a rolled joint through the dark.
Having been caught using his lightsaber inappropriately, he quickly withdrew it from the wall and instead considered his neat tic-tac-toe grid. It was halfway decent, he thought. He wondered what else he could come up with while he waited for Obi-wan to finish up his break. An idea suddenly came to the young Jedi. He looked over his shoulder and held his lightsaber out, hoping that Obi-Wan was still indisposed. “Obi-Wan?”
“What, Anakin?” His master’s voice was slightly shrill and came from far across the cave.
He’s still near the Hutt Weed crates, Anakin thought. “Nevermind,” Anakin called back. He stifled a giggle as he turned back to the cave wall. He began etching something, slowly and carefully, next to his tic-tac-toe grid, into the rocky surface.
“How long does it take to draw four lines?” Obi-Wan grumbled as his voice drew closer to Anakin. He smelled like weed, Anakin noticed. It was a weird smell to associate with his former Master who usually smelled like…nothing, really. He was surprised how much Obi-Wan had been enjoying sampling the Hutt Weed. It did make sense though, Anakin thought. The guy was uptight most of the time…
Sensing Obi-Wan right behind him, Anakin quickly stopped drawing and illuminated the grid for Obi-Wan’s approval.
“Very good. You can go first.” Obi-Wan’s lightsaber ignited with a swoosh.
Immediately, Anakin drew an X. Afterward, Obi-Wan carefully drew his O. Anakin drew an X under his first move, but then drew another one off to the side before Obi-Wan could even begin his turn.
“Hey! That’s cheating!” Obi-Wan protested.
“I knew where you were going to go, so to save time I made my second move.”
“Like I said: cheating.” Obi-Wan drew two O’s.
“Excuse me! You just did the same thing!” Anakin used his lightsaber to shove Obi-Wan’s blade out of the way. The two weapons hissed at each other as they clashed impatiently. Both Jedi were unphased.
“Well, like always, you had no qualms about developing new rules and so I figured I shouldn’t have any qualms about following them,” Obi-Wan haughtily said.
Anakin replayed his sentence in his head. Did Obi-Wan say he didn’t have any palms? Was he trying to talk shit? “I do too have palms.”
Obi-Wan shrugged. He had already forgotten what he had said. “Me too.”
There was an awkward pause.
Turning, they both examined their game on the wall. Nobody was going to win.
“Anakin, I really think it’s futile to try and play this. We’ve never been able to beat each other.”
With a sigh, Anakin agreed.
Obi-Wan waved his lightsaber down, thumb on the switch to disengage it, when something off to the side of their game caught his attention. He took a step toward it, using his lightsaber as a light source. “Did you do this?”
Anakin was baffled. “Do what?”
“Carve this crude penis drawing into the wall?”
Anakin thought back…had he done that? The Hutt Weed really was messing with his memory. “No?” He thought even harder. “That was already there!”
With an accusatory finger, Obi-Wan pointed at it. “You’re claiming that some cave inhabitant, or perhaps a past victim of this very same booby trap, took it upon themselves, when they could draw or write anything at all, to instead choose to carve a penis into the wall?”
That did seem rather illogical, Anakin admitted to himself. “I don’t know…maybe it’s like archaeological? You know how they found cave paintings of ancient animals and stuff?”
Obi-Wan, unable to keep his composure for any longer, burst into a fit of laughter. “I don’t think it’s very ancient, considering some pieces of rock are still molten.”
Anakin chuckled as he slowly remembered that he had carved it. “I think you’re right,” Anakin said, for the first time in his life. Obi-Wan blinked, obviously taken back by the concession. “I did draw it!” Anakin’s laughter bubbled up as he relived his own surprise and confusion regarding his own penis drawing. Hutt Weed had the strangest effects, he thought as he spluttered and giggled.
“You don’t say?” Obi-Wan replied, laughing hard again. He turned back to the drawing, which was as tall as him and nearly as wide. “I…I don’t really want to know, so please don’t tell me, but I honestly worry about you if this is any sort of accurate representation of what you…are in possession of.”
Anakin stopped laughing. “What I am in possession of?” Anakin repeated.
Waving a hand over the artwork, Obi-Wan said, “It’s completely…inaccurate. Is this even to scale?” Obi-Wan was leaning in, fully inspecting it as if he were an art historian poring over a newly discovered work of an old Master. “Why is there a singular hair growing out from the–-? Or is that–” Obi-Wan got closer and squinted his eyes ” –is it ejaculating?”
