Chapter Text
It was a cliche, really.
Long, stretched out hallways. Unable to walk quickly anywhere, the destination never coming closer. Sudden, strange shifts to places from his memory. This dream couldn’t be any more cliche if it tried! This definitely was not a dream realm that he was used to.
The park, all those people - but unable to find the ones he was looking for. The restaurant, the tense conversations, the disapproval in the eyes of those he cared most for. That room, that laptop, the never ending arguments.
The loneliness.
“Shizun?!”
This wasn’t right. Luo Binghe shouldn’t be here.
He looked extremely out of place, to the point that he suddenly had to burst out laughing.
“What’s so funny?,” the faceless woman hissed. They were again at a restaurant. The fancy one that he had never known how to dress for.
And oh how underdressed he was now! Boxer shorts and a ratty old tshirt that he had spilled ramen on a few times while writing angry comments. When he adjusted his glasses, even they were the broken, old ones. Not the new ones that his mother had bought but he hated the look of.
“Yuan’er, aren’t you ashamed?!,” this time it was his father. “Showing up like this!”
“Shizun, why are they talking to you like that?!,” Luo Binghe demanded, but none of the people reacted to him. “Why are they calling you that?”
“I, uhm…,” Shen Yuan muttered, torn between the two groups. One had a face, and was frantically trying to get through to him, the others, his family, looked monstrous because none of them had one.
“After two years of studying, shouldn’t you be getting somewhere?,” his mother continued. “We’re paying for it, and there’s no results! What about your exams?”
“I, they’re… they’re alright I just… I need a little more time,” Shen Yuan stammered, trying to pull down his shirt as if he could somehow hide the embarrassment of his lack of clothes.
But by his side his sister was snickering, and leaned over towards her equally faceless brother. He couldn’t hear their exact words, but he knew it wasn’t anything nice. He had always been the disappointment of the family, hadn’t he? Shen Yuan’s face became hotter, he couldn’t hide his flushed face any longer.
“I just- I just-”
“Only excuses,” his father spat out. “All we wanted to do was have a nice dinner.”
“I didn’t want to talk about university in the first place…,” he muttered back, then flinched when his father’s hand slammed on the table.
Before another barrage of abuse could be directed his way, Luo Binghe spoke again.
“That’s it, I’m ending this. Shizun, wake up!”
Shen Qingqiu felt completely disoriented when he woke up in darkness, a hot body pressed against him. He was shaken, called out to, over and over again, but it was difficult to not still feel like he was in that restaurant. He hadn’t dreamed of his family in so, so long that it filled him with a profound sadness.
“Shizun is crying…”
Tears were wiped from his cheeks.
“Binghe?,” his voice was raspy, and he coughed a little to clear his throat. “Where…?”
“Qing Jing Peak, the bamboo house,” Luo Binghe sounded worried. “What was that dream, shizun?”
“Give me a moment…”
Shen Qingqiu tried to gather himself. He pulled his light inner robe closer around himself, after disentangling him from those arms clinging to him. He stood, almost wavered, but held himself aloft by a wooden beam. Then he strolled to the window to look outside, to take in their surroundings. This really was their peak, their house. Their… home?
Once he had come to terms with this being his new reality, but only recently had he spoken to Shang Qinghua and the new function of the System.
“Return home…,” he muttered to himself.
“You want to go to our house?,” Luo Binghe was right by his side again. “Okay, I’ll carry shizun there.”
“No, we don’t have to leave,” he replied a little more firmly. “I was just a little confused. Did you… were you in my dream?”
“Please don’t be mad,” his husband quickly said, going around him to kneel in front, taking his hand. “This disciple saw shizun thrash in his sleep, being uncomfortable. I thought I would enter and see if I could help. But all that… I didn’t understand these places, or these people.”
Because it had been the modern world. Shen Yuan’s world. His world? Not anymore… Hadn’t he died? What would happen to him if he even could return there?
“Don’t mind those places,” he replied softly, sinking down on the couch right there. “Open a window for me, will you?”
This happened promptly, and Shen Qingqiu breathed in the cold night air. It finally felt as if he was truly awake, but his head still swam with some kind of fog. It was difficult to think. Let alone make much sense of what he had dreamed about.
“That was my family,” he admitted then.
“Why would they speak to you like that?!,” Luo Binghe puffed up, which was frankly quite adorable. To Shen Qingqiu, it was already difficult to tell what they had been speaking about.
“Hm? Oh, just family talk, it’s nothing to worry about.”
