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* * *
“Hey! Uhh… If you ever find yourself in L.A. we should… get together.”
“Sure… I’ve got to mention, though. I’ve already have a boyfriend and it’s pretty serious, so… But it was really nice meeting you, man. Take care.”
It would be a lie to say that Buck went back home from Texas and never thought about that awkward exchange with TK again. Because he did. He never told anyone, but he kept questioning himself. Why did TK Strand think Buck was hitting on him? Was he? Sure, when he first saw TK he thought he was a cute guy. Bright green eyes, beaming smile, and all that. And he was also nice, and funny, and caring.
But was Buck flirting with him without even knowing so?
It took a while for Buck to realize it wasn’t the first time he thought a guy was cute. Or hot, for that matter. But never before did he thought that actually meant something because… well, he grew up in a heteronormative household with parents that already disapproved of himself for merely existing. For existing and not being enough. So he probably never even gave himself a chance to think about guys the same way he thought about girls. To experiment. To figure himself out.
But now he could, though. If he wanted to. Try new things. New people. And he almost did. A few months after the TK-episode, after finding about Daniel and figuring all that out, he changed his Tinder preferences to both genders and started talking to a guy named Theodore. He was 30-ish and completing his surgical residency. He had two dogs and loved sushi. Tall, brown eyes, ashy-blond hair. Buck knew all that before they even met for the first time.
Because they never did.
Eddie got shot, everything was a mess for a while, and Buck suddenly found himself dating Taylor Kelly. And he kind of forgot about everything. Except he didn’t. And funny enough, it was Taylor the first person he chose to open up about his sexuality. The fact that he was bisexual. Or pansexual. He wasn’t sure about the difference just yet. And surprisingly, Taylor didn’t mind. She even suggested they had a threesome once, with a guy, of course —so Buck could have a chance to actually know if he liked being with a man.
But now Taylor was gone. And he was kind of happy about it, because that relationship never really did work for Buck. And after a while, he was ready to try again. If he was lucky, he’d find another Theodore and this time he would actually go on a date with him. Because that was something important for Buck. He wanted to date, not just fuck —which he could, very easily, because he was goddam hot. But Buck 1.0 was buried in the past and newly-reformed Buck had learnt already that he shouldn’t try to fill that void inside his chest with just casual sex, thank you very much.
* * *
“Well, that was easy,” Maddie grinned after coming back to the kitchen from tucking Yee-Jun into bed.
“She was exhausted, wasn’t she?” Buck laughed without taking his eyes away from his cellphone.
“Completely. I might need you to come over more often.”
Buck chuckled and Maddie poured herself another glass of wine —the last one before bed. She took a seat right next to his baby brother and couldn’t help but glance at his phone. Buck was surfing though an Instagram profile. A guy with long blonde hair and a pretty nice body. A surfer, apparently. But he kind of had a douchy face that she didn’t like that much. She couldn’t picture that guy with Buck and, apparently, his brother was also having second thoughts.
“Does he have a name?” Maddie asked, after sipping her glass of wine.
“James,” muttered Buck. “Ehrm… he wants to meet, but I’m not sure, y’know? I don’t want mi first date with a guy to be with…”
“A douchebag?” Maddie finished the sentence and they both laughed.
Maddie was the only other person besides Taylor that knew Buck was bisexual. After Taylor, he figured that if there was someone he could confide in, that person was his big sister. Shockingly enough, it was not a surprise for Maddie —which kind of was a shock for Buck. She said she always had her suspicions but didn’t think it was appropriate to ask. And she ended the conversation saying something very cheesy along the lines of: “Evan, you have such a big heart that to limit its ability to love by something like gender is just crazy.”
“Yeah, I was thinking he doesn’t look like he’s actually interested in the dating part and I…”
His phone buzzed. He just got a new message and it wasn’t James, asking whether they would finally meet. It was someone else, someone Buck hadn’t really think of for quite a while now. Except for the occasional Instagram interaction now and then.
“Is that…?” Maddie asked.
“No,” mumbled Buck, still a little surprised. “It’s not… It’s TK Strand.”