Anakin couldn’t believe the word ‘ejaculating’ had just come out of his Master’s mouth. In an attempt to maintain a semblance of sanity, Obi-Wan had even gone so far as to avoid saying the word ‘balls’ altogether about ten years ago. He claimed Anakin couldn’t handle it, which was absolutely accurate.
With a huff, Anakin answered. “No, it’s not to scale! I just drew it!” Anakin was slightly annoyed at the level of scrutiny his master was bestowing upon his graffiti. Who drew dick graffiti to scale? What a weirdo. “I’d like to see you do better, since you apparently are the penis expert,” he challenged.
Obi-Wan snorted loudly in response to Anakin’s insult before looking knowingly back at him.
In response to the rather…suggestive…look, Anakin raised an eyebrow quizzically. Obi-Wan, as if realizing that he was showing his metaphorical hand, turned back to the penis on the cave wall and giggled coquettishly. Next to him, Anakin debated internally if he should keep pushing for information, or let it go. Maybe Obi-Wan was a penis expert? The Jedi Order really did have experts in everything, Anakin reasoned. He began to think even deeper about what being a penis expert would entail, but Obi-Wan’s sudden burst of artistic movements caused him to stop.
Obi-Wan giggled uncharacteristically as he drew. “You see, Padawan, it’s all about the angle...,” he began, his voice distant as he hyper-focused on the blooming masterpiece before him. He was holding his breath, no longer giggling, Anakin noticed, as he drew. Obi-Wan, historically, was a pretty decent artist. His brow was scrunched in concentration.
Anakin stood behind his Master, looking over his shoulder. It was coming along nicely. Obi-Wan continued his narration of each of his artistic choices as if he were teaching some sort of mature art class. Anakin, who was currently experiencing another wave of Hutt Weed delirium, was entirely honed into the lesson. They both had shut out the entire world, focusing on the artwork appearing before them. The final product made Anakin’s look completely crude, almost like a cave engraving.
“Wow, Obi-Wan. I’m sorry I doubted you,” Anakin said as they both stood back and compared the two drawings side by side. It was a great, highly detailed, rendition.
Obi-Wan clapped him on the back. “It comes with practice, Padawan.”
”Practice?” Anakin repeated to himself. He went to say something further but a pang in his stomach reminded him that he had bigger issues than to antagonize his former Master. “Let’s smoke again, and then let’s play spaceball!”
“Spaceball? With what?”
“Our lightsabers can be bats and we can use rocks as balls,” Anakin suggested, giggling at ‘balls’. “But you can’t use the Force,” Anakin seriously decreed. It wasn’t fair that Obi-Wan’s Hutt Weed reaction didn’t interrupt his connection to the Force as much as it did to his.
“Fine, whatever,” Obi-Wan slurred slightly. As they made their way to the Hutt Weed for yet another quick break. A few minutes later, after a joint shared between the two, and some cave reconfiguration, they were ready for their first inning of spaceball.
“Here are the rules,” Obi-Wan began seriously. Anakin rolled his eyes; Obi-Wan was obsessed with rules. “If you hit the ba–rock on the first pitch, that’s three points. Second pitch is two and so on. If you, after three, miss all pitches, you get 0 points. The one with the most points at the end of five innings wins.”
“Sure, got it,” Anakin said as he focused on seeing if he could wiggle each of his toes independently from the other. Had he always been able to do that? Was this a skill everybody had? Was Obi-Wan still talking? It sounded like it...
“Do you understand?”
“Oh, sure!” Anakin said, looking up and giving Obi-Wan a thumbs up.
“I’ll pitch to you first.”
Obi-Wan picked up a fist sized rock from a pile he had gathered. “Ready?”
After getting positioned across the cave with both hands on his ignited lightsaber like it were a real spaceball bat, Anakin taunted Obi-Wan. “Don’t throw your back out, old man!”
Obi-Wan rolled his eyes before throwing a pitch into the darkness at Anakin’s general direction.
“Did you throw it?”
Confused, Obi-Wan put his hands on hips. “You didn’t see it?”
“No..here!”
Suddenly, without any sort of warning, Obi-Wan felt something hard and fist sized make contact with his shoulder, tossing him backward. He fell over onto his back. It hurt, but it didn’t matter. He started laughing. The darkness above him moved in a soft swirl. He raised his hand above him and let it drop loosely onto the sandy cave floor.
“Obi-Wan?”
“Did you throw a rock at me?” he asked to the cave ceiling.
“I was trying to be helpful and throw it back to you!”
