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What had started as a great day, turned really shitty really fast. The city was in chaos due to a heatwave and a citywide blackout. If Tim knew his day would turn out this way, he’d have called in sick and stayed in bed with his beautiful girlfriend, just like she had suggested. After all, he had woken up to the most amazing view anyone could dream of: Lucy Chen peacefully sleeping with a soft smile on her lips and her arms and legs around him. And he still decided that it was probably better if they went to work and, when the time was right, took a proper time off just for the two of them. Even when Lucy did her best pouty face, he convinced her to get up and promised a date on one of her favorite restaurants in L.A. If he only knew the universe was set to ruin all his plans, he’d have never gotten out of bed.
First, it was the awful heatwave and consequent traffic to get to the station. Then, he was stuck behind a desk dealing with stupid paperwork and even more stupid lawyers. After that, they had to deal with the citywide blackout. And then, Grey assigned him to patrol with Officer Juarez to make sure the citizens were taken care of. And, to top this simply amazing day, Nolan and Aaron needed backup.
That’s when it happened…
"Officer Juarez is down, she's not breathing", yelled Nolan while carrying Celina out of the house.
"Alright we got her, go! Thorsen, call for backup while I start the CPR", Tim said as he checked her vitals.
He put his hands on her chest and started the compressions. That’s when it happened… In just a blink of an eye he was no longer there, in the front yard of the old house that was now a crime scene, bringing this rookie back to life, desperately waiting for her to open her eyes…
If Tim was honest with himself, he knew this would happen the second he said he’d start the CPR… after all, this always happens. But this one was different, it was the first time he saw her , it was the first time he was back on that sand, over her body, breathing life into her lungs, doing chest compressions while feeling her ribs cracking and the sweat in his forehead… Just like that he was back to the day he almost lost her … back to the last day of the rest of her life.
Of course it was not the first time he had to perform CPR on someone after… you know. He’s a police officer, it’s on the job description. But, it’s not about how many times you repeat an action after a traumatic experience, it’s about the scene that involves said action. When they got to the scene, he sent Celina inside the house while he checked around the area, he sent her straight to danger. She got locked in a closet, with almost no room to move and air to breath during a heatwave. She got beaten up and then was pushed to a box that held her death sentence. Tim couldn’t help but notice the similarities, couldn’t help but think about her face when he said to her go into the house, couldn’t help but see… Lucy … being carried by Nolan and laid down on the floor, lifeless…
As always, he pushed back the memories and traumas and did his job. He ignored the sting in his eyes, ignored the burn in his arms and hands, ignored the constant pound in his head, ignored all the flashbacks to not only that awful day designed by Caleb but also the ones from his time in the army (at least he was used to this ones by now), Tim simply ignored everything and focused on bringing Officer Juarez back. And he did. She was okay. Celina was okay. Safe. Lucy… she… Lucy was okay and safe. And Tim never wished more in his life that he could say the same about Alex; or Bruno; or Jason; or… his best friend. Tommy.
***
After this emotionally excruciating day, all Tim wanted was to be alone. And his bed. He just wanted to go home, shower, drink one properly served glass of whiskey, lay down and… cry. So, when he got to the station, the only thing in his mind was doing just that. He completely isolated Angela and Nyla, laughing about something. He completely ignored Aaron, asking him if he was okay. He completely missed Lucy’s texts about their date, asking when he was gonna pick her up. All he wanted was to get home.
So, when he heard a knock on his door at 8:30 (or maybe 9:20, his vision was too blurry to tell), he was surprised. Still, he ignored it. He was getting a professional by now with the amount of ignoring he had done in the past hours. But then he heard a key and the door opening, which usually would make his cop senses scream and he’d be ready to fight whoever was breaking into his house. But today, after half a bottle of whiskey and way too many tears, he simply didn’t have in him to fight any intruder. And well, he then learned by the way Kojo got super excited and relaxed that he didn’t have to fight anyone, since said intruder was his girlfriend. The one he couldn’t stop thinking about, but not like he usually does. This time, she would appear in his mind bruised, hurt, unconscious, pretty much lifeless . But then he saw her, standing there, with a worried look on her face and watery eyes and he couldn’t help the new tears flowing down his cheeks.