And he showed her sister the message.
TK Strand: Is that offer to get together if I ever find myself in L.A. still standing?
* * *
“So… You and Carlos…?”
“We are on a break. Sort of,” TK snorted before taking a sip of his non-alcoholic beer. “I don’t really want to get into it. I just needed to take my mind off things.”
Buck tautened a little in his seat. They were in his loft, having a friendly couples of drinks and nothing else. But having learnt that TK and Carlos were no longer together and taking into account the fact that almost two years ago, TK thought Buck wanted to hook up with him… Well, Buck couldn’t help but think that maybe that wasn’t a friendly gathering per se. Would TK want to hook up? Would Buck?
“Easy, whatever your thinking, that’s not it,” TK chortled. “I mean, you’re hot, but I just can’t…” The little light that had irradiated through his face after laughing started to slowly dying away. “I just needed a friendly face to talk to while I was in L.A. Sorry if gave you the wrong impression.”
“No! Don’t apologize! You didn’t…”
It was just Buck. Always overthinking everything.
He got up from his stool, went around the kitchen island and sat right next to TK, with an arm around his shoulders. TK was a really nice guy and Buck was actually sad to know he and Carlos broke up. From what TK had told him, they were perfect for each other. And Buck was sure that they would eventually make up over whatever they bickered about in the first place.
“I’m sure it’s gonna be okay. You’ll see. And I’m here for whatever you need. Even if it’s just for my friendly face”, he grinned. And as always, even though it was probably not necessary, he thought he needed to explain himself. “It’s just… remember when we met in Texas and you thought I was hitting on you? Well, I wasn’t. Or I was, but I didn’t know I was. But that got me thinking, spiraling actually, and coming to terms with me being bisexual. Anyway, because at that moment you thought I was actually flirting, I suddenly thought this was a follow up of some sort. But I really, really I wasn’t expecting anything.”
“Do you always do that?” TK smiled briefly. “Over-explain yourself?”
“Well… yeah,” Buck chuckled. “But hey, at least you’re smiling know.”
TK shook his head, amused, and then rested his forehead in Buck’s shoulder. He was so heartbroken over Carlos that it made Buck’s heart shrunk in his chest. He never felt that way with Taylor. He was actually relieved when they broke up. Happy to be free again. And he didn’t feel that way with Ali either, the hurt coming more from the fact of how and when she left him. As for Abby… well, yeah. Abby sort of broke him at the time. But he knew he would give everything he had to feel that kind of love again. The love that TK and Carlos had.
“You’ll fix it,” he whispered. “You’ll go back to Texas and whatever it was, you’ll fix it. Because you obviously love him with your whole heart.”
TK looked up. Both theirs faces were close, but it didn’t mind because TK was miserable and Buck only wanted to make him feel good, to give him hope. Also, Buck was a little tipsy. And because they were both distracted, neither of them heard the front door open, or the jiggle of the keys on Eddie’s hand. They didn’t even hear Eddie’s steps and how he suddenly and abruptly stopped himself when he faced a scene he definitely didn’t expect to find.
“Oh, sorry. I didn’t know you… I didn’t know you had company, Buck.”
Buck was too concentrated on distancing himself from TK physically —he got up really quickly— to actually understand the tone in Eddie’s voice. Or to question why Eddie didn’t even have the courtesy to say “Hi TK”. They knew each other. They got along in Texas, as far as Buck knew. Perhaps Eddie was just annoyed Buck forgot to mention he already had plans. Because lately he didn’t have any plans and just spent time with Eddie and Christopher. Playing video games, having dinner, watching a movie.
“Sorry, I… Is Chris with you?”
Eddie shook his head.
“Sleepover at Hen and Karen’s.”
He still hadn’t say a word to TK.
“I think I should leave,” mumbled TK, getting up and glancing between Buck and Eddie with a weird look.
“No need,” said Eddie. “I didn’t want to interrupt anything. Like I said, I didn’t know you had company, Buck.” Something in the way he said Buck’s name was one hundred percent weird. “I’ll go. Nice seeing you, Strand.”