“I don’t care if they’re family, this disciple will beat them up if they speak to shizun like that again!,” he proclaimed, but when he saw Shen Qingqiu slouching on the couch there, he sat by his side again. “What’s wrong?”
“I… let this master sleep again. I cannot clear my head…”
Luo Binghe seemed to look concerned, but he gently lifted Shen Qingqiu to bring him back to bed. Despite him wanting to make sense of that dream, and what he was feeling at that moment, Shen Qingqiu drifted back off to sleep. A calm one, without any dreams this time. But his hopes of having a clearer mind the next morning were crushed.
He may have woken up from a few hours of slumber, but he felt utterly exhausted. As if he had lived through an entire lifetime in another dream that he could not remember. Despite the familiar scent of congee drifting through the house, he could not bring himself to sit up.
That eager puppy was coming to bring the congee to him now - if he had a tail it would be wagging.
“Shizun! Good morning!”
But Luo Binghe’s smile faded when Shen Qingqiu did not reply.
“Shizun… did you fall ill? I… Did I hurt shizun again? I just wanted to end that terrible dream!”
He put the bowl aside to take Shen Qingqiu’s pulse. Though he was more or less sure his body was fine, he didn’t pull away. It seemed too exhausting a movement. For a few moments they were both still, then Luo Binghe sat on the edge of the bed.
“Shizun seems fine… but shizun isn’t fine. Please tell me what this disciple should do.”
Shen Qingqiu did not answer because he was terrified. He was finally starting to realise what this was. He had been struggling with his mental health like any fine university student did, and had tried to get through it by himself. Posting on Proud Immortal Demon Way’s boards had actually helped him feel better. To feel less lonely. But not he did not have this anymore.
His thinking had been that since it was all due to chemical imbalances in his brain, or something of that sort, now that he had switched bodies it would all be over. And through all his hardships, the pain and the trouble, depression had never waved it’s ugly face again.
But here he was. And it was terrifying. What if this was going to haunt him all over? What if he could never get rid of it?!
“I feel… blue,” he finally said with a sigh, trying not to cry.
“Blue?,” Luo Binghe tilted his head, and once again Shen Qingqiu was reminded of a puppy. Bing-pup. That’s what he should call him.
Though he did not call him that at this time, the large puppy climbed back into bed and scooped him into his arms. With his head resting on Luo Binghe’s firm shoulder, he tried to relax.
“Hmm it’s… this master does not have a single thing to be sad about but… is sad anyway,” he tried to explain.
“Sad? Did this disciple mess up again?,” Luo Binghe asked.
Oh this child …
“No, no that’s what I meant. It is nothing that happened just… I am not sure why it happened. Perhaps it was this dream.”
“Your family?”
“Mn.” He paused for a moment.
“Are they… gone?,” Luo Binghe asked carefully.
“Something like that. I won’t ever see them again,” Shen Qingqiu evaded with vagueness.
He was quite sure that Luo Binghe would not survive being told the truth. Hell, even he himself was suddenly wondering how it all worked all over again. Was he going to die in here - then what? Were they just going to live in here forever… and then what?
“Good riddance,” his husband huffed and brought him back from his thoughts. “They were so rude to shizun.”
“It wasn’t always like that,” he replied softly. “They were quite strict on me. But wasn’t I strict on you too?”
“I guess so,” Luo Binghe pouted a little. “I just don’t like that shizun is… blue because of them.”
Feels blue, he wanted to correct, but couldn’t really bring up the effort.
“I miss them,” Shen Qingqiu blurted out instead, this time a tear did fall, but Luo Binghe could not see it. “My- my siblings and I would go watch plays-”
Go to the movies …
“My mother brought me soup when I was ill.”
Shitty ramen from the place next door because she knew I liked them.
“I… I just…”
He was softly shaking in Luo Binghe’s embrace, who finally turned him and saw those tears. He hugged him close so that Shen Qingqiu could bury his face in the crook of his neck and take in the familiar scent. But he could not stop shaking, or crying.
“This disciple can be shizun’s family now. I know that I- I am not good, I am not like them. Please tell me what to do.”
At those words Shen Qingqiu was so moved that he just cried harder, shook more and clung tighter. When he lost consciousness, he did not really know. Only that it was dark once more when he woke up to someone rubbing his waist, and pressing kisses to his naked shoulder.
“Mnnn… no…,” he mumbled.
“Shizun, I can distract you…,” Luo Binghe’s deep voice betrayed how horny he was. His hands already roamed forbidden places.
