Chapter Text
As Carina walked through the hospital hallways, she reflected on the past couple of hours. Tonight was the first time in weeks, months even that she hadn’t thought of her wife or her patients or the hellish nightmare that was her life now. Bailey’s new clinic was a glimmer of hope piercing through it all and Carina was honored she could stand side by side with her friends at the grand opening. For those few hours, she forgot about everything that was going awry in her life and let herself breathe and relax and simply have a good time. But now, stepping into her office and turning on the lights, she felt the weight of her stress and emotions flooding back in an overwhelming wave that made her want to turn the lights right back off and curl up in a corner.
Closing the door behind her, Carina was reminded that bliss never lasted forever, and shadows were never gone for good – they only disappeared for a time, but they always returned. She lowered herself into a squat and pressed folded hands to her lips as she took in the disaster before her. There were files strewn across her desk, a blanket and pillow thrown haphazardly on her sofa, and stacks of medical books and journals littering her floor. She usually kept her office tidy and clean but had neglected the upkeep lately as she had more important issues that required her full attention as of late. Dios Mio. How did I allow it to get this bad? How did I not notice?
The mess in the office felt like a mirroring of the mess in her head, the mess in her life. She had just made up her mind to do something about it when her pager went off with an urgent code white emergency. Code white wasn’t a defined hospital code, it was a code created by the staff of Grey Sloan for family emergencies, which in this case could only mean one person. Maya. Cazzo! Carina immediately bolted to her feet, feeling sick to her stomach as her mind supplied every worst-case scenario she had ever considered since the beginning of their relationship, each worse than the previous one. Move, you need to move. A lifetime of overwhelming situations had taught her to react instantly, allowing her to move swiftly down the hallway toward the stairwell the moment she read the page. If she stopped to think about what was going on, she would freeze and Carina DeLuca did not freeze, not anymore. She had spent too many years of her life trapped in fear, letting her mind spin out of control while she stood around and did nothing. She would not let herself become that person ever again. Maya needed her.
Carina slammed into the heavy metal door of the stairwell and rushed down the steps, wishing her feet would move faster. Skipping the last few steps, she yanked the door open and powerwalked in the direction of the nurse’s station.
“Where is she?” Carina questioned loudly, sounding desperate and out of breath. She rapidly drummed her fingertips on the wood counter to keep herself moving and ward off the panic that was oozing through her body. “Where is my wife?”
The wide-eyed nurse in front of her, who was clearly caught off guard, stammered in confusion.
“Maya DeLuca-Bishop, the 34-year-old female who was just brought in. Where is she?”
“Carina,” A voice called.
She looked over to see Teddy coming through the double doors of the doctors-only wing.
“Teddy, where is she?” Carina asked nervously, meeting Teddy halfway.
Part of her didn’t want to know the answer. She could be in a coma. She could be on life support. She could be dead. No, she can’t be dead.
“Why don’t you sit down,” Dr. Altman suggested, gesturing to a set of waiting room chairs.
“No, I can’t,” Carina begged in a hoarse croak. “I can’t. Please, just let me see her.”
“She’s in surgery.”
“I need to see my wife, Teddy!”
“Carina,” Teddy paused, a look of heartache cracking through her mask of medical professionalism. “She’s in bad shape.”
Carina wrung her hands, desperately holding back tears. No, no, no. If you start crying now, she will not let you see her. She took a deep breath and swallowed hard past the constriction in her throat.
“What ha-appened?” Carina asked, her voice breaking despite her effort to keep it steady.
“The best we can tell, she fell off the treadmill at the station.” Teddy explained carefully, trying her best to soften the blow of her words with a calm and even tone. “She has a bimalleolar fracture-”
“Her ankle,” Carina interrupted, the recognition of what the medical terminology was hiding.
“Yes, her ankle,” Teddy confirmed. “She also suffered a TBI.”
“Who found her?”
“Jack Gibson.
“I need to see her.”
“I think it would be better if you join Gibson and Hughes in the waiting room. Seeing her in this state will likely be upsetting.”
“Teddy, please,” Carina begged in a strangled whisper.