And before Buck could think of anything to say, like words were suddenly a concept his brain couldn’t quite understand, Eddie was gone. The door closed with a slam. Buck was left frowning, still processing, while TK went to grab his coat, ready to go even though he hadn’t finished his last bottle of beer yet. A non-alcoholic beer that Buck would never touch anyway.
“Well. That was… weird,” muttered TK.
“Right?” Buck was still frowning, unsure of what just happened.
“I think you two should talk.”
Yeah, sure. But talk about what, exactly?
* * *
When Buck arrived to the firehouse the next day, Eddie was already there, helping Bobby with breakfast. He had meant to text him last night after TK was gone, but didn’t get around to what to say. A short “Uhm… what was that?” didn’t seem appropriate. Definitely. But Buck couldn’t think of any other way to ask because he wasn’t sure just yet of what really happened.
Was Eddie just annoyed that Buck didn’t tell him he was having a beer with someone else and made him drive all the way to his loft in vane? Not that Buck made him do that. Eddie just stepped into his loft out of the blue. But that was usual for them lately, dropping by to each other’s homes unannounced when they had some free time. And the thing is… Eddie could have stayed. The three of them could have shared a couple more beers. Eddie could have help him cheered TK a little, right?
“Hey, Buckaroo.” Chim was the first one to greet him. “You seem awfully thoughtful this morning. That’s never good.”
“Hey, Chim. No, I just… I just didn’t have that much sleep.”
If he had been looking towards the kitchen when he said that, he would have noticed Eddie clenching. Bobby did and whispered a short “Is everything okay?” to which Eddie just nodded. The breakfast was almost ready, so after a quick and general “Mornin’, everyone” from Buck, the team sat down around the kitchen table. If they were lucky enough, they’ll get to eat peacefully before the first alarm went off.
It was an uneventful, regular breakfast. Everything normal, even Eddie sitting right next to Buck, at his usual spot. Buck wasn’t really sure of how he expected Eddie to behave after last night. Maybe he was reading too much into it? Eddie seemed… fine. He even elbowed him after one of Chim’s jokes, Buck too distracted to just laugh as he would normally do.
“You okay?” Eddie asked, when they started collecting the plates and cleaning the table.
And Buck felt a little bit frustrated that it was Eddie the one asking him that.
“Are you?” He blurted before even having a chance to think about it.
“Look, I’m sorry about last night. I didn’t mean to interrupt. Had you told me you were having someone over…” Said Eddie, like it was nothing.
“It was last minute,” Buck excused himself, looking at Eddie out of the corner of his eyes while he started doing the dishes. It really wasn’t. But for some reason, that sounded much better than the ‘I just didn’t think of telling you’ that was tingling in his mouth.
For a brief moment, all they could hear was the water from the faucet, the soft rattling of the dishes and the mumbling of the rest of the team.
“You never mentioned you two were still in touch,” Eddie muttered, like it was not a really big deal. “Is this new or…?”
“W-what?” Buck fumbled for something else to say.
“I thought he was with the policeman, what was his name?” Eddie frowned, trying to remember.
“Carlos,” said Buck. “They broke up.”
“I see…”
Once again, silence. Buck knew what he had to say: I’m not dating TK. We’re just sort of friends. He was in L.A. and needed a friendly face to talk to. He’s heartbroken because he feels like he’s losing the love of his life. But also —why do you think me and TK could be a thing? After all, he never told Eddie that he was bi. Unless Maddie told Chim and Chim told Hen and then Eddie overheard. But no, Maddie wouldn’t do that… right?
“We are not…” Buck started. He changed his mind at the last minute. “Why do you think…?”
But he couldn’t finish his question because the alarm went off. They left everything on the sink and barely get to turn off the faucet before running to the trucks. There was still a lot Buck wanted to say and to ask, but he went into work-mode very quickly. There was a small fire in a residential area and two kids were locked in the basement. It was not an easy call, but everything turned out to be alright.
Unfortunately for Buck —or not— it was call after call once they came back from the burning house, so his little chat with Eddie had to be postponed.