Obi-Wan rubbed his shoulder before getting onto all fours. He was finding it hard to get his balance with the way everything around him was dancing. “A warning, please, next time.” He made it onto his feet and grabbed another rock. “Ready?”
“Ready as I’ll ever be!”
Obi-Wan pitched the rock, this time aiming slightly more to the left. He saw Anakin’s lightsaber swoosh and slice the rock neatly in half. He also saw the lightsaber, blue and ignited, getting closer, and closer to him, spinning like the blade of a propeller. He cocked his head curiously. Hutt Weed? Or danger? He couldn’t discern what exactly was happening. The blue swirling in the black of the cave was mesmerizing -
And then, the lightsaber sliced through the loose fabric of his tunic near his ribcage, leaving a clean slit, as it flew past him.
“Warning!” Anakin yelled.
Obi-Wan touched his skin through the slit in his tunic. Luckily, he wasn’t hurt. Anakin’s lightsaber, still ignited, buzzed from where it landed behind him. He bent over and picked it up. “Where is your grip failsafe?” He turned it over in his hand. There simply wasn’t a failsafe. Lightsabers were supposed to disengage when the pressure from the hilt was released. “And what sort of warning was that?! You warned me after you tried to harpoon me!”
“Oh stars! My bad! I hit the rock so hard that the lightsaber just kind of…kept going out of my hand! Sorry!”
“You cut my tunic!” Obi-Wan complained. “It was new!”
Anakin had made his way over to Obi-Wan and stuck his finger through the tunic, touching his skin underneath. He giggled. “It’s for ventilation!” Anakin took his lightsaber from Obi-Wan’s hand. “Hold still…”
“Anakin, what are you–-no!”
Anakin slit the opposite side of Obi-Wan’s tunic. “It’s even now!”
Obi-Wan looked down at his outfit alteration. Suddenly inspired, and because he never had before, he did a spin on one foot. He could feel air blow gently past his sides onto his back. It felt good. “I have to admit, this isn’t the worst thing I’ve ever felt!”
“Do me!” Anakin had to get in on the ventilation equation. He handed his lightsaber off to Obi-Wan.
“Alright, don’t move.” Obi-Wan grabbed the excess fabric and did an even slice down the side of it. But instead of a neat slit, he ended up removing much more fabric than he had intended. More than half of Anakin’s tunic was now in his hand. He looked up at Anakin, choked laughter coming out of his mouth in the form of snorts.
“Obi-Wan! What the kriff! You cut too much!” Anakin’s belly button was exposed. “I’m wearing a crop top now!”
Beside him, Obi-Wan was howling harder than Anakin had ever heard. “You look ridiculous! Let me even you out!”
Anakin didn’t protest as Obi-Wan cut the rest of the way around his tunic, exposing his entire midriff. Like Obi-Wan had done, Anakin tried a little spin. It was quite breezy.
Obi-Wan’s laughter intensified.
“Does it look good?” Anakin asked. He felt kind of cute, not like he’d ever admit that to Obi-Wan. His outfit modification was much better than Obi-Wan’s, who looked like he was sporting tunic gills.
“It doesn’t look bad ,” Obi-Wan admitted. He looked down at his own shirt and wondered how he would look in a crop top. He’d never really tried wearing anything different… “Could you..do mine?”
Anakin’s stomach rumbled, low in his abdomen, sending a piercing cramp through his body. He needed to keep busy. “Of course I’ll do yours!”
“So we’re going to detonate our way into their cave?” Ahsoka clarified.
“It’s really the only way,” Master Windu replied.
“Get them out, we must. Before time, they run out of,” Master Yoda added, brow furrowed.
Slowly, Ahsoka nodded. She was incredibly worried, although her Force bond with Anakin was nothing but hazy and chaotic, which she assumed was the poisonous gasses taking hold of her Master's vitals. She sighed as her connection with him lurched and spun.
She decided that although she felt somewhat small for having been unable to take on this situation alone, it was reassuring to have two of the most influential and powerful Jedi in the Order join her in the field station. If Master Yoda and Master Windu couldn’t get Obi-Wan and Anakin out, nobody could.
Clones ran to and fro with the explosives, setting everything up just so.
Almost there, Master
, Ahsoka said through their bond.
Don’t worry.
Notes:
Anybody still with me? If so, good on you!! I hope nobody is too scarred, or scared, by what’s happened here!
There's one chapter left!
xxMaestraEJCxx
Chapter 5: Act Natural
Summary:
Obi-Wan and Anakin rehearse their rescue.