Teddy hesitated, but then nodded her head in the direction of the double doors. A pained smile was all Carina could manage, but Teddy knew how grateful her friend was. The two walked quickly with Teddy leading them to the OR gallery. Teddy was right, it was a horribly upsetting sight to see Maya’s broken body lying on the table. The entire time she sat watching the doctors preparing to repair her wife’s body, Carina focused on keeping her emotions tucked away. She didn’t realize she had dissociated until she zoned back in to Teddy gently massaging her hand and asking if she was alright. It was a stupid question and there was no way she could answer it honestly, so she simply nodded.
Carina struggled to keep herself present while also keeping her emotions in check, but the human mind was not designed to walk that fine line, especially not under such intense stress. She was by no means squeamish, she was a doctor for heaven’s sake, but it was true what they said about it being different when the patient was a family member. When they made the incision in her wife’s ankle, Carina’s vision tunneled. She bolted to her feet, transfixed by the sight below her, like a civilian gawking at a car accident, unable to look away. Teddy spoke again, but Carina couldn’t hear the doctor past the rush of icy panic flooding her body. That familiar feeling was enough for her to predict what would happen next. The brunette stumbled out of the gallery, sprinting through the halls with no conscious directions guiding her. Her vision blurred and her heart and head pounded violently. She couldn’t breathe. Her shaky legs led her to a supply closet upon instinct and just as she was reaching the door, her ankle rolled, sending her stumbling through the doorway and straight to the tile floor.
As soon as the door clicked shut, an anguished scream tore through her unexpectedly. It was all too much. Her heart felt like it was on the verge of exploding. She briefly worried someone might come in and find her falling apart on the supply closet floor, but if they did she would deal with the embarrassment and shame later. It was a stupid insecurity that didn’t matter right now. There was no way this pain could be contained. Terror and sorrow were shattering her into a million jagged shards like biting glass. It would take a lifetime to remove all those pieces from her skin, her mind, her heart and fitting them back together was an insurmountable task. Some glass was too tightly lodged to ever be removed. Wave after sickening wave of shuddering sobs and anguished screams spluttered out of her and each time she thought they were subsiding, another monstrous wave threatened to drown her. When they finally stopped crashing, she was left feeling empty. The situation was out of control and she felt helpless. She had to remind herself she didn’t yet have all the facts and regardless of if she did, Maya’s condition was not set in stone. It could change at any time, especially since she was in bad shape according to Teddy.
Carina was blind to the time that had passed but was very aware of the pit that had reappeared in her stomach. Not knowing was one of her biggest fears, that and losing the people she loved the most. Both were in danger/jeopardy right now, so she pulled herself to her feet, actively bracing herself to stop her wobbly legs from collapsing underneath her. Before opening the door she swiped her fingertips under her eyes to dry her face, then she took a deep grounding breath, and stepped back out into the hall. She reentered the gallery only to find Teddy waiting for her on the other side, blocking her entrance.
“Please step aside.”
“I can’t let you do that.”
“I can’t sit by and do nothing.”
“Carina, you just bolted out of here twenty minutes ago looking like you were on the verge of a panic attack. I went to follow you, but you were already out of sight by the time I made it to the hallway. It will do you no good to sit here, not being able to do anything.”
“She’s my wife, Teddy. I don’t care how long I have to sit here, I am not leaving her.”
“I didn’t want to have to do this but,” Teddy sighed. “Right now you are the patient’s family and you cannot be back here. Go sit in the waiting room, please.”
“No, I can’t leave her.”
“This is for your own good. I promise I will let you know the moment she is out of surgery.”
Carina knew she wasn’t going to win the argument and didn’t have the energy to even try, so she turned and headed to the waiting room. There, she found Gibson and Hughes. Gibson was sitting in one of the chairs facing the double doors she had come out of, and Hughes was curled up in a chair opposite. Exhaustion seemed to have taken its hold on her as she was clearly asleep.
“How is she?” Jack asked, rising to his feet abruptly.
“She’s still in surgery,” Carina replied, a sad grimace flashing across her face.
