Chapter Text
By the time Team pulled back into the dorm parking lot he felt physically ill. His body hurt and his eyes stung. He wanted to vomit and scream and cry.
He wanted Win.
Except Win didn’t know yet – Win didn’t know and going to him right now would open all the doors, reveal all the demons, and Team wasn’t sure he was ready for that.
So, he sat there in his car at five fifteen in the morning after driving none stop since eleven the night before when he had finally decided he couldn’t take it anymore. He couldn’t take the looks, the passive-aggressive comments from his grandparents –
“Must be nice, growing up, going away to college, pretending as though you did nothing wrong,” Team’s aunt had cornered him shortly after his grandfather cut the birthday cake. She sloshed her mostly empty drink in his direction and continued darkly, “I wish it had been you,”
“So do I,” had fallen from Team’s lips without pause, he blamed it on the beer.
“Bastard!”
Team took a deep breath, forcing the conversation out of his head as best he could. He’d only gone to his grandfather’s birthday because his mother had been trying to guilt him into it – and then Win and Pharm had added to that once they knew what the event was for. Which hurt, though Team couldn’t blame them for their ignorance – he was the person who kept them in the dark after all.
Of course, his aunt had been there, the person he always tried hardest to avoid. All of her hatred was already tattooed deep in his brain, it didn’t need to be touched up or added to.
“Bastard! If that’s the case, then why didn’t you let yourself die with him? If you hadn’t pulled him under the water in the first place, he would have lived! You should have died. That’s what you should have done!” Her words slurred together as she delivered her signature greeting to Team, “I hope I outlive you – I hope you feel his pain before I die,”
His phone dinged bringing him back to the present, it was already five-thirty.
“Hope you are having fun. Miss you,” the message from Win felt like it mocked him.
A lump formed quickly in Team’s throat, he wanted to crawl into Win’d bed and block out the world, “what will you think of me, Hia?” He whispered and swallowed thickly. Team can pretend things are fine, he had done it for years.
After several deep breaths, Team finally typed out a response, “I actually just pulled in. Can I come up or are you busy today,”
No sooner than Team unbuckled and grabbed his bag from the back, did his phone ring.
“What happened? It’s not even six Team, have you been driving all night?”
“I’m fine,” he managed to keep his voice level and calm, “I’d just had enough is all,”
“Team,” Win paused for a moment, “you left yesterday morning,”
The implications were clear – the underlying question, it’s a six-hour drive Team, you left yesterday morning at nine…what happened?
But Team ignored it, “I’d just had enough. Can I come up?”
“Of course,” Win said softly.
“I’ll be there in a minute,” Team ended the call before Win could ask any more questions. He could ignore it. He always ignored it.
Win had the door open for him when Team arrived, though he was clearly trying to seem casual everything about Win screamed concern, “you look exhausted,”
Team felt a small smile appear on his face, “I’ve been up since yesterday morning. I am exhausted.”
Win looked lost – a look that had become rare in the months since they officially started dating, “if I ask, will you tell me?”
Team stood there holding his bag for almost a minute. He’d said he would share everything someday, he wanted to, but the conversation with his aunt was still so close to the surface. Finally, he managed, “I don’t know how,” he says it flat and quiet. “let’s just forget it, Hia, for now,” Team sighed, dropping his bag to the floor, “can we nap first?”
“Okay,” but the concern and worry never left Win’s face.
*~*~*~*
He doesn’t sleep, which wasn’t surprising. After all these years – all the times his aunt has said her piece – Team’s body never let him sleep afterward. Instead, he’d lay there contemplating the validity of her words. They were valid – he couldn’t blame her – Team had single-handedly destroyed the family. Why wouldn’t she hate him? He’d killed her son, caused her divorce, and sparked her drinking – the fact he lived carved a valley between her and his mother. His life shrouded the family in a perpetual funeral veil.
He sighed as quietly as possible. Win had managed to fall back to sleep, his arms wrapped loosely around Team. It was comforting, much more so than curling up alone had ever been, but even with Win’s warmth Team’s mind was still lost somewhere else.