Tim had no idea how much time had passed since Lucy started hugging him and Kojo was snuggling at his feet. Maybe minutes, maybe hours. But eventually, her grip started loosening and her hands were cupping his face while her thumbs brushed the tears away. Tim took a deep breath and said “Sorry I missed our date”
“It’s okay. I was just worried about you. John told me what happened today with Celina. Are you alright?”
“Yeah… I’m fine”
“Tim…”
“I’m fine. Just sorry I missed our date. I mean you’re all dressed up and looking beautiful as always and I’m here, sitting on my living room floor with half a bottle of whiskey and a sad looking dog that didn’t even got his walk because I’m so pathetic I couldn’t even take him around the block”
“Ti…” - she tried as her hurt boyfriend struggled to get up.
“No, look, it’s fine. I’m fine. Kojo’s fine. I’ll take him outside a little, then a quick shower and take you out like I said I would. Sorry for this, I’ll be right back. I’m fine” - he tried to go to his bedroom but every bone on his body hurt and his head was spinning.
“TIM” - Lucy said as she grew more worried and frustrated with him not realizing how hurt he truly was.
Tim quietly looked at the ground trying not to cry again nor lose his balance.
“Please, just look at me”
“I’m sorry” - Tim tried again, as he felt his head heavy and eyes sting with the old and new tears.
“Please stop saying you’re sorry. There’s nothing to be sorry about. And please stop saying you’re fine. You’re clearly not”
“It was just a hard day. But hey, it’s night now and we had a date. I’ll just take Kojo fo-”
“No” - she stated as she pressed her hands on Tim’s chest and tried to send him to his bedroom. “You’re gonna take a shower, I’ll walk Kojo and then we‘ll stay here, together, just holding each other. Okay?”
“Lucy…”
“Please, that’s the date I want okay? Please, could you do this for me?”
“Yeah… okay. I’ll just- um… Yeah” - he tried moving. He really did. But he felt like the second Lucy was no longer right in front of him, breathing and looking healthy and safe, he’d break down again and go back to that awful day and see the barrel that hunted his dreams.
“Hey… Listen, I’m here. I'll be back in ten minutes, okay? I promise. I just need you to sober up a little while I take Kojo”
Tim couldn’t help but smile sadly as he felt like Lucy could read him like an open book, like she could actually hear his thoughts. At that, he noticed that maybe the reason why she seemed so worried was because she could almost see his flashbacks. And that made his heart sink, because she didn’t need weak TimTim (the awful nickname his father used to call him when Tim was crying after another purple eye and split lip caused by one too many beers), she needed… Well, if he was honest, she needed anyone but him. He was far too broken for her. He was the reason she had one of the most painful scars on her ribs. He was just-
“Tim…” - Lucy softly whispered as she approached her boyfriend to try and comfort him.
“I’m sorry baby”
“Tim, please don’t say that. It’s not your fault. None of it, okay? Today, that was-” - Lucy stopped as she heard Tim scoff at what she was saying.
“None of it? Really? Are you sure about that Lucy? Because if I remember correctly I sent Celina inside the house without knowing where Nolan or Thorsen were. I just sent her straight into danger. And guess what?! I DID THE SAME TO YOU THAT DAY! I was just so alone and I didn’t want you to feel the same but I couldn’t just ask you for company so then I SENT you straight into that psychopath's arms! AND THEN I ALMOST LOST YOU! I DID THAT LUCY!”
“Tim, how many times do I have to tell you?! What happened wasn't your fault! ”
“Oh really? Because the more I think about the more I notice that I seem to have a great track on getting people under my command dead!”