Guilt and despondence were written all over Jack’s face and Carina couldn’t stand it. She quickly glanced away so she wouldn’t break the flimsy dam she had put in place for her tears. Instead, she tried to expel the awkwardness in the air.
“They kicked me out of the gallery,” She muttered.
“Carina, I’m so sor-”
“Stop,” She cut him off. “Don’t say it. And stop looking at me like that.”
Jack bit his tongue and braced himself for Carina to unleash her rage on him. He wouldn’t try to make excuses or defend himself because he felt he deserved it. He failed his friend, all of his friends really, but specifically Maya. Maybe if I hadn’t gone AWOL on her and Carina, she wouldn’t have gotten hurt. What if she doesn’t make it? If one of us deserves another chance at life, it’s her. He watched quietly as Carina slowed her pacing.
“I can’t go through this, not again,” Carina whispered, unable to stop the fear from leaking through the cracks of her composure.
“Vic said the same thing,” Jack voiced quietly, tentatively. “Ripley. Dean. And now Maya.”
The room fell silent as neither of them knew what to say. Jack tried to comprehend how they had all survived as much hardship as they had. Why am I still here and they aren’t? Carina was lost in old memories wondering if this might be the end, wondering if her wife would leave her just like her brother had. She tried to dig the comparison out from her mind, but the roots of the fear were buried too deep and had turned into a tangled mess. The best she could do was distract herself.
“Dr. Altman told me you found her.”
“Yeah, I did. I saw her turnouts on the barn floor after everyone else had left on a call and-”
“They left her behind?” Carina interjected, utterly shocked, and horrified by the thought. “Not a single one of them noticed she wasn’t there? What, did they all suddenly get amnesia and forget she is part of the team?”
Fury had latched onto Carina’s grief. She was in disbelief at the inhumanity of the people her wife had considered family, that she considered family. The betrayal and heartlessness cut Carina to the core.
“I couldn’t believe it either," Jack sympathized. "When I noticed the turnouts, I figured she slept through the klaxon, or she was in the gym and couldn’t hear it over the music in her headphones, so I checked the bunks first and then the gym which is where I found her lying on the floor. She uh, she didn’t have a pulse, so I started compressions and yelled for Hughes. I told her to call Andy to try and get the aid car back, but she didn’t answer so Vic called 911.”
Carina felt sick to her stomach as she took in what Jack had shared. She was scared and confused and angry. Over the past few months, Carina had noticed something seemed off between Maya and the team, but she couldn’t figure out what it was. That didn’t matter though, what mattered was that they had knowingly left behind one of their own.
“I want someone to blame… but I don’t want it to be you. You saved her life, Jack. Thank you.”
Jack nodded quietly, unsure of what to say. He had a feeling Carina had more to say and he couldn’t blame her.
“How was I so blind to what was happening?” She whispered, sounding unsure about whether she had really meant to speak her thoughts aloud.
“Hey now, I’m not to blame but neither are you.”
“But I am,” Carina said self-deprecatingly. “I’m her wife and I made a mess of our marriage. I told her that she brought chaos into our lives, that she wrecked our happiness, that I couldn’t make a baby with… that. I yelled at her and said unforgivable things to her.”
“It sounds like you were angry. We say things we don’t mean during bouts of anger.”
“Oh, don’t paint me as the saint, Gibson.”
“I’m not. Look, I’m not trying to say this is all Maya’s fault or anything like that, but it’s not all your fault either. When you’re angry, everything tends to kind of spill out whether or not you want it to. Trust me, I know from personal experience that letting my anger get the best of me can dig me into some pretty deep holes. What I’m trying to say is that the blame game is useless.”
Silence returned as Carina noncommittally let what he said hang in the air. She was experiencing too much internal conflict to accept or reject his words as truth, but thankfully Jack didn’t push the subject. Carina suspected that in the lull of their conversation, his mind had drifted back to the reason they were sitting in the hospital waiting room in the first place. The adrenaline that had been flowing through her over the past hour finally wore off and exhaustion finally caught up. She fought sleep for a while, fearing that she may miss Teddy’s announcement that her wife was out of surgery, but eventually, she was given no choice and fell into a fitful sleep.