* * *
It wasn’t easy for Eddie, admitting he had feelings for Buck. The “I love you and want to spend my life with you” type of feelings.
He realized he was screwed shortly after his panic attack. He was lying in bed one night, thinking on how a life with Ana made his body and brain said: nope, absolutely not. He knew Ana wasn’t right for him and made peace with that. But he kept thinking how a life of watching movies, having dinner together, watching her help Chris with his homework and such could make him feel that way. Could make him panic.
Wasn’t it weird? Because honestly, he already had that with someone else. It was everything that Buck already did with him and Christopher. The movies, the dinners —and breakfasts—, the homework. And thinking of having Buck fill that spot for the rest of their lives didn’t make him feel as sick to his stomach as having Ana do that.
And… Oh. Oh. Was it…? Did he feel…?
It took him several therapy sessions with Frank to bring up the topic. And quite a few more to accept that what he felt for Buck wasn’t just a strong sense of friendship. He loved Buck as a friend, yes. But he also loved him as something else. He was in love with Buck. He had been for a while now, just lying to himself about his feelings
Frank helped him understand his repressed homosexuality. How his up-tight Christian upbringing and the close-minded mentality of Texans made him hide who he really was from very early on. It went back as far as Thomas, his high school best friend. Eddie never liked June, Thomas’ girlfriend. Kind of like he never liked Taylor for Buck. But he wasn’t sure why. He didn’t want to admit why.
Eddie disguised his feelings for other guys as just a strong friendship his whole life. He tried to rationalized his sexual encounters with other men when he was in the army, on tour, as something they both needed —a release—, and not something he actually wanted. He left himself believe he was in love with Shannon. And yes, he loved Shannon, just not in that way. Still, he would always be grateful to her for giving him Chris. And he would always miss her.
But Buck… He couldn’t just keep lying to himself. Buck had become everything for him —and for Chris. He was sweet, thoughtful, caring, and hot. God, Buck was so hot that, after Eddie realized his feelings for him, he had a hard time trying to keep his eyes away from Buck. From his lips, from his biceps, from his abs when he would take off his shirt after a gym session.
Because Buck was his friend. His straight friend. Eddie couldn’t let himself get carried away. He would never, ever jeopardize that friendship. He was willing to just swallow his feelings and keep acting normal. Whatever he needed to keep Buck by his side, even if it wasn’t in the way he wanted to. He knew that sooner or later, Buck would start dating again. And he would accept that. But until the next Taylor Kelly showed up in Buck’s life, he was his. His hot, adorable, incredibly compassionate, straight friend.
Perhaps that’s why the night he run into Buck and freaking TK Strand about to kiss, he felt so out of place. Because thinking that Buck was straight and that not in a million years Eddie would have a chance with him —well, that’s what was keeping him sane. But seeing them at Buck’s loft, their faces so close, the scene so intimate… It made him sick. He felt incredibly jealous, but also heartbroken. Perhaps Buck did like men —just not him.
He was grateful Buck didn’t text him or call him that night, although he didn’t want to think of the reasons why. He was just glad he had some time to calm himself, think and regroup. So the next morning, at the firehouse, he did his best to act normal. He even found the strength to talk about the subject without actually asking why he never told him he was gay, or bi or just into the Strand boy. He dealt with the conversation as if he had found Buck with any girl. Or at least that’s what he told himself.
But then Buck was about to say something. “We are not…” And Eddie froze. He and TK were not together, was that what he was about to say? Eddie didn’t really know what he wanted to hear. On one hand, Buck telling him that he and TK were not together or anything like that because —obviously— he was straight, would be comforting somehow. Because Eddie could hold on to that little string of sanity again, that Buck was straight and that’s why he would never have a chance.
But then, if Buck was actually into TK, that meant he was into guys. That meant that, if things didn’t work out between them, then Eddie could have his chance. Maybe. After all, Buck didn’t know he was gay. It wasn’t something he would thought of telling his best friend —or anybody—, because he wasn’t planning on acting on it. He didn’t want to meet guys or anything, not as long as Buck already gave him everything he needed. Except… well, something very naughty that now and then Eddie found himself thinking about.