As if sensing his turmoil, Win burrowed his forehead into Team’s shoulder, “you need more sleep than I do. Why are you awake?” There was a thin layer of drowsiness that weaved through all the words, but it was fragile enough to be broken should Team need it.
A sudden wave of love and affection washed over Team, it collided so harshly with the pain that he could stop his eyes from welling; he blamed Win entirely, “go back to sleep,”
The obvious emotions coming from Team immediately roused Win completely, “was it a nightmare?” He sounded aghast at having slept through one.
But Team just shook his head and curled up enough to hide his face in the crook of Win’s neck, biting his lip and cheeks as hard as possible to prevent any further tears.
“Hey, Team,” Win tightened his hold, “what’s wrong? Please…I can’t fix it if I don’t know,”
With another shake, Team gasped out, “you can’t fix it,”
“I can try,” this only increased Team’s shaking, “let me try…please,” they stayed wrapped in each other for quite some time. Eventually, when Team calmed down, Win pulled away to get a better look – instead of pressing further he placed a kiss on Team’s forehead and changed the subject entirely, “I was planning on meeting Dean and Pharm for brunch around nine. Do you wanna go? Pharm is cooking. We don’t have to tell them you came back so early,” he hurried to reassure Team, “we can say you had car trouble yesterday before you got there and ended up coming back,”
“If I tell him I don’t want to talk about it, he’ll respect that,”
“Because Pharm is the superior friend,” Win mocked Dean playfully despite his lacking presence, “it’s almost eight now. We can shower and then grab a coffee on the way?”
Team nodded slowly, “can I…”
“Can you what Team?”
“Can I shower with you?” It wasn’t something he ever asked. Win did, on occasion, normally for the purposes of making out, but Team never had.
And Win clearly could tell the difference, “sure - I’ll wash your hair with my shampoo, the one you love so much,”
“I only love it 'cause it’s yours,” he could feel the flush run up his cheeks.
Team was thankful for the lack of questions; it was hard to explain – and he never had before – but sometimes water was just too much. He could get past it most days, swim as though nothing could stop him, but on other days the thought of being surrounded by water spiked his anxiety to a near-nauseating level.
With Win, it was warm and comforting. The older man barely took his hands off Team, always grasping his shoulder or his forearm, a nice grounding warmth.
It didn’t take long for them to finish bathing and before Team was even fully aware, Win had pulled his old swimming sweatshirt over Team’s head, “this should keep you warm,” he muttered by Team’s ear. The fact that Win’s old sweatshirt was the piece of clothing used to help Team on the worst nights was left unspoken.
The ride to Pharm’s was mostly quiet. Except for the single concerned question from Win when he realized Team had started his drive last evening after he’d been drinking.
“It was only two beers, Hia,” Team admitted shamefully.
“Next time call me,”
“It was six hours away…you wouldn’t have been able to come and get me,”
“I could have found one of my parents’ employees and had them drive you most of the way…”
Team chose not to argue anymore after that.
Dean was the one who opened the door when they arrived, the mild shock of seeing Team flashed for only a couple seconds before it disappeared back into Dean’s normal stoic persona, “good morning – I hope you didn’t drive back just for Pharm’s cooking?”
“I’d fly across country for Pharm’s cooking,” Team countered.
“Good morning!” Pharm caught Team’s eye, and the latter could tell Pharm had a million and one questions, “Team! I didn’t think you’d be back so early,”
Before Team could respond, Win did, “he surprised me this morning,” it was said with a blinding smile, but the slight protective overtones were missed by no one.
“And Team says he’s bad at romantic gestures,” Pharm playful shot back making sure to convey more to Team, “I’m here if you need me,” his eyes said.
“Not all of us can be master chiefs,” Team sniffed the air comically, “smells good,” he followed Pharm the short distance into the small kitchen.
Everything was neat and organized, freshly made dishes were sitting out on the counter covered to keep in the heat, the dishes were already washed and drying, it smelt heavenly.
“So?”
Team shook his head at the question and as expected, Pharm dropped it, “I’m glad you came – I made way too much food for just three people,”
Suddenly Team realized he still wasn’t hungry. Yesterday he had managed to get through half a bowl of soup at the celebration before guilt leached the rest of his hunger away. And that had been shortly after he’d arrived. Other than that, he’d only had a couple of beers, a half cup of coffee he’d downed in an attempt to be alert shortly after midnight, and a half bottle of lukewarm water he’d found under the passenger seat of his car.