Notes:
Warning. This is beyond bizarre. And that's it. That's the warning.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Anakin, having taken another hit or two, or four, looked behind his back. “Master?” He was feeling nervous and suddenly paranoid.
Obi-Wan, in the middle of taking another hit, mumbled something incomprehensible back.
They’d taken a break from spaceball to partake in a friendly smoking contest. There weren’t really any rules, to Obi-Wan’s dismay, other than who could smoke a joint the fastest. Obi-Wan had won and had commandeered the rest of Anakin’s joint as a prize.
Rescue didn’t feel very imminent.
“Aren’t you worried that they’ll find out?” Anakin asked nervously.
“Who will find out?” Obi-Wan asked out the side of his mouth, the joint still in his lips. He puffed.
Anakin looked around the cave as if they weren’t alone. “Anybody…everybody…”
“Find out about…this?” Obi-Wan blew a smoke ring. He stuck his finger through it and watched it dissipate.
Anakin gulped. “Yes. The…drugs…”
“Oh, so now they’re drugs?”
“Well, not really, but still…what if they find out?”
Obi-Wan inhaled deeply, using up the rest of the joint, before grinding it into the sandy cave floor to extinguish it. “They won’t.” He’d never been drug tested in his life. Qui-Gon was also an enthusiastic participant in all things…weed. Obi-Wan scratched his head. His brain was not firing on all cylinders.
“But…what if they can tell we’re high when they come to get us?”
“Just act natural, Anakin. You’re overthinking this, which I can’t believe I’m saying to you of all people.”
Act natural, Anakin repeated in his head. He could manage, he figured. “Can we practice?”
Obi-Wan turned his head quickly to Anakin’s direction in the dark cave. “Practice what, exactly?”
“Acting natural.”
Anakin’s nervousness was buzzing and making Obi-Wan stand on edge, thus ruining his high. “Would it make you feel better?” he asked his former Padawan, hoping to just get it over with as quickly as possible.
“Yes.”
“Alright. So pretend that you’re Anakin and I’m…”
“Master Yoda!”
Obi-Wan grimaced. He hated pretending to be Master Yoda. “Fine. You’re Anakin and I’m…Master Yoda…and I’ve just arrived to save you. Now act natural!” Obi-Wan walked a ways away before returning back, walking on his knees so he was shorter.
He coughed before distorting his voice. “Ah, the two missing Jedi I have found! A happy day, it is!”
“Master Yoda, we have not been smoking Hutt Weed!”
Obi-Wan slapped his face. “No, Anakin! Don’t say that!”
“But I don’t want him to think we’re smoking Hutt Weed!”
Obi-Wan took a deep breath. “Take my word for it, you don’t want to say that. Here, you be Yoda and I’ll be…you.”
They swapped spots. Anakin dropped to his knees.
“Ah, the two missing Jedi I have found. A happy day–”
“Anakin, at least use your own material. You don’t need to copy everything I do, you know,” Obi-Wan dragged his words out, not impressed.
Anakin made a sound of frustration before attempting again. “Ah, the handsome Anakin Skywalker I have found beside his washed up old Master!”
Taken back, Obi-Wan rolled his eyes. “Hello, Master Yoda! It’s me, Anakin, sitting here waiting for you after having, yet again, fallen for the oldest trick in the book. If only I had listened to my Master, we wouldn’t have been here for so long.”
“Well, if some risks your master had taken, here you would not have been at all.”
“Bad decisions are my speciality and I wasn’t about to do something ridiculous like…make good ones!” Obi-Wan burst out laughing maniacally. The years had exhausted him.
Anakin didn’t find it as funny. “You be Yoda now.”
Obi-Wan and Anakin switched spots again.
“Ah, two missing Jedi I have found. Acting natural they are!”
Anakin, in the split second since they’d switched spots, had begun licking the cave walls.
“No, Anakin! Act natural! What in sithspit are you doing?”
“You know how we have those salt lamps in the Temple? The ones that taste like salt?”
“You’ve…you’ve licked the salt lamps?”
Anakin stayed silent.
Obi-Wan waited for an answer.
“It was a long time ago,” Anakin whispered.
“How long ago?” Obi-Wan whispered back.
Anakin shifted uncomfortably.
“Anakin…how long ago?”
“Last…last week.”
Obi-Wan groaned. “Come on, Anakin! I thought we were done putting stuff in your mouth!” He was no longer whispering. His arms flopped to his sides in defeat.
“I didn’t believe they were really salt! I thought we got ripped off! You can’t blame me on this one!”