However, even if Buck was gay, or bi, or whatever… and if things didn’t work out with Strand… what would make Eddie think he had a chance? What if Buck didn’t think of him that way anyhow? What if…?
He could finally stop spiraling when the alarm went off.
* * *
We are not. Those three words kept replaying in Eddies’ head —he didn’t even get the chance to hear the rest, too busy worrying. They were not? Dating? He wanted to ask. He thought about picking up the conversation shortly after their last call, but he never got around to it. Then Bobby made dinner and urged them to try and get some sleep, which they did —try. And suddenly it was the morning after and they had to head back home.
“Hey, you tired?”
Eddie looked over his shoulder, Buck making his way to him in the parking lot. He didn’t have his duffel bag with him, probably left him in his jeep already. He looked tentative and Eddie started to feel a little nervous. He stopped right next to the driver’s door and turn to front Buck.
“Kind of. Couldn’t really sleep and when I was about to, we had that last call,” he sighed. He did get one full hour of sleep after that, but that was it.
“Right, yeah. Me neither. Couldn’t sleep,” said Buck. “But I was thinking… maybe, do you have time for breakfast? I could make us something.”
Eddie hesitated. Buck making breakfast sounded tempting, not only because he was a really great cook, but because Eddie loved the sight of Buck in his kitchen, cooking for him. Lately, he had been dreaming of having Buck make breakfast for him and Christopher every single morning. He dreamed of having Buck with him every single day. Of waking up right next to Buck, teasing him about how he snored so loud Eddie couldn’t sleep.
“Sure. Why not?” He offered a faint smile.
After all, he was supposed to act normal, wasn’t he? He and Buck, breakfast after a long shift, that was normal.
They both got into Eddie’s truck and headed over the Diaz’ residency. Buck could pick up his jeep later. Carla had already sent Christopher to school, she texted Eddie when they were halfway there —Buck read the text out loud and replied to her. So they got to an empty, clean house. Carla always left everything spotless and Eddie was really glad for that, never having the strength to lift a finger to clean after a long shift, at least until he got a few hours of sleep.
Eddie left his things in his room and Buck headed straight to the kitchen. After a few minutes there were two plates with omelets with bacon, mushroom and cheese, and apple-orange juice. It smelled delicious and both of them dove right into it while they watched TV and talk about nothing in particular, like they used to. And for a moment, Eddie thought that was it. That he could just forget what he saw two nights ago, or the conversation they started having in the firehouse and never finished.
He was obviously mistaken.
“So…” Buck started, hesitant. “Why did you think me and TK could be a thing?”
Eddie almost choked with the last bite of mushroom he was trying to swallow. He grabbed the glass of juice and took a sip. He glanced at Buck quickly. Eddie cleared his throat and put the glass down over the coffee table in front of them. He leaned back on the couch and… just shrugged.
“Well… I did catch you both about to kiss,” he said, serious, calm, like it wasn’t tearing him apart. He didn’t look at Buck, he just stared into the television in from of them.
“We were not,” Buck denied. “Eds, he was just sad because he broke up with his boyfriend. I was just trying to comfort him.”
“Hmm.”
Eddie was still not looking at Buck. He even crossed his arms in front of his chest, like that could detach him from that conversation. So they were not about to kiss. They were just friends. Eddie misread the situation, spiraled over nothing and Buck… He was still straight. Which was good and bad at the same time. Eddie will need at least a few days to recover. Because deep down, when he thought maybe Buck did like men, there was hope. A small, stupid ray of hope.
“But what did you just assume something could happen?” Buck insisted. “I never told you I was into guys. Like, I am. But I never told you that. Is it… that obvious now? Is that why you are mad? Because I didn’t tell you I was bi?”
That was so much information thrown at him that Eddie’s brain just fried. For a moment, he couldn’t think, he couldn’t move. He finally turned to look Buck straight into his face, shocked. He noticed Buck was blushing, he probably didn’t plan to come out to him that way. And he just didn’t know what to do. What to say. So he said the only thing he probably wasn’t supposed to say.