“I said no…,” Shen Qingqiu muttered again, but he still did not stop.
Only when there were yet again tears rolling down his cheeks did he pull away.
“Sh-shizun! Oh no, oh no this disciple did not realise- I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!,” now he started to cry too. “I truly thought that I could-”
Shen Qingqiu shook his head. This was partially his fault. He took in a shaky breath to calm himself down, pulled up his inner robe once more to cover himself. Then he had to wipe the tears from his husband’s face too - something he was intimately familiar with. But that took all his strength and he lay back down on the bed.
“We need to come up with a rule,” he sighed. “Your shizun doesn’t always mean it when he says no.”
“That’s what I thought was happening,” Luo Binghe replied meekly. He pulled up the sheet so Shen Qingqiu was relatively decent, although his hair was a mess and he was starting to have a not so pleasant smell about him.
“But I need you to stop when I mean it.”
“Yes!,” Luo Binghe quickly moved to the end of the bed, where he promptly kowtowed to him. “I never want to hurt shizun! Please tell me how.”
“Alright, come here…,” Shen Qingqiu gestured for him again, and when he crawled - literally crawled - closer, he pat his head just like he knew he liked. “How about… If this shizun says ‘no’, it’s alright to tease a little more. But if I say ‘stop’, Binghe must stop.”
“‘No’, and ‘stop’, alright,” Luo Binghe nodded at him. “This disciple understands!”
Shen Qingqiu sighed. Even if his breath was not fresh, and his hair oily, he knew Luo Binghe would not mind if he pulled him into a kiss. Quite the opposite, he kissed him with so much fervour Shen Qingqiu quickly became overwhelmed. When the biting started again, and his hand moved towards this chest he pulled away.
“S-stop, stop Binghe please…”
“I’m sorry, ah shizun…,” he whined again, and Shen Qingqiu was starting to get to the end of his rope.
“Stop apologising and think before you act,” he scolded. This time, Luo Binghe would just have to cry. Shen Qingqiu turned around and took a pillow to drape over his own head. A hopefully clear sign that he was not in the mood to talk.
He wanted to sleep again, but this time he was only tossing and turning. Eventually though, the body next to him became still, so he finally got up. Every step was heavy, and difficult to take, but he needed to get out of what suddenly seemed like a very cramped house. He wasn’t even properly dressed but he did not care. The cold night air finally seemed to clear his head somewhat, but he wandered aimlessly.
What did he used to do to get out of this? Aside from writing mean comments… Going out with his siblings had helped. Shitty ramen had helped. His family had helped. And now he was ready to cry all over again, which he was just as tired of as sleep - which still called out to him. He didn’t have family here anymore but…
Bai Zhan Peak was actually rather quiet. Shen Qingqiu didn’t remember how he had gotten here, only that his feet were now numb. He barely felt the grass against them.
He had never been to Liu Qingge’s home. They had been on the training plaza, meeting with other peak leaders on the main peak, had been in other halls of Bai Zhan Peak, but never his home. Nevertheless of course he knew where it was. Now shivering, he approached… and did not know what to do. What could he possibly say?
Hey I ’m depressed and you’re the only family I have!
Never in his fucking life!
When the door suddenly opened his heart was pounding, but before he could say anything, Liu Qingge, as handsome as ever and impeccably dressed as if he were just about to go out - had pulled him in by the wrist.
“What are you doing going out like that?!,” Liu Qingge hissed at him, his ears flushing a deep red.
Only now did Shen Qingqiu look down, and saw that he was only in a light white inner robe. Through the cold, his nipples were clearly visible and his feet-
“You’re not even wearing boots!,” it was as if his brother was scolding him again, so Shen Qingqiu did not protest.
Nor did he say anything when his shidi took off his own outer robe and wrapped it around him. Suddenly a whole new scent enveloped him. To his surprise, sweat was not among them, even though he spent most of his time beating up other people. Instead there was the light scent of jasmine and what he presumed to be what every person had. That unique scent that was difficult to describe, only that it was very different from that of Luo Binghe.
“You’re freezing,” Liu Qingge’s voice sounded a little more concerned, a little less scolding as he pulled him further inside and into a side room.
This must be his personal quarters. Tidier than he had expected, a little dusty - perhaps he just spent little time here. The bed was well made, his decorations favoured a light blue. It was not too different from his own little house, but different enough that Shen Qingqiu let out a little sigh. As he was not answering, his shidi got busy making tea, muttering and cursing as he did so. At this time he could not call on one of his disciples without making a fuss and spreading rumours, and as Shen Qingqiu watched he figured he had not often made tea for himself.