“What?” - Lucy just stared at him, shocked, but manly sad that he was hurting so much and she couldn't do anything about it
At this point, Tim just couldn’t hold back anymore. As soon as the words got out, there was not enough air in his lungs, his chest felt tight and his head heavy, his vision was sort of blurry and the tears started flowing again and all those flashbacks that he tried so hard to push away just took all the space in his mind.
* Tim’s flashbacks on the army*
[explosion] “Bruno! Get down!” - Tim said through the radio to his unit member
“I’m out! I’m out! Need immediate backup on the southeast wall”
“Hold position and get cover, I’m coming!” - Tim turned to Tommy and commanded him “Thomas, I need you to get Jay and Alex and get the hell out of here!” [gunfire]
“Oh come on Sarge, you can’t possi-”
“It’s an order Tommy! Please just get the hell out and I’ll go after Bruno and then we’ll meet at the orange sector in 30. JUST GO!” [explosion]
“Come on boys! You heard the Sargent! Let’s move!” - Tommy ordered as he stared back at Tim
“Go, go! Jay, cover my right!” - yelled Alex as he took the lead
“See ya Sarge” - Jay said as he started firing his gun to clear the way
“Don’t be late Sarge” - yelled out Alex as he moved to the next covered spot
[gunfire] “I swear Tim, 5 minutes late and I’m coming back for you!”
“Yeah, I’m sure. Just go Tommy!”
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“Bruno! Bruno! Come on man!” - Tim wandered around trying to find his soldier and friend. “Díaz! I swear to God if you don’t show up I’m gonna drink your precious secret whiskey” - He continued to call for his friend and look around. Then he finally saw his feet. “Thank Christ! Hey man, come on. They’re waiting and you know if we are late Tommy will-”
“Hey Sarge…” - the wound soldier said softly as he looked up at his leader
“Bruno! Jesus! Hang on! Let me see, we need to apply pressure, come on! Look, it’s not that bad, we can manage and get you back to base and-”
[cough] “Yeah… I don’t think that’s an option. Sorry”
“No, come on! I’ll call the guys and-”
“Sarge, I’m gone. Alright? Just... get out and save yourself before they throw a bomb here or something”
“NO! I’m not leaving you! COME ON” - Tim tried to get his friend up, but he was too weak to help and the bullets wounds were just too much
“It’s alright. Just [cough] make sure my wife gets that letter I told you, okay?”
“Bee… come on man! Please, you’re not dead yet!”
“I know… but I’ll be soon [cough] and I don’t want my brothers to see me like this. It’s fine… just go Sarge. It’s alright”
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“TIM!”
“SARGE”
[explosion] “COME ON” [gunfire]
“JAY! GET DOWN!” [gunfire]
“SHIT! THEY ARE EVERYWHERE!”
“COME ON! LET’S GO! MOV- [gunshot]
“JAY!”
“TIM! COME ON! WE GOTTA GO!”
[explosion] “SARGE!”
“GO! GO! GO!”
[gunfire]
“TOMMY COVER ME!”
“NO! ALEX WAIT! [gunshot] TOMMY GET DOWN!”
“SARGE!”
“ALEX HOLD ON!” [explosion]
“SARGE PLEAS- [explosion]
“ALEX!”
“SHIT! TIM! GET DOWN!”
“TOMMY HOLD ON! STAY THERE!”
[gunfire]
“WE NEED TO GO!”
“I KNOW! HOLD ON! LET M- [explosion]
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“Tim…”
“Shhh… it’s okay Tommy, you’re gonna be fine”
“You’ve always been an awful liar, you lying liar who lieAAH” [painful sob]
“Shut up! I’m not lying! You’ll be fine, backup will be here any minute now and we’ll be home soon. It’ll be alright little brother”
“Yeah… I’m sure you believe that”
“Tommy…”
“Tim, look… I’m not gonna-”
“SHUT UP! You’re not dying! So just stop!”
“Tim…”
“Tommy, come on! Please don’t!”