“Well, I’m gay and never told you, so it would be kind of hypocritical of me to be mad about that, right?”
“Wait, what?” It was Buck’s turn to look utterly and completely staggered. “But you… Shannon. And…”
“It’s a long story,” Eddie sighed. And he was definitely not going to share it whole with Buck. What was he going say? The only reason I realized I’m gay is because I’m in love with you? Not in a million years.
“I bet,” Buck stumbled. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Yay, gay rights?” Eddie tried to lighten the mood. And it worked. Buck roared with laughter.
“So, does anybody else know?” Buck asked, after wiping a tear of his face, his belly aching for how much he had laughed.
Eddie shook his head and then tilted it briefly to one side.
“Well, Frank. Obviously.”
“Obviously,” Buck nodded.
“You?”
“Ehr… just Maddie.” He made a funny face and Eddie instantly knew he was lying. He gave him a just-tell-me look and Buck caved. “And Taylor.”
Ouch, that hurt. Taylor knowing before he did. Eddie really didn’t want to know the context in which Buck’s ex-girlfriend found out, so he didn’t push. But he did ask for how long Buck had known, fully aware that could backfire if Buck asked the same question and he wasn’t able to change his story a little bit.
They talked for almost an hour. Hearing about the gay crisis Buck had after the trip to Texas was kind of funny. And Eddie was happy they could talk about that. He was happy to know that side of Buck, even if it made everything more difficult for him. How was he supposed to manage a single, bisexual Evan Buckley? Well, he would have to find the way. He wasn’t about to ruin what they had. Their friendship.
But what if there was a possibility it wouldn’t ruin anything, that it would actually make it better?
* * *
“You think they bangin’ yet?” Chim asked.
Hen elbowed him hard. Chimney groaned theatrically while rubbing his side.
“That was uncalled for.”
“Don’t you dare make jokes about this, Chim,” Hen pointed a finger at him. “Let them be. Let them figure it out by themselves.”
“Hen,” Chim looked at her sternly. “It’s been years. I expect it from Buck because, well, you know, he’s kind of dumb.” Hen rolled her eyes. “But Eddie should know better. And look at them! Come on.”
“Let them be, Chim,” she hummed, before turning away.
Chimney crossed his arms and look down at where Buck and Eddie where clearly flirting right next to a truck.
“Kids these days…”
* * *
It’s been almost a month since they both came out to each other and things were definitely different. Sharing that part of themselves brought them closer together, which was good. Before knowing Eddie was gay, because of how he reacted when he run into him and TK that night, Buck thought that his friend might be uncomfortable with how close they were, if Buck were to like men. So when he found Eddie was gay and he realized his relationship wouldn’t change, he was relieved.
Except it did change.
They were suddenly more comfortable with physical touch. Their knees would bump and their thighs would press when they were sitting next to each other in the truck. And neither of them will pull away. They would rub their arms or shoulders with affection. Buck would fall asleep on Eddies shoulder during movie night or Eddie would put his arm around Buck’s shoulder without realizing so. They would hug for longer than they used to.
One time, when they were in the roof, drinking coffee and watching the sun rise after a tough call, Buck would shiver and Eddie would put his arm around him to make him warm again. And none would realize the exchange of looks between Hem and Chimney. Or how Bobby would smile suspiciously before taking a sip of his coffee. Our how Ravi would try to hide a giggling sound and Lucy would just roll her eyes.
Things were different and it was good. But it was also bad, because Buck realized how much he actually liked that. The warm of Eddie’s arm around him, the smell of his aftershave and how he would quietly snore, like a small buzzing sound, when he was the one that fell asleep first during movie night.
Buck realized that the only reason he never looked at Eddie that way was because he thought he was straight. And his mind compartmentalized. Eddie, his straight friend in one box. His sexual attraction for men in a different box. The content on both never allowed to mix. Until he found out Eddie liked men. Until they started being more affectionate with each other and Buck just couldn’t handle it anymore, and the content on both boxes spilled and mixed and everything was a mess.
“I think I’m in love with Eddie,” said Buck, quietly, staring right into his beer.
“Well, that tracks,” Maddie snickered.