“It was salty, though?” Obi-Wan asked, curiosity piqued.
Anakin nodded. “They all were.”
Obi-Wan’s eyes widened. “You licked ALL of them?!”
Anakin crossed his arms. “Anyway, this cave looks kind of like the lamps! I thought it would be salty too.”
Obi-Wan shrugged. “Was it?”
“You try!”
“I’m not licking the wall.”
“Then you’ll never know if it’s salty or not.”
“And that’s fine.”
They both crossed their arms. Obi-Wan looked away. He did want to know…
“Anakin, I don’t think we should be licking the cave walls when they come to get us. That’s not acting natural.”
“What should we be doing then?”
The need for a battle plan having arisen, Obi-Wan sprung to action. “That’s a great question. We should establish positions for when rescue arrives to ensure optimal…natural lookingness?” The Hutt Weed really weakened Obi-Wan’s usually extensive vocabulary. “When we hear them coming, I think you should be sitting there,” he pointed to a spot on the ground.
“And where will you be?”
“I’ll be standing in front of the Hutt Weed crates, guarding them.”
“Guarding them from what?” Anakin motioned around at the empty cave. “Me? You’re going to make me look like an addict!”
“No, I won’t be guarding them from you! I’ll just be…guarding them in general.”
Anakin nodded. “What am I doing while I’m sitting?”
“You’re going to be…acting naturally.”
“But what does that mean?” Anakin was growing stressed.
“I don’t know! Just sit there looking emotional about something, I don’t know! Do what you usually do!”
Anakin was nervous about the whole thing. “Show me!”
Obi-Wan sighed and sat down. “See?” he whistled a little tune before he looked around smiling. “Natural.”
Anakin’s left eye twitched. “That’s creepy, Obi-Wan.”
Obi-Wan continued whistling and turning his head, smiling. “How is this creepy? I’m at peace, in the cave, waiting for rescue and acting naturally.”
“But nobody does that…”
“Does what?”
Anakin whistled and plastered a huge grin to his face, swiveling his head.
“No, you make it look creepy, Anakin. I’m not doing this –” Obi-Wan made his grin even wider and whistled louder. “I’m doing this –” he whistled softly and let his grin shrink to a blissful smile. “Big difference.”
“I think it’s the looking around that makes it creepy. Try just holding your head still…”
Obi-Wan kept whistling but fixated his eyes on Anakin.
“Now that’s creepy!” Anakin laughed. Obi-Wan laughed. Together, their laughter escalated to an insane cackling. It echoed off the walls.
Anakin’s stomach growled. Obi-Wan, having heard it, jumped. “Was that your–”
“Stomach,” Anakin finished for him, doubling over. “I really have to go,” he said quietly.
“Oh Force, no,” Obi-Wan moaned. “Just go as far away over there as possible, dig a hole and…”
“Shit into it?”
Obi-Wan rubbed his face with both of his hands. “Yes.”
Anakin got up. “Can you make some noise or something? I’m nervous…”
“Yes, whatever, just get it over with,” Obi-Wan curtly replied. He was still sitting in his position, legs crossed.
Anakin, as instructed, disappeared into the darkness of the cave, dug a hole, and began his business.
Obi-Wan blocked his ears with his hands and whistled as loud as he could.
Anakin, feeling much better, had begun pulling his pants up when a BOOM rocked the cave. In a split second, one entire wall, the one furthest from them both, had crumbled into small rocks and dust.
“Anakin! They’re here! Hurry to your position!” Obi-Wan yelled across the cave.
Panicking at their sudden arrival and at not having worked out exactly what ‘acting natural’ looked like, Anakin struggled to remember his position. The last thing he really remembered doing was licking the cave walls. And so, he rushed over to do just that, holding his pants up with one hand.
Obi-Wan’s eyes widened. “No, Ana–”
But a unit of Clones had begun marching in, and Obi-Wan didn’t have time to correct his Padawan.
Obi-Wan, in his position on the ground, began whistling and looking around smiling. He regretted having smoked that last joint, as the waves of giddiness were really only just starting to hit him. He whistled harder.
“Masters!” Ahsoka yelled as she ran in heroically, her voice laced with concern. The dust had settled and revealed the strange scene before her. She stopped in her tracks, taking it all in. Master Obi-Wan was sitting cross legged in the middle of the cave turning his head rhythmically to the ditty he was whistling. And…her Master was…licking the cave wall? He had a black eye and seemed like he’d been beat up. “Ma…Masters?”
There was a horrible smell in the cave. And…were those penises carved into the walls?
Obi-Wan stopped whistling and turned to face her, smiling widely.
At the sound of her voice, Anakin stopped licking the cave wall. “Hi, Ahsoka! We have not been smo–”
“Ahsoka!” Obi-Wan interrupted his Padawan. “What a happy day!” He giggled. The awful smell hit his face. He grew anxious that their rescuers would thing that he was responsible. Obi-Wan was a lot of things, but smelly wasn't one. "That was Anakin that defecated into that hole back there," he said, pointing his thumb behind his shoulder. "Not me."
Ahsoka raised her eyebrows as Cody and Rex joined her by her side. Their faces were equally as perplexed.
“Cody! Rex!” Anakin yelled, still holding his pants up. He waved and pointed at the crates of Hutt Weed. Everybody’s heads turned toward it. “I know what you’re thinking, but don’t worry, we have not been smo–”
“Hello, Commanders!” Obi-Wan interrupted his idiotic apprentice yet again. He wasn’t sure what else to say. What if they could tell he was high? He held back a giggle. Maybe he should have practiced acting naturally with Anakin more…it was harder than he had anticipated.
Maybe he should address the fact that Anakin had been caught licking the cave wall lest they find it strange? “It’s good you made it here when you did,” he said to them, eyes wide with relief. “Anakin is growing…hungrier.” He nodded gravely.
“Yes!” Anakin agreed, taking a lick of the wall for show. “And Obi-Wan is growing...older." He always needed the last word. He scooted his pants up.
Cody spoke into his comlink, turning so that he would not alarm the Generals who were in a rather fragile state. “We need a few medics,” he whispered. “The poisoning is worse than we thought.”
Notes:
This fic + my current exhausted state = this truly strange chapter.
I have no words other than I hope all of you have the same twisted sense of humor as me!
No words.
xxMaestraEJCxx
Chapter 6: Rescue
Summary:
They've been rescued! But they're still high!
Notes:
The final chapter! This fic was strangely fun to write and I'm actually quite sad it's over. I hope you all enjoyed it as well as I felt like an utter weirdo publishing something as bizarre as this.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Anakin and Obi-Wan exchanged confused glances at the sheer rush that everybody seemed to be in. Without warning, a squad of medics had come running through the detonated hole in the cave wall with stretchers and essentially tossed Obi-Wan and Anakin on them. Hurriedly, they picked the stretchers up and began to jog the two Jedi out of the cave.
Ahsoka stayed behind, putting on a gas mask.
Anakin furrowed his brow and looked over at Obi-Wan. He went to whisper, but seemed to have forgotten how. “This seems like a lot just because we smo–”
“Oh no, Anakin!” Obi-Wan interrupted, looking around them nervously to see if anybody had heard. “We are very weak from our days in the cave.”
“Sirs,” one of the medics walking alongside them began, “you were in the cave for less than a full rotation.”
Obi-Wan’s face paled. Anakin busted out a bark of a laugh.
“Less than a full rotation?” Obi-Wan repeated, more to himself than to anybody. He remembered how much Hutt Weed they’d consumed, in what he now learned was less than a full rotation, and began to panic. Was he going to be high forever?
“Time sure does move differently when you can’t see daylight, right sir?” the medic chuckled.
Anakin snorted in agreement.
The medics brought them to a large tent and placed the stretchers gently down on the ground. The lead medic appeared and began checking their vitals. Across the tent, caught up in what was probably an emergency Council meeting, were Mace Windu and Master Yoda.
Anakin pointed at Yoda, without even attempting to hide it, and began to laugh loudly. Obi-Wan reached across the gap between their stretchers and swatted at Anakin’s hand to try and make him stop pointing.
“Look how small he is!” Anakin said, craning his neck around Obi-Wan to get a better look. He pointed even harder. “Look!”
Obi-Wan pursed his lips together in a desperate attempt not to also start laughing. He did look smaller than usual. “Anakin,” he said, his voice quivering tightly as he did his best to remain collected, “I know he’s funny looking but you can’t say that!”
“I said he was small, not funny looking!” Anakin retorted.
The commotion had caught the attention of Windu and Yoda and both began staring in Obi-Wan and Anakin’s direction.
“Shhhh! They see us! Hide!” Anakin said, flopping onto his back dramatically.
Defeated, Obi-Wan reclined back onto his stretcher, hoping to die.
“But you know what is funny looking?” Anakin posited. He’d turned around onto his stomach and was on his elbows, looking back across the tent at the Jedi Masters who were looking at him. They wrapped up their meeting and began to walk over.
Obi-Wan shot back up. “No…”
“Mace Windu’s head! Do you think he shines it?”
A violent snort broke through Obi-Wan’s lips and he covered his mouth to hide his smile. Anakin’s laugh had become so violent that he was no longer even making noise. Obi-Wan laid back down on his stretcher and covered his face with both of his hands.
Throughout it all, the medic had been trying to assess their vitals. He pulled out a needle and vial from his kit. “Hold still, General Kenobi…”
Obi-Wan’s eyes widened. Was this a drug test? “What is this for?” he asked, trying to keep his voice calm and not suspicious.
Anakin’s attention shifted from Windu’s approaching head to Obi-Wan on the stretcher next to him. “I think he’s nervous you’re going to test him for drugs,” he stated matter of factly to the medic.
Obi-Wan glared at him. “That is preposterous! Why would I be afraid of that?” he laughed, looking at the medic sincerely.
Anakin caught the hint. “I agree. Preposterous! In fact, I hope you test him for drugs!”
Obi-Wan gritted his teeth. “He’s not going to just test one of us for drugs!” He turned back to the medic, looking for validation. “Are you testing us both for drugs?”
The medic was speechless. He rose to his feet. “I’ll be right back…”
“Exposed to drugs, have you been?” Yoda’s voice, now next to them, asked with concern.
Anakin jumped, surprised, and pointed at Yoda. “He’s right next to us!” he whispered, albeit loudly, to Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan looked away, closing his eyes. It was very hard to act naturally on purpose when Anakin wouldn’t stop making him laugh. Everything he did was hilarious.
Looking between Obi-Wan and Anakin, Windu knelt down to Yoda’s height and turned to him seriously. “Those cave gasses must be particularly strong…”
“Concerning, it is…”
Anakin and Obi-Wan, hearing a possible way out, looked at each other and silently agreed on a plan moving forward.
“My head hurts!” Anakin moaned. He doubled over, doing his best impression of the time he was actually poisoned by gasses. “Ohhh…”
Obi-Wan snorted next to him.
The medic returned with two cups. “Alright sirs, here are the drug tests you requested. You’ll have to urinate into the cups and–”
Obi-Wan shot up off his back and held himself up with his arms, eyes wide. “Anakin! Look what you did!”
“You’re the one who was worried about it!”
“Of course I am worried about it!”
The medic scrunched up his brow.
Windu, obviously also confused, stepped in. “Thank you, but I believe these two are paranoid from the gasses they were exposed to in the cave. A drug test isn’t necessary.”
The medic shrugged, obviously not wanting to get roped into what appeared to be confusing Jedi-business. “Besides their impairment from the gas, these two are in good health. After some rest, and maybe some oxygen to help flush the gas from their systems, they should be good to go.” He nodded respectfully at the group of Jedi before taking his leave.
“Rest, you both need.”
Anakin snorted. “Why do you talk li–”
“Yes, thank you Master Yoda,” Obi-Wan said, hiding his smile behind his hand. He really wanted to not be high anymore. He laid down and closed his eyes, hoping that Anakin would follow suit and Yoda and Windu would leave.
Anakin, for once, did follow Obi-Wan’s lead. Wanting the two Jedi to get some sleep, Yoda and Windu quietly left them.
“But why does he talk like that?” Anakin yelled from his stretcher.
Back in the gave, Ahsoka was testing the air to figure out exactly what gas had poisoned the two Masters. To her surprise, her detection devices indicated that there were no gasses present in the cave. She crinkled her lips to one side in confusion and looked around.
The two had definitely been under the influence of something. She traced her finger along one of the penises that she recognized as a piece of Anakin’s drawing repertoire. What had happened to them?
She knelt down and sifted her hands through the fine sand of the cave floor, looking for any indication of what could have impacted them so strongly. A little nub of hardness bumped against her finger. She took out her small penlight and angled it down at the ground. It was the butt of what looked to be a rolled up joint remnant. She held it up to her face, using the light to look at the paper it was wrapped in.
“-Cil min-” read the paper. She unraveled it from it’s tubular shape and flattened the small paper in her hand. It looked like the papers that Obi-Wan would carry around with him after a Council meeting…
“Council minutes” she said aloud. Burnt ash fell from the paper.
Ahsoka looked to the corner of the cave at the crates of Hutt Weed.
“Oh…” she said. She looked back at the penises on the wall and burst into laughter. “No way!”
Anakin was pretending to sleep back in the tent. His fake snoring wasn’t fooling anybody, however.
“Can you stop doing that?” Obi-Wan asked, but it sounded more like a demand.
“I’m trying to sleep.”
“Nobody snores like that. You don’t even snore.”
Anakin slowly pushed himself up and looked at Obi-Wan in exaggerated horror. “You watch me when I’m sleeping?”
Obi-Wan laughed. “That’s mild considering you watch me when I’m showering.”
Anakin clapped his hands and chuckled. “Mild? I saw you peeking when I was shitti–”
“Uh…Masters?”
Anakin flung his head behind him. “Ahsoka!”
“Hello, Ahsoka! Please tell me you didn’t hear any of what we were just saying?”
Ahsoka took in the scene before them, and considering what she had discovered back in the cave, it was extremely obvious to her that the two Jedi were absolutely high out of their minds. She was beyond amused.
They were in crop tops, although they didn’t seem to notice. Obi-Wan’s hair was the most disheveled she’d ever seen and Anakin’s face was covered in dried blood. One of his eyes was almost swollen shut, but he looked to be in great spirits.
“I…I heard it all.”
The two Jedi slapped their faces.
Anakin was the first to recover. “I promise I don’t watch him bathing.”
“It’s ok, Master. Just re–”
“And I wasn’t peeking when he was…doing his business in the back of the cave. It was really too dark, so even if I had wanted to, I’d be unable…” Obi-Wan explained, using his skills at reasoning and negotiation to justify why he’d never want to watch Anakin use the fresher.
“It’s ok, Master Obi-Wan. Nobody thinks you wanted to peek at Anakin,” Ahsoka said soothingly.
An awkward silence fell on the trio.
Anakin giggled.
Obi-Wan giggled in response.
Ahsoka, trying her best to not laugh at the two, remained stoic.
Obi-Wan and Anakin did not remain high forever. In fact, by the time night fell, they were feeling almost entirely themselves again.
Ahsoka kept their secret safe and they never knew that she had discovered their adventures in Hutt Weed.
But what was kept even more secret, was the single baggy of Hutt Weed that Anakin had pocketed and snuck out of the cave.
One evening, on a particularly calm night in hyperspace, Obi-Wan and Anakin sat back from the paperwork they’d been completing together in Obi-Wan’s office.
“I think that’ll do it,” Obi-Wan said, rubbing his eyes tiredly.
Without a word, Anakin gently plopped the baggy onto the table between them.
“You did not!” Obi-Wan exclaimed. “You criminal!” he half-joked. They hadn’t spoken of their…antics…in the cave at all since they’d left.
Anakin laughed. “I only have the one, okay? I say we split it and be done with it. We have nothing else to do…”
“We are on duty! We can’t be smoking weed!
“It’s only half a baggy each! We smoked, I don’t know, thirty of them back in the cave! We won’t be nearly as high.”
Anakin did have a point, Obi-Wan thought as he considered the baggy on the table. “Fine.”
He ripped up some paper from a discarded report and rolled the joint.
“I never asked how you got so good at this,” Anakin said, admiring Obi-Wan’s talent.
“And you’ll never know,” he said as he finished the joint. He handed it to Anakin and ignited his lightsaber to light it.
Anakin took a few puffs before he passed it to Obi-Wan. The joint was finished quickly as it was quite small to begin with.
They sat back in their chairs calmly.
Anakin giggled.
“What?” Obi-Wan asked.
“Nothing…”
Suddenly, Obi-Wan’s commlink went off. He looked at it, reading the message. “Sithspit!” he swore.
Anakin sat up, concerned. “What is it?”
Obi-Wan burst into laughter, obviously feeling slightly high. “They want to have an emergency Council meeting. Right now.”
Anakin doubled over laughing. Obi-Wan put his head down on the table laughing.
“Why does this always seem to happen to me?” Obi-Wan gasped in between laughing as he set up his holotable, punching in the codes to join into the meeting. “You’ll need to leave, Anakin. I can’t take the meeting seriously with you giggling in the back.”
Anakin placed a hand to his chest. “I will not be missing out on something as entertaining as this.”
Obi-Wan took his seat, smoothed his hair, and shot Anakin his most serious look. “We’re never smoking again.”
Anakin laughed. “Sure.”
Notes:
I have a strange affinity for crack fics, so if this is something you've enjoyed, please feel free to check out my other works! Thanks for all the comments, kudos, and SO many subscriptions!!! I love and appreciate you all!
Now, who wants a fic about the Council ordering from Coruscant Burger!? xD
xxMaestraEJCxx
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