That made him smile a little.
The tea ended up being terrible, but warm.
“Here take these boots,” Liu Qingge all but tossed them at him, but Shen Qingqiu still did not make a move. “What, you need to be waited upon now?!”
And yet, that’s exactly what he did. He even got socks for him. With his hands on his feet, he looked up at Shen Qingqiu.
“What on earth is wrong with you?,” he asked more earnestly. “Y-your hair’s down, it’s a mess. Much longer and your toes would be freezing off. You’re here in the middle of the night-”
His eyes suddenly widened and he stood abruptly, almost knocking over the table they had been sitting at.
“That beast! That filthy little beast what did he do to you?! Did he finally go to far?! I’ll kill him, this time I swear I’ll kill him!”
They both knew he would not be able to kill him, though Shen Qingqiu felt oddly touched that he’d want to try if his chastity had been taken. Which it had, many times, but not in the way his shidi thought. Shen Qingqiu grasped his hand loosely.
“Shidi. Sit down, it’s not like that.”
“Then what am I supposed to think?!,” reluctantly, Liu Qingge sat down again and once more he acted like a servant, putting socks that were too large on Shen Qingqiu’s freezing feet. “I’d thought you’d rather die than to be seen like this.”
“I dreamt of my family,” he simply replied.
It was quiet for a moment.
“Oh.” Though it was clear in Liu Qingge’s expression that he had no idea what to do with that. Finally he asked: “Do you miss them?”
He wasn’t sure whether Liu Qingge knew of the original flavour’s family, but suspected they had never much talked about things as they were busy trying to kill each other. He certainly had never told him, so being vague should be safe.
“Mn,” he nodded, taking a sip of the terrible tea. “I will never see them again. I don’t know why now but feels as if… my mind is ill. Not my body.”
“Why aren’t you telling this to your disciple?,” his shidi asked. He was slowly massaging the warmth back into Shen Qingqiu’s abused feet.
“I did but… I can’t seem to clear my head. I needed a change of scenery. I don’t know why he can’t understand that I can care for more than one person.”
Liu Qingge’s hands stopped moving, and his ears went from having recovered back to a bright pink. One hand nervously brushed hair behind his ear.
“I just wanted to see if someone else’s comfort could possibly… possibly pull me from this.”
“Shixiong!,” Liu Qingge sounded alarmed as he suddenly leaned in closer, letting go of his feet. One hand on the table by their side, the other on Shen Qingqiu’s shoulder.
But that handsome face was blurry.
“You’re crying!,” his shidi sounded utterly shocked, as if his whole world had suddenly been shifted upside down.
“I can’t- I can’t stop I don’t know why-”
In his own confusion and anguish, he leaned forward. Practically threw himself against his shidi’s chest. Liu Qingge most likely didn’t even know what to do, but neither did Shen Qingqiu. He just wanted this to be over, to feel better. To his surprise though, he was pulled further forwards, and strong arms wrapped around him.
This was very different from Luo Binghe’s embrace, who was much taller and broader. Liu Qingge’s handsomeness was more lithe and delicate, though still taller than Shen Qingqiu himself. The scent of jasmine was even stronger but not overwhelming his senses. Instead he managed to take in a shaky breath.
“If- If I could beat up your mind I would!,” Liu Qingge suddenly blurted out.
His… his way of comfort?
Just as abruptly, Shen Qingqiu had to laugh. It was short lived, but with it some heaviness of his heart was lifted.
“I would like that too,” he muttered. Tears still rolled down his cheeks, but at least he was not sobbing anymore. “Shidi would be very effective I’m sure.”
For a while it was still awkward. Hell, it would never stop being awkward. But Liu Qingge did not push him away, and after a while he even seemed to relax a little. Shen Qingqiu still heard his heart beat rapidly, but it was surely because of the absurdity of this situation. In any other case, he really would never have shown himself to his shidi like this. But it seemed there wasn’t any more face that he could lose anyway.
And then Liu Qingge slowly started to rub his back.
“That feels nice,” Shen Qingqiu whispered. When a sigh left his lips, it felt as if another stone was lifted from his heart.
“Shixiong said that… there was more than one person he cared about,” Liu Qingge said quietly after another long pause.
“Of course. Cang Qiong Mountain sect is important to me.”
“Ah.”
Shen Qingqiu looked up at the handsome face of his shidi, taking in his pink ears. The flush in his cheeks. There was that rapidly beating heart…
“Shidi is different from the others,” he admitted to himself, but to Liu Qingge as well.
Whose eyes widened.
“I- I-,” he stammered like a nervous schoolboy confessing to his crush. Was this- Was this what was going to happen?! “I confess that shixiong has always-”
“I KNEW IT.”
The window shattered as a dark figure jumped through it, immediately grasping for Shen Qingqiu, who was pulled out of the way and into a standing position by his shidi. Blinking, he was confused for a while before realising it was Luo Binghe - of course he had followed. Of course Shen Qingqiu had not been able to sneak away! How much had he heard?!
“Get your filthy hands off my shizun!,” Luo Binghe spat, trying to grasp him again. Whether it was his anger or his unfamiliarity with the rooms, he was unsuccessful as Liu Qingge dragged him away from him. “Shizun!”
“Please stop, both of you…,” Shen Qingqiu said quietly, unable to do much more than hold onto Liu Qingge. He was dizzy through how fast they were moving - were still moving!
“You did something to him!,” Liu Qingge shouted back. “This time I can’t just sit idly by!”
“I didn’t! He said so himself you imbecile,” Luo Binghe continued to grab, this time managing to get his Liu Qingge’s shoulder. “Return him!”
But Liu Qingge was not ready to give up. Once more the whole room spun and Shen Qingqiu finally had enough.
“STOP,” he shouted with the last of his energy. Finally both of them froze in the mess that was Liu Qingge’s bedroom.
“Shizun what you said can’t be true-,” Luo Binghe’s eyes filled with tears again. “We’re married, you’re my wife how could you say this?!”
“Your what-”
Liu Qingge whirled his head to look at him, but Shen Qingqiu couldn’t take it anymore.
“Binghe, I don’t know how to tell you that even if I spent time with others, even if I am interested in them I will NEVER STOP LOVING YOU OKAY?!”
He hadn’t meant to shout, but after all this time as much as he also adored it, the child tugging on his skirts had worn him down. With his mind still in those depths, he did not know what else to do.
But Luo Binghe… though tears streamed down his face he was smiling.
“Shizun loves me?,” he asked softly.
As the situation had somewhat calmed, Shen Qingqiu simply sat where he was, right by Liu Qingge’s feet. Who came to kneel by his side, adjusting the too large robes around him. Luo Binghe arrived there just as quickly. Finally, he looked up at his husband, reached out with one hand to caress his cheek.
I never said it before. I never told him I loved him.
“Of course I do.”
“But shizun does that mean you love him too?,” Luo Binghe asked.
Shen Qingqiu looked over at his shidi. He tried caressing his cheek as well, and Liu Qingge let out a small whimper.
“I think… maybe I do.”
Liu Qingge did not have any time to react, Luo Binghe was already there to draw Shen Qingqiu close to him.
“But shizun, shizun how can you? He’s so- so stupid and dumb, he only ever brought trouble! Is this disciple not enough for you? What can I do to be enough for you?,” this child babbled, holding him close.
“Binghe, Binghe listen to me, good boy,” he cooed as Luo Binghe calmed a little, his attention fully on him. Shen Qingqiu’s heart was in turmoil, but he was sure of one thing. His fingers lightly caressed his husband’s cheeks, then one hand slowly pet his head. “Listen to me. Above all this master loves his husband. No matter what happens, I will never stop loving you. I will never stop being by your side. I love you, husband. I love you.”
With every of those big L-Words, Luo Binghe’s heart seemed to be soothed.
“You love me more than him?”
Shen Qingqiu had to laugh a little.
“Yes,” he said firmly. He knew that Liu Qingge would see through his words. Hopefully… Shen Qingqiu just knew that though his heart was aching at the moment, there was room in it for them both.
“As long as shizun promises he will always love me more!,” Luo Binghe glanced past him at Liu Qingge. “Though I don’t see why he would possibly like this weakling.”
“If Binghe learned to be a little kinder to his shishu, you would see you two are very much alike.”
“I’m nothing like him!,” came the protest from both of them at the same time.
Shen Qingqiu chuckled to himself, and rested on his husband’s chest.
“This master must sleep a little longer now.”
“Shizun…?”
“Shixiong…?!”
This was not what he had come here for. He hadn’t wanted to make his life more complicated than it already was. How could he possibly manage a clingy child-pup and figure out how to love his shidi at the same time?! Wasn’t he being cruel to Binghe, cruelly selfish?! If he had to do this, why had he done it like this…?
It was utterly, infuriatingly exhausting.
He was still feeling blue!