“Oh, come on!” Buck protested, looking up. He lowered his voice. He didn’t want to wake up his niece, sleeping in his bed upstairs. “I get you not being surprised by me being bisexual, but this? You can’t tell me you saw it coming,” he snorted in disbelief.
Maddie laughed, amused. She took a sip of her wine of glass and raised an eyebrow.
“Buck, I think the only one who didn’t see it coming was you,” she sighed. “You spent an awful lot of time together, even for best friends. You worry about each other like crazy. You’re co-parenting his child. And for what Chimney told me, lately you’ve been smiling and giggling at each other like a couple of teenagers.”
“Wait, Chim, knows?” Buck asked, flushing.
“Haven’t you been listening to me? I bet everybody knows. Suspect, at least.” She reached over the kitchen counter and grabbed his baby brother’s hand. She squeezed tenderly. “You light up whenever he is around you. And this is not something recent. He makes you happy. You make him happy, Buck.”
“You think so?”
Buck had told Maddie about the mutual coming out scene, feeling a bit guilty about it because he knew Eddie wasn’t ready to tell anybody just yet. But hell, if Maddie was right, that wouldn’t mind. If everyone already were kind of rooting for them to get together, then… He wasn’t crazy. The last few weeks, the closeness, the affection, it wasn’t all in his head. Maybe, maybe Eddie felt the same. Maybe it wasn’t just the fact that he felt more comfortable knowing what they both knew. Maybe it was something else.
“I’m scared,” he muttered. “I’m scared of screwing everything up. Eddie, he… I can’t lose him, Maddie. I can’t lose what we have. I feel… I feel like I’m being greedy, you know? Hoping for more? Wanting more?”
“Buck, you deserve more,” she said. She was smiling, but there was a drop of pain in the way he looked at him. Probably hating the damage his parents did to him, make him think his whole life that he wasn’t enough. That he didn’t deserve more.
“I don’t know. What if he doesn’t…?”
“What if he does?” She insisted. “Buck, you’re right. What you already have is a beautiful, strong, incredible friendship. Eddie loves you, at least as a friend, right?” He nodded. “Then, do you really think he would push away if you tell him what you feel and he doesn’t feel the same way?”
Buck shook his head.
“You’re right,” he mumbled. Then he closed his eyes and he made a face. “Oh my god, I have to tell him how I feel, don’t I?”
“You absolutely have to.”
* * *
Buck’s hands were sweating. It’s been almost a week from his little talk with Maddie. Every single day since that night, he tried to work up the courage to say something to Eddie, but he couldn’t. He was just too afraid. He knew Maddie was right —about everything. But he couldn’t stop himself from asking all the what ifs. What if everyone was wrong? What if Eddie didn’t think of him that way? Or worse. What if they tried and failed, and everything went south, and he lost his best friend, the love of his life, as well as the child he thought of as his own?
“You lost your keys, Buckley?” Eddie teased him.
Buck looked up. He hadn’t realized he’d been standing in Eddie’s front door like an idiot.
“Sorry, got distracted.”
Eddie didn’t say anything, he stepped aside and let him come in.
“Wait, you’re cooking?”
The smell of baked onions, chicken and paprika caught his attention immediately.
“I swear you won’t get poisoned,” Eddie offered a half-smile. “I thought we could use a change. You’re always cooking for me. Us.” He coughed awkwardly.
That’s when Buck realized Chris hadn’t come out of his room to greet him just yet.
“Sleepover at Hen’s,” said Eddie, following Buck’s gaze towards the hall. “He and Denny are really getting along. A lot of talks about building a spaceship of some sort.”
So there were just the two of them.
“That’s nice,” was all Buck had to say while he made his way to the kitchen.
He felt awfully awkward not having anything to do. But he also liked watching Eddie having control of the cooking situation. Like, he really liked it, to the point he stared at Eddie’s back like an infatuated sixteen-year-old. Until he was able to snap himself out of it and offer to grab two beers from the refrigerator, which Eddie welcomed. Then he started talking about something Yee-Jun did the other day and how proud he was. And he swore Eddie was smiling fondly at every word he said, even if Buck couldn’t see his face.