“I love you brother! You’re the best friend I could’ve asked for”
“Tommy, please shut up and help me put pressure on your stomach!”
“Tim… it’s not your fault”
“THOMAS SHUT UP AND APPLY FUCKING PRESSURE”
“It’s not your fau………
“Tommy? HEY! TOMMY! COME ON! HEY HEY! OPEN YOUR EYES PLEASE! THOMAS! NO PLEASE! DON’T! PLEASE DON’T GO… [broken voice] please don’t leave me too”
[sobs]
“Please little brother……”
* end of flashbacks*
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“TIM!”
He couldn’t hear… his ears were ringing and he felt his heart pumping on his head.
“TIM! Please just take a deep breath in”
Lucy? Maybe… What was she doing here? Is it really her? Why is she in the desert with him?
“Tim… please focus on my voice”
“Lucy…?”
“Yeah… It’s me”
“Wh-”
“We’re home. Safe. We’re fine. Focus on me and my voice, okay? I’m here, can you feel my hands?”
“Um… yeah…”
“Good… Focus on them and take a deep breath in baby”
Tim was starting to feel his body again. It hurt. But he could feel it. He could feel Lucy’s warm and soft hand on his.
“My hands… they are bloody… you’re gonna get-”
“Hey… they are not okay? They are fine, just breath”
After what it felt like hours, Tim could feel his body completely. He was back at his house. Not in the dry desert. He was not holding his best friend’s body. He was being held actually, it was warm and he couldn't remember the last time he felt this safe on someone’s arms (maybe when his dad was so drunk that he broke Tim’s arm for refusing to get another beer for him and his mom held him so tight that night when they go back from the hospital). He also felt something on his thigh, like a head but… Oh… Kojo.
“Lucy?”
“Hey… I’m here. You’re safe”
“I’m sorry”
“Don’t apologize Tim. You’re okay, just hurt. I’m here”
“I…” - if he had anymore tears, Tim was certain he’d start crying again
“Let’s lay down, okay?”
“Yeah…”
They went into his bedroom, with Kojo following close by and Tim stumbling all the way due to the whiskey and exhaustion. He had no energy for a shower, so Lucy just helped him take his clothes off and put on some sweatpants.
“Lay down baby. I’ll put Kojo to bed and be right back”
“Ah no, it’s fine. I need him tonight. He’s… he helps when it gets too bad”
“Oh… uh” - Lucy wanted to ask about the other times this happened, but not tonight. “Okay then. Uh... Kojo, up boy come on”
Kojo immediately went to Tim and cuddled his dad just like he did so many nights when things were hard and Tim felt lonely.
“Please don’t cry Lucy”
“Sorry… it’s just…”
“Yeah… it sucks” - Tim let out a dry chuckle, but it only made Lucy let out the tears she was trying so hard to contain
“Damn it! I told myself I wasn’t gonna cry and here I am”
“I guess we can let it slide tonight… It’s been a day”
“Tim… are you okay?”
“...” - as a single tear rolled down his check, he softly whispered the truth: “no”
Silence filled the room, as Lucy moved to kiss her love’s forehead and embrace him.
“Lucy?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m really trying to find a way to open up to you about everything… it’s just… I- I haven’t had anyone I could talk to… the only person I did… well… they uh [broken sobs] they’re not here anymore and it’s sort of my fault and I just don’t f-”
“Tim… it’s okay. I’m here. I promise I’ll always be here. So whenever you feel ready, I’ll listen to you”
.
.
.
“Luce?”
“Yeah baby?”
“I love you”
“And I love you. All of you”
Tim was certain he was never gonna be able to sleep that night. But just like so many times before, he was proven wrong by this incredible girl. This beautiful woman that came into his life and pushed down every barrier he built throughout life. This amazing person that saw the ugliest part of him so many times… and still found within her, love for him. Maybe the universe wasn’t so kind to Tim today (and so many other days), but the same universe gave him her . And for that, he’ll forever be grateful.