At least he was no longer nauseous, he could force himself to eat some, “good! Cause I’m hungry,” Team lied with a smile. He chose not to acknowledge how obvious it was that no one bought it.
They were only about halfway through the meal when the phone rang and Team knew before looking at it that it was either his mother, scolding him for running away without a word, or his aunt, berating him for everything else. If he’d been alone, Team would have Ignored it. Let it go to voice mail, let them call again, repeat, repeat. But he wasn’t alone, and the phone had been facing up.
With a calming breath, Team answered as chipper as he dared, “Good morning,”
“Ran away again! Honestly, not even man enough to fight your own battles! Instead running back to that boy, I know you’re fooling around with,” his aunt’s voice was shrill and loud, from how the other three people at the table stilled – they could clearly hear some of what was being said.
“Don’t bring anyone else into this,” Team responded darkly, “I left because I wanted –“
“You left because you are a worthless waste, a worthless murderous waste,”
Win grabbed the phone from Team’s grasp and hit ‘speaker’ bringing all the worst things about Team out into the open unintentionally.
“You said you wished you had died with him! So why don’t you finally do something right!”
Team had gone numb when she started speaking, only brought back for a moment when she attempted to slander Win, but the other three people tensed in rage and distress.
“I hope you drown your boyfriend too. Maybe then you’ll understa-“
Dean hit the end call button before she could finish, and without a word, he also blocked her number.
The fresh silence was heavy though Team refused to look up from the spot on the table his eyes had fallen to after he’d taken the call, he could feel Win almost vibrating beside him and could tell Pharm was equally distressed.
“I’m sorry,”
“Team –“
“I was going to tell you…I was going to tell everyone…I wasn’t,” he paused breathlessly, it was like the oxygen was being sucked out of the room. It was suddenly dark and cold, like the water had been, “it’s not a secret – it just…”
“You need to breathe, Team,”
Dean’s words sparked something in the other two because suddenly there was a blur of movement around the edges of Team’s vision.
“Team, baby, I’m going to hold onto you, okay? Just like after a bad dream, alright?” Win sounded desperate and Team wasn’t sure exactly why.
Maybe because of what his aunt had said…maybe, “I’m sorry, I won’t drown you…I’ll never swim again if you want, I’ll,”
“Please, just stop talking,” Win’s voice broke.
“Here,” Pharm places a glass of water down on the table just at the edge of Team’s sight, “it’s cold – it should help,”
Team’s phone started to ring again, still in Dean’s hands, “hello – no, this isn’t Team,”
“Wait,” Team turned in time to see Dean stand and leave the room, looking as though someone had dared to insult Pharm in front of him, “that’s my – for me,”
“Team, let Dean deal with it,” Pharm’s hands were suddenly touching Team’s cheeks, they were cold and calming, “who was that?”
“My aunt,” the look in Pharm’s eye was a strange cross of loathing and sadness, neither of which made sense at the moment to Team.
“Your aunt?” Win’s arms were still circled around him, if Team was more aware he’d try to escape, “is she the reason you left yesterday?”
“Mostly,”
“Yesterday?” Pharm looked behind him, toward Win.
“He got back sometime after five this morning – drove through the night,”
Pharm’s eyes knitted together, “through the night? Team that’s not safe. You’re clearly exhausted,”
Team opened his mouth to say something when Dean returned. He looked angry, maybe even disgusted, and Team’s entire being suddenly broke open and turned inside out.
Dean was angry and disgusted because he now knew the truth, he spoke to Team’s aunt, and he must have agreed with her. Now Dean knew everything - he’d never want Win or Pharm to see Team again. Team was a bad omen – a curse. He’ll destroy Win eventually, and now Dean knows…and Pharm. Pharm was Team's first real friend he couldn’t…
“I’m sorry,”
“I’m not mad,” Pharm immediately backed down alarmed at Team’s sudden response.
But Team no long acknowledged Pharm or Win, barely even Dean, “I’m sorry…it was an accident,” his voice cracked horribly, “I didn’t want – we were going to go to the Olympics together,” the words rasped out, clinging to the air Team no longer seemed capable of breathing in, “if I could switch places I would…please! I’m sorry!”
“Team?!”
“What happened?”
“Team…”
“I’m sorry… I never…” Team’s vision was swimming with tears and inky blackness.
“Hold onto him, Win! He’s going to pass out!”
“I am holding him! Team, you need to calm down please!”
“Watch it!! Careful there’s glass –“
“I got him!”
“Team!”
*~*~*
The first thing Team became aware of was that he was warm, but not uncomfortably so. The next thing was the scent of Win’s body wash and aftershave, which meant Team was also safe. So, he couldn’t fully piece together why his brain was jumping to sheer panic so unnecessarily.
“I still can't believe she said that…he was a little kid…”
“I worry he believes it…”
So many voices.
“Team?”
“Is he waking up?” That was Pharm’s voice wasn’t it, why was he upset? Was it something to do with the past lives thing or did someone say something? “He’s been out too long…”
“He hasn’t slept in over a day, Pharm. He’s alright,” Dean? Why was –
Shit
Team wasn’t able to sit up quickly like he wanted, between the residual dizziness and Win’s arms protectively baring him in.
“Whoa, Team easy,” Win’s voice was right by Team’s ear, soft and soothing. “You had a panic attack, do you remember? You blacked out on us, Baby…it was real scary,”
“Team,” Pharm sounded upset, “drink some water, you're still really pale…do you need another blanket?”
“Pharm, he’s alright. Just give him the water,” Dean spoke reassuringly, “everything is alright Team,” he added seeing the glow of hesitation.
“You aren’t - you’re not –“
“None of that,” Win cut him off, thin and panicked himself – it was reminiscent of the night he’d saved Team from drowning, “I want you to focus on breathing and me. I’m going to get jealous if you pay attention to anything else, alright?”
“Okay, Hia…” Team was still breathless. He carefully accepted the straw Pharm had presented him with, the cold water really helped bring Team back into the present, who knew he’d been so thirsty? “Thanks, Pharm,”
“It’s nothing…after everything you’ve done for me, Team…” Pharm’s face looked upset for a moment, “I’ll always be here for you too. You know that, right?”
“But –“
Pharm’s face crumbled still further, and he skillfully managed to wrap his arms around Team without dislodging Win, “there are no buts. I’m just sorry I didn’t know sooner…”
But how much did they know? Dean, he’d been the one to speak to –
“Team,” Win squeezed him a couple of times, “you need to focus on me remember?”
He nodded slowly and lowered his head so that it fully rested on Win, they’d been tangled together on Pharm bed, “I’m sorry Hia…I wanted to tell you,”
“And I told you when you were ready,”
“But you deserve to know that I –“
“Had a horrible thing happen when you were a child and you, seem to, have been forced to endure endless torture for it…no…I don’t deserve to know that Team. Not any more than you deserved to live through that…”
“Team?” With a slight startled, Team lifted his head to look at Dean – but despite all his concerns, Dean just looked sad, “here. Some sugar will probably help some too,” he handed over one of Pharm’s deserts.
“Thanks,” the sugar seemed to help almost immediately, “what – what did she say to you?”
Dean watched carefully for several beats, waiting for something, before responding, “it wasn’t your aunt, it was your mother,”
“Oh…so she scolded you in my stead?” He tried to add humor to it, but everything fell flat.
“She’s wrong – you don’t owe your aunt anything. Especially, with how she obviously mistreats you,”
“I do,” Team pulled away from Win just slightly, “I ruined her entire family – our entire family – I owe her everything. I,”
“No.” Dean’s voice did that thing he does during practice, where all arguments disappear, “you survived an accident,”
“It wasn’t…I wanted,” Team sighed and closed his eyes. His brain was in shambles, when he next spoke to his aunt it was going to be even worse than last evening – his mother too. Why was he so pathetic, “I wanted to swim that day…”
“And?”
Pharm’s voice startled him, “I’m the one that killed him Pharm, my own cousin” Team said weakly.
“No, you are not,” Win had never sounded so upset, “all your nightmares…you always…fuck – Team, you did nothing wrong,” he tightened his hold again, forcing Team to snuggle into his chest, his own voice breaking.
The four remained quiet for a time, Dean occasionally looking at his or maybe Team’s phone and Pharm rewarming some food in a hopeful plea to get Team to eat a bit more. Win kept his arms tight and secure around Team, occasionally murmuring things to him.
It was Dean who broke the silence with a hesitant determination, “Team, I want to ask you something – need to – alright? There’s no wrong answer, okay?”
Retracting himself from Win, Team turned towards Dean. The only man looked oddly expressive at the moment, sadness and desperation painted his face clear as day, “okay.”
Whatever he’d been expecting, it wasn’t the genuine concern he got.
“Your aunt said,” Dean paused, carefully, “that you’d said you’d wished you’d died,”
Oh. Right, that had happened last evening when she’d cornered him and Team couldn’t scrub the guilt before his lightly intoxicated brain had answered, “it would have been easier,”
Team could see the cogs spinning in Dean’s eyes, a kind of understanding had been reached as though an old question was finally answered, “do you –“ the swim president swallowed thickly, and Team was vaguely aware of Pharm's petrified form standing just behind him, “wish that still? Do you want –“
“Not normally,” Team answered the partial question softly, “not really,”
Dean’s frame sagged, “if you ever do, you come to someone. Go to Win, Pharm, me, Manaow – Win’s family – I don’t care, go to someone, please.”
“Aren’t you…shouldn’t you be worried I’ll get Hia or Pharm hurt?”
“Team?”
“What?”
“No,” Dean seemed to have read between the lines easily, “you clearly love Win – you love Pharm, I’m not concerned with you hurting them. I’m worried you’ll hurt yourself.”
“What has your aunt done to you…” Pharm muttered horrified at the whole situation.
“Team?”
“What Hia?”
Win shifted so that he could speak softly and still be heard, “are you alright?”
The normal response, the one he always gave, was ‘yes.’ Because he was fine – he didn’t die that day, he got to grow up… “I just,” he paused briefly, trying to come up with the exact words, “it’s not her fault – not really – but I get a bit lost, I guess, after spending time with her…all my family, any of them…it’s always the same and I always come away feeling like…”
“Like what Team?” Dean was the one that asked, still nearby.
He hesitated, “I can almost forget, almost… but then when I am with her, everything comes back a thousandfold and I just get lost. The more she speaks, the more I remember, and the more I remember the more worthless and horrible I know I am and the –“
“No – not worthless. Never,” Win cut off forcefully.
“But Hia,”
“You aren’t worthless Team,” Pharm added, “I don’t – we don’t know the whole story, not beyond what your mom shared but…” he frowned gently, he was still holding the rewarmed food and standing a few paces away, “I’m not the best swimmer, but I would try to save you if you needed saving…and even if – as long as you were alright, I’d be happy,” he bent down to try and catch Team’s gaze.
His mind blanked, everything that had been spinning was replaced with a warm fuzz and his aunt faded, “what?”
“When you’re up to it, Team,” Win stated softly, gently tracing his fingers along Team’s clothed sides, “I’d like to pay my respects to your cousin…without him, I wouldn’t have you…”
“Hia…”
“I think from now on, you shouldn’t go to family events,” Dean said smoothly, taking the warm dish from Pharm and placing it on the bedside table, “If they don’t respect you, they don’t deserve you,”
“My family loves you,” Win added, “Wiew is always asking for you to visit,”
“My parents love Team too,” Pharm sounded proud.
“Del does as well,” Dean tried to make it sound off-handed, but affection still seeped in.
“Okay…” Team eventually said, avoiding eye contact. He was so tired and for the first time since he’d left for the birthday party he was certain he could fall asleep if he tried, “thank you,”
“Close your eyes Team,” Win’s voice was hot, warming up Team’s temple, “we’ll be here when you wake up. We can talk more then,” he placed a soft kiss as he finished speaking and maneuvered so that Team could lay down again, “we will make it all work out. I promise.”