Dinner went well. They talked about last shift, Christopher’s homework, and Buck’s annoying new neighbors. Buck was able to relax and not think about the love confession that was tickling his gut and wanted to come out already. Especially when he was doing the dishes and Eddie was right next to him, staring intensely. Buck wasn’t making any of that up. The way Eddie was looking at him… that was different, even for the past few weeks.
“So, what are we watching?” He asked, when they sat down on the couch and Eddie turned on the TV, popcorns and beers ready.
“I think it’s called Single All The Way,” said Eddie nonchalantly while he started browsing for the movie on Netflix.
“Wait, a Christmas rom-com?” Buck laughed, too focused on pulling Eddie’s leg for his movie choice to actually think about it. “I thought we were going to watch something like Transformers.”
“Well, I can’t help it that you have the taste of a ten-year-old. But, ahm, Hen and Karen said it was good.” Eddie scratched between his eyebrows.
It was about a guy, Peter, that had to convince his best friend Nick to join him for the holidays and pretend they were in a relationship just to stop his family from messing with his love life. “So it’s a gay rom-com”, Buck thought and swallow deeply, suddenly too aware of Eddie’s body right next to him.
Buck did his best to concentrate on the movie, but it was hard. Especially, after a particular line. People who look at each other like that are not just friends. It was torture. Did Eddie know what he was doing to him with that movie? Did he plan on that? Or was him just blindly following Hen’s suggestion? Buck remembered Maddie saying that everybody knew.
“Ok, I can’t take it anymore,” Buck grabbed the remote and pressed pause.
“What’s wrong?” Suddenly, Eddie looked worried.
“Eddie, this movie…”
“What about it?” Eddie swallowed. “Do you… do you not like it? Do you want to watch something else?”
“Eddie,” Buck sighed. “Is this movie about us?” But before Eddie could say anything, Buck started to ramble. “Because you’re my best friend, you know that, right? Like… I never had someone like you in my life and you mean so much to me. And they’re right. Like, in the movie. People who look at each other that way are no just friends. And I… I look at you that way. God, I look at you like you’re my everything. And sometimes I think… I think that maybe you… look at me the same way. But I don’t know, and Maddie says everybody already know, but I just…”
“Shut up,” Eddie blurted.
“Fuck. Eddie, I’m sorry. I didn’t want to…”
But Buck didn’t get a chance to finish because he suddenly felt Eddie’s lips pressed against his own. He took just a second to realized what was happening and then he opened his mouth and took Eddie all in. He raised one hand to press the back of Eddie’s neck and used the other to grabbed him by his shirt and pull him even closer to him. Eddie reacted to that eagerly, digging deeply into the kiss, with one hand in Buck’s waist and the other one in his hair. Buck let out a soft moan when Eddie pull him by the hair a little.
“So I finally found a way to shut you up,” Eddie whispered into Buck’s lips when they both had to stop for some air.
“I… Just…”
Eddie laughed, delighted at the sight of a speechless Buck. He pressed his forehead against Buck’s and moved his hand from his hair to his chin. He traced circles on it with his thumb, feeling a little bit of the stubble.
“You’re right. Everybody knows. Wanna know what Hen said a week ago when I came to her asking for advice? Finally.”
They both laughed and then stayed in silence, just like that, taking it all in.
“I love you,” Buck whispered, a trace of fear in his voice.
“I love you,” Eddie said back. “I loved you for quite a while now and I’ll always love you, Evan.” His name in Eddie’s lips made Buck shiver. “I know it’s cheesy, but I really didn’t know love ‘till I found you.”
“Me neither. What I feel for you. God, Eddie, I’m so head over heels for you. And that scares me, if I have to be honest. I don’t want to…”
“We won’t screw this up. Promise,” Eddie reassured. He kissed Buck on the corner of his lips, softly, lovingly. “It’s just… what we already had. But with kisses,” he grinned.
“I honestly hope with more than just kisses,” Buck simpered before catching Eddies lower lip with his teeth.
And it was more than just kisses